#anna means everything to me i would fucking die for her

[mrsdulac]

Got a question tonight that broke my heart a little to answer so naturally I’m going to share it on a poll.

[moe-broey]

OKAY. I. FINALLY HAVE DONE IT. IT TOOK A LOT OF TESTING AND TROUBLE SHOOTING AND FIGURING OUT BUT I THINK I HAVE IT

My Askr and Co. team!!!!!!! Sometimes I switch one of them out for story stuff (full immersion lmfao), but!!! It's them it's the OGs 🥺🥺🥺

Alfonse is still pretty much the same, but since the Dragon Flower limit was increased, I feel he no longer needs Fury! Which, removing it does synergize better with Florid Cane anyway, beyond the Canto gimmick (having an Atk/Spd bonus if kept healthy).

Biggest thing I needed to figure out though was who I was giving the special skills to (from an extra Acsended Mareeta and Felix). I WAS tempted to give them to Alfonse (head empty he means everything to me) but I came to the conclusion that Ruptured Sky works too well on him. I even think it's fun from a storytelling standpoint, where he's consistent almost to a fault -- can result in him being reliable, or juuust missing the mark (he's still adaptable as well though!). PLUS! Both are speed based skills, and even With my speedy Alfonse build, AND even with all those Dragon Flowers, Sharena outspeeds him at lower investment.

So it did come down to trying to decide which would work best between Sharena and Anna.

Sharena absolutely needed to be completely revised, since I realized I accidentally doubled up on Null Follow Up on her weapon and B slot (and her C slot was a wimpy Threaten skill lmfao). Ultimately I felt Felix's kit synergized better with Alfred's Arcane I gave to her -- espp Bulwark keeping her healthy! In this way I think I accidentally made her a tank. Especially with all the stat bonuses coming together, on top of a damage reduction special. Really my ONLY bit of grief here is she no longer has her special attack voicelines........... I'm SO sad about that 💔💔💔 (HOWEVER. IT. IS REALLY FUNNY.)

She's just standing there..... Menacingly........... (quite literally with the Menace skill too from the Summer Dimitri manual that's up for grabs. I'm not so sure if it Suits Her storytelling-wise but tbh it's funny. GO GIRL START KILLING‼️‼️‼️)

As for Anna! I actually haven't touched Anna's build in years, she's not a unit I ever use outside of the once a month free orb and sometimes for story... last I left her was with Life or Death 3, Vantage, and a Spur skill. I wanted to keep in line with this initial build though... bc I feel like it suits her.

Outside of this one time (very early on, before I really put a lot of thought into things) I Never use Life or Death (I'm too cautious HAHAH) so I was comfortable giving her a Life or Death 4 I had laying around. BEYOND THAT. IT WAS. SUCH A NIGHTMARE. To figure out What the rest of her kit should be. A Lot of trial and error, testing, troubleshooting, everything. Because the BIGGEST THING is I wanted to keep Nóatún on her. She gets INSANE movement from it, and I felt like if I could Just Get This Right, I could pull off something as gimmicky as my Hit and Run Canto Alfonse. You have to trade SO much power for that movement, and she's already made of glass and paper the way I'm building her (but I am SO committed to this idea bc it's EXACTLY how I conceptualize her character in my mind -- strong starter, hard hitter, high movement = speedy and lots of experience on the battle field!! And SOMETHING in her C and Seal slots to communicate teamwork and commanding.)

EVENTUALLY. WHAT I THINK WORKS. Spurn helps her Not Die As Much/As Quickly (thank you damage reduction), and I think the balance between Oath/Solo skills gets the idea across.

BUT ALSO. THIS. THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I DESPERATELY WANTED TO SHOW OFF IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!

LOOK at this. LOOK at how STUPID this is. How by giving Alfonse Odd Tempest HE IS. SO POWERFUL. HE MAKES A KILLER OPENING (EXACTLY AS HE ALWAYS SAYS HE WILL‼️‼️‼️). Reposition into Canto into look at him fucking go. He's fucking gone. Halfway across the battlefield. AND ANNA HAS FANTASTIC SYNERGY WITH THIS!!!!! Being able to get That One Extra Space thanks to Nóatún!!!!!!!! (Unfortunately this was a terrible matchup and she died instantly, but this is more for demonstration purposes 🫡)

I am a little sad that Sharena gets left on the back lines when this works out but. I think she's still doing her part. Esp since I'm testing out Ardent Sacrifice on her, where I typically exclusively only use Reposition and always have a healer. On top of eating hits, she also covers for her allies as well! Making sure they're okay :)

Finally! Takumi! I. Have no idea how he fits in here tbh I don't even know how Pathfinder works. But I love him so much so dearly and he's here because he's a highly respected veteran member of the Order of Heroes. Also everyone say thank you Alcryst for fucking finally giving him a usable weapon and decent skills (I have gone through SO MANY ideations of base Takumi builds and they have NEVER been on the level of stronger units he was ALWAYS WOEFULLY OUTCLASSED. Which is DEVASTATING bc I really like using base forms sometimes!!!!). I'm SO happy he's finally on par w stronger units now!!!! OH. AND. THE MAJOR THING ABOUT HIM ACTUALLY. Is once he gets the ball rolling he is procing Deadeye every fucking turn. Just like in Fates... 🥺🥺🥺 (killing and maiming and violence complete with a cheeky attitude and bravado!)

[spookymultimedia]

Oneshot to go along with it below

Word count: 727

CW: withdrawal, addiction, self harm, underage drinking [they're 13]

Stan was seated on the back porch of Henrietta's house and looked down at his trembling hands. He was going cold turkey for Kyle but ever since he cut off drinking he felt sick. He got headaches, he felt worse, he wanted to die. He needed some alcohol just to get the edge off and feel better. He didn't want to upset Kyle but it was so hard to quit. He turned at the sound of the sliding door. It was Henrietta standing there with a bottle in her hand. He couldn't help but perk up and the thought of her having alcohol.

She sat next to him and sipped the bottle of white wine.

He looked at her wide eyed.

“My Mom already drank half of it. I'm not addicted or anything. Not yet anyway.” She laughed at herself. She held out the bottle and offered it to Stan.

He took the bottle immediately and gulped it. It wasn't as strong as whisky but it was better than nothing. He drank it like it was water. He started to breathe better once the alcohol buzz settled into his alcohol-dependent body. Tears filled his eyes.

“kyle's gonna fucking kill me.”

“Why?”

“He hates that I drink.”

“He knows you have an addiction right?”

“Yeah of course.”

“He sounds like a total dick.”

“He just cares about me.”

“If he actually gave a fuck he would care about you going through withdrawal.”

He hiccupped and wiped his eyes.

“You're not the only kid with addictions you know, you're not alone.” She raised her arm and showed her scars from cutting herself.

Stan glanced at her.

“How do your friends feel about it?”

“They understand. They were scared at first but then they bought me cleaner shit to use and proper bandages so my scars won't get infected.”

Stan furrowed his eyebrows, “but, isn't that just encouraging it?”

“No, they're just creating a safer way for me to cut. It's harm reduction. It's not always possible to just drop out of an addiction immediately so might as well do it safer rather than privately with a dirty pencil sharpener.”

“I guess that's a good point.” He took another sip if wine.

“My friends aren't like yours. I can't always talk about everything with them.”

“Hmm.”

“Henrietta?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you cut because you're fat?”

“What!? No!! Why would you say that!?”

Stan flinched, “I donno, I'm sorry.”

“I don't have a fucking problem with my body, society just hates fat people!! I think I look fucking awesome but people see me and assume the fucking worst! It pisses me off!!”

Henrietta took a deep breath and clenched her fists.

“No it's because I just- I get so sad that I feel like nothing. And I just can't seem to wake up from it without cutting myself. It makes me feel alive. I'd rather hurt than sit in the dark abyss of nothingness in my soul. It's so boring doing nothing and feeling like shit. I need to fucking express how I feel or I'm gonna scream.”

“Yeah, I get it. I- I got pressured into drinking because I just needed an escape somehow and that's what they suggested to me and-” he hiccupped “I didn't mean to.”

Henrietta placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I know you didn't.”

“It's kinda fucked up but it’s beautiful I think. Sometimes I take pictures of my wrists because I think it's pretty. With the blood and all. That's fucked up isn't?”

“A little yeah. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel like shit. It's been nearly a year. I don't know when it's gonna stop.”

Henrietta nodded.

“It's weird. I start to feel okay again for a while, I feel really really good, or just get pissy again but I'm passionate and I'm not numb. But then it just comes back full force and I go back to feeling nothing. It drives me insane. I think I'm going insane. These emotions are normal. At least I don't enjoy them. Even when I do feel passionate, it's too much and I can't sleep. Like, at all.”

“Wow.”

“It's a lot. Point is, you're sick and you need to just embrace that and treat yourself more kindly. And if Kyle gets pissy about it I'll punch him in the nuts.”

Stan smiled.

“Okay.”

[a-trick-or-two-with-lepers]

I finally watched Swedish Christ Superstar

Remember how I did a whole deep dive into the 2018 one? Yeah well, I was gonna try to do that with this version, but it is so unbelievably, completely, utterly, insanely unhinged that I just had to have my post about it match the energy. So without further ado, here are my literal first reaction notes to Jesus Christ Superstar (2014 Swedish Arena Tour).

Overture-

• Ooh the stuttering guitar is so metal

• Love the outfits, give me more apocalyptic leather headbanging nonsense

• Love how the choreo goes with the music rather than pure immediate chaos

• Admittedly the orchestra could be a bit better, but not terrible

• The shopping cart is my favorite character

• This feels almost interpretive

• Ok. Jesus is hot

• Draculacore

• Is he orgasming?

• I think that's an appropriate tone to be set

• I will say, I like productions with more color, but I see the style they're going for and I don't dislike it

Heaven on their minds-

• I like how they translated the lyrics to sound good in Swedish

• Also gives extra context and connotation to the words

• Love judas' mesh top!

• Really good singer wow

• This is how the song is supposed to be sung!!!

• I like boys with long hair hehehehe

• Symbolic that jesus is sleeping while judas is trying to get him to listen. Shows how closed off and resigned to his fate he was

• And also how no matter how hard judas tried he would never really be heard

• Painted nails!

• The subtitles said fuck? Lol

• I seriously love this guy's voice

• Oh my god they're so boyfriends

What's the buzz/Strange thing mystifying-

• Jesus is serving so much cunt

• So. Much. Touching.

