#anything to get the itch to create stuff out of my head lmao

[protagonistheavy]

Yalso I played chapter one of Deltarune. I held off for so long for a couple reasons... One would be, I was hesitant to really engage with an Undertale "sequel" because I thought Undertale itself was such a complete universe/package. It didnt need a continuation, it satisfied everything it needed to do, so from the get-go, just a bit skeptical. Two would be, I didn't like this "demo" concept of releasing one whole complete chapter and then waiting an unknown amount of time for more. Id rather have just had the whole game at my fingertips ready to go.

But with chapter two out, decided I'd get going with it... I will say that I'm glad I DID wait, because I do think that had I just played chapter one by itself... I'd have been disappointed. Not drastically, but I'd be pretty bothered having to wait so long just to sink my teeth into more.

I also think chapter one is a weirdly paced experience. A lot of questions are sorta uncomfortably presented and unaddressed without resolution as a way to create a lot of mystery. I think it bothers me more because chapter one is full of SO much going on, it's kinda overpacked in that regard. Im kind of embittered with a feeling of FOMO, that if I dont spend the time searching every corner and inspecting everything multiple times, I might miss a secret. Lol in fact I rolled my eyes because I was flushing the toilet, classic video game activity, expecting to get different text... and I did it one LESS time than I needed to in order to get some extra dialogue. Ughbfbfb that type of stuff makes me itch so badly.

Okay but other than those really obscure complaints. Really enjoyed what I was getting into. I'm definitely scratching my head regarding a lot of details and how it connects to the first game lol but I guess that's intentional. I enjoy the new characters, though some definitely leap at me with a little TOO much personality, but, that's just Undertale I guess. I like Ralsei a LOT more than I expected, and I enjoyed Susie's anticts way less than I expected lmao. I do enjoy the trio dynamic they have, where Kris can play the straight guy to Susie, but Ralsie plays the straight guy for both when they're all together. Im kind of afraid to enjoy Lancer because I get the feeling his quirkiness is gonna be a lot less entertaining if he overstays his welcome.

Gameplay wise I just wish there was more lol. I wouldnt change anything for Deltarune because it serves the purpose of the game well, but god it makes me want to play a fuller RPG with mechanics like this. Something with an enemy variety of more than five lol and a more exciting world to traverse. So many cool ideas trapped in a game that isnt very interested in exploring them for very long.

[avrilsboy]

tagged by: @glitterfreckly ty rin luv u 

rules: answer 30 questions and tag others

name/nickname: abby 

gender: an woman

star sign: taurus sun 

height: 5′8″

time: 7:15p

birthday: may 11

favorite bands: last.fm says gorillaz, paramore, vampire weekend, death cab for cutie, margot and the nuclear so & so’s

favorite solo artists: last.fm says lorde, mitski,  bleachers, florence + the machine, dodie. & 2000s era avril of course 💖

song stuck in your head: atm, “klonopin” by ah-mer-ah-su, but this week it’s been ping-ponging between “secrets” by the weeknd, “pot & kettle” by the sonder bombs, and “his hands” by blegh

last movie you watched: happy together and i’m still sad abt it

last show: flowers 🥲 still fucking hurt about it

when did you create this blog: august 2010 😔

what do you post: tbh i don’t use this one so often anymore it feels like, but it’s mostly just for reblogging art, media interests, things that make me laugh, + music. used to be the home ground for all my personal shit though LMAO..... not so much anymore

last thing googled: how to stop clenching teeth at night 🙃 

other blogs: got one for fruits basket and one for astro stuff, and a handful of defunct ones

do you get asks: not on this one nah

why you chose your url: "it’s abigail and it’s got rat in it”

following: a handful of ppl

followers: yea!

average hours of sleep: honestly lately i haven’t been able to wake up/get out of bed very easily so like. probably 9-10 hours. 

instruments: can’t rly play anything but i do have a concert ukulele and a kalimba i impulse bought a couple summers ago. had an electric guitar many moons ago but i never learned how to play it.

what are you wearing: quite literally just wearing all back at the moment lmao. black mock neck / black jeans / black socks. + a simple long necklace w some rings on it that are fun to fidget w.

dream job: just wanna exist comfortably + be able to create. thinking of committing to a concrete job makes me itchy.

dream trip: i’m not a big fan of travel to be entirely honest but i do want to go back to scotland at some point.

favorite food: i favor most anything that involves coffee, dark chocolate, or cherries 

nationality: american

favorite song: god idk.... “two doves” by dirty projectors, “carry me ohio (alt version)” by sun kil moon, “don’t you see” by miracles of modern science, “i’m with you” by avril lmfao. 

last book read: technically in the middle of re-reading dream thieves from the raven cycle but my heart’s not rly in it at the moment. i’ve been itching to re-read the art of fielding by chad harbach and house of leaves by mark z. danielewski though

top three fictional universes you’d like to live in: honestly drawing a blank on this one so i’m gonna say none 😔 

tagging: have no idea who’s been tagged and who hasn’t so if u are a mutual have at it

[fyrapartnersearch]

one gay, please

hey there! you can call me dreamer. she/her, pan person who is Very enthusiastic about all things gay! 24, GMT timezone with quite the hectic sleep schedule, cat mom (will totally send you pics if you ask)! been writing on and off since i was like, 11? (i got exposed to the internet way too young lmao) i’m not gonna claim to be amazing at writing or anything, though. if you’d like to see a writing sample, just ask!

the roleplay stuff:

i love me some original roleplays! canon stuff isn’t my cup of tea unfortunately

i usually write in 3rd person, past tense (present tense is ok with me if you prefer!)

quality > quantity! i don’t pay attention to my word count tbh; i just write whatever’s appropriate for the situation. my minimum is probably around, like, 200-ish? and i can go up to 3k, maybe more. it really depends on what’s happening! but i always make sure to give my partner something to work with, ofc! i just Really like describing my character’s thoughts and feelings

my reply frequency varies depending on what’s happening in my life (which is nothing, currently). I really don’t think i can go for a post every day all the time, so it’s more of 2-3 times a week. even though i have nothing going on, sometimes i just wanna enjoy other hobbies that day or chill and binge random youtube videos, y’know? the upside is that the same applies to you: just because you *can* reply at to the roleplay doesn’t mean you *have* to in that given moment, and i’m more than happy just chatting!

which takes me to my next thing! ooc chatter is like, super important to me. no matter how good a person’s writing or characters are, if i feel like they’re very into talking with me, i get demotivated quickly. so *please* be open to talking! whether it’s discussing the roleplay and poking fun at our characters or just chatting about the day we’ve had and our hobbies, i would definitely like to at least attempt to be buddies!

