#and what I call burden is actually this
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sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.
#a close friend of mine wants to prepare a gift for me and you can't imagine how painful it is for me#exactly what kind of heart do I have that when someone prepares a small gesture for me#it becomes a pain and a burden to me?#and what I call burden is actually this#I feel guilty#i will owe that person#like I don't deserve it#meanwhile i saw on tiktok someone crying because their lover lives in another city#and they was in airport crying together#and i cant imagine what it would be like to be loved like that :3#all those wrong feelings sit on my heart and my heart suddenly starts to burn. A little kindness sets my heart on fire#i will say yes to her but still its painful#how much i want to be loved but it is too painful too me. i used to be in freeze mode all the time#agh#i will make gift for her too#my heart needs should update#i wish everything was differenr
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the absolute lack of media literacy from people who haven’t even seen oppenheimer is making my head spin but whatever
#like - every three seconds it’s someone talking about how it’s us military prop or it doesn’t cover the atrocities well etc etc#when a) it is so definitely NOT us propoganda- it is so clearly critiquing the us military and oppenheimer himself#and b) it doesn’t cover every small detail of the impacts of the bomb bc that’s not what the film is about#it is a screenplay adapted from a biography on oppenheimer#it is about him - a biopic - and how he got to the point of making atomic weapons and ends on a note of undeniable horror#it is a movie that constantly bombards you with anxiety bc you have the burden of knowing the future#it is not in any way forgiving anything - it acknowledges the fucked up nature of the situation#hell it’s mostly a courtroom drama that shows how fucked up mccarthyism was#i’m a big history buff - so this plays a lot into it#but y’all have GOT to just stop seeinf things on a surface level and engage with media w/ a deeper mindset of just ‘thing bad’#anyway - sorry it bothers me a lot#there are genuine criticims that can be leveled at both nolan and this film and i have seen them#im not sitting here calling the end all be all of cinema - but it’s a well made movie w/ something interesting to say and evaluate#not wanting to see it is one thing - by all means - but wringing it through the mud w/ absolutely no knowledge of the actual content of -#the film itself is actively annoying#media literacy#oppenheimer#mini rant
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Fellas? We ain't okay over here.
#I feel like shit#Still#I mean like... What else do I even feel right now#I thought my grandpa was the that offered me a place to stay#And last night he told me he was doing just fine before I moved in.#Like I even had a goddamn choice in the matter#Like it was either here or the fucking streets in my mind by that point.#And I wasn't even the one that called him it was my mother#So I don't understand how the hell this is even my fault.#And I'm the burden because I didn't have a choice on where to go???#Like I'm sorry I eat food?????? Is that the problem?????????#Because that's all I really do. I'm not breaking anything#That's my uncle. He's breaking shit all the time.#I eat the food he makes.#He asks me to do something and I do it.#I keep quiet and stay out of his way.#So the one fucking time I vent my frustration about my stuff it's like... I'm the burden now??? And my uncle isn't???????#My uncle is the one that's fucking 50 and still living here.#My uncle is putting shoes in the microwave#He's breaking the washers. He broke 2 actually.#The only thing I can think of is that I've just got 4 different things going on with my psychology#So he has to drive me to all sorts of appointments#And like... I'm sorry I was born with autism????#I'm sorry I was born with ADHD????#I'm sorry I was born with a mood disorder that makes me cry a fuck ton????#I'm sorry that after years of your daughter abusing me that I have anxiety????#Like none of that shits my fault#It's not like these things are contagious or that I can force my body to have these issues.
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Ah, the familiar rage that one always feels towards the husband in a horror novel. I would simply tear this man apart limb by limb.
#i'm reading nestlings and the rage i feel towards reid is worse than the normal ''husband in a horror story needs to LISTEN TO HIS WIFE''#his life is so hard :((( his disabled wife is worried about his baby :((((( and she's such a disgusting burden to him#he won't even stop by the HARDWARE store for FIVE seconds to grab a screw so his wife can do her work from home job#he's the REAL victim despite him lying to his wife about the fact he lost his job because he cursed out his boss#(losing them the health insurance his wife RELIES UPON)#when he left a party hosted by a bunch of rich and famous people who live in the building having just had what he calls#the best day of his life#and sees his wife covered in dirt with leaves in her hair because her chair had fallen in the courtyard and no one heard her calls for help#so she CRAWLED home#this man had the nerve to say how much she disgusted him#oscar talks to himself#oscar reads actual books
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1) Opens up drafts with my head empty, ready to be flooded, not knowing where I'll go.
