#and i hate myself most for making other people deal with me because they deserve better

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

First, let me apologise for making people worry. I appreciate all those who reached out and I'm sorry that I couldn't get back to you all.

I have been through a very rough spiral. It was building for months, and I am still not fully okay.

For those who want context, it's under the cut.

I bought a house in May. It's expensive. I wasn't ready financially or in many ways for that step, but my partner convinced me. I told him as much but I was not heard. Alas, I have a mortgage, full time work, astudent loan, and an ongoing school program to contend with. It hasn't been easy and it caught up to me.

At the same time, a person who traumatised me and I have no way of fully extricating from my life, has moved closer. To keep the peace, I have to associate with him to a degree and he pretends that nothing ever happened. To him, it was nothing.

In June, I moved. It was hard and fast paced. I did most of the paperwork etc for the whole process and obv helped with the physical transition as well. I was responsible for deadlines and checklists for not just myself but my partner.

I was plugging holes in a sinking boat.

At the same time, I had obligations to my family. Every weekend if I wasn't dealing with the house and all that goes into it, I was running around to babysit or see family or whathave you.

In July, I pinched a nerve behind my tailbone. I missed a week of work bc my injury but it took longer for my to recover. I am still feeling it today. It was more than physical, but emotional.

I also got three periods that month. Hormonal can't begin to explain how fucked up I've been.

On top of all that, there are underlying issues associated with other trauma and discontent. I'm realising that I have been loyal and tolerant to the point of my own detriment.

I don't want to hurt people how I've been hurt, so I don't speak up. When people tell me something about myself, I let all the doubts planted in my mind from years of abuse convince me that they're right. I can admit my faults but often times I will think that proof of one flaw means everything about me is rotten.

People forget about me or just don't care. Both or either. They don't put the same effort in that I do. I find it hard to connect because years of disregard and neglect have told me that the other side just won't care.

But I'm not just hurt, I'm angry. I'm seeking therapy and trying to figure this out.

It all boiled over after my last post. Nothing I do is enough. For anyone. Not even when it's a hobby. I was frustrated bc the place I use for escape just made me feel like less than.

Obviously, I don't mean everyone or even the majority. I appreciate the discourse and fun and everything here! There are so many awesome people to interact with and I have missed you all, however, my headspace was bad. Very bad. I had thoughts I haven't dealt with in years.

I put my nose down and just went to work. I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I didn't wanna be in the world.

I did some reading, eventually some non-fandom writing, and sometimes, I just stayed alive.

I don't know if I'm really okay but I'm trying.

To those who have been so patient and supportive, you deserve everything. To those who are silent supporters, you do too. And even to those people who send me the most vile hate, you deserve to lift yourself out of the dark space you're stuck in. Hopefully, I can, too.

[personasintro]

hi, this is not really a question, but i thought you might want to know. i noticed that you have been getting a lot of hate lately, and i just wanted to tell you that i dont think you deserve any of it. yes, sometimes there’s a long time between chapters, but not a single chapter is dissapointing. i have read mh three or four times in the last year, and it has honestly sometimes been my only reason to get out of bed, or a relief when i got home from school. i have read some of your other stories, and just like mh, it never dissapoints. when mh got deleted from wattpad, i almost cried during math hahaha! i know it can be hard sometimes, but take the time you need. there is no need for you to do something that doesn’t bring you happiness or just makes you unhappy. a lot of people might be frustrated between chapters (myself included), but always remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. thank you so much for everything that you have given us!

also, for anyone considering writing anything even remotely hateful, please: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. please consider that this is just a person :)

It’s been happening for a long time now, probably a little bit after Mh was released which is why I get upset sometimes. My opinion is still the same, it doesn’t matter how long any story or individual chapters take, no author deserves hate and rude messages because of that. Even if the story wasn’t worth it. There’s no need for people to be assholes. That’s what I don’t get and that’s what pisses me off. Everyone keeps talking about how long it takes to update when in reality, it’s not a big deal at all. It’s annoying that it’s even discussed or becomes this huge topic and opportunity to be evil towards writers.

I know I used to be more active, but things change. And after all, another thing I don’t get is people make it seem as if I’m literally inactive for a year. I’m writing. Multiple stories. That’s what I do and that’s what I will do until I decide I don’t want to. And if anybody disagrees or disapproves, I don’t care. Don’t want anyone here like that. I’m writing stories for people who support me not just because I write stories they like, but as a human being :)

Thank you for this message! You meant well and I apologize for sharing my thoughts once again. I’m sure most of you have read this before but I just felt the need to write it again, for everyone who’s new here.

[alexthebordercollie]

Soooo I made thing. I will probably redraw this in the cannon style in the future. As for my own personal style for drawing GF stuff, I'm still fleshing it out. But I have another AU now. My Hand of God AU has Ford committing to Bill and spending years trapped in a very abusive relationship, also the apocalypse so that's fun. This one's the complete opposite direction. Ford and Fidds accidentally come into possession of a pair of twins, these boys end up being the motivation it took for Ford to cut things off with Bill and do whatever it takes to keep him from ever getting out.

(I've yet to flesh out exactly how these two were born but the boys were created through anomalous means.)

On the left is Nik (Nikola) An adrenalin junkie who loves adventure and is an absolute menace to society as is the Pines tradition. On the right is Newt (Newton), a pastel-loving soft boy who will cry if you tell him pink is a girl color and gets overly attached to every weird critter Ford brings home.

Nick is missing a pinkie because Bill cut it off while possessing Ford when he was a baby as a threat. Trying to scare Ford into compliance by threatening to kill the boys. Ford did some very unsafe brain surgery on himself to make it impossible for him to ever sleep again. Cutting off Bill's ability to control him for the most part.

Portal is gone, still living in Gravity Falls though, and keeping an eye out for anyone Bill might try to manipulate. Fidds and his wife are divorced. Emma has primary custody but Tate stays with them in GF during the summers where he often bullies Nik and Newt. But Nik and Newt don't tell their dads about it because they know how much Fidds loves his other son and they don't want to make things complicated for him. Tate is just taking out his frustration over his parents failed marriage on his half-siblings. Fidds takes the twins with him when he visits Tate and the rest of his family in California for Christmas. Ford stays behind because Emma hates him and he doesn't want to deal with her family.

Ford and Fidds aren't married both cause it's not legal yet but also tbh not sure they ever would regardless just cause Ford is pretty disinterested in those sorts of formalities. Whatever it is they have going for them right now works for him.

Heavy thoughts below the cut.

TBH I made myself sad thinking about autistic people and our relationships. The way we love isn't always obvious to NT people and it can sometimes feel like you're not good enough for anyone because loving people in the way you're expected to is such a struggle.

Sometimes I see people frame Ford^2 as this completely unrequited thing and it reminds me of the experience of loving people very intensely but feeling unable to prove it because it's so difficult to live up to the standards most people have in relationships.

I like Fiddlestan as a ship it's cute and a fun idea and I get the appeal but there's a little nagging thought in the back of my head that it kind of implies Ford's neurotypical brother is better. More capable of real love. That Ford was never good enough. Not to say Fiddleford didn't deserve better but the idea that these two couldn't have worked makes me kind of depressed for kind of personal reasons so I wanted to make up a universe where they do.

Not to say there isn't plenty of material of Ford and Fidds reconnecting as old men and making it work but the fact they lost so much of their lives to bad decisions is still sad.

[swashbucklery]

Out of curiosity why do you ship sabine and shin ?

Okay anon so I am trying to figure out how to approach this ask because I know that this fandom has a real problem with bad-faith actors looking to troll Wolfwren shippers and I do not have the patience to deal with that, but also I do want to talk about them because they're lovely.

So. If you are asking because you're a troll, the answer is that I'm a big mean lesbian who likes ruining Star Wars and gets off on making innocent fanboys cry, #sorrynotsorry, it's part of my Terrible Queer Ruining Agenda and I am going to be doing it every second Tuesday until society as you know it has crumbled into gay dust.

