#and the vampires (+guillermo) can do no wrong as long as they look good doing it

[bottombaron]

so, if Laszlo takes the fall for Guillermo like I predicted and Nandor kills him or both of them or all of them (and then feels real bad abt it and brings him/them back via wish), I know a lot of ppl who are already down on Nandor here are going to swell in numbers and everyones going to hate on him and w/e and anyways I just want people to know something real important

sit down

breath this in

take it to heart...

hes going to be so fucking hot doing it

[dandelionpixels]

reader + what we do in the shadows household

(platonic/family)

ask: I’m desperately coping with the show ending, so do you suppose we could have some wwdits headcanons where the reader is a half-vampire and announces that they’re getting married?

- you’re probably pretty nervous to announce it, given the vamps aren’t known for being good with change. you dance around it for a while, hiding your engagement ring in your pocket and being paranoid about any love-life related questions.

- eventually you can feel yourself buckle under the stress, knowing you have to tell someone. it’s late when you knock on guillermo’s door, rushing inside the second he opens it.

“Hi? Hi! What’s going on, are you okay?”


You nod quickly, not knowing how to say it. Before you can chicken out, you pull the ring out of your pocket and slide it onto your finger. Biting your lip nervously, you extend your hand out. Guillermo has to physically cover his mouth to stop himself from letting out an excited squeak, but you can see his grin all over his face.

He grabs your hand, admiring the ring, “Oh my gosh, how long?”

Face splitting into a grin, you can feel yourself shaking the stress off your shoulders already. You’d been wanting to be excited with someone for so long. “Next month!”

His mouth drops as he looks up at you, “Have you told the others?”

Shaking your head slowly, you raise your hands into a prayer gesture, wincing slightly at it, “I was actually hoping you could do me a big favor and help out with that.”

- you guys spend the whole night on guillermo’s bed, sitting cross-legged trying to figure out the best way to launch it to the other members of the household.

- the next morning you both enter the kitchen exhausted, making nadja recoil in disgust, “Ew, why do you two look so… dead?” You both shoot her a look and she rolls her eyes, “You know what I mean.”

- it takes too long to gather everyone into the living room. every time you bring the last person in, the others have disappeared back into their rooms. and when you do get everyone sat down, laszlo won’t stop obsessing over the “sliding boxes” on the laptop. no matter how many times you explain what a slideshow is, he can’t grasp it.

The slideshow starts easy, with a few pictures of you and your partner early into dating. You explain who it is and how you guys met. Nandor isn’t paying attention, busy trying to untie his double-knotted boots. Nadja and Laszlo are on thin ice, only paying attention to giggle and point at every single transition in the slideshow. Colin is paying far too much attention, trying to give you tips on how to improve your ‘slideshow game’ while you do your best to ignore him.

Nevertheless, Guillermo shoots you a thumbs up and you keep going. The next pictures are more recent, various adventures the two of you had gone on together. You get to the second to last slide, a picture taken of both of you, your partner’s hand behind their back. You glance up to see that no one has picked up any hints you were putting down. Looks like a soft-launch is off the table.

Clicking through to the last slide, you reveal the ring on your other hand, waving it in front of everyone to get their attention. 


“I’m getting married!”

Laszlo reacts first, standing up and stomping his foot, “Absolutely not! I will not have you sold off without me knowing about it, unless we are in dire need of livestock.”

You cock your head in equal parts confusion and annoyance. Next to him, Nadja stands up slower, hands outstretched, “Laszlo, you dumbass! As usual, you’ve got it all wrong, they’re getting married like idiots because they want too.” It’s oddly tender, coming from her, and you can feel your eyes tearing up.

She grabs your hands, eyes watering, “I’ve always wanted to be a plant woman.”

Glancing behind her, you see Guillermo mouth ‘flower girl’ and mime throwing petals. Smiling, you squeeze her hands, “You will absolutely be our plant woman, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Laszlo sticks out a hand, weirdly formal. You drop Nadja’s hands to cautiously shake his. He nods sharply, “Although I only believe in the marriage between me and my darling wife, I truly hope you beat the odds. Or more likely, give an honorable attempt at beating the odds.” Smiling, you can sense the genuine congratulations behind his mildly judgmental words.

Colin rises from the couch, corners of his mouth ever so slightly upturned, “This is very good, I’ve always wanted to bake a wedding cake.” You look at him, letting out a slight laugh of disbelief, “Colin, did you say you’re happy for me?” He stares back, “I don’t think so, but if that’s what you heard, I’ll let it slide.” You can’t help but shoot Guillermo a surprised look, and then nod quickly to Colin, “It’s…appreciated? I hope you don’t take it personally that I can’t allow you to make a toast at the wedding.”

He nods, “I understand, but it’s actually quite interesting how toasts came to be, especially in the context of-,”

Nandor interrupts, picking a perfect time to pitch in, “You’re- really getting married?” He gestures between Nadja and Laszlo, “Like… them?” He’s clearly grossed out, but makes a clear effort to try and hide it. The effort is appreciated and you nod, “Not exactly like them, I hope.” You make an apologetic glance in their direction, “No offense. But yeah, I’m getting married for real.”

He looks dramatically towards Guillermo, “Must everyone flaunt their happiness in my face?” Guillermo rolls his eyes, “Can you please just be supportive?”

Knowing Nandor’s delicate feelings about weddings and change and love, you sit down next to him on the couch, “Hey.”

He pretends not to hear you, pouting in defiance. You take a breath, smiling despite yourself, “Nandor, I wanted to ask you something. It’s really important, please listen.” You see him perk up slightly, still looking down. Putting a hand on his shoulder, you let out a resigned breath, “Would you like to write a speech for my wedding?”

Spinning around to face you, he stifles a smile, “A speech?” You nod and he lets a grin force it’s way onto his face as he gives you an energetic yet slightly awkward side hug, “Yes! And it’ll be the best speech I’ve ever written. Long, and- and with a lot of words.”

You lean over to whisper to Guillermo, “Will you please proofread that speech?” He nods worriedly, keeping an eye on Nandor as the vampire gestures widely.

Nadja and Laszlo push you to the side, sitting on the couch beside you. Guillermo looks down the couch at everyone, “Guys, let’s be as helpful as possible, okay? Weddings take a lot of planning, even in the last month.”


Everyone nods eagerly, and you feel your chest go warm. Though sometimes clumsy and emotionally immature, hearing everyone excitedly discuss absolutely ridiculous wedding ideas is somehow the sweetest gesture ever. Nadja is talking to Guillermo about finding ‘some of those dancing shirtless people’ for a party, Laszlo is concerningly preoccupied with a topiary sculpture to commemorate your day, Nandor is reciting speech ideas out loud, and Colin is pretending not to look up cake recipes on the laptop.

- the actual wedding goes beyond fantastic. nadja is a lovely flower girl, even with doll nadja sitting in the flower petal basket. nandor’s speech is surprisingly heartfelt, even more so when guillermo admits he didn’t help all that much. laszlo insists he’s going to walk you down the aisle, whether you like it or not. colin is trying very hard to walk the line of making the full vampires chill out without putting them to sleep. it’s his idea of a wedding gift. guillermo also makes sure they don’t wreck too much havoc, and that they confuse your older relatives as little as possible.

[thenoisethatkeepsmeawake]

Hi there! It seems like you watch a wide variety of horror movies. Could you recommend some interesting or unique vampire films that have caught your attention?

Hi there anon,

I'd sure like to help. Since you say "interesting or unique" I'll skip over the widely praised usual things. Vampire basics like Bram Stoker's Dracula (looks gorgeous, great cast, perfect soundtrack), The Lost Boys (peak 80s style) or Blade (great vampire action).

Only Lovers Left Alive - vampires are somewhat immortal and living long enough brings its own bag of emotions. Dread, depression, nihilism. Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston play longtime married vampires living mostly apart and drifting back into each other's life for a bit. Also blood sucking isn't all that fun with todays diseases. (IMDB)

Near Dark - this is a classic, but sometimes it gets overlooked. Director/writer Kathryn Bigelow tells a sorta western story, but there are vampires in it, except we don't even call them that. It starts with young dude means a beautiful woman, and oops she bites him and then he falls in with the crowd she hangs out with. Lots of violence in this one. (IMDB)

Stake Land - I really enjoy the film "Daybreakers" about a world with vampires being the dominant species and the problems it causes, that is a wider known film of that variety. "Stake Land" is like the discarded sibling, focusing on a post-apocalyptic atmosphere. A vampire hunter finds a survivor who just saw his family being slaughtered and they drive cross-country to hopefully find a safe place. If you like typical zombie-apocalypse genre conventions, then this is a nice vampire version. (IMDB)

Shadow of the Vampire - really not a hidden gem, but I have to mention it. This film tells the story of the filming of Murnau's 1922 "Nosferatu", but in this the lead actor Max Schreck is actually a vampire. Willem Dafoe gives a wonderful performance and it's just film history wrapped into vampire drama. (IMDB)

What We Do in the Shadows - this was definitely unique when it came out and hey, it spawned a whole tv show. A mockumentary about vampires just living in the real world. Just fun to watch. (IMDB)

Cronos - this is Guillermo del Toro's first feature film and tbh it's been forever since I've seen it. There is a device that grants immortality, but the side effects are pretty much turning into a vampire (the hunger for blood, not going out in the sun). An old man finds the device and a not so noble businessman desperately wants it. Fun to see early del Toro and his use of monsters vs human evil. (IMDB)

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - an Iranian black-and-white film, about a female vampire who is drawn into some family drama about addiction. Not an easy watch, very stylistic (influenced highly by spaghetti western), but also really interesting with the themes of desire and danger. Unique for sure. (IMDB)

We Are the Night - if I'm really honest, I'm not sure I would even call this a good film. There is so much I'd like to change. BUT I also absolutely adore it for being unapologetic about a group of women doing what the fuck they want - as vampires. And there is a reason they don't turn men. This is something that can be build on. (IMDB)

Byzantium - full disclosure, I saw this once and didn't enjoy it much, but I want to give it another shot, because I think I was in the wrong mood back then. Director Neil Jordan is good with visuals and being weird like in "Interview with the Vampire", "The Butcher Boy" ot"Breakfast on Pluto". And here he tells a long interwoven life story of a mother and daughter vampire duo. In a world where vampires have a strict code and used to be mostly noble men. So there is class and gender in the mix, lots of sexuality (there is rape and prostitution) etc etc. Maybe this could be for you, idk. (IMDB)

Let the Right on in - always to be found on a list like this. There is the Swedish film (based on the book) and an US remake that made a few choice changes, but is overall still worth watching. Kinda a bummer to put it out as a vampire film right away. When I read the book I thought it was just a serial killer story and the twists and turns of who is who was a wild ride. There is a young boy who gets bullied at school, but befriends the new kid in the neighborhood who seems to live a weird life. Heavy themes about grooming and the true horror only sets in at the end. (IMDB)

As for simple vampire action, I do love the "Underworld" series. This year's "Abigail" shouldn't have revealed it was a vampire film at all, but it's very bloody and funny, so a quick watch. Also a bloody good time is "30 Days of Night", and I stand by my belief that red blood looks fantastic on white snow. If you like animated films, the anime "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust" is a great gothic vampire love story. There's lots to find.

[megaawkwardhuman]

*slowly puts on tinfoil hat* 1000TH NEW PROMO AND OMFG YA BOY HAS SOME THOUGHTS ON IT

we're getting to the point where we're going to get A LOT of new promos which yay for new shit!

SOOOOO

I'M HALF RIGHT?

OK SO the promo clearly has multiple clips from the next season BUT focusing on the ones that at least I could put together at some point not just nandor know but I think they all know?

by the looks of it there's going to be an episode where laszlo reveals what he and guillermo have been testing cuz we see who I'm assuming is laslzo asking about things vampires can do

then later we see the rice scene and nadja commenting on guillermo attempting to fly

so I think it's safe to say the whole guillermo trying to get turned but it getting fucked up thing probably won't be a secret for TOO long (low key kinda glad)

my main question now is WHAT leads to them telling them?

cuz this is very obviously not the first episode so what the fuck happens that causes laszlo to call in back up?

I'm assuming this isn't too late into the season and nothing BIG happens that causes them to spill

I mean they probably tell them at the end of an episode and them all collectively trying to test guillermo's vampyness (yes I know that's not a word) will take up an entire episode by the looks of it

so maybe either they hit a block, not that long after asking laszlo for help he tells the group, or guillermo feels that the rest should know about this so he gets laszlo to tell them cause maybe they're more likely to believe him

maybe we've (or at least I've) been reading the whole laszlo and guillermo spending more time together thing wrong and while he knows it's for a good reason nandor is jealous not just because laszlo is spending more time with guillermo but because he's learning how to be a vampire with someone else?

cause like even if it's just tests and there's a real chance he could be unturnable since he's been there for guillermo ever since day 1 he wants to be there for him when he finally figures out what's going on with him good or bad

maybe to him this is like teaching a kid how to ride a bike and he doesn't want to miss a second of it

buuuut due to how weird this all is he instead turned to laszlo instead of him and well nandor can't help but be jealous of laz taking not only guillermo's time but valuable moments nandor wants to have with guillermo that he possibly won't get now

BUT ALL OF THAT IS UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT LASZLO TELLS THEM WHY HE NEEDS A LIST OF THINGS VAMPIRES DO

it's also possible laz just asks them and doesn't tell them why or comes up with an excuse

my original theory of nandor just thinking they're testing myths could still stand

nandor could also just wanna spend more time with guillermo even if he has no idea what they're doing just cause he misses spending all his time with him and is still worried he's growing distant ever since the crate incident and freddie fuck fest

idk it's 4 am I should really be heading to bed 😅

SIDE NOTE SINCE I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO PUT IT INTO ITS OWN POST

I personally think this scene will be a moment where guillermo thinks about telling nandor about the whole derek thing but for one reason or another (something nandor says, not know how he'll react, feeling bad etc etc) he doesn't tell him and instead just wishes him a good night

like that's the face of a man who's about to say something but instead says something else to not hurt anyone (IDK COULD JUST BE ME)

[vampireshmampire]

The Things We Can't Take Back 1/4

Summary: Guillermo finally, finally gets turned into a vampire, but it doesn't really go the way he expected. Now that he's a vampire everyone is treating him differently, but not in a good way. Everyone seems tense and angry, and Nandor will barely look at him. He's not sure what he did wrong, or if he's the one who did something wrong.

What does everyone else know that he doesn't?

--

Nandor glances at the camera briefly, and then away. His lips are pressed tightly together, his entire body tensed up, ready to lash out or take a blow or run or all three at once. He pulls on a pair of gloves, his movements jerky and abrupt.

"Guillermo, come here!" he calls.

Nandor tugs at the edges of the gloves, flexing his fingers. He pulls himself up, drawing his shoulders back and sticking out his chin, expression imperious and stern to the point of being cold.

A moment passes, with no sign of his familiar.

"Guillermo!" he bellows.

Guillermo arrives a few seconds later, slightly flushed and out of breath, still wearing the bright yellow rubber gloves he wears when he is cleaning.

"Sorry," he says, "I was on the other side of the house."

His eyes flick over the room, and he grows wary. Nandor's hands tighten into fists at his sides.

"Is...everything okay?" Guillermo asks.

"It is fine," Nandor says. His voice is the same as his expression, stern and cold. "Come over here please." Nandor gestures to spot directly in front of him. The camera shifts to the other side of the coffin.

"What's going on?" Guillermo asks, warily, as he joins his master.

"I have decided to make you a vampire."

Guillermo's whole face lights up in joyful disbelief, uncertainty forgotten entirely. Nandor's expression doesn't change, but he--somehow--manages to tense up further.

"Really?"

"Yes. Now."

"Now--Like, right now, right now--?"

Nandor puts one hand on Guillermo's left shoulder. The other goes on the top of Guillermo's head and tilts it to the side. Guillermo's eyes go wide; he fumbles with the rubber gloves.

"Wait, let me--"

"Hold still," Nandor orders, and bites him.

Whatever Guillermo was going to say cuts off short with a little hiccup. His hands, still in the yellow gloves, rise up, automatically grabbing onto Nandor for balance. Nandor lets out a noise of irritation and shoves them away. Nandor's eyes are squeezed tightly shut, but Guillermo's eyes are wide--awed or stunned, it is difficult to say. He blinks hard a few times, tries to swallow, and winces. Nandor lets out another irritated noise.

"Sorry," Guillermo manages.

Nandor releases Guillermo with hands and fangs at the same time, so suddenly the man wobbles slightly.

"I--" Guillermo begins, but stops when Nandor shoves an ornately decorated chalice at him.

"Drink."

