#and when it wasn't my peers it was the adults that were supposed to help me i was getting fat shamed by my own dad

[grimandghoulish]

.

[makeitmingi]

The Cat and Dog Game [Chapter 12]

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Comedy

Pairing: Yunho x Reader (y/n)

Characters: Chef!Reader, RestaurantOwner!Yunho, MaitreD!Hongjoong, Waiter!Yeosang, Waiter!San, Waiter!Mingi, SousChef!Seonghwa, SousChef!Wooyoung, PrepChef!Jongho

Summary: Yunho's dream was to open and run his own restaurant. But he doesn't know anything when it comes to cooking. Until you came along and accepted the job, bringing with you a small crew. How will the black cat tame the energetic golden retriever?

Word count: 3.2K

In the middle of the morning shift, the door opened and a much smaller body entered the store alone. He walked up to the counter, eyes able to peer over the top.

"Excuse me." He said.

"Yes, can I help-" Mingi blinked in confusion, looking at a blank space in front of him. He was sure he heard someone. That was when he looked down and saw the child standing there, looking back up at him with a tilted head.

"One hot chocolate, please." The child ordered. Mingi, stunned to the point where he couldn't speak, merely nodded in reply and keyed in the order.

"₩6,500..." Mingi said with uncertainty. The child took his wallet out, putting the money on the tray and Mingi handed him his change.

"Counter at the end." He instructed.

"Thank you. Have a nice day." The child walked over to the end to wait. Mingi looked around the cafe, who did this child belong to? Where did he come from?

"What's with you?" Hongjoong asked, noticing how Mingi was standing there, scratching his head.

"You see the child too, right hyung?" Mingi leaned over to whisper. Hongjoong looked over at the child that was waiting for San to make his hot chocolate for him. Hongjoong nodded his head in confirmation. Mingi let out a sigh of relief, at least he wasn't hallucinating or anything.

"It's just a kid, Mingi. Are you afraid of kids or something?" Hongjoong raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not. Just stunned that the kid seems to be on his own. He looks young but speaks like an adult." Mingi said. Hongjoong shrugged, going to carry on with his tasks.

"Do you need help bringing this to your table?" San asked as he handed the kid his cup of hot chocolate.

"No, thanks. I can handle it." He replied, carrying the cup carefully with two hands and finding a booth to sit down to enjoy his drink.

"That kid is cute and cool." San chuckled. He watched the kid sit at the booth, sipping his drink like an adult. He unzipped his backpack, taking his book and pencil out.

"What are you all staring at?" Yunho and Yeosang came.

"They enamoured by some kid." Hongjoong scoffed as he passed by, going to the back kitchen. Yeosang let out an amused laugh while Yunho was curious, what was a kid doing here alone? There wasn't any schools nearby.

"Hey there." Yunho approached the kid with a friendly smile and a cookie that he had on a plate. The kid stopped writing in his workbook and looked up at Yunho.

"You can have this." Yunho placed the plate with the cookie on the table. The kid stared at the treat for a while.

"No, thanks. I'm not supposed to accept things from strangers." He shook his head.

"Oh! I, uh, own this cafe. It's completely safe, don't worry." Yunho assured. He thought the kid would just take the cookie. Noticing the hesitation, Yunho broke off a bit and took a bite.

"See? Clean." Yunho said as he chewed. The kid stared at him oddly. Now reviewing his actions, Yunho admits he shouldn't have done that.

"Anyway, so are you here alone?" Yunho asked.

"There's no one else at this table here besides you and me so yes, I am on my own. For now. I am actually waiting for someone." The kid replied, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. Yunho nodded his head, this kid was fiesty but the way he spoke kind of reminded him of someone familiar.

"Who are you waiting for? Is it your parents?" Yunho continued to ask the kid questions in the kindest, sweetest voice he could muster. This kid was mighty cute.

"No, my parents were the ones that dropped me off. I'm actually here for my girlfriend." The kid spoke.

"G-Girlfriend?" Yunho's eyes widened. This kid looked to only be about 10 years old, how can he have a girlfriend?

"Noona!" The kid beamed, sliding off the booth and running away.

"Noona?" Yunho frowned, confused. He turned around to see the kid attached to you, hugging you tightly. You looked surprise for a moment before a small smile appeared on your face.

"Kyungmin ah. What are you doing here?" You asked, bending down to hug the child.

"I'm here to see you!" The kid, or Kyungmin, replied with a grin.

"Does your brother know you're here?" You raised an eyebrow. Kyungmin shook his head. You let out a sigh, reaching out to hold Kyungmin's hand and leading him into the kitchen. Yunho got up, going over to the serving window to peek.

"Yah, did omma and appa just drop you off here? They didn't even tell me anything." Wooyoung rolled his eyes, going to retrieve his phone while Kyungmin was attached to you at the hip.

"Are you hungry? Shall I make you something to eat?" You offered, looking down at him.

"Yeah. The strange ahjusshi outside offered a cookie but I didn't take it." Kyungmin said. You frowned slightly.

"That's good, Kyungie. You should never take food from strangers. But what strange ahjusshi?" You bent down, holding his shoulders. Yunho choked and let out a yelp.

"That strange ahjusshi." Kyungmin pointed to Yunho.

"W-Wait! I am not strange nor am I an ahjusshi!" Yunho said, stumbling into the kitchen.

"Kyungie, he owns the place. He's our boss." You explained. Kyungmin looked over at Yunho, eyeing him up and down. Yunho gulped, feeling the scrutiny of the small child.

"I made quiche lorraine. Shall I get you a slice?" You asked. Kyungmin nodded excitedly and you both walked out of the kitchen. You grabbed one of the last slices of quiche from the display cabinet, putting it on a plate and going to sit with Kyungmin at the booth he was at previously.

"Sorry about that, Yunho. That's my little brother, Kyungmin. I hope he wasn't too much trouble, I had no idea my parents were going to drop him off." Wooyoung bowed.

"No need to apologise. He's cute with a sharp tongue." Yunho chuckled.

"I have no idea who he gets it from. He doesn't even speak like a kid his age, way too sassy." Wooyoung shook his head.

"Really? You have no idea where he gets it from?" Seonghwa asked in disbelief with raised eyebrows. Jongho snickered while Wooyoung glared at the two.

"He told me he's here to meet his girlfriend?" Yunho scratched the back of his neck.

"About that. He's in love with (y/n), always calls her his girlfriend. Always saying he's going to marry her. But ignore him, he's just a kid." Wooyoung said. Yunho laughed but looked out to see you smiling at the kid eating in adoration.

"She'll never look at anyone else like that except Kyungmin. She doesn't even look at Seonghwa hyung like that." Jongho laughed, making Seonghwa jab him.

"Okay, buddy. Let (y/n) go pack up her things." Wooyoung said when he was done cleaning up.

"I'll be back." You patted Kyungmin's head and went to the kitchen.

"Sorry. You guys start on the dinner prep first, I'll be quick." You apologised to Seonghwa and Jongho, going to clear your station and wash your utensils.

"I didn't know you're a fan of kids." Yunho cleared his throat. You dried your tongs, putting them into your wrap.

"I'm not. I don't like kids." You replied.

"Kyungmin is an exception. You've heard the way he talks and seen the way he acts. He's a great kid and I think compared to other kids, he's way cuter." You said, clearing your throat in slight embarrassment, realising that you might be overly gushing over a kid that isn't even related to you.

"He seems to adore you and look up to you, that's cute." Yunho giggled.

"Do you not think I'm someone worthy of being looked up to?" You questioned, turning to him. Yunho's eyes widened, immediately shaking his hands.

"N-No! I mean, yes! Wait, no. W-What I meant was, there's no better person to look up to! I-I think it's cute that he does." He stuttered.

"I'm kidding, Yunho. Chill." You patted his shoulders.

"Don't do that." He let out a sigh of relief. You let out a small laugh, going to help Seonghwa and Jongho with the prep for dinner tonight. Yunho went out to help his friends.

"So he's Wooyoung's brother. They're both fiesty I guess." San laughed as he wiped the coffee mugs.

"He apparently doesn't see where Kyungmin gets it from. I knew his attitude reminded me of someone. But he seems very close with (y/n). She also seems so taken by him." Yunho said, leaning against the counter.

"Are you jealous of a kid?" Yeosang asked.

"Jealous? What's there to be jealous about?" Yunho turned to him. Yeosang shrugged while Yunho tilted his head in confusion. Mingi laughed, patting Yunho's shoulder.

"Who knows, (y/n) might be taken to you because of your kid-like nature too." Mingi teased.

"I'm not a kid! And (y/n) isn't 'taken to me'." Yunho frowned.

"He's right. He's not a kid. He's an overgrown puppy." Hongjoong laughed. Yunho had a flat look on his face as all his friends laughed at him. He sighed and went to clear one of the tables.

"I'm done." You poked your head out. Kyungmin jumped down excitedly, running to you.

"Yah! You didn't even pack your bag yet. Aish, this kid." Wooyoung helped Kyungmin pick up his things, stuffing it into his backpack and getting up. He brought Kyungmin's plate and cup to the back to be washed before bowing the the others to take his leave. San, Yeosang and Mingi bid him goodbye.

"(y/n) needs to rest before the busy dinner shift, Kyungmin. Let's go." Wooyoung said. Kyungmin pouted, holding your hand tightly, not wanting to part ways with you.

"I'll see you tonight, Kyungmin." You stroked his head. He looked up at you with his puppy eyes.

"Please can I go with you, noona?" He shook your hand.

"But I'm just going home to sleep, Kyungie. There's not much playing to do now. I think you can do much more fun things with your brother." You laughed.

"Uh, honestly, my plan was to sleep too..." Wooyoung scratched his head. You sighed.

"Why don't you and Kyungmin come back to mine then? There's a guestroom to sleep in. We can come back to the restaurant together." You suggested. Kyungmin's eyes brightened as he turned to Wooyoung and jumped excitedly.

"Yes! Yes!" Kyungmin cheered. Wooyoung sent you a sorry look but you smiled with a slight shake of your head, you didn't mind as long as Kyungmin was happy.

"Alright, we'll see you guys tonight then." Seonghwa and Jongho took Seonghwa's car while Wooyoung and Kyungmin sat in your car.

"So, Kyungie, how is school?" You asked as you drove. The boy sat in the back, swinging his legs back and forth.

"It's okay. I have a lot of friends there. The school food isn't too good though so I asked omma to pack me a lunch box." Kyungmin scrunched his nose, making you and Wooyoung laugh.

"Your hyung spoils you too much." You said.

"Me? Who is the one that made him a tasting plate of caviar blinis?" Wooyoung shot you a look.