2) 30 seconds later: Okay but I will go feral any day of my life over Perilous Trail, and the fierce dichotomy of Xiao and Yelan. While they're far from being 'the same', they both view themselves as soldiers in one way or another (it's a very difficult word to use for Yelan, so I'm using it very liberally and very loosely), they have both suffered losses on the 'battlefield' and carry the burden thereof in their own ways. And yet they stand so firmly in opposition throughout the entirety of that questline up until the very end of the 'the end of the line' conclusion of the quest. Yes, I know that she offers him her gratitude in its aftermath and it is genuine, but she still never agrees with him and the decision that he made moments earlier. It simply 'worked out' because of Zhongli's interference, he's the only reason it worked out. And it's because of that, that she doesn't give him a hell of a hard time (obviously she can't go down there, but imagine the inner frustration of severe extents; when you condemn someone who you can't even see anymore). In the same way that she would do to anyone who would sacrifice themselves for others, but in this case, I think it's 'beautiful' that it's to Xiao; the one who seems most adamant to do so (which honestly, fits into the contract that the Yakshas chose to sign with Morax; 'the ultimate sacrifice' to protect for Liyue; 'for Liyue', and Liyue has always centered itself around its people), the one who everyone reveres (and so does she, as she notes in her voiceline, 'if I ever have the honor to fight alongside') and respects for good reason, she stands against him, because in that moment, regardless of his status, he makes a call that she considers wrong. And he doesn't even... fight her on it very fiercely, and that's what actually hurts me the most, it's as if the following line hit the nail directly on the head?
"Besides, if you were really so determined to end it all, you wouldn't have given us the opportunity to share our opinions."
#[ mini study. ] that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years.#[ and then shortly after 'the point is: it's not time for drastic measures yet.' ]#[ /shakes ven into another dimension. ]#[ i thought the ost at the end of perilous ruined me enough. but tale of the yakshas may actually ruin me more. ]#[ also i love how i typed up the bit of the contract and 'for liyue' and zhongli in my head isn't rattling at bars but-- ]#[ he's sipping his tea (the equivalent). one day ven. i /promise/ you. one day you'll get him from me. ]#[ he'll likely be the 2nd genshin blog to run alongside yelan if/when i get to being able to run two again. ]#[ but until then. can we talk about the dynamic of xiao and yelan until we're blue in the face? i'd like to do that too. ]#[ i type this as if i'm perfectly chill but i'm not. i'm really not. the concept of self sacrifice and sacrifice as a whole. ]#[ BETWEEN THESE TWO. drives me /insane/. and part of me sits here and goes-- ]#[ god. what happened with yelan and her team down there? we know that despite every plan she ever made and prepared-- ]#[ their enemies (WHAT WERE YOU FIGHTING??) were too powerful and more specifically-- too smart. too calculating. ]#[ ... and too strong (okay literally what on earth were you fighting? are we talking the khaenri'ah soldiers? like what? or abyss mages?) ]#[ (but abyss mages don't exactly entirely fit the description in her story. ugh. UGH). ]#[ any way-- it was her and her team. /they/ all died and she didn't. yanfei describes it as... ]#[ 'knowing that your life was saved when others weren't'. surely the millilith didn't intervene or happen to arrive. yelan must've... ]#[ gotten away? or something? but that doesn't feel quite right. but i'm just sitting here left with the idea of... when you lead a team. ]#[ you bear the responsibility of even their lives. and yet despite bearing that responsibility; she's exactly the one who lived. ]#[ the only one who did. that has to be a /stupid/ burden. it's like the captain who has to go down with the ship but is the only one... ]#[ who gets to live. only one who gets to survive. i just. ]#[ i didn't think i'd love a character as much as this one. where did she come from; jesus christ. ]
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one of the most important aspects to be learnt of being a political thinker online, a passive or active viewer of sociopolitical discourses and marginalization, is that just because you find someone to be “wrong” on a subject, have a bad take on a words definition or have shitty political/strategic takes, or just be fucking annoying to you personally, doesn’t make them stop being from the same marginalized group or group-of-groups as yourself. tragically sometimes a comrade-in-arms also just fucking sucks without it being a cishetero bourgeois psyop or a more-particularly-advantaged-yet-still-marginalized-group punching down. like there can be “self-hating” people from demographics actively trying to oppress said demographics but 9 times out of 10 Kaleb from My Discourses isn’t a Dennis Prager rubbing elbows with literal nazis he’s just that dipshit who thinks Judaism as a social category necessitates matrilineal affiliation (even though the people that actively hate Judaism as a social category don’t conceive of it as such). For example I mean.