• AHAHAHAHAGSVSBAZHDVWH THEYRE SO BOYFRIENDS HWWGGA

• Yes Maria feed him that orange

• "A man like him" you mean... 💅?

Everythings alright-

• I really like Mary's voice and look

• Mommy vibes fs

• He's in the shopping cart hhahahaha

• The masculine urge to sleep in a shopping cart while wearing shades

This jesus must die-

• Caiaphas sounds like a toad LMAO

• "It's seduction! It's blasphemy!" -Christians watching this 😭

• Caiaphas saying "STOP" such a jumpscare

• They kept the jesus is cool line and for that this is now one of my favorite productions

• AND THEY SAID IT TWICE AM I IN HEAVEN??

• Well I won't be after watching this 😌

• Caiaphas has a pretty cool voice ngl, my timbers are shivered

• HELIKOPTER 🚁 HELIKOPTER 🚁

Hosanna-

• A bit faster rendition that's neat

• Interesting how judas is participating in the fray

• It's so nice to see his character happy for once though

• The jesus balloons are killing me

Simon zealotes/poor jerusalem-

• Ooh it's a fight

• The ladies are sangin and dancin 💃

• THEY SAID FUCK AGAIN

• Well okay I'm just gonna give up on the notion that this play will be family appropriate in any manner, it's better that way anyway

• Pretty cool how the choreo is militaristic, as well as the costuming

• They way Simon is pronounced 😃

• I am unilingual my brain is incapable of not making a joke about that

• Jesus your nail polish is chipping baby fix that

Pilates dream-

• Love pilates robe, very pretty

• Ok but the sparkly suit is better

The temple-

• Fuck counter: 3

• They have a bit more speaking in this version which I really don't mind

• The lyrics make it really clear how the crowds used their connection to God to justify their actions, an issue which is still prevalent today

• Annas shaking that tail go off

• Jesus jumpscare

• He called it "A whorehouse" 💀

• The beggars all have little hand lights, that creates a really cool effect

• Wow the music got really fast

I don't know how to love him-

• Yayy Mary hi Mary hi 😍🥰👋

• Da smoochy???

• Judas ain't gonna be happy bout this

• Her voice is so good!!

• Interesting how jesus is awake for this

• ITS JUDAS HE'S PEEKING

• Uh oh

Damned for all time/blood money-

• OH NO

• MY BOY GOT SLAPPED

• HE JUST WANTED A SMOOCH

• Ok now it just feels like he's betraying him cause he got rejected 😭

• Annas is such a little shit oh my god

• He's giving Draco Malfoy vibes somehow

The last supper-

• Act 2 baby here we go

• Okay so he's dragging them to absolute hell, love that for you jesus

• The girls are FIGHTING!

• "Tell us what happened to the good vibes" I'm loving this translation

• Judas actor once again killing it, he has a really lovely rock voice

• The apostles throwing shade at judas and planning to blame him in the gospels 😙🤌

• This shit crazy

Gethsemane-

• Ok I'm gonna try to be serious for this once

• So far pretty good

• The lyrics are hitting the important parts of the song I feel

• HE GOT THE NOTE!

• Pretty damn good

• My bias still lies with Neeley but that wasn't gonna change really

• I like how he made the g5 actually part of the song rather than separating it. This whole performance is actually very natural and easy to watch

• The last verse goes so incredibly hard

• *rips shirt open*

• 👌

The arrest-

• Here it is the kiss

• Here we go

• Literally the only part of this play I'd seen before

• Okay that's just. So romantic. JESUS kissed JUDAS! What a twist!

• "Why did you date a whore" goddamn

Peter's denial-

• Annas is basically the main character he's in so many songs

Pilate and christ-

• "Yeah we know you're 'hot'" I mean 😏

• Fuck counter: 4

• My notes are seriously lacking I apologize

King herods song-

• Herod is me I am Herod

• Me in my robe on a Monday morning imposing judgement onto others:

• Did they just use a slide whistle?

• Goofy ahh sound effects 💀

• "Fine I'll do it myself- look, no hands 😚"

• He's my favorite

• Herod being silly and goofy:🤪

• Jesus: 😐

• Loved that

Could we start again please-

• Fuck counter: 5

• Not the song I expected it to be in tbh

• Maybe it doesn't hold the same weight in Sweden

• "How are we going to explain it so it looks good on paper?" This is a new angle that is actually really interesting, and reminds me that the Bible is pretty much ancient RPF

• Yay they included the ensemble

Judas death-

• "For one measly kiss" I'd call that kiss a lot of things but measly does not come to mind

• He is talking to jesus instead of christ

• Something tells me this production is not very religious 🤔

• Which I am very ok with

• He's goin through it

• He's got the rock screams going on 🤘love it

• RIP Judas, too gay to live 😔

Trial before pilate-

• He called Jesus a clown, bitch this isn't Godspell

• Ouchie

• That's a lot of blood

• It's easy to overact in the role of pilate and this guy isn't doing that, which is good

Superstar-

• I prefer when Judas is wearing white in this song, but the glittery red robe kinda slays ngl

• And once again judas is a pretty boy

• They kept the "jesus christ, Jesus christ, who are you what have you sacrificed" line in English

• Oop the robe is off

• Get those dance moves judas damn

• This is insane

• What is happening

• Why am I turned on

John 19:41-

• Ooh this is rather scary

• The way its literally just him on stage suffering is pretty intense

• IT IS FINISHED

Hope you enjoyed sluts

[starcrossedmoonlet]

Hello and welcome to this blog!

My name is Comet Yuusonya, and I'm the host here! Feel free to call me just about anything--Comet, Yuu, Prefect, Grim's Mother, whatever works. My friends and I are all here to answer questions, rp, chat, whatever else! A list of everyone included here will be at the bottom of the post.

Come get to know us--ask whatever questions you'd like! Let me set some ground rules really quick.

1. NO NSFW -- Flirting is fine, but no NSFW. A lot of us are minors or freshly 18, and A LOT of us are asexual.

2. Please be kind! I am just a girl, a child, even. Please treat me as you would another human being. I have boundaries and I want them respected. This extends to all my friends.

3. Please be patient! Life's kinda busy, things happen. If we don't respond immediately, we'll get back within a day or two. Please don't bug us about responding to your asks, I promise we see them.

4. We curse here! This means you can to, but if you don't want anything to do with that, probably best to steer clear. I never use curse words to insult another, and neither should you. No slurs either please. Those are my only rules on cursing here. Otherwise be free to say fuck lmao

5. Fellow OCs are welcomed here and encouraged to interact!!! Tell me everything about your OCs I love them all!!!!

6. This is a safe place! No judging others' identities, OCs, requests, etc--including mine.

Here's a masterlist of everyone here, including their main tags!

Comet Yuusonya

Hi! I'm Comet, Yuu works too--I'm the Ramshackle Prefect. I was magicless when I got here, but... now I'm not! Local therapist, Grim's mother, and widely feared for my ability to psychoanalyze people. She/her pronouns, asexual, polyamorous Twisted from Rapunzel and Princess Anna

#comet yuu answers things : questions I answer, pretty self explanitory #comet yuu rambles : if I get kind of ramble-y, I'll add this tag. #comet yuu daily lyrics : for lyrics from songs I either relate to or just like !

Heaven

Greetings, you may call me Heaven. I reside within the halls of Ramshackle, though I come from a realm beyond this one. So long as you do not bring harm to our prefect, you shall be spared. She/her pronouns, polyamorous, has never commented on her sexuality. Twisted from the bride from the Haunted Mansion. #Heaven replies : For when you speak to me.

James Steelclaw From Savanaclaw

'sup, name's james. local jaguar beastman in spelldrive. teachers hate me, learn my secret today! /j He/him pronouns, bisexual, polyamorous. Twisted from the jaguars in Emperor's new Groove. #james speaks : general tag for me. idc if its questions or just me talkin outta my ass.

Lance Everett

Hi, I'm Lance, it's so exciting to meet you! I'm a Savanaclaw student, though I wish I were in Pomefiore with my buddy Emilio... that's okay, though, I enjoy the temperature here. I love animals and communicating with them. Maybe we can be friends? He/him pronouns, unspecified sexuality but clearly likes men. Twisted from Kronk. #Hello from Lance! : Any of my posts!

Buggie Orville

heeeyyyy whazzup name'z buggie, azul AND jamil'z #1 nuisance !!!!!! find me behind Mostro Lounge in my DEFINITELY LEGAL gambling ring and speakeasy ;) don't mind the bugz, they're my budz! they don't bite unlezz i don't like you! :D They/it/he, bug/bugself pronouns, asexual, demi and panromantic, polyamorous. Twisted from Oogie Boogie. #rollin the dice : anything from me <3

Emilio Nowell

Greetings all. Emilio Nowell here, a proud Pomefiore student and pro at chemistry. Should you wish to speak with me, I suppose I shall grant you some of my time. Though, I'd imagine Lance is more fun to speak to... have you tried his spinach puffs? They're simply to die for. He/him pronouns, gay. Twisted from Yzma. #From Emilio : When I am speaking, I will add this tag.

Igni Hayes

uhhh hi whats up, my name's ignacio but igni is fine! um i'm from ignihyde, im the resident goth, cant shut up about flowers, and drama king to the max haha. h. hope we can be friend sorry if i'm awkward it's the social anxiety He/him pronouns, pansexual, polyamorous. Twisted from Pain and Panic. #Ignis replies : for asks #gothichanahaki : my general tag

Jun'ichi Sasaki

Come learn about me yourself. He/him, unspecified sexuality. Twisted from Robert Callaghan / Yokai from Big Hero Six. #Sasaki Junichi : General.

Everest Grove

Hello! Call me Everest. I'm a mushroom fae from Briar Valley, new to Diasomnia and the Mountain Lovers Club. I enjoy sketching and hikes, perhaps you'd like to join me? I'm a little quiet, but I promise I mean no harm. They/them pronouns, asexual, panromantic polyamorous. Twisted from background fairies in the live action Maleficent. #Everests Grove : Anything I post!

Wade Krillis

Yo what's up everyone, name's Wade. I just transfered to NRC not too long ago... I'm in Diasomnia. I'm in spelldrive, but I think I like the arts on land, I'd like to get into that. Please don't be too put off by my style, promise I'm not dangerous! I just like being punk. :) He/him pronouns, unspecified sexuality. Not twisted from any Disney character, but heavily correlated with Octavinelle. #Thoughts from Wade : My posts, whether asks or not!