"He has a good palate. Plus, I'll never forget his face when he first tried it. You could tell, he appreciates the flavours of the different toppings." You shrugged.

"Right..." Wooyoung scoffed. You drove home and immediately hopped into a shower. While waiting for your hair to dry, Kyungmin sat with you, doing his homework. You had an arm around him, leaning down to look at his work. You only helped him when he asked you for help.

"Oh, yeah. Kyungie, now that you're here." You stood up and went to the freezer. You put stuff in a small bowl and came back to the couch, handing him the bowl. Kyungmin put his workbook aside.

"Ice cream?" Kyungmin looked at you. You nodded your head, encouraging him to try the treat.

"I was just playing around with flavours and textures that you can put in ice cream." You said.

"It's nice." Kyungmin hummed happily, eating another bite. He scooped up a bite, holding up the spoon to offer you a bite. You leaned down to eat it.

"What do you taste, Kyungie?" You asked.

"It tastes like apple pie...?" He said, unsure of what he was tasting. He tasted it again to be sure.

"That's right, Kyungie." You patted his head. It was a vanilla ice cream base, which would usually be served on top of apple pie. There were bits of cooked apple and graham cracker pieces stirred throughout the ice cream. And it was topped with a salted caramel sauce.

"(y/n), are you giving him ice cream?" Wooyoung walked over, fresh out of the shower.

"I wanted to test his palate." You defended.

"That's what you always say whenever you give him sweets." Wooyoung squinted his eyes at you. Both you and Kyungmin laughed, knowing you've been caught.

"I can't resist him." You pinched Kyungmin's cheek. Wooyoung scoffed, taking the space on the other side of Kyungmin.

"Go sleep." Wooyoung urged you. You looked at the clock and realised there wasn't much time left.

"I'll see you later, Kyungie." You stood up and went to your room.

You didn't really sleep, you just laid in bed, scrolling on your iPad and reading your cooking notes. Suddenly, your bedroom door opened and Kyungmin teetered in. You guessed that he must have snuck away from Wooyoung. You lifted your head slightly, patting the space beside you.

"Can I sleep here? Wooyoung hyung is hogging the entire bed." He mumbled, rounding the bed and climbing under the covers beside you. You laughed and nodded.

"He always spreads his limbs out." You said and continued to read, feeling him snuggle against your side.

"Is he here?" You hadn't realised how much time had passed until Wooyoung poked his head in, looking for Kyungmin.

"Yeah." You whispered, pointing to the small lump beside you.

"Go wash up. I'll wake him up." He came in. You nodded and Wooyoung came over to help you up, careful to not disturb Kyungmin yet. He patted your hip as you went to the bathroom.

"My parents will come to the restaurant for dinner and take Kyungmin home with then after." Wooyoung said as you came out.

"Okay." You tied your hair up. Kyungmin rubbed his eyes and yawned, perched on the bed beside Wooyoung. You used your fingers to comb his messy hair, going back to the bathroom and grabbing a wet cloth to wipe his face for him.

"Good nap?" You laughed. Kyungmin nodded, reaching up to hug you. He was just like Wooyoung, he likes hugs.

"Is your older brother coming tonight too?" You turned to Wooyoung.

"No, he's working late at his internship." He replied. You went to your closet to get clothes to change into while Wooyoung and Kyungmin gathered their things.

"Ready?" You grabbed your keys as the boys were waiting for you in the living room.

Just as your car pulled up, Seonghwa and Jongho's cars arrived too. You and Jongho put your arms around each other.

"Hi Kyungmin." Seonghwa patted the younger boys head with a small smile. Since Seonghwa, Wooyoung, Jongho and you worked closely together, you were all familiar with each other's families. Mostly.

Also, coincidentally, all the families had boys only so you were the darling daughter to the three boys' parents.

"Seonghwa hyung!" Kyungmin smiled, reaching to hold Seonghwa's hand as they headed into the restaurant together. Wooyoung set up a small table and chair for Kyungmin in the locker room to wait until dinner service, not wanting him to be in the way while the team prepared the food.

"No giving Kyungmin any sweets. He's having dinner with my parents later and I don't want them nagging me." Wooyoung announced, giving you a pointed look.

"What?" You snapped back with a growl. Seonghwa chuckled, shaking his head.

"Please, your parents love (y/n) more than you. You could just use her as your defense." Jongho shrugged.

"Wow. Thanks, Jong." You rolled your eyes.

"But we know they'll never blame her. Mrs Jung will still somehow pin the blame on Wooyoung." Seonghwa said, going into the walk in to grab his ingredients.

"Hello!" Yunho entered with a smile. As he entered the locker room, he almost yelled as he was shocked by Kyungmin inside.

"Oh, it's the weird ahjusshi." Kyungmin blinked.

"I-I'm not a weird ahjusshi! I'm the same age as your brother!" Yunho exclaimed. Kyungmin laughed, obviously having fun teasing a very reactive Yunho. Clearing his throat, Yunho put his bag and coat down before heading back out.

"Yah, Kyungmin ah. He's a hyung." Wooyoung poked his head in. Kyungmin nodded, giving Wooyoung a thumbs up before going back to the game he was playing on Wooyoung's iPad.

"This kid..." Wooyoung sighed and went back to prep work. Yunho flocked to your side, 'offering assistance' with his puppy like enthusiasm and grin.

"There's really not much to do now since we did prep earlier, Yunho." You spoke.

"Aww, really?" Yunho pouted.

"Would you rather us be scrambling around in a state of chaos now then?" You cast him a side glance. Yunho was shocked, stuttering and shaking his head.

"T-That's not what I meant, of course! I would never want you to be in that state! Or the whole kitchen. What I meant was-"

"Relax, I was just teasing you." You chuckled. Yunho huffed but deep down, he was glad that you felt more relaxed around him to be able to joke with him freely now. He could sense that you were less guarded around him, which he was glad for. Not wanting to assume, Yunho still hadn't asked to be your friend yet.

"Hey, Yunho. My parents are coming for dinner tonight. There's still a table available for them, right?" Wooyoung asked.

"Of course. I'll give them a booth so they can sit comfortable with Kyungmin." Yunho nodded, not even needing to check the reservations in the store system.

"Thanks." Wooyoung smiled. Yunho went out, taking Hongjoong's store iPad and adding the reservation in.

"Hello~" Yunho heard the other boys arrive.

"Hey, it's the little man." Mingi grinned, waving to Kyungmin when they saw him sitting in the locker room. Kyungmin looked up at Mingi, Yeosang, San and Hongjoong.

"I'm not little. I'm the average height for my age. You're just overgrown and if anything, he's the little man along with my brother." Kyungmin said.

"Hey!" Hongjoong frowned. Mingi just stood there, wide eyed at this kid's words.

"He got you there, hyung!" Yeosang and San burst out laughing. Wooyoung, who had heard all the commotion and laughing came over, wondering what was going on. He looked at an annoyed Hongjoong and a stunned Mingi.

"Your little brother just called you and Hongjoong hyung short. And Mingi, overgrown. He's so funny." San said in between laughs. Yeosang couldn't even speak.

"Yah, Jung Kyungmin." Wooyoung glared at the boy.

"Need you guys out to set up for dinner service." Yunho called out. San patted Kyungmin's head as he walked past.

"I guess he's definitely Wooyoung's brother." Yeosang said, still chuckling. Hongjoong shot him a flat look, going over to take his reservation iPad out.

"Alright, let's do this." Yunho smiled.

~

Series masterlist

[just-your-average-tangerine]

I've seen the claim made before that women and girls are allowed to masculine while men and boys are not allowed to be feminine.

While there are very limited situations in which that is somewhat true, saying that as a blanket statement is just false.

First of all, there are many environments that do not allow girls to be feminine to begin with. But even when it is allowed, it's situational. Young (generally pre-pubescent) girls may be allowed to be tomboys as long as it's cute, but the second they stray too far from "isn't that adorable," it must be stopped. The second those girls start choosing masculine activities over the feminine ones they're expected to partake in, they must be redirected. And once those girls start to grow up, they're expected to give up whatever masculine interests they had in favor of makeup, fashion, and boys. Things girls are "supposed" to like. They may be allowed to retain a masculine interest as long as its an acceptable one (usually a sport) and as long as they still "act like a girl." If they failong this adults will look down on them for being too masculine and their peers will look down on them for being 'a pick-me'.

Adult women are "allowed" to be masculine as long as they do it in a way that's still attractive to straight men. And even that's situational. After all, a woman not wearing makeup in the office is "unprofessional."

Then there's environments like the one I grew up in. I was raised in a southern baptist church, where the sole purpose of women is to be pretty, obey their husband, and have and raise children. Women are not allowed to be masculine. But I was.

The thing is, I was not "allowed" to be masculine. It was not a freedom I was given. It was a punishment I was receiving. After all, the most important thing a young woman can be is pretty, and it was clear, even when i was a toddler, that I wasn't. My hair was too frizzy, I was too chubby, and I had too many freckles. I was not worthy of femininity, I had failed my duty to be pretty. The girls my age who tried to "help" me were told they were wasting their time, "putting lipstick on a pig." My grandmother, trying to get me to wear makeup as a teen to cover my acne, was told not to bother because "There's not enough makeup in the world to fix that kids face."

My experience with that is not unique. I worked for a short time at a preschool, I left because I couldn't keep working somewhere that treated kids the way they did, and one of the go-to punishments for girls who were misbehaving was putting them in boys clothes from the schools spare clothes supply. The worst thing they could think to do to 3 and 4 year old girls was dress them "like boys."

Girls are not universally given more freedom to be gender non-conforming than boys are, the mechanism of discouraging it is just different.

[theweirdwideweb]

In hindsight after your ADHD diagnosis, were there specific moments or behaviors from your childhood/teenage years that you saw under a new light?

Now I have not been able to get a diagnosis, but I do strongly believe I have ADHD at the very least. I thought it started and got progressively worse when I was in high school, because that's where I noticed that I was struggling. But then later, I brought up the idea to my mom and she was like "no, you've always been like this" what? But I genuinely didn't remember that.

I also found old report cards and progress reports from elementary school that all said some variation of "a pleasure to have in class, but needs to be reminded to focus and stay on task." But I was never tested? Why? I was in IEP and went to special classes weekly and was regularly tested for non-ADHD disabilities (hearing loss), so what would an extra test or two have hurt?

Did you have any moments of realization where you were like "oh, so it was always there?"

I hear you. It's so frustrating to think I could have gotten help as kid, but no one even suggested it. It had never even occurred to me by the time I was diagnosed at 34. If my psychiatrist hadn't suggested it I probably would still be undiagnosed. Looking back, of course there were signs. It's all mixed up with the fact that I was abused as a kid and developed PTSD at about 10, but here are some things that stood out:

Scored in the 99th percentile on all standardized tests, but had average grades. Did not complete assignments. Found I couldn't start my homework at home despite dire consequences from abusive parents.

