#and yet we still figured shit out because wouldnt you know it human brains are kind of built to do this if they went that route

[ancient-reverie]

realizing we have this system shit figured out on our own without the Internet is always wild.

like imagine coming up with "switching" and "being out" to describe things you think only you experience bc you're in the dark. you have no guide. you don't know this is A Thing.

and then discovering that everything you've been doing is exactly what people who know have been doing.

noticing most systems have a "protector" too

noticing that "mains" exist and can change

noticing everything you figured out in the dark, alone, without the knowledge, still fits the same pattern as everyone who does have that knowledge.

I could never think we're faking. Only that sometimes I might not be who I think I am.

[comradekatara]

The good place is kind of eh in practice but I really like the concept so.... gaang and fire lesbians reactions to a good place scenario?

upon being told they’re in the good place, katara, aang & suki are like, “oh, sweet,” ty lee and zuko are like, “what??? i am???” toph and mai are like, “oops i’m here by mistake,” sokka’s like, “theres. theres a points system. thats bullshit this is bullshit,” and azula’s just like *has a panic attack* 

everyone gets a soulmate!!!!! yay!!!!! katara, meet zuko. sokka, meet toph. mai, meet azula. ty lee, meet suki (this one backfires because they actually do fall in love). oh, and aang, since you’re a monk, you don’t have a soulmate i guess! but you don’t mind that, right? haha no, of course not! aang keeps having to pretend like he’s fine being the only one without a soulmate, and mai’s just like “oh u can have my soulmate if u want” and aang’s like “oh....no.......that’s okay........ but thanks” 

sokka is told that he’s about to meet his soulmate, and he’s like “ok this will be fun” because at this point he’s just decided to go along with it until ashton kutcher jumps out from behind a pot plant or smth. he doesn’t know whether he can trust toph yet, so when she says, “you’ll stand by me no matter what, right?” he’s like “oh of course.” and then she tells him she was sent here by mistake, and she doesn’t know what to do. he’s like, “who forking knows what to do right now this is. this is objectively insane, right????” and she’s like “well, objectively speaking, yes, but it’s also a bit presumptuous of you to assume that an afterlife that measured morality on a points basis didn’t exist just because it sounds silly as fuck when you say it out loud.” and he’s like. “no. we’re definitely being punk’d.” and she’s like “did you just say fork? lmao loser”

ty lee is all “but it doesn’t really make sense that i’m here” and suki’s like “why not? you’re nice and you smell good” and ty lee’s like “but i’m.....super sketchy.......... i’ve committed like......actual felonies???” and suki’s like “ok but who fucking cares tho” and ty lee’s like “ykw GREAT point” and then they kind of just take advantage of the fact that they’re in a magical truman show because that’s the kind of shit you do when you figure out what’s actually going on, duh. michael thinks they hate each other because every time he goes to check in on them they are literally fighting each other??? he’s like oh wait......is this maybe........too far??? but he doesn’t know what to do about that other than maybe recommend some couple’s therapy and they go for laughs and ty lee sobs dramatically and suki wails various bits and pieces of a made up backstory that gets more and more absurd and incongruous every week. 

mai and azula are perfect for each other! they have so much in common! for one thing, they both have no idea what the fuck they’re doing here. for another, they do not trust the other as far as they can throw them, and so they are both suffering silently and alone as they try to piece together why they’re here. they live right next door to toph and sokka, so they’re always running into each other, until eventually they are thrown into enough weirdly coincidental situations together that they just become friends. mai actually thinks toph is pretty cool. they kind of just get each other, yknow? what if there was, like, a mixup and.... *gasp* and then azula gets beaten in pai sho once and that’s all it takes for her to become obsessed with sokka and convinced that they are the real soulmates. sokka didn’t account for this happening because he assumed that pai sho is a meaningless game and nothing would happen if he won. he kicks himself for this later. 

mai and azula both agree to tell toph and sokka that there’s been a mistake, and they try to inform them of this theory as directly as possible. toph and sokka are like “what are you talking about?? the system would never do such a thing??? the system doesnt make mistakes!!!” and they even threaten to tell michael about this before mai and azula are like “ok ok !!! maybe we were wrong. just an idea” and sokka’s like “ok well maybe we shouldn’t be questioning this perfect world, how’s that for an idea. oh and im in love with toph” and mai and azula leave deeply heartbroken. sokka and toph are like “whew that was close” because there is no fucking way they are splitting up after they’ve spent who knows how long perfectly camouflaging under surveillance and pretending to be having sex while actually doing very long and complicated math and reading through everything every moral philosopher ever wrote up until the day they died and throwing out more and more implausible theories just for sokka to have to pretend to be attracted to azula. toph’s like “i kinda like mai tho” and sokka’s like “yeah mai’s chill” 

