#maybe its just that im socially anxious
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another tag vent because ugh feelings
#my feelings are: a mess lately#i just want to feel wanted yaknow?#i dunno why but like i just always feel unwanted in some way#even if i know people want me around i still feel deep down that they really dont#maybe its the thought that theyd all be better without me#maybe its just that im socially anxious#but i just i can never trust that people want me#that they appreciate my presence genuinely#that if i wasnt there they would seek me out or theyd notice or theyd miss me#i just feel like no matter what im just a casual presence in peoples lives#im there im not there#it doesnt matter#it just? is?#and sometimes it makes me want to isolate cause that feeling gets so strong and intense that i want to have it proven wrong#but the worst thing is that usually me pulling away is a self fullfilling prophecy and i just ruin everything#and id hate myself even more and more and more#and even if i dont pull away fully and im just less present there is usually people who dont notice or care that im gone outwardly#and for some reason i can never focus on the people who stay? the people who care about me#and then i feel even guiltier for that because theyve stayed they care that means something#i dunno#cause even when i do feel wanted tho?#at some point they dont want me around anymore? and then its like my brain decides i was never loved wanted cared for in the first place#and i just hate that#im just so so so tired#i hate myself and i hate myself even more for hating myself#and i hate myself most for making other people deal with me because they deserve better#i wish i was better
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heterogenia linguistico is so interesting...
#before i knew it i caught up X_X#being about language tho it feels like its especially important to get the translations accurate akndjccjdnd#if i could find physical copies id get them immediately esp since its like at 4 volumes still#but its also reminding me how little i remember of my linguistics degree AKAMNDNDNDNCMF#and our field methods unit....#which was super interesting but really impresses upon u the difficulty of learning (observing?) a language from the bottom up#also my socially anxious ass was not fond of the idea of field research erhsbscbd#which i understood to be necessary in pursuing a masters? so i didnt want to LOL#im looking at it now and that may not be true.... or it depends on the actual degree#in any case anything linguistics related will involve talking to people lmao so even tho based on my knowledge#it would make sense to pursue further linguistics...... i dont think i would actually be good at it career wise in any form#ok hang on ive just taken a look at an applied linguistics degree. there IS a capstone project#which would involve field work but maybe not to the extent i was imagining#in any case im not actually confident i remember enough from my undergrad 😭😭😭😭😭#holy shit i finished it like. 6 years ago......
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#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo#but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life#all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place#and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally#but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m#... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that#he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention#i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought#like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do#my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed#which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it#god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt#only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die#so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean#and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily#and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after#like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad#and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me#i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago#and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts#bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him#bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me#i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him#plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to
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i felt like drawing in MS Paint. some lore. kinda making like two separate lore things, one for just easily self inserting into other universes with the other being my absolute self indulgent stuff that may or may not be in detail later who knows.
#ukureticence#ichor's blessing#archangel dyrkethiel#dyrkethiel side a#the never ending daydream#side a used to be social but errr maybe you shouldn't of gotten the person who's destined for isolation attached to people#i actually have a few more doodles of them pre judgement#which is funny that im making more parallels between side a and side b which is actually oddly really fun to do?? like im having a blast#even though it started off originally just because i like them both being called Dyrkethiel WAYYY too much#im oddly really really anxious discussing this part of side a but i also wanna talk about it pff.#well its not odd i know why but like#overthinking it basically#either way uhhh fun to torture my ocs
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man its so hard to interact….
