#and the worst thing is i'm actually not !!! i have wonderful friends both irl and online . god i love yall so fucking much

[uitzinnigmp3]

.

[nicosraf]

Hello!! I hope this isn’t an odd/rude question to ask but it’s been on my mind a lot.

And forgive me if any of my assumptions about these characters are incorrect or if I’m just missing something, my media literacy isn’t always awesome hahaha

So anyways, we all know Rosier and Asmodeus’s relationship is pretty unhealthy, but if I’m remembering right I feel like I’ve seen some descriptions of their relationship that imply that they’re Both bad for each other.

Maybe I just wooby-ify Rosier too much because I love him lol, but I honestly have a bit of a hard time not seeing Asmodeus as the sole aggressor/one in the wrong regarding their relationship issues, and mostly only seeing Rosier as a victim of Asmodeus’s assault.

Perhaps Rosier’s wrongdoing just comes from his desire to stay with Asmodeus despite the pain and trauma it left him with? I’m not sure, but I was just wondering if there was something I may have missed that Rosier had done/currently does that would also hurt Asmodeus too?

I mean obviously other than cutting his head off but that was in self defense so I don’t count that haha. But then again, maybe that is what Rosier did wrong? I’m not sure lol

Hi! Not a rude question at all! I really like talking about Rosier (that's why he's getting his whole own novella (in case you didn't know, since I've only discussed this on my newsletter).

Rosier doesn't have... any wrongdoing, so to speak. In terms of his relationship with Asmodeus, he definitely hasn't done anything wrong. Asmo and Rosier are not a case of "they're both bad people so it's fine that they're toxic" (like Lucifer and Baal, for example, or even Lucifer and Michael in A&M). Rosier is a victim and there's not a lot of nuance about it. He was hurt and it wasn't his fault.

I'm not sure if you mean something I've said when you say "descriptions" but if you do, let me explain what I mean when I say that Rosier isn't that "good" of a person. (This isn't going to be "Rosier is toxic and evil too, and he's evil to Asmodeus" because he's not. He has (toxic) codependency issues with Asmodeus, but that doesn't make him evil. I mean, we can understand that as a result of the trauma of losing, you know, God.)

So to make it very clear, let me tell you about demon Rosier without bringing Asmodeus into the equation about Rosier's morality:

Rosier knows what Lucifer is up to all the time. He knows a lot of the awful things Lucifer is responsible for. Rosier might be out of place with the demons, but he's kind to them (see: Baal). He will clean up the blood of innocent people if Lucifer asked him to. He would do it if Baal asked him to. (Even if he's sad about it, he'd still do it). If Baal needed someone to comfort him after a mass murder, Rosier would hold him. If any horrible demon needed a shoulder to cry on, Rosier would offer his.

Rosier is a very kind person. He's actually what happens when you're too kind. He makes excuses and he allows bad people around him to do whatever they want. He's almost a complete bystander. He's not as trapped as he thinks himself to be. And (this is important in his novella) being a "good person" is about more than just smiling at people, it's about not letting bad things happen to innocent people. (Sometimes we read about horrible people irl and we're shocked by the family/friends around the perpetuators that just let them get away from it. We like to imagine they agreed with it, but the truth is that they probably just kept making excuses. They downplayed it because they loved them. (I used to know the son of a very bad man (a guy with a wiki page, so yeah it was bad), and though the man is locked up for life, the son loved his father. He loved him so much he just refused to think about the people his dad hurt. Does this make the son a bad person? Who knows, but it definitely puts his morality into question. I mean, are you really willing to forgive the worst crimes imaginable against innocent people just because you love someone or think that you do?))

This is also why demons can be annoyed with Rosier for acting so angelic. They think that Rosier is just as bad as everyone else just by virtue of never doing anything about the bad things. They think he just wants to feel better about himself.

So returning back to Asmo, yeah Rosier is not the aggressor here. Not even a little. Rosier's imperfect goodness exists even though he's a victim. (I feel like I say this a lot in relation to characters in the series but yeah — you can be a victim and do things of dubious morality). His imperfect goodness exists independent of Asmodeus (Lucifer, Baal, for example) but exists within the context of his love for Asmodeus, as well. Not that Asmodeus is hurt by it. Asmodeus is mostly hurt by his own actions and his own thoughts. If you asked Asmo, I think he would tell you that Rosier's never done anything wrong to him.

Anyway! This is really long! but Rosier's morality is very fun for me to talk about because of how complex it is. There's a line in his novella about how there are 2 kinds of demons: those that kill and those who knowingly welcome the killers home. And Rosier realizes that despite how kind and good he wants to be, despite his intent, he's become the latter.

In essence,

[sapphires-and-silver-linings]

Half-Life | Chapter Four

You realized then how delicate this all still was.

Pairing: Plaga!Leon S. Kennedy/F!Chubby!Paranormal Investigator!Reader

Tags: Fluff, Mutual Pining, Angst, Sexual Tension, Masturbation, Blood, Body Horror, Animal Injury & Death

Notes: Heeeeey, guys. It's been a minute since I last posted, but here is chapter 4 (finally)! My summer has been more busy and stressful than I ever could have imagined, so I'm happy to finally be able to finish this chapter, which is the longest chapter of anything I've ever written at just over 14k words!!! I keep breaking my own personal record every time I write, it feels like lol. I also think this is some of the best writing I've ever done and I'm extremely proud of it! Not sure when chapter 5 will come out, as school is starting back up for me soon and a couple people I know irl are getting married this fall, so I'll be traveling a lot as well. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it! Let me know your thoughts! (And here's a little behind-the-scenes tidbit: the painting I describe at the beginning of this chapter is actually in RE4R in the grand hall!)

Masterlist | Previous | Next

--------------------

You awoke before Leon, for once.

You couldn’t stop yourself from sitting up on your air mattress and looking at his curled-up form, finally allowed to take in his appearance fully without having to sneak a glance or risk embarrassing yourself and him by getting caught staring.

You had yet to see him so at peace until this moment. He was laid atop his blankets, nearly in the fetal position, one long arm tucked under his pillow while the other was slung across his exposed midriff. His appendages were retracted again and his tail was hanging off the side of the bed, twitching slightly in his slumber. His breaths were deep and even, and his messy blond hair covered his closed eyes.

Never in your life did you think a literal monster could be so damn cute—so damn attractive in ways most humans hadn’t been to you before. Even the ones you dated. You wondered what that said about you.

As you gazed at Leon, you were reminded of the day before, a lovely warmth settling over you like that of the sun spilling in from the window above.

You could feel yourself blush as you recalled him carrying you across the bridge; how he had plucked a flower just to stick it into your hair; the fact he was willing to dance with you in the dilapidated ballroom simply because you asked; the way he played into your little game as you sat upon the throne, faces so near, you could brush your nose against his if you had just moved a little bit closer.

But then he had pulled away, leaving you breathless… and confused.

You weren’t sure why he would humor you with the flirting and the lingering glances and the gentle touches just to distance himself again—why he was holding himself back.

It was maddening, and you struggled to muster the courage to ask him about it or take matters into your own hands. Because, if you were honest with yourself, you were terrified of what it would mean if you did.

Worst case scenario, he would reject you and send you away. It would sting, but you had grown accustomed to the feeling; almost expected it by now. Besides, you were going to leave anyway, weren’t you?

Best case scenario, though? He would reciprocate and then… what? What could come of this? Would you still go home and let this remain as some passionate, short-lived fling? Would you work out how to stay and leave your entire life—friends and family—behind? Or would you come and visit him when you could manage it, living some kind of half-life split between your world and his?

Every outcome you could think of seemed to hurt, and you thought maybe it would be better to keep things as they were; tense but platonic.

However, being with him was so easy. Natural as breathing (when he wasn’t stealing your breath away, that is). Sure, there had been hiccups and misunderstandings. The both of you were stubborn and set in your ways, but you put your differences to rest so quickly. 

But god, were you different. The type of different that you thought before meeting him would never work. As a human, he was handsome. Devastatingly so. Could have been a model, had he chosen another career.

And, most notably, he could have had anyone he wanted.

You had come to love your body with all its curves and marks, but you doubted he would even look your way if you had crossed paths in another life.

You knew it wasn’t fair to yourself or to him to compare who he was to who he is now, considering how much he had gone through over the years and his transformation. However, you couldn’t help but think the attention you were getting from him came from loneliness and nothing more.

If anyone else had been just as stupid and nosy as you, he probably would have acted this way towards them in your stead.

Could you so easily be replaced?

Your chest clenched painfully at the thought and you forced yourself to look away from him, eyes bouncing around the room until they landed on the painting hung on the nearby wall.

It was a beautiful depiction of the castle—how it must have looked when it was occupied by people instead of dust and crumbling stone. The colors were vibrant, and a couple in the foreground were walking away from it, arm in arm. You admired it for a long while, feeling a sense of serenity overtake your anxious mind for a moment.

And then memories of the day prior flooded it instead, how you and Leon had spent the rest of the evening making crude wooden frames for the paintings you had “borrowed” from the castle, carefully finding the best places to hang the new pieces on his once empty walls.

Leon acted like he didn’t care, letting you decide for him, but you caught him glancing at the artwork from time to time, a gentle smile on his face at the way they brightened up his home.

You knew once you left he would be lonely again. You hoped if you could make these changes for him it might be enough to keep him content, even for just a little while. And, selfishly, you felt that if you couldn’t have him, you could at least inject remnants of yourself into his life. Maybe then he’d think of you the way you knew you’d think of him until your last breath.

Everything about it was unfair.

You heard a rustle and a quiet call of your name, your gaze meeting the half-lidded one of Leon as he sat up to look at you. He let out a yawn, his impossibly wide mouth gaping open in a way you once thought to be terrifying, those razor teeth glinting in the low light of the morning sun. Now, as he blinked the sleep from his red eyes, you found it more endearing, like the maw of a cat. Precious in all its sharp edges.

“Good morning,” you told him softly, a smile playing on your lips as if you hadn’t nearly worried your teeth through them moments ago.

“Mornin’. You been up long?” he asked as he swept his hair from his face. You wished you could do it for him, but you pushed that thought deep down instead.

“Not long. Was just looking at the painting,” you replied, half-lying as you pointed at the artwork in question.

His gaze trailed up to it, a small grin alighting his bizarrely beautiful features. “It really was a great idea, bringing them back here. Makes the place a lot less depressing.”

“I have those, occasionally,” you joked, pulling yourself to your feet. “I’m gonna start breakfast if you’re interested in something other than fish.”

With a tilt of his head, he asked, “What’re you makin’?”

You smirked as you walked up to him. “You can find out for yourself if you get dressed and meet me downstairs.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, catching you off guard by leaning in close, so tall that even sitting down he was the same height as you were standing. “So demanding, bunny.”

You scoffed. “Forgive me. Please get dressed and meet me downstairs. Better?” 

“Baby steps.”

Splaying your hand against his chest, you teasingly shoved him, “Whatever. I’ll just cook without you.” 

He grabbed your wrist, clawed fingers cool against your skin, causing a shiver to run through you. “C’mon, you’re breaking my heart here.”

It was your turn to roll your eyes, pulling slightly against his hold. “Then be good and do as you’re told.”

He sighed dramatically, releasing you from his grip. “Yes, ma’am.”

You grinned triumphantly, gently tapping your finger against the tip of his nose. It caused him to scrunch up his face in a way that made you laugh, and then you turned on your heels and strolled to the door.

You glanced back at him as he stood and stretched. “Bacon and eggs, by the way.”

“Now that’s something I can’t pass up.”

“Figured.” And with that, you were on your way.

You kickstarted your morning by brushing your teeth and washing your face in the sink, then quickly got dressed so you could begin working on breakfast.

Leon was swift to join you, staying out of your way as he would be little help with his claws but keeping you company regardless. You made sure to leave his eggs runny and his bacon undercooked to abide by his more primal eating habits.

Soon enough, the two of you were at the table, sitting across from each other as was becoming the norm. It all felt so… domestic.

“Got any plans I need to know about?” he inquired after emptying his plate.

You swallowed the bite you had been chewing, glancing out of the nearby window. “It’s a nice day out. Pretty warm for autumn. Would that lake trip I mentioned yesterday be out of the question?” 

“Don’t see why we can’t. And there’s lots to see. I think you’re going to have a good time.” 

“With you? Always.”

You could have sworn a faint pink rose to his face, but he was quick to stand and place his used dishes in the sink, so you couldn’t be certain.

After a quick prep for the trip, you headed down to the lake, Leon helping you get onto the boat, which rocked violently as you stepped onto it, to your dismay. He chuckled as you grappled his shoulders to steady yourself, slowly lowering onto the bench beneath you.

“Not too keen on a swim, huh?” he teased you.

“Not fully clothed, at least,” you muttered in reply.

He simply smirked at that but didn’t respond. 

Leon smoothly directed the loud motorboat to the first location you had agreed upon back at the house, which was a small cave that held a wooden shack inside. It was such a strange little place, but you liked to hear the echo of your voices bounce off the cave walls, as well as the sound of the boat gently slapping against the dock.

The headless statue with the dark stains on it—that looked an awful lot like old blood—made you uneasy, but you could see yourself camping out at a place like this.

After that, Leon said he was taking you to what he called “chicken island”, which made you laugh. 

“Can’t imagine why they’d call it that,” you mused.

“It had chickens there if you can believe it,” was his deadpan response. 

And he didn’t lie. Although the birds were no longer present, many rusted cages full of straw nests were stacked across the small area and worn feathers littered the ground. There wasn’t much to it, as he had warned, but you felt the need to at least say you had been to such a silly place.

He then took you into another cave, pulling up to a large dock with only your flashlight as a guide. You climbed up the ladder to the deck above—a place that you had passed through to get to the lake in the first place—to sit on a crate and eat your lunch.

Time was passing rather quickly while out on the water, and you worried if you spent too much time dawdling, you’d have to come back the next day and waste precious hours you could be doing other things.

The end of your visit here was coming up sooner than you’d like, after all. 

You were halfway through your sandwich, giving the room a more intense sweep, when your eyes fell upon the elevator in the corner. You had pointed it out before, but Leon wasn’t keen on using it, as the generator keeping the thing in service had long since lost fuel. 

Apparently, there had been a shooting range with moving targets on the floor below, to your bewilderment. There was also one inside the castle and another in the mines beneath it, though Leon told you it was too dangerous to trek the old shafts. 

You glanced at the counter next to the elevator and a thought came to your mind. “Hey, Leon, you said there were moving targets in the shooting range, right?”

He looked at you quizzically but nodded, mouth full of sliced ham.

You giggled at the sight, but continued your questioning, “So if they were moving, was someone controlling them?”

He swallowed thickly before answering, “Yeah... This guy I just referred to as ‘The Merchant’. He popped up all over the village while I was trying to save Ashley. Helped me a lot by selling me supplies. He was in charge of the shooting ranges around here.”

“How did he know where you’d end up in time to set up shop? And how did he avoid getting infected with the parasite?” 

Leon clicked his tongue. “Your guess is good as mine. He was… weird… but he did me a solid, so I figured it would be best not to ask questions. Even sold me some things to live on after I turned. He never came back after that.”

“Do you wish he did?” you asked, unable to stop yourself from prying. It was a bad habit, you knew, but you couldn’t help it.

You wanted to get to know Leon in every capacity, even though leaving would only hurt worse if you did. You must've been a masochist, then. 

He sighed wearily, crossing his arms. “If I’m being honest… every day I wished someone would come back. Didn’t matter who. Used to lay awake at night and think about Claire or Ashely or Ad—” he paused at that, and you were going to ask what name he was about to say when he continued, “Anyway, I used to imagine them coming to find me. Just to say hi, I guess. To see how I was doing. But they never did. Not that they should. I told Ashley not to come back for her safety, and to not tell anyone I was alive. Don’t know why I hoped she’d break her promise.”

“Well,” you started, reaching over and wrapping your fingers around his hand, “at least I’m here.”

“Yeah, and I’m glad for it, even if it's just for a week.” He was staring down at your knuckles and you wanted nothing more than to coil your arms around him, but you refrained.

You considered him for a long moment instead, all your overthinking from earlier being tossed out of your mind as you promptly made a decision, saying, “I could always come back. Make this a yearly trip or something.”

His gaze jumped up to your own, then, shock evident in his pale features. “And why would you do that?”

You let out a huff of laughter. Was he really that clueless? Well, you weren’t about to give him the full truth—that you were utterly infatuated with him—instead replying, “Because I’m your friend, aren’t I?”

“Friend,” he repeated, voice low. Was there a hint of disappointment in his tone, or did you imagine it? “Yeah, I guess at this point, you really are. But I don’t know if it would be a good idea for you to come back.”

“Why?” You felt hurt by that, but you tried to hide it behind a nonchalant attitude, attempting to sound more curious than bitter.

“We’re wasting daylight,” he said instead of answering you, standing up from his crate. “We should keep moving.”

You stood up, too, confusion and frustration circling in your head like vultures. “Fine, but this conversation isn’t over, Leon.”