this should really go without saying but good fucking god my own time in the ‘strangers with a word or two in common trying to kill each other online’ trenches neeeeded
#yes this is about queer community discourse#(most) about anyway i mean. i literally talked about a judaism thing in the post lol#realizing this has felt like a gigantic fucking burden got lifted off my shoulders. like oh yeah sometimes you can just dislike a line#of rhetoric without it being a fucking calamity that invalidates other peoples places in the broader ‘community’.#the fact i can care IS important to some extent but what still matters more is that The -Archs rarely if ever actually care that much#regaurdless of what a sapphic calls themselves they’d still be lit on fire by the deathsquads for degeneracy as much as the rest of us#just because some dipshit thats personally loathsome on an individual scale takes any criticism of the use of ‘queer’ as a personal attack#doesn’t remove the fact that theyre still just as fucking fallible as the rest of us#like this doesn’t remove how i feel about these subjects. some labels are fucking redundant and shitty and yes-actually-invalidating of#other peoples definitions (most importantly MINE hahaa!) but jesus h fucking christ i haven’t seen a ‘bad actor’ on these subjects in years.#it was only ever the discorse itself really that alerted and enabled people to get noteworthily bad about. like#anything. even setting aside vaguing bi lesbian as a label (sorry) EVERY FUCKING DISCOURSE THAT ISN’T ‘hey this person doxxed someone’ or#or ‘hey these are closed fucking religious practices/stereotypes/slurs’ has been like that!!!#ace discourse was a fucking hellscape and i genuinely just don’t think the problems would have happened there on either side if people#actually fucking treated each other like. human beings????#some of THAT came down to trying to compare opressive forces against even the other acronymal identities is a politically disturbing underta#aking in its own right. we can barely talk fucking humanely about the intersections of transphobia abd homophobia throw amatonormativity on#the mix and expecting 2015 tumblr to be civil is like hand ak-47s to middle schoolers. urk.#so basically i’m the smartest and bestest because i can acknowledge and respect my own biases while still recognizing them AS biases and#try to always keep the broader political climate in mind when considering topics that are ‘hot button’ to myself uwu#i’m basically just like noah from the bible i’m so virtuous i’m going to start a big zoo in a boat now
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not sure it's my post to make particularly, but I do fucking hate how the concept of white guilt gets weaponized within white people ingroups to throw at each other in order to goad each other into emotional passivity, detachement and inaction, it's just so extremely not what the concept is about initially and is actually still an extension of white guilt it turns out!!! as it's still reacting to that idea and concerned by trying to sever oneself from its perceived effects, regardless of what those are and what they do and what bigger picture they exist in!!!! anyway.
#thoughts#personal#bad weird takes#I have seen SO many posts weaponizing white guilt as a thing you should be ashamed of recently#and therefore (generally) you should stop openly caring about palestine and in-community discordant voices from minorities!!#funny how that always goes#the appeal to reason very often opposed to “white guilt” in these messages is also... very revealing imo#like ok are we still on the Emotions VS Reason dychotomy as if the two cannot coexist and inform each other#as if this very dychotomy isn't based on pretty eurocentric imperialist ideas (with sexism sprinkled ontop)#and also the notion that you're stupid and childish if you feel guilty about the state of the world and your complicity in it#is fucking weird???#it's not bad to interrogate how we can offset the systems of oppression we benefit from!!! what is going on!!!#it's bad to use white guilt to center one's feelings over marginalized communities and how to be actually helpful sure!!!#and it's bad (unhelpful) to let guilt freeze us into inaction!! of course!!#but this is very much not what this is about whenever mentioned in these examples?#here it's the very concept that you “feel bad because of privilege” that is bad. it's just bad inherently apparently.#there seems to be weirdass mental gymnastics happening that seem to imply that it's actually based and epic to not feel white guilt#as if??? I don't know it would dissociate you from the causes??? ???? who knows#and so somehow!!! being a “more conscienscious” ally is to ignore marginalized communities' clear calls to action apparently!!#as you wouldn't want to burden them with your your embarassing urge to be helpful :/#REAL victims are being burdened by your behavior see. :/ no you can't talk to them nor see them they're conveniently always offscreen#being taken care of by actual Good Systems that we must trust instead of interfering or getting involved in any way :/#I swear there will be so very much to unpack about those last six months on the internet#I do find it grimly funny that all of these posts calling out its readership on “you let yourself be manipulated because of white guilt boo#are the ones. doing that. the most explicitly. but in reverse. using the concept of white guilt to shame people back into comformity.