i be seeing my moots interact with others or others interacting with them… i wanna do it too.. but i feel like something is stopping me uauausuw 💔
#its like a mental block or smth… like yknow…#its not even about ‘oh im too scared/anxious to interact’ its literally i cannot like my mind does not allow me to do such thing#maybe thats why its so hard to be in active terms with everyone#its like a gen bad thing but im not too affected by like not being able to interact first#the part that affects me more is how like i can only stay in active terms with specific people bc they interact with me first…#like i wanna reach out to my other moots too but but WKKDKEJDJSJR#i wanna be good friends with them too yknow#not just be their silent moot that only likes and rb their awesome stuff#es in his misery hole#<- filter this#mayb socializing a lot isnt meant for me. but i really wanna do it i want like a wider social circle and enjoy myself more and such but#personally i dont know how to continue a convo or be a rather interesting person even if the mental blockage is gone
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why every time i log on tumblr i feel like everyone hates me secretly and hardly can interact because of this stupid feeling like something bad is going to happen or that i shouldn't try to interact with anyone since it's useless and everyone literally hates me with passion already and everything i do and say is wrong and bad and i shouldn't exist?... LIKE I SWEAR every time i'm online i feel just like that for no reason at all... maybe i shouldn't be here at all?.. i hate feeling this way since i barely get any hate and like.. its just the inner feeling and my brain
#delete later#olya's rambles#im so tired... why#i'm so anxious about interacting with more than five people on this website#yes i'm scared of what other people think constanstly so please#if you wanted to block me long time ago for any reason or no reason at all please do and if you hate me or just... dont like me i guess?#this is not directed at anyone btw i just feel this way about one of my coworkers on other social like i feel like they hate me with passio#they probably do#or maybe its just ocd i have no idea#is it weird to feel like that all the time?...#i hate this feeling#nonsims#tw vent
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*where* was *that one word* for when you have an attraction that ***replaces*** another one
like *this is the chair where the romantic attraction sits* ...aaaaaand alterous(/etc) is sitting in the chair.
not specifically that, but just the idea of "this is the spot where this type of attraction goes and another type (or possibly a mix of other types) is there instead"
#yall come tell me if i need to remove some tags ok?#aromantic#asexual#aplatonic#analterous#asensual#aqueerplatonic#aaesthetic#aspec#i KNOW i saw it somewhere#i usually dont post beyond reblogs but i cant find ANYTHING across several search engines#it all keeps coming up quoi or quasi or not at all which is NOT WHAT I NEED#yall please. i cant find it#im so anxious socially but its bothering me SO MUCH that im ACTUALLY TALKING FOR ONCE#this has been bugging me for like a couple of months now#described situation is not exactly the one im gonna use the prefix for i just need the framework to maybe coin some stuff#caps#capslock
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boo hoo sad pity party posting hours LMAO but I rlly truly don't think I will ever be in another relationship again. I don't feel that I will every b desirable or deserving enough, and I don't feel like I will ever even b seen as a guy n idk. I just don't know.
#mayave its imposter syndrome maybe its internalized transphobia but i dont think any gay man would ever date me bc i dont thibk any of them#would thibk of me as a man. idk. maybe this will change once i start like. PHYICALLY transitioning but i rlly feel like theres no hope 4 me#i feel like i will always be thought of as a woman for the rest of my life i feel like i will never pass as anything but a woman i feel like#i dont have any positive qualities i don't like a single thing abt myself i dont thibk im capable of loving someone im so distant w everyone#im so scared of phyically and emotional intimacy i feel like a burden i dont even know how to act like a man and i KNOW that thst isnt a#fucking thing i KNOW theres no right way of being a man i know that logically but still the fact that i grew up isolated from men and#that i rarely interact w them even to this day i have no male friends no male role models nothing im so scared im gonna like.#break social rules n shit which is RIDICULOUS bc once again there's no right way to b a guy or to preform masculinity and also im so early#in my transition no one even knows im a guy anways. but also im worri3d bc of thst no one will ever seen me as one unless i start conforming#to traditional masculinity and i dont know now to emulate it bc ivenonly ever seen it from afar i dont actually know what guys talk about#howbthey act around eachother what is socially acceptable or not i dont have a clue bc i dont ever interact w men and its like. fucking#stupid of me to even want to know bc it shouldn't matter to me BUT IT DOES and it makes me so anxious that i do not know how to emulate it#even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how bc i grew up in a fucking cult and i know so little men and i have terrible social skills n i#probably have autism which just. everything is compounded upon eachother n i feel like im going crazy i dont think ill ever be enough.#I hope i'm in a better mental place when i start t but even that im so fucking bad at doing things bc i have executive dysfunction that like#i havent even started tbe process or called thr clinic im just likem fucking spiraling. I hope my mindset becomes healthier once I start.#anwyss lol. do u guys like me? bc i feel like im unbearable n im trying not to be let me know if u do or not so i can try to cahnge ^.^#🪽
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being normal as a baseline is so funny after a whole life of having an anxious base bc now im like. wow i get anxious over so much stuff huh
#this maybe sounds like im still anxious all the time but its not#well it kind of is in that i just become anxious over lots of random or little things#vs until like four years ago i was just anxious all the time literally constantly so i didnt even register anxiety spikes#it was very bad 👍#ugh though real downside of wfh is ive eroded my tolerance to social anxiety again so its so much harder to just. go to a store or smth#anyway i cant sleep over a minor plumbing issue that i know is getting fixed tomorrow its just really funny to me#like huh. thats why im all nervy and jumpy...ok...weird thing to get hung up on but alright!
