#and the girl who i thought was SO emotionally eloquent and smart and people-smart and kind and wonderful asked if i ever thought

[hwnglx]

this was a complex and long one. the more i read on wonyoung, the more in awe i get of her. like wow we all need to learn a thing or two from this girl. she's a queen.

wonyoung's real personality behind the scenes

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

shuffled song: 28 reasons by seulgi

+ so unsurprisingly, this girl is a professional through and through. very common pattern for people who entered the industry at an early age. hard work in the entertainment business comes to them astoundingly easy. (something i saw for ni-ki previously)

she's just as polished and sophisticated off cam, as she is on cam. very focused on maintaining a clean image even behind the scenes, she's aware that's what can make or break a public figure. quite a few idols put on an angel act when cameras are on them, but allow themselves to be reckless beyond closed doors. wonyoung knows people talk, there's this sense of a continuously cautious “trust nobody” in her. this is something that sets her apart from many others. wonyoung is very aware that things will get out eventually, so she's incredibly eager to withhold a flawless reputation even behind the scenes. she's also extremely protective of what is hers, whether that's her material possessions (money, expensive or cherished items), the image she's worked hard on maintaining, her loved ones and cherished relationships. wonyoung puts a lot of value into keeping them in check, making sure they're taken care of.

i looked up her mars sign and immediately went “aaah” as soon as i saw it's in virgo, because she seems to be outstanding at planning. wonyoung is very calculated, everything she does she's fully aware of. she always acts while exactly knowing the effects it has on, not only herself, but the people around her. this is also a quality she doesn't only use for her own good, but many people around her seem to appreciate. since she's incredibly intuitive, she can combine those two qualities, which makes for a person who's great at identifying and reading situations, and wisely acting according to this profuse intuition. for example, if someone she's close to is telling her about their struggles, she not only is great at making them feel cared about and listened to, offering them emotional understanding and support, but also excellent at grasping the problem and conflict, and providing the person with helpful solutions on how to act. random thought, but i could see her being a pretty good psychologist, or lawyer. (did she ever talk about wanting to work in medicine or law if she wasn't an idol?)

wonyoung is very smart. not only emotionally intelligent, but also very eloquent. great at speaking and finding the right words at the right time. there's also a lot of drive in this girl, like so much. she has a very determined attitude, which can be contagious to the people around her. amazing at pulling people out of situations that seem hopeless, and giving them courage to move forward. a very good team player, she's capable of adjusting to her co-workers and compromising, finding a middle-ground for the sake of the team. i can see many people truly enjoying to work with her, because she doesn't only have such a profound understanding of what she's doing, but is also considerate of the people around her.

lastly, this girl literally pulls the strings, has most people at the palm of her hands with ease. especially in a romantic manner, if any men mess with wonyoung.. make no mistake, she will not be played by them but instead play them swiftly, probably without them even noticing until later. the type to smile at you and hug you while stabbing an injection with your own poison in your back, knowing you did this to yourself. type to beat you at your own game while smiling politely.

she will not allow anyone to trick her, make a fool out of her. she reads and understands behaviorial patterns very well, so it just isn't easy to mislead her. however! best believe she only does this to people who do her wrong first. people who deserve it. it's giving “i'm sweet and respectful to everyone but, you better know not to mess with me, because that's when you'll get to see a different side to me” as i mentioned, i can see her being pretty cut-throat when it comes to men. especially in the industry. many weird ass men in there, wonyoung does not allow them to put themselves above her, just because of their bizarre gender superiority complex. (i remember this spiting some male idols in my reputation reading lmao well..) there's this thing of her always remaining crazy polite though, and doing just enough for payback. in this smart manner in which she can't be blamed or faulted for it.

- i hate to say this, but wonyoung can have her entitled princess tendencies. it's kinda giving spoiled rich girl who not only expects the best treatment, but is also so selective over who she calls her friends, depending on their status. not sure if she grew up in a rich household, but this seems like something that comes very naturally to her. she's very very meticulous, very very picky and perfectionistic. even if she doesn't always express it in a mean or aggressive way, it can just rub people the wrong way since it can give off pick me energy. i can see her being all “hmmm no” about some potentially beneficial things in her career like jobs or opportunities, just because she can feel superior to them. like she's above them. very much boss energy and it again, is incredibly smart in several ways, but sometimes it can be off putting, she isn't always right in her judgement without fail.

she's so invested in closely managing people's image of her, that she can quickly drive herself crazy over trivial details. there seems to be a lot of fear when it comes to letting go of this obsession and control over her reputation, as well as making herself vulnerable. wonyoung seems to have a lot of trust issues. this comes up everytime i read for her.. there's this constant feeling like everyone is out to get her somehow. i think she's seen a lot of shit happen in the industry, people in the business can be cruel and cold. just like the public, they can often look at and treat idols as these emotionless dolls. due to this, wonyoung can easily get mistrustful of people with pure and good intentions. she protects her heart in a very fierce manner. (this could for sure go up to the green flags but her immense trust issues seem to potentially stand in the way of her forming genuine and healthy connections too)

she's so scared of appearing easy to attack, easy to hurt or easy to access and weak. she hates crying in front of people, and always puts on a perfect mask she hides all her inner struggles behind. she's scared of baring her true soul to people because she doesn't like the thought of them seeing her as a flawed person. wonyoung sets herself up to skyhigh standards, because she believes she's lacking and unworthy of praise if she doesn't meet those expectations. she feels like she needs to be perfect for people to like her, which is sad and ironic, because.. they literally go on hating on her for appearing so perfect. people need to calm the hell down, shut the hell up and realize their words are making her put on even more of an act, hide herself even further, since she's actually so easily hurt. her heart is much softer than people realize, and much softer than she herself would like it to be.

[bataranqs]

5 Happy Things

09/12/2022

1. Slushies

2. Flavoured drinks in general

3. Kissing people on the cheek and on the forehead and on the back of their hands and just the physical act that means I love you clear as day

4. Toes

5. Human beings loving each other and wanting to be with each other

[shypotato-translations]

QTVW Chapter 21

Showbiz* Sexy Queen (VIII)

----

After this incident, Bai Jieying's gaze on Mei Mu Lan took on a vague disdain and condescending arrogance, and she was smart enough not to confront the crew with this attitude, but to specifically target Mei Mu Lan.

And after recalling the memories of the original owner, Mei Mu Lan found that this kind of contentious situation was actually the form of daily life between the original owner and Bai Jieying. After analyzing the Bai Jieying in her memories and the eyes of Bai Jieying now, she compared them and came to the conclusion that the eyes and expressions of Bai Jieying's original owner and the Bai Jieying after crossing over were exactly the same when she looked at Mei Mu Lan.