“Hm,” was all he replied, already making his way to the boat before you even finished zipping up your backpack. 

The short trip to the other side of the cave was one full of awkward silence. You didn’t want to show that you were annoyed, but it was difficult to mask it while he was giving you the cold shoulder.

You realized then how delicate this all still was. A few days together was not enough time for him to fully open up to you. You were upset, but he had a stormy history—one he wasn’t keen on sharing.

Whether it was to protect himself from the vulnerability or spare you from the weight of his past, you didn’t know. But you wanted nothing more than to assure him that he meant something to you. That he could trust you.

You kept your mouth shut.

Despite the change in attitude, Leon was still quick to help you out of the boat. It was something you appreciated, given your apparent lack of sea legs.

Your concerned thoughts were replaced with a renewed sense of awe, though, as you shone your flashlight over the cave walls and rushed forward. Leon simply followed behind you while you explored the place, as he made a habit of doing since your arrival.

You found another headless statue stained in dark brown, to your disgust, but not much else resided in the labyrinthine tunnels.

You went back to the boat, and as you were about to leave the area altogether, you pointed out another small dock nearby. “What’s over there? Can we go?”

He seemed hesitant, shoulders tensing, but he eventually nodded, pulling up alongside it.

Once on solid ground, you were swift in finding a painting on the cave wall, which was a large and very old map of the lake with what looked like a whale in the center.

“What is that?” You asked Leon, the uneasy silence from just before fading as your curiosity took root in its stead.

He grimaced as if remembering something terrible. “Del Lago. Giant fish monster in the lake. I killed it, though, so don’t worry.”

“Ah, a Spanish Nessie, then,” you teased despite your horror at such a concept. “Must have been old, if this painting is anything to go by.”

“Its body sank to the bottom of the lake pretty much as soon as I downed the thing,” he said, looking up at the depiction of the creature. “It’s almost a shame, what happened to it.”

“Why, cos you killed an ancient majestic beast?”

He turned to you with a smile. “No, cos I wasted all that meat.” 

You laughed and he chuckled in response, the awkward tension from earlier finally giving way to the easygoing banter you enjoyed so much.

“C’mon, there’s more to explore,” you urged, grabbing his wrist and pulling him along.

Near the mural was a shrine with two large hands sticking up from the cave floor, a head sitting in either stone palm.

Well, that explains the headless statues, you mused.

You moved on quickly after that, the cave giving way to a forested path. You made a face as you skirted past a sacrificial altar, gripping Leon a little tighter.

After having to crawl underneath a tiny gap in a stone formation, you made it to a fork in the path, a small building to your right, and a winding trail to your left.

“What’s over there?” you asked Leon as you pointed to the trail, leaning down to wipe the dirt from your clothes. 

He seemed to freeze before responding a little too quickly, “Not much. And that cabin just leads to another dock. We should head back to the boat.”

“Oh, c’mon, we’re already here! Might as well take a peek!” you chirped, marching onto the trail. 

Leon didn’t argue, but he was tense as he followed you up to the end of the path.

You were more than a little confused by what you found there.

“Graves?” you questioned aloud as you looked upon the two crosses made crudely of sticks, names carved into the wood. They weren’t next to each other like you’d expect, but spread apart and angled toward the center of the dead-end path. “How strange. The only other ones I’ve seen were in the church cemetery.”

“Yeah, strange,” Leon muttered behind you, sounding almost… nervous? You wondered why.

You leaned down to the cross on the left, barely able to make out the name “Luis Serra Novarro” on the wood. An old lighter was on the ground beside it. You wondered if it even worked anymore with how long it looked to be sitting there. 

You then crouched before the other cross, “Major Jack Krauser” etched messily upon the surface.

“Well, his name isn’t very local-sounding,” you joked of the latter.

Leon didn’t reply, but you were too distracted by what was dug into the ground in front of the cross to comment on it. It was a large knife with an engraving of a snake on its rusted blade.

“Wow, that’s cool,” you mused, reaching out to pull it from the dirt. It felt like a waste to leave such a well-crafted weapon just sitting there.

“Stop!” Leon barked, lunging forward and yanking your hand from where it brushed against the scales.

Shocked, you pulled away and stood up, taking a step back at the snarl on his face. “Whoa, what’s wrong? The thing booby-trapped or something?”

He sighed, his expression turning weary instead of angry. “No, just… would like to respect the dead.”

You tilted your head in confusion. “Respect the dead? You piled up human corpses at the entrance to the village. Not sure how that’s exactly—” You stopped mid-sentence, realization hitting you as you took in the miserable look on Leon’s face. “You… you knew these guys, didn’t you?”

He grimaced at your words but slowly nodded in response.

“Who were they?”

Leon crossed his arms over his chest tightly, as if to hug himself, before jerking his head to the grave on the left. “Luis helped me and Ashley. He actually saved me from him, too,” he said, looking at the grave to the right. “He was killed by that very knife.”

“Why bury this guy next to your friend if he murdered him?” You were flabbergasted by this whole thing, desperate to make sense of Leon’s strange actions.

He winced at that. “He was my mentor. Trained me to be an agent in the first place. Without him, I don’t think I could have survived.”

“What caused him to change?”

Leon decided to plop onto the ground, his tail whipping in agitation along the dirt. You joined him, sitting cross-legged beside his slouched figure, waiting for him to say something.

“He was betrayed by the very country he fought to protect. His whole unit was wiped out and he was badly injured, unable to fight like he used to. He ended up going MIA and joined the cult. They infected him with the Plagas, too. I had to fight him. I had to—” he stopped to take a steadying breath, “I had to kill him. With that same blade. His blade.”

“I’m so sorry, Leon,” was all you could offer him, placing your hand over his and squeezing gently. He closed his claws into a fist and squeezed back.

“I buried Luis first,” he began. “Had to go into the mines to retrieve his body, ferry it out here. Then I went to the island on the other side of the castle to find Krauser. The whole place had collapsed in on itself, but I had hoped I could get to him. Dug in the rubble for days, but… couldn’t find a body. The knife is all I had left of him, so now it’s here.”

“I see,” you said quietly, staring down at the muddled reflection of Leon’s dirt-covered leg in the rusted blade. “Why’d you place their graves so far out of the way?”

“It’s secluded. Quiet. Peaceful,” he replied, head tilting towards the sky and closing his eyes. “Figured I would bury Wolfie here, too, when he eventually dies. Just thought it would be a good place to…”

You saw him swallow back his words.

“A good place to what?”

He sighed and shook his head before looking at you, those red eyes so hauntingly melancholy, it made your heart ache. “A good place to rest.”

The two of you sat quietly in the dirt, simply holding hands and watching the breeze ripple through the foliage surrounding you.

He’s right, you thought, comforted by the shade of trees, yet still able to make out the blue of the sky above, it is a good place to rest.

You knew Leon grieved the life he once lived, so evident in the way he carried himself—the way he spoke. But this kind of loss was news to you. You never realized just how much weight he carried.

You were determined to lighten the burden in any way you could.

“Come on,” you told him, finally standing. “We have one last stop, don’t we?”

He didn’t need your help to get to his feet, but he still took your outstretched hand, giving you a small, grateful smile when he towered over you once more. “Yeah. We do.”

Before you knew it, you were back on the motorboat, heading straight to the center of the lake for your last location.

You had seen the old, half-sunk fishing vessel from the shore, but wanted to explore it last for the hell of it. You were glad you made that decision, hoping that spending more time on the calm waters might lift Leon’s spirits.

He came to a stop at the port of the large wooden boat, gracefully exiting onto the dilapidated vessel before reaching his hand out and pulling you onto the algae-slick deck with him.

“Careful,” he warned, releasing his hold on you. “The boards are pretty damaged. Wouldn’t want you to fall through.”

“Yes, sir,” you teased, but you took your time walking around, just in case. You heard him chuckle as you shuffled slowly forward, giving him a lighthearted glare in response. 

There really wasn’t much to see of the place, only able to access the front of it. 

You leaned against the railing of the bow after a brief sweep of the area, looking out onto the blue, blue water. It was beautiful, and you could see why Leon would spend hours fishing out here beyond catching a meal or two.

You glanced over your shoulder at him, finding him leaning against the front of the cockpit, his eyes already on you. You wished you knew what he was thinking when he looked at you like that. You hid your blush by turning back around.

You placed your hands on the railing, a light giggle escaping you as a thought crossed your mind.

“What’s so funny?” he questioned, and you knew he was smiling without needing to face him.

You tapped your fingers on the wood. “You ever see the movie Titanic?”

He scoffed but didn’t answer, instead stepping closer. Before you knew what was happening, he had gently tugged your arms up, holding them in the air as he leaned down to place his chin on your shoulder. Your breath was caught in your throat by the proximity, his own tickling your cheek.

“Was this what you had in mind, bunny?” he asked you, voice low and teasing in a way that made your stomach flip. You kept your arms up as he slid his hands down to rest on your waist and you wondered if you would pass out from your inability to pull oxygen into your lungs.

You needed to get yourself together, so you forced out a nervous laugh before saying, “If only we had Celine Dion playing in the background. I think we’d be dead ringers for the remake.”

Leon laughed heartily. “I can’t imagine they’d do a remake of such a nineties classic.”

You giggled, turning slightly to meet his eye. “They remake everything these days.”

“Well, I don’t think I have what it takes to play Jack, but you’re pretty enough to go on the big screen.”

Oh. 

That compliment made heat flood your whole body, though you didn’t want him to notice it. “What are you talking about? You’re practically Leo DiCaprio two-point-oh.”

“Mm, maybe ten years ago,” he mused, pulling away from you, to your chagrin. “C’mon, we should head back to the house.”

You pouted as you turned to face him. “But I don’t want to yet!”

“Well, there’s not much left to do out here,” he replied, as if coaxing you to follow his lead.

But that wasn’t exactly your style, now was it? 

Instead, you let your hair down from its messy bun, kicked off your shoes and socks, and yanked your shirt over your head.

Leon’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as you stripped in front of him, pulling your jeans off and leaving yourself only in your underwear. You could tell he was trying not to stare, focusing solely on your face as he choked out, “What the hell are you doing?!”

Still, you saw his gaze drop to your bare skin. You felt utterly exposed, but you weren’t ashamed.

In fact, you felt good.

You felt free.

You sat on the railing of the boat, smiling wickedly at him as you flipped your legs over the edge. “I told you if I was going to have a swim, it wouldn’t be fully clothed, didn’t I?”

Before he could say anything else, you plunged into the water.

It was so cold, you locked up for a moment, your body shocked by the sudden change in temperature. You stayed under for a few seconds, willing yourself to adjust before breaching the surface.

You wiped the water from your eyes, blinking up at Leon as he hung off the bow of the boat. It looked like he was about to dive in after you, as if he was worried you wouldn’t come back up.

His concern for you warmed you right up.

“Are you serious?” he interrogated, breathing out a sigh of disbelief. “You said it was too cold to bathe out here, but you’ll take an afternoon swim?”

“Definitely too cold for a bath,” you replied, nodding sagely. “But you should still come join me!”

“Absolutely not. You’re crazy, you know that?”

You smiled, all teeth. “What was your first clue, sweetheart?”

He scoffed. “You showing up here in the first place, probably.” 

“So…” you began, “you should learn to expect the unexpected. And jump in. I know the cold doesn’t bother you, Leon.”

He sighed, staring over at the shore for a moment before turning to face you once more. “Fine.”

You whooped in victory as he stepped back from the railing, and then bit your lip as you watched him pull off his shirt, revealing his lean, taut upper body. His legs were obscured by the boat as he tore his pants from them, but you got a good look when he leapt onto the ledge of the bow. You had to crane your neck to take in all of him, grazing your eyes up his muscled form, covered only by boxer briefs.

Before you could stare for too long, he dove into the water behind you, and you covered your eyes as it splashed up in a small wave.

He quickly rose to the surface, flipping his blond hair from his face.

“See? Not so bad,” you told him, paddling closer to where he was treading.

“Guess not.”

You were about to speak again when you felt something large slither along your leg. You yelped, pulling your body away from the sensation. “Oh my god, something just touched me!” 

Leon shrugged. “Probably just a fish.”

“No, no, it was definitely a snake!” you told him, eyes staring down as if you could see into the dark water.

“It’s possible. There’re vipers in the area, I told you that before.” He seemed to be taking joy in your distress and you glared at him angrily for it.

“Leon, if that’s true, I need out RIGHT now.”

You began to swim towards the motorboat, suddenly very over this whole situation, when something touched your leg again. You screamed as it wrapped around your ankle, pulling you under the water.

You weren’t under for very long, whatever it was almost immediately releasing you. You sputtered as you pushed your head above the surface, panicking.

But then you heard Leon laughing hysterically nearby, and the realization that he was just screwing with you hit you like a brick.

“Oh, you asshole!” you yelled, wading back over to him and shoving his chest in rage.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just had to,” he told you between laughs.

“Yeah, you will be.” With that, you splashed his face with water, feeling smug that you got him before he could use his arm as a shield.

You splashed him a few more times until he lunged toward you, grabbing your arms, “Okay, we’re even now. Happy?”

He released you and you pretended to think about it for a moment, easing closer. Your faces were mere inches apart, and you wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him. You weren’t sure how the action would even work, considering his protruding fangs, but that didn’t stop you from wanting to find out. 

He seemed to edge nearer, and you wondered if he had the same idea.

But your nerves got the better of you.

Instead, you jumped up and shoved his shoulders down, dunking him completely under the water.

It was your turn to laugh as he came back up, his wet hair covering his eyes. “Now I’d say we’re even.”

He pushed the strands from his face and shook his head, chuckling. “Yeah, I deserved that.”

Before you could say something else, the sky seemed to darken suddenly. You still had a couple hours of daylight left, so you glanced up, confused. You saw that clouds had converged over the sun, looking awfully heavy.

Something splattered against your forehead, and you wiped it off, realizing it was a raindrop. Several more began to fall on and around you, and you knew it was time to head back to shore.

You and Leon quickly got dressed as the sprinkle of rain turned into a steady shower, dampening your once-dry clothes. Still, you made the time to glance at Leon’s cute butt as he leaned down to pull up his pants, and when you turned to put on your own, you could feel his eyes on you too.

Thankfully, Leon decided to head back to the cave, the rain only coming down harder as you finally entered it. Leon moored the boat, and the two of you hurried through to the quarry. 

A flash of light streaked across the sky as you reached the church, the echoing BOOM that followed it making you jump out of your skin. You must’ve looked like a wet chihuahua with how you shook, both from the sound and the cold rain seeping down to the bone.

Leon turned to face you, his expression concerned. He got close, placing his palms against your arms. “You’re freezing. C’mon, let’s get you home.”

Despite your misery, you couldn’t help but feel warmed by his words.

Let’s get you home.

He said it like it was yours, too.

He grabbed your hand, tugging you along as you rushed back to his place, knowing it was still quite a trek.

You finally made it to the house, and you doubled over as soon as you crossed the threshold, panting heavily from practically jogging the whole way. You were shivering violently, your teeth chattering as you finally caught your breath, when you felt Leon lay his hand across your back.

“Hey, you should get changed. I’ll start a fire,” he urged, eyes soft as he looked at you.

You nodded, doing as he said, wringing your drenched clothes over the tub before hanging them on the sides of it.

Feeling slightly better, you went back into the main room, seeing that Leon had pushed the dining table over and moved the couch in front of the fireplace, where a stack of logs was piled in the hearth.

He was struggling with the matches again, so you gently took them from his hands, alighting the kindling yourself. He simply nodded at you before you sat down on the couch and reached your hands towards the slowly growing flames.

“You’re soaked,” you told him. “Go change. I’ll make dinner when we warm up.”

He smiled down at you as he stood, stroking the top of your head. You never wanted him to stop. “Be right back, then.”

You were finally losing the chill as he returned, sitting down beside you, his tail draped between you on the seat.

Another loud crash of lightning made you cry out, flinching.

“Whoa, there,” he said softly. “You okay?”

You grimaced. “Yeah, I’m not… the biggest fan of storms. I like the rain when I’m cozied up inside, but thunder and lightning… I don’t know. It freaks me out.”

“So you’re afraid of heights, snakes, and storms. Anything else I should know about?” he asked lightheartedly.

You rolled your eyes. “I’m not afraid of heights, just falling off a shoddy bridge, thank you very much. And snakes only scare me when they’re venomous and I think they’re slithering around my leg.”

His tail flicked up as you stared pointedly at it, the movement incredibly cute to you. He could really be just like a cat sometimes.

“I stand corrected. Just storms, then,” he teased.

The conversation flowed to other things, but looking around, you realized with sudden concern that Leon’s dog wasn’t nearby. “Hey, where’s Wolfie? Was he upstairs?”

Leon’s brows furrowed at that, standing and glancing around the room. “No… he wasn’t. He usually doesn’t stay out when it storms.” 

“Is he okay?” you questioned.

Leon crossed his arms. “I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe staying somewhere out of the rain.”