i LOVE romance! however, it’s not a requirement, and i’m just as happy to do something platonic or like, see whether our characters have natural chemistry rather than pre-planning anything. unfortunately, i am Not into hetero romances between our characters. at all. but give me all your bisexual and gay and lesbian and nonbinary characters and i will be more than happy!

mature themes (alcohol, drugs, violence, smut, etc.) are a-ok. smut is also cool! i’ve honestly been wanting to try my hand at writing more smut, so if you’re also into that (with the plot still being the major focus tho) then that’s awesome! if not, fade to black is still fine with me! just let me know your comfort level with sexual topics and the other mature stuff because the last thing i wanna do is mention anything that will make you uncomfortable! that said, whether you’re fine with mature themes or not, please be 18+!! It’s just a comfort thing for me personally!

if we do go with smutty stuff, i’m not down with top/bottom dynamics, honestly. switching is where it’s at (or at the very least not forcing roles from the very beginning and letting things happen naturally)

limits:

-adult x minor

-master x slave

-alpha/beta/omega

-incest

-bestiality

-vore

-toilet stuff

-romanticized abuse

now that we are hopefully on the same page, you may be wondering, what about plot ideas? well, i do have those! however, i’m kind of looking for something centered more around our characters. there still has to be some kind of plot, of course, but i’m very interested in character interaction and development right now moreso than getting from point A to point B in the story as fast as we can. basically, i’ve got a bunch of characters of mine whom i’m itching to use and flesh out, and i’d love to put any of them against your character(s) and see what happens! my characters already have some sort of ongoing story or whatever so it definitely wouldn’t be hard to create something together! but if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, here are some plot concepts i’m really into that we can work out a plot for together:

-androids! i have an android oc whom i’m dying to try out, so any kind of world where androids exist would be amazing. i think his backstory could potentially make for quite an interesting plot too!

-angels, demons, fallen angels, demons kicked out of hell or just undercover. i. love. angels and demons. i’m up for pretty much whatever when they’re involved! i’ve also got a couple of plot ideas i could throw at you if this is the stuff you like!

-vampires, werewolves, fairytale creatures, monsters that should only belong in people’s worst nightmares. i LOVE anything supernatural.

-thieves, assassins, bounty hunters, royalty, etc. YES. things are bound to be action-packed when people like these come in! alternatively, anything kinda like dnd class-like stuff (archers, warlocks, fighters, etc.) would also be amazing!

-very into dark academia or ‘boarding school but it’s magic’ in general rn!

-any mix of the above would be spectacular too!

besides all this, don’t be afraid to come to me with your own ideas/concepts at all!! just because i didn’t list them doesn’t mean i’m not interested in them; these’re just off the top of my head!

contact info:

another_dreamer@yahoo.com

when you contact me, please tell me a bit about yourself and what you’d like to write together! i’ve got discord for OOC chatter, but i prefer to give those out after an initial email. take care!

[ivyandink]

a life update

if you’re interested! :) i know im the nosy person who loves reading about peoples’ personal lives, so if that’s you.... below the cut sis, i see you lol

I have been sooo absent from tumblr for months now! And I know I don’t owe any explanations or anything, but idk, I just thought it’d be kinda fun to share with you guys what’s been keeping my mind busy and away! So here goes nothin’.

I had one hell of a summer. Emphasis on hell. Read: Family DRAMA. Which left me in a pretty rough place mentally/emotionally. In a much, much better place with it all now (altho as I say that my crazy aunt has been texting me all day tryna drag me bag into stuff lol no rest for the wicked y’all). But, when you’re feeling kinda down, it’s hard to find the energy to create.

I am starting up my web design side hustle!!! Which has been a long time coming lol. I’ve been meaning to do this for years, but things never quite lined up or worked out. Last year, I finally felt like I was at a good place to start, so I have! This is by far taking up the most space in my brain for now, as I’m still getting things off the ground. It’s hard to balance starting a business while working full time, and also trying to have other hobbies/interests/social interaction lolol. PS: If you or anyone you know needs a website designed.... ;) just sayin’. I know a gal.......... me. It’s me. I’m the gal. Moving on. :)

I’ve been revisiting my novel. Idk if I ever talked about it much on here or just vaguely referenced it here and there? But last Spring (yikes almost a year ago.. BIG YIKES) I started a novel with the goal to finish by 2020. I wrote about 3 chapters and effectively scrapped it. lmao. So here we are! Revisiting the drawing board. FYI, this novel is an adaptation of my “Disapora” story if any of yall remember that hot ass M E S S-- aka, how Eli and Clem meet, fall in love and what not. My concept is to take my Ivy characters and kind of build them out their own book series... a series that would explore generational ties and relationships, and give me space to REALLY develop these characters I’ve loved so much. Like, I could gush and geek over this forever, but developing the old Elliot and Clementine into REAL characters (let’s be honest, their development had always been a little... lite lol) feels amazing, and seeing the same character yet also they’re so different?? It’s hard to explain, but it’s exciting, and fun, and a big, long-term project/goal of mine, and 2020 is the year I write the first book!!!! Or at least start it lol.

I lost my very best furry friend, my cat Juno, in December. See above for mental hardship making it hard to create. However, Seth and I have opened our hearts and home to two little ragdoll brothers , who we’ve had for a few weeks now, and are in love with. I think Juno would’ve really loved them too. ❤️ They’re a lil bad sometimes lol I like to think they’re in the preteen phase right now, and acting up and being extra. But they’re so cute and sweet and quirky, and already apart of our little family.

Then there’s just tons of misc things that have sucked up my time. Like: learning how to use my iPad Pro + Apple Pencil, creating a digital bullet journal with said iPad/Pencil combo, researching going back to college for my MSW to then become an LCSW (good LORD the acronyms in the field... kill m e) and become a therapist, researching houses we cannot afford???? literally wasting entire days looking on Trulia/Zillow/etc. lol, trying out a super DUPER extreme elimination diet to pinpoint some of my health issues (which i suspect might be autoimmune by nature, as it runs in the fam, despite me not being diagnosed-- and there is a lot of at the bare minimum anecdotal evidence that AI diseases are caused by food intolerances), went through a weird regression where I played Zelda for a few days lmao, and I’ve also taken up a daily manifestation journaling practice! And lord knows what else. :)

All of this is to say.... YEAH I’ve been busy. But here I am. I can’t make any promises to myself or others are my content, how often I’ll post, if I’ll ever even finish this dang story, or what. But!! That’s all good. :) I’m gonna let myself have fun with this hobby. Because for ME, I need something I can just have fun with. Read all the above points for things in my life that aren’t meant to be taken very seriously and leave no room for ‘just have fun with it’ and you’ll get it lolol. At the end of the day tho, I love tumblr, for as much shit as we all talk about it. It scratches a very particular itch for me, and it’s an enjoyable itch to scratch (???? weird metaphor but ok). It’s fun. I love the community (I’m good at blocking the icky blogs, and love my mutuals/followers/anons/people who interact). And I love having Like Ivy in the back of my head, getting ideas and inkings for it here and there, with no pressure on myself to do anything with it, right away. I want to keep this as my creative, free for all kinda space. But that might mean some radio silence here and there. I feel like most my main followers are also adults tho with busy lives??? So I’m sure y’all more than understand the struggle lolol. 

