#and then lucas being the actual sensible one of the group

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

i say like lucas didn't literally try to break into a government building in season 1

[stevieschrodinger]

Part Four - Baker Steve/Rock Star Eddie wrong number AU - Final chapter/complete

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

The kids are quiet in the back.

There ended up being ten of them. Once Steve realized that eight people would not fit in his car, he talked to Nancy. Nancy sighed out of her nose the way she does, but Steve already knew she was going to say yes, especially with Mike ready to literally throw himself at her feet to beg.

And then obviously Jonathan had to come along. Turns out he actually, really, genuinely likes Corroded Coffin and was as excited as the kids to learn Steve had tickets. Well, excited in that understated, no energy for anything ever way that Jonathan has about him.

So yeah, Mike went with Nancy and Jonathan, which meant Dustin and Will got pushed in that direction. Steve could breathe a sigh of relief; that left him with Max, El, and Lucas. The sensible ones. The nice ones.

If you ignore how scathing Max could be. So the girls have an earbud each from Max’s phone and Lucas seems to be content to stare out of the window while Max stoically pretends they aren’t holding hands.

It’s cute.

Robins’ looking at the side of his face, Steve can feel it. He raises an eyebrow, ‘what?’

Robin raises both her eyebrows tips her whole head in question, ‘how you feeling?’

Steve shrugs, tilts his head dismissively. The he rethinks his answer for a more honest one, lifting one hand off the wheel to, out of sight of the kids, make a rocking gesture, ‘so-so.’

Robin nods sympathetically, seeming content with his answer, ‘that’s fair.’

He’d told Robin, obviously, that he’d hit it off with a customer and developed a monster crush and hopefully fingers and toes crossed that customer liked him back. He had not told her who Eddie actually is though, because even though it’s Robin and Steve did once get her to look at his dick because he thought something looked weird, (“It looks weird Steve, it’s a dick.” “Yeah, but weird like, see a doctor weird?”) and they have literally no secrets between them...this isn’t his secret.

Until tonight.

And Steve had to tell her just because tonight he might...actually get to meet Eddie. For real.

Once she’d finished squealing and beating him with a pillow, she’d understood.

So.

Steve’s kind of got a hurricane worth of butterflies in him.

Steve has detailed instructions and a QR code in the form of the email he printed from Eddie. All the kids laughed at him because ‘no one prints tickets any more, Steve’ but he was nervous, okay? And phone batteries can die or the internet could not work or. Yeah. He wanted a sure thing.

So they all go to the gate that the email says, and when the QR code gets scanned the woman with the scanner points off to the side, “can you wait there please,” and then pulls out a walkie talkie and speaks into it, “Steve Harrington has arrived.”

There’s a blast of static which, presumably, she understands, and then she goes back to doing her job. Less than five minutes later, five minutes filled with everyone but Robin demanding, “what the actual fuck, Steven,” someone else arrives. A guy with a tablet, a headset, and a very, very 100% done look on his face shows up. He’s wearing Corroded Coffin merch and asks the group to follow along. Which they do.

They’re led along white washed corridors, clearly under the stadium, and get dropped off in a room. A room with a TV on, and snacks and drinks, “this is all for you, go for it, I’ll be back before the support goes on.” And the dude leaves.

The girls, priorities sorted, lay into the snacks. Dustin and Mike are insisting again, “what the fuck is going on?” and getting ever more obnoxious about it.

Steve, very smugly, informs them that he, “knows a guy,” and settles down with the girls and a bag of Cheetos. He’s going to enjoy this while it lasts, watching Dustin splutter over it is very satisfying.

Steve wasn’t expecting any of this. He’s playing it as cool as he can, but he was expecting to get tickets, see the show, call Eddie after and maybe get to see him. He wasn’t expecting to be perched in seats the have been put at the side of the stage, just for them. Someone keeps checking on them, to bring them drinks and snacks.

He’s probably, right now, less than fifty feet from Eddie Munson. Eddie, who's wearing torn up skin tight jeans, shit kicker boots and nothing else. Eddie, who has his guitar slung at his back as he roars into the microphone.

The crowd are going batshit.

Steve’s slowly going insane. When the stage lights finally, finally go down, Steve thinks, this is it. He’s going to meet Eddie. Now is his moment.

The lights come back up, they play an encore. It’s four fucking songs long. Steve’s pulling his hair out as is genuinely concerned he might be sick.

The kids don’t notice; they’ve all just been given gift bags brimming with merch.

The band come over, once they’re finally done. They’re red faced and sweaty and the kids are all vibrating with excitement but Steve doesn’t care, he just doesn’t, because he can very clearly see Eddie leaving the other way. Disappearing off the other side of the stage. Away from Steve.

Well, fuck that.

Gareth is standing practically right next to Steve, signing the kids merch and talking to them, “where is Eddie?”

All the other members of the band look at Steve, and all of them look sheepish as fuck. “He’s, uhm, you know, busy.”

“Busy,” Steve replies, deadpan. And then it occurs to him. Eddie doesn’t know, so they don’t know. They think they’re keeping Eddie’s secret. “I know. I know it’s him. I want to see him.”

Every member of the band visibly relaxes, “see, I fucking told you he’s worked it out-” Jeff starts.

“Eddie is such a shitty liar,” Gareth agrees.

“Yes, he is. And I know it’s him, and I’ve known for ages, and now he’s…” Steve gestures weakly in the direction Eddie disappeared in.

“Having a meltdown in a greenroom because he thinks you’re going to hate him when you realize he’s been lying to you,” Jeff supplies helpfully.

“What the fuck is happening??” Dustin screeches. Steve pushes him away with a hand on the forehead.

Gareth laughs, “come on man. One way to settle this and honestly, I am so ready for it. I am done with his pining.”

Steve perks up immediately, jogging along after, “he’s been pining?”

Steve is left with a thumbs up, standing in an empty hallway, looking at a very, very unassuming door. He lifts his hand to knock but...can’t.

It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like...like them. So after a few moments of indecision, Steve jogs a little way along the hall and then pulls out his phone, calling Eddie.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

“Hi, Eds.”

“You enjoy the show?”

“I did, yeah, thank you, so so much. The kids loved it too. And all the, you know, extra stuff, it was all amazing...but I had, kind of hoped I’d get to see you tonight?”

“Yeah,” Eddie starts slowly. Painfully slowly, “about, about that-”

“Look,” Steve sighs, now genuinely terrified that this is it, and it comes out a little sharper than he means it too but, he's...kind of scared that this thing is going to die before it even starts, “if you don’t want to meet up, I get it.”

“No. No Steve, it isn’t that. It really, really isn’t, it’s just...I might have, withheld something from you. Slightly.”

“Is it that, you're Eddie Munson, Corroded Coffin’s front man?”

“You see, the thing is, I’m actually, Eddie, like the lead singer guy of-wait. Wait. Hold up. You- Steve. Stevie. Honey. What?”

“I know who you are Eddie. I’ve known for a while. I’m outside. The room. Like, I'm standing outside the door.”

“Oh,” Eddie breathes. And then...nothing.

“Eds?” Steve asks, tentatively.

“I was just...you don’t know what it’s like Steve. To be this famous. No one just...treats me like a normal guy. Not ever. Everyone wants something from me, you know? Everyone just thinks I’m rich and famous and I can do things for them. They only ever want to talk about the music and the shows and the fame and...I just...I’m...someone to fuck for bragging rights, not because anyone actually cares...no one. No one ever treats me, like, well, like a person. And you have, Stevie, this whole time you’ve just...been normal. I want someone who likes me for me... And I missed normal so much, and I thought, I was scared that once you found out I’d loose that but...you’ve known this whole time?”

Steve’s heart is kind of breaking for Eddie, and he wants to comfort him, show him nothing’s changing, but he isn’t going to force anything on him, this is Eddie’s choice, “yeah. I’ve known...pretty much the whole time yeah. You’re a...well, absolutely atrocious liar, Eddie Munson.”

“Yeah?” and Jesus he sounds like he’s laughing and crying a little, “are you, did you say you were outside? Are you still-”

“I’m here, right outside the door.”

“I. I, okay. Yeah. Yeah.” And then Eddie hands up.

And for a really long, really long minute, Steve worries that’s it. Eddie’s not going to open the door and-

The door opens slowly, Eddie peeking out at Steve. Steve can’t help laughing. And then Eddie laughs, coming the rest of the way out, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. His eyes are red rimmed, like he’s been crying, and Steve’s desperately trying to blink back the tears himself, “can I hug you?”

“Yeah,” Eddie’s voice is rough from the gig, much more noticeable now in person, “yeah, I’d like that.”

Steve doesn’t hesitate, throwing his arms around Eddie’s shoulders and pulling him tight close. Eddie’s more tentative, wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist and then...nuzzling into the side of Steve’s neck. Eddie takes a deep breath and...relaxes against Steve.

They stand there, hugging, Steve’s face buried in Eddie’s sweaty curls, swaying gently together in the quiet hallway.

@steves-yellow-cardigin @melodymeddler @pitrsattabhaadmeinjao

@superduckmilkshake @she-collects-smut @paintsplatteredandimperfect @resident-gay-bitch

@bestwifehaver @estrellami-1 @vampireinthesun @clumsiluni @swimmingbirdrunningrock @uwujinniee @heartdinosblog @overhillunderhill @noodle-shenaniganery @carlprocastinator1000 @danni-phant0m @wxrmland @steddie-as-they-go @i-have-three-feelings @space-invading-pigeon @antonymeanonyme @steddiedreamer @dragonmama76 @honorarybrit81 @punctualhowell @mojowitchcraft

@melodymeddler @pitrsattabhaadmeinjao @co5m0 @tinyplanet95

[freddyfreebat]

Jack Dylan Grazer Discovers Who He Is in Luca Guadagnino's “We Are Who We Are”

After supporting roles in the It and Shazam!, the young actor shifts gears with his turn as a capricious army brat in the Call Me By Your Name director's new HBO series.

by Iana Murray / Photography by Nik Antonio  —  September 14, 2020

A few years ago, Jack Dylan Grazer took a trip to the movie theater. He was in Toronto and it was one of his days off from filming Shazam!, the DC comedy in which he plays the shape-shifting hero’s foster brother. He decided to watch Call Me By Your Name, and he immediately fell for it. Grazer took note of the director’s name that appeared in the credits—Luca Guadagnino—and turned to his mother.

“I want to work with him,” he told her. With eerie prescience, she assured him: “You will.”

Whether Grazer, now 17, has a knack for manifestation, or it was all just happenstance, his wish came true in the form of We Are Who We Are, Guadagnino’s coming of age drama which follows a group of army brats living on an American military base in Italy. Thematically, the show is something of a spiritual successor to Call Me By Your Name: Grazer plays Fraser, a tempestuous 14-year-old with a pair of headphones constantly plugged in his ears. He’s the new arrival at the base with his mothers (Chloë Sevigny and Alice Braga), and quickly forms a deep bond with his neighbour, Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamon), as they both wrestle with their sexuality and identity in the midst of domestic troubles and teenage debauchery.

“He’s an enigma to himself,” Grazer says of his character. “He doesn’t really understand a lot of the things he does but he’s so forthright so he convinces himself that he knows everything. He feels like other people don’t deserve his intelligence. But he’s also very volatile and aggressive at times, and not because he’s coming from an angry place but because he’s constantly questioning who he is.”

If Fraser is just beginning his coming of age when we first meet him, Grazer is inching closer to the end. Starring in enormous blockbusters including IT, he became the Loser Club’s resident hypochondriac at age 12 and a superhero’s sidekick by 15. His films have grossed a combined total of over $1.5 billion. Suddenly the stakes are multiplied tenfold during what are ostensibly, and horrifyingly, the most awkward years of your life. Every misstep is now being monitored, examined through a microscope of millions. (See: His 3.8 million fans on Instagram, to say nothing of the countless stan accounts.) Child fame is a disarming transaction like that: a stable career and all the other perks of being a celebrity, but at the cost of normalcy. That unalleviating pressure forces a kid to mature fast.

Grazer is acutely aware of this fact, admitting outright that he’s “not a normal person.” But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I became 70 when I was 7!” he laughs. “I don’t know if I really had much of a childhood. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to grow up really fast.”

Nevertheless, he’s still 17. When we meet over Zoom, his shoulder length curls are damp and disheveled (he just got out of the shower), his black painted fingernails contrast with his brightly-lit, white bedroom as he rests his face on his hand. It’s a Saturday morning and he looks tired: It’s his first week back at school, which has traded classrooms for hours of video calls reminiscent of the one we’re currently on. “It feels like the days are shorter because the teachers don’t want to torture their students by keeping them on a computer for six hours a day,” he tells me. “You do miss the social aspect of being at school.”

If you were to judge Grazer by what’s out there on the internet, you’d expect an anarchic and relentless bundle of energy. A quick YouTube search brings up results like “jack dylan grazer being a drama queen” and “jack dylan grazer being chaotic in interviews for 4 and a half minutes straight.” He trolled a YouTube gamer on Instagram Live. His TikToks are inscrutable.

But here, he’s incredibly earnest, as he excitedly talks about his skateboarding hobby (a skill he picked up after auditioning for Mid90s) and his attempts to learn the flute (“I need to learn how to read sheet music, but it’s like reading Hebrew!”). He’s calm and thoughtful, as if this project we’re discussing requires a shift in sensibility.

For Grazer, acting had always simply been fun. While other kids might take up a sport or get hooked on video games, he performed in musical theater with the Adderley School because he “just wanted to play.” His roles so far have been reflective of his carefree approach to the job: Up until now, he’s portrayed best friends with biting one-liners, or the younger version of the protagonist in a flashback. IT is a prime example of both. In the horror franchise, Grazer plays a neurotic germaphobe running from a fear-eating clown, but in reality, the film felt like “summer camp.” Both films never felt like work; he just learned his lines and got to hang out on extravagant sets with his best friends. Likewise, school amounted to being pulled off set by a teacher in between takes to cram in the mandatory hours.

But with We Are Who We Are, he steps into his first leading role, one that required him to convey longing and confusion through Elio-like physicality and subtext. It’s abnormal to talk about the show as a turning point for an actor who isn’t even a legal adult yet, but Grazer explains that the show required him to radically change his approach to acting. He spent six months in Italy (“It felt like I was in Call Me By Your Name.”) and built up the character beyond what was on the page in collaboration with Guadagnino. “His philosophy is that we know our characters better than anyone else—even the writers—because we are the characters essentially,” he explains.

In many ways, Grazer absorbed that philosophy entirely. He describes the experience less as a performance and more like a “rebirth”—perhaps even an attempt at method acting. Over those months in Italy, the distinctions between actor and character gradually became indistinguishable. “I had no other choice but to act and surrender to Fraser entirely and throw Jack Dylan Grazer out the window,” he says. “I would go out and get a coffee as Fraser and walk like Fraser. That was just me trying to get into [character], but then I slipped at some point and just became Fraser.”

One day on set, he looked at himself in the mirror, and the hardened kid standing there with a bleach-blond dye job and oversized shorts was unrecognizable to him. He could only see Fraser. While talking about his character, he seems to unintentionally switch pronouns, from “he” to “I”, as if the two still remain one and the same.

The process was so transformative that it forced him to re-evaluate himself entirely. “I never really struggled with identity before,” Grazer tells me. “But I think the show opened up my eyes to question myself. Being Fraser forced me to question what I wanted and what I stood for and what I believed in. At some points, the show bled into reality.”

When asked how he has changed, he takes a pause and a pensive swivel in his armchair, unsure of how to answer. “I think I was more ignorant before I did the show,” he says, and he leaves it at that.

Coming of agers are a particularly well-trodden genre, but there’s a naturalistic, raw energy to We Are Who We Are that is distinctive from what we’ve seen before. Each character quietly struggles with their own problems and growing pains—for Fraser, it’s his sexuality. Caught in a fraught relationship with his lesbian mother and an infatuation with another man, his story doesn’t tick off the familiar beats. His personal discovery is instead internal and intimate. "I think every single person born as a boy has this guard. It’s this guard that they don’t even realize they have, where they’re initially like, ‘Being gay? I could never.’ But we’re all born as humans who are attracted to whatever we’re attracted to," he says. "I think that’s how Fraser interprets it as well. Yes, he’s reserved and nervous about it in the beginning because he’s unlocking this new idea for himself. He’s figuring it out, and that’s what you see in the show: him coming to terms with this idea."

As our conversation winds to a close, I ask him if Martin Scorsese ever visited the set—his daughter, Francesca, plays the confident cool girl of the show’s teen cohort—and his eyes widen. “That was actually a really stressful day,” he divulges. Still, he revels in the memory, speaking so fast it’s like someone has put him on 2.5x speed as he shows off his impersonation of Guadagnino. The director was so nervous about Scorsese’s presence that production halted that day.

“Luca was like, ‘I cannot do this today because Martin Scorsese is on my set. I don’t know what to do, this is not good for me. I will have a panic attack before the day ends,’” Grazer says in his best Italian accent. “It’s like if you’re a painter and Van Gogh shows up.” 

Admittedly, Grazer is also a self-proclaimed superfan of the Wolf of Wall Street director, and afterwards, he got to spend several days with his idol, as they went on lavish restaurant outings in Italy and talked about anything and everything.

He takes a second to compose himself. A giddy, Cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. The kid in him comes flooding back.

“...Oh my god!” he yells. “I met Martin Scorsese!”

[grim-on-the-darkside]

George Lucas Sequel Trilogy [Some new info and some old]

 George Lucas's Sequel Trilogy

~ George Lucas Interview, Star Wars Archives: Eps I-III: 1999-2005: by author Paul Duncan.

"Darth Maul trained a girl. Darth Talon, who was in the comic books, as his apprentice. She was the new Darth Vader, and most of the action was with her. So these were the 2 main villains of the trilogy. Maul eventually becomes the Godfather of crime in the universe because as the Empire falls, he takes over.

The movies are about how Leia - I mean, who else is going to be the leader? - is trying to build the Republic. They still have the apparatus of the Republic but they have to get it under control from the gangsters. That was the main story.

It starts out a few years after Return of the Jedi and we establish pretty quickly that there's this underworld, there are these offshoot stormtroopers who started their own planets, and that Luke is trying to restart the Jedi. He puts the word out, so out of 100,000 Jedi, maybe 50 to 100 are left. The Jedi have to grow again from scratch, so Luke has to find two- and three-year-olds, and train them. It'll be 20 years before you have a new generation of Jedi.

By the end of the trilogy Luke would have rebuilt much of the Jedi, and we would have the renewal of the New Republic, with Leia, Senator Organa, becoming the Supreme Chancellor in charge of everything. So she ended up being the Chosen One."

............................

[Luke dies in Episode 9]

.............................

Commenter - 'How many students were at Luke's Jedi 'academy"? Was it even an academy?'

Pablo - "We'd likely never use that term. That's very EU, not very George. It'd be a temple. As for numbers, can't say now."

~ Pablo Hidalgo, 2015

https://ibb.co/k38HzwX

..............................

"In late August 2012 Star Wars fans from all around the world gathered in Orlando, Florida for the sixth official Star Wars convention, Celebration VI. The lineup was strong despite the live action movies, always the brightest and biggest stars in the franchise’s galaxy, coming to an end seven years earlier. Though he was not scheduled to attend, series creator George Lucas was there. Publicly, he was just there to make a surprise appearance during the panel for the animated The Clone Wars TV show. But privately he was there to talk to original trilogy stars Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher. They were brought to a conference room away from the convention floor where George broke the news: he was working a new Star Wars trilogy and wanted them to reprise their iconic roles." [Disney didn't buy Lucasfilm/Star Wars until October 30th of 2012. This meeting occured two months before the sale, and at that point, the sale couldn't be assured.]

(1/3/2018)

Just days after posting this, Lucasfilm Story Group member Pablo Hidalgo tweeted out some information about the early versions of Episode VII (Skyler is another name for the Sam/Finn character).

Skyler and Kira (and Kira wasn’t the first proposed name either; she had at least two others) became, after a fashion, Finn and Rey. The Jedi Killer morphed from Talon corrupting the son to becoming the son. Uber became Snoke. The starting point shifted. Yadda yada yada.

The son falling to the dark side was always in the mix. The movies just ended up having it already an established fact.

Skyler was the son in some versions. And as for how all that was gonna go down, that ain’t my story to tell.

And in 2016, he confirmed that Thea (Kira/Rey), Skyler, Darth Talon, and the planet of Felucia were in George’s plans.

Question - ‘But Talon was in the treatment, right?’

Pablo - “Yes.”  “

‘Hmm… assuming this is still 30 years after RoTJ, wouldn’t that kinda mess with the Chosen One thing?’

Pablo - “Depends on whether or not she was a Sith, I suppose. George wasn’t all that interested in her EU backstory.”

~ Pablo Hidalgo Tweet [Archived] (June 19, 2016)

https://ibb.co/NYVW7w3

......

(1/6/2018)

Added quote from Harrison Ford about George Lucas telling him during their first Episode VII related call that Han would die. Also added more information about the timeline.

(6/14/2018)

Added information and quotes from George about the inclusion of the Whills in his sequel trilogy.

(6/26/2018)

Added information from Mark Hamill about Luke training Leia in Episode IX before dying.

(11/28/2018)

Added concept painting from artist Christian Alzmann that received a “Fabulouso” stamp from George Lucas.

https://medium.com/@Oozer3993/george-lucas-episode-vii-c272563cc3ba

“The ones that I sold to Disney, they came up to the decision that they didn’t really want to do those. So they made up their own. So it’s not the ones that I originally wrote.” ~ Lucas on his Sequel Trilogy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

More generally, Hamill compared the approaches between Lucas and Disney's Star Wars films:

Mark Hamill quotes about Lucas Sequel Trilogy -

"George had an overall arc – if he didn't have all the details, he had sort of an overall feel for where the [sequel trilogy was] going – but this one's more like a relay race. You run and hand the torch off to the next guy, he picks it up and goes.

"I happen to know that George didn't kill Luke until the end of [Episode] 9, after he trained Leia. Which is another thread that was never played upon [in The Last Jedi]."

Where Lucas would have taken the second set of prequels. Though Leia and Luke communicate telepathically, fans have never really seen her use the Force. Mark Hamill had this to say about Leia using the Force in George Lucas' original writings.

   "This is always something that interest me because we can communicate telepathically and I tell her in one of the movies, I guess the third one, you have that power too. So I always wondered, and I don't read the fanfiction, [Expanded Universe] why she wouldn't fully develop her Force sensibilities and I think that's something George Lucas addressed in his original outline for 7, 8, 9. I was talking to him last week, but they're not following George's ideas so we'll have to wait and see on that one. But it seems like a waste of an innate talent that she should utilize in some way."

https://movieweb.com/star-wars-leia-originally-used-force-george-lucas/

[The next three Star Wars films] were going to get into a microbiotic world. But there’s this world of creatures that operate differently than we do. I call them the Whills. And the Whills are the ones who actually control the universe. They feed off the Force.

  Back in the day, I used to say ultimately what this means is we’re just cars, vehicles, for the Whills to travel around in…. We’re vessels for them. And the conduit is the midi-chlorians. The midi-chlorians are the ones that communicate with the Whills. The Whills, in a general sense, they are the Force.

   All the way back to — with the Jedi and the Force and everything — the whole concept of how things happen was laid out completely from [the beginning] to the end. But I never got to finish. I never got to tell people about it.

   If I’d held onto the company I could have done it, and then it would have been done. Of course, a lot of the fans would have hated it, just like they did Phantom Menace and everything, but at least the whole story from beginning to end would be told.”

~ George Lucas, James Cameron interview

https://io9.gizmodo.com/george-lucas-ideas-for-his-own-star-wars-sequel-trilogy-1826798496

Dear Maker, You are missed. You are the canon.