In this way, it seems likely that the traveler in front of her has obtained all the memories of the original Bai Jieying. Now, Mei Mu Lan and her situation are completely similar, both have lived in real life and both know the plot, and most importantly, they both have memories of the original owner who crossed over.

And the only difference is that the informed part of the plot is different.

Mei Mu Lan is right here in the plot, in a dominant position, but in other areas, the two are actually evenly matched.

Thinking of this, Mei Mu Lan would glare back with the same glare when she encountered Bai Jieying glaring at her again, and this behaviour of hers completely reassured Bai Jieying, dispelling the idea that this Mei Mu Lan in front of her was also a traveler.

And when Bai Jieying went to the director's side for her second audition, Mei Mu Lan secretly made a plan in her mind: next she had to spend a long time to observe this traveler's behavior, and the current image of Bai Jieying in the cast was all finely crafted and acted out, not real.

Then in order to see what she was really like, she had to get into Bai Jieying's daily life in order to do so.

When Mei Mu Lan thought of this, she decided to move out of Aunt Wen's house and go back to the Mei family for a while to see how she acted in her daily life and how she behaved in private, and once she was familiar with Bai Jieying's style and behaviour, she could plan for her subsequent task of "solving the travelers".

So, Mei Mu Lan waited until the day's filming was finished, then she immediately said goodbye to Ling Yi Yao and ''made out'', then drove back to Aunt Wen's villa. By the time she got home, Aunt Wen was not at home because she had a design job and had gone abroad to get some experience, so after thinking about it, Mei Mu Lan left a note which said,

“Aunt Wen, I've been out for so many years and I understand somewhat what my father did, so I'm going to move back in with the Mei family for a while and thank you for taking care of me, all these years!”

After writing it, she read it out a few times and found it to be quite fluent, so she left the note on the dining room table, turned to her room, packed her few bags and left the Wen family home.

Mei Mu Lan followed the route she remembered and drove back to the Mei family mansion in the wealthy residential area of the Second Ring Road.

Because the Mei family is a family of scholars that has been passed down for hundreds of years, the Mei family's mansion, which maintains the style of hundreds of years ago, is the modern well-known courtyard, in the modern world, such a set of courtyard, in the outside world can be sold for hundreds of millions of dollars, but this is really nothing for the Mei family.

The Mei family's family ethos pushes the boundaries of money and dirt, and the Mei family's family wealth ranks among the best in the world.

Mei Mu Lan drove back outside the Mei family home, she walked inside the old mansion and as far as the eye could see there were flower pots, water tanks, recliners…… and other furniture, all of which are relics of hundreds of years old, is an expression of the cultural heritage of the Mei family.

Mei Mu Lan casually swept a glance, and then saw that a middle-aged man wearing a Republican tunic greeted her, with a warm and kind smile on his face, the whole person gave people a feeling of a gentleman as gentle as jade.

He took the luggage from Mei Mu Lan and handed it to the maid who was waiting with his head down, then called out affectionately,

“Missy, you're back at last.”

Mei Mu Lan knew from memory that this man was the butler of the Mei family, the child of a friend of Grandpa Tai, and had been given the surname Mei after being brought back to the Mei family by Grandpa Tai when he was three years old.

He grew up in the house of Mei and was always brought up by the great lord of the Mei family. Although he was called a butler, his status was not that of a servant, but that of one of the rulers of the Mei family, managing the internal affairs of the house as well as some of the external affairs, a man of great means, loyal and intelligent.

He has a high status in the Mei family and most of the Mei family are close to him. Even Mei Mu Lan's father, who was the current head of the Mei family, would adopt a slightly friendly attitude when facing him.

When Mei Mu Lan thought of this, she lowered her eyebrows and smiled slightly poutingly,

“Butler Mei, it's been a long time, you're still as handsome as ever.”

The smile on Butler Mei's face deepened a little as he said,

“Miss, I am relieved to see you in such good spirits. No matter what happens at the Master's place, you will always be the Mei family's Miss in my heart, and as for that one and her daughter, you need not bother at all.”

Mei Mu Lan heard his concern for herself in his words, and she was moved to say,

“Thank you butler, I understand, I just want to go home for a while, no matter what, I am my father's own daughter, before I did not know what to do, and made my father and butler worry about me.”

With a relieved smile, Butler Mei said,

“It's good that you've figured it out. There's nothing in life that you can't get through. All external things are false, only blood is real. Now, I have ordered your room to be taken care of, you are tired today, go and rest, I will order someone to call you at dinner time.”

“Thank you, butler. I'll go to my room.”

After bidding farewell to the butler, Mei Mu Lan went back to the original owner's room.

When she opened the door, she saw a literary and elegant room, which was decorated with a combination of Chinese and foreign elements, which matched her imagination of a woman's bedroom from a scholarly family, whereas the original owner's room at Aunt Wen's house was filled with Ling Yi Yao's photos and dolls, which made Mei Mu Lan's heart feel creepy, but for the sake of the mission, she had to maintain this style, which was really depressing.

And this time, finally, she could stay in a normal room, whatever the purpose of going home this time, at least she slept much better and was sure that she could sleep well for the next while.

When she thinks of the original owner, she can't help but think of Ling Yi Yao. She is now numb to her "obsessed" state and as soon as she sees Ling Yi Yao, her whole being will automatically switch to another channel.

Fortunately, the villain this time, Ling Yi Yao, although ruthless and with blood on her hands, is a very nice person to be around when she is in normal society.

In the face of her own obsessions in and out of the film, she has not even expressed her displeasure verbally, which makes Mei Mu Lan often exclaim that the villain is really well brought up. If it were up to me, I would have taken such a character to the ends of the earth.

And Ling Yi Yao now, apart from a vague, emotionally unstable expression on her face as soon as she saw her, there was nothing else on her face, which reassured Mei Mu Lan and made her even more aggressive at the same time.

I feel like I've suddenly gone feckless, and it's definitely the fault of the cannon fodder girl!

When Bai Jieying returned to the house in the evening at the time the Mei family had set for dinner, she saw Mei Mu Lan sitting on the sofa, sipping tea in a dignified manner, and then gave her usual snide remarks, it was only when her mother made a glib remark to stop her that she skipped away and walked over to her mother and sat down affectionately.

Mei Mu Lan watched coldly, this Bai Jieying was gentle and kind on the set, pouting and half-angry at home, and in front of her stepmother, she was like a real child, chattering about what had happened on the set today.

Her mother learned from her that she and Mei Mu Lan were filming in the same production, so she glanced at Mei Mu Lan from top to bottom.

In a lighter tone, she said,

“Mu Lan, you are from a scholarly family, the family style of your Mei family is to despise the lowest class such as opera singers, if your father finds out about your acting, he will definitely be angry, so think again, change your job, I remember that you sang Peking Opera very well before, you can continue to go into that profession, it is after all something your mother taught you, it is always bad to leave it behind.”

