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#and you're terrified that you still fucking do.
faraway-archive · 17 hours
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In The Fox's Grasp
Yan!Fox x Immortal GN!Reader
Tw: yandere behavior, smut, mind corruption (being talked about), hints of manipulation
AN; This was made in relation to me making a new character which so happens to be a sly fox, and I made him into a yandere of course. His name is Kaiden, Kai for short.
✧༺♥༻✧
Your boyfriend couldn't help it, he just had to mark you and just take control over your body. It doesn't help that you've accepted to be his forever partner. Forever trap with him until the time ends (which means you and him are forever immortal). Now you're stuck here underneath him as he fucks you senseless. In his mind it seems like both are you are making love to each other, as partners should right? That's how he justifies it in his mind anyways. You would always lose to him and he would always have his way with you. There was nothing that could stop him or prevent him from making you his. No matter the amount of tear, pain or suffering you had to endure from him, he was determined.
His smiles terrify you, it looks so genuine but yet it gives off a controlling vibe. He had tried countless times to charm you and win you over naturally in the human world, but of course that didn't work with you. For whatever reason.
You tried to shake away the thought but it became difficult with his dick in you, phrasing you for taking him so well and making him feel so good. Ashamed at your body betraying you, you covered your face and tried to look away. Although it was hard with him right on top of you as he's just so immerse with your body. You felt so good to him and took him so well, he couldn't help it but keep going even though you are already worn out, while he still has yet to cum.
He chuckles at your attempt to hide yourself from him, even though that wasn't your intentions. It's so cute to see you squirm underneath him and taking his cock in you. He slowly leans to your neck and nibbles at it, making you jump and attempted to push him away. That wasn't going to work and why did you bother trying?
His cock felt so nice inside of you and just took up every inch in your hole. It felt so much better than a toy that's for sure. But you could never get use to his size no matter how many times he has made love to you. You can't get over his muscular hands as he moves them from all over your body, from your neck all the way down to your waist.
He enjoys seeing you go from being disgusted to being in pure lust for him. He loves the control that he has over you, even without his dick. It's so easy for you to submit to him as he knows every spot to make you feel good, like no other man has tried. He loves to hear you scream his name, to either hurry up and stop being slow or to stop being so fast and just hitting the right spots. He enjoys having your legs on his shoulders as he grabs your waist and forcibly fuck you senseless. It's so much for you that your legs began to shake again, you've lost count of how many times he has made you cum and how long it has past. You glance up at him and he makes eye contact with you, giving you a coy smirk as he knows what is about to happen. You shudder at his smirk and could only prepare for the intense pleasure he is going to bring to you.
Soon after that thought he slam right into your hole, tightly grabbing you waist and cums inside of you, meanwhile this isn't your first time cumming. You grab the bedsheets and moan as you arch your back, your legs shake as you slowly come down from the high. Painting heavily again as you try to calm yourself down and felt him slowly lay on top of you. His face in your neck has he takes a deep breath with your scent, he can't help but smile knowing how much control he has. Just a few more times he hopes and you will eventually break, becoming his own little toy to play with for the rest of eternity. Or maybe it would take a long time for you to break, but that doesn't matter to him at all. Because both you and him have the time in the world to do whatever you guys want. He will gladly use it to his advantage.
Sighing he slowly takes his dick out of your hold as you gasp from the sudden coldness. Craving that warm his dick gave you. He stands up and helps you move to the bathroom, to give you aftercare and to sooth any cramps or soreness you may have. He did go a bit harsh this time around compared to other times. That doesn't matter to him though because that means more time for the both of you to be together.
You will be his and he will eventually break your mind. It's only a matter of time before you give into him.
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lizzieisright · 19 hours
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Moon peppers (4)
(1) (2) (3)
Palestine: what can you do
were!Abby x witch!reader
Summary: Abby runs away from her (former) pack and into your forest. You're not happy with your new (woods?)mate.
Tags: fantasy au, sloppy worldbuilding (fuck it we ball), fem!reader, alpha!abby, witch!reader (so not an omega), sentient forest, stubborn idiots in love who annoy each other.
Notes: how do I keep hating the witch after she saved my life asking for a friend
Taglist: @abbysbae @poxismind @sidefanficaccounttohidemyshame @pjmispunk @herdelreydear @lmaoo-spiderman @littletinyladybugs (if you want me to tag/untag you for the whole series dm me please)
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Your morning is.. odd. You expected yourself to forget how to control so much magic, but instead it feels better than the last ten years you spent being weak. You really couldn't live like this: it made you feel vulnerable and helpless, and now that your power is back, you feel like yourself again.
