#and they didnt explain why people are compulsive

[thatneoncrisis]

could you explain your reasoning for butch harrow? im asking this in a way a student asks a master

ok so. up top: do i think harrow is butch in canon? no. god no. absolutely not. secret third category of person. not butch or femme shes just like A Guy who really fucking likes black

however i do think that between those two ends of a nebulous spectrum, being butch would be way more comfortable for her than femme, if we think of it in the most traditional sense for both sides. there are literally exceptions to every rule femmes can have short hair and wear pants, butches can have long hair and wear makeup yadda yadda. but the way she interacts with certain elements of her presentation in canon just felt to ME, PERSONALLY, that being traditionally feminine would freak her the fuck out

ive seen people compare her compulsion to wear the skull paint to a need to wear makeup and i. very much disagree. id see it more as like, an overtly religious thing, like a nuns habit or a hijab, its modesty and how she shows respect for her god, also routine, its as natural as putting on pants for her. and also frankly if it was an analog for traditional makeup that would be uuuuh awful. like I genuinely feel terrible for women who cannot even leave the house without foundation or contouring or whatever i dont know shit about makeup but holy fuck. if shes femme in that analog id be shaking her by the shoulders GIRL. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE A NAKED ANIMAL

another thing is her hair. so many people read her having short hair and immediately went to a bob or a pixie cut. and between tamsyns inconsistent description of the length of her hair in book one (saying its stuck to her face with sweat despite them being there for like, a month) and the htn cover being The best image we have of her, i understand that conclusion. but in the beginning of gtn its said its close cropped, tamsyn said on her blog post describing all the characters its "cut short (as benefits someone in a monestary)" which is a very interesting choice of words tbh. like im sute she didnt mean harrow is completely bald in the middle with a ring of hair but that Is the monk haircut. and then finally harrow says to gideon outright "i wont cut you bald-even though your hair is ridiculous- because I know you wont shave it every day" which i always took to mean being shaved down to the scalp is just how the ninth is traditionally. in harrow the ninth its said "occasionally ticklish rasps at your ears or forehead would frighten you numb before you realized ut was your own hair" indicating that she is not used to that length at all. also theres the fact that ianthe made her hair grow faster particularly to fuck with her. in short harrows haircut is shitty and utilitarian and any fussing with it has only been described in relation to her direct discomfort

finally theres that goddamn dress scene. why did ianthe put her in that stupid fucking thing. humilation tactic (im exaggerating but it basically was explicitly and exclusively for ianthes own amusement). shes such a simple girl, she just wanted something that could cover her up. its not impossible to have a longsleeved formless dress, but beyond my own opinion that i think harrow would have been uncomfortable in anything, i think the fact this like, explicit symbol of femininity is used to further degrade her in some sense in a room full of people who font reapect her feels like. intentional on the authors end. it quite literally just isnt her, its not even a true black its like a deep midnight blue. you get the pretty woman makeover scene but harrow comes out of it more miserable and resigned than ever. augustines approval means nothing. she looks in the mirror and sees her mother, a woman she appears to not have a single fond memory about. its all very sad

tldr when i talk about butch harrow its less about her "being butch" and more about how unfemme i think she is. also i want more butch4butch dykes i think gideon and camilla should teach her how to tie a tie.

[mellohd]

EMH Marble Hornets AU!!

ok i know im not creative when it comes to aus but i thought itd be interesting to tell the story of MH through EMH’s story? IF YOU GUYS HAVE THOUGHTS OR QUESTIONS PLS LEAVE SOME IN MY INBOX!!! :-]( or even questions for the MH!EMH characters heh)1

Basically its just marble hornets told through EMH, for example instead of “tapes i found” story telling theyd open a youtube channel for tips and tricks on making your own movie while they make their own called Marble Hornets! EMH/MLA spoilersish up ahead

Heres the character correspondences:

Alex-> Jeff

Jay-> Vinnie

Tim-> Evan

Brian-> Michael!MLA

Jess-> Alex!EMH

Amy ->Jeffs GF(so sorry i forgot her name 😭)

“Masky”->Habit(which makes sense depending on the theories you go with for either series)

“Hoody”->Patrick (same as the last one)

Characters in cant figure out an association with:

Steph, Jess(Evans bestfriend) Shaun So they might just not have a place in this story idk

Since Mlanderson and EMH are in the same universe i thought id make Brian the Michael/Patrick of this story, except more involved. Instead of their being a shaun i think id like Brian to just go to MH crew, if ykwim. I did this cause the only other character i thought could fit Brian was Alex!EMH and I didnt like that.

My take on Masky is that hes just a more aware Tim, not a separate being (tho i do like to think of it that way for fun sometimes ha ha). Masky in my mind was in a battle against the operators control and was ultimately trying to help Jay. I think Masky would br Habit in this series cause of the theory that Habit is one of the first few iterations of Evan, thats why theyre similar and so compatible etc if you know the theory you know. That does mean that Tim isnt gonna act all ha ity, just more erratic i think, i havent gone tooooooo far into a characterization(or even a name) for Emh!MH Habit yet

“Hoody” I see as just brian and he was just disguising himself. in this au “Hoody” would be patrick. Let me explain,

Frim what i gathetef through my second watch of EMH and, my first of MLA , patrick is just Michael but remembers every single iteration, hes a similar being to Habit, thats why he has powers ig? Look i havent gotten too far into theories fir MLA the fandom is so dead i never see any 😭😭. I dont want to get to far into theories on other series anyways cause rhis is about my AU so ANYYYYWAYS i think brian would fit that its just brians story doesnt fit entirely with Michael, actually Tim would probably fit more now that i think about it. Oh god now im thinking of switching them again uhm wtv

I think the rest of the correspondences make sense if you think about it a bit. Jay as Vinnie makes sense to me because of boths compulsive need for answers even though its destructive to those around them. Jay wouldnt be as much as a villain in this like vinnie is (or maybe i havent decided muahaha). I also thought they fit cause they both do that weird thing where they constatly have to document everything.

I thought tim eould fit Evan just cause of the whole habit arc.

Alex as Jeff was more of a fill a role thing that eventually made sense to me. I did think of making him Evan and Tim Jeff, and im still thinking of doing this, but i thought the whole finding the gf arc would fit alex more. Alex would still be one of the villains i think. Like i said this would be marble hornets told through EMH lol. I might even switch it up and assign a habit type role to Alex instead and there be two patrick characters who knows!

