#and thats fine! by all means use your own definition of morality! i use mine all the time when making judgements on right and wrong

[st5lker]

super long post sorry i just upped my dose of vyvanse so i have a lot to say. anyways one strange phenomenon i find on tumblr although it really shouldnt be surprising by now i suppose is the fact that people seem to believe that everything has an objective answer. and like yeah of course this is the Nuance is Dead website but its still strange to me like ive been making many polls recently on things im genuinely curious to see differing opinions on, because theyre on inherently divisive topics that i really dont believe there's any "right" answer to (the 'is it weird when gay people sexually fantasize about converting straight people' being the biggest one but also that one i just made abt adhd and autism), but the replies to a lot of those polls have people seeming to talk as if there are objective measurable ways to prove a 'right' and 'wrong' answer on topics that ultimately dont affect all that much. questions like that will always have different reactions from different people, even people who generally agree on most big topics, because everyones life experiences and individual opinions will give them different reactions and morals to minute topics like that and its not like you can make legislation or policy about something like that no matter how strongly people might feel in one direction or the other so it ultimately comes down to your own opinion/sense of morals and curating your own experiences.

but people seem to speak about everything as if its another "should you be conservative or not" where the "difference of opinion" is basically whether or not you can recognize easily proved facts or if just straight up do not want minorities to have rights. and the consequences of having the wrong opinion result in real and tangible actions with massive impact (legislation). i think people got so exhausted about people treating issues like that as if they're "ambiguous" when there's a really obvious answer for everyone that isnt a bigot that they started seeing every single issue as if there must be a "correct" answer as well, but the reality is that for the vast vast majority of things there isnt anywhere close to an objective answer, even within the popular leftist moral compass.

there is no "correct" answer to lgbt discourse. yes even that discourse that youre thinking of right now. there is no "correct" answer to the morality of liking some media, or having some sexual fantasy. like, when it comes to things that i and all of my friends feel very strongly about, like some of those fantasies or lgbt discourse, i can and will shame or judge or debate or distance myself from people who disagree with me, because i have every right to. recognizing that morality is subjective doesnt mean i can't care. it just doesnt mean i think im objectively "correct". im going off of my own sense of morality, yknow? which is fine! we don't really have any choice but to do that in order to make progress. but i still AM doing that and i can recognize that because i think its important to, and doesnt undermine my own morals.

so i suppose its just a bit strange to me when people act like theres objective answers on things like that when like, you can never objectively prove morality because it's inherently subjective. even the basic question of "do you want to help or harm other human beings" gets muddied, because for as much as it might seem evil (and i honestly think it's evil as well), someone can truly and earnestly define "morality" as a based on helping yourself first and alone with no regard to other humans. i think everyone has every right to not want to associate with people who have certain opinions/do certain things, or even to associate with people who associate with them. its extremely easy to curate who you associate with in this day and age. but its still extremely strange to me when people talk about morality as if it is objective. i understand why, i do, i'm not really criticizing anyone for it especially since this is all about how things are worded and you cant always be like 'but remember this is subjective!' in every argument so i get it. but i think if you're reading this and realizing that you haven't been thinking of morality as subjective, it might be time to start. not because i want to defend anyone, really, but because understanding and recognizing that morality is subjective is a prerequisite to being able to change other people's minds and move the world towards your own sense of morality

[businessbois]

“you’re the most orphan child i’ve ever met” an attempt at analysis of c!phil and c!tommy’s relationship

this is entirely an analysis of c!phil and c!tommy’s relationship. im not gonna be talking about morals or terrorism or really even wilbur or fundy because those are whole other points. just these two and the convoluted abyss of “canon”

title quote from technoblade here

manburg war- november 16th

doomsday- january 6th

butchers army day- december 16th

i mean phil’s first day, the manburg war, itself implies a lot of history and relationships with these characters. tommy shouts “philza minecraft” in joy and recognition when he sees him. phil says these two lines that confuse the hell out of me. “whatever tommy and tubbo do, i’ll follow them” and “i gotta take care of my kids.” again, “my kids” doesn’t have to mean biologically, he can just be a father figure, see them as his kids, but i suppose we retcon these? because of the relationship they imply that doesn’t really line up? “i’ll follow them” is a statement of devotion, loyalty. i’m not saying his goals couldn’t have changed from these, i’m saying that in order to have this goal of “following tommy and tubbo through whatever” in the first place, he’d have to really love and care about these kids. that doesn’t line up with how people are claiming he doesn’t know them or owe them anything. im okay with retconning these because this was when i think cc!phil still believed the family dynamic was canon.

but the thing about decanonizing something big like that, is that, okay, maybe we can get rid of the conversations and lines, but then we have physical things like friendship emeralds and tommy slippers. he visits tommy in exile and gifts him these things. a friendship emerald isn’t something you give to a random kid, it’s something gifted to ghostbur—his son—and techno—his best friend. i guess you could say he was just being nice to this strange kid? but then like, he could’ve stopped at the slippers? why the emerald? the emerald is a Big Thing, no? and we can’t decanonize or retcon, like, all of phil and tommy’s interactions, especially something with physical items involved because that’s beyond spoken lines and can’t be dismissed as easily. but then it also leaves us with this utterly confusing narrative. there’s the line from the butcher army day, “carls okay. technos okay. tommys okay. thats all i wanted to know.” do we decanonize that too?? it’s a statement of deep care “that’s all i wanted to know” and he includes tommy in it. (tommyinnit haha) with interactions and lines like this, you can’t just say “they’re not biologically related, so they don’t know each other and phil doesn’t have to care about this kid.” because he did at some point. a lot. and these lines prove it. you can’t decanonize every moment like this. (i mean, i guess you can, i cant stop you) not when tommy and phil’s interactions are littered with it. not when tommy keeps a friendship emerald in his special chest right next to phukkit (a prized gift from tubbo) to this day. 

moving on to tommy.

cc!tommy is very smart and very good at what he does. he’s studying film in college, he got a 9 on his english gcse, he’s got every cc he’s come into contact with singing about how clever he is. he makes character choices deliberately. i don’t wanna write off too much of this as him just doing bits and faffing around because tommy’s literally always in character. i am down to decanonize the supposed mishap of shouting phil’s name when getting locked in prison, though honestly, it doesn’t necessarily seem like an out of character action for tommy who has a history of calling for phil when he feels upset. see: “where’s dadza?” (this instance is strange too because “dadza” is a strange slip up to make. it feels purposeful. i don’t think cc!tommyinnit calls his friend “dadza” outside of roleplay. and honestly the whole delivery and head shaking is very much in-a-character) and @/my-stupid-fandoms said some smart stuff about it here. but anyways, sorry, i’ll take what’s surely canon. in the manburg war we have “AND PHIL’S HERE,” incredibly excited from him and tubbo. familiarity. they know him. look up to him. we have the heartbroken "philza minecraft?"s from doomsday, indications that he trusted phil and feels hurt and betrayed. then, we have some lines that are very interesting coming from Big Man “i raised myself” TommyInnit which are as follows “I want to go ‘Philza Minecraft, I built that hotel.’ Even though it’s a lie, it will feel true.” “And then I get to go ‘Philza Minecraft, I made this house, I made this house. Are you impressed?’ And he’ll go ‘Yes.’ And then he’ll pat me on the back and then he’ll teach me how to ride a bike.” “TELL PHILZA” “AREN’T YOU PROUD?” tommy loves phil. wants phil to be impressed with him. wants phil to be proud of him. during his encounter with the egg, he says “it didn’t hurt any of the other boys. it didn’t hurt phil.” he wants phil to be safe. cares about his well being even if this is not reciprocated by phil. he follows his “it didn’t hurt techno” with an “not that i care about techno” but there is no such denial for philza. and now, immediately after being dead and pieced back together, tommy asks after five of his friends. phil is third after tubbo and jack who are tommy’s Boys™. phil is also called for the most, four times to tubbo’s three and everyone else’s one. it does seem like everyone got the memo about phil not being tommys father except tommy. 

there’s a theory around that like, wilbur found tommy and brought him home and so tommy grows up looking up to phil but phil doesn’t reciprocate. this gets to keep the kind of found family on tommy’s end but maintains the “loosely connected strangers” thing for phil. i think maybe this holds more credence than anything else, but also, “loosely connected strangers” just doesn’t add up with the stuff i’ve mentioned before: friendship emeralds, “tommys okay,” there had to be some reciprocity to their familial-ish (or at least caring) relationship. he visited him in exile. he gave him the emerald. he said all those lines. there was a relationship there. of care. of trust. where tommy saw him as someone to look up to, to protect him. at any rate, i like the theory and since we simply have No Backstory for canon sbi at all, it works just fine even if it still just doesn’t fit.

closing

honestly i don’t know what this is. this is all the evidence, all the information i have. there’s no way they were strangers. tommy obviously definitively looks up to and cares about phil. this was reciprocated to some degree beyond “i kind of know you.” i’m a big defender of c!tommyinnit and that surely comes across here. i mostly just did this to get everything i have about c!phil and c!tommy’s out and to figure out what i actually make of it and all the confusion about it. this is here and the clips are linked, draw your own conclusions that are smarter and more concise than mine.

[darlington-v]

I know different interpretations of a work are generally enriching and cool... but c!dream villan interpretations is like how to tell me you only watch Tommy without saying you only watch tommy.... which would be fine but its not a great place to be making statements about the whole nature of the dsmp lol

Wild speculation, but sometimes I wonder if like, because the dsmp didn't really start as a narrative, and a lot of fans don't nessecarily enter it expecting a narrative, but then there is one and the fandom is really discourse heavy and everyone is sort of excpeted to have an opinion while maybe not expecting to form one from the begining or not having a ton of experience with narrative in a way that would "expect" them to have an opinion or not take things at face value??, I don't know if I explained that well at all... and I don't really even think thats right nessecarily... but like wow sometimes some of the takes about power and government and villany...

Honestly, it makes sense!!!

I think something interesting is like.... looking at how animatics have shaped the like tone and culture of the fandom essentially. Like, an interesting fact that I didn't really fully grasp until SUPER recently is like...

c!Wilbur out the gate admits he is manipulating c!Tommy. Like his first youtube video on the Dream SMP he admits his goal is to manipulate c!Tommy and people like c!Tommy into helping him achieve a potion ("drug") empire to monopolize on potions because there were a lot of people on the server who like to min-max, which is to put all of your effort into this one specific skill essentially. so like... i know minecraft doesnt have a skill tree but if it did, it would be putting all your points into that one specific branch of a skill tree. So he wanted to exploit the labor of all the TommyInnits to.... maintain a Potion Empire.

THIS IS A LONG POST BC I GOT CARRIED AWAY SO BUCKLE UP

And I don't think a lot of the fandom who joined later on knows this. I certainly didn't until like a week or so ago? Like... I knew c!Wilbur had been manipulative from the start because I'm a mod of (shameless self promo incoming) @dsmpanalysis and we have a lot of different POVs in that mod team and discord and we talk about it really frequently. I joined the fandom as someone who was really big on L'manburg ESPECIALLY crimeboys, and have turned into.... *gestures vaguely to my blog*

And ngl I owe a lot of it to @1-michibiki-1 in terms of c!Dream "Apologism" but all of the mods there have expanded my thoughts and views on the storylines of this narrative.

My application consisted of like largely essays about like... how I think Dream was the villain but he was meant to be the villain because you don't get any insight into his character WHICH.... IS A FAIR ASSUMPTION AT FIRST GLANCE. People are easily villainized when you cannot get a glimpse into their thought process. It's easy to dwindle someone down into this flat character and starting out I knew Dream didn't stream the SMP on purpose.

