#and their inability to be accountable and own up to the things they've done to really hurt me

[thesherrinfordfacility]

LWA: Some more idle thoughts about narrative construction and both seasons, prompted by your reflections about AWCW's inability to see consequences and Aziraphale's already-vivid awareness of them.

Crowley's and Aziraphale's pre-Fall selves are already set into their post-Fall approaches to consequences. Aziraphale, given adequate data, is very good at predicting the most plausible consequences of any given action; unfortunately, he's also very good at predicting consequences when he only thinks he has adequate data, which leads to repeated disasters (both the 1862 fight and the end of s2ep6 being the most obvious examples). It's not an accident that he's good at interpreting prophecy. It may also explain the weird Jane Austen misreading, which has nothing to do with how Aziraphale fell in love (past) but everything to do with constructing an iron-clad narrative in which there's a definite, logical romantic outcome (future). AWCW is politically naive, but fallen Crowley /still/ can't predict what ought to be the completely logical consequences of his actions. (Hence perhaps his own misreading of Richard Curtis, which mistakes the climax of a romcom for its inception.) S1ep1 keeps coming back to the fallout of Crowley pitching his stories too well to his demonic audience. He takes down the cell tower and does himself in, turns the M25 into a sigil and both gets trapped on it and temporarily murders an awful lot of people, and...then there's my favorite bugbear. Fans tend to overlook the likely outcome of Aziraphale giving in to Crowley's manipulation and killing the Antichrist, thanks to Madame Tracy stepping in, but beyond the cruelty /this is not something that Aziraphale could have survived/ (figuratively or literally). I was thrown straight out of the S2 episode in which Crowley gives away the entire bodyswap to Gabriel/Jim during his "protective" outburst, because as script-writing goes that there was a decision, but I have to grouchily concede that if Gaiman were to show up and remind me about the child murder business, he would have a point about narrative plausibility.

Crowley genuinely doesn't appear to believe that his relationship with Aziraphale has a developmental narrative. There's no story to be told about it. As I've said here before, his accounts of their relationship do not square either with what's on the screen or with what the actors have said they're playing. For Crowley, they've always been friends, they've always been a couple, they've always had the same kinds of conversations, whereas what's dramatized onscreen is a more heavily-romanticized take on the /book/ narrative, in which they gradually become friends over the course of centuries. There's no sign that /Aziraphale/ believes they've always been friends or a couple, which may be one of the reasons that Crowley's confession doesn't land.* In fact, one of the things that is now starting to bug me is the problem of Aziraphale's relation to Crowley-as-angel, because Aziraphale's problematic assumptions about fallen Crowley's continuity with AWCW (he's not trying to reverse-engineer Crowley, he really believes demon!Crowley effectively still /is/ angel!Crowley, just grumpier) mirror Crowley's refusal to acknowledge that his relationship with Aziraphale has an actual plot.

My take is that Aziraphale could obviously have done a much better job, Crowley-wise, of accepting the Metatron's proposal, but there's nothing to indicate that he could have done anything /else/. It's not just a mirror of Beelzebub's ep1 proposal to Crowley, but a warped mirror, in which the whole point of the "coffee or death" dialogue is that the Metatron is not really offering Aziraphale a choice in the matter.

afternoon LWA, hope you're well!!!✨

i didn't think to look laterally (not to this extent, anyway) at aziraphale and crowley when comparing their pre-fall selves with them later on in the narrative, but that's really fun to consider!!!

i absolutely love this interpretation of aziraphale's inner thought process, because whilst i had never really thought to see aziraphale as having an analytical personality type, he absolutely does; his approach to pretty much anything appears to be very systematic. in fact, im struggling somewhat to think of an instance where im confident that aziraphale reacts completely intuitively... maybe when he squares off against satan (crowley comes up with the time-stop, but where aziraphale chooses to face the devil down feels like he does so without any idea of how it could end)? any other action aziraphale takes, or words he says, feels like they've been very carefully deliberated over before delivery, even if he knows the outcome is going to be... well, shit.

you mention 1862 and ep6 as two examples, but, to me, aziraphale's way of thinking vs crowley's (which i'll come back to) is just encapsulated neatly in the entirety of s1; there are so many examples of where aziraphale consistently reacts to incoming data (when he discovers it or - when he deigns to - when crowley tells him stuff), and acts accordingly, and then immediately cycles back to analysing the result when it doesn't work.

my day-job (GO is practically The Other Job at this point) is largely based around analysis and research, and i regularly use a few thought models (maybe not consciously, but it's second nature at this point) in approach to a problem/question. so looking at the overall context of s1, aziraphale appears to follow a similar process:

scanning (identify the problem: the apocalypse)

analysis (gathering information/data, and identifying mitigating factors or outlying data: e.g. the hellhound conundrum, agnes' prophecy, adam is in tadfield, heaven actively wants the apocalypse)

response (how can the problem/question be addressed, and take into account any extraneous data that may affect the result: e.g. stop the dog, return to tadfield, engage shadwell and the WA, consult a higher authority through the portal, finds a human to 'possess' and get to tadfield)

assessment (the impact of the response, and any splinter effects or conclusions that the response initiated: e.g. realising that they had the wrong boy, identifying the right boy, where the apocalypse would happen, and that he and crowley were alone in stopping it themselves).

the last bit is especially indicative to me of aziraphale being analytical; he hears crowley say that god would not speak to him, but he still tries because it's a viable solution to scrutinise, and when it fails he immediately re-evaluates and then contacts crowley to try out an alternative, and share the information he has, because ultimately crowley ended up - on this count - being correct in his own initial, instinctive assessment.

obviously those phases of problem-solving throughout s1 are non-linear, and instead completely cyclical; aziraphale takes into account different factors and data at individual points in the story, and repeatedly comes up with various options in which to respond to problems as more data materialises - he continuously reassesses. initially, his approach to the problem of armageddon was to Not Act, and allow it to happen, because it was the great plan, and as an angel it was logical to him that whatever god had planned was for the best, was what was always intended, and would only ever be Good because... well, it came from god, right? had he perhaps thought a touch more intuitively, followed his instinct (which is arguably to thwart armageddon, the same conclusion crowley arrived at), he would have probably leapt on the chance to follow crowley's proposal... or possibly even proposed it himself.

but as it stands, he doesn't, and crowley gives him reason after reason to do so. all of this builds as significantly compelling data to aziraphale - to the point that when he's fully analysed (at this point) the potential outcome of Not Acting vs. Acting, he chooses to Act - a conviction that he sticks to. even at the bandstand, he doesnt sway on wanting to stop armageddon, but that the way that crowley proposes they do so not only directly conflicts with aziraphale's moral boundaries (killing a mf child), but also conflicts with aziraphale's sense of logic and reason (running away). and then as a last thought for aziraphale; he goes to instinctively shoot adam when crowley pushes for the last time, and is immediately thwarted by madame tracy - she does it as an emotional, knee-jerk, moral-based, human reaction, "you can't just shoot children!" - but given that that reaction is what aziraphale actually agrees with, it only reinforces that his way of thinking, logically and analytically, is the correct one, just because they happened to arrive at the same conclusion.

but this is where crowley comes in. crowley on the other hand acts very intuitively, instinctively, and i daresay emotionally - his immediate reaction to delivering the antichrist is panic, and to immediately call aziraphale (the narrative at the very least doesn't show any kind of analysis of the issue on crowley's part - would he have arrived at a different response if he had? and plus, as you say, him taking down the phone network was a class A monkey-paw job, well done crowley). but then he goes on to convince aziraphale into stopping armageddon with him (which, admittedly, does work, but only once crowley changes tack, stops invoking the emotional, and instead lays out the logical, does aziraphale agree).

when the issue arises of the hellhound (which, let's reiterate, crowley did not think to tell aziraphale before this point...), and the prospect of their upbringing plan not working because of this, crowley's reflex is to destroy the antichrist completely - but tempt aziraphale into doing it. when aziraphale pushes back on this more resolutely at the bandstand, crowley's immediate instinct is to just run. fair enough, given that crowley ends up being correct that aziraphale's resolution to beseech to heaven will just go ignored, but he similarly doesn't consider that aziraphale needs to test the hypothesis first, engage a more methodical and strategic approach, before resorting to more scorched-earth measures.

but as you say, this definitely harks back to the pre-fall scene. narratively, we still don't have any confirmation on what leads to aziraphale having any concept of punishment, or a sense of consequence; there is no iron-clad context (that I can see anyway!) as to why aziraphale would start to formulate this rationale - that asking questions might lead to a larger, damning (ha) consequence - when we can only surmise up until this point that angels would consider their creator as benevolent and omniscient.