In a way it terrifies you. Because you were a completely different person ten years ago, and now you don't want your old habits back. You don't like seeing your tattoos and runes, especially the ones on your forearms, but you try your best to make peace with it. Your tattoos have almost nothing to do with your power - they're just channels for your magic, a spellbook engraved in your skin. They were faint before yesterday, fading away as your powers grew weaker, but they were still there, and they will not disappear until you die. You have to accept it, and maybe, if you don't make stupid decisions this time, you'll change your heart about them. 
You meditate before breakfast to manage your flow of magic exactly like Caitlyn showed you, even though you expect the wolf to wake up at any moment and trash your still room. But the wolf is asleep - you can feel it through the bond, which is annoying: you don't like having your space disturbed like this. You're sure the wolf won't like it too. You concentrate on the bond between you to see how well the healing is happening and it makes you groan - fat chance it will be finished by the evening, with this pace it will take a whole damn week. The thought of spending more than a day with the wolf makes you depressed.
Abby wakes up. This fact alone shakes her to her core: she is not dead. She is supposed to be dead, what the fuck? More than that, she feels almost okay - she is not supposed to feel mostly okay, she fucking died! She knows this, because no way in hell she hallucinated having her throat ripped out. 
Then Abby opens her eyes, tries to move - and goes into survival mode. She is in a still room and she is restrained. All her paws are chained and she can't move. This is worse than death. Oh god, this is so much worse. 
Abby tugs on her chains with all her power, but they down even bulge. Abby growls and coils and tries again, but she only hits the wall with her back. Abby starts to panic: she can't stay here - the fucking witch bound her! She is in debt to the witch! She needs to leave before you come and order her to do something horrible. 
Abby tries again, but this time the door to the still room opens and Abby sees the creepy glowing eyes of yours. Abby starts to move around even more violently - she doesn't want you anywhere near her. You're one of the rare monsters of this world and she needs to either get away from you or to kill you, but she is not staying here. The moment she is free she will rip you to shreds. 
At least you look scared when you enter the room and you keep the biggest distance possible from her. Abby growls and snarls, clasping her jaws around the air, eager to kill you. 
“It's not what it looks like.” You blurt, your arm in the air as if you want to tell her you came in peace. 
Abby growls louder. 
“Listen, I'll free you if you calm the fuck down and turn into human form so we can talk.”
Abby is so angry she doesn't even consider the possibility of calming down or pretending to calm down. 
“Or I can force you to turn into a human.” You say in a shaky voice, as if you're yourself scared of this possibility. 
This actually makes Abby stop. She doesn't want you near her, so she needs to pick the least of two evils. Abby growls and starts to change, her fur disappears and her bones rearrange. The chains tighten around her human wrists and now she is sitting on your floor, glaring at you, her shirt ripped on her sides and her pants dirty.  
“Thank you. I will explain everything and then I'll free you, okay?” Abby just growls at you again. 
You swallow hard: the wolf is even scarier as a human. The woman is big and strong and her claws are out still, her arms are bulging with muscles, and the way she looks at you doesn't help you calm your nerves. Her shirt is red from blood and it only makes her look scarier. You clear your throat and start speaking.
“Yesterday I found you dead, and the woods wanted me to save you. So I did. Right now you're still in the process of healing and if you go too far away from me, the energy will stop coming and you will die. This is why I brought you here. I also knew you would want to kill me or you'd run away, so I chained you. Now, please make peace with the fact that you're stuck with me for a while and then I will release you. Good? Good.”
Abby growls, humbled. She doesn't want to make peace with it, but you do sound logical. And you're still scared of her, which is a good sign: maybe you won't have the guts to hurt her. 
“Am I blood bound to you?” Abby growls and you look offended and angry, which confuses Abby. And also amuses. 
“Fuck you.” You spit. “Not all witches are like this, you ungrateful beast. The only bound you have is the energy one that heals you. After that you're free to leave and please don't ever see me again. Jerk.”
You flick your fingers for the chains to disappear and stomp out of the still room. You knew this werewolf was an asshole, but holy fuck! 
The wolf stomps after you.