And I personally came to the conclusion of "Oh! So Dream is supposed to be the villain." However as the story continued and I learned more about what Dream went through I began to realize that... it's more than likely a form of a red herring. My opinions on this were immediately solidified when I watched Ranboo's 2 MIL stream because both Ranboo AND Dream agree on enjoying red herrings.

There have been MANY times were Dream has said that c!Dream is a complex character and he's not a wholly evil guy and there have been times where the narrative has honestly just proved that.

Anyways, what's important though was that... I learned most of this from other people who were more focused on c!Dream rather than myself. Eventually I shifted from c!Tommy to c!Ranboo and c!Techno after c!Tommy betrayed c!Techno and I began to realize.... everything I learned before hopping in wasn't exactly what it seemed.

Part of this is because I'm older, I heavily identify with c!Techno's sense of loyalty and philosophies on government, but I especially identify with the anguish c!Techno voiced in... a lot of lore but especially the lore around Doomsday.

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't always feel wronged by adults, or older people in my case, whenever they absolutely have done something wrong by me, but I do feel wronged by my close friends. I also felt like c!Tommy's sense of loyalty didn't line up with mine after what felt like him constantly flip-flopping and refusing to understand c!Techno's morals on government didn't line up with his.

In short, it was easier to identify with Tommy in these animatics versus in the actual stream content because c!Tommy is played by a 16 year old. I'm not a teenager and my line of thinking doesn't entirely line up with people that age anymore. It's harder to place myself in the same shoes of someone's OC who is played closer to their actual age, because I'm not that age.

Regardless, I was still on the c!Dream is a villain train. I wasn't ever like... c!Dream is repulsive I hate him, but I was like omg hot villain lad go brrr.

Even when the first like... mellohi, panic room, Ranboo lore stream popped up I thought "Oh! c!Ranboo corruption arc?"

And I was excited because I really wanted this shy, nervous character to turn into villain buddies with his good pal c!Dream. I'm a total sucker for villains and corruption arcs and all that good shit.

SO I STARTED GETTING REALLY INTERESTED IN ENDERSMILE. I'VE BEEN ON ENDERSMILE SQUAD OUT THE GATE. NOT THE SAME WAY I AM NOW, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THEM TO TEAM UP.

So... upon not really keeping up with c!Dream and being relatively??? indifferent? I don't think I started arguments on c!Dream back then, but I might have. But I remember like... starting to participate more whenever c!Dream came up and looking more into Dream's character BUT ESPECIALLY TALKING WITH OUR SERVER'S C!DREAM SPECIALIST MICHI ABOUT DREAM A LOT MORE.

And because Michi has been a watcher since day one and was a DTeam fan rather than a SBI fan, she was able to provide me with more information on how the server worked pre-Tommy but especially pre-Wilbur.

Now, you could definitely argue well Michi probably has clear bias but it made sense to me when I looked back on how the storyline had been constructed and was going along, and everyone in the server talks a lot about our own biases and how we want people to maybe not lean so hard on them. Michi would also provide like anecdotes on what had happened and I'm sure links were probably provided at one point but the point was I felt like Michi had no reason to lie or manipulate how the story was told and if she did, eventually someone would have pointed it out because... Group of like... right now it's around 20 or more analysts but I don't remember how many at the time there were. POINT BEING, WE'VE ALL GOT POINTS TO PROVE AND IN MY EXPERIENCE NOT MANY OF US HAVE BEEN SHY TO PROVE THEM.

So if anyone ever had any differing opinions they would be talked about and we literally had and still have discussions.

REGARDLESS.... I DIDN'T FACT CHECK IN DEPTH BECAUSE I THOUGHT PEER REVIEW WAS ENOUGH WHEN YOU HAVE LIKE HOURS UPON HOURS OF STREAMS TO WATCH.

Anyways. Eventually I started paying closer attention and looking more into c!Dream lore but only recently have I started to triple check before speaking about c!Wilbur lore because I know everyone has biases and while I did trust everyone's thoughts and analysis in the discord, whenever I make essays I typically like it to be largely air tight and if theres a mistake, I want it to be because I forgot not because I just trusted what was said. Plus, I wanted to get down to the specifics of how Wilbur had always started with manipulation on the mind.

SO I WATCHED HIS FIRST VIDEO ON THE DREAM SMP.

AND WHAT I WAS NOT BY ANY MEANS EXPECTING WAS WILBUR TO SAY WORD FOR WORD, VERBATIM,

"SO WHY DON'T I START AN INDUSTRY WHERE I USE THE TOMMYINNITS OF THE WORLD TO WORK FOR ME, TO CREATE THINGS THAT THE MIN-MAXERS OF THE WORLD WILL WANT."

Like... this is in no way an attempt to like hardcore villainize c!Wilbur like everyone does Dream, it's just more so to like REALLY outline how far off a lot of fandom interpretation of c!Wilbur is....

Because of SBI focused animatics.

Now, when I joined I watched A LOT of animatics that really highlighted like... Wilbur being this self-loathing JD-esque, "I destroyed it because I had to because the world was against me because no one loved us, Tommy" type of character. At least... that's what it came across as.

And it definitely highlighted the fact that Tommy was a victim, which he is. He is undoubtedly a victim and no not even any dream apologist can change my mind otherwise. Tommy, despite being an instigator sometimes, didn't deserve the abuse he received.

But these animatics never shown the fact that c!Wilbur started L'manburg as a shady ploy to exploit people like c!Tommy and vilify c!Dream so he could have power.

And that was easy because Dream and Tommy had wars before. They had spars and pranks and here's the plan to take back my disks and here's the plan to out smart the thieving little child etc etc.

And all of the animatics I watched never mentioned this. Neither did the recaps though. The recaps gave the events flat out, there didn't sound like there was bias, and honestly I don't really know if there was rather than like... a lack of nuance. And it's hard to provide a recap with that much nuance in a short period of time for a youtube video, to be perfectly fair.

However, this creates a perfect formula for entirely rewriting the history of a server. c!Wilbur quite literally fucking succeeded TO A META LEVEL. He slandered and ran smear campaigns against Dream and like he even does that with Sapnap in the beginning. But what's crazy is that it transferred over into the meta! Most of this fandom understands Wilbur as a victim of mental illness, and yeah maybe? He definitely wasn't mentally well by the end of pogtopia, but he never started out with honorable intentions. L'manburg was never a victim, only its citizens. The TommyInnits of the world.

I just think it's like... such an interesting case study. Because this is like... an opinion like shared by at least half of the fandom, but the vilifying of c!Dream is shared by MOST of the fandom I would argue. Which is like even more crazy for me because that was c!Wilbur's goal!!!

LIKE I GO INSANE WHEN I THINK OF THIS BECAUSE HIS REACH IS JUST TOO POWERFUL. HE'S NOT EVEN ENTIRELY REAL, JUST A MANIPULATIVE PERSONA OF SOME BRITISH GUY.

And I mean... maybe people who have watched Wilbur's video on the SMP still maintain this idea that Wilbur wasn't always the bad guy, but honestly... I wouldn't be surprised if their introduction was still an animatic. Like bias is hard to check and I'm not going to lie I could have sworn I watched both Wilbur's AND Tommy's video on the SMP in the beginning and yet I STILL was a ride or die for tragic yet on some level still honorable Wilbur and a resilient Tommy.

Like... upon watching Wilbur's first video... possibly again I was surprised because I thought I did watch it like right before I even started watching the streams and yet I was still so invested in c!Wilbur as this tortured anti-hero.

It took 6 months of... not being in an echo chamber, full of multiple different people of different ages, different stream POVS, and people who joined the fandom at different points in time.

IDK IF THIS WAS EVEN ENTIRELY RELEVANT IT JUST FELT TANGENTIALLY RELEVANT AND THIS WAS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A HOT MINUTE AFTER LIKE WATCHING WILBUR'S FIRST VIDEO AGAIN.

TLDR;

SBI CENTRIC ANIMATICS HAD A LASTING AFFECT ON THIS FANDOM AS IT'S HARD TO GO BACK AND ACTUALLY CHECK THE NARRATIVE FOR SOLID FACTS FOR YOUR OWN INTERPRETATION BASED ON THE FACT THAT THIS NARRATIVE SPANS OVER HUNDREDS OF HOURS WORTH OF TWITCH STREAMS.

[cinearia]

The "Morally Grey" in ACOTAR

I decided to write something I have been thinking about since I saw some people saying this when pointing out the wrong attitude of some characters in ACOTAR (aka Rhysand and company), but I think this can apply in general. In another specific story, but I will focus on ACOTAR.

And please, if you disagree, that's fine. This is an opinion of mine that I decided to write and post, because I find it an interesting subject that does not necessarily apply only in ACOTAR, but that is in the saga and I have seen people commenting on it. I don't want to fight with anyone, okay? I put in the tags that fit in.

So...

I love morally gray characters, but just to make it clear right now, I don't think that EVERY story has to have ambiguous characters. It's okay if the story is to follow a line more heroes versus villains line. But one of the things I saw here on tumblr and twitter about the attitudes of IC, Rhysand and Feyre was using that same argument, that they are not perfect, that they have their flaws. I definitely agree with that.

But history itself does not recognize this (and some fans too). Because nobody seems to call their shit out.

Starting from a general view that can include all of the IC. Like, how not to worry about your image while protecting your city? Okay, i get it, we had to be the tHe BaD gUyS, but y'all will suffering the consequences for this, especially if its to protect your own city. Some other people are protecting their citys too. Doesn't mean that you are wrong, but everything has consequences.

Or, how they constantly abuse their power; how Rhysand threatening and using his powers even at a political meeting sound good? How Feyre ended up hurting someone during that same meeting, even if unintentionally, was just fine? No one will call their shit about using their powers? Do you really seek to make allies and friends in the middle of a war by showing abuse of power and threatening others (and not just feysand doing this)? Or saying that they should step over the others so that there is only one king and queen in Prythian (that was right for you, Amren).

And that is partly the fault of writing. Now, more specific:

They lie and steals a valuable artifact from a possible ally and political leader of an entire court? Ah, but it is for a greater good. It will not jeopardize the confidence of a HIGH LORD OF A COURT who was supposed to be his ally in the midst of a war.

Did Feyre decimate an court? Ah, but the leader was abusive to her, she felt trapped in the place that was rebuilding because of a curse of hundreds of years, even though there are innocent people. And, of course, you will have the consequences for this.

(this one more personal and less political) Elain, perhaps the least worst of all, neglected Feyre as much as Nesta did, and also do nothing when she went hunting? Ah, but Elain is Elain.

Did Rhysand hide information from Feyre's pregnancy that she and the baby could die in childbirth? Ah, but he didn't want to worry her, he was scared to lose her and her son. And the whole IC agreed not to tell her anything? Ah, they also care about her, the High Lady.

(And this is the worst and yes, I’ve seen someone say that) Rhysand did it all with Feyre UTM, drugged her, put her in a dress that didn’t cover anything, made her dance all night on his lap? But because he wanted to protect her, we need to hear both sides of the story.

And that's fine because they are the good guys in the story. But it is nothing more than pure hypocrisy, and no consequence falls on them. If it happens, it will be unfair, is just to move the plot.

Do you want us to believe in the heroes of history, do you want us to side with them? Great, we can do that. We could have liked Feyre and Rhysand and the whole IC more, as a group that doesn't always do the right things, except that would have to change literally EVERYTHING (a little bit of charisma would be good).

Instead, for me, it became an egocentric boring FoUnD FaMiLy group that only cares about their own city - and it's not necessarily wrong to be concerned only with Velaris, it's part of their history. But forcing an image on them that doesn't match their actions makes me believe the opposite, especially cause started in ACOSF, again from AMREN, about a King and Queen in Prythian.

So, I came to believe that it was a POV issue. For IC, they are the heroes of history, and think they are better than the rest.