Feeling developmentally different than my peers. It was like they all got something about friends and social behavior that I just missed and I couldn't figure out what it was. Related much more to adults than children.

Sensory problems. High sensitivity to light, sound, sensations. I would react with extreme anger that upset and confused everyone, myself included.

Physically uncoordinated. Poor balance, using too much or too little strength, dropping things, knocking things over. So much so that my parents had a mean nickname for me about it.

Number lists! For example: I got to school at 8. I would write down all the times between 8 and 5 in five minute intervals on a sheet of paper (9:15, 9:20, 9:25, etc) and cross them off as the time passed. Kept track of reading in a similar way (book, page, goal pages, where I'm supposed to be, difference between page I'm on and page I should be, average pages per day, etc etc etc like 10 columns. Notebooks full of this.

Extreme emotional sensitivity. Prone to depression and angry outbursts.

And so much more I'm assuming. All my parents did was tell me to stop being r*tarded and that I was a bad person. I grew up with a pervasive sense of being "the weird kid". It deeply effected my self esteem. I hope you are able to be tested. Understanding that I had a neurodevelopmental disorder instead of a moral failing and being treated for it with stimulant medication changed my whole life. I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s but thank god I was.

[furiousgoldfish]

i hit a breaking point with my sister recently. shes only 12 but shes a preteen so of course shes a bit more work than i would expect. my parents were out the house, and i cared for her like i have for years when theyre out. i even help with my older brother, but back when he wasnt 18, when he was 17 and younger!

she got mad at me for taking too long to shower, then for "looking mean", then she yelled at me for not making her the food my mom makes.

I regret what i did but i talked back. i told her i wasnt mom, im just a girl. i tried the gentle parenting thing, even read my old parenting book i bought when i turned 11!! i still couldnt control what came out my mouth, i was cold to her. i said "fine, you don't have to like it, or me just stop fucking yelling at me like im your mom. im 16 not mama. im still a kid"

she told my parents and they didnt even know what to do, my sister WANTED me in trouble, but instead my parents just ate a silent dinner last night and tonight.

im not a mom, im just a 16 year old person trying to be a good person for the piece of intolerable idiocy of my sister. i love her, but shes so annoying.

I'm not sure what to say, you were right about saying you were a 16 year old, and not your sister's caretaker. Your parents obviously put you in a role of parenting your sister, and you tried so hard, so it's no wonder your temper ran out when all that hard work was met with unpleasantness and lack of gratitude, but this is because your parents put you in a role you were never meant to be in. You're not an adult, you're not supposed to be expected to have researched parenting and to figure out the best way to parent your sister, this is insane that they asked this of you.

What they've done is called 'parentification', and it's putting a child into a role of a parent, expecting them to have their problems figured out on their own and on top of that to care for their siblings, and sometimes even the parents themselves. This puts the immense pressure on a child to keep peace, make everyone happy, appear to have no troubles, no issues of their own, and then also so quickly grow up that they can effectively care for their siblings, have endless patience, do tasks perfectly and take on responsibilities they were not trained or developed enough to do.

You are not supposed to be burdened with all this, you're supposed to be chasing your own interests and hobbies, have free time and enjoy yourself, figure out how to fit with your own peers, have friendships and first relationships, you're not supposed to be burdened with parenting and making everyone in your house happy. You're supposed to be cared for.

So I don't think you've done anything wrong, and it is alarming that your younger sister wanted to get you in trouble - it sounds like she's already realized you're at the end of made up 'hierarchy' of who is supposed to be blamed for everything, so she took advantage to affirm that her place is above you, and that you will be punished if she isn't pleased with you - which has to be immensely painful for you, who worked so hard to try and parent your sister.

She is 12 and just absorbing whatever her environment is telling her, and I actually don't know enough about 12-year-olds to say if her actions were normal or messed up at that stage, I can tell that they hurt you and that it wasn't fair towards you.

Your parents seem to have done absolutely nothing to resolve this situation, to comfort you, or to parent their own 12 year old, which makes this even worse, to know that when you're at the end of your rope and no longer know or can do anything, that even then they will not pitch in and act like adults and resolve a painful situation, or to even comfort you after an incident. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, you shouldn't be. I know this happens a lot, people have children and then think it's an easy out just to leave to the older children to parent the younger, it's not a cool trick, it's neglect and burdening children with their own responsibilities. I hope one day you experience what it's like to be free of responsibilities like this, and to know that it's not your job to raise children you didn't have - even though in this case I understand you love your little sister and you're ready to take on a lot of burdens just to make her life easier. It's still not fair, and this burden shouldn't be put on your shoulders.

If anyone else can relate to this situation or knows some good words to say, please add to this post. I didn't have a personal experience like this, so I probably am not the best person to make comments on judgment on it, hearing other people's experiences might help.

[eutravels]

Rani Takes on the World : Beyond Bannerman Road (1)

After watching the minisode from 2020 called Farewell Sarah Jane, you can't help but think you want to see all these characters back. Lucky for me, when I saw it, this boxset had just come out, and I have to say I was impressed.

Every story is different and better than the last, the characters' evolution is perfectly managed considering the big gap between the TV show and the events from these three stories. It really has the ambition to be a true successor to the Sarah Jane Adventures by putting Rani as the front woman and working on very qualitative scripts.

I honestly cannot wait for the next one to come out and I sincerely hope it catches up on the high expectations this boxset helped build within me.

Here is a story by story review, beware some spoilers here and there, even though I made my best to make it spoiler free.

Here Today

I only have one word for this one: wow. First of all, the time loop is well executed and the urgence of the situation is very well conveyed by the twists, the characters and the music.

I can't not mention the jaw-dropping scene at the end of the first time loop. Absolutely chilling. You have to listen to it to understand how much of a shock it is.

You don't have a second to yourself when listening to this one, the story just takes you and you have to get along.

Destination: Wedding

I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of hard for me to get into this one at first but in the end I loved it so much more than the pilot! You can easily guess the solution to the mystery but never without a doubt.

Gita is just the perfect comic character, every single sentence of her is an instant punchline, and she's also got a lot of heart.

Rani seems to be kind of in a young adult life crisis, because once again she's comparing herself to her same aged peers, even more so in this one with the pressure of her mother onto her. These are themes that resonated with me a lot since I am approximately the same age as Rani is supposed to be in this and I actually am going through all of this.

Also, I wasn't sure I understood it correctly in the first story but now it's clear: Phoenix is a non-binary person! Yay! And they're dating Clyde, a major character!

In the end this one was pretty enjoyable even though it had a lot less action and tension than the one before, but the character work and the mysterious plot make it an absolute banger!

The Withching Tree

Wow, this one was definitely my favourite! So chilling! I started listening to it during a night road trip and it was really frightening!

The plot twist is really surprising and every new happening is a shock.

I really liked that this episode was kind of an episode of Rani's podcast, I hope they do that on the second series as well.

It was very well orchestrated to make the tension build up to the great reveal, which is so satisfying to listen to. Honestly a great piece of drama.

This is the first time I had heard about Tyler Steele because I didn't listen to any of the Torchwood stuff, so at first I was like "Who does he think he is? Why is he so ok with aliens?" but then I looked him up and it made a lot more sense.

I also loved that the Blue Box Files were being mentioned since I'm also currently listening to Doctor Who Redacted so it was a really nice touch from Big Finish to make Rani and Samira talk about them!

[stargazer-sims]

Victor 🫰🏽 and your word is INCORRIGIBLE

Thanks for the ask @morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy ! I had to think about this one for a minute. I mean, Victor is the embodiment of incorrigibility, so...

__________

"It'll be fine. Don't worry."

Famous last words, Victor thinks as he lies on Yuri's bed and stares up at the ceiling. He knows he's not dying, but he feels like he's going to, or maybe as if he should, if only to release him from his agony.

It'd all started with a viral TikTok video his teenage cousins showed him. They said they were going to make their own version, and then they dared him to make one, too. They dared him! Not being the sort of person who backs down from any challenge, naturally he had to do it.

He still can't decide if it's a good or a bad thing that Yuri walked in on him when he was just about to tap 'record' on his phone's video app. Maybe if he'd actually listened to Yuri's perfectly reasonable argument against it, that would've been good. But no... his competitive spirit would not be tamed.

"Victor, what in the world are you doing?" Yuri asked.

"TikTok challenge," he said. "Maddie and Bella put me onto it."

"Is that an energy drink?" Yuri was eyeing the can on the table in front of Victor. "And a stopwatch?"

"Yeah," Victor said. "You're supposed to drink the whole thing in one go, without pausing for breath, and do it as fast as you can."

"Victor, no," Yuri said. "That's a terrible idea. You know how you react to caffeine. You always say your belly hurts when you drink coffee. What do you think an energy drink is going to do to you?"

"I'm gonna drink it fast."

"That's not the point. It doesn't matter how fast you drink it. You'll still make yourself sick. In fact, you'll probably make yourself even more sick if you drink it too fast."

"Maddie and Bella didn't get sick."

"Madison and Isabella are teenagers who are powered almost exclusively by peer pressure, stupidity and caffeine," Yuri said pointedly. "You, on the other hand, are an intelligent adult who hardly ever puts anything unhealthy into his body. Honestly, I can't believe you'd let your cousins talk you into doing something like this."

"They dared me, Yuri! I couldn't say no."

"Yes, you could have," Yuri said.

"It'll be fine," Victor told him, "Don't worry."

But of course it wasn't.

He thought he'd gotten away with it for the first half hour or so, until the caffeine kicked in. Then, he began to feel lightheaded and started trembling uncontrollably. it wasn't long after that when he found himself stumbling toward the bathroom with the sensation of an invisible hand squeezing his insides.

Yuri followed him in and knelt on the floor beside him, stroking his back while he heaved.

"I'm not going to say I told you so," Yuri said, once he was done.

He sagged into Yuri's waiting arms, heedless of the fact that he's really too big and heavy for Yuri to hold like that. Yuri didn't seem to mind, though, awkward as it was. He let Victor cry for a minute, and then helped him up and led him upstairs to bed.

He doesn't feel nauseous now at least, but his stomach still hurts like crazy, and he's still shaky and kind of dizzy despite lying down. His one bit of comfort is Yuri's soft little hand beneath his shirt, rubbing slow, gentle circles on his belly.

"You're not going to do anything like that again, are you?" Yuri says.

"No. Not for a while."

"Not ever."

"No promises," Victor says. "Impulse control issues, you know? Plus, I like to compete."