“It would not have happened if you didn't take all the moon peppers!” The woman argues and follows you to the kitchen. You turn around and stare at this ungrateful, entitled shit of a wolf. 
“First of all, as if a bunch of moon peppers would have saved you from getting your throat ripped out!” You snap back and get into her face, angry and stubborn. “Second of all, maybe if you didn't fucking attack me and talked to me instead I would have shared some of them!” You flip your arms around in frustration.
“Because witches are famous for being helpful and kind.” The wolf snarls at you and you can't believe the audacity of her. 
But she is also right. She did have all the reasons to attack you and not trust you. You calm down a bit and take a step back. 
“It's still idiotic to attack a witch. I might've not been so nice.”
“You were shitting your pants in fear.” The wolf deadpans.
“As if I wouldn’t find a way to get my revenge without a direct attack. You're exceptionally stupid.” You huff and the wolf growls. “You took my friend's den, covered it in blood and attacked me. Do you comprehend what I could have done if I wanted to? You know why witches use blood binding? Because it  makes us stronger.” You hiss sadistically into the blonde's face.
For a second there's fear in the wolf's eyes, and some part of you feel satisfied. The other part, though, feels disgusted with you. You take a breath. 
“I'm sorry. You just really pissed me off being so stubborn about your own safety.” You sigh and rub your face. 
The silence falls and you go to the kitchen to cook some breakfast for yourself and for this stupid wolf: after all, you will be stuck together and if someone will be nasty and poison the shared time, it won't be you. 
Abby blinks. She feels lost. She expected you to be some kind of creep or a sadist, even if you were afraid of her; and she knew you could've bound her - that's exactly what she thought happened. But she didn't expect you to actually be nice. Well, relatively nice: you chained her for her own good, then threatened her and now you just apologised to her, and Abby feels like a fool if she continues being mean to you. She really doesn't have any ground to mistreat you except some rumours and her awful, but limited experience. She only met one witch before. 
Well. She can play nice too. 
“I'm Abby.” Abby says grumpily, still not ready to believe you: you just threatened to bind her, for god's sake!
You hum and tell her your name as well while you cut vegetables with aggressive vigour. Abby assumes you're imagining cutting her into pieces. 
It's awkward. It is really, really awkward. You're obviously still frustrated and Abby doesn't burn with desire to talk to you either. Plus she is in your home and she definitely doesn't know where to put herself. She settles for a stool near you. Abby stares at your back and your arms silently, and then she is hit with the realisation. 
“You didn't have tattoos before.” 
You smirk sadly. 
“Yeah, well. Before that I didn't have to revive a whole werewolf.”
“Why did you do it?”
“Ask the forest. They made a deal with me.”
How calculating, Abby thinks. Also: how the fuck do you deal with a forest?
“So you still do deals.” 
“It's different.” You say sharply. “I don't blood bind.”
“I get it.” Abby huffs and backs off: a witch who doesn't like blood binding, might be a goddamn oxymoron. “So for how long am I stuck with you?”
“Three days, probably. Maybe more, depending how fast you'll heal.”
“I heal fast.”
“Don't compare your usual healing with coming back from the dead. Who knows how much of your brain died. That's why you can't be far away from me. You go away, you break the bond, your brain dies. Got it?”
Abby hums. She has never heard of anyone being able to revive someone. She thinks you know some old forbidden magic if you can bring people back, and it just doesn't match with what she sees: a scaredy cat who lives in the woods and has to spend hours fishing to get three fish. Your home is cosy and warm, with a lot of natural light and Abby doesn't understand how you could have saved her life: you’re soft and weak and live in a house suited for some kind old lady, not a witch who could bring people from the dead. How much fucking power a witch would need to even do that?
“How far is too far?” 
“If I stay here and you go beyond my shields, you're dead.”
Abby sighs, annoyed. She doesn't want to stay next to you for three days. She is somewhat grateful for being alive, but it's weird. It's very weird to be in one space with you. 
You place two plates and sit opposite of Abby. Abby looks at her plate and wants to hesitate, to think, but she is so fucking hungry she starts eating right away. 
It's not…bad. Edible. (God she will have to eat like this for three more days?)
You watch the wolf- Abby's face and can't help your smile. Unfortunately you're very familiar with the fact you can't cook - Cait and Vi tried it once and since then you don't host dinners anymore; sometimes Cait sends you back with food - but you didn't expect the wolf to be so sensitive to your food. You eat it just fine after all. 