It would be curious, in fact, if the whole point was that Feyre's POV would incapacitate us from seeing the flaws that she doesn't see. And totally proposital. That is why we have to see her as a saint, but at the same time so badass. Wow, no one, i repeat, NO ONE, suspect of me while i pretend to be innocent.

Or how we see her mate so perfect, to the point that history doesn't allow us to stop and think 'wait, this is kind of ...weird'. Or that, as much as there is an error there, but not leat the reader question the characters themselves. Rhysand, for Feyre, is perfect.

We have to see Rhysand as that altruistic, laid-back person who does everything for others, mostly because he did it for Feyre, and that can't be denied. He saved her, took her to her city, her family. What made me stop to think is how Feyre may be reproducing their behavior. How he seems to want her to be part of it so badly. I don't know how to put it into words, but that's more or less what I wrote in another rant I did.

Everything she does is justified by the other characters. At the same time that she, Rhysand and everyone in the IC have hypocritical and very wrong attitudes that history itself does not recognize. And, worst of that, the story seems glorify her POV.

Seriously, when she disobeys the instructions given to her (what she does the most) she has no one to say 'girl, please stop. Just STOP)

And with this said, i add:

We don't have to agree with everything that the characters and the protagonist do. We can love them and still disagree with them, because they are people, or fae, like any other, and there will always be something in them that we will disagree with. It makes them real. They can be heroes and still have their dark side.

The reasons may be as noble as possible, but that will not exclude the consequences, it will not exclude them from being wrong. They do not necessarily need to take a spur or a lesson in morals, but just do not miss out on what every action can bring, especially political leaders in the midst of a war.

Whenever the IC does something, it is for a "bigger" reason, but without giving us the chance to even question it. We don't see them paying for their words, without necessarily moving the plot of the story, in a story that focuses so much on the development of the characters themselves and putting the war in the background (or how should been). Without us being able to question the motivations of the good guys and always doubt the villains.

And this is where I’m going to focus on a more specific point; funny like any character who is "MoRaLlY GrAy" and who "have YOUR rEaSoNs" are men or with history of abuser. Thats funny, right? The new one now is Eris, who was part of Mor's trauma and one of Lucien's nasty brothers, that one who already attacked Lucien, the one who was going to kill Feyre. Who did all that to Mor.

But having Eris saying that she, the victim, didn't tell the whole truth, and the history is now showing that we will see his side...

It just makes me ask, how, in ALL the process of creating and writing these books, passing for her editors, in the books that she wants to pass the message of feminism so much, SJM didn't stop to think, or didn't have a friend to put their hand on your conscience, how wrong does it sound for the abuser to say that the victim is lying?

Why are the men in this saga constantly gaining the gift of doubt?

I can no longer see Rhysand as being morally gray precisely because of what SJM wants us to believe as he is and justifies his actions. What could have been in ACOTAR stopped being completely from ACOMAF, probably because SJM wanted that in her story, the girl would stay with the """villain"""

For from then on, every action of Rhysand is justified and without future consequences, since we are supposed to root for him. Now he is the protagonist's new love interest. So we don't blame him for what he does. So, everything is fine. He's not the bad guy.

And meanwhile, Tamlin comes down to being the bad, abusive guy and... That's it. And no, I don't think he's a good person, he doesn't have to have an arc of redemption, what he did with Feyre is still wrong. The difference now is that Tamlin is just that, those are his only attributes now, while Rhysand has attitudes as bad as, perhaps more, than he had. One is being extremely vilanized while the other is the hero of history, when they are only two sides of the same coin.

I can share this hatred as ALL characters feel for Tamlin, if I didn't see how everyone else did such bad things. Let's remember too, one has the job of torturing people, another has decimated an entire village. They really do what they want and... It's okay.

Doesn't work say that the story has a morally grey area with the characters if the consequences balance it does not lean towards the protagonists.

It costs me less to believe that they are what they are every time SJM reinforces in Feyre's POV how selfless Rhysand is and how much Feyre talks about how badass she is and the two of them such a powerful couple. Literally, I start to think the opposite.

(I did a second part of this rant, but I think it can get a little more personal cause focus in Nesta and Feyre that I decided to split it in two)

[author-archive]

Author Interview: awickedplacethisis

Name: Simon

Tumblr: @awickedplacethisis​

Where else you can find them: ao3

What is the main pairing you write for?

Harringrove - Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington from Stranger Things

What inspired you to start writing for them?

The obvious tension between them in the show, and all the queer subtext I could see in Billy’s character! Plus, of course, all the amazing creators I found in the fandom. I wanted to contribute too!

Do you remember the first fic you ever wrote?

The first fic I ever wrote was definitely something Harry Potter related. The first fic I SHARED was a Simon vs. fic I wrote when the book came out, when that fandom was even smaller than it still is.

What fic/scene has been the hardest for you to write and why?

Billy’s relationship with his dad is always a challenge for me to write. Because we saw so little of it, and the little we saw was a mess. There’s a lot that hits close to home, whenever I write Billy in general. When I look back to the first time I ever wrote their relationship, I just want to go back and change it all. It’s a struggle, to capture something real, there.

What inspires you?

When I write, I get a lot of inspiration from thoughts running around in my own head, true events or just random things that COULD happen, to me. To someone LIKE me. But also, a lot of the beautiful fanart in the fandom give me real good ideas for fics. Just generally in life, my inspiration comes from fiction, I think. I’ve always read a lot, and that feeling of seeing something on paper that could happen to you, or would never ever happen, having that grip you and keep you in a whole different world, that feeling means a lot to me. Literature plays a big part in all aspects of my life, in the end.

Do you have a writing process? If so, what's it like?

Oh... I don’t think I even know my own process, really. I try to always have something at hand, a phone or computer or notebook, so I can write down ideas as soon as inspiration hits. That’s probably the only consistent thing, I write down all my ideas, big ones or small ones, because I know I forget them within the minute if I don’t. And from there, I usually try to find the “eye of the storm” first. What does the whole fic revolve around? How does it come to that place? Why does it change? Honestly, my projects are messes right until they’re done. Snippets of dialogue here, some author notes to myself there, delusional 2 am writing hidden away in a corner.

How would you describe your writing style?

My writing style is... messy. But that’s why I like it. It’s filled with cut off thoughts and italics, ‘cause that’s how I think. And that’s how I’d like to imagine those characters think. It’s also slightly influenced by the poetry I read, and just other literature in general. All though I try to be careful when it comes to that, ‘cause I’d rather something be plain when it comes to wording, than to be all fancy in a way the characters would never think. My writing style is like mundane poetry, if that makes sense.

Is there anyone that influences your style?

Not really, at least not consciously. I definitely take up tips from other writers, both in fandom and published authors. I see things I like in someone else’s writing and remember it for the next time I write. Something I think influences me a little is “The book of disquiet” by Fernando Pessoa.

What's your favourite line that you've written? This was a tough one, really. Probably this one, from my fic “the first time I saw the ocean (it was in your eyes)”

“to find darker blue in the lighter, specs of green so vivid that it’s weird he’s never seen them before. Maybe he’s never really looked , before.”

It’s really not a deep line or anything, but it really just captures Steve’s unknowing longing. The way he wants but he doesn’t know what. The way he sees so much that he’s never seen before, doesn’t really know what to do with that.

What do you find to be the easiest part of writing?

I don’t know if it counts, but nsfw content is definitely the easiest and non challenging stuff for me to write. ‘Cause just on a base level, it doesn’t really hold any depth. It can, depending on what you do with it, how you write the characters inner turmoil and everythin’. Other than that, I feel like it’s easy for me to write dialogue, all sorts of it. As a theatre kid, scripts have always had a big appeal, I guess.

What's the hardest?

The hardest is definitely getting to the point. I’ll spend too many words on building up a backstory, and then the actual plot just never happens. Backstory can be nice, but some fics call for that “being plunged right into the chaos”, from the start.

Why do you write?

I write ‘cause I’ve learnt no one else is going to give me the fiction I want. No ones gonna write characters like me if I do nothing. Sure, it’s starting, the whole diversity thing. But I won’t sit around and hope someone will write a book or script a movie with characters I can see myself in. I’ll write it myself. Of course, writing is a passion of mine. It’s not just that I wanna see myself on a page or a screen. The way we have languages, ways of creating stories and immortalize them, it’s so amazing to me. And I love it.

Why do you share your work?

I share my work in hope to make someone feel something. I want people to read words I’ve put together and feel things, feel pain or happiness or sadness or hope. Anything. ‘Cause it’s so baffling to me that words can DO that. I also want other people to be able to see themselves in something. A lot of people turn to fanfiction to find some kinda story they can see themselves in, and if I make even one person feel like they belong thanks to my work, I’ve succeeded.

Is there anything you’d like to share from a current WIP?

I’ve got quite a few of ‘em, and too little organization to finish them. Here’s an excerpt from my fic “the first time you said sorry (you used all the wrong words)” - part 2 of my “a series of firsts (in a way)”

“Nothing changes, except Steve can’t stop thinking about it. And he’s great at not thinking about it, but blue eyes and rough hands and deft fingers keep following him. That feeling, too. The one that gripped him, locked him in place. It choked him, left him heaving. Maybe it’s ‘cause it was Hargrove. He’d find some way of hurting him, even if he didn’t pound his face in. Maybe it’s the queer thing. The thing he’s never, ever thought about. The thing he locked away, kept away. Maybe it’s a sign that he’s not, that it’s so wrong that his body protested against it, locked itself in.”

(Italics got removed, but you can imagine I overuse the hell outta them)

Question from an anon: as a gay man, how do you feel about straight women who enjoy m/m fanfiction?

Now, this is quite the heated subject. And I do have a lot of feelings about that. Both as a gay man, and as a fanfiction writer. First, and most importantly, if what you enjoy is not harmful to you or anyone else, it’s okay to enjoy it. I’m all for enjoying things. As a content provider, my whole goal is for people to enjoy themselves. And I’d never restrict my content to one group of people, ‘cause everyone has the right to consume free media, and I want to share my work with everyone.

Straight women have the same right to enjoy content as any other person. Whatever floats your boat, do that. But, one thing needs to be clear. Enjoying m/m fanfiction in itself is nothing more than that. It doesn’t make you an ally of the community, and it doesn’t make you apart of it. Honestly, its just fetishizing. If you consume gay porn, it’s ‘cause it gets you going. If a straight woman consciously searches out gay porn or m/m fan fiction, its fetishizing.

And the extreme fetishizing of gay men in media is a problem. We’ve been given breadcrumbs of representation only to now be used as bait for straight girls who think it’s just sooo cute to see Timothée Chalamet get fucked on screen. And I get angry about that. I get angry that the representation we need is redirected to other people, people who really don’t care about the community as a whole further than their cute gay (and cis, and white) couples. I hate that. But i can’t sit and pretend like I have some sort of moral high ground. ‘Cause I make content that feeds into that. But it’s different, with fanfiction. I make content for MYSELF, and then whoever sees it, good for them. If all of my readers were straight women, I’d be fine with that. As long as they know that all they do is enjoy porn that fits their fetish. Or, if its not the smut, its still to an extent that. Fetishizing or romanticizing a group of people. And you do you, as long as you know that’s all you do.

Enjoy the harmless content you want to enjoy. And fanfiction is harmless. Just, this is the important part, don’t act like you’re doing more than that. You’re not a gay icon or an ally or super woke for reading about two fictional characters who interacted once fuck. You’re enjoying yourself, and thats fine. But in the end, its nothing more than that.  We’re a community, and you gotta stick up for everyone if you think you’re even close to an ‘ally’. Queer folk stick together. And when i say i don’t mind straight women reading my work, I gotta make one thing clear:

My work is to LGBT+ people, from someone in the community. I write because we deserve to see authentic people like us in fiction. And I’m doing my part to make at least one person feel like they can see a character and think “this is me”.