Guillermo finally manages to yank the gloves off, tossing them aside. He takes the cup reverently in both hands, staring at is as if it's the holy grail--and in a way, it is. He looks up at Nandor, eyes over-bright.

"Thank--"

"Drink. If you wait too long, it doesn't count and we have to do it all over again."

Guillermo lifts the goblet to his lips. Nandor watches him, heedless of the blood smeared around his own mouth, his expression unreadable, though there is a hungry light in his eyes. Guillermo empties the chalice without pause, taking long gulps and tilting his head back as he catches the last dregs of the grizzly contents.

He lowers the cup, and then lowers his head, and opens his eyes. They flash silver in the light for a moment before returning to their normal brown. He is breathing hard, and the cup trembles in his hands. A smile spreads over his face, so wide and so bright. Nandor looks away.

"I can, I can feel it," he says. "Master, I--"

"I am not your master anymore," Nandor says, tersely. "You will call me by my name."

"Nandor," Guillermo says, as if tasting the word in his mouth. He doesn't seem to notice that the vampire flinches at the sound. "Thank y--"

"Stay near a bed, or a chair," Nandor interrupts once more, not looking at Guillermo as he takes the chalice from his unresisting hands. "So that you do not fall over when you start to die. It is very unpleasant."

Without another word, he sweeps out of the room.

The room seems suddenly very large and empty with just Guillermo in it. He raises a hand and absentmindedly wipes the blood from the corners of his lips. His gaze catches the camera, and he gives the crew a confused shrug.

--

"I'm happy. Of course I feel happy, my lifelong dream has literally come true." Guillermo smiles, but it is a little weak at the edges, his joy slightly stifled. "It just wasn't really what I expected. I think it's just that it was so sudden, and then it was over so fast, so I haven't really had time to process." He nods, as if reassuring someone. "Yeah.That's probably it."

He picks at his sweater. Adjusts his glasses. Scratches at the dried blood on his neck.

"Plus I'm dying, and it's way more unpleasant than I was expecting."

--

Nandor has relocated to the library, the door firmly shut. The chalice sits ignored on a low table. Nandor's shoulders are hunched, his expression somewhat guilty.

"I do not want to talk right now," he mutters at the camera, dabbing at his face with a handkerchief. The fabric is red, and the blood has dried a little, and he is having a hard time telling whether or not he's gotten it all off.

"Nandor, have you seen Nadja?" Laszlo calls, opening the door. "She was--"

Nandor looks up, startled, and then hurriedly turns away. Laszlo's eyes dart from Nandor to the cup and back.

In a strained, soft voice, Laszlo says "Would've thought you'd have learned your lesson by now."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nandor says, not turning around.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about," Laszlo says, in that same voice. "You said--"

"I know what I said!"

"--and I quote!" Laszlo thunders, voice suddenly very loud, "'I will never. Make. This mistake. Again'!"

"I know what I said!" Nandor snarls. "It is none of your fucking business!"

Laszlo strides across the room and jabs Nandor in the chest.

"It damn well is my business, you tit. You think I enjoy watching you make an idiot of yourself every hundred years?"

"You think I care what you enjoy?"

"You can't keep doing this to yourself!"

"What the hell are you two shouting about?" Nadja demands, appearing in the doorway.

Laszlo snatches up the chalice, Nandor half a second too slow to stop him, and brandishes it like evidence at a murder trial.

Nadja shuts the door very carefully behind her.

"Last time wasn't bad enough?" she asks. Though her words are harsh, her tone is almost gentle.

"It's already done," Nandor snaps. "I am not going to stand here and get yelled at more about this. It is my decision to make, and I made it!"

"I'll just go put the word out you're looking for a new familiar then, shall I?" Laszlo says, acidly. "Single vampire seeks good human, preferably one not so endearing--"

"Laszlo!" Nadja snaps, then raises her hands and drops them despairingly. "Alright, let's hear it. Tell us how this time will be any different."

Nandor bares his fangs at them.

"I do not need to explain anything to you," he says, bitterly. Nadja lets out a loud sigh of exasperation.

"Which means you don't know, because you didn't think it through, again--"

Somewhere in the house, Guillermo throws up, and the sound makes it to the room.

"Shit," Nandor mutters. He rushes out of the room, pointedly not looking at either of his housemates. Nadja opens her mouth, but gives up. She and Laszlo give each other despairing looks. For a moment, they do nothing.

Finally, Laszlo says "...where were you?"

"I was up in the attic. Where were you?"

"In the basement."

"Next time we should specify what 'let's fuck at the end of the house' means."

"Agreed."

--

Nandor raps his knuckles frantically against the bathroom door.

"Guillermo?"

"I'm okay," is the weary response. "Just a sec."

The toilet flushes. The sink runs. The vaguely musical sound of gargling, then spitting.

At last the door opens.

Guillermo does not look good. He is ashen and trembling, with deep bags already ringing his bleary eyes.

"I'm okay," he says again. It is even less believable than last time.

"What happened?" Nandor asks, sharply.

"Oh, I uh. Had a bit of a moment," Guillermo says, with a sheepish grin, and taps the side of his head. "I figured I was dizzy because of the blood loss, so I should eat something. I didn't realize the whole 'can't eat or drink' thing kicks in that fast."

Nandor frowns.

"You should be more careful," he says, admonishingly.

"Yeah, lesson learned," Guillermo agrees. "Hey, do you want to play chess, or something? I'm getting kind of psyched out, just sitting around waiting to die."

Nandor looks very much like he wants to refuse, but eventually says "Fine."

Guillermo's smile gets a little tight at that, but his voice is cheerful as he says "Great. I'll get the board set up."

--

"Maybe...maybe we should play checkers instead," Guillermo says, weakly. He has his head braced in both hands, head drooping ever closer to the table. "How long does the dying part last?"

"Your heart sounds very weak," Nandor says, stiffly. "I do not think you will last the night."

"Oh, good. Cause I'm really ready for this part to be over."

Nandor stands abruptly. Guillermo blinks up at his former master. It takes a few seconds for his eyelids to close, and a few more for them to open.

"Come," Nandor says, taking Guillermo's arm and pulling him to his feet. "You should lie down."

"Okay," Guillermo says, and allows himself to be led to his little room. He collapses onto his bed with a heavy groan, throwing an arm over his eyes. "It's so bright in here."

Nandor hurriedly turns the light off. The sudden change makes Guillermo look up. He smiles.

"Thanks."

Nandor opens his mouth to say something, and then doesn't. He starts to reach out and changes his mind halfway, turning the motion into an awkward wave.

"Bye," he says, and backs away.

"Can you stay?" Guillermo's voice is weak and quiet but it freezes Nandor in his tracks all the same. "I don't...I don't really want to die alone." Guillermo says it with a grin, but it's a shaky, pallid thing that doesn't hide his nervousness.

Nandor sits stiffly on the edge of the bed, resting his hands on either side of himself, fingers digging into the mattress. Awkward silence sinks over them.

"Ma--Nandor. Thank you," Guillermo says, suddenly. Nandor grimaces, but with his back to Guillermo his discomfort is unseen. "Really. I...Everything you've done for me--"

"Just rest, Guillermo."

Guillermo tentatively slides his hand across the bed to where Nandor's is resting on the mattress. As soon as their fingers brush, Nandor hurriedly puts his hands on his knees, out of reach. Hurt lingers on Guillermo's face, but quickly his expression goes slack as his breathing becomes more and more ragged.

"See you on the other side, I guess," Guillermo says, once more trying for humor. Something in Nandor seems to break, and at last he turns to look at Guillermo. He puts his hand on his familiar's shoulder and squeezes gently. His expression is reassuring, almost tender.

"You are going to make a very good vampire, Guillermo."

Guillermo's lips twitch into an almost-smile. His eyes slide shut, and he lets out a sudden heavy sigh.

He does not breathe in again.

Nandor watches him for a while, hand still on his shoulder. Then he turns away, curls in on himself, buries his hands in his hair. The camera lingers on the sight, and then goes dark.

[nellie-elizabeth]

What We Do in the Shadows: Sunrise, Sunset (4x10)

The finale already. This season zipped right by!

Cons:

I honestly felt pretty underwhelmed by this finale, I think because it was focused on the Colin plot, which was ultimately not super successful in my opinion. I get it, he's an angsty teenager now... and then he becomes a full adult and resumes being Colin Robinson, seemingly with no memory of his year being raised by Lazlo. I guess if I describe this scenario, it's kind of funny, but seeing it play out just didn't really make me smile all that much. I am happy to have adult Energy Vampire Colin Robinson back in our lives, though, he really is such a funny part of the show and I'm thinking I might enjoy him again in season five now that we're through the gauntlet.

The night club has officially failed, with Nadja's last terrible idea being to burn it to the ground to get the insurance money, only to discover she doesn't have insurance, and only her office, the room with her secret stash of embezzled money, has burned, the rest of the club untouched because of the blood sprinklers. There were some funny moments here that I'll get to, but again I felt a little underwhelmed.

Just, as an overall statement about this finale... at the end of last week's review I praised the fact that we'd left our characters in dire straights, each of them having lost something that had been their focus all season. This finale continued that, truly setting things back into the familiar patterns we saw all the way back in season one of the show. Nandor's not married, Lazlo's not trying to be a father, Nadja doesn't own a club, Guillermo is single and aimless. And this, of course, is the point. It's stated in the episode, Guillermo laments it.

But the thing is, a story about how things are stagnant is... still a stagnant story. I remember when this season started I had been looking forward to seeing Guillermo and Nadja's antics overseas, the gang split up, new settings and new faces. And then no, we pretty quickly reverted to the status quo, and this season has been about small developments starting to happen, and then all of those developments just going away. So I'm left feeling like this whole season was just treading water, after several of the characters specifically and actively wished for it to change. It's odd, because I think what I'm picking up on is exactly what the show was going for, but that doesn't mean I totally liked it.

The final beat for Guillermo being that he's finally going to become a vampire is great, and I hope we see that happen next season, or maybe it's temporary or he finds out his blood means he can't be changed, but I hope shenanigans ensue from that. At the same time, I worry that what we'll get will be another reset with no real forward motion. There's only so long a show like this can sustain itself under its own momentum, you know?

Pros:

Obviously there were still plenty of funny moments. I loved Guillermo and Lazlo's parenting scenes, especially when they were teamed up together as Colin's two dads. Colin finding the secret entrance and learning the truth of his original life from meticulous diaries was also a good bit. The insurance thing, Nadja literally burning money in her effort to get a payout she was never eligible for, I loved that. Also seeing how the nightclub went downhill, hosting bachelorette parties and kid's birthdays before the end. Nandor's ineffective methods of talking to surly teen Colin Robinson. Colin having a play date with the kids he'd comically outgrown. All very fun.

(And the singing of "Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof was a nice touch, that did make me smile.)

Also, I do like this as an end point for Guillermo for the season, the way he's refusing to sit back and just let life keep happening to him. As an audience member, you want it to matter, that Nandor hurt Guillermo. You want him to pay penance, to apologize, to realize the depth of his wrong. But Nandor is a vampire. He's just going to spend a couple measly decades reading books, and it doesn't matter to him, because he doesn't conceive of time in the same way humans do. So yeah, I do love that Guillermo has finally had enough, even if I'm not sure how this will actually manifest in any meaningful dynamic shifts moving forward.

In all, I think last week's bonkers and very polarizing episode made this one feel tame by comparison. And tame isn't exactly the note I want to leave on with a season finale. Remember season three's ending, how wild it was, how everything was going to change? Well, here we are. I'm still excited to watch season five, this show still makes me smile every week in numerous ways big and small. But yeah, honestly, I found this finale pretty lackluster.

6.5/10 

[chelsfic]

Leftovers - Part 11 - Nandor the Relentless x Reader Fanfic

For Previous Parts: WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: Guillermo shows off some of his cool, new vampire powers and the reader tags along on a hunt. What could go wrong?

A/N: DON’T @ ME ABOUT THE PATRIOTS DIG! I’m from New England! It’s finnnnneee. Also, previously I said this might be the final chapter. It’s not. There’s one more to come after this.

Warnings: Peril!, Blood drinking

---

“So...what’s it like!?”

You’re sprawled across your bed watching Guillermo stand in front of the full-length mirror amusing himself by picking up various knickknacks from your bureau and making them float in the reflection. He’s dressed as he usually is: a pair of khaki slacks, a button down shirt and a thick, striped sweater on top. The one adjustment he’s made to his wardrobe is the addition of a black leather duster that’s currently folded at the foot of your bed. Very Spike.

He turns to you with a wide grin, his newly minted fangs on full display.

“It’s...wonderful!” he gushes, coming to sit by you on the bed. “I can fly! I can turn into a bat! And did I tell you I worked out my special vampire power!?”

“Guillermo! Show me!” You sit up, bouncing the mattress excitedly.

“Okay, okay!” He glances around your room for a second, his eyes darting from your cluttered bureau to your overflowing closet to the floor that’s littered with laundry. He raises his hands and does a little flourish. Suddenly your discarded clothes are floating through the air, folding and neatly stacking themselves, the objects on your bureau are rearranging and tidying themselves and your closet is swallowing up the overflowing clutter. 

“Oh...my...g--” you stop yourself just in time and throw him an apologetic look. “--gosh! Your secret weapon is housekeeping!?”

Guillermo gives you a deadpan look as he corrects, “Telekinesis!”

“That’s...so...awesome! Guillermo! You’re like Matilda!” 

If he could, Guillermo would be blushing under your praise. As it is he’s smiling wide enough to dimple his cheeks. 

“Guillermo!” Nandor’s voice booms through the house. “Are you ready to come hunting with us?”

---

Nandor grumbles about taking you along hunting. But when you hint that you don’t want to be left alone with just Colin Robinson for company--and Nandor spots Colin sneakily setting up his Scrabble board--he...relents. He’s been doing a lot of that lately and he’s secretly very worried about word getting round the vampire community. So, he pretends that it is his idea.

“Yes, we should take the human with us. For cammy flogs,” he nods knowingly into the camera.

“Cam...camouflage, master?” Guillermo suggests, his eyes narrowed in confusion. 

“As I said, Guillermo!” Nandor snaps, irritably. “Let us away to sate our dark appetites!”

With you tagging along the vampires are forced to walk to the park and there’s a good deal of complaining going on even from your steadfast booster, Nadja. 

“Sorry, guys,” you honestly do feel a little bad, especially since you can tell Guillermo is itching to stretch his wings, so to speak. “But, hey! Maybe you’ll run into someone on the way who looks good to eat?”

Nadja sniffs petulantly, “Now that we are forced to acquire our own meals every evening because Guillermo has shirked his duties!”

Even Nadja’s entitled griping can’t drag down Guillermo’s ecstatic mood. He’s almost floating with happiness--no, he’s actually floating, you note that his feet are several inches off the ground.

“I’m not a familiar anymore, Nadja!” Guillermo explains for the umpteenth time. “You guys are lucky I’m still doing so much of the cleaning with my special vampire power.”

Nandor stalks beside you, his long cape billowing out dramatically in his wake. He bares his fangs and interrupts, “Well...let’s not be too hasty, Guillermo. You’re still kind of my familiar...my servant...my...cool...vampiric...underling…”

He trails off as you dart a warning glance in his direction.

“What!?” he whines, shrugging his broad shoulders with a nervous grin. “Someone needs to do the dusting and help me with my hair!”

“Don’t worry, master,” Guillermo sighs, not without affection. “I’ll still take care of you. We’re a family now!”

You feel like your heart might burst and you clutch your hands together and gush over how sweet that is, even as your boyfriend hisses and grimaces in distaste. 

“Guillermo!” you skip over to him, tugging on the long leather coat and making grabby hands. “Piggy back ride!”

He nods with a laugh. You jump up onto his back, squealing in delight as he glides above the concrete. 

“Don’t go too high!” you whisper into his ear, fisting your hands into the leather of his jacket. 

“Hey, be careful there!” Nandor grouses. “Guillermo, control your baby vampire bloodlust! If you eat my girlfriend I’m going to be really annoyed!”

You roll your eyes but send a smile in Nandor’s direction all the same. As Guillermo would say, he has a funny way of showing he cares.

Guillermo’s still effortlessly lugging you around when you enter the darkened paths of the park. There are a few late night joggers about, some homeless people and couples walking arm in arm. Your group splits up, so as to attract less attention. Nadja and Laszlo go off together and Nandor sticks with you and his new fledgling. 

“Help me pick someone out who looks kind of...villainous…” Guillermo says to you over his shoulder. He’s still coming to terms with taking human life.