As you can tell im still thinking this through so maybe mext post i make about this will be more solid. if youre interested to talk about this kore with me(obv my inbox) or i have a slenderverse discord i made with my friend heh tik tok smug emoji. come join if youre looking for more slenderverse friends(and if youre interested in darkharvest and mla especially cause i need more people to talk about that to 😭😭)

[idiosinkratico]

i forgor to post this. these are my different couriers. more below. WARNING: theres actually A LOT of text. i went kinda crazy there..

okay so the first one... i cant choose his name, well, i do have his name is just that does it make sense? like the reason he haves that names, does it make sense? How does it make sense that a Hispanic family chose that name since they have reserved what little remains of their culture for years? So it all started clearly with the fact that their ancestors were Hispanic, the war came, they were among the few who managed to enter one of the Vaults. and well, the family wanted to maintain their identities so among themselves from generation to generation they continue speaking Spanish and having some hispanic practices adhered into them. Although over the years, after getting used to the new society, they 'lose' a bit of that. For example, they speak more English now than they did back in 2127. Yes, I made this OC to experience a bit of what other cultures/nationalities would be like in Fallout, whose world focuses more on the United States than anything else.

Well anyway his name is Ismael surname Barrera. Now to actually explain who he is, he's of course, courier six, but he is more of a traveler than anything else. his gender is quite unknown, not even them can explain it, and he doesnt care if he gets confused glances. is whatever for him (have you noticed the lil bit of self insert yet?). oh and also he likes to travel for the sake of learning new places, new people and how the Wasteland works. she also is a Prospector (polite name for scavenger. yes i robbed this phrase from the game). he loveees to collect stuff, which is why he wears the roving trader outfit! also i added other things to make it look like he does collect and reutilize things a lot. like the NCR helmet. he ISN'T from NCR (and actually critizes them a lot), but he keeps the helmet. also yes i made it deliberadly to look weird is a helmet with goggles then he wears glasses, and then again theres another goggles on his neck... why? because he never feels is enough. i mean, while collecting stuff he may have the same things because who knows if the other could be lost or broken. companions say that they look like a whole ahh brahmin pack, and that hey, they exist too. give them some of their stuff, your back doesnt look okay. as in personality, i think i let it clear hes curious. way too curious. so many times he got into combat because they looked at something and wanted to look what it was, then boom it was a big scorpion. also they are definitely idealistic, they believe that well if the world cant change, at least she haves to change, and give people a reason to believe not everything is hopeless (so yeah he has good karma). they also are analyze almost non stop, thats a part of their curiosity. and i mean like he can analyze from how the factions works and how all the options (NCR, Legion, Mr. House, and yes, even Yes Man) will affect the Mojave, lalala but also suddenly analyze hey how do robots do that thingy when a man loves a woman so much? theres way more but i think this should be enough. other stuff includes: loves history and science. collects books from time to time and reads it a lot, which explains where he gets big words. barely remembers his past other than he traveled a lot and why he does so. shes around his early twenties. major skills are: Science, Survival and Guns. Traits: Four Eyes and Hoarder. oh and;

S: 7 P: 3 E: 5 C: 4 I: 8 A: 7 L: 6

> As for the other, this one i just did recently. A compulsive liar. Havent still decided his name, though Oscar sounds good enough. Around his late twenties. Identifies as a man. Worked as a courier because he didnt have anything else better to do. After getting shot, while it wasnt of course pleasurable, he kinda liked it since finally he has something interesting to tell and is actually the truth AND he was shot for actually being important. he twists the story a bit just to make himself look better. also yes when veronica asks him where does he comes from, he unironically and bit dramatically answers "From the grave". cares a bit too much about his appearance. well more like he cares what people think of him. you can imagine the amount of joy he had when he heard in the radio about himself and how people seem to finally see him as someone famous. as for what side he goes for, he chooses Yes Man instantly. You can already see his S.P.E.C.I.A.L. status so i wont bother putting it again. Oh and he also suffers a bit of amnesia from the bullet. He has mostly good karma but since hes also bit of a robber, doesnt have the best reputation, and also, people find out he lies a bit too much. Major skills includes; Barter, Sneak and Lockpick. Traits: Kamikaze and Fast Shot.

> And the last one. Her name is Dhalia. Around her late twenties as well. Tbh that wasnt her design at first. Thats a doodle i did but i liked it so much i chose that drawing as her new design. For her i dont really know what kind of personality she may have. I guess shes the quiet, logical type of person. She values reason before all... or well thats what she says. Also shes very blunt. Doesnt tolerates at all if she sees bitchy behaviour. bit too serious but doesnt mean she doesnt have a sense of humor. She was a mercenary before becoming a courier, why did she choose to be one? to take a break... that sadly didnt last as she was shot in the head. she has more like neutral karma. Like she doesnt really 'care' about whats right or wrong. she mostly looks for herself before anything else. surviving is the first and foremost important step. that doesnt mean she can't help others though, but most of the time when she helps someone is more because she logically assumes that yeah, this is the right thing to do, and doesnt do it out of compassion. at first she was siding with Mr. House just because 'is her job' but she herself realizes that he isnt a very good choice for the Mojave. she may side more with NCR because she thinks they are the ones who may bring more stability to the Mojave, and this also probably because she was born in the NCR (i am not saying shes right) (though i cant still decided for myself what side she may take. well, i am still writting her so i guess it makes sense). Major skills are: Guns, Sneak and Medicine. Traits: Trigger Discipline and Skilled. And;

S: 6 P: 7 E: 7 C: 3 I: 8 A: 9 L: 4

- I have way more OCs (this is how i know the fixation is down bad lmao). Like i have a latinoamerican ghoul that like i want to explore once again about other cultures/nationalities in Fallout, though i guess to make it more 'fit' to themes of the franchise, will be about the American dream, though i dunno if there was such thing like that in Pre-War America, which is why i am kinda leaving him on the dust until i know better about this. Then theres also another ghoul who is an old doctor lady, actually inspired in one my very old OCs and realized that i could just make her a ghoul and thats it. That is more of my love towards old ghouls... we need them more, desperadly. also made her to be from Vault 12 and be one of the ghouls to leave the area around when Set was set (no pun intended) for leader. likes to medically study how ghoul transformation works. also works as a doctor as she has quite the knowledge from Pre-War medicine. i also have a human guy OC thats a mechanist and in him i want to explore about undiagnosed neurodivergence in a world like Fallout.