OH I almost forgot-- keep your 👀 peeled for the return of my Youtube channel this year! That was another fun hobby I enjoyed doing just for myself. I still need to figure out how I can make it work for me, in my new crazy life/schedule lol but alas!!!!! I’m a double scorpio and i LOVE a good challenge. Also might be a bit of a masochist??? So, I’ll figure it out, no worries lolol.

If you read this, and got all the way to the end without tapping out, I just wanted to say hey 👋 I see you. You’re awesome. I love you. Thanks for being interested in me. Also, we’re nosy creepers together, so we clearly have that in common 💁‍♀️ and idk! even if I’m not posting, I’m always lurking/around and always open to chat, answer asks, whatever. :) And if you have any questions about anything I wrote here, feel free to shoot them my way too!! All humans lowkey love talking about themselves (this post? case, and point oof). No shame~

Anyways-- thanks for reading!

[sarasfm]

Sarauniya “ Sara ” Davies, 24, pansexual, cisfemale, ISFP Enneagram 9w1; Pisces sun, Sagittarius moon, Pisces rising 1st year Advanced Encryption Major; did not go to a spy prep hs

Imma keep it real with you, chief, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I mean, obviously, I know what espionage is ; I’ve read books and articles, and I’ve seen Spy Kids and all the Charlies Angels and James Bond movies, but I genuinely think I need a minute to wrap my head around everything. Make that two weeks, because what’s this I hear about two murders ?  I literally just got sent here to be safe, I — I’m sorry, I’m freaking out. Give me five seconds, and we can start again, because I promise I can totally pretend this is all normal. @gallagherintro​

full name: sarauniya “ sara ” davies

dormitory room: 105

birthday: 20 march 1995

soundtrack: “ go gina ” by sza

favorite dish: efo riro

aesthetic:  when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of light reflecting from her earrings, eyeglasses perched on top of her head, and a caviar iphone always in her hands

Bio Points

her mom’s a nigerian baddie billionaire & her dad’s a soft academic brit

she grew up between london and abuja where their family’s business is based. it’s a trading enterprise, the largest industrial conglomerate in sub-saharan africa

she’s the eldest of three siblings, was raised to be prim & proper and groomed to run their family’s business. her family’s not pushy though and they’re really cool. very healthy dynamic so she doesn’t mind ; she loves her fam and would do it w a smile !

Coding is her Passion though. total dork. stayed up all the time just sleuthing and being an internet geek since she was a youngin’

loves education and is the type who would willingly stay in school to learn. has a degree in economics from harvard and was almost done with her mba when her littlest sister got abducted !  was it about business ? money ? who knows ! the sister’s fine now but her family sure is Scared especially since sara’s alone in the big bad united states

her mom made some calls and went “ gimbiya, look, u aint safe n we sorry. we’ll work something out to make sure u get ur mba degree somehow but shit is wild so we gotta get u somewhere near that’s safe asap. u like studying & ur a geek with computers right ? cool beans, go back to school & welcome to gallagher, babe ”

she enters gallagher in the middle of the spring semester very overwhelmed & inwardly ignoring how unhappy she is about having to be here bc she is not & does not want to be a spy. she just tryna distract herself by looking at this entire thing as a weird vacation where she can do stuff she wasn’t able to before because it’s literally detached from the world. she is mostly probably in way over her head, but let’s see ! 

Other Information

Nicknames: Sara (to everyone), gimbiya (to family, means princess in Hausa)

Languages: English (native), Hausa (native), Arabic (C1), French (B2)

Strengths: is money a strength ? also coding. and being the sweetest. and a general smartypants but that’s in a university setting & gallagher probably doesnt give a fuck

Relationship History: only has one (1) experience. ( well,,, 2 if a three-second drunken kiss w kass counts ) his name’s royce and they’ve known each other since their bougie secondary school back in britain. started dating at sixteen and went to harvard together. they’re long term as fuck. he’s like her best friend and their families adore the couple & each other. got engaged last september and sara broke it off before leaving for gallagher, oof. she deadass milked the opportunity but lbr she wasnt rlly Feeling It so she’s kinda glad for the ‘valid reason’ to appear bc it rlly wasn’t Love for sara so boy bye

Physical appearance: 1.76m, 55kg, long black hair, slim and toned build

Classes: GEN 105, GEN 206, AE 101, AT 101, PE 101

Personality

the sweetest. v charming & sensitive to others & curious about things. enthusiastic too ! loves adventures & is very passionate. queen of empathy. 

she’s not stuck up even tho she loaded. she doesnt rlly talk abt her family having 12B or the fact that she’s an ivy league girl, bc she’s just generally very uwu 

easily stressed and flustered and overwhelmed ! man, gallagher’s gonna shook this goddamn academic dork to her core for the love of god someone pls get the aed ready

rlly fun !!! can be a lil unpredictable bc it b lyk dat for rich girls. loves her independence which she hasn’t maximized bc of her ex fiancé & responsibilities but it’s chill so chill totally chill, no ounce of further longing exists in the crevices of this girl’s heart

she is so not good with confrontation and is so allergic to conflict ok. she will sweep discomfort under a rug and lie on it ‘til it’s flat which makes her a queen of repression & conforming

is she easily overwhelmed & stressed ? yes, but she’ll try not to show it so much. it’s all mostly an internal monologue so don’t underestimate her pls. she’s v smart and competent. can be so competitive ( albeit mostly inwardly ) and a boss ass business bitch like her business momma bc that’s what she’s been training for altho she is still generally a soft bab so ... yeah, if u would be so kind as to Estimate her, that’d be grand

she needs to always be on top of her game. maybe not the best in the class, but definitely pushes herself to be her best, so a lot of late nights studying & won’t settle for bad grades ever. gonna be rough in gallagher bc she is not spy material ok, she’s just a pretty rich geek behind a computer

just imagine her as the nice girl in ur ap classes who’s a lil awkward & just so happens to be super hot & stinking rich