“It's bad.” You laugh. 
“It is.” Abby agrees. “Did you do it on purpose?”
“What? No. My taste senses are just fucked up by a lot of potions.”
You see how Abby tenses and you sigh: it's strange to have your everyday life being seen as some kind of horror story. There's a lot of rumours about witches that are mostly true, but you don't think of Abby as a mindless, uncivilised beast even though she is a were, so there should be room to believe that some witches are not that bad. 
(You think of your past and feel ashamed: it's not like you were “not that bad” all your life). 
“Don't tell me you've never drunk a potion.” You try to appeal to Abby's own experience, but you know she might have a bad one. “From coughing? Pain killers? Never?”
“Are you saying witches brew them?” Abby smirks like you're ridiculous. 
“Well, yes. We sell them for money, that's how everyone gets them.” 
Abby is silent as she chews your food that you think is quite edible, actually - but she drinks her flower milk with every spoon and you take a wild guess she can't stomach it. 
“Okay, listen. Are you a good cook?”
“Yes, actually. Everyone with enhanced senses makes a good cook.” Abby says with pride and you see her blue eyes sparkle. She also has freckles. Which is kinda cute. 
“Then you can cook whatever you want and not suffer.” You offer. 
Abby frowns at you like she expects some kind of trickery. You sigh again and raise your hands in defeat. You tried. 
“Do you have any meat?”
“...No.”
“And I can't hunt.” Abby explains to you like you're stupid. You roll your eyes. 
“There's fish in the freezer. It should be fine.” 
That's how Abby spends her afternoon: cooking fish. She has to ask you for other ingredients and you send her to your still room, which makes her shiver. It's creepy - just like you are with your eyes and tattoos and potion drinking or whatever - and Abby thinks of people trapped in these still rooms and being experimented on. She is happy she doesn't see any kind of animal parts on your shelves. You're out of the house for the most part: when Abby looks out of the window, she sees you sitting on the ground, absolutely still. Weirdo. 
“At least this weirdo is harmless compared to her kin.” Abby says to herself while she cuts the fish.  
You also saved her life and didn't ask for anything in return - not counting leaving you alone after - and Abby really struggles to keep thinking of you as a monster. You don't seem half-bad. And she should make friends here, now that she doesn't have a pack. The thought of being friends with a witch actually makes Abby laugh out loud.
After lunch, which is spent mostly in silence except for your praise on Abby's cooking, you tell her you'll be in the still room and that she can find something to be busy with. You point at books and yarn. Abby rolls her eyes. 
She has absolutely nothing to do. Her instincts are going crazy as well: your home looks like it needs an alpha. You're not an omega, and you don't need Abby's help, but she feels like she'll go insane if she doesn't fix something. She fights her urges, but after an hour she gives up and sharpens your knives. It makes her feel easier and she can read in peace now. 
You come back in a few hours and sit on the opposite end of your sofa, exhausted. Abby doesn't look at you. 
“Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the village for my check ups. You'll have to come with me.”
Abby frowns. She doesn't want to show her face in the village - what if some of her former packmates are still around and will notice her? 
“Can your deals wait?” You sigh loudly, annoyed: can this wolf be nice for one fucking minute or is Abby trying to establish some kind of hierarchy in your house?
“I am a healer.” You deadpan, tired of dealing with Abby’s shit. “People need me.” 
“It's not safe for me to show up like this.” Abby scrunches her nose.
“I guess it’s connected to the fact that you were dead yesterday.” You say and Abby can only nod. “I can hide you, if you want. There's a spell that will not let people recognise you if they mean harm.”
Abby coils back. She doesn't want any fucking spells to be put on her! But in a second she clears her head and thinks about it: she clearly doesn’t have a choice if she wants to survive. And you offer her help, so maybe it’s not too bad. 
“How can I know you're not fucking with me?” You blink and Abby tries not to look you in the eyes: you look like an owl. And not in a cute way. 
“Can't you smell if I lie? I know weres can smell emotions. Also, the bond we have can make you feel awful if I try to harm you.”
Abby hums, thinking it over.
“Okay. But if you try any funny business, you're dead.”
“You'll be dead too, idiot.” You roll your eyes at Abby and she rolls hers in return. 
The wolf is kinda annoying. You can understand her distrust, but her threats are getting ridiculous. 