You nodded, though you worried for the poor dog’s safety.

As you promised, you made dinner—a roast, actually—and you had never seen Leon so excited by something you had cooked thus far (though he wouldn’t touch the potatoes, onions, and carrots that simmered alongside it).

As you worked on washing dishes, you saw Leon staring out of one of the windows, and you knew he was looking for Wolfie. You finished the chore, walking into the main room to stand beside him.

“He’s never been gone this long,” Leon stated with a frown.

You worried your bottom lip. “Maybe… Maybe we should go find him.”

Leon glanced at you, then, brow raised. “I’ll go find him. You should stay here.”

“No way,” you argued, already pulling on your hiking boots. “I’m not letting you go out there alone.”

“You could catch a cold, and that bear is still around. Besides, you hate the thunder and lightning, and it's only getting worse.”

“Well, I’m worried about him too. I want to help.”

He sighed as you stood upright, seeing the determination in your eyes. “Fine, but dress warm.”

You nodded vigorously. “I have a raincoat and a jacket, don’t worry.” 

You quickly ran to your luggage, throwing on your hoodie, sliding the raincoat over it, and grabbing your flashlight from your backpack.

You met Leon at the door, the two of you heading out into the dark.

You kept your arm braced above your brows to block the rain from your eyes, the hoods of your jacket and coat pulled over your head still not enough to prevent the onslaught, raking your flashlight over the ground as you and Leon called Wolfie’s name.

You didn’t know how long you were in the storm, and although the clothes on your top half helped to keep you dry and warm, your legs were getting soaked through. You pushed past the discomfort, your concern for Leon’s animal companion taking precedence.

The look of worry on his face was compelling enough to keep moving forward on its own.

You were near the church again, calling out the dog’s name as loud as you could, getting desperate to find him safe, when you heard Leon gasp beside you.

“What?” you questioned.

“This way,” was all he responded, bounding through the woods at a speed you could barely keep up with.

Leon was taking you deep into the forest, and you could focus on little else but his darting form as you followed him, afraid to be left behind in the dark.

You thought you were gaining on him when you tripped over a root, cutting your knee as you fell to the ground, hard. You were quick to pick yourself back up, sprinting after him and gritting your teeth against the pain.

You lost him, though, the realization filling you with panic. You just continued running in the direction you saw him taking off, calling after him frantically.

The thunder rumbled deafeningly from above, making you cower in fright, but you knew you had to keep going. The darkness seemed to encroach upon you, the torrent of rain pelting against your whole body hard enough to hurt.

You don’t think you had ever felt this afraid.  

To your relief, you finally caught up to Leon, but it was short-lived when you took in what was ahead of you.

Leon was crouched over, and you could hear him muttering in distress. Before him was Wolfie, laying motionless on his side, four streaks of dark red seeping out of his white fur.

You rushed forward, dropping onto your injured knee, not caring how badly it stung as you assessed the animal in front of you. He was still breathing, thankfully, and letting out quiet little whimpers. The wounds looked deep as you appraised them, wondering what could have done this to him.

As if reading your mind, Leon growled, “It was that damn bear.”

You didn’t respond as he stripped his shirt off, easily ripping it into strips. They were soaked through with rain, but it was better than nothing.

“Here buddy,” Leon reassured Wolfie as he grabbed his own tail.

“What are you doing?”

Ignoring you, he gently pricked the barbed end into the dog’s side, who yelped and writhed at the feeling before near-instantly relaxing.

“Kills the pain,” is all he offered as you looked at him in shock. He then shoved the strips of cloth into your hands. “I’m gonna lift him up and I want you to wrap these around him, okay?”

He’d only ever been this serious when protecting you from that bear two days prior, and you swallowed before nodding in response.

You began to carefully slide the first strip over one of the gashes, about to tie it off, when Leon interjected, “Tight, but not too tight.”

“Got it,” you said, fingers shaking as you followed his direction for each wound. You weren’t sure if it was the cold or the nerves but you managed it well enough.

When you were done, Leon stood. Wolfie was held in his arms, the dog’s blood smearing against his bare chest. It made your stomach twist with unease.

“I have bandages in my first-aid kit,” you told him as he began the trek back to the path, trying to keep up with his long, hurried gait.

“He’s lost a lot of blood,” Leon said. “We can change the bandages, but I don’t know if he’s… I don’t know if he’ll make it.”

You couldn’t reply, tears pricking your eyes at the thought.

Leon’s voice wavered as he continued, “I know he’s old. I knew I’d lose him eventually. But not like this. Not this soon…” 

You pushed back your tears, sadness giving way to conviction. “After we replace the bandages, I’m gonna take him to the vet, okay? You’ll have to carry him to my car, but I think if we’re fast, we can do this.” 

“What if he dies on the way there?” Leon asked miserably, “I don’t want to be away from him in his last moments.”

“I know it’s a risk, but we have a real chance of saving him, Leon. You told me to trust you yesterday, right? Well, now I need you to trust me.”

He seemed so conflicted but eventually nodded, his features solemn. “Okay. I’ll trust you.”

You reached over and squeezed his arm comfortingly.

God, I hope I’m right about this.

+++

It had been a long time since Leon felt this afraid.

He had lost everything once, and was forced to spend a decade trying to survive the hole that loss gouged out of him. Just a void sitting inside his chest, the edges slowly creeping out to devour what was left.

Wolfie had been there for him in ways humans never were. Even when he wasn’t this grotesque monstrosity, he would rather die than burden someone else with his innate brokenness, preferring to mask it with his need to help or his oftentimes cynical sense of humor.

The truth of the matter? He didn’t know who he was when he wasn’t useful to someone. When he wasn’t a protector. He had never felt so unmoored, going without this self-imposed purpose to drive him forward.

Wolfie had renewed that purpose a month after his transformation, when Leon was at his lowest. He limped up to him with a swollen leg after being bit by a viper, clearly recognizing him despite his mutated features. He had done all he could to nurse the poor dog back to health, and Wolfie hadn’t left his side since.

He sometimes wondered if it was fate that brought them together again—if he allowed himself to believe in something beyond the mundane—but he had renounced god and any other spiritual bullshit ages ago.

He looked down at the dog in his arms, no longer in pain due to his venom’s painkilling properties, but his breaths were still concerningly shallow. He wanted nothing more than to sprint full speed back to the house but worried the movement would only exacerbate Wolfie’s injuries.

He wasn’t completely sure he was okay with letting you take his dog from him—not wanting to miss any precious time he might have left—but he agreed that it was worth a shot to bring him to the vet clinic, even if he couldn’t join you.

He glanced over at you, your teeth gnawing into your bottom lip as you silently walked beside him, and was at least glad you were here with him in this nightmare. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to do this alone.

Eventually, you made it to the house, and he moved aside to let you open the door for him. You both rushed into the building, you grabbing your first-aid kit and a pair of scissors.

You were quick to find the proper bandages, and Leon just held Wolfie’s body out so you could cut off the bloodied strips of his shirt and re-wrap the wounds. Your hands were shaking, but you were careful and methodical, so he didn’t comment on it.

When you finished, you grabbed a blanket and a towel, laying them on the dining table so Leon could bundle the dog tightly inside to protect him from the rain. It was a bit of a walk to the hunting lodge, after all.

You moved away to wash your hands and find your car keys, but Leon could only stare down at your leg as you came back into the room. There were mud and grass stains, which he expected, though he was caught off guard by the knee of your jeans being torn, bright red trickling down your shin in a small but steady stream.

“What happened to your leg?” he questioned, unable to recall when you could have gotten the injury.

“Oh, it's nothing. I just tripped when I was chasing after you. Nearly lost you completely because of it, but I found you pretty fast,” you told him nonchalantly as you packed your bag.

He felt his stomach drop at your words, realizing that he hadn’t once looked back to check on you during his mad dash to find Wolfie. The thought that you were hurt and lost in the middle of the woods during a storm that scared you, and he just left you there, making bile rise to his throat.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I should have waited for you… I didn’t even know you weren’t behind me anymore…”

You shook your head, smiling at him, but the expression couldn’t hide the exhaustion in your eyes. “It’s okay, I promise. You were worried about Wolfie. I don’t blame you.”

“It’s not okay,” he seethed, his own self-hatred pooling into his chest. “I left you alone in a storm! In the dark! What if that bear was still around, huh? It could have killed you and I left you there, with nothing to defend yourself with!”

“Leon, I’m fine. Nothing happened beyond this little cut.” Your voice was calm and he wished he could hate it. Hate you for how you could talk him into or out of almost anything.

It had been mere days. He didn’t know you, and yet he trusted you implicitly. Trusted you with the life of his only companion.

And then, when he asked you to trust in him, he had sabotaged it in an instant.

He didn’t respond, knowing he might say something he’d regret, so he only watched as you quickly rolled up your pant leg to blot and disinfect the cut. He disliked seeing you in pain, witnessing the way your face screwed up as you used peroxide on the small wound—heard the hiss you made as it bubbled up on your broken skin.

You were wrapping one of the extra bandages over it when Leon looked out the window, the storm only hitting harder as the hours passed. “Maybe we should wait it out. You shouldn’t be driving in this.”

You sighed as you unrolled the leg of your jeans, walking over to stare into the dark with him. “Under normal circumstances, you couldn’t pay me to go out in this weather. But I don’t think we have time to waste, Leon.”

You both glanced over at Wolfie on the table, wrapped up and hopefully comfortable in the blanket. Leon had no choice in this if he didn’t want to lose his dog.

He was meant to protect him and now he was sending him off with someone most people would call a stranger.

Any quality of his that could be halfway useful in this situation, and he wasn’t even there when Wolfie was attacked. And now his only companion was bleeding out on his dining table and he could do nothing to stop it but put him in someone else’s care and hope he lived.  

Leon had all this strength, all these heightened senses. His entire body was deemed a weapon. And yet he couldn’t even save his dog.

What was the point of any of it, then?

And what would he have done if you weren’t there to help him? Watch Wolfie slowly die, helpless to prevent it?

Worse still, what if it was you who had been attacked?

He imagined your lifeless body lying in his arms, frightened eyes wide and staring off into nothing, drenched in blood that wouldn’t stop pouring out of you, and he could do absolutely. Fucking. Nothing.

“Come on, Leon. We have to go,” came your gentle voice, pulling him out of his dark thoughts. 

He only nodded in response, grabbing Wolfie and heading back out into the downpour, beyond the safety of his home.

The two of you trudged in silence through the village, the storm raging above your heads. He could practically sense your anxiety coming off of you in waves, but you were doing your best to remain stoic. He didn’t know if it was to calm yourself or him, but he appreciated the attempt.  

Finally, you made it to the hunter’s lodge, and you spoke up as soon as the door shut out the torrent. “I was wondering, how did you know where Wolfie was? Back there in the forest?”

“The storm dampened it, but I could hear him whimpering from the path. When I got close enough, I could smell the blood.”

“Right, super senses. Thank god for ‘em.”

He glanced at you sharply. “I’d rather have stopped him from getting hurt in the first place.”

“Hey, I know this sucks, but he’s alive and he’s going to stay that way if I have a say in it.”

He really took you in at that. Your face was wet, strands of your hair sticking to your forehead, but the fire in your eyes…

He had no way to know if things would work out the way you wanted, but your conviction—your unyielding, infectious hope—quelled the needling fear, if only for a moment. 

He might not believe in god, but angels must be real if you were standing beside him.

You made it to the car shortly after, Leon gently placing Wolfie into the backseat as you threw your bag into the passenger side and sat behind the wheel.

You turned the ignition, the vehicle roaring to life as Leon looked down at you, urging, “Please be careful. I might lose Wolfie, but I can’t lose you too.”

“I will be. I promise.” Before you closed the door, you glanced back up at him, asking, “What are you going to do while we’re gone?”

He clenched his clawed hands into fists, feeling the sharp edges dig into his skin as he grated out, “I’m going to kill that fucking bear.”

You looked shocked by his words but nodded in agreement. “Okay. Good luck.”

And with that, you closed the door.

Leon stepped back to let you drive off, knowing that the fate of his companion was out of his hands.

He exhaled harshly and turned on his heels, ready for the hunt.

Now this is what he was good for.

Shifting onto all fours, Leon was quick to shed his more human qualities for the sake of the kill, sprinting faster than he ever had on his legs alone. He focused solely on his senses to direct him through the downpour and to his prey, feeling his claws digging into the wet earth below.

As he had told you earlier, the storm dampened his abilities, but that wouldn’t stop him from reaching his objective.

In fact, it only made him more hellbent on completing it. 

It took him nearly an hour to find where the massive animal was lurking: a cave not far from where he had found Wolfie bleeding into the mud.

Despite its size, there was not much of a fight as Leon latched those deadly teeth of his around its throat and ripped. It barely had time to even register him launching at it before it was wheezing and choking on its own blood.

In this form, Leon was too proficient at killing. A part of him—deep, deep down—wanted to take his time tearing the beast limb from limb, listen to it roar and whine in agony before he finally put it out of its misery.

When its jilted movements eventually stilled, blood coating the cave floor and Leon from his mouth to the knees of his dirty pants, he stumbled back into the wall and closed his eyes tightly.

Vengeance. It was something he understood, but he didn’t see the point of it. Blood for blood’s sake never sat right with him. He only sought to kill out of necessity—to survive.

And yet, here he was, bloodlust finally fading as the bear’s large corpse laid before his weary gaze.

He could pretend all he wanted that this was an act of protection, a means to prevent further attacks in the future, but the sadistic glee he felt when his teeth sunk into warm flesh… there was nothing to excuse that.

This bear was simply living as it was born to do, even in its aggression.

Maybe Leon really was losing his humanity. Not a descent into a mindless killing machine, but a dissipation of self—fully aware of his own cruelty, but basking in it instead of rebuking it. 

He wasn’t sure which version scared him most.

He had to make this worth it, then. He had to alleviate this burning shame and break apart the guilt sitting heavy in his gut like a stone.

And so, with care, he carved up the carcass of the once dignified beast and devoured it, leaving only bones and fur in his wake.

It was the only form of reverence he could convey.

He dug a shallow hole in the mud beside the cave, laying the gory remains inside before covering it once more.

The storm had finally started to clear as he finished the task, the scent of petrichor not quite able to hide that of blood. 

Unsure of how long it would take for you to return with news of Wolfie’s condition, he rushed over to the hunter’s lodge to wait out the hours.

They passed slowly. Agonizingly. All he could do was curl in on himself and sit just inside the door of the old building, wet with rain and blood and mud. 

He once thought his initial transformation was the worst he had ever felt, that it was rock bottom. Before that, it had been what transpired in this village. And before that, it had been the disaster of Raccoon City.

He realized bitterly there was always further to fall.

He wasn’t sure why you were so adamant to befriend him like this. To help him. Was this pity? Was Leon some charity case for you? 

But then he thought of the way you smiled at him, the look on your face as he joined you in the cold water of the lake, the way you drifted to him like you were caught in his orbit and couldn’t fight the pull. 

The thought that maybe, just maybe, you felt the way he did… it was a jolt across his slumped form.

However, nothing could change what he was. His nature, it was a vicious one. And someday, you might not survive the animal that unfurled inside of him—through him.

Whatever happened after tonight, he knew one thing: his only escape was death.

He would simply wait out the end of your trip, selfishly wanting to wring out any joy he might find in your company, and if Wolfie survived the night, he would send him home with you to live out the rest of his days. He was certain you would take good care of him, provide for him better than Leon could ever hope.

But, he was reminded, Wolfie might not survive.

And it was Leon’s neglect that was to blame.

Useless, useless, useless, he repeated like a mantra in his head. 

He never imagined he’d have more to lose than he already did. More to ruin.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, the dawn breaking up the night. The sun’s warmth upon his skin did little to lighten his mood—as it burned more than soothed—but then he thought of the way your soft flesh felt against his and he nearly fell into a dream, eyes drifting shut.

He shot up suddenly at the sound of an approaching vehicle, though, his misery morphing into an all-consuming apprehension.

Was he prepared to grieve?

Your car finally pulled up near the lodge, and he rushed to the side of it, his heart palpitating as he stared into the backseat window.

He saw Wolfie laying there, breathing slow and steady.

He was alive.

Leon had never felt so relieved. 

He turned to face you as you opened the door, looking up at him with tired eyes.

Your expression turned to full-blown concern when you took in his appearance, reaching out to touch the blood staining his bare chest. “Are you okay?”

Leon placed his fingers over your hand, holding it close to him, the warmth of it more of a balm than the sun ever was. “I’m fine. It isn’t mine.” 

You sighed, eased by his words. “You found the bear, I take it?”

He nodded solemnly. “It won’t bother us anymore.” You didn’t reply and he looked back at Wolfie’s unconscious form once more. “How did everything go? Will he be alright?”

“It went great. He got stitches and a blood transfusion, and they kept him overnight for observation. Went ahead and got him a few shots when they said he was in the clear this morning. He took it all like a champ.” You dropped your hand, to Leon’s chagrin, grabbing your bag from the passenger seat. “They told me to change his bandages every few hours and monitor for any infection. Gave me antibiotics and a few days' worth of painkillers. He should be just fine.”