Comet again! I'll add character info sheets in case you want pictures and more information soon! Until then, thanks for stopping by! Hope we can be friends! Don't forget to drink water! Until next time! Find my main at @elysia-nsimp

[gilliverse]

BrBa15 poll results!

FAV SEASON: 4 (by Laine) FAV CHARACTER: Jesse (by Sahar) FAV EPISODE: Ozymandias (by Sarada) FAV RECURRING CHARACTER: Jane (by Riot) FAV DYNAMIC: Mike & Jesse (by Aimee) FAV MOMENT: any scene with Saul (by Anna) FAV MOMENT (glass eating edition): Jesse playing peekaboo with the Spooge kid (by Kardelen) FAV MEMES (by all of us)

and idk if this is interesting for anyone other than myself but below the cut is a complete list of all the results! :)

311 votes total! (a lot of people skipped questions so if the numbers don't add up that's why)

FAV SEASON — season 4 (123 votes) — season 2 (57 votes) — season 3 (55 votes) — season 5b (38 votes) — season 5a (22 votes) — season 1 (7 votes)

FAV CHARACTER — jesse pinkman (145 votes) — saul goodman (55 votes) — gus fring (43 votes) — mike ehrmantraut (30 votes) — skyler white (15 votes) — walter white (10 votes) — hank schrader (5 votes) — lydia rodarte-quayle (3 votes) — junior (3 votes) — marie schrader (2 votes) — todd alquist (0 votes) (thank goodness)

FAV EPISODE (there were a LOT of different answers (47 to be exact sbfsskfb) so here's the top 10) — 5.14 ozymandias (43 votes) — 3.10 fly (40 votes) — 2.09 4 days out (23 votes) — 4.10 salud (22 votes) — 4.13 face off (17 votes) — 2.08 better call saul (10 votes) — 2.06 peekaboo (10 votes) — 5.16 felina (8 votes) — 4.11 crawl space (8 votes) — 4.01 box cutter (5 votes) — 3.13 full measure (5 votes)

FAV RECURRING CHARACTER — jane margolis (66 votes) — badger (55 votes) — gale boetticher (42 votes) — huell babineaux (38 votes) — skinny pete (25 votes) — hector salamanca (17 votes) — tuco salamanca (14 votes) — andrea cantillo (14 votes) — steve gomez (11 votes) — francesca liddy (11 votes) — salamanca cousins (8 votes) — ted beneke (2 votes) — patrick kuby (0 votes)

FAV DYNAMIC — mike & jesse (94 votes) — walt & jesse (84 votes) — mike & saul (26 votes) — jesse & badger & skinny pete (26 votes) — saul & skyler (25 votes) — badger & skinny pete (13 votes) — junior & breakfast (11 votes) — jesse & jane (9 votes) — mike & gus (8 votes) — walt & gus (3 votes) — walt & hank (3 votes) — marie & hank (3 votes) — marie & skyler (2 votes) — walt & saul (2 votes)

FAV MOMENT — any scene with saul (75 votes) — crawl space ending (47 votes) — "I fucked Ted" (26 notes) — 4 days out cooking montage (26 votes) — "I did it for me" (24 votes) — gus face off (19 votes) — jesse & jane holding hands (2.07 ending) (15 votes) — "This is not meth" (15 votes) — gus handing walt the knife because he knows he can't kill him (3.11) (14 votes) — "Maybe your best course would be to tread lightly." (11 votes) — hector shitting himself at the DEA's office (9 votes) — "I am the one who knocks" (8 votes) — machine gun shootout (felina) (7 votes) — "Say. My. Name." (4 votes) — narcocorrido teaser (2.07) (4 votes) — first cooking montage (pilot) (2 votes) — ken wins loses (1 vote) — "Wanna cook?" (1.05) (0 votes)

FAV MOMENT (glass eating edition) — jesse playing peekaboo with the spooge kid (37 votes) — "I loved her more than anything" (29 votes) — "He was just like...a problem dog." (27 votes) — "Let me die in peace." (26 votes) — "ever since I met you, everything I ever cared about is gone" (23 votes) — gus murdering the cartel (21 votes) — jesse go kart (21 votes) — "What the hell is wrong with you, we're a family!?!" (20 votes) — "I watched jane die" (19 votes) — forcing jesse to watch andrea being killed (15 votes) — holly saying 'mama' after walt kidnapped her (13 votes) — "he made up his mind 10 minutes ago" (13 votes) — max's death flashback (12 votes) — skyler walks into the pool (11 votes) — the RV being destroyed (6 votes) — "Vamonos." "I wish." (4 votes) — walt paying the disappearer to stay with him a while longer (4 votes) — dead freight ending (3 votes) — "I don't want a monkey. I want you" (2 votes) — "family. you can't give up on them. never. I mean, what else is there?" (2 votes) — flashforward to walt visiting the house (5.09) (0 votes)

FAV MEME — "My name is Skyler White, yo." (146 votes) — saul goodman commercial (143 votes) — "aaaahhhh wiiiiiireeeee!" (123 votes) — "YEAH bitch, magnets!!" (119 votes) — dinner with jesse and the whites (112 votes) — pizza on the roof (95 votes) — jesse pinkman in the house (95 votes) — "I need Saul RIGHT NOW" (94 votes) — cow house (93 votes) — "the hell is a milf" (93 votes) — "They're rocks, Hank." "no, they're minerals. jesus, marie" (89 votes) — skyler's dumb blonde act (89 votes) — waltjesse toilet fight scene (87 votes) — SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP (72 votes) — badger's star trek script (63 votes) — "did you just bring a bomb into a hospital?!" (59 votes) — "I have the talking pillow" (41 votes) — "Skyler, there's rot." (40 votes) — "You brought a meth lab to the airport?!" (40 votes) — "why the hell are we making meth" (36 votes) — "I'm talking with Ted" (34 votes) — walt & jesse spraying each other in kiddie pools (33 votes) — gale karaoke (32 votes) — the universal symbol for keys (22 votes) — walt pepper spray (3.02) (19 votes) — lydia screaming into a pillow (16 votes) — tableside guacamole (15 votes) — the crystal ship (2 votes) (PLEASE?! AHFAFBFKBA)

[reefer-reelz-n-reviews]

Scream 2 (1997)

Smoking: Splatter

I think I will go up to Scream 3. I need to do some kind of Christmas Movies in December right? Lol

After all this stuff that happened with poor Will Smith, I’m honestly happy to see Jada Pinkett Smith with her death scene at the beginning of this movie. I guess there is a theme with more famous people in the beginning of these movies. I never really thought of it this way.

Love how you know this is the beginning of caller ID 😝

I completely forgot Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this movie. Love me some Buffy!!!! And how Ironic that Matthew Lillard was in the first one, and she is in the second one and they are both in Scooby Doo.

Liev Schreiber, I think he’s a great actor. I really liked him in Salt. He’s good at being bad/creepy.

OMG Portia de Rossi. She is soooo young in this! She’s being her normal semi-bitchy self. Wonder if she had met Ellen yet by this time.

Snack time. Left over cheese fries and spicy cheese curds 🤤

2 for 2! Neve Campbell hits Courtney Cox. Not surprising. She deserves it in both movies.

I love Elise Neal’s definition of FINE. Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. I total agree with that. Any time someone says their fine I imagine Ross from Friends in the episode where he gets drunk on margaritas 🤣

How ironic. SMG has a sorority sister named Dawn just like in Buffy, though that ends up being her real sister, now a sorority sister. But I digress.

Yes, run up the stairs to get away from the killer 🙄 and I just realized in the Scary Movie why Anna Faris throws things down the stairs at the killer, including her grandma 😂 I also think I understand the whole “Strong hand” thing because of David Arquette.

Honestly if I was NC I don’t think I would date anyone after what I went through. At least not for a very long time. Granted Jerry O’Connell is cute and everything. But you know he’s gotta be psycho right?

And I mean Timothy Olyphant always gives me the creeps. No matter what movie he is in.

🤣 NC completely called Tori Spelling playing her in the movie, it was mentioned in the first one and here she is giving an interview about being in “Stab”. And how funny that David Schwimmer was brought up when CC and DA were both in friends and here, he is mentioned in it lol.

😂 now Jennifer Aniston was brought up. Let’s see if Lisa Kudrow, or either of the Matthews are mentioned next.

Poor Jamie Kennedy. You just had to go and piss off the killer. Now he definitely won’t make it into any of the other movies 😂

How old school that Instant Message looks 🤣

Now we have CC and DA trying to hide from the killer. And not doing a very good job. And sucks that even though they didn’t actually have sex DA gets stabbed yet again. And this time CC gets to watch it.

Of course, the cops that are supposed to keep NC safe make jokes about killing them as far as keeping the location secret and then they die. Like that should be part of the rules with JK. Just saying.

How gross is it to see someone with a pole through their head 🤢

Yes, move ever so slowly when trying to get away from the killer. Typical horror movie.

And surprise surprise, Billy’s mother is part of the dual killers. She leaves her son behind and then all of the sudden she acts like she cares about him after he’s dead, and says this is all out of revenge. Maybe you should have taken your son with you and none of this would have even happened to begin with.

We have the end of the movie. Hope you enjoyed this entry 😊

Toke on! 😶‍🌫️

-RRR

[golden-----hour]

118

5/21/24

I have 20 days until I leave Austria. J'ai vingt jours jusqu'à je m'aille d'Autriche.

Reasons for Staying

That a season to speak through me has to shout but I am quiet. 

I’m vulgar enough to dissect this body. The one right here. Meaning is more long term than pleasure and I am an investor, a good American. 

Become sufficiently sacreligious let us understand how the body’s systems folds into and feeds itself to sustain itself. 

That I cried on this flight, reading other words, better words. Dreams feel thrilling two armlengths way. 

Six poetry books for a weekend trip. Because I am 17 and 71. 

That I am still deciding between love and mercy. I do not have a cleverer subject or ultimatum currently. I want to be forgiven before I grieve. I wonder if I can be more curious about grief than it is about me. 

And a list of verbs I have yet to unlock. And my wordlist with warbling, eclipsis, and passerine. Why do you have a face? 

What an eclipse does to a half-sprung chorus. Lenition. 

Blue jays, northern cardinals, mourning doves transmit from my phone into crumple space of my room and I find it hard to feed myself many days of the week though it embarrasses me to say. 