Fun Facts

has a six-month old rescue pup named sooty ! who kinda looks like a sheparnese

has a tendency to ramble if she’s comfy w u enough or mayhaps if it’s too much man 

is v diligent w keeping a journal & does it everyday 

likes to dance ! not super good but she likes it. hits da clubs for dat shit 

is a lil instagram famous bc she’s a gorgeous rich harvard girl & all that jazz. queen of selfies & of looking hot but doesn’t actually get to play around rip ffff 

doesn’t drink much bc she is an extreme lightweight and 2 is her tap out limit

if she’s had more than 2 drinks, she is Very Honest but still very ramble-y 

she is physically active but mostly just runs and does yoga. knows very basic self-defense. is not sporty, definitely not a fighter, may god have mercy on her soul

isnt a virgin but is not sexually experienced lmao lbr she kinda Itching to get out there 

don’t ask me what her accent is because i have no clue it’s all over the place

Established Connections — just bc i think y’all would like to know

kassandra sutton — internet friends ! loves kass to bits. have known each other since sara was 14. when kass was 18, sara took her on a grad trip to montreal and became a lil lowkey into her. doesn’t help that kass drunk kissed her & doesn’t remember lmfao. poor sara told her then-bf & they had a lil fight but they made up bc sara didn’t talk to kass for months. eventually they became friends again & now sara’s in gallagher w no idea that kass is a mf sutton & honestly, my girl is just very shook w everything 

Possible Connections

crushes — she does not know how to flirt. she is ,,,, p pathetic tbh but a real heckin cutie. will be super nice to ur bab ok  

flirtationships — sara and i r gonna continue to keep it real w u chieves, her ex fiancé royce was vanilla and bland as fuck. can u believe she has not been single in a decade ? ? someone give her love & attention & fluster this soft innocent child. get her Experienced but also dont hurt her

enemies/angst !!! —  or maybe do ! maybe hurt her. maybe obliterate her. maybe smash her poor heart to pieces, because tbh i would love that.  so someone pls for the love all things holy and divine, someone hurt her !!!!

fwb — probably just one (1) bc she’s still a romantic ? and she’s probably gonna want something exclusive even if it’s no strings attached and will surely want to ,.,. get to know them a little bit more first ,,, at least ideally , idk , maybe impulse & thirst gets the better of her one of these days who knows lets find out !

friends !!! — sara will love u ok. she may be a lil easily flustered but she’s doesn’t rlly give up on ppl quickly. as i’ve said, queen of empathy. probs feels v sorry for majority of the gallagher & georgetown kids bc, .,.,., this environment just screams highkey Trauma to her and she’s valid bc she’s right

mentors !!! — she hates feeling dumb ok she Always has to be on top of her game, so u can bet ur ass after her first meetings in her classes she goes to ppl going “ hey could u help me out w working out ? boxing ? firing a gun ? literally everything & anything ? ”   

anything & everything — meaning just come @ me & let’s talk about it uwu 

( did i just create georgina’s antithesis ? fuck yes, and i am sooo excited to have a child that’s not always plotting & scheming & being mean like y’all have no idea ;_; nywy, that was long bc shutting up and brevity are things i do not possess. whats up it’s ur og flower garden girl rose here aka bugleweed aka fiancée of many and lover of all, and i am open to anything and everything ! just drop an IM or hit dat like & ill slide in ur dmz w love, plots & sanitized hands x )

[salty-donut-collecter]

Why Stay?

Act II, Part One

Twenty-Seven   {Masterlist}   Part Two

Chapter Word Count: 1,652

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety mentioned, yelling, talk about bones breaking, insults

Please tell me if I need to tag anything else :)

*Also, I’m planning on having this story as a slow burn, so please be prepared :)

Prompts: “Do I look like I give a fuck?”, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m feeling a lot of  it.”, and “Not to dictate your life, but drop your shitty friends.”

A/N: It’s been a bit, but I’m glad I have a system for this stuff now! Lmao this story is gonna have you guys dying, but I hope you like it nonetheless. 

Happy reading! (Also, feel free to comment your thoughts! I love reading comments :))

Also, if you’d like to be added to the tags list, please let me know! :D

_____________________________________________________

You woke up on Saturday morning, a headache forming as you tried to remember what you’d dreamed.

“Whatever,” you mumbled, getting up and stumbling around in the dark until you got into the dark hallway.

Jesus, what time is it? You wondered, looking around at how dark it was. You looked at your smartwatch (something Katie had left in your room for Christmas), sighing as it read 1:22 am because you knew there was no chance you would be able to go back to sleep now.

Okay… you took a deep breath, I guess today is just going to be a lot longer than planned.

And indeed it would.

Now, you didn’t really think the day was long…. Until Micheal called a “family meeting”, which really just meant y’all had to sit in a room and listen to him before discussing a topic he’d introduced. (The last topic you’d witnessed was furries and kinks because he wanted to see Steven die a little on the inside. (You all know he’s a kinky bastard at heart))

You sighed, wondering how long this one would take because you’d been getting ready to try and sleep again. However, you were intrigued to find he was holding a meeting in one of the kitchen rooms, which was just a room with a huge ass table that could fit the whole family. (So this would be the equivalent to a normal family’s kitchen table.)

You sighed and made your way up there, making sure to be the last person in the room so you could sit next to Micheal, letting Maverick take the right side, while you sat on his left.

“Okay, so I know it hasn’t been that long since Y/n’s been back,” Micheal gave a little eye roll, “Buut, I also don’t care.” he shrugged, holding a hand around his torso in a way you found particularly interesting.

“So, due to my inability to give a shit, and my abundant need to call family meetings, I decided to quell my raging curiosity,” Micheal smirked a little, clearing his throat and demolishing all visible joy as quickly as it came. He then proceeded to open his jacket, extract a familiar folder from under his shirt, and toss it far onto the table, where it flew open and spread its’ contents out for everyone to see.

“So,” Micheal looked at you, his contact lenses red because he was into that, “Care to tell me what this is?”

You had no doubt in your mind that he had already read it, and been furious about it. This told you he already knows everything in that folder by heart, and he was ready to both defend you, and rip the team a new one, which was something you actually found refreshing.

“It’s a file of the information I gathered to quell my own curiosity, actually.” You mused, sitting back and letting your feet sit up on the table. Your chair tipped a bit, but you didn’t mind it much.

Clint was doing the same things, actually. You had a small leaning competition as the conversation continued.