“What did you tell them about the injury?” he questioned, suddenly concerned by what information you might have let slip in your distress.

“Don’t worry, I told them he got attacked while I was out camping. No specifics, I promise.” A look of realization then dawned on your features, to his confusion, before you began sifting through your bag.

You then pulled out a blue collar from its depths. It jingled as you held it up to Leon, shot tags dangling behind a bone-shaped one at the front, sporting the dog’s name and what he assumed was your number. 

“Picked this up before I took him from the clinic. Hope he’ll wear it,” you said, shrugging as you stood from the car.

A flood of emotions washed over Leon, then, namely an overwhelming sense of gratitude for what you had done for him. It went deeper than the collar in your hand, deeper than even saving his dog. 

You had faced a storm for him, soaked to the bone and afraid. You suffered being lost in darkness with an injured knee, even if it was only briefly. You drove through a torrent and stayed up all night to make sure his companion would live. You witnessed him covered in blood and filth and you reached out…

You were always reaching out.

Before he could think it through, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into a tight embrace. He felt your plush body pressed against his hard edges—heard the way you gasped in shock. You almost immediately settled into it, though, holding him in turn despite the drying grime flaking onto your clothes.

“Thank you, for everything,” he murmured, face buried into your neck, the natural smell of you drifting to his nose. It was all at once sweet and grounding.

There was so much more he wanted to say, but this would have to suffice, the words caught in his throat.

“I’d do it all again in a heartbeat,” you whispered, your small hands sliding across his back soothingly.

The warmth of you made him ache, made his eyes burn, never wanting to let you go.

He knew he must.

The walk back to the house was a silent one, the only sounds the rainwater dripping onto the ground and the squelching of mud underfoot, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. The two of you were just exhausted and still reeling from how the night had spiraled to near tragedy. 

Leon glanced down at Wolfie’s sleeping form in his arms, so drugged up on pain meds he likely wouldn’t wake for anything. He gave the dog’s head a gentle stroke, beyond relieved that, for now, it wouldn’t be the last time. 

The three of you entered Leon’s home, deciding that you would bring Wolfie’s bed and blankets downstairs, nestling them beside the fireplace to keep him comfortable and prevent him from exerting himself more than necessary once he was up and moving again. 

Once the dog was settled in, Leon could only stand and stare, worried that if he took his eyes off of him for a moment, he might die in his absence.

“I’ll make you up a bath, Leon,” you said quietly from the kitchen, already bringing a large pot to boil on the stove. “You could really use one.”

He sighed, finally dragging his gaze from Wolfie so that he could level it on you. “Don’t worry about that. I can just clean up at the lake.”

You huffed indignantly, approaching him and taking him in—in all his filthy, monstrous glory. “No way. You need a nice hot bath, and that’s that.”

“You’re stubborn as hell, you know that?” he replied, scoffing good-naturedly. In truth, the thought of you caring for him like this made his heart beat a little faster. 

“Oh, I know,” you said with a smile, one that was so sweet, he would hold on to the sight of it for the rest of his life, “but it’s what you like about me.”

He found himself chuckling for the first time since last night, always so surprised by your ability to pull him out of his misery.

“Not the only thing,” he said lowly, fingers twitching at his sides to reach out and touch you again. 

Your cheeks flushed pink at his words, but you shook your head and laughed. “Go on, sit down for a bit while I finish what I started.”

He wanted to argue—to assist you in your task—because being waited on like this was something he had never been used to. Instead, he did as he was told, plopping down next to Wolfie on the floor and petting him to pass the time. 

He had almost fallen asleep again, unable to fight his eyes from drooping closed, when you called to him, informing him his bath was ready. He stood and stretched, yawning as he met you at the entrance of the side room. 

“Here,” you told him, a pile of his clothes, a towel, and a washcloth in your arms, “knock yourself out. Well, don’t really.” 

He took them gratefully, smiling at your ridiculous comment as he thanked you and disappeared behind the corner. 

He quickly shed what was left of his tattered clothes, dropping them haphazardly onto the floor before stepping into the tub and lowering himself in the water.

It was hot, but it didn’t burn. In fact, it was rather soothing as it lapped at his skin. The tub was almost too small for him, however, his knees peeking out of the water from having to fold his long legs.

It was cramped but not completely uncomfortable. He sunk in a little further, letting out a pleased sigh. 

This was definitely better than the lake, that was for sure. 

Before he could relax fully, he caught sight of something on the side table next to him. He turned his head and instantly regretted it.

It was a makeup mirror you had brought, and it was angled in a way he could stare directly at his own reflection.

It made him flinch.

He didn’t look away, however, gritting his teeth against the image of himself he had loathed from the moment he transformed. But not only was he faced with his monstrous visage once more, he could now see the blood and dirt caked onto his skin, exposing him for what he truly was.

Something that was meant to kill.  

He fought the urge to shatter the glass, not wanting to destroy something that belonged to you, instead leaning over and turning it away.

As he laid back in the water and began scrubbing the grime from his body with the rag you had provided for him, a barrage of thoughts overtook his tired mind, all of them relating to you. 

He couldn’t bear to look at himself, yet you rarely took your eyes off of him.

He was disgusted by his own existence and the form he was forced to live in, yet you treated him like he was normal. Like he was a person. 

He quickly finished bathing, the water starting to cool, but he was in no rush to leave, allowing himself this moment of peace and to think. 

He rested his clawed hand against his chest and could still feel where your small palm had been placed there, could still feel the way your flesh gave under his tight hold when had embraced you. The warmth that radiated from your very being.

His hand lowered mindlessly as he lingered on the image of you stripping bare to him on that boat, offering him your impish little smirk and batted lashes over twinkling eyes. 

It lowered further as he thought of your lips, wondered how they’d feel against his skin—how soft they would be.

He hissed as his hand gently wrapped around the base of his cock, almost shocked to feel it was already achingly hard.

Leon couldn’t remember the last time he had touched himself like this.

In the beginning, he worried he would hurt himself, what with the small daggers that were his new fingers. Eventually, he dared to wander—carefully, of course—and soon it was one of the few things human left of him, to have this libido to relieve. But as the years passed and his body changed, he hardly had the urge.

And now here he was, fisting his cock at the thought of you. 

He held back a groan as he slid his thumb across his slit, imagining it was your tongue instead.

He could picture your pretty eyes looking up at him as you took him into your mouth, how you’d tease him with kitten licks and the gentle scrape of your teeth until he was begging you for more, how you’d pull away just to level him with that mischievous smirk you wore so well before you’d cave and take him to the hilt.

Leon gasped as he picked up the speed of his pumping fist, lifting his hips above the cooled water, trying to avoid sloshing it onto the floor with the motion. 

He then thought of your cunt, how sweet it would taste as he laved it with his tongue—mused about what precious little sounds he could pull from those plush, kissable lips of yours. He could almost feel how your fingers would card through his hair, yank it to get him closer to where you wanted him; how he’d tease you the way you did him before finally conceding, your desperation for him almost more delicious than the very essence of you that he fed upon.

He grit his teeth as he neared the edge, fighting to hold back.

Too soon. It was too soon.

He paused his movements, taking in a slow deep breath to calm his rapidly beating heart, letting the wave of pleasure that nearly crested over him fade to a lapping tide.

His mind slipped back into his fantasy, then, needing to finish what he started before he was driven mad with desire.

He imagined you underneath him now, bodies flush together, the head of his cock sliding against you—not a taunt but a preparation for what was to come.

He wondered how tight you’d be as he pushed inside, how warm and wet and inviting, squeezing his hand as he emulated the scene from his head.

How well would you take him?

Although much of his body had changed over the years—grown—what sat beneath his belt had not. This was not a concern for him, however, having been well-endowed even for a human man of his former stature. In fact, he almost seemed more… proportionate… now.

Would he be too much?

Or would you plead for him to go harder and faster? Deeper?

Leon couldn’t stop the near growl that escaped him as he imagined the way you’d cry out into the crook of his neck, his name like a breathless prayer against his skin. He could feel you wrap your legs around him, scraping your nails across his spine hard enough to draw blood. 

He was on the precipice once more, but this time he didn’t hold back.

He thought of you looking into his eyes as you came undone beneath him, wide and full of unshed tears, overwhelmed by the euphoria coursing through you. His body shuttered at the idea of your walls tightening impossibly around him, pulsing and wet.

He managed to bite back the whine that clawed up his throat as his cock twitched, his seed spurting across his chest and stomach.

He collapsed back into the tub, his mind so gloriously blank and full of fuzzy warmth as he caught his breath.

And then the realization hit him.

He had just masturbated. To you. While you were just on the other side of the wall, without even a door to fully separate the room. 

He was flooded with remorse, then, wondering if he had managed to keep quiet enough so that you wouldn’t hear or suspect his reckless sin against you.

He stilled, listening intently to any sounds in the house, his inhuman ears able to pick out the overlapping breaths of you and Wolfie over the whistling wind outside, right there in the dining room. 

He swallowed the lump of shame that formed in his throat and roughly wiped the spend from his flesh, the harsh scrape of coarse fabric a small punishment for his transgression.

As he dried himself and changed into sleepwear, he wondered how disgusted you’d be with him if you knew just what he was thinking.

Surely, you’d never look at him the same.

He wanted to blame his exhaustion from a sleepless night, but he knew deep down this was bound to happen eventually. Your very existence was a temptation to him, after all. 

He took a steadying breath before he finally turned the corner to face you, pleasantly surprised and more than a little relieved that you were fast asleep, curled up on his couch with a blanket draped across your legs.

He smiled softly as he approached you, all worry forgotten as a swell of affection replaced it.

You looked so sweet laying there, head resting upon the pillow you must have brought from upstairs and your pressed hands, your breaths puffing out a strand of hair hanging over your mouth. Leon quietly chuckled as he tucked it behind your ear and pulled the blanket up and around your shoulders to keep you warm before standing upright once more.

He knew as he gazed upon you that regardless of whether you returned his feelings or not, his own might never leave him. He would have to make his peace with that.

He sighed, closing his eyes tightly before opening them once more, deciding that was a problem for later.

He then sat beside Wolfie, checking on him briefly before laying down right there on the floor, exhaustion overtaking any real need for comfort. Not like he hadn’t done it the first night of your arrival, anyway.

As he drifted into a deep slumber…

He couldn’t help but dream of you.

+++

The night had been a long one.

You had sat in the emergency room of the vet clinic with Wolfie for hours, watching as they tried to keep him alive.

You would never get the image of his terrified eyes out of your head, looking to you for help or for comfort as people he didn’t know surrounded him while he couldn’t even move.

You didn’t let your tears escape until they told you he was stable, locking yourself in their bathroom across the hall and sobbing into your hands, the events of the night finally catching up to you.

He would live.

You weren’t sure you could forgive yourself if he didn’t. You wondered if Leon would have.

Oh, Leon, you thought worriedly, I hope you’re okay.

You wished you could get ahold of him somehow to let him know Wolfie was alive, aware of the fact that even if he owned a cell phone, the village had no service anyway. You were half tempted to drive out to see him and tell him the news, but you didn’t want to leave Wolfie alone for that long.

You then recalled the bear and Leon’s promise to kill it, hoping desperately it didn’t hurt him. You didn’t know what you’d do if you drove back just to find him bleeding out in the mud like he had found Wolfie, the thought piercing your heart like a bullet.

To calm yourself, you replayed the day in your head, focusing only on all the good parts.

You thought of how he opened up to you at his friends’ graves, how he held your hand as you sat in the dirt together. 

You thought of how he slipped his palms across your waist on the boat, how he spoke so lowly in your ear, how your faces got so close in the water. 

You thought of how he stroked your hair while you sat by the fireplace, the affection so freely given it was as if he couldn’t stop himself from touching you.

You thought about how concerned he was for you when you returned to the house after finding Wolfie, how he was upset you had gotten hurt and lost in the woods and blamed himself. 

And then you thought of what he said before you left for town:

“I might lose Wolfie, but I can’t lose you too.”

Those words were looping in your brain over and over.

You knew he was just concerned with your safety, that he’d probably feel guilty if something happened to you while you were trying to save his dog, but the way he said it… The way he looked at you…

“I can’t lose you.”

It was like he meant it.

Despite your anxiety, you managed to nap a bit on the bench outside of the observation room, asking the veterinarian to wake you when Wolfie came to.

In the morning, while he was still out cold, you took a brief stroll outside of the clinic, making your way into the neighboring pet shop to bide the time. 

As you passed the shelves of toys and supplies, your eyes caught on a large blue collar, realizing that it was about Wolfie’s size. You held it aloft as you considered buying it, thinking it was almost silly to put a collar on a half-feral dog.

But then you thought of the other outsiders that might appear in the village every so often. You worried they might dog-nap Wolfie for his friendliness or kill him for his intimidating appearance, deciding it may be worth the purchase, just in case.

Besides, Leon seemed drawn to the color blue, if the majority of his shirts and his preference regarding the castle’s art was anything to go by. It was oddly endearing imagining the scorpion man and his wolf-dog matching in such a way.

After buying it and getting an engraved name tag, you returned to the clinic, petting Wolfie and offering him soft words of encouragement as the vet gave him some much-needed shots.

The rain finally subsided as you made your way back to the village, your nerves still alight despite Wolfie’s improved condition. 

When you finally pulled up to the dirt road near the lodge, you were overjoyed to see Leon appear beside the car.

Your heart was in your throat, however, when got a good look at him, his face and still-shirtless torso covered in dirt and so much blood.

You couldn’t stop the instinctual need to touch him, reaching out and placing your hand against his stained chest. “Are you okay?”

He gently laid his clawed fingers across your knuckles, pressing your palm into his skin, as if your very being was a solace to him. “I’m fine. It isn’t mine.” 

Your relief at that was palpable, beyond overjoyed that he was perfectly safe. Though, the blood had to come from somewhere, and it wasn’t all Wolfie’s. “You found the bear, I take it?”

Leon’s eyes seemed to darken, but he nodded, replying, “It won’t bother us anymore.”

The answer was jarringly cryptic, and Leon seemed more upset to admit he killed the bear than you would have thought, considering how eager he was to do it before you left.

You shook away your thoughts as he asked you questions, the conversation turning to Wolfie’s health.

You then recalled your purchase at the pet store, pulling it out of your bag and waving it in front of Leon. “Picked this up before I took him from the clinic. Hope he’ll wear it.”

You stood from the car, ready to get back to the house and take a nice, long nap, when Leon wrapped his arms around you, to your utter shock. 

He held you close to him, the strength of it enough to feel your bodies meld together, but not enough to hurt you.

It took you a moment to register it all, short-circuiting at the feeling of him against you, but you eventually hugged him in return, shivering as he tucked his face into the crook of your neck and let his breath fan across your skin.

“Thank you. For everything.” His voice was tight in his throat and it made your heart ache to hear it. 

It was the least you could do, a part of you deep down blaming yourself for what happened to Wolfie, because you had kept Leon out longer than he wanted. What if Wolfie had only been in the woods waiting for the two of you to come back? Maybe if you had agreed to return to the house before the storm hit, none of this would have happened to begin with. 

Instead of saying that, you only replied, “I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.”

It was still the truth, as you would do anything to protect this half-man and his dog—willing to suffer more than just a nasty cut and a sleepless night if it meant they were safe.

Leon pulled away, to your despair, and grabbed Wolfie, the three of you heading back to the house.

As you set up Wolfie near the fireplace, you couldn’t help but notice the way Leon wouldn’t take his eyes off the sleeping dog, and although you understood it, he needed to wash the blood and grime from his body and get some much-needed rest.

If your night had been rough, you couldn’t imagine what his had been like.

He argued against you making him up a hot bath, but you wouldn’t hear it, telling him your decision was final. 

“You’re stubborn as hell, you know that?” he said in faux annoyance.  

You replied, smiling, “Oh, I know, but it’s what you like about me.”

“Not the only thing.” The words and the way he said them made a tingle run up your spine, but you were quick to shoo him off, taking a deep breath as you went about your task of filling the tub.

You changed quickly into your pajamas before sending Leon to his bath, flopping onto the couch with a quiet groan after fetching your pillow and a blanket from upstairs.

You thought that maybe you could sleep forever as you shifted, getting comfortable on the old piece of furniture. You wanted to wait for Leon, though, staring up at the ceiling in quiet cogitation.

Despite your fear that you were the reason Wolfie was out in the storm in the first place, you couldn’t understate your role in saving his life. Had you not been there, Leon wouldn’t have been able to do anything, and you could sense the distress that caused him at the realization.

You worried deeply about what might happen after you leave.

A stray tear escaped your eye and you battled the awful thought of one or both of them dying out here in this village, all alone, with no one to call for. 

Wolfie was old and this place was dangerous. And even if Leon ended up being fine physically, you knew his loneliness would eat him alive, especially with the inevitable loss of his dog an ever-looming threat.

You squeezed your eyes shut, wiping them to stop you from crying.