Mourning doves oppress Spring air with death and Mom hears it for 32 years to have it be born in me. I found it and now I am speaking with intention for probably a few years before what is next. Obsession is very useful because everything is terrifying. When everything is not terrifying, it feels like a Sudoku board that went wrong somewhere. I am not sure if a good friend likes me or not as well. I think in saying this I hear something else, deeper, speak. 

That I cannot rhyme this story. That the cool boy with dark eyes in Seventh Grade ruined magic. That he said there was no such thing, only science, facts. That the 3 blocks to the Walgreens was impossible. It felt like a voyage that could drown me.I have too many words and not enough ideas. No, the conviction behind my ideas is wavering. No, I have just chosen the wrong story to sculpt. No, I am not sure who will listen and I am not sure if there is a story in the first place and I am not sure if it is worthwhile if it is mine. If I did not have to be inside a paragraph for it to hold my attention. 

I might be a bad poet on Instagram soon if it means holding a name and conviction. Tuh! 

I posted the above to my online journal because it seemed to fit the canon of the other writings that I waver inside of me every minute of every day and I cannot stand it. I distract myself by staring at it and seeing if it changes. I will occupy the inside of the feeling for a long time, even if it makes me insane or stupid, just to see. Fuck you, Lorenz.

I also want to talk about how I think Molly is generally annoyed with me and I want to broach that with her soon. I don't mind it but I am feeling insecure and am wondering what an appropriate course of action would be. Which is fair.

I also have talked to Anna about moving into her apartment for next year so I can get out of here because I am unable to stand living here unfortunately. This apartment has a pretty stifling atmosphere to me, and I do recognize how I contribute to it by isolating myself, but I isolate myself because of anxiety and shame, and me and Bettina's modi operandi and personalities do not glom well and I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. I WANT TO WALK AROUND ALL DIE AND EAT MYSELF IN THE MOUTH OF THE SUN. THE PIANO IN VOTIV PARK DISAPPEARED. I AM USELESS DURING BAR TRIVIA. ONE WINDMILL IN A FOREST OF WINDMILLS. A LIGHT ON A HORIZON NO ONE IS LOOKING AT. A WINDOW IN THE CITY OF GLASS. Bettina and I will talk about next year tomorrow and I will explain that I am going to look for another place and am likely going with Anna's apartment because it would just be easier for me given how I feel in here. And I will not assign blame at all, actually, but will just be honest because I actually do appreciate her efforts to communicate with me. I am just particular and I accept that about myself and I forgive myself for not having done a better job. I write this last sentence because I feel Lorenz shaming me in my head. And I am noticing also how things fester from High School onwards: baggage. Problems begin to stick and feel more permanent, like identity markers, stones becoming boulders.

Without Grindr the smallness of myself, the fretting and anxiety, the difficulty with planning, and my general neutrality has become abundantly clear. I may be slightly depressed generally but it feels like a good way to right off not having pleasure all of the time. I think I am very accustomed to satisfaction or I find dissatisfaction to be uncomfortable and stressful so I do everything I can to avoid it but it usually is fruitless. I wonder why Molly likes Lisa more than me even when I am writing these sentences. I want to text Molly and apologize if little things about me bother her but what would that accomplish actually? I will try to make sense of this feeling and offer forgiveness towards it. Later I will not go insane about devotion but I have to distract myself for 65 years and then I get to have a great break. I wish my brain was normal and I wish it was not contrived to speak that way. I want things to be easier. I wish I had more clarity inside my head and that I didn't stay stupid things and that I just was smarter about my surroundings and, tasks, and that I did not get bizarrely stressed about board games. I do charge myself with these things and each word bleeds a little bit as my fingers tap them out. Right where my stomach pouch folds a little evil feeling is nestled inside that makes me want to stay awake for the joy and terror and agency of it. Transitioning between sleep and awakeness is literally hard for me because it is hard to live in this apartment. I am writing because moments where I do not wish to be someone else are mystifying and enough to believe in hope, and I can use the word alders, the cold hush of it like smoke rising from a chimney in iron clad winter. I know about the magic of it. I am realizing how when I was 18, all of this, what I am getting out now was literally already inside of me but I could not translate it and I have known since I was 15 that I will need to spend a lifetime trying to perfect the projection of the craziness inside. Not craziness. Not incorrectness. Not agony. I can do it as soon as my story stops being my own. As soon as I see more of myself and use the word Alders and share the right things with the right people and the right things with nobody else. I think about so many things at once that some people would not call that clarity but that is where they would be wrong. The Highland Park Dunkin' Donuts where the Hasidim would frequent, an old man donning a Yarmulke drinking his large coffee on an iPad, his white frizzy beard, big ears and glasses, who had no idea that I was also Jewish. The coffee there tasted like smoke and mud and put lightning in my fingers. My story is my story. At 18, I was obsessed with the sentence, "I know more than I know" because I knew I could only be 18 when I was 22 and I know I can be 22 when I am 25 but one day I will be faster than the whirring and when I stand tall looking down at it, it will bend trying to get a look at me. I do not miss Murod I miss how I was not afraid to die for any other reason than to be beat the zenith of my grandiose suffering. In the summer when Julian and I exchange nervous glances and try to both be big when no one leaves their hometown completely if they have lived right and my parents grow older and I am squandering privilege and uniqueness and I should be more concerned about politics so that I can get a good job in the UN one day. I mostly rather be beautiful because I am clever enough to know what it means. It feels inane to touch and challenge my voice as much as I do.

This is not Golden Hour anymore, this is Crater Lake. My voice is wings fastening themselves to flying and the perfect description of the sky and the pithy phrases of my dying father. I know what to do with three fingers of scotch and starting a fire in Winter in the slow death of my home. My dead cat still sits on the white green arm chair and why not be obsessed with myself?

I AM ADDICTED TO GRINDR BECAUSE HOW I AM WRITING IS A BRIEF DEPICTION OF WHAT THE WHIRRING LOOKS LIKE FROM DAY TO DAY TO DAY TO DAY AND THE GENERAL REQUIREMENT OF ME TO MAINTAIN MYSELF WITH THE 55 THINGS THAT DO THEIR WHIRRING IN MY HEAD WHEN ALL IS QUIET. BEING AROUND PEOPLE IS A GIFT AND LORENZ IS DEAD. LORENZ IS DEAD THIS STORY HAS DIED LIKE A BIRD.

I will fasten wings to flying a story to my name. I do not forgive my pimples for existing and I am here and know how to talk about footsteps leaving a place. Thanks magazine for projecting my voice into sorry people now I am bit more whatever I have been being. Conviction is a really good story and pretend I am shooting a gun at credentials. Now that everyone is really listening I am here in a scary way. Okay, now that your toes are twitching, eyes brows raised, mouth dry, I am lying in bed smelling the fuck out of myself and a bit too sweaty and 20 days from remembering. Who is not plagued by whatever the fuck is going on in there? I am lying when I say I do not like it. I feel clever for having been plagued because cleverness is still what is somehow most valuable. Here is a suggestion: write a poem with kindness instead of cleverness. Having just written that, I felt a pang of something strange because I write to feel more stable. I do feel like I am writing all for the wrong reasons: not virtuous, not healthy. I give things away too quickly or use too many words, I am garrulous.

I'll grow up in a few years goodbye

[lewdladylily]

Oh don't worry about that, they've seen it all. I was asked once during a routine checkup that I'd forgotten about (got reminder via sms) and I'd recieved my punishments the day before. I just told her it was consensual (is that how it's spelt?) and she took my word for it and just kept going. After she just asked me to consider avoiding such activities before a visit, which is fair honestly. -Anna

I mean sure, it probably isn't anything to them and I know that intellectually but my brain is broken when it comes to things like this (I've got doctor's notes and everything!) and I would die forever.

The same thing occurs to me whenever we do body writing. Like what if I have to go into emergency surgery the day after and I have "fuck slut" written on my breasts in semi faded marker?

Thank you!

[pennswoodsman]

You ever take a nap at 2 pm until 330 pm then feel burned out all freakin’ day? Yeah that’s me right now. I’ve felt pretty crappy all week. I’m currently sitting on my father’s front stoop here in what was supposed to be my home too.

A few nights ago I had a long phone conversation with Lauren. She told me she was on the verge of death again. Said her baby daddy m, who is supposed to be helping her with her every day stuff is leaving her to die. Took the kids with him and is purposely leaving her alone. She said he made her erase all her dating apps and said to their children “your mother fucks other men”. Of courses this appalled me. I gave her a sympathetic ear and calmed her down. Told her if only I asked her out when she was my waitress on one of the many times Bill and I were at Xandos all these years ago, maybe all of her troubles would be avoided. It was fun to fantasize for a minute. Yes, I know that means my and her sons technically wouldn’t be born but if instead we had the 2 sons maybe I can pretend it’s like Kevin and Nathaniel are still with me, just with a different mother. We ended the conversation with her telling me she loves my voice and it was so nice talking to me. That night I had a dream I was making out with Anna Harris. It was the first time we ever met and the sexual chemistry took us both by surprise and we were all over each over. When I woke up I realized Anna and Lauren look a lot alike, which is probably why it was Anna instead of Lauren in the dream. So skip ahead to the following afternoon. My sons are back with me after I was out all day running errands. I open up Facebook for the first time since the morning and I see Lauren had written like 10 updates. Mostly “I’m dying I’m dying” messages. But others were calling out her baby daddy for not being there. But she also called him her boyfriend. Another one sad she wants her family, which she specified was her children and their father, but added “(boyfriend!!)” to be by her side. Now, obviously the part about her sons being there makes perfect sense. But I was all like “wait…what?” Then I read more. Her other friends were saying how her baby daddy already told her where he was going and that they’ll be right back. Another one said “Why do you keep calling Mike out publicly like this when you already knew what is going on. You know what you’re doing could be considered abusive too”. I realized that I’m probably getting played. No wonder she “forgot” to call me a month or so ago so we could spend time together. And my trying to continue to be somewhat of a sweet talker was all pointless. Just felt like yet another disappointment. I know it’s not a big deal or anything but it’s just another bit of bullshit that got me questioning everything about everything she’s told me. ugh

I sometimes get depressed. I am trying to accept that I’ll most likely be single for the rest of my life. And let’s face it, if for. I other reason but because I’m a total slob and most women wouldn’t tolerate that. Kristan I’m sure would have broken up with me after a few months had I not insisted on coming to her most of the time. I miss her but I’m also kinda embarrassed that I told her I wanted her back and she flat out rejected me. And the fact that she brought up how “sometimes a girl needs a hard dick. No offense” wtf am I supposed to say to that?! I mean, I know it’s true. I’m not denying that part. It, was that really necessary to tell me? Ugh, I’m getting upset writing this. Mostly because I can only work with what I have and even though I would give her multiple orgasms every night we were together, it all comes back to having ED and therefore I can never really give her what she, and all women will ultimately want. Maybe she mostly remembers how I couldn’t get an erection for real sex more than half the times we were together. I dunno. But we broke up in February and I haven’t done anything with anyone since.