at first, zuko and katara get along great! they love doing dumb shit together that no one else they knew on earth ever found fun. they have such deep, profound conversations all the time. they’re always cuddling while watching movies and they’re like yeah we real cute. for the first time in both their lives they’re like, wow!! maybe soulmates are real!! all their friends are like “awww you two are so perfect together. and you always have your hands all over each other. you guys must be forkin like crazy” and they’re like “haha! ..........yep!” it’s only just occurred to them that it’s been six months and they still haven’t even kissed. and katara’s like “okay clearly we just....forgot! and we should just do that now, because we’re in ....love? unless..... you don’t want to....” and zuko’s like “HAHA WHAT WHY WOULDNT I WANT TO” the next morning they both are like “well that was great!” and are terrified to tell the other that they currently feel dead inside. after that, they stop having deep conversations. they stop cuddling on the couch. mainly, they just lie to each other so often that the smallest thing will leave them boiling over in a ginormous fight. and when they fight, the entire city knows it, because they are so. goddamn. loud. but then when people ask them how they’re doing katara’s just like “oh we couldnt be more in love :) .....why do you ask?” 

after aang’s house gets destroyed in a fire zuko may or may not have started, he feels so guilty he lets aang move into their gaudy mansion with a billion spare bedrooms. aang promises he’ll only be there until they’re done with renovations to his old home, but none of them bother to question why they need to be doing renovations in the good place anyway. zuko is constantly doubting his place in this world, and whether he even is katara’s soulmate. the people around him keep telling him he’s a good person, but then something horrible will happen that he’s certain was his fault, and he’s like “aah im a fraud!” plus, aang seems to understand katara so much better, and they have a really strong bond... if he can be here, he doesn’t understand why aang and katara can’t be true soulmates. and aang agrees. 

azula’s breakdowns get worse and worse each time, and she feels so alone. she knows that mai doesn’t love her. she knows that sokka doesn’t love her. her mom didn’t even love her! of course she wouldn’t get a soulmate –– what a childish, naive, foolish, idiotic notion!!!! so she decides to do the right thing, and confess: she was put here by mistake. she is the problem with the neighborhood. she’s not supposed to be here. sokka’s like “okay well fork. why did i ever ever beat her in pai sho” (and he’s right to think that, frankly.) there are proceedings in which azula must admit to michael that she was never a human rights lawyer, but she was an attorney. mainly she got people prosecuted for drug possession. it’s a living! ha ha...! they go through a whole bunch of bullshirt, but it all comes to a head when they’re fighting over who should take azula and zuko’s places (he confesses too, obvs) when it occurs to zuko that they can’t go to the bad place. because they’re already in the bad place. 

sokka’s like “whaaaaaaat???? no...........thats ... thats impossible! why would you..............say that.................. you........forking...................idiot...............” (so much work. so much work wasted. fuck this dude. if he weren’t already dead sokka would kill him.) but michael’s already like “wow someone finally figured it out. i thought you’d never get it.” and then goes on to explain his great master plan that was actually a lot less complex than sokka’s current working theory. he leaves the room to talk to sean, and sokka’s like “okay show of hands who knew” so turns out ty lee and suki knew as well. good to know. with double the people with brains, maybe they can devise a plan to escape. and leave the rest to die or whatever. mainly zuko though. especially zuko. sokka writes down a note to find toph, ty lee, suki, and mai in the next reboot and under it, the sentence: “stay calm; you’re in the bad place.” 

and then nbc cancels it because they have the foresight to know that the concept won’t sustain itself :) 

[01010010-posts]

— stuck/stick with me.

requests: I've got a great idea!! (Or so it seems rn) the Android Bois walking in on their s/o changing. How would they react? Bonus points if their s/o is more flustered than they are because they're stuck in a piece of clothing that isn't easy to take off 😈

could i possibly request a headcanon for the rk's where their s/o is getting dressed/undressed and suddenly their fav song comes on the radio/from the tv and they just start making these small dance moves while they forget what they were doing. like they just have half their clothes off and the bois come in. how would they react?? me? not exactly following requests? no, na-ah, not me.