If you're not a troll: because they hit this very particular combination of Trope Buttons that makes me ever so happy, anon!

Because it's about - like, there are ships that I love because they are a type of loving partnership that entrances me, where I see myself or see the type of love that speaks to my soul and want to enjoy the process of rolling around in it like a cat in nip. Then there are ships that I love because I'm attached to a particular character where like - this blorbo deserves the world and that includes a healing love, a warm love, a love that cultivates a space for them to rest after the harsh world around them has bruised them ever so.

THEN there are ships where - the dynamic fascinates me and I want to dig deeper into it. Where it's not about cultivating love as much as it is taking what's on screen to its gayest and most extreme possible endpoint, and that's where Sabine/Shin really gets me.

It's about the deep obsession of nemeses and the way that can feel inherently queer. It's about the ways that they are both mirrors and opposites. The way that Sabine carries so much anger and self-loathing and shame and guilt in her little heart and constantly pretends that she doesn't. The way that limits her throughout the series is riveting to me.

It's the idea of Shin, who in may ways is a more successful Jedi but in other ways is a sad, lonely little weirdo who has no community except for this weird old man and pretends that she's fine with it but can't be.

The way that they are both successes and failures in ways that mirror each other, the way that they orbit each other as nemeses and fight constantly but in their darkest moments have a weird little glimmer of - not love, but the beginnings of compassion.

And I have seen lots of writers and artists who look at that glimmer and see it as the beginning of a 200k slowburn story where they bicker and argue and slowly tenderize each other into being people who can be vulnerable, who learn to soften their prickly edges to fit around each other. And that's wonderful, and that's a beautiful way to ship Sabine & Shin.

For me, it's more about digging into that weird, fucked up little place of what if they didn't. What if they stayed fucked up and didn't soften but those orbits got closer and closer together. What if it wasn't toweringly romantic what if the orbit was the path of a comet colliding with a moon. What if that was somehow what each of them needed even though they both hated needing it. What does it feel like to confront the fact that sometimes our desires and what we want our desires to be don't align? What would it be like to envelop that in the complex ten-dimensional web of denial that both of them embody; desiring but pretending not to desire, indulging but pretending not to indulge. How far could that go before it hit a crisis point? What would that crisis point be?

There are so many stories there and that's fascinating and a thing that I find fun to explore in fiction, anon. If that's not for you, that's totally alright but there might be other dimensions that I described above where they ping with your interests more.

Or, they might just not be for you, and that's also okay.

[thetriplets3]

hi i have a request 😁

a slow dancing in a parking lot vibe

❝𝐬𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞❞

warnings: swearing, shitty bf saying shitty things

shoutout to @emmssturniolo for editing go show her some love

matt and i have known each other for years before we started dating. he’s been there for all my shitty boyfriends who left me feeling like i wasn’t worthy of love and questioning if they loved me the way i loved them. matt knew all the cliché things i always wanted to do, but my exes refused saying i was embarrassing them.

i made my way through the dark parking lot, my head constantly checking around me to make sure no one was following me. i hate walking alone in the dark; it’s so much easier for things to hide i don’t feel safe. i make it Jake’s mom’s 2000 Toyota Echo and i can already hear the obnoxiously loud music playing on the radio. i know he knows i don’t like loud music or noise in small spaces, he chooses to do it anyway. opening my door and sitting in my seat, i cringe at the volume, reaching to turn the volume down to a bearable level.

“don’t touch the fucking volume” he snaps as he turns it back up.

slinking myself further into the seat, i roll my eyes at his behavior. the next song starts, and i can’t help but let a little gasp out.

“i love this song! let’s dance!” i suggest, excitement evident in my voice.

“stop with that shit; i’m not doing that with you; it’s embarrassing” he spits, turning the car engine on and driving out of the lot.

i’m used to it. it’s always the same thing every time i wanna do something “coupley” he refuses saying he won’t do it with me it’s embarrassing. i always had this idea of a fairytale relationship and this was far from it. i couldn’t deal with him anymore today; he was constantly shutting me down, dismissing me, or being snapping at me.

“can you drop me off at nick’s please?” i quietly ask, scared of his response

without a word, he turns onto the triplets street, stopping the car in front of their house. “get out” bitterness filling his voice. slamming the car door on my way out i storm up their driveway, filled with emotion. i turn around, raising both my arms in the air, and flip him off, finishing it with “fuck you jake” as loud as i can. the boys have always told me i don’t need to knock but i do except for today, i just needed to see someone who wasn’t jake. that someone was matt.

matt patiently listened to me rant about how shitty jake made me feel and ask what i did wrong.

matt knows me better than anyone. i feel stupid for not seeing it sooner; it would have saved me from a lot of heartbreaking relationships. on days i don’t feel well he stops what he’s doing to come be with me, stopping at the store to get my favorite things to cheer me up. whether a day is the worst day of my life, the best day of my life, or just a normal day, he’s there with my favorite flowers. knowing how much i love them he’ll find any excuse to get me them just to see the smile on my face. i never had to remind him of things; he knows me inside out; what music i listen to (he even has a playlist of all my favorite songs); he can sense when i’m getting overwhelmed and want to get away from whatever it is that we’re doing; he knows that i find his hand cradling my head during a hug to be grounding; he listens like actually listens; his eyes are so intently watching and hanging on to every word.

i always felt like i had to remind my exes to love me, but with matt he was the one reminding me i’m loved. he did everything no one else cared to do and he paid attention to things most people ignored. everything he does melts my heart because i’ve never been treated like this. like i deserve.

today was one of those days where everything just feels off and you can’t pinpoint why. facetiming matt in the morning, he seemed to have noticed i wasn’t my normal self. bringing it up in the most gentle way he suggested going for a drive.

“is everything okay sweetheart? you don’t need to explain, i just want to know if you’re okay. how about we go for a drive later tonight? clear your head. let me bare some of the weight from your shoulders” the love and tenderness in his voice is all the confirmation i’ll ever need.

sitting on the old wooden bench by the front door, i slip my socks and shoes on just as matt knocks on the door. opening the door i collapse into his arms before he takes my hand and walks me to his car. planting a soft kiss to the back of my hand before dropping it to open my door.

“my love” he says with a little bow, making me giggle.

our linked hands lie on the center console, matt’s thumb mindlessly rubbing the back of my hand. the smallest gestures make me feel so loved. tonight’s destination of choice was the empty parking lot of a frozen yogurt shop. our first date. our deep conversations are always my favorite, he’s so emotionally intelligent i love listening to him voice his thoughts, opinions, and advice. to lighten the mood after those deep talks he softly plays music. immediately i recognize the song, a smile toying at my lips.

“i-” my voice trails off, remembering what happened every time i mentioned a song and how some made me wanna dance.

“what? go on” he urges me to continue, turning his body in his seat to face me giving me his full attention.

another thing i love about matt is his patience. he knows i tend to bite my tongue when it comes to sharing my opinions because i was afraid of the response i’d get, so he encourages me to continue, in turn reassuring me that my thoughts and opinions are valid.

“i love this song it’s so beautiful” i say

without a word, matt gets out of the car and walks around the car, leaving me confused until my door opens and matt’s there with his hand out for me to grab hold of.

“may i have this dance, pretty girl?” he asks, letting a laugh slip through his serious façade.