[jasleh]

This for all three but ESPECIALLY Amox

bahahaha... ok, let's see

for Amox:

(I appologize for how mean these are going to be)

Djor: "Calm, but not terribly bright. His bear might be smarter."

Ai'lani: "Claims to be a fellow seeker of knowledge, which I can respect. Also a curiosity deserving of further study, but not very pleasant company."

Viral: "May or may not be an actual demon, but enough of a bastard that I'm not sure I care anymore."

Guardian: "Can at least appreciate good coffee."

Vy'kou: Bean "A good and kind man. I would say he is too nice for his own good, but I am clearly in no position to do so. Certainly he does not deserve to have been caught up in all this nonsense, but I am grateful that he was and that he stays. T'is certainly more than some members of this group deserve."

for Fay:

Silvano: "He has been so very kind to me, and took me in when no one else would. I... think of him as a father, although I do not know if I could ever tell him so. Even... even if I suspect he already knows. Certainly he has been more of a parent to me than either of my actual parents, although that was not Andal's fault. I would do anything for Silvano."

Marwind: "H-he's... v-very talented. And pretty. He's always so cheerful and upbeat. He always knows what to say to cheer me up or make me laugh. Although he is... also rather good at making me worry. And at making stronger people mad at him. I do wish he would have more care for his own well-being sometimes. I... know that someday he will go off where I cannot follow. The sea is his true home, and... and I am not very good with water. But... I hope that is many years off yet."

Luca: "Very much like a big brother... even if he is younger than I am. Well. Depending on how you're counting. I am happy to see him beginning to regain parts of himself that he lost, although I wish I knew better how to comfort him about the things he can not get back. I do worry about how much time I hear he's been spending in that Dream, but I think Celli's keeping an eye on him."

Celli: "Celli is like my big sister. She's so strong and brave, and always sensible. Very pretty too. Always so happy to help. She sewed these Pearls onto my tunic for me so I would be able to use them quickly. And she bought me my cauldron! I've... not gotten many gifts in my life, so it means a lot to me. Sometimes I'm not sure about her horse, though..."

Sun Wukong: "I didn't believe he was really a demigod at first. He got knocked down rather a lot when we first met... But I suppose he was still recovering from all that time he was locked away in the druids' coffin-prison thing. He is quite powerful now. It took me a while to warm up to him, especially as he was rather at odds with Silvano at first, but he is part of the family now. However, he does need to work on not hitting his friends along with his enemies when we get into fights.

Tomomi: "Tomomi only recently joined us, but she is very smart and good at taking notes. She's also very fluffy. She can turn into animals like Sun, but I have only seen her turn into a fox. While we were still traveling to Castle Lavender, I asked her to help me find someone there, as she's a detective and all, and she was very happy to help. It turned out to not be necessary, but I'm certain she could have found Andal if he had not been right there when we arrived, even with as little as I had to go on."

Zaho: (does Zaho count as part of the party?): "Very tall. Very scary."

for Skes:

Wessyn: "Small friend! He my size. Very nice, but has too much water >| His mom cook good."

Kuvrik: "Big friend! Good at smashing! But always pick me up when I see something shiny or tasty :("

Gales: "Also big! But not as big as other big friend. Has wings! I have wings too now! Yells a lot. Had a big mountain building full of shiny things. One of the shiny things bit me. Very rude."

[fullysowerewolf]

My Issues with RE8 and how it changes the series lore

My stream of consciousness rant about RE8′s story down below. Spoilers ahead.

Capcom has really stopped giving a shit about its continuity. They have Ozwell Spencer know about Mother Miranda and Dimitrescu’s immortality and seeking out that when he wasn’t even focused on immortality until his health was stating to decline in the early 2000′s. Why didn’t he just contact her again and use the Mold when he was dying instead of bothering with Alex Wesker? He had legitimate proof of extended lifespans via Miranda, so why even bother? Why wasn’t Wesker interested at all is using this bioweapon that can virtually do anything? At least 7′s explanation for the Mold and its history with HCF made sense, as it was just a creation of another random biotech company that HCF’s employers were interested in acquiring as a product. They’re just rehashing Las Plagas but even worse.  Or even Alex herself, when she had the same issues as Spencer had in wanting to immortality? This is a massive retcon that shits on the lore.

Speaking of retcons, what the fuck is up with the BSAA? After two major games, two spinoff games, and supplemental material showing the BSAA to be the main good group of the series, they suddenly turn around and are deploying bioweapons on the field? Where is the development for this? There is nothing to explain this turnaround. What the fuck happened since RE6 to now that has made the BSAA this way? It’s been literally eight years in-universe since RE6 there’s been diddly squat that explains anything that’s been going on with Chris, Leon, and the rest of the world we care about in RE. This is horrible storytelling. You can’t just drop a massive status quo shift without explaining anything that led to it. It’s the RE4 bullshit all over again, but even worse this time around since they’ve had two games to establish what this new direction is for the story, and they’ve done nothing but fuck around with some bland randos and throw in one cameo from a character we actually care about.

The Mold makes even less sense than it did in RE7.  Everyone rightfully called bullshit when RE6 dropped a fucking T-Rex transformer on us, but when they go further beyond and put actual Transformers, Dragons, Superbabies, Telekinesis, and whatever the hell Ethan was by the end of the story, people are just fine with that?  Capcom clearly has given up on having any of their science make any sense, and don’t come at me with “Oh, it’s just RE! They’ve never made any sense with their Sci-fi!” No, shut the fuck up. They did. The T-virus made sense, the G-virus made sense (before RE2 2019 ruined that its lore) and all of the other bioweapons made sense and had rules and consistency up until RE6. And even 6 had some logical reasons for why its monsters were they way they were, with the C-virus being a mashup between G and T-Veronica. The Mold and/or the Caldou parasites just do whatever the hell the plot needs it to do. It causes hallucinations and gives superpowers like telekinesis and hive-minds? Ok. It can make vampires and werewolves? Alright. It can make people turn themselves into a swarm of insects and reform whenever they want? Whatever. How is Ethan as a resurrected Mold-controlled meat puppet equivocal to Leech Marcus from RE0 able to even conceive a child? He shouldn’t even have any sperm at that point. He was a corpse! How was that even able to happen anyway as he was really no different from Lucas, Mia, or the other Bakers before they mutated, and they didn’t become mobile Mold puppets? Oh, right it’s the Mold, how could I forget that it just works however the plot wants it to be.

There is no reason for Chris to not have stopped this whole plot from happening by just getting into contact with Ethan alone and explaining that Miranda has replaced his wife. Call him and say that they needed to do further checkups on him regarding the Mold. Or that they need him to come in and collaborate on some info that pertains to the Dulvey incident. Whatever excuse he can to get Ethan in on what has happened so Chris and his team can do their thing. It’s just so nonsensical. He doesn’t explain a single thing to Ethan about what’s really going on when he had every opportunity and resource to do so. Ethan would have believed him, he knows he works with this kind of shit and Chris is responsible for saving his and Mia’s lives, you can’t tell me he would have brushed him off. Also why is Mia not in prison? She was an agent knowingly working for a bioterroist group who trafficked bioweapons across the world. They would have locked her ass up as soon as she got treatment for the Mold after 7. Why is she walking around free after all of that? Why am I supposed to care about Rose when she’s basically a combo of Jake Muller and Sherry Birkin when they could have used both of those characters instead and is the daughter of one of the most mediocre characters ever in RE? Chris’ story hasn’t even changed either. At the very least if he chose to retire and this was his last game as a playable character, it would make sense and would end his term on an alright note. But he’s still in the same position as he was eight years ago.

I was right to say that RE7 was the sign of worse things to come as this has killed any interest I had in Resident Evil as a series. If RE2 2019 and RE3 2020 didn’t already do that. I couldn’t care less about what is going to happen next. They ended the story that started in the 90′s with 5 and have just spinning their wheels since, adding plotlines that get dropped and characters are never seen again, including older ones people are dying to know.

Summary; RE8 is a storyline trainwreck, Capcom have given up on making a sensible story, and I’ve given up on expecting better.

[kartoffelblume]

Just a little something I wrote a while ago that I finally wanted to share with you, hope you enjoy 💛

VDS Childhood friends to lovers AU - part one

Even Robbe was surprised when Jens told them about Lucas - his childhood best friend who moved to Utrecht shortly before Jens and Robbe met and now is coming back.

He was even more surprised when he heard the affectionate tone Jens used when talking about Lucas, his eyes sparkling and a fond smile forming around his lips.

When Jens introduced the broerrrs first to Lucas - Luc how he would call him, they instantly clicked.

Lucas was a little quiet sometimes but always in for a joke. And Jens always took care he wasn't left behind. It was cute actually. Too cute.

It became very obvious when Lucas already was a bit longer in the group - Him and Jens started touching each other more, sending little smiles and spent as much time together as somehow possible.

It's hilariously obvious that these two feel more for each other than friendship. To Robbe at least. But apparently to neither Jens and Lucas nor the broerrs.

He talked about it to Sander once, both of them cuddled together on the small balcony in front of Sanders room on a warm summer night.

"So Jens and Lucas, mh?"

Sander had asked, his voice muffled in Robbes hair.

"So I'm not the only one seeing it?"

"No, you are not. They are really obvious about it."

"I have a feeling they don't even know there is something going on."

Robbe sighed, his faced pressed in the fabric of Sanders shirt.

"They will figure it out."

"Hopefully"

They didn't. At least not yet. At this point it's getting annoying - Robbe can't believe how oblivious his best friend can be.

They are chilling in the skate park, The broerrrs, Lucas and Sander, Robbe leaning against Sanders shoulder, Lucas with his head in Jens lap.

"This one kinda looks like an elephant."

Lucas looks up in the sky, his voice low. He's probably not aware that not only Jens but also Robbe can hear him.

Jens looks up, trying to find the cloud Lucas is talking about but quickly pressing his eyelids together.

"Ouch, man- you made me look into the sun!"

He looks back down towards Lucas, his frown replaced by a small smile. Now he's even starting to stroke through Lucas hair - this really is getting too much.

"Arrgh guys, just get a room already!"

So he's not the only one thinking that. But maybe Sanders method is not the most sensible way to try to make the two boys aware what's happening.

And apparently also not the most effective way - they just burst out in laughter as if Sander made an especially funny joke.

Still Robbe makes sure to poke his elbow into Sanders stomach, followed by a glare.

"What? This can't go on forever?"

Luckily Jens and Lucas next to them are already back in their small bubble, joking together so they don't hear Sanders whisper.

"I know - but this is definitely not the right way!"

"I think they need a push in the right direction."

"I'll talk to Jens"

When Sander just raises an eyebrow he adds.

"Really!"

It's not that easy catching Jens alone and Robbe has to try for about a week, until he has enough and just asks Jens if they could walk a bit around the park.

Jens first reaction is turning towards Lucas who is sitting right next to him - legs touching. Probably to ask him if he comes along but Robbe just pulls on his arm.

"We'll be back in almost no time!"

Jens sighs but he gets up and trots along next to Robbe, sending one last apologetic smile towards Lucas.

"So, what is it you want to talk about?"

"What?"

"It's obvious you wanted to talk. So, what's up, is something with Sander?"

So that's obvious now? But that Jens is pining for Lucas isn't?

"No! No, we are great. Just wanted to talk to my best friend for a change."

Jens nods, still a suspicious glint in his eyes.

"So you and Lucas are close, hm?"

"Yeah he was my absolutely best friend before I met you - I missed him like hell when he moved. Really glad he's back though. It's crazy, he's just here for a few weeks, months maybe and I already couldn't imagine him ever leaving again."

Totally oblivious.

"Have you ever thought about if you maybe also like guys?"

"Are you trying to make a move on me?"

Robbe rolls his eyes.

"No dumb-ass. Of course not, you know that."

"Just making sure"

"So, have you?"

Jens is quiet for a while, his eyebrows crunched up.

"No, never had a reason to."

So he definitely isn't aware.

"Why are you asking?"

He even sounds genuinely curious.

"Oh just... Maybe try to think about it."

Again Jens looks slightly suspicious.

"Wait - any correlation to your question about Luc?"

Now he's on the right track.

"Maybe"

Robbe leaves an affectionate clap on Jens back before jogging the last few meters towards the bench the broerrrs are sitting on, deep in some discussion that involves weed and some party.

Hopefully that talk helped. Robbe isn't too sure.

He tries to keep his eyes on Jens from time to time and catches him absent mindedly staring somewhere in the grass a few times.

So maybe he finally started realizing.

Sander asks instantly once he arrives at Robbes door, his arms wrapping tightly around Robbes torso, his nose pressed into the fabric of Robbes sweater.

"So could you talk to Jens today?"

"Yep"

"And?"

"I mean I dropped a few hints - now all we can do is to hope that helped."

Sander sighs.

"I think in their case 'dropping a few hints' won't be enough"

It really isn't enough. Jens is back to normal already the next time they hang out. And as always he doesn't seem to realize the way he's permanently touching Lucas. Doesn't notice their eye contact always lasting a little too long or the way each of them keeps looking at the other when they're turned away.

It's horrible.

But then something happens on its own. Sander brings Noor and two other friends to hang out with the broerrrs and one of them seems to have an eye for Lucas.

Robbe really hopes Sander didn't set that up, but the guy sits close next to Lucas, starts making comments about the colour of Lucas eyes and how he likes his signature jean jacket.

And Lucas - oblivious as always - laughs along to his jokes, lets himself be captured in a long talk and for once isn't permanently glued to Jens side.

Jens totally seems to hate it.

His forehead is furrowed, he's staring at the ground in front of him, not paying attention to the conversation.

It doesn't get better for the entire time Sanders friends are there, and even once they leave Jens stays awfully quiet, not reacting on Lucas touches or jokes

The next day it finally happens, Jens comes towards Robbe on his own. It's an innocent message if he's able to hang out but Robbe knows there is more.

"You were right"

Jens starts once they sit down on the small wall facing the schelde.

When Robbe keeps quiet - not wanting to interrupt Jens he starts explaining.

"First I thought that that was bullshit, that Luc and me are just really good friends, that we have no problem being close to each other because we always were - but you're right."

Jens sighs, still looking somewhere in the water.

"And then, yesterday when that weird dude started flirting with Lucas - that hurt! Like hell! And now I keep thinking about if I'm just endangering our friendship with my feelings for him. He trusts me so much and I..."

For a moment both of them are quiet.

"I don't think you're endangering your friendship. A friendship like that doesn't break that easily. And you don't know, maybe he also has feelings for you?"

"You think so?"

Robbe isn't sure it's fair towards Lucas if he tells Jens it's pretty obvious his feelings are mutual... And maybe it's better if he gets that part alone at least.

But Jens seems really lost - if Robbe wants him to make a move on Lucas he should definitely encourage him.

"Have you seen the two of you?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just... You're permanently touching each other, looking at each other and so on."

"But that's because we know each other so well. We've been friends basically forever. Of course we are close. That doesn't necessarily mean he feels something for me!"

Jens really is a helpless case.

"Just... I think you won't lose a thing if you maybe talk to him."

Jens shakes his head way too quickly.

"No i can't do that. I'll make him only feel weird about me. Maybe I should just try to... stay away a little."

That's definitely the worst idea Jens could possibly have.

But it's too late, Jens seems to have made his decision.

"Hey thanks Robbe! You really helped me. I think I'm gonna head home now."

Aand he's gone, leaving Robbe sitting alone, facing the huge mural of his own face.

Great. That was horrible.

When he tells Sander that evening Sander straight up just laughs.

"I just... I can't... How can they be so-"

"Oblivious?"

"Totally!"

"I don't know how long I can do this"

At that Sander wraps him in a big hug - and Jens and Lucas are easily forgotten.

part two

[hathsinners]

It’s obvious that Imane lied, not because she couldn’t confide in Jamila but because she couldn’t bear to face the fact that their situations were the same and that Jamila had been right in a way. Of course we know it’ll be alright in the end, but as far as Imane knows, it’s been almost 2 years and the girls never showed interest in her, her life, her religion or her interests:

- Daphné has always made islamophobic/racist remarks and at this point is getting condescending thanks to Ingrid’s influence since her prejudices are finally being validated by someone in the group, contrary to before where she was called out.

- Emma just doesn’t care, is too self-centred at this point and can’t figure out what she wants to pay attention to what’s going on in other people’s lives. She just want to have fun and from where she stands, Imane’s refusing to accommodate with Ingrid’s antics is stopping that.

- Alexia is carefree and while she is shown to remember things (like Ramadan), she also would rather Imane accommodates with everything to have fun, much like Emma, than truly get involved/interested in her.

- Manon is the only one that has been shown time and time again to have the sensibility it takes to reach out. She’s the friend who notices, she’s the friend who knows. However, she would rather stay neutral in any situations than take sides (which is great if we analyse the Noora character as the embodiment of white feminism... She’ll bite at any mention of gender issues but stay silent on race issues). She obviously feels bad for Imane, but fails to truly understand how alienating the girls’ behaviour is for Imane.

Thus I do believe that if Ingrid hadn’t been there to shed light on those facts (and subsequently, I hope, open the girls eyes on their shitty behaviour), Imane’s relationship with the crew would have ended just like Jamila and her friends did. Simply because as a WOC and a muslim, there’s only so much you can take. Nobody wants to feel like they don’t belong. So for now their relationship is in jeopardy, right, but the fact that Imane is in denial about how bad the situation is also shows a willingness to keep her friends because as shitty as they are right now, she loves them and want to believe that they can actually be better, that her situation will change.

Starting now, I only see two outcomes for this season: Either they will show the girls (and Lucas if they keep that mess of bench speech from OG) truly try to understand what Imane went through, reflect on their behaviour, call out Daphné AS WELL as Ingrid AND their own behaviour, and try to make amend (as much as I loved the Los Loser bus scene, the lack of closure for Sana was frustrating as hell, the girls NEEDED to properly apologise).

Either they will follow the path of OG and we’re going to have Lucas and the girls invalidating Imane’s feeling while having Imane and the girls apologise as if they were on equal terms (I repeat, Sana and here Imane are NOT in the wrong and should NOT be vilified for being rightfully angry).

I really hope it’s the first outcome. This fandom NEEDS more than ever to be educated on race and how race relations work and reflect on their behaviour just like the girls. (I’m looking at all of y’all who would rather vilify Imane and can’t even identify your own prejudices let alone the girls’).

[mamsellechosette24601]

Detailed description of Brazil's Great Comet of 1812

This is the stage with the denominations I gave to make it easier to follow

VERY LONG POST ahead, about “Natacha, Pierre, e o Grande Cometa de 1812”, the Brazilian version of Dave Malloy’s “Great Comet” which opened last Friday August 24th in São Paulo. In this post I will detail how this version differs from the Broadway one (keeping in mind that all I know from it comes from the YouTube bootleg), make some analyses and from time to time bring up War & Peace, because I can’t help myself. So of course, SPOILERS (for W&P, I won’t go beyond the part where tgc ends).

The Main Differences:

1- In this version, Pierre/Natasha was even more canon than in the book. I will explore the details in chronological order, but keep this in mind;

2- There were, of course, changes to the lyrics, driving it further away from the novel, and also making use of more explicit language;

3- Characters had more defining good/evil characteristics, so I think some of the subtlety was lost, but at the same time it helped to draw out more clearly some of the themes.

Because of my sitting position, I sometimes couldn’t see what was going on in the right, but had a privileged view of the actors walking around the tables to go up the central stage. 

Once you arrive, there’s folk Russian music playing, waiters are bringing people food, and for the countdown, you hear ras, ras dva, and finally ras dva tri.

 Act 1

Prologue

The Prologue is on YouTube, so I won’t go over it in detail, but a few observations: before the music begins, you see some soldiers fighting. The one in the center is Andrei, who seems to have been wounded – was that a reference to the novel, where Andrei is treating himself from the wound he received in Austerlitz? Also, Nikolai’s name (Natasha’s brother and Sonya’s fiancé) appears in the cast list, so I imagine one of the soldiers must have been him, as he doesn’t appear in any other moment.

When the chords started playing, I looked around and Pierre was standing right next to me. Status: choked by tears of joy.

During the stanza “And this is all in your program…” dancers come singing and playing instruments, walking around the tables, looking people in the eye to make sure they understand.

Pierre

Also on YouTube, so the only note I’ll make is: throughout the song, Helene is there laid back on the stairs next to Dolokhov, flirting openly with him and laughing at Pierre.

Moscow

The Akhrosimov residence is on the left stage, while the Bolkonskys live on the right.

The impression I got of Marya was that this version of her was nicer, less strict than Grace McLean’s. Yes, she worries a lot about the family’s name and cares for decency, but she’s not only old-school, she’s also out of fashion. During Prologue, the word they use for her is “careta”, which has this double meaning, and it shows. Her style is different from everyone else’s, brighter and floral, and during Moscow she shows off some dance moves and you just know that she’s doing it to embarrass Natasha and Sonya. She can be endearing and didn’t seem to hate Sonya that much.

Private and Intimate Life

So, turning entirely to the right stage now, we see Old Bolkonsky sitting on his chair and Mlle Bourienne dancing gaily to his right. He drools, and she cleans it from the floor. Instead of “a young suitor” or “some cheap French thing”, Old B. says he’ll look for a whore. He turns to the audience, asking if there are any whores there, and then turns to Mlle Bourienne. The whole show in general is quite explicit, which I will detail further.

Natasha and the Bolkonskys

Natasha arrives and the awkwardness of the moment is shown by Mary going down the stage and getting lost as she wanders through the right-side tables trying to reach the central stage. Once they meet, they say their famous greetings and Mary just looks back at Old Bolkonsky and shakes her head, like saying “err... this girl is CANCELLED”. They keep silent, just smiling a lot in the fakest way possible, and they walk a bit around the central stage, one getting in the way of the other, before Mary starts “AND FROM THE FIRST GLAAAANCE”. There’s no sitting at the table, as it wouldn’t work, once only the people on the right would be able to see it.

About Mary’s character: she’s self-assumedly plain, but her costume is quite glittery. The Mary we meet here is haughty, I sensed in her more pride than in the book or in Gelsey Bell’s version. The audience stands on Natasha’s side, and her quick escape from the house seems more rightful than childish.

No One Else

Also on YouTube, so everyone can go there and see how beautiful it is, with the blue lighting and Andrei coming to dance with Natasha and lift her up in the air to fly away. An important detail about the translation: instead of “The Mooooooonnn….”, right in the beginning, Natasha sings “The Bluuuueeeee…”. The Moon is still very much present during this song, but this change connects with the deep significance blue lighting has in the play in general, and even more in this version specifically. On Broadway, blue lighting appears during No One Else and by the end of Dust and Ashes. For me it always seemed an indicator of purity, honesty, real love, as it was put in contrast with the dominating red and yellow lights, the two-faced and ill-meaning aristocratic society. Now this view was enhanced, for when Natasha acknowledges the colour, it becomes something else: the sky. Those who have read War & Peace or at least watched BBC’s 2016 miniseries, will remember the deep connection there’s between Andrei and the “lofty, infinite heavens”. Throughout the novel, the sky is a symbol of God, joy, eternal love that knows no bounds, love for the world, for our fellow men, for those who have done us wrong. Natasha lives this sky, lives the blue. She’s already found what Pierre is looking for, and from now on we will watch as she loses touch with it and attempts to regain it.

The Opera

Sonya began singing and detailing everything and I didn’t even remember that it wasn’t in the original language. It was so good. Now, a few book characters appear in the cast list, such as Vera, Berg, Julie, Boris, Anna Mikhailovna, Anna Pavlovna, Prince Vasili, Denisov… I think they were all just named extras in The Opera. No references to them at any other moment.