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...
#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be#like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now#maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy#im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when#im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck#but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak#thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just#wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive#been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work#my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes#and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over#the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and#talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place.#could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it#so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree#inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im#glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of#couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot#unrelated#its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment#and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i#dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it
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my mom doesn’t think im autistic and then i write shit like, “yeah i look for patterns in my life but for some reason socializing and people never fit? why cant i apply other knowledge to being a person with other people”
#and ik its not social anxiety bc this is *systematic*#im socially anxious because i genuinely do not know if what i say and do will be well received#idk How i ignored the judgement when i was a kid or remember really if there was any#i mean. like i know of some… and those things have been pretty much edited out of my personality#im slowly getting some of that back i think#unless this is a totally average thought and experience?#like. oh i realized that actually making small mistakes when playing music is not the end of the world#so then why does it feel a hell of a lot like social setting vibes can change at the drop of a pin#maybe it is just anxiety! maybe i am truly just scared of judgement#im definitely a perfectionist so it would make some amount of sense#but then like theres still the real true factual experiences ive had when i *knew* being myself would have been completely rejected#in spaces that are not predominantly queer/nuerodivergant#so i dont know if ive just grown accustom to like. infodumping and stimming as being super normal and almost expected#and that the ‘real world’ isnt like that#in which case i suppose it would be a learned thing#so who tf am i then#brb gonna have an existential crisis real quick#rambles#winter stfu
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u ever look at an autism post as an audher n be like "well shit that doesnt apply to me fuck what if im not autistic" bc same
#at least my therapist and psychologist are more openminded and understanding towards my self diagnosis#but i do still get imposter syndrome a lot bc its like im not the kind of autism#like noise is fucky but like i can get used to volume its more the complexity i can be in a loud room and b uncomfy but not meltdown#bc i adapt n stuff#or like my smell is on and off a lot of the times#or seeking physical affection even though touch can make me uncomfy#and ig the worst one for me is i kind of understand social cues n small talk n that makes me doubt a lot#i can engage in small talk ik the routine and ik what questions to ask based on what a person says#though maybe thats just script writing on the fly??? like the adhd part????#not to say i dont Struggle still (i hate silence after small talk it makes me so anxious n uncomfy)#but s not as hard n i feel like that somehow invalidates me as a possibly autistic person#or like i can do cognitive empathy rlly good!!!! logically i know Why people feel like they do i get the triggers n the reactions!!!!#emotional empathy though? FUCKKK THAT#unless i have experienced a very similar situation emotional empathy is almost impossible#idk maybe im overthinking bc like tbf i studied body language and read into it way to much in midde school#as well as psychology and emotionally distancing myself by viewing people as case studies and analyzing their behaviors#IDK#also if u read this far props 2 u man#the tags r jus a diary to me
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look how cute this outfit is