“Sure,” you chirp, scanning the park for a likely victim. This is part of the reason why you wanted to tag along tonight. Not just to see your newly vamped friend in action. But...to see if you can deal. “How ‘bout that guy? He’s wearing a Patriots jersey. He must be at least a little evil…”

Guillermo snorts, but his eyes track the fellow with a hungry gleam.

“His face is...really red,” he mutters under his breath, baring his fangs and practically drooling with blood lust.

“Human,” Nandor says, coming up behind you and lifting you off Guillermo’s back. “Time to get away from the hungry vampire now.”

He sets you down in front of him, wrapping his arms around you and shielding you from the chilly night air with his cape. You both watch as Guillermo transforms into a bat, gliding soundlessly over to the man and then taking his human form right behind him. He drags him behind a nearby bush. The whole thing takes seconds and they’re almost entirely obscured from view except for the man’s kicking legs. 

“Wow…” you whisper, suddenly feeling very frail and very human. “That was...so quick!”

Nandor tightens his arms around you and leans down to whisper in your ear, “Soon, my little human. Soon you will conquer the nights with us! In the blinks of the eye it will be your turn…”

He drifts off and you crane your neck around to see that his eyes are trained on the shuddering bush, his mouth open in hunger as he subconsciously reaches out. 

“Nandor… It’s okay if you want to go take a bite. I’ll be fine,” you offer, edging out of his arms. 

“Just a quick…” he mutters and then he’s flying forward faster than you track with your human eyes.

You creep closer to the bush, not willing to stand out in the open like a baby gazelle in a park that is apparently a vampire hunting ground. Guillermo and Nandor are hunched over on either side of their victim. The sound effects they’re making as they tear into the man’s throat are not...all together without their charm. Sure, the squelching, liquid suction of their feasting is kind of gross, but Nandor’s deep, feral growls stir something inside of you. You find yourself fantasizing about kissing those bloodstained lips…

“Hey, boo. Long time, no munch.”

The familiar voice comes out of nowhere. Faster than you can react--faster, even, than Nandor and Guillermo can pull away from their meal--you’re grabbed from behind and suddenly launched into the air, soaring into the night sky over the park. 

“What the shit!” Nandor shouts from below.

At first you flail your limbs out madly, shrieking and clawing at the hands on your shoulders. But when you finally catch a glimpse at the retreating ground below you, and realize how high up you are, your body goes slack. You desperately clutch the wrists of the vampire holding you and slam your eyes shut against the dizzying sight of your legs dangling, suspended hundreds of feet above the ground.

“She said she wanted to join the club--mile high! I said, that’s easy girl, I can fly! One quick thing, though, ur gonna die…”

The vampire twists you around until you’re front to front, but you keep your eyes stubbornly shut. Tears leak out as you whisper, “Don’t drop me, don’t drop me, don’t drop me…”

“Count fucking Rapula!” Nandor’s voice suddenly tears through the sky and you dare to open your eyes, craning your neck around to see him with Guillermo, Laszlo and Nadja all floating in mid-air behind you. 

Rapula--you guess that’s his name?--shifts your body around casually like you’re nothing more than a bag of potatoes. Now he’s holding you under only one arm so he can point dramatically at your vampires.You let out a whimper and cover your face with your hands to block out the view of the ground beneath you.

“Nandy? The...Remorseful? Is that it?”

Nandor growls and lunges forward but Laszlo puts out his forearm to keep him back.

“Careful there, old chap. He’s the only thing standing between our roller warrior and the ground below!” Laszlo turns to Rapula, “Now, I say, unhand our human thrall, Count Rapuleeeehh!”

There’s a beat of silence during which you hear nothing but the sound of the wind whipping around you. Rapula’s arm on you tenses momentarily as he answers, “Whatever you want, old-timer…”

And then you’re falling. 

And screaming.

And falling some more.

Until suddenly you’re not falling anymore. But instead of the solid, final impact you expect, you find yourself landing in a pair of outstretched arms. Nandor cradles you to his chest, his grip on you is borderline painful but you’re not about to ask him to loosen it. You snake your arms around his neck, burying your face into his shoulder and holding on like your life depends on it. Because, well...it does.

He says your name, softly at first and then more insistently, “Okay! Okay! You can stop shouting now! I’ve got you.”

You didn’t even realize you were shouting until his words break through and you snap your mouth closed, subsiding into tiny whimpers as he floats back up to join the other vampires. 

“WE’RE GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR DANGLY BITS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASSHOLE!”

You’ve never felt more appreciative of Nadja’s hyper aggression. Guillermo and Laszlo are restraining Rapula between them and Nadja hovers before them, clawing her nails down the leech’s face as she unleashes her unholy diatribe.

Rapula’s bravado has melted away and he’s begging in a soprano squeak, “I didn’t know she was under anybody’s protection! You shoulda put a label on her or somethin--”

Laszlo turns to Nandor with raised brows, “That is true, Nandor. You were meant to write your name and the date on her with the marker pens. We might have avoided a lot of bullshit if you’d followed your own rules for once.”

“Shut up, Laszlo!” Nandor, Nadja and Guillermo all cry out at once.

“Master, why don’t you take Smash home? We’ve got this situation in hand,” Guillermo suggests, he pats his leather duster and you spot the end of a sharp wooden stake sticking out of his pocket. Seems like a bit of a hazard for a vampire to be walking around with one of those…

Nandor scoffs, “No! I will be the one to do the avenging. Guillermo, fly home and fetch my head-ripping gloves!”

The other three vampires look skeptical and you peek up at Nandor with a pleading look.

“Please, Nandor. I just want to go back to the house. And the ground, back to the ground, please.”

Nandor looks from you to the group with an obvious frown. Finally, he sighs dramatically.

“Very well, human! Yeesh, you’re really ruining my reputation over here,” he complains but there’s no heat in the words. He turns back to the other vampires. “After everything that happened with the Council. I think it’s probably best if we refrain from killing him. Simply dismembering him and scattering the parts in the ocean will be sufficient, alright? I’ll see you all at home.”

With that matter-of-fact proclamation, Nandor tightens his arms around you and soars away, gradually descending into the park until he touches down smoothly into the grass. 

“We’re on the ground, my human,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “Do you want to walk or you want to do the pig ride like you did with Guillermo?”

You huff a laugh and look up at him with a coy smile, “You’d really give me a piggyback ride? Even if it made you look silly?”

Nandor glances around at the empty park as if he expects a panel of judges on vampiric coolness to pop out from behind a tree. He looks back at you with an abashed grin. 

“I will do it. Although I never look silly. Now come on.”

He slings you onto his back and rises onto his toes until he’s gliding just above the ground.

“Wee!” you squeal, throttling his neck in your excitement. It’s...exhilarating to feel so safe and happy after nearly dying--again.

Nandor glides the whole way home, casually hypnotizing passersby so that they ignore the odd, floating man and the cackling girl straddling his back. When you finally make it back to the house he pauses at the door, depositing you onto your feet and looking down at you with a hesitant expression.

“My human,” he begins, drawing out the last syllable as he searches for words. “I know that you wanted to wait a while before your unholy transition. But I was thinking...maybe we better get it over with before you...accidentally get eaten or dropped from the sky or something.”

You snort at his wording before your face turns more serious and you admit, “You...might be right.”

“Is that a yes?” Nandor asks with a hopeful sparkle in his dark eyes.

You look up at him and for a moment your head spins as you contemplate how far you’ve come. You went from victim to thrall to roommate to lover to...well, what exactly will this mean for you two?

“Nandor...Nadja turned Laszlo into a vampire and now they’re married. Does that mean this is, like, a proposal?”

Nandor’s face blanches in surprise and his eyes go shifty as he answers, “A proposal to eat up all your yummy yummy blood and replace it with some of my own thereby turning you into an immortal vampire, yes.”

You shimmy back and forth on your feet playfully as you prod him further, “And then…? What comes next after that?”

“And then…” Nandor echoes, “we will see.”

You laugh at your goofy vampire and walk ahead of him into the house. 

“Alright...you make a good point. So...tomorrow night?”

Nandor’s mouth splits into a wide, vicious grin as he answers, “Tomorrow night.”

---

A/N: There’s one more chapter to come! I thought this was going to be the final one but--the demons demanded otherwise!

Tags:

@festering-queen​ @kandomeresbitch​ @strangestdiary​ @glitterportrait​ @scuzmunkie​ @redwoodshadows​ @sarasxe​ @rileyomalley​

[diamondcitydarlin]

okay so coming back after watching the ep (several times now because...MAN that was a good episode) and getting the exact quote/context, Nandor says, “I treated Guillermo like a son” and...yeah, I mean, that’s pretty accurate, right? Specifically, he’s treated him like a 3 yr old son with all the capabilities and expectations therein because Nandor is constantly putting boundaries between them and underestimating him and they both kind of work to keep this illusion for the sake of Nandor’s ego that Guillermo is an idiotic, incapable, weak little babyman that Nandor either scolds or coddles, depending on the situation, even though that’s not the reality of who Guillermo is or who Nandor is or even the dynamic of their relationship, whether either of them realizes/wants to accept this or not. I go into more depth about that on this post

But I have more to say about this dynamic now, having watched the episode and seen them in this ‘high drama’ situation lol.

What I find especially interesting about their dynamic in this episode is that we’re starting to see some glimpses of the fact that both of them are aware, at least on a level they can’t quite deal with face-to-face, that their relationship goes a lot deeper than master-servant or, as Nandor likes to characterize/treat things, as father-child lol. 

Like, when the ‘break up’ happens, their attitude face-to-face is this cold, forced professionalism. ‘Ok go do it then’ ‘Alright sounds good, thanks for teaching me so much’, like Guillermo’s just left some job he barely cares about for a better salary or something, nothing personal, it’s just business. It’s only when they’re NOT looking at each other that Guillermo starts crying and Nandor mumbles ‘you’re being stupid’, but doesn’t have the guts to say that to him directly in the moment. It’s only when they’re talking to the producers individually that they both get viscerally angry about this in their own respective ways. Guillermo’s mad that Nandor didn’t fight harder to keep him and make this right and he’s honest about that; Nandor makes it about Guillermo not being grateful enough, once again infantilizing him into this spoiled child in his head, because FACING THE FACT THAT THIS WAS HIS (NANDOR’S) FAULT IS TOO MUCH FOR HIS EGO TO BEAR. That’s where we get the whole ‘like a son’ thing; Nandor thinks that should be enough, that he’s ‘treated him like a son’, like how dare Guillermo act like it isn’t sufficient, but...it isn’t. For some reason, being treated ‘like a son’ (specifically, a very, very young one that isn’t potty trained) is ill-fitting, inappropriate and not enough for whatever is going on between them. Interesting. It’s almost as if this dialogue was chosen to show just how wrong a qualifier it is for their dynamic, whatever it is, because Nandor is wrong, and what’s more, stupid. For a character dynamic where seeing the other one like a father, and one like an adoptive child, was appropriate and fitting, there wouldn’t be a problem. And there still is a problem. Even after this episode, let’s be honest. These two are constantly dancing around something neither of them wants to acknowledge. 

So, we’re really starting to see where and what the barriers are in this dynamic, and they mostly concern Nandor’s frail, but stubborn ego, but Guillermo has a bit of that same brand of pride too, it just manifests differently. Guillermo clams up and pretends things that affect him deeply don’t really, and doesn’t give an inch unless Nandor makes an effort. Guillermo’s also been content for a very, very long time to let Nandor live in his own world where Guillermo is stupid and babyish and Nandor is the smart, mature one. We’ve already seen this isn’t the case. In essence, they’re both very, very stubborn and committed to their own ideas of how ‘things should be’. 

And the longer Nandor goes not making good on his promise to Guillermo (even as he says he will), the more this thing they’re dancing around and the illusion game they play is going to be strained. It can only go on so long before the dam -really- breaks and they’re both going to be forced to deal with the real shit simmering under the surface. 

So, we’re left with some questions now; Why won’t Nandor just turn Guillermo? For right now both of them are content with the explanation that they work well together as master/servant and serve no other purpose in each other’s lives, but there’s more than that. There obviously is. They’re both going to have to deal with the eventual truth of why Nandor is so determined to keep Guillermo in his life, at all costs. They’re also going to have to deal with why Guillermo is so devoted to him, despite everything; even when he got a ‘better offer’ from who he thought was a ‘real’ vampire, his REAL hope was that it would just spur Nandor into making more of an effort, Guillermo didn’t really want to leave. Even then. 

Alright, I think I’ve rambled enough for one post. I have more to say but I think I’d end up writing a very directionless dissertation and I think I need to maybe...watch the ep again and try to organize my thoughts lmao. Anyway, love this ep, and I LOVE that they gave us a better grasp on what’s going on here and where the cracks in the foundation REALLY lie. 

[nandoor]

10 (and, if you feel like it, 21) for Guillermo?

10) Fears/phobias

Death--yes, hear me out tho; i think it’s specifically interesting for guillermo. 

what else would drive the desire to live forever other than a fear of death/dying? & i do think a healthy dose of fear around death is actually good for everyone... bc we often use fear as a guide to our actions. 

this is gonna be a really, really weird analogy, but bear w/ me: so one of the first things a firefighter in training needs to learn is to stamp down the natural fear of fire. when you see flames bursting through the windows of a house, your gut reaction would probably be to run away bc we all know fire = dangerous. 

sometimes all it takes is exposure, bc if something can become familiar, it tends to lose its ‘scariness’ to some degree. there are some people that never get over this tho & need to pursue a different career, of course, but i digress. in the same way, there’s certain aspects of death that elicit an immediate fight or flight response. for example, the smell of rot/decay. decomposed tissue has a distinct smell & i do genuinely think it’s almost impossible to get used to. it smells wrong, sour, a scent that clings to you long after you’ve put the body away. hence why guillermo gags/gets sick despite having been burying bodies for 10+ yrs. just like the heat of a fire makes us want to flee, the stench of death is often enough to stimulate the same neurological circuit that contributes to fear. 

this is all to say that guillermo isn’t necessarily afraid of the physiological aspects of death (i.e., the rotting, decomp, being buried in a hole, etc.), but the psychological aspects. the way that death will always be a premature ending. a loss of choice. grief. confusion. so yes, maybe guillermo is afraid of death--but it’s less of a fear of what happens after death and instead, a fear of what death will take from you, how you can never be prepared for it, how there will always be a you-shaped void in the world after your passing, the ripples extending far beyond anything you could imagine. 

Drowning--so guillermo seems oddly fine w/ heights given that he was dropped by nandor in s1 but still willingly flies up in the air with him in 2x08... bc otherwise a fear of falling/heights would make sense in canon... like y’know, ouch. 

drowning, however, would be the next best possible canon fear/phobia after 2x01. i do imagine guillermo, ever so often, looks at the tiny little pond in the middle of the backyard & wonders what would have happened if nandor hadn’t been there to rescue him. perhaps he takes a wider berth than necessary whenever he has to pass the pond. perhaps he feels a shiver every time he stands in the spot where he almost died, wondering if he would have been buried in the backyard like any other corpse. 

either way, the pond becomes a reminder of his own mortality, of how close he came to having wasted a decade of his life chasing after a dream, only to nearly lose it to a zombie who was in life (and death) a shitty familiar. 

21) Turning points in their life

meeting nandor of course! if he hadn’t, then he’d probably be manager at panera bread rt now... or maybe not. maybe he would have just come into his powers as a descendant of van helsing earlier. it’s kinda fun to think abt tbh... if becoming a familiar delayed it or if he could have gone his entire life not knowing that he was a natural vampire killing machine--either way, we can all agree that his time w/ the staten island vamps irrevocably changed him, though for better or for worse is debatable. 

[aion-rsa]

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 6 Review: The Escape

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This What We Do in the Shadows review contains spoilers.

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 6

When the vampires of Staten Island first took their orientation through the offices of the Vampiric Council, they were warned about the room which enclosed the Sire. The first of all vampires, the one whom all vampires are descended from, and whose demise (probably) means the death of them all. You’d think they might do better than stick him in a stone cell in gratitude. But the vampires on What We Do in the Shadows never plan ahead. In season 3, episode 6, they deal with “The Escape “

One of the gifts the vampires of What We Do in the Shadows has is the power to shirk responsibility. Nandor (Kayvan Novak) honed this skill, we learn during the episode, while still a mortal military head of state. Whenever something went wrong on one of his battlefields, he would blame another country and declare war. Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) passes off her avoidance of responsibility as mere forgetfulness. Yes, she knows she was supposed to remind Nandor to feed the Sire, she even wrote a sticky note. But blame? Fault? These are words which get too easily lost in translation.