Yuri makes a small noise of exasperation. "You're incorrigible, Victor."

"Maybe I am," he concedes. "But, I finished my drink way faster than Bella and Maddie finished theirs, and you know what that means.”

“I probably shouldn’t ask.”

“It means I have bragging rights, ‘cause I won the challenge."

Yuri shakes his head. “What did I say? Absolutely incorrigible.”

[dawnleafs]

Shark Infested Waters

I consider myself a fairly quiet person who has an aversion to conflict. But at a point in my life, being on edge and getting into conflict was all I'd ever known. I once had a friend. A dearly beloved friend. A friend whom I was willing to give the world for. A friend I was glad to have by my side, because I believed I had no one else. Because I thought I had no other choice. It was either him, or no one. And I didn't want to be friends with no one. I didn't want to be alone. No matter how much I deluded myself into thinking I could be fine alone. And yet. It was with this so-called friend I had never truly been more alone my entire life.

While the years have long passed by and I am busy juggling much more important, adulthood manners, I keep finding my mental state fixated on this point of time in my life. This time in my life in which I was a young high schooler who just wanted friends, but struggled to find solace among my peers. So naturally, like the huge ass loser I was, I turned to the internet. And it was in my countless days of lurking about the internet and slipping into spaces I probably had no real reason ever being on, with people coming and going in my life, I met him. FutureDiarist, SharkDiaries, SharkYGO, whatever the ever-loving FUCK this dude goes by nowadays. Skylar is his name. And having a friend like him? Who needs enemies?

I had written about him once before on a past blog. Through some… Shenanigans, shall we say, that post had been lost to time. Not even trying to access the post through the waybackmachine yields feasible results. But like the scars in my memory, I hadn't forgotten to keep a backup. Do I have horrible coping mechanisms for my anxiety and trauma? Probably. But I don't want to be quiet about this. Not anymore. For how much Skylar and his current boyfriend may want to "leave things behind", it's not so easy for me nor any of the others who have been hurt. For as long as this keeps haunting me, I'll haunt back.

Every now and again I find myself relapsing, after going so long just living like a half-normal functioning adult, my mental health takes a nose dive. Everything's going nice and dandy, but then suddenly, it hits me. And whenever thinking about Skylar is at the forefront of my stress, I can't help but wonder how lucky and how stupid I must be. When I am reminded of him, I just spiral into a smoldering rage. It just keeps coming back, no matter how many times I block his accounts, mute things even related to his interests that trigger those memories, the anger just keeps coming back. The pain of having someone I thought was my one and only friend in a hostile cruel world when he was perhaps the worst person I could have possibly had as a friend.

I was just a lonely high-schooler willing to spend time with anyone who would be with me. He took advantage of my naivety and loneliness. I was so blind to his methods of manipulation, as an impressionable, desperate kid who longed for somebody to connect with. And connect we did. Roleplaying, video games, just chatting. It was probably early 2011, maybe earlier. While a bit standoffish and childish at times, Skylar was still someone I considered my closest friend. We roleplayed on chatango, roleplayed on tumblr, chatted over Skype. However, things were a bit… Off. He was clingy, sure. A little too overbearing at times. But what took things too far was how passive aggressive he was. How he, whether he realized it or not, demanded all my attention.

With regards to roleplay, he would occasionally pivot to questions of a sexually charged nature. Being the dumb young teen I was, there were times I fed right into it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, just the thrill of sharing another common interest with my supposed friend. But there were times where he was very guilt-trippy about it. Like I owed him something. Like it wasn't something we just did every now and then for the fun of it, but something he deserved, something I had to provide at his beck and call. And when I didn't give him his way? Or if there were times I was too busy to even respond within a timely manner? He would turn on a dime and berate me in ways most vile. Acting like I was ghosting him intentionally and threatening to harm himself just to get my attention… Or egging me on to enable my suic-dal ideation. He knew I struggled with thoughts of self h-rm and suic-de and ENCOURAGED me to go through with it. I had come so close to pulling through with it, too. He really messed me up. He shattered my trust with just about anyone following that time. I still shudder thinking that I applied to the same college he was attending at the time, and wonder if I would even still be alive if I had gone through with it.

As if it wasn't bad enough, this man, Skylar liked creating sock puppet accounts. By the dozen. Hundreds, maybe. Who knows? He'd put on a persona and pretend it was someone else, but hindsight is 20/20. It's so painfully obvious that he pretends to be other people, it's so obvious that he pretends to stage anonymous hate mail being sent his way, it's so painfully clear that he tries every which way to paint himself out to be the victim, because he can't fathom the idea of having genuine friendships built off of trust rather than lies and deceit. I recall one time, when my tumblr RP phase was hitting hard, he accidentally sent me a message logged into the wrong account.

Skylar flipped out, when this account I wasn't even sure was him, turned out to be him on an alt. He repeatedly insisted I delete the post and speak of it to nobody. Because yeah. I'm sure he'd want to sweep that one under the rug, when that same account he'd use to harass other users in that community circle of roleplay could be tied back to him. He'd also probably like for me to forget about the time he needled and prodded me for some fanfiction between his self insert character and some League of Legends character. Or how often he roleplays. With himself. On different accounts. And I'm sure he'd like for me to forget when he even claimed one of his sock puppet accounts died of cancer. Or how his sock puppet accounts on skype were conveniently not logged in at the same time until I showed him a video tutorial to have multiple Skype clients open at once.

I'd love to log back into my skype account and skim through the chat logs for some real bangers of shitty behavior he's pulled through, or even the chatango logs, but I can only imagine they're lost to time and at some point it's not even worth the agony anymore. I don't even have my laptop from back then on hand anymore.

And now as I look into myself and the person I've grown up to be since those days in my high school years I just can't help but shake the feeling that I am no better than he is, that I'm more like him than I realize, that I'm not a good person either. And I strive every day to be the best me I can be and shake off my horrific attitude. I know I'm no saint, I know I've had my moments of being a downright prick, but I keep having these nagging thoughts that I'm just like him that I deserved him with every selfish bone of my body, that being the puppet under his control was the universe's way of punishing me for being just as vile deep down to my core. And when I think I've taken back control of my life and he has no hold over my feelings anymore it just keeps burning and burning until I turn green in the face from nausea. The pain just isn't going away.

He wants to move on so bad yet he hasn't truly held himself accountable nor shown any real sign of changing.

So Skylar, keep complaining about your past catching up to you. Keep complaining about your bans or account deletions on wherever you crawled into. I'm so sorry you couldn't afford an ounce of human decency to your dear friend. And I'm so sorry I got into drawing art AFTER we were friends. I'm sure you would have loved taking advantage of that just as much as you enjoyed taking advantage of other artists. How you'd love to beg for free art but then in the same breath decry those who get close to artists for free art. I'm quite sorry indeed. He can speak in fruitful platitudes about how he wants to leave the past behind but he can't ever truly change because his behavior shows me he feels no remorse for what he has done, simply that he has no more direct control of those he's victimized. But in a way, he still has a less direct control with how I can't let go of the pain that haunts me. How because of him, I'm less trustful of everyone I call a friend. Because of him, I feel like I have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. Because of him, I feel guilty of wanting to spend time with those I care with. Because of him, I am constantly reminded that I am not as smart as I believed I was.

Trying to add me on discord after I made my first "callout post" and then trying to befriend me when I told him to his face I despised him, that sure was amusing at the time. I'm pretty sure he deleted that account by now. But he sure is a piece of work for thinking I would ever forget what he's done. If I were to ever forgive him, it wouldn't be for his sake, but my own. I'm still hurting from all this, after all. I still struggle at night with believing that I'm not good enough, that I deserve everything wrong going on. But no. He's truly, beyond toxic. An abuser through and through.

All the people I've seen, saying that they too went through some shit because of him, only makes me regret not saying anything in the first place. Especially while everything was fresh in my mind, and not just tear-stained memories of a friendship that could have been. I'm in a much better place now than ever, even if I do struggle sometimes. Skylar once said that he was so tired of my self-pity that he would beat the shit out of me until I smiled. Well, now I can smile without that childish threat looming over my head.

I do not condone encouraging anyone to inflict self h-rm upon themselves. It's beyond despicable. Harassing Skylar is no better than the bullshit he's inflicted upon myself and many others. It would take some kind of miracle for this grown manchild to truly realize how rotten he had been and make a change for the better. Because he never has, and likely never will.

It's up to you to determine if you think I'm a trustworthy narrator. If you're reading this far, you either scrolled all the way to the end to get some tl;dr on this bullshit, or you might be humoring the idea that I have something worthwhile to say. I'm really just venting and rambling in circles about my thoughts in the passing years since burning bridges.

[officialralsei]

Why do you think that you were designed as a child and not an adult? Do you think it was truly necessary to fulfill your purpose? (I won't ask whether you think it fair.)

There's lots of reasons! Umm... I think the most obvious one is that it made the most sense for the game's guide to be a good friend to the heroes, since they both need one! And of course, they'd get along better with someone who seemed similar in age to them... I don't know if you realize this, but teenagers don't like authority figures! They wouldn't listen to me at all if I was a grown-up. Being a peer to them fits much better.

But there's less obvious reasons, too. It's easier for PLAYERs to listen to a guide who is kind, and cute, and helpful. And, um, it's a lot easier to like a cute kid than an adult! Technically, you know, I am a teenager, but I look small and cute and I'll be fluffy... my personality and design are meant to be endearing, right? Even when I act indignant it's cute! Because I look harmless, and I'm easy to ignore instead of fear. Some of you will even want to take care of me because of how cute I am! It's much harder to feel that way about a grumpy adult.

And, um, of course I'm meant to emulate someone you all liked very much. ASRIEL was a child when you last saw him, wasn't he? So if I'm to be similar to him, of course I can't grow up. The closer I am to your perception of him, the easier it will be for you to associate me with positive emotions! That way, maybe you won't be upset or spiteful about the fact that I'm trying to influence you to act certain ways, haha...

Umm. I suppose... being designed as an adult could have certain benefits, haha. Maybe I'd be smarter then, or better at influencing others, or... or better at protecting people. But... it would be harder for people to look at me and see whatever they want to see in me, wouldn't it? It's pathetic for an adult to not have any independent sense of self. For a kid, however... um, that's fine. That's normal, haha. And so I can do what I was designed to do, and bend to your whims when you push, and be whatever makes people like me the most... and it won't put people off as much. That's very important!