Connor:

• “you’re sleepy?” he asks, tenderly caressing your hair, a soft smile on his lips while looking at your half closed lids • “mh-mh” you weakly murmur, almost dozing • “c’mon then, let’s go to bed” he turns off the tv and mechanically touches his knees, as if requiring them to help him get up, as if they could ever get stiff • he chuckles seeing your drowsy expression and can do nothing but being overwhelmed by an incredible sweetness, realizing how lucky he is to have you • he gets closer, leaving a peck on your forehead as he lifts you up with his arms around your figure, yes, he’s definitely spoiling you • your mind is partly awake partly in the land of dreams at this point • but you still manage to slurs out some words, head resting against his shoulder “how did that commercial go? tuttururuttu” you feebly sing • “you really need to get some shut-eye soon” and his chest rumbles with laughter, because, honestly, he was not expecting that • ‘you’re especially pretty when exhausted’ he’d like to confess you • he props you on the bed and hands you the pajamas • you do your best to not give in, ‘im not tired’ echoes in your brain as you put on clothes at a sloth speed • he’s this close to burst out snickering as he’s watching your cute ass self battle with a t-shirt • you’re so damn lovely he can’t • and out of the blue you continue your song, softly moving your legs as you’re putting on a pair of pants • he probably dies at that point • he, already in sleepwear, sits near your side, swiftly assisting you into changing since you’ve just got your right foot in the left leg of the trousers • and he goes along with you, his voice software imitating the music’s tempo • “you’re good at this” you murmur, tone doughy from the impending fatigue • “am I?” he whispers, giving you yet another kiss on the face, tucking you in “could say the same about you” • “am I?” you copy him, eyes already betraying your desire to let this conversation last longer • “yes, you are” he nods and smiles, knowing you probably didn’t even hear him, too busy drifting off “goodnight, love” 

RK900:

• you got off earlier • and you know this sap is going to take his time working serious stuff • so what’s best than changing into something cozy and eat unhealthy when he’s not here to scold you? • nothing trust me • yeah he MIGHT be the latest model in the whole state and a detective • but that bitch won’t ever know where you keep your secret junk food stash • actually he does know, he’s just playing along • you grab a few chips to placate your hunger, wipe your hands onto a towel and slide off towards the bedroom • nothing special happened today, in fact nothing special happened all week, but, to tell the truth, you feel.... happy? yes, you feel weirdly happy. serene, perhaps. you’ve got food on your table, a house, a partner. there’s no reason to have negative emotions if you think about it. • so it’s inevitable for you to start singing a little tune in the middle of searching for your sweatpants • what you don’t know is that this stupid little shit is home as well • but yep, of course, he’s silent as hell • you told him MULTIPLE times to put on a cowbell or something he has no right to scare you like THAT • he sighs as he sees your coat placed on the couch and not on the hall tree • OKAY fine he’ll put it there for you • as he’s doing that he hears you humming to yourself and gosh he melts on the spot • a dumb smile appears on his lips without him even realizing • he’s drawn to the bedroom and to you, bouncing your head left and right while you’re changing your shirt • he wants to give you a little surprise so he slowly starts to kiss your neck from behind • WHAT THE FUCK you’re obviously startled and your heart jump in your throat • he’s quick to repeat sorry over and over, fidgeting with his own hands because no, you were so cute, he didn’t want you to stop he’s such a clumsy dork he’s so so sorry • you brush it off, it’s nothing really, you just need to– • to– • “baby” • “mh?” • “im kinda– you know.... stuck.” • “what” • “my shirt. stuck. my arms are starting to hurt.” • “I take back my apology you broke the magic” • “COME ON I LOVE YOU” 

RK800-60:

• he insisted on taking you out on a date • which is hella cute if you ask • but he said it was going to be something special, something for your anniversary • ugh, this means you should dress up nicely, he’ll do the same after all • he’s such a dork you could take a hour on deciding your outfit and he wouldnt mind • you’re kinda there, juggling between clothes, and suddenly you hear him turning the radio on • gosh if he loves that tiny thingy • and gosh if he loves putting your favourite music • you unconsciously smile because gosh he is your dork • “babe! I’m ready, what about you?” he inquires from the living room • you can already picture him: seated on the couch with his usual weird position – the one he does only when he’s waiting for you – leg stiff, back properly straight, not touching the sofa and leaving few inches of space between, hands on his knees, tension in every fibre of his wires, fingers probably tapping out of impatience because as he told you one time ‘we spend too little time together! humans sleep and work so much!’ • “yeah– im almost done– FUCK!” • he listens to your struggle, perhaps about being stuck on some complicated piece of clothing, and giggles, standing up and going to see if you need any help • you surely do • ‘everything’s all right?’ he’d like to announce himself with a bit of a hint of a joke but words die in his mouth and he’s capable of only gulping down inexistent saliva • he watches you, dancing at your own rhythm, changing to look good for him, for him   • “you.... you’re really cute today” • you stop, oh? he was here? you didn’t notice? you laugh, untangling yourself from the mess “just today?” • he melts on the spot, leaning against the doorframe for support, a palm on his heart that’s beating fast • “no, always”

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 5

LAST TIME ON SINGY WINGY

ANGRY GREMLIN BEAT UP GOOD BY SUICIDE MOVE SURVIVE BLUE BIRD YES. BLUE BIRD GO TO HOSPITAL FOR WATER METAPHOR WITH AFTERLIFE GIRLFRIEND. TINY BIRD SAD, BUT THEN NOT GET SAD! JACKIE CHAN TIME AFTER MUCH THINKING. WIFE WORRIED ABOUT THINGS. SOMETHING SOMETHING PUNCH GOOD NOW.

