#anhedonia warrior

[eclectic-ways]

Here I am — once again — spiraling through the vicious circle of patterns. Being stuck in fear, dilemmas and ultimatums. It’s a goddamn controversy. It’s overbearing and unforgiving.

When will it ever end or change for good, you ask yourself. Wondering if you could be any stronger and less emotional, where would you be now? If I haven’t had all the health problems & “traumas”, would I then finally unlock my ultimate potentials and be proud of myself?

I have more “treasures” to make use of with everything I’ve had for sure. All the traumas, experiences and the lemons I’ve gathered still awaiting to become the most authentic lemonades of all times. My ambitions and dreams are still devouring me inside out while I can’t and don’t do anything about them. On the other hand, it’s “a good thing” as someone who is (very slowly) healing from anhedonia yet….

My emotions and thoughts are too dense. Always have been. Ever avoided listening music for a long period of time so that your emotions wouldn’t kick you in the ass, and all that burst of desires, passion, rage and thoughts of avenge in you wouldn’t be resuscitated? Yup. That’s me.

Here is the thing though: At this point, I think —a big part of me does— I’d rather have less treasures and more ease and peace. “This” is all gonna end sooner or later. So let’s be present and suffer in presence, eh? :) kidding, I guess?

To be serious, the glory of presence is comprised of your entire past, future plans & dreams and the current psyche of yours. It’s never been only about presence or being present. It’s never about one thing that matters the most. It’s the combination of a lot of significant notions gathered in oneness.

© Eclectic Ways

I took this selfie and wrote what I did above yesterday | April 28, 2024

[swampgallows]

,

they fucking killed dead my favorite yam guy and like i know i had my period of mourning about it and was very self-conscious for being in my thirties and that invested in a fictional character but the secondary blow of the lawsuit made things even more devastating and there really is just a giant crater of inspiration yawning in my soul now that is almost impossible to scab over. like they are literally never going to make content about him again. there will be crumbs in hearthstone if they dont soft-replace the warrior hero altogether with a more popular alt skin (rokara, varian [!!!], magni, etc.), and maybe in some far-flung return to yrel and the lightforged they might revisit “exarch hellscream”, but that wont be him. it’ll be his au half-brother at best. the character as i know him is dead, double dead, triple dead, permanently dead. defeated in siege, killed in wod, shattered into soul ash in sanctum. 

it would be easier if i had something to move on to, but like everything else in my life i have been fossilized in this same corroded rut for almost a fucking decade, spinning my bald wheels in nothing. in fact i thought i’d moved on from wow back in 2009 but went back to it in 2014 because i was backsliding even then, searching for something to lift me out of the rut. it feels like my entire life ive been a stalagmite in some forgotten fissure, a comedone marring the face of an earth, an aberration. a foreign body that should be removed. i am always between things, never enough or always too much. i was not supposed to make it this far. i am not supposed to be here. but i do not know where i am supposed to go, where i fit, where i’m free, where i belong. im a calcification of runoff, a byproduct, a thing of no inherent meaning beyond being a sedentary deposit from something that serves a purpose. not the moss on the stone but the brittle stone held in pieces by the moss, scaffolding for something more important. i am not even the kind of mineral that appreciates over time, no crusty exterior hiding a geode. even i am taken aback just now, about to describe myself as the buildup of filth at the edges of a tub; perhaps a bit too wallowing to outright say i am soap scum.

because of this, i am not sure how i am meant to move on aside from being wiped away when i am not even a thing that gathers dust but the gathered dust itself. as the years go on so does the layer of dead cells, hair, and bug droppings accumulate, crumpled flies in my eyes and cobwebs ropy with dust. “dust to dust”, but it is already here. it is already me.

i envy people who can hyperfixate on things, or even fall a little bit in love when they find something new. the anhedonia has overpowered me for much of my life. i used to interpret this as me having higher standards, which weaves directly into my stellar reputation for being “judgmental”, but i think said standards are so high because, like adhd, it has been a lifetime struggle to eke even the smallest enjoyment out of anything. so this one thing i had, i tore out the pages of his books and gnawed on the pulp, absorbed it into myself, gripped it with white knuckles and harpy talons and boa’s embrace to satiate me, wringing the tiniest drip of nourishment on my sandpaper tongue, only to now find ashes. a starving stupid husk moldering on a windowsill, baking in a shaft of sunlight in hopes of feeling warmth. burnt brittle dust in a haunted house, waiting to be swept away.

[rachymarie]

Ngl I'm feeling proud of myself because yesterday i came across a post that nearly triggered me into reblogging or commenting and disagreeing with it. But i recognized that OP was a jerk and would just spit vitriolic insults at me like they were doing to anyone who dared to question them. And I didn't wanna give them more notes, especially if they were lashing out at innocent mentally ill folks. (They insulted a depressed person calling them an "absolute tarpit" or something, which kudos to them for coming up with that cos it's kinda funny but I'm motre concerned that it's not ok to bully mentally ill folks who are struggling, especially if you are claiming to have all the answers to mental illness/being some mental health warrior 🙄

I even had some tags written out

But then i was like, no you know what? I've got enough on my plate already i don't need to engage with people with negative energy like that (not in a LoA kind of way). I hope they don't see this cos i can't be bothered arguing.