[lcnguor]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — Since she is an OC with her own lore I would say pretty much . Of course there are some heres and theres and she changed a lot from the first time I dragged her out of the void of my head . I originally wanted to make more of a gag character but ended up taking too much of the screen if I’m honest . but of course , since there is many other lores and crossovers are a must , some things change once or twice .

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Nora is a mentor character , supportive and most likely to be the ace under the sleeve like a Kisuke Urahara from Bleach or Sinbad from Magi --- you know there’s something fishy but there is a charm that even thought they are slidding in the background for the main character , their relevance is vast . As a mentor characters , she would often help with insight , understanding of complex things , giving moral lessons and giving others a sense of security whilst also making sure to throw hints about a doubious nature . Keeping a character around her to keep their feet on ground while never shooting down their hopes and dreams .

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  She is not approachable unless you have enough guts to -- perhaps even looks intimidating or hard to come up with something plausible to make the meeting more natural . And honestly , she looks like a mainstream angst character at first glance --- even I myself believe this and start having second thoughts ... :laughs:  

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  An old project I had archived in my closet of memories (?). She was the main , nameless character of a journal about , well , her and the emotions she had to deal with in the everyday . I will be seriously honest ... it was a self insert :blushes: after all it was like a personal journal I was doing on my darkest days . But after that , she became Sable -- the first character on her own -- who also served as a mentor ( but the story was much more dark , seriously ) and then just came to this . I even used the pre-prototype name lol . The idea was to put the whole story into a RPG pixel game or a short comic series where she ( Sable ) and the protagonist would wander around a city called “Nobody’s Home” , a place were people with “thats” ( what now are called Stalkers ) got dragged into and either confront their emotions and solve / comes in terms with them or get eaten by them ( a metaphor for suicide or dead by mental illness ) . The story was more or less about Sable teaching Nona ( the genderless protagonist ) about different mental states , issues and others and helping people solve them so they can return to the real world . Needless to say , the story ends with Nona returning after coming in terms with their condition ( funnily enough , the protagonist had a bunny shaped emotion ) while on the other hand Sable stayed behind along with her closest friend , who she question why he keeps being around if he could return himself , to what he replies he doesn’t want to leave her alone esp since she can no longer return --- hinting Sable committed suicide but by sheer will power remained there to help others to deal with what she couldn’t . Voez , the friend I mention , is even Victor from her current lore . Haha , I like recycling I guess . When I came with Nora , it was mostly to kill time and altered her base story a bit since the original plot was way to close up to make an interaction .

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  How well received she became , I know it sounds a bit ... uh , bad . But I honestly never expected people to like her . heck I even have my doubts about myself liking her haha . plus I know it’s not easy to deal with a character with a somewhat meta power ... I still struggle from time to time but I’m managing and having the support I have atm is something that keeps me going . I love plot a shit lot . I love to come up with ideas with others . To expand what I already have . besides , there is so much I haven’t write down yet that is about her lore but I’m a bit insecure yet . I guess I’m too used to forums where everyon follows a general plot haha ... old habits die hard .

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / 50-50

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO, I HATE DRABBLES.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES/ NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / .... UHHHH

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES VERY MUCH A LOT / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I haven’t got any so far --- which honestly surprises me because well ... there is so much that can bother people . as I said , I received a lot of support and praise , which also surprises me haha ... I won’t deny I would love to hear what people think , even if I later end up riding the anxiety train to the moon but it’s also a way to grow up , I believe . god ... I sound like nora Uu

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I absolute love this and need this . It comes easier for me to make a 20 word pages of information about stuff if I’m asking specifically about it . even add explanatory drawings with it lolol since I’m kinda bad with words . besides , showing me interest on a character would just fire the heck out of me to keep going . I mean , everyone likes to get some curiosity and a chance to develop more their characters , canon or not .

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  I would for sure . I’m not smart and I actually do a shit ton of research --- but even so I can miss a lot of shit people would say <nah that’s not how it works> and that would be helpful as heckie . but of course , needing the why also would tell me if the person disagreeing is doing it with a solid ground or just because they are being a piece of crap . I’m really tired of tumblr mentality and shitty people who aren’t mature enough to act decently .

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  you cannot like everyone or have everyone like you either . I don’t really care much ... esp since nora is an original character . if it constructive critisism , okay -- I will take it , but gimme a solid reason other than “ your character is / is not ... “ and then give a crappy critique because she doesn’t fit your agenda or standards .

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  you are fucking free to unfollow me and ignore me for the rest of your life . I really don’t get the point of hating on the internet just because and keep promoting your hate just to be a pain in the ass .

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  I fucking wrote in my rules that people are even fricking free to fix my grammar and english because holy heck , even to this day I still do some ugly shit . I’m dumb , help ...

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, kinda . I take everything with water . whenever it’s of ideology , people as it is , characters ... I am quite tolerant and try to keep the “okay this person thinks this way , fine .” but as long as nobody crosses the line where they try to spoil it for me or others , I get super bitter . I love OOC , getting to know the one behind the character makes me feel more secure about coming to them and just rambling about plots and hcs and whatever idea got in my mind . but if I see someone and , forgive me god for misjudging , see them as a person that will put me on my nerves -- I won’t even try . as for the friends I have and those who don’t know me as much ... I am obnoxiously sporadic and have a lot of ups and downs very often . one day I could be talking 100 words per second others I will just take a fucking week to respond . honestly , I had mined my social skills for two years plus several other irl stuff previous to that , so I’m always a bit too anxious around people , esp people I REALLY like . I’m insecure as heck , if someone is vague ( just because , idk , it was a lazy day for them ) I think at least 10 different reason why probably that person hates me now . I’m a bit dumb 26 year old baby .......... but I’m very aware that is completely on me . I’m a mess.......  so , what was the question again ??? ... I , yeah ... it’s a kinda . but I try , at least haha.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @skyvar​ herself Tagging: y’all , cowgirls and cowbois . i hate tagging bc i forget urls :finger guns:

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

hii! so i was typed an infj, both by cognitive functions tests, personality tests, and the 16 personalities thingy. my enneagram is 6. so because the whole stigma around the mistypings of infj so i get really unsure of my type a lot. no other type resonates with me more but im not the calm, collected version infj’s are made out to be. as my best self i am chaotic, and excited, making no sense at all and being free. i am also not as morally righteous as infjs seem to be, however i used to be more

           chaotic infj back again. i do see myself being easily manipulated by people with npd and such and can also see myself using my NiFe to manipulate others sometimes without even noticing. i also see myself adjusting to those around me to make them the most comfortable, if they need someone shy or outgoing etc. however, because of the N preference in the community i feel i might be mistyped there, when i am in fact an s. i love ideas and big abstract themes such as morality, the nova effect 2/infj            

3/infj politics, mbti, etc but while still in highschool i see myself just wanting facts and facts and no abstract ideas and anytime there is not a definite answer i get anxious. this could be due to the competitive nature of my school and my perfectionism or when i get into an NiTi loop but i also wanted your opinion. i am very self aware and self reflective, hence why i can’t seem to stop doubting who i am, and i know thats a trait of infjs. i also resonate a lot with andrew garfield who is            

4/infj who is an infamous infp and i know im not as idealist as i used to be with politics but i still don’t think im as free flowing as an infp because i don’t revel in being different i hate it. thanks for listening and doing what you do and if you have any thoughts i would really like to hear them            

5/infj, also im sorry about using Ni and Fe and Ti and all those i forgot they were in ur faq and thats normally how i talk about mbti and i also know i used very average descriptions like morally righteous and stuff which is also in ur faq eek, im sorry i tried my best its hard to describe yourself             

--------------------------------

Hi anon,

Just to get it out of the way, I don’t have a typing for this and my advice is going to be what it is for many high schoolers who have difficulty describing themselves, which is wait until you’ve developed more as a person. It’s always hard to describe yourself, but it’s much harder when many of your choices are made for you and you’re still very much in the midst of figuring out who you are.

A few things to consider when retyping yourself in the future: first, tests are garbage. They type essentially everyone who shows mild curiosity about the world as an intuitive, anyone who isn’t extremely extroverted as an introvert, and reduce the valid differences between judgers and perceivers to neat/messy. I do find they’re often kind of okay on feeling vs. thinking (in the dichotomy sense - they can’t tell apart Fi from Fe), but that’s also something that in many cases I find relatively easy to tell. Anyway, the only thing I’d consider taking away from this is that you’re probably a feeler, and the information you provided seems to back that up.

Second, I’m not sure what your sources are for INFJ behavior. The fact is because this type is so commonly over typed, you can hear arguments for basically everything since people of all types think they’re INFJs and even the same descriptions often contradict, and not in a Walt Whitman kind of way but in a “wow you did not think this through” kind of way. I mean, what kind of moral person prides themselves on the door slam, an immature and stupid thing to do*? So I would just ignore all of those and try to type yourself, as a person, based on the functions.

For manipulations; first, how many people do you know with NPD? Like, actually diagnosed? I’m not saying it’s impossible you’ve run into them but I don’t think I’ve ever run into someone personally with an actual APD or NPD diagnosis that I knew of. Second, what specifically do you mean by manipulation? I find it’s an area that gets weirdly defined on Tumblr and sometimes people use it to refer to like, normally asking people to do things for you which is just being a person. Manipulation has an implication of underhanded tactics.

For liking philosophical ideas: I find most intelligent people do. Intuition vs. Sensing isn’t a matter of liking philosophical ideas in an academic/leisure setting; it’s more specifically about how you interact with them in your actual daily life when you’re not in school or spending your free time. I’m a physicist, like, as my job, and I love physics, and I was drawn to physics by a lot of cool theoretical ideas which I still find interesting - but I have absolutely no desire to be a theoretical physicist professionally. So I have a question, and a caveat here: first, would you be happy spending your life pondering philosophical or theoretical questions as a primary thing that you do? And for the caveat: in high school I absolutely would have said yes, and as a junior in college I realized the answer was actually a strong No, which is yet another reason why I think waiting to type yourself until you’re older is often a very good idea. (Note: this is not a perfect sensing/intuition question by any means anyway - I suspect a lot of ENTJs would answer No here because of their dominant Te. But it’s a valuable question to have in mind when typing yourself.)

I think being a little older will also shed whether you want guidance because you’re a sensor or guidance because of the general nature of high school and academic pressures, and whether you want to fit in because you have Fe or because of the general nature of high school. It’s worth noting that if you’re confident in a 6 core enneagram, that might be a factor whether you use high Fe or high Fi.

I don’t place a lot of value on who you relate to; not only do I not personally know Andrew Garfield’s type I think part of the nature of celebrity (and/or fictional characters) is projecting a persona that can appeal to a lot of people, and the reasons we relate to people often are about shared experience or a shared opinion about something important to us. We can relate to people of different types quite easily - which is good - but it means it’s not really a typing tool.

And finally I guess to clarify - the reason I ask people not to use MBTI terms in asking questions isn’t because I dislike it for its own sake - it’s because it makes it pretty much impossible for me to draw my own conclusions. Typing over the internet is always a challenge because I’m relying on someone’s own unintentionally cherry-picked understanding of their personality, rather than my observation, but when they use functions to describe what they do it, I don’t even know what they’re trying to say because there’s an additional layer of uncertainty based on whether their understanding of Fe (for example) is the same as mine and so I have nothing to go on and won’t be able to answer. Believe me, if the FAQ was about things I dislike rather than things I need to type well I would just be deleting every question in which someone ended a sentence with ‘lol’.

So: no idea on type other than feeler, but I hope the above gives you an idea of what to look for in the future, with the understanding that you might not be able to type yourself accurately for a while, and that’s fine.