AWCW presumably doesn't mean anything nefarious behind his questions (i think that can be reliably interpreted from his behaviour and delivery), so why would god ever punish him? this is beside the point, however; in any case, crowley tends to rush to a response, to act, without stopping to consider other factors, other data, and the potential consequences. in the pre-fall scene, if he had acknowledged the warning, the 'data', as it were, that aziraphale was giving to him (that something could go wrong if he continue the path he's walking), he might have arrived at the same action but with considerably more caution, and potentially prevented what happened to him (which, in contextual hindsight, is not necessarily a good thing). we don't have the full narrative yet to tell us what exactly happened during AWCW's fall, but it does seem like crowley is a chronic case of "fuck around - find out."

in this respect i personally find it entirely in character - and rather in-keeping with crowley's overall narrative in both s1 and s2 - that crowley reveals the ruse of the bodyswap in s2; he's not thinking about the consequences that it could have, but thinking entirely based on instinct. he's not thinking about whether gabriel/jim might remember the information, whether gabriel (regardless of his presumed reformation of character in ep6) might exploit that information, but entirely acting on the emotional wave that gabriel is posing a direct risk to aziraphale's safety and wellbeing. plus, we don't know how long he was sat in justine's restaurant for; it's entirely possible that he was three sheets to the wind by the point aziraphale happens upon him.

once again! not sure i arrived at a point! but i think in hindsight this is a really interesting way to read the final fifteen; it's fairly obvious that crowley is acting and reacting emotionally during the feral domestic, and aziraphale is - as metatron-aziraphale theories are indicating at the moment - acting and reacting based on a conclusion he's arrived at from data we've potentially only partially seen/data hidden in plain sight. but then we switch to aziraphale saying "i need you!", which is a hitherto uncommon emotional outburst from him, and crowley... saying nothing. is that crowley's way of thinking logically, analytically? because anything he says is not going to change the outcome - aziraphale will ascend, he will not, and they will still be apart?

on the note of their relationship, it's a really interesting dynamic - how crowley and aziraphale both see it from their perspectives. on one hand, you have aziraphale that goes from crush, to acquaintance, to confidant, to friend, to best friend and person he's in love with. crowley's perspective is... well, it is the same, right? so why does he retrospectively suggest that it's something that it, by all accounts, wasn't? look, maybe crowley was in love from the wall, immediately fell for aziraphale when he told him about the sword - but that's not what's actually shown in the narrative, to the audience. so... if he did, did he even realise it? is that why he looks back on their history as being something that, as far as shown to the audience, it isn't?

the s1 flashbacks are all shown from aziraphale's perspective (why am i only realising this now) - mesopotamia, golgotha, rome, arthurian england, 1601, 1793, 1827, and 1941 all show aziraphale first. the scenes are all set up with aziraphale opening them. it's only eden, uz, 1862, and 1967 that show crowley first... and all of them are pivotal moments for crowley's character development, as well as the development of their relationship specifically. that they learn to confide in each other, then they learn to trust in each other, then they learn the extent of what they mean to each other, and then they learn (or acknowledge) the danger of them being together.

so actually - does crowley think that there's no plot to their relationship? or is it that by 2023, he counts on the fact that the plot has already happened? that the biggest problem they confronted in his view - the holy water and the breaking away from heaven and hell - has been resolved (see: it hasn't), and that they've now reached the happily ever after? rather than the fact that we are actually only just getting to the climax of their personal story? which is also likely the stage that aziraphale was at by ep5, and is considering that crowley, by the time of the confession, is still a chapter ahead? "you go too fast for me, crowley."

(christ i don't even want to know the word count of this answer)

and this is similar potentially to how aziraphale sees crowley own angel-to-demon-to-just-crowley development; that he thinks that crowley as a person would want to be an angel again, "just like the old times, only even nicer", because why wouldn't he? he's a good and kind person, why wouldn't he want to be restored to the station and to the place that - in aziraphale's view - inherently embodies that? heaven has been corrupted, and he could make a difference, but heaven was always meant to be the place of good... right?

well, once again, aziraphale is without data - he doesn't, presumably, fully understand why crowley couldn't ever become an angel again, couldn't set foot in heaven again (not in that capacity, at least). so the conclusion he draws absolutely misses the mark; thinks this is the long-awaited happily-ever-after for crowley, when actually crowley is perhaps a chapter or two behind. s2 has shown more that crowley is able to somewhat accept that he is a good person, but he still has a way to go before he fully acknowledges it, and reconciles that with the, we can only guess, full circumstances of his fall.

last point - so glad that someone else spotted the mirror of the beelzebub proposal in ep1 to the metatron proposal in ep6; i think i gasped when i realised the implication of that conversation between beelzebub and crowley!!!✨

[historia-vitae-magistras]

I read your matt getting scurvyfied fic and oofff my heart 🥺. He is so precious, and arthur finally throwing him a bone lol and trying to get him to take care of himself. whats going on in arthurs head in that moment when he realises matt is really not well? does he feel guilty or upset or just like c'mon boy theres no need for that :/

Ahhhh, that is the "Arthur getting his head out of his ass" fic. When the treaty of 1782 was signed, Matthew was returned North after spending most of the war being dragged around by Arthur because he was not trusted to be loyal (for a good reason, he did save Alfred's life at the expense of British blood and treasure more than once.) Quebec City and Montreal became bases for mostly Scottish-funded expeditions of French and Indigenous (often mixed) fur trappers, and Matthew was more or less left to his own devices. Alasdair gave him the job of keeping track of what came in and out of the port with the family accounts. The world lived much closer to nature back then, the grain supply was heavily dependent on the weather, and there were many lean years in the first decades after the British handover. 'Spring fever' comes from the scurvy that sets in at the end of winter before things grow properly. It's just how the world was.

These are all things Arthur is accustomed to, things he accounted for with Alfred most years, making sure he had a good year-long supply of everything he needed. No one really did that for Matt. Things in Europe are changing fast; Arthur is furious with Alfred and suspicious of Matt, and the breakneck speed of events leaves Matt in the dust; getting along mostly all right but not exactly a priority. And this visit... it's Arthur taking his head out of his ass. He's been at sea for a long time, has weathered the post-Amrev slump, he's emerging from the damage, and it's kind of a realization of "oh, fuck, I should probably make sure the second one's still alive."

It's not really guilt. Everyone's lives are like that back then. Maybe a grimace because it wouldn't have to be like this if he paid attention. But there's affection more than anything. Matt sucked it up and didn't complain even when it was apparent what rough shape he and the entire province were in. Matt offered what he had, didn't ask, and didn't throw a fit. There's something profoundly fucked up in how much Arthur approves of that, but he does very much approve. And Matthew was very happy to see him. A quarter starved, clearly suffering, a touch delirious with a real conversation, and mostly drunk on half a glass of small cider, he's not being nervous and traumatized. Things Arthur has usually interpreted as Matt being a French sort of sullen and ungrateful. Instead, Matt's more himself. He's chatty, asking questions, affectionate, attentive, and curious.