Kinda scared to be found by abusive OP but it was the one about (allegedly) them not being a "just try goat yoga to improve your mental illness" person but then proceeding to list a whole bunch of lifestyle things that many of us with severe mental illness have ALREADY TRIED and often aren't capable of keeping up all of it simultaneously long term. I mean executive function, avolition (broken rewards system), anhedonia etc exist. And also said that vegetables are actually "cheap" lol idk man we are in a cost of living crisis and people having to choose rent over food etc.

And in fact i tried to "get some sun" for my health and my skins health a few weeks ago and got horrifically sunburnt after only about 20 minutes in the same spot. I looked like a fried lobster. And that's a reality for a lot of us

Also the post is kinda bold to assume many of us aren't already doing/have done those things to no avail. We are not just lazy

Idk I may be being a bit defensive or a whiney b**** or whatever they wanna call me but ima keep trying my best bc I'm not stupid as they seem to think, i know all that stuff is healthy and i wanna be healthy but that don't make it any easier to do than say and I'm not gonna beat myself up or let other rando on the internet beat me up over not being mentally ill correctly basically

Idk sometimes the worst kinda people can end up with these big-notes posts and you should.take what they say wirh a grain of salt. Also I did conclude the post is Not For Me.

And no you are not "stupid" for not trying these things, you're just struggling and it sucks. I think those people come from privilege honestly because actually some of us have serious issues and just need to be medicated up to our eyeballs i guess 🤷‍♀️ don't listen to bullies you are awesome and I'm sure you have tried your best given the circumstances

[flock-from-the-void]

What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

for Tiv

Thank you, Noon! The question is from this ask game you have no clue how happy that ask made me

It actually made me think a lot about what kind of person Tiv is. Sadly, I have to leave most of my thoughts to myself - you know, it's pretty easy to spoil a novella lol.

For example, if Tiv was a bit more committed to practice fencing with his sister, the whole plot wouldn't happen. I mean, he would still go to war which is traumatic and would ruin him - but he would probably just go unnoticed as an another plain warrior.

The first big decision he makes in the novella is choosing to go to war. He wasn't forced. Arguably, this would be an even worse decision. He would end up full of guilt and anhedonia. I won't dwell deeper into that to keep it triggerless.

[kidmachinate]

Life Is Currently a Dark Souls Battle & I Need To Learn To Dodge

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my last three posts on here. They have gone between a loss of hope, sadness, and being flat out angry. While you can certainly take something away from any given human emotion, pretty much all of those describe the process of a hard Dark Souls battle. I’m aware the picture I used is for Bloodborne but it’s the same thing, pretty much, so bear with me here. Sometimes you just have to weather the storm. Usually for me, Dark Souls or Bloodborne involves going into a boss multiple times with death in mind just to kinda learn the ropes, with no real stakes. I can just try again. The glory of games. Eventually you get a basic idea and start really trying. Then, the boss has attack patterns you haven’t seen or multiple stages. This can take anywhere between 30 mins to a half a day. Yeah, I spent about 12 hours on this boss pictured above in the span of like a week. I feel like I’m fighting that in my life right now but I can’t see the attacks coming at me and just have to take the hits. It’s like being smacked around by a Brigitte as a tank in Season 10 when your team isn’t around. I feel like that’s a pattern too. Overwatch is in a big pending status. I wanted to quit a few weeks ago but I brought my win rate from a pathetic 10% to like 45%. Still bad, but much better. I started caring less I guess. Back to the topic here. I have so much more going for me than some I know which I think about daily due to their own individual situations financially, in regards to a job, or really anything. Sometimes I care a bit too much but it helps me forget my own problems at times. Plus, it feels good to get others to feel good. For some reason though, calming down in extra hard lately and being sad or mad is becoming more common. Maybe I’ve acquired  anhedonia to some extent but I’m not entirely convinced either. I can break out when I want with games or a small group of friends. I’m starting to question a lot of what I do more than ever, success or not. Picking my battles has not been a strong suit lately. I want to fight them all but I know I either can’t take it, or some are simply not worth fighting. When you view this as battles online, it sounds pathetic, but we’re on the internet so much, it’s very much real. The last post I made could have said the same message with a bit less angst. This of course becomes a even bigger problem when people only want to fight you instead of discuss with you.  I could always do the whole hey, let me just disable my profile, turn off my phone, or whatever else. There will still be the thoughts that haunt me. The other stages to the boss battle. One of them has a one shot capability. I’m trying to find a way around this. I really should get the ball rolling over again with therapy but right now, I’ve simply got too much else on my plate, and if I ask for help from my direct family which is now just one well...let’s just say mental illness still isn’t a very well understood subject matter. I recently found the soundtrack to The Last of Us on Spotify. Same with the God of War soundtrack, the latest one. The former is quite relaxing and the second is epic in the same way as Bloodborne. Epic music. I need the calming variety though and more. As it stand right now, my wife-to-be is being a warrior princess and I’m struggling to be the rock, tank, or whatever she needs right now. Things are transitioning towards the better I just need to convince myself it is okay. It’s a real problem. I don’t want to go Maverick. Make no mistake, we’re still pushing forward as hard as it all has been. I have plans upon plans for the future and maybe some other plans that take me away from areas that have become more stressful than helpful would be a good idea as well. Until then, just gotta embrace the journey. #ToTheFuture

[theglassishalffullofair-blog]

Things you deserve:

-filling your body with sustenance.