#th hair n shoes r both cc. and the eyes as well#i ended up deleting her bc she didnt fit with my Idea of the character but also ive completely flipflopped skull...#originally th person i made (jeanie) ws gonna be a highschooler but then i remember how Incredibly overwhelming highschool years is for me#like idk something abt it makes me so anxious. ithink its bc rh schools like.. So empty. yk#its weird. and the layouts weird af to me. it just makes me uncomfortable#and ikk that like. well 1 i dont have to go along 2 its like. they Cant pack the highschool with a normal amt of students it would#like. crash the game real bad real hard.but its scary why r there TWO classrooms and like 8 students in each.#also ik this is Also impossible but. man. i kinda wish we ciuld have different highschools for different locations....#TBVH. th only thing i rly like abt hsy is th clothes and even then only some of them. hehe.#i havent fucked around with boba shops or thrift stores yet thouygh...#but like i HATEEE socialbunny i hate it so bad#i rly rly rly wish they would like. Make up their minds on what the social media js#and obviously irl theres like. Multiple. duh#but having simstagram AND socialbunny and. i think theres another one. its so.#and every socialbunny post is so cringe 💀 theres lke NO subtance to socialbunny i dont get it at all. i hate it...#maybe with th influencer career.. they added that right idr. a little funny. no firemen? but we can be selling tummy tea? ok#UGHHH just like. idkidkidkk... sims 4 just. wellll im a hater lets say that#and it sucks bc i rly rly rly prefer the character creator + th buildbuy mode is Leagues easier rhan older games#obviously i have ISSUES with both . wood swatches 💀#like i undersrand why some ppl r glad abt the uhmm. create a style being gone#bc i understand it could get overwhelming for sure. but i think like. there could be a balance between swatches and create a style..#um anyways th baby update do we have any more info on that. i havent looked into it since the direct or whatever. im nervous but excited?#SRY FOR RAMBLING LOL#If u guys wanna see jeanie lmk ^-^ i think ill resrarther as a young adult + move in another sim i started making. and have them get#togerher bc i think theyd be cute..ok.
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its sooooo embarrassing for me hearing the coworker next to me's computer constantly ping with teams message notifications 😭 like theres no way they dont have a group chat without me but like also 1. is this high school did yall REALLY need to make a separate group chat to be silly without the weird girl 2. why cant being quiet and weird just be something you tolerate instead of excluding me bc of it like i dont understand am i being rude for being socially anxious like is it really THAT bad jesus
#i decided after last week when i finally sat at the lunch table and everyone was like deadly quiet that i was just going to give up#like i truly cannot tell if its in my head or if it happened unrelated to me being there and they ARE quiet sometimes#and i just dont notice bc im not there - idk#but i like physically cannot make myself join conversations happening next to me like i cant i KNOW im being annoying#my voice gets stuck in my throat. i wish they would just accurately interpret my weird avoidance as being socially anxious#and not as being rude and not wanting to be around them. and maybe they do and just dont care!!!!#but i feel like i need to be in social skills 101 and i got thrown into an advanced course#even my fiance said yeah thats rough you are all in a big room together constantly#and its not a small enough group that everyone has to be included#but its not a big enough group to have small factions that can be friends together either#and you all just constantly have to be together#like if HE can see why im anxious then you KNOW im fucked aldhalsja#i also still canNOT get over i 4 of us left to get on a golf cart and as soon as i hopped on the back#the girl that wouldve had to sit next to me literally went to get a different cart instead.......#like??? how do i NOT read that as not even wanting to be near me???#idk only 2 more weeks until i can just wander around the fair for 10 hours a day and not have to social anxiety sit on my chest. sigh.#op
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things have been scary n hard n a lot but i do feel good sometimes..theres good things too they might not seem like big things or as meaningful but it still matters n makes a difference! things might get scarier n harder etc overall n probs will at least sometimes.. even when it feels like things shld be easy theyre usually not but im trying ! n thats smth i suppose