Mui Mu Lan, with her long, narrow eyes, said with the aura of a Peking opera, singing and chanting in a long, short voice,

“You know, I don't know what this lady is to me. What does the affairs of our Mei family have to do with you, a second-married woman? You claim to be a member of the Mei family, but in the olden days, you would not have been worthy to carry the shoes of a Mei family servant.

You think that just because you have my father's help, you can really do whatever you want. The Mei family has been passed down for a hundred years, and although my father is the patriarch, he has less resources at his disposal. And who are you to talk to me like that? I have a good temper, otherwise I would have asked someone to slap your mouth!”

Her stepmother's brain ached with anger at her sharp, eloquent tongue, and she trembled, raising her hand and pointing, unable to say a word.

And Bai Jieying, at this moment, had a weird smile on her face, looking straight at Mei Mu Lan without saying a word.

Mei Mu Lan put down her cup of tea in bemusement, then said to Mei's butler who was beside her, watching the show as an invisible person,

“I'm also the recognized next head of the Mei family, so if I don't show them what I'm made of, they'll think I'm a paperweight.”

With that, she stood up, glanced scornfully at the two women with different faces, tilted her head proudly, and turned to leave.

In the days that followed, Mei Mu Lan went to the film set during the day and flirted with Ling Yi Yao; at night, she returned to the Mei family to anger her stepmother, and lived a very happy life.

Although she and Bai Jieying live under the same roof and work on the same set, they are never together, always staggering their time and appearing one after the other in full view of others. This also made the crew aware of the fact that the two sisters were not on good terms.

Even so, Mei Mu Lan's concern for Bai Jieying did not diminish by half.

She was following the movements of Bai Jieying every moment, and she found that Bai Jieying was now a queen of all changes, her acting skills were perfect, in life, in acting, in and out of film, and she was showing her superb acting skills all the time.

While watching Bai Jieying act, Mei Mu Lan secretly instructed the detective to continue filming and tracking Bai Jieying's whereabouts.

She put it all together and waited for the day when it would come in handy.

Three months later, the crew of 《The Burial Man》had completed all the indoor filming and it was time to shoot outdoors.

After much deliberation, the director decided to head immediately to the Kunlun Mountains for a real outdoor shooting.

[2ndblogg]

Hey! Just read your hot take on novel!wangxian and I absolutely agree. I'm gonna have to say here that I believe it boils down to the fetishization of homosexual men in a lot of the fandom culture that surrounds mlm shipping, as you said it's a space for a lot of women to experiment with their desires and whatnot, but I think therein lies the breaking points between reading novel!wangxian as a good, healthy relationship vs. reading it as a very flawed and toxic one. As an LGBT person, reading the way the author dealt with their relationship made me extremely uncomfortable, it just really feels like something that is written by someone who is more invested in using her queer characters for satisfying her and her reader's own pleasure than a well-built, strong relationship between two characters. Not to take away from the novel in some other aspects, I believe that novel!wwx is a much better, much more nuanced character than what he is in cql, but when it comes to wangxian, I think the intentions are very different for each of them. To each their own, I guess, but I do find it very troubling that some people in the fandom have a really hard time admitting that novel wangxian is not even remotely healthy.

Absolutely.

And can I just say how glad it makes me to see that not everyone is praising this book for it’s lgbt representation...

But I guess that’s also why I just occasionally feel the need to scream my frustrations into the void or try to make sense of the novel.

And why I try to be understanding and accepting of people’s opinion of the novel and not take it ‘personally’ (in the sense of sitting there thinking “holy shit this is how they view ME, this is what they think of ME” etc).

I was in fandoms back when they were really a place dominated by straight (homophobic) women and realism or lgbt representation wasn’t on anyone’s mind (and the occasional dude butting in to say that’s not how sex works or bottoming is experienced was ignored or told to get out). I experienced this change to fandoms being more of a lgbt space, of people becoming aware that media can shape your views of groups of people, of people becoming aware of their fetishizing of fictional gays vs. their prejudice against real life lgbt people etc.

And tbh MXTX just writes like one of those, she writes wangxian like everyone wrote their gay relationships around 2005 and earlier; clear power imbalance, clear roles and attributes that are divided into ‘manly’ and ‘feminine’, certain physical attributes (like the female self insert character aka the bottom being pretty and slight and weaker and shorter), men/the penetrating partner can’t really be raped so anything the woman/bottom tries isn’t really ‘bad’, the male love interest is forceful and self centered but ONLY because he’s so in love and since he’s emotionally stunted he has to express that through sex, men/tops NEED sex and it’s rude/mean to deny them that, the girl/bottom isn’t THAT horny or in charge of their own sexuality but wants to please their partner and what they really get out of it is the emotional aspect, decisions need to be made for them because the dude/top just knows better, the girl/bottom is childish and flirty and the guy/top suffers through it until he finally snaps and shows the girl/bottom who'sboss etc etc. (honestly homophobia and misogyny is so tightly knit in this kind of fiction, if it wasn’t so frustrating it would be very interesting).

Tbh I disagree with novel!wwx being more nuanced (despite a lot of ppl whose opinions I really respect also feeling this way), because I simply cannot seperate him from the wangxian relationship. All I see are tropes and stereotypes applied to make him ‘work’ in the context of the wangxian relationship instead of an actual personality...

To me, in CQL WWX is clearly the main character and you love his interactions with LWJ and want more of them and value them, wheras in the novel most of the time WWX plays second fiddle even when a scene should technically be about him and LWJ’s presence is incredibly suffocating, because he’s always being controlling or at the very least influencing WWX.

I also don’t feel like WWX has much of a character arc/growth. We’re essentially told he had one but the only thing that really actually changes is him hating himself a bit more and letting LWJ smash..., and I guess: he’s less independent than ever, he’s more isolated that ever...

I’ve called novel!wangxian a relationship between an abuser and his victim, because you can find evidence of that in the text. Not because I think the author wanted to portray an unhealthy gay relationship. Like you said, she was fetishizing and wrote for a similar crowd. But to me that ‘realization’ helped...I still don’t see how people can call it a masterpiece but I can at least understand hyping something you like up...

And like, badly written gay relationship or not; gay/straight,man/women, I see how people can find it hot. Exploring your sexuality through fictional characters isn’t necessarily a strictly straight girl phenomena. I probably have read fic that was exactly like this, I can’t judge anyone for it. But no one prints out the last PWP they read and goes, “this is ideal lgbt representation and nothing will ever be this good, the fact that it includes rape makes it so realistic” like????

(Is that part or an effect of the woke and purety culture? you can’t say ‘i like this book but it has flaws’ or ‘i’ve enjoyed this but it’s not up the feminism or lgbt acceptance that i preach/live’ so you have to pretend it’s flawless?)