Acquiring some oranges and some food is something Arthur can actually do for the boy. He's a shit father on the emotional side of things and moreover a reluctant parent with Matt. But something like scurvy? That, he's an expert in, seawolf that he is. Feeding the little French welp is something he can do, a solution to a problem he's comfortable with. Matthew isn't very much like Alasdair or Francis at all, and Arthur is a little surprised that he cares as much as he does. The sad wet noodle child is pleasant, much to his surprise (even if it's the third time they've done this), and maybe Arthur should take an interest. Matt's biggest problem in life (that he doesn't cause himself) is the inability of others to separate him from Francis when he's little and Alfred when he's older. When finally Arthur's able to, they get along like a house on fire.

[buddieisgoingcanon2024]

Hello, Anon who posted about 🚩🚩🚩 here.

To the anon who posted that we aren't in charge of the show... you're correct, we aren't but... that wasn't the reason for the response to that anon's ask about M and N staying around for S7.

The purpose of it was to illustrate that HOPE is a good thing and negativity is exhausting. Every season and after every episode there are people who hide behind anonymous asks spewing nothing but negativity about how Buddie isn't going canon🙄 . They send them to blogs like this one where it's clear the person who's the owner of it is hopeful the show will allow Buck and Eddie to be together.

If those anons have given up on Buddie, then that's their choice and they have every right to their opinions but the issue is they go to someone's blog who clearly likes Buddie and tries to convince them and their readers that they should lose hope too and it's unnecessary. They should post that mess on their own blogs or communicate with all the "ANTI" blogs that are available because trust and believe, there are plenty of them out here including the ones on 911blr.

Now as far as KR is concerned... that's a whole other story. Not sure if anyone else has noticed but there have already been significant changes and they are very evident.

The show is obviously on a new network (FOX ➡️ ABC) but there's already been a shift in the way the show is being promoted including the main cast member who's out front. AB is being heavily promoted again, as she should be since she's top billed (her name appears first), she's the most well known and she's the highest paid. This seems to be a calculated move to draw new viewers and it could be related to her recognizable name🤷‍♀️.

TM is back and all the mess that happened in seasons 5 and 6 with promotions is no more since they're already 100% better than they were. There are actually trailers and promotions now and they're being played months in advance of the March 14th premiere! For the entirety of season 6, BTS pics, trailers and promos were delayed or nonexistent and the stuff that was submitted didn't get released until a day or two before an episode aired (this doesn't include the pics and videos shared by the actors).

They're serious about where the show is headed and even if KR is still the CO-SHOWRUNNER (emphasis on CO) it appears ABC isn't and won't deal with her inability to run an expensive TV show like 9-1-1.

ABC is ACTIVELY engaging with the fans which is something that's clearly been lacking since season 4. Is it all KR's fault? The viewers will never know but 9-1-1's social media accounts are engaging and asking for feedback from viewers. It appears it's being done on purpose and it's likely they're very aware of the show's most popular ship (BUDDIE) even though it's not even Canon.

Do any of these changes mean Buddie will go Canon?

NO! It doesn't but... it does mean things have changed and the creators are working hard with the network to fix all the BS KR messed up. She's written some great scenes and episodes but sometimes it's hard for people to admit they're not good at certain things and being a showrunner who has to coordinate everything for a show that costs 10 million per episode to produce didn't appear to be her strong suit.

TM has his faults too but IMHO, they worked better together, especially when his attention wasn't divided between OG and LS.

Finally, KR doesn't have the final say in anything because she's not one of the creators. RM, BF and TM are and they're working hard to make 9-1-1 a success again like it was when it first premiered since it's now on ABC.

Basically, hope is a good thing and no one should allow anyone else to diminish the hope they have for Buddie to go canon, simply because they've chosen to give up on it.

Amen. Thanks for saying this. 10000000% agree. Antis STAY AWAY.

[theaccursedninth]

♥ What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise? (dunno if it’s the same answer as what I think it is)

//ohhh it is. Trust me, nothing I've ever experienced online was worse than that.

TL;DR to anyone else reading: Dotty and I have known each other for a LONG time and originally met on a proboards forum back in the early 2010s. It was my first time Roleplaying in a group with an ongoing story and at first, I had a LOT of fun. If you've read any of my stuff here, you know I love a good story and interconnecting character relationships.

However...this forum is where I'd ultimately meet someone I've come to refer to as my arch nemesis--and I mean that seriously. I don't really want to air out my dirty laundry on tumblr; it was a long time ago and even though I've grown up and matured a lot since then, I'm still traumatized by the whole incident. So let me summarize:

This artist I was a fan of for a few years joined the forum and we became friends. She picked a character to compliment my main and for a while things were great. However, as the years went on, I realized she was an incredibly unstable person who could not take even a tiny bit of criticism or respect boundaries without flipping out and victimizing herself. This began an eight year long on-again, off-again feud with this person on multiple platforms that dragged a bunch of my other friends into it as well. I was always the bad guy, me and this person I was also incredibly close with; we were very VERY young adults at the time and this person was in their mid twenties.

Now, my close friend and I didn't handle things exceptionally well, but like I said, we were young and had a lot of our own irl trauma we were working through. I acknowledge this and there are some things I would've done differently. That doesn't excuse how this person stalked my friend and I, constantly shared passive aggressive posts about us, spread lies about us and took any polite requests I tried to make as an attack. They also kept making multiple accounts we would find by accident through the shared fandom tag we liked and every time we blocked them, they'd accuse us of stalking--AND they shared WAY too much about their personal life that they probably shouldn't have at the age I was, even though I was technically an adult.

There was a lot more involved, including another extremely toxic person even older than she was who bullied me as well, but that was much more short-lived compared to this person. Along with some personal creative projects that got muddy and shut down due to this person's inability to accept rejection, but it ultimately ended with me dropping off all but tumblr for a LONG time.

I have no idea what happened to this person and I don't really care. It seems like they've quieted down, but I've done my damndest to make sure they don't recognize my online footprint now. I really hope it stays that way.

[stonesandswords]

i ran into my dad unexpectedly today and it was fine? we had a couple drinks together and caught up and it was fine? what a strange day

[loliwrites]

listen i just read a bunch of your masterlist when i should be going to bed because i work in the morning but i love these two idiots. my mind has gotten the best of me and i can’t help but think of when addi just wants alex to wreck her. she’s so stubborn that she doesn’t outwardly mention she’s needy instead prolongs it until she’s trembling with watery eyes. but when he’s inside? he’s almost nervous she’s gonna hurt her voice from how loud she’s being. every sense is at a max for her, she’s pretty subby too, and alex is obsessed. k bye goodnight

LOL while I am a huge supporter of everyone getting a good night's sleep, I highkey love this 🥹 It proves we're all so alike. That was literally me when I first made this account and I spent the most of 4 solid days going through @lihikainanea, @hausofobsession, and @grandpa-sweaters' blogs as a quiet lurker. So I very much thank you, sweet friend. (I got carried away and this is very long 😬)

I also really love this. This needy, subby, malleable lady who definitely isn't those things in her everyday life. Shit, she can't be. There isn't time to be those things. I have a friend who told me she cries for at least a half hour everyday and my gut reaction was, "how do you have time for anything else?" And I do think there's a side of Addi that doesn't allow herself to really be in her feelings. There honest-to-goodness isn't the time. That's not to say she doesn't cry or break down. She does, but certainly not at work. Not where her emotions may be used as fodder against her.