After Helene talks to Marya and the girls, Marya turns to them and says Helene is a snake, followed by hissing sounds. Beautiful. I think Helene was also wearing a snake-shaped necklace but I’m not 100% sure.

The ballet and the actual opera were everything you could expect.

Something that happens in the translation all throughout the play is that most of the time in Portuguese, you can’t say as much as in English with the same amount of syllables. An example is “tickle”, which in Portuguese is “fazer cócegas”. I’m mentioning it because I was very curious about this translation, and so “I’d tickle you all if I could” became “I’d like to dance with you all”, because a literal translation would never work. For me, it became less dream-like, and so that’s an example of how translation can get in the way.

Anatole’s entrance was not as remarkable, as in the stage there is no door, and so he just walked up the stairs, but he walked up-stage just as he should (no contact with the audience, however). Instead of “good-looking”, Helene calls him “gostoso”, which is a more explicit form of “hot”.

Natasha and Anatole

This one, even the interactions, were very similar to Broadway. But the impression this Anatole gives is quite different from Lucas’. Watching the Broadway version, I can never get very angry at Anatole, simply because Lucas Steele is too charismatic and has this “good guy” aura around him. I would call him ignorant, cocky, selfish, but not evil. One can even believe he’s in love with Natasha (in a shallow way). Now, someone would have to really distort everything to defend Brazil’s Anatole. It’s impossible not to realize that he’s only seeing Natasha as an object, he’s very vulgar in his gestures, and yet you can also understand why she is being fooled, what she sees in him is not what he’s showing the audience. Of course, I can’t speak of it universally, but I watched the play with some family members who didn’t know anything about the story, and they all felt pity for Natasha, none of them accused her of being “dumb”. Maybe it was to their own credit, maybe to the actors’. I personally liked this version of Anatole a lot, as it better suited my Pierre/Natasha/Andrei sensibilities, and was in a way still able to redeem Natasha’s actions – the trap throughout the play was just too well set.

Natasha didn’t sing the part that isn’t in the album (“nothing, it was nothing…”), which made me a bit sad.

The Duel

Let’s talk a bit about Pierre. Most of the time he’s sitting down in the middle circle, he has a drowsy, drunk look, as if almost falling asleep. In “Pierre” and “The Duel”, people don’t call him “old-man”, but refer to him rather as “imbecile” and “buffoon”. It makes him all the more pathetic in the club, dancing and drinking, pretending he belongs in the group, when deep down he very well knows everyone there is just laughing at him. And because at first glance he does look blind to the insults, people just find him more and more pathetic. In a way, this version of Pierre reminded me of Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot, but I will talk more about this in “Pierre and Anatole”. Also: “Oh, dear Andrei’s betrothed?” was ON POINT.

So, more examples of how this production was more explicit. Anatole says “I’ll possess her”, instead of “I’ll make love to her”. For contemporary audiences, the second one is an euphemism for the same action, but in the 19th century it’d be understood as “courting”. There’s an ambiguity in English which is lost in the Portuguese translation, and in this case it further condemns Anatole. The same happens in “Pierre”, for “he’s charming, he has no sex”, would have meant that Pierre had no gender, but in Portuguese they translated it clearly to mean that he no longer practices the action of having sex. I’m detailing this because I find translation fascinating and all in all, I think all these little changes helped set up Natasha and Pierre as a more obvious pairing than they originally are (genderless old-man vs sad buffoon... I mean, there is a different feel to it, isn’t there?).

A bit now about Helene. She wore tights, black boots, a bathing suit and an army’s jacket for all the “party” scenes. She was literally all out there. And while this contributes to making her more “slutty”, her reactions during the actual duel were quite redeeming. Before realizing that he had not been shot, Pierre crumbles into a semi-fetal-position, and so, adding to a very long cry when Dolokhov shoots, Helene also rushes to Pierre to make sure he’s okay. So yes, Helene is full of malice and loves tricking people so she can have things her own way, but she doesn’t want anyone to die. Not for her. When Anatole says that she “brings out the beast in men” and she replies with “what can I say, it’s a gift”, she seemed tired, to me. Like she has to keep this evil reputation and has maintained it for so long that at this point doesn’t even know how to act any other way, but is still capable of some regret. I don’t know, I like to think this about her.

When the duel is over, one of the extras gets out of the stage helping Dolokhov. They came right past me and couldn’t move through, it was too narrow for two guys at once, so the one carrying Dolokhov told me “excuse me, he’s badly wounded”. I moved out the chair, they passed, Dolokhov in pain, and this one interaction that I got made me extremely happy.

Talking to Pierre, Anatole says “be glad, YOU live to love one more time”. I’m telling you this show has a Pierretasha agenda.

Dust and Ashes

The beginning of the song was very good, more than ever I felt Pierre’s tiredness of living in ridicule, but I didn’t think the ending was as impactful as in English. My favorite line, “did I squander my divinity, was happiness within me this whole time?” didn’t make it into it, they translated to something I can’t quite remember. Now, Pierre sang “They say we are asleep until we LOVE”. Yes, this happened so it could fit into the syllables, but I really like this shift from romantic love to a more general love, maybe the same pure love I talked about in “No One Else”. And of course, by the end of the song, lights shifted to blue.

Sunday morning

I don’t have much to say, except that the three remained in the left stage, with Sonya holding two mirrors and Natasha a candle. We don’t see them going to church, it’s just mentioned.

Charming

There was no change of clothes nor Helene giving Natasha her necklace, but Helene’s actress gave a complete show. She was there using the entirety of the of the central stage, lights turned green and were flickering by the end, it was hypnotical and the song people applauded the most. There was this very funny moment when Helene starts raising her skirt and Natasha is blushing and thinking “wait, is she really doing it”, and then just rushes to her and puts her skirt down, embarrassed and smiling. 

The Ball

During the ball, Natasha wore a white and red gown, which matched perfectly with Anatole’s suit. You just really want Natasha to escape from Anatole’s clutches (I’m not going solely by my biased views. That’s the impression my aunt who had no idea of the story got. She really hated Anatole and really shipped Pierretasha). Throughout the song, Natasha is saying that she must leave him and other similar things. Then, in the end, after they kiss, Natasha says something in the lines of “I don’t leave him”, and so when they rush to leave the stage there’s this feeling I didn’t get before that maybe something more would happen between them. We know it isn’t the case, but for someone who was seeing it for the first time, it could have been ambiguous. The play had certainly been so far explicit enough for it to be a possibility.

 Act 2

Letters

           This one was very nice. Pierre was in the central upper stage, Natasha in the left, and Mary in the right. There were extras around them holding paper and a plume, writing the letters as the characters dictated. Pierre says he’s found the number of Beelzebub (which is me second favourite name for Satan after Mephistopheles) and actually says “six-hundred and sixty-six”, which brought some peace to my soul. When the Golden Trio sings together (Natasha, Pierre and Mary are a golden trio, hear me out), they’re not meeting round the circle and looking at each other in the eye, something I always loved about the Broadway version, but each in their own corner, the holophotes shining bright upon them. In a way, it intensified how lonely they were at that moment, while also hinting that they would come to cross paths in their parallel journeys.

While the Golden Trio is singing, Anatole and Dolokhov climb up the stage, and you see Dolokhov composing the loooooove letter. The letter then makes its way to Natasha, going through the hands of the people sitting nearer the upper part of the stages, and only gets to her when it’s time for her to reply. So, during the entire “Natalie, Natalie” thing, Anatole is in the central stage making sexual gestures. You really don’t want Natasha to fall for it. And then she does. Nothing new under the sun. Natasha and Anatole didn’t share the stage, Anatole remained in the central and Natasha in the left, glancing at each other voluptuously across the room. This happened a lot in the play in general, there’s much less people crossing one another when they are not next to each other physically.

Natasha and Sonya

Not much to say, it was heart-breaking and similar to Broadway.

Sonya Alone

It was beautifully sung and there was a sad purple lighting, but I think this song suffered a bit from translation. Instead of “I’ll stand in the dark for you”, Sonya would say “I’ll guide you through the darkness”, which for me is something less Sonya-like. I don’t think she believes she’s capable of guiding anyone, she herself is afraid of the dark, but even so she’ll stay there for her cousin, and for me that’s what makes the song so powerful.

Preparations

           The translation was surprisingly good, like in The Opera, it took me a while to remember it wasn’t in English. Dolokhov’s actor did an incredible job overall, and this song had one of the funniest scenes: instead of Natasha appearing to Anatole in a ghostly light and almost making it seem like he might care for her, Anatole sings that part to Dolokhov as if he were Natasha. He hugs him from behind and points out his “traits” suggestively (quel pied, quel regard!) while Dolokhov is just like “hey man, no homo now, I’m mad at you”. It was a great scene.

Balaga

           I must say that “Balaga” was the most well translated song, because just like in the original, I couldn’t understand a word of what was being said.

The Abduction

“Adeus meus bons ciganos, a festa agora é outra; adeus Matryosha, deixa eu te beijar; lembra de mim, Steshka, adeus, adeus, adeus; au revoir, meus bons ciganoooos, agora adeus, adeus, adeus”. I might have been the only one singing along to Anatole’s goodbye, but it was lovely. Then, everyone started dancing and they were so energetic and there was this violent orgy and one of the dancers was dressed up as a bear… yeah, we got some chaos. But I was sad that it wasn’t The Chaos we get on Broadway, once the other main characters didn’t join up. Marya was there, dancing by herself and having the time of her life around the left-side tables, while Helene, Anatole and Dolokhov were in the central stage doing what they are best at. Unfortunately though, at no moment did Helene come down to meet up with Marya, something I was actually hoping would happen. Now, I imagine there was someone dancing in the right-side as well, but I couldn’t see who they were. By the show’s logic, it’d have been Mary. If anyone knows, please share this info, I appreciate it, thanks a lot.

In My House

“Não entra no meu LAAARR, VermEeee”. “Verme” means worm. Another word they used at some point referring to Anatole was “crápula”, and I’ll adopt it from now on.

           Anatole runs from the left stage, where he had been face to face with Marya, and goes to the central one, where he’s still able to see Natasha, grab her hands and try to pull her, but a servant stops him. Anatole escapes leaving Natasha with the fur-cloak (which was actually just a mantle, because “casaco de pele” is too long).

           This song was not as scary as when Grace McLean sings it, but still amazing, and Natasha’s acting was heart-breaking, all of her a wounded bird.

A Call to Pierre

           Pierre’s “Whaaaaaaat” was very funny, he had been asleep when the servant called him and was probably facing now a hangover, so it sounded a lot more like someone who had been awoken in the middle of their sleep cycle and is still trying to decide whether they care enough about what is going on in real life, rather than sheer surprise. But then he goes to Marya and by then is fully energized and ready for the job.

           The “Natasha, and ANATOOOOLE KURAAAAGIINN” part was more sung than said with anger and disgust.

           Instead of “so I’m not the only man chained to a bad woman”, Pierre said “so I’m not the only one suffering in the hands of the Kuragin”, which I thought was a nice change. Pierre loves his Natasha and it’s counter-nature for him to vilify her.

Find Anatole

           When Pierre meets Anatole and Helene, he calls them “bad blood”. As you can see from the changes I’ve mentioned so far, the Kuragins were really set up as a team of vulgar evil incest-ish siblings.

Pierre and Anatole

           During the discussion, Pierre and Anatole stand on opposite sides of the main circle, just like in the duel. Pierre chocked Anatole Darth-Vader-style, and also holds an imaginary object to “smash his head like this”.

           So, in “The Duel” I mentioned that Pierre reminded me of Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot. In a nutshell, The Idiot is someone so good and pure that society can’t help but see him as pathetic and stupid. Before, Pierre was a bad kind of idiot, fooling around with people who despised him, but now he’s a good kind of idiot. When Pierre takes back his words and asks Anatole for forgiveness, the latter feels completely superior, like he’s just made a complete fool of Pierre, but the more arrogance he shows, the lower he gets. Anatole, in his small-mindedness, is incapable of perceiving the magnanimity of Pierre’s actions, and more than ever I felt how out-of-place Pierre was in this society. People will always see him as a buffoon, but at least now he can recognize in himself that it isn’t the case.

“Para PETERSBUUURGO” was great. Anatole’s actor in general did a wonderful job, he could hold very high notes and sometimes really sounded like Lucas musically.

Natasha didn’t appear taking poison, we only hear about it later through Sonya.

Natasha Very Ill

           Natasha, indeed, was very ill.

Pierre and Andrei

           This was a very emotional song. Maybe it was just me, but you could really see how heartbroken and shattered to pieces Andrei was. We don’t see him taking his father’s chair; instead, when he tells Pierre goodbye, in the upper part of the main circle, Natasha is there in the lower one, glancing at him. Their eyes meet. I died.

Pierre and Natasha

           Amazing, brilliant. My heart stopped during Pierre’s speech, it was so special to hear it word by word, in the language I had read the book. They’re standing next to each other and Pierre actually kneels down. He kisses Natasha’s hands, and she softly touches his face. Natasha cries “tears of gratitude, tears of tenderness, tears of LOVE” (romantically, or the “infinite heavens” type of love?). When Natasha leaves the room smiling, Pierre tries to get up, but stumbles and almost falls. He takes a long while trying to put on his cloak, but no one in the audience laughed. We just had silly smiles on our faces. It was magical to be so close to Natasha and Pierre that you could actually see their tears. I feel like my crops have been forever blessed.

The Great Comet of 1812

           Oh wow. So, the lightning. The lights don’t go fully out, as on Broadway. Instead, there’s this opaque white light and the comet is reflecting on the light-bulbs of the central “chandelier-complex”, turning everything silver. The sky Pierre describes, is not only starry, but the moon is also there, Natasha’s symbol, shining alongside the comet. And then guess what. The lights turned blue and Natasha was there across the main circle. Pierre and her look at each other and at the “chandeliers”, which are now lighting up yellow, bursting with new life… only, instead of “into a new life”, guess again what was it that Pierre said? “I. Woke. Up”. That was the final line. Pierre woke up to the sky, the sky Natasha used to live so vividly, and is now regaining the capacity to do so. Andrei’s sky, which he now couldn’t be further away from. This show really broke me.

 During the applauses, they all sing goodbye my gipsy lovers. I was singing along with them, even though I had no voice left from emotion. I looked around to see the faces and I don’t think anyone had cried, I hadn’t either, but people’s eyes were shining and we all smiled. 

10/10, because I will never give anything tgc-related a grade lower than that.

PS: sorry about grammar mistakes, I know my prepositions are a bit messed up.

[yashalex]

crash and burn, baby. crash and burn   [Chaters 5 - 8] Chaters 1 - 4 are here It’s not a problem when your best mate finds a new crush and forgets about you. It’s the problem when his crush takes an interest in you and you don’t really mind. Or: Lucas Lallemant, a new guy in the school, attracts Eliott’s best mate attention… and not just his.

Chapter 5 What can be better than coming home and finding Lucas Lallemant in your living room, right?

The weather was shitty. And it described Eliott’s mood perfectly. The rain couldn’t stop pouring, and it looked like the wind had a goal to blow away everything that it met on its way. Eliott really felt this atmosphere, especially when he was watching the nature powers taking control over the city out of the window of the cafe for the last half an hour. Unfortunately, no storm could stop his parents from seeing him, and he’s already agreed to it yesterday. Now he wasn’t sure that it was such a wise move, but he couldn’t change anything. He had to get his act together and deal with it.

“Are you sure that you’re alright?” His mother asked him once again, constantly keeping an eye on him. That was annoying.

“As I’ve already said,” Eliott highlighted this part of the sentence particularly as it really wasn’t the first time they’ve been discussing it that day. “I take my pills, don’t smoke and I don’t drink what I shouldn’t drink. I do everything by the book.”  In other words, he was living his new boring life of a perfect but sometimes fucked-up son.

“Eliott, I think that’s not what your mother meant,” His father noted, having grabbed Eliott’s mother’s hand. Eliott couldn’t shake the feeling that he was here more for her sake rather than his son’s. “You almost don’t talk with us anymore, so we have no idea what’s going in your life. You are even ignoring Lucile nowadays. So don’t act surprised when we become worried.” If his mother’s tone was soft and caring, Eliott’s father was speaking with clear condemnation in his voice.

“I’m sorry, but I literally have nothing to tell,” Eliott tried to explain what in reality was the truth. “I wake up, go to school, eat, come home, do my homework, eat and go to bed. Nothing exciting.” Even the thought about how meaningless his life has become was crushing him inside. That wasn’t a life for Eliott Demaury, but that was the life he had to choose.

“Darling, you still look very tired,” his mother couldn’t let it got.

“I just didn’t sleep well. That’s all.”

“Why? Is something bothering you?” His mother leaned over the table with deep concern in her eyes. And Eliott couldn’t stand this, so he looked down at his knees.

Of course, he did not intend to tell his parents what really has been keeping him up all night. He couldn’t tell them that one message from some boy was enough for him to lose his head. They’d have considered it as an alarm, and he couldn’t let it happen. If they found a reason to think that Eliott was in the zone of danger again, they would never leave him alone and that would literally kill him. He couldn’t be their captive anymore.

Of course, it wasn’t the only reason he kept silent about it… he also wasn’t ready to admit the truth himself. So that’s why he said what he’s made himself to believe in, “No. It’s just Emile came back home late, and he was very drunk, so I couldn’t concentrate on my sleep.” Partly that was the truth. Emile really returned late, and he clearly wasn’t sober, and he was making a lot of noises, so it sounded quite logical.

“Well, if it’s a problem to live with him now, then maybe you should consider coming back to us?” His mother suggested, and Eliott rolled his eyes. He knew that she would try this again. She never lost the hope to win him back. His mother wasn’t against Emile, but she did mind Eliott’s living apart from them. She didn’t understand. Actually, it was mainly his father, who let him go and made his mother accept it. Eliott really appreciated it.

“I’m fine with Emile, thanks.” He didn’t want to sound rude, but he was tired of this topic.

“Ok, if you say so.” His mother was upset, and she didn’t really try to hide it. But what Eliott could do? He had to choose what was the best for him, and living with his parents wasn’t even an option anymore.

“Actually, in that case, we have some news,” his father said, and suddenly he was looking very nervous. And Eliott’ mother’s face changed too. Apparently, Eliott was about to know the real reason why they wanted to meet him today. “I’ve got a job offer in Strasbourg. It’s only for six months, but it’s a good opportunity for…”

“Are you moving away?” Eliott interrupted him.

“Well, we’re only considering it. Nothing is decided, but I need to give an answer at the end of this month,” his father explained. And Eliott was amazed how worried his old man was. Even during the hardest times he always remained calm and sensible, but now his nerves began to take over him.

“That’s a good thing, right?” Eliott asked, and his father nodded his head.

“But it means that if your father agrees, we’ll have to leave at the end of the month,” his mother said.

“And you’re worried about me!” Eliott put two and two together. Of course, they haven’t said “yes” yet because of him. How stupid he was not to understand it straight away?

“Of course, we are!” His mother exclaimed. “Actually, we wanted to offer you to join us…” She murmured, and Eliott chuckled. Of course!

“But before you kick off, we know that you won’t agree. We are not stupid!” Eliott’s father meddled in faster than Eliott managed to say something.

“We don’t want you to think that we’re leaving you and that we’re bad parents…” His mother said, and the tears came to her eyes. Eliott knew that he needed to act immediately.

“You are being bad parents? Seriously?” He smiled and extended his hands to her. Their hands touched and she smiled at it. “You were the best parents and support I could wish for! You’ve done so much for me, and there is no way I would ever let you throw your life away because of me! So if you want to take this chance then take it. I will be alright. And I’m already eighteen so it won’t be a problem,” he said, and it looked like his words have worked. His parents looked relieved now.

“Are you sure?” Eliott’s father asked.

“Absolutely.” He smiled again, hoping that they would make the right decision after all. Their life would be so much better without him. And if they really began to consider running away now then they definitely should do it.

By the time Eliott got back home, he was drenched. It didn’t look like the rain was going to end any time soon and such word as «umbrella» was something unknown to him. Of course, he had to promise his parents that he would take a taxi for them to let him go, but that was another lie. He enjoyed such a chaotic whether too much to miss the moment of enjoying it fully. And was there any place that could have been better for it than a dark alley under the bridge? Eliott definitely didn’t think so. He was sitting there for hours, absorbing the atmosphere and abstracting himself from this world. And for a while, it worked. He forgot about all his concerns. But that was until he got back home.

“What the fuck?” He exclaimed when he saw a group of the boys with Emile in their living room. And that wasn't just any boys. It was Lucas and his mates. A tall, muscular black bloke, a skinny blonde with curly hair and glasses, another skinny guy with crazy hair and weird look on his face and Lucas. Lucas looking like an angel with his soft hair, charming smile and blue eyes. He was sitting on the floor together with Emile, and before Eliott turned up the company was loudly discussing something, looking at the boy.

“Eliott! What the fuck?! You’re all wet!” Emile shouted as soon as he saw Eliott. The guy jumped out on his feet and rushed to him.

“I’m fine. I didn’t know we have guests today.” Eliott ignored his friend’s concern.

“Well, we agreed to meet yesterday at the party and when the weather went to shit I suggested hanging out at ours. You don’t mind, right?”

Actually, Eliott did mind, and Emile probably has guessed it himself. That was one of the bad habits of Eliott’s best friend: he loved organizing stuff in the flat not asking what Eliott was thinking about it. And Eliott got used to it eventually, but seeing here the boy, who has become the reason for him not sleeping, was too much. But he had no energy for a fight either. Especially when there were people whom he knew nothing about near them.

“Whatever,” he muttered and went to his room, trying his best not to look at Emile’s new friends. But he felt how their eyes were watching him. How his eyes were still watching him.

Emile didn’t let him go so easily. He followed him to his room.

“Eliott, mate, are you alright?”

“Yes.” No, he actually wasn’t.

“How was the meeting with your parents?” Emile just couldn’t stop.

“Fine.” No, that was far away from fine.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Emile sounded too worried, it was only making Eliott angrier.

“No.” Eliott took off all his clothes and settled on his bed, having turned away from his friend. He hoped that he would take a hint. And he did.

“Ok, but if you want to talk, you know where I am,” Emile said, and Eliott’s heard the slam of the door.

He didn’t really know what was bothering him about Emile’s presence so much, but he didn’t want him near now. Not when he had a better company to spend his time with. And Eliott was alright on his own. He had no powers for any of his life’s shits right now. He just needed to rest, so he closed his eyes and dozed off.

Eliott didn’t know how much he slept, but when he woke up it was quite dark outside. At least he was feeling better now. And also he felt guilty because he was obviously unnecessary rude to Emile and maybe he wasn’t really welcoming with his new mates. That wasn’t right of Eliott, and he didn’t like that situation. So after a couple of minutes of thinking, he decided to go and fix this, at least with Emile.

While he was putting his clothes on, he couldn’t but noticed that it was suspiciously quiet outside of his room. It wasn’t in the style of Emile and his «quiet evening with the friends». Eliott even thought that the guys decided to change the location at the end, but decided to come out and check anyway. And as soon as he saw that the lights of the room were off, he was almost sure that the company’s gone, so when he saw a dark silhouette sitting on the couch, he jumped up.

“Fuck!” He whispered when Lucas turned his head and looked at him. “What the fuck are you doing here sitting in the dark?” Eliott asked, looking for the switch on the wall.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Lucas sounded really apologetic.

“And where are Emile and your friends?” Eliott asked and finally turned on the light. And the minute the boy’s face was lightened Eliott was shooked by it. Not by its beauty as usual but by its sadness, which was written all over it.