I still get flashes of anger at Dawn. But it’s not so much all the cheating anymore. It’s just the lie I lived that I have still not been able to re-create (or what I thought I had) in any shape or form. Grant it, I don’t want to be married again, or really live with another woman. and yes, I am a pain the ass to live with too (another reason I don’t want to live with another woman. Because I don’t want her to dump me out of disgust) and I have plenty of bad habits and I never blamed Dawn for being pissed at most of the things that pissed her off. Which is why I get anxiety thinking how I’ll die alone and be forever fixated on finding a woman. It’s my worst trait…I mean, as far as my mental health is concerned.

Anyway, I want to end this boring cliche rant of mine with a shot of the last woman I met via OLD. This was today, actually. Heh…I probably will never hear from her again considering how the conversation went…which is fine with me! Lol

[rosemarydisaster]

I love Mighty Nein, but some people really want to push this narrative that the second campaign is the bestest ever and does everything more and better than Vox Machina. And that's just really mean for no reason? You can have a favorite campaign without having to justify it by saying it's the best and everyone else is wrong. Vox Machina and Mighty Nein are two very different campaigns in tone, characters, structure, plot... obviously each one is better in different categories!

This post is inspired specifically by some people trying to push the narrative that Mighty Nein is way darker than Vox Machina. That's just not true, simply because the characters in MN are way less broody and simply don't relish in the drama of it all. If there's a tense situation they tend to diffuse it with a joke or find a way to solve it creatively without violence. Those are the strengths of Mighty Nein. Sure, it makes it really difficult to achieve the same level of fucked up darkness VM had, but they don't have to. The tone of the campaign is completely different and it's own, it doesn't need to be darker.

Now, for funsies, because I'm certain most of the people trying to make this point haven't actually watched VM (which you're free to not do, just don't compare something you haven't watched) I'm going to make a list of the darkest moments in VM:

(Warning, shit ton of spoilers for Campaign one and The Legend of Vox Machina. At the end of the post I also mention some spoilers for Mighty Nein)

-Vecna having the twins 8-10 year old sister inside his ribcage to distract them and make himself more difficult to hit.

-Vecna mind controlling Gilmore, Kaylie and Cassandra, making them pretend to be death nights so VM would kill them on accident. Which happened, and meant that they killed Scanlan's daughter and Percy's sister by mistake (they revivified them, but still, that was hard to watch)

-The Chroma Conclave destroying a city and killing quite a few important members of the council, including the king. We even had a scene in which they find Gilmore almost dead with the implication being, if they've stopped to loot, he'd be dead.

-When The Rakshasa took Gilmore's face and lured Vax to the balcony so he could stab him and throw him over the railing. Specially giving the emotional rollercoaster that was for Vax, thinking that he had hurt Gilmore by rejecting him only to discover this was someone else, and Gilmore might be dead.

-The entirety of Scanlan's quitting speech. That hurt.

-The Briarwoods hanging innocent people from the Sun Tree and disguising them as Vox Machina to send a message.

-The Briarwoods manipulating and brainwashing Cassandra the Rolo to fight for them.

-Anna Ripley torturing Percy when he was still a child.

-No Mercy Percy (almost matched by Caleb in the sanatorium stealing the necklaces)

-Artagan casually wanting to choke Vax to death and doing so in a scene so grotesque and utterly unsettling the entire cast was like "Wtf Matt??"

-The whole "Keyleth killed a child" pre campaign.

-Vex's death in the Raven Queen's champion tomb. How sudden it was, how Vax was just fucking around somewhere else and in a second his entire world is ended. "Take me instead you raven bitch".

-Percy's death just because of how frustrating and painful it was, dieing to the woman that help destroy your family. And the way the rest of Vox Machina went absolute bat shit after that, destroying Ripley completely, turning her to pulp... sheesh.

-Vax's death and all that comes with it. The death itself, the wish that almost was, the goodbyes. It was the most painful thing I've ever watched.

-Tary's father being homophobic. This one is kinda on par with Beau's father, but there's an extra layer of ickyness when you know that he specifically disowned him for being gay. Just, ew. There's a reason why Matt hated playing him.

And those are all the moments that to this day have not been matched in my opinion. Now this is due mostly to the attitude the MN carry themselves with. The Hag or the final battle at cognoza could have easily matched the intensity and darkness of this list, but the characters in MN are not brooding reluctant heroes, they're funny motherfuckers that literally laugh in the face of danger. They even manage to make fun of Trent at some points (though that's the darkest plotpoint on MN). Vox Machina are also fanny, but it's usually in between plot beats. The love potion scene is to this day my favorite CR thing, but there are things they don't laugh about, and that allows them to be darker.

In conclusion, the Mighty Nein are not the darkest campaign, not because bad things or traumatic things didn't happen to them, but because of how they handled them. And that's not a bad thing at all, it just means that they are better at being wholesome and funny in dramatic situations. And you're free to prefer it that way, but please, there's no need to shit on Vox Machina to compliment Mighty Nein. MN can't be the better campaign at every single thing, both campaign have their strength and weaknesses.

You're allowed to like whichever you want most, because taste is entirely subjective. But the product itself is not subjective, so saying things like "in my opinion Mighty Nein is way darker than Vox Machina in tone" is not an opinion, it's an incorrect fact. Just say you like the darker moments of Mighty Nein better than the dark moments of Vox Machina.

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

Cult Girl: Doctorate (Hannibal x Pregnant!Female!Reader) pt. 14

Hannibal reads too much into Max's attempt to reconcile and cult girl revisits her past.

@wisesandwichshark @pearlstiare

Trigger warnings: discussions of death, abandonment, military casualties, emotional abuse

You soon returned to the opera knowing you had nothing to hide. Hannibal selected for you an off-white maternity gown so form-fitting it was practically painted on. He wanted everyone to see that you, his queen, empress and goddess, were carrying his child.

It only took that evening for the whole dynamic to change. Suddenly, you were an expectant new mother. Imogen had been a massive hit, you were planning to go again.

You were affixing your heavy cubic zirconia earrings when you heard a knock at the door. You hesitated, but hurried down the stairs when you saw who it was.

"Max?" You said, upon opening the door. He stood there awkwardly, holding a bouquet of flowers. "Hi?"

"Hey, [F/N]." Max greeted, eyes darting nervously around the porch. "I just came around to apologize in person. I'm sorry I was such a chauvinist prick."

You leaned against the door. "Oh?"

"You were right." He continued. "I don't know what it's like to carry a baby, and, unless something goes very wrong, I never will."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that." You smiled.

"Anyway, these are for you." He said, handing the bouquet over. "They're chrysanthemums."

"Thank you, Max." You said, accepting the flowers.

"Archie and I-" He scratched the back of his head. "We thought that, maybe, if you'd still have us, that we'd name the baby Chrysanthemum. With your permission, of course."

"Like the picture book?" Your face lit up. "With the little mouse girl?"

Max nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, exactly."

You hugged the bouquet into your chest and considered it again. You looked back at Hannibal, who hadn't looked up from his expectant fathers' website for a second all day. He surrounded himself with books about child psychology, attachment theory, developmental behavior patterns and somehow found himself on a tangent about institutionalized misogyny in medicine.

"I'm sorry, Max." You said, sincerely. "I really do appreciate you coming down here and apologizing, but-"

Max put his hands up and gave you a disarming smile. "I understand. Plans change."

"I just really want to stress that it's not you." You assured him. "I've kind of... really grown to like the idea of being a parent. And I think that was Hannibal's plan all along, too."

"I believe a congratulations is in order, then." His voice turned up in delight. "I'm very happy for you. Both of you."

You clutched the bouquet to your chest. "Thank you."

"Well, I'd better get going." He stepped backwards down the stairs. "I've got three pints of Ben and Jerry's in the backseat and Archie'll have my head if I come home and they've melted."

"Max, wait." You stopped him before he could get down the driveway.

"Hm?"

You leaned against the threshold and smiled warmly. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"

Max returned the smile. "Of course not."

You waved goodbye and shut the door. You hurried to the kitchen to put the flowers in water before you had to go.

"Who was that, love?" Hannibal asked, half-heartedly. He was still very fixated on his research.

"Max Thomas-Park." You answered, unwrapping the flowers from the decorative plastic.

Hannibal looked up from his computer, but left the room silent for you to fill.

"He wanted to make amends." You explained. You walked across the room to the china cabinet and selected a vase big enough to hold the ornate bouquet. "Brought flowers and everything."

"Chrysanthemums?" He asked, sniffing the air.

"I see your sense of smell is coming back." You commented.

"Interesting selection." He narrowed his eyes on the bouquet.

"Well, he said that was what he wanted to name the kid." You offered. "It was a cute pitch, not gonna lie."

Hannibal shut his laptop and examined the bouquet up close. "If he wanted to express regret, he would have done better to bring you blue or purple hyacinths."

"Well, like I said." You made a point to project a little more. "He said he wanted to name his daughter chrysanthemum."

"Mums are given to show sympathy for those in mourning." Hannibal continued, clearly having his own conversation.

"Hannibal-"

"I think your cousin got her hooks in him and he's planning to--" He cut himself off, lest he speak the unthinkable into reality. "That's why he brought mourning flowers."

"Max Thomas-Park is conspiring with Anna to kill our unborn baby?" You said, flatly, to emphasize how insane he sounded.

Hannibal held a bloom between his fingers and looked closely at it. "It's the kind of hint I would leave. For courtesy's sake."

"I think looking at parenting blogs all day has made you a little paranoid." You observed, knowing full well that an overprotective husband and soon-to-be father of your child was not a bad problem to have. Nevertheless, you shut the laptop and touched his cheek. "Come on. We're going to be late for the opera."