“What were you curious about?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

You smirked, taking a break from you small competition as you sat upright again, “I thought you had powers, actually, and no one gave me the answers I needed to make a proper conclusion.” You shrugged, “So I looked into it myself and got kicked out of the Teen Titans.”

Steve glared at you, “Nobody kicked you out, Y/n. You left because you didn’t want to face the consequences of your actions.”

You chuckled, “Sorry, I didn’t know getting my jaw broken by your shield in a world I made just for you was an invitation to stay and continue to be an Avenger…” You looked up quizzically, “Come to think of it, accusing me of killing people behind your back because I’m an apparent rage monster also didn’t seem like a part of the welcome wagon-- wow, Steve, if you’re so good with etiquette and I’m so bad with it, you should probably teach me-- oh wait, you did, didn’t you? After I’d just gotten here? I’m sorry I failed as a student. It’s just so--”

“Y/n, that’s enough.” Rhodey deadpanned, glaring at you from next to an already peeved Tony. Guess they didn’t get much sleep either. “We’re all happy to have you back, trust me.”

Clint laughed, “Wow, Rhodey, that’s rich!” he sat up, arms softly landing at the table as he looked at the Iron Patriot, “You really wanna go down that route? The whole: yeah, we’re happy to see you again, even though we literally accused you of being a psycho killer last time we talked, but hey! It’s all good now, right? Cause Jesus Christ dude!” Clint laughed, “She literally ran around the fucking w o r l d so she could get a break from our fugly mugs. So I say we give her one. There’s no need to drag this on, Steve.  Little girls wouldn’t be leaving Christmas presents in her room if she was a horrible person.” Clint rolled his eyes, already done with the conversation that’d just started.

“Barton, we’re trying to--” Vision started

“Don’t give me that logical bullshit cause that’s not happening right now. You, Vision, can logic your way into and out of this, but them? Yeah, no. They don’t have the goals you do, and it’s fucking time you realize how biased they are.”

“Okay, but my husband was literally the Winter Soldier.” Steve deadpanned.

Clint gave him the weirdest smile, “And he had a type of microsurgery done on him that was very painful and unsafe to get HYDRA out of his head.” his smile dropped, “We fucking been knowing about your husband, Steve. The thing is, no one cares anymore because he took care of that problem as a consenting adult.”

“I don't need a surgery.” You gave the people at the table a weird look, wondering if the kids should’ve been invited to this conversation. You felt a small finger tap your lower shoulder. You flinched, but calmed down when you saw Katie.

She motioned for you to come closer, so you leaned down to her level.

“Can I sit in your lap?” She whispered, lifting her arms up so you could lift her.

You chuckled, “Of course, my smol bean.” you replied, gently grabbing her under her armpits and lifting her into your lap, where you’d crossed your legs so she’d be comfortable. You looked over to see Chloe itching at her arms. She’s getting anxious.

“Okay but guys,” Micheal’s voice somehow transpiring over everyone else’s with great intensity. “You’re failing to answer my question.” He looked down at you, as if knowing something you should know too. (Really you thought of it as only half of “sharing a knowing look”)

You just shake your head, nothing coming to mind for now. He also shook his head, disappointed in you for some reason.

Micheal turned to the rest of the adults, looking peeved as per usual.

“Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me?” He asked, changing the question to better their ability to answer.

Everyone was quiet. The less everyone spoke, the more upset you got with their inability to take responsibility for their forgivable mistakes. You understood the fact that it was a hard thing to do sometimes, but this was getting fucking ridiculous.

“Okay, I get that this is hard for you but honestly grow the fuck up.” you snapped, your eyes rolling as you moved Katie over a little bit. It’s not like you needed to be screaming in her ear-- she didn’t do anything wrong and was too cute for that anyway.

“Y/n there’s more to this than--” Stephen started, but the excuses were honestly too annoying to listen to again.

“That I obviously know about cause I’m a stupid teenager.” You angrily sighed, “So I’ve heard. However, I’ll also say that we can’t do shit about the other things at hand if you’ve never bothered to-- I dunno-- talk about them?” You huffed, your knee bouncing as you try to maintain your composure. Katie is looking more anxious by the minute.

“Y/n, will you be okay?” Katie asked.

You gave her a sorrowful look. You were almost mad at Micheal for bringing her and Chloe into this.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay sweet pea,” you assure her, sounding sweeter than honey on top of Turkish delight.

Your gaze returned to the conversation at hand, which had actually gotten really heated within the couple of seconds you’d left for. Okay then.

“I don’t have to explain myself to an overgrown lab rat.” Stephen snapped, pointing at Pietro from his place at the table.

You stood up, Katie in your arms for only a moment before you quickly set her down. “Stephen, we don’t need to turn this into a fight.” You cautioned, your eyes starring the Master of The Mystic Arts with a flash of anger.

“She’s right, Stephen.” Tony was also standing, looking at Strange with quite the opposite look. You hadn’t seen Tony look that concerned for someone in a while.

The air was tense. Having so many emotions in one room was bound to create trouble, but the type of trouble was a mystery to everyone, causing a subtle fear that only stirred the pot more.

“Stephen, what kind of trouble are you talking about?” Steve jumped in, also standing.

You were surprised by his random aid to your side of the argument, but you decided that it was the least of your worries right now. Your hand gently squeezed Katie’s, momentarily reassuring her after hearing her softly whimper.

Stephen glared at Steve, as if wondering if he should answer him honestly, or tell him to shut the fuck up because he’s been nothing but unhelpful this entire time.

Well, you were screwed.  

_____

Taglist: @introvertedsin @galacticalstarcat @acidrain707

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N} Waiting on the Sun to Rise.

Oh how I wish that ol’ sun would rise~♫

I wrote a bit. {Points down.} It’s nothing special, 2nd POV just ‘cause idk what’s going on with anything again and it feels weird to try and write dedicated pieces when stuff’s off. {Waves a hand in a circle.} Said it before, but this time I’m trying not to let it keep me from writing. Used to use that as an excuse to not write or do anything but I keep saying if I keep that up I’ll literally never do anything and I’m in my 30′s, now.

I’m ready to do stuff. And so I’m gonna do stuff.