And like, I do think novel!wangxian is a nightmare when it comes to lgbt representation and I do believe this is largely due to a cishet woman writing about gay men and fetishizing them (the fact that a lot of peoples arguments why novel!wangxian ‘is better’ boils down to ‘there’s kissing and sex’ is also pretty telling). And I am frightend and worried by some peoples response to it.

But is it really fair to see it as just that? It’s a problem sure, but that same thing happens in straight media (which I am admittedly not well versed in). Stephanie Meyer didn’t set out to write Edward Cullen to be a creep and non of the teenage girls that went crazy over him viewed it as such...Reylo fans (aside from some of them proclaiming Finn to be the real villain and saying it’s racist and misogynistic to not find Kylo Ren hot) found a way to view him threatening her as romantic and sexy, Loki fans that didn’t ship him with Thor usually fell into the camp of “he would be a perfect boyfriend” or “what if this OFC was his slave and he raped her everyday <3″... like ignoring/glorifying/romanticizing behaviours or exploring what kinks you might have through the safety of fictional characters and fictional settings isn’t JUST happening when it comes to ‘the gays’...

And not just specifically in fandom spaces either, a lot of ‘romantic’ movies include inappropriate touching, the boy/guy knowing better than the girl what she wants etc. And I absolutely do believe that that’s something that normalized these things for a lot of young girls and guys (I don’t want to get into this too much, I’ve really seen a change in the past few years, but before that it was pretty common for young boys to believe they need to keep pursuing and pressuring a girl that has said no, girls truly thought boys could die of blue balls, girls thought it was their duty as good girlfriends to let their boyfriends fuck them even when they weren’t in the mood, that they couldn’t talk about what they want in bed or what they don’t find enjoyable because ‘sex is for boys and girls get a relationship in exchange’ etc.).

And in much the same way movies have only relatively recently begun being called out for that, it’s also still pretty recently that they’re being called out for having their one queer coded character be a pedophile and a murder or whatever...Like, society as a whole becoming aware of these issues.

But do authors that publish their work with a specific target audience in mind have a responsibility to think about the effect it might have on them? (And I can already hear loud screams of ‘no way, it’s not your fault if your audience isn’t smart enough to understand that this bad thing is bad’, but I actually do believe in a way they do. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t write whatever you want, just maybe take a look at HOW you bring your point across. (We do KNOW people are influenced by what propaganda they’re consistantly fed. I mean, you wouldn’t write a pro-drugs childrens book...) )

What if the author isn’t aware of their bias and prejudices? Or their target audience isn’t their actual audience?

And do we, society and media, judge female and male authors differently when it comes to romance and sex in fiction? (The answer is yes btw) But also, where do we draw the line at calling something ‘badly written’ and calling it toxic? Can it be both? As I’ve said before, a lot of people claim that only the physical intimacy scenes of novel!wangxian are bad, because they’re badly written and OOC, some say the book as amazingly written and only the wangxian relationship is bad because the author doesn’t know how to write gay men. In my ‘hot take’ I essentially said that’s not necessarily bad writing so much as it’s simply an (okay, unintentional) toxic relationship. And would this relationship still come across as toxic (or badly written, whichever you want) if we didn’t know the author to be a cishet woman? Or if a gay man had written it? (my personal, eloquent answer for this is: yes, but differently.)

Which was really all just a rambly way to get to my point of: it’s not just fetishizing of gay men, it’s also the homophobia and self-inserting in a safe situation.

You can literally replace WWX in the novel with a female character and it wouldn’t change a thing. The author takes such an effort into building up this power imbalance in every aspect of their life that if WWX were a heroine nothing would change in this (sexist/ancient society) setting.

(And clearly this is something that appeals to people if you look at the amount of female!WWX fics...)

Not even the sex scenes. There are maybe two allusions in all of them combined that WWX might also have a dick but like, you can’t be sure and it sure as hell doesn’t need stimulation.

(and again, that could be written as a kink...but it’s just not.)

CQL is a gay love story. MDZS at it’s core is none of that.

But I also very much agree with your ‘to each their own’, like here I am criticizing and trying to find explanations and whatever, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter why someone might like (or write) a book like this, I vastly prefer CQL!wangxian but people have their own reasons for not doing so.

The ‘problem’ really only lies in, as you said, people not being able to accept that it’s not a healthy relationship. Or claiming it to be perfect lgbt rep.

And because my brain can’t shut up today:

I also can’t stop thinking that the way some people ‘glorify’ the book as due to their age and ‘inexperience’.

When I was a pretty young kid and got into fanfiction, there was nothing but completely OOC!whump to be found in the first two fandoms I was in. And I loved it. It was YEARS later that I thought I might like to read something with the characters being...in character. What I’m trying to say, in different stages and phases of your life you might enjoy different things, for different reasons...and obviously, in that moment, you won’t think about ‘what appeals to me here/should this appeal to me/etc’.

I don’t mean inexperience as ‘sexual inexperience’ here, though of course that could be part of it, but also like, inexperience with this genre (is this the first book like this you read, or did you just read 50 in a row that all had the same unhealthy vibes?), with lgbt people and issues (do you know any lgbt people or is your only image of them either the cute boy you can’t have and don’t want to see with another girl or grown men in full kink gear in front of children during CSD? and also: do you think ‘i like this’ and that’s the end of it or do you notice how many people idolize this objectively unhealthy relationship and won’t allow critique on it...)  

I...just wanted to say thanks really.

I just can’t stop rambling apparently and I know I mostly just repeated what you said or what I already said but in longer... I just really do feel very strongly about novel!wangxian and the perception of them and have actually at times felt very personally...worried/affected, by people’s acceptance and love of them and I just... have to try and make sense of it...

[thefreshfinds]

Dre Skuffs - Shade Theory

An album that gives back to the world & then some, Dre Skuff’s 18 tracked album Shade Theory (prod by Pawcuts & more) shows all sides of who he is as an individual in one. Each track alone looks beneath the surface.

Cornered in by a vision, Dre is able to scope out his truth. Their truth. “This project is for the world to hear all shades of me.” Dre adds “I’m not just calm or on my thugged out sh*t or a ladies man & that’s the greatest part about it. I had no difficulty even making this because it’s just so easy to be yourself. Shade Theory was moved by a feeling”

One moment the disciple could be fighting for what’s right for the people (Can’t Stop), showing a more vulnerable side (Sippin’ Yak) or even letting the suckers know that he not the one to be pushed! (Handouts & Fed Up). Yet Dre’s star-power remains on a thou’ (Hot & Top Ace Intro).

He’s as ill as it gets & creates a different illustration through the means of storytelling & complexed flows.