“The boys went home. I stayed with Emile for another round, and then he began to fall asleep and I led him to his bed. He can’t drink, right?” Lucas smiled at Eliott, but all Eliott could see were his eye. His eyes looked no blue but redd now. It looked like he was crying. “Sorry! You must be wondering what I'm still doing here.” Lucas giggled nervously, and that gave Eliott goosebumps. “I’m already leaving!” Lucas began to fuss looking for something around him.

“No!” Eliott said and it probably sounded too sharply as Lucas looked at him scared. As if he was caught at the crime scene. “You’ve been stalking me for days, so surely you won’t reject drinking with me, right?” Eliott grinned at the boy, and he looked at him confused.

“I thought you are not drinking?” He asked and Eliott smirked.

“Well, there are always exceptions. I had a really shitty day, so…”

“There is no problem which a couple of bottles of beer couldn’t solve.” The boy finished his sentence and smiled shyly. That was probably the cutest thing Eliott ever saw. And the fact that Lucas looked more relaxed now made him relax a little bit more too.

“You got it right.”

Eliott went to the fridge just to take two bottles of beers for him and Lucas. There was always beer in their fridge even if nobody drank it. That was in case of emergency and Eliott was happy that the boys didn’t drink it. Actually, he pretty sure that Lucas wasn’t even so drunk. Especially in comparison with what he saw at Emma’s party.

“Here.” He extended the boy a bottle and sat next to him.

There were still two sides fighting inside of him. One was telling him off for what he was doing, saying that he needed to let the boy go as he planned to do. And another one was protecting his decision as the boy didn’t look like it would have been a good idea to leave him alone. And Eliott preferred to listen to the second side.

“So are you going to explain to me know why you are ignoring my texts?” Lucas asked and at the moment a shy boy Elliott saw earlier disappeared. There was a challenge in Lucas’ eyes when he looked at him. And Eliott wondered how many sides did the boy actually have?

“That’s simple. I don’t know you. And my mother always taught me not to speak with strangers.” Eliott looked back at Lucas and made the first sip. The boy laughed. And Eliott wasn’t sure what was making him warm inside: the alcohol or this beautiful sound. “Now my turn to ask…” Eliott pretended like he was thinking about something while a real question was already on his mind. “Are your friends think that I’m prick now?” He couldn’t say that he cared, but all his friends knew Lucas' gang already and Eliott didn’t even try to find out their names.

“Well, they certainly think that you’re weird.” Lucas smiled.

“And what about you? Do you think I’m weird?” Eliott had no idea where it came from.

“Maybe. But I don’t know you too,” Lucas said thoughtfully. “But if it’s the case, then it’s not a problem… I like weird people.” Now it wasn’t a simple conversation, once again the boy was flirting with him. Absolutely unconscionable. And Eliott couldn’t deny that he was enjoying it more than he should have. “My question now. «Polaris». That’s a really cool thing. Genius I’d say.  As soon I saw it, I’ve probably become your number one fan, but I need to know the story behind it. So tell me what’s the story?”

Hearing how Lucas was calling the project of Eliott’s heart something genius made him feel butterflies in his stomach. Of course, it wasn’t the first time when Eliott heard some good stuff about his work, as his friends were really supportive of it, but Lucas’ words had a totally different effect on him. Somehow, it meant more than everything he’s ever heard, and he could tell that it was wrong, but Elliott couldn’t stop his heart from feeling what it was feeling.

“Well, it’s a story about a lost boy, who’s afraid of light and who’s hiding from everything in his life, until he meets…”

“A creature who’s afraid of darkness. And to be together they need to come overcome their fears. I know that.” Once again, Lucas finished his words and it felt natural. “I want to know the story behind it. What did make you create it? What was your inspiration?”

Many people asked him this question. A lot of people wanted to know the story. A lot of people wanted to look like they cared. But Lucas was the first one who looked like he really meant it. Even Eliott’s friends couldn’t make him believe in their sincere interest. They were just good friends to him. But one look from Lucas was enough to know that it all was genuine. However, «Polaris» was still something too personal. He knew that the minute he’d tell the boy what was oh his heart, there would be something between them that he couldn’t erase. That would be here forever, and he couldn’t have had this moment forever.

“I don’t know you,” he said like that was an answer, and the sadness in the boy’s eyes made his heart ache. They were literally strangers, but the things Eliott felt… that wasn’t like he’s just met the boy a few days ago. That was something surreal. And he was scared of it.

“That’s alright. I understand. ” The boy tried to act normal, but he couldn’t hide upset in his voice. And Eliott couldn’t stop feeling guilty. “I still think it deserves more recognition. I think your works deserve more recognition. You’re really talented. Would be a shame if it would go to waste.” Lucas made a sip, but Eliott forgot about his own bottle in his hand. Lucas was the only thing that got his attention.

“Thanks,” he answered simply, having no desire to drag with this topic. “And what about you? Do you have any talents?” Eliott leaned his head to the left and Lucas took a few moments to think. Now he reminded of the child who tried to find something in his head, which won’t disappoint, but surprise. And he succeeded.

“I used to play the piano once!” He admitted, having smiled. He was satisfied with himself. And Eliott was surprised, Lucas didn’t look like the piano guy. “My mother played a lot when I was a child, so she taught me a couple of melodies.” Eliott got the impression that the boy wasn’t with him at this moment. He probably has remembered that time. And by his wide smile that was obviously some happy times.

“Now I really need to hear you’re playing,” Eliott admitted and Lucas blushed. At this point, Eliott was sure that it was alcohol acting and no him. And he didn’t really drink that much.

“Well, I play only for really close people and you…” Lucas leaned his head on the sofa. Eliott was feeling how his eyes were traveling around his body. And that realization made Eliott’s blood boil.

“Let me guess.” He smiled sneakily. “You don’t know me?” Eliott raised his eyebrows. Lucas burst into laughter and in the second Eliott joined him. He didn’t feel so comfortable in somebody’s company for ages.

“Shame, you don’t give me a chance,” Lucas said when he managed to calm down. He said it without any anger or bitterness, that was just a sad fact.

“I wish I could,” Eliott said more than enough, and Lucas nodded his head as if he understood. Eliott wished he didn’t. Part of him wanted for Lucas to start asking questions and for Eliott to blab everything and then somehow the problem would have sold itself, but it didn’t happen. Lucas was a clever boy and he clearly knew when to stop. Eliott hated it because it made him admire the boy even more.

“I think it’s time for me to go.”

Lucas stood up and once again started looking for something on the sofa. It turned out to be his phone. He silently put his bottle on the table and when to the door. By the time he was ready to leave, Eliott’s already joined him. But he still had one last question.

“Lucas,” he called for a boy and Lucas turned to him. He looked tired. “Why did you really stay here after Emile fell asleep?” They both knew that this question was still in the air, and Eliott would never forgive himself if he hadn’t tried.

“I’d answer this question, but…” Lucas smiled at Eliott, but that was a sad smiled. “I think you already know what my response would be.” With that, he left the flat, having left Eliott alone. And Eliott smirked when his word finally got to him.

Maybe it was the alcohol and maybe it was Eliott’s confused emotions, but that night he sat to draw again. That was something simple but at the same time one of the hardest things to explain he’s ever done. That was a boy with no eyes, no lips, no nose, just an accurate shape of the face, ears and messy hair with the big question mark in the middle. He took a picture of it and posted it straight away. Before he went to bed, he added a caption to it:

«I want to know you»

Chapter 6 Lucas ignores everyone, including Eliott and that is not what the guy expected... especially after THAT post

First thing in the morning Eliott reached for his phone. He had tones of notifications after his last post and a couple of messages. Some of them were from Idriss and Sofiane.

                                                     [Idriss]

what is this post, man? I thought you and that chick from the party is the thing now explain pls

                                                   [Sofiane]

I just hope it is not what I think it is

Sofiane’s message could have concerned him, but at that moment Eliott couldn’t care less about it. He was disappointed by the fact he didn’t get the reaction he wanted. Lucas didn’t respond. Of course, he wasn’t really thinking straight when he decided that this move with a drawing would be a great idea. But after the strange evening, they had he just couldn’t let the situation to end with him closing the door. He had to do something more and he did. And surprisingly, he had no regrets in the morning, just the frustration of not getting a desired result. However, he wasn’t even sure what he hoped the boy’s reaction would have been like. In fact, he couldn’t even tell if Lucas saw his post at all. The boy wasn’t following him, and if he wasn’t a stalker, there were all the chances for him to miss it.

“You’re an idiot, Eliott, ” he murmured, having thrown his phone aside. Yeah, Lucas showed some interest before, but Eliott had probably scared him off already. And probably that was for the better. Still, it didn’t change the fact that he was disappointed.

“Please, kill me!” Emile entered Eliott’s room, moaning and holding on to his head. He fell on the bed next to Eliott, looking miserable.

“How much did you drink?” Eliott asked with a smirk. Unconsciously he noted that yesterday Lucas looked like he didn’t drink at all while Emile was looking like death now. And that was his normal reaction when he drunk above normal.

“I don’t remember,” his friend groaned. Eliott couldn’t hold his laugh. “You know, it’s not funny! I don’t even remember falling asleep! How did I end up in my bed?”

“Lucas helped you to get there,” Eliott explained and Emile looked at him worried.

“Oh God, I just hope I haven’t done anything stupid. Otherwise, I would never forgive myself!” Emile said dramatically and Eliott couldn’t but rolled his eyes.

“He seemed fine when he left. So I wouldn’t be too worried about it if I was you.” Eliott hoped that Emile won’t ask him any more questions about it.

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about it. He doesn’t answer my calls and messages.” Emile was upset. But that got Eliott intrigued.

“Maybe he didn’t check his phone yet?” He suggested and that’s probably been said for his own sake rather than Emile’s. If Lucas didn’t touch his phone yet, there was a possibility that he could still see Eliott’s post later.

“Well, maybe.” Emile agreed while the hope appeared in Eliott’s soul again. “But he acted really weird yesterday. He was alright at first, we all were drinking, chatting and laughing and then he got some text and something’s changed…” Emile paused for a second. Eliott waited as he really wanted to know what his friend meant. “He stopped drinking and that was alright, but still he wasn’t with us anymore. He’s become really distant. Actually, I was surprised when he agreed to stay a little bit longer when his friends left. But once again it was mainly me talking… well as far as I remember.”

“That sounds weird.” Eliott summarized and Emile nodded his head.

Now Eliott had no doubts that the boy didn’t really want to go home last night. And he began to wonder if he should have persuaded him to stay. There was something in all this that was making him worried. And the fact that Lucas didn’t get in touch (at least with Emile) didn’t make anything easier. Some really bad thoughts began to enter Eliott’s mind.

“But at least now I’m pretty sure that he’s a gay!” Emile smiled, and Eliott couldn’t understand how he managed not to get worried as he was. Didn’t he see that Lucas’ strange behavior could mean something serious? How could he think about something else?

“Why is it?” Eliott sounded really disinterested as all his thoughts were consumed with worrying about Lucas’ well-being. He was feeling guilty for letting him go when it was obvious that there was something wrong. He wanted to kick himself for his stupidity.

“Well, I suppose he doesn’t really hide it. We were discussing if someone got boys’ attention in the school, I started it of course, and Lucas said that there was someone nice. And Yann asked “Who is he? Do we know him?” and I guess that was a confirmation. Too bad that he didn’t say who it was because you came and interrupted the moment!”

It took some time for Eliott to realize that Emile was looking at him with the claim.

“Well, sorry.” Eliott didn’t mean it. It was his house and he had every right to come whenever he wanted.

“That’s okay.” Emile didn’t even notice Eliott’s apathy to this topic. “How do you think what are the chances that this mystery boy could have been me?” Once again, Emile was looking at Eliott, but he just shrugged his shoulders. Actually, he was pretty sure that he knew what were the chances, but he doubted that his friend was ready to hear it.

The thing is that Eliott couldn’t take his mind of Lucas all Sunday. He didn’t answer any of Emile’s messages and he didn’t pick up his phone. That was clearly upsetting for Emile but he tried to keep it together. He was still feeling bad so he spent half of the day in his bed, and Eliott was happy with it. By the evening Eliott didn’t even expect to get any response of the boy anymore and that was right of him because he didn’t get any. But still, troubled thoughts couldn’t leave him alone. He thought about all worst-case scenarios, which could have happened that night and that was terrifying. But luckily at the dinner, Emile gave him information which let him breathe again.

“I texted Yann today to ask him about Lucas. He said that everything is alright and he just lost his phone. So I really had no reason to panic.” Emile smiled and relief was written all over his face.

“Well, that explains a lot,” Eliott commented, though that wasn't like that. Something didn’t sit right with him in this situation. And that was the reason why he spent half of the night awake. Again.

Lucas was the first thing Eliott saw when he and Emile came to school. And Emile clearly wasn’t so attentive to his surroundings as he continued to talk about some Biology test he had to pass. Probably, Eliott should have said something about Lucas being close to them, as Emile mentioned this morning his desire to talk to the boy after their little party, but he didn’t do it. Instead, he began to explore him with his eyes. Lucas didn't see them as he was too busy looking at his phone. Eliott was pretty sure that it was the same phone he’s allegedly lost. But that wasn’t his main concern right now. What really got him worried was that Lucas looked tired. Exhausted even. His swollen face and large shadows under eyes made Eliott think that he hadn’t slept for days. Once again, it returned him to the night the boy left their flat. The night Eliott knew should have ended differently.

“Emile! Eliott! Wait!” Idriss’ voice called them and that attracted Lucas’ attention. The boy looked in their direction and his and Eliott’s eyes met, as he was still watching him. He obviously was caught. Lucas looked at him for several seconds and then he grabbed his bag and rushed to the school as if he was running away from them. From Eliott.

“Wow, mate, you look like death!” Idriss said to Eliott and he was right. A sleepless night didn’t look good on him. “Was it your girl who didn’t let you sleep all night? Or was it that mystery boy?” Idriss winked at him and Eliott rolled his eyes. He would have been happy no to have this conversation right now.

“What is he talking about?” Emile asked Eliott, looking like he’d missed something. And that was really the case. Despite Emile being always on the phone all Sunday, he didn’t see Eliott’s post. At least he didn’t ask anything about it. That wasn’t like Emile at all, but he was too busy waiting for Lucas respond, so that was understandable. And Eliott considered himself lucky because of it before Idriss ruined everything.

“Are you seriously telling me that you didn’t see his post?” Idriss exclaimed, and Emile shook his head. The phone was already in his hands and Elliott's page was open. That meant troubles. Eliott really should have deleted it. Posting it was a big mistake. Especially when it didn’t even reach his goal.

“Wow! Who is this guy? Do we know him?” Emile looked Eliott excited.

“It’s nobody." Eliott continued to go towards the school, trying to avoid his friends’ gazes.

“He said that it’s from some song which inspired him, but that sounds like shit,” Idriss told the story which Eliott tried to sell to him all yesterday.  Obviously, he failed. However, it really sounded too fake. He really could have made up something better.

“Of course, this is shit!” Emile agreed, trying to keep up with Eliott. “You need to tell the truth!” He demanded, but Eliott speeded up and left his friends behind. He wasn’t in the mood for this now. Or ever. “You won’t be able to run away from it forever, Eliott Demaury!” Emile shouted to him, but Eliott knew it already.

During the lunch Emile kept asking Eliott about his mystery post and that was exhausting. It went to the point that Eliott stopped talking at all, but it didn’t stop Emile. He was pushing and pushing and pushing and that was driving Eliott mad. Sometimes he was too much. And Eliott didn’t know what was it, his shaking body or red with anger eyes, but Sofiane got the vibe in time to distract Emile and save them from the future catastrophe.

“Emile, you better tell us why you aren’t eating with your best friends now?”

Sofiane and Idriss really weren’t impressed when they knew how Emile spent his Saturday evening. And they weren’t offended by the fact that he was with other guys but with him not inviting them.

“Don’t be jealous, Sofiane, I promise next Saturday I’m all yours!” Emile winked to his friend and smiled.

“At least tell me that it wasn’t all for nothing!” Idriss said. And Eliott couldn’t but notice that he was more active in their conversation today. That was a pleasant thing to see.

“Well, now I know that Lucas is gay,” Emile revealed.

“That’s a good thing, right?” Idriss asked with the full mouth.

“Maybe, yeah, but I still have no idea if I have a chance or not.” Emile shrugged his shoulders. “He said that he liked someone from our school, but the chances that it would be me are minimal. I prefer to be realistic.” Emile didn’t exactly sound sad, but there were some notes of desperation in his voice.

“So he didn’t say who it was?” Sofiane asked and Eliott was sure that he was looking at him.

“No, Eliott came in at this moment and we forgot about it after. And then I got so drunk that I don’t even remember how Lucas led me to bed! What a shame!” Emile closed his face with hands, he was blushing.

“I guess he didn’t join you then?” Idriss joked and that was the unpleasant thing for Eliott to imagine. He squeezed the fork in his hand tight.

“You’re so funny!” Emile said sarcastically and Idriss laughed. “No, thank God, Eliott woke up and shut the door behind him. Otherwise, we would have looked like the worst hosts ever!”

Eliott was begging inside for Emile not to drag his name in it, but he wasn’t that lucky. And he knew that he had a problem in Sofiane’s face once again. He had probably already put two and two together and figured all out. Eliott had no doubts about it, especially when he caught Sofiane’s eyes on him again. That was one hell situation.

“Did you talk to him since?” Idriss continued with the conversation, looking really invested in his mate’s life. That was obvious that Emile really liked his attention.

“I tried to, but it turned that he’d lost his phone, so he had no chance to answer. And I saw the boys today, but not him, so I’m still waiting for my opportunity.”

The strange thing was that Eliott didn’t see Lucas too. He saw his friends who were usual freaky themselves but not the blue-eyed boy. And if Eliott hadn’t seen him in the morning he would have thought that the boy wasn’t at school at all. That got him worried all over again.

The rest of the lunch went fine. Sofiane was telling them about the dance festival he visited on Saturday and Idriss was complaining about his parents, about how they were unfair to him, wishing for him to study better and always comparing him to Imane. That was an eternal drama of their family. And all this time Emile was constantly looking around in the attempts to find Lucas’ gang, but they weren’t anywhere seen. Eliott noticed it too.

That was when they were leaving the canteen when they finally met the guys, Lucas included. They were out of the door when they heard loud screams and suddenly someone’s body bumped into Eliott. And that wasn’t just somebody, that was Lucas. Lucas who was pushed backward by the blond boy with glasses and who was ready to rush back to him with his fists. And as soon as Eliott’s got what was about to happen, he grabbed him by his elbows from behind and pulled him closer to himself, and that prevented Lucas’s fist from meeting with the blond guy’s face.

“What the fuck? Let me…” Lucas began, but Eliott didn’t give him a chance to end.

“Calm down!” He said firmly and the boy definitely recognized his voice. Lucas obeyed and stopped kicking. The blond guy visibly calmed down too.

“What the hell is happening here?” Another friend of Lucas (that was Yann, as far as Eliott remembered) ran to them, looking worried and confused.

“You better ask your fucking best friend!” The blond guy shouted. “We all have problems at home, but it doesn’t mean you need to be a prick all day!” Now he was looking at Lucas, and the boy began to move angrily again, but Eliott didn’t give him an opportunity to do anything, having pulled him even closer.

“Don’t.” He whispered to his ear, and once again Lucas obeyed. He was a good boy.

“Bas, take Arthur away,” Yann’s said to another guy of their gang who just came, looking baffled. He just nodded his head, grabbed the blond guy by the hand and did what he’s been told.

“I think you can let him go now, Eliott,” Sofiane said when the boys were out of Lucas’ reach. And Eliott let go of the boy, trying not to think about how pleasant it was to be so close to him. Even despite the circumstances. He would sell his soul just to feel and enjoy it a couple of seconds more.

“Are you alright?” Emile jumped out in front of Lucas and Eliott had to make one step backward.

“Yeah, why I wouldn’t be?” He answered, looking a little bit shattered. “Sorry that you witnessed that,” Lucas said, looking at no one in particular. As if he was embarrassed by what’s happened.

“But thank you for stopping it,” Yann said looking at Eliott. “Boys, yeah? Everything will be alright between them in the morning.” The guy was smiling, but that wasn’t sincere. It was impossible not to notice the worry in his eyes.

“Yeah, of course,” Eliott smiled at him. He was sure that his smile has never been so fake.

“Ok, Lucas, come or we will be late.”

Lucas took his stuff, which was spread over the floor, and left together with his mate. And Eliott couldn’t stop thinking about one thing: the boy didn’t look at him even once.

The accident after lunch couldn’t leave Eliott's mind all day. He kept turning in his head over and over again what he's managed to see and that had no sense. Lucas and this boy, Arthur, looked quite friendly before. Their whole gang seemed like a company of really good buddies, that’s why it was so surprising to witness such a scene. And Emile couldn’t stop talking about it too, trying to contact Lucas again but getting nothing back. He didn’t even try to hide his upset over it anymore, as half of the evening he was walking around the flat complaining about everything. And Eliott was hiding in his room from him when he decided to do something that he knew would be a mistake. But after today he had to do something to reach the boy, he was too worried. So he opened Lucas page and after a few seconds of looking at it he pushed “follow”.

When he realized what he’s done, he threw away his phone on the bed, having no will to look at the boy’s page anymore. He knew that Lucas was out of reach with Emile and hardly Eliott could have been an exception. That was obvious that he was going through some shit time in his life and he probably had no time on stupid Instagram. And now Eliott thought about himself as stupid, as he with his own hands organized himself a real torture. There was no way he could have lived in peace after that until Lucas would have accepted his request. And Eliott began to feel anxiety over the thought that it could never happen. That’s why he jumped when he’s heard vibration, which was a sign of new notification. But he didn’t hurry to check it, as he was sure it was something else. Lucas couldn’t have accepted it so fast. The second vibration followed shortly after that. And once again Eliott made himself believe that if he would look now, he would be only disappointed. But when there was a third vibration, he knew that he was too weak to handle it, so he finally grabbed his phone, having closed his eyes. He counted to three, made a deep breath and opened his eyes again.

lucallemant accepted your request

lucallemant started following you

lucallemant I want to know you too

Chapter 7 When Lucas needs help Eliott comes to the rescue... even when he had no intentions to.

Eliott wished Lucas’ message managed to change something in their relationships, but it didn’t. They were still in some strange zone, where they were beating around the bush, doing nothing. Well, actually Eliott was the one who was doing nothing.  The reason for it was absurdly stupid: he didn’t know what he should do. He got the message he wanted and then he reached a deadlock. He never thought about his future actions, and it failed him. So that night he left this problem for the morning, having decided against texting the boy back. Though he explored Lucas’ page from top to bottom just to state two facts: these photos really told nothing about him, and he was too beautiful for this world. So basically by the end of the day, Eliott knew nothing new.

In the morning he came to the conclusion that there was no point in answering him now when he was about to go to school anyway. Eliott thought to catch him somewhere and talk, but he still didn’t have any exact plan on his mind. He decided to improvise. And that once again was an absolutely dumb idea.

Eliott wasn’t the only one who was determined to have a conversation with Lucas. Emile was desperate to have a chance for a face-to-face chat with the boy. Lucas still didn’t answer him, and, as Eliott’s got his response, he’s gotten a pretty clear idea that the boy was ignoring Emile on purpose. And Eliott had mixed feelings about it. Part of him, an egoistic part, was glad to hear that he was the only one Lucas answered to (at least in their flat). But another side, which was responsible for his relationships with friends, didn’t like that at all. Eliott didn’t know the reason why Lucas suddenly decided to break off the contact with Emile but his best friend felt awful because of it, and that was making Eliott feel uneasy.