You heaved yourself into the passenger's seat of the car, feeling the seat give beneath your heavy frame. Every time you got into the car, you remembered that you needed to shop for a car seat. The thought just as soon left your mind every time. 

“We need to look for a car seat.” You said as Hannibal shut the door, hoping that he’d remember. 

“I mean,” Hannibal blurted out, still lost in his own conversation. “Max is a cultured and well-educated man. He has to know the implications of his flowers.” 

You huffed, dreading to think that paranoid delusion was symptomatic of his parenting style. “Right. The twenty-seven year old data analyst who graduated with a finance MBA from UChicago is also proficient in the outdated and frivolous language of flowers.” 

“In Italy, mums are only given as comfort for loss.” Hannibal said with undeserved conviction. “Exclusively, [F/N].” 

You rolled your eyes and typed something up on your phone. You raised your eyebrows, feeling a bit proud of yourself for what you found. 

“In Korea, y’know, the country that Max’s family is from,” You corrected. “The chrysanthemum is a symbol of friendship.” 

Hannibal tensed up for a moment, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. It was as if he were trying to break himself out of a trance. “...I’m sorry, darling.” 

“I know you’re scared.” You stared at his profile, trying to make out an expression. “I’m also... pretty scared. But you can’t take it out on a guy who has nothing to do with it.” 

“I am scared.” He affirmed, but the way in which he did was a telltale sign that he wasn’t giving you the full story. 

“Of?” You raised your eyebrow. “Finish the sentence, Hannibal.” 

"I need to keep our baby safe." He answered. "And I cannot in good conscience let her come into the world knowing that someone wants to hurt her. To hurt you."

You sighed. "Hannibal, are you seriously still worried about Anna?"

"Don't underestimate the role privilege and entitlement plays in the decision to commit acts of violence." He enunciated carefully. "You of all people should know that."

"Anna has cultivated such a perfect victim image to project outwardly that even a hint of proactive violence would shatter it." You explained. "She's the poor girl who has things done to her. Her evil cousin ruined her marriage. Her evil cousin destroyed her career. And she's the innocent victim in all of it."

"Logically, I know that you can speak on her behavior with more authority than I." Hannibal admitted.

"No shit." You scoffed. "I had to live with her."

"Can we at least entertain the idea that she has something planned?" He pleaded.

"I'm surprised at you." You said. "You never really struck me as the overly-cautious type."

Hannibal shook his head. "With my own life, I'm willing to gamble. But not when it's you. And not when it's Imogen."

You tensed up. His admitted willingness to put himself in danger unlocked a core memory you had buried deep down. The only thing you knew about your own father was that he was willing to put himself in danger. To go overseas and die for fuck-all instead of live for the child he selfishly created then abandoned. He chose to give his life for oil. You didn't choose to grow up without a father and your mother didn't choose to raise a child without a partner. He made that choice for you.

"Now what are you not telling me?" Hannibal broke you out of your trance. "I know that look, [F/N]."

"Nothing." You shook your head. "You should really not plan on dying anytime soon."

"I promise you, I am not going anywhere." His voice softened. "Least of all, to Iraq."

"Okay, you're a pretty good therapist but you never told me you could read minds." You threw your hands up in defeat. "Are you a psychiatrist or are you Loki?"

"As fun as being the god of mischief would be," Hannibal smiled to himself. "I just happen to have a steel-trap memory and an admittedly quite obsessive fixation on the mental health of the mother of my child."

"I swear to god I never told you about him." You denied. "Not even in passing."

"You didn't have to." He assured you. "Beatrice did."

You were surprised for a fraction of a second until the information sat in your head long enough to realize it wasn’t surprising in the slightest. Beatrice took every opportunity she got to brag about her son's sacrifices. She never once mentioned the sacrifices he forced upon you. Only that her son was a hero.

"Did you get the 'don't believe anything [F/N] has to say about my son' speech?" Your voice flattened in complete non-surprise.

"It was a prepared speech?" Hannibal chuckled. "Pity. I thought I was special."

"She gave it to my first boyfriend." You rolled your eyes. "We were, like, fifteen."

"The root of your psychological issues becomes clearer every time we talk about Beatrice." He commented under his breath.

"I know." You conceded.

He pulled into the parking lot, turned the car off and placed his hand over yours.

"Your father was a coward." He said, bluntly. It was nice to hear what had been echoing in the back of your head out loud for once. "I know no country to serve. No god to glorify. I promise, you have the whole of me. My mind, body and soul belongs to you and our child."

You squeezed his hand. "I couldn't ask for anything else."

[chaoticdean]

Supernatural and the topic of found family — family don’t end in blood… or does it?

I know I’ve talked a great deal about the way the complete erasure of both Cas and Eileen from the two final episodes of SPN made my blood boil, but after careful consideration and a lot of talking with several very clever people (you know who you are), I think what hurt me the most on top of it all is the way Supernatural decided to essentially throw away an entire section of what made the show what it was for the best part of the last decade and a half: the topic of found family, and how they’ve carefully crafted so many important side characters and relationships only to throw them all away for the sake of having one last episode essentially disconnected from the rest of the story. 

[Because I’ve talked about in great length over the course of the past week and a half, and although there are undoubtedly more issues with Supernatural’s series finale than just this (ie: the Destiel treatment and the queer erasure, along with the complete erasure of Eileen, the only disabled character this show has ever known), I’m going to concentrate solely on the treatment of found family, and why its erasure from the finale storyline is deeply upsetting on top of being utterly inexplicable. If you want to read an incredible article about this, I’d redirect you to @chill-legilimens article’s, The Trauma of Silence]

When Supernatural started airing in 2005, the show essentially focused on Sam and Dean and their relationship, with a dash of John Winchester and mending the broken pieces between a father and his sons into the mix. The first side character that gets introduced to the audience as some sort of surrogate father to both Winchesters is Bobby (1x22, Devil’s Trap), and he quickly became a fan favorite to the fandom. Interestingly enough, Bobby is also the one who comes up with the “Family don’t end with blood” line (if I’m not mistaken, the first time it’s said on the show is during 3x16, No Rest for the Wicked). Once this line gets said, it quickly became more than just a slogan within the fandom, and it’s often referenced as a motto for the show as well (Dean even uses it during his talk with Crowley in season 10 to explain what family means).

Over the years, so many characters got introduced and became fan favorites (off the top of my head, I can come up with half a dozen already) and have grown within the show, to the point where they’re introduced to the audience as some sort of found family to both Dean and Sam. The boys get invited to Jody Mills’ and her wayward daughter’s house for dinner, spend what can only be qualified as a slumber party watching Game of Thrones with Charlie Bradbury in the bunker, keep running around and bickering with Crowley, spends time in the bunker with Eileen (the margaritas and Sam and Eileen being hungover the morning after in the bunker’s kitchen lives rent-free in my head). Even the Ghostfacers keep popping in almost every season for a decade. The audience gets to learn who these characters are and connect with them on several levels, most of them also becoming fan favorites over time.

But if I had to pick only one side character to make a point, Castiel is undoubtedly the one that comes to mind first.

When Misha Collins came along during season 4, he was only supposed to be in for a couple of episodes and be done with it. But because of his masterful performance (and because the character of Anna, who gets introduced around the same time as Castiel, doesn’t seem to work as well as the writers thought it would), Misha stayed along for the whole ride, and ended his run on Supernatural 12 years and 144 episodes later, with a character that is so beloved by the fandom that it elevated him to the rank of third lead. Castiel is not only an angel of the Lord, he’s also Sam and Dean’s best friend who would do anything to protect them (and, well, has done so, multiple times). He’s grown within the show to the point where the audience directly refers to him as being one of the family, even though he’s not blood, because “Family don’t end with blood” after all.

Another example that is particularly telling over the course of the last couple of seasons is the treatment of Jack’s character, who’s quickly adopted by the boys and referred to as “their kid”, the three of them acting like surrogate dads even though in the end, Jack is Lucifer’s son. Once again, the show makes a point of showing the audience that although Jack is not related to Sam and Dean in any way (I’m guessing since Lucifer is basically Castiel’s brother, he is somewhat related to Cas, but since I don’t have a degree in angel DNA, I can’t 100% be sure), he’s still family, he still matters.

The story basically tells the audience that even though you might not have a blood-related family, that doesn’t prevent you to find people along your life’s journey that becomes intrinsically connected to your story, both on a deeply emotional and practical level. It tells you that you’re not required to have a blood family to be someone’s kid, or sister, or brother. It tells you that blood doesn’t define who you choose to share your life with, and most importantly, it tells you that you’re allowed to choose.

So why on Earth did anyone think that ending Supernatural’s 15-year run with an episode that essentially showcases Sam and Dean and sidelines the wide majority of the family they found along the way (with the exception of OG Bobby showing up in Heaven) was a good idea?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Bobby, I really do… But what was the excuse for not having either Misha back (the literal third lead of the show, who confessed to being in love with Dean, the second lead of the show, two episodes prior), or Alex (Jack being one of the main focus of the past two seasons at least)? I get that Covid made all of this difficult, but you can’t tell me you’ve been able to bring back Mark Pellegrino’s Lucifer for a two minutes and a half cameo in 15x19, but not Misha fucking Collins to end his character’s arc (and Dean’s, who’s arc is deeply wired with Castiel’s) after 12 years. 

I’m gonna say it again, because I feel like it’s been used as an excuse for everything ever since the finale aired: Covid cannot be the sole excuse for everything. It cannot account for the absence of literally EVERYONE around the Winchesters.

At that point, I should probably add that although I was incredible baffled by the one-off mention of Cas (well, two, if you count Sam saying he misses him and Dean deflecting during the Pie Fest at the beginning of the episode), what probably set me off the most is the part of Dean’s death speech where he says “when it all came down to it, it was always you and me, it’s always been you and me”. 

I’m sorry Dean, you know I love you to pieces, but what the actual fuck was that? What does it even mean? That single line essentially strips away any kind of meaningful contribution of any side characters… Including Castiel “always happy to bleed for the Winchesters”’s, and Jack’s who quite literally saved the whole world ONE EPISODE PRIOR.

Not to mention that the fact we don’t get to see Cas again leave Dean’s entire character’s arc incomplete. What was the point of season 15, which focused so deeply on Dean and Cas’ relationship, if in the end the entire character’s arc gets dropped?

So what’s the message being sent here? 

“Found family was a myth, it’s always been sorely about the Winchesters”? 

“Ha! Tricked ya!”?