And what if something like this happened earlier on in their relationship. Like in the time frame that they've just really started having sex. They've not really dived into the depths of play that's going to color their relationship. They're still in the early exploration. As such, Addi's still very much in the exploration of the depths of her own sexuality. To the extent that she very much isn't at the point where she can (in actuality, she isn't at the point where she will) ask for something that might be anything more than what she perceives as run-of-the-mill sex. Maybe particularly because of the fear of any sort of rejection that may come from her suggestion. I've also mentioned before that once they start to explore their dom/sub relationship, she's a very reluctant sub. So at this point, where they haven't even started to talk about that, you could imagine this feeling of neediness is cause for some alarm bells within her. She hates that she could so desperately be in need of someone's verbal, physical, sexual, etc. affection. Hates it so much that she actively tries to not be in want or need of it.

Meanwhile, Good Dude Al is just over here with heart eyes because it's been months of quietly dating, and now they're actually boning, and on top of an actual boner, he's got a real heart boner for her.

Anywho -- maybe Addi spent the better half of her day at the office with an ache between her legs and the inability to commit anything worthwhile to paper. If she wasn't careful, she'd miss her deadline. She spent the other half of the day chastising herself for being so desperate for a man. While one might've been able to describe her as boy crazy in adolescence, she'd never been one to spend all day thinking about them. Surely not to the point of being unable to work. Yet... there she was... having a mental image on loop of Alex just railing her. So understandably, she packed up, texted Alex that she's going to come over, and forty-five minutes later of aggressive driving and yelling at the traffic, she arrived at the house he's renting in Laurel Canyon.

A kiss hello did nothing for her raging hormones, and still trying to prove to herself that she wasn't not as needy as she felt, she cut the kiss awfully short and continued on into the kitchen where she could smell he's got something roasting.

"It's not done quite yet, kid." Alex followed her into the kitchen and glanced down at his watch. "Maybe an hour more?"

And her heart dropped. An hour? How was she supposed to play this off for an hour? What could they possibly fill their time with? At the moment she realized what could fill an hour, Alex wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back into him. His lips followed to her neck for a few soft kisses, which then turned into his own needy advances in the form of nibbles to her skin. She tilted her head to the side, silently cursing herself and simultaneously trying to think about anything that wouldn't cause the aching between her legs to grow more substantial.

But then Alex's hands drifted south. He murmured something, but with his lips pressed to tightly to her neck, she couldn't quite make it out.

"Sex?" She questioned. It was already in the air. Bringing it up in such a nonchalant way wasn't something novel that he hadn't already thought of. His response wasn't verbal, but instead he dipped one hand lower and cupped her. "If you want to," she muttered and set her hands over his wrists.

His hands stilled and the nibbles being administered to her neck turned into languid pecks. "Do you want to?"

She shrugged her shoulders noncommittally and so Alex lifted his head and returned to his normal height. Addi almost whined when he moved his hand away from between her legs and re-positioned them both safely on her waist. Glancing up, Alex was already looking down at her; a small smile on his face.

"We can do something else. Maybe take a couple beers to the back deck?"

Addi scrunched her nose implying that might be a less than desirable plan for their secret relationship. "You've got neighbors,"

"Yeah, Jack," he grinned and tapped her ass. "Go on, I'll grab a couple bottles,"

She listened obediently. Upon sitting on the wicker couch on the desk, she gazed out across their little canyon-side. Across the way, distant but still close enough to yell and communicate (and very much see), was Jack's back patio. She knew it was the main reason why Alex rented the house in the first place. He loved Jack; one of his favorite American friends. Another errant thought of Alex, and Addi bowed her head and silently cursed herself. Pull yourself together.

The back door slid open and Addi raised her head to disarm any suspicion Alex might've had. She smiled and took the one of the bottles from his hand, and scooted over to make more room for him. It was far more than he'd need, and upon taking a seat and realizing that, he hooked his arm around Addi's waist and pulled her into his side.

He moved his arm around her shoulders and took a quick swig, "what's going on?"

She shook her head and looked up at him, "nothing."

"Sure?"

She nodded insistently, feeling she'd succeeded in her white lie once Alex nodded back. Something was going on. She wanted to feel his weight on top of her. She wanted him to pound her into the next century. But oblivious to her silent desires, Alex bent down and kissed her gently. She inhaled on the kiss, but he pulled away too quickly for her to get the full effect of his natural scent, so even when he parted, she leaned forward to keep their lips together. All it took was another heavy throb between her legs to get her to back up.

Alex exhaled, too, the makings of a moan coming out of it and he leaned back in once more for another kiss. This one a little longer with a lot more tongue. When he let that one rest, Addi all but whined. She leaned into his body -- one hand pressed to his stomach, and the other still clutching her beer, yet smushed against his chest. Almost annoyed that he hadn't quite put the pieces together yet, she let out the whine she'd previously suppressed.

His eyes went knowing, and he reached forward to set his beer on the table. When he returned against the couch, Addi nestled in tighter to his body. "You do want sex," he grinned to himself and eased the bottle out of her hand. He set that next to his. It wasn't lost on him that once her hands were completely free, she set one over his crotch with the lightest of pressure. "Why didn't you say so?"

She let out a hum and shrugged. As soon as her eyes drifted downward, Alex nudged her chin back up and cupped her cheek, gliding his thumb back and forth over her pouted lips. "I want to give you want you want, but I want you to be a good girl and ask for it,"

Another pained whine, and just when her lips had opened by the slightest amount, Alex slipped his thumb into her mouth. She immediately quieted down and closed her lips around it.

"Don't you want to be a good girl for me?" He waited until she finished nodding emphatically. "Ask for what you want," he leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I'll give it to you,"

She frowned when he pulled his thumb out of her mouth. "Alexander," she groaned. But his resolve was strong. "Please. I've been thinking about it all day,"

"About what?" He pushed his hand through her hair softly catching her once again pained expression. "C'mon, you got it. Tell me,"

"You fucking me," she whispered.

He smiled victoriously and leaned in for a small kiss. A consolation prize for now. "How?"

"Alex," her eyes started to grow foggy with tears, unsure if it was from her desire or frustration.

"C'mon, you're a writer. You were thinking about it all day. How was I fucking you?" Still being met with silence, Alex lifted her into his lap, and with her legs straddling him, angled her core against his waist. "Was I on top of you?"

She nodded, a blush rising in her cheeks.

"With your legs over my shoulders?"

This time she shook her head, and the change of pace there sparked his curiosity. She even volunteered this information without being prodded. "From behind,"

"Oh," he hummed and smiled. He trailed his fingertips down from the hollow of her neck, between her breasts, and down her stomach.

"I was on my knees with my chest on the bed and you were holding my arms behind me,"

Just the mental image of her with her ass in the air for him was enough to get his blood flowing south.

"And you kept getting so deep and filling me up," her breath caught in her throat and she lowered her head to rest it on his shoulder. She swiped the back of her hand over her eyes. "Please fuck me, Alexander,"

The sentence wasn't even completely done before Alex was tightening his hold around her, and got up from the wicker couch to carry her inside. As promised, he was going to give her everything she wanted, as long as she asked for it.

He set her back on the bed and stripped her clothes off in quick fashion. Once he'd taken off his own shirt, he leaned in for one quick kiss before his first command. "Turn over for me,"

An instant moan fell from her lips, coming to the realization that he was going to stay true to his end of the bargain and give it to her how she'd been imagining it all day. She flipped over onto her stomach and curled her knees up under her.

Alex's eyes went straight to the curve of her ass, then shifted between her legs where her entrance was on display, waiting for him. He rid himself of his pants and palmed his cock from outside his boxer briefs. "You're such a good girl for me," he said as he knelt onto the bed behind her. Her body shifted towards him upon feeling his presence. "Good girls get what they ask for, don't they?