But Emile was a brave guy and when he saw an opportunity to clarify the situation, he took it. Unlike Eliott, who had seen Lucas three times in the morning and couldn’t bring himself to approach him. And now Lucas was sitting in the canteen alone with his lunch (his friends haven't been seen around), so Emile stood up with his tray and went towards the boy’s table. Idriss and Sofiane were watching the scene with interest while Eliott tried to ignore all the bad thoughts which were coming on his mind. And there were a lot of them.

“How do you think does he have a chance? It doesn’t look like the guy is interested,” Idriss said, eating his fries. Emile has been already near Lucas’ table. The boy lifted his head, smiled at him politely, said something and Emile finally sat down.

“Yeah, it looks like Emile is the only one who has a crush, but we know him. If he wants something, he can easily get it. He knows some ways,” Sofiane answered, and Eliott didn’t like the sound of it. As if Lucas’ opinion didn’t matter at all. “And what do you think?” Sofiane asked Eliott and that was a clever move, as he obviously still had his suspicions about Eliott’s connection with Lucas.

“My main priority is for him not to suffer at the end,” Eliott was staring back at Sofiane, trying to prove his point. Though the truth was that he’s already fucked it up. “I don’t want Dominic situation to repeat.”

“Oh mate, I don’t think that someone would be able to surpass this asshole. Especially not this cinnamon roll,” Idriss tried to joke, but his attempt failed. This was impossible to find the situation of the past funny.

“Dominic looked like a nice bloke too,” Sofiane noted fairly. “We all know that it doesn’t mean anything nowadays.”

“Well, at least it looks like Lucas is gay, so one less thing to worry about, right?” Idriss concluded and Sofiane and Eliott said nothing, not wishing to continue with this topic.

«The times of Dominic» were dark times. The first serious relationship of Emile became a real nightmare for all of them. The hell the group of friends went through, trying to save Emile from that mess, was something neither of them wanted to remember. Especially Emile. He was really traumatized by everything that’s happened, and nobody knew if he was really ready for a real relationship now. And if a crush for a week didn’t bother anyone, Lucas was a different story. Everyone saw that Emile was looking at him the way he looked at Dominic once and that couldn’t but bother his friends. And Eliott couldn’t ignore the fact that he was making the situation only worse, but he couldn’t be blamed for having his own crush. That wasn’t something he could control.

Emile came back to them in five minutes with a smile on his face. That meant that everything went well, and he was happy with the result of his and Lucas’ conversation.

“Well?” Idriss was looking at Emile with anticipation. “Did he explain his behavior? Did he say why he ignored you?”

“Yeah,” Emile answered calmly. “And now I think I like him anymore.” He sounded like a mystery, and Elliot rolled his eyes at his friend's unnecessary dramatics. He just wanted to hear what happened.

“Spill!” Elliot wasn’t the only one who wasn’t in the mood for Emile’s games. Idriss wanted answers too. Sofiane was the only one who was distracted by something, which was happening behind Eliott’s back. And Eliott decided that it wasn’t worthy of his attention.

“He was honest with me,” Emile began. “He said that he had some problems at home and troubles with his study, so he just didn’t want to chat with anyone, including me. He said that he was sorry, but that’s the way his brain works sometimes and I shouldn’t take it personally.”

“That sounds like he’s a human,” Idriss commented and Emile nodded his head in agreement.

“And did he say what family problems he has?” Eliott asked because that was the only thing that mattered to him now. He suspected that something was happening in the boys’ house, and now he was anxious to know what that was.

“No,” Emile shook his head, but he didn’t look like he was disappointed with this fact. That was what Eliott felt. “We are not so close for him to tell me his family stories, however…” Emile smiled mysteriously. Eliott felt that he wasn’t ready to hear what was coming, but did he even have a choice? “I asked him if he wanted to spend some time with me this week, and he agreed!”

Emile looked like a happy puppy, who’s just got his favorite snack. Idriss and Sofiane began to cheer for him immediately as if some time ago they didn’t discuss that there was a possibility of Lucas not being interested in Emile. Eliott tried to look happy for his friend too, but his eyes were on the Lucas’ table, which was empty now. In a way, Eliott couldn't shake the feeling that he deserved it after waiting for so long.

Eliott and Emile stayed until the late at Sofiane’s house with Idriss, playing x-Box and eating pizza. That was a good evening between four friends with discussing some stupid things, school, girls and boys. And Lucas, of course, but that was the part of their conversation in which Eliott was minimally involved. He had no desire to discuss what Emile had to do impress Lucas. Idriss and Emile didn’t even notice his apathy, but Sofiane did. Of course. Though Eliott managed to avoid staying with him alone during the evening, so he was alright, and when the topic’s changed, he came back to them.

Eliott and Emile were on their way home when Eliott felt that his friend began to glaze funnily at him. At first, he thought that he started imagining things but the more glances he caught, the more he was certain that Emile had something on his mind. And usually he wouldn’t have given this a second thought as the weird behavior was a part of Emile’ nature but this time there was something else in his attitude. He was acting shifty, messing with the bracelet on his hand and licking his lips every five seconds as though he wanted to say something but couldn’t brace himself to do that.

“What’s wrong?” Eliott was the first who started a conversation, having decided to save Emile from his misery. He looked at him, surprised, clearly not expecting that Eliott would notice his odd behavior. Eliott's nearly laughed at that.

“Nothing,” his friend shrugged his shoulders in the most unconvincing way. Eliott raised his eyebrows at him. The thought that Emile believed that Eliott would buy this bullshit was hilarious. “Ok. You got me!” Emile cried out and put his hands up in the defeat. Eliott couldn’t but chuckled at that.

“Then you better tell me what’s bothering you!” He said and Emile exhaled a nervous breath.

“You won’t like it.” He warned Eliott.

“Well, try me.” There was no chance that Eliott would have let it go. He sort of felt that there was something important for Emile that he wanted to say. That was in his brown eyes. Something was clearly bothering him, and Eliott wouldn’t have been his best friend if he hadn’t asked what it was. Though he still had some fears that it was connected to someone who he didn’t want to think about at that moment.

“Right… tell me are we alright?” Finally, Emile asked his question, and that made Eliott stop, surprised. That was something he certainly didn’t see coming.

“What do you mean?” He decided to clarify, as he doubted that he’s heard his friend’s question right. Emile was shifting from one foot to another, looking at everything else but Eliott.

“I just can’t stop but feeling that you’re distancing yourself from me these days,” he admitted, having said that so quietly that Eliott’s hardly managed to catch his words. “I know that I was out of reach myself because of Lucas but still… even when we’re together, it’s not like you're with me and the guys. And Idriss noticed that too.” The thought that his friends were discussing him behind his back made Eliott frown and feel uncomfortable in his stomach. And even if Emile’s notice the changes in Eliott’s face, it didn’t make him stop as he continued, “And I know that sometimes you’re like that, that’s alright, but when we are alone in the flat it doesn't change. And it was never like that before. We used to talk for hours and hours, sharing with everything and now it’s disappeared. And I don’t get why, that’s all.” Emile sounded upset and Eliott’s got where this all came from. He would have lied if he had said that he hadn’t noticed these changes too. Of course, something was different now and the reason was simple – they both laid an eye on the same guy. And of course, it was the thing Eliott couldn’t have told this to his friend.

“I just had a couple of difficult days, that’s all. It’s nothing to do with you, I promise,” he lied, trying to sound as convincing as it was only possible.

“Are you sure? Because if I’ve done something wrong then you better tell me!” Emile murmured, and Eliott felt guilty because he really did everything he could to avoid his friend’s company recently. The thing was that ELiott hoped that Emile wouldn’t notice it as he was occupied with thoughts of Lucas. Well, that was a naïve thing to believe in.

“It’s not you, believe me!” Yeah, it wasn’t him. It was Lucas. Lucas was doing it with them. And the worst thing was the Eliott had no idea how to stop it. He didn’t have it in him to stop it.

“Ok.” It seemed like Eliott’s words did its magic on Emile. He looked more relaxed now. But he clearly hasn’t finished yet. “One last question.” He promised and Eliott could only guess what it would be. “Your meeting with parents. I know you don’t like being pushed but you didn't say a word about it and that makes me worry. Was it really alright?”

That was easy not to tell about Eliott’s meeting with his parents when nobody asked him about it. Emile had other things on his mind and Eliott didn’t really want to bother him with his worries. And that was even easier like that. The less he was talking about that, the less he was thinking about his parents’ news. And it suited him fine, so he had to lie once again.

“Don’t worry, everything is fine.” Eliott gave him one of his smiles, which was absolutely fake, and the topic was closed. They continued their way to home, discussing that they really should organize a boy party with only two of them, beer and pizza. That’s been a while.

He and Emile were living in a nice and quiet area, so it was usually calm at nights and there were rarely some suspicious faces in the street. That’s why Eliott tensed when he saw some dark silhouette was hiding from them behind the house.

“You go and I need to drop by the pharmacy for a second,” Eliott said and Emile looked at him surprised.

“Can’t it wait till tomorrow?” He asked.

“No, it can’t.” Eliott's voice sounded severe, and Emile just shrugged his shoulders and went to the door while Eliott went further.

Maybe, it wasn’t the best idea to follow some stranger just because his heart was telling him to do that, but that was too late to think about it now. Eliott could only hope that he wouldn’t be beaten up, especially when there was nothing to steal from him apart from his keys, and they could be to any flat. If the person didn’t know and wait for him specifically, of course… he’s really been watching too many crime dramas recently. Eliott went around the corner carefully and saw a small figure sitting next to the wall. The person was sitting, having pulled his knees to his torso and laid his head on them with a hood on it. And as the face was hidden from the view Eliott couldn’t tell if he knew the man or not.

“Sorry, are you alright?” He asked, being cautious. It still could have been some trick to catch him off the guard. But as soon as the boy lifted his head, Eliott felt stupid for thinking that. “Lucas?” He asked astonished, looking at the swollen from crying face of the boy. He was still crying. “What’s happening? What are you doing here?” Eliott started to panic as visibly the boy wasn’t alright at all. He sat across from him and grabbed his face, making Lucas look straight at him. “What’s happened?”

“I had nowhere else to go,” the boy whispered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” Lucas was trying to stop sobbing but the emotions were taking over him. Eliott was hurting just from seeing this.

“That’s alright. You can come…” Suddenly Eliott noticed Lucas' knuckles on his right hand with scratches and blood on them. “Lucas, how did you get that? Did you have a fight with someone?” Eliott remembered the scene with Arthur boy from the other day, and that scared him.

“Yeah,” Lucas murmured. “With the wall. I won,” Lucas tried to joke and that calmed Eliott down a little.

“You need to show it to the doctor,” he declared, being worried that something could have been broken or some infection could have gotten in the wound. That looked too dangerous.

“No, I won’t go to the hospital. And don’t even argue with that. I won’t go!” Lucas decided to show his stubborn side, and Eliott felt that there was no point on insisting on it.

“At least let’s go in the flat and clear the wound,” he suggested.

“Ok,” Lucas agreed. “Just give me a couple of minutes.”

Lucas was almost calm now, the moment of his hysteria came to the end, and Eliott could breathe again. He decided not to push pressure on the boy and give him some space. He sat down next to him, leaning his head on the wall of the building and not caring about the dirty ground. Lucas was more important now. Lucas’s changed his position too, having sat the same way as Eliott. They were both staring forward with their heads being a couple of inches apart.

“My mother is ill,” Lucas said when he finally stopped shaking. Eliott nodded his head, having shown that he was listening to him. “It's not some virus or something like that, she’s mentally ill.” These words made Eliott’s body tense. Whatever the boy was going to say next, he was afraid to hear the worst. “At first it was alright, I and my father were coping pretty well, but with time her state was getting worse and worse. She was screaming a lot, cursing, trying to run away from us and there were times when she could hit me or dad, and that became too much for us.” Lucas was frowning, and Eliott felt like his heart froze and he stopped breathing. He couldn’t believe that it was happening to him. “We had to put her in a special clinic. That was safer for her and for us, and I really thought that everything would be alright soon, but…” Lucas fell silent, trying to find the words.

“You still had troubles with her mental state being like this?” Eliott knew that he was risking, but he needed to know the answer just to breathe again. To have hope. Or to lose it forever.

“What? No! No way!” Lucas exclaimed. The boy looked very offended by the idea.

“Sorry,” Eliott said quietly while he was ready to burst into tears because the weight was lifted off his shoulders. At least part of it.

“Nah, that’s alright. And there is a real problem with the acceptance of my mother’s state. But that’s not my problem but my father’s. When we put her in that clinic I always felt like he began to write her off. Do you know what I mean?” Lucas looked at Eliott, who nodded his head. Of course, he knew. “He began to act like she wasn’t part of our family anymore and I knew that didn’t mean anything good. On Saturday morning I came to visit her as usual, but they didn’t let me in. My father prohibited the clinic’s staff to let me see my mum.” Lucas began sobbing again, and Eliott couldn’t believe his ears.

“What? Is it even legal?!” He shouted out.

“Well, it’s a private clinic and the person who pays money is the boss, and in our family, it’s not me,” Lucas smirked and his voice was filled with desperation. “The shittiest thing was that he was out of the town and I really thought that it was some kind of mistake. I left him a thousand voice messages, living all that day in hope, just to get a text: “Sorry, son, but it’s for the best”. Can you believe it? He couldn’t even call me!”

Eliott remembered Emile’s words about Lucas’ getting some message and his mood being switched off immediately. Now that made sense. And not only that.

“That’s why you didn’t want to leave that night?” He asked, and Lucas let out that breath, having closed his eyes.

“I was afraid to come home and see that he’s returned. I was afraid of what I could have done with him. But he came back only in the morning, and we haven’t stopped arguing since.” Lucas explained, and finally, Eliott began to see the whole picture. The way Lucas’s been acting lately seemed logical now. In such a situation it would be impossible to act any other way.

“And I’ve been worried that you didn’t respond to my post,” Eliott sighed, and somehow that made Lucas smile.

“I saw it the minute you posted it. And I wanted to answer it, to write you something, but I was afraid that it would become too much for me. I think I needed some time.” Eliott was fascinated with the way how innocent the boy looked at the moment. “I spent a few days screaming at my father and ignoring all the life outside. Yann was the only one I contacted, just for him to say to others that I was still alive. He told everybody that I’ve lost my phone, and I seriously didn’t ask him to do that, especially when I still have the same phone,” Lucas laughed and Eliott couldn’t hide his smile either. “Anyway, I ignored everyone and everything, I was really rude to my friends and teachers, planned the murder of my father but when I've gotten your request yesterday…” Lucas turned his head to Eliott, smiling. “How could I resist?”

The emotions, which Eliott was experiencing at that moment, he wouldn’t have been able to describe even if he had tried. The boy’s face was too close to him now. They were literally breathing the same air. Moreover, he could feel Lucas’ breath on his face, and that was the most pleasant feeling in the world. Eliott could feel a chill running down his spine. His heart was beating faster and faster with every breath they were taking, and he knew that one move would be enough to cut the distance between them and for his lips to meet Lucas’s lips but… he knew that it wasn't the right time for it. Not when the boy was in such a state. He was clearly unstable, and Eliott couldn’t risk with what they had and to ruin it.

“It’s time for us to get your wound cleaned,” he said and stood up. That probably was the hardest thing he’s ever done. He didn’t even dare to look at the boy. He wasn’t ready to disappointment on his face. “And you’re staying at ours tonight and that is not up for the debate!” Eliott commanded and went towards the entrance of the house. He didn’t need to look back to make sure that Lucas was following him. He's already known that.

Emile was already sleeping when they came in. They were trying to act extremely quiet not to wake him up. Eliott led Lucas to the bathroom, cleaned his knuckles and found some bandage to wrap it up. Eliott wasn’t a doctor but that was the best he could do, though he was still sure that Lucas needed to see a medic. When they finished in the bathroom, they came back to the living room where Eliott helped Lucas to prepare the sofa for his sleep. He brought one of his two pillows and an extra blanket, which they had in the wardrobe, and also his T-shirt and sweatpants for the boy to wear.

“Thank you,” Lucas said when they finished. “For everything.”

“That’s alright. I love to be helpful,” Eliott smiled, and Lucas sat on the sofa. Eliott was standing, leaning on the wall just watching him. Lucas looked nervous, and Eliott was feeling strange too seeing him here too. But he liked that. He definitely could get used to seeing him here more often. And he also couldn’t just leave him because he really needed to say something to him. To share something with him too. “My parents told me that they’re planning to move away,” he finally pronounced.

Lucas looked at him surprised, clearly not expecting to hear something of that kind.

“Is it a good or bad thing?” He asked, looking concerned.

“I don’t know,” Eliott answered honestly. “But I think “yes”. It will be good for them and me.”

“Why? Do you have a bad relationship?” That was still amusing how caring Lucas looked. How Eliott believed it without any doubts. He never had it with anyone.

“No, not at all. They were a great support, but…” Eliott took a pause, hoping that Lucas won’t decide that he was a real asshole after what he was about to say. “I don’t think that they were real parents for me. Guardians? Maybe. But not parents. Does it sound too awful?” He looked at Lucas expecting to see contempt on his face, but he didn’t. What he saw was that Lucas really tried to understand him.

“No. Not necessarily.” Lucas shook his head. “I think a lot of depends on the experience. What was yours like?”

“I don’t know,” Eliott answered unsurely. “I always felt like they protected me too much. I get that it’s what parents do. But while trying to protect me from this world they’ve forgotten that I needed not only protection but love. Sometimes I felt like I was their captive or pet they needed to care of, but not their son. I never felt a real warmth if you know what I mean.” Lucas was the first person after Emile who Eliott decided to tell this. And he knew him only a couple of days. That was insane.

“Did you talk with them about it?” That was clear that Lucas wanted to help. As if it was that simple.

“Of course,” Eliott smiled. “But that would be the story for another day.” He’s already told more than enough and that was some controversial stuff. He was lucky that the boy didn’t run away from him straight away, and he wasn’t ready to risk it further. Not yet. They both needed to rest. “Goodnight, Lucas,” he whispered.

“Goodnight,” the boy whispered back and once again shiver ran down Eliott's body.

He looked at him one last time and left to his room, having no doubt that he would have a good sleep that tonight. And Lucas too.

Chapter 8 Eliott and Lucas have a date... well, kind of.

“How could you bring Lucas to our flat and not even wake me up?!”

That was a nice «Good morning» from Emile when Eliott walked out of his room.

“So you already saw him,” Eliott stated the obvious and went to the kitchen.

“Yes, he’s in the shower right now.” Emile followed him. “In OUR shower. He asked me if he could take it after sleeping on OUR sofa! How could you not tell me about this?!”

Was Emile angry? Oh yeah! Did he have a reason for it? Well, maybe. Did Eliott regret not waking him up? Not at all.

“Why? For you to come and watch him sleeping like some creep? The boy needed some rest, I gave him that. End of the story,” Eliott tried to defend himself. Though he doubted that Emile could have really understood that. He was too consumed with his crush on the boy to see the one obvious fact: Lucas had no time for this shit. Eliott really thought that Emile would give Lucas some space as now he knew that he had family problems. But that clearly wasn’t the case. And now, when Eliott knew Lucas’ situation, he couldn’t but was irritated by his friend’s behavior.

“Good morning,” Lucas appeared in the kitchen with a shy smile and wet hair. He was looking at Eliott.

“Morning,” Eliott smiled back at him. That was impossible not to do.

“Thank you for letting me take the shower. And for the towel.” Lucas turned to Emile, who was looking at him adoringly.

“You’re always welcome. And you’re just in time! The breakfast is ready!” Emile rushed to the stove, and there was a pan with fried eggs on it.

“That wasn’t necessary. I don’t…” The boy began murmuring shyly, but Emile didn’t let him finish.

“Don’t be stupid. Sit down!” Emile put the pan on the table and pushed Lucas to the chair, the boy fell on it awkwardly. That situation could have made Eliott smile if only Emile’s wasn’t so pushy towards their guest. He had no boundaries. Lucas clearly felt uncomfortable. And that wasn’t Eliott’s goal when he brought him here yesterday. He wanted him to relax a little but Emile was ruining it.

“So did you sleep well?” Eliott decided to distract the boy from Emile’s chaotic behavior.

“Yeah, thanks.” Lucas smiled at him once again. But Eliott could feel that he was controlling his every move, that was strange. “Actually, I had some crazy dream last night,” the boy admitted, turning fork in his hand and looking at the eggs. He still wasn’t eating.

“Yeah? What is it?” Emile asked. He looked like he finally met his favorite celebrity and couldn’t let his eyes off him. That looked quite embarrassing.

“Some weird stuff. A large army of hedgehogs took control of Paris, and we all became their slaves.” Lucas sounded absolutely serenely. But if Eliott had been eating or drinking, he would have definitely choked on it. And the boy knew what he was doing.

“An army of hedgehogs? That’s really some weird shit,” Emile agreed, having had absolutely no idea what that was about.

The fact was that yesterday Elliott just couldn’t fell asleep so easily. He wanted to draw. And he wanted to draw Lucas. He was too weak and after half an hour lying in his bed, he gave in to the temptation and went to the living room. That was only for a couple of seconds but that was enough for him to see that Lucas has been already sleeping. His mouth was a little bit open, the left hand was hanging from the sofa and his hair was sticking out in different directions. He reminded Eliott a little innocent hedgehog. Eliott remembered this image, and he drew a little hedgehog, sleeping on the couch but that wasn’t just that. He also drew a dream of this hedgehog, where his little army was walking to Paris. And there was an easy explanation of that: Eliott was sure that Paris needed more such amazing hedgehogs. Paris needed more people like Lucas. Though he knew that the boy was just too unique for this to happen. And he sent this picture to Lucas straight away. It was his first message to him. And now he knew that it was successfully received.

“Well, I like hedgehogs,” Eliott finally commented, smiling satisfied. “I think they are really cool.” He saw that Lucas was smiling too. That was enough for a very good morning.

“Mate, why didn’t you wake Emile up? That would be a great chance for him!” Idriss was smoking his cigarette, watching at Eliott as if he’s killed someone.

Of course, Emile told Idriss and Sofiane what happened as soon as he saw them. Of course, they took his side. Of course, they began asking questions. And of course, none of them could understand his actions. And actually, Eliott didn’t even try to explain himself anymore. He was too tired of his friends' stupidity to fight with it.

“How did you meet him anyway?” Sofiane asked. And at this point, Eliott didn’t even care about his suspicious glances. He could think what he wanted to think.

“They met on the street when Eliott was leaving the chemist,” Emile gave the answer instead of Eliott, and he didn’t really mind. “Lucas had some problems at home and some accident with his hand, so Eliott suggested him crash at ours.”

“That was very nice of you.” Sofiane kept looking at Eliott, and Eliott couldn’t stop looking at the cigarette in Idriss’ hand. He wouldn’t have minded making a few drags himself. “What a happy coincidence that you were there, yeah?” Sofiane was pushy.

“I guess so, yeah,” Eliott murmured.

“Did he say what’s happened? That must be really bad if you can’t stay at nights at your own house,” Idriss said.

“He told me that he had a fight with his father. That’s all.” Emile shrugged his shoulders and looked at Eliott as if he was expecting him to add something. But he didn’t. That wasn’t their business to meddle in. And Emile’s got his mood and finally changed the topic. Well, kind of. “Anyway, you know that my birthday is soon, and I was planning a quiet night with you as usual, but I kind of want to invite Lucas, Bazile, Arthur, and Yann too. What do you think?” He smiled as if their opinions mattered.

“Well, it’s your day so you can do what you want. If you want your present to be Lucas then let it be so!” Idriss let out a laugh, and Emile pushed his shoulder playfully.