The last step of this strange and mostly unpleasant day is getting ready for bed. You look at your small sofa and try to think how Abby will fit, but the other option is the floor, which you assume she won't appreciate. You give her the choice anyway, Abby looks between the sofa and the floor like it's a hard choice, like she thinks the floor is a valid option. Then she agrees to sleep on the sofa. (I'll turn back if I'm uncomfortable, she tells you.) You bring her a pillow and a few blankets: the nights are getting cold and you usually use your magic to keep the hut warm, but you can slip up when you sleep, and wake up to a freezing house. 
“Why don't you use wood like normal people?” 
“It's too much work. I can find a tree that fell, but you need to chop it, bring it here, chop more, store the logs. Nah. Magic is easier.” 
Abby huffs. 
“So you rely on your magic all the time.”
“And you rely on your senses and strength.” You deadpan. 
Abby doesn't say anything in return, having no valid arguments. You sigh and make a circle with your hand, turning all lights off, and then you show Abby where the candle is in case she needs some light for her reading. Abby nods and you wish each other good night. 
You both can’t fall asleep for a long time, too bothered by each other: you don’t like having Abby in your home after she has been so nasty to you for the reason of “the witch”, and Abby doesn’t like being in your home for the reason of, well, “the witch”. She is alive, and she should be happy, but your presence is a constant threat and she can’t let herself fall asleep. You can’t fall asleep because you feel Abby, her life energy like a giant bright light in your living room and it’s hard to ignore it. You try to meditate but it seems to make you even more energised. 
You fall asleep when it’s so dark you can’t see anything beyond your windows. Abby falls asleep five minutes later.
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deconstructthesoup · 3 days
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Some beginning ideas for the chapter 3 Slay the Professor vessels:
Unique to the chapter 2 Professor:
The Modern Prometheus: You get the Modern Prometheus if you remain in the library with the Scientist, and he will respond by tormenting you with visions of death and dying until it's too much for you to bear. When you reawaken in the city, all of your voices have joined you, but your will is entirely broken, and you have no choice but to let the Professor out... and there's nothing you can do to prevent that from happening.
The Surgeon: You get the Surgeon if you run from the Doctor or do a poor job of fighting back, both of which end in you dying anyway. He still has his organ-resetting and organ-breaking powers from when he was the Doctor, but he's much more precise---though, this also comes with him taking his sweet time, giving him a disadvantage if you try to fight him like this.
The Awakened: You get the Awakened if you kill yourself when the Academic takes over you and eliminates the Guide. He is an angel now, towering above you and glowing with heavenly light, as he has now been blessed with all the knowledge in the universe... and, yeah, there's no way to defeat him. He'll appreciate it if you try, though.
The Hoard: You get the Hoard if you're merely killed by the Dragon instead of being devoured by him. While he is still very much capable of speech, he is even bigger and more monstrous, and he's changed his mind---he doesn't want to eat you, but he does want to keep you around as an addition to all the treasures he's amassed. Yeah, he's pretty fucking terrifying.
The Clipped: You get the Clipped if you hand the knife over to the Warlock as a sign of trust, and though he immediately betrays that trust and feels pretty smug about it, you do see a little bit of panic setting in as you fade out. When you find him again, he regrets killing you, and while he claims it's because he knows that he can't escape without you, you can see that he's rethinking his perspective of you. (This is not a romance route---the love story is between you and the Guide---but it is very much a "I think I understand you" route.)
Nothing Up My Sleeve & The Clockwork Man: One of two possible routes that can spring from the Inventor, this is what you get if you go down with the knife. You can keep on fighting against his onslaught of firearms and spinning blades, but it'll always end in the same way---with him eventually shedding his skin and revealing that he's an automaton, with the only thing that's flesh-and-blood being the brain set inside of his metal skull.
Conned And Trapped & The Last Spark: The same as the other Inventor route, except you didn't take the knife, you don't fight back, and it ends with his mechanical body falling apart.
Shared Chapter 3s:
The Judge: You get the Judge if you kill the Wizard or the Archivist, and while they are the same route, they are radically different depending on which Professor you start out with. If it's the Wizard, he will take on the visage of a heartbroken man who degrees that, because you betrayed him, you will be burned at the stake. If it's the Archivist, he will take on the visage of a cold and merciless man who degrees that the only justice you will receive is to be drowned in a well.
