#and then i get a headache. and cant sleep either i keep thinking abt it when im just lying there and then im wide awake going through

[xiaoluclair]

.

[blackvail22]

9/24/23 — 1:10am

theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him

also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different

the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore

if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.

i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.

on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....

im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too

oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room

oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol

anyways i like this song

6:06am —

dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.

bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry

i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long

11:17pm

been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it

i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep

[princeanxious]

:) so. No one ordered it, but, I have an Logan Angst(w/ hurt/comfort to balance it out a little) au idea to deliver!

So you know those AU fics w/ Virgil where he hides smth unusual abt himself( Like wings, Spider limbs, Being unusually tall, ect.) Bc he’s afraid of what the others will think/do if they find out?

Take that and apply it to Logan, But he’s actually been hiding it ever since (AU)!Thomas became Obsessed with Marine Biology as a kid!(i genuinely cant remember what Thomas's real life degree was gonna be b4 he switched to YouTube but for the au's sake im going with marine biologist)

What’s he hiding, you ask? Fish scales, of course!

(Continued under the cut)

Logan used to wear long sleeves all the time, and Sherlock bit with the scarf was a cover up for when he used to wear it constantly when they were younger, not that Virgil(who has spider traits in this but never thought to hide them b4 he was accepted, and by that point there was no reason to) nor any of the other dark sides with animal traits knew about it either, but his body, especially his legs and hips, were covered in shimmery sapphire blue scales, and in patches around the gills on his neck and ribs.

Why doesn't Logan wear long sleeves now? Because the scales suddenly stopped reappearing (coincidentally right around the time Thomas gave up on marine biology to do youtube) on his arms the few times they'd accidentally been pulled off some how, be it bumps/scrapes or eventually Logan getting fed up w/ the illogicalness of it all and 'removing' the rest on his arms so that he could finally wear short sleeves and not raise more questions about his health.

The scales around the gills on his neck are more tragic, as they do regrow still, to keep his gills safe. He plucks them as close to the gills as possible, before wearing masking makeup & a high collar with a tie to ensure his gills never peak out from his shirt.

It limits his normal comfortable way of breathing, but hes been doing it so long that he doesnt remember what it feels like, and thus isn't bothered by it anymore, as his gills dont open up fully anymore unless submerged under water for a long period of time.

Why is he so insistant about thomas drinking the healthy recommended amount of water? Because if Logan didn’t, he'd suffer migraines and get sick from being dehydrated in easily less than half the time it'd take for Thomas or any of the others to reach

Why doesnt he ever go swimming with the others? Because if he did, there's no gaurantee his body would let him leave the water after refusing to so much as even soak in a bathtub for years at this point

Hell, his body might even go into shock at that point.

No idea how his reveal would go, but the idea of the others spraying him with water spray bottles when he is over-dry and resultingly irritable has been brought up as an additional idea by @this-is-ske(my lovely frien who lets me info dumb abt all my aus so we can shout abt them together) and my only thought is that Logan is spiteful and petty enough to snatch a spray bottle and spray them right back.

He often needs to spray himself with water, even if he’d had a shower not two hours ago, because his scales dry out very quickly and its sensory hell in combination with even the softest of dress pants.

But the years of neglect slowly turned his shimmery sapphire blue scales into dulled greyblue, as a result from being dried out and flakey and unhealthy for so long.

He tries not to think about it too hard when he's forced to look at them.

Remus wouldn’t hesitate to toss post-reveal(and post-recovery)! Logan full out into a fucking pool, or just hop into one and drag him in with. "Dry Fishies are irritated fishies, be like me! Get wet and feel better!" *Cue Remus eye brow waggle that reflects to the rest of his tentacle arms*

No but srsly remus and janus finding iut and going "oh HELL no" bc janus knows what its like to not take care of your scales properly and Remus knows what its like to dry out.

Imagine the additional angst when Janus finds out not only about the scales but the gills on his ribs and neck too, and feels SUPREMELY guilty bc of the crook yank he did

"Its fine, its not like I could breath out of them anymore, they just bruised a bit longer" *even more concerned and upset Janus noises*

"What do you mean you cant breath out of them anymore!"

" ..One day they just wouldn't open? Sort of like the equivalent of a stuffed nose, except that they never reopened because they'd fully dried out, I think."