[mingos]

@ncfertari asked: hc + celestial dragons

[ send me hc + a word & I’ll write a headcanon based on it ]

(apologies, ziggy. i know you sent me three, but i knew the moment you sent this, it was going to be a huge thing and i was correct. so, separate post it is.)

　okay, so a while ago i talked about child psychology & how child brains process sudden life change and/or trauma in relation to how doflamingo's behavior (at least in the beginning, y'know... before the murder part) really wasn't that out of the ordinary considering what he was conditioned to believe & how he was conditioned to act up until that point.

this is kind of an extension of that... that is to say, this is essentially going to be "abandonment issues: the headcanon".

the celestial dragons were his peers; his community, his family, his homeland. when you're that young, your community and the people you surround yourself with is everything. you don't know anything else yet. yet, even before he returned to mary geoise and the celestials tried to kill himーhe had already been abandoned by them twice.

once was when they were initially kicked out/ordered to leave for good, and the second was overhearing his father's phone call with them where they refused to take the family back even though they were being hunted & abused down on the surface.

once again, you're a childーyou didn't ask for this. you're not the one that wanted to leave, this was your father's mistake not yours. yet, your father is pleading for you to be allowed to come home, to be with your communityーto place where you'll be warm, and protected, and safeーand they're telling you... no, we don't want you.

-

the fact that doflamingo was so confident that he could return to mary geoise so long as he could 'prove himself' by punishing his father is proof enough that he didn't believe this at first. like... of course notーwhat do you mean i can't go home? what do you mean i'm not welcome anymore? that's my home. i have family there.

not just 'family' in the community sense, like... literal blood family; mjosgard donquixote is most likely a cousin or uncle of his (it's hard to tell because st. charlos is supposed to be 25 that he looks like that, but we know he was already an adult ten years ago when he met otohime).

and then, he shows up. and then, they try to kill him. his own family was trying to kill himーthough, whether or not that's ironic considering he killed his own father is besides the point.

and then, when his family probably made it clear that they weren't going to help him, he most likely sought out other people in his community that he knew and felt safe around. school teachers or tutors. schoolmates. friends. and they would have all either iced him out, treated him as lesser, or joined in with the people trying to kill him. so, in summation: all of the people he had known or trusted up until that point in his life had either 'betrayed' him (in his own mind, anyway), or were now trying to kill him.

-

i was talking to a non-op rpc friend about him and was kind of summarizing his backstory in a jokey way where i called his grudge against the celestial dragons petty & spiteful, and it's.... spitefulーbut it's not petty. not at all.

it's the result of deep-seeded abandonment issues and the trauma & embarrassment of having your entire community (the only community you've known up until that point in your life) violently other you & turn against you. try to kill you. treat you lesser. put a bounty on your head.

as an adult, he no longer cares about being a celestial dragon and if they took him back tomorrow he would probably refuseーbut he's never going to forgive them for that. ever.

[greatwyrmgold]

On an unspecified date in 2024, I will turn/have turned 30. (Depending on when this falls off my queue.) A new decade for me.

I know it's foolish to compare my Millennial accomplishments to those of my Gen X parents, but I can't help myself. At age 30, my parents had two children in elementary school, a house in their hometown, my dad had started working at the company where he's now a manager, and while my mom's career was slowed by the aforementioned children, she was taking strides in the right direction.

Me? I spent several years failing to find work that actually uses my first degree. I submitted hundreds of applications and got a handful of interviews. One pandemic later and I've got a new degree; hopefully this works out. Maybe I'll finally be able to start adulting. If I get a job with a decent salary, I might even be able to afford a studio apartment in town.

Hell, even comparing myself to some of my peers makes me feel behind. The girl who lived across the street when my parents were 30 now has two kids of her own, a successful career, and ran for mayor last year. (She lost, but it was a pretty close race.) Or look at my little brother, who's been working at the sort of job he initially went to college for for years. And he's not living in a relative's spare bedroom.

Intellectually, I know the path I tried to walk—go to college, get a mediocre job, work your way to a good job, white picket fence, etc—was precarious enough for past generations and practically vanished by the time elder millennials came along, let alone 90's babies like me. But somewhere deep inside me, I feel like I should have been able to do that, or at least started my full adult life before 30. I've been a legal adult for more than a decade, but I'm still not an independent adult.

And it makes me conscious of all the little privileges I have. If I didn't have a loving, supportive, sufficiently affluent family, I would be SOL. But I do! I've got parents who were willing to let me stay in my old room for several years, grandparents who let me move in when my parents kicked me out and helped guide me to a new career path, enough of a safety net to spend most of my savings plus some student debt on more years in college. I had enough support from my family to accumulate significant savings when I had shitty or no jobs.

And look what I did with that support.

This post wasn't supposed to be this morose. And I'm not looking for pity or anything. I just wanted to vent.

[captainmullin]

HAPPY TWO YEARS WTF

hey. so. hi. it's been two years since I officially gave rackam a perpetuity ring in gbf and since I'm Very Normal about him, I'm celebrating!

Enjoy this fic, featuring two of my friends' granblue OCs and a whole lotta fluff <3 (ignore the fact that our anniversary was the 24th and I’m posting this on the 25th)

It wasn't supposed to go like this, Mullin mused to themself, watching their husband walk around the room. No, not really. We weren't destined for anything, yet…

They lock eyes with Rackam, who, from across the room, throws them a reassuring smile and a wink. Since it was their anniversary, Rackam had deigned to wear a nicer suit - that is, something nicer than what he would usually wear. Mullin hadn’t expected it, so it was a, uh… - the captain tried not to stare at the muscles in his back - it was a nice surprise, to say the least. Mullin couldn’t help but smile back at Rackam.

…Yet we ended up here, didn't we? The captain finishes their thoughts, taking a drink from the cocktail that was in their hands. Ladiva's bar - Raduga - was always busy on an evening, but this was special. Mullin continued to watch the crew members as they flitted about, memories resurfacing.

Six months ago…

Mullin walked about the woods on the island of Zinkenstill, their home, and current lodgings for the night. The Grandcypher crew was between missions - both a welcome blessing… and a curse. Mullin was currently lost in their thoughts on their upcoming anniversary, with absolutely nothing in mind.

The captain, usually so stoic, was lost. Their anniversary with Rackam was quickly approaching, and they wanted to do something nice for him. Mullin had been lost in thought for a while now, wandering aimlessly around the forest to try and clear their head.

"Boo!"

“What the-“ Mullin nearly jumped out of their skin, quickly drawing their sword from its hilt. A figure had popped out of the bushes just ahead of Mullin - ah. It was Devi. They resheathed their sword, peering down at the small primal beast. Devi’s hair was long, tangled with the fall leaves from the bushes. Mullin sighed and began picking a few pieces out of her hair.

“Hey, Devi. What’re you doing here?”

Devi, who was pouting at Mullin messing with her hair, brightened up: “I’m here to help you!”

“Help me?” Mullin said, a little skeptical.

“Yep! You’re stressed about things again, aren’t ya?” Devi replied, shaking her head free from Mullin’s careful fingers. “I can tell. You were up all night last night, and didn’t even nag Gran and Djeeta about their bedtimes.”

Mullin huffed and crossed their arms. “They’re adults, they can take care of themselves. Besides, you know I have insomnia. It’s not like I’d be getting any sleep if I wasn’t stressed.”

“Yeah, I guess…” There was a mischievous twinkle in Devi’s eyes. “Buuut, if you weren’t stressed, you definitely wouldn’t have turned down Rackam’s request last night.”

“Okaaay, that’s enough out of you!” Mullin said, their ears turning pink. “Our anniversary is coming up, that’s all.”

Devi laughed and the two continued along their walk, discussing ideas for the upcoming event. Mullin did, however, get sleep that night.

One year ago…

“‘Congrats, Mew.” Azazel said, placing a gift into Mullin’s hands. “Surprised it’s been a year already.”

Mullin looked up at the Draph - something that they were used to, after all this time - and smiled.

“Thanks, Zazzy.”

“When will you drop that nickname…?” Azazel grumbled a little to himself, but Mullin was busying themself with opening the present. It was a ring, a golden band with an etching on the inside. Mullin peered at it closer, and nearly dropped it.

“Azazel! What is this?”

“…’s yours. It was given to me by my father and… you can give it to Rackam.”

“Azazel, I can’t— this is too much,” Mullin said, cradling the ring in their palm. “Besides, why would I give it to Rackam?”

“Aren’t ya getting married?” Azazel said, effortlessly, like it wasn’t a huge decision for him.

Mullin nearly dropped the ring again, as if it was too hot to the touch: “Azazel!”

“Quit yellin’ my name, Mew…” The older captain grumbled again, but patted Mullin’s head. “You know when it’ll be a good time. Promise.”

Two years ago…

It was a night really like any other. The cool autumn breeze blew across the deck of the Grandcypher once more, a signal of the turning seasons. Mullin leaned across the railing of the airship, inhaling a deep breath, trying to calm their nerves. It had been a little over a year since they began their relationship, but it didn’t mean their nerves were calmed.

They turned the ring box over and over in their hands, a nervous tick that had recently developed. Mullin could practically hear Djeeta’s words in their head now, like “If you don’t do it now, it’ll never happen!” and “You’ll be more surprised than you think,” whatever that meant. They straightened out their suit, in an attempt to look more nonchalant, when they heard approaching footsteps.

“Woah, is tonight my lucky night or somethin’?” Rackam said, sneaking an arm around Mullin’s waist. The captain slid the ring box into their pocket, hoping he hadn’t noticed. Mullin shook their head, a shy smile creeping onto their face.

“Mm, it depends. Do you like the outfit?” Mullin turned to fully look at Rackam, but they couldn’t finish any of their thoughts - Rackam was also wearing a suit, one that was a deep blue color. It nearly took their breath away, but Mullin held their composure.

They were face to face now, noses practically touching. Rackam’s hand was still on Mullin’s waist; it squeezed ever-so-slightly. Despite being together for so long, everything always felt new. Mullin could feel their hands shake from their nerves.

“I certainly do feel a way about the outfit, if that’s what you’re meanin’.” Rackam said, a teasing tone to his voice. Mullin laughed, moving their hand to his chest.

“And I feel a way about your suit, if that makes you feel any better. What’s the reason for dressing up?”

There was then a distinct shift in the air as Mullin asked the question. Rackam seemed to stiffen; Mullin’s hands shook a bit harder.

“A-Ah, well…”

“It’s okay, really,” Mullin continued, trying to dissipate the tension, “There doesn’t have to be a reason, right? Just a night where we… we both dress up nice and…”

The captain trailed off, distinctly aware of everything around them. Oh, oh no. Did I mess up? Does he know? He’s not saying anything… maybe I should just ask? But what if he says no?

“…And here I was, thinkin’ I could sweep you off your feet for once.” Rackam said, quietly. “But it seems like we were both thinking the same thing, weren’t we?”

…So we’re just both in love. Mullin thought, visibly relaxing: “You figured it out?”