The Lich: You get the Lich if you either repeatedly attempt to kill the Creation or successfully kill the Scientist. The Lich has lost all sense of mercy and sympathy and is done with attempting to reason with you, and will puppet your body so you can lead him outside, where he will attempt to end you once and for all. He's pretty much one of the scariest Professors you can get.
The Plague: You get the Plague if you try to fight the Doctor without the knife or keep on fighting until he puts you out of your misery, or if you break free of the Academic's control and kill him. The Plague is hateful and only wants to make you suffer, and will do so by infecting you with a sickness that kills you over and over again, in increasingly agonizing ways.
The Underworld: You get the Underworld if the Dragon devours you and you kill him from the inside out, or if you either kill the Warlock or get trapped in the basement by him. You awaken, not bound to the Professor as one, but in a place where you see nothing but the repeated cycle of death and torment, over and over again. You hear the Professor's voice in your head along with the Guide and your aspects, hissing that this is all because of you, that it is your fault, that everything would be so much better if you were gone. And you can ignore him, and listen to the Guide when he says that this isn't the full story---and if you do that, you get the briefest and barest glimpse of the world beyond the city. But if you listen to him and follow the voice, you will find the Professor chained to a rock, tired and dejected and bitter. It's up to you whether you release him or leave him there.
Also, quick note---when a perspective of the Professor is collected, he cracks and turns into shards, which are then retrieved by a pair of talons. The perspectives are referred to as "shards," and the Professor doesn't consider them parts of his heart, but rather, parts of his mind.
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jeysuso · 1 year
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#no, but the way sami hesitates in saying something before he says “cause i feel bad” is so interesting to me. because he obviously has something else in mind, something else he wants to say to jey then. but when he’s faced with jey in his face like this, almost challenging him with the way he quite literally closes in on sami, when he’s faced with this version of jey who is now on a different side to him, this version of jey who is now technically the enemy, he can’t bring himself to be all the way vulnerable with him. he can’t let his guard down too much with him anymore, because he knows it can be used against him like it already has been in the past. he knows he’s at risk of getting hurt again here, and i don’t mean physically. so he settles on something else. something he knows isn’t enough. something he probably even knows might piss jey off because not only is it a cop-out answer, but it’s essentially admitting pity to someone who he knows is so headstrong and so proud. sami’s response here ultimately means nothing because his body language says everything his words don’t. but sami wasn’t expecting jey to ask him this question so he didn’t have an answer prepared. he didn’t have a plan for this confrontation beyond saying what he needed to say about roman. he didn’t expect jey to ask him why he cared. to push for a response. and he visibly panicked. and i think that, personally, says it all.
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everysongineverykey · 6 months
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genuinely killing undyne in a neutral run and then walking through hotland later and seeing alphys' posts go "just realized i didn't watch undyne fight the human... well i know she's unbeatable i'll ask her about it later v . v" completely unaware of what's happened is one of the most unpleasant and harrowing experiences in undertale and i am not kidding even a little bit
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mishkakagehishka · 3 months
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"We're old moms, we can't wait to stop breastfeeding so we can get [very excited, shrill even] botooooox!!!"
We are never making it out of the patriarchy.
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silenthillbunni · 4 days
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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hussyknee · 7 months
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The OCD urge to convince everyone that you're not a good person really.