"I swear to god Logan I wish I could strangle you," *cue Janus wapping Logan w/ a rolled up paper, Edna Mode style, lecturing* "One day! You'll understand! Self care! Is good! For you!"

Cue them finally bullying Logan into taking care of them but no longer hiding the scales as the ones on his arms start coming back, but still greyblue, bc at this point Logan doesnt even want to deal with the immediate headache of them learning right off the bat that they Shouldnt Look Like That. He doesnt even really believe that they'll ever change back to their once brilliant blue, thinking it just a fluke with their age or something.

It takes months.

And then one day he wakes up, having been sleeping in the imagination with Remus, having indulged in underwater sleeping as a healing therapy, made better only by the fact that Remus is a rly good cuddler, and his tentacles keep them both locked together in the water, *and* one anchors them so they don't drift away in their sleep.

Remus is staring at him, his chest to be exact, where new patches of scales had been growing to meet in the middle around the gills on his ribs. He looks down and notices theres an uneven patch of brilliant blue peaking out from the sea of comparably grey scales. Then he notes that multiple patches of scales are slowly regaining their hue. It doesn't take long for the others to put two and two together about sick fish with dull scales. It confirms Logan had been sick for Years, and was only Just healing to a beginning state of equilibrium.

For some comfort w/ all this angst, when Logan does see his blue scales for the first time? He smiles, he smiles so wide at Remus. Remus probably falls in love with the way Logan's gills flare out prettily in time with Logan's smile. Logans finally convinced to take care of himself, and the first glimpse of progress has him Beaming for Days.

[darkicedragon]

darkicedragon M21 making eye contact with kentas while he downs a coffee Kentas just like <QAQ> 'Youre drinking poison??' aZure XDDD M does that to establish dominance XD esp when Muzaka has werewolves over for a visit "Sir, your pup is drinking poison." "Ah, yes, he does that."

darkicedragon 'why is he drinking poison???' 'bc he thinks its funny. and its bc youre talkin to me abt him, rather than talkin to him' ^-^ '...........ah' not that m21 actually wants them to talk to him but hes still pissed they talk over him aZure and that some of them still look at him funny bc he's hooman and experiment and all that darkicedragon he can see them go >^< sometimes bc they can smell it aZure M on the couch like =^= eating choco nibs darkicedragon kentas wants to sit next to him but the smell of the choco is so strong (but also m21 is so strong for having that 😍 ) aZure the werewolves being like 'he is human' 'he also very much kicked my ass last week >w>' darkicedragon 'so kentas said youre strong' 'thats what he says' 'so i want to see how strong you are. lets spar.' 'no. fuck off' 'so we'll go - WHAT??' 'i said. no. fuck off. i dont want to fucking spar with you' 'you dont just decline a spar!!' 'i just did 'kentas just like OHO oop aZure =-= >:3c "you don't look strong enough to spar with me" darkicedragon >8E 'and how would you know if you dont spar with me?' 'easily. i dont need to spar to know how youll fight' meanwhile frankensteins brought some popcorn for the others and just watching with amusement. kentas is too distracted to eat it aZure XDDD "What exactly does that mean?" >8V "You'll fight like a blockhead. Nor worth the effort" darkicedragon 'if you cant even understand this conversation, theres no point us sparring' ococo I wonder what happen if M smooches with kentas or if Franken smooches with Muzaka after having coffee Would they go X_X darkicedragon wouldnt get near them in the first place is already xnx from the smell ococo Ahahaahahha XD "He is so strong, you better not go near him" darkicedragon frankenstein like 'is that why you nap so much - bc you cant have coffee' though they can prob tolerate the smell at least, bc if is the office au, the office would just be filled with coffee smell, haha ococo XD Or it might gives them headaches Muzaka doesn't like being in the office cause the whole day his head would be throbbing darkicedragon awwww frankenstein just slamming the expressos back before muzaka can smell too much of it, pfft muzaka insisting the windows are kept open like qwq 'pls. its so strong...' ococo Awwww darkicedragon another reason why muzaka likes encouraging frankenstein to leave work on time and dont stay too late. XD bc then frankenstein will sleep more and be less likely to have coffee the next morning, ahahaha ococo XD I imagine Muzaka waking earlier in the day, making Franknestien breakfast And hands him a cup of tea darkicedragon frankenstein really appreciates it when muzaka does make him coffee, bc muzaka knows he either slept late, badly, or theres going to be Some Shit Meetings during the day, ahha ococo "They say its healthier to have tea in the morning instead of coffee" Franken looking at him in amusement "oh, really who are *they?" "Ummm people, and movies!" ococo That is Tooooo QwQ He makes it even though the smell of it cause him headaches darkicedragon frankenstein has to make sure he stores the coffee in a separate place from the tea, or else muzaka just goes x-x even from opening the cupboard door, pfft ococo They learned this the hard way XD Muzaka dropped on the floor one day in the morning cause he opened it that cupboard darkicedragon '.......ah, thats where i keep the extra strength coffee, yes' ococo A way to vanquish werewolves, attack them with coffee bombs XD aZure make a lil bit of coffee and put it in a spray bottle XD