and and my favorite so far but i cant even know if she fits is a First-Gen supermutant OC thats (again) a mechanist and a crafter! shes Olivia. she makes and fixes supermutants' armor, in fact decorated her own armor hehehe. though of course she doesnt make every armor for supermutants, she came from my question of where the hell do supermutants get their armor? like of course they won't use humans' armor, thats way too tiny. then again they have to get the right resources for an armor thats actually an armor, like whats the matter in putting materials that will be just like dressing with cardboards? but besides that, she also makes other stuff that are like, common day-to-day stuff, but, for supermutants! i mean like, stuff like humans may use and if supermutants may use too, she makes it to be more accesible to supermutants, and she does so because of the feeling of community between eachother, like she cares for them and wants to help. i still feel like she may not fit within supermutants a lot though (i have the need to make OCs as accurate as possible based in the world they are in). but i guess thats whats fun is about. oh and also, i made her because man we need more female supermutants!!! for a bit of backstory, as i said shes a First-Gen supermutant meaning that she comes from The Unity, shes like one of the people that came from one of the Vaults. i still work on what her opinion is about being transformed in a supermutant... if she finds it better or not. anyway. after The Master goes kaboom along The Cathedral and Mariposa Base, she as other supermutants wandered around The Wasteland until finding Broken Hills in where she finds she likes crafting stuff besides armor. She worked as a miner there. Then basically she follows Marcus with the other supermutants until settling in Jacobstown. Also I don't know if this stupid and nonsensical but like remember Tabitha's wig? So uh yeah do you know Olivia also likes scavenging around places to find the resources for her crafts, and also along the way bring resources for her community. what if she finds a wig and some heartshapped and gives it to Tabitha, as a gift yes. im sorry for bringing Canon + Non canon interaction.... she is quite saddened by what happened in Black Mountain. if she could she would have take Neil's place to look out for the place but shes busy with her own stuff. also shes close friend with Lily Bowen hehehe and lets her ramble about her grandkids (again. heh. get it?)

Uh well i think i said enough already. that was all bye bye!

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[selfundiagnosed]

the way this looks from an outside perspective is so funny like it kind of DOES look like im fed bad news through invisible headphones when people are talking to me because then the get all scary looking and suddenly stop talking to me and theyre like whats going on..? im like damn cant i react to whats in my head ? fawwwwk. I just never knew thats probably how people interpret that looking like. Or 10 seconds to diffuse a bomb I LAUGHED. Baby i have been solving the worlds greatest mystery since I could think coherently i cant believe this is what i look like to other people? I didnt know pure o ocd was a thing? Therapy has had me all kinds of gaping. I knew about the different obsessions and what categories they fall under but i never knew my rituals and compulsions were more mental than physical. Like this explains so many previous misdiagnosis’s and why i lament about whats wrong with me. I feel a cool gust of wind on my stuffy hot brain

[beingstalked]

To show these accounts were never made for the purpose of stalking them. My old twitter account I had created in College. The Ellie account I cannot find details for but it was just an account created for the hype of TLOU2. I hardly used it but called Liam out when he created an account pretending to be a character from a game, something he said I did. The details for my last twitter account I had were: Joined November 2020. I didnt initially put my name on the account or link myself to it in any way, didn't post photos of myself, just kept it as K. Liam still obsessively stalked to find me and continued to stalk. I eventually found his accounts through a mutual friend. My JK account I deleted, Liam did not get my account taken down because the account was private and had never followed or interacted with Liam on that account, Most of the time I have deleted my accounts because I want to have a social media presence without having Liam constantly having eyes on me. I've deleted my first reddit account because I'd had ago at Liam telling him to leave me and Phil alone and he would stalk and the pathetic loser he is, kept down voting. He has a thing with "if I got higher numbers than them, I'm better than them". I always joked it was small PP energy and when Liam talked about his lack of sex life on ASimpleManInADress, it explained everything. I have never wanted to be constantly pestered by Liam, I've removed myself on certain platforms to try stop this behaviour. Yet when I remove myself, Liam will look for hours on different platforms to find me, to feed this obsession he has with me. He always says he's stalked and harassed by me, yet I have tried removing myself multiple times, and he always comes to whatever platform I'm on. If I was stalking and harassing him, why has he never tried removing himself, why has he created new accounts when I've blocked him, to then stalk me on the new account. Why does he care so much about me? Why has he cared so much for 4 years about what I do with my life? How would he know I've blocked his new accounts on Reddit when I don't interact with them? Simple answer, because he goes to stalk my account to see what I've been saying, then realised hes blocked. On Twitter he used to react to what he did, followed my friends to be blocked by them? Accuse us of wanting him, blocked a fake account i suspected to be his partner under the name Izzy Darke? Immediately says we're keeping an eye on him, yet he went to stalk my account and realised I had blocked him, therefore making it very obvious (i never communicated with the account or made a post about me blocking the account), whenever I've posted on here, ive never sent Liam a link, ive posted on my Reddit AFTER I've blocked him, therefore meaning he made his new accounts and didnt like that i was posting proof that proved what he was done, but also that he was a compulsive liar about the whole situation. He reported my post of me showing what message I had sent Stacey in Feb 2023 because he did not want to me to reveal me going to them and calling out everything hes done, he wanted to twist the narrative and be the victim and have sympathy. Hes always been the butt of jokes, the biggest one amongst his mates was when he had his foot run over by someone in a wheelchair in school, hes ran into a wall trying to do a wrestling move, completely missing the person and running headfirst into a wall, or jumped down off a wall and fucked his knees up. Hes never liked being the butt of jokes and hiding behind a phone screen made him feel powerful, he just was never a good liar when it came to covering up what he had done, especially when theres screenshots to prove it. With how he does this behaviour, I'm not his first victim of stalking, I can guarantee he's done this to other people he was friends with, exes, probably the cousin that he repeatedly told Phil the story of he didn't like. This behaviour did not start with me.

[bookcub]

this quote from the name of the wind was used in criminal minds, season 9, episode 19, the edge of winter

[egokillr]

manifesting with ocd/ anxiety

a gentle guide to managing your mental health while manifesting your dream life :D

i hope to write this as a motivational guide for those who deal with ocd, any anxiety disorders, and mental health issues in general. i’m going to explain how i dealt with my mental health and the things i experienced on my lil journey. last year when i really got into the law of attraction, my fears intensified and i realized they had always had my life on hold. or “limiting beliefs” as you would call it, but it kind of made me anxious about life and spirituality. etc. after i was diagnosed with ocd, i went down a kind of spiral because i didn’t understand the law of assumption yet and had lingering limiting beliefs that people in the law of attraction community would enforce. i honestly was kind of anxious abt creating my own reality. and, honestly thats okay! it’s completely normal when you come to that big of a spiritual realization. having ocd made intrusive thoughts feel scary for me because it seemed kinda real, knowing that your thoughts create. i also would have obsessions and intrusive thoughts which i would try to fix in my head. it lead me to create “rituals” or compulsions to try to “fix” them. the problem here is that i was trying to fix them when they didnt need to be fixed. your thoughts should not be viewed as “good and bad,” but rather just thoughts. they are nothing without your attention. so why fight them? its kind of like acknowledging that theres an issue when really, they are simply thoughts, so why would i fight with it? when you create an issue with those thoughts, your mind sees it as a threat. the goal is to neutralize that. a mental diet is normally used to manifest the things you want into your life by being selective with your thoughts, and it is extremely helpful. but i was taking some things the wrong way, beating myself up for negative thoughts, etc. i was scared of messing up my manifestations in any way and just felt guilty about my past creations in general. in reality, no one can take your desire away from you once you have it. i realized after pondering the question of how to manifest with ocd efficiently, that circumstances most definitely do not matter, and even that is just another “circumstance.” there is nothing in your way! your assumptions create.

i have realized a few things while bettering my mental health that have helped me understand the law and how to cope with ocd while it lasts.