“i’d love to” i whisper.

letting go of my hand for a second he reaches into the car and turns the volume up just loud enough for us to hear it. i smile to myself at his thoughtful gesture, making sure i was out of the car before turning the volume up. no one’s ever taken so much consideration to make sure i’m comfortable like he does.

my thoughts are interrupted by matt circling his arms around my waist, instantly my hands finding their home at the nape of his neck and in his hand. pulling me closer to him, i rest my head on his shoulder, the smell of his cologne bringing me even more comfort. our bodies sway to the music enjoying this moment.

matt gently pushes my body away from his and raises our joined hands, ready to twirl me. it wasn’t the most graceful twirl ever, filled with giggles at my lack of dancing skills. as i turn back to face matt i let go of his hand and wrap both my hands at the nape of his neck mindlessly playing with his hair. our eyes are locked on each other, having a conversation of their own. with watery eyes and a big smile, i’ve never felt so loved. he has done everything and more than anyone else has and he never lets me forget how much he loves me.

matt rests his forehead against mine, eyes starting into mine. softly, he whispers the lyrics to me, never breaking eye contact

❝𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞❞

a few tears escape my eyes. this isn’t his type of music at all yet he’s made the effort to listen to it and remember the words knowing how much i love this song. no one will ever love me more than matt, he’s it for me, he’s all i’ve ever needed.

“i love you thank you for showing me what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. i can’t wait for a lifetime of being loved by you” i gush.

“loving you was never something i had to think about; it’s just natural. how can anyone look at you and not see that you deserve every star in the universe? you shine so brightly that i can’t believe people made you feel like you should hide that light. you are worthy of love and i’m happy i get to be the one to show you. i love you sweet girl. i’ll love you for a lifetime and every one after that. you’re the sun to me” he confesses, placing a loving tender kiss on my lips.

taglist: @antisocialties @iluvmatt @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans @opheliaofficial07 @angelcake-222 @oneirophobic @strniolo @lollibumblebee @ssturniolo @20nugs @abbie13sworld

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji has helped me in so many ways. I will forever be grateful for the creation of this character. He quite literally means the world to me right now.

(TW: ED/Depression/Suicide attempt mention)

I've always struggled with food. Well, not always. But at the end of middle school (more or less. Give or take. Age 12/13) I became obsessed with what I ate. I still don't know exactly how it started, but I think it has always been a mix of my need to control my life when it's crumbling down and the necessity to look skinny (both things are my mother's fault, mostly. And also lots of things going on at the moment). So I started skipping meals constantly and throwing away food and throwing up. Not gonna get into details, but it ruined my life without anybody knowing until a huge depressive episode came and then I tried to off myself, yadda yadda yadda. Then I just stopped eating food and my meals every day were basically a monster and gum and maybe a piece of fruit. I couldn't even drink milk without crying. Then it got a bit better. Then a bit worse. It wasn't very consistent. And then I started doing exercise but that only made me even more obsessed with calorie intake and healthy food and I still can't drink milk or bread without at least feeling awful about it.

And then I watched One Piece.

I know it sounds extremely silly and dumb, but it has helped me in so many ways. I'm not gonna get into all the things it has done for me, because then I'd have to talk about Robin, Nami, Luffy, Pudding and Buggy which are, like, the characters that have helped me the most next to Sanji, and I would not finish this post.

But Sanji is just so, so important to me.

He speaks about food with such passion. His whole thing about not wasting food literally comes from an experience of starvation and because of the sacrifice his father made for him. He keeps saying he refuses to let people go hungry, no matter what. That we all deserve to eat. He relates food to love and cooking is his whole life. It kind of started as a joke when my brother said "nooo, now you can't waste food because Sanji would be sad" and I- That day I literally ate wayyy more than usual with that thought in mind. And I didn't feel bad afterward for once. And he's just- He just makes me feel so comfortable around food. Which is the normal amount of comfort somebody should have and sometimes it's not even that, but it helps. It helps so much.

Then his whole thing with Germa and the Vinsmokes. It killed me. My relationship with my mother is, uh, you can call it complicated but I fucking hate her so. Yeah. And Sanji's story about rejecting his blood relatives and finding better people who will love him hit so close to home. Him being different. Weak. More emotional. A good person. Sanji refusing to use the name Vinsmoke. It's my whole life. Sanji self-sabotaging himself all the time and constantly sacrificing himself, too? I just can't do it, man, he means the world to me. And then Wano happens and he turns out to have the same body as his siblings but he's still himself. He's still Sanji no matter how much in common he has with the Vinsmokes. And as somebody who's constantly dealing with people telling them that they look like their mom? I fucking love it. I know I look like her and I even act like her sometimes but that doesn't mean I am her. And it doesn't mean she deserves to be part of my family, because she isn't and I can't wait to get rid of her in my life.

It's not only food and family, though. Sanji has helped me accept myself in so many ways too. In the way I perceive others and in the way I act. He has helped me eat. He has helped me realize you don't have to consider your blood relatives family if you don't love them. He has helped me see that my kindness is a strength and not a weak spot.

Not to mention that his whole thing with gender and sexuality, how the fandom portrays him, and how I personally write him has been of so much help in understanding myself. I recently discovered I was a lesbian, and also being genderfluid I just- I just love Sanji so much I be projecting my gender issues and internalized stuff with comphet on him. And let me tell you, it helps.

This whole thing is just something short and sweet I wanted to say because media affects people. In the best of ways. One Piece in general has saved my life in many ways, but Sanji in particular is still helping me every day.

[drewsbuzzcut]

Stars Around Your Scars

nick moldenhauer x dallas blankenburg

a so it goes blurb

warnings: mentions serious hockey related injuries (blade cutting through skin), talks about scars, fear, insecurities, and hesitation. Reading about Nick’s face injury had me going through so many emotions, because I can’t imagine what it’d feel like to actually go through it. Also, this isn’t me trying to romanticize injuries; I just wanted to write something for those who may still be affected by life changing/ traumatic events in their life. They deserve to be empathized with.

Dallas is laid out on her bed, Nick by her side as they’re buried under her fuzzy blanket. They’re facing each other, Nick’s hand under her big shirt, rubbing her skin all while Dallas tangles her fingers in his soft hair. They’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’re still getting to know each other. Which is why Nick is finally opening up about his hockey incident.

She was quick to notice his scar when they first met, but never brought it up. She wasn’t sure if it was a sensitive subject. When they started dating, she grew more curious, but decided to wait until he brought it up.

“I feel like I’m being dramatic,” Nick warns his girlfriend.

“No, you’re not dramatic. You went through something traumatic, and if you’re willing to share that story with me, I’ll listen and I will never judge you about your feelings or thoughts,” she whispers as this moment is one of the most intimate between the couple.

“I don’t really remember feeling the blade cut through my skin, but the pain after the shock wore off was something I’ve never felt before. It wasn’t just physical pain either. I knew recovery time would take me away from hockey for a while. I also wasn’t sure if I’d even recover and still be able to play. The waiting was just absolutely daunting,” Nick speaks softly, afraid his voice might display just how affected he is by his incident, even now.

“How did you feel when you were told that you’d be okay?”

“Relieved. I was relieved that I’d make a full recovery. For most people it might seem irrelevant, but my second thought was hockey. I wanted to get back on the ice. I was so scared that I’d never be able to play again.”

“I’m so sorry you went through something like that. I can’t imagine how scared you must’ve been. How scared your parents were,” Dallas adds in, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.

“I hate talking about it. It was a hard time for me, you know? I was thinking about hockey just about every second, but then I had to talk myself into being okay if I couldn’t play again. Do you think I’m overreacting? I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have been thinking about hockey so much, because in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal. All that really mattered was if I would survive.”

“You’re not overreacting. You had a visceral reaction. There’s nothing wrong with that. You love hockey; I think it’s only natural to go through the emotions that you went through,” the girl assured him, pulling his body closer to his as if they weren’t already as close as possible. She places his hand over her heart, so that he has something soothing to focus on.

“Sometimes I’m still wary about being on the ice. I’m worried about taking another blade to the face. I don’t want another scar, even though scars in hockey are inevitable. I don’t know. I guess sometimes it can make me feel insecure,” he further explains.

“You’re still handsome. As for you being worried about another incident like that, it’s only natural. Just because you’re back to playing hockey and feel comfortable on the ice, doesn’t mean that it won’t linger in the back of your mind.”