I’ve been reading “The Writer’s Process” by Anne Janzer, which was recommended to authors who want to know how to prep for writing seriously, sort of like a “how to get started writing novels” 101 book. It had really good reviews on Amazon and I’m on Chapter Five right now. It’s only about 200 pages long, if that, but it’s honestly really useful. It’s got good tips on balancing work/personal life with trying to write (like you have to actually dedicate time to write, can’t just expect to write a novel on wishful thinking) or how to help stimulate creativity. It includes tidbits and tips from psychologists who have done studies on the best way to tackle creative processes like writing so you can get the most out of your writing; it’s really been a helpful tool. The chapter I’m on right now talks about tackling procrastination, lmao, and how to self-discipline--which I have said is one of my biggest problems. I make excuses, I find reasons to not write, I let myself get distracted, but I’ve been saying all year I’m tired of looking back on the year before and spying all the wasted time and just sighing @ myself.

There’s no excuse other than me being lazy and/or making excuses. The older I get, the less forgiving I get with myself about it.

My 20′s I am now realizing was really not a good time for me to try and get published, I’m sort of allowing myself a pass because now that I’m out of that decade, I realize I was working through a lot of shit. I was still dealing with abuse into my late 20′s and while no one’s life is perfect I recognize that I wasn’t in a good enough headspace to dig deep and write well. My emotions are 97% of my writing and they weren’t right. Now that I’m in a better place in all aspects (still working on the living situation, but got less than a year to go, there) I can shelve the self-reflective work and start trying to make something of this talent and imagination I’ve got.

I don’t really know where this aggressive, “I am going to write.” mojo has come from. I mean I’ve always, always known I wanted to be an author but it was sort of a hobby more than a career. I wasn’t taking it seriously and there’s probably lots of reasons for that--

1. Was dealing with depression and teetering on finding any self-worth enough to try to make something of myself. 2. Been told from a young age that I was not good enough and to give up/not bother trying because I won’t make it. 3. Afraid of failure and the resulting, “I told you so”‘s.

So yeah. I just hid behind fanfiction and sprinkling my OC’s and plotlines through fandom work, which allowed me to express what I wanted to express without fear of failure or putting myself out there. But that’s not enough, at least...I don’t know. I’ll always have a heavy preference for writing for FL and Monica and stuff, but I treat that like...hm. Almost like a treat? It’s a treat for me. To give something of myself to someone I love very much. Her reactions will always be my favorite.

Stepping outside of that, though, fanfiction stopped being enough for me a number of years ago. It was too confining, I had so many ideas and characters and themes and stuff I wanted to put out there that I didn’t want to work in a confined space anymore. Y’know that saying, “Of course you’re uncomfortable and unhappy where you are--you’ve grown, you’ve changed, you are no longer that person. It’s time to move on.”

I feel that.

It was like wearing a pair of shoes that were too small. Yes, I could wear them and get somewhere, but not the distance I needed, and wanted to go. My hopes of being published haven’t gone away. I’m scared to try still, lol, I know my writing’s good, it’s the one thing I know I’m good at, but the way I want to do it is different than the norm. In a way, selfishly, I feel like Christine. She was one of the only people writing paranormal romance when she started, and she’s said how she had to push and push to get her publisher to take a chance on her work, that she knew she had something good and she didn’t give up on it. And now, we have the Carpathians. ♥ I’m somewhat in the same boat with wanting to write 2nd POV. I’m totally capable of making a heroine and giving her a name and backstory but I know what I like to read when I read fanfiction. 2nd POV. It’s more personal, it resonates, and tbh it helped me through some really difficult parts of my life. I want to return that to my readers. To give them that personal immersion that 2nd POV provides. But those aren’t the books that are published.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t have a novel finished or anything, lmao. I just, it’s one of my fears. That I’ll write this novel in 2nd POV and not be able to get it published...but I suppose I should cross the first part of that particular problem before anything else. Can’t fret about being published if there ain’t shit TO publish, DOT.

I’ve got a few novel ideas. Milano hasn’t gone away, lol. He still lurks about, like he’s just waiting for me to get my ass in gear and actually write his book properly.

...I really did sort of just use Yu Yu Hakusho to sort of write my own practice novel of Milano’s, lmao, if I’m being honest. I mean I did also want to go the hipster route and write for Yusuke because he was so under-loved in the community and I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t subjugating favoritism but truthfully I wanted to let Milano loose. I was proud of him, proud of the story and world I’d created around him, and I needed an outlet for it and was too young to know what to do with what I had. Was fucking 18 years old, fresh out of high school, and in way over my head honestly. Now that I’m matured, older, and my ADHD isn’t kicking my brain around like a pinball machine, I think I can do him proper justice.

So yes, Milano, I will still be writing your novel. Just uh, don’t ask me when. Baby steps.

I also have Bram’s story that I wrote 20 some odd pages of outline and prep work on, that I fully intended to novelize. And I still think I have something there, so hold onto your obsession, Bram. You’re up on the board, too.

The most recent idea I had was for a series of novels, called Help Wanted. It actually started from the most recent story I wrote for Monica, where she delivered those specialized herbs to Milano. I essentially work in a service industry and it got me thinking about how I like to take care of people, that you don’t typically see that in romance novels. Usually the heroine is the one being taken care of and while I won’t object to that, I also like to do the taking care of. And it’s not an itch I get to scratch a lot, when I read. So I have been tossing around this series of novels where the heroine of each book is a caregiver of some sorts, taking care of the love interest in some way, shape, or form.

For example, the idea I came up with today was for a human nanny (the reader) who gets hired by a vampire to take care of his child after his wife was staked/murdered. The vampire is hopeless as a father and needs all the help he can get, and his child needs a proper caregiver. The nanny comes highly recommended and to make matters worse, when shown a list of potential caregivers the child picks her out of all the other candidates. The vampire is wary of allowing a human in his home but he’s rewarded when his little one flourishes under the love and attention the new nanny brings. Can the vampire come to trust and love one of the very same who killed his late wife?

Another idea I had was for a bubbly housekeeper/caregiver who comes to care for a depressed zombie/undead. The undead can barely take care of themselves and the caregiver was hired by a Wellness Committee, who keep tabs on supernaturals (think like child or elder protective services). The undead wants nothing to do with life but can’t die--but maybe, just maybe, with a little bit of TLC from their caregiver they can learn to live again. Happily, with the one who truly saved their soul.

Obviously don’t judge me too harshly, I’m literally like two days into this idea, lmao. It’s rough around the edges, like super rough, but it’s something that speaks to me. It’d be sort of like the Carpathians as in like, a shared universe, with all sorts of different love interests per novel--it’d be paranormal so there’d be monsters and demons and ghosts, weres and mers and just--maybe even superheroes! Or that could be a spin-off series or just--

See it’s just a lot and it’s all brand new and I’m still working all this out.