“Yeah, they seem like cool dudes, so why not?” Sofiane agreed.

“Eliott?” Emile asked when he didn’t give his answer.

“Yeah, sounds cool,” Eliott was urged to say, though he couldn’t care more. He didn’t even know these guys. But he knew Lucas. That was enough.

“Eliott, I wanted to ask for your help actually,” Sofiane said suddenly, and Eliott knew straight away that he was plotting something. “I have some troubles with Literature, can you help me after school?”

Of course, that sounded innocent and there was nothing unordinary here as Eliott helped him before. But right now Eliott knew better. Sofiane was a zone of danger, which he had no desire to enter.

“No,” he blurted out, and by the faces of the boys, it was clear that they were surprised. “I already have some other plans.”

With that, he pulled out his phone and left them just to avoid all the unnecessary questions. He had some better things to do. And that certainly wasn’t paying attention to their confused glances at him.

srodluv in the mood to skip a couple of classes what do you think? lucallemat that’s will be a date

srodluv deal

They were sitting on the bench in a local park near a small lake. It wasn’t even midday, so there were almost no people here except for a couple of sportsmen and women with children. The weather was nice, but still a little bit windy. The atmospheric air was clearly hinting at the rain coming its a way. Again. But that wasn’t a trouble at all as long as Lucas was sitting next to Eliott. Lucas who was looking much fresher and healthier now. A good sleep clearly did its wonders on him, and Eliott was happy that he's helped him with that. That he helped him to get better. That he helped his blue eyes be bright again. Even if it was just for a while.

“Why did you choose this place?” Eliott asked after they shared a couple of minutes of silence. Yeah, Eliott gave him a free choice and was surprised to see that his dream destination was a park. A simple, unremarkable park.

“Don’t know.” Lucas shrugged his shoulders. “I just like simple things. I think that the simplest things are the most beautiful. And if you want to hide, then there is no better place to hide than in plain sight.”

There was something in his voice that made Eliott’s skin shiver. There was something depressing in his tone which made Eliott think that the boy was still hiding some secrets. That probably were the secrets which could open Eliott a real Lucas Lallemant but the boy clearly wasn’t in a hurry to open up about them. And Eliott couldn’t judge him as he was the same, but still… he wanted to get everything that was only possible just to be a little be closer to him.

“You sound very sad.” Eliott was sure that it wasn’t the best thing to say at the moment, but he wanted to make it clear that he was here, and he was really listening to him.

“Sometimes life’s sad. I guess it’s something that none of us can change,” Lucas smiled weakly, and Eliott hated to admit that he couldn't agree more. “But there are good moments too. In fact, I believe that in our lives there are much more good moments rather than bad. For example, right now we could sit in the lessons and die with boredom, but instead we’re here, and we’re having a good time… well, I hope so!” That was the moment when sad Lucas’ gone and the old one, which was much more positive, returned. The way Lucas' mood could change at any minute was fascinating and scary at the same time. And Eliott knew that these changes were a clear cry for help and there were too many masks which the boy was wearing, but Elliott couldn't push on him. If Lucas wanted to say something, it should be his choice to do that.

"You sound like my grandfather. He used to tell that all bad things are overweighted by good things at the end." These words really slipped off Eliott’ tongue. That was on his mind, but he never wanted to say the words aloud, but it was too late now. He's already gotten Luca's attention.

"Is it bad or a good thing?" He asked, looking at Eliott as if he was trying to look into his soul. Eliott hated when people did that, but he forgave Lucas immediately. He could forgive him everything really.

"Well, he was a wise man, so I guess it's a "pros" in your characteristic." Eliott smiled, but he knew it wasn't because of happiness. And he felt like Lucas knew it at so as his face changed.

"Did he die?" Lucas asked carefully. And Eliott should have thought before using past tenses in his words.

"No," he shook his head. "But he's kind of dead to me and my parents." Of course, it wasn't such a great idea to say a thing like that in an attempt to avoid further questions. But Lucas didn't ask anything. As if he knew that Eliott shouldn't be pushed into it. And that's why Eliott knew that he owed him an explanation. No, he didn't owe him that, he wanted to give him the explanation. "He didn't accept me the way I am." That was much harder to say than he thought. That was for sure.

"Was that because he knew that you like boys too?" Lucas supposed. And his assumptions were understandable as he didn't know the whole story.

"Yeah," Eliott nodded his head because that actually was a part of the reason too. "When I was a child we were super close. I was his only grandchild, and he's just lost my grandmother, so he gave me all his love. He was the one who showed me the world of drawing actually. He supported my every work, even the weakest one. He always took me with him on camping because he loved nature, and he's taught me how to capture it on my canvas. That didn’t turn up to be my style at the end but still… and he always bought me all the sweets I wanted. I adored him..." Eliott said, and the smile was playing on his face because those memories were still warming him inside. So much time's passed, but he could still remember the smell of the fire and chills from his granddad's night stories. "But then I changed, and he decided that I was doing it only for attention. It was making him angry when I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do, and he stopped understand me. The real me. And the worst thing was that he couldn't accept the fact that my parents were quite alright with my "outrageous behavior" and did nothing to make me stop. At one point, he even said that he'd stop calling me his grandson if I won’t stop with my nonsense, and he did that! And that was a final straw for my parents, who have already been over-protective of me, so they cut him out of our lives completely. My mother cut out her own father out of her life because of me. And I’ve never heard of him since.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Lucas admitted and that made Eliott smile. He loved the way this boy was trying to be honest in relation to everything.

“That’s alright. I think that situation made me realize that this world can be very cruel. And, yeah, I still feel bad because I lost a person who I really loved, but at least now I know what I can expect from people no matter how close they are to me.” Eliott really tried to sound rational. He wanted to think about it as about another life lesson rather than a history of betrayal. It was easier that way.

“So we’re both philosophers now?” Lucas smiled and Eliott laughed.

“Oh, yeah, who are too cool for school,” he noted.

“Well, I’ve been promised a date with a guy on whom I put my eyes on since my first day at school. Suppose, I didn’t have a choice.” Lucas winked at Eliott.

“How do you do that?” Eliott asked and Lucas looked at him confused. “You’re so open with your feelings. You think something and you say it… that’s great. But how do you do it?”

“Well, that’ not really true,” Lucas shook his head. His face became serious and his body visibly tensed. “Yeah, with you that was easy because I felt that connection right away, but you don’t have any idea how many times I wanted to come to you that first day and I chickened out all of these times. I’m a lucky guy that you decided to skip your lessons then and we met. In reality, I was losing my shit over the thought of a simple conversation with you.” A small smile appeared on the boy’s face. But he was still tense. Eliott could feel it.

“Yeah, but you didn’t hesitate to leave me that comment and then flirt with me in the middle of the school. That wasn’t shy at all!” Eliott raised an eyebrow.

“Do you know that I spent half of the night awake, thinking about me making a huge mistake with this comment? That was quite innocent, but the stress of it was killing me. And you didn’t even answer. I thought that I properly embarrassed myself.”

“Yeah, but you still came to me the next day, didn’t you?” Eliott couldn’t let it go.

“Yeah, because I still wanted to know you. I don’t know how it works, but when I’m with you I just feel like I know what to do and it turned out that I did everything right, yeah? I’ve got the result I wanted to!” A devious smile brightened his face.

“Nah, this is all bullshit,” Eliott exclaimed, smiling back. “I think you know perfectly well what you’re doing, you just don’t like acknowledging a sinister side of yours! I think you want to look like a cute and a naïve baby boy with big blue eyes while in a reality you’re a sneaky devil who’s perfectly aware of the influence he has on people.” Eliott had no idea where this all came from, but he was feeling it with his bones that Lucas wasn’t so simple as he wanted to look like.

“So now you’re a psychic too! Great!” Lucas teased and that was obvious that Eliott’s word didn’t make him mad. That was a confirmation that at some point he was right. “But you see, I’m not a devil, I’m a hedgehog. A little cute hedgehog!” Lucas continued with his teasing, and Eliott rolled his eyes. Ok. That was his own fault that Lucas had something against him now. “But I liked what you did. Thank you!”

“Well, I love drawing beautiful things, so how could I resist?” Eliott knew that he sounded like a soppy romantic, but it wasn’t in his plans to hold himself back anymore. And when he saw how wider Lucas’ smile has become he knew that it was worth it.

Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by Eliott’s phone. Actually, he was surprised that it took so long for his friends to contact him. This time he was cleverer and he sent Emile a message, telling him not to worry and that he was alright, but he didn’t expect that he would just accept it and leave him alone. And that wasn’t even Emile who was calling him but Sofiane.

Eliott skipped the call, promising himself to call him later.

“You can answer, that’s alright,” Lucas assured when he saw Eliott’s action.

“Nah, he wants some help with Literature but right now I have more important stuff on my mind,” Eliott said, not even trying to hide his flirtatious anymore. And that made Lucas’s cheeks turn to red.

But Sofiane wasn’t going to give up so easily. He called once again.

“Seriously, you have to answer. It can be important!” Lucas clearly didn’t want to be the reason for Eliott ignoring his friends. But Eliott didn’t care. Lucas deserved all his attention.

“If it’s something serious he’d leave a message, don’t worry.” Eliott decline the call

And as if Sofiane was a psychic, the messages began to come to Eliott’s number. And that was the thing Eliott couldn’t ignore.

                                                    [ Sofiane ]

you disappeared and guess what? Lucas disappeared too whatever you’re playing stop it and call me back or I’ll tell Emile everything

Eliott felt numb. He was shocked by the threat. And he was scared. The only thing Eliott knew is that Sofiane would never throw his words around. If he said something he always meant it. And if he’s written such thing to Eliott then he clearly had an intention to keep his word. Eliott began to feel cold and his hands began shaking.

“Hey, are you alright?” Lucas asked worried, having witnessed the change in Eliott’s state. That was impossible not to notice it.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Eliott didn’t want to give the boy reason to worry. But his voice betrayed him.

“No, you’re not,” Lucas argued and what Eliott could say against it? He was trembling. Of course, he wasn’t alright. “And I think I know the reason,” Lucas admitted and Eliott looked at him puzzled. The boy had no idea what he was talking about. There was no way he could know, but that was Lucas’ turn to surprise him as he continued, “I know that Emile likes me. And I know that you have troubles because of it».

Lucas’ words were like a bolt from the blue. Eliott froze and he didn’t have any words. He was just, sitting and looking at the boy with only one question on his mind: how was it possible?

[whatsnewcartoons]

What’s New In 2019: The Cartoons.

PART 2:

Separated by network. All premiere dates are estimated until confirmed. Timings are in EST.

DISNEY CHANNEL:

- Amphibia (TBA):  Created and executive produced by Matt Braly (Gravity Falls), Amphibia chronicles the adventures of Anne Boonchuy, a self-centered 13-year-old who is magically transported to the fictitious world of Amphibia, a rural marshland full of frog-people. With the help of an excitable young frog named Sprig, Anne will transform into a hero and discover the first true friendship of her life.

The series was announced to be greenlit for production in early 2018 and is expected to premiere later in 2019.

- The Owl House (TBA):  Created and executive produced by Dana Terrace (DuckTales) is a horror-comedy series that follows Luz, a self-assured teenage human girl who accidentally stumbles upon a portal to the Demon Realm. There she befriends a rebellious witch, Eda, and an adorably tiny warrior, King. Despite not having magical abilities, Luz pursues her dream of becoming a witch by serving as Eda’s apprentice at the Owl House and ultimately finds a new family in an unlikely setting.

The series was announced at the same time as Amphibia and a Season 4 renewal of Star vs the Forces of Evil in early 2018. Similar to Amphibia, it is expected to release in late 2019.

- Vikingskool (end 2019): The series will follow a group of young would-be Viking warriors in an elite Vikingskool. Ross described the alumni as being “Like freshmen in ‘Top Gun,’ but for Vikings. ”The group will embark on a series of humorous and exciting adventures in a mystical world. At the heart of the tale are three best friends: Erik, Arnie and Ilba, each with their own unique Viking strengths and weaknesses.

The series is being produced by Ireland’s Cartoon Saloon (“The Secret of Kells,” “The Breadwinner”) and France’s Samka Productions (“Jamie’s Got Tentacles”) with post-production from Norwegian VFX company Storm Films. It’s this pedigree that prompted Ross to explain to Variety: “There is a substantial Viking history in Ireland and Northern France. As a co-production we can say it’s the only Viking show made by actual Vikings.” 

The series’ 26 half-hours are scheduled for broadcast at the end of 2019. 

- 101 Dalmatian Street (early 2019): Inspired by Dodie Smith’s 1956 novel and the 1961 movie, it will be based in Camden Town, London.

Featuring 43 cast members covering 106 speaking roles, the modern tale will focus on dalmatians Dylan and Dolly, their parents Doug and Delilah and 97 younger puppies whose names all also begin with D. Miriam Margolyes, known for her portrayal of Professor Sprout in the Harry Potter film series, will voice Bessie the Cornish Cow.American actors Josh Brener and Michaela Dietz will voice Dylan and Dolly, the eldest Dalmatian siblings. Rapper Ben Bailey Smith, also known as Doc Brown, will voice Sid Squirrel as well as Spencer Sausage Dog. The series will also feature EastEnders star Tameka Empson as Pearl Police Horse and Bethan Wright as Prunella Pug.

The series has premiered its first episode on Disney Channel Africa and is set to premiere on Disney Channel UK in January. It will premiere in the US in spring 2019.

NETFLIX:

- Pinky Malinky (January 1, 2019): Pinky Malinky is a brand-new fly-on-the-wall reality show that follows the everyday life of Pinky, an infectiously positive hot dog living in a human world. With his best friends Babs and JJ by his side, Pinky reaches for the stars in the small town of Sackenhack. Through his good spirits and sausage sensibilities, Pinky proves that a "wiener" is only one small letter away from being a "WINNER!"

Using the tropes of a mockumentary and reality show format, Pinky and his friends will talk directly to the camera and the audience to share their absurd and silly take on real life. At times, all children feel like they don't fit in and Pinky's undeniably unique point of view as a literal wiener amongst humans will allow kids to laugh at his familiar struggles and enjoy his unusual perspective on the challenges of being a school-aged kid. By always reaching for the stars, Pinky pushes himself further than anyone could imagine. Pinky and his friends' humorous experiences will also be shared across social media and Nickelodeon's digital platforms. Co-created and co-executive produced by Chris Garbutt and Rikke Asbjoern (The Amazing World of Gumball) and executive produced by Scott Kreamer (Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness), the trio are a part of the Artist Collective, an internal diverse group of experienced creators who mentor and support up-and-coming talent while also collaborating to cultivate, challenge and inspire Nickelodeon's development pipeline. Pinky Malinky will star Lucas Grabeel (Glenn Martin DDS, I Kissed A Vampire) as Pinky Malinky, Diamond White (The Haunted Hathaways) as Babs Buttman, and Nathan Kress (iCarly) as JJ Jameson. Under the deal with Netflix, Nickelodeon is producing two seasons — 59 episodes — of Pinky Malinky for the streaming service. The first season, consisting of 28 episodes is now available on Netflix.

- Tuca & Bertie (TBA): The series, which has received a 10-episode order, is an adult-oriented comedy about the friendship between two 30-year-old bird women who live in the same apartment building: Tuca (Haddish), a cocky, care-free toucan, and Bertie (Wong), an anxious, daydreaming songbird.

Both Haddish and Wong will also serve as executive producers in addition to starring. Lisa Hanawalt created the series and will serve as executive producer. Hanawalt is the production designer and producer on Netflix’s critically-acclaimed animated series “BoJack Horseman.” Raphael Bob-Waksberg, the creator of “BoJack” will also executive produce along with “BoJack” executive producers Noel Bright and Steven A. Cohen. Michael Eisner’s The Tornante Company, which produces “BoJack,” will produce. Animation is being done at Shadowmachine.

The series was announced to be in production in February 2018 and is set to release in the summer.

- Carmen Sandiego (January 18, 2019): Carmen Sandiego started as a video game in 1985 and ventured out into books, television, and comics. Children of the ‘90s have searched for Sandiego in the U.S.A., in Europe, in Space, and back in Time. The PBS animated series Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? ran for 295 episodes between 1991 and 1995. Author John Peel wrote 10 Carmen Sandiego books in the '90s. DC Comics published four issues of a Carmen Sandiego comic starting in June 1996.

Believe it or not, after more than two decades Sandiego, a notorious crook, is still on the loose. Can she outrun the Netflix binge watchers? We’ll have see if Rodriguez has what it takes.

Insiders say that Netflix has ordered 20 episodes of the series, which aims to be as educational as it is entertaining, given the title character’s globetrotting adventures. The series is set to release on Netflix on January 18, 2019.

- Cannon Busters (March 1, 2019):  Cannon Busters tells the story of a royal droid named S.A.M., who is searching for her best friend, and heir to the throne. Along the way, she’s joined by an old maintenance droid and a fugitive. The 12-episode series buy is part of Netflix’s impending wave of anime titles including Ultraman, Kengan Ashura, and season two of Aggretsuko.

Cannon Busters was created by LeSean Thomas, a storyboard artist and character designer known for his work on The Boondocks, the animated Black Dynamite series, and The Legend of Korra. Following a successful Kickstarter campaign, Netflix has bought 12 episodes, adapted from a 2003 comic of the same title. 

The series was first announced at the Netflix panel at the 2018 Anime Expo and is set to release on Netflix on March 1, 2019.

 - Twelve Forever (TBA): The series centers on 12-year-old Reggie, whose desire to remain a child is so powerful it creates a fantasy world in which she never has to grow up. She’s joined by her friends Todd and Esther, who visit this amazing world to live out their superhero fantasies and escape the responsibilities of impending adulthood.

Production companies behind the series are the Cartel and Puny Entertainment. In addition to Vickerman, executive producers include the Cartel’s Stan Spry and Bradford Bricken, and Puny’s Chris Hardwick and Shadi Petosky.

The original pilot was first aired on Cartoon Network in 2015 and was not picked up by the network until Netflix was announced to have picked it up for a first season in December 2017 and is set to release sometime in 2019.

So that’s the stuff you can expect from the major networks (and Netflix) in terms of animation this year. Which shows are you most excited to watch this year? Here’s to an amazing 2019 full of amazing cartoons.

For the upcoming cartoons on Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon, go check out Part 1.

[gffa]

Aftermath: Life Debt | by Chuck Wendig This is going to be a follow-up to this post + there’s going to be a lot more quoted under the Read More because this is really fascinating to me.  I KNOW ONLY LIKE THREE OF US ARE INTERESTED IN THIS ASPECT OF THINGS, BUT IT’S SOMETHING I’VE BEEN HUNGRY FOR FOR AWHILE.  A lot of this is due to @thewillowbends‘ commentary about how the canon doesn’t really reflect much on the New Republic making the same mistakes as the old Republic and I’m constantly caught between, “Star Wars has never been that deep.” vs “Yeah, I agree.” Life Debt is probably the book (that I’ve read so far) that comes the closest to trying to touch on that--Sinjir (who comes across as at least fairly narratively reliable) says that the New Republic is failing because it’s not enough, that it’s too afraid of becoming the Empire that it’s not actually becoming a government that can help anyone.  At the same time, a big, looming, unanswered question is, “Why are we going after this Imperial agent, when a worse person was right over there?” Then there’s this entire conversation and I’m honestly not sure where the narrative is placing its reliability--because, on the one hand, this is a fictional story being told in a fictional world, which tends towards good vs evil as a theme, that moral purity is a good thing.  You help your friends over creating a sensible, stable government.  That’s how a good story is told.  And it’s about not losing who you are, once you’re in power, which is what Commodore Agate was telling Norra--that she’d rather lose to the Empire as themselves, than win as remorseless killers. But on the other hand, Mon is portrayed with utter sympathy here, she’s clearly a good person and genuinely trying to look out for the bigger picture.  She’s giving away her authority right and left, as well as even Leia can see that without structure, all these different factions will fight each other in the aftermath of the Empire falling. Ultimately, I think the most important line of this scene is:

It’s aware that Leia is an idealist, while Mon is a realist.  The two are coming into conflict, as they clash over how to proceed forward.  It’s not precisely talking about how they’re making some of the same mistakes as the old Republic did, but it’s at least touching on how the New Republic is making mistakes and they tend to be some of the same ones as the old.  It’s not about corruption (at least not yet?) but it falls exactly in line with what George Lucas was talking about was at the heart of the prequels:  “You sort of see these recurring themes where a democracy turns itself into a dictatorship, and it always seems to happen kind of in the same way, with the same kinds of issues, and threats from the outside, needing more control. A democratic body, a senate, not being able to function properly because everybody's squabbling, there's corruption.“ It’s being a little coy about drawing the line between the two but oh boy is it there.  In the narrative, it’s more about how they’re trying so hard to avoid becoming the Empire that they’re not seeing where they’re headed VERSUS how they still have to figure out some form of government because otherwise it’s chaos. I think the scene ultimately landed more on Leia’s side than it did on Mon Mothma’s, if nothing else because the First Order is exactly what Leia thinks is wrong about letting the Empire’s infection burn itself out. On the other hand, the New Republic letting everyone just do whatever the hell they want led to all this squabbling about Loyalists vs Centrists, which led to the government being in utter disarray when it comes time to deal with the First Order. It’s unquestionably the right moral thing to do to help Kashyyyk, no matter how useful they are or aren’t to the New Republic.  But Leia’s argument for helping them basically boils down to that they’re her friends, that you should be willing to sacrifice everything to save your friends.  Which is a perfectly fine personal code to have, but is it fair to risk the stability of everyone else in the New Republic who needs a government to quell the warlords and slavers who are going to take power in this vacuum?  If the New Republic burns itself out helping Kashyyyk, puts resources there, that could have helped shore them up elsewhere, and ultimately fall because they’re not strong enough (as they do in The Last Jedi) then was that the right course to take? The book definitely seems like it’s not 100% siding either way, that it doesn’t have an answer to these questions, only that the best thing they can do is look at the immediate problems they face, rather than the bigger picture.  And that that in and of itself is a problem (as Sinjir notes) but it’s the only path they can at all see. Leia wants them to be heroes, not a government.  And I guess that’s the question--is Star Wars about even the government being a group of heroes, rather than an actual functioning government?  Because there very much is an argument about how this is a story being written by writers, that realism only has so much of a place in a space fantasy fairy tale.  As much as we want to point out realism and map it onto the stories we consume, sometimes that deeply goes against the grain of what the actual narrative is trying to do. Or are we meant to go, “WHOA HEY PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO NEED PRAGMATISM IN THIS SHIT, THAT IS HOW ANYTHING GETS DONE.” because Star Wars is also about a reflection of the political landscapes of the time.  George Lucas explicitly said the original trilogy was about Nixon and about Vietnam.  He explicitly said that the prequels were about the rise of fascism and we all saw the parallels to Bush era politics.  The sequel trilogy (and, for all that this is set closer to the OT, it’s much more a Trump era politics book) is set now and I think there’s an incredibly important point about how moral purity is absolutely killing the left when we need to be more pragmatic. I think it probably leans more towards the fictional aspect than the realistic political aspect, but trying to untangle these things is the kind of ridiculous thing I am on this blue hellsite for. FULL QUOTE UNDER THE READMORE

[more--than--music]

2018 Albums of the Year

Here’s my albums of the year. 2018 has been a brilliant year for music, and so I thought I’d lay out my favourite albums, and the reasons why they’re my favourites.

10: Unknown Mortal Orchestra – Sex and Food

Kicking the list off at ten, we have the fourth full-length project from the New Zealand lo-fi psychedelic group Unknown Mortal Orchestra. An album that calls to mind at various points dusty late 70s grooves, 80s synth work and yet very modern production sensibilities, Sex and Food bounces between deeply introspective balladry, and funky danceable beats. A sure step forward for a band that only looks to become more experimental as time goes on.