Dallas caresses the side of his face, letting her thumb glide over the raised skin of his scar. She watches the way his eyes close at the feeling. She sees his breath get shaky, so she lays gentle kisses along the scar.

“Thank you for trusting me and telling me this story. I’m here for you always, Nicky,” she expresses her appreciation through a few more kisses, feeling content when they bring a smile to his face.

“Thanks for listening.”

Dallas just nods her head, pulling him on top of her body. Her heartbeat races when he immediately cuddles into her, his face hiding in her neck and their legs tangling together. She’d do anything to protect him and make him feel loved.

a/n: If any of you are struggling with something (or not) and want to talk, my inbox and messages are always open.

[pseudowho]

hi haitch 😩 i love ur work and kinda look up to you as a person bc your tenacity and fierce protectiveness over people you love/people in need. i wish i had more people in my life like that :( bc i suffer from really bad anxiety. sometimes i think it’s not so bad but then (like last night) im laying in my room and suddenly i can’t breathe n the walls are closing in n im bawling my eyes out. im scared to be on my own in college and idk how to deal w this esp when its hard for me to ask for help

Firstly, and most importantly, your own ability to act as an agent of change is greater than you believe.

When you're stunk in the anxious, self-loathing spiral of feeling convinced that you're powerless, or thinking that your improved well-being relies 100% on who you have around you, you do yourself a disservice.

How far have you gotten with identifying the triggers for your anxiety? I know that's hard when it's generalised anxiety, but hear me out; I'm sure you have that constant background anxiety, and then spikes of heightened anxiety, right? What sets off the spikes and panic attacks (as it sounds like you have them)?

Have you approached doctors for help? If so, have they been useful? Have you tried anything in the way of cognitive behavioural therapies (there are loads of free apps and courses)? Have you stopped hating yourself for long enough to realise that you deserve to be helped? And that this isn't just how you are, and you can find a way out?

This is all visceral to hear, I know. But hear me out. Identifying the pathological thought patterns that anxiety shoves onto you, and looking at them objectively, can be quite freeing.

Write down what you notice when you're anxious; "self loathing", "claustrophobia", "perceived inability to interact with others". Stick it somewhere private, then when you're ready and feeling your strongest, stand back and look at it. Identify your symptoms as symptoms, and not personality traits. Because anxiety symptoms are not your personality, and that helps in knowing that it's fixable, and not just 'who you are'.

Being on your own does not always need to equate to being lonely. I think being on your own can feel like an enormous burden, if you believe that others around you are a reliable tool for easing your anxiety...but if I know anything of suffering it myself, and caring for so many who have suffered it, the true core of anxiety is within.

You need to build the self-care the infrastructure, before you can invite workers to the site.

Quite honestly, I believe you can do this. The ability to overcome anxiety and panic attacks can be in your hands. And this isn't in some toxic positivity, privileged or naive way. As in, it genuinely is. Being able to see my own anxiety in this way has been life-changing.

You can want your life to be better and make that happen.

You're at college...have you found any societies? Any hallmates or housemates? Anyone at all? People are kinder than you think. Reach out.

But, you are in charge. That's a good thing-- imagine your life being in the hands of unreliable others? No. Better off in yours.

You can do it, baby. Promise.

Love, always,

-- Haitch xxx

[gemmahale]

So I've temporarily paused my queue. It's just me, shouting into the void again. (The queue will maybe come back - there's some 800 some odd posts in there.) Just as an FYI.

I've been stuck in my head since...my work trip last weekend? Which, tbf, 12 hours of windshield time and a day of interacting with people is a fair bit.

(I'm cutting this because y'all don't need my yapping, but I need it off my chest. Go get some water or a beverage of choice instead.)

TW: mental health discussion. I am safe, I am not going to do anything brash.

But Monday I came back to an email from my boss - apparently two clients had stopped in to speak with him because I hadn't answered their calls (all are within the last two-ish weeks, maybe more?).

A huge part of my job is that timely client call-back. And one place that I consistently struggle in. We've had this discussion going on for 6+ mo now on how critical this call-back part is. The whole thing of what we do is timely, scientifically backed information.

I'm shit at calling back. I hate doing it. I hate troubleshooting people's plant problems. It just seems so...inconsequential. People are stressing about a dead spot in their yard (that's probably over watered and over fertilized and a sterile environment) and it's just...get some perspective, y'know?

I don't know. I love this job. I love the impact I could have. Get me talking about how people deserve healthy ecosystems and food access and such and I'm going a mile a minute.

But I'm paralyzed when it comes to solving these stupid "inconsequential" problems.

I have a newsletter I've been talking about sending out since FEBURARY. It's now AUGUST. It's unsent. I just hit a wall every time I sit down to set it up.

Same thing with the volunteer program I manage. The workshops I'm working on. All of it. Wall against wall against wall and I'm scrolling tumblr for the 43rd time that day.

And I don't know what to do. I'm scared. That's what it is. I'm Scared I'll give bad information and something will get killed and it'll be my fault.

(yes that's capital S scared.)

I don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow in our meeting. I know I'm on thin ice. I'm going into my 3rd year of this. I shouldn't be struggling like this. My RSD is so fuckin' bad that it's locking me up and shutting me down.

Part of me wants to be fired. Just "this isn't a good fit" and out the door. Proof that I'm not cut out for this job. Because all I have succeeded in doing is failing my colleagues, my peers and the clientele that I interact with.

I'm self-sabotaging myself and I don't know how to not to.

I love the opportunities this job has. But I'm terrified of failure to the point of breakdown. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that, right?

It's imposter syndrome, self-sabotage, other terms I've forgotten. having a name for it doesn't help any - just reinforces that I'm doing it to myself. And that's what hurts the most.

I haven't told anyone I'm struggling. It's hard to reach out. Kallen's been dealing with nightmares and job bullshit and high pain days (and his listening is problem solving/therapist-ing, which isn't what I want or need). My friends are all bogged down with their lives - unemployment, moving, divorces, childcare, and I'm not going to burden them with this gunk.

The irony to this is that I just told a friend to lean on me - because that's what friends do when they're in tight spots. Lean on each other, support each other.

But really it just means: Justify that I'm worth being here/being friends with me by making me useful to you.

God I wish I didn't have all this brain goop. I wish I could just scoop it out and poke at it under a microscope and dissect what happened to make me like this.

Gemma find a therapist. <- Whole different conversation. There's a dearth of mental health providers out here. I quit looking in 2021 when I called 5 places and they all said they were not taking on more clients and the one I tried we didn't vibe with each other. Fuck being a (mostly closeted) queer woman in small-town America.

[yesmissnyx]

Hi, I hope it's okay to DM. I'm looking for advice while getting into the kink lifestyle/self-realization.

I'm struggling to deal with internalized shame. It's the same old struggle, I'm guessing.

Figured out I'm bi and very, very kinky late last year, kind of all at once. Suddenly liking guys as well was easier to deal with. Realizing I'm into BDSM, hypno, crossdressing, and most of the kinks on your pinned list was... hard.

Some days, I can fully feel okay, and others I feel smothered in shame and depression, like I'm not supposed to want these things. I feel like I'm intruding into a space that I don't have the right to be in.

My question is, how do you recommend new kinksters/subs/etc deal with the question and internalized shame. Or specifically feeling positive about their kinks and the changes that happen as you realize them.

Sorry for a bit of a rant, and thanks in advance if you're willing to give me some advice.

Hey there! Sorry for the SUPER late advice! I hope you're feeling better in the meantime, but if not, I can do my best to offer you 1. some advice and 2. some words of encouragement.

First of all, HELL YEAH. Welcome to the Bisexual Kinkster Club--a club you now belong to because you are kinky and bisexual! Kink rocks! Being bisexual rocks! I am giving you a welcome basket myself.

(The lube tastes like strawberries.)

That being said though, I'm so sorry you're dealing with internalized shame around all of this :( Shame is a very personal thing and can be tricky to deal with, ESPECIALLY when parts of society are telling you the thing you like is wrong, just because they find it disgusting.