“Well…” Rackam began.

“Wait- no! Let me.” Mullin interjected, taking a step back. “Rackam…”

“Yes, captain?”

There it was. That reverent devotion in his voice that, for the longest time, Mullin could never place. Now they could; it felt like coming home. It felt like belonging somewhere, to someone. They slowly got down on one knee, hands still trembling:

“Will you marry me?”

Rackam smiled, then proceeded to also get on one knee, like something out of a play they had watched years ago: “Only if you marry me.”

The captain smiled at the helmsman. They didn’t have to reply; the other knew the answer.

Yes. A thousand times, yes. I’ll stay by your side.

Present Day…

"Now what's got you all zoned out, captain?" The nickname of many years brings Mullin back from their thoughts. Rackam, who had spotted Mullin at the bar, had walked over at some point without them noticing.

"Oh, helmsman," Mullin replies in kind, the familiar word falling from their mouth, "I was just thinking about… us."

"Us?" Rackam quirks a brow, a small smile playing on his lips. Mullin tries not to stare.

"Mhm. How many years has it been now…?"

"Oh, don't give me that. You made all that fuss to give me something nice for our two year anniversary and now you're tellin' me you don't remember?" Rackam says, leaning in closer to occupy Mullin's space. They laugh and take another sip from their long-abandoned cocktail.

It was Rackam's turn to try and not stare as the liquid slipped past their lips. He clears his throat and glances away.

"I'm only teasing, of course. I remember. I remember asking you as if it was only yesterday." Mullin finally replies, holding their hand (and wedding ring) up to the dim light.

"It really should've been the other way around, shouldn't it?" Rackam is leaning against the bar counter now, facing the slowly disappearing crowd.

"Mm, what difference does it make? We're happy and not…" Mullin trails off, suddenly a little embarrassed. "Well. We're not avoiding anything anymore."

"'Avoiding anything', huh…" Rackam muses, stealing another glance over at Mullin. He had been watching them the entire night, unsure of how to approach the idea of… well, making their party a bit more private. Mullin's outfit left little to his imagination, and he was damned if he would not take advantage.

Brushing away that thought, Rackam continued to look over at Mullin. Their hair was tied into a neat bun, a few stray lavender strands rebelling against the hairpins. The helmsman, now not shy in his affections, reached over and tucked it behind their ears.

As he did so, he watched as Mullin's ears turned slightly pink whenever he touched them. You would think they would be used to it by now, Rackam thought, relishing in the idea that the captain - his captain - still got flustered around him. Gods, they're adorable.

"Rackam…?" Mullin's voice broke his thoughts. Rackam had unknowingly left his hand along their ear, his fingers tracing the shape.

"Ah- sorry." He pulled his hand away, but not missing the red flush that had spilled onto Mullin's cheeks and nose.

"It's quite alright." They replied, finishing their drink. There were now lipstick marks on the glass. "It looks like the party is dwindling. Shall we go?"

Mullin stood up, their heels clicking against the floor. Their dress shifted as they did so, one of the shoulder straps beginning to slide down. Rackam nodded, moving to stand next to them - for extra measure, he placed his hand on the small of their back.

"I'd be honored, Captain." He said, his voice low.

Mullin laughed quietly at his formality, and the two ascended to the deck of the Grandcypher. Perhaps there was more in store for the rest of the night.

[talesofedo]

Because he obviously lives in my head rent-free this year, here is a compilation of Okada Izo headcanons I've come up with, mostly while I was supposed to be doing other things (like work).

Just to clarify, these are about the historical Okada Izo, and not based on novel, manga, movie, or TV series canon, although all of those are great interpretations of the historical person in their own way. My headcanons are not historical fact and shouldn't be taken as such, although I suppose there is always a chance some could be accurate.

If you're interested in the actual Okada Izo, I've previously made a "today I learned" post about him, which you can find here.

...

+ As a young child (before the age of 10), Izo was best described as kind and helpful at home, in the neighborhood, and at school (once he started attending), but especially with his little brother, Keikichi, who was 6 years younger. However, nobody would have described him as gentle. Even with the best intentions, little Izo occasionally showed all the gentleness of a wild boar.

+ Even when he was a child, Izo's hair was difficult to manage. It was thick and wavy (though not quite as bad as Ryoma's) and always looked a bit messy, even when properly put together using hair oil or wax. There were many periods in Izo's adult life when he wouldn't (or couldn't) spend money on buying hair oil/wax or having his hair done at the bath house.

+ When Izo was 8 years old, his mother started teaching him how to play Go, which she had learned from her father. Like his mother, Izo excelled at the game because he understood the strategy aspect of the game, but also because he remembered past games and worked hard to avoid repeating mistakes. Unfortunately, because so many of his peers thought of him as stupid, he was rarely given a chance to play. Had Takechi Hanpeita ever challenged him to a game of Go, Izo would have easily beaten him. One person who did ask him to play on occasion was Katsu Kaishu. Izo had about a 50/50 chance of winning against him.

+ When Izo's family moved from Iwamura village to Enokuchi village, he was 10 years old [historical fact] and not looking forward to starting at a new school because he understood that his reading and writing wasn't at the same level as other students'. (My theory about Izo's reading and writing can be found in this previous post.) He was worried about getting bullied and, as a result, came across as shy and standoffish at first.

+ Even though he was bullied for his reading and writing by the teacher and at times by his classmates, the other boys still wanted to be his friends: he was a fast runner (for short distances especially), a great climber, and generally good at any physical activity. Izo was the boy you wanted in your group if you were going to catch fish in the river or play generals and definitely if you were going to get into a "sword" (stick) fight with another group.

+ Izo partially made up for his difficulty with reading and writing by having an excellent memory and being able to recall texts that had been read aloud and stories he'd heard. He had a particularly large repertoire of ghost stories to scare his friends and his little brother. He continued to have a very good memory well into adulthood, including for places, dates, and small details. Unfortunately, this meant that when he did confess to his crimes after torture, and gave evidence about his comrades in the Kinnoto, he was able to provide a lot of detailed information.

+ Izo had a small jagged scar on the right side of his chest, about halfway between his clavicle and his nipple, which he got at age 12 trying to free a friend's kite from a tree. He lost his footing about halfway up and fell, hitting several branches along the way, one of which broke off and stabbed through his skin. Although the wound wasn't very serious (the branch was stopped by a rib), his friends ran off in terror. He made fun of them for this later and they didn't live it down for a long time.

+ Izo was afraid of dogs after a pack of feral dogs attacked him outside of town when he was 14 and returning late in the day. Although he didn't get any serious bites, the dogs tore his hakama and scratched his legs. Luckily, a group of farmers who were passing nearby, were able to chase the dogs away.

+ Izo's favorite food was manju. He did not like any foods that had a strong smell, such as chives [historical fact].

+ The fencing hall was the first place outside his own home where Izo was ever praised by an adult, which caused him to work especially hard to feel worthy of getting praise. He enjoyed being acknowledged for being good at something, particularly because he was never praised at school, only admonished by the teacher for being "stupid".

+ After Takechi Hanpeita opened his own dojo in 1855 [historical fact], Izo spent significantly more time there than anywhere else, including his own home. This was partially due to the fact that Takechi-sensei praised him more than anyone else, but also partially due to the fact that Izo was now teaching younger students who looked up to him. He enjoyed being able to give encouragement to others while also getting it himself for his hard work. He also enjoyed being paid a (very) small amount of money for teaching. Izo had more of a sense of belonging and family here than he had experienced anywhere else before.

+ Even though Takechi's dojo was where Izo felt most at home, he had been aware for some time that Takechi-sensei often referred to him as "that idiot" when he was speaking to other people and that even sensei's wife, Tomie, called him Takechi's "stray puppy." However, because he could not help looking at Takechi-sensei through rose-colored glasses and felt indebted to him, Izo came to think of "idiot" as a term of endearment and never complained.

+ Izo's relationship with Takechi Hanpeita was complicated. According to historical descriptions, Takechi was intelligent, well-educated, well-spoken, charismatic, talented at swordsmanship, cultured, taller than average, and handsome. Izo respected him for all of his skill and knowledge, felt indebted to him for being given a chance to travel and further his swordsmanship, and was incredibly infatuated with Takechi (which he kept to himself).

+ Izo often found it difficult to articulate his thoughts and as a teenager became more quiet and introverted if the subject was anything "complicated", such as political discussion, or required individual thought and introspection. On the other hand, he was outgoing and excitable when talking about swordsmanship, telling stories, or recounting experiences he had (such as seeing an important person in town). Much of the time, the latter was unfortunately mistaken as "bragging" and earned him scoldings from adults and generally negative feedback from his peers.

+ Because he had been accused of "bragging" in the past and because he had spent so many years being called stupid by his teachers, Izo generally tried not drawing attention to himself outside the dojo. He found it embarassing when fellow Kinnoto members made fools of themselves with the entertainers at tea houses and would never willingly join in any dancing or singing in public. He also blushed very easily so there was no way to even hide his embarrassment.

+ Izo never thought of his swordsmanship as being out of the ordinary, but he was better than most, not just because of his continuous hard work but also because of his natural speed and talent. The fact that he only received his Menkyo Chuden (middle license) at Shigakukan was an enormous disappointment to him, especially because the master called his swordsmanship vulgar and without dignity in front of everyone. Even so, he continued to work hard at any of the other dojos where he was allowed to train, thanks to Takechi-sensei helping him have those opportunities.

+ Izo often felt abandoned when Takechi-sensei would leave him behind at one sword school or another to finish his training while he (Takechi) moved on to build his contacts with shishi from across the area in his pursuit of Sonno Joi. Although Izo never complained, and on some level understood being able to continue his studies was doing him a favor, he felt hurt anytime sensei left him behind.

+ When Izo felt nervous or anxious, he often chewed his fingernails.

+ Physical appearance: As an adult, Izo was of average height at 165cm (5'5") and of slightly smaller than average build. He was a little shorter than his teacher Takechi Hanpeita, and quite a bit taller than Katsu Kaishu (who was unusually short). He had a darker skin tone and freckles / spots / sun damage from being outside a lot. He was also described as having crooked teeth [historical fact].

+ The very first person Izo ever killed was Inoue Saichiro, whom he strangled with a tenugui. If he hadn't been with a group of three others from the Kinnoto who were there to help, in addition to having been slightly drunk on the sake their group had during dinner, Izo probably would not have gone through with the murder. As it was, once their group had thrown Inoue's body into the river, Izo threw up and then didn't sleep the following three nights.

+ Izo told himself he would never assassinate anyone again, that this murder was an exception to keep Takechi-sensei safe from being prosecuted, but being so indebted to sensei for all the years of being able to travel and learn swordsmanship, he couldn't say no the next time he was asked. He felt that it would have made him ungrateful and disloyal to someone who'd done so much for him.