"Yes," she moaned and spread her knees a little further.

He smiled to himself. Under any other circumstances, this was not the woman he'd expect to be so pliable in his hands. She was stubborn, and self-reliant, and steadfastly unwavering. And yet, here she was, waiting for him to take her as he pleased; whimpering like a mad fool.

He set his hand over her lower back, using it to keep himself steady as he bent over and kissed his way up the back of one of her thighs. He could feel her pressing back against his mouth, trying to urge him closer to the place she'd been fantasizing him being the entire day. While he enjoyed reducing her to a shaking, whining mess, he figured she'd been good and brave enough with vocalizing exactly what she wanted from him. That was a big step for her; they both knew that.

Alex continued to kiss his way up the back of her thigh until his lips reached her center. Her body stiffened at the first touch; something that made Alex smile a little harder. He licked a broad stripe from her clit, back up to her entrance. A coo escaped Addi's lungs and Alex hummed back to acknowledge it. He squeezed her ass for a bit more pressure and contact on her skin as he pulled his mouth off of her just enough to lick his thumb.

Just as she started to whine for that good feeling back, he set his thumb at her tight entrance and eased it into her slowly. Her legs shifted on the bed again, trying to get into a comfortable position to accommodate his digit. And she didn't stop until he'd gotten it as far as his last knuckle.

"Please, Alex, I need you."

Hearing her beg for him, regardless of how casual it was, was always going to be enough to rev him up. Obliging to a smallest amount, he eased his thumb out of her, trailed it down her slit until he made contact with her clit. With small and careful circles to her most sensitive part, he returned his mouth to its previous placement and rimmed her to hopefully get her muscles to relax for him. But she whimpered again. As much as she loved and appreciated what he was doing, she only wanted him inside her.

"Alex, if you don't--"

He smacked his hand down on her ass and gave it a firm squeeze to interrupt her. "I know, kid. I'm going,"

"Hurry," she sniffled and closed her hands into fists around the sheets.

Alex sat up on his knees and leaned over her body as a quick detour to kiss the back of her head on his way to reaching into the nightstand to pull out a condom. He worked swiftly, regretting every minute more she had to wait for him. Once he'd rolled the latex down over his shaft, he tossed the foil packet to the side and positioned himself back over her body. One hand gripping into her shoulder to keep her in place for him, and the other dragging the head of his cock along her slit until with the slightest of force, he began pushing into her.

Her hands flexed and released the sheets almost immediately to use them as leverage to inch forward from him. But his fingers tightened over her shoulder and pressed her back against him gently. As he stretched her wider and sunk deeper, he felt her body relax.

"Atta girl," he praised and continued forward until he bottomed out.

"So big," she whimpered and tried to spread her knees even wider still, but Alex nudged them back together.

He reached for her arms and folded them behind her back. With a solid grip on her forearms, rendering her arms useless. "And look how well you take me," he circled his hips, drilling in as deep as he could possibly go.

Addi yelped and the sound was like the shot from a starter pistol that spurred Alex on. He pulled back, nearly completely out of her, then slammed his hips forward into her again. Another shriek meant another hard thrust in and Addi figured with a couple more of those she'd be seeing stars. She dug her fingernails into her arms, leaving crescent-shaped markings up and down her forearms. Alex's grunts filled the space between them with more erotic electricity than they'd had between them before.

"Oh my god," Alex growled, "you feel so good." He snapped his hips forward with emphasis, earning another shriek from Addi.

Just when she was beginning to think she was getting the beat of what Alex's next move would be, and thus finally used to this feeling of outrageous pleasure, he reached around her hips with his free hand and pressed the pads of his middle fingers against her clit. Her body shivered on contact, which only made Alex chuckle like a hunter toying with its prey. She thanked god that her head and chest were already pressed tightly to the mattress, because had they not been, the feeling of his fingers working in rhythm with his length would made her collapse.

"Alex," her breath came out shakier than she imagined it would, and between that and the fluttering of her muscles that she knew Alex could feel, his thrusts became more punctuated and forceful.

"I feel it. Come on. Come for me and I'll give you a second one for being a good girl,"

Just the promise of getting to feel like this again... to feel his weight on her... to feel him pouring every ounce of his energy into her... that was what she'd been daydreaming about all day. So it wasn't lost on either of them when that got her to the edge, and one more thrust from Alex that buried him balls deep catapulted her to her climax. She whimpered and trembled as she came; being prolonged and drawn out as Alex didn't stop rubbing the sensitive bundle of nerves between her legs. Though, Alex did still his hips completely inside her, fighting with her body to stay nestled deep. She won, however, probably because he wasn't strong enough to stop teasing her clit. With her muscles spasming and squeezing his length, she did ultimately 'win' and inadvertently push him out.

"So fuckin' sexy," Alex panted, mostly to himself. With her body now only jolting sporadically, and the hint of a sniffle to get her bearings, he released her arms and spun her around slowly. Once she was on her back and looking up at him, he grinned and nestled his hips in between her legs. "Was that everything you imagined it'd be?"

Her face flushed and she hooked her arms around Alex's shoulders, burying her face into the crook of his neck. He smiled to himself and nestled his head against hers while he reached between their bodies and lined himself back up with her entrance. He eased himself in, pulling his head back when Addi set hers back down on the pillow. Her eyebrows furrowed while he pressed back deep insider her, but now she noticed that his thrusts were much more slow and deliberate.

"Good?" He pulled his hand away from his waist and set his hands on either side of her head.

She nodded reassuringly, "good." It was followed by a fleeting wince as he pressed against her cervix.

"You're gonna make me come,"

She smiled breathlessly as his pace quickened by just a touch, helped along by her orgasm, which had mostly served to make her wetter. "I should hope so," she smiled a little wider, the blush rising once again in her cheeks. A faint moan passed her lips as Alex's waist rubbed against her with each thrust. "Give it to me good,"

It was like a challenge had been set that there was no way Alex would fail. He knew he'd meet it. And she knew he'd give it everything until he did. The easiness of their pace far differed from the one that had gotten her to orgasm number one. While she loved that energy, she wasn't sure which she preferred more. Both were intimate and vulnerable, but like this... on her back, looking into each other's eyes, making each minuscule motion known and felt... might've been her favorite.

She felt Alex throbbing inside her and she lifted her head just enough to plant her lips on his neck, sucking at his skin softly. She even secured her legs around him and kept him deep, albeit rendering him to shorter nudges. It was then, after she kissed and licked the side of his neck just below his ear, that he moaned and bowed his head against her shoulder. She gave his neck a love bite and hummed against his skin.

She even tried to lift her hips up to meet his, but he grabbed onto her waist and held her down. The muscles in his chest and stomach strained. His breath became more labored. The feeling of fullness inside her even seemed to grow more substantial. Curling her fingers in the ends of his hair at the base of his neck, she sucked on his earlobe. "Give it to me,"

It was like he'd been waiting for permission, and the moment she gave him the okay, he gave her one long, hard thrust. Then a second. That one forced him to lift a hand to the headboard to keep her from shifting up into it. Then a third thrust just as hard that resulted in him pausing and letting out some sort of animalistic growl that originated from deep within his gut. She moaned with him, lifting her hips to keep him deep as he rode out his own orgasm.

When he was able to catch his bearings enough to lift his head, he looked down at her with a boyish smile just before he kissed her. he pulled out of her and rolled off the bed, disappearing into the bathroom to properly dispose of the condom. But when he came back into the bedroom and saw her in the midst of situating herself beneath the sheets, he clicked his tongue at her.

"I told you two orgasms," he crawled back onto the bed and pulled the blankets out of her reach.