9: Ben Howard – Noonday Dream

The Devon based singer-songwriter gives a compelling vision of the future of indie-folk with this transient and supremely accomplished set of songs. Taking a further stride away from the straightforward acoustic sound of 2011’s Every Kingdom, Noonday Dream shows an artist unafraid to utilise aspects of electronic and ambient music into his soundscapes, resulting in a transcendent, elegant, and above all beautiful set of tracks. The opening duo of Nica Libres At Dusk and Towing The Line are a particular high point.

8: Thom Yorke – Suspiria (Music for the Luca Guadagnino Film)

Surprisingly his first ever venture into soundtrack work, Thom Yorke’s masterful score for the Luca Guadagnino film of the same name could be in this list simply on the strength of its lead track; Suspirium is an otherworldly waltz, a spartan piano line presided over by Thom’s instantly recognisable vocals. But it is the deeper cuts for which this album earns its place; Open Again begins with a fingerpicked guitar progression that grows into a monolithic walk to the gallows and then fades out once more. A master at the height of his powers.

7: Sports Team – Winter Nets

Undoubtedly the least well-known name on this list, the debut EP from the London-based indie-pop outfit Sports Team has been one of my most played records yet this year. A cerebral mix of Jarvis Cocker-style lyricism preoccupied with the minutiae of suburban life, and pitch perfect indie rock arrangements teetering on the edge of chaos, this shows talent beyond their years; the only EP on this list, these five tracks managed to catch my attention early on, and have stayed with me through the year. Ones to watch.

6: MGMT – Little Dark Age

A name I would not have expected to see on this list at the start of the year, the comeback from the early 2000s electro-pop group is unexpectedly brilliant. Far from the runaway chart success of singles such as Electric Feel, Little Dark Age is full of tracks that could have been pulled from the dusty archives of pretty much any 80s synth bands, but combined with so many left-field production choices, and lyrics that belie a dark sensibility beneath the bright instrumentation, this album becomes a very mature release indeed. The single, Little Dark Age, is just magic. I can’t wait to see what comes next.

5: Car Seat Headrest – Twin Fantasy

Bringing us into the second half of this list is Will Toledo’s project Car Seat Headrest, with a rerecorded, remastered version of his 2011 breakout album Twin Fantasy. Toledo’s DIY ethos calls to mind contemporary Kevin Parker, of Tame Impala, although the two go about their self-imposed individualism rather differently. Toledo’s recordings retain the lo-fi teen emotion of the original Twin Fantasy, while adding the production sensibilities of Toledo’s later Car Seat Headrest ventures, resulting in such a dizzying barrage of pitch perfect indie ballads that display mature, incisive and insightful lyricism. The peaks of the album slip off the rails in the most glorious way, and culminate in simple, honest, and resounding emotional resolutions. Few albums so perfectly capture the teenage experience... a brilliant achievement.

4: Father John Misty – God’s Favorite Customer

It will come to no surprise to those of you who know me that Josh Tillman has made his way into this list; I have been following Father John Misty since last year’s existential crisis of an album, Pure Comedy. But God’s Favorite Customer is an entirely different beast- aside from the single, Mr Tillman, the typical luscious arrangements of a usual Father John Misty album are conspicuously missing here. Gone are the chamber pop orchestras and parlour ballads; here is FJM with an acoustic guitar, a month’s stay in a hotel room, and some utterly shattering songwriting. Tillman has abandoned his lofty perch overseeing the human condition in favour of personal, painful lyrics that dissect a failing relationship in real time. Many of these songs are addressed to, or from the perspective of, Josh’s wife, Emma, and the narratives are as autobiographical as ever. But the key here is that Tillman has ceased to be just an observer of the phenomena he comments on; in God’s Favorite Customer he has no choice but to experience them from the inside, and it makes for devastating listening in places. However, Misty has not abandoned all hope; closer We're Only People (And There's Not Much Anyone Can Do About That) ends the album with a remarkably beautiful and optimistic look at humanity, and leaves you ready to emerge from the hotel room, blinking against the sunlight, into the outside world.

3: Blood Orange – Negro Swan

London born producer, multi-instrumentalist, and general prodigy Devont Hynes, has outdone himself on his fourth project under the moniker Blood Orange; Negro Swan represents exactly the kind of progressive song writing Hynes is so sought after in the pop world for, and brings together a beautiful collage of sounds and textures to produce an album that is so of the moment, it feels like a time capsule of today. Swan embraces diversity, revelling in a celebration of sexuality and identity that feels almost carnival-like in its embrace of so many aspects of modern R&B and Hip-Hop. On what other album can you find Puff Daddy monologuing about his own fear of being loved? This whole project is filled with moments such as this, with trans black activist Janet Mock providing a loose narrative thread tying the album together. But for me, the true highlight of this album is Hynes himself; a young black artist showcasing a striking talent that simply refuses to obey the laws of genre or society. The musical prowess on show is undeniable; in particular, Hynes’ guitar work is so accomplished, tracks such as Charcoal Baby are sheer joy to listen to because of it. The vocals on this record are equally impressive; comparisons will undoubtedly be drawn to Prince, although personally I see Hynes as akin to Frank Ocean, both showcasing a new vision for R&B in the 21st century, and Swan feels in many ways a sibling to Ocean’s 2016 album Blonde, in its transient nature and almost soundscape-like mixture of sounds and feelings. Negro Swan is a glorious celebration in which all expression is embraced, and no identity is off-limits. This is what all modern R&B should aspire to.

2: Arctic Monkeys – Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino

Those monkeys, eh? Four years after their last studio effort, with each member having done something entirely different (and accomplished, see Alex Turner with The Last Shadow Puppets, and Matt Helders on the latest Iggy Pop record) with their sabbatical, no one quite knew what shape their return would take. Recorded in London, Paris and Los Angeles, the sixth album from the band synonymous with early 00s indie could have taken quite a number of directions; furthering the slick arena rock of AM, delving deeper into the baroque pop offering the Last Shadow Puppets pursue, or perhaps even a return to their raucous indie rock roots. Naturally, they did none of the above. The first sign of their step in a different direction was a video they posted in mid-April, announcing a return with an eerie synth line and a fuzzy guitar lick; in hindsight it was the perfect segue into the TBH&C era, both a nod to the leather-clad rock of AM, and yet the space-age synths and fictional space resorts of Tranquility Base. And when the album did come? Oh boy. I’m not sure a release in 2018 divided fans quite like the Monkeys’ did. I’ve heard it variously described as “sheer genius”, “derivative retro nothing” and “f*cking lift music”. It really was that polarising. I’m sure that from its spot on this list you can guess which camp I fall into. From the go, the surreal lyricism of Alex Turner is front and centre, and the record is all the better for it. From surreal references to Kubrick film techniques, and obsession with sci-fi jargon, to ridiculous pastiches of Hollywood clichés, critics weren’t short of liner notes to unpick. But the key for me was the way that the album, as all great sci-fi does, comments on modern life through the lens of futurism, while also keeping you scratching your head the whole time. Furthermore, the actual songwriting is as good as ever, with Turner making a tune about a less than perfect review for a taquiera on the moon into the rhythmic centrepiece of the album. I do have to confess, I am slightly biased; I’m a lifelong AM fan, and I did see this performed live, which only deepened my admiration of it but truthfully- listen to this album. Then listen some more. And then some more again. Because when it clicks, you won’t experience anything else even remotely like it all year.

Bonus Round

These are albums that I discovered in 2018, but weren’t released this year… they deserved recognition along with the rest of these projects.

5: Frank Ocean – Endless

Frank Ocean is one of, if not the, best and most innovative artists working in modern R&B. That much is undisputed. But until 2018, despite being a huge Frank Ocean fan, I had neglected his 2016 visual album, Endless. Perhaps this was due to laziness, not having Apple Music, or perhaps it was because for me it was vastly overshadowed by the release of the seminal Blonde a few days later. Or maybe I simply thought a visual album wasn’t worth my time. Whatever the reason, I was a fool to overlook it. Endless is an ethereal journey through Ocean’s psyche, with a vast soundscape of beautiful, flowing synths and guitars. Furthermore, Endless features some of Ocean’s best rap work since Channel Orange. A truly beautiful project, and Higgs is, for me, Ocean’s most devastatingly sad track… further evidence that Frank doesn’t put a foot wrong.

4: Leonard Cohen: Songs Of Leonard Cohen

In 2016, the music world lost one of its most treasured talents, in the form of Leonard Cohen. However, although I have always been aware of Cohen’s work (Hallelujah, his inspiration of Nick Cave, The Last Shadow Puppets’ Is This What You Wanted cover), I had never taken the time to sit down and immerse myself in his work. Well, I was very much missing out. His cinematic, confessional storytelling, and his instantly recognisable voice and manner, mean that his songs are almost exactly the type of ballads I love, and Songs is his finest work. From start to end, you see the world through Cohen’s eyes. A poet.

3: King Krule: The OOZ

King Krule (real name: Archy Marshall) is a divisive artist; many see him as a visionary, however he is also, to many (including my dad) just “the one with the awful voice”. To me, Krule is a fantastic lyricist and producer, with an instantly recognisable sound. From the moment you enter The OOZ, you are in Marshall’s world, a London of grimy concrete and eerie loneliness. However, there are moments of beauty among the sluggish, smog-filled music; Slush Puppy, despite descending into madness near the end, is a really quite endearingly desperate performance. Cadet Limbo also shows off Krule’s more jazzy influences, and is all the better for it. A view into the future of singer-songwriting.

2: Father John Misty: I Love You, Honeybear

Josh Tillman has already featured on this list once, and it’s no secret I think he’s one of the best artists working today. However, until this year, I had never given his 2015 romantic opus, Honeybear, a proper listen. I was turned on to Misty by his 2017 work Pure Comedy, and after an existentialist view on all of Humanity, a romance album seemed like a step back, so I didn’t give it the time it deserved. How wrong I was. Honeybear is a beautiful, tender, and being an FJM record, deeply satirical and funny, look at love, relationships, and society. It features lush, beautiful arrangements, and gorgeous melodies, all delivered with Misty’s characteristic tongue-in-cheek smirk. Not one track on the album is dead space, and there are several high points, right from the start. Favourite for me is I Went To The Store One Day, which is a simple, yet incredibly beautiful and moving ballad to close the album. Stunning stuff indeed.

1: Everything Everything – A Fever Dream

I’ve known of Everything Everything for quite a while now, but in early 2017 I was gifted tickets to see them on their A Fever Dream tour, and it absolutely blew my mind. EE have crafted brilliant electronic indie music in the past, with catchy melodies and odd, skittering rhythms. However, A Fever Dream builds on this in the best possible way, building on their electronic sound and adding an even more fiercely of-the-moment view on songwriting. One of the highlights for me was Jonathan Higgs’ vocals, which electrified the music with a fierce intellect, and sparkling melodies. An ecstatic blend of so many musical styles, which results in a fantastic album. A masterpiece for today.

Okay, finally the main event. My album of the year 2018 is…

1: IDLES – Joy as an Act of Resistance.

Here we are then. Number one spot. And again, if you know me, you know there could never really have been any other album here. I first discovered IDLES earlier in the year, riding off the success of their breakout debut album Brutalism, an unstoppable punk locomotive of an album, with guitar and bass lines that are so, well, brutal, that they break down the door and hold you at gunpoint until you sit up and pay attention. This band is the perfect voice for austerity Britain, more mature than Slaves, more relevant than Sleaford Mods, and yet they walk an incredibly fine line. It’s almost impossible to define until you hear a band that possess it, but they simply make. So. Much. Sense. Joe Talbot talks with such a fiery intensity that it’s impossible not to listen, and an eloquence that is so often missing from punk. He’s so likeable, and oddly enough for punk, easy to listen to. However, don’t mistake that for the album lacking brutal riffs. Because it has those in spades. From the opening bass rumble of Colossus, JAAAOR picks you up by the scruff off your neck, and doesn’t put you down until the last manic notes of Rottweiler fade away. This is a rock record that defies rock, a punk record that doesn’t define itself as punk, and a political statement that bases its politics on the phrase “Love yourself.” This provides an infectious alternative to the toxic masculinity of so much mainstream rock, and a uniquely vulnerable take on an incredible variety of issues. Beginning with an immediate left-footing with Colossus, the album the catches its witty and caustic stride with Never Fight A Man With A Perm, going from strength to strength the whole time. I’ve never quite identified with a track lyrically as much as I’m Scum, a rallying call for liberals everywhere: “I'll sing at fascists 'til my head comes off, I am Dennis Skinner's Molotov / I'm lefty, I'm soft, I'm minimum wage job”and erupting into the chant of “this snowflake’s an avalanche”. It goes on to postulate about not caring about the next James Bond, as “we don’t need another murderous toff”. The next track is the joyous Danny Nedelko, an ode to Talbot’s friend, and frontman of Heavy Lungs, Danny Nedelko. It’s a quite magnificent celebration of immigration and diversity, and embodies the sentiment of the album as a whole quite simply with a roar of “Unity!”. Potent stuff. The next highlight (or rather lowlight) for me is the one-two punch of June and Samaritans. June is a singularly moving ode to Talbot’s stillborn daughter, building all the time to a non-existent crescendo, and repeating the six-word mantra “Baby shoes, for sale. Never worn.” Incredibly painful, raw and poignant; you feel as if you’re witnessing a moment that you really shouldn’t be, a would-be father grieving at the bedside. It then transitions into Samaritans, an anti-toxic masculinity manifesto, furious in its denial of male stereotypes: “Man up, sit down, chin up, pipe down”, and building relentlessly to sheer ecstasy of the decree: “I kissed a boy and I liked it”. Powerful, powerful stuff. Track eight, Television, is pinned down by a juddering riff complimented by the incredibly able drumming of Jon Beavis (a very much unsung hero of the group), and a wonderful self-love mantra. Moving on, Great is an anti-Brexit track than manages to reveal the hypocrisy of nationalism without ever moving into preachy politicism, which is Talbot’s greatest strength; he can make any point sound like the simplest and most honest declaration ever. Gram Rock and Cry To Me are witty, and the least overtly political tracks of the album; but even these apparent low points aren’t by any means stale, quite the opposite. Every moment of this record fizzes with energy. Finally, Joy rounds off with the magnificent Rottweiler, a searing discrediting of the UK media, ending in the wheels coming off as the tension built throughout the 42 minutes comes to a chaotic end, with Joe yelping “Unity!”over and over. I have one final thing to say about Joy; it’s production is pristine throughout, with clarity in even its most chaotic moments. This is my record of the year, because I feel no other record held my attention so completely, and was so representative of the sentiment of this year. Pure joy.

Well then, thanks for sticking with me. 2018’s been a belter of a year for music, and I can’t wait to see what 2019 brings.

[master-sass-blast]

Sass Attacks Star Wars --Part One: the Padme/Anakin relationship.

Alright. Okay. THIS has been a looonnnggg time coming.

I love Star Wars. It was my first major movie franchise. Star Wars holds a near and dear place in my heart, and it always will.

H.O.W.E.V.E.R.

There are a lot of parts that just...

No.

And, with this specific edition, I’ll be ranting about the Padme/Anakin relationship in Attack of the Clones, Star Wars the Clone Wars, and Revenge of the Sith.

Largely because I have determined that George Lucas doesn’t know how to write women.

-FIRST AND FUCKING FOREMOST: A twenty-three year old, independent, politically successful, financially well-off woman is not going to harbor a deep romantic love for a boy that she met ten years ago and hasn’t seen since.

Just... no.

It’s not going to happen.

Especially when you consider that a nineteen year old would barely be out of high school.

There usually isn’t the level of emotional maturity that would attract an adult woman to a teenager barely out of high school.

Especially when you consider that the Jedi’s version of emotional maturity is “REPRESS. EVERYTHING.”

-But, I’ll admit that Attack of the Clones Hayden Christensen is, undeniably, fucking hot.

-I mean, look at him.

-So, charitably, perhaps Padme sees Anakin --still expecting the chubby cheeked kid she met ten years ago--and goes “Hot damn.”

I mean, I would.

-And, equally as charitable, let’s assume: 1.) Anakin is better at human interaction than the lines offered in the movie and 2.) doesn’t reek of stalker-y obsession like he did in the movie.

-So, like, maybe there’s an initial physical attraction, but Padme knows that Jedi are forbidden to have attachments and that engaging in a relationship with one can cause a LOT of scandal for all parties involved, so that’s the end of that.

I know I can’t be the only one with this kind of mindset. Like, did any of you ever see someone you’d never met at a party or coffee shop before, go ‘hot damn,’ maybe flirt with them a little, only to find out later that they’re with someone?

Like, you automatically put that option off the table. Even if you have feelings for them, you don’t act on them.

That’s what Padme would do, in my opinion. She might be attracted to him, might be attracted to the power he exudes, but in the end she would know better and let the idea go.

Side note: There’s no contesting that Padme is gorgeous. She probably has a dozen Senators and nobles offering to court her at any given time. There’s probably at least five serious Republic based fanclubs for her, plus at LEAST one underground Separatist one. A Jedi PADAWAN with an obvious crush on her isn’t going to set her off-balance that much.

-And OH BOY does letting go of pursuing a relationship with Anakin end up being the right idea.

-Remember that scene in AotC, where Anakin’s bitching about the Council and Obi-Wan limiting his abilities and power while Padme packs to leave for Naboo?

-Yeah, THAT ONE.

-Any self respecting woman knows that when a guy starts bitching like that (and not venting frustrations or talking, BITCHING) an immediate red flag needs to go up.

I’ve met guys that did stuff like that, over similar topics that Anakin whined about, in a similar attitude, and WHOO BOY.

At best, they were apathetic disasters that had no motivation for life and minimal empathy for others. Classic selfish assholes.

At worst, they were actual sociopaths/psychopaths (and, yes, I’m dead serious).

-And, even if Padme has sympathy for Anakin’s “predicament” (more on that at another date), his behavior clearly shows that he’s not ready for a relationship --even if he wasn’t a Jedi.

-So, aside from being off limits, he’s emotionally immature. End of story, end of attraction.

-BUT THEN: the flight to Naboo happens.

-And it’s OBVIOUS Anakin’s flirting with her.

-Which, ya know, awkward, but excusable.

-Until he tells her that he dreams about her.

Even as a preteen, nothing about this line was romantic to me. It did not “set fire” to my loins then, and it especially doesn’t now that I’m twenty.

Like, if the guy is not your partner, there’s nothing sweet about hearing that you’ve been “dreamed about.”

It’s really creepy. Like, when I was younger, I thought it was just cringey. Now that I’m older, it’s just creepy and a clear indication that Anakin either doesn’t care about Padme’s comfort or is just EXTREMELY bad at reading emotional and social cues.

I mean, I’d buy the latter, because --ya know--the Jedi order, but the context doesn’t change that it only repels/destroys any growing attraction.

-So now, Anakin’s gone from “forbidden fruit,” to “arrogant and emotionally immature,” to “awkward, but forgivable,” to “awkward and creepy.”

-And they’re going to spend a lot of time together in an isolated location with minimal contact with other people.

-And, ladies, we all know what we do when we hit situations like that:

Spend as little time with the person as possible and contact for help/a replacement, that’s right!

-So, assuming that Padme goes this route, the kiss scene never happens. The scene with the black dress:

(Yeah, that ^^^^^ dress) Never happens. Ever.

-Anakin still has nightmares about his mother, and Padme still agrees to help, because one of Padme’s best personality traits is her compassion for others.

-They go to Tatooine. Padme dresses much more sensibly for the environment because she is a smart, educated woman with a vast wardrobe and because she’s trying to deflect attention from Anakin.

-Anakin murders the Tusken Raiders after his mother dies. Padme finds out (in a group setting, not one on one, because she’s smart enough to not isolate herself with him) and Anakin goes from an “awkward and creepy” to a “get me the fuck out of here, please.”

-They stay on Tatooine, as told, so that Padme doesn’t have to spend a lot of time with Anakin, in space, alone. This is because Padme is smart, and knows that going to a Separatist world as a Republic Senator without cover, a plan, or an idea of what she’s getting into with a guy that just murder dozens of sentient beings is not a good idea.

-Obi Wan is rescued. The Clone Army comes to save the day. Dooku gets away. Anakin and Padme are picked up by a Republic cruiser and escorted back to Coruscant.

-There is no confession of love from Padme, and no secret wedding. Padawan and Senator part ways, and Padme heaves a sigh of relief for it.

-Revenge of the Sith continues without the marriage/pregnancy sub-plot.

No one cares, because it wasn’t that convincing to begin with.

-Padme lives, and goes on to be a founder and major actor in the Underground resistance.

-Anakin goes on to be Vader by downfall via insecurity. There’s more than enough for Palpatine to manipulate without Padme in the picture.

Essentially, what bugs me about the Padme/Anakin sub-plot is that it’s deeply misogynistic and shows an utter lack of knowledge on writing women well. Padme’s status as a politician is little more than a necklace --a dazzling piece of flashy jewelry that, aside from looking good, serves no real purpose in the movies.

(I’ll grant that Padme’s status as a Senator is used far better in the TV show, but I think the full potential was never truly reached. But more on that later.)

Aside from a tiny handful of scenes, we never see her act as a Senator. We never see her using her years of experience and expertise to negotiate deals, suggest new policies, or advise the Queen she serves. We got to see Palpatine do that in Phantom Menace, but we never get to see Padme do it in the movies.

In addition, it’s abundantly and PAINFULLY clear that George Lucas doesn’t know how to write female characters, much less female characters in love. Padme doesn’t have a specific, consistent characterization in the movies. She’s all over the page, especially in Revenge of the Sith. Her emotional range is wildly underwhelming, and her intellectual prowess is completely stifled by having all the plot point lines go to the men around her.

(And I don’t mean that Natalie Portman’s emotional range is underwhelming. Movie!Padme’s emotional range is underwhelming. In my opinion, Natalie Portman got handed a shitty script and did her best.)

In the long run, Movie!Padme is nothing but Anakin’s arm candy. She rarely makes choices for herself, rarely gets to do anything that the men around her don’t approve of, and rarely has a scene without Anakin.

Also, Padme isn’t a woman in love. There isn’t one convincing moment of narrative in the movies OR the books. She just seems uncomfortable, unhappy, or disturbed. We can believe that Anakin has a crush on/obsession with Padme because of his behavior and body language, but that’s never reflected by Padme.

Side note: Anakin lists his reasons for “loving” Padme as her beauty (possibly her compassion) and the fact that she “kissed him.” Padme never gives one reason in the movies for why she loves Anakin.

Think about it.

Anyway, TL;DR: the Padme/Anakin relationship makes no sense, is poorly written, and goes against basic female behaviors towards guys like Anakin.

[michael-hearteyes-wheeler]

Growing Strange

[1]

Chapter 2: The Beginning Of The End

(AO3)  (FF.net)

High School.

A virtual battlefield of gossip, and social tyranny. More peers, bigger classrooms, sadistic teachers, nastier bullies, stricter hierarchy, and somehow even worse school lunches.

The party readied themselves with their best weapons at the forefront: El and Max. El could kick anyone's ass, she proved that well enough, and Max could talk her way out of any situation.

They were as excited as they were fearful. Being another year older meant more freedom. They were closer to driving, to getting jobs, to becoming adults and achieving their goals. More rigorous classes meant that studying might actually be a challenge, one they were eager to take on. More elective options meant Will could take ceramics and drawing, and that Dustin could finally be the light tech for theater. Mike was pleased to learn the AV club needed a new president, and Lucas was considering trying out for baseball. Max was just stoked that the schools quad had great curbs and hills for skating on, and El was glad she shared almost all of her classes with her friends.