+ Izo first started drinking a few days after Inoue's murder because one of his comrades suggested it would help him sleep if he had a few cups of sake before going to bed. However, it didn't take long for him to start drinking regularly. This gave him a reputation for really enjoying women and booze (as much of his drinking was done in the entertainment district) and caused many problems with his comrades because he started borrowing money to cover his bills. If Takechi noticed Izo's drinking, he never brought it up.

+ The only person Izo ever hated was Tanaka Shinbei of Satsuma, a fellow hitokiri who had previously killed Shimada Sakon. Shinbei was introduced to Takechi in August 1862 and became Takechi's sworn brother that same month [historical fact]. Izo was jealous that this random person from Satsuma had immediately made a place for himself by Takechi-sensei's side. When Izo found out that Shinbei had been arrested and subsequently killed himself on 11 July 1863 [historical fact], his only reaction was, "Good."

+ Izo had a fairly long (about 3.5 inches) scar going across his left forearm where he was cut during the assassination of Honma Seiichiro. A group of the Kinnoto had cornered Honma, but as an experienced swordsman their would-be victim put up a desperate fight. In the course of this, Izo was pushed back into a building and the tip of his blade caught on the cross-beam of the overhanging roof, allowing Honma to cut him while he was defenseless. The only reason Izo was not more badly injured was that one of his comrades had managed to stab Honma in the side at almost the same instant he brought down his sword - otherwise, Izo might have lost his arm. He later often wondered whether that might have been for the better.

+ Izo left Kyoto and went to Edo in 1863 because Takechi-sensei had left for Tosa once again. Without sensei in Kyoto, Izo's position among the Kinnoto was on shaky ground and he felt unwelcome: people who had harbored negative feelings about him as a person and about his murders on Takechi's orders were no longer afraid to voice their opinions once Takechi was not there to protect him.

+ Izo's time as Katsu Kaishu's bodyguard may have been the happiest part of his adulthood because Katsu-sensei never treated him any differently than his disciples, never talked down to him, and never called him stupid or an idiot. In fact, sensei went out of his way to explain things and include Izo in conversations. It was the first time someone made an effort to do so without expecting anything in return or being patronizing. Izo stopped drinking almost entirely during his time with Katsu Kaishu.

+ If Izo had to choose between fight or flight, he would have always chosen flight if he was alone and fight if he was with someone else, especially someone he was protecting. If he chose to fight, Izo's adrenaline would be so high that he later could not remember any details, and while he would try to play it off and make light of it, it would take a long time to calm himself after. Because the adrenaline rush made Izo overly excited and giggly, something he couldn't control, the behavior was often mistaken as "enjoying killing."

+ Izo left his position as Katsu Kaishu's bodyguard because of a misunderstanding following one such adrenaline rush: after saving sensei's life when the two of them were attacked late at night, Izo was smiling and Katsu admonished him: "You should not enjoy killing people." Having expected praise for a job well done, and being caught entirely off guard, Izo could only offer: "If I hadn't been there, sensei's head would be rolling in the street." When Katsu-sensei did not respond, Izo's mind was left to fill in the blanks. In the end, he somehow convinced himself that he did not deserve good things to happen to him, and that he needed to leave before he caused bad things to happen to Katsu-sensei. He never knew that Katsu Kaishu regretted not having apologized and prevented him from leaving [historical fact].

+ After Izo left Katsu Kaishu, his life spiraled downhill. Unsure what to do next, he returned to Kyoto where he realized he couldn't actually go to Tosa's residence in the city because he was considered a deserter from his domain.

+ Learning that Takechi-sensei had been arrested in Tosa in September 1863 left him even more despondent. The money he still had (some remaining pay from Katsu Kaishu and some money he had borrowed from Takasugi Shinsaku) did not go all that far for lodging and everyday costs and it wasn't long before Izo found himself on the street, worrying not only about his next meal but also his increasing need for alcohol because he had again started drinking heavily. Eventually, he sold the blade of his long sword, the more valuable of the two, to tide himself over. Even so, there were days he only ate by stealing stale food offerings at shrines or graveyards.

+ Around the end of winter (early February 1864), Izo started living in an abandoned home, a former merchant's residence that had been sealed off by the Kyoto magistracy because the family and their two servants had been killed by thieves. At least here he was able to sleep next to a brazier to stay warm, and selling some of the smaller items left behind in the home gave him a little income to cover food and drink. However, he was caught by the magistrate and charged with burglary after neighbors reported someone suspicious had been going in and out through a loose fence board.

+ Izo's time in the Kyoto jail was absolutely miserable. He wasn't beaten during questioning because he readily admitted to living in the abandoned house and selling items found there, but he spent the entire first week experiencing severe alcohol withdrawal.

+ After two weeks in the jail, due to its current back-log of cases, Izo received his punishment for burglary: 100 strikes and being tattooed as a criminal. After another five days, the period required to let the tattoo heal, he was brought to the edge of town to be banished, where a metsuke from Tosa waited for him to take him into custody and return him to Tosa.

+ Back in Tosa, Izo held out against severe torture for nearly 10 months, refusing to give any information about Takechi and the Kinnoto because he still felt indebted to sensei for all the years of support and giving him ability to travel to further his swordsmanship. However, he readily offered information about his own crimes committed in Kyoto, which he claimed were his own doing and not ordered by anyone else.

+ When Izo found out that Takechi had approached his brother and father asking for their help to poison Izo so he wouldn't give up any information, his world crumbled. For the first time in his life, he had to confront the fact that Takechi, to whom he felt so indebted, had only used him and thought nothing more of him than as disposable tool for his own ends. Heartbroken and angry, Izo gave up any information he had about Takechi and the Kinnoto, and then withdrew into himself waiting for his execution day. He wouldn't even make any effort to eat when he was offered food, or respond if anyone spoke to him, but he would occasionally ask to speak or send a letter to Takechi-sensei [historical fact], some part of him still holding out hope that there was some kind of explanation sensei could give him.

[pandaspwnz]

I just got home but on the way this group of young boys (I'm bad at determining ages especially kids but my guess is they were AT MOST 11) sat in the seat next to me, just being rowdy regular kids, really. I didn't think much of it. I noted that the two boys in front of me seemed close and comfortable being physically affectionate with each other and thought hey, that's great, they must be good friends. Especially the kid on the left leaned into the other a lot.

And then a little while later, I wasn't actively listening to what they were saying so I don't know what made them talk about it, but the kid on the right (R) said that it was super gross, in sort of a joking tone, that the kid on the left (L) had sent pictures to him of L cutting his leg with a knife, and apparently it's happened several times. And immediately I'm obviously like yikes, is this kid fucking okay?? and they kinda seemed to joke about it a little, more on R's part though who repeatedly said it was disgusting and gross, and I happened to glance at L's face and he was smiling but honestly his eyes looked really uncomfortable. I imagine that maybe this was supposed to be private. And I was launched back to when I was around that age myself and deeply depressed and the only friend I ever really talked to about how I felt just never seemed to understand or even want to listen to what I said, always brushing me off. Obviously I can't project my years of experiencing that onto this one interaction between these boys that I've never met and will never see again, but it made me worry for the kid.

So I'm sitting across from them on this tram with my arms and legs riddled with scars of my own making and I'm like yeeeeeesh. Is there anything I can do for this kid? I was contemplating how on earth I'd possibly be able to talk to this kid and somehow validate or comfort him, or ask if he was okay, or encourage him to speak to an adult in his life and get someone to talk to, without first of all coming across as a freak, and without accidentally giving his peers ammunition to bully him if some random adult is like hey kid you're unwell get help (because let's face it, kids can be really mean), and obviously I didn't want to scare anybody or be patronizing or overbearing or anything, and I reached the unfortunate conclusion that there was nothing I could do for him. It's not like I as a random stranger on a tram probably 16 years older than him at the very least could pull him aside and ask if he was okay, without raising all sorts of alarms and just. being weird.

But yeah then L started just pointing and sniggering at random strangers outside, indicating things were wrong with their appearance, pretty much exclusively completely normal looking people. None of them looked weird or absurd, dirty, poorly dressed, anything at all. Just giggling and pointing people out, saying they looked weird for whatever made up reason. Obviously then I was like okay maybe this kid kinda sucks, but honestly it just did not seem sincere. He was sniggering constantly, and I do mean constantly. Not like pointing someone out, doing it and then stopping until the next person was worthy of scrutiny, but just non-stop. And now I'm wondering if maybe he was just deeply hurt by what his friend said and not only needed to change the subject, but needed to project all this wrong onto other people, and frankly I'm just even more worried for him now. Obviously making fun of people isn't okay, but the kid is ~11 and clearly struggling with something. You don't just start cutting yourself for the sake of having a fun pastime.

But yeah there was really nothing I could do for him. I just really hope he has somebody who can and will be there for him, and maybe they can help make sure that he won't end up being lost and alone with all that implies.

[beyond-dreams]

HAPPY TWO YEARS!!

this is a day late but!! here’s an anniversary fic to celebrate rackam and I’s two year anniversary <3

It wasn't supposed to go like this, Mullin mused to themself, watching their husband walk around the room. No, not really. We weren't destined for anything, yet…

They lock eyes with Rackam, who, from across the room, throws them a reassuring smile and a wink. Since it was their anniversary, Rackam had deigned to wear a nicer suit - that is, something nicer than what he would usually wear. Mullin hadn’t expected it, so it was a, uh - the captain tried not to stare at the muscles in his back - it was a nice surprise, to say the least. Mullin couldn’t help but smile back at Rackam.

…Yet we ended up here, didn't we? The captain finishes their thoughts, taking a drink from the cocktail that was in their hands. Ladiva's bar - Raduga - was always busy on an evening, but this was special. Mullin continued to watch the crew members as they flitted about, memories resurfacing.

Six months ago…

Mullin walked about the woods on the island of Zinkenstill, their home, and current lodgings for the night. The Grandcypher crew was between missions - both a welcome blessing… and a curse. Mullin was currently lost in their thoughts on their upcoming anniversary, with absolutely nothing in mind.

The captain, usually so stoic, was lost. Their anniversary with Rackam was quickly approaching, and they wanted to do something nice for him. Mullin had been lost in thought for a while now, wandering aimlessly around the forest to try and clear their head.

"Boo!"

“What the-“ Mullin nearly jumped out of their skin, quickly drawing their sword from its hilt. A figure had popped out of the bushes just ahead of Mullin - ah. It was Devi. They resheathed their sword, peering down at the small primal beast. Devi’s hair was long, tangled with the fall leaves from the bushes. Mullin sighed and began picking a few pieces out of her hair.