Let us continue.

Miku wakes up to see her wife has run off yet again. This is the part of the Sam Reimi’s Spiderman franchise phase where the Mary Jane (not weed) begins having a rockier relationship with Peter Parker (not slang for penis) due to lack of availability.

It’s contrived.

It’s almost impressive that she left a note and had time to draw a tiny Hibiki saying something in a bubble. Glad to see you have your priorities straight, Hibiki.

“you know she might have had a better time in the local art school that doodle aint half bad”

Hibiki is motherfucking Rocky all up in this.

She’s going to kick some ass and nobody’s getting in the way.

“YOU’RE GONNA EAT LIGHTING AND YOU’RE GONNA CRRRRRAP THUNDER TACHIBANAAAAA”

“THAT’S A DIET I CAN GET BEHIND”

I wasn’t joking when I said she’s not fucking around anymore. Did you think I was joking? I can see how you can get the impression given the first few episodes, but I really can’t emphasize the thoroughness of the ass kicking she is going to be capable of.

“MY FATHERLY ENERGIES ARE WORKING! ADOPTERS ANONYMOUS WAS WRONG AFTER ALL!”

That’s totally not ominous in the slightest.

Meanwhile, in the middle of an unnamed McMansion in the middle of who knows where...

Gratuitously spoken English is heard. To be fair, it’s actually really impressive pronunciation coming from people whose native language are systemically different to ours. Most shows would just settle for “this dude is actually speaking english but everything is said in japanese for better interpretation” but not Symphogear! No siree!

Relic business is afoot.

We have a random blonde lady shooting random Noise from the thing The Gremlin had in her hands.

She’s really trying her best with her accent. She’s also casually shooting Noise because let’s face it, would we not do the same if it were in our hands?

“i do whatever i want with my big stiff rod pal”

Also, she’s a nudist. To also be fair, if you lived in a fuckoff rich McMansion with weapons beyond your comprehension, you likely couldn’t help but walk around naked doing whatever the fuck you want.

The people she’s talking to are the Americans, which we explained before are portrayed strictly in an antagonistic light. They want some relics, and this lady clearly deals them like like some sort of glorified drug dealer.

Suffice it to say, she’s not a very nice person.

Also, the subs don’t match what they’re saying in English in the slightest.

The name of this woman... is Fine (pronounced fi-neh). And she is the main antagonist of this series.

Fucking identical.

And here is the most unpleasant scene in the entire season.

The person we’ve repeatedly alluded to as The Gremlin is called Yukine Chris. She serves Fine in whatever the hell they’re up to right now. In this case, it’s using the Nehushtan armor to run around with Solomon’s Cane to throw Noise around the city.

“shits gonna get real abusive, pal”

Fine is a narcissistic sociopath. She’s manipulated Chris into servitude by believing she is the only one that can pave humanity into salvation.

“i dont like that smile”

Chris thinks Fine can secure her deepest wish. Ironically? It’s world peace.

“yeah! yeah yeah, world peace, yeah, totally. just treat me like jesus and we’re gucci”

Anyway, she proceeds to thoroughly shock Chris.

The lore behind this is that this is helping her resistance with dealing with the physical demands of the Nehushtan armor, as well as deal with the pieces of Nehushtan that may be still inside. Let’s be real, though. Fine’s a sadist, and just likes hurting people willy nilly.

“fuck... that hurt like shit... hey wait... wouldnt some of the electrical arcs hit you and shock you too, given you’re so naked and close to all this...?”

“ya nevermind that food looks real nice and i want a piece of that fuckin turkey”

It’s a real creepy scene, and it cements Fine’s horribleness really well. One of the most pivotal things to take note is that Fine says that people can only communicate with each other universally through pain. Strong, terrible BDSM overtones notwithstanding, this will be a common (though varying in quality) motif of the entire series.

“BITCH YOU THOUGHT WE WAS GUNNA EAT AFTER THAT FUCKIN’ WISECRACK ABOUT GETTING SHOCKED LIKE YOU’RE EVEN FUCKIN’ NIKOLAI TESLA ALL UP IN HERE WE’RE GONNA ELECTRIC SLIDE YOUR ASS TO NEXT WEEK”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK”

“WHERE THE FUUUUUUUCK IS HIBIKI?!”

“i was gonna invite her to the circus with the rest of the class ‘cause i felt bad about how i treated her but i guess she’s not here”

“the only clown im interested in is hibiki, in the carnival tent of my own bedroom”

“isn’t being a part of /fit/ great, hibiki? can you just feel the gains?”