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boo hoo sad pity party posting hours LMAO but I rlly truly don't think I will ever be in another relationship again. I don't feel that I will every b desirable or deserving enough, and I don't feel like I will ever even b seen as a guy n idk. I just don't know.
#mayave its imposter syndrome maybe its internalized transphobia but i dont think any gay man would ever date me bc i dont thibk any of them#would thibk of me as a man. idk. maybe this will change once i start like. PHYICALLY transitioning but i rlly feel like theres no hope 4 me#i feel like i will always be thought of as a woman for the rest of my life i feel like i will never pass as anything but a woman i feel like#i dont have any positive qualities i don't like a single thing abt myself i dont thibk im capable of loving someone im so distant w everyone#im so scared of phyically and emotional intimacy i feel like a burden i dont even know how to act like a man and i KNOW that thst isnt a#fucking thing i KNOW theres no right way of being a man i know that logically but still the fact that i grew up isolated from men and#that i rarely interact w them even to this day i have no male friends no male role models nothing im so scared im gonna like.#break social rules n shit which is RIDICULOUS bc once again there's no right way to b a guy or to preform masculinity and also im so early#in my transition no one even knows im a guy anways. but also im worri3d bc of thst no one will ever seen me as one unless i start conforming#to traditional masculinity and i dont know now to emulate it bc ivenonly ever seen it from afar i dont actually know what guys talk about#howbthey act around eachother what is socially acceptable or not i dont have a clue bc i dont ever interact w men and its like. fucking#stupid of me to even want to know bc it shouldn't matter to me BUT IT DOES and it makes me so anxious that i do not know how to emulate it#even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how bc i grew up in a fucking cult and i know so little men and i have terrible social skills n i#probably have autism which just. everything is compounded upon eachother n i feel like im going crazy i dont think ill ever be enough.#I hope i'm in a better mental place when i start t but even that im so fucking bad at doing things bc i have executive dysfunction that like#i havent even started tbe process or called thr clinic im just likem fucking spiraling. I hope my mindset becomes healthier once I start.#anwyss lol. do u guys like me? bc i feel like im unbearable n im trying not to be let me know if u do or not so i can try to cahnge ^.^#🪽
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i love it when shit happens in my life that dredges up old wounds and coincidentally im re-experiencing the media i intrinsically link it to cause then i get to remember exactly why i love it and find it so meaningful all over again. there's a fucking reason ill always say Berserk [& RGU] both came into my life at a perfect fucking time and holy shit they fucking resonated with me so hard and as much as life can suck ass and lovvves kicking me in the balls when ive just recovered from last time i a least get to remember how & why i love something so much.