*as always I make an exception if you’re cutting off ties with an abuser but a lot of the door slam descriptions aren’t “I stopped talking to my abuser and didn’t tell them why because it would put me in danger,” but rather “this person BETRAYED MY CONFIDENCES and I cannot ever forgive them, they have pushed me too far this time and I have given all of myself, but I shan’t be hurt again, I cannot bear it” and it’s all extremely amateur-production-of-a-Bronte-novel and melodramatic and very silly.

[colorspilling-blog]

Movement and Color

eWe’re not this individual thing that has to push life on earth forward. We’re all part of this gorgeous s trail coming out from behind. A shooting star. The call of light alone would be as beautiful if it were jus b itself. It would be this floating mass of while, not moving, no momentum. We are the momentum. A rainbow momentum swoosh behind the ballushing life forward, vibrations inside the ball of the winging ball trick that goes on gu”s desks. We’re that magic vibrations behind. That no one sees, bue eakes things MOVE. Just dons of existence and motion, driving a force along a path, we are in==not important at all, but we are essential, those of us working hard to Mae life pretty calms and soothes. And lifts us up. It makes things kind, and great, because why not enjoy life? Why not???? We’ll get there anyways. But in that, we DO have people suffering and people here now, and support those here ecaulse they are so important. Strive to make the world better for EVERYone. It’;; take moe itime, but it will be more beautiful. It will transform the world in new ways, in more gorgeous way. It will bring us into a sea of relaxation, it will le t us sooth and become more vibrant as a while. One color alone is monotonous. Its inconsequential. It’s bland it’s harsh. Variation a better world, gives us a doting, calm, wonderful place to live. But if e get to harsh apart, if those just prey on those who give, the givers should put that responsibility on them, as they are pulling back the shooting arrow through space and time. We all must push FORWARD. And the best way is to spread our wings and catch a draft of air forward. We go nowhere without that breadth of life, the expansion of our wings causes us to move forward. Rare stagnant without variation. Everyone is important equally and we will move forward. But don’t give too rigidly equally, the air will slide off and we will become still and spinning, things will get diss. Move forward to feel better. Everyone is in better place, of these octagons building up life. These bridges between places making up a beautiful whole. We are but tiny pieces of a huge pulse and everyone is so important and essential to this piece, and no watter what they do or who they are and link of this chain Maile, this vibrant rainbow chainmail because why not? Who NOT have things be beautiful it’s better. It feels better. It would be all the same, but that’s boring and we don’t fight for poring shit. We fight for who we love and who we are, it’s just how we’re MADE. And no different part of that is more or less essential.  And maybe there’ s a creator who creates and IS our god? But then soon out and that creator is where we are, being created by another creator. We’re tiny molecules of time, zooming in and out in pattern and vibrations. This natural beauty in a snowflake, That essential support and life essence, we’re just all doing it to make things pretty anyways. L. The moral vibrations produced as I’m experiencing this go and produce their own energy behind a ball swining in these next universe, so in a way, I am a creator. I am unknowingly a creator of al these infinite possibilities and different ways of live, JUST because I exist? For m existence to take shape, molecules need to me moved, atoms need to me shifted and used, and all these different parts of me have tiny pieces just pushing and glowing and MOVING. How do they MOVE> all these tiny vibrations being caused by even smaller fractals of color and moventmt. All within me. Every tiny rivrant of light and LIFE make me who I am@ It’s wonderful and for no other sake than for making my rainbow and my color, I love it. I love the colofr the vibrations have made for me. I love each and every part of me, and I hope everyone does too. Even the ones who are choosing to be bleak and bland, vecause in this array of space, we’re only tiny dots that make up another pattern and rainbow. My colors are so pretty and varied, and that’s gorgeous, but far way I look like one dot of light, one dot of color. I don’t look particularly cold or interesting, but I’, jere bot to balance out the shit, to ve land and be a park part of a bigger mosaic, but ALSO to be colorful and wonderful within myself, and love every color and every bit of me, and that’s MINE and who else chooses to love it and let it influence them, But no one has to love my shine for it to still be valid and wonderful. But no one HAS to acknowledge my shine. I am just as interesting and bright as an other person, though I shine fright in the one direction I’m facing. We’re in 2D now kids, I;;m pulling one way and others are pulling the other way, creating this form factor for a bubleand piece of a grid,  hat is the difference between science and blind faith always? As long as it’s not actively harming anyone, why the fuck now? Be cooky, love something wild. we all deserve equl part in this life, and don’t go and enforce yourself on others. This is my truth and only my truth, I’m  not speaking for anyone else, but me, and thats all I can do. I can hold this shape and old this color, and be who I am but tnothing less and nothing more, nothing marking anyone. It goes out is so many directions, where I believe to put m love and m time and m energy, and that’s fractilizes down into littly colored parts and shapes that make p ME, the atoms and particles make up ME, just like I make up part of this world. 
I really need to pees, Life is just a fluctuation between macro and micro, trying to find that balance and trying to find what we are. And that’s all of us and I can’t force it to be anyone. It’s just a basic truth. You can only exist as you are, each tiny part of us making up us making up a bigger structures. There are tiny particles moving me, Make not typing on the computer, but maybe they are! I don’t know and I will never know, not in my life time! We all mean so much and so little at the same time. And as long as that’s focus on you and you alone, that’s fine. My brain is hurting.

I’m definitely beginning to not be high anymore, and I don’t know what science is and what is just plain existence, and magic and faith, and all we can do is strive for what is science, because isn’t micro and macro all the same anyways?should we push others aside to travel the world and see the beauty and push out and onwards, despite people, to see the colors fractling elsewhere, or should we stay stout and supportive of who we are, and become one shard in the mosaic that is this cosmic universe. Fucking everything is relative and that sucks to accept and that sucks that we have to sometimes be boring and shitty, that we have to make sure things still move and things still PROGRESS, but part of us has to be within us, taking care of our color and our vibrance, to aid the bigger cause? If we don’t care about the smaller structures, and we don’t love and nurture each and every part of us, how can we go on to achieve the goals we dream of? There’s not enough TIME to both be you and not you, and to be pulled in your heart way or your mind way, and we’re all these FRACTLES of gorgeous humanity and existance, and everyone is fucking weird as shit and that makes things BEAUTIFUL. That makes things interesting and just. As existence. I’m this fractal of honestly believing this and wanting others to acknowledge who I am and this my belief and also a fractal of knowing I’m high! I’m mistyping! I’m this REAL human, I keep running to the bathroom to make sure I’m not bleeding on everything beacuase I’m a woman and because I exist and am, that’s COOL? But looking at it on a such clinical level is weird and I have to aside saying that It’s both this solid existence and nonsensical matter that it borders the line of science speak and pure gibberish. I’m SURE someone would read this and thing it’s everywhere and nonsensical and a ramblings of a selfish, shithead, undeserving, lunatic, and some people would look at it as a way to exist. It’s MY way to exist! And I don’t know who else shares what I believe and such until I go out and look at other people, I don’t know what makes me great unless I see what makes other people great. We are all giving and getting from pieces and parts of others, synthesizing each other and becoming who we are, we are bleeding rivers of color into each other’s pond, each tiny gradient important and essential to life, but also in and of itself creating a larger more washed out pixel, which has it’s place in the scene of things. I just became aware of time. It has faded in and out for a while. That’s both important and non important. Time isn’t anything. Why shouldn’t I be me in this moment, and then I lose the moment and lose other things. It all slips away when you focus down to who you are. Things make you bland and stale if you’re predictable and boring, and thus you have to be interesting and essential and different, while not detracting from anyone else seeking to do so.  I do not matter and neither does anyone else, but if we cease to exist whole galaxies and stars cease to exist. Lives cease to exist. We don’t matter. We are essential. We both seek to create the greater good and support that which makes us up be able to exist. Life is INCREDIBLE and vibrationally faceted, and our atoms and electrons are made of galaxies. We keep discovering more and becoming larger and more vibrant, but we block others out of the way. Life is finding the balance between us and US. Brb I gotta go de-period myself. Some people will praise this as their logical thought path, and others Will not. Being high and writing both is a meaningless waste of time, and who I COULD potentially be, exist as, contrubute. Those see part of it wrong, others see it as the way to live. We are essential, and we don’t matter.

Some will want this to go on, and some will want it to stop. Some may thing that my ramblings an essential way of deconstructing man, and some will see this as a throw away and garbage. They both matter, but neither should dominate.

This was sparked by the Office and weed.

Doing something kind and sweet for someone both inconveniences others but makes others better. All we can do is try and lift others up when they need to lift others. Chains. Links. When does morality become bad? Selfish, draining, self care, awareness vibrates out. Everyone has their existence and it tears me apart. It tears me apart and I want to see everything but I can see nothing without providing something for others to see.have power by not having power

[leaderofthebadguys]

and here I am with part 1B, yeah hope you like it.

lyric breakdown where i discuss the songs below

Bring me the Horizon - Doomed (about the storm)

Man this one is pretty much about Nathan talking about the storm, in that AU where he was initially going to know about it.

"Cut off my wings and come lock me up. Just pull the plug, I've had enough. Tear me to pieces, sell me for parts, you are all vampires, so here, you can have my heart." "The world's a funeral, a room of ghosts. No hint of movement, no sign of pulse." "So come rain on my parade, because I wanna feel it. Come shove me over the edge, because my head is in overdrive. Im sorry but it's too late and it's not worth saving." "I think we are doomed, and there is no way back!" "You must've made some kind of mistake, I asked for Death but instead I'm awake." "The sun dont shine, it never did. And when it rain, it fucking pours, but I think I like it. And you know that I'm in love with the mess."

Bring me the Horizon - Drown

Yeah, the name kind of speak for itself. He doesn’t wanna drown.

"What does'nt kill you, makes you wish you were dead. Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper..." "And I can't take one more moment of this silence. The loneliness is haunting me, and the weight of the world getting harder to hold up." "I'm not okay! And it's not alright!" "Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down? Save me from myself? Don't let me drown." "Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive? Save me from myself? Don't let me drown." "Because you know that I can't do this on my own."

Bring me the Horizon - Happy Song

This one is kinda a coping song? Its about wanting to get better.

"I've had enough, there's a voice in my head says I'm better off dead. But if we sing along, a little god damn louder to a happy song, it'll be alright." "And I really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel. And I'm going round in circles." "We are possessed, we're all fucked in the head. Alone and depressed." "Don't wake us up, we'd rather just keep dreaming, because the nightmares in our heads are bad enough."

Declan McKenna - The Kids Don't Wanna Come Home (about his family)

Man, this one is about kids being left out by parents. People ask why a certain kid has a gun but they don’t wanna see why and everything behind it. Is the parents raising him right? Obvsly not.

"I don't know what I want, if I'm complety honest. I guess I could start a war, I guess I could sleep on it." "But hey, there, kids with guns. Your neighbours complain but they don't know where they come from." "You don't know how to give love to anyone, you don't know how to pretend. You told your kids that they'd live long forever, but the kids don't wanna come home again." "Haven't you any shame? Have you got no morals? Teaching how to aim no sadness and no sorrow." "Well there, mother mine, your kids are sick but they're gonna be just fine. I said possibly not, if you keep raising them this way. You're just leading them to die."

Declan McKenna - Paracetamol (about Rachel)

I have mixed feeling about this one, kinda talks about a guy and girl, the boy don’t wanna get to close to her, but he is love either way. And Paracetamol is a medication for pain, so we have that correlation.

"There's a boy fifteen with a gun in his hands. And the people with no audience say he should be hanged. And they ask him for his motive but they don't understand." "There's a girl fifteen with her head on a noose, because she's damned to live well she's damned to choose. And the animals walk in two's by two's." "There's a girl fifteen although she isn't sure, how the hell could you want anything more? Beautiful, perfect, immaculate whore. I'm in love, love with you." "You drive me insane, and the world will keep on turning, even if we're not the same. Don't come on to me, come on to me." "There's a boy fifteen turning into a man, well tell one other thing that he can. While you forced a smile through a jealous hand, showing love like you do." "There's a boy fifteen and he's attempted to sue. Because he is definitely sure it's true. What kind of men, kind of men are you?" "So tell me what's in your mind, and don't forget your Paracetamol smile."