1. you decide what manifests

your intrusive and anxious thoughts will never manifest if you assume so! i would recommend making that a reminder or affirmation to just know. i also would recommend not using this as a response to intrusive thoughts or anxiety 100% of the time though, bc it acts as kind of a mental compulsion in my opinion.

2. intrusive thoughts are to be treated like background noise

they are nothing without your attention. therefore they are already gone, bc they are nothing and you said so. some of them may be “scary” but really they are nothing more than thoughts until you give them the power to be more. Exposure Response Prevention is the leading form of therapy for OCD and is good for other forms of anxiety as well. it exposes you to the anxious environment while making sure you don’t perform a compulsion to reduce your anxious reaction to it. therefore, lowering your anxious reaction when exposed to the thought. i would recommend looking into it if you are struggling with anxiety on your journey. but if an intrusive thought arises such as “im going to get in a crash” and “oh no what if that manifests and i just die,” try not to respond to it but instead just sit with any anxiety or feeling and let it pass. don’t even give yourself reassurance that it’s okay. it’s not even a “bad” thought so why would you need reassurance? you’ll realize that you’re just the observer and thoughts have no power over you.

3. manifesting good mental health

this is optional!! you can always work through it the therapeutic way or both! i find that doing a bit of both helps me a lot. sometimes when things are difficult you may need the extra help. thats still you manifesting better mental health! its all you helping yourself. you can always have assumptions such as “i have no intrusive thoughts” or “i have the perfect mindset” and yes, it’ll come true. but regardless, no thoughts can ever effect you until you give them the power to, and you should always have that in mind. negative and intrusive thoughts are not the problem. the reaction to them is what causes the anxiety. i’m so glad you can manifest better mental health/ mindset, it really helps speed up the process.

5. affirmations to start your day :D

i find that reminding myself everyday of these affirmations help me to stay more calm. these are just what im comfortable with so you can always adjust them for yourself!

- i am always safe in my own energy

- no doubt or fear can even touch my power

- i love myself unconditionally

- i am in control

- negative and intrusive thoughts never manifest

- i am naturally a positive person with positive experiences

- i am confident in everything that i do

- i have the perfect manifesting mindset

6. calming resources!

if you ever are to experience a spiral, it’s always okay. the key is self-compassion, and remembering that you can change anything whenever you want too. you don’t have to manifest 100% of the time. take your mind off the event and onto yourself and your wellbeing first. you are your first priority!

- controlled breathing

this will help you anytime and anywhere! breathing through the esophagus (stomach) helps relieve anxiety. i would recommend taking a few deep breaths to just be and set everything else aside. you can look into meditation practices or breath work to get into a more relaxed state as well c:

- journaling

if you need to vent or are overthinking, this is a great outlet for releasing thoughts. write down anything u want! nothing can affect your manifestation if you assume so. journaling will really help you become more comfortable with yourself as well as improving your mental health.

- subliminals and affirmations

remind yourself that you are god and you can change literally anything! there are lots of subliminals for relaxation if you don’t feel like affirming.

- text lines, hotlines and therapy

sometimes we need help and das okay c:

a really good website for finding therapists in your area - psychologytoday.com

and if you ever need a crisis hotline, just look up the crisis hotline in your country and there should be an option to text or call.

that’s basically all i’ve noted based off of therapeutic research and just personal realizations. you don’t have to do any of these things and can still manifest! if you have anything to add to this, please let me know. i haven’t seen many posts about ocd and manifesting, so i hope this will help anyone who is wondering the same. always do what works for you. regardless of anything, you are god! i believe in all of you c:

[spyderslut]

The very simplest version of how I relate faiths that arent mine with mine in my head is that I take a very "obnoxious hippy" position of "Why even worry about it, lets all just like, get along. peace and love maaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn". That take, while I do stand by it, is supremely unsatisfying and doesnt really leave much room for inquiry, which is fun. I will begin by telling a brief story. Back in highschool, there was a period where I was strongly considering converting to Heathenry. Being an absolute dweeb who was deeply enthralled by OSP summarizing the poetic eda and other things in that sphere/other assorted storytellers, and being that I was otherwise vaugely agnostic/atheist, for a bit I thought "why not". Then I read through my social studies textbook and found that one news story of some kid about my age at the time who won a courtcase against their school because the school system disalowed them from having a dagger on them at school that was important religiously/ritually. And then I thought to myself, "i could probably do the same with a viking sword. Have it be a thing i allways have on me throughout the day as an important religious item. Do, like, ritual burnings of small bits of food at points in the day. carry a rad fuckin sword down the halls of my highschool"

Ultimately, I didnt go that direction. I was self aware enough to tell myself: "i don't feel any sort of genuine call to do this. And even if I happened to get it correct by going down that direction, im not terribly sure Odin or anyone else in the pantheon would appreciate the insincerity/ that I was if im being perfectly honest doing it purely for the excuse to strap a cool fuckin sword to my hip at all hours of the day" and I just dropped the issue, content to not think about my own personal relationship to faith at all and just continue reading a lot of very old books because they interest me. (Though I must admit im curious as to what a Heathen reckons their gods would think of an insincere convert who converted specifically for the reason of "cool sword")

Now, after a number of years of continuing to read a lot of really old books and continuing to contemplate what things mean and continuing to survive and exist rather aimlessly, I did eventually feel a call to the divine, a call to explore that. That story is interesting on its own, but its not the most important in answering the questions you have asked. I am doing the best I can to not compulsively over-explain myself.