#thebirdspeaks#ive been trying to make a coherent post about Berserk and specifically the duality of Casca and Guts as victims post eclipse#because there are issues but also it resonates so well with me regardless#i cant word it pretty but i think its something about Casca and Guts both being victims and responding in opposite ways#and because they are so tightly linked you can almost see them as one victim experiencing the duality of victimhood#as an internal struggle made into two separate people#i flip flop between who i relate to more in relation to my own trauma#and there is plenty to criticize with the writing choices around Casca dont get me wrong#but as much as people criticize her mind breaking and turning into a shell of herself that needs constant help as something entirely negati#i sure as fuck was not given that space and care to be broken#its very nuanced but i think so few people write victims sympathetically that as much as turning into a mess can appear overdone#being cared for and given space and help and being allowed to be a burden is a powerful thing#and i find the expectation to be strong in the face of what you went though is much more common and damaging to me#anyway as many issues as i have i think Casca being allowed to be a victim as much a she was is why i love Berserk so much and while i thin#it could be better if some things were changed#but im not sure if it would have hit as hard and meant as much to me when i was wobbling between mindless rage and want for revenge#and just being broken and tired and weak and scared#reading Guts protect Casca like he did#showed me that that part of me could protect and is better off channeling the mindless rage into protecting whats important to me and what#needs it#letting me demand protection and love and sympathy for my weakest self in my darkest hours#i know im far from objective & my opinions are not universal#but the fact Casca is allowed to be a victim so fully and not just a hashtag girlboss who struggles her way out#well i wouldn't call Guts a girlboss but actually i think that's why it worked.#because between the two they cover the two ends of the common depictions of victimhood: forced to stay strong and allowed to be weak#anyway im about to hit tag limit i love you f you read this far and if you think this is horseshit then please don't say#if you think im right and sexy about it pile the love on meee<3
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bitches be like picking fight with everyone at work and wondering why no one wants him to be the head division
#my ex boss be wilding#im like sorry sir im not your subordinate anymore#we're actually a peer now stop telling me what to do#also he dared compared his situation with mine#and calling his wife a burden at home#i feel sorry for his wife#and now he's just whinning about everything bc he's the only supervisor with no staff or assistant#🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣#oh man... I'm not even mad they change my transferred schedule#i got a whole ass clown here to entertain me
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kindof funny to imagine my pre-existing ocs being in wbg... fucking dean pryor playing wbg. what a thought. WOULD HIS MOTHER BE HIS PRIZE? OR HIS DAD? oh if it was his dad he wouldnt even need the fourth challenge he'd kill that man on his own. no actually probably someone from his time working for blu....... interesting thought. oh no do NOT give pryor free access to time travel he'd immediately try to monopolize it. and also get fucking rich. oh my god he could fuck over so many people from his past... MAN. dont give the worst guy ever access to time travel its going to go disastrously. MAN.
#MANN. well he would play it for his wife. if he even knew about the prizes i mean.#OH HE WOULD SO ROPE DAEMOR INTO IT. GODDDDD. codependent dae & pryor arc WHEN.#no thats so funny actually. pryor his wife and the weird guy they keep around for some fucking reason#why is she third wheeling in her own marriage. stop this.#SHE DOESNT HAVE A NAME YET SORRY. but she is the kindest most patient soul#oh my god her and pryor have the most opposite responses to trauma. she became kind to others and pryor-#-became the worst fucking guy on earth. man. they were literally in the same situation. or similar situations? i guess?#dae is motivated by two things: spite and love.#dae why are you in love with not only your boss but the shittest man on earth. get help.#pryor flirting with dae to get him to do what he wants and his wife is like. i do not see. girl. GIRL.#man. the worst fucking polycule in the world. they arent even officially a polycule AND YET.#ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SUCK... yes even his wife shes an enabler. PLEASE get therapy literally any of you omg#... actually no pryor would just lie to his therapist. and dae would blatantly refuse to go. his wife would also lie to her therapist-#-because she doesnt want to 'burden' them. GIRLLLLL. you literally have soso many issues and one of them is called dean pryor#no sorry theyre so funny. theyre so funny to me. what a fucking mess.
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That manipulative, guilt-tripping, gaslighting and condescending ex-friend I've been subposting about every now and then for several months because his actions and words have made a paranoid wreck out of me, who suddenly stonewalled me three months ago after I set up my very first impersonal boundary with him, and then I just never reached out to him again because I realized what he was trying to do was get me to crawl on my knees and ask HIM for forgiveness for hurting ME... he messaged me today. With a laundry list of excuses and justifications in the form of an "apology" filled with fake compliments and self-pity and words put into my own mouth that I had never said to him.
I let him HAAAAAAVE it motherfucker. Well Mr. Krabs, do you wanna know what I think?