Eden - Drugs (to Victoria)

This one feels like he is talking to someone who joins him in his party adventures, someone he cares about, wanna say something really important but can’t. So there is no one better than Victoria. Also the feeling to let the drugs make all the problems go away.

"I had too many flash fires, that i just let them burn. Till my cheast in on fire, and my head just won't die. I guess I'm lying cause I wanna, guess I'm lying cause I don't." "Cause I just feel so tired, like it's move or slowly die. You ain't you when you're like this. This ain't you and you know it, but ain't that just the point?" "But I'm still caught below, and I'll never let you know. No, I can't tell you nothing. 'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes, but still I can always be whatever you wanted but not what you needed, especially when you been needing me." "'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes, and I 'll say what I don't mean, just 'cause I wanted or maybe I need it." "All I needed were some words to say, that all this feelings don't mean shit to me. 'Cos it's all just chemicals anyway ... I can't love when I can't even love myself." "Things I would rather be thoughts at the back of my head, but I'm addicted to hurting."

And thats it for part 1B, i will try to bring part 2 pretty soon ^^ really hope you guys like it and share pls ;D

[paradox-oflife]

q and a part 6 pls ignore

1. Who was your favourite teacher at school and why? My 9th grade Lit teacher. She was the kindest soul I’ve ever met.

2. Whats your favourite party game? I LOVE MAFIA. I’m not talking about basic mafia. You gotta play upgraded versions. I personally love playing one called One Night Ultimate Werewolf. I also like playing the law version which is made for super big groups - There’s police involved, and they choose the mafia. The person accused can hire lawyers who defend them. The police have to present their reasoning, and the lawyers have to figure out how to prove them wrong. God it’s basically Danganronpa isn’t it.

3. Is it acceptable or unacceptable to smack a child as form of discipline? Now this is controversial, and understandably so.  I personally would never hit my child and yell at them. But for other people, if it’s a light smack, like a pat, I guess it’s alright. But otherwise nothing harder than that.

4. Can a hetrosexual male ever wear pink? Um, yes??? Do what you want man.

5. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals? Listen I’ve seen too many people wear these in public to the point where I’m numb to it.

6. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it? Make it an obscure video game reference or an inside joke. 

7. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be? Probably the medical side of things, like an EMT. Or a firefighter. EMT’s go through a lot of pressure.

8. If you were to join one of the armed forced which would it be? Maybe coast guard. But I really would not want to join the military. I’m too sensitive. If people yell at me I’d probably cry lol. And there’s the colorblind test.

9. Whats the worst thing about being your gender? Periods. And the pain of child birth. Also how it’s scary to walk alone at night sometimes.

10. Whats the best thing about being your gender? Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I feel like sometimes the friendships girls have are more emotional than boys.

11. If you swapped genders for a day how would you spend it? Honestly? Just observe my body. Not in a sexual manner but like, how does it feel like to not have boobs? How does it feel to have a dick???

12. If you were exiled what country would you choose as your new home? I’m moving back to New Zealand lol. I already have a passport and family there. Or maybe Canada if I don’t want a big culture difference

13. Have you ever made someone cry? Yeah :( Not through verbal attack though. I accidentally kicked a football into a girl’s face.

14. Have you ever starred in a school play? In the first elementary school I went to, it was mandatory to do a play. So yes. Three, actually.

15. Were you a member of any celebrity fanclub? Nope

16. Have you ever been a member of any other club? Yes! Animal Services and Protection, CSF (volunteering stuff), Martial Arts

17. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study? The university I’m going to rn

18. Whats been your greatest ever day? I have a lot. One of my favorites was going to an amusement park at the end of middle school. Had a blast.

19. What historical period would you like to live in if you could go back in time? Hmm... Maybe during the Age of Enlightment?

20. What would you bring along to an idillic picnic? My friends, no phones, music, and a sandwich.

21. Whats your favourite childrens story? Does Harry Potter count? I guess not really. When i was little I loved Geronimo Stilton LMAO

22. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it? The Mist. I mean, it frustrated me not because it was bad, but because it was so FRUSTRATING.

23. What three things do you think of most each day? Now we’re in quarantine, “I wonder how my friends are doing?” “What am I doing with my life?” “Will life be the same?”

24. What do you call your evening meal? Dinner Tea or Supper? Dinner

25. What do you call your after meal sweet? Pudding or Dessert? Dessert. I usually just have a fruit

26. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? “Warning! Certified Grade A Clown!”

27. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone? Can’t really think of one

28. Have you ever been to a live concert? aaaah no i really want to though

29. Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? It was a long time ago on a cruise. It was pretty funny :D

30. Have you ever needed stitches? Yup. If you observe closely, you can see a faint scar near my eye. If it was a bit more obvious I’d look like an anime villain lol

31. If you could invent brand new baby names what would they be? LMAO imagine naming your child like, Fire Emblem names. “Hi yes this is my baby, um, his name is Chrom”

32. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything? I have the most bizarre dreams. They’re super vivid. They range from me summoning tornados, to me being killed in some Danganronpa world. I dreamed of a school shooting once and a couple days later some other school in my state had a shooting

33. Who's your favourite radio 1 DJ? I don’t really listen to radio lol

34. Whats the best way to your heart? Be a good person. Have good morals.

35.  Do you know your own mobile phone number off by heart? Um yes??? 

36. If you were a fashion designer, what style of clothing or accessories would you design? Just comfortable hoodies that don’t change when you wash it.

37. Do you ever laugh at things you shouldn't? I laugh when I’m nervous. Like I go like, “hahahawhat the hell”. I also laugh when I’m shocked.

38. Have you ever been in a submarine? Yes! But it wasn’t underwater.

39. Have you ever walked out of a cinema before the film was done? Nope. 

40. What song would you say best sums you up? Eeeh i can’t decide but Read my Mind by the Killers. Their music video. When he’s twitching his arms, but he’s acting like everything’s fine.

41. Do you have any old friends would wish you could meet up with again? Yeah :( I had a super super close friend from 4th grade and we slowly drifted apart. By the time of high school we just stopped. I want to be friends with her again :((( I really miss her

42. Whats your favourite Nursery Rhyme? Idk... ring around a rosy maybe just because the context of the lyrics lol

43. Do you prefer metric or imperial measurements? Of course I’d take metric over imperial, but I’m used to it by now.

44. Who's your favourite monarch of all time?Queen Elizabeth I

45. What was the last thing you ate? These Asian things called Zong Zi in Chinese. I’m pretty sure like every country has their own version of it lol/

46. Whats your favourite farmyard animal? I love baby chickens but cows for me I guess

47. If you could choose one celebrity to be the father/mother of your child who would it be? Just someone who’s caring. Tyler Joseph

48. What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? If it’s someone I like, then I’d freak out. Because I’m way too young for it.

49. What are your 3 favourite internet sites? Reddit, youtube, and uh... tumblr or wikipedia. I use tumblr mobile way often

50. How high can you jump? Never measured but definitely not that high

51. Which fictional character do you wish was real? aw man i would say a character but then that would imply their universe exists

52. Who was your first crush? PHFFT IT WAS probably Marshall Lee from the genderbent episodes of Adventure Time.

53. Whats the greatest thing about being your nationality? The food

54. Whats the least greatest thing about being your nationality? Having to explain the difference between Taiwan and China. Like. It’s understandable.

55. Do you believe in destiny, fate or free will? I kinda correlate destiny with fate. It’s a bit paradoxical. We have free will to do whatever we want, but whatever choice you make will end up being your “destiny”

56. If you could talk to one species of animal which would it be? Dogs. They just seem so happy all the time. I want to tell my dog I love him so much.

57. If you had friends round what DVD's would you have to watch? Mean Girls, Heathers, Legally Blonde, or Daria

58. Do you like vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla>>> fight me

59. Are you a giver or a receiver? Both

60. Do you have any enemies? Yeah. Me.

61. Are you scared of needles? YES YES YES

62. How many piercings do you have? Nah I was going to get my ears pierced a while ago but something came up so ever since I’ve jsut haven’t gotten it done

63. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere? yes it was scary. Had to use google maps because I have a terrible sense of direction

64. How fast can you say the alphabet? 4 seconds

65. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z? Zee

66. What was the last thing to make you feel happy? My dog fell asleep at my feet and I couldn’t move for the past hour but I love him

67. What was the last thing to make you feel angry? A friend of mine. I love her and all but she takes a week to respond to my texts. And I’m tired of waiting.

68. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you're fired. Do you save the dog? Okay realistically I immediately call animal control or the nearest vet or something. But in some alternate universe I’d take pictures as proof, grab the dog, then get it out.

69. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself? I perceive myself as a not so great person. But my friends perceive me as a good person. So yeah. i mean, I might not text first sometimes but if smoeone texted me I’d always respond asap!

70. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just to scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about? Do my friends like me as much as I like them? I’m so scared of that

71. If you were a wrestler what would your stage name be? and what would your special move be called? Haha maybe like Paradoxical (yes thats my blizzard tag) I’d do something like a shihonage

72. Whats the most interesting thing you can see out of your nearest window? A cat

73. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls? There’s a lot of Barbie models out there. I don’t think they’re completely bad. But there’s negative things.

74. Have you ever needed an eye test? Don’t have glasses so no. But I might need some soon at the rate of time i spend on electronics

75. Do you find yourself attractive? No. I’m just. Average.

76. Can you roll your R's? Yes

77. What social class do you consider yourself or your family background to be in? Upper middle class

78. Do you know any magic tricks? I used to but I never execute them well enough to convince anyone lol

79. Whats the largest amount of money you've ever won? I ever won? Probably like, $100 lol

80. Whats the largest amount of money you've spent in one spree? $200, if we’re not talking necessities.

81. Whats the largest amount of money you've had to borrow off of a friend or family member? I don’t borrow money. But the most from a friend was like $20 maybe.

82. Have you ever been on a cable car? Yeah, San Francisco is known for that stuff. But I’ve only been on one like, twice.

83. Do you prefer Honey or Jam? Jam! But I like honey too.

84. Do you prefer the French or Germans? Uuuuh, French?

85. How fast can you get changed? Pretty damn fast, if we’re talking my normal outfit.

86. How fast do you type? Around 98 wpm

87. How fast can you run? I’m a decent sprinter. I got 12 seconds on a 100m dash.

88. Which is better, Mario or Sonic? Mario. But both are cool

89. Whats your favourite biscuit to dunk? (im assuming british biscuit but in that case idk)

90. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm? Arm. I like walking around.

91. Do you read a daily newspaper? Nah

92. Do you watch the news on TV? Sometimes

93. Have you ever had anything published? Nope

94. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really. I mean, Romeo and Juliet, and Frozen has warned us right

95. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Two.

96. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Yes, and it’s hella

97. Have you ever had chicken pox? Nope. Vaccines rock

98. Do you own a lava lamp? Nah, it seems cool but I’d be too mesmerized by it

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine. 

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine. 

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that. 

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that. 

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too. 

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

[beardedwinnerobject-blog]

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"nfu equine insurance quote

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Which insurance company offers the cheapest car insurance for new and young drivers?

Which insurance company offers the cheapest car insurance for new and young drivers?

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affordable health insurance in Houston

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nfu equine insurance quote

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I am retired federal employee & want info on car insurance rates?

I am retired federal employee & want info on car insurance rates?

Discount car insurance by putting another name on my insurance?

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Im 19 years old and looking for a cool car that wont cost too much for insurance, any suggestions?""