[transrightsjimin]

went to the lifestyle coach (who basically only knows abt food lol) w my autism coach and the appointment went better than awful, i guess, nd apparently what the lifestyle coach is trying to sell me is not the keto diet but ‘guidelines‘ or ‘advice‘ that’s similar to keto but which i dont need to follow completely and instead make my own. but jfc what else do i make of a ‘low carb, high natural fat‘ food advice thats intended for diabetes type 2 and ‘obese‘ people??

i do absolutely need to make some changes in how i eat, e.g. eat more regularly, choose for a regular lunch instead of snacks, etc but the whole booklet w do‘s and don’ts that she gave me is just *everything i at least somewhat like to eat is a don’t* *every hipster food that’s with grains and seeds or too sour or just. fucking raw vegetables is a do*

i just want to cry, i got referred to her bc im dealing w nausea and extreme thirst and stomach problems from what i suspect is stress, but instead she wants me to work towards cutting bread and rice and such from what i eat. why is all the fucking disgusting hip food and drinks all in the ‘less carbs, good‘ section BLERGH

at least my autism coach did agree w me that the lifestyle coach doesnt know how to deal w autistic ppl, like dropping these awkward dead silences while giving me these weird 8) smirks, offering me to take part in a workshop on how to sleep better despite the course not having exact set dates yet nd not being made for autistic ppl. the lifestyle coach also said she felt attacked by my autism coach when being politely asked to be more concise w me bc im autistic and need more clarity and structure, nd my autism guide was rly confused abt the sudden offense. like my “lifestyle” coach truly reminds me of an overly emotional, floaty high school art teacher who is never clear abt what she means and talks in metaphors nd gets angry when you want her to get to the point.

im just tired, like, i think all i truly need in the end is cognitive behavioural therapy to deal w anxieties, but psychologists / specialists / doctors that ive spoken to so far in the past like, 6 years, all have disregarded my discussions of it.  i never know how to explain it, like to one of my former psychologists i mentioned that i wanted to talk more abt anxiety, i used the word ‘angsten‘ , which is the word for anxiety i guess? though it’s never used like that and it means fears, but otherwise i’d have to make it ‘angststoornis‘ or anxiety disorder, which seems like such a heavy word when undiagnosed and all my psychologists have been so against diagnosing.

but either way, it’s all reduced to this discussion of ‘stress‘ but ive had CBT only very briefly before that psychologist moved away again and i havent worked much on trying to improve my thought patterns. i srsly believe my body has been acting up so badly over the past few years due to stress but i dont know what to do abt it. like idk how to get rid of stress / anxiety when it’s occupying all of my thoughts for most of my life up to the point where i wouldnt even know where to begin, like it’s just so.. in everything. back when i still had therapy we would focus on only 1 or 2 things at a time and eventually i had to fill in these lists w thoughts and counterthoughts etc but they were all just extra homework so i got more stressed and forgot to keep doing it just like school homework. like i just rly dont know how to get rid of stress!! i have headaches and nausea and stress 24/7 and i cant fucking enjoy shit bc of it. idk if i want to get into therapy again and get stuck in the whole process of getting through so many therapists bc they all have to leave after a few months bc of contracts ending or pregnancy or internship and they all have different techniques which often come down to more homework that i cant keep up w.

im just so fucking done and yet i need more help and idk if i can get that from this floaty, vague “lifestyle“ coach who just assumes all my physical problems from the past few years are bc i eat bread every day and takeaway once a week. i want to fucking puke just looking at the alternative foods she recommends. i hate cooking and i dont care abt eating, i dont want to make this even harder for myself by having to eat disgusting things.