THE BREAK-DOWN

1. Top Ace Intro: Wow! What a way to make an entrance! Followed by the jingle of gold coins, the elevating pattern from the beat leaves room for Dre Skuffs make his triumph. Announcing himself as an emcee whose “rap style is impeccable” over a hallow chant in the background, he goes in about how he’s never going to stop(even if life throws some obstacles in his way.) While others may do it for clout, Dre does it simply because it’s something he’s good at & destined for.

2. Can’t Stop ft Jah Vision: Easing in with talks of struggle & making a change for the nation, this beat screams POWER as Dre allows that same laid back demeanor he carries to wrap into his verses. At most this song speaks about issues that need more awareness (like led in water fountains or even overpriced education) that people aren’t woke to. Through it all, his people remain strong so it doesn’t matter what the world tries to throw their way. To add an moving effect is Jah Vision’s war-ready vocal arrangement which subconsciously makes the people feel like they can get through anything.

3. Intelligent Thug: In pursuit of an glimmered blare of trumpets, Dre uses his eloquent ways to speak about women who want a man who’s gully & book smart. Although Dre has been through the wringer, he doesn’t allow it to determine where life takes him. He’s a knowledgeable being with a good head on his shoulders but in this song it seems like he’s mimicking the girls of this generation who just want a “bad boy.”

4. Hot ft Big Rod: An more upbeat track that aims some flexecution at his haters, Dre pulls out a “I win you lose” attitude in his verses. He’s coming for his spot & is damn if he lets anyone take it!

5. Phone Call 1 + 15. Phone Call 2: These two are basically conversation’s Dre has with another. Phone Call 2 is a conversation with a loved one about his recent tour & how he’s been living it up! (He also doesn’t forget to show her love for all she does. I mean.. this mysterious woman has been showing love since day one so it’s only right.) But in Phone Call 1 it surfaced around the Ghostface Killa & 50 Cent beef. *The speech is slowed down for effect*

6. Handouts ft. N-Omega: Bouncing through your temple with that West Coast vibe, Dre & N-Omega spit about the sleazeballs who just want to benefit off of their hard work. Frankly, they’re just fed up & advice whoever thinks to try it to just not. (Just invest in yourself. They’re not your ticket out of Bumsville.)

7. The Unknowing ft Courtney Danger: “In life no one knows what shall unfold.” This very line is best sung smoothly by Courtney Danger in this track & it’s true. Though someone’s actions may appear vile, there could be a better reasoning as to why it is done. Luckily Dre Skuffs gets it & so he tells a number of stories revolving around it over a soulful production. This track just oozes into your listening stream! You can’t help but to leave it on repeat.

8. Gimee My Cash ft Khalil Jibran: Most likely to make you two-step, Dre Skuffs is all about his business in this track! (& yes he wants to be PAID. IN. FULL.) It could all be so simple yet people want to make it difficult by not giving credit when it’s due but Dre & Khalil are here to set them straight. The versatility from these two emcees is apparent as the breakdown from the track builds up in time for them to both speak their piece.

9. Insane-Mesmerized ft. Johanny: A track that’s sure to woo the ladies, Dre Skuff puts on his charm & speaks of a lady who he attracts to like a magnet (but he seems to be caught up in his ways). In the bridge of 3:13 Johanny speaks in the woman’s perspective, singing ever so softly about how she feels the same. (Alexa cue Dangerously in Love by Beyonce’). As a sweet touch, the beat makes sure to center on a lightly pressed snare drum & trickled, lightly pressed piano chords, slowing down in time for Johanna’s piece. (Kind of how Drake does in some tracks off his latest album: More Life)

10. Mile Away ft Sunnie: Jazzy yet soulful (thanks to Sunnie’s powerful range), this track speaks about the ones who thought they blindsided Dre Skuffs but boy were they wrong! Stronger than ever, Dre Skuffs comes in empowered & ready for any other obstacles headed his way.

11. Voice Drop ft. Big Rod & Liftoff: It’s survival of the fittest & so far, these three have killed off the rest. Big Rod, Liftoff & Dre go 0 to 100 & say they’ll continue to reign as number ones.

12. Fed Up: Dropping in with a dauntful beat to scare away those who try to test him, Dre Skuffs is fed up with these n*ggas. In this track he’s basically in full savage mode. He doesn’t care about these groupies (male or female) phonies, media platforms or DJ’s. At the end of the day Dre knows who really rides for him & is willing to show THOSE people love. For those plotting: He wants the smoke. All of it.

13. Sippin Yak ft Maxx Gilliam: We all need distractions to get away from the pain (whether good or bad) it just comes easy to us. This track is significantly relatable because we’ve all been there & it specifically focuses on the pain he endured while his cousin is suffering through an illness.) Whether it’s losing a loved one or just a love.. the pain can just be unbearable. Maxx Gilliam’s sweet, hallow singing pattern also makes you feel like things will indeed be ok.

14. Wanna Tell You: Seductive in its own manner, the production that Dre Skuffs chose for this track leaves a perfect imprint for his emotionally captivating rhymes. Followed by some slick Spanish murmurs & silhouetted piano chords, the multi dexterous Dre Skuffs places himself in the tale as a knuckleheaded young bull who’s just “DTF” with a beautiacious woman. As a result, Dre leaves room for milennials to relate & ponder on. This track shows others that their are consequences to every action we make so it’s best to consider all of the outcomes.

16. Real With Me ft Sobmar: Bringing back that 90’s soulful feel Dre speaks about the woman he looks for, one that’s honest, into him & someone he can just kick it with. That’s really all he ask for. Plain & simple. In pursuit is Sobmar’s mellow singing voice.

17. Be Free ft. Trish Jane: Smooth at it’s finest with the same trickled piano chords, the light hitting drum helps to tell an intriguing tale about a man who’d do anything for his family if it means to keep them happy “who’s lost in the sauce forreal”. Little does he know it’ll have the worst outcome. It just goes to show you that humans will do anything for materialistic things & it’s sad. I especially love Trish Jane’s risen singing pattern because it helps to deliver the main message.

18. The Charge Up: The instruments are HEARD in this last track. From the cymbals to the low guitar riffs, they bring the track to life. Dre Skuff is really trying to tell the TRUTH to everyone but sometimes it’s taken as being “boring” or “corny”. Advising others to not give into the evils of the world, he just wants his people to spread the love & fight for justice.

In a word, Shade Theory is timeless. It’s going to affect the world in a positive way. Each track is different & gives you topics to ponder on. “The sound is just us [NJ artist].” (But that can’t be said about every artist. Dre’s manager even thought Fetty Wap was from the South!)

Shade Theory is full of realizations, words of encouragement & shows that Dre’s drive is apparent. “You can break me down in 20 ways, but Shade Theory..that’s me.”