My faith, my God, my picture of what the divine is, this is what I have come to, this is what I have a connection to. This is what I have dedicated myself to worshipping, to exalting. The God who is three who are one, that is my God. But what of the people who do very much feel that connection to Odin, to Hel, or to any other of many different sorts? To put it plainly, they arent mine. I do not feel that connection to them. I have not felt any reason to think of them as somthing other than an interesting story, much as an atheist who studies the works of medieval catholic mystics/mystical contemplations. But it simply is not my place to tell other people how they experience or should experience the divine. Most of every sort of perspective on that matter and works thereof have value and wisdom in them and should be learned about and respected. I like to think my Quaker friend has been a good influence on me.

And, like, if I were to be granted irrefutable revelation that my God is one of many, I dont think that would actually change much about how I go about things. I have my Christ, my guy, and other people have their guys. I dont care much for syncratism in my own theology but im not particularly hostile to it either. If an irish catholic i was talking about saintly intercession with started talking about the fey, id be like. eh, sure. go on. Im open to hear what people have to say, even if it doesnt change how I do things. Peace and love maaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn, and all that.

Why do you worship your god YHWH as the only one? This is a legitimate question? What good does it do for you? Everything your god has done for you shouldn't have anything to do with his status, or uniqueness. I've seen the power of gods alien to your own, from Hel (the goddess I'm closest to, though I do worship others), I've seen her stop animals from moving, protect the sick and wounded, and cause a blind preacher to see her and flee. And I've felt her love, felt her comfort (I probably wouldn't even identify as agender if it wasn't for her help). But because she is not your god you would call this demonic? And say my soul is bound for damnation? Why not admit the existence of other gods, and keep to your own if you wish. How can your relationship with your god even be safe if you can't leave for another? How can it be called anything but bigotry to deny another god's divinity while you worship one yourself?

This is a genuinely fascinating line of inquiry, im going to have to think a moment to give it the attention it deserves

[queersturbate]

Pls pls talk about Light having ocpd AND about Lawlight disorder solidarity, I could listen to you all day!! Your brain is huge

hello!! :D

of course! ive been sitting on these ocpd!Light and neurodivergent solidarity lawlight asks for a bit trying to think and get more knowledge and opinions on the subjects so i think it's finally time to answer them!

Firstly i need to restate that OCPD is a personality disorder and is not the same thing as OCD. OCPD is defined by the person who has it being completely obsessed with rules, order, and control with the person thinking their thoughts and behaviors are correct (while people with OCD have unwanted intrusive thoughts). OCPD and OCD have a few overlapping symptoms with each other so it can be hard distinguishing them, but it is possible to have both! Which I think Light does. One difference between the disorders is that OCD starts early in childhood, OCPD, like most personality disorders, appear in a person's late teens or early twenties.

with all mental disorders/illnesses you need certain symptoms to be able to be diagnosed (eg. PTSD- in order to be diagnosed you need to have flashbacks and experience dissociation, i am a person who has been medically diagnosed with PTSD and this is what my therapist told me) and so with OCPD there is also a list of symptoms you need to have. The thing i saw has a series of 8 symptoms and at least four need to be present in order to be diagnosed with OCPD.

These are the ones I think fit Light: preoccupied with rules, lists, order, organization, and schedules so much that the point of the activity they're working on is lost to them. (think of Light using a testing the notebook and extending and figuring out every little rule and loophole), shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion, is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the point where they cut out friendships and leisure activities, is overconscientious/scrupulous/inflexible about matters of ethics/morals/values, shows rigidity and stubbornness, is unable to discard of items even if useless, and is hesitant to work with others unless the other's submit to do exactly what they say and want.

okay now i've explained just a tiny bit of my OCPD!Light headcanon but you also asked for lawlight nd solidarity so i must talk about that before this gets too long! So, first let's get what disorders/mental illnesses I think Light and L have out of the way.

With L i think they have: autism spectrum disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and ADHD.

For Light i think he has: narcissistic personality disorder, a god complex, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and POSSIBLY ADHD. My friend and I are talking about it. I haven't decided if I see it yet.

I think L has more understanding on why his brain is the way that it is. Why he has these thoughts and what's going on with them. He's very self aware and had probably read up on his disorders, and self diagnosed himself since I doubt the wammy house would provide therapists for the kids. Watari probably also helped L with his disorders and identifying them. However, Light on the other hand does not know why his brain is the way that it is. And honestly with NPD and his god complex he doesn't really care tbh, people with NPD/God complexes are delusional and even tho some can be aware a lot of people aren't. But with OCD he worries that everyone will see him as Not Normal and an imperfection if he lets those symptoms show. Again, not knowing why he feels like the need to flick a light switch on and off 7 times or else his family will be robbed, will make him feel like he is not the perfect man he has convinced everyone into thinking he is. A perfect man doesn't have to fold a shirt 6 times because it didnt feel right. Or need time alone in his room because he touched something that felt off to him.

I think that Light has had everyone around him fooled into thinking he is neurotypical. But L, as always in regards to Light, saw through his attempts of squashing his symptoms and tendencies out of view of others. I think im going to answer another lawlight nd solidarity ask listing some headcanons i have so it'll look cleaner and this won't be too long. so that's all for now on the Light is not neurotypical saga, tune in again and I'll talk about gay people

[dermatillo-bitch]

Hey I'm about to go on the hugest rant in the world about why it's important to spread awareness for BFRBs so bear with me.

Today I was in a group chat of mine, and somebody else mentioned their dermatillomania. I got real excited to discuss it, as I never actually encounter other people who own up to having a BFRB.

We had a full out discussion in the chat. It was long, and we mentioned a lot of our struggles. After we had said a lot, about three other people said they had experienced similar struggles before and didnt know it had a name.

I wasnt shocked by this. BFRBs are usually very forgettable and not many psychiatrists or therapists know they exist, so it's pretty hard to get a diagnosis. Many people who have severe BFRBs have to bring the disorder's name to their psychiatrist's attention to even get them to acknowledge it. This makes it entirely more difficult to inform people that they arent crazy.

I went on to explain that Derma and Trich arent the only BFRBs. I mentioned that there are many others, including ones where you might bite your lip until its calloused, and one where you can pick your nose until it bleeds.

Somebody then asked me if the one where you pick you nose was real, saying they thought they were just gross. I immediately told them about Rhinotillexomania and they were relieved to hear they werent alone.

(They also remarked about how long the name was, but most of them have Latin roots and are very long.)

I find the fact that people dont know about these behaviors slightly infuriating. For such a long time, I thought I was alone. I thought I was creating a struggle for myself that everyone else around me was able to repress. I thought I was weak, not being able to stop myself. All of these thoughts are so unbelievably false. If you think this about yourself in any capacity, know that you are so totally wrong. You're not alone. Other people have the same struggles and obstacles as you.