The Sire’s proper name, written on an ancient scroll as Goéjlrm, takes on a life of its own. Nandor practices pronunciations before facing the undead press, Nadja struggles through its mangling whenever forced. The situation is presented very well as dire, the stakes, always a dangerous topic for immortal bloodsuckers, are higher than any presented by the series before. The very possibility of total vampire extinction. “We’ve had a good run,” Nandor assures the press, who are desperate for solutions from an underwhelmed ruling body.

Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) takes control in the most passive aggressive way. Since his promotion from familiar to bodyguard, it seems Guillermo is only doing twice the work for half the pay. Tonight, when faced with the possibility that Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) doesn’t know where on earth he might find water, glasses and ice, no less, Guillermo turns the screws.

There isn’t a dust-buster yet made which can contain the floating vampire Dark Shade (Kristen Schaal) in this episode. She is all over the place, like a dark cloud at a picnic, guiding ants to the entrée. Tonight, her best moment is introducing Nadja and the audience to The Watchers, who have been silently peering over Manhattan from atop their perch on an old gothic building. These gargoyles have always been there, at least since the building went up. It is interesting how we never see the cameramen and the Watchers at the same time. Yet, they too, are waiting, and watching.

But not gossiping. Apparently immortal beings tasked with being vigilant viewfinders become eternal busybodies. Maybe it’s because they are carved in stone and don’t really get out much. “Quid quo pro, Clarice,” the goyles say as the vampires leave them without any naughty nuggets. It’s also very ambiguously amusing how they treat the vampires when they leave. They talk behind their back with a begrudging respect for the very attitude they are trash talking.

Colin Robinson finally finds a new vein of energy to suck tonight, which has double the impact. He’s been running on empty much of the season, as his energy vampire antics hit their peak when power went to his head in season 2. As the vampires head to Ozone Park, Queens, to hunt the roguish, escaped Sire, Colin’s eyes are positively aglow, and without any need for special effects. Earlier in the evening, he posted to a neighborhood website, asking if anyone noticed anything at all suspicious, and it explodes “into an orgy of racism.”

There is a returning character tonight, who is better left uncovered. Baron Afanas spent the last two years buried alive in the backyard of the vampires’ Staten Island home. Not knowing which way he was tossed into the makeshift grave, he’s been digging sideways the whole time, unsure which way is up. The Baron is an ancient vampire, probably the most ancient after the Sire, which proves vampires do not gain intelligence, nor really retain knowledge, in the long years of their everlasting afterlife. His best bit comes when he thinks he is controlling a vehicle he rides on with his mind. It’s actually being guided by a hand-held control stick Dark Shade is playing with. The fun of the scene is how much glee is packed into four little wheels.

The Sire is actually quite a frightening-looking creature, and the scene where Nadja and Laszlo (Matt Berry) track it in the store builds quite a bit of suspense, with or without a magic flute. The horror of it all lingers well into the punch line. Laszlo looks suitably throttled, luckily by plastic bins, and Nadja is truly both terrified and mortified. In a very short moment, she goes from cajoling and indulging to cringing and crying, only to have it land on the silliest of gags. At least it’s quickly a running gag.

The episode ends on a deliciously upbeat note in the wilds of Nutley, New Jersey, where devil dogs roam free, and dinner is as easy as an ad for an Airbnb. Written by Jake Bender and Zach Dunn, and directed by Yana Gorskaya, “The Escape” is a slight departure for What We Do in the Shadows. The vampires have never been this openly vulnerable, and it is scary how much more comic this makes them.

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What We Do in the Shadows‘ “The Escape” aired Sept. 30 at 10:00 p.m. on FX.

The post What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 6 Review: The Escape appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[swiftsnowmane]

You have such great taste, so I'm coming to you for advice. What are your recommendations for art house Halloween movies?

Oh, what an excellent ask! I absolutely love artistic horror films, but I’m by no means an expert on them. Since I wasn’t sure if I had enough to recommend, I decided to just make a compilation that best exemplifies my personaltastes. Many do not have anything to do with Halloween, and some are not eventechnically ‘horror’ films at all, but are simply films and/or series that Ienjoy watching at this time of year.  :)

Below you will find a widevariety of recommendations, including silent film, film noir, gothic horror,sci-fi and dark fantasy, vampire films, zombie movies, tv series, comedies, parodies, mockumentaries,and my greatest love….folk horror.

Silent film:

- The Cabinet of Dr.Caligari (1920), dir. Robert Wiene – Iconic and a highly-influential silentGerman expressionist film about a creepy ‘doctor’ who hypnotizes a sleep-walker(a ‘sonambulist’) to do his bidding.

- The Phantom Carriage (1921), dir. Victor Sjöström–  On New Year’s Eve, the driver of a ghostly carriage forces a drunken man to look back at his wasted life.

- Häxan (1922),dir. Benjamin Christensen – Fictionalized Swedish-Danish documentary aboutwitches and witchcraft through the ages. Often categorized as folk horror, thisfilm contains evocative visuals and some memorable dramatizations, including a (literally) hysterical ‘nuns gone wild’ sequence. Despite its sensationalism, it is actually quite a sympathetic take on thetragedy of witch hunts, from the medieval era to the contemporary (1920s)treatment of women with mental illnesses.

- The Lodger(1927), dir. Alfred Hitchcock – Considered by critics to be the first true‘Hitchcock’ movie, this silent film is suspenseful, visually entrancing, and surprisingly moving. One of my personal favourites.

Other old movie classics:

- Double Indemnity (1944),dir. Billy Wilder – An insurance man falls for a married woman, and togetherthey begin to plan the murder of her husband. A noir classic, the first tocontain all the elements that would come to define the genre. A favourite ofmine.

- Laura (1944),dir. Otto Preminger – Another filmnoir fave, this time a murder mystery starring the mesmerizing Gene Tierney. Oneof the (many) inspirations for Laura Palmer in Twin Peaks. ‘Not just anotherdead girl,’ indeed.

- The Innocents (1961), dir. - [summary forthcoming]

- The Seventh Seal(1957), dir. Ingmar Bergman – This Swedish existentialist meditation on deathand mortality needs no introduction from me. Not a horror movie per se, but dueto its themes and visuals, it is very haunting all the same.

- Hour of the Wolf(1968), dir. Ingmar Bergman – Another Bergman classic, this time a surrealistpsychological horror-drama. A man lives with his pregnant wife on a remoteisland, and suffers from insomnia. He begins to be plagued by visions of‘demons’ and haunted by images from his past.

- Hitchcock films– Some of my personal faves include TheLady Vanishes (1938), Notorious (1946– noir classic), Spellbound (1945 -worth watching for the stunning surrealist dream sequence designed by SalvadorDali), Rear Window (perhaps not asvisually interesting as my usual picks, but a nostalgic fave that I used towatch with my dad), Psycho (1960 -cliché to list this  one, I know, but Ido  legitimately enjoy this film), Vertigo (1958 - another I used to watchwith my dad), and two of my absolute faves, Rebecca (1940 – see below) and the aforementioned The Lodger (1927).

-Hammer horror (aka British horror of the ‘50s-70s) - you can’t go wrong with the Hammer Dracula series, and/or anything starring Sir Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. -  [summaries forthcoming]

Halloween films:

- Sleepy Hollow(1999), dir. Tim Burton – Fave Tim Burton film. Fave Johnny Depp film. FaveHalloween film. Just fave.

- Trick ‘r Treat(2007), dir. Michael Dougherty  –  Of all the quintessential, straight up‘Halloween’ movies, this anthology horror film is another top pick. It’s justsuch good fun.

- The Crow(1994), dir. Alex Proyas - A list of my personal faves could not be completewithout this fantastical, noir-ish tale of lost love and revenge. A nostalgicclassic.

Other ‘scary movies’:

- Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006 mockumentary), dir. Scott Glosserman  - I’m not all that into *actual* slasher flicks (other than the original Halloween, which still to this day scares the shit out of me), but I’ve always greatly enjoyed this satirical take on the subject. :D

- Return of the Living Dead (1985), dir. Dan O’Bannon – While zombie films aren’t necessarily my fave horror sub-genre either, I can’t help but adore this one. Early Greg Nicotero visual effects on full display. Not to mention the iconic naked dancing in the graveyard scene.

- The Crazies (2010), dir. Breck Eisner – Probably my fave ‘zombie’ film. I use that term loosely as it’s not really about zombies, but it has a similar vibe. This movie immediately pre-dated The W@lking Dead, and now that I can no longer stand to watch that awful show, it has sort of become my preferred ‘version’ of this type of scenario.

Vampire films:

- Vampire Hunter D:Bloodlust (2000), dir. Yoshiaki Kawajiri – With its incredibly rich anddetailed visual design, based on the art of Yoshitaka Amano, and an evocativepost-apocalyptic western/ gothic setting, this classic anime film is along-time fave. When I was younger I wanted to live (and die) inside the aestheticof this film, and to this day it remains my favourite vampire movie. Alsocontains one of my all-time favourite vampire/human romances, the Hades andPersephone-esque Charlotte and Meier.

- Let the Right OneIn (2008), dir. Thomas Alfredson  - Swedishvampire movie. Not the sort of thing you’re probably expecting, either.

- 30 Days of Night(2007), dir. David Slade – One of the few vampire films in which the vampires actually terrified me.

- From Dusk till Dawn(1996), dir. Quentin Tarantino – Over the top action-horror ridiculousness. Myfavourite thing about this film is that it includes a scene of a young girlgetting her white t-shirt splattered with blood. Bethyl fans will understandwhat I mean. ;D

- What We Do In theShadows (2014), dir. Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi – Mockumentary aboutvampires in New Zealand. Probably my fave thing I’ve seen in years. HIGHLYrecommended. :D

Dark fantasy/sci-fi:

- The Company ofWolves (1984), dir. Neil Jordan – A young girl in present day has a feverishdream in which she and her family live in a fairytale forest. After her oldersister is killed by a wolf, she repeatedly dares the dangers of ‘the wood’ tovisit her grandmother. Based on Angela Carter’s tale from The Bloody Chamber, with a screenplay co-written by Carter herself,this film is a must-see for anyone who enjoys a blend of eroticism and horrorin their Little Red Riding Hood tales. Despite the low-budget and cheesy qualityof some of the effects, I totally love this movie. :D

- Brotherhood of theWolf (2001), dir. Christophe Gans – Perhaps not the greatest film evermade, but I have an eternal soft spot for the legend of the Beast of Gévaudan.Not to mention my girl-crush on Monica Bellucci, lol.

- Angel’s Egg (1985) - [summary forthcoming]

- Pitch Black (2000),dir. David Twohy – The other films in this franchise might be more famous, butthe first entry is, imo, a sci-fi horror classic. My favourite part is thedynamic between the ‘boy’ Jack and the notorious criminal, Riddick.

- Pan’s Labyrinth (2006),dir. Guillermo del Toro - In 1940s Spain, a young girl finds escape from thebrutal fascist regime by visiting a labyrinthine underworld full of strange andmagical creatures.

- The Prestige(2006), dir. Christopher Nolan – In late 19th c. London, rival stagemagicians obsessively compete to find the best stage illusion, with strange,and often tragic, results. Not a horror film, but an intense and suspenseful thrillerall the same.

- Solomon Kane(2009), dir. Michael J. Bassett – Based loosely on the classic pulp-fiction stories ofRobert E. Howard (aka, creator of Conan the Barbarian), this film is a mix ofdark fantasy and horror elements. JamesPurefoy and Rachel Hurd-Wood in a SanSan-esque type dynamic. Super cheesy, yes,but such a guilty pleasure, OMG.

Gothic romance/horror (aka, ‘young woman goes to live at manor house and creepy things ensue’ ):

- Jane Eyre (2006BBC miniseries), dir. Susanna White – There are countless adaptations of thisclassic, and all have their merits. While the 2011 Hollywood movie has a higherbudget and some very lovely visuals, for me, nothing tops the version with TobyStephens as Rochester!!

- Northanger Abbey(2007), dir. Jon Jones – My personal fave adaptation of Jane Austen’s gothic horror satire, starring an adorable young Felicity Jones as thewide-eyed, imaginative heroine.

- Rebecca (1940),dir.  Alfred Hitchcock – A self-consciousyoung bride is tormented by the memory of her husband’s late wife. LawrenceOlivier and Joan Fontaine in a visually haunting Hitchcock classic.

- Dragonwyck (1946), dir. Joseph L.Mankiewicz – In the 1840s, a young women from a Connecticut farming community isinvited to the estate of a wealthy patroon.Worth watching for the ever gorgeous Gene Tierney and an extremely attractiveyoung Vincent Price. Such good chemistry!

- The Crimson Petaland the White (2011 BBC miniseries) – Based on the novel by Michael Faber,this is the story of Sugar, a prostitute in 1870s London, and what happens whenshe becomes the mistress of a wealthy soapmaker. At once sensual and deeplyunsettling. Plays heavily on the Victorian theme of ‘the angel in thehouse’.  Highly recommended.

- Crimson Peak(2015), dir. Guillermo del Toro – A culmination of all of the tropes andplotlines from the classics mentioned above (with the most direct nods to Dragonwyck).Guillermo del Toro takes the horror elements that are generally only present asundercurrent in these gothic romance stories and brings them, in all theirgrotesque and terrifying glory, to the surface.

Folk horror:

- The VVitch (2015), dir. Robert Eggers – In 1600’s New England, a puritan family must move from the safety of a settlement to the edge of the wilderness. One of my top favourite folk horror films, ever.  

- A Field in England (2013), dir. Ben Wheatley – Deserters of an English Civil War battle travel through an eerily empty English countryside landscape on a psychedelia-tinged trip. This film is not for everyone, but is visually stunning and ticks many of my personal boxes. HIGHLY recommended for anyone who enjoys alchemical themes and imagery.  A folk horror masterpiece.

- The Wicker Man (1973), dir. Robin Hardy – This iconic film needs no introduction. Features one of my all-time favourite Sir Christopher Lee performances, as the incomparable Lord Summerisle. A must-see for anyone remotely interested in the folk horror genre.

- Witchfinder General(1968), dir. Michael Reeves  –Another 17th century period classic, starring Vincent Price as the villainousMatthew Hopkins, aka the Witchfinder General. While perhaps not as well-belovedfor me as the three listed above, I very much appreciate this film’s settingand overall aesthetic, as well as its absolutely beautiful soundtrack.

- The Devil Rides Out (1968) - [summary forthcoming]

- The Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971)  - [summary forthcoming] 

- Black Death(2010), dir. Christopher Smith - Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, and Carice VanHouten in a supernatural-tinged medieval thriller. Essentially, ‘The Wicker Man’-meets-‘Heartof Darkness’, set to the backdrop of the black plague.

- Apostle (2018) - [summary forthcoming]

Misc/other:

- The Devil’s Whore(2008 miniseries), dir. Marc Munden – Despite the title, this is not actually ahorror movie, but is an exquisitely beautiful romantic period drama, set duringthe English Civil Wars. One of my all-time favourite historical miniseries,ever.

- Flesh + Blood(1985), dir. Paul Verhoeven – Set in Italy in 1501, Rutger Hauer is a leader ofa ruthless band of mercenaries and Jennifer Jason Leigh is the young maiden whobecomes their captive. Not a ‘horror’ film in technical sense, but Verhoeven’stypical bloody visuals and dark themes and tone secure it a place on this list.TRIGGER WARNING: Contains an intenserape scene.  

- Imprint (2007),dir. Michael Linn – Native Americanfolklore-based suspense/thriller. One of the many reasons I love this film isthat it was actually filmed onlocation in South Dakota (you have no idea how many times filmmakers try to pass off California landscapes as ‘SouthDakota’, it’s soo annoying).

- Southern Comfort(1981), dir. Walter Hill - In 1973, a Louisiana Army National Guard squad ontheir weekend maneuvers in rural bayou country antagonize the local Cajunpeople and end up ruthlessly hunted. A southern gothic thriller, with someWicker Man-esque elements.

- Winter’s Bone(2010), dir. Debra Granik – A teenage girl in the rural Ozarks must track downher missing father in order to protect her family. Not a horror film, but aquietly intense thriller.  A personalfave of mine.

- The Revenant (2015), dir. Alejandro González Iñarrítu– [summary forthcoming]

- Wind River (2017), dir. Taylor Sheridan – [summary forthcoming]

- Dunkirk (2017), dir. Christopher Nolan –[summary forthcoming]

- Trollhunter (2010), dir. André Øvredal  – Taking the form of a ‘found footage’ mockumentary, this movie follows filmmakers who set out to capture images of elusive Norwegian trolls

- Ed Wood (1994),dir. Tim Burton – Not a horror film, but rather a biographical comedy-dramabased on the life of the titular B-movie producer. An underrated TimBurton/Johnny Depp classic.