“yeah who needs doting wife based significant others when you have your gym bros, right newly acquired father figure?”

Hibiki, having acquired a new brain cell during her training, asks the million dollar question:

“Why the fuck are we relying on schoolgirls to deal with all this stuff?”

“anime just be that way, hibiki. i’m just the wrong protagonist in the wrong show.”

Japan is super big on keeping the Symphogear a secret because they are strong and the world really, really wants a slice of the Symphogear pie. These people are basically walking super-weapons. Tsubasa literally dropped a sword the size of a skyscraper. It’s like the premise of the series of Iron Man films.

“do i get like a superhero name too or”

Something to wrap your head around. This was released around 2012, and while the setting seems to be slightly more futuristic, the world it was made in at the time had not been through the era of social media/smartphones we have right now. It was on the cusp of doing so, which means the idea of decent (yet vertical) amateur footage of things happening wasn’t something in the mainstream yet. Why do I say this?

Because in Symphogear, the fact that Symphogear exist is the biggest open secret in this unidentified city ever. NDAs are passed like hotcakes to keep people’s mouths shut on seeing monster-fighting singing superheroes. And they sing, too! Symphogears as an entity are the most high-profile fighting agents out there. Bright colors, no masks, constant singing, fighting in broad daylight in populated areas. Everybody knows, but no one says a word.

Which means every politician on the face of Japan hates these idiots, but they’re stuck with them out of sheer necessity.

“i swear to god if you bring up sam reimi’s spiderman one more goddamned time”

“look it’s the truth, all anime comes back to sam reimi’s spiderman. fate zero did it. uhhh, fucking...baccano, probably? now us. face it. its pretty much the bible.”

It’s also pointed out that the very concept of a Symphogear is born from a science that didn’t exist, and it probably contributes to political frustration as well.

“im going to microwave all your sam reimi spiderman dvds. im gonna do it. you try me, motherfucker. i didnt go into acting and get into this position to hear lectures about a decades old film franchise nobody cares about anymore.”

“can we stop fighting about the validity of sam reimi’s spiderman for five seconds and get back to helping me thing of a dope as hell superhero name? now, lemme lay one on you: Mister Fister”

Hibiki asks where Code Ryoko is.

“any answer besides Not Here works”

“oh, she left to talk to the americans, why?”

“huh, shes sorta late, actually”

“WHY A BAD BITCH LIKE ME GOTTA GET STUCK IN TRAFFIC LIKE THIS”

In the mother of all Mom Vans, no less.

MEANWHILE... IN METAPHOR LIMBO...

Tsubasa has reached the sea floor of the water metaphor dimension surrounded by water, which is her feelings, which are very gay. Imagine the Mariana Trench but like, deeper. Way deeper. That’s where Tsubasa is.

Leave it to Kazanari “I am literally a sword” Tsubasa to successfully spin the very act of surviving a suicidal move during combat as a failure. That’s a special kind of self loathing right there.

“the sheer force of my love for big ladies is keeping me alive”

Tsubasa asks about the point of Kanade’s sacrifice. Why’d she do it? Why was she so hungry at the end?

She personally shows up to answer that question, because that’s Kanade for you.

“being badass is cool, but you know whats cooler? caring.”

“sharing the sauce... you... you shared the sauce...”

“thats right, tsubasa. i wanted to protect the sauce, but... ultimately... sharing it was better. it wasn’t my sauce, tsubasa. it was everyone’s...”

“im gonna suck on a ketchup packet in your memory, tsubasa”

Kanade’s spirit pulls her out of the dimension of water metaphors as she is slowly undrowning from her emotions.

Tsubasa, like Kanade, was lost in the sauce. But now, after Kanade’s touching peptalk, Tsubasa is lost no longer.

“will i ever see you again in my dreams, kanade...?”

“where there’s a sauce. i’ll be there.”

“ill eat taco bell every day just to see you again kanade”

“and i dont even like taco bell... im more of a chipotle girl...”

After accepting Taco Bell as her lord and savior, she is immediately pulled out of the metaphor zone.

And wakes the fuck up.

“b..... b..... b............”

“Baja Blast....”

[ghostydoof-blog]

OOCly viewed chatlog you know the drill.

-- technicalGyrations [TG] began pestering eggBoy [EB] at 08:16 --

[08:16] TG: egg BOY

[08:17] EB: egg boy.

[08:18] TG: egg boi

[08:18] EB: that's me.

[08:18] TG: like soulja boy

[08:18] EB: one hundred percent farmland fresh egg boy.

[08:18] TG: but with eggs

[08:19] EB: hot off the truck and into market, soon to be on your breakfast plate at denny's when it's 2am and you're feeling down.

[08:20] EB: we should go to denny's sometime at 2am when we're feeling down.