#tales from diana#i almost feel bad for him but i know i shouldnt!!!! hes a lying manipulating ass bullshitting bullshitter!!!!!!#he did this right before i had to leave for my brother's wedding rehearsal. asshole#still thinking even though it's been three months wo acknowledging him. he still thinks i dont have anything to do than attend to his needs#truly. he's a pathetic narcissistic little boy.#this is precisely WHY i knew i NEVER should've talked to him. bc i knew he was gonna be manipulative and guilt-tripping#and he'd MAKE ME SYMPATHIZE WITH HIM!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! I DO FEEL BAD EVEN THOUGH IM STRONG IN MY CONVICTIONS I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HIM#until today when i had to call him out for burdening me WAY to much when i DID NOT fucking ask to hear from him#let alone with him bringing up all this bullshit ive been trying to move on from#fuck the fuck off!!!!!! fuck all the way off!!!!!!!!!!!!#leave my friends alone too stop dragging them into this#he is way too good at wringing sympathy out of other ppl if ive been self-aware of my problem with him#for at least three months not to mention he used me and manipulated me for MANY MANY MONTHS#EVERY SINGLE DAY HE WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE FOR HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR MONTHS#and *I* felt bad for *HIM* and bc he made me feel like *I* could never look out for *MYSELF*#for MY OWN NEEDS#GO TO FUCKING HELL DUDE!!!!!!! GO TO HELL#the way im typing these tags is actually not representative at all to what i said to him#but i did assert myself that i was angry and he was approaching me on terms that were good for him not that were good for me#and that he knew i wanted to talk to him on my own time.#i was originally jsut going to tell him sternly but drily that i dont wanna be friends anymore i want to cut ties completely#oh but he made me be MEAN about it. WELL THATS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!!!!! ITS WHAT YOU BEGGED FOR#go cry about you shitass motherfucker#ive wiped more than enough of your fucking tears for a lifetime. seriously go fuck yourself#(again this is nothing like what i said to him. i didnt even swear. but any truth i tell him is more than he wants to hear)#(to him there'll be no difference)#well :) i have to make peace w that fact... and i blocked him at long last. so. im just gonna have to be the bad guy#ill have to tell my friends about it over the weekend or... sometime i guess#MY BROTHER'S FUCKING WEDDING IS THIS WEEKEND and he does this to me. fuckkkkkk offfffffff. we love your considerate timing bro#i hate him :) i seriously fucking hate him
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That's it, right? As embarrassing as that is to say, I've had trouble taking care of myself on my own for a long time. That's a statement I can make out loud. What to actually do about it, I don't know yet.
#p#I think that's why my thoughts keep circling back to inpatient#because that's the externalisation of finally admitting I can't take care of myself solo#and actually putting that burden where it belongs instead of where it doesn't#it would be easier if Breathing Through It could be a full time job#the challenge is actually needing to function and earn a living at the same time#and actually I refuse to call it pathetic or embarassing again I'm genuinely too tired to even do shame#I'm at the point of Not Well where the rest of the world has to decide what to do with me#because I sure cannot do that for myself and that's uh. inpatient I guess#I just never expected to end up here#I've genuinely just been keeping my shit together for three decades#and I'm about 12 months overdue on someone else needing to take the goddamn reins
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Mm. It’s a trauma feels night. Sorry, this is gonna be a vent post. Don’t feel obligated to read.
#I wonder who I would’ve been#I wonder if there was really ever a chance of it going different…#I dunno#it’s just hard being surrounded by people who don’t know and don’t understand what happened to me and why it shaped me#I know it’s selfish and probably horrible of me but i want so badly to be able to share it with someone just so the burden will be a little#Lighter and the hurt a little less#and to be clear I don’t mean I want anyone else to have gone through what I did#I just mean I wish I was able to have a friend who understands what happened to me and takes the time to listen and care#and who could share their stuff with me#I know people would probably call it “traumadumping” nowadays but fucking hell being able to see and understand each others pain to#the best of our experiences and caring for eachother and sharing burdens is something so fundamentally human#And it being written off with some tiktok term and generally pushed aside for the sake of capitalism is soul crushing#I don’t know I guess I just really feel like a lot of my friendships are formed with surface level things like seeing eachother and#enjoying talking to eachother and all that#and I know those are what most friendships are and a deeper listening to eachother isnt normalized and#“normal people don’t work like that and im too intense and insane and abnormal”#But FUCK#I also just feel really guilty right now because I currently need consistent affirmations that people actually like being around me#or that im not horrible or im not hated by my friends etc etc#and im trying to work towards not needing that#but right now I still need them… and i KNOW that my friends like me but I can’t BELIVE it rn#and I don’t know how to ask them to tell me im worthy of life#because I don’t want to be too demanding#or annoying#or anything that would make them hate me#(woah that’s the trauma talking)#but god I need the affirmation right now#Anyways sorry everyone#can you tell I’m traumatized? Yeah? I know.#Delete later
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dni.