You thought about Leon’s smile instead. Thought of his voice and his laugh and the way he looked at you. Like you were normal. Like you were important.

You could still feel the way his arms wrapped around you, how safe you felt. How cherished.

You sighed deeply, turning over to stare at Wolfie, watching the slow rise and fall of his side as he breathed. You reached out your hand to him, gently stroking his head, his fur soft and warm.

You wondered as your eyes drooped shut and your mind began to fade to unconsciousness, your fingers slowly falling away from Wolfie’s form:

How could you leave them now?

--------------------

Masterlist | Previous | Next

[omishu]

tell me about your tumblr crushes! Tell me a favorite memory. Tell me a confession 👀 (you can do that privately on discord if u want) tell me your opinion on vegetables. And tell me how you’re still a dog person after owning a super adorable kitty boy 😤

So many questions, my inquisitive friend!

I do have one, and they are usually my 'biggest fan' haha it seems like we always reblog everything from each like an endless loop, but unfortunately they live across the planet, so I'll probably never get to meet them irl

Hm favorite memory? Uuhhh I really enjoyed horseback riding in the rain on a Hawaiian beach with a rainbow behind me. Or the time when I cantered bareback and spread my arms out like wings; when I closed my eyes, it felt like I was flying in slow motion. Yes, both my favorite memories involved horses haha

A confession ... I've been skipping church a lot lately because I'm constantly exhausted from working 3 jobs without making any progress towards paying off my parents to escape them and frequently fantasize about faking my death, fleeing the country, and never speaking to them again, which makes me feel like a terrible person because I'm supposed to care for them but I don't

FUCKING LOVE PLANT FOODS H O W E V E R VEGETABLES ARE A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT they're literally not a thing like it's so amorphous and has no real meaning to me. Edible plant parts categorized at vegetables include fruits, roots, leaves, flowers, etc. Hell, even mushrooms are considered vegetables, and they're not even gd plants!

I work with dogs and they(the ones with which I work)'re all wonderful (yes, even the trouble ones at the shelter). While I love my darling, beloved, precious Sir Lewis vonFluffybum, whom I treasure and adore, he's got nothing on the actual literal (not really, not even close, not even a little bit) fruit of my womb, my childhood west highland terrier, Holly Jolly Christmas. My family also fostered guide puppies, so I have always been around lots of dogs; there's even a documentary about us in that field (there are a few different documentaries about my family. Idk why, we're not even that interesting imo). We had cats when I was growing up too. But there was drama when we got rid of my cuddly favorite but kept the asshole hissy jerk who peed everywhere and scratched/bit. Ofc not all cats are like that, but ... not all dogs are like their worst representatives. In either case, there are a variety of factors that contribute to acting out. They both provide benefits and do things the other can't do. Dogs have so many applications with all the various working breeds. Cats are mostly good for hunting independently if you have a pest problem and obviously snuggling if they're into that

[inkbeanjo]

2, 3,4,5,6,7 for Moni and Retro on the character ask please. i love hearing about your characters

houuhghghjK i will do my best to answer retro's half, though i'll open with some behind the scenes that might shed some clarity on neo-a's weird existence in the real world.

Neo Automisia came about after I'd been playing Moni in a shadowrun living community for like 3 years, and after a point where i decided I wanted to break from that system's lore/canon out of desire to write my own shit and also out of disagreement with a lot of SR's writing- irl i've never really grown up in places or had the same friend groups for more than 3 years at a time, and my experience in making friends has been a series of meetings and farewells since I was little.

Ironically enough this's how a lot of my time playing Moni wound up being- games in the living community were sign-ups as opposed to set player groups and set tables you'd normally expect from a tabletop setting- think billboard with job postings kinda vibes, with things happening during/after/between jobs. As such, at least when it comes to fellow runners/key npcs, I'm doing my best to translate friends characters I've not gotten to really play with/hear from in years- or at least haven't had space TO do things with, life happens/things get busy etc etc you get it. Retro is OracleofMaya's wonderful gremlin, and a lot of my ability to write consistent/in-character dialogue for her comes from the fact that we talked/wrote a LOT over the years and i have an active crush on her/like writing stuff with her u///u

Long lead in over here we go:

It really depends on circumstances for the both of them- they're incredibly awkward and dealing with a lot of baggage individually/mutually, but with the right company they tend to light up. In Moni's case if worst comes to worst, she's anxious enough that even in bad company/bad circumstances she'll still titter out a giggle before realizing this isn't the time nor place.

[DATA EXPUNGED]

From my time playing alongside Retro, it never felt exactly an easy thing to earn her trust; partly due to the fact of her being a technomancer in a world that readily exploits and/or abuses them to the nth degree, and partly due to the fact that a lot of the people she and Moni worked with were either opportunistic or WAY too prone to oversharing critical information. Add [DATA EXPUNGED] to the mix and its really hard to blame her for shutting others down or out but again right company/right circumstances made all the difference in exceptions or changing that.

On Moni's end, her depression and various horribly negative experiences with people she loved or trusted have oriented her, for the most part, not to trust other people- or at least, that's the direction she tries to orient herself toward in some attempt to protect herself, and others from her. That obviously hasn't and doesn't work up to the current point in chapter 3, as Moni is basically an easily excitable puppy in a metahuman's shape.

In Retro's case, extremely- I have zero doubts that had Moni ever not kept self-vigilance up and spilled the beans regarding Retro being a technomancer, Retro WOULD have made good on that promise to fry her brain.

Distrust is fluid for Moni/liable to shift and change with circumstances and her mood- in this case I'm going to opt to make a slight shift and say that, with specific and wrong buttons pushed, it is very, very, very easy to earn a lethal grudge from Moni as opposed to solely distrust.

Both Moni and Retro are not only Nightrunning criminals for hire, but also staunch Anarchists living in the hellscape that is late stage capitalism and continued global warming/corporations having just about zero regulatory oversight or consequence placed on them. Laws on paper are not synonymous with justice or systemic equity, and both growing up in the fringes of the Seattle metroplex 100% plays into how they see the reality of how those laws actually play out in favor of the rich, powerful, and influential.

In the time I played with Oracle, Retro's nostalgia often times followed similar patterns to Moni if that tracks; both of them are rooted through warped sentimentalities and fractured memories for pasts they either can't fully remember, or remember in better contexts and through rose-tinted glasses than honestly- at least for a time. I don't wanna spoil too much in this regard, nor for the more positive ways they hold nostalgia for genuinely nice times/moments, so that's all I'm gonna say.

For Moni: 22. Jealousy is weird for Moni, because it's only really ever happened when Retro had started seeing/dating(?) a magical psychologist character of mine who has a hate boner against moni and vice versa. Moni herself is polyam, pan, and for the most part easygoing when it comes to interpersonal relationships; she doesn't really have explicit desire for material stuff barring cybernetics to cram into her meat suit, or good food tucked in the pockets and hole-in-the-wall joints of wherever she's living. Even in the case of the aforementioned psychologist, the jealousy stemmed more out of her overt fear of a mage who could root through, tweak, or otherwise puppet your brain like a marionette. 23. Envy is also weird- as mentioned the material things she does want are things she has zero problem waiting or saving for, and when it comes to relationships/the relationships of her partners and metamours she's open/patient. But a core piece of Moni I'm in the process of explicitly laying out/continuing to lay out is her absolute impulsiveness- the things that she DOES envy are immaterial and more abstract, in ways that to most would just sound like complete nonissues. It's something yet to be brought up, but Moni genuinely envies her peers and coworkers who have or are working toward a definite retirement plan, or have the intention TO retire because they have something in mind. For Moni at this point, she did not for one second in her career think about what retiring might look like or that she could/should- it was utterly foreign to be asked "what're you going to do after you're done running?", and to look inward only to find an answer along the lines of "what?". She envies people that have desires beyond what's immediately in front of them- not because they have it better, but because for all of her attempts to she can't figure out what she wants- no matter how hard she tries there's something missing that, to her at least, makes her feel like she was never supposed to be metahuman. This's one example but you get the gist, it's wanting to feel like you know where you're going and where you want to go/otherwise self actualize and feeling like you're drowning.

[eshbaal]

T/W - Loss, Grief, Death There's no easy way to share the news I got yesterday, so that's why I state it plainly in the title and will state it just as plainly now.

My dear friend Markus Ekedahl, known here on tumblr as @lordsmaf, is dead.

He had stopped responding to me altogether on Discord about a week ago, which I naturally thought was odd since he and I have spoken practically at least once a day for the better part of a decade.

I tried to tell myself to not be silly and assume the worst. But still I wrote him every day and recieved no responses even when I said I was worried. So, yesterday, on my way home from another obligation, I started online sleuthing to find contact info on his family, and got ahold of his sister, who he has mentioned to me many times before.

She'd been wanting to get ahold of me, but was unsure how and well, she unfortunately confirmed my darkest fears.

From what she knows, it was sudden. Possibly a result of some underlying health issue. Nobody knows exactly what went on just yet.

I'm gutted, naturally. Markus and I knew eachother well. We were even on birthday and christmas gift basis even though we have only ever actually met a handful of times in real life.

He would have turned 35 on August 1st. I was pondering what I should get him "once he got back". I had practically started rehearsing how to tell him that I didn't care how long he was gone as long as he came back fine and well, in case he was sick or something.

I spent a good half hour looking at his icon hoping for a little red notification to pop up.

Frankly, I'd much rather be furious at him for some kind of sick joke than not have him here with me at all.

---

My thoughts keep going to content and media.

Brav and I shot the shit about media we both liked all the time, and he was as much of a #1 Fan and supporter of my content as he was a friend, always willing to take a look at my videos to try and spot errors before I uploaded them, and showing up for basically every stream I ever did, clipping anything remotely amusing from it. I always knew I was doing a good job if he was clipping up a storm on Twitch.

It was hard enough not seeing his name in chat a few days ago when I was unsure what had happened. It's going to be even harder now, even if I know he'd want me to keep having fun, even with the games I largely played because I knew he'd be amused to see how I reacted to them.

My last interaction with him was me telling him I was finally watching Caddyshack and finding it hilarious, and him responding "Oh yeah."

It probably seems silly that these are the things I worry about since in some way, they probably shouldn't matter. But at the same time, I really regret never getting around to watching some of his favorite stuff now - like JoJo, Gundam or Transformers.

I still plan to keep going on all of this when I can. Even finish the stuff I mostly did because I knew he'd enjoy it. I just need to be able to say it's for his sake without cracking first.

---

For those wondering, I did all the "right" steps almost immediately. I've visited my parents. I've told a few other friends. I've ugly sobbed, I've been angry at the injustice of losing friends at the way-too-early age of barely-34.

I've also had IRL friends who have dealt with their own losses this past year the phone, and one is coming to check on me tomorrow. I have several friends coming over for my own birthday next weekend, and I don't plan to cancel that.

Hell, I've even been able to laugh at other little silly things just a few hours after the bad news. Not that the sadness doesn't settle right back in shortly after.

But today is hard. Really hard. I keep swinging between pure lethargy and crying at random.

I just hope Markus knew that I loved him very much, somewhere between the avalanche of silly clips of terrible game and anime voice acting, the ridiculous tweets we'd both laugh at, or the cool little moments in comics we liked to share.

[serpentcoded]

How I've come to follow Hekate, part 2

Fast forward to late August of this year. My house is a fucking mess. I have trouble cleaning, due to trauma inflicted on me by a parent who was obsessive about cleaning but that's not what this is about. The point is, I rarely clean, and my house sucks. I get the sudden impulse to just. Clean. Anything. So I've started in the kitchen, deep cleaning and disinfecting things, taking care of dishes we've (M and I) let pile up. Then I move on to the living room and tackle the bookshelf, which is full of books I don't actually want, and there's no room for the books I would like to actually display.

I start pulling them off the shelves to donate. There's also some other shit on there, figurines and dead roses and random bits of whatever. And while I'm cleaning the non-book items off of the shelves, I find a Catholic medal. I'm not sure what they're called, I'm not Catholic, which is why this is so weird.

I don't know where it came from. I ask M, who is technically Catholic but has never been practicing. But they've never seen it before either. I show it to my mother later, and she thinks it might have been my great great grandmother's, but I don't remember anyone ever giving it to me, so it's still kind of a mystery. Fastforward a little more. Now it's the night of the full moon. Everything is normal, I've cleaned a bit more, I've made dinner, and I've just been on voice chat with my long distance fiance (I was polyamorous just a short time ago, but not anymore. You'll see soon). M says they want to talk to me so I'm like okay, great, what's up? This is when they drop the nuke on my world and tell me they don't love me anymore. Now, we had recently discussed this. And we agreed the love we have isn't conventional love, and I had been under the impression that after that conversation, we were in a QPR. But apparently not. WIthout getting into details, they basically told me there was no love there anymore, romantic or otherwise. They still wanted to be friends, but it wasn't the kind of platonic love I though we both felt. So that was one of the worst nights of my life. We had been together a little over ten years, and had been living together for ten years. I've not worked since 2012, most of my IRL friends have moved or had kids and don't talk to me anymore. I don't have a license because I never learned to drive, and then figured I would never be able to afford a car anyway. For the last decade, M has supported me entirely. And now, without warning, I have to figure out how I'm going to survive. For now, I'm living here and we're living as roommates. But I'm aware that there is a blade hanging over my head, and that they could ask me to leave at any moment. So I'm looking for remote work (we live in a rural area and there's nothing for me here), brushing up on the graphic design skills I learned in school over a decade ago and haven't really put to much use since then, all while trying to deal with the pain of mourning the death of a longterm relationship while still having to see and interact with them every day. Also, we have two cats. So I'm worried about what will happen to them when I leave -- will we split them up? Will one of us get both of them? It's very stressful. A couple days ago (I can't remember the exact date, it's all been a blur lately), I pull out my Daemon Tarot oracle. I haven't used it in forever, but I ask for guidance. One of the cards I pull mentions a powerful woman. There are no powerful women in my life. My mother is the only woman in my life, and she is far from powerful. That's when it clicks. I wonder if the woman is actually a goddess. I wonder if it's Hekate. (This reading was done impulsively and unfortunately I don't have a photo of it) Later, maybe the next day, just before bed, I pull out my Wild Unknown deck, my favorite tarot deck and the one that's always been the easiest for me to read intuitively. And I ask Hekate directly if she is the cause of - or at the very least influenced - my current situation. The reading was extremely insightful and was an undeniable "Yes".

And it comforts me. It looks like a frightening reading upon first glance, but it really isn't. It's reassuring. And that was the first night since the breakup that I went to bed without crying, and the next morning was the first morning that I didn't need to cry and lie in bed for an hour before getting up and being a person. Things have been getting easier since then. I've been focused on reading some graphic design books to catch up on current trends and refresh myself on basic design principles. I've been saving jobs to apply for once I build a new portfolio I'm confident in. I don't feel like I want to die every time I interact with M, though the resentment is still there. It's still awkward, but doesn't feel like a knife in my chest. I still get the waves of sadness, mostly at night, because I'm not going to get over everything that fast, not after ten years with them, but I'm starting to feel now like I can get through it. And I have two people to thank for that: my wonderful, beautiful, loving and supportive fiance @principaliteas who has been there to talk me down and ground me in reality and reassure me that I can do this, that I'll be okay, and that in the end we'll be together (he lives in a different country and we've been trying to make my immigrating possible for a few years now), and Hekate. Now that it's over, I don't think I would want to go back. Part of that reading said that this has been a long time coming, and I've just been delaying the inevitable, perhaps even for years. I needed Hekate to give me the push I needed to stop settling for a life I wasn't happy with and start taking real, actionable steps toward the life I want, with the person I really want to be with more than anything. I believe the cleaning impulse was her, too. She was pushing me to prepare for a big change, and the cleaning helped elevate my mood. Maybe I needed that to keep the crash of the breakup from sending me to absolute rock bottom. And I think the Mary medal was her, too. I think it is her, even if it isn't. I'm wearing it now, alongside the small snake charm I always wear, which is fitting, I think. And maybe this is what it took for me to finally hear her, and feel her, and understand what that medium told me almost 6 years ago. After all of that, how could I not follow her?