I see a lot about Trich on these "Most Uncommon Human Disorders" videos, saying that it's super rare, and that like, 1 in 3 million people have it. This statistic is so off it's not even funny. Now correct me if I'm wrong, I often am, but as far as I am aware, about 1 in 30 people have a BFRB. That's so many people, so many people who might not be aware that what they're going through has a name.

I mentioned my derma once at a family gathering (dont worry it was before rona) and my aunt approached me after. She asked me really quietly, as if she were ashamed to even bring it up, if I had mentioned skin picking had a name. Dermatillomania is relatively common on her side of my family. Lots of them had it. I told her of course it does, and if she didnt remember it to text me. She sounded so uncertain, and it made me so upset, so sad, that she went more than half her life not knowing that she wasnt alone. Not knowing that she had a legitimate issue that was a struggle for her, and that it was valid.

Another thing is that people who arent informed on the topic of BFRBs think, is that it is a form of self harm. Infact, the person I was originally talking with on the group chat mentioned they had heard before that they were self harming by picking. It is not the same. They are entirely different things, but both are entirely valid struggles. I should explain the difference.

BFRBs fall on the OCD spectrum. They are behaviors that are obsessive and compulsive. They are not the same as a full Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as those are different struggles and comparing them would not work well. Many BFRBs include subconscious behaviors that one might not even realize they are performing. My don't want to hurt themselves at all. Self harm, on the other hand, is not something I am qualified to talk about, but it is intentionally done to oneself with the intention of harm.

In conclusion, this was a mess of a rant and is super disorganized.

Jk. But seriously.

People need to know about these things. They're really common and it sucks when you're confused by your own behaviors.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[mrskisaki]

Um so my situation has gotten worse and I might be taking a break from tumblr all together but ima try not to.

Ima just explain in a short story version of what's happening (it's a long story)

Might have a few triggers in here idk, you dont have to read. Mainly just a rant for me.

I'm sorry how messy this is, my brain is in shambles rn

I made this blog to get away from my home life and bring me temporary happiness but I havent been able to enjoy it like I used to and I feel bad because lately I havent been active and I know this isnt something you all want to read about.

Okay so bam, when I was 9 years old my mother died (her friend od her on pain medication after she got out of surgery) so it's been My dad, my brother who was 10 and me until my dad got with my step mom when I was 12. We ended up moving in with her and her kids (19,18,17 and 12 all girls). It was nice at first but after a while things got bad for me and my brother bc we were the step siblings so we got treated differently. So fastfoward to 16, my brother ended up running away because of how toxic things were and left me alone ( I dont blame him though) so everything got thrown to me, one of the sisters got married and moved out and another got engaged and moved out, they're the two that are nice but the other two are complete assholes. It got to the point where I was unable to talk to any of my real siblings (my brother is the only one who has both parents as me) and I was forced to move schools my junior year so I couldnt see him and had to start 2 weeks late. Okay so fastfoward I'm 18 now and for the passed few years has been hell (the reason why I barely get any sleep is because I have to do all the chores in the house and there's 7 people that lives here along with 2 dogs so I'm constantly cleaning and I do all the cooking as well) . My step mom has a tendency to talk down and bad on my real family and on my deceased mom. Ngl, my momma was a Og. She was the plug back in the day lmfaooooo but anyways my step mom always brings up things my mom did back in the day and says that ima follow in her foot steps. She says I'm going to be a drug addict, alcoholic, a single parent and swears that I'm pregnant even though I've never done anything before. I have really bad anxiety to the point where I will start shaking bad, throw up and be unable to breathe until I calm myself down. I asked to go get officially diagnosed so I can get medication but she says I'm wanting attention and there's nothing wrong with me (hence why she says I'm pregnant) She constantly picks on my flaws and insecurities (especially my weight bc I actually have meat on my bones and her kids and skinny and also my stuttering and mispronunciation when I get anxious) and compares me to her kids with their achievements and swears that I will amount to nothing. Okay so the oldest is 26 and shes still lives here and has no job, shes a compulsive liar and just lies on me continously for no reason and since I'm not blood, I dont get believed and berated for something I didnt even do (they sometimes get really mad and put their hands on me and pull my hair). I try to talk to my dad about everything that's going on but he works 7pm-7am so when he comes home, he doesn't want to hear it but when he actually let's me speak, he doesn't really care and is on their side. Even though I'm 18, I'm not in control of my life; I'm not allowed to leave to hangout with friends, not allowed to basically do anything; I had to beg to dye my hair and pierce my nose even though I was graduated and it was my own money. I couldnt even invite who I wanted to my own graduation so my brother couldnt come and she made me cry and feel bad about the fact that I wanted him to go. I was even forced to quit college 3 days before classes started. I had a job at McDonald's for a few days but had to quit because I had a really bad anxiety attack and since I no longer have a job, I get shit on for it. Okay okay okay so basically the 26 year old lied again and I finally stepped up and defended myself (I never defend myself bc I dont like confrontation and it makes my anxiety raise quickly and I cant handle people yelling at me) and it made everything worse. They ganged up on me and to put a long story short, I have until the 15th of December to get out. Idk what I'm going to do considering I have nowhere to go, I'm going to try to speak to my dad about it when he gets off in the morning but I doubt anything is going to change. It gets alot deeper but I dont really feel comfortable speaking about it but just know, it's bad.

I'm sorry that you all read this, I hope the rest of your day or night is good :) <3333

I really dont want to take a break but I might not have a choice, I'm sorry.

[cortexreaver]

like first of all eating disorders are about control right theyre about a feeling of control over something–which isnt to say that body image and fatphobia arent factors at all of course they are and theres no lack of people with eds who focus on those aspects when talking about their eds im not about to defend that. but the core of any eating disorder is a desire for control. it took me about a year to figure that out on my own when i was like 17 and i remember telling my therapist at the time about this epiphany and she was like "well yeah" and internally i was like well what the fuck then why didnt you tell me if you knew lol that wouldve been the most helpful thing anyone couldve told me this whole time. the second most helpful thing anyone couldve told me, instead of "see look youve been eating more* and havent suddenly and uncontrollably gained a bunch of weight", i think wouldve been something like "if you suddenly gained a bunch of weight it wouldnt be moral failing or proof that you lack the discipline required to get your shit together elsewhere in your life, people would still love and respect you because You are more than your mere physical form, and anyone shallow enough to judge you for it wouldnt be worth your time" the closest anyone really got was explaining how the tangible malfunctions i was experiencing (amenorrhea, constipation, hair loss, constant fatigue, freezing my ass off, etc) were indicative of my body shutting down. which you may notice isnt close at all. also "i considered hospitalizing you because the results of the ekg i ordered were so concerning" is a bit of a funny thing to tell someone whos admitted to feeling constantly suicidal but i did kinda think to myself hmm well id like to die on my own terms not because of my heart just fucking giving up so i can say that was a wild approach but i cant say it didnt work

