#and then i feel even guiltier for that because theyve stayed they care that means something
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another tag vent because ugh feelings
#my feelings are: a mess lately#i just want to feel wanted yaknow?#i dunno why but like i just always feel unwanted in some way#even if i know people want me around i still feel deep down that they really dont#maybe its the thought that theyd all be better without me#maybe its just that im socially anxious#but i just i can never trust that people want me#that they appreciate my presence genuinely#that if i wasnt there they would seek me out or theyd notice or theyd miss me#i just feel like no matter what im just a casual presence in peoples lives#im there im not there#it doesnt matter#it just? is?#and sometimes it makes me want to isolate cause that feeling gets so strong and intense that i want to have it proven wrong#but the worst thing is that usually me pulling away is a self fullfilling prophecy and i just ruin everything#and id hate myself even more and more and more#and even if i dont pull away fully and im just less present there is usually people who dont notice or care that im gone outwardly#and for some reason i can never focus on the people who stay? the people who care about me#and then i feel even guiltier for that because theyve stayed they care that means something#i dunno#cause even when i do feel wanted tho?#at some point they dont want me around anymore? and then its like my brain decides i was never loved wanted cared for in the first place#and i just hate that#im just so so so tired#i hate myself and i hate myself even more for hating myself#and i hate myself most for making other people deal with me because they deserve better#i wish i was better
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