[hyuckmov]

it was really early in the morning when we went to han river and ate ramen there (CAN FINALLY CROSS IT OUT MY LIST IM HAPPY CRYING AGAIN) so there weren't that many people yet except for those alr walking their pets (SO CUTE BOTH THE PETS AND OWNERS R TOO NICE :(( ) and then bicycling. our initial plan was to have a lil picnic at night but decided to just do it in the morning so it wouldn't be too cold (SIKE) and about the couples -- OMG YES THEY ARE EVERY. WHERE. ANY TIME OF DAYYYY. it's really different to see it yourself. esp at parks!! we couldn't stop giggling because we don't know if we should proceed taking pics w the flowers and all or just look for another area because they're all there doing couple stuff (cute pics and all) it's so fun n hilarious.

that's alright though, at least you could save up more and maybe do other things first so you'd be ready-ready once you're all decided to go :> going with friends really IS FUN :(( coming from a really introverted person (ME)

i so agree with you 🥹 bigger, better, more fun, more more more worth the wait. it's kinda funny to think it now but that time it was just too depressing for me that almost everyone around me are there EXCEPT ME. like, genuinely happy for them but u just can't help but be sad too yk? SO I HEARD ..... and based on the clips i saw the boys were having soooo so so sooo much fun not to mention the crowd's truly amazing.. AND I THANK THEM THE BOYS HAD SO MUCH FUN. about the byl, if you're free that time then i think you should get it. HAVE FUUUUUN think of it as a little preview for u until you finally get to experience it live ;-;

PLEASE ENJOY THAT BREAK WHILE YOU CAN I'M TELLING YOU. i went straight to working right after i graduated and yes it's a good thing i alr secured a job as they said but i felt so down and burnt out for months since i never got to take a rest even for just a week or so... it was like my time was running out fast or something.. SO PLEASE. rest, have fun, do whatever makes you calm and happy.. just. enjoy <333

(PS i notice my responses get longer and longer each time i hope it's not a bother to you or to anyone that comes across this. and pls.. don't thank me im having so much fun chatting with uuu)

HIII firstly. not bothered by ur long responses at all i love reading these it’s like receiving a letter 🫶🏻 pls keep on sending these when u have the time hehe

omg eating ramen at han river…cycling and people-watching that literally sounds like the dream i’m stealing that idea for my own future trip <3 RIIIGHT the couples also i hear all the girls r super pretty w the middest boyfriends ever 🤭 im also an introvert (and actually irl really guarded lol) and i always wonder about what it would really be like to travel w friends or even live with them…wonder what it will do to my social battery and also just seeing me at my worst (11pm-2am) but ngl i won’t know until i try :) my friends and i might all be going overseas to and the same country for uni so it’ll really be like starting a new life and i’m excited to do it w them no matter what happens

sometimes it’s a comparative thing…. it feels like everyone else is there and it’s so sad that you’re not. i’m still debating between actually paying for the byl and also just watching it being streamed off someone else… one thing is that finding links for streams r so stressful esp when they get cut off…. but another is am i rlly gna spend $50 on this….but i hear it’s going to be really special with some new songs <3

the burn out is so real….. i was so annoying for the first few weeks of working because i just couldn’t believe like is this what real life is…? is there really nothing more to life? i was so struck LMFAO i was beginning to realize the power of having a bubble subscription because getting a notification from haechan as i’m rotting at my work cubicle is like a LIFESAVER. this is my last week of work and i’m so excited bc my friend will also be finishing work so we’re sooo gna celebrate by doing jobless things and maximizing our unemployment (weekday lunch deals and cheap museum tickets) 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

I HOPE YOUUU feel rested after ur trip and that life’s been going okay…. HOW ARE YOU!!! what have you been doing :)

[agustdiv1ne]

thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3.8k

Warnings: swearing, angst, mentions of death,

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 17 Part 19

Part 18

It was a crazy week, and by Wednesday, I had had enough and wanted it to be all over. It was the last day of school for the term. The kids were rowdy, and it was hard for them to concentrate. I gave up structured lessons after the morning session, and we did Easter craft. Still, even craft was hard for my kids. Most of them can't use scissors without assistance or had to use modified ones set into a wooden block. It wasn't a bludge, but it was much less stressful for both the kids and myself.

I had playground duty at lunchtime. Some of the older mainstream kids had heard about Liam, and a few would walk past me and sing the theme song to his superhero movies. Others would have a conversation with me and sneak in a movie quote. Lucky for me, most of Liam's films weren't appropriate for children, so there were only a few they could use. The kids would run away giggling, and I would shake my head. I wasn't upset by it, kids are kids, and at least they made their fun to my face.

The parents were awful. The mums would go quiet when I was near them, and I would hear laughter or whispering as I walked away. The dads looked at me just that little bit longer, making me feel uncomfortable. I just tried to remember Liam's arms around me, the way he made me feel safe in his arms. I found myself touching my earrings a lot. They soothed me.

The worst part was the other staff. Not all of them, just a couple of the younger ones and newer ones. Their eyes seemed to bore into me in the staff room and in meetings. The ones who had been here when Andy died were good. They appeared to be on the same page as Marla had been. The rest of the support class teachers and TA's were kind. They actually asked me to my face about it, seemed happy for me, and then that was it they moved on.

My boss, Michael, did call me into his office on Monday afternoon. He was good about it mostly, just concerned because apparently, the office staff had received a few phone calls from a couple of media outlets trying to get in contact with me. The staff were good enough to hang up on them. I was honest with Michael and said I didn't know what my plans were, just that we were dating. I did tell him about how it would be official on Thursday, but it worked out well because the office would be empty for two weeks, and by then, I'll be old news.

When I spoke to Liam on the phone, I had told him about how I was feeling. I was honest about it as much as I could be.

Liam was empathetic and seemed sincere when he said I didn't have to go. "If it's too much, we can wait for another time. The dress you have will be as good in a few months as it is now. Or we can return it all and try again later." Cheekily he said, "I'll let you keep the earrings."

I declined. I wanted to get it over with. I figured the quicker it was done, the quicker no one would care, and I can go back into hiding. It was like ripping off a band-aid. Just do it.

When I had gotten home from work on Tuesday, I had decided to do the hardest thing of all. I called Andy's mother.

Anthea was born in Greece and immigrated to Australia with her family in her early teens. She had met Andy's dad, Tim, a white Australian with Irish heritage, and they had a beautiful marriage. They had five children, three boys and two girls. Andy was the youngest son and was the unofficial favourite. She had always been lovely to me. She always called me Little Lana and would always hug me and insist I ate. On my birthday, she would make me galaktoboureko. She still calls me for my birthday and invites me over for Orthodox Easter and Christmas. I don't go, but I always make sure to call and send presents for my two godchildren.

"My Little Lana," Anthea gushed. "It is so good to hear from you. How are you going? Tim, Lana is on the phone! He will be so happy you called. Yes, Timothy, it's Lana. Yes, Tim says g'day. How are you? We miss you. How is work? How are your precious children? You do such good work, Little Lana."

Did I mention she talks a lot? She was one of those people who seemed to speak without having to take a breath.

"Hi Anthea, I'm doing well. Work is great, really good. I have a great bunch this year."

"Yes, you sound happy, Little Lana. Your new boyfriend must have something to do with it? He is very handsome. Not as handsome as Kamari mou but handsome. I showed all my friends, and they tell me you are still so beautiful and your hair is still so pretty and long. So long now. You've grown it."

I was stunned. I tried to talk, but the lump in my throat was so big, I couldn't swallow. I tried to say something, but all that came out was a huge sob, and I broke down.

"I'm sorry, Anthea, I am so sorry."

"Why are you crying? Stop it. Alana, why would I be upset? Why are you crying? Don't cry, silly girl. You should be happy. I do not expect you to be wearing black, like an old lady from my old country, for the rest of your life. I know you loved my son. but you're too young to grieve forever."

"I wanted to call you and tell you, but it happened so fast." I was still crying, but it wasn't so bad now. Anthea had comforted me in a way that I hadn't even known I needed. That she still loved me when I had started dating another man was incredible to me.

"You shhh, Little Lana. Listen to me. You have obviously called me for permission whether you know that's what you were doing or not. You have it, my blessing. Kamari mou wanted you to be happy also. He would not want you to be alone forever. You know this. Go speak to him, speak to Andy, and you will know."

"Thank you, Anthea."

"There now, Little Lana, you will be ok. Now no more speaking of sadness. I must tell you all the wonderful news. You will be an Aunty again soon."

Anthea talked to me for a little over an hour. Talking to Anthea was being talked at, but I needed it. I promised to call her again soon. She, of course, invited me to Easter but didn't expect a reply.

I felt lighter after talking to her. She was right. I had needed to know from her that she was ok with it. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been. I don't think I would have ended it with Liam. I think I was in too deep, but it would have been much harder to go on.

Anthea was right about something else too. I needed to talk to Andy.

So after school on Wednesday, I drove to the cemetery. I went and saw my Dad first. I didn't have much to say to him. I just sat there and let the memories come to me.

I remembered when I was six, and he shaved his moustache off, and I hadn't recognised him. I had run screaming to my Mum that there was a stranger in the house. I remembered how he would take us to see the fireworks on New Year's Eve, getting there early to get good spots and watch in awe as the fireworks exploded over Sydney Harbour. Nothing was as breathtaking as my home city on New Year's Eve. I thought about how he loved David Bowie, and he had even convinced my mother to name my brother after him. Dave and I had taken Dad to see David Bowie a few years before he passed away, and it was one of the most incredible nights of my life. The Labyrinth is still my favourite kid's movie, and Jareth was my first crush. He looked so good in those tights.

I went to see Andy. I don't see him very often. I go on Boxing Day, his birthday and our anniversary. As had become my ritual on those visits, I had his old phone and listened to his playlist. I laid down on the grass next to him and looked up at the sky. After a while, I started talking.

"Hey Butthead," I started, smiling as I said our private nickname. "I've got some things to tell you. First of all, I miss you. But surely you know that. And I know you know I will always love you. You were such a beacon in my life. A light for me when everything else was dark. I was like a moth to your flame. You drew me in, making me want to be close to you. You always made me feel like everything would be ok if I just stayed in your light. Things were so dark when you were taken from me. For so long, I felt nothing. Everything was dark.

"But then I started feeling better. I still missed you every day, but I wanted to find that again. Feel that love and safety again. I started dating about six months ago. Online mostly, you know, how the kids do it these days. I went on a few dates but felt nothing. Or if I did feel something, I felt like they weren't as good as you. Why would I settle for anyone who wasn't as good as you?

"I don't mean the same as you. I mean someone who moves me the way you did. Someone who showed me kindness like you did, someone who made me laugh, made me feel giddy. Someone I was attracted to. But also someone I wanted to do things for, someone who I wanted to go out of my way for, not because they forced me, but because I wanted to because I knew they would do it for me.

"I was about to give up. I only tried dating for a few months, but it felt so futile that I didn't care anymore. Then this guy started messaging me. He was sweet and funny, a Pom, but don't hold that against him. Anyway, I liked him instantly. It scared the shit out of me. I made him wait three months before I agreed to meet him. I was so scared because I knew I could fall for him.

"And when I met him, the sparks were there. It was instant. He was all the things I wanted. He's not like you. You're both very different. I mean, he doesn't like Mad Max for God's sake. But he makes me feel the way you made me feel. And Andy, I am falling for him."

*********************

"Lana, hold still." Jen was pulling my hair. I looked over at Riza, who was covering her mouth with a magazine. Her shaking shoulders gave her away, though, and I could see she was laughing her arse off. "I only have a couple more to do, and then you can go home and sleep."

I was at Riza's place. I had to see Jen after I spoke to Andy. Jen wanted to put my hair in pin curls. She had washed my hair and then got started pinning small sections of my already curly hair into curls.

I thought it was weird, but she said the hair has to be curled in the right direction for the style to work. She also said that the longer the curls were in, the better the result. That's why I was at her place, getting my hair done 24 hours before the event. How do celebrities live like this?

"How the hell am I going to sleep in this?" Riza's dropped all pretence and was laughing openly at me now. "Get bent, Riza."

"Hey! You're the one who looks like a 1950's housewife right now."

"1940's babe," Jen admonished. "Get it right."

When she finished, she wrapped my hair in a silk scarf. "Did you buy me an apron to go with the barefoot in the kitchen look?" I asked.

Jen laughed. She knew me well enough to know it was a joke. "Trust me. You're gonna love it."

"So when do I take the clips out?" I asked Jen.

"Not until I do your hair."

My eyes bulged. "I'm going to Liam's place hours before you're going to get there."

Riza pissed herself laughing, and Jen just said, "trust me."

When I got in bed, I rang Liam. I Facetimed him. Maybe if he laughs at me now, he won't laugh at me when I'm there, which would break my heart. His reaction surprised me.

"Why are you wearing a scarf? Please tell me you didn't dye your hair." He looked devastated.

"And what if I did?" I asked.

"You would still be you. It wouldn't change anything." He sputtered.

"Nice save," I laughed.

"I think being a redhead suits you. It makes you a little different."

I told Liam it was to protect the pin curls so they don't frizz. "You don't have to worry about me dying my hair until I start going white. I've never died my hair. It's my natural colour."

Liam's lip twitched. "I've noticed." He said.

I could have died.

On Thursday morning, I skipped the gym for obvious reasons, showered carefully so as not to wet my hair and started to get ready. I packed my bag and packed a bag for Perrin with his bed, crate, and food. I did a quick run through the shops to the dressmaker to pick the dress up from the dressmaker and to buy underwear for the dress. I didn't need a bra, but I wasn't going without underpants.

In the morning, I pottered, waiting for lunchtime to arrive and for Liam to finish his half-day at work. I was so jittery I had dropped my coffee this morning, and the mug had smashed. Not having anything to do and waiting for hours made it all worse. I had to do something, so I painted my nails and watched Kill Bill Vol. 1.

The story took me over, and soon I was transported with the action and exceptional dialogue. I decided the only person who could convince me to be an actor would be Quentin. I even went and got out my "Written and Directed by Quentin Tarantino" hoodie for added comfort. When it was over, I did feel a little better and whistling the song from the movie, I got Perrin and went to Liam's.

By the time I got to Liam's house, the nerves had come back. I found it hard to concentrate and almost just walked Perrin into the backyard. I sighed and put Perrin on his leash and texted Liam that I was here, and walked to the park with Perrin. We had planned a way to introduce the dogs during the week. The snag was I had agreed to it before I knew about the hair situation. But I found an old bucket hat of Andy's that fit and hid most of my head. I still felt ridiculous, but at least the hat somewhat normal.

When I saw Liam, my heart leapt. I wanted to run to him, have him hold me, soothe away all the pain of the last week and fear of tonight. But we had to introduce the dogs first.

We walked to each other as Perrin and Cole had a little sniff of each other. There was no immediate dislike.

"Hello, Sweetheart." His voice took my breath away.

"Hi," I said.

"Cute hat."

"Arse." I was smiling, though.

"I've missed you," he smiled broadly.

I gave him a small smile.

Liam farrowed his eyebrows. "These two look like they are ok," he said. "Let's go for a walk, shall we?"

I nodded, and Liam leaned in and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before we started to walk. We went side by side, keeping the dogs apart. Liam put his arm around my shoulder.

"You're very quiet this afternoon," he said after a few minutes.

"I'm nervous."

"About the dogs or tonight?" He asked. "Or something else?"

"Tonight." I felt like a petulant child with all these short remarks, but I couldn't give him anymore just yet. I let my head rest on his shoulder to try to let him know he wasn't the reason I was acting distant.

Liam squeezed me. "You'll be ok. You're going to be dressed beautifully and appropriately. No one is going to laugh at you. You'll see. Myra and Boyd are all excited to meet you. This is Myra's boyfriends first red carpet, too, so you won't be the only virgin." He paused and chuckled. "Although, I had better keep you two apart. He's a sparky? I think that's the word. I don't want him stealing you away from me. I know how much you love tradies."

I laughed. Liam had said all the right things in a few moments, and I felt calm again. At least calm enough that I can have a conversation. "Thanks, Liam," I said and kissed his cheek.

We walked for about half an hour. The dogs walked together for a bit. Perrin, being so old, was pretty laid back about the whole thing and Cole, while curious, just seemed happy to be making a new friend.

When we got back to Liam's house, we let them leashes off, and Perrin had a sniff around the yard. Cole either followed behind him or bounced around in front of him as if he were saying, "come look at this place over here."

While Perrin explored, Liam stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes a moment, listening to the sounds of the city.

"You're such a good hugger," I told Liam as I turned around in his arms and put my arms around his neck. I buried my face into his shirt, seeking his warmth and familiar scent.

"A compliment. From you? With no sarcasm?" Liam teased. "It must be my lucky day."

"Just shut up and kiss me," I said, and I lifted my head to meet his. Our kisses were soft at first, but they became more than that very quickly.

Liam pulled away and said, "we aren't alone. Ryan is here." Liam suggested that Ryan stay with the dogs while we were out. He would be back on Sunday and Monday, too, to take Cole for a walk and play.

I sighed. "Riza will be here soon anyway. We better get these guys inside and settled."

We took the dogs inside and got them set up. Then and I met Ryan, who was working in Liam's study. I don't know what I expected from Ryan, but a Scottish Hercules was not it. He was at least as large as Liam, had dark hair and green eyes and although he paled in comparison to Liam, he was handsome and instantly likeable.

We shook hands, and he said, "it's nice to meet you, Lana. I've heard a lot about you, so it's nice to put a face to the name." His accent was noticeable but not thick, and he spoke with a confident calmness that must be essential in his job. He doesn't mention or look at my scarf, which is a relief. I smiled and said, "Same. I keep hearing all these names, so it's nice to meet finally."

Liam gets me to put Ryans number in my phone. He said I should call Ryan if I need to contact him if he's not reachable while filming. I look at Ryan, and he nods as he says, "it's my job."