-enjoying that sustenance without self-ridicule or loathing your body shape.

-eating three meals a day.

-adequate rest

-feeling good about your body

-Exploring your creativity with journaling, poetry, and/or drawing

-feeling satisfied by what you create

-being surrounded by friends/family who are kind enough to share of their energy and time and who genuinely appreciate you.

-pursuing hobbies and interests that bring you some enjoyment.

-the lovely animals surrounding your living space

-love in general (though maybe platonic is the only kind you can stand, that's okay for now)

-healthy teeth and gums

-having a cleanly and comfortable skin prison

Things you do NOT deserve:

-starving yourself because you "feel bad" about eating food. No. Stop this. Eating doesn't make you a "bad person", your brain is just really sick.

-being depressed. No one, literally no one ever, deserves this. The onus is not on you to "fix" the raw and bleeding parts of your psyche. It's okay to bleed, sometimes, just, don't let yourself drown in blood, okay?

-your brain telling you that you're being excluded on purpose in social gatherings. No. This is not true. Your friends DO miss you; don't believe your brain's lies.

-anhedonia: nope, this is another blatant lie. You were not born to suffer forever, and mate, as soon as you start believing that, you can start accepting yourself unconditionally.

-your loved ones croaking (it sounds funnier that way, bear with me). Oh boy, this is a pernicious one. It's also completely, comPLETELY categorically false. Sometimes it helps to imagine living in a stochastic existence, because horrible things like that happen that ARE NEVER YOUR FAULT, EVER, though sometimes it hurts so bad that you wish it were.

-being down on yourself for not being 100% perfect with all your self-care. Whoo boy, you've done so much just to still be here, you don't need self-loathing for no good reason (and there never is, don't listen to your brain about this). Sometimes there will be slow days where it takes forever to get cracking. That's okay. Be gentle with yourself. Statistically, it will get easier the more you try.

-being assaulted. Nope, never, no. It never was, and it never, ever, will be. Let's just leave the persistent subconscious inadequate worries about this in 2018 okay? You're Xena warrior princess, a strong woman unafraid to be herself. You deserve healthy relationships, even if you don't always know what that means.

-being poor. Oh my Lord, this one. No, the gods aren't punishing your queer arse. You're just, kinda freaking poor right now, and that might suck dog's bollocks, (excuse my French) but it certainly isn't your FAULT, and is very much subject to change.

-having a HellBrain. Ah, yes, this one. Nope, still not your fault. Next.

-struggling to finish even a semester at university. Not even. Some people just- you get the gist.

-being Neurodivergent. Okay, first of all, it's hecking cool that you have a super quirky brain. You might have to reread passages in books a dozen times; so what? You still go for it like it's an Olympic sport, which is wow. Second of all, even though being around people can make you quake with fear and anxiety as you worry that you'll somehow "mess up" and misread social cues-well, guess what? You will. But here's the leprechaun gold: PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I'm serious dood.

-being tall. Wowza, you were blessed with some weird genetics, but it balances out the fails™. I mean, you're kind of a gœber, by which I mean hilarious, and people notice that. Your self-deprecating nature puts those around you at ease (usually, when not overboard).

-your never know what to do with your legs - yeah, this is still really a thing. Some people don't grow into their bodies. Put this one up there with your "List of Lovable Quirks" (just don't fall over doing so c;).

Welp, that's good enough for now. Remember, me, you're a work in progress, not a fixed state of being. You're doing better than you think. Really. I'm proud. (': Be easy with yourself-happiness arrives with the journey and not the destination, or whatever, I have so many aphorisms inside my brain..P. S. It-and you-are going to be okay. <3.

[eclectic-ways]

A part of the upcoming series I’m creating as my AI artworks.

Theme of inspiration: Fibromyalgia

Do you really know what it is like to lose hope?

Do you even know what it is like to draw away from your dreams, desires & potentials increasingly every day?

Do you know how it feels like to wake up to each day just to go through the same mental and physical agony over and over again?

Do you know how hard it is to fall and stay asleep with all the built-up frustration, sorrow, regrets and rage inside?

Do you know that STRESS did this to us?

Do you know the synonym of desperation & misery? It’s called fibrof***algia.

Do you know…….. this can go on for pages and I’m so tired. Will head to bed in the middle of the day.

So yeah.