"You gave me one amazing one, it's fine."

He reached forward and grabbed onto her ankle, pulling her back to him, "I'm a man of my word."

Addi's jaw went slack. She knew better than to make a liar out of him on this particular subject. To be perfectly honest, she thought she'd have a hell of a time getting to the mental and physical space of having a second orgasm. But no sooner than Alex spread her legs apart, slid two fingers into her, and latched his mouth around her clit, she was already getting there.

She didn't specifically check the time, but she's fairly certain it took him a total of three minutes.

[secret-engima]

Galahd worldbuilding question! How do Galahdians deal with mental illness in terms of legal culpability? Like, if someone's mental illness causes them to attack - or in worst case, kill - someone else, how would the Clans deal with that? Most mental illnesses aren't so severe, granted, but some are and that's not even getting into the accidents that can happen when you throw in trauma/ptsd. Which, given the Burning, would probably be *very common.*

....that is a really good question. Uh. Hm.

Hmmmmm.

I think they very much take it on a case by case basis? It depends on the age of the victim, the age of the *perpetrator*, and also in some cases the *mental* age of the perpetrator, as well as their past history? Kinda depends on if they are known to usually be in control of themselves or if they've always had a history of being prone to violent fits? As well as if they can be considered mentally old enough to understand what they've even done, depending on- you know- whatever kind of mental illness they have. I ... do not know a lot about mental illnesses so idk what all goes into it and the sheer breadth of symptoms and reactions so this is a very hard question for me.

Overall, for the more severe cases or cases that cropped up in children (or those who are just- not mentally close to adults despite body), they're given a sort of pass? It is considered more morally reprehensible to punish or Exile someone who has multiple people vouching for their inability to understand what they've done or control whatever caused the incident (that and arguably leaving them unsupervised out there is just asking for more people to get hurt). In the event that it's decided the mentally ill person can't be held responsible, that responsibility and punishment instead falls on their primary caretaker most of the time, the one who should have known better/done better at keeping things running smoothly.

Of course if it turns out the victim triggered the incident despite warnings to the contrary, the victim or the victim's family are made to pay reparations instead. Galahdians are big on the "if you poke it with a stick and it bites you, you deserve it" mentality.

In cases of people who *are* mentally adult and/or have demonstrated a better ability to hold themselves accountable in the past, then the punishment does fall squarely on them. And like- depending on if the victim was just hurt, they likely won't be Exiled? Held legally responsible and punished somehow yes, but not banished.

For mental illnesses like Bipolar ... syndrome? (forgive me if that's not what it's called), they are held a lot more legally culpable, because Galahdians actually have a surprising number of *medications* for stuff like anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc etc. At least back before the Burning. In ancient tradition, someone who demonstrated signs of mental illness was taken to the nearest Temple of Ramuh, where they would be watched and prayed over for several days and nights by the Clan Elders and healers. And because Ramuh is a softie for his kids and also doesn't really do obedience to Bahamut in all but name, those Elders and healers tended to have very vivid dreams of gathering specific ingredients in the jungle and preparing them in certain ways to give to the patient.

Yes I am saying that Ramuh spoils his kids enough that Galahdians invented their own form of mental health medications and practices long before Lucis and Niflheim stopped trying to whack the problem out of their own patients heads with a sometimes literal stick.

Not to say Galahdians didn't used to do that, but prayer and vivid medicine recipe dreams rapidly proved more effective, and those recipes could be written down and exchanged between Clans to help others so ultimately that won out.

Of course the majority of those recipes went out the *window* with the Burning, so there was a resurgence in problems managing/helping with those things when they got to Insomnia and Insomnia's very confusing healthcare system. And of course ptsd was an entire extra problem no one needed.

There are probably more than a few functioning alcoholics in the Galahdian sector of slums, just because at least they know what's in alcohol over the extremely confusing science names slapped on all the mainlander medications.

....I got off topic but does that answer your question?

[rantingcrocodile]

Tbh after finding your blog I was finally able to conceptualize why I was never comfortable talking to radblr as a bisexual women. Gay people aren't oppressors but the miserable and insecure ones out there really ENJOY tearing us down and silencing us just to make themselves feel better. We're easy targets from their POV bc we dont have a strong community to fall back on.

It's also so fucking funny how they try to pretend that bisexuals never existed before the 20th century bc bisexuals "have the option to be in a straight relationship, therefore they are incapable of ever falling in love with the same sex". Like sis? 😂 sexuality can't be turned off, it would be deranged to try and push the idea that every same sex interaction throughout history was done by lesbians and gay men. The reality is that we're never gonna know for certain whether or not those people were gay or bi bc straight people never gave a fuck to differentiate between us until very recently.

And then some gay people have the absolute gall to tell us what is and what isn't biphobic. Like seriously, what the actual FUCK do these clowns get out trying to police us? Some of yall need to mind your own business lmao. They also use homophobic bi people as an excuse to degrade bisexuals and silence us. Radblr really is a cesspool of shitty women pretending to be feminists, but I'm glad I was able to find a bisexual radfem that doesn't cowtail to their bullshit. Wish you all the luck in the world bestie ❤.

I couldn't say that any better myself, seriously.

The one difference that they refuse to acknowledge is that while we're equally oppressed by straight people, they have spaces where they can vent about straight people and get applauded for it, while bisexuals are never allowed to talk about our oppression ever.

They obsess with hating us, but we can't even convince our own community to even only care about the worst examples of biphobic oppression, never mind discuss biphobic oppression in general, so how can we liberate ourselves when even in spaces that are supposed to understand oppression, we're not allowed to speak?

The worst of it is that we always have to apologise for the homophobic bisexuals, but they never apologise for the biphobic monosexuals. And I say monosexuals, because straight biphobes are coddled by lesbians. Straight people! Literally the group that oppress them!

So not only do you have insecure lesbians attacking us to be both biphobic and misogynistic because they feel more "comfortable" abusing us instead of holding straight men accountable, you have self-hating bisexuals who suck up to them because they've been trained to see any issues surrounding bisexuality as "unimportant" where their only purpose is to exist as tokens to silence the rest of us and virtue-signal and support biphobia, and even worse than all of that is the straight women who then get so comfortable that they sidle up to lesbians, pretending to be their allies to vent all of their hatred for everyone who isn't straight towards bisexuals, making sure simply to not be outwardly homophobic because they know that homophobia is the thing that calls them out.

The biggest irony in this space is the obsession with sex. They're such fauxminists that they believe that internalised misogyny ends with the technical ability to not hate and be traumatised by PIV sex, which ends up making them believe that sexuality and acting on sexuality is a sign of moral purity, when it blatantly isn't.

The inability to understand that bisexuality is an actual sexuality ends up making them both idiots and hypocrites, coddling straight oppressors as an excuse to hate us. Their biphobia always ends up ironically swinging right back around to homophobia, like the idea that bisexuals can "choose" who to fall in love with (oh, so lesbians can just "choose" not to fall in love with another woman and avoid homophobia, then?) or that it's fine for bisexuals to deny and hide our sexuality (oh, so lesbians can just stay closeted and then not be oppressed at all, then?) or that the only real oppression by straight people is down to who you partner and have sex with (oh, so lesbians aren't ever oppressed for being individual lesbians, and only are oppressed when they get girlfriends?) etc that is nothing but victim-blaming and a denial of the most obvious reality.

But then we talk about this, and the answer is, "Bisexuals talk over everyone all the time and make everything about themselves!" when they show, every single day, that whenever a bisexual talks on their own blog about their own issues, not bothering anyone else, even that's too much for them to handle and they have to shut it down because they're so used to any discussion of sexuality-based oppression being about them, and they get right into their egotistical, me-me-me feelings that if they can't relate entirely to what a bisexual is saying, then it's somehow "oppressive," but at the same time, they constantly tell us that we can't relate to them and we still have to shut up.