I do it, but I roll my eyes. He's not my assistant.

We let Ryan get back to work, and we go out to my car to bring my stuff in. By the time I've set up Perrin's things and sorted out my put my bags away, Riza and Jen arrive.

Liam opened the door for them, and Riza stood stunned for a moment. "Damn, you're built like a brick shithouse." Riza was very petite, half a head shorter than me, so you'd think she'd be used to everyone being bigger than her.

Liam, bless his cotton socks, laughed and put his hand out. "You must be Riza."

Riza took his hand, "yeah, mate, how's it going?" Liam stood aside to let her come in. She was hauling a massive makeup case, and Liam offered to take it for her. I thought she would bristle at his offer, but instead, she just gave it to him.

I raised my eyebrows and tilted my head, indicating my surprise. She just shrugged and gave me a strange look, and looked straight back at him. Riza is a pocket rocket type and prefers to be seen as one of the boys a lot of times. Andy even invited her to his bucks weekend despite her being my maid of honour, so the whole interaction was unusual.

Jen came in and introduced herself to Liam, and it was a much more civilised exchange than Riza's.

I gave them both hugs and kisses on the cheek. "Thanks for doing this, Jen and you too, Riza."

"No worries," Riza said.

Liam offered them both some wine and looked at me to see if I wanted one. I agreed, and we all sat in the lounge room.

Riza grabbed my hand when Liam had his back turned, "Sorry Lans, I think I got star struck. I'm a fucking dickhead."

Jen and I laughed at her, and I said, "serves you right for taking the piss out of me last night."

Liam came back with glasses and a bottle of white wine and poured us all a drink before taking a seat next to me. He sat next to me, resting his arm on the lounge behind me and put his ankle on his knee. His foot bounced, and I looked at him, and it struck me that he was anxious.

I put my hand on his foot to soothe him and turned to Riza and said, "did I tell you that Liam planned a trip to Mt Hotham this winter? I think it was June? Queens Birthday weekend? Before your Mum comes. Anyway, Riza, you spent a few winters there. Got any ideas for some good runs?"

That was it, the two of them talked about skiing, and the tension in the air lifted. I even swapped seats with Riza and sat with Jen for a bit. Once I could tell Liam and Riza were comfortable with each other, I asked Liam where Jen could set up.

Liam said to go to the master on the third, and he went to get up to take us there. I told him Jen, and I could be fine, and he smiled at me and kept talking to Riza. Jen and I smiled at each other and went up to get ready.

Part 19

[peachpitmp3]

hey i mean you want to talk about how long it took for me to answer this? because the answer is. too long. for absolutely no reason i'm so sorry

!!!! you should that would be so iconic of you tbh. if you do decide to Embark on an Artistic Journey, please send/post update pictures i love art dude. so much.

FHSKDLFJKSLDJF YOUR LIFE OR THEIRS. amazing joke i remember this !!! from the time i read half of this and promptly got distracted,, i'm sorry. looking at this, it's not even that long?? of a thing to answer??

YEAHHH people always say that audiobooks are great if you have trouble focusing on paper books or are busy and stuff and i Do Not Understand

!!!!! yes. this. that sounds wonderful and heck yeah! ideal house will trap you there forever but dw because it's voluntary and so nice <3

SUDOFIJSDKX AMAZING. bro i wish you were in my closet (in the least weird way possible i just. want to meet you irl) but !!! that's very swag. thievery <3 /hj but nonetheless that sounds like a very cool shirt.

mhmm i get you. i think the sheer amount of People being People would be too much, although it would be super cool to see a live concert performance thing,, yeehaw anywhoodles. !!! YEAH YEAH YEAH you've gotten me hooked on august is a fever lmao. a friend told me about motion sickness a little while ago and !! yes. very much agree.

ooh hm. i'd say operate by vesperteen and trying not to cry by cavetown (but. only the version on youtube. the spotify one's more electo-funky which is cool! but not exactly my vibe and it doesn't hit Nearly As Hard yknow)

!!! the little fuzzy gray willow bulb things. idk what they're called but they're so sOFT and wonderful. miss the most? probably being in person and at school with all my old friends. and i miss being good at school, which sounds all kinds of stuck-up but i think this might be my gifted child burnout year and Yikes. i miss,, i miss not worrying so much about gender. that's a lot of things but y eah.

i'm afraid that i'll drop my phone through the gap between the elevator car and the floor landing, because it'll just what. drop to the basement?? never be seen again?? and it looks like it could fit my phone but i can't be sure and i certainly don't want to test that theory shdfjskdl. something deep uhhh. i'm afraid that i'm lost in the sense of "everyone else knows what they want and i don't", or i'm afraid that i'm so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that i just become. really goddamn stupid. idk dude i'm afraid of a lot of things usedhfjk

something mundane and something deep you're afraid of? what's something small that gets you excited? least favorite thing to receive as a gift? what color palette do you use on tumblr dot com? - 🌵

no literally and now i'VE taken forever to answer so i think. i think we're even. shfsdjfsdfkjsldfjslf

ahhh ok ok i have been doing random doodles in my notebooks and stuff so i will maybe spam u sometime!!

SDFJSLDFJSLFJ i wish u were in my closet too <333

oooh i will queue both of those songs rn and they will play while i answer the rest of this!! ill let u know what i think :D

okay update my wifi is out so i cant listen to them but I WILL LATER!!!

no no i also miss being good in school. switching from gifted kid to gifted kid burnt out stuff is literally the worst feeling im so sorry </33 also yeah gender... yeah

okay actually that is such a mood tho because i also have no idea what i want to do with anything and it feels like everyone around me is starting to figure it out and i just don't know

something mundane is probably just. bees. i am so fucking scared of bees every kind of bee even the ones ppl say are harmless. i legitimately get panic attacks sometimes and i just. can't do it. and ppl get ?? mad at me for this ??? theyre like oh but bees dont even wanna hurt u :( like okay im not trying to make them extinct im just saying i can't be around them without hyperventilating. thanks.

something deep.... definitely that my perception of myself is just 100% incorrect. i'm terrified that i've just completely misjudged myself and i'm nowhere near as self aware as i think, and that i'm nothing like how i've interpreted myself to be.

something small that gets me excited is for sure just going on my phone after a few hours of not being on it and seeing messages from friends. like. good morning messages or things sent while i was in class. things like that make me feel so <3333 like oh !! people think of me people like me that is so <3

least favorite thing to receive as a gift is for sure expensive things. i havent really received any but i just don't want to ?? like i would lose them really easily and for me theyre just objects so i wouldnt feel extra grateful?? idk. that doesn't make sense. but like for example someone gave me a super fancy pen for my birthday and like. okay thanks but it's just a pen?? i like normal cheap pens better sghsjdfsjf

dark mode dark mode dark mode !! might switch it to a halloween one tho for spooky season <3 probably not tho

what color palette are you on? whats your least favorite thing to receive as a gift? do you make wishlists for things? do you like floral patterns? what's something that made you angry today/recently? what's something that made you really happy?

[hot-caramel-macchiato]

Save The Date is actually a really good book. i wonder why it's so underrated 🤔 i really enjoy the first person POV, it's a nice change after reading all the third person POV books. plus wouldn't it be better if you describe sex scene in FPP wink wink

Best Man (i named him Leonidas) is really a jerk and irl, i would have cry all the time/kill myself before i could work with him in peace 😂 but he got that dominant vibes and i really like that in a man, so although Simon is a sweet little boy, he feels too childish and i don't really like a guy like that as my boyfriend 🥺 it would be more appropriate if he's my little brother.

towards the end of the book, Leonidas is still getting no better. i mean he did apologize for making a fuss and all that with MC, but i kinda feel like he's not sincere about that 🤷‍♀️ i would never date a guy like that irl, but since it's a choice between a little bro and a jerkass boss, i guess i'd choose the jerk. i'm really into bad boys anyway 🤦‍♀️

Lindsay is, well. i'm still a straight girl, with the appreciation for beautiful ladies 🤷‍♀️ Lindsay is a really good friend! 🥰

maybe because Pixelberry already decided it's gonna be a solo book, they really didn't put any effort in the romance and the chemistry between characters 😅 it just feels so stiff, besides the side characters are so annoying yes i'm talking about the lesbian couple 🤦‍♀️

it would be more interesting if they dig a little deeper into the feelings of MC about her ex and the incident at the altar. and a little more sympathy from people would help too. people around her are such cold-blood creatures! 🙄

between Save The Date and Bachelorette Party, i'd gladly pick this one. BP is such a wild book, but the romance is quite good so that's a plus. i like both Reed and Ash, but Reed is giving the Adrian vibes though, so i picked him like almost immediately 😂 but overall, it's still not a book i'd add to my favorite 🤨 that's why it won't have its own post, because i didn't screenshot any memorable scenes. simply because there is no memorable scene at all 😒 well except for the part they took the characters from Endless Summer, and it's the same as my MC even!

i've also finished Wishful Thinking, way before i even started reading BC. it's a real funny book, but not my style either. she suddenly had superpower, no explanation at all. then it malfunctioned and disappeared, no explanation either. it focused waaaaay too hard on the take down the bad guys stuffs, there's no time for other things in her life 🙄 it was a relaxing book for diamonds mining, but in all seriousness, i didn't enjoy it.

finally, i just wanna say, after killing Rheya reading Bloodbound, i really got something going on with Greek names 🥺 i named MC in Wishful Thinking Eryx Myrrh, MC and Best Man in Save The Date Cassandra Hephaestus and Leonidas, MC from Bachelorette Party Zephyra Admetus. i might go with Greek names from now on for future books 😂

i'm so busy with school and finals i barely have time to catch up with everything on Tumblr 🥺 i'm still reading Distant Shores, TRH2, Witness, while still waiting for OH2 and BOLAS to comeback from the hiatus 😩 i also need to waste my keys in the waiting phase, so i'm catching up with Rules of Engagement book 2 (i endured everything just because i love Leo).

i hate the way it forces player to play as 4 people in a single series of books 🤦‍♀️ i hate that the bookish sister only have 1 LI!? i like that Paolo guy, but they gotta force her to be with Audrey 🙄 she HAS to be a lesbian for your sake of diversity huh? 😩 i hate that it forces the REAL MC to date all the guys, when i really just wanna focus my relationship with one guy cough Leo cough. the only relationship i could encourage in these books is between party girl sister and Blake. or Carter. i like both guys, and they're not even main characters 🤷‍♀️ reading these books are really a waste of time, so most of the time i just sit there, doing other stuffs while tapping my screen not knowing what i was doing 😅

imagine how awkward it's gonna be irl, if 3 guys propose to you and all expecting your answer, while you're, like, already make up your mind of who you're gonna choose from chapter 1 🤡 overall, i hate RoE and please blind me. worst book(s) ever. negative number out of 10.

[kendrixtermina]

Since you seem to enjoy analyzing stories I was wondering if you have any advice on what to do when your mind narrows in on critical aspects? I usually really enjoy analyzing media but recently I found that my mind tends to hyper-focus on aspects that I don't like even when I'm actively trying to ignore it and focus on what I do like. So I was just curious if you have tips for dealing with it and/or getting out of this mindset. Thanks and I apologize if this isn't the right blog for this!

Ugh. This is a big question and I’m not sure I’m qualified or immune to complaining. But I consider myself honored, I’ll try my best to answer it. 

There’s three things you can do here

a) Try to find out where it’s coming from. 

Cross-examine yourself active listening wise. Your reactions can generally come from two places: What you’re actually looking at, or yourself. 

Is everything annoying you as of late because you are angry? Are you having a bad week because of something in your private life? Are you sensitive because some larger tendency in RL/society is pissing you off? Is it even anger? What are you feeling and why? Does it really have anything to do with this movie etc?

Or is it something about the work itself? Does it remind you of something that happened to you? Does your displeasure come from a value that is important to you or a pattern that you believe to be a bad influence on society. 

Really try to put into words what it is that makes you feel this way while keeping in mind that your feelings, your reaction to the work and the work itself are separate entities. 

I’d remain open to the possibility that you have a legitimate gripe here. If you personally can’t enjoy a work either because a subjective factor or an objective flaw that’s a dealbreaker for you, you shouldn’t force yourself to like it because your friends do or because it didn’t do anything “unforgiveable”. Deciding that it’s not your cup of tea needn’t be a moral judgement on everyone who made the work or everyone who likes it. 

On the other hand you might find it easier to enjoy it if you acknowledge the flaw and put it into definite words, tell your inner critic that you heard them and then continue. If you try not to think about something you automatically end up thinking about it. 

b) Keep in mind that there are many valid stories and that all of them are worth telling

A lot happens on this green earth. Consider the following cases:

A1: A small, lithe person is mistreated by a big strong one

A2: A small, lithe person mistreats a big strong one and pretends to be the victim appealing to their small ness

B1: An eccentric kid is labeled as disordered just for being eccentric and because the teachers don’t want to deal with her 

B2: A serious-minded kid has an actual anxiety disorder and experiences stigma because of it and people not understanding that it’s real and debilitating

C1: There is a socially awkward, nerdy character. She is eventually revealed as autistic and her friends accept her just as she is. 

C2: There is a socially awkward, nerdy character. She comes out as aroace and all her friends support her. It is emphasized that she is actually as affectionate as everyone else and preconceptions to the contrary were just bigoted misunderstandings. 

C3: There is a socially awkward, nerdy character.  She finds a significant other who loves her even though she is socially awkward, and her love leads her to discover more communicative passionate sides to her personality. 

Clearly, for each of these scenarios, there are going to be people who relate to some but not to others. If you’ve got an anxiety disorder you’re going to relate to the story with the anxiety disorder, and if you were mis-labeled by incompetent teachers you’re gonna relate to that. But both actually happen in real life. B1 is me B2 is one of my sisters. You might even say they’re caused by some of the same intolerant attitudes. 

So ask yourself:  Is any of these intended as a “fuck you” to the people who would rather have the other ones? If in one particular story the character was mistakenly labeled by incompetent teachers and never had a real disorder, it it saying that no one has real disorders? If the small and lithe character turns out to be the victim, does it mean that big and strong characters are never victims? No of course not. 

 - You can criticize it if the story outright makes such statements and it is vital to do so (see next paragraph), but if the point in the story is just that this particular character was wrongly labeled, or this particular small character was the victim, then it’s simply telling a different story, not at all making a point about whether real disorders or big strong victims exist. 

What’s cathartic or empowering or meaningful to people is as different as people themselves. There’s a good chance that there won’t be an exact match between you or any given authors. 

Often the problem is not the stories that are there, but the ones that are missing. It’s not per se bad to have “girl gets rescued by prince” stories, it’s only bad if they’re the ONLY stories. The solution is more stories. 

Obviously there are exceptions to that like stuff that outright includes negative stereotypes or unquestioned bad behavior treated as good, 

c) Focus on constructivity and context instead of loaded labels

The above was more about perceived flaws this one is about real indisputable flaws. Flaws that are important to point out.

The number one goal here, if you really care about stopping harm and not anyones egos,  should be to get people to stop doing it. 

Sometimes in extreme cases making someone out to be a bad person and warning of them is exactly how you stop harm, but often time its not and getting obsessed with “punishing bad people” while losing sight of “preventing harm” does zero to help the people actually being harmed. Or worse than zero, if you associate a worthy cause with frivolous squabbles. 

Some people just don’t care and will never change their ways but you won’t ever convince those. You need to convince everyone else. All the ones who are maybe just ignorant and didn’t know better, or never had to form an opinion about this. Even if the maker themselves won’t change opinion, you can sway those. 

Imagine a bigoted religious person. how are you more likely to convince them? Get them to stop being religious, which is probably a part of their identity? Or try and argue that equality is, in fact, compatible with their religion? If you step on people’s egoes they will be attacked and block/dismiss all you have to say. Not only will they not change, they’ll dig in their heels. In the worst case, they’ll now start thinking that your Reasonable Position is incompatible with their identity. 

Again some people are determined to have their egoes stepped on and will be insulted no matter what, but those are not the target. 

This isn’t about appeasing assholes, it’s about creating change, because that will stop harm. So instead of throwing negatively changed emotional labels at people (which activates the ego and the emotions) try talking about cause and effect and consequences, to talk to their reason. Explain how the consequences happen. 

For similar reasons, try to think of solutions. You don’t want to destroy the work, you want to make it a better work that more people can enjoy without being distracted by unnecessary flaws. 

Avoid: 

“X is a [negative label] who [buzzword] a [sympathy-drawing label]!!! Why are [entire social group that contains people you want to convince] like this?!”

Instead:

“I know that this was probably supposed to express [intention], but it comes off like [unfortunate implication] and given [harmful social tendency] it might have been better to do [alternate redendition] “

Example #1: “The intention in scenes like in the original Blade Runner, several James Bond Movies or in the Original Star Wards trilogy where the original male characters was probably that these protagonists being suave guys know that the girls really want them to screw/kiss them. The authors know this because they created the characters, but IRL you cannot actually read anyone’s mind and what often happens IRL is that person A proceeds without really making sure that the other person is comfortable, and then they freeze up in fear though they don’t want to have intercourse, and ends up horribly traumatized. There’s not enough general knowledge about the “freeze” part of “fight-flight or freeze”, or good consent education and it would be irresponsible to make this worse. 