“Hey, Devi. What’re you doing here?”

Devi, who was pouting at Mullin messing with her hair, brightened up: “I’m here to help you!”

“Help me?” Mullin said, a little skeptical.

“Yep! You’re stressed about things again, aren’t ya?” Devi replied, shaking her head free from Mullin’s careful fingers. “I can tell. You were up all night last night, and didn’t even nag Gran and Djeeta about their bedtimes.”

Mullin huffed and crossed their arms. “They’re adults, they can take care of themselves. Besides, you know I have insomnia. It’s not like I’d be getting any sleep if I wasn’t stressed.”

“Yeah, I guess…” There was a mischievous twinkle in Devi’s eyes. “Buuut, if you weren’t stressed, you definitely wouldn’t have turned down Rackam’s request last night.”

“Okaaay, that’s enough out of you!” Mullin said, their ears turning pink. “Our anniversary is coming up, that’s all.”

Devi laughed and the two continued along their walk, discussing ideas for the upcoming event. Mullin did, however, get sleep that night.

One year ago…

“‘Congrats, Mew.” Azazel said, placing a gift into Mullin’s hands. “Surprised it’s been a year already.”

Mullin looked up at the Draph - something that they were used to, after all this time - and smiled.

“Thanks, Zazzy.”

“When will you drop that nickname…?” Azazel grumbled a little to himself, but Mullin was busying themself with opening the present. It was a ring, a golden band with an etching on the inside. Mullin peered at it closer, and nearly dropped it.

“Azazel! What is this?”

“…’s yours. It was given to me by my father and… you can give it to Rackam.”

“Azazel, I can’t— this is too much,” Mullin said, cradling the ring in their palm. “Besides, why would I give it to Rackam?”

“Aren’t ya getting married?” Azazel said, effortlessly, like it wasn’t a huge decision for him.

Mullin nearly dropped the ring again, as if it was too hot to the touch: “Azazel!”

“Quit yellin’ my name, Mew…” The older captain grumbled again, but patted Mullin’s head. “You know when it’ll be a good time. Promise.”

Two years ago…

It was a night really like any other. The cool autumn breeze blew across the deck of the Grandcypher once more, a signal of the turning seasons. Mullin leaned across the railing of the airship, inhaling a deep breath, trying to calm their nerves. It had been a little over a year since they began their relationship, but it didn’t mean their nerves were calmed.

They turned the ring box over and over in their hands, a nervous tick that had recently developed. Mullin could practically hear Djeeta’s words in their head now, like “If you don’t do it now, it’ll never happen!” and “You’ll be more surprised than you think,” whatever that meant. They straightened out their suit, in an attempt to look more nonchalant, when they heard approaching footsteps.

“Woah, is tonight my lucky night or somethin’?” Rackam said, sneaking an arm around Mullin’s waist. The captain slid the ring box into their pocket, hoping he hadn’t noticed. Mullin shook their head, a shy smile creeping onto their face.

“Mm, it depends. Do you like the outfit?” Mullin turned to fully look at Rackam, but they couldn’t finish any of their thoughts - Rackam was also wearing a suit, one that was a deep blue color. It nearly took their breath away, but Mullin held their composure.

They were face to face now, noses practically touching. Rackam’s hand was still on Mullin’s waist; it squeezed ever-so-slightly. Despite being together for so long, everything always felt new. Mullin could feel their hands shake from their nerves.

“I certainly do feel a way about the outfit, if that’s what you’re meanin’.” Rackam said, a teasing tone to his voice. Mullin laughed, moving their hand to his chest.

“And I feel a way about your suit, if that makes you feel any better. What’s the reason for dressing up?”

There was then a distinct shift in the air as Mullin asked the question. Rackam seemed to stiffen; Mullin’s hands shook a bit harder.

“A-Ah, well…”

“It’s okay, really,” Mullin continued, trying to dissipate the tension, “There doesn’t have to be a reason, right? Just a night where we… we both dress up nice and…”

The captain trailed off, distinctly aware of everything around them. Oh, oh no. Did I mess up? Does he know? He’s not saying anything… maybe I should just ask? But what if he says no?

“…And here I was, thinkin’ I could sweep you off your feet for once.” Rackam said, quietly. “But it seems like we were both thinking the same thing, weren’t we?”

…So we’re just both in love. Mullin thought, visibly relaxing: “You figured it out?”

“Well…” Rackam began.

“Wait- no! Let me.” Mullin interjected, taking a step back. “Rackam…”

“Yes, captain?”

There it was. That reverent devotion in his voice that, for the longest time, Mullin could never place. Now they could; it felt like coming home. It felt like belonging somewhere, to someone. They slowly got down on one knee, hands still trembling:

“Will you marry me?”

Rackam smiled, then proceeded to also get on one knee, like something out of a play they had watched years ago: “Only if you marry me.”

The captain smiled at the helmsman. They didn’t have to reply; the other knew the answer.

Yes. A thousand times, yes. I’ll stay by your side.

Present Day…

"Now what's got you all zoned out, captain?" The nickname of many years brings Mullin back from their thoughts. Rackam, who had spotted Mullin at the bar, had walked over at some point without them noticing.

"Oh, helmsman," Mullin replies in kind, the familiar word falling from their mouth, "I was just thinking about… us."

"Us?" Rackam quirks a brow, a small smile playing on his lips. Mullin tries not to stare.

"Mhm. How many years has it been now…?"

"Oh, don't give me that. You made all that fuss to give me something nice for our two year anniversary and now you're tellin' me you don't remember?" Rackam says, leaning in closer to occupy Mullin's space. They laugh and take another sip from their long-abandoned cocktail.

It was Rackam's turn to try and not stare as the liquid slipped past their lips. He clears his throat and glances away.

"I'm only teasing, of course. I remember. I remember asking you as if it was only yesterday." Mullin finally replies, holding their hand (and wedding ring) up to the dim light.

"It really should've been the other way around, shouldn't it?" Rackam is leaning against the bar counter now, facing the slowly disappearing crowd.

"Mm, what difference does it make? We're happy and not…" Mullin trails off, suddenly a little embarrassed. "Well. We're not avoiding anything anymore."

"'Avoiding anything', huh…" Rackam muses, stealing another glance over at Mullin. He had been watching them the entire night, unsure of how to approach the idea of… well, making their party a bit more private. Mullin's outfit left little to his imagination, and he was damned if he would not take advantage.

Brushing away that thought, Rackam continued to look over at Mullin. Their hair was tied into a neat bun, a few stray lavender strands rebelling against the hairpins. The helmsman, now not shy in his affections, reached over and tucked it behind their ears.

As he did so, he watched as Mullin's ears turned slightly pink whenever he touched them. You would think they would be used to it by now, Rackam thought, relishing in the idea that the captain - his captain - still got flustered around him. Gods, they're adorable.

"Rackam…?" Mullin's voice broke his thoughts. Rackam had unknowingly left his hand along their ear, his fingers tracing the shape.

"Ah- sorry." He pulled his hand away, but not missing the red flush that had spilled onto Mullin's cheeks and nose.

"It's quite alright." They replied, finishing their drink. There were now lipstick marks on the glass. "It looks like the party is dwindling. Shall we go?"

Mullin stood up, their heels clicking against the floor. Their dress shifted as they did so, one of the shoulder straps beginning to slide down. Rackam nodded, moving to stand next to them - for extra measure, he placed his hand on the small of their back.

"I'd be honored, Captain." He said, his voice low.

Mullin laughed quietly at his formality, and the two ascended to the deck of the Grandcypher. Perhaps there was more in store for the rest of the night.

[karlyanalora]

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

Self-diagnosed. My mom suspected since I was quite young that I was autistic. She was afraid I'd use that knowledge as a crutch for disorder influenced behaviors that were hurtful to others. Which was valid.

Little me had zero empathy. You know that parenting trick where you tell two fighting siblings that they are allowed to beat the crap out of each other and their neurotypical empathy is supposed to stop them from doing just that? Yeah, apparently I gave my little sister one heck of a punch. (I do have empathy now, but I'm not sure when or how that happened? Maybe when I realized my actions had an impact on the feelings of others?)

So while I like to think it wouldn't have happened, knowing me, I can see why my mom thought I would take the knowledge that I have autism and use it as an excuse to be a jerk. Unfortunately not knowing I had autism and how that made my experience different meant I was doing a fine job of being a jerk purely on accident. (My poor younger sister. It's not a surprise our relationship only began to mend when I learned about autism.)

When did I first suspect I was autistic? The Temple Grandin movie. You see, I liked hugs from my mom but any touch from my younger sister made my skin crawl. I was very vocal about this (sorry sis). Anyway, I saw the Hug Machine and realized I didn't like my sister's touch because it wasn't as firm as my mom's. (Not like sis could fix that since she wasn't strong enough to make it firm enough.) I was also the family hypochondriac (since learned what I thought was "sick" was just really that I'm hyperaware of my body and what that feels like can change a lot day to day.)

So anyway I came away wanting a hug machine and saying I had autism. My parents panicked and convinced me I was not autistic. (Understandable but not great parenting moment. We've talked about it.)

I was homeschooled for a lot of reasons, one of them being my mom knew I'd be eaten alive by my peers. (Thank you for sparing me that.) But my peers couldn't be avoided and at age 12 in a homeschool group play, I discovered bullying. It was an awful time in my life with lots of complicated factors. My mom and I worked hard with trusted adults to identify what I might be doing that could be bothering these teens so much. Couldn't find anything and my mom realized it was probably my autism. There were other outside factors besides that, but she realized it was a mistake not to tell me.

A lot of my schooling involved my mom giving me non-fiction books to read. So I didn't think anything of it when she gave me one on autism she'd heard about on NPR. She assigned me a lot of books on autism. Really good books about the history of autism, how perception and scientific thought has changed on the matter, and so on. (Wish I could remember the names but I will go find them if asked.) I saw myself in those books and this time my mom nurtured that and together we found resources that would help me navigate the social world with less heartache.

So I knew by age twelve. Sometimes I miss not knowing. I was peacefully oblivious to the fact my peers didn't like me and were ostracizing me (my mom could see it though and it hurt her because she knew how wonderful I am). Now, I see it. And man, it hurts. I've learned to mask to prevent bullying, but I don't know how to stop.

But if I didn't know, I couldn't have learned. I'd still be hurting those I love by accident. Heck, I still do sometimes. Just because they understand I don't mean it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them emotionally. I've been able to learn a lot and develop some very fulfilling relationships. I've been able to help others more.

An important reminder that I am not speaking for the community at large. This is my experience and I'm looking forward to learning more about ones that don't match.