Reading through Anything That Moves, published 30 years ago, shows the exact same issues that we're having right now, well before there was an excuse of saying, "Oh, the bisexuals are behind all the TRA homophobia!" (right until they see blatant biphobia from TRAs and then still can't help but ignore the biphobia to make it all about themselves.)

Nobody cares about us but ourselves. Our actual allies are very few and far between. I have plenty of monosexual followers who do absolutely nothing to support us. Barely a like, hardly ever a reblog, compared to the straights who will run to talk about how terrible homophobia is, but stay silent about biphobia to then support being biphobic for another sweet taste of enjoying their oppressor status right out in the open, where no one is calling them out for it.

What use are they?

Bisexuals are expected to prioritise lesbians, because if we ever have the audacity to simply focus on our own issues and raise our own group's consciousness, that's attacked and vilified as evil and homophobic. Imagine that: doing nothing homophobic at all, but speaking about ourselves and caring about our group first is an automatic sign of bigotry. Which other oppressed minority group is hated to that extent, who also isn't allowed to define our own oppression and is called "abusive" or "manipulative" for standing up and creating and enforcing our own boundaries?

This space is full of nothing but misogynistic hypocrites who have migrated from TRA spaces to use the label "feminist" like that makes them superior to others, who love being misogynistic to the "right" group of women, who fail the first understanding of misogyny to blame bisexual women for the evils that men do, who use lesbians and homosexuality as a shield to hide behind their bigotry, who fetishise lesbians to a creepy, disgusting extent, who fake understanding what oppression is to pretend to be smart and then obsessively talk over an oppressed group, who are more than happy to defend straight oppressors, who are more than happy to defend male oppressors, who are more than happy to absolve rape-promoting TIMs to abuse innocent women instead, who lie about what homophobic TIMs and TIFs want and deny straight-out fetishistic homophobia for no other purpose but to attack bisexual women, who deify Dworkin but make sure not to touch her bisexuality, who claim to hate how women's history is erased by men and then rush to erase bisexual women's history, who hate the silencing of women but who love silencing bisexual women, and I could go on.

There is so much misogyny towards "handmaidens," women who are simply brainwashed by patriarchy and female socialisation, women who really do think that they're doing the right thing even though they end up harming themselves and other women, attacked and abused and laughed at for something that we all know is down to how women are abused with misogyny from the moment that her parents know they're going to have a little girl, but the truth is that the only "handmaidens" I see are the bisexual women who have been exposed to the truth about biphobia, who have seen the statistics when it comes to biphobia, who have witnessed biphobia, who know and understand what oppression in general is and know what bisexuality is and then still decide, with all that knowledge, that they would rather join in with that biphobia, minimise biphobia and virtue-signal for biphobes that they're #NotLikeOtherBisexuals to selfishly try and protect themselves on that thinnest of ice while deliberately throwing the rest of us under the bus.

I have tried being gentle. I've tried being reasonable. I've tried sharing science. I've tried sharing personal experience. I've tried everything, and none of it works, so why should I or any other bisexual be trapped by tone-policing biphobes that will do everything to attempt to enforce our silence? No. Not happening. Not putting up with that anymore.

I have been so naive and wanted to convince myself that the majority of biphobia was down to little more than accidental ignorance. I still think that there are biphobes who are and promote biphobia because they're ignorant, and if they want to learn more or have reasonable, good faith conversations, then I will absolutely support them in that because that helps bisexuals in general. But no, most of it isn't accidental ignorance. Most of it is deliberate, malicious biphobia down to nothing more than very real, very deliberate and chosen hatred of us.

At this point, as far as I am concerned, allies are either allies supporting us as bisexuals openly, who stand with us to help us face the ire of biphobes, or they are useless to me and as bad as the biphobes that they are silent against. They don't have to fear and risk internalising that biphobic hatred, but that's too much for them? Fuck that. This is our lives we're talking about, and they're too scared to stand up to a biphobe? A straight person too scared to say anything against a straight biphobe online? A lesbian too scared to say anything against a lesbian biphobe online? When bisexuals are always standing against homophobic bisexuals?

Who needs that cowardice? Who needs that spinelessness? Because I certainly don't.

I pity the bisexuals with such internalised biphobia that they choose to be the actual "handmaidens," but the truth is that in this space, they're the only bisexuals with voices who are "listened to," and that's only because they're useful tools to attack the rest of us with. They can either grow some spine, join with us and learn to break that internalised biphobia, or they can shut their mouths entirely and let bisexuals with self-respect and boundaries do the talking.

That's where I am right now.

[terrablaze514]

Being Black + R. Kelly, Living With Secrets, and Writing Catatonic Fanfics

Hey everyone.

I'm up extra early, because this is bugging my mind and heart right now. The words might leave if I don't voice (write) it.

In a few hours, I'll be going to church again. Christian, yes. Predominantly Black, you've guessed it. Both of these cancel each other out. Why?

Despite my suspicions growing up, the vast majority of Black people I knew (family, friends, acquaintances, etc.) were still jamming to R. Kelly's music. It makes all the more sense why he's known as, "The Pied Piper", and that's scary as buck if you stop to think about it.

I've never understood why he was permitted to keep making music. Why the buck does Wendy Williams still have an audience? Why did 2Pac and Michael Jackson get destroyed by false allegations (until their sunset), while R. Kelly is still a free man in the music industry with proof of sexual deviance in multiple court cases?

I was 7 when I was molested by a grown woman. I couldn't approach my parents about it, because she became a close friend to my mother, got closer to other notable family friends, and I was already misunderstood at school and church (Grade 2 was a horrible year). My parents were also coming to terms with their breakup, so it didn't help (because what if they had another physical altercation?). Top that with the ongoing belief that men were innately predators...

October 2018, I've had a nightmare of her stalking me while visiting my hometown (the 514) - woke up in a sweat, purchased Black Panther on Google Play Movies, and watched the movie until my eyes shut again... Because mentally, I needed to feel safe. I wanted Wakanda's protection. And I ended up getting it in my dreams (occasionally). M'Baku and The Jabari Tribe are the best!

Back on topic... So, while I'm happy that justice is happening, I'm also disappointed. Deeply disappointed in The Black Community for sweeping this issue under the rug.👏🏾Every.👏🏾 Single.👏🏾Time.👏🏾 I understand firsthand why it's hard to come forward. Allow me to explain (and these are some of the reasons why going to church is a farce in my book).

I've shared with a few Gundam Wing fans (via Discord) that I've sung in three choirs (four if school curriculum counts). To this day, I still jam to my favourite songs and sing as a secret means to calm down when times are too stressful (and if I have no access to a pen and notebook). So why bring this up? Simply put, during my tenure in the third choir, I was spanked and grabbed on the buttocks for holding the door open for an elderly man. [This isn't funny, so if you're laughing, check yourself or leave my blog ASAP]. Not only did this trigger my fear and cripple my confidence as a young adult, but I wasn't able to focus. I've felt scared... Moreso when I've relayed the incident to a few choir members. They've laughed it off, because it sounded funny to them.

It didn't help that this also happened a week after one of my closest friends had died from cancer (and I couldn't make it to his funeral). So being forced to laugh it off, take it with a grain of salt, and keeping it moving wasn't easy. Also, being Black means you don't cry. "Stay strong," is all people would ever say.

I've also been approached and stalked by some strange men, around my age (no older than 27). I'd be waiting at the bus stop so I can commute to work. Strange man shows up, and requests (to the point of begging) that I take the taxi with him. One week later, he begs me to skip work and come over to his place. For what, only God knows. I didn't go, but I've sent text messages to friends. The majority of them found it funny - except one, who also called to check up on me. If it were up to him, he'd drive across town and set the stalker straight.