But...first of all, disgust-based morality ain't it, chief. It's a one-way ticket to being a miserable, hateful person with Main Character Syndrome and an easy target for fascism. Don't give into it! Don't listen to people who value their own disgust above the needs and happiness of others!

As long as what you are doing is not infringing on the personal rights of others, you deserve to do the things that make you happy. Full fucking stop. (And, newsflash, doing something that just happens to disgust someone is NOT infringing on their personal rights.)

Now, this might be controversial, but I'm going to let you in on a big realization that I had some time in my early 20s: shame is, in my humble opinion, a useless emotion to feel for any duration of time.

It makes you do things you don't want to do. It keeps you from doing things you DO want to do. It lies to you. It eats you alive.

More importantly, though, it's JUST an emotion, and like all emotions, its only job is to try to tell you something. Feeling emotions doesn't make you a good OR a bad person!

Of course, I'm not just telling you "lol just stop feeling things" because that's, like...not possible or healthy. BUT! You are not obligated to feel any emotion that you don't want to feel.

You might, however, want to interrogate the shame, because even if you aren't going to listen to its wishes (right???), it's worth understanding what it's trying to tell you.

So! What is the shame afraid of? What does it want to protect you from? What does it want you to do? Is what it wants you to do in line with your own goals and desires?

If you aren't in alignment with your shame, which I assume you aren't, then you can tell it that.

"I appreciate that you're trying to keep me safe, but I have no reason to be ashamed of the things I like, and I'm not going to let you stop me from enjoying them."

This might sound silly, but once you can speak frankly with your difficult emotions, it gets WAY easier to work through them. Viewing them as parts of yourself that just want to keep you safe is way easier than just dealing with nebulous shame, anger, anxiety, etc.!

And then, there's also the chance that it might be telling you something useful, once you start asking questions.

For example, if the shame is afraid that your friends might judge you, maybe you need to rethink how you navigate your friendships. If it's worried you might be going about a kink all wrong and you'll make a fool of yourself, do some research. If you're overwhelmed by the intensity of a new kink, explore it at your own pace and listen to your feelings about it with curiosity instead of judgment.

Remember: Action TOWARD a goal (in this case, pleasure and fulfillment) is always preferable to an action that AVOIDS negative feelings.

Enthusiasm and self-love are a better motivator than fear and shame. You deserve to be the best, happiest, more joyful version of yourself, and if that includes being a kinky crossdressing hypnotized bisexual, then so be it :)

Hopefully this all makes sense! And hopefully this helps you and others who might be in a similar boat.

Good luck on your journey and happy pride 🌈🏳‍🌈

(Also, please know that I'm always open to give advice. Ask me things. Let me live my know-it-all dreams 😜)

[rubyvroom]

Rules for When You Have a Cool Manager

As someone who has been described as “one of the good ones” I feel obligated to share this with you. 

Your Manager Is Not Your Friend. For a multitude of reasons. Even if you like them. Even if they like you. This is not a balanced relationship. This is a professional relationship that can be based in trust and respect but it can never have the give and take of a friendship while one of you has hiring and firing power over the other. 

Your Manager is Not Your Friend Part 2. I have people working under me who have been through some shit. What they probably don’t know is that I have been through some of the same shit myself. They don’t know this because I don’t tell them about my personal life. I don’t tell them about my mental illness, I don’t tell them about family issues or money struggles or health problems. I do not share these things at work. It’s not my role as the manager to put my issues on my team. I’m there to support them. 

Your Manager Is (Probably) Not The Ultimate Power In Your Workplace. It’s great if your manager has your back. But even your manager has a boss and we all have HR to deal with. And what most people don’t understand is, a lot of times your manager’s input into what you get paid is real, real limited. Often the company dictates what each role should be paid, and when you can promote, and what kind of raises you can give. If someone asks me explicitly for a raise most of the time I simply can’t do anything about it, because it’s not up to me. It sounds like bullshit when I say I have to take it back to Senior Management, but it’s the truth. 

Do Not Abuse Your Manager’s Goodwill. This is the big one, and the one that is hardest for me to explain to my own team.  I’m gonna be real honest here. I will let you get away with a lot. I will take excuses I know are bullshit. I will try to get you the holiday bonuses and the cash awards and the perks because let’s face it, the company can afford it and I don’t give a shit about the shareholders. I think we all deserve to get paid more. I don’t care if you show up at work at 9am and work the exact complete 8 hours a day as long as you are getting your work done and doing a good job. BUT I can’t tell people this shit, and not just because I don’t want to get in trouble. There’s always the one person who’s gonna ruin it for everyone else. They’ll take my willingness to avert my eyes once in awhile and use it for shenanigans. They’ll push it to the point where they aren’t doing the work and just as importantly, to the point where they get caught and then I have to crack down on everyone else and I hate doing that! I give people a break because I care about the people on my team, but I’m not stupid and I’m not a sucker. Don’t push your luck.  

Don’t Tell Your Manager Incriminating Shit. Come on, man. Don’t do it.

Do Tell Your Manager When You’re Struggling. Sometimes I can do something to make things easier. I can reduce your workload, I can give you better resources to do your job, I can go yell at somebody if they’re being a dick to you. What I can’t do is read minds. So if you get to the point where you’re ready to resign and I had no idea you were having trouble, who’s fault is that? I know people don’t want to make themselves look bad in front of the boss, but the fact is that everyone goes through hard times, everyone has personal problems sometimes, and everyone can burn out. We can adjust, make some changes, and things can be better. But only if you tell me.

[mariesjordans]

Oh yeah I had this idea where Marie and Jordan were Internet friends - with one key difference: they don't reveal that they're supes. It just felt like giving the other a reason to hate them.

Then they meet at God u and underneath the animosity there's this familiarity that nags at them.

Hxjsjdhdks

I know this isn't a drabble idea but sjsksbsj

Comfort Zone

(1.2k words) i’m rusty hope you like

There was something about them, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Like she’d met them in a past life or an old friend you knew once as a child.

What they said replayed in her head all day. Despite how they got under her skin, she couldn’t let it go.

“All progress takes place outside the comfort zone”

3 days earlier

J: [I think you’re overthinking]

Jordan had never thought themself to be the motivational type but there was something about this girl. They wanted the best for her and they’d ensure she knew she deserved it.

They felt like they knew her entirely but not at all at the same time. The girl wouldn’t even give them her first name under the excuse that “the mystery is what keeps their friendship alive”.

Friendship…. the old Jordan would kick himself right now because of course they managed to fall for a girl through a screen.

Jordan’s thoughts were interrupted by the ping on their phone, they rolled over and unlocked it.

M: [I’m not overthinking, it’s a new school. New people, new everything it’s… nerve wracking to say the least]

Jordan smiles waiting for the girl to finish rambling, knowing they were due a few more text bubbles before they can successfully calm her down.

M: [I mean i’m not like antisocial but at the same time I can’t see myself just walking up to somebody and us hitting it off and your silence is really starting to freak me out!]

J: [I wanted to let you have your moment before pulling you back to reality, you know where the rest of us live]

M: [I’m glad you can find entertainment admist my turmoil]

J: [I can find amusement during your dramatics yes]

M: [I will block you]

J: [You’ve had a year and a half to block me, good luck living without me]

M: [Thumbs down]

Jordan smiles a bit to herself, continuing.

J: [Look the way I see it, all progress takes place outside the comfort zone. A quote I live by]

M : [That was not helpful and I know you just googled that]

J : [Listen i’m free tomorrow and i’ll have my phone on hand so you can talk to me whenever, it’ll also make you look super busy deal?]

M: [Deal]

Present

“She hasn’t even told you her name and you’re talking like she’s the one, excuse me if I’m a bit concerned.” Luke kicked his feet up on the desk in front of him to immediately be knocked off by Jordan.

“I didn’t say she’s the one I just said I wouldn’t mind if I knew someone like her in real life, and respect the desk man.”