[08:20] TG: we could go to dennys right now if youre feeling down

[08:21] EB: it's not 2am yet and i've been up since six making myself homemade mac and cheese.

[08:22] TG: okay instead of dennys come to my work and eat mac n cheesy with me and tell me whats going on

[08:24] EB: i can't, legs are broken.

[08:25] EB: my face hurts.

[08:25] TG: JOHN

[08:25] TG: JOHN!!!

[08:25] EB: suddenly my fingers are broken too, my skin is paper and my bones glass.

[08:25] TG: JOHN EGBERT YOURE KILING ME

[08:26] EB: it happens.

[08:26] EB: you are way too excitable for this time of morning, dave.

[08:27] TG: i have to be im at work and i gotta be excitable so i dont fall asleep

[08:27] TG: so i got music playin and im knitting and drinking some tea

[08:27] EB: i'll accept that.

[08:27] TG: you could be energized too if yall came here

[08:27] EB: i've got a pot of coffee on the table next to my bed and i have been playing threshers 2 all morning.

[08:28] EB: i need to get human games so i can stop playing this.

[08:28] EB: i.

[08:28] EB: ugh.

[08:28] TG: are you havin fun with it at least

[08:29] TG: whats wrong dude

[08:29] EB: i do.

[08:29] EB: i guess?

[08:29] EB: it just upsets me.

[08:29] TG: why?

[08:29] EB: actually a lot of things upset me lately apparently.

[08:29] EB: i'm worried about sollux.

[08:30] EB: apparently i had a family that i don't remember.

[08:30] EB: oh and we're from the same earth i accept that ok?

[08:30] EB: apparently your shades are from me.

[08:30] EB: somehow we forgot these things.

[08:30] TG: i need a second to process this

[08:30] TG: okay im starting the process

[08:30] EB: so i mean i haven't been able to talk about any of it and i'm losing my mind over it!

[08:30] TG: who told you this?

[08:31] EB: rose.

[08:31] TG: how do they know??

[08:31] EB: she's the only one that i've met that will just TELL me about myself.

[08:32] EB: she knew a john that she played that god awful game with.

[08:32] EB: her john knew a dave.

[08:32] TG: and her john gave her dave the same pair of shades i have

[08:32] TG: ?

[08:32] EB: they all played that game together.

[08:32] EB: yeah.

[08:33] TG: i have a feeling that we played that game together too

[08:33] EB: how?

[08:34] EB: everyone that has KNOWS they have.

[08:34] EB: how do you forget DYING?

[08:34] EB: or being a god or something?

[08:34] TG: when i talked to sky about some of this he basically said that what my dream was lines up with some stuff that happens in it and if youre from the same place as ME then we would have HAVE to played it together or someting like that

[08:34] TG: i think were remembering it though

[08:34] TG: since meeting each other

[08:35] EB: :/

[08:35] EB: i can barely sleep anymore, my dreams are so weird they wake me up now. i can't remember them but ugh.

[08:35] EB: they leave me in a cold sweat.

[08:36] TG: ive just been having a lot of migraines lately about all of this stuff

[08:36] EB: ugh.

[08:36] EB: yeah.

[08:36] TG: no dreams i can remember besides the one of someone giving me my shades

[08:36] TG: which is now you

[08:37] EB: when rose was telling me about the shades it hurt, and when she was trying to tell me about my family i?

[08:37] EB: i had a family, dave.

[08:37] EB: a dad.

[08:37] EB: you saw me give you your shades?

[08:37] TG: in a dream, yea, but it wasnt you in my dream just some shadowy ass lookin figure

[08:37] TG: a dad

[08:38] TG: is there any way you could find him?

[08:38] EB: he doesn't exist. the actual address on my id also does not exist.

[08:38] EB: the street does, but there isn't that number house on it.

[08:39] EB: i guess he did something shitty with baked goods and that's why i still don't like them though.

[08:39] EB: so maybe it's not that much of a loss.

[08:40] TG: i had the same thing happen to me address wise like they looked it up and theyre like shit my dude you dont exist

[08:40] TG: and that makes sense i guess

[08:40] TG: some shit like that probably stayed latent in your brain and surfaces without your control

[08:40] EB: yeah.

[08:40] EB: it still sucks!

[08:40] EB: i want him back, dave.

[08:41] EB: i'm grown now but i didn't want to be stuck in foster care for two years! i hated it.

[08:41] TG: i want you to find him so he can explain where the hell hes been all these years

[08:42] EB: he's dead.

[08:42] EB: if i remember correctly, it's been mentioned that he died.

[08:42] TG: WHAT

[08:42] TG: what the fuck

[08:42] EB: or disappeared into the game, if we really did play it.