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sanguith · 7 months
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I had to look up "causes for carbon monoxide inside home" online because I kept being reminded that CO detectors are common in america for personal home use but I could genuinely not think of a single reason why carbon monoxide could form inside someone's living space unless they had a fireplace on at all times and terrible ventilation, but then I remember how non-electric stoves are so common in america and everyone has cars in a garage that is directly connected to the house or whatever and it made sense
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hella1975 · 2 years
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i hate my town i hate the people in it i hate the shame that consumes us all i hate that every failure might as well be posted in the square because everyone knows everyone i hate that my grandparents are here and i hate that my mother came back for them i hate that the kids are dying and no one cares i hate that every good memory has a bad memory right next door like sam's house around the corner from my childhood home i hate the body they pulled from the river i hate the memory of hearing yellow by coldplay at my cousin's funeral because all i could think was that it was too modern for the situation but then he was only seventeen so it makes sense i hate that i was seventeen too and all the boys i knew were there his friends that were supposed to be the tough guys the scary guys i hate that i pretended not to see them sobbing i hate that everything smells of cigarettes here i hate the politics i hate the people i used to love that dont even smile at me on the street i hate that the girl who called me a slut works at my favourite bar i hate every alley and hidden shortcut and i hate that i know them like the back of my hand i hate the same fucking coffee shops i sat in when i was fourteen and scared and now im nineteen and scared and i hate that it's exactly what this town wants i hate that it wants anger i hate that it wants fear i hate that it wants shame i hate that i can give it everything
#thinking about how the two biggest things in my life rn - writing and my degree - are so punctuated by this fucking town#like my biggest fear with my degree isnt what id think of myself if i dropped out or failed#or even what my family would think bc they're nicer to me than i am#it's genuinely the thought of what my hometown lot would say that keeps me up at night#like the thought of my neighbour who told me id never accomplish anything bc my school was shitter than his fancy one#the thought of having to look him in the eye#or the thought of knowing my friends will tell their mums who are still on the PTA with old teachers who thought i was special#like small towns wrap you in this bubble of smallness and it suffocates you and you're so terrified and ashamed of every little mistake#and then my writing GOD i keep thinking about how tbos is probably the best thing ive ever written#and id publish it id genuinely try and get it published#but im just again so scared and ashamed and embarrassed like how do i explain to these assholes that im writing fantasy#and that's not even counting the gay angle bc that's the biggest part#i just am not brave enough for that yet and yeah maybe it's bc im still young but i shouldnt have to be brave to enjoy things to begin with#failure shouldnt require bravery when it's just a fact of life#and i think about if we'd lived in london like my dad wanted us to or if we'd gone to dublin bc my mum loves dublin#or even if we just hadn't come to this fucking town and we'd lived in ANY FUCKING CITY#my dad jokes about how in london he didn't even know his neighbours names and god i just crave that anonymity so fucking much#it's so frustrating and my mum takes it so personally whenever i say i hate the town and my sister says i'll grow out of it just because#she did but i genuinely dont think i will#and maybe that's the creative in me or the queer in me that she just cant relate to but i have always always hated this place#like a guy i have a VERY complicated history with messaged me the other day and we havent talked in TIME#and it was kinda sweet if not awkward just bc of our aforementioned rocky past but one thing he mentioned when i said i was at uni#was that he said really genuinely 'im so happy to hear that; i know you always wanted to get out of [town name]'#like he still remembers that about me even though weve been friends since we were 12 and i havent spoken to him since i was?? 17??#UGH i just hate it here and it's the fact that i'll never escape it either bc i cant totally abandon ship without also#abandoning my family and i refuse to do that and they refuse to leave so now im just stuck with all these CONNECTIONS#sorry to vent lol#ig this could be a poetry thing? we'll say it is instead of me just having another meltdown LMAO#hella goes home
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every time i think the "staff can do no wrong and any form of complaining or expressing literally anything other than "yaaay love it <3" with no further comments is bashing and literally evil we should never say anything that could even potentially be interpreted as mildly critical ever because ~some artist who worked hard on this is probably reading the forums and might feel bad if we ever express anything but praise~ also we must be constantly positive at all times unless we're passive-aggressively shaming someone for having an extremely polite and apologetically worded criticism and if you ask the staff for literally anything you had better be prepared to preface it with 3 paragraphs of apologizing for breathing air" attitude is bad on tumblr, i take one look at the forums, and holy fucking hell is it SO much worse on site
#i go for years at a time without ever bothering to look at fr forums#and then every time i do i remember why i stopped#it feels like a goddamned cult on there and every time i dip my toes i come out feeling slimy and sick#as if i just spent an hour being aggressively gaslit by my extremely manipulative grandmother#what the fuck is wrong with everyone#i'm glad i decided to keep this creepy fucking fandom at arm's length and mostly just lurk years ago#that place is not a healthy environment for anyone to be in#flight rising#legitimately the single worst fandom i've ever had the misfortune of being adjacent to#and in such a creepy and insidious way too#they'll call you an entitled whiny baby to your face and then convince you it's your fault and you're a horrible person for feeling offende#it feels like being neck deep in the absolute worst kind of preformative sj spaces#you know the ones where everyone interacts primarily via callout posts and there's discourse over if crossdressing is cultural appropriatio#that kind of toxic sj space type energy#but somehow combined with like this weird feeling of being in a mormon church in a deep south town#where all the “nice grandmas” will try to put poison in your food if they find out you're gay or voted blue even one time#and it's somehow gotten SO much worse since the last time i looked on there#they've got people literally apologizing for existing what the fuck how is this normal to any of you people#this is so far beyond toxic positivity it's like. crossbred with passive-aggression and shaming and metastatized into something new entirel#it's terrifying. i hope flight rising never shuts down just so that whatever the fuck this is can stay semi-contained.#pro tip: the more a fandom is universally convinced it's Wonderful and Welcoming the faster you should run the other way#actually good fandoms don't have to constantly reassure themselves and everyone that they're great and perfect and toxicity-free#nor do they react with immediate borderline violence to the slightest suggestion there might be anything wrong with the fandom culture#anything wrong other than “people like you who think there's something wrong with our perfect community” anyway#on that note also any fandom that insistently calls itself a “community” just. yeah. no.#get out while you still can.#fandoms work on corporate logic if they're trying to convince you they're your family or friend that's not just a red flag#that's a whole damn red fabric store
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blue-kyber · 1 month
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I remember what happened.