“You’ve been checking your phone all day waiting to be her knight in shining armor.” Cate pipes up from the couch across the office.

“No one asked you! And as for you- “ Jordan cuts eyes at Luke. “Why do I even bother telling you anything alone if you’re just gonna relay the information to barbie”.

“Play nice Jordan.” Andre walks in and Jordan sinks into their chair because yes of course all three of them teaming up against him as usual.

“Yeah be nice Jordan.” Cate stuck her tongue out to make a point met with Jordan rolling her eyes.

“I’m still trying to figure out why you invited that freshman to come out with us don’t you have enough on your plate.” Jordan pointed between Cate and Luke.

“I know this comes as a shocker to you my friend but some of us are capable of friendship with other beings without intentions of jumping in their pants.”

“What are you trying to insinuate here!” Jordan knew exactly where this was going but didn’t have the care to stop it.

“What he’s saying is maybe we do wish your dream girl was real and present cause that’s the most committed any of us have seen you in all 3 years of knowing you.” Cate teases as she grabs her things. “Anyways it’s getting around that time, we need to go get ready.”

“Oh is that what you’re doing, getting ready?”

Cate makes a point to flip Jordan off as Luke trails after her followed by Andre blowing kisses and shutting the door.

Jordan rests his eyes for a moment, a moment that didn’t last long seeing as they jumped at their phone the minute it pinged.

M: [Day is going decent so far, I got invited to hang out with this guy. One of the people he hangs with seems like a total douche though. I can probably get around it.]

J: [I like this change of spirit on you, I’d be careful though you just met this guy. Define “hang out”.]

Jordan cringed knowing they sounded like a jealous boyfriend, but hoping it went over her head.

M: [He seems laid back, plus I think I can take him. I guess we’re going to some club.]

J: [Weird.]

M: [Don’t make me second guess myself what happened to the inspirational you I was getting this morning!]

J: [No that’s not what I meant, I mean we kind of have the same plans tonight.]

A bit too similar.

M: [ Awesome, well I’ll hit you for a drunk texting session later and tell you all about it.]

J: [You wanna get drunk with these guys first night out???]

M: [I’m KIDDING, you can put the guns down superman I got this]

J: [Superman doesn’t use guns.]

That night

“Staring daggers at her all night isn’t gonna magically make her explode Jordan”

Cate nudged them as they eyed the new girl at the bar with Luke, “Marie” excessively giggling at something they knew couldn’t have been that funny.

“Don’t they seem a bit too comfortable to you.”

“Oh no you’re not gonna turn this on me, and you’re especially not gonna turn me on that girl, she’s adorable!”

“I agree!” Andre plopped down on the couch next to Jordan, the music was loud but Andre was still yelling a lot louder than need be.

“I just don’t understand where you guys got this random urge to let this girl into our circle 3 years into this friendship.”

Cate shared a look with Andre before they both bursted into giggles.

“Somebody sounds possessive! Maybe we should make the bed up for four instead tonight.” Jordan cringed and pushed Andre away from them.

“You guys aren’t funny i’m being serious.”

“We know that’s the sad part.” Jordan looked at the bar as Marie tried to help Luke balance their round of shots on a slim tray.

“Give her a chance.” Jordan opened their mouth to protest but Cate quickly cut them off “Give. her. a. chance. Promise me!”

Jordan remained silent.

“Promise me Jordan!”

“Fine!”

-

“Not a fan of dancing?” Jordan once again mentally kicking themself trying to make small talk.

Marie stared forward at Andre pulling out some of his most ridiculous moves as Luke and Cate encouraged his antics, stopping only to look at Jordan-bewildered.

“Wow he says more than 2 words and is capable of different facial expressions outside a death glare, color me shocked.”

Jordan felt their irritation rise and fall reminding themself of the promise they made Cate.

“I’m….. sorry.”

Marie took them in for a second, his eyes genuine.

“I know I just kind of showed up and barged my way in but I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I promise.”

“Well, all progress takes place outside-“

“-the comfort zone.” Marie eyed them for a second.

Then it hit her….. it should be impossible but….. it was…. it was them.

Totally down to continue this btw if anyone wants. I’m writing requests rn but I have more for this one I wanna do. Also I proofread a few times but sorry for any spelling errors.

[somenerdfromwhatever]

Nex didn't deserve to die.

Warning: This is a massive rant that deals with heavy topics. It's long, it's blunt, but I want to share this because quite frankly, it's sickening and I want to use my platform for good.

On February 19th 2024, I heard something that really drove me and others up a wall:

Nex was brutally murdered by 3 female bullies in their school all because they are human. With no help from their own school system to save them, it's no surprise why they deserve the criticism for their inaction.

Now why did I say, because "they are human" instead of "they are non-binary"? I'm not denying they are non-binary, as a non-binary myself it is disturbing to hear such awful news. I am not ignoring this critical information. They are valid.

Truth is, I want to highlight their HUMANITY because the LGBT community are humans like you.

I never met Nex personally, but I feel a deep connection with them as a fellow non-binary person. I know what it's like to face bullying, harassment, and discrimination for being who I am. Even before I came out as non-binary, growing up with autism, I know the pain. Middle School was a pain for me because of it, it led me to hate myself. I know what it's like to live in fear and pain, to struggle with self-acceptance and self-love. I'm happy that their family accepted them for who they are and I feel sorry for their loss as well. This shouldn't have happened.

The more I think about this, the worse it gets. If Nex was not non-binary, if they were just another student that day, how would the public react? Everyone would be outraged and demand justice! But because Nex was non-binary, I have seen a lot of people, a lot of DISGUSTING people, say that they deserved it and that they were NOT HUMAN. In fact, that is why I hooked y'all's attention by saying that they are murdered because "they are human". I want to make this clear: Regardless of gender identity, Nex's inherent humanity is first and foremost.

As I see those countless comments pile up minute after minute, hour after hour... all I can mutter is "why?"

How can anyone promote and celebrate a death of another human being for just being themselves? How can anyone love to deny the humanity of others because they expressed their souls for who they are? How can anyone celebrate deaths of others who love the same gender, who become trans, or non-binary? Even after everything is set and stone, literally how?

And if these "people" who hate them do believe in some god or religion, why would they be hypocrites to their own god? Didn't their god say "Love thy neighbor", and "Don't bear false witness"? How can they claim to follow their faith, when they violate its most basic principles? I have a dad who practices religion sometimes but not a lot, I told him about this and the hypocritical nature of some of these people. The best way he worded it is this: "they can't claim to love god if they bastardize their teachings. God will roll their eyes and send them straight to hell."

Is this what humanity is now? Celebrating the death of innocents who their "crime" is living their best life?

There is no political two-sided debate on this issue. In fact, THERE NEVER WAS.

We are human, just like everyone else. We are human, and we matter.

And if I can for a moment, I notice a common theme here when it comes to these horrendous acts:

For a lot of these people that hate the LGBT community but love freedoms like free speech, it is pretty telling how much these people care about themselves and not practicing what the constitution preaches. It's hilarious yet baffling. Remember the book bans? They love to say it's to protect the kids but their ulterior motives prove otherwise. They targeted government public libraries all across the country claiming that books who celebrate being different are a "cancer". It wouldn't be surprising if they cheered for KOSA, a sweeping censorship law masquerading as child protection, but in reality, aimed at tightening control over Americans like myself to limit our expression. They want to censor and silence our stories, our voices, our experiences. They want to erase and deny our existence, our diversity, our humanity. They want to ban books that feature stories that say it's ok to be different. They want to forbid us from wearing clothes that express our gender identity or challenge gender stereotypes, even if they are harmless and comfortable. They are afraid of "drag", which is just fabric and makeup, which is hilarious how they managed to get so worked up on that.