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Okay I have this crazy situation going on and Geico won't seem to answer their phones. I'm leaving to basic training VERY SOON and my car is going to be left at home. The problem is, is that my dad wants to drive it and I don't want to go through the hassle of going to the DMV, changing names, getting it registered, and getting insurance on it again. Is it possible to just put my father as a driver but still be on my insurance? If possible, how much more will they charge? Any suggestions before I leave? Car: Acura RSX (5-spd manual transmission) Year: 2003 Current payment: $682 per 6 months (liability) Fathers age: 65, clean driving record""

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Affordable health insurance?

I have no insurance, been unemployed over a year, no dependents, am not pregnant, and have no serious medical issues I'm aware of. If it matters, I'm not a US citizen, I'm a permanent resident alien. Which means I can work and pay taxes, but can't vote and don't get called for jury duty. I live in California. How do I find decent affordable health insurance? Are there any sliding scale clinics in San francisco for someone in my position? There seems to be options if one has kids, is pregnant, has a serious illness, or is a vet. I'm none of those. Also, I'm way past the time period to sign up for Cobra. Thanks in advance!""

""Found a Cheaper Car Insurance, What to do?""

Dear Mates, My car insurance is just started 5 days ago. I have paid them around 300 as deposit. I have found somewhere more cheaper then recent one. If I want to finish my policy with them, How much do they Refund me. Please help me if you knows. Thanks""

Medicinal marijuana and health insurance?

So I live in California and have entertained the idea of getting a medicinal marijuana card, but the thing that always holds me back in the end is the fear that somehow my name would go on some list that insurance companies would have access to, and then proceed to jack up my premiums due to me being flagged a smoker. Does anybody have any insight regarding this? For those of you that have medical cards... did you see an increase in your monthly bill from your health insurance after signing up for the card? I know about doctor/patient confidentiality, but still... legal marijuana is still too new, so I'm being overly cautious, ESPECIALLY when it comes to health insurance premiums. Thanks in advance. -C""

Help! driver's license and auto insurance?

so I just got my driver's license (im 18), but i don't have a car yet. im driving my mom's car, is that ok? do we need to call the insurance comany and tell them to add my name to our car insurance? do we need to pay extra money? thanx for ur time! p.s. we r in Maine""

If you receive SSI Disabilty can you stay on your spouse's health insurance?

If you are awarded disability do you have to get on Medicare/Medicaid or can you stay on your spouse's insurance through their employer? I am afraid of not being able to see my regular doctor if I have to get on Medicaid because so few doctors accept it. Anybody familiar with this?? Thanks in advance!

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need to find a cheaper auto & home insurance before july 09 State Farm is droping home ins.? can you please hellp me?

Car insurance expired?

my insurance expired today, do i have to declare my car is off road while im trying to sell it. is there a time limit""

Is car insurance cheaper for a 2008 Honda Accord then a 2005 Honda Pilot?

I'm considering trading my 2005 Honda pilot for a 2008 Honda Accord do you think my insurance would go up or down?

Whats a basic cheap Car Insurance for a 18 year old?

Hi I am 18 I live in New York and have had my lisense for about 6 months now and my insurance is pretty expensive like 1200 for HALF A YEAR which is crazy so I was wondering if anyone know of a cheap insurance company for basic insurance thats maybe 1200 for a whole year or cheaper. I also drive a 1994 Saab 900 S Hatchback 2 door

""What are some good, low cost family health insurance plans for...?""

My husband and I need health insurance. He is a full time student and I am full time worker. We cannot get decent health insurance through his school or my work. We are looking for a low deductable, 0% coinsurance, and we need something with great maternity coverage, since we're planning on starting a family soon. If you know of any great plans like this, please share! Thank you for your help!""

Average Car insurance in NY? I feel like I am being ripped off?

I understand age , tickets , and car type are all variables. I Have a 3 year old new car from 2010 *just a normal 4 door sedan* and the insurance seems VERY high... I am 22 years old and was curious to know what a good price is out there in the NY area""

Geico vs. Progressive?

I currently have Progressive and am very happy with their service and the rates had been pretty reasonable, however they went up considerably because my husband hit a deer. I was thinking about getting a quote from Geico to see if I could get a better rate. Anyone have experience with Geico? Are they as good as Progressive?""

nfu equine insurance quote

nfu equine insurance quote

Car Insurance company?

Hey I had this car accident. Therefore, I exchanged the whole information, including driver's license, plate number and everything. Even the guy's signature that he is responsible for this accident. Therefore, I called his insurance company representative last thursday, but the insurance guy was away, so he just received the voicemail. I called the representative again and he was still away from the desk. Would it possible this would take this long time? Thanks.""

Different Car insurance rates for different cars?

Alright, I'm 18 and a freshman in college this year, and I commute there 20 minutes everyday to save money (room & board is around 15k). And the car I have now is not really reliable anymore. Its a 94 Cutlass Cierra, and within the last month the Heating Core, and the Alternator have both went, and I've had to sink 600 dollars into it. I'm looking at getting a new car next summer, and I have basically narrowed it down to two choices. An Eclipse (Mitsu) or Cougar (Mercuy). I know its going to cost more to have a sports car, but what I want to know, is how much the different prices for insurance would differ for these two cars. I was going to do one online, but I saw it needed a VIN, and I don't have the car yet. I'm thinking about asking my car insurance company for quotes, but I doubt they would do it. Does anyone know the prices to insure these two cars for a 19 year old. Or a link or any information would be appreciated.""

What is the statue regarding insurance rating for minnesota?

the owner of the house i rented want to add a car to his insurance policy which he already had 2 cars. He lives upstairs, i rented downstairs. When he called american family insurance, the agent said he can't have that car under his name because the new car has to be rated under my name because i am younger. He said something about minnesota statue law required him to do that and won't rate under the owner. Can a person has more than one car insured and not have anything to do with the renter that live there. thanks.""

""Why can't we have Geiko,State Farm, or Progressive auto insurance in the state of Ma?.?""

I always see t.v. commercials for them but at the bottom of the screen it says not available in Ma. and a few other states that I can't remember. If I could save money buy switching to one of those companies I would but I can't , so I have to pick from Commerce or Metropolitan. My car insurance is really expensive (I pay over $300 a month) I have only had my license for a couple years so I under stand the whole new driver thing and my car was new when I bought it so I have full coverage but the car is only a Kia Rio, far from a sports car or luxury car. I pay more for my insurance than for the car payments.""

How much would my insurance most likely cost?

I am 16 years old, do not have a license yet, but I am trying to find a good insurance company first. I have had my learner's permit for 14 months, I live in North Carolina, and I get pretty good grades (As&Bs) I would be on an insurance plan with my mom and sister. My mom got a DWI back in July (No one was hurt, but she was originally pulled for reckless driving). My sister got a small speeding ticket a few months ago, but it was dismissed. I would be sharing a car with my mom to drive to school (she works at home). It's a 2004 Hyundai Sonata, and she owns the car. I would be driving every day (probably 3x a week) and no more than 15 miles to school and back. Please help! any any car insurance company recommendations would be great too!""

What is the best photographer's insurance in the USA ?

What is the most complete insurance for photographers? (experienced pros only please)? MUST INCLUDE: 1.Injury of photo assistant (eg hired help getting hurt on the job carrying something heavy) 2.Camera/equipment theft and damage I'm not sure if the stuff the PPA sells is really fully complete or just cheap insurance Category Arts & Humanities > Visual Arts > Photography

Business insurance?? plzz help?

what is the purpose of insurance for a business??? thankyou in advance

Is 2500 a reasonable car insurance premium for me to pay?

I'm 19, male; newly passed; buying a cheap car (with lower insurance group); what should be the approx. price I should be paying? Coz 2500 is as low as i can get in those comparison sites and that also after adding my mom (who has a provisional license) as the 2nd driver....is there any other combinations i can try? Also should I try Pass Plus, coz it didnt seem to make that much of a difference in the insurance quote! thanks a lot everyone for your time and effort!""

Car wreck insurance question ?

I was involved in an accident.The other driver was found to be at fault and cited a ticket.His insurance company has told me my car is totaled.The frame is not bent.I feel my car can be fixed.I received a letter from his insurance company stating that they will not pay for the towing bill and after the 23rd would not pay for the storage bill because my car is considered to be totaled.The accident or crash report just came out yesterday it pointed out all the facts about the accident .The other driver is at fault.I asked them today what they were going to do they said they are still investigating the accident and were not going to make any decisions.How can they send me a letter about towing and storage and not have given me any check for my vehicle or made an offer or anything and then tell me they are still investigating the crash.How should i approach this whole thing ?

Cheap Car Insurance For New Drivers In New York?

I live in New York, I'm a 18 year old male new driver. I drive a 1987 Buick Regal. Coupe. Olds 307 V8 5.0L. No ABS, no airbags. Has a factory alarm installed. Living in New York and being a new driver, I know insurance is going to be high. I go to college full time and work around 20+ hours a week, pay isn't great, so I need something affordable. I'm looking into taking the 6hr Defensive Driving class to save 10% off for 3 years. So does anyone know any legit car insurance companies that have cheap car insurance for new driver in NYS. Don't say CALL FOR QUOTES I have called many places and very high. I can't in anyway afford $3,500+ for 6 months of coverage. As far as I know the cheapest I found was Lighthouse Insurance for $328/mo with $600+ down, would like to find something cheaper, if possible, thanks!""

What is a cool car that is low on insurance?

Im a 16yr old male looking for a cool car that is low on car insurance

Bmw 1992 insurance cost?

what is the insurance cost for 1992 bmw 352i???

Does my 17 yr.old need car insurance to drive my car?

in connecticut

Is it misandric that young men have to pay more for car insurance?

I mean, its noted that young men tend to have more severe accidents, than women and older men - but isnt this just another case of generalising based on age and sex? A similar generalisation made about women, would have caused an uproar and certainly no policies would have been based on such generalisations about women - as it would face immediate protest, then why is it OK to generalise young men like this? Source : http://education.yahoo.net/auto-insurance/articles/why_do_men_pay_more_for_car_insurance.htm""

Bike Insurance?

I am looking to buy either a 250cc or 500cc Ninja bike. What are the insurance rate like for these bike compared to other bike and compared to cars?

Do i still have to pay my car insurance?

i just started driving and i had a small crash im 3rd party insurance i scrapped the car couldnt afford the insurance and mot ect ,i still have to pay insurance for the year so i mite as well have kept the car is there anyway i can cancel as im in financial hardship""

""Non owner SR22 insurance, a cheap website?""

Non owner SR22 insurance, a cheap website?""

What car insurance companies do you recommend?

My vehicle was vandalized two weeks ago. I was not satisfied with the way my insurance company handled my case. I'm thinking about switching to another insurance company, any recomendations?""

""Does car insurance cover just the car, or the driver?""

May be a silly question, but everyone I ask seems to not know the answer! I may phone the insurance place about it later, but want to see what you guys say. I'm 26, going for my G soon, in Ontario Canada. I have car insurance on a car I share with my parents. Does this insurance cover just THAT car? If I want to drive my boyfriends car do I need to have insurance for his car? OR, does the insurance cover the DRIVER and they can drive whatever car they want without telling the company what vehicles they're driving as long as they have insurance?? Any information you can give me? Thanks.""

How can I get the lowest car insurance payment?

I am 25. I want to buy a cheap car with one way insurance. thanks a lot

Young Drivers Insurance question?