I'm Caesar on the Ides of March.
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sunrise-on-the-shore · 2 months
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temporarily back with one post. i am not ready to fully come back.
all the stuff you need to know about the future of this blog are in the tags.
#sunrise thoughts#after i thought a lot i made multiple choices#i am still going to post about dsmp#i am still going to post about cwilbur#dsmp has been my biggest special interest ever#and i cannot move on from cwilbur in a day or week#i obviously won't talk about the cc anymore duh and to me the cc and c are extremely disconnected from each other#i will do all my screaming and kicking and nasty emotional stuff in private#i got fucking blasted by the consequences of forming a parasocial relationship!! ouagh!!!!#if you're uncomfortable following me for my dsmp posting you can obviously unfollow me i completely understand<3#i will be tagging everything with my usual tags and you can filter them all you want if you decide to stay for other things! and uh—#i am so proud of shelby for speaking about something so terrifying and painful and i wish them the absolute best#i hope they will find a wonderful support system and get all the help they need and want and recover in a good safe environment.#(now back to blog related things haha!!)#i will try to be more multi fandom#you will still see from me a lot of minecraft smp silliness!!!#uhhh i'm talking qsmp life series and hermitcraft stuff!! (i'm gonna check season 10 very soon!)#as for non related minecraft things uhhh idk yet!!!#(btw don't expect me to reblog posts about the situation because the subject itself is so fucking uncomfortable for me)#(i am myself a victim of abuse [very different type but yeagh] + i am a mess atm for many different reasons)#(remember to always believe victims and such. [you probably heard the whole talk from people who are so much better at words than me#so i won't repeat things in a badly worded way]#anyway#(i am so sorry that this whole thing is messily written and in a bad order i am writing everything at like past 4 am)#(and i really really don't want to go back and rewrite tags in the right order)#(but yeah. erm.)#this is all you will hear from me for a while#take care everyone
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rivereddies · 7 months
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i wonder how people expect me to not feel stupid when theyre constantly telling me all of my opinions are wrong and stupid and i'm too young to know anything
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raiiny-bay · 9 months
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finished s2 of heartstopper & ngl, i kinda didn't like how they handled the ace rep
#no spoilers i just have some thoughts about it & i need to vent them#it just felt like they glossed over the whole thing tbh#like. idk about others obviously but in my experience you don't REALIZE that your feelings as an ace person are any different#than those around you. like you just assume that everyone is exaggerating or using hyperbole or whatever#& when you DO eventually realize that how you feel is not how everyone else feels that's fucking terrifying???????#like you're literally gonna do whatever you can to make everyone else believe you're just like them#also peer pressure is a thing??? like you're gonna feel so much pressure to do what everyone else is doing! especially as a teenager!!!#like idk. maybe it's different now than when i was younger & it has been a while since i was a teenager but like.#being aro/ace is such a unique queer experience. like we're severely underrepresented & face exclusion even in queer spaces#or from other queer people & i feel like that was not addressed at all this season! & the rep just didn't feel all that thoughtful imo#also there was so much fucking kissing. like you have 8 30-min episodes & your gonna spend 1/2 of it on kiss scenes??#where is the plot!!! the PLOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like obviously i'm glad to have the rep since it is so rare & i'm happy that young people will have this character/these words to use#like that is honestly really awesome! & i wish i had that as a teenager!! i just. idk it didn't do it for me#also i do realize i'm not the target demographic for this show but like. idk. i still have thoughts about it#n e way#rainyrambles#dl
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asordidbarwere · 10 months
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gggggggg
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