All it would literally take to fix it is to have the girls explicitly show that they want to kiss/have sex.”

Example #2: “A lot of horror fiction slaps the names of real diagnosable conditions on what are basically violent monster villains. It’s only natural to wonder what’s going on in the minds of killers and monsters and try to want to contextualize this, but it is vital to keep in mind that there is currently a lot of stigma against people with mental ilnesses, and that depictions like this can make it worse and make it hard for actual real-life people to get jobs and housing. 

If you’re going to use the names of real-life diagnosable conditions you should be committed to researching them and writing the characters realistically while being mindful of the stigma and the social impact that wrong renditions would have and not make a freakshow out of it. 

Alternatively, if you just want to do an unrealistic horror movie killer, don’t use the names of real conditions that real people have.”

d) Refresh Button. 

Especially because you’re saying that this isn’t your default mode and that it feels like some recent thing that you don’t really want. 

- take a break, busy your mind with something else, give the subconscious time toprocess and old perceptions time to settle. Then come back to it. 

- Try sort of looking at it from a new perspective, to deconstruct it from the bottom. What dothing really mean? What are we really told about the characters and events? Try processing it all new from the ground up without “common widom” 

- Things that aren’t explained on screen aren’t necessarily plot holes. There’s a difference between a contradiction, something that can’t fit together, and something that can fit together you just don’t know how. Deduce. Speculate. This is where your logic and imagination come in. 

- Maybe watch a new person react to it for all new input like a reaction vid on youtube

e) Outside Data. 

Same as above - People are basically really sophisticated Boltzmann machines/ statistical learning algorithms. I#m the least to want to admit that but to a degree we’re all influenced by the Data we take in. 

If you’re surrounded by a lot of material and soucres that pick apart every little thing in media, it’s natural that it would arise as a thought. 

If you don’t really want that in your life, filter it out. 

I hope this was of some sort of use. But I stress again that I’m no kind of authority on any such things and that many others might pick this apart as blasphemy. 

[meggtheegg]

Wow, I did not expect you to answer my question about the Evan actor interpretations so fast! Thank you so much! You said that you could do an analysis on the actor's interpretation on Evan as a character, so I was wondering if you would be willing to do that? I'm going to New York in a few weeks (planning on seeing MLB in DEH) and I am really excited to see DEH for the first time ever!

You’re so welcome! And that’s super exciting! Seeing DEH in person is so powerful, in a way that bootlegs just can’t capture. You’re gonna love it!

And, as requested, here’s some character interpretations :D

Michael Lee Brown - As I said before, MLB’s Evan is definitely on the autism spectrum. But, he doesn’t know it. His official diagnosis seems to be anxiety, and that’s what he’s running with. But the social anxiety is a direct response to people’s actual reactions to him, not a fear of what might happen. He doesn’t really understand social norms, and the way he talks and acts seems different to others. He’s had negative experiences with people, many times before. When Zoe calls him weird and he says “I know,” it feels like an exchange that has happened a lot. Especially with a friend like Jared, who breaks apart everything he says and does, he is extremely aware of the fact that, try as he might, he doesn’t always know how to act. And all the therapy and anxiety medication isn’t helping him much, either, because neither of them are addressing the actual cause of his struggles. Because of that, he feels broken. He avoids talking to people out of fear that he’ll get it wrong, and he has this desperate need to keep everyone around him happy all the time. His worst fear is people being mad at him, and that’s a big thing that pushes him through his every decision. It’s what makes him keep the lie going, it’s what makes him send Alana the note, and noticeably, it’s what gets him to admit the reason he broke his arm. With other Evans, Mike and Alex were gentler in that scene, coaxing the truth out of him, but when it’s MLB, they both yell at him. He doesn’t like big shows of emotion, in general. Seeing Cynthia cry is almost as painful for him as being yelled at. I think his Evan is in the unfortunate situation where he’s extremely empathetic, but struggles to process and deal with emotions. As for his relationships, he sees through some of Jared’s bullshit but does believe that he doesn’t actually want to be friends. He loves his mom, but doesn’t entirely trust her. He thinks she wants to “fix” him, and resents that enough to push her away. His crush on Zoe borders on a special interest. He knows every little detail about her, and I think it’s a compulsion at this point to learn more and more. Cynthia and Larry definitely become his surrogate parents, to the point that he forgets about Connor every so often, but whenever he’s reminded of him, he looks devastated for them. Especially for Larry. Also, I don’t remember if the others do this, but he has a bit of a freudian slip during “To Break In A Glove.” Instead of immediately saying “Connor was really lucky to have a dad who cares so much about taking care of stuff,” he just says “Connor was really lucky to have a dad.” He quickly catches himself and adds the rest, but he makes that a noticeable moment. 

Colton Ryan - The first word that comes to mind with Colton’s Evan is fear. He’s a very frightened kid. Where you feel like MLB’s Evan has had a lot of negative social experience, Colton’s Evan seems to just overthink everything. His mind jumps to the worst possible outcome of every situation, and he constantly does damage control for something that may never need it. He and his mom have a better relationship in the beginning, and it only falls apart once he becomes close with the Murphys. It’s like he doesn’t notice the flaws in their relationship until he experiences a different one. The things he says when they’re fighting come across as true, but they seem to have popped into his mind in the moment, rather than being something he’s wanted to say for a long time. The biggest thing he needs is a supportive figure in his life, and that’s what the Murphys provide. He needs reassurance that he’s doing a good job. He’s a really smart, nice kid with extreme self-esteem issues. Once he gains confidence, he thrives. His crush on Zoe feels more like a typical high school crush than an obsession, and their relationship is actually pretty sweet. (Colton is the only Evan who had believable chemistry with Laura Dreyfuss, in my opinion.) In the scene before Only Us, you really feel like you’re just watching two teenagers talking to each other. But, the loss of that relationship doesn’t feel so important because most high school relationships end, and that’s exactly what they feel like. A high school relationship. Fun, but ultimately temporary. He and Jared work off of each other really well, and you feel like they’ll actually make up after the end of the show. From the start, Evan’s very aware of his bullshit, and he’s just as sarcastic back to him. Even though Jared is probably one of the biggest things tearing his confidence down, he’s also one of the only people he’s comfortable with, in the beginning. They’re both relaxed around each other, and it’s the thrill of the Connor Project that pulls him away, not a genuine belief that Jared doesn’t care if they’re friends or not.

Taylor Trensch - Where Colton is frightened and MLB is awkward, Taylor is bubbly. He is the smiliest Evan, always cheerful and thinking of the positives. You sometimes get a glimpse into the idea that it’s an act, but a lot of the time, it seems genuine. He doesn’t seem to realize that Jared’s comments are mean-spirited, or that Connor signed his name in awkwardly large letters, and he seems genuinely grateful for both. Zoe seems to intimidate him way more than Connor does (and maybe that’s what he likes about her.) Taylor’s Evan is a double-sided coin. He’s the most outwardly friendly of the Evans I’ve seen, but also the most selfish. He almost seems to be manipulating the situation with the Murphys from the beginning. The fact that Taylor plays down the anxiety so much makes his actions feel more like calculated plans than split-second decisions. Once For Forever has happened, he is all in on making the lie as convincing as possible. He seems blissfully unaware of a lot of things, dismissing Jared in Act 2 with the same big smile and cheerful tone he always has. He’s shocked whenever anyone’s mad at him, like it never crossed his mind that he wasn’t being nice. He’s also the most in denial of how he broke his arm. He’s sobbing by the end of that scene, and still doesn’t seem to have accepted it. When he tries to tell Heidi about it later, he breaks down sobbing again. This Evan is more immature than the others, and either knows exactly what he’s doing or has greatly misinterpreted what he’s doing. He’s a master at convincing himself of things that aren’t true, and it makes sense that he does the same to other people.

Roman Banks - Roman is a very shy Evan. Much like Colton, he tries to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible. He’s a genuinely sweet kid, but he really doesn’t know where he fits in. And, I think his father leaving has had the biggest impact on Roman’s Evan. If I really wanted to overanalyze things, the fact that Heidi is white and Evan isn’t adds another emotional level to that plotline. He’s missing an important figure in his life and is constantly trying to fill that void. He’s also very much a kid. He hasn’t been exposed to a lot of the world’s problems, and when he’s thrown into the spotlight, he doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. He has a desperate need to keep people from worrying about him, so he puts on a very thin mask that a lot of people don’t see through. His mom, especially, takes everything he says and does at face value, when he wishes she would look harder. With the Murphys, he feels like it’s a little safer to not be completely okay all the time, because they aren’t either. They’re grieving their child, and they are able to provide each other mutual comfort. He helps to fill the void, and they let him be a little more vulnerable. He and Zoe together are just cute. They’re kids who are smitten with each other and have no idea what to do with those feelings, and it’s kind of adorable. Roman and Mallory work together really well, and seem like genuine friends irl. He doesn’t put her on as much of a pedestal as the other Evans sometimes do. He just really, really likes her. He’s a little more awkward around Larry, because he’s not really sure what to do with a father figure. But, when he takes a moment to open up to him, there’s finally a moment of real bonding, and from that point, Larry is constantly gently reassuring him. When the truth comes out, where it usually hits hardest that things with Cynthia or Zoe have been broken, Roman’s Evan losing his bond with Larry is what stands out the most. There’s a sort of relief during the scene before So Big/So Small, because finally, for the first time, he’s vulnerable with Heidi, and she accepts him. You can see the weight that’s lifted from his shoulders, and his improvement by the orchard scene feels like it was largely because of that freedom to be open with his mom.

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

~

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it. 

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play. 

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

[aftgonice]

I'm not sure if this is weird but maybe story time I guess. There was this anon that bashed one of my fav authors.. Said that they wondered why author was so well liked when said author is self centered and doesn't really have good work. Several minutes later, messages came pouring in. Author's mutuals defended said author and well of course, said anon's an asshole and all that (to be continued) - 💙

I’m not close with fav author and I know that anon is asshole but when I saw the comments from author’s mutuals, all I could think is how much envy that anon felt after.. And maybe it’s because I’m not a mutual to the author, but I empathize with the anon more.. (to be continued) - 💙

I saw myself then and there, how shitty I was and how I lost respect from potential friends/peers and how much it sucked that said anon just being bashed by other’s when really that anon might be a lonely person who just wants someone to talk to.. (to be continued) - 💙

And it just made me want to reach out and say these things, support them, tell them on their bullshit without telling them off that they’re the worst human being ever (because really human’s are flawed and that said human probably just need a friend.. That.. Or they really are an asshole.. I wouldn’t know haha but it just.. It stung my feels so hard… - 💙

Sorry if this is becoming an angst fest hahaha it seemed like a weird thing for me I guess soooo yea I just shared.. Anyways have some 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 - 💙

Hey Blue Heart Anon!!! (I love that you sign your messages)

Okay, first of all, thank you so much for these messages! They’re really personal so I want to thank you for opening up and most of all trusting me with these.

Secondly, I need to make it clear that something similar happened in my circle of mutuals (and I think it’s likely that you’re referring to exactly the same episode I witnessed). I don’t know why I feel like I should point it out but I guess it’s a disclaimer I want to have here in case my mutuals think this episode touches them personally.

Okay. Now. 

You, dear Blue Heart Anon, have a great heart and a very sensitive soul and I appreciate it a lot. And let me tell you, while reading your messages I could see my own thought process and I could see myself writing the exact same things. Are you actually me?

You see, when people find a way (here the way is anonymity) to be needlessly mean like that anon was (from here on: Mean Anon), it means they’re envious and jealous. So when they say: “your work isn’t good enough”, what they say is: “I’ve never written anything in my life and I’m jealous that you’re writing something and are so successful”. 

It’s perfectly fine not to like someone’s work, and depending on what type of content they create there are ways to let them know. For example, it’s essential to the book industry that published books get honest reviews from readers. But books are something you pay for, and there’s a whole market behind them, and the reviews don’t go to the authors themselves (unless they do decide to read them, but reviews are supposed to be for other reviewers/readers and for the publishers).

When dealing with fanfiction or fanart, obviously everything is very different from what I described about the book industry. First of all, any criticism (unless the author/artist asked for it, usually in the form of constructive criticism) should be kept to yourself. That’s because content creators are giving you something for free, they’re often exposing themselves in a way they would never do with their friends and family, and you’re just a witness to what they chose to let you see. And unless they gifted their work to you specifically, you chose to click on their work and could have stopped consuming it at any point. So, unless the author asked for criticism, you simply leave, maybe even unfollow them, but that’s it. 

(Sometimes a fic/work is very offensive and it hurts a group of people, that has happened in two of my fandoms and that’s a whole other thing to deal with, but I wanna try to keep this as short and as in-topic as possible.)

TL;DR so far: generally speaking, if something is free and you are somehow able to talk to the content creator directly, do not criticize. 

Let me go back to the comparison with the book industry a little bit.

I feel like there is this barrier we see between ourselves and someone we know is a published author. Even if you can talk to them via twitter these days, we still see them as automatically better than us.

This barrier doesn’t exist on tumblr. We see authors or artists interact with other people we follow or even our mutuals. Maybe we’re mutuals with some of them. We actually talk to them and share many of the same interests as them. 

So when we see their success (a bit like we’d see a published author’s success), it’s much easier to both identify with them and also to ask ourselves, “Why not me?”

If my mutual or this person I follow is just a “common person” like me, maybe even someone I have talked to, what do they have that makes them more successful than I am?

We aren’t envious of something that we know is almost impossible for us to achieve. To change metaphor a bit, we don’t send hate messages to, let’s say, the greatest pianist of our generation, because it’s very unlikely that we could have ever competed for that spot ourselves (unless we’re a great pianist too). 

We are most envious of what we could see ourselves achieving, and yet don’t.

We don’t because we aren’t brave enough to try, to put ourselves out there, and that’s okay! Not everybody needs to be writing or drawing, but the thing is: we see that there’s only one tiny step between Doing The Thing and Not Doing The Thing, and content creators on tumblr are just one step further than other tumblr users (the ones who only reblog and send nice messages and that we all love because we wouldn’t have an audience without them). 

That’s where Mean Anon comes in. Envy is normal and natural, and a healthy amount of it is actually what drives you to do better and put yourself out there, as long as you recognize it for what it is and put it to good use.

But people like Mean Anon aren’t able to take that envy and turn it into something productive, so they twist it and turn it to something ugly like hate messages (all as anons, of course, because they would never show their faces while saying those things). 

And you, dear Blue Heart Anon, are absolutely right. Mean Anon is probably unhappy IRL for whatever reason (@ Mean Anon or whoever identifies and sees themself as a possible Mean Anon: I don’t know you and I don’t want to make any more assumptions about you, but I hope you’ll somehow see this message and maybe it’ll help you) and coming on this site where creating and being successful is so potentially easy that it seems like everybody could do it must be really hard (and no, that’s not sarcasm: it really is hard to see others succeed while we simply don’t, no matter if it’s IRL or here).

It’s okay and it’s good for us to acknowledge that there are real people with real feelings behind these Mean Messages, because sadly they won’t stop coming, so we might as well try to understand why they act the way they do. True, some people are just pure assholes and that’s it, but I think when we’re talking specifically about someone attacking someone else because of their success, there’s always envy at the root of the problem.

And envy is one of the worst feelings ever. I talked about how Mean Anons are probably people who were never able to take that step towards creating something, but we all experience envy even if we create content ourselves. The same people who got hate messages probably envy someone else they deem more successful than them.

I envy some of my mutuals every day because they are faster writers than I am, or they write stuff that attracts more people, or whatever reason, and on bad days I need to take a step back and be off tumblr for a bit, but at the end I turn that into a way to push forward or tell myself that it’s okay if this is the best I can do. 

Their success is not your failure. There is a role for everybody and you just have to find yours. 

I don’t think it’s my place to tell people how to react to this particular kind of Mean Anons (the envious ones). I can’t blame people at all for treating them like the assholes they are, especially in the heat of the moment. The thing is, Mean Anons are bullies that, regardless of their reasons and personal history, want to intimidate others because that’s much easier than showing them support, because they have no one to properly vent their anger and frustration to, so they vomit all over you and your shit and that might give them a tiny bit of satisfaction right away, but believe me, they’ll feel like shit afterwards. Even if they don’t feel like shit about what they said, they just keep feeling like shit because living life this way only makes you more bitter and sad and there’s no way out unless you start loving yourself and others.

So, this turned into one of my longest rants yet, but I’m really grateful for your messages, Blue Hearts Anon. Keep seeing good in people even when they’re in the wrong and when they’re flawed, as long as you acknowledge that what they do is shitty. Maybe one of these Mean Anons will meet you or come across your nice messages and will feel understood and won’t harass anyone anymore.