- Clue (1985), dir. Jonathan Lynn - A classic comedy, and one of my all ‘round fave murder mystery movies. No matter how many times I’ve seen it, this infinitely quotable film still makes me laugh, every time.

- The Whisperer InDarkness (2011), dir. Sean Branney  –Independent film, based on H. P. Lovecraft story of the same name. Made with ablend of vintage and modern techniques, intended to evoke the style of filmsfrom the 1930s.

- From Hell (2001),dir. the Hughes brothers – Murder mystery/thriller based on the Alan Mooregraphic novel. Gruesome and memorable interpretation of the unsolved tale ofJack the Ripper.

TV series:

- Ripper Street (2012tv series) – A period-drama procedural set in the aftermath of the Jack theRipper killings in late-Victorian Whitechapel, London. Centers around ChiefDetective-Inspector Reid, who is haunted by his inability to catch the serialkiller, as well as by dark events from his own past. (I only recommend thefirst two seasons, however, as after that the quality of the storylines greatlydecreased, imo).

- The League of Gentlemen(1999 tv series) – Legendary dark comedy/folk horror series created by MarkGatiss, Reece Shearsmith, Steve Pemberton, and Jeremy Dyson. If you enjoy the bizarre and grotesqueside of British humour, look no further. (See also the Christmas Special (set between series 2&3), The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalyse (2005), and the most recent, and incredibly well-done, Anniversary Special (2017)). 

- Psychoville (2009BBC series) - British psychologicalhorror/black comedy sitcom, created by above-mentioned The League of Gentlemen’s Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton. Memorablecharacters include David and Maureen (a hilariously creepy mother and son duo),Mr. Jelly, a grumpy clown who never removes his face paint, and Jeremy thelibrarian, who is tormented by a mysterious nemesis, the Lynchian ‘Silent Singer’.

- Inside No. 9 (2014tv series) – Another excellent show by the evil geniuses that are ReeceShearsmith and Steve Pemberton, this is a series of stand-alone episodes that Ican only describe as ‘short stories on film’, each in sightly different genre. Someare comedic, some are psychological, some homages to famous things, some sad,some bizarre, some are downright terrifying (there is an episode entitled‘The Devil of Christmas’ that was probably the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in a longtime).

- Twin Peaks(1991 tv series), by Mark Frost and David Lynch – Don’t think I even need toexplain why this seminal and endlessly influential show makes the list!

- Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (2012 tv series) – Not remotely scary, or even remotely ‘horror’, this is rather a delightful little romantic period drama about a lady detective in 1920s Melbourne, Australia. Cheesy as hell at times, but worth it for the absolutely delicious chemistry between the two leads.

- Stranger Things (2016 tv series) – The first season is iconic in its own right, and the second season did NOT disappoint. This show is just the right combo of creepiness and comforting nostalgia. Not to mention the wonderfully-written and endlessly endearing cast of characters. I love it so much.  

Currentlywatching:

- Bates Motel (2013tv series) – Started watching this over the summer, and it is extremelywell-made and most definitely creepy and unsettling in every possible way.  I was very impressed so far, but I had totemporarily stop watching because this past summer was a difficult timeemotionally, and I didn’t want to compound things by watching something sopotentially disturbing. I plan to resume it asap, though!

- Project Blue Book (2019 tv series) - [more detailed summary forthcoming] Creepy/mysterious period drama about UFO coverups in the 1950s.

On my ‘still towatch’ list (**updated 08/04/2019):

Kwaidan (1965)

The Love Witch (2016)

Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

The City of the Dead (1960)

The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

Picnic at Hanging Rock 

Penda’s Fen

Robin Redbreast

Tam-Lin (1970)

The Borderlands (2013)

Kill List (2011)  - tried watching this one, but struggled to get through it, tbh

Mullholland Drive (2001)

Penny Dreadful (2014 tv series)

I realize that the majority of these are not ‘art house’ films by any definition, but I hope this list is nonetheless of some interest. If I’ve left out anything essential, it’s probably because it’s either slipped my mind, or I simply haven’t seen it yet. 

Thanks again for the ask – it’s reminded me of some excellent films I hadn’t thought about in a while. :) 

[andrewnstewart]

I’ve got a lot of opinions. Anyone who follows me on Facebook or Twitter or in real life knows this. I constantly want to talk about things that are going on in the world of entertainment, but I need an outlet. That’s what this is for. Every week, I’ll give you my thoughts and impressions on the biggest pieces of entertainment news, from trailers, to promotional images, to breaking news stories. I’ll even provide short reviews or impressions of the things I’m watching, reading, playing, and listening to every week. So sit back, relax, and get swept up in the swirling vortex that is… Opinionado!

Film:

Justice League (Trailer 1)

Whoo boy. Starting off with a doozy, huh? This was probably the most anticipated trailer on the planet. Even before Batman v Superman’s release, fans and critics alike have been wondering “What the hell is that Justice League movie going to look like?” Turns out, the answer is “Like a Zack Snyder film”. It’s got the incoherent action, the muted colors, overall grimy texture, and the copious amounts of slow-mo. The only thing this doesn’t have is Malick-like shots of wonder and Christ imagery. I’ve watched this thing a few times now and tonally it’s just all over the place. The film LOOKS exactly like a sequel to BvS would be expected to look, but they’ve sprinkled in a bunch of “light-hearted” attempts at humor (some of which works and some of which doesn’t) and layered the whole thing in a cheesy, rock-version of The Beatles’ “Come Together” because apparently Beastie Boys’ “Unite” would have been too on the nose. Look, it’s no secret that I’m not a fan of how Warner Bros. and Zack Snyder have handled the DC Extended Universe. I want them to succeed, because I actually like DC Comics and their characters and storylines, but I also want them to fail so that they can just start the whole thing over from scratch and do it the right way. I have no idea if Wonder Woman will be good (although the skeptic in me says to not get your hopes up), but I’m almost positive that Justice League will not be a good film. I hope I’m wrong – I actually like what they’ve done with Aquaman and the Flash, and I think Cavill, Affleck, and Gadot are actually a great central trinity – but man, some parts of this trailer look really bad! Cyborg is just awful on every level (is his costume still rendering?) and the set pieces in this thing just look so dreary. It’s like someone took Return of the King and turned down the saturation. And really, “Come Together”? Damn.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (Trailer 2)

“If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it.” CHILLS. Man, I am so ready for a good Spider-Man movie, and I really hope that’s what this is. It’s not the Marvel film I’m most excited about this year (that honour goes to Thor: Ragnarok), but I’m cautiously optimistic. I think that Tom Holland is a great Peter Parker, and I’m geeking out that Spider-Man will get to be a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I mean, could anyone else sell that “Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man” line the way that Robert Downey Jr. sells it? I don’t think so. I love the whole “John Hughes with superpowers” thing, especially since I just saw the same thing done quite effectively in Power Rangers. We haven’t see much from the extended cast yet (remember that Donald Glover, Martin Starr, Hannibal Buress, Tyne Daly, Kenneth Choi, Tony Revolori, and Logan-Marshall-Green are all in this movie and I think we’ve seen glimpses of maybe2 of them in the two trailers released thus far), but I love the chemistry between Holland’s Peter and Jacob Batalon’s Ned. I’m even excited for the Vulture, and I don’t like the Vulture as a villain. I haven’t been a big fan of any of his iterations, be it revenge-seeking engineer, youth-sucking vampire, acid-spitting mutant or whatever, but I think this works. If anyone can pull this off, it’s Michael “Birdman” Keaton himself, and they’ve actually designed a Vulture suit that looks appropriately badass, especially when paired with that vintage military flight jacket. I’m excited to see where they take this whole thing.

A Ghost Story (Trailer 1)

Every now and then, there are movies that I hear enough good things about that I decide to abstain from watching their trailers. I did this for Arrival, I did it for Split (after seeing the initial trailer), I’m doing it for Colossal, and now I’m going to do it for A Ghost Story. So no, I haven’t watched this trailer yet, but I’m been assured that it’s a good one. Watch it, or don’t. Your choice.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (Trailer 2)

Man, I have no idea what to make of this movie, but I think I love it? It’s like Terry Gilliam, Baz Luhrmann, and Guillermo Del Toro got together to direct a pastiche of Star Wars, Jupiter Ascending, Moulin Rouge, Guardians of the Galaxy, John Carter, The Fifth Element, and Doctor Who. It’s so wacky and colorful and fun. I have absolutely no familiarity with the source material, but even if it fails completely on a plot and/or characters front, I need to see it on the biggest screen possible on opening night.

A Dark Song (Trailer 1)

I don’t have much to say about this one other than, uh, creepy. This looks to be right up my alley. I believe we’re going through a bit of a horror renaissance right now, and this looks like a strong contender to join the ranks of It Follows, The Babadook, The Witch, Get Out, and the rest.

It (Trailer 1)

Nope nope nope nope nope nope NOPE. That was my initial reaction to this trailer. Actually, I think my initial reaction was “holy shit”. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that this looks absolutely terrifying. I’m haunted by the image I saw as a child of a clown in a sewer grate, and this brings that right back to the surface. I get chills watching this thing. I know people are upset that Cary Fukunaga walked away from this project because they wouldn’t let him make the movie he wanted to make, but that doesn’t necessarily damn the movie. We were all upset about Edgar Wright leaving Ant-Man, but that movie turned out great. I’m not saying that Fukunaga’s It wouldn’t have been better, but that doesn’t mean that this one will be bad. Pennywise looks insanely creepy and the movie looks like it has been very well shot. I even kind of want to read the book now, which is insane, because I’m pretty sure it’s like, 8000 pages long.

Tomb Raider (Promo)

I mean, she looks great. That’s my opinion on this. She looks good. That’s really all we know, but it’s a good sign, right?

Sony Is Making Their Own Marvel Cinematic Universe (News)

If you haven’t already heard, this past month, Sony announced plans to release two new comic book movies in 2018 – an R-rated Venom film and a Black Cat/Silver Sable team-up film. If you don’t know who any of these characters are, that’s okay – most people who aren’t Spider-Man fans wouldn’t recognize them, which is why it’s weird that Sony is betting hundreds of millions of dollars that people will flock to the theaters next year to see them. Back when Sony was still producing those decidedly not-amazing Amazing Spider-Man films, they had plans for a grand web of interlocking Spider-Man films – a Spider-Man Cinematic Universe, if you will. They were in development on a Sinister Six film, a Venom film, and a female-led Spider-Man film. And then the Sony hack happened, and all of these details leaked out, and Sony began to tank. They ended up teaming with Marvel Studios to produce a new series of Spider-Man films that would tie into Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, the first of which, Spider-Man: Homecoming, comes out in July. We all assumed that Sony’s dream of a Spider-Man cinematic universe had died, because it just doesn’t really make sense to do that without Spider-Man. Well, you know what they say about assuming, right? As it turns out, Sony is charging full steam ahead of producing a number of Spider-Man spin-off films that will be, in no way, associated with Spider-Man: Homecoming or the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And that’s certainly… a choice. This is… this is maybe one of the more misguided decisions I’ve seen a studio make recently. I mean, I think DC is making a ton of mistakes with their cinematic universe, but at least they have access to all of their characters. Venom was designed to be Spider-Man’s foil. Black Cat was introduced as a love interest for Spidey. What are these characters without their shared history with Spider-Man? Imagine if DC made a Catwoman movie that had nothing to do with Bat-what? Oh, they did that already? Well how did it do? Oh. OH. Well… yeah. Then I expect these to do about as well as that did. Good luck Sony. You’ll need it.

Joss Whedon is Directing a Batgirl Movie (News)

Chances are if you know me, you already know how I feel about this news. My feelings towards the DC Extended Universe can be summed up with one Shania Twain song:

As I’ve said before, I’m torn on the DCEU – on the one hand, I’d love to see good movies based on DC characters, but on the other hand, I don’t want to see future movies saddled with the garbage continuity they’ve established thus far. I want a fresh start. Rebuild it from the ground up. Don’t build your home on a dubious foundation like Batman v Superman. Alas, Suicide Squad made enough money to keep this failed experiment afloat and I’m sure Wonder Woman and Justice League will help matters, regardless of their quality. With each passing day, I’m more and more convinced that we’re stuck with what we’ve got, but I can’t shake the feeling that everything Warner Bros. is doing is misguided. Did you know there are currently 18 DC films in various stages of development? Of those 18, only 6 have dates, and only 3 of those 6 have officially entered production. It’s absolutely bonkers. There is constantly so much drama going on behind the scenes of these things – the rumor mill is constantly churning, and it would be easy to just disregard it all if Warner Bros. didn’t have a history of driving talent away from their DC franchises (I’m looking at you The Flash). I’m not even sure it’s worth formulating an opinion over Whedon’s Batgirl film because the chances of a) it actually happening and b) Whedon being involved are so slim that it feels pointless. Will I watch a Batgirl film directed by Joss Whedon? Absolutely. I’ll watch anything by Joss Whedon. Would I rather he not make a Batgirl film and do something else instead? Absolutely. Will I get my wish? Probably! Who knows? Come see me in a year if Whedon is still attached to this stupid thing.

Review – Ghost in the Shell (2017)

Look, there’s been a lot of controversy surrounding this anime adaptation and the whitewashing it contains. I won’t defend it, but I also understand the decisions that lead to this point. I’m not going to say anymore on that here because frankly, I have no authority to do so. I also don’t have the authority to speak on this film as an adaptation. I’m not a big anime guy. I haven’t seen any of the source material. In fact, I skipped out on watching the original film specifically because I wanted to judge Ghost in the Shell on its own merits. So what did I think? I thought it was good! Not great, just good. I enjoyed my time with it. It’s not going to win any awards for plot or characterization – it raises some interesting questions that it never gets around to answering – but it sure looks nice. The production design is just fantastic. The effects, the sets, the cinematography – this is a nice film to look at it. I kind of want to see it again in IMAX for that reason alone. If you’re looking for some entertaining eye candy, you could do a lot worse than Ghost in the Shell. If you’re looking for a deep, philosophical sci-fi film that’s going to blow your mind, look elsewhere.

  Television:

Black Lightning Gets a Costume (Promo)

In case you weren’t aware, The CW is getting a fifth (FIFTH!) DC superhero show in Black Lightning. It’s unclear as of now whether or not Black Lightning would exist as a part of The CW’s Arrowverse, as it was initially developed for Fox, who passed on the script. The pilot is currently filming in Atlanta and we now have our first look at Cress Williams in costume as Black Lightning, and it’s… busy. Aesthetically, it actually fits in well with the rest of The CW’s superhero shows. They continue to go in a completely different direction than Marvel Television, who seem intent on downplaying as many costume elements as they can (just check out the leaked set photos from the Inhumans). Many have remarked that this would be a better costume for the Inhumans’ Black Bolt, but… we’ll get to that when we’ve got an official still from that production.

ReBoot Reboot is Official (News)

As a kid, I adored Reboot. The first computer animated TV series, ReBoot was revolutionary from an industry standpoint, but it was also revolutionary to me from a storytelling standpoint. ReBoot, along with its sister-series Beast Wars (or Beasties, for us Canadians) showed me that kids show didn’t have to be dumbed down. Both series’ featured dark, mature storylines, with character deaths and plot twists. A lot of my storytelling proclivities were formed during this period and they greatly influenced me. So it’s with a heavy heart that I must announce that ReBoot is returning as a CGI/live-action hybrid. Who is this for? People have been clamoring for more ReBoot for years, and every now and then we’ll hear something about an eventual ReBoot reboot, but now it’s officially official and I don’t think it’s what anyone wants. Instead of a straight sequel or a re-imaging, we’re getting some weird thing about teens who play an MMO and get tasked with protecting… cyberspace or something. I don’t know. It sounds really stupid. One of the character’s names is “Goog’z”. GOOG’Z! Apparently the original characters will play some sort of role, but I just don’t really have any interest in seeing human characters. Am I the only one? I hope I’m wrong! But I’m never wrong. My opinions are always right (re: DCEU).

Legion Season 1 (Impressions)

I recently finished the first season of FX’s Legion, and… y’all should watch Legion. It is such a unique, gem of a show. I don’t want to spoil any of the weird, little things that make it so special, but I will say that the acting, the music, and the production values are all top-notch. It quickly became one of my favorite currently airing programs. Things start off weird and only get weirder, but the payoff is worth it. This is a Noah Hawley (Fargo) show based on the X-Men franchise. I shouldn’t have to convince you to watch it.