That was then.

There was a fellow co-worker (cisgender woman) who used to touch, or feel up my inner thighs and buttocks without my consent, and in the presence of customers. How many times have I reported her, yet supervisors promoted her, and would say, "That's her way of giving people props."

What the heck?

Then, by the time I was 25, I've reached my breaking point despite graduating from college and acquiring two careers to call my own. My physical appearance (gaining weight), marital status ("let's find a boyfriend for you on WhatsApp Messenger"), and popularity were the only things that mattered. Damn it all to the grave.

Dating prospects were more like, groomers. And they were all Christian Churchians.💯 I've never given up the V-card, but I've tried to fit in to the point of mental starvation and social exhaustion. In the worst case scenario, I've heard adults (including a parent) poke rape jokes. What's so funny about that?

We sure as hell did not deserve Aaliyah, because the ignorance is real.

I've ended up writing a fanfic project that deals with the music industry, and emphasizes deep comparisons between a good rep team versus an evil rep team, by pulling bits and pieces of experiences by real artists, as well as my "inability to be more transparent/speak up/get out of my shell", and conceptions of what could go wrong if there was no access to a healthy outlet... Combined them into the realities of the characters I'm borrowing. It's still in progress; I'm a perfectionist, yet, the story needs to be told.

There's a second project where two cousins grow up together in the kingdom, get separated after the death of a family member, and the elder cousin searches for his bestie in America. Friendships are formed, but there's also a rampant rape culture against girls in the community where his cousin took residence... Pedophiles will get killed after witnessing the dismissal of reports by police. Go figure.

Writing these types of things, is an outlet. I don't condone abuse, murder, things of that dark nature, but honestly. I grew up in a rape culture. I need a healthy way to deal with (process) that.

Talking about it to people is only safe enough in therapy sessions. Outside of that, get laughed at. Mocked. Told that You deserve it (or did something to deserve it).

I've contemplated suicide last month. Resurfaced memories do more harm than good... And even if I followed through on December 29th (I'm glad I didn't), everything in this post, especially the woman predator who was a babysitter, is the secret I would've taken to my grave. Who could I talk to without feeling unsafe or unwelcome? Without laughing it off in a dismissive manner? Without assuming that I've done something to deserve it, like forgetting to pull on my panties first?

No one.

I've been taught that my big butt, juicy thighs, bust... Yet fat belly, rolls on my back, and somewhat bouncy arms, are something to be ashamed of. From 14 to 23, I used to sport Beyoncé's figure (used to be slimmer)... Yet I still had to feel guilty for embracing that, because if I didn't cover up... If I walked out late... If I didn't keep up with trends... if I didn't turn up for what... If I didn't drop it like it's hot, turn around and bump bump bump, my body too bootylicious for 'em, 'cause if it's worth it lemme work it... And whenever I did these things...

I am guilty.

Now that I'm older, and I don't do these things as often...

I am still guilty.

Because I grew up in a community and a society that hates rapists and pedophiles while making excuses for rapists and pedophiles if I spoke up. If other girls and women spoke up. If boys and men came forward with their true accounts without receiving homophobic comments, or the overused, "You became a real man, congratulations!" Canada's Supreme Court will not keep a sex predator behind bars for more than ten years. That's all the additional proof you need.

The hypocrisy was real, and it still is.

There was an incident where a little girl complained about a church elder touching her... No one believed her.

Later on in my teens, a teenage boy was falsely accused of sexual harassment, and everyone believed the lie (except his closest friends, whom told her to stop following them around).

Another church elder (and a Bible thumper), fondled my breasts out of spite - and my mother blamed me! The next time I've seen that elder, I've set her straight, but who the hell am I for talking? She's still the most respected because she knows every scripture passage, from Genesis to Revelation, and also knows every volume, word for word, from The Spirit of Prophecy. So she has no sin...

THE LIES!

I was nervous shaky the entire time.

So growing up Black, in a church community, as a girl (now a woman) had many catastrophes. I'm not crazy for putting this out there, just keeping it real. I'll be in church in approximately less than three hours from now, and if anyone cracks jokes or makes demeaning comments about R. Kelly's current and former victims, talking about how they're fast, and how they should've come forward... Nah, Hollywood gets away with sexual deviance against minors. A large percentage of them have bought R. Kelly's music, at music stores and on iTunes/Google Play Music. No surprise, huh? As much as I love my church family, I cannot accommodate the ignorance that's gone on for my whole life so far. *Sigh* This has blackened my heart, I just... I am at a loss, not only for R. Kelly's victims, but every child and youth who will be targeted by men and women who cannot be trusted.

I will always support Black Empowerment, Black Lives Matter and Black History... But I have zero tolerance for the enabling of pedophiles and rapists. Even the jokes. It's distasteful.

If you are a supporter/apologist of R. Kelly, Sparkle, Marques Houston, and any other person who'd used/subjected minors to assault and/or grooming, get off my page. And stop pretending to be a huge Aaliyah fan... We've lost her because the adults in her life had failed in exchange for her fame. We also owe Michael Jackson's family an apology for destroying his character and career under false allegations, while R. Kelly was still a free man, preying on girls and grooming boys to become like him... And all the evidence of his crimes were readily available on the archives while I was in Junior High. While we're at it, Kitti Jones and Drea Kelly need to take several seats. They've had every opportunity to approach the police. They've known what R. Kelly did to all those girls and how it's destroyed their youth. They are the poorest examples of how to put sex offenders in their place, just so they can get money now that #MeToo (who never gave a damn about half of your experiences, unless you were penetrated by a man)... Nuh-uh! The lives that were destroyed by rape, molestation, grooming and exploitation matter more than the money anyone might make from a case that should've been dealt with decades ago! My heart is very heavy throughout this post. I know it's Sabbath hours, but I'm currently listening to "Don't Stay" by Linkin Park, because it truly reflects my thoughts and memories, in the wake of #SurvivingRKelly.

Everyone (especially Black people) who put on R. Kelly during weddings and birthday celebrations, I've taken notes. You will not be trusted around my future children (if it's meant to be). I've never healed, yet. The community does not offer a safe space to heal from the damage that's been done. So when I hear about Chester Bennington (Linkin Park -I hope I spelled his name right), AJ and Nick (Backstreet Boys - their parents stood up for their sons), B2K (especially Raz-B), IMx, Sammy, O'Ryan, the victim of Brock Turner, a few victims of Bill Cosby and that actor from 7th Heaven, the young girl who was sexually assaulted and exploited by that loser who was granted a chance to finish up his studies at UofC (University of Calgary), Natasha McKenna who was stripped, dehumanized and tasered in her last moments by eight men, the former victims of Eddie Long who were forcibly silenced, the girl who was raped, hospitalized and raped again in the hospital by her father and brother... This is real ish. I have no more words. Leave my page if you support R. Kelly... Special shoutout to John Legend for keeping it real. Another special shoutout to Terry Crews who spoke up. To the victims of Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, you also need to get your voices heard, because you also matter. To the victims of Ryan Seacrest, the same also applies. May Corey Haim Rest in Power, because Charlie Sheen is getting his just reward for what he did decades ago. Although I'm glad B2K is reuniting for tour, I've been conflicted with how R. Kelly wrote your popular hits. That wasn't your fault, though. Your former manager (Chris Stokes - another pedophile) had that set up for your grooming - good thing y'all left TUG behind when you did. Other artists and notable faces in the entertainment industry - you don't have to comment, but I beseech you to STOP collaborating with R. Kelly. What he did to those girls is beyond me. If you keep enabling him, you're now guilty for proving that rape is okay.

It is not.💯