By: Natalee Gilbert

Shade Theory **Available on all platforms**

https://soundcloud.com/dreskuffs/sets/shade-theory​

[enbyflock2]

Gender Identity Discoveries in Music Performance

CW: body and social dysphoria, homophobic slurs, transphobia, body image

I am a senior music education major, and I realized that I am a non-binary trans person at the beginning of this semester. Coming out helped me realize how to be “in the moment” when performing music. When I turn “in the moment,” I feel my preoccupations with gender completely leave, or my desires towards gender touch me in a way where I can see my usually conflicting feelings of gender as compatible. I realize I have always felt this way in my performances in the past where I had felt “in the moment.”

Regardless of your gender identity, you can still feel freed from a sense of gender in the music making process. Cismen specifically will grow up in environments that tell them playing music is effeminate. Playing in ensembles can help them realize that music is manly, they can get in touch with a feminine side through music, and/or simply that music is not and should not be about gender. Any of these realizations are valid. A person designated one gender can discover they identify as a different gender through the creative process of making music. Music is incredibly spiritual and revealing of one’s true self in so many ways.

When someone performs music, whether they realize it or not they are facing several different forces at once. They are facing the external forces of audience and reception, the internalized forces of things their music teachers instructed them to do (or the many influences they picked up from music recordings and performances), and (possibly) the purely internal forces of the heart, spirit, body, and mind. Some call musicians brave, daring, and bold. Some think that professional musicians are full of it. But I think of professional musicians as normal people. We just focus on being “in the moment” when we perform, and try to face these tough forces with a calm “evaluation without judgment,” or evaluation that focuses on improving the performance itself instead of placing value judgments on the personal self.

Transgender people are similar to musicians. When transgender people prepare themselves for the day by putting on their clothes, they are facing several different forces at once when they go out in public. They are facing the external factors of the social environments around them that will either accept or loathe them. They are facing the internalized factors of years of being told they are not acting like their assigned-sex/gender, and all the bullying and peer pressure that had went along with that. They are (possibly) facing their purely internal factors of their heart, spirit, body, and mind. Some call transgender people brave, daring, and bold. Some think that transgender people are full of it. But transgender people are just normal people. Whether a transgender person means to or not, when they present themselves in a different way that is outside of their assigned sex gender, they are making an eloquent statement about all the social environments they have been in throughout the entirety of their life. That statement says: “It is what it is.”

I was desperate for answers when I came to the realization that I was transgender, and I’m still searching for answers. This will be a lifelong realization. However, I feel fortunate enough that my identity as a musician answered so many questions I had been looking at for a long time. Now I remember why I went through that phase in middle school/early high school where I liked those 60s-70s male avant-garde pop musicians: such as Frank Zappa, Captain Beefheart, and Ron and Russell Mael from the pop duo Sparks. I felt completely isolated from the experience of boys in my middle school and high school that I needed someway to relate. So I listened to the music and watched the videos and interviews of these male avant-garde weirdos, and appropriated the characteristics they expressed within these medias into a male version of myself. I incorporated their utter sarcasm, treating everything like a big joke, and lack of emotionality. This is something that the middle school and high school boys could relate to, and I did get a good circle going of male friends. But I also incorporated their caustic wit and know-it-all attitudes, which many of my male friends and peers found to be distasteful. Also, the music that Zappa, Beefheart, and Sparks performed was music that seemed completely outside of a gender experience the way I understood gender in middle school and high school. So comparing music tastes to my male friends was problematic.

I remember when I was first introduced to the music, videos, and interviews of Joni Mitchell, Kate Bush, FKA Twigs, and Björk. Once again, this was music that seemed very avant-garde and outside the experience of gender the way I understood gender. Girls in my middle school and high school did not listen to any of these artists. However, these groups and solo artists were slightly different from the male avant-garde weirdos in one way: utter emotionality expressed in their music, videos, and interviews. When I came to college and started looking closely at the lyrics of these female artists, I came to realize that their music is often overtly and literally feminine, especially the music of Kate Bush. Her lyrical topics often deal with motherhood, pregnancy, womanly sexual experience, and (yes) even menstruation.

I notice now how these artists affected my personality, thoughts, and communications. The male side of me I learned about through Zappa, Beefheart, and Sparks (i.e. smart, witty, sarcastic) is something I occasionally bring out in how I communicate as a person, but I honestly don’t listen to their music much anymore. The female side of me I learned about through Mitchell, Bush, Twigs, and Björk (i.e. power in vulnerability, emotionality in conversation) is something I bring out a lot more in my everyday communications, and I still listen to their music a lot. I love both these sides to myself, but I have to be cautious with how I communicate and not adhere to one side strictly. Being a sarcastic know-it-all is not always appropriate as a young adult, but it sometimes works if I’m not achieving something I desperately need to get. I can love the music of FKA Twigs and talk like how she does in interviews, but dieting because I’m jealous of her figure is not good. I tried to do that last summer. It was unhealthy and unrealistic in my male body build… However, all these artists are similar in how they call out the ills of modern society in their works, they are utterly original, and/or they enjoy and celebrate their sexuality. This is the kind person I always was, always am, and always aspire to be.

Being raised in a rich Republican Catholic family in a small, redneck town can really isolate you from the realities of the world and being able to communicate who your personal self is. I have tried to overcome these difficult aspects of my background through dating, meditating, exercising weekly, occasionally drinking with friends, keeping more conscious with news and politics, and practicing my instrument everyday. Studying music at the collegiate level has helped me tremendously with my psyche, and actually extending myself socially to others. It is a privilege to be able to study the works of Schubert, Stravinsky, and Schoenberg and see that they wanted to break down these associations people attribute to music categories/genres, while still taking aspects from these categories/genres within their works as composers. I have realized many students on this liberal arts campus want to think critically about these associations they attribute to social communications and categories, but are often afraid to follow through with action. But just knowing that the students have this desire too makes me feel at ease to extend myself socially.

I have always felt a clear sense of self, but have struggled to extend this self into everyday social communications outside of music. It has come to the extent where answering the question “How do you define yourself?” has been problematic for me. Performing music at the collegiate level has helped me answer this question. One answer I give is the simple, clichéd “I am who I am.” I find this present in the performances I’ve had recently where I have just felt so clear-headed and “in the moment,” all because I have faced my identity as a transgender person. I’ve realized that all the performances before I came out of the closet where I have felt a clear-headed “in the moment” sensation have been because I left behind my preoccupations with how I wasn’t fitting into either gender. I just didn’t realize I was doing that at the time.