BUT! What’s exciting to me is that I have ideas, still. I still want to write, I’m still living in this creative, imaginary headspace and I’m still wanting to share that world. I think I’ll just always be this person, and that’s not a complaint. I’m glad. Imaginary places got me through my childhood and tbh it’s what’s getting me through this hectic shit we call adulthood.

I’ve been saying, all year, that I’m going to keep going and I’ll probably keep saying it. I’m still working a lot of stuff out, still figuring out my writing process and I need to get back to writing every day (I did it for the first three months of the year so I know I can do it) so that when the time comes for me to sit down and write for Milano, for Bram, for Help Wanted--

That I’ll still be ready to go. 💕

[lametooru]

tag games! 

im always so slow to do these so heres a bunch of them bc they are super fun to do and i love learning things about my mutuals , thanks to everyone who’s tagged me ❤

20 Qs Tag

tagged by @hwangsrenjun 

rules: answer 20 questions, then tag 20 bloggers you want to get to know better

name: kingkanoke

nicknames: tan

height: 5′5

orientation: het

nationality: british/thai

favorite season: autumn !!!! 

favorite flower: forget-me-nots they’re so pretty 

favorite scent: fresh laundry soOOSOO good

favorite color/s: like any shade of blue 

favorite animal: cheetahs and dolphins 

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: ice coffee + tea

average sleep hours: i used to be able to run on 5/6 hrs but apparently now i need like 7/8

dog or cat person: love both but if i had to choose ... doggies

favorite fictional character(s): literally so fucking many but rn im brainwashed by marvel so : thor, peter, steve my BEST boys 

number of blankets you sleep with: 1

dream trip: korea, jpn, cali, nyc, greece, italy, bali, new zealand, australia lmao like everywhere

blog created: 2012 im a veteran on here kiddos ive seen the rise and falls of whole civilisations 

number of followers: more than i thought i would get tbf

random fact: i would chose death over eating celery like honestly even the smell alone idk it really urks me 

get to know me ok

Rules: Answer 30 questions and then tag 20 blogs you’d like to know better

Tagged by:@kkimingyu

nicknames: tan

gender: female

zodiac: pisces !!! wheres all my emo fish people at c;

height: 5′4/5 like im in between there 

age: 19 ohymgod im so old im not even gunna be a teen anymore next yr thats goss :(

time: 10:04pm

favorite bands/artists: hmmm im gunna answer outside kpop ... i listen to panic! at the disco, fall out boy, rihanna, britney spears lmao im so basic i know aksjhfasl i also have a lot of misc songs that i really like so my music taste is just all over the place

song stuck in my head: its legit just the the theme from parks and recs bc im watching it rn 

last movie I saw: it was literally black butler book of murder lmafooooooooo ffs can my weeb ass tone it down pls

last thing I googled: ‘why am i sneezing so much’ 

other blogs: @fyvoltronld (100% vld stuff) and my newly made art blog @tnkisu

do I get asks: i used to get quite a lot of requests when i was an anime blog lool

why I chose my username: bc mingyu is uwu :3

following: 210

the average amount of sleep: 7 ish

lucky no: 3 bc i was born on 3rd march 

what am I wearing: grey joggers and over sized tee lol see me at the next fashion week pls

dream job: illustrator / graphic designer in the entertainment industry somwhere

dream trip: okaay lol here we go: italy esp positano!!, california, nyc, hawaii, new zealand, japan, korea, hong kong, canada dream big i guess

favorite food: literally craving roast duck n rice so much rn also ice cream if that counts! and noodles mmMMMMmmmm

instruments: i used to play the trumpet but i quit when i was like 13

sports: i played volleyball for almost 2 yrs but stopped bc uni and i used to cycle loads too (and yes its bc of anime lmao whats new)

hair color: dark brown, blackish like ur normal asian hair

eye color: matches my hair im so boring oof

most iconic song: um if u seek amy by miss britney spears? she didnt have to snap that hard

languages: english and like 40% of thai lol im losing it all 

random fact: i LOVE dressing gowns if im not outside im probably wearing one, even in the summer theyre just so comfy i own 3

describe urself as aesthetic things ! : the buzz of a busy restaurant, 3am talks with your friends, going into the city at night and being surrounded by lights, the warmth of the sun hitting your skin, your favourite people smiling at you, reading a book on a cloudy day, that one annoying itch you can’t quite seem to scratch 

˗ˏˋ 11 question tag ˊˎ˗

thank you for tagging me @jisoostar & @gyuofficial

rules: tag some people you would like to get to know better.

how much sleep did you get last night? don’t lie to me.

9 i think.. its the summer holidays so i sleep for a looooooong time

do you use any lip balm or lip tint? what are you using?

lip balm all the way aint no time for ashy lips lol i use the cherry carmex lip balm  

tell me about your guilty pleasure!

hmm maybe those slice of life animes that r just over the top, a bit dumb and funny with no serious plot lines or anything 

what’s your favorite subject at school and why?

art bc i was shit at everything else ahaha....

pick 5 idols to be your classmates!

oKAy : kevin (the boyz), key (shinee), hoshi (svt) , mingyu (svt), hyungwon (monsta x) 

experience the hunger games or the purge?

the purge bc i live in the most eventual village in england  

tell me your favorite food without saying what it is. describe it.

mmmmmm....a meat from an animal with wings paired with white grains from a plant and a hot liquid on the side (this makes it sound gross aslfjaslkf)

what language do you have an interest in learning?

spanish, mandarin, korean, italian too mayb

you found a magic lamp and the genie will grant you three wishes. what do you have in mind? please, don’t ask for more wishes.

the ability to draw whatever i wanted to the way i envisioned it in my head (correct proportions, depth of view, shadows vs highlights etc) 

to be able to be fluent in all languages i wanted including reading & writing

have flawless skin for the rest of my life 

pick three of your favorite cuisines!

not being biased but thai is my number 1 lolololol

japanese 

chinese esp dim sum 

hey, the last question is a PSA. you’re precious and i love you. reply with: “i’m precious and i love me too”.

getting on my last uwus smh :(  thank u, im precious and i love me too ~

tagging: @kkimingyu @cafewoozi  @jeongahn @wonhuis  @himeaegyo @jeong-hanie​ @jisoostar​ @bbymarklee @ilxu (feel free to do them all, one or non ^^) 

[sunaluvs]

hi aether! sorry this isn’t about any fandoms or anything but what do you do now and how do you find time to write? i’ve been crazy busy with my internship and i wanna write something but i’m always so pooped out by the end of the day, i can’t come up with anything… sobs

no worries anon idm questions like these!