Attack on Titan Season 2 Premiere (Impressions)

It’s time. Time… for anime! I’ve never been a big anime fan, but one of the few shows that I had actually watched was Attack on Titan. I go to anime for weird, crazy things that I can’t get from American films and TV shows, and Attack on Titan fits that bill. It takes place in a world in which humanity has been driven into near-extinction by a race of mindless, titanic, naked men. Yeah, you read that correctly. The remnants of humanity hide behind 3 massive, concentric walls that protect them from these titans, but they’re forced to fight when a colossal titan breaks through the gate. They fight using these aerial maneuvering devices that utilize gas-powered harpoons attached to ropes to swing through cities and forests like Spider-Man. It’s as crazy as it sounds. It’s ridiculous, intense, disturbing, and graphically violent. I love it. After a 3+ year wait, season 2 has finally premiered, and the insanity has continued. There are a couple great twists in the first episode and I can’t wait to see where things go from here.

  Games:

Destiny 2 (Worldwide Reveal Trailer)

I, like many others, have a love/hate relationship with Destiny (both the game and the universal force). Prior to its release, I had it in my mind that we were getting something along the lines of “epic space opera of Mass Effect meets combat of Halo”. What I didn’t expect was “first-person sci-fi Diablo with less story”. It’s a very nice looking game with interesting art design, it’s got a good world with plenty of lore to discover, and the gameplay actually feels great – it’s just that none of that ever coalesced into a really great whole. The pieces are (mostly) there, but they were never arranged properly. The fun was mired by confusing systems and weird restrictions. I think there is a great game lurking somewhere in Destiny (and I’ve certainly sunk enough hours into it), so I’m hopeful that Bungie figures things out with Destiny 2. I think I like this trailer? The tone is a little off though; it feels like it’s trying way too hard to be whatever it thinks people want. I’m holding off judgment until we learn more about what the game actually is and how it differs from the first entry.

  Music:

Kendrick Lamar – “Humble”

Okay, first of all, the song is straight fire. Second, does anyone else feel like Kendrick watched Beyonce’s Lemonade and thought “I can do that”? Not that this 3-minute video necessarily stands alongside Beyonce’s opus, but it certainly seems to be inspired by it. The video is filled with fascinating imagery and interesting camera shots. I’m not smart enough to begin to understand what any of it means, but it sure looks great, doesn’t it? It inspires hope in me that I’ll actually enjoy Kendrick’s new album after feeling let down by To Pimp A Butterfly. Yeah, that’s right. Come at my haters.

Broken Social Scene – “Halfway Home”

I was a huge Broken Social Scene fan back in high school, and they, along with Arcade Fire, basically shaped my taste in music during the mid-to-late 2000’s. I was a fan of just about anything the Arts & Crafts label released, and at one point I was basically buying all of it (even though I ended up with many CD’s I disliked and would never listen to again). I thought that I had outgrown Broken Social Scene, but it sure brings a smile to my face to see them all performing on stage again. BSS concerts are a special experience, because it’s literally just a group of friends playing music together on stage. There’s a purity and an intimacy to it that you don’t get from big, packaged concerts. I’m not sure I really dig the song all that much, but I’m glad that Broken Social Scene is back regardless. “Friendship ladies and gentlemen, friendship!”

The start of a new series in which I share my opinions on the entertainment news of the week. I’ve got a lot of opinions. Anyone who follows me on Facebook or Twitter or in real life knows this.

[vampireshmampire]

The Things We Can't Take Back 2/4

Summary: Guillermo finally, finally gets turned into a vampire, but it doesn't really go the way he expected. Now that he's a vampire everyone is treating him differently, but not in a good way. Everyone seems tense and angry, and Nandor will barely look at him. He's not sure what he did wrong, or if he's the one who did something wrong.

What does everyone else know that he doesn't?

Guillermo is alive again.

It is not like waking up. There is no slow resurgence of consciousness, no veil of sleep lifting.

It doesn't come back abruptly, either. He doesn't jerk upright or startle awake or gasp for air with lungs that no longer need it.

One moment, nothing.

The next, he is alive.

The first thing he does is run his tongue over his new fangs. When he was using the cloak of duplication, Nandor's fangs had felt overly large in his mouth. He'd had to talk around them, and had trouble getting his lips to close over them all the way. Though his fangs aren't any smaller, they feel natural now.

And sharp. He is amazed at how sharp they are. He could cut himself on them if he's not careful.

The camera crew is in the next room. He can hear their heartbeats--though he doesn't think he's hearing it with his ears, exactly, the steady ba-bump ba-bump ba-bump of four hearts is unmistakable.

The house is so quiet. He can hear distant voices, and the clock ticking in the next room, and the heartbeats of the film crew, but it's still so quiet. And then he realizes that it's not the house.

It's him.

His entire life, every moment of his life, has had the background noise of his beating heart, his lungs, his blood--and now they are gone. He, Guillermo, is silent, truly silent. If he doesn't move, he makes no noise.

It's...actually, that's a little unsettling and he's not sure he likes it. Best to focus on the things he does like.

He opens his eyes at last.

Nandor is gone. The little curtain to his bedroom has been closed, but other than that there's no sign anyone else was here.

Yeah, okay, it wasn't like he actually expected his turning to involve moonlight and candles and to be held in Nandor's arms like something precious, whatever his own personal fantasies might entail. But he'd expected Nandor would be nice about it. At the very least, not treat it like some massive inconvience barely better than shakedowns for council dues.

Positives, positives, focus on the positives. He sits up and pulls out his phone, turning on the camera. For a second, he thinks something's wrong with it. Then he thinks maybe he's not showing up because he's a vampire.

Only then does he realize it's almost pitch black under the stairs, and the camera isn't showing anything because there's not enough light for it to see by. To Guillermo's eyes--his new vampire eyes--it's merely dim. He flicks on the light and finally sees his own grinning face.

His grin just gets wider. He looks good. The fangs are everything he wanted, everything he dreamed. It was worth it, every--well okay, not all of it, there are definitely some parts he would have rather skipped, and over a decade is a hell of a long time--

But he looks good. That's the important thing. He looks good. He feels good, too. The ache in his back is gone and the scrape he got on his hand from banging into the doorjam carrying a corpse has healed.

There's so much he wants to do. He wants to fly. He wants to look into a mirror and see no reflection. He wants to test his new strength. He wants to turn into a bat, into a wolf, into--

His eyes light up. He knows exactly what to do first.

"He's not gonna want to go," Colin Robinson says.

"You don't know that," Laszlo says.

"He didn't want to go last time. He didn't go for almost four years."

"This time could be different," Laszlo protests.

"You are saying it could be different?" Nadja says, with a look of disbelief. "You?"

"Not like that. I just mean that maybe this time he'll decide a good orgy will take his mind off of--"

"Shh!" Nadja kicks her husband and jerks her chin towards the door. A dark mist is sliding in through the gap at the bottom, swirling across the library floor. It darts around the cameraman, over a footstool, and under Colin Robinson's chair. Then all at once it swirls together, rises up into a column and Guillermo materializes.

"Ta-daaa!" he says, spreading his arms and beaming at them.

"We were in the middle of a conversation," Nadja says, irritably. "You could have knocked first."

Guillermo's smile fades a little and his arms come back down.

"I-I was just..." He gestures to his teeth. "Here I am. I'm a vampire now."

"Yes, Nandor told us," Laszlo says, picking up a book and opening it, pointedly. "Bully for you."

"I thought it was pretty good," Colin Robinson says. "Your re-materializing needs some work though."

Guillermo looks around, hopefully.

"Where's Nandor?"

"You're his familiar, you tell us," Nadja says.

"I'm not his familiar anymore," Guillermo says. "It's not really my job to keep track of him now."

This is very clearly the wrong thing to say. Laszlo's hands tighten around the book, Nadja's eyes narrow, Colin Robinson...well, he looks the same as ever, but there is a wariness in his eyes.

"Didn't take you long to pick up an attitude," Nadja says.

"I'm not getting an attitude--" Guillermo protests.

"Why don't you go and look for Nandor, if you care so much where he is."

"Yeah, and maybe let us get back to our conversation, Mr Interrupting Vampire."

This time, Guillermo uses the door. He shuts it quietly, and makes his unsteady way down the hall. He doesn't go looking for Nandor. Instead, he goes for his old room. The camera crew is already waiting. He considers refusing, but he doesn't want to have that argument. He sits down on his bed and waits for the cameraman to settle in.

"I know it..." he begins, and trails off. "It wasn't like I thought they were going to...I mean, they're not even all that nice to each other half the time. It's just that...I'm a vampire now!" He feels a little hysterical. "Shouldn't that make it different? They can't keep treating me like a familiar now! Can they? I mean...I just. I thought it would be different. Even when I was a familiar they weren't that bad--"

He sees the edge of a cape flicker around a corner and jerks to his feet. The camera man hurries to get out of his way as he rushes around the corner and sticks his head into Nandor's room. Sure enough, there is his former master, hanging his cape up.

"There you are!"

Nandor starts and looks up. Guillermo holds his arms out wide and grins.

"Ta-da," he tries again.

"Yes, very good," Nandor says, stiffly.

There were a lot of things Guillermo had planned to say once he was a vampire. Once he and Nandor were on equal ground, without the weight of master and familiar between them. Every last one of those things sticks in his throat now.

He'd always thought that once he was a vampire, he wouldn't be afraid of things like this anymore. It's very disappointing to learn that, apparently, vampires are as afraid of rejection as humans.

"So what do we do first?" he asks, pushing past the tangle of thorns in his chest.

"What?"

"You're my sire. You're supposed to teach me how to, you know." Guillermo waves his hands around and grins encouragingly. "Be a vampire."

"It is not that hard, Guillermo."

"Not for you, you've been at it for seven hundred years. I did turn into a mist though!" he says proudly. Nandor's eyes light up.

"You figured it out yourself?" he asks, excitedly.

"Yes! I just thought, you know, like...misty thoughts."

"But that is what I do!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Did--" Suddenly the light in Nandor's eyes goes out. It is like a door slamming shut in Guillermo's face just as he is about to step through. "Well, if you can figure that on your own, you can figure out the rest of it."

"I thought it might be easier if you--"

Nandor sighs heavily.

"Alright, alright," he says. "I will teach you how to fly tomorrow night."

"Why tomorrow night?"

"Because your powers are not fully yours until you first feed on human blood," Nandor says, as if it were obvious.

"Right. Do you...want to go get dinner?"

Nandor looks at him sharply.

"What?"

Do you want to go on whatever the vampire equivalent of a dinner date is, Guillermo thinks, and hates how his throat closes up around the words. So what if Nandor said no? So what if Nandor didn't like it, so what, so what?

But Nandor is leaning in, eyes fixed on Guillermo's face as if he was trying to see right into Guillermo's thoughts, as if every word and gesture was being tallied and analyzed.

"A vampire's gotta eat," Guillermo says, weakly. "No familiar to track down virgins for you anymore. I'm not totally sure how to go hunting, so I thought, maybe..."

Something flickers across Nandor's face, what looks for a second like fear or disappointment, but he turns away before Guillermo can tell what it actually is.

"There is no need. I have already made arrangements."

"Arrangements?"

"I thought you might be too tired after your change. And. And I thought your first meal should be special," he mumbles.

"Special?" Guillermo repeats, again. Nandor makes an irritable noise.

"To taste good, that is all I mean. You never listen, Guillermo."

Despite the admonishment, Guillermo feels something warm in his chest.

"That's really kind of you," he says. "Thank you, Mas--Nandor. Thanks, Nandor." It feels so strange to call him by his name. It's not as if Guillermo hasn't done it before, but there's something special about it now. It feels intimate.

But it must be entirely one sided, because Nandor just makes another irritated noise.

"Do not get so emotional, Guillermo."

"I'm not getting emotional, I'm just saying thank you."

"It is not a big deal! You always make a big deal out of little things!"

What is your problem? Guillermo wants to shout, but the doorbell rings.

"Dinner," Nandor says shortly, and sweeps out of the room. Guillermo sighs--he has to fill his lungs with air first, because he hasn't been breathing--and follows him.

"Hello," he hears Nandor say, all friendliness. "Come in, please."

"Dinner" is a short, pretty woman about Guillermo's age, with frizzy brown hair and the glazed eyes of someone already under heavy hypnosis. She's smiling, but it's a distant, dreamy smile.

He can smell her. It makes him realize that he's hungry. Or thirsty. Or both.

Guillermo doesn't think about it; he just moves. His teeth are in her neck before he realizes what he's doing, and then it doesn't matter. It tastes like blood, but the blood tastes good. He drinks and drinks and drinks until suddenly there is no blood left, and he pulls his teeth out and lets the body fall to the floor.

Nandor was right--Guillermo feels stronger already; he's tingling all over, his head is spinning. He meets Nandor's eyes, and for a moment feels an overwhelming urge to pin the vampire to the wall and--

Nandor looks away and shoves a handkerchief at him, grimacing.

Guillermo automatically tries to check his reflection, and can't. He wipes at his mouth and cringes at just how much blood comes away.

"I didn't realize it was so messy," he jokes. He glances down at the body, splayed and ash-pale on the floor where he dropped it. "Um. I'll clean that up," he says. "Guess you're going to need a new familiar, huh?"

"What?" Nandor asks, sharply.

"I...you know. Now that I'm a vampire. I can still help out," he says, kicking himself even as the words keep spilling out. He's a vampire now, he doesn't have to do this shit anymore, he's done his time, just shut up, shut up! "Until you get someone new."

"I don't need your help," Nandor says, and it's almost a snarl. "I took care of myself for centuries without you."

"I know," Guillermo says. "I just meant--"

Nandor huffs and storms out of the room without a backwards look.

Guillermo looks down at the dead body by his feet. He feels small and foolish and he needs to dispose of a corpse before it starts to smell.

Being a vampire doesn't seem to be all that different from being a familiar.

[vampireshmampire]

The Things We Can't Take Back ch 3/4

Summary: Guillermo finally, finally gets turned into a vampire, but it doesn't really go the way he expected. Now that he's a vampire everyone is treating him differently, but not in a good way. Everyone seems tense and angry, and Nandor will barely look at him. He's not sure what he did wrong, or if he's the one who did something wrong.

What does everyone else know that he doesn't?

"I didn't realize becoming a vampire involved so much paperwork," Guillermo says.

"Everything has a paper trail these days," the Guide says, almost apologetically. "But you're almost done!"

She hauls out a massive leather-bound book and drops it onto the table with a bang.

"You just have to put your name in the Book of Records."

Guillermo can hear the capital letters.

"Choose carefully," she says, warningly. "It's a whole process if you want to change it later."

She opens the book carefully, turning cracked and yellowed pages until she reaches one that is only half-full. Guillermo scans the names, curiously.

Some were just names, like Zelda von Cloffen and Jack Halden. Others had tags, some mundane and some quite unique, although he suspected Vera the Viscous was probably a very unfortunate misspelling.

He thinks back to his list of names. It seems so long ago. Guillermo the Great...But things have changed so much since then. He's changed. He's become something truly great, and he hadn't needed fangs to do it.

Guillermo de la Cruz.

"It's a good name," the Guide says and oh boy, here it comes, there's the half-lidded stare and the coy smile. "Handsome name for a handsome vampire."

"I'm gay," Guillermo says, flatly. "And I'd really appreciate it if you stopped hitting on me."

The Guide blinks at him. Blinks again.

"Oh. Right. Yes. I can do that." She laughs awkwardly. "That's a bit embarrassing for me. Wish you'd told me a little sooner."

"So do I," he says.

It had been so easy. The words had come without hesitation, he had felt no anxiety about it; he hadn't even had to work up the nerve. It was good to know he'd been right about some things about being a vampire.

The Guide shuts the book with a flourish.

"Congratulations, Guillermo de la Cruz. You are now officially, legally a vampire."

She bows. He bows back, unable to stop the massive smile on his face. Finally.

"So," she says, "Will you be finding someplace in town, or striking out in the wide world? The North is lovely in the winter, almost no daylight at all. Highly recommend."

Guillermo's smile crashes.

"What? I'm--Why would I be looking for a new place?"

"Oh," the Guide says, surprised. "The way everyone was talking, it sounded like you weren't going to be around for long."

"What do you mean everyone?"

The Guide shrugs.

"Everyone else from your house."

"Even Nandor?"

"Oh, especially him," she says, nodding intently. "Not so much the Colin Robinson; he kept saying he wasn't sure what you'd do."

That stings. It hurts worse than the conversation from the other night. Not only is Nandor sick of him, he's telling other people that he wants Guillermo to go.

"What...what did he say exactly?"

"Oh, gosh, exactly? I'm not sure. Something about how long it would take you to realize you wanted to leave, or decide to leave, or admit you wanted to leave? Something like that."

Guillermo wants to ask if that's normal, if familiars usually don't stay, if the idea of a familiar joining the house once they've been turned is laughable. But if he does, she'll know, and then everyone will know. He's a vampire now. He needs to be tough, detached, aloof.