Why did Supernatural, after a decade and a half spent consolidating the contribution of side characters, decided to essentially throw it all away?

Why did Supernatural, after a decade spent crafting meaningful relationships within the show, decided to light it all up on fire and end its run with an episode that basically tells the audience that none of it really mattered, it’s always been sorely about Dean and Sam.

I would’ve been fine with a Sam and Dean episode if Castiel had more than a one-off mention, if they didn’t give Sam a blurry wife, if Dean had the funeral he deserved (with a rock band, whisky, and all the fellow hunters and family he found along the way), if Sam didn’t spend the rest of his life mourning his brother. I would’ve been fine with only getting Jim Beaver on screen (because Covid) if we had been given something more than just Dean driving for his last 5 minutes on screen. It would have been FINE, if Supernatural hadn’t essentially forgotten about what made Supernatural, well, Supernatural.

Long story short, I feel tricked. And I know a lot of you feel tricked too, because this isn’t what we’ve been fed for the past 15 years. Supernatural was a show about finding your way through life and death and horror and trauma, with help from people you found along the way who became linked to your story because you cared for each other. And Supernatural ended by telling us that found family didn’t really matter, that Dean was always going to die on a random hunt, that Sam could never be truly happy without his brother by his side. Talk about a downgrade, uh?

I don’t know why they decided to throw their entire legacy to the wind. Truth be told, I don’t think we’ll ever get to know. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to stay pissed about it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to ever be okay with my favorite show deciding to end its run with a finale episode so deeply disconnected from their 15-year story that it felt utterly shallow.

They said “Family don’t end with blood”… But after all of this, doesn’t it, though?

[matthewfairchildfanclub]

TSC except it's incorrect quotes and it's part 2 and it's really fucking long sorry.

Cordelia: I like your top.

James, wearing a very bright shirt: Thank-

Matthew: Thanks dude, I like you to.

_

Anna: Gender is a game and I have the cheat codes.

_

Clary, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti caramel macchiato with, uh... seven shots of espresso.

Simon, behind her: Jesus Christ, Clary, just do cocaine.

_

James: If you were to die, what would be your last words?

Matthew: Finally.

James: No-

_

Izzy, on the phone with Magnus: Is it okay if I bring my weird roommate?

Simon: Would you please stop calling me that.

_

Clary: You sure you're sober enough to drive?

Jace: Yeah, I didn't drink anything.

Clary: Okay, go get the car.

Alec: [running after Jace]

Clary: It's okay, he's sober!

Alec: HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!

_

Will: Jem, you have beautiful eyes.

Jem: You too.

Tessa: ...

Tessa: Did I miss something?

Will: I'm straight, I just like his eyes.

Tessa: You're gay for his eyes.

Will: Exactly!

Will: Wait, no

_

Lucie, walking out in a new outfit: How do I look?

Matthew: Holy shit, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

Lucie: Excuse you?!

Matthew: No, not you, the thing sitting beside you.

Alastair: Fuck you.

_

Magnus: You sure know a lot about the law.

Julian: I do a lot of borderline illegal shit.

_

Cordelia: Lucie! Don't let go!

Lucie, dangling from the side of the cliff: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LET GO?!

_

Kit: I think I forgot to sleep because I was looking at memes.

Dru: If you ever wonder why you have no friends, just remember that sentence.

_

Christopher: Oh, tiddlywinks.

Matthew: JUST SAY FUCK

_

Will: Swear words are banned in this house, if you say one you'll be grounded.

Matthew: Heck.

Will: You're on thin fucking ice, kid.

_

Jace: You may not know this, Alec, but I'm a flawed person.

Alec: I do know that.

_

Dru: [reading the exorcist]

Dru: [laughs]

_

Matthew: I know you can be "underwhelmed" and you can be "overwhelmed" but...

Matthew: Can you ever just be whelmed?

James: ...

Christopher: I think you can in Bulgaria!

_

James: I think I'm in love with Cordelia.

Grace: Congratulations! You're officially the last one to know.

_

Tessa: James, what are you doing here? Weren't you making spaghetti tacos with Mattew, Christopher, and Thomas?

James: Well, I was.

Tessa: ... was?

James: Well, I- it was just getting hot downstairs because of the fire.

Tessa: THE WHAT?!

(Downstairs the kitchen is completely on fire)

Christoper, looking around while Matthew and Thomas try to put the fire out with olive oil: Oh, this isn't good.

_

Jace: Please shut up.

Simon: Well, since you asked nicely, no.

_

Will: No pain, no gain!

Matthew: But I'm in constant pain and I've lost everything-

_

Matthew: If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my evening affairs.

James: You mean drinking wine and eating gummy bears until you pass out on a chaise?

Cordelia: Or reading Layla and Majnun and crying in the bath because they didn't deserve it?

Lucie: Or shouting your own poetry from your balcony?

Matthew: All three, in that order.

_

Will: What have I told you about comparing Tatiana to the devil?

Lucie: ... that it's offensive to the devil?

_

Jamie: These people are my friends!

Jamie: I've known them for twelve hours!

_

Clary: What are we gonna do?

Simon: Don't worry, you're so small they probably won't see you.

Clary: Simon, is this really the time to be making short jokes?

Simon: Clary, it's never not the time, because just like you, life is short.

_

Matthew, drunk: Always strive to eat the stars.

Lucie, half asleep: Aren't they too hot?

Matthew: Blow on them first, idiot.

_

Cashier: Would you like your check?

Ty: If someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi, but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me.

Cashier: Sir?

Ty: I want to speak to a lawyer.

_

Magnus: If you had to choose between Jace and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you choose.

Alec: Depends. How much money are we talking about?

Jace: Alec????

Magnus: Eleven cents.

Alec: Sold.

Jace: ALEC?!!??!?!

_

Alastair: Cursing is for those who have a limited vocabulary.

Matthew: You are an audacious, ideologically unsound, captious, presumptuous, motherfucker.

_

Clary: Hey, uh, maybe we need Simon's help with this one?

Jace: I would literally rather die.

_

Cristina: Name a way to be nice to people.

Kieran: Don't stab them.

Cristina: ...

Cristina: Setting the bar a little low but I'll allow it.

_

Tessa: Where have you been?

Will: Emotional hell.

_

Kit: I made you all of you into Sims, look.

Jace: Where are you?

Kit: I'm in the grave in the backyard.

Jace:

Clary:

Jace: Put me there to.

Clary: Oh my god-

_

Emma: I have the sharpest memory, name one time I forgot something.

Zara: You forgot me in a Walmart parking lot, like, three weeks ago.

Emma: I did that on purpose, try again.

_

Matthew: Will, did you know "thot" means "thoughtful person."

Will: Really? I did not know this modern slang.

(later)

Will: Thank you for helping me with the stables, Tessa, you're such a thot.

Tessa, wheezing: I'm a WHAT?

_

Julian: [choking]

Kit: I'm trying to call 911 but the 9 button isn't working!

Dru: Just flip your phone upside down and use the 6.

Julian, stopping his choking for a second: What the fu-

_

Emma, getting in the front seat: Alright, is everyone ready to go?

The Blackthorns: Yep!

Emma: Okay, let's go.

(looks into the mirror to see Zara running after the van)

Emma: [whispers to herself] Goodbye you little shit.

_

Cordelia: What the hell is going on??

Matthew: Oh, great, you heard my cry for help.

Cordelia: You mean your girly scream?

Matthew: I MEAN MY CRY FOR HELP

_

James: The risk I took was calculated.

James: But holy shit am I bad at math.

_

Izzy and Magnus: [getting arrested at a protest]

Cop: Fake ID's, fake credit card. Got anything on you that's real?

Izzy: My tits.

Magnus: My ass.

_

[in a group chat]

Dru: Adding "lmao" does not hide your pain.

Kit: Yeah it does lmao.

_

Matthew: Excuse me, who made James the boss of the group.

Christopher: You did.

Thomas: You said, "James should be the boss".

Lucie: And then you said, "lets vote," and it was unanimous.

Cordelia: And then you made him a plaque that says, "Boss Of Us".

Anna: And put little sparkles all over it.

Matthew: ... All valid points.

_

Matthew: And once again, James and Matthew save the day.

Lucie: You didn't do anything.

Thomas: It was all James.

Matthew: We're a package deal. Everyone knows that.

_

Jem: I am not "too nice"!

Will: Jem, you apologized-

Jem: I have manners!

Will: -to the waiter who spilled soup on your lap.

_

Kit: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Kit: [punches a wall]

Kit: Take me to the hospital.

_

Julian: People ask me how I handle the rest of my family so easily.

Julian: The truth is, I don't.

Julian: I have no control over them.

Julian: I walked into the house today and Mark shot me in the neck with a nerf gun.

_

(At a New Years Eve party)

Alec, to the TMI gang: I would like to make a toast!

Alec, raising his glass: I cannot believe we have gone through another twelve months of absolute fuckery.

Alec: Cheers!

[la0hu]

really pissed off at my mom. i called her yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks. she brought up the will smith oscars thing, and we got into this intense argument over it and i literally had to tell her "i don't want to talk about this anymore because this actually seriously upsets me for all the reasons i already told you. and i'm upset with you over this thing that you brought up." then we talked some about miles and what he got on the ACT, and mom was like "i didn't show my disappointment, i just didn't say anything," and i was like "mom, obviously you reacting to his score by literally saying nothing about it is clearly showing disapproval. why didn't you say something encouraging or tell him it's a good score?" and she said "but it wasn't a good score" like 1) untrue imo and 2) that's literally not the fucking point. then we started talking about my dating life and she kept advising me to not expect to find someone who "agrees with me on everything." and then i explained that obviously i'm not that fucking immature and there's also a difference between a guy not agreeing with my opinion on death of the author and a guy not agreeing with my opinion on something like blacklivesmatter. then she started trying to say like "well you are still very immature and this is a major reason why, because you can't handle people who have different opinions than you" and i cut her off and said, no actually i don't accept that, because i literally am the one out of my friends most likely to be open to people that my friends would ignore or disdain on principle. then when i mentioned that i was talking to some guys from hinge and trying to see how the conversation goes, she tells me actually i'm being childish for that too, because actually she never could talk at length with dad about anything and occasionally he says shit she doesn't like, but they had a functional marriage. and i was like "have you considered that maybe, maybe i could find someone who i like talking to, who is also physically attractive and kind?" and then i pointed out that i LITERALLY live with three prime examples of straight couples where the man is actually a good interesting person. like just because anna found a man who's hot and rich but with whom she can't talk about anything, and he's also lazy and inconsiderate to boot -- just bc she fucked up doesn't mean i'm gonna settle for that. i really @'d her too, i was like "growing up having only you and dad's relationship to reference, and then having anna and mike's as reference honestly made me wonder if relationships were just never going to feel as fulfilling or good as friendships." i literally said that. like i'm not taking the most batshit criticism from a woman who married a man she can't talk to, and i also don't give a shit what my older sister has to say either, because she married a man she can't talk to who ALSO is a useless inconsiderate piece of shit on top of being boring. like i'd rather die alone thanks

[365days365movies]

March 21, 2021: Orlando (1992)

Tilda Swinton...confuses me.