Another way I answer, “How do you define yourself?” is “I am all the people that have influenced me.” I find this present in the recent performances where I have been “in the moment,” but in another way, where all my influences in my life start popping in my head as images and start supporting me through the performance process. I used to get scared and distracted when this would start happening to me, and I would get preoccupied with one of those images. I’d see Zappa, Otis Murphy, or Gerard Morris and think to myself “These are men… play like a man...” Then… AGH. I’d miss a note, play with poor tone quality, or articulate lazily. I’d see Kate Bush, Ida Gotkovsky, or Minna Stelzner and think to myself “These are women… play like a woman…” Then… AGH! I’d fuck up again! But through meditation, I am learning to let these images pass through my head naturally, so I can see a wide assortment of them through my head as I perform: male, female, and non-binary influences. When I let all these associations wash over me naturally, I play more professionally and beautifully. My heart and mind feel euphoric, my spirit feels uplifted, and my body moves in a naturalistic motion. The most vivid memory I had of this process was in my first Puget Sound wind ensemble concert. I just didn’t realize what was going on at the time.

The cisgender professional musician probably experiences being “in the moment” the same way I do. They seem to be in a euphoric, spiritually uplifting rush, and I can see it through the natural movements of their bodies within performance. They too are channeling all these influences at once of male, female, and non-binary. But I approach and interpret this process as “gender fluidity” for myself because I have been bothered by gender my whole life. Through my coming out process, I was brought back to memories of what seemed to be my internalized, or possibly purely internal reactions to a different gender. Yes, this included listening to strange avant-garde music, but also tucking away my dick and clutching my chest as boobs back in high school to relax and find enjoyment out of my overweight body I didn’t really like. It included years of being called faggot, being told I talked, walked, ate, acted, and sat like a girl. It included many moments of being terrified and confused with my own personal experiences of masturbation. But observing the external forces I’m around today is much different from years before. Today, I am a respected musician within my major. I love my body and sexuality, and keep learning how to love it better each day. When my friends see me in either a dress or a suit, they just look at me, nod their heads, and say a loving comment, such as: “You can pull off any outfit, Timmy.”

“It is what it is.”

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BwVtq3-4ILHWYjJOOW5qZUtnTU0

[whatsthisthingivecalledlife]

I got love on my mind

Aight so for a less eloquent string of thoughts - I am the master of fucking up love. We all are in our own ways, but I truly amaze myself. Hear me out. My first true love was a guy in the Navy. We met when I was in college and we're together for 1 year before a disastrous break up. I lost my virginity to this guy. I was 16 and dumb and in love. He cheated on me repeatedly throughout that year, but I never even knew until after we were already broken up. After him, I dated around a lot. I didn't get into another serious relationship because I was very broken. I would just have sex with men and be with them for short amounts of time before moving on to the next guy. There was a period there when I genuinely believed no one would ever love me. Then when I was 20 and had just graduated from college, I started dating Kevin. Kevin and I met on Tinder and really hit it off. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the first date - which scared the actual fuck out of me. I fell in love with him quickly. I'd say I was truly in love with him for the first 3 months of our relationship. I was so oblivious to any problems we might face. He wasn't in love with me yet. About 5 months in, Kevin fell in love with me. Even then, it wasn't until we'd been dating for 1 year that I knew he genuinely loved me. He wanted to be with me forever. He was so sure of it. He wanted to marry me and grow old together. But I fell out of love. There's something about giving your everything to someone without it being returned that wears down on you. Kevin took too long to fall in love with me. By the time he had, I was tired. I tried to make it work. Kevin was perfect. He was kind, intelligent, hardworking, funny, incredibly thoughtful, etc. I made it 1 year and 3 months. My longest relationship so far. The breakup was awful. He was devastated. He fought to keep me. He brought flowers and candy to my door almost every day. He recorded himself playing our song for me. He would text and call me constantly. He did everything he possibly could have. And I wanted to love him so badly. But I couldn't. A few months later, I met a guy named Alex. I'd say that Alex was the turning point for my relationships and love-life as an adult. Alex was very different from anyone I'd been with before. He was confident, funny, outgoing, he had tons of friends, he'd lived in the same area for his entire life, his dad was a well-known judge and attorney, everyone liked him. I can say with 100% confidence that Alex and I never could have worked out. But I still fell for him. Fast. On our second date, I realized I was falling for him. It was all downhill from there. I began a new struggle I hadn't had before - I wanted to date Alex, but Alex was a fuck boy. People don't get what a fuck boy is. You see, Alex wanted everything a relationship provides from me. We spent time with each other's family and friends. We spent our weekends together. We texted every day. We went on dates and had amazing sex. There were a million signs of the disaster that was to come, but I ignored them. I was in some blissful, overly-optimistic state in which I truly believed we were meant to be together. He let me believe it for a while. We went on a road trip together to San Antonio to see a concert. The week after that, things ended. I don't need to detail it too much, but I definitely learned a lot about how vulnerable I really was. After Alex, I started sleeping around again. I went back to my pre-Kevin mindset of "I am going to be single forever, and that's ok." And maybe that's how my life will turn out. I have no idea. But the sleeping around only lasted about 2 months. I have a close friend named Del. He's probably one of my favorite people ever. Del knows all about my views on relationships and love. He knows I just want to have sex with people with no emotional attachment. Del is the same way. Luckily - Del and I are truly platonic, so we talk very openly about these things. One night, Del went out with some of his friends I didn't know. I got home drunk from a bad and Del had sent me a Snapchat of him and his two friends. One of those friends was a handsome blonde guy with the cutest freckles. He was wearing a gray beanie. I snapped back to him something along the lines of, "Tell your hella hot friend that he is hella hot." Long story short - Del got that guy and I to start talking. That guy's name is Dylan. Little did I know what kind of shit storm I was getting myself into. I didn't like Dylan when I first met him. He's a very unique person. He's low maintenance and laid back, which is great, but it came across as sloppy at first. It probably wasn't until about our 3rd "date" that I decided I liked him. Enough to have sex with him at least. I never imagined it would be anything more than that. Well, fuck my judgment. Dylan is in love with another girl. I pretty much couldn't have possibly met him at a worse time. Initially, this was what made me decide having sex with him was a good idea. If he's in love with someone else, he couldn't get emotionally attached to me. It was the perfect "friends with benefits" situation. Well I was fucking wrong, because I didn't account for the potential of me having feelings for him. It took time for the feelings to develop, but they're there. I'm not in love with him, that's crazy. We've only been doing this for a little over a month now. But I love what we have together. We sleep together almost every single night. I text him all day, every day. I tell him everything going on in my life. There's something incredibly comforting about going to bed with the same person all the time. The feeling of getting to cuddle up next to them and kiss them is so blissful. I never realized how much I could love it from someone outside of a relationship. And now I've gotten attached. I don't know what I'd do now if this fell apart. And it will eventually have to fall apart. Dylan is in love with another girl who doesn't love him. And he doesn't love me. I have no idea what he honestly wants from me. To my understanding, he doesn't want anything. He just wants what we have right now. He continuously worries that he's going to hurt me, and I reassure him that he won't - even though it's a lie. I'll be hurt when it ends. I'm hurt now - albeit unjustifiably. Knowing Dylan doesn't love me, and feels that he never is going to love me, is a new kind of hurt I haven't felt before. It's strange and hypocritical, because I'm not in love with him either. I think I just want him to love me for the reassurance that he isn't going to leave. Which is selfish and shitty. I don't want to lose what I have with Dylan. What we have together makes me incredibly happy. The more I get to know him, the more I fool myself into believing that we would actually be great together in a relationship. I have to remind myself constantly how unrealistic that is. It's hard. I think about it every day. I try to figure out what I need to do. What would be the right thing to do? I never want to lose him as a friend. But if I get hurt, I know I'll push him away. I can't do that. I just keep hoping that maybe he'll fall out of love with the other girl. He has to eventually. She doesn't love him at all. She just uses him, and he lets her. He's an idiot honestly. Del warned me that he's a clueless idiot about feelings and emotions. I didn't really know how far deep that ran. I know everything will work out in the end, but I wish it could just already be working out right now. I don't understand love. I feel it, but I don't know how to properly judge it or help it grow. Maybe no one does - some people are just better at pretending than others. Honestly - I'm hurting. Every day hurts lately. I feel stuck in a place of "no one will ever love me" and it's horribly depressing. Dylan says I'm too perfect, which makes me far more angry that I ever would have thought it could. It's just insulting though. He's essentially saying that I'm everything he's ever wanted - beautiful, funny, smart, whatever - but that I'm too perfect. He's saying that he'd rather be in love with a girl that doesn't love him back than fall in love with me. And that fucking sucks. But he's an idiot, and I can't control how he feels, obviously. For now, I'll just continue to try to figure out my feelings day by day. Life will work out in the end.