[08:42] TG: thats even worse

[08:42] TG: but if he disappeared into the game like us wouldnt he be back if were back? this is so fucked up dude

[08:43] TG: do you think if you have a dad

[08:43] TG: that i have a dad

[08:43] TG: ?

[08:44] EB: probably! rose mentioned having a mom too i think.

[08:44] EB: or someone else had a mom. or something?

[08:44] EB: i can't tell if i know this stuff or if someone told me anymore.

[08:45] TG: i mean i guess the only thing we can do is ask rose more

[08:45] TG: if she doesnt mind?

[08:45] EB: she says she doesn't but i wouldn't want to push it.

[08:45] EB: she has a key to my apartment so if you want to meet her you could use my place.

[08:45] TG: we could talk to her together

[08:45] TG: just a meeting betwen all yall

[08:46] EB: i don't know dave she's really nervous about people still.

[08:46] EB: sort of a one on one kind of girl.

[08:46] TG: i could sit in the bathroom while we talk so she doesnt have to see me

[08:47] EB: oh my god dave no.

[08:47] EB: then we'd have to be in my bedroom!

[08:47] EB: what am i going to do, text her up and be like hey rose want to hang out in my BED?

[08:47] TG: dude weve hung out in your BED before

[08:48] EB: yeah but we're also more accustomed to that sort of thing.

[08:48] EB: she's been really alone for a long time, i don't think she's quite ready for THAT.

[08:48] TG: you have seen my shirtless bod before so were past that level of friendship

[08:49] TG: okay new plan: i can hide behind the couch while all yall are on the couch and i can talk from there

[08:50] EB: she might kill you if you do that.

[08:50] EB: but it's your ass not mine.

[08:50] EB: also your body is fine dave.

[08:50] TG: okay new plan: you can facetime me and we can talk from there

[08:50] TG: my body is,

[08:52] EB: how about this?

[08:52] EB: i talk to rose and ask if she'll meet you.

[08:52] TG: that also works

[08:53] EB: no deception and you guys can still use my place.

[08:53] EB: and dave.

[08:53] EB: your body is fine.

[08:53] TG: IT IS,

[08:53] EB: it IS, yes.

[08:53] TG: im yellin

[08:53] TG: youre too nice to me

[08:53] EB: i'm telling the fucking truth you goon.

[08:54] TG: youre STILL too nice to me you goon

[08:54] EB: if i wasn't armpit deep in my clinically diagnosed depression i would come kick your ass.

[08:56] TG: i mean i want to come over to kick your ass out of your armpit deep clinical depression but im at work and also armpit deep in my clinical depression

[08:56] EB: well look at us both stuck in this quicksand of sadness.

[09:03] TG: well pull each other out eventually

[09:03] TG: just gotta wallow for a bit til we feel better

[09:03] EB: i was doing ok until the shit hit the fan.

[09:03] EB: is it bad that it bothered me less when i didn't have friends?

[09:04] TG: i mean same but thats cause you have your own ways to deal with things and when friends get involved you feel like you gotta blab to them about everything and it messes up the coping

[09:04] TG: at least thats my theory

[09:05] EB: no.

[09:05] TG: ?

[09:06] EB: it's because i had nothing to worry about. i worked, a came home to my apartment. i ate and slept and watched movies and had nothing to think about but the next day.

[09:06] EB: now?

[09:06] EB: now i'm worried about my troll friends because they might just die for no reason.

[09:07] TG: and thats making you feel worse combined with your own stuff you got on your mind

[09:07] TG: i gotcha

[09:07] EB: i worry about my human friends because some of them are so sad that i just want to hug them and tell them it will be ok.

[09:07] EB: and yet no one wants me to care.

[09:07] EB: so i'm trying to not care.

[09:07] EB: it's hard.

[09:08] TG: hey if it means anything i want you to care about me

[09:08] TG: and i bet all your friends appreciate you caring even if it seems like they dont

[09:08] EB: congrats you're the only one that does!

[09:09] EB: between troll dave shitting on me for being empathetic and me royally fucking it with sollux i'm ?

[09:09] EB: trolls?

[09:09] EB: what are they?

[09:09] EB: why are they?

[09:09] TG: trolls are strange as hell and they have different views on emotions than humans do

[09:09] TG: makes em a bit complicated

[09:10] EB: i noticed.

[09:10] EB: apparently i messed up and started doing some weird quadrant stuff at sollux.

[09:10] EB: but it doesn't matter, he says it doesn't bother him.

[09:10] EB: (spoiler alert: it does.)

[09:10] EB: and i know it does.

[09:11] TG: i mean id be surprised if it DIDNT bother him

[09:11] EB: but if i don't say anything about it and act normal maybe it will be ok.

[09:11] TG: hes probably just making it seem like it doesnt bother him both for you and for himself

[09:11] EB: but i can't bring myself to talk to him because i don't want him to stop being my friend.