Like, in a good way. Because Tilda may be the most versatile actor working today. I mean, look at the goddamn filmography, and you’ll see what I’ve mean. I’ve seen Tilda Swinton in a lot, surprisingly, and I don’t think anything I’ve seen was bad. For example, I am an ARDENT defender in the portrayal of the Ancient One in the MCU.

I understand the controversy here, but I actually think this is excellent casting. Especially considering...being comic book-accurate would NOT have been a good idea with this role, if we’re trying to AVOID controversy. But Tilda Swinton FUCKING KILLED IT in this role, and I will always be happy for this choice.

Let’s see, there’s Jadis in the Narnia films, as shown at the top, there’s Snowpiercer, as Mason (an amazing character, and an acting job that Swinton disappears into), Moonrise Kingdom as Social Services, The Grand Budapest Hotel as Madame D., and Gabriel in Constantine. Which is a good segue to the next talking point...

Gabriel is pointedly androgynous, and honestly, Tilda Swinton kind of is as well. You may have noticed that I haven’t used any pronouns in referencing to Tilda Swinton, entirely out of respect. Gonna be a little hard to keep up with, so I’ll be using she/her from here on out, only because those are the pronouns that Swinton’s most recently promoted for herself. She’s also referred to herself as queer of some variety, as well as being famously gender non-conforming.

Which is fitting, given that a lot of that public image began with today’s movie, one of her first big roles. I’ll be revisiting Swinton in the independent movie scene in a couple of months, but this may be a good introduction. Instead of spoiling anything off the bat, I’m gonna jump right in. And so, I present: Orlando. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

We begin with a young man named, well, Orlando (Tilda Swinton), a young man with a feminine appearance and a good upbringing. His name means power land and property, but all he really wants is company. He writes and rests by a tree in the day, but falls asleep by mistake. When he wakes up, he runs back to where he’s meant to be, with a tribute to Queen Elizabeth I (Quentin Crisp) playing in the background. And that’s a REAL song, by the way, actually sung in the 1600s for Elizabeth! Very neat.

A title screen flashes, reading “1600: Death”, and we see where Orlando is meant to be. He speaks poetry for the Queen and her court, but is interrupted by the aged queen, who asks whether or not his poem is appropriate for her presence, as the poem is about youth, and Queen Elizabeth is not that. Orlando’s father (John Bott), who is serving as host to Elizabeth, intervenes on his behalf. However, it doesn’t seem to matter to the Queen, as she invites Orlando back to England to serve as her “favourite”. He accepts, and soon lives alongside the Queen. She quickly promises Orlando much land and property, for him and his heirs, but on one condition: that he does not fade, wither, or grow old. 

The same wish cannot be applied to Elizabeth herself, nor to his father, as both grow old and die soon afterwards. Fast forward 10 years, and it’s a cold winter in England. Visiting Orlando’s vast estate is a woman from Russia, named Sasha (Charlotte Valandrey), and Orlando quickly falls for her. This is to the dismay of Euphrosne (Anna Healy), his fiancée? I’m not sure, to be honest, but they’re definitely involved, and she’s definitely upset.

However, this is also a scandal for everybody else as well, not just because Orlando’s already engaged, but also because Sasha is Russian, during a particularly poor economic period for the country. Euphrosne angrily throws his ring back at him, and Orlando speaks directly to the audience, telling us that a man must follow his heart. The two go to his private cottage, and they start to make out, when Orlando suddenly comes down with intense melancholy.

Because this is such great happiness that he feels, but this happiness too will one day end. Which is, like, the most emo-shit I’ve ever heard, but I’m kinda here for it. And yet, that happiness does indeed end, when Sasha is forced to return to Russia, despite Orlando’s pleading for her to stay. He asks her to meet him at London Bridge, so that they may elope together.

Later, Orlando happens upon a performance of Othello, noting to us that it’s a terrific play. This is as the death of Othello is being played out, so that’s probably foreshadowing, right? Anyway, Orlando leads two horses through the thick fog, waiting for Sasha to arrive and come away with him. But as a storm sets in, there is no sign of Sasha. And Orlando stands there in the rain. Said rain, though, soon becomes ice, underneath his feet, floating away down the river, along with his hopes of a happy future with Sasha. The treachery of women, according to Orlando.

Over the next week, Orlando languishes in his bed, asleep for the entire time. Increasingly more servants are brought up to try and rouse him, only for him to remain asleep, no matter what they do. But then, he wakes up, noting that he can only conjure three words to describe women, none of them worth explaining.

Forty years later, and the title screen cries “Poetry”! And Orlando looks exactly the same. Guess he really took that whole “don’t grow old” thing from Elizabeth to heart, huh? He speaks to a poet, Nick Greene (Heathcote Williams), and gushes about his poetry, which is a pursuit that he loves greatly. But Nick is...well, Nick is kind of a dick, to be honest. Orlando wants only to share his love and his poetry with him, but Nick’s only in it for the money. Not a true artist, and he mocks Orlando’s poetry, which he reads only after Orlando offers him money. And then, he writes a poem mocking Orlando further, which angers Orlando...but doesn’t stop the money flowing to Nick.

Orlando moves onto his next pursuit, in 1700, in the next section: Politics. Now over 100 years old, Orlando becomes an ambassador to the Ottoman Empire, and travels to Constantinople. There, he receives a somewhat rough and awkward greeting, which Orlando is not helping with. They share some Turkish coffee, Orlando has trouble drinking that Turkish coffee, they drink a LOT of Turkish coffee, and they toast to multiple things, including the “beauty of women, and the joys of love.” Orlando pauses at this, and reveals that he is still suffering quite a bit of heartbreak. His Turkish friend, the Khan (Lothaire Bluteau), bonds with him about this.

After 10 years, Orlando has fully retreated into life as a Turkish man. This is interrupted by a British emissary, sent to bring him news of a new appointment and power from the Queen. However, something goes wrong when the Khan arrives and takes Orlando hostage. The city is under attack, and the Khan asks Orlando if he will help against their enemies. Orlando agrees, and gives them arms, and heads to help himself at the walls. There, he witnesses a man dying, and it shakes him greatly. And just like before, he sleeps it off for seven days. And then...she wakes up.

YUP. WHAT.

Yeah, um, Orlando is now a woman. Like she says: “Same person, just a different sex.” Which is a very interesting premise, not gonna lie. Looks like Orlando now has to live life as a woman, which is going to be...difficult in 1700s Turkey. Or England. Or anywhere. Or any time.

Still, Orlando approaches this new life with aplomb, and without really any needed caution. Parading in some awesome dresses, she greets fellow nobility as the lady Orlando. However, the emissary from earlier, Archduke Harry (John Wood), begins to recognize her as similar to the lord Orlando.

In speaking with a group of poets, however, Orlando learns EXACTLY what men think of women in this society, and it’s not even a little bit good. She leaves, enraged and embarrassed. Harry also speaks with her, assuming that she was a woman all along. However, Orlando’s in EVEN MORE shit, as she’s quickly served with papers that are an attempt to take away all of her property and titles, because Lord Orlando is legally dead, and Lady Orlando is a woman, which one of them says is basically the same thing. FUCKIN’ YIKES, BRUV.

Ah, but Harry tries to help by proposing to her ON THE FUCKIN’ SPOT. He believed that Orlando was perfect as both genders, and is happy to do it. However, Orlando understandably refuses, and after Harry tells her that she will die as a spinster, alone and dispossessed, she runs into a nearby hedge maze. And while in the hedge maze, time passes, and her outfit changes to match the period accordingly.

Forward 140 years now! The year is 1850, and a new chapter begins: Sex.

And as she runs from the maze, she runs into who else...but Shelmerdine (Billy Zane), a man who...Shelmerdine? SHELMERDINE? What fuckin’ witch cursed his entirely family line to have THAT name? That’s the kind of family that was named AFTER a bridge, not the other way around! WHAT KINDA NAME IS FUCKIN’ SHELMERDINE?

Well, I’ve looked it up now, and it is apparently a real name. So, if any Shelmerdines are reading this...I mean, I’m sorry, but also, FUCKIN’ SHELMERDINE? OK, back to Shelmerdine. He’s twisted his ankle falling off his horse, and Orlando is now taking care of him. She reveals, in the process, that she’s about to lose everything. The reasons for that aren’t quite said, but Shelmerdine offers a place at his side, back to the great free land of America.

After having a conversation about the roles of men and women in the world (which is interesting given the context of the film in general), the two fulfill the chapter’s imperative. And we never see the act, but we do get some interesting angles and hand-holding. But the next morning, this post-coital reverie is interrupted by the lawyers from the Queen. The lawsuits have been settled, and Orlando has been legally declared a woman, meaning that unless she has a son, all of her possessions will be lost.

Shelmerdine (I swear, every time I say that name, a fairy gets chlamydia) leaves as well, with the southwest wind. As he heads back to America to fight for freedom, Orlando stands in the rain, facing an uncertain future, and broken fully by the politics of the time period.

And then...the sound of planes overhead. Looks like a new time period once again, heading into the periods of World Wars, and Orlando is now...heavily pregnant. OH. FUCK. Welcome to the next chapter: Birth.

We jump past the period of World War II, and to the 1990s! Orlando is presenting a book to a publisher, and he believes that the book will sell. With her young daughter in tow, she finally goes back to her old mansion, now finally able to go back after losing it 100 years prior. The narration from the beginning repeats, recontextualized for Orlando’s new life. She is over 400 years old, and finally, FINALLY...she is happy.

And that’s Orlando! I think I loved it. Real talk, this was a fascinating movie, and I’m into it. I’m very much into it. I’m sure there’s more to be gleaned from this film, but I’m glad I watched it regardless. More in the Review, though! See you there!