[stardustandcatpaws-blog]

three

Today has been quite trying for me. I feel all of my stress and anxiety creeping in and I know I really need rest. I tend to think more negatively about myself and worry a lot about what other people think when I am super stressed - which stresses me out more. :/ 

Last night, my ex-boyfriend called me and asked me why we weren’t together anymore… It has been a month since we broke up, but I need to collect some things from him so I decided to answer to smooth things over, get my stuff and leave a healthy ending to an otherwise unhealthy relationship. After months of fighting and having been broken up for one month I thought I had enough time to decompress and not be sad or angry anymore. Apparently I am not completely healed because talking to this man infuriated me to my core. Our whole relationship was toxic and I let it happen. I’m not blaming myself for the way I was treated, but I am blaming myself for letting it continue. I always do this. I always let my partner take advantage of me. I always put everything I can into a relationship to make us happy as a unit. I want to grow together as a couple and as individuals. If my boyfriend is ever having a hard time, I always do my best to take care of him. I know I go above and beyond for people, but especially my significant other. Unfortunately, I have such low self-esteem that I forget to take care of myself. I forget to make myself happy and the men I choose to be with always seem to take advantage of that. It is always the same cycle of me caring so much, losing energy and getting upset. Then, they apologize and say they will do better, I believe them and then they don’t do anything. Cycle repeats. 

My last relationship in particular was quite destructive, however beautifully it started off. I needed someone I could talk with for hours about life and the universe (or so I thought); he was that person for me. We would talk about our future goals, education, artificial intelligence, art… anything. It was so sexy to me how much he knew about everything. He is so educated and eloquently spoken. I was so blinded by and attracted to his academic intelligence I almost immediately forgave the inevitable arrogant qualities that tagged along. Because he was so smart, I listened and followed the advice he told me. And because I am so trusting, I was fooled by his words. He once said to me, “you are a reflection of me.” And I believed him. When he told me I was, “too big,” “too loud,” “too sick,” “too (insert word here)” I truly believed him. So I would start to change. Fortunately, I am not so gullible that my mind and emotions started to catch up with the manipulation. I felt the negative energy surround me when I was with him. I could feel the lies: “my friends all say they don’t know why I am with you when I can have anyone I want, but I tell them you have a kind personality,…” “I don’t want people to know about our relationship because it isn’t classy,” “I don’t touch you in public because it is not the proper way…” At the beginning I thought maybe it was his culture, so I will try to be respectful and try to understand. So I studied his country’s entire history, researched popular culture and made some friends from that area. I started sticking up for myself when he would criticize me. He criticized me, literally, every time we spent together for everything I did. I remember once, he criticized me for giving money to a homeless person on the street. He said, “How do you expect to be rich if you give your money away for nothing?” I replied,”I am already rich,” Rich with kindness, friends, family and life. I don’t care about money.” He laughed at me and said, “The elite don’t get to where they are without being frugal. We need to figure out a way to be better.” I remember being very put off by that response. He told me constantly, “Your style is not good enough to be where you want to be,” “People will respect you more if you lose weight,” “You should not wear any makeup in public or men will think you want to have sex with them,” “People have told me the way that you dress downtown is slutty and they don’t understand why we are together,” “Anyone who compliments you only wants to have sex with you; there are way sexier girls.” There are hundreds more, that barely scratched the surface. Once, at a casino, a man touched my body inappropriately. I raised my voice to the man, but he ran away. I told my boyfriend at the time about it and his response was to, “Just ignore it. It happens.” Later on in the evening, I was still upset about it because I really don’t like being touched and he said,”What is your problem? Did you want me to get in a fight for nothing? Did you want me to get hurt? There was nothing I could do.” My only feeling and response to him was that I wanted him to care… After that, I think it clicked I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I started googling,”Is my boyfriend a narcissist?” “What is emotional abuse?” etc… Every question on these sites I answered with a yes. 

BUT STILL, I stayed. Why? Because I truly believe a person’s true nature is more good than it is bad. I feel this way about the world because if I didn’t I would be lost. I truly believe, one of my purposes in life is to show people the good in them and love them when they are not so loveable. No matter how much much someone hurts me, I want them to know I won’t give up on them. Unfortunately in the process of all of this, I gave up on myself. After this realization, I had to stop. After giving everything I had, I had to end it. 

Immediately after breaking up, I felt refreshed. The arguments ended, the crying ended… everything ended. He is still messaging me now, saying he loves me, saying I am still the kindest, most beautiful person and that there is nothing wrong with me in his eyes. Unbeknownst to him, I can now see right through the lies. Everything he is saying is just a play in his game to get what he wants. I now realize he never loved me and I know I never loved him… I was just in a state of infatuation and manipulation which I thought was love…

On the bright side, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that although I enjoy having intellectual debates, emotional intelligence and kindness trump academic intelligence. I learned a hard, however, valuable lesson about what kind of person I don’t want. I was forced to remind myself of my value to the world. Maybe I am not the things that he wants me to be, but I am the things I want me to be. I am kind, I am sensitive, I am caring, I am honest, and I am just a good person who loves too much. And, that’s ok.