#i don't know how people who do not have siblings live cause#whenever i feel the very intense and real urge to genuinely kms their faces pop up in my head#my sister laughing at my jokes after she had a bad day and saying with tears in her eyes that hey you know what i need you so much please#call me constantly when im abroad i don't know what I'd do without you#and my little brother not trusting my parents advice when he is sick because he thinks they're constantly telling him to do a hundred thing#anyway but listening to me when im giving the exact same advice asking me such innocent questions that seem so obvious#but he doesn't know because of his childlike innocence#like why are we not going to the doctor if i have fever how do our parents know how to cure it and how can i take dolo without a doctors#prescription and me laughing and explaining that it's okay it's normal it's paracetamol you don't have to worry you'll be okay in day or 2#or how he's excitedly telling me that these are the colleges i looked up are they good how do you know if they're good#he needs me so much even tho he'd never say it they've been even worse parents to him than to me he doesn't have anyone else#so then how could i be so selfish and hurt the two people who love and need me the most the two people on whom if i see tears#it feels like a stab directly to the heart?#but i can't help it. can't help fantasizing about dying#maybe myself but even better if by some terminal illness#i keep thinking me lying in a hospital bed and doctors saying there's a complicated procedure and it's very expensive and results aren't#even guaranteed so are you sure want to be treated#and me saying no please let me die my parents would protest at first they would feel it is their duty responsibility to keep me alive#but id say please i don't have anything to live for and i just CAN'T i can't do this i can't live this life it's too difficult im not#capable im already failing please just let me give up and then they'd agree#and then i would tell my father that im sorry i couldn't pay you back for all the money you spent on me my education my living expenses#but atleast now i won't ask for anymore money from you ever you'll probably get some money from the insurance policies#and i would tell my mom that sorry for being such a burden on you all these years but now you can finally be free with the 2 kids you#actually love and you never have to cook for me again or fold my clothes or feel bad that i won't attend your family functions#and i would tell my siblings that i know it's sad but please i know you guys are strong and bright and you're gonna be very happy and#successful and that's enough for me im sorry we couldn't have our dream raksha bandhan away from our parents but you can carry on without#me and ill always love you. and that would be it.#i know it's wrong to fantasize so much about dying and ive read somewhere that they may just seem like thoughts now but if left untreated#one day you're gonna have a bad day and you're gonna find the perfect opportunity and you were so sure you were never going to do it but#then you do. but i don't know how to stop
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Vent
Tw: violence, SH, su!cide
#fuck :)#my dads pissing me off so badly and hes the only physical being in my life.......#:(#i tried to put down a boundary and im the fucking villian#he called me stupid multiple times with the things he said#OF COURSE hed never call me stupid straight out#so im the crazy stupid villian that hears things#fuckfuvkfuckfuvk#im ginba cut mhsemf ahakn and telk him its his faukt steaight up#i fucking hate my stupid body and my stupid brain#it just makes my family mad >:( :'(#im so broken......#they dont understand the pain in my chest....how badly i hate myself and wish i could just not be noticed by their anger#im so fucking sad#........im just a fucking burden i wish they woukd be mean to me outright so i could leave or feel validated in my pain#i fucking hate my life what is the point???? all i do is preform for other people#then when the cracks of me starts to leak thru i get verbally beaten down#hes so fycking annoy8nh......he makes me hate myself.......#no one believes how sad i am#im only mad at my dad for 20 minutes then the rest of the time i just wish i could die or not exist#i have to now pretend im not dead inside#cus hell get mad at me for not being a walking doormat#i wish he could see what he does to me mentally.....#im not imaginibg beating him up or screaming at him.....#im literally stabbing n hurting and k-lling myself in my mind when he hurts me#and hes just here thinking out loud like a child like he didnt jjst piss me ofc#i wish i could stab myself or cut myself in front of him#maybe then hed actually be a not sekf minded stuoud botvh#my family buys me things so they can treat me however. cus im the youngest and smallest dog.#i fucking HATE my life what is the point?!?!
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