i feel this shit so much LMAO im a double major uni student so i am very busy very often and that doesn't leave me much time to write </3 it's why i don't post as frequently as other blogs and why i went on a hiatus back in nov-mid dec

im not quite sure if im the best person to answer this honestly, mainly because i don't really have like.. a solution to this? i just try to focus on finishing whatever shit i need to do so i can be free jdhdjfh

BUT!! i do have two tips that have helped me a lot (under the cut cause they got stupidly long SORRY)

1. this is if you find your creative flow completely blocked off. try to organize your time to set aside maybe 15 (or more) minutes in a day. this can be when you're eating or on a break or something. in this time, do something that helps you relax but still keeps your brain thinking. this can be reading, looking at art, listening to music, taking a walk, etc. the point is to get yourself relaxed enough to appreciate things outside of your worries and stress, such as other people's works! don't do anything yourself during this time. just let yourself take in other people's art.

ive found that this helps greatly any time im experiencing writers block. i don't stress or worry over it, i just go back to my favorite authors or list of fics/books ive been wanting to read, listen to music, go on walks, etc. i take this chance to enjoy the little things life has to offer and let my brain explore itself.

2. when you want to get rid of that pesky n urgent need to create something. any time i have a sudden spark of inspiration or idea to write, ill race to my notes app in my phone and just quickly write it down. it doesn't sound like much, but just jotting it down, even incoherently or messily, helps me get rid of that itch to create something (sometimes ill also write down particular sentences or words that make me feel like ill die if i dont use them). and then later on, when i've managed to grab some time to myself, ill go back and look over it and add or change stuff!! it doesn't have to be perfect (it never is) and it doesn't have to be anything big! even one paragraph can help. sometimes if the idea just won't leave my head, ill keep going back to build on it more, bit by bit, until i slowly end up with a short drabble that i can edit in my spare time

it's also important you don't "save it for later", because later will likely never come. you'll be either too tired or unmotivated to write it. having it already in front of you when you're all out of steam can kinda help you regain some of that energy back.

AND MOST IMPERATIVELY: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT CREATING. it's not your fault capitalism is trying to suck out your soul

this got entirely too long im so sorry GDJDHDJHF but this all i have to offer!! hopefully these can help and if anyone knows any other tips feel free to add on <33

[thekirstenkhaye]

Thank you, 2018. NEXT!

Ari, I’m sorry. Just trying to be punny there.

Peace y’all! Hope that didn’t get to shoo you away from reading this entry. Bear with me, please. I just really suck when it comes to my intros. Now let’s move on, eh? NAKA MOVE ON NGA AKO EH, kayo pa kaya?

Kirsten, ENOUGH.

K, let’s do this 😊

This entry will be full-packed of stories, facts and reflections from how this year had been. You know why? Well, I may not have been updating that much on my social media accounts anymore of all the things that have had happened this past year, but I swear to G! This year has probably been the MOST EVENTFUL year that I’ve had thus far. Of course, when I suffered from that ruptured AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation) in my brain and tried to recover from it on the years 2013-2014 will never be irreplaceable on being a major turning point in my life. However, if we’ll talk about on actually living life, 2018 has been one heck of a kind of roller coaster ride, living life to the fullest and a fckload of growing up.

So, let’s start. Shall we?

Honestly, I got side-tracked for a couple hours, in this exact part while writing. Yeah, shoot my short attention span and all over the place mind. But you’ll see why I had to do them first. I mean, that if you are actually here reading this and you know, thought of browsing and reading more of what is in this blog. Because I assure you, just clicking on those words up there in the header, you’ll see more. And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging now and wasting more of your time just to read more of my nonsense blabs because I did update everything that you can read here that are just extra. Hihi. I’m so sorry. But I hope you liked what you’ve read if you actually spent some time reading one or two more entries from this blog other than this one.

Now, let’s truly begin.

First of all, I guess, as how I always start my entries.. You’re here now in my somewhat personal space, my outlet, my blog, welcome to Lifenigma!

It has been awhile yet again since I last posted a decent entry. If I’m not mistaken, it has been 4 long months. And to be honest, even though it has been that long already, some things are still as complicated as how they were. Although, let me emphasize with “some”, eh? Because for the last couple months, there is at least one thing that have cleared in my life. You wanna know what?

Well, have you ever asked yourself what the Amighty has been thinking why on the name of Him you are alive and has to live your frigging life? SAME. I know. Especially in times when you just don’t know what to do with your life. Yes, I have asked the same question maybe more than a thousand times that He probably got tired of it already and now just showed me how I could determine the answer to my never ending query.

It wasn’t easy, I must say. It took me awhile to figure it out. And then one day, you know, I realized, damn, this is me. This is my purpose. This is the reason why I’m not laying stone cold dead 9 feet under. I found it and my passion for it has what kept me driven to wake up every single day with a very optimistic mind, heart and soul.

So you know what? There may be things that are very complicated until this moment I’m typing this entry out, but by just thinking of this purpose of mine in this world, I’m full, I’m complete and I’m sure that I’ll get by no matter what. All these complicated things that are bugging me are just bonuses of accepting to live the life He still gave me a chance to live, one more time. I mean, this may not be the last time that He’ll let me, but who knows right?This might be the last one, too, already but I don’t mind anymore. Because I know by now that I got to live it with a purpose, and not just surviving it for my own benefit.

You’re probably itching to know now what on earth is this girl has been talking about, aren’t you? Well, if you are my friend or even just an acquaintance from somewhere now that I’ve been visiting to, you would know somehow. You’ll probably have a guess that is probably right anyway. But if you’re not and are just here because you saw my tweet or post somewhere about this and got curious so you clicked on it and tried reading, then let me tell a brief story first.

Hi, Hello! This girl’s name is Kirsten but usually, people call me “Kaye” now. It’s actually just K like the letter because that’s from my nickname before which was ‘KL’ but somewhere along the way of my life, some people in it were lazy enough to not include L in calling me hence it ended up with K. But I’m too extra to just stuck myself with a one letter name so I created my own name that most people actually thought now that it’s my real second name, so yeah. Anyways, enough about my name. That’s actually not the story that I want you to know. But at least now you know, right? Hihi. Okay, moving on.

I think let’s just cut this story short. I’m 23 now so it has been how many years now? LOL, do the math, man. But yeah, when I was 17, it was summer, April 9th of 2013 if I can remember it correctly. It was around noon, we were taking a break from arranging the decorations in the garden of our client where her son’s going to have his party. We were having our lunch, talking about stuff that I couldn’t really remember anymore. Then I went for a glass of ice cold coke, took a sip and the next thing I know is there was this electricity-like that went from my head