*nevermind that i was still restricting and purging what i could and lying through my teeth about it, turns out when you try to discourage a compulsion fueled by desperation for control over something, anything, by simply telling the compulsion-haver what to do and even at times threatening to fully strip them of their autonomy if they dont comply, theyre gonna dig their heels in wherever possible when and while they can in response

i try to glean whatever insight i can from the past without dwelling on it but i wont lie sometimes i start thinking too hard about the ed treatment i received as a teen and im like those people sure were lucky that the only direction i knew how to meaningfully turn my pain was inward otherwise someone wouldve lost a fucking limb one of those days. Lol

[willys-wittle-willy]

I'm sorry

Let me just say from the bottom of my heart I am sorry,I'm shaking right now I am truly sorry to everyone who I have hurt or upset. For years I have been lying about things online,I compulsively do it,I also have no reason to do it,I lie and I lie and I always end up hurting others due to my lying but who I am really isn't anything,we do go by Connor or William,we are all nonbinary and not straight, I am autistic and I do ship pedophilla/abuse/incest/etc and I do feel bad for everything,I've been wanting to make this apology for a while and I just I mess up,there is no excuse for me to be lying and for me to go out of my way to hurt others,I don't have an excuse I dont have a fucking reasons I'm just fucking retatrded,I fucked everything up,Since 2018 I have been lying about my age,I have been telling others I am older than I'm actually am,I am around the age of 14-16 and I am so so fucking sorry,I don't know why I wanted people to think I was some creep,I do have bad and disgusting thoughts about hurting people my age but me as older than i am and it make me sick and I am sorry,I don't know why I did anything,I want way to fucking far,Anyone who angrily messgae me I sent them ns//fw art and I am sorry,I don't know why I did that I truly don't and I'm done lying,I'm done hurting others and I'm just done,I have no life,I have no personality nothing about me is interesting and I am sorry,like genuinely sorry ,we fucke dup and I know it and I can't fucking fix anything it's all out of my control and hands and there nothing I can really do besides simply saying I'm sorry and I will be archiving the edits I made and I will no longer will be using others art and I might stop wiriting and I'm so sorry,I just meant to make some people mad and cause some kind of chaos just for fun but than my ex messaged me and we started talking and I started getting feelings for her so I didn't want to drop the act I had,I am not blaming her ,she did nothing wrong and I am sorry,I never meant to hurt you or anyone,and I lied and I lied and I feel shittiy about it I feel horrible terrible and empty and numb and I am sorry,I use to do other really cruel things to others for attetion for something to happen I can't explain because I have no true reasons behind any of this but the guilt is killing me and I can't stop thinking about all the people and no one has to belive me and no one had to trust me or forgive me or tell me they feel bad for me because I am in the wrong,I am in the wrong and I cause all of these problems for no reason and I can't explain it,I can't explain my thought process I truly cannot and I am truly truly truly so sorry,I am sorry for all the people ptsd and tramua I triggered I am sorry for everyone who I made uncomfortable and I'm sorry to my ex for abusing you ,I really didnt mean to and I am sorry to anyone else I hurt , I'm done with hurting people I'm done with upsetting others and I am done,simple as that I am done causing others pain and I am done,I am sorry and I will no longer interact with anyone who I have hurt and I will simply keep to myself and I am sorry,I might disapper for a while but will answer dm andnshit and just I'm sorry,I over stepped so many lines and boundries and I just hurt others and I dont have an excuse sure I'm I'm tramuatized but that doesn't excuse anything and I am sorry Like so fucking sorry and I am the only one in the wrong and I am the only one who needs to face consequences and I am just sorry and I just can't keep lying to others and I am sorry for everything,I use to go by arrow on here and fuck if you remember all that drama then yeah that me and that my real age I just can't lie anymore,,,and I dont epxect you all to belive me and that ok,,just know I am sorry and that I will be stopping

@williamizgay @foxybroz @sisterlocationz

@squipjer-shippers-safe-space

[trohpi]

hi so i dont want to sound rude, but i will be talking about ocd and asking questions about it and if i sound uneducated please tell me. it is not my intention to be rude.

anyways so my mom was talking about asparagus that my aunt had made for an easter dinner, and she asked “does it bother anyone else that the asparagus isnt all facing the same direction?” and we made a joke about it because she is a perfectionist.

then my aunt said “aimee thats where you get it from” and i asked “my perfectionism?” and my aunt chuckled and said “lets call it that, sure” and my mom said “its ocd.” so naturally i ask her if shes been diagnosed and she says no, and i ask her if she really does have it, because even i, a non-ocd person, get bothered when people use the term ocd incorrectly.

so she said no and i asked her why she thinks she does, so she gives me an example that if my aunt were to say she had mixed up the asparagus in the fridge and made it not all point in the same direction before she left, that my mom would go and fix it or she would feel uncomfy. and i told her that just sounds like perfectionism, which i do have, and she said its more than that.

so i said that i thought that ocd means you have a compulsion to do/say/etc a certain thing a certain number of times or else you feel in danger or something along those lines (please correct me if im wrong), and unless she was diagnosed by a doctor, it just sounds like perfectionism to me

so my family started bashing on me, and asking me where i got my masters, and my aunt even said “so if you arent diagnosed with cancer, you dont have it?” and i tried to explain but they didnt listen

anyways i just wanted to know if yall think my mom has ocd, and whether i am wrong or not. keep in mind that i may have gotten somethings wrong and i apologize if i did, this is just my understanding of ocd. love yall ❤️❤️

[bipolarandocd]

Here I have wrote an insight on my own experience with obsessions and OCD

I once was told by my therapist that you can be addicted to anything such as drugs,alcohol,ciggerettes and believe it or not sex!

In the past years i have had many different obsessions/addictions that i didnt know how to control and i didnt realise i was addicted to certain things including becomming obsessed with one hobby then losing intrested after a certain time and then another different hobby comes along and i obsess about that.

When i have this main addiction at the time, i can not stop thinking of the subject. for example i suddenly had high intrest in baking cupcakes! i hate cooking and i never thought id become intrested in baking cakes at all. I researched from how to bake to what ingrediants i needed and apliances to be able to bake. everytime i was googling and researching and watching youtube videos on baking cakes i was feeling a high energetic feeling, like i was buzzing and i couldnt stop thinking of what i want to do with this hobby. i was up till late at night losing sleep constantly obsessing over baking cakes. Pay day come and that was it, all my money went on what i needed to buy to bake, and i started to bake for couple weeks and spending money on this intrest without thinking of the consequenses of having to pay bills ect.