Even more hilarious is the fact that they "claim" to hate China, Russia, and other authoritarian countries for their censorship, but they are damn eager to emulate it here in the "land of the free". Passing laws that blatantly violate our rights and our constitution every day. How do they not see the irony? It's pretty god damn telling right? Almost as if their version of "freedom" is not free for the people, but free for themselves. Freedom of expression is not selective, it is universal. If you respect the right of others to have different political views, you should also respect the right of others to have different identities.

"Land of the free" am I right? By expressing these statements, you really are no different from the countries you claim to hate.

This world is a cruel place, and the people that are cruel are the most pathetic people of all. Especially those that:

Be afraid of people using rooms with toilets all because they are different.

Be hateful and violent towards people who are different from them.

Be ignorant and arrogant about the diversity and complexity of human nature.

Be offended over people wearing fabric and clothing that is different from the norm that promotes their expression.

I’m not taking this post down. Say what you want on what I think, but we tried explaining this to you many times, the facts are all there clear as day and clear as crystal.

We are human.

Rest in Peace Nex. May justice come to those that wronged you.

[nerves-nebula]

Emotional neglect/abuse is so tricky cause what do you even say. My parents never said they loved me? That’s not true. They hit me? Also not necessarily true. They didn’t care about our education or future? They probably cared more about me getting into college than any other part of my life. They wanted me to succeed, they would brag about our achievements and my mom loved posting online whenever one of us got accepted to a college or got a scholarship.

It’s easier to talk about the physical stuff. show pictures of the conditions we lived in, tell stories about how my mom never gave us medicine when we were in pain, or how she let our brother terrorize and abuse us. How I would starve myself all day because I couldn’t stomach anything, and she’d just glare and get annoyed when I mentioned that I hadn’t eaten.

It’s easier to explain what’s wrong there.

It’s harder to explain that she used to kiss us goodnight, and tuck us in, and sing to us, and that none of that was enough. How do I explain that what hurts even more is that she did say she loved me, it just wasn’t true. She probably thinks she loves me. And what an awful kid I am, to not believe her when she says it.

But I’ve trusted her before, I’ve trusted her over and over thinking “surely this time she’ll see how serious I’m being. This time she won’t laugh, or say it’s stupid, or just something I should get over. She’s insisting that I tell her, so she won’t laugh this time. She can’t. She wants to know what’s wrong. This time it’ll be serious enough. This time.”

The most succinct way I can put it is that she loves her child. The idea of someone who is her kid. Not me, though, never me. Never a real person.

I think I was 12 when I figured it out. I figured out what love meant to me, and respect was key. Without it, any stalker on the street or abusive husband could claim that their love was the real deal, and I didn’t want that. Of course that made me realize that I couldn’t give my parents a pass on this one. They didn’t love me, they loved me in their own screwed up ways sure, but if I validated that as real love then a stalker or possessive boyfriends love would be just as valid. It hurt, and I was small, but it didn’t hurt that much worse than anything else and I was already in pain.

How do I explain that she went through all the motions a good parent should, that she hugged me when I cried about how I’d wanted to kill myself (forced me to hug her, wouldn’t let me go until I hugged her, I still remember trying to pull away three times before giving up- something about that is biblical I think. I still remember feeling like an animal was dying on its way down my throat, halfway lodged in my chest, when I realized the hug was about her and not me. It was about her feeling better, giving herself closure. Making herself feel like a better mom. “You knew I wanted to kill myself? and you never did anything?” “What was I supposed to do, you were always in your room.” I still hate being touched. Hugs are difficult, no matter how much I want them.)

It takes an essay to explain it. My parents are ghosts to me. Ghosts that text me nonsense every now and then and ask for updates. I give them the bits and pieces they’re asking for, because I can’t bring myself to be as cruel to them as they were to me.

meeting them face to face make me sweat. I shut down. I feel tired immediately. (aren’t you always tired?) I’m not safe with them (ok, but you’re not safe anywhere) I can’t rely on them. They will lash out if they don’t get what they want. They’ll twist anything they can. They’ll shout and badger and laugh and mock.

They’re the ones who told me not to be stupid, because if I’m stupid then I deserve whatever happens to me. They’re the ones who fueled my agoraphobia (everyone will kill you given the chance, if only you could stop being so strange) and blame me for never leaving the house.

I buried any idea of them being there for me, being people I could rely on, when I was 13. because I knew they would kill me if I didn’t.

My parents are ghosts who text me, or monsters using the faces of my dead protectors to torment me, or two very dysfunctional very disappointing people who should never have gotten married or had kids.

God I wish parents were real.

[casanovawrites]

random sentence prompts  ━ from various tv shows, part 8

it’s hard to figure out where you fit in. 

it’s not so easy for me to make friends. i’m not cool like you.

you’re making it really hard for me to be mad at you right now.

it was my fault. i made a mess of it.

something dreadful is about to happen.

high school is the best your life was ever going to get.

you’re gonna leave here thinking that you need to worry about me, but you’re wrong.

we did so much fucked up shit out there. and yeah, maybe it was to survive. maybe. but i don’t think we deserved to.

if you’re done crying, i can tell you some stories.

you sound like you’re about to snap someone in half with that tongue of yours. 

what are you saying, i’m not innocent?

i don’t want to be something you have to learn to live with.

you know me. i don’t always listen.

you are my ghost story.

i know you don’t think you’re strong enough, but that’s not true.

it’s family. there’s always an explosion. 

someone like you, you seem serious. i’m not sure i’m ready for serious.

understand that i love you, but i will not be waiting up for you.

i spent a long time feeling like i wasn’t enough, and i don’t want to do that anymore.

what about you and me against the world? you and me in the world.

you think i’m lonely?

your job is cooler than mine.

stop smiling, i’m kicking your ass.

i’m chasing ghosts. long story.

you’re itching for a fight.

your neck, it’s bleeding.

there’s “packing away” and there’s “throwing away.”

this is what i get for disobeying your orders.

do you wanna die? answer me. do you wanna die?

you can’t put all your feelings in a box.

we’re actually back on the same side.

if what matters to you most is how other people see you, then you haven’t learned a damn thing.

you think pain is weakness?

why are you worried about a lack of trauma?

we're finally hot, at least according to me.

with them, it’s always two steps forward, then get stabbed in the back.

i crack myself open for 50 minutes, walk out feeling like i was hit by a bus.

i kissed someone. or, they kissed me.

i don’t want to keep on making the same mistakes.

you’re family. it’s what we do. we look out for each other.

are you going to come back?

i don’t have anywhere else to go. you made sure of that.

you were worth the wait.

i guess now i know all your secrets. 

don’t make it weird. i love you.

i’d hate for things to get messy again.

talk about your dumb luck.

it doesn’t matter. you always come first.

why is it your job to take those risks?

i’m saying, i love you. and i want you to quit. 

it was a big deal to me. you saved my life.

the truth is worth everything.

don’t settle for being half of anything. go out there and do something that allows you to be 100% you.

people go away. i don’t want to miss anyone else.

people go away. and it’s sad and it hurts. but you know, not everyone goes away forever. sometimes they come back.

i know what it’s like to be stuck inside the worst part of your life.

no offense, but you’re never the one getting left behind. you’re the one who leaves.

now it’s time for me to figure out who i am without you.

you are like, out of control. 

you know i’m really in love with you, right?

if today can be a good day, maybe tomorrow can, too. 

i already feel like a fool. i don’t need the rest of the world to know the joke.

everyone wants to save the world, they just disagree on how.

i wonder if anyone survived.

i’m not usually the “take it easy” type.

do you ever want something good to happen? a really good thing?

there are no answers here.

your type is losers.

one nightmare isn’t necessarily a reason for concern.

that’s not why i came. i’m only here for you, in case you needed me.

i have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you.

you're so hot when you talk shit like that.

it’s all a goddamn prison anyway.

you want a natural disaster? look no further than my life.

i haven’t felt it in years, and it feels wonderful. but it also feels fucking terrifying.

if i’m repressing things i don’t know about, i’m very okay with never figuring it out.

you should be ashamed.

i love you. and as long as i know you feel the same, i can say it enough for the both of us.

i feel a lot of things when i’m with you. happy, safe, a million other things that i can’t explain right now. but i do feel all of that for you.

i’m not pushing anyone away. i’m taking steps back.

home isn’t a place, it’s a people.

all you’ve got out there is your instincts.

love me anyway.

i don’t think good things are gonna happen to me anymore.

sometimes the hardest part is going home by yourself, being alone with all that quiet.

if it’s meant to be, they’ll find their way home.

no one gets under their daughter’s skin like a mom.

i’m not ashamed. i’m glad i’m alive, just like you are.

you’re a good person. you really don’t belong in this place.

life isn’t a science experiment. you can’t control your world forever.

do you ever get tired of winning? or being the fucking worst?

you two together, you are unstoppable.

so who’s gonna die today? you? or me?

hey, you’re back. are you back…?

i know you’re afraid of people leaving you.

i’m afraid that i’m never going to feel normal again.