Puberty hit the group like a brick wall, especially the boys. Dustin's chubby cheeks were replaced with slightly more angular ones, and all of his teeth had come in beautiful and straight. Will was more or less still pretty shrimpy, but his deep and wide set eyes, and finally outgrowing his bowl cut made him strikingly handsome.

Probably the most noticeable differences had been in Lucas and Mike. Lucas was no longer gangly and baby faced. He had become muscular over the long summer months of lawn mowing and hedge trimming. It earned him a lot of attention from other girls at school, but Max could scare them away with a well placed scowl. Max herself had developed a beautiful rosy tan, and her hair was brighter than ever. They were a gorgeous couple, unafraid to stand up for each other, and not even slightly concerned about hiding their public displays of affection.

As for Mike, he had spouted like a weed. By the time Winter of 85' rolled around he was pushing 6' and still growing. It got the point where El had to stand on her tiptoes to kiss him (not that she cared). His rounded face had become chiseled, and his fluffy hair had become erratically curly. The only thing that never really changed where the sprinkling of freckles on his cheeks that El would trace whenever they held each other.

El herself was earning more attention from others in school. El was beautiful, painfully so. She always had been, but now that she was older, and her baby-face had faded, it was ridiculous. El never really seemed to care or even notice, but Mike sure as hell did. He would see the way boys gawked at her, and wrap his arm a little tighter around her waist in the halls. Or whenever someone would be leering over her at her locker, he would run up from behind and surprise her with a kiss.

He got picked on. People would ask him how he ever got someone like El, and in truth, he didn't even know. She was just so perfect. So funny, and nice. So thoughtful and insightful. So compassionate, and intelligent. It made his head spin to think that he was the one that got to hold her hand, and walk her home, and love her.

But whenever he would start to doubt himself, she was always there. To reassure him, and let him know exactly how she felt. To her it just made sense. Mike, The Party, all of them. They were the perfect friends, and it was painful to even to imagine something splitting them apart.

It just seemed to unfathomable.

One huge upside to being in highschool, is the freedom that comes with being old enough to get a real job, and drive a real car.

Lucas and Max both monopolized the lawn mowing industry. All of the old and lazy people in Hawkins had sharp, grassy yards, and meticulously groomed gardens thanks to them. When Max turned fifteen she got a handed down car from her step dad that meant way more adventures. The little orange hatchback broke down a lot, and most of her money went right back into it. But man, did she look cool driving up to school with El by her side.

Will took a part time job working with his mom at Melvald's. He enjoyed greeting customers and was one of the friendliest cashiers the store had ever had. Plus his mother was over the moon that they got to carpool and she could see him more. He spent most of his money on sketchbooks and the hottest new thing in the music technology: CD's.

El and Dustin worked part time at the library. Which mostly consisted of them hiding in less frequented sections to read returned books rather than actually putting the books away. It also meant Dustin could finally buy the big 1970's VW van he had wanted since he was little. It made for a lot of great camping trips and long drives to the city.

Mike worked at the local movie theater some days, and at the Radio Shack other days. He famously spread himself too thin, but he couldn't pass up the perks of getting free movie tickets and access to the latest technological advancements. When he turned fifteen his parents got him a sensible car that made for a lot of date nights and long talks with El out on romantic scenic overlooks.

Jobs aren't always fun, but when the benefit is making out in you new car after being able to pay for a real dinner, it's hard to complain.

As they got older, and time wore on, that obliviousness to pain faded. It seemed like one by one, they all had their demons to face.

Like when Max's step brother got kicked out during her sophomore year.

She had gone home with Lucas one afternoon in late fall. Hand in hand, and laughing with each other without a care in the world, they walked in on utter chaos that left the red-head reeling for months afterwards.

Billy and Neil, practically tearing the house apart in the fight to end all fights. Plates smashed, the TV broken. Her mother crying in the bathroom. They had turned to leave, when Billy turned on her. Or rather, on Lucas. He pinned him against the wall and screamed that Lucas was the one tearing their family apart, and that he was getting Max into trouble. It was baseless, of course, but in Billy's mind, Lucas was who he needed to take his anger out on.

Max watched from the sidelines and screamed and slapped at Billy's arms and shoulder, begging him to let Lucas go. He did, but not until Lucas had a black eye and a busted lip.

Billy got kicked out, and Neil forbid Max from seeing Lucas anymore, as if that would solve whatever demented issues he had. With Billy gone, Neil's aggression shifted towards Max's mother, and even worse, sometimes to Max herself.

She never let her families backwards view of her relationship affect the way she left about Lucas. Hiding their love from her parents just made everything more exciting. It meant sneaking out, it meant Lucas hiding in her closet or under her bed when her mother checked on her while he was at her house late at night. It meant long car rides out of town and into the hills where no one could see or cared that they loved each other.

Will's demons came for him too. All his life he had this secret burning inside of him. A secret he could only tell El, and eventually Max because he knew they wouldn't care. It ate him up inside. Feeling like there was something wrong with him, or that the people he loved wouldnt understand, or would leave him once they found out. He became distant, detached, vacant, and haunted. Filling more and more sketchbooks with eery looking images of his own internal struggle.

His mother tried to get it out of him, tried to let him know that she would love him no matter what secret he might be hiding, but Will was too scared. He would sit in silence in class and look out the window, and try to push his feelings aside. The feelings of warmth and infatuation with the boy who sat in front of him in History. The one with the silky brown hair and the charming smile. The one who laughed whenever Will would make a joke under his breath that he thought no one could hear. The one who was dating a pretty girl, the way Will thought he was supposed to.

El and Max pleaded with him, begged him to open up. That his friends would understand, that nothing could change. All he could do was promise he would think about, and wait for the right moment.

That moment never came. Not until it had festered inside of him and grown until it was bigger than he was, and he was bursting at the seems.

They were all sitting in Mike's basement. Mike and El on the couch, sharing a blanket and bowl of popcorn, Lucas, Max and Dustin lounging on the floor in a heated debate about Multi-universe theory, and Will, sitting alone at the table trying to draw and feeling like he was falling into a hole.

"I have something to tell you!" He blurted, face red and voice trembling.

Everyone stopped dead in their tracks, and turned to face their anxious friend. Max and El shared a knowing glance and smiled at him reassuringly.

"You have to promise that you won't hate me after I tell you. You have to swear." Will's voice was intent.

"Of course we promise, Will, we could never hate you." Mike gave him the same assured smile that El had.

"Okay..." Will took a deep shaky breath and closed his eyes. "I... I like boys... The way i'm supposed to like girls... Im gay. And I want to be able to share this part of myself with all of you because I don't think I can keep fighting it anymore."

No one said anything. Will kept his gaze at the ground, terrified to make eye contact. Terrified to see whatever expressions of disgust splayed across the faces of his best friends. A beat passed, and Will felt like he was going to burst in tears when Dustin of all people finally piped up.

"I'm proud of you Will." His voice was soft, not a common occurrence for him, and his eyes were kind. Will looked up to meet his gaze with a look of surprise.

"You... you're proud of me?"

"I know that cannot be an easy thing to open up about, but i'm happy you finally did." Dustin smiled back at him.

"Wait... finally?"

"We have... Kind of all known for awhile." Lucas added with a small voice.

"You did!?" Will shot El and Max accusing glances but they shrugged.

"We always figured I guess, but we wanted to let you come to us with it whenever you were ready." Mike beamed at his smaller friend.

"So you don't hate me?" Will's voice was thick with tears.

"We could never hate you, Will." Mike leaned forward to place an reassuring hand on Will's knee.

That night marked one of the biggest admissions in The Parties history. Another notch in the belt (so to speak) tying them together, binding them with faith and trust and unwavering love for each other. Will never worried about hiding things from his friends. None of them worried about hiding things, actually. Not anymore.

As the years progressed, and sophomore year turned into Junior, and another blissful summer turned into fall, that love never failed to grow. Sometimes strange, and sometimes crooked, but they grew.

Mike and El often seemed like the culmination of that devotion. A pair of best friends who read each other with mere wordless glances. Blissfully supportive and loving of each other no matter what circumstances they found themselves in.

Childlike admission of liking, and blushing at hands and gentle kisses turned into deep fiery love. Promises to stay together forever, whispered in the dark at night, in the passenger seats of cars, in each others rooms when they should be home sleeping. Innocent daydreams about being friends for the rest of their lives become a daunting and even frightening realization. Playing games and messing around became study, and planning a future as it sprawled out before them.

Kissing became routine. Loving each other became a given. Being in love became... difficult to understand.

That was when the final blow struck. The one that cut deep into their hearts. The one that seemed like they could never fix it, not even as a group, not even as lovers, because it was bigger than they were, and it meant more than they knew how to cope with.

It was the Summer of 88'. The summer before senior year. The last summer they would ever have that didn't have strings attached.

It was the summer of 88', when the fires started.

It had been small at first. Just a brush fire that got a little carried away when a farmer further up the river was burning what was left from his crops the months before. Just a standard burning, the kind he had done a thousand time before. The kind that every farmer does every season when it's time to clear out the fields before winter. It would have been fine. It should have been fine, but it wasn't.

It was an exceptionally dry summer, and one of the warmest on record. Couple that, with just the right wind speed, blowing in just the right direction, and within hours the entire forest surrounding the eastern side of his property was engulfed in hot orange flames.

You could smell the smoke for miles. El woke up out of her midday nap, curled up in Mike's arms on the couch in his basement to the smell. Together they ran through the house, checking every inch to make sure it wasn't them that was burning. When El finally looked outside, she saw the flickering of ash falling just out the window. Like snow. Like the most ominous, and heart-wrenchingly terrifying snow on a hot summer's day.

Mike flipped on the kitchen radio and listened in on the reports, that the fire was spreading fast, that firefighters were already on sight, that it was moving too quickly. El called Lucas, who had Max and Dustin at his house. Dustin called Will, and the Party convened at Mike's house less than 15 minutes later. It was like some strange unspoken plan passed between their eyes as they watched the ash fall, and Dustin choked on the smoke, and it burned Max's eyes.

They all wordlessly hopped in Mikes car, and drove west, towards the woods. The streets were mostly empty, save for the handful of other people standing on their lawns, shielding their eyes from the sun and staring into the sky. Mike stopped the car at the end of a long forgotten logging road deep in the wood, about 2 miles from where the fire was currently ravaging.

They got out of the car, all still in the suspended silence, and crossed through the woods the way they had a million times before. Following the same deer trails, stepping over the same mossy logs, and around the same boulders. The smoke was worse in the woods, and it was hard to imagine that every piece of ground they touched might soon succumb to the same fate as the woods further east.

They reached the same small bend in the river, where it was shallow and narrow, where they used the same log to cross that they had since they were children. The moss was word down slick from years and years of use by The Party, and other teens in the area. It had once been a place where El and Max would sit and swing their legs, while their boyfriends splashed around bellow. It had once been a place where Will laughed so hard that he fell from atop it, and sprained his wrist. It had once been a place where it felt like nothing could ever go wrong.

Once on the other side, it was a 10 minute walk to the top of a cliff that overlooked the entire town. Trudging silently, moving quickly, just short of running to the perch. El was the first to reach the peak. Just as suddenly as she stepped out of the tree line, the entire valley came into view, as well as the river that tore through it. Her voice caught in her throat when she saw the flames burning on the other side.

Lucas climbed into a tree with his binoculars. Max and Dustin sat on a tall boulder, watching the fire helicopters dropping water and extinguisher across the landscape. Will, Mike and El stood on the edge of the hills slope, looking down at the chaos bellow. Even miles away you could feel the heat. You could smell the smoke. You could choke on it.

There were tears in their eyes as they watched the fire burn away the memories they had made in those woods. The one they had all played in growing up. The one that sheltered them on rainy hikes. The one that served at a meeting point for sneak outs. The one that held them when they camped. The one El and Mike shared their first kiss in.

It was hard to tell through the smoke, but El made out the clearing that the tree was in. Their tree. The one with the initials and the physical representation of their bond. She could see the fire dance dangerously close to those trees. They sat in silence, waiting and watching, holding each other and pacing. It felt like the end of the world. It felt like the apocalypse. As they saw birds fleeing, and small groups of deer bounding into the water.

Eventually, the clearing, and their tree, were consumed.

Once the fire reached the river, it was easier to keep in from spreading. The wind shifted in their favor, pushing the flames into the water. Helicopters continued their downpour, sirens could still be heard in the distance. It seemed small, once it was all almost said and done with, and the sun began to set off to their right, and the smoke had cleared enough that you could actually take in the sight of the damage.

Everything was blackened, the air felt hot, but it was mostly over. So why did it feel so painful? It was just a tree, and they would love each other without it, so why did it scare each of them so badly? Why did it feel like the beginning of some ending? Like their story was coming to a close?

Because symbols are powerful things. And you put a lot of faith in them even when you don't mean too. Because losing the forest they had grown up in, felt like losing a friend.

There was a somber energy that blanketed the town after the fire. Two volunteers were in the hospital, and a firefighter from the next town over died when he walked to far into the woods. The landscape for miles were blackened on the outskirts of town. 1280 acres of farmland and forest demolished. Four barns and a historic farmhouse gone.

Nothing in the party changed directly. They still saw each other everyday, and hung out every weekend, but it was becoming clear that their childhood was over.

There was a day, right before school started, that that fact became all too clear for El.

Sitting in Mike's basement, reading lazily as she lounged on the floor, her head resting in his lap as he studied. She moved her book to look at him and smiled. He often bit his lips when he focused. She saw the crease in his forehead as he hastily erased another equation he couldn't quite figure out. He had taken summer courses, something Max referred to as 'Top tier nerd behavior', but El was proud of him. Mike has determined to always push himself, to always learn and grow.

He groaned and erased something, and flipped back through his textbook.

"Hey, why don't you take a break. We can go get ice cream or something and you can clear your head." She reached up and twisted her finger around one of his messy curls.

He smiled back at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I can't El, I have to finish this right now or it will be late."

"It's not due until tomorrow at like... noon. You can take a little break." She poked her favorite freckle on his cheek but he was already looking back at his paper, only grumbling in reply. "Come ooon, Mike, summer is almost over, you have worked so hard, lets go goof off for a little bit."

He was ignoring her at this point, but she wasn't going to give up. She rolled off of him and sat up, wrapping her arms and legs around him from behind like a koala (as he so often called it). She rested her chin on his shoulder and looked over his messy notes. It made her head spin just from looking at it. She was always more of a literature buff, and his crazy mathematical physics always blew her mind.

"Miikkee" She drug his name out. "Michael." She hugged him harder and poked his sides. "Mike Wheeler if you don't stop looking at that paper I will tickle torture you until you pee your pants like that one time."

Finally he dropped his pen and pinched the bridge of his nose. "First of all, we were ten. Second of all, I really need to study and you are being super distracting and its making me mad."

"You usually like it when I distract you." El teased, thinking fondly on all the times she had saved a stressed out Mike from his own frustration.

"Okay well now isn't one of those times. Can you please get off of me?" His voice was uncharacteristically cold.

El scooted away from him and shifted to sit across from him on the floor. "Why are you being so rude? It's literally just homework. For a class you didn't even have to take."

"Because I want to get into a good college and extra classes like this look good on college applications." Mike had fully shoved his papers away from his lap and was looking at her with the exasperation usually only reserved for Lucas and Dustin.

"Mike, you are the smartest person I know. You don't need to stress yourself out so badly over one stupid class. You will get into a great school with or without going and taking a break with me. Besides, that's an entire year away." El felt her own temper start to come out. She wasn't exactly the post patient person in the world, and Mike was almost worse than she was.

"El, we can't all live at our parents house forever."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, that im stressing about this because I want to get out of here as fast as I can. I just want to be able to go to a school that I love, and leave this shit town behind. I'm sorry you can't understand that."

Her jaw dropped. Sure things in Hawkins weren't the best. And sure his parents made him feel suffocated and isolated all at the same time, but it wasn't that bad was it? Not enough for him to be blowing up and fuming over this.

"Whatever Mike. i'm going home. Get the stick out of your ass and call me when you realize you are being ridiculous." And with that El grabbed her bag and walked out of the basement door.

She waited at the edge of his yard for a few minutes, despite the heat and humidity. Usually whenever they got into arguments like this, Mike just needed a second to realize he was being hurtful and would come apologize. But he never came out. She stared down the hill at the closed basement door and felt her blood boil until she turned on her heels and stomped home.

It was just a little argument. Maybe they had both said some things that were uncalled for. El tried to rationalize it until she was blue in the face. But he never called, and she went to bed feeling like something had broken.

She realized they were not kids anymore. That maybe Mike was right, and she really just didn't understand. It felt like something was changing. Like the beginning of the end.

Tagging: @el-themage @mileventwentyfourseven @claudia-henderson

[aesjae]

Boyfriend! Chen Le

#10 of Boyfriend! Series

Taeil | Johnny | Taeyong | Yuta | Kun | Doyoung | Ten | Jaehyun | WinWin | Jungwoo | Lucas | Mark | Xiao Jun | Hendery | Renjun | Jeno | Haechan | Jaemin | Yang Yang | Chen Le | Jisung

Style/ Genre: Headcanon/ - Word Count: 1,492 Date posted: 4 Dec 2017

so finally! ! our beloved happy-go-lucky dolphin

he’s like the same age as me gosh

so this hyperactive little boy would be one of the most hyperactive boyfriends ever ( i mean- )

he would also be one of the most positive and carefree ones

for me, i would say that considering his age and personality

he wouldn’t take relationships that seriously

not saying that he would not be committed to the relationship

in fact, he would be a really loyal boyfriend even though sometimes he might be too playful to seem like it

instead, he would take relationships as a special bond between two fated best friends 

chen le being a boyfriend will be like asdfghjkl adorbs af? 

like chen le would be that clingy boyfriend yet not so clingy boyfriend 

when he feels needy and in need of love, he’ll cling onto you like some koala 

those would be the times when he will be super whiny, whining to you to give him more of your attention 

“euhhhhh (Y/N)~ you go out with your friends so often it’s like you forgot about me :-((( look at me more pleaseeeeee” 

// literally wraps both of his arms around you tightly //

“.-. chenle-ahhhh, you have your Dreamies and hyungs too!! you know i don’t meet my friends often because of school, so...”

“But the hyungs have their girlfriends/ boyfriends too!!!! they give more attention to their s/o instead of me :-( gimme more tooooo”

you: // looks at chen le’s cute pouty face, heart melts, sighs // 

but ofc, chen le would be understanding of you! 

he wouldn’t be extremely whiny and will give you personal space for you to lead your own personal life

he might be quite involved in your personal life, but would know when to give you the space and privacy when needed

depend on chen le to be your positivity influencer! !

chen le is a naturally positive and cheerful person

so having him as a boyfriend would mean LOTS of smiles and laughter

even if you are miles away from him

text messaging him or calling him themselves will make your shitty day so much better

because chen le is like a light bulb -- bright and alluring

and also that he becomes the light that guides you out of your dark times

he would be very supportive

understanding your problems and difficulties

chen le himself has been through stardom since a young age

thus he would understand what it is like to face tremendous stress in society

especially due to the expectations of other people

he would crouch down to you

gently taking your hands that were covering your face out of helplessness and defeat into his

burying your face in his shoulders

and he would stay silent 

as he knew that what you needed most was company

and emotional and mental support

hence, his physical presence would comfort you the most, and he knew that

sometimes, if you were really feeling at your wits and really frustrated

chen le may softly sing a song for you

allowing his smooth and soothing voice to heal the wounds in your heart

i mean have you heard predebut chen le’s singing like omg it’s like the absolute lullaby 

for some reason, even though chen le has a very outgoing and loud personality,

when it comes to emotional and mental stuff like these

i feel that he would adopt a more mature and quiet manner towards them

naturally, he would not only be a sensible young guy, but a sensible and respectful boyfriend as well

that’s actually really amazing considering his young age

similarly like jeno, he might treat you to your favourite food, like taking you out for ice cream dates etc.

or just pulling you out of your house silently

and allowing chen le to bring wherever he was bringing you since you were too despondent to look up

only to realise that chen le had brought you to the place of your comfort food

as long as he saw you still eating normally even during tough times, he would be glad

as he smiles warmly at you as you slowly chew on your food

he would be a really very understand s/o so he would be careful with his words whenever he sensed that you were feeling off

that would be quiet side of sweet and caring chen le for you

here comes fun chen le lmao

we definitely cannot forget that chen le is still a very playful kid

hence, both of you would be leading a relationship full of naive and pure (adolescent) love

in fact, after knowing chen le and getting into a relationship with him, 

you would have realised that your days had became happier and you seldom would have any dark ones

because whenever you were on the urge of feeling down, 

chen le would coincidentally find you and start hanging out with you

not allowing you to wallow in your own sadness

but ofc, that was a good thing

well, okay, fights.

i mEAN PLAY FIGHTS 

chen le is also very adventurous

so adventurous + playful would definitely equate to some very exhausting but fun activities down with him

like water fights, laser tag, paintball, etc.

even though these activities are usually more fun being played in large groups,

playing them with chen le would still be a blast

every now and then, 

your and chen le’s neighbours would be able to witness you and chen le chasing each other around with water/ paint bombs in each of your hands, 

both of you drenched in either water or multicolour liquid 

it might have seemed like child play

but tbh

whoever witnesses the both of you having fun with each other

would envy both of you so much

because it was evident that both of you would be having so much fun and enjoying each other’s company

anybody who sees both of you would just wish to have a relationship as carefree and pure as both of yours

oh but sometimes you might be jealous ey

especially when chen le and jisung start to spend too much time together

and chen le may momentarily forget about you

suddenly, you may realise that chen le is playing frisbee, playing football, playing nintendo, watching movies, pranking the other nct members, all with jisung

and barely with you

this might upset you a bit

chen le might be quite carried away too 

especially after a whole hectic promotion

he might have been hurried to spend some rest time with his members, and his best friend

hence, he might have accidentally forgotten about his most special best friend that had been waiting for his return since the start of his promotions

observant and sensible dream leader Mark would have noticed this

and he might take a seat beside you,  and maybe just casually chat with you because you seemed quite despondent sitting all alone

after chatting with you, Mark would found out the reason behind you sulking in a corner, and might approach chen le 

for a moment chen le would be like ???? (Y/N)????? sulking??? why?? where??

but then when Mark continued talking

chen le would reflect upon the past few days when he purely focused on resting and having a break with the dream members that he totally forgot about you

he would rush up to you and be like super apologetic

giving you an adorable puppy face

“sorry (Y/N)-ahhhh i didn’t mean to forget about you :-( you know how hectic our promotions were, i guess i just got too carried away thinking about taking a break with the members... ㅠㅠ you know i still constantly have you on my mind”

you might try to tease him

“yeah... sure... constantly on your mind only to be thrown to a corner, completely isolated and forgotten like an abandoned rag doll :-(”

“ㅠㅠ don’t be like thissss forgive me your highnesssss,,,,,,”

“;;-;; okay, you are forgiven you stupid prince”

“huehue, i promise i won’t forget about you again. and btw, you are definitely more beautiful and more precious than a rag doll :-D 따랑해! ! ! (saranghae but with a lisp)” //makes a big heart with his arms above his head//

yeah i have no idea what to say for chen le HAHA

but overall, 

a relationship with chen le would definitely be so cute it would be admired by many of your peers! !

even your parents may fondly look over the both of you and be reminded by their young days together

and while they think about the young days they had spent together till the present

chen le would be thinking about the days when he would spend his future growing older by every second with you by his side

laughing, smiling and being in the company of his one and only, irreplaceable, special best friend that he loves

[unedited]