I'm 18 years old and passed my driving test on the 30th September 2010. I don't have a car because I cant afford the insurance. I'm working full time. I found a nice little car, a 2001 RENAULT CLIO, 1.2 16V 3dr Hatchback. I used a price comparison site to get a basic idea of what the insurance would be on it - and using my real own details and it was 5993. So I messed around a bit and added my mum as a second/extra driver. The price crashed down to 3,153. The option to add another driver was still there so I added my dad too and the price is now 2,617 - much more in my price range. I called them in and was like look at this and what do you think and they both agreed that there was something wrong with it and there would be a catch somewhere but I disagree. They said it would affect their own no claims however when added a extra driver no information about an extra driver is there. Are they right that there would be a catch? And can someone give me some more information about this please! Thanks!""

Please Help...Will i be able to get any health insurance?

Im a 21 yr old female, who benefits from deferred action. im currently working two jobs and going to community college. money is TIGHT. i know being protected under deferred action will not provide me any health insurance help but can i still be able to get ANY help? im a type 1 diabetic as well and the cost of insulin and doctor visits skyrockets every single time. i live with my parents but i dont receive money from them. i guess long story short. can i get any type of health insurance? if i dont die from diabetes ill die from the cost of it hahaha. i live in Southern California if thats any help. thanks in advance :)""

What are your insurance premiums monthly?

I am currently paying $54 a paycheck to cover my husband and myself. It would cost me $18 for myself only and $102 for family. We do not have any deductibles, only copays. Emergency room $125, urgent care $40, specialist $30, ob $15, and pcp $15. I have an epo from United. I am curious to know what other people are paying for health insurance.""

Wht is d difference between 1 st party insurance and 3 rd party insurance?

i have a honda deo 2004 model which insurance should i go for ...why and how much should it cost?

Insurance price on 2001 Eclipse?

Im a 17 year old driver, so instantly high lol, but its an automatic 2 door eclipse but only 4 cylinder and automatic transmission. What would you think the insurance be and how would that compare to lets say... a honda civic""

nfu equine insurance quote

nfu equine insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/car-insurance-policy-taken-example-mumbai-what-meant-area-nichols/"

[stuckonreblogs]

directly copied to reply to- original post here: http://paula-deens-fuckboy.tumblr.com/post/156424800265/ok-but-how-are-you-going-to-go-around-saying-that ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Source: paula-deens-fuckboy Every decent human being in our race is against pedophilia, there’s no ‘high horse’ or entitlement here, it’s a basic moral line that most of our society possesses. The fact that you and your little pedo-patrol defense system don’t understand that doesn’t make the rest of society stuck up, it makes you all lower than the rest of us morally and intellectually. You’re the odd ones out, and you really don’t seem to understand that judging by how you think me shutting down pedophile culture is some statement of self supremacy. I have no RIGHT to criticize pedophilia culture? Actually, shockingly I know, I do. Everyone has the right of criticism, everyone has the right of reviewing product that is being sold, and most importantly- it isn’t just a right, EVERY adult is RESPONSIBLE for shutting down pedophilia culture in other adults. Not only do I have a legal right to criticize your useless friend but I have a damn good reason to do it. The fact that you think random magic AU’s or whatever are comparable to pedophile culture is another indication that you have absolutely no solid grasp of reality and common sense, as if we needed another. I don’t even know how to address your personal opinion, because you’re.. You’re too self-righteous and morally bankrupt to even argue with. This ‘youre bitter because “Sig” wouldn’t draw you art’ idea is so akin to that junior high ‘You’re just jealous’ argument, both are inaccurate silencing techniques. You’re all so damn entitled and pretentious that you dare think that nobody would speak out against “sig” if it weren’t for jealousy, that is batshit fucked up, this level of narcissism is so high for an average-to-mediocre tumblr artist who doesn’t draw anything interesting. To be honest, I didn’t know who “Sig” was until yesterday, when someone on my dash spontaneously reblogged their pedo shit, so this notion that I’ve got ulterior motives (because how could someone JUST be against pedophilia? That’s so whack) is absolutely narcissistic bullshit that you’re all using in an unsuccessful attempt to discredit my person. But it greatly interests me that you see “sig’s” client base/people who wish to purchase their porn, as inherently small minded and dense, and incapable of average debate. But hey, it’s easier to think someone is ‘just bitter’ than to admit and evaluate that you’re standing up for a pedophilic dipshit who isn’t a special enough artist to deserve this amount of your effort, right? Don’t project, it doesn’t hold up in debate. Not that Anyone Asked for your personal opinion, which is uneducated and unimportant anyways, but absolutely everything to do with it is evidence that you don’t have a single clue what you’re arguing against, your response is literally nothing, none of it makes sense. 1) You use the word hypocritical when it’s not applicable, 2) you pull a junior high argument which you have no evidence or back up for, 3) you try to bring my URL into it when it’s very obviously a blatant joke and isn’t applicable to the argument at hand. (But who could ever know that? How were you to know that someone isn’t actually identifying as a ‘fuckboy’ for a senior citizen from Texas? It’s too believable) 4) There’s nothing redeemable to read, to make those other 3 mistakes look less silly. You haven’t said a single thing that has lead me to believe that you have a merit-able argument to offer me, you haven’t made a single bound in convincing me that your side of the argument makes a lick of sense. All you can do is spout insults without fact because you don’t have any fact that you can actually back up. You have no sense of grammar, no sense of structure, you can’t make a point that could stand in any reasonable debate, and then you have the audacity to tell me I have a small mind. Now that, and please take this in as it is an important lesson for you to learn, that is hypocrisy. Do you understand what hypocrisy means now? Probably not but I digress. Absolutely everything you have said to me is hypothetical trash, you are a laughing stock, you’re an embarrassment to yourself and your friend and you’re making you both look like bigger jokes than ever, maybe you should hand the reigns over to someone with an IQ higher than that of a fetus. From.. Well, everything about you, I’m expecting your next reply to be something nonsensical… again. I know that you don’t have an argument beyond blabbering and whining and cheap cop-outs, or you would have included it in your first reply. I don’t argue with people who don’t have the basic skill to debate, I’m not willing to go in circles with someone who has absolutely nothing valuable to say, so don’t bother replying because I’m blocking you, as well. Maybe next time “Sig” will send someone who isn’t a complete embarrassment. Boy bye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, prefacing this with the understanding that some people are offended even by fictional/potential pedophilia, and I am not at all addressing everyone's beliefs here- my response to that is click unfollow, blacklist, and know it doesn't offend everyone. These comments are ment solely for this individual since they think a half ass rant at their callousness is the best I can do. As for your bloated ego, let me address the over stated drivel of your reply point by point since apparently the snap response of a pissed off rant struck enough of a nerve that you had to attempt to justify your forcing idiocy on other people. "every decent human being" clearly "decent" and "capable of separating fiction" are not on the same level in your brain here. an *intelligent* human being would be capable of understanding that this character was a work of fiction to begin with and therefore any depiction of them in any other age rage/gender/otherwise alternative form is as valid as the original. If we were discussing a *REAL* personage, your "decent" descriptor might have merit, but as we are not, its an invalid outlook. As that is the case, my original comment of "high horse" is indeed correct. Your attempts at forcing one "valid" view of a fictional peice of work are nothing short of you assuming your view is the only one that has the right to exist and that fiction has no right to do anything except mirror reality. You're not an activist shutting down pedo-culture, you're hiding in the kiddy sandbox of tumblr cutting people you think are safe because they aren't part of the real problem; you twist fiction into unacceptablity because you think you can hide your own emotional and intellectual failings behind big SJW wanna be movements. You have every right to criticize, but criticism and destructive behavior are two totally separate entities. You have a right to criticize ACTUAL pedo-culture, not what you as a individual take offense to and try to smother in a disagreeable outlook for your own justification at destruction. If your the buyer, you have a right to critique, you weren't buying it, so keep your nosy overbearing self the fuck out of it. Adults have a responsibility to protect children, not slink around and project their own destructive judgments on what they find offensive. Your only "legal" right here is to your freedom of speech, you have no legal bearing to decide what is moral or valid on a piece of art that is based on FICTION. If the art was titled after a real kid, and the image was clearly a sexual representative of wanting to have sex with a kid and with the disclaimer "oh they are 18 so its fine" slapped on, you'd have moral ground. It's not, you don't, so how about you reevaluate your grasp on reality vs fiction before you even try to find the gaps in mine. (also just a side note, fuck you for your pathetic attempt at demoralizing a wonderful person by calling them useless just because you take offense at me, come at me of you think that kind of behavior is warrented.) You have no place to address my personal opinion actually, thats the point. It's my opinion. You can dislike it, you can say I'm wrong, but its my right to say it and yours to disagree. I'm hardly self righteous, I'm a bitch and I know it. But you obviously think opposite of what you say if you think I can't be argued with and then go on for 5 more paragraphs. It's definitely junior high, l'll give you that, but considering your the one going "I don't like it so it shouldn't exist wah wah" I feel we have a shared stage there. And it was hardly meant to silence, it was meant to point out that your attacking a very talented person on the basis of "your likes" and the fact that "your an artist too" so there is some comparison of purpose there, sorry you didn't appreciate that. Who is this "all"? this is just me. So clearly I'm not the only who is getting the jealously vibe from your so called "arguments". And you continue to encourage this when you attack someone's skill set and choice of project in direct response to critism of your own failings and jackass opinionated ranting. Whether or not you knew who they were, I'd believe your actually against pedophilia, reasonable and moral people tend to be. You don't really fit either category to a T, but I'll take your candor in trying as a pass there. I, however, never implied their clientele was anything. I said the clients they REJECTED were small minded and dense, specifically YOU are small minded and dense. Other rejections seem to have taken it well enough that I would have to apologize for the vagueness of that statement. Oh, I am certainly not one for taking the easy road, I didn't choose to point out the other failings and things as I am doing now because it wasn't worth the effort. I am standing up against you specifically being destructive to one of the artists who make sure their art and adult content is not easily accessible to minors. And if you continue to make slandering remarks against them, I will point out that your making my point in that your jealous. *I* am the one here calling your bullshit, they have done nothing but create and image you have an issue with. Instead of coming for me, you have to keep tossing in that "they" are useless, "they" are a dipshit, "they" aren't special. Fuck you. You have nothing but disreputable and disgusting things to say, your opinion screams of jealousy. So either you can debate on provable points that tie to your opinion, and keep the badmouthing to myself since I am the one arguing here, or you can keep screaming jealous crybaby and whine more when I continue to call you out on it. No one asked, but it's my response so I can say what I like. Unlike you, I specifically noted it as a personal opinion with no reasonable baring on the argument. Your assumptions are scattered throughout your writing as if they are fact. Camouflage away, I ain't afraid to take responsibility for what I think, don't need to hide it in bullshit. 1) hypocritical, behaving in a way that suggests one has higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case.- your claims that you have a moral standing of making art without pedophilia makes you better then an artist doing the same thing. Hmm. seems applicable. 2)junior high argument, clearly labeled as personal opinion therefore evidence not required, as just stated. 3) also labeled personal opinion, but its okay to be gross when its a joke in your opinion. Noted and disagreed with. It's juvenile and disgusting so fuck off with trying to justify it. 4) how is this a point of fact? again, separate opinion. I don't have to convince you of jack shit. I made that rant because I was expressing that you have gods awful intention as far as I was concerned and exercising my right to free speech. It was a rant and the fact you responded so aggressively means I hit a nerve, so *now* I am making legitimate claims and points. The fact that you'd choose to believe that was anything more then a venting of disgust with your behavior and assuming that it was all I was capable of is your own failing. These last few paragraphs are repetitive aggressions meant to extend your reply and make it look intelligent. Your making no points except to attack my person, again presented as fact. But to address the one valid comment- no one "sent" me, fucker. I typed this because anon is ridiculous and you can fucking come at me all you like cause I don't give a fuck. You, and anyone who thinks its right to attack over fiction, are WRONG. You are wrong to attack them, you are wrong to be destructive to a fictional community, and you are a jealous piece of shit that needs to stop trying to tear other people down because you can't get the same recognition without being a jackass.