[fictive-culture]

i just need. to ramble about my system for a moment. sorry that this is so long. god i love them

so. i was a Villain in my source. like, irredeemable killer kind of guy. I participated in what was essentially a fantasy genocide. I was a soldier, and i was PROUD of myself. I killed a princess of the people I was trying to wipe out; as a result I got my memories wiped and was placed in some sort of death game.

In my own, noncanon memories of source, I was also a system. There were only two of us, but we HATED each other. He hated how I hurt people and felt no remorse. I hated how weak he was. Eventually, our fighting came to a head when we returned home one day to find our entire village on fire. We never found our parents. I blamed him for leaving in the first place, for not being able to protect everyone. For 15 years, I forced him into dormancy. He only re-emerged once our memories were wiped.

When my sourcemates and I got introjected it was DIRECTLY before what we kind of consider my "turning point" as a character- when my memories flooded back and I killed one of my best friends in cold blood. Because he was One Of Them, and i couldn't be friends with One Of Them. Most of the time when people get introjected into this system we still live out our source lives for a bit inside headspace until someone has the energy to explain to us where we are and what's going on. I very nearly went through with killing that friend here in this system- they had to physically hold me back in headspace. My alter, the nice one, got his own form in headspace and used his own body to shield that friend. I wanted to hurt BOTH of them.

For several weeks I was kind of placed under constant watch by the local gatekeeper (a fictive of a protector god). But.... they weren't horribly mean to me? They were prickly, yes, but.. well, I wasn't there for it, but a long time ago our system had a whole deal with a gang of persecutors trying to harm the rest of the system- everyone managed to just slowly talk them down and reach an understanding, and since then we've had this philosophy that NOBODY in this system deserves to be hated, or locked away, or hurt, no matter how much they're hurting others. We can always figure something out- hurting them will only make them want to hurt us more. Compassion is the strongest route to change, at least here. They applied that to me- they wouldn't force me to befriend anyone, and wouldn't expect me to be especially nice, but I wasn't allowed to hurt anyone. And in turn, nobody was allowed to hurt me. They protected me from the others just as much as vice versa, since... none of my sourcemates in the system were particularly happy with what I'd done.

I don't even really understand how it happened at this point. I can kind of barely remember it all (for reasons outside of the system). But slowly, over time, my sourcemates started to warm up to me? They started allowing me to be near my previous alter, now turned brother I suppose. Neither of us liked it much, but we didn't hurt each other. And when I started feeling emotions other than anger and hatred for possibly the first time in over a decade, they... were all there for me?

The sister of the princess I killed was also in the system. She was furious with me about it- she even joined that source death game willingly just so she could kill me in there. But she got her memory wiped too, so she never got the chance. If I had succeeded in killing my friend, she would've been my next target. In the system, she straight up hated me, refused to be around me. I still didn't feel bad about anything I'd done or intended to do. We fought. A Lot. Over time, everyone else in the system tried to show me the people I was trying to wipe out were, well, people, and I slowly started to see why I was wrong. And then all of it hit me at once. Oh god, I nearly killed one of the few people who truly believed in me, someone who loved me and I had loved him back before I remembered who i was, and I had killed so many people in the past and laughed about it, and i had killed this woman's sister and then taunted her about it, and oh fuck what is wrong with me. And... I don't even know why. I think it was because she literally could not get anyone else in front. But she had to be there for me as it all came crashing down on me, and she... kind of stopped hating me. She had to hold me as I cried. And she just... did. She could've left me alone in front to deal with that on my own, but she didn't. I was TERRIFIED of her all of a sudden, believing everything she had wanted to do to me was right and justified and I think I even tried to convince her to go through with hurting me while none of the gatekeepers were looking. She refused. She understood why the gatekeepers were so insistent on keeping the peace, and right there she could see evidence of it working. She said I gave her hope that people can change. I think that scared me even more.

One of my sourcemates trusted me almost the entire time we were in that death game- in my canon finale she finally came up to me and said No, she's done believing in me, she's done helping me, she probably hates me now because of everything I've done. She left me to die, and honestly? I don't blame her. In the system, she was terrified of me. She would start to panic every time she was near me. Sometimes I tried to make it worse. But one day I was in front, starting to panic because I was frontstuck for a doctor's appointment I had no memory of what for. And... she was the one who comforted me. She was the one who helped me back out of front. She was also terrified the entire time, but when I seemed to make it clear I wasn't going to lash out, she settled right in to help. She hated our source- hated how everyone was constantly arguing, hated how many betrayals and backstabbings there were. When we introjected me and all my sourcemates, pretty much everyone else realised there's no reason to fight or distrust each other here and everyone became friends pretty quickly. She was ecstatic about that- she still is. She was kind of sad that I was the only one being excluded. She was determined to help me have that, too.

My alter turned brother really really wanted to attack me for nearly killing our best friend. He was actually the one everyone had to hold back from hurting me the most. And... he was also the first person to believe in me in this system. He thought, since we were a system in source, despite us being so different the things that were a part of him were also a part of me. If he had the capacity to be violent, I had the capacity to be kind. He was the first to try to convince the others to be kinder to me. Eventually I realised the amount of damage I'd done to him forcing him into dormancy all those years. He still believed he wasn't any older than twenty, to a point where in source when people called him old he would actually get scared and confused. He still presents that young in headspace. I'd call us twins if it weren't for that, it's just I'm in my mid-30s and he never even got to experience adulthood. I'm kind of glad that our body here is only just starting our twenties. It's like he gets a second chance. He was the main one trying to show me that the people i hated were in fact people. He's the closest now to our best friend I nearly killed. That friend started to be okay with me as soon as my brother did, he trusted my brother's judgement completely. Both of them were so nice to me. I felt like I didn't deserve it for what I'd done not only in source, but my entrance to the system as well. They tried their hardest to convince me otherwise.

I still feel like I don't deserve any of this kindness, don't fully understand why this has all happened. I still keep going on about how I don't even know if I've really changed, can I really change at all- they remind me that I'm so afraid to hurt anyone now that i won't even pick up a weapon now for like... any reason. That seems like change. I'm protective of them. I actually feel guilt, something I never did before. That seems like change. All of my sourcemates have warmed up to me now, all of us are friends. I love them. I protect them where I can, and in turn they protect me. I've learned how to cry again. I've learned how to laugh again. The first time they saw me genuinely smile here everyone cheered, it was so ridiculous but so sweet. Recently we watched through a playthrough of god of war ragnarok, and that kind of hit me close to home, but then everybody told me specifically to watch the valhalla dlc and it kind of broke me. They all want so badly to prove to me that I have changed and I do deserve this kindness now. I love them so much. I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. I'm so glad they were all so damn determined to help me change. Now I do the same for others in the system who are similar to how I used to be. I don't think I can express enough how much they all mean to me. I have a family now, when I was so convinced that after losing my parents I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I feel their love and care around me like a blanket all the time now. I'm never, ever letting that go.

I really, really love this system.

.