"Right. Okay. If we're all done here, I need to head back I have some stuff I have to do."

He's going to go home, and he's going to march right up to everyone, and he's going to ask--he's going to demand--an answer once and for all.

--

"It's been two days," Nadja says. Nandor says nothing, continuing to slowly drag the whetstone across the edge of the sword. He's been sharpening it for almost an hour.

"Has he said anything?" she persisted.

"Hasn't moved out of his old room," Laszlo pointed out.

"He said he was going to help until I get a new familiar," Nandor said. "Perhaps he will move when that happens."

"Out of his old room or out of the house?" Laszlo asks.

"Well did he say 'I'll help out until you get a new familiar', or did he say 'I'll stay and help out until you get a new familiar'?" Colin Robinson asks.

"Why does it matter which way he said it?"

"Well, the former implies he's only doing the helping until the new familiar gets here, and the latter implies he's only sticking around until you get the new familiar. Very different."

"I...I think he just said he'd help." Nandor's expression is painfully hopeful.

"He's still in his old room."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Nandor demands, flinging the sword aside. "Stop saying it! Why does it matter?"

"He hasn't picked a room and he's still playing familiar! He's not a member of the household!"

"Maybe he doesn't know he can pick one," Nadja suggests, in the tone of one who knows they can't stop the fight but is going to try anyway. "Maybe he is waiting for you to tell him which room is his."

"Then why hasn't he asked?" Nandor demands. "If he wants to stay, why won't he ask?"

"Why don't you ask him why he hasn't asked?" Colin Robinson asks, innocently. Nandor glares at him and said nothing.

"Yes, Nandor, why don't you go out there right now and ask?" Laszlo says. "If you think you can do it without begging."

"Laszlo, that's not helping!" Nadja cries as Nandor whirls around and snarls.

"Nandor the Relentless does not beg."

"The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be! Pull yourself together and go talk to him. The sooner he's out of the house, the sooner we can all move on!"

On the other side of the door, Guillermo lets go of the handle very slowly, and backs away.

--

"Every vampire Nandor ever sired walked out on him," Nadja tells the camera, her lips twisting into a sympathetic half-frown. And I don't mean 'oh thank you for teaching me how to be a vampire, it is time to go our separate ways'," she pitches her voice up briefly, then flicks a hand dismissively. "Just a 'thanks for the bite, see ya 'round'."

"Usually it's the other way around," Laszlo says. "And if your sire doesn't fuck off, it's because they give a shit about whether you live or die, and its considered the polite thing to at least hang around for a bit while they teach you the ropes."

Laszlo grimaces, tapping his hand against the arm of his chair before finally saying "In the time I've known him, Nandor has fallen in love with, and then turned, three of his familiars."

Nadja nods, raising her eyebrows.

"And it's an absolute shit show every. Single. Time."

--

"Oh yeah, I was here for the last one," Colin Robinson says. "The guy didn't even wait to die. He was literally still drinking Nandor's blood out of the chalice as he walked out the door."

An old photo of the vampire pod circa 1940. Everyone is smiling, Nandor is beaming, and the person beside him has had their face scratched out with such force it tore through the photo.

"That was rough," Colin Robinson says, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable. "You never like to see your friends suffer like that. Self-pity gets real samey real fast, and it's hard to get the taste out of your mouth. Everything tasted like despair for weeks."

--

"No, he wasn't totally heartless," Nadja says. "I definitely crushed something when I put my hand through his chest. Fun fact," she adds, slyly, waggling her finger. "It doesn't count as vampire on vampire murder if they haven't completely turned yet."

"We didn't tell Nandor about that part," Laszlo says. "We thought it would have been a bit awkward."

--

"I'm not stupid," Guillermo says to the camera from the bed in his old room. "I've seen enough sitcoms to know better. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions based on part of a conversation I overheard through a door with no context. That'd be ridiculous. I'm going to sit down with Nandor and we'll talk this out."

He clasps his hands together in front of him, jiggling his leg nervously.

"Honestly, that's what I should have done from the beginning. I was just..."

A coward. He's been so afraid of what the answer might be, and growing more afraid with every interaction. Part of him has been hoping that if he doesn't say anything, keeps acting like a familiar, keeps his head down, he can skate by. Nothing needs to change.

"...waiting for the right moment," he says at last.

Which is going to be right now.

"Nandor, I need to talk to you."

"I'm busy," Nandor said. The vampire is digging through a chest on the floor, searching for something. He keeps pulling the same items out and putting them back in. Guillermo wonders what he's looking for, and if he is actually looking for something and not just using it as an excuse to not look him in the eye.

"This is important. It's about...where we go from here." Guillermo takes a deep breath. "Do you want me to leave?"

"If you want to leave, leave," Nandor says with a shrug.

"That's not what I asked," Guillermo says, trying to be patient. "Do you want me to go?"

"I don't care," Nandor says, still, still not looking at him.

"Oh come on," Guillermo says, trying to be lighthearted but rapidly growing desperate. "You've got to have an opinion."

"I do not."

"Nandor, would you just--just tell me what you want me to do!"

"I don't care what you do!" Nandor erupted to his feet and pinned Guillermo with a wild-eyed glare. "Make up your mind and choose already!"

"I--"

"I am not your master! I have no say in your choice! I have no control over you now, there is only you! So stop whining at me about what I think you should do, and do whatever it is you want! I. Don't. Care."

Guillermo fights to keep his expression calm. He'd like to maintain at least a little dignity through the end of the conversation.

"Okay," he said, softly. Despite his best efforts, the word wobbles a little on the way out.

The terrible look--hate, it has to be hate, he is sure it's hate--fades from Nandor's eyes, and he looks away, shamefaced.

"Okay," Guillermo says again, a little stronger this time. Nandor has made his opinion clear. Guillermo can take a hint. "I'll go pack my things."

Nandor turns away. He sets his hands on the coffin lid, and says nothing.

"Thank you," Guillermo says. "I've said it before but really, I mean it. Thank you for everything. It was...it was very nice to know you, Nandor."

Nandor's hands tighten into fists. There is no other reaction.

Guillermo turns and strides out of the room, head high, eyes stinging.

Behind him, the door shuts quietly.

Guillermo packs with brutal efficiency. He's done it before, so he's got practice, but this time he aims to strip away every indication that he was ever here. Every picture, every sock, every pen, all go into his dufflebag. He doesn't want to spend a second longer than he has to in this place. The longer he's here, the higher the chance that he'll break down. He doesn't want to give anyone the satisfaction.

He's almost done when he hears a sharp inhale behind him. He turns, and is surprised to see Nadja. Her hands are tight on her skirts, and her expression is nothing short of murderous. For a second he thinks she might actually attack him, and is struck by something somewhere between despair and frustration. She was mad that he was here, now she's mad that he's leaving?

"What?" he snaps, on the verge of hysteria. "What do you want from me?"

"I don't care what you do," she says, sneering.

"You and him both," he spits.

"Is that what you think?"

"He sure as shit didn't give me a reason to think otherwise." Guillermo drags the curtain shut and goes back to packing. He hears Nadja's footsteps fading away.

And that's the end of that, he thinks.

He's very, very wrong.

Guillermo shrugs on his coat, slings his dufflebag around his shoulders, and pulls open the curtain. Nadja, Lazlo, and Colin Robinson are waiting for him, lined up in the front hall, blocking the way into the house.

"Took you long enough," Laszlo says, everything from his tone to his expression dripping contempt. Guillermo figures there's no reason for them to bother hiding how they feel now.

"Sorry for the inconvenience," Guillermo says, cooly. He waits, but they just stare. "Okay then. I'll be going now. Forever."

He glances past them to Nandor's closed door. Isn't even going to say goodbye.

Asshole.

"So, I assume all three of you don't care what I do either?" It's like poking at a bruise. He knows what they're going to say, he knows it's going to hurt, but he has to ask. Just in case.

"Not a bit," Nadja said.

"Could not give less of a fuck."

"Well, I--" Colin starts, and gets two vicious glares. "Whatever."

He gives Nandor's door one last glance, willing it to open, even if it's just to see him one last time.

It doesn't.

He turns and walks out the door. No one stops him.

No one stops him when he shuts the door behind him.

No one stops him as he descends the stairs.

No one stops him when he hesitates at the end of the driveway, or when he looks back one last time.

As he looks up at the house that has been his home for the last twelve years, he wonders if this was how it was always going to be. Had it been naive of him to assume that he would be staying? That becoming a vampire would make him an equal and not an unwelcome outsider who no longer had a reason to be kept around? After everything they've been through together...

Even as a familiar they'd treated him with more kindness. Had that been an act? Had they always felt this way about him, and hid it because they needed him to stick around? Had Nandor ever really cared about him?

At last he turns away and walks down the street for the last time.

It will be twenty years before he gets the answer to his questions.

[vampireshmampire]

Souls, Reunited (Or, It's Not JUST a Horse) ch 1/6

Gregor's not the only one who can be reincarnated. A chance encounter at a stable yard reunites Nandor with his beloved John. But John's current owner is petty and spiteful, and they run the risk of being separated yet again.

Guillermo doesn't like horses, but he does like Nandor (in a friend kind of way, not in--well, not really freind-friend, more, you know, master and familiar, caring about, I mean, y'know). It's up to him to make sure that this time, the story has a happy ending.

“Nandor, where the hell are we going?” Nadja complains. “The theater is the other way!”

Nandor isn’t listening. He strides through the streets with terrible purpose, long legs eating up the distance, without a care for his companions scurrying to keep up. Every now and again he stops and scents the air like a hound, then marches on.

Nadja is the first--besides Nandor--to catch the smell.

“Oh, no,” she groans, pinching her nostrils. “Really?” she demands. “You dragged us away from the festival films for this?”

“Film festival,” Guillermo mutters.

Laszlo sniffs and his whole face screws up in disgust.

“Oh, fantastic. We’ll never get him away now.”

“What? What is it?” Guillermo asks. “I don’t smell anything, what does he smell?”

“Horses,” the couple answers in unison.

The blocks have gotten irregular, have turned into winding streets that are mostly houses, and at last Guillermo smells it: leather, horse hair, and animal shit. Nandor turns a corner, and is out of sight. Laszlo and Nadja have dropped back, interest lost now that they knew the game, but Guillermo--never happy to have his master out of sight for long, for safety reasons if nothing else--speeds up.

A large sign marred by a horse smiling with human teeth announces that they have found ‘Happy Meadows Stable’, although this being Staten Island, there was not a meadow in sight. Despite the hour and the fall chill, there are plenty of people moving around, leading horses, riding horses, existing near horses in that particular horse-person kind of way.

Nandor sets his hands on the fence poles and breathes in deeply, eyes fixed on the animals moving by. His gaze is hungry, but not in the usual way. It’s less primal thirst and more...longing.

“Master?” Guillermo asks, trying to sound like he isn’t out of breath. “What are we doing here?”

“Look at them all,” Nandor says, voice filled with wonder. “I didn’t know so many people still rode horses.”

“For most of them it’s a hobby,” Guillermo says, leaning against the fence, imitating his master’s pose. “Usually rich people and kids. And rich kids.” He drums his fingers, debating whether or not he should say it. Nandor would certainly appreciate it. He would definitely enjoy it. Maybe he hasn’t ridden a horse in a hundred years or so, but he is a vampire--it wasn’t like he could get seriously hurt.

It’s everybody else’s safety Guillermo is concerned about.

“You know,” Guillermo says at last. “They’d probably let you ride one if you paid--”

Nandor’s entire face lights up with a smile so dazzling that Guillermo briefly forgets how to breathe. And Guillermo had made him smile like that, with such a small thing, just a few words--

“Blow that,” Laszlo says, behind them, and Nandor scowls at him. “No way, I’m not missing out on my boy Maxie in his sexiest role ever so you can go playing around in horse shit. Nadja?"

"It's Nosferatu, not Nosfer-horse-too," Nadja says, and it must be love that makes Laszlo smile.

"Excellent wordplay, my dear. Gizmo?”

“No, I’m definitely going to stay here and make sure this doesn’t go horribly wrong,” he says, though he knows if Nandor really gets it into his head to re-enact the good old days, there is little Guillermo can do to stop him.

With a flutter of wings, Guillermo is left to lead the way into the main office. It doesn’t smell any less horsey in here. They catch a couple of odd looks--well, Nandor does--but what else was new?

“What are they wearing?” Nandor whispers to Guillermo, staring at a gaggle of teenagers passing by, giving them much the same look they’re giving him.

“Uhh...riding pants? Riding boots? Helmets?”

“I’m not wearing any of those,” Nandor says, stiffly.

Guillermo’s imagination cannot even conjure up the image.

“No, master.” A horrible thought occurs. “You are going to wear pants, though, right? Like...any pants? At all?”

Nandor gives him a haughty look.

“I do not ride naked, Guillermo.”

And that is an image his imagination can, and does, conjure up.

The woman at the front desk looks up as they approach. Guillermo can see the quick calculations going on in her head, and in the end it is Guillermo’s eyes she meets when she says “And what can I do for you gentlemen tonight?”

“Do you rent horses?” Guillermo asks. “Or, uh, loan?”

Guillermo is not a horse person. It’s nothing against horses specifically; he’s uncomfortable with any animal more than half his size. It was hard to be at ease around something that could kick you to death with its feet on a whim.

“You mean for riding lessons?”

Nandor’s eyes blaze with indignation. He draws himself up and hisses “I--”

“--have plenty of experience with horses,” Guillermo interjects, earning himself an irritated look that he ignores. “He just wants to ride one for a few hours.”

The answer, fortunately, was yes. Normally you had to schedule it in advance, but a quick glower and hand wave and jolt of hypnosis from Nandor, and they are being led out back towards the stables.

“You’re pretty tall,” the employee says. His nametag reads 'Timothy - Groom'. “So we’ll put you on Magna.”

“This is a stallion?”

“A mare. The stable doesn’t keep stallions. We have a few that are boarding here, but we don’t rent them out to people. Stallions can be too unpredictable.”

Nandor snorts derisively, sounding not unlike a horse himself.

“If your riders are not strong enough to manage a real horse they should not be riding in the first place.”

“...Right. Ok. How about, you guys wait right here, and I’ll go get the horse for you, great, ok, be right back.”

The young man hurries away, glancing back over his shoulder at them.

Unconcerned, the vampire shrugs off his coat and hands it to Guillermo, who in turn hands Nandor a hair tie (he always keeps at least a few on him, in case a feeding frenzy gets particularly messy).

“I am not dressed appropriately,” Nandor says, twisting his hair up into what Guillermo does not --cannot--think of as a manbun. “But it will do for tonight. When we get home I will need you to find my riding clothes. They are in the house. Somewhere.”

“Yes, Master.”

He would look for them during the day, and if they turned out to be something that would very definitely get them un-invited to the stable, he would un-find them and get Nandor something from this decade.

Don’t think about him in jeans, don’t think about him in jeans, don’t-- too late.

“Here we go,” Guillermo says, cheerfully, trying to focus on the dark brown horse Timothy is leading down the...hallway? Aisle? Was there a special word for it? Probably. Horse people practically had their own language.

Timothy holds out the reins, but Nandor doesn’t take them. He examines the horse critically.

“This horse is dead,” he says at last. Both Guillermo and Timothy look at each other.

“No, she’s not?” Timothy says, framing it as a question.

“Look at her! She is practically asleep where she stands! She has no spirit! She is barely alive! No offense,” he adds, to the horse, patting it on the neck. “You would be very good at pulling carts.”

Then he glares at Timothy and stalks down the hallway, examining the horses in their stalls as Guillermo and the groom hurry after him.

“I can find you a different horse,” Timothy calls. “Sir? Sir!”

Nandor halts in front of a stall containing a large horse with a reddish-brown coat. It eyes him suspiciously.

“This one,” he says. To Guillermo’s eye, the two horses are identical, except for the color.

“Oh no,” Timothy says. “You don’t want Bastion, she’s really picky about who she lets ride her. You have to get to know her first.”

Nandor ignores him, and slides the stall door open. The horse takes a wary step back, but Nandor begins to speak in a soft, soothing tone that Guillermo has never, ever heard from him before.

“Good girl. Such a pretty girl; a strong girl.” He steps into the stall and holds out a hand, flat. The horse noses his fingers and lets out a snort. Nandor begins to stroke the horse’s forehead. It swishes its tail peacefully.

“What the fuck,” whispers Timothy.

“Yes, you are not picky, you have pride. You are too good to be mounted by any bow-legged peasant with a saddle. Only the deserving may touch you.” He holds out a hand and twitches his fingers. “Guillermo, the bridle.”

Timothy pulls it down from the hook and passes it to Guillermo, unable to tear his gaze away from the scene before him. .