I was feeling good i had adrenaline and was happy but the same time if i didnt act on this urge to spend on this hobby and act on it id feel aggitated and restless! i had no control how to stop the urge! i was ADDICTED.

After a little while maybe a month later I lost all intrest in baking! id wasted time and much money on something i no longer had intrest in. the high feeling the buzz and adrenaline had gone.

Another day comes and again another addiction/obsession comes along!

this time its art and crafts, im definatly not creative and never had intrest before but once again this pattern like the baking comes along and the high feeling buzzing and adrenaline is back for the arts and crafts, money wasted and time because again after a while the intrest goes.

Iv had many obsessions such as joing the gym, learning to play piano and then guitar. wanting to become a councillor/mentor even studyed at home and passed the course for councilling yet again after time i didnt want to become this!

Items iv also obsessed about and had strong intense urges to buy whatever it was i had to buy to keep the feeling i had inside to make me feel good. its like a drug, something i obsess about was keeping me high and excited and i had to act on this to keep the good feeling.

I was even once addicted to dating sites! i was getting adrenaline from joining up and making profiles to searching people and messaging. i couldnt come off the applications and i could not stop the urge to search the profiles and messages, this took over alot of my time and i didnt understand why this was happening and why i was feeling a good adrenaline over dating applications. This addiction took a long time for me to stop and realise it was the longest obsession i had. i still dont understand how this become an addiction.

I now somehow understand how people who are gambelers feel and have no control how to fight the urge to not step foot in the bookies.

When you dont act on the compulsion towards the obsession then your going to feel awful, aggitated, restless, angry and feel your going to lose your mind. its all you think about, theres nothing else you want to do and its impossible to concerntrate on anything else other than wanting to go into the bookies and gamble! its not just the feeling you believe you will win, its the feelings of adrenaline and intense high feelings of happy and excitement from walking thru that door to placing the bet and waiting for the outcome, but when you lose of course you are down, you lose money and are overwhelmed with guilt! the same feelings i get when i dont act on something i obsess over or addicted to.

Paranoia become a problem for me and its an uncontrollable and disturbing thought I have that is intrusive and I know I wont act on this thought but the feeling I get is intense and impossible to stop the thought and I start to avoid doing things to stop being scared. Standing at the train station waiting for my train to arrive and I see ahead its arriving and my mind instantly pictures myself jumping in front of this train and I'm confused and petrified of this thought and scared but also distressed because I know I wont act on this and I'm scared to look at the train coming towards me so I look away until its stopped! have a fear of sleeping because if I do I believe someone will come into my home to come upstairs to my bedroom and attack me, the longer my eyes are closed my mind visions someone getting closer and closer to me, once I open my eyes this vision is gone and I'm safe.

I have a son aged 14 also with ocd and paranoia and his feeling controlled by his thoughts to do actions he never did before. At at young age around 4years old he would ask for help to put his shoes on and I'd attend and grab the right shoe to put on for him and in a sudden moment he would scream, beg and beg for me to put the left shoe on first, I never understood why. I'd ask why and what's wrong and ask him to calm down because he was extremely aggitated and stressed but, once I changed the right shoe for the left his response stopped and was calm and I could see the change how relaxed he was. This went on for months and I thought 1st he was just trying to control me and want to get attention when in fact he didnt have control of himself for this and it was a behaviour from his OCD that took me a while to realise!. After maybe one year this shoe problem having to be the left put on first stopped but, then come another pattern and thought in his mind that again took over not just him but took me in too.

Night time was bedtime story, we sit together in my sons bed and I'd open the first page and start to read aloud to him. A few pages in I'd start to read the page for my son to suddenly become very aggressive and tell me to read that sentence again because it's wrong, I re read the sentence in the same tone I did before. Again with aggression and crying he beg me to repeat and said it's wrong how I said it. After having this problem many times eventually i said the sentence in a way that calmed him down and made him relax and i could continue the book. It wasnt until after researching and seeing his doctors this was all OCD behaviour in which if I didnt say the sentence in a certain tone then he would feel uncomfortable and have to force me to re read it for him to feel safe!. Never did I think this would be an OCD problem but it was. Night time bedtime stories was very difficult for us.

After sometime this OCD pattern with my son vanished but, another appeared. Once I tuck my son to bed and kiss him good night I would walk away but then he would suddenly shout to me to touch the top of his duvet! Now bare in mind on this time I thought OCD was about cleaning hands or things in order so when I'm having all these orders from a 4 or 5 year old this is looking like he wants control over me and to do what he wants and if I dont do it he will go crazy!

To keep him from being angry and crying fter refusing to do what I'm ordered to, I'd do what he wanted so I'd turn back towards him in bed and i would do what he ordered to tap the top of his duvet. Would you believe just by doing this demand he stopped suddenly crying and being angry to being able to lay down and relax.

Can you see here theres a pattern of not just my son being distressed but I am too because I didnt know what this was about and I'm told by others his trying to control me but as a mum I had something telling me it's something more but what?!

Il never forget the time my son would arrive in the evenings from being with his dad the weekend friday to sunday. Around 7pm sunday evenings every week my son would arrive back home in his dads car straight to the front door.

I'd hear the car arrive and I'd open my house front door before my son got out the car. Well this started to become a problem for my son because he wanted to knock on the door before I opened it! Why? I asked him and my son couldn't explain the reason but again become angry, hitting me, shouting, crying and begging me to shut the front door and let him knock. In this time I refuse to feel controlled and said "no". But there was no calming my child at all. He was going red in the face, shaking, and very very aggitated. What else can I do but to now let him take control and I now close the door and let him knock first and I open the door after? Can you see the controll this OCD had not just over my son but now I'm involved and controlled by it.

Either way I had no choice but to re do the task by closing the door and letting him knock for me to then open again. Instantly he again was calm and able to walk into the home! Again I'm shocked how quickly just doing that demand would make him change so fast and change.

Now by my own experience and understanding through research too after many years and I had little knowledge of OCD but these behaviours from myself and my son wasnt what I expected and have learnt that this was OCD.

We see the behaviour first and our compulsion to act on what we feel at the time of what our thoughts are telling us and having to have no control over this and noone to understand what was going on inside our minds but, noone knows or understands the feelings what we have and the intense anger inside ourselves and as much was keeping our attention and distract us from other things to have no choice but to act on this feeling and do the compulsive behaviour to make one feel safe and secure and comfortable in ourselves.

Not only was my son being controlled but so was I

OCD has come to us both in diffrent forms and mostly in times of stress or anxiety. Also it manages to change from one obsession to another. And the compulsions change .