#p#work was so bad today had to socialize w family which went ok but not ideal situation for me after#might see a friend tomorrow n walk my dog n thats makin me anxious for a few reasons but mostly cuz idk how to talk to my friends anymore#for reasons that arent even only just me being a freak#the next day im having cavities fixed n itll take hrs#i rly to set up a dr appointment n its been ages cuz even for a normal appointment its v stressful n scary n bad for me#for a variety of reasons but i also just fuckin hate it#n this is cuz i think there coulddd be smth more serious goin on that ive been trying to ignore n avoid bringing up#cuz what if it is actually smth#n i cant even go on abt that rn (tired) but ive been..thinkin abt it#aaaand i need to try n get an appointment w a psychiatrist so i can maybe get back on meds again cuz i think itd be a good idea#like i think on em i didnt think they made a big difference but i feel like im way worse now off em so#n i hope i dont have to go thru the regular dr abt that cuz i got my refills thru them but i guess ill be seein her anyway n overwhelmed!!!#oh n the friend thing is scary cuz my lil group is all broken up now n i feel like im choosing sides when i hang out w some of em now#which sucks so thats the main thing abt that. ok enough bye <3#idk what the original post not the tags even meant im tryin to be . positive! or smth jeez :/#dlt ltr !
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I'm going to struggle to sleep and get up tomorrow
Curse it all
#miranda talking shit#At one hand i liked the conversation i had with fabian and i think i got some answers to questions ive been wondering about but im also lik#Unpacking all this.... So much to unpacking and to be put in a folder in my head where does it all go... Still hate how#He hit me with the biggest ... Maybe in the universe and i can't deal with it. No I'd be relieved and accept an no fullstop but he had to#Add in the.... Idk actually lol i dont have a reference and i would like to know how it is crossing boundaries in our relationship#Whag the fuck man.... You really gave me the strongest 'i think youre into me and it worries me' and then nullify it with an 'idk how i#Feel sometimes id like to explore more' how am i supposed to... Handle that information... I had been going around telling myself#What he said to me 2019 is the way he still feels and me thinking he might think more is just me being paranoid but then yeah#What a clusterfuck. I mean to me it wont change anything in the broader picture no matter what i care for him ya know? But now thats... An#Whole other thing like. Should i try to act differently? Be more careful? Or would that be unfair bc then id do what he've been doing to me#I will quote him again 'miranda i think if both of us got an gf/bf at the same time this would solve itself' i joked and said he could find#Me one and I'll find one for him. But yeah i think that would ... Be a solution in an ideal world. Idk how to do anything man#At one hand i think he's overestimating how much he's on my mind but also its true. I spend a lot of my social time with him so obviously#I think about him? But i also have a reference on how i am... With people i have crushes on and who im in love with and how o think of thoe#Its just so scary to think about how i am his reference ... To... Well basically a ton of things... Im not a good reference unless you want#An abnormal reference. I guess im anxious I'll somehow ... Ruin him or something. This was a big conformation that i am his reference to#Women and close relationships with women and i am not made for that... Most feminine tjing about me is being sappy and giving compliments#And encouragement. Otherwise im basically like ... A dude. Guess it also scares me that he knows me. I know i know him but the fact its#Mutual is aw man... Being known is still a struggle. He wasmt completely wrong is his logic bc he knows me i think too much about people#And things. I understand im so anxious bc i care about him and im worried about losing him or pushinh him away but shit#Hes sleeping rn and is at peace with this probably. He doesn't dwell on it. He even said hes been thinking about this... Bc he began to#Think about what i could be thinking? So its not even his own thoughts but thoughts about whaf i could be thinking? ?? Whack and im likebro#Flattering that you go to that length but also... Literally what??? Cant tell if hes somehow projecting or if this is genuinely how he was#Thinking but damn. Boy does have some confidence at least? He's such an fool. I love him but holy shit he blows me away sometimes
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