“She bit Jerry last week and he’s been here for a year.”

Guillermo stretches his arm out, trying to get the bridle to Nandor without taking a step into the stall. The horse turns its head and eyes him, rumbling in its chest. Nandor shushes it and takes the bridle, sliding it on over the horse’s nose.

“Let us show them how it is done. We shall ride like warriors of old, with death at our heels.”

Without warning, Nandor swings himself up onto the horse’s bare back. The motion is so smooth and so practiced, Guillermo knows Nandor could do that long before he had any vampiric flight at his disposal.

“Uh, do you want a saddle…?” Timothy asks. Nandor gives him a haughty look.

“I am not actually riding into battle. I do not need a saddle for trotting around in a circle.” He digs in his heels and lets out a triumphant “hyah!”

Guillermo, Timothy, and the unwanted horse barely have time to scramble out of the way as Nandor and Bastion erupt from the stall, flying down the hall towards the open doors. He disappears from view, but Guillermo can hear the screams of humans and horses alike as Nandor careens through the stable.

“Dude, what the fuck,” Timothy says.

“I’m gonna be honest,” Guillermo says, “this is a new one.”

[chelsfic]

I Fell into Fantasy - Nandor x Guillermo One-Shot

WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: Guillermo admits to a secret desire. Nandor tries to fulfill it without compromising his aloofness. 

A/N: The title of this fic comes from a song called “Days of the Phoenix” by AFI. I was inspired to write this fic by the scene in the movie where Viago talks about how he likes to make things “nice” for his victims during their final moments.

Warnings: Blood drinking, a bit of smut, frottage, pining, angst

---

Guillermo really should know better.

How many nights has he spent digging up the garden to dispose of the mangled corpses left behind after the vampires’ feasting? How many bruised, torn throats has he seen? Cracked collar bones and broken limbs? Lifeless, staring eyes? 

He knows the victims are in pain before they die. He knows the vampires sometimes like to play with their food, chasing tearful virgins through the house, giving them a taste of escape before tucking into their meal. He knows it hurts. He knows it isn’t sexy.

Really. He knows.

He’s still jealous. He’s jealous when he shows up to yet another sad familiar mixer to find that nearly every other human in attendance has faded puncture wounds and he has to hide his smooth, pristine throat with a turtleneck sweater. He’s jealous when he’s forced to stand in the corner and listen to his master’s obscene, tantalizing moans as he drinks from some random human who isn’t him. He’s jealous when Nandor remarks on how tasty a victim is, licking his lips before discarding their lifeless forms like so much garbage.

He knows it’s wrong. But he gave up caring about right and wrong a long time ago, around the time he dug his first clandestine grave.

He’s wanted to be bitten ever since he was 13-years-old and he first watched Lestat turn Louis on the 18-inch TV in his bedroom. He’d paused the movie, rewinding and frantically beating off as the blood poured onto Brad Pitt’s lips.  He wants to know what his master’s lips would feel like on the tender hollow of his throat. He wants to feel the scratch of his beard as he closes his mouth over Guillermo’s sensitive skin. He wants Nandor to hold him close. He wants to feel those sensual moans rumble through the vampire’s chest as he takes his fill.

He wants so much.

Whenever he feels jealousy, lust, longing... he reminds himself that he should feel grateful, proud even, that Nandor has never fed from him. Nandor sees him as more than a meal. He’s a trusty companion, a person, a...friend? This is what Guillermo tells himself. He knows it’s not a matter of taste. How many times has Nandor scolded him for looking too tempting when he blushes? Or warned him to be careful with his sword collection because he didn’t want him bleeding all over the place and testing his self-control? 

Whatever his reasoning--respect, boundaries, taboo--Nandor doesn’t feed on his familiar. But Guillermo often wonders if things would be different if his master knew how badly he wanted it.

---

“Guillermo, you’re very serious tonight. Are you having to take a human shit? I can wait until after for you to do the tucking in…” 

Nandor stands by his open coffin with an uncomfortable smile on his face that’s akin to a grimace. Guillermo has already helped him remove his outer layers and brushed out his flowing, dark hair. All that remains is for the familiar to hold his hand while he steps up into his coffin.

“No, master, I--I don’t have to take a shit. I’m fine,” Guillermo murmurs with sadness practically oozing out of his pores.

Nandor bristles, his eyes darting all over the room as he wars with himself over whether to press further or simply to ignore Guillermo’s stupid human moods and hope they go away.

The vampire sighs dramatically, “I think you better tell me what is the matter, Guillermo. I don’t want this affecting your work performance. You do a very poor job dusting the paintings and the window dresses when you’re sad. Now what is it? Laszlo and Nadja? Are they giving the guff to you?”

Guillermo is quiet for a long moment, looking up into his master’s fathomless brown eyes as he decides how to respond. Nandor’s whole body is tense as if he’s awaiting the guillotine blade. Maybe he should just get it out of his system and finally admit--well, certainly not everything he feels for his beloved master, but at least about his deep desire to be bitten. 

He blushes, lowering his gaze as he finally answers, “I guess...I’m just a little jealous. Of...of the people you feed from.”

Nandor’s face drops into blank befuddlement before his dark brows lift upward and his lips curl in a poorly concealed smile.

“You’re jealous of my victims? I kill those people! You want me to murder you? Is this some kind of death wish thing? Because I find that really annoying!” Nandor sputters, half amused and half serious.

Guillermo’s face is burning with humiliation now and he rushes to clarify, “No! No, I don’t want to die, master. It’s just...I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to be bitten by a vampire...”

His voice fades to nothingness but Nandor clearly understands him and his face grows pensive as he contemplates his words.

“Are you bullshitting me?” Nandor questions and his tone is just close enough to irritation to cause Guillermo to shrink in on himself as he answers.

“No, master.”

“Well…” Nandor sighs and affects a look of disinterest. “It’s alright to say that sort of thing to me, Guillermo, because you’re my familiar. But you want to be careful out there with the other vampires. You could get eaten up! And then where would I be? Having to make another ad on the Greg’s List!”

“...Craigslist…”

“As I said!” Nandor snaps, holding out his hand expectantly as he moves to get into his coffin. “Now, that’s enough of this crazy talking. Alright?”

“Alright, master,” Guillermo murmurs subserviently, reaching up to release the lid and slowly lowering it, sealing his master inside. 

“Goodnight, Guillermo!” Nandor’s muffled voice calls as the familiar moves around the room, blowing out candles.

“Night, master!”

Sealed in the claustrophobic darkness of his coffin, Nandor’s mind races as he tries to process this new information about his familiar. Guillermo--his little Guillermo!--would let him bite him and drink his delicious blood? No, he wants him to do it. Yearns for it. He is jealous of the people he kills just because they get to feel the sting of his fangs and the touch of his lips. Nandor palms himself through his trousers. He’s harder than he’s been in a century just thinking of it.

---

He tries, he really does. Guillermo tries to forget about his shameful admission and go back to normal. Nandor certainly seems unmoved, doing nothing to even hint that he remembers having the conversation. So, Guillermo goes through the motions, dutifully completing his chores, searching for fresh sources of virgin blood, and standing by while Nandor sates his bloodlust with perfect strangers. But now that he’s revealed his secret--part of his secret, let’s be honest--and faced his master’s outright rejection, he just can’t seem to let go of the hollow ache in his chest.

He feels inadequate, pathetic, unattractive. And sad. Mostly sad.

Guillermo might think that Nandor has forgotten all about their little chat, but the vampire dwells on it just as much as the human does in the days that follow. And it’s impossible to ignore the scent of “sad human” that’s begun to permeate the household. Nandor spends several days battling with himself over what to do. He considers killing Guillermo and starting over with a new familiar… Guillermo gets his wish, Nandor doesn’t have to confront his shameful attraction to his servant… everybody wins! But the thought of Guillermo’s sweet little face gone still and lifeless sends a foreign stab of emotion into his chest that is really unpleasant.

He could ignore the situation and hope for it to go away on its own. But now that he knows his familiar is secretly lusting after his bite, he can’t get it out of his mind. He’d avoided feeding from Guillermo for years. At first it was a matter of preserving a valuable asset. Guillermo is a good familiar, why risk slipping up and accidentally draining him? After a while, when Nandor started to fixate on his familiar’s adorable smiles, fantasizing about how his soft, little body would feel against his...then it became a matter of self-control and rejecting his disgusting, unnatural feelings for a... servant!

So, that leaves him with one option. He must feed from Guillermo...carefully. So, so carefully so as not to be overcome and either kill or ravish the poor fellow. And if he is going to bite his Guillermo, then he must make it a pleasant experience for his familiar. He can’t stomach the idea of simply ripping into his human and hearing him scream and cry with the pain of it. No, it has to be...special.

---

Guillermo is barely in the door, laden down with shopping bags, when his master’s voice calls to him.

“Guillermo! Is that you?”

“Yes, master! I’m back from the store. I got you some more of those bath bombs you like,” Guillermo answers, wrestling with the bags as he edges towards his room. “Is there something--?”

Nandor appears at his side and interrupts, “The one with the lavender? Very good, Guillermo. Ehm--why don’t you put down those satchels and come with me to my room for a moment. I have a surprise for you.”

Guillermo’s face lights up with a warm smile and he drops the bags on the floor by his closet-room, “A surprise? For me, master?”

“Just for you, Guillermo! Come!” Nandor practically skips at his side as they walk back to his room, his eyes lit with anticipation.

Nandor closes and locks the door behind them, watching his familiar take in the arrangements he’s made. He borrowed Laszlo’s gramophone and set it up in the corner. It’s playing a soft, quiet melody that floats gently on the incense-infused air. A vase of vivid red roses sits on an end table next to his fancy couch, which he’s covered in a layer of bath towels. 

“What...what is all this, master?” Guillermo breathes, walking up to the flowers and burying his nose in the fragrant blooms with a smile on his lips. 

“Do you like it, Guillermo? I wanted it to be--” he pulls a face but manages to get the word out “--nice for you.”

“But, why?”

Nandor steps up beside his familiar, towering over the smaller man. “I’m going to feed from you. If... if that is still something you are wanting.”

“Oh,” the word comes out on a shaky exhale and Guillermo feels his knees go weak. “I--yes, I still want...that. Thank you, master.”

Nandor smiles, baring his fangs and crinkling his eyes. Guillermo feels his heart do a flip in his chest and wonders, distractedly, if Nandor can hear his heartbeat. They’re standing so close. Guillermo could lean forward just a bit and they’d be touching. He looks up into Nandor’s eyes and finds them melted with warmth. His master has never gone through such an effort for him before. Guillermo feels like his heart could burst.

“You want to take a seat?” Nandor gestures to the towel covered couch and Guillermo snaps out of his daze.

He sinks down onto the cushions, running his hands appreciatively over the terry cloth, “This was clever, master.”

Nandor takes a seat beside him, close enough that their thighs brush together and Guillermo gulps. He’s brushed his master’s hair, helped him dress, helped him bathe for goodness sake, but he’s never felt as close to him as he does now.

“Are you comfort-a-ble, Guillermo?” Nandor asks, staring at his face with a hungry intensity. 

Guillermo locks eyes with him and he sees his master’s pupils dilate, his lips part to bare elongated fangs. He gasps out a quivering breath as he fights the waves of exhilaration, lust and fear in order to answer.

“Yes, it’s...very comfy, master. Very nice, thank you.”

“Good,” Nandor responds, his eyes flicking down to Guillermo’s collar. “Why don’t you remove your woolen garment and open your collar. I don’t want to spoil your nice clothes.”

Guillermo feels like he’s in a dream. Nandor is never this...considerate. His mind flashes back to every time he’s watched his master strike out at a victim unannounced, with fierce aggression and even cruelty. It’s pathetic that his standards are so low, but the fact that Nandor isn’t treating him like just another victim to be used and discarded sends a rush of affection and hope flowing through him. He hastily grabs the bottom of his sweater, pulling it up over his head and tossing it aside. Next, he reaches for the collar of his shirt, but Nandor is there first. His long, thick fingers pluck at the buttons, releasing each one until Guillermo’s chest is visible. He pulls the collar aside, revealing the smooth, unblemished curve of Guillermo’s neck and shoulder.

“Are you ready?” Nandor asks with a hiss as he eyes his familiar’s naked skin. He’s never seen so much of the man before and he feels his cock stir with interest inside his trousers. 

“Yes,” Guillermo breathes needily, tilting his head to bare his neck even further. 

Nandor brings his hand up to cradle Guillermo’s head, letting his fingers sink into his soft curls and cupping his warm cheek in his palm. The pulse point at Guillermo’s throat is practically visible, his heart is beating so fast. Nandor feels his mouth flood with saliva as the rushing flow of Guillermo’s blood reaches his ears. 

He wraps his other arm around his familiar, drawing him onto his lap and finally leaning in to bury his face into the warm, inviting crook of his neck. Nandor breathes in the intoxicating aroma that even the human-things-for-smelling and his incense cannot obscure. He moans loudly. He might be embarrassed if he were less overcome with the sensory feast of his familiar’s soft body in his arms and the promise of his warm, thick blood.

Guillermo mewls at the touch of his master’s mouth on his bare throat. His beard is scratchy and rough but his lips are impossibly soft and gentle. It’s like a kiss, he thinks, his heart rushing with affection and joy. Nandor’s arm around him is firm and strong. He knows that he could never hope to escape if Nandor truly wished to restrain him and drink him dry. Putting this level of trust in his master makes him feel like a tiny, frail rabbit in the jaws of a hungry wolf. A delicious shiver runs down his spine at the image. And then Nandor’s lips pull back and he feels the sharp points of his fangs graze over tender skin.

“Oh!” Guillermo cries out. 

Nandor growls low in his throat but pulls back just slightly to check, “Is this still alright?”

Guillermo nods quickly, bringing up his hands to run them through Nandor’s soft hair reassuringly, “Yes! Yes! Please, master!”

He feels Nandor’s chest rumble with suppressed laughter and then there’s just the blinding, burning flash of pain that blooms as Nandor finally strikes, burying his fangs into his familiar’s soft, warm throat. Guillermo’s mouth falls open and his hands fist in Nandor’s hair as the first wave takes him. 

“Shhh,” Nandor murmurs wetly against his neck, lapping the spilled blood with long strokes of his tongue. “Shhh, you’re safe.”

“Nnghh!” a pleasured groan strangles from the familiar’s throat at the touch of his master’s tongue. Guillermo squirms, his cock filling even as blood drains away from his body. 

Nandor tightens his arms around his little Guillermo, pulling him flush against his broad chest and biting down once more as he begins to drink in earnest. He moans wantonly as the sweet blood fills his mouth. He’s as hard as he’s ever been and he rolls his hips against his familiar’s generous backside. He drinks and he drinks.

The pain ebbs enough for Guillermo to lose himself in the delicious feeling of connection with his master. His hands, his lips, his tongue, his teeth are all on him, inside of him, part of him. Nandor’s touch unlocks a secret room inside of Guillermo where he keeps his most tender feelings. For once he allows himself to truly feel the devotion, the affection... the love that he has for his master. It’s wonderful and dizzying. Tears slip from his eyes as he reaches his arms around Nandor’s broad shoulders, hugging him closer for as long as he’ll allow.

Too soon he feels his head start to spin and his grip on Nandor’s shoulders loosens. The vampire senses it immediately and draws back with a feral growl. Guillermo is limp and breathless in his master’s arms. He looks up with heavy-lidded eyes and watches Nandor lick blood from his lurid, stained lips.

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo whispers, snuggling into Nandor’s chest with a contented sigh. His arousal is flagging and he hopes that his master hasn’t noticed. He’d felt Nandor’s rigid erection grinding against him while the vampire drank his blood, but he has no way of knowing if that’s just something that happens every time he feeds. Whatever the case, he’s far too weak and drunk with happiness to do anything but drift along and hope that Nandor keeps holding him.

Nandor’s dead heart squeezes in his chest at the sight of his sleepy familiar burrowing his face into his chest. His plan seems to have failed. He’d wanted to give Guillermo his fantasy while remaining aloof, but instead he’s feeling an annoying rush of warm affection. Worse, he’s shamed himself by...rutting against the human like a street dog. He should push him away, or give him an order to remind him of the boundaries that are still in place. But as he looks down at the sweet smile on his familiar’s lips he can’t find it in him to spoil the moment for him so soon. Tomorrow. Tomorrow night he’d remind Guillermo of how things still stand between them.

“Will you keep holding me, master?” Guillermo mumbles, his eyes drifting shut. The human has read his thoughts!

“Yes,” Nandor replies, leaning down and tracing a barely there kiss onto Guillermo’s forehead. “For a little while.”