[09:12] TG: you should still at least talk to him if hes your friend dude

[09:12] TG: but i also think you should talk about the pale stuff too

[09:13] EB: i tried to.

[09:14] EB: but everyone else seems to want to get their nose so deep into my business there's no room left for me. i appreciate spanky but uh...he's way too nosy for someone i don't know.

[09:15] EB: i also don't get the subtle difference in what changes being his best friend to being his pale...whatever it's called.

[09:16] TG: theres only one way to find out and thats asking him about it

[09:16] TG: but id think it over before you do

[09:16] TG: i dont completely understand troll stuff either even though i live with two of them

[09:16] TG: and dude if you need me to back off just let me know ok

[09:17] EB: well, karkat told me he doesn't want any quadrants right now so i mean i don't want to poke that hornet's nest and bite the dust on it yet.

[09:17] EB: there's also the uh.

[09:17] EB: looming possibility that he's going to die.

[09:18] EB: so that's a thing i'm supposed to probably pretend that it doesn't bother me.

[09:18] TG: um what

[09:18] EB: he's messing with that game, dave!

[09:18] EB: and something is wrong with it! like really wrong!

[09:18] TG: nothing good ever comes from that goddamn hell game

[09:18] EB: it's not like i pour over every single post of his but i see enough to know that something bad is going to happen.

[09:19] TG: you definitely pour over all his posts

[09:19] TG: callout

[09:19] TG: and yea

[09:19] EB: i do not!

[09:19] TG: i have a bad feeling about this

[09:19] EB: he's not even denying it anymore, dave.

[09:21] TG: i think cause he realizes shit is going to hit the goddamn fan

[09:22] EB: i know.

[09:22] EB: i should just let other people do things for him.

[09:23] TG: john

[09:23] TG: why

[09:23] TG: ?

[09:24] EB: because.

[09:25] EB: i don't know anything useful to him. i don't know about the game.

[09:25] EB: i don't know anything about trolls.

[09:25] EB: or their romance.

[09:25] EB: or their society.

[09:25] EB: the more i learn the more worried i get.

[09:25] EB: the more i wish i could just pull him here.

[09:25] EB: give him a hug, tell him it's ok!

[09:25] TG: once he gets into the game he might be able to get here though

[09:26] TG: transportalizers are normally a game thing i think from what ive seen

[09:26] EB: i don't want him to ever go into that goddamn game dave!

[09:26] TG: rossea didnt play and she had to build her own

[09:26] EB: i want him to stop messing with it before it's too late.

[09:26] EB: he's going to die.

[09:26] EB: and i'm going to lose my best friend.

[09:26] EB: i'm...

[09:27] TG: john

[09:27] EB: i'm sorry.

[09:27] TG: i dont think hes going to stop messing with it

[09:27] EB: i know.

[09:27] EB: i know he's not.

[09:27] TG: so you can at least hope that he finds a transportalizer and get the hell out of there

[09:27] EB: i do hope.

[09:28] EB: but we didn't.

[09:28] EB: did we?

[09:28] EB: you died.

[09:28] TG: i

[09:28] EB: and so did our friends.

[09:28] TG: i dont know

[09:29] EB: we didn't survive that game.

[09:29] EB: not the same way other people have.

[09:29] EB: did we?

[09:29] TG: i dont think so

[09:29] TG: ?

[09:30] TG: but i dont know what happened at all

[09:30] EB: well my dream says everyone died.

-- eggBoy [EB] is now an idle chum! --

[09:42] TG: my dream says at least me died so i believe your dream

-- eggBoy [EB] is now an idle chum! --

[09:44] EB: it doesn't make it any better.

[09:45] EB: i have a lot of worries ok?

[09:45] EB: i'm sorry for suddenly dumping them on you but they just keep coming.

[09:47] TG: dude john

[09:47] TG: dont be sorry at all

[09:47] TG: were friends right?

[09:47] TG: thats what friends are for

[09:47] EB: yeah!

[09:47] EB: still.

[09:48] EB: i kind of exploded there.

[09:48] EB: hey dave.

[09:48] TG: what

[09:48] TG: ?

[09:48] EB: denny's date tonight?

[09:48] TG: of course : *

[09:49] EB: good.

[09:49] EB: because i feel like sobbing into a grand slamwich.

[10:09] TG: you can sob into as many grand slamwiches as you want bud

[10:09] EB: i can only maybe handle one.

[10:10] EB: they're kind of gross.

[10:10] TG: perfect to cry into then

[10:10] EB: exactly.

[10:10] EB: you've witnessed me crying, i'm gross.

[10:11] TG: DUDE youve witnessed ME crying

[10:12] EB: then we're even.

[10:30] TG: : *

[10:30] EB: right back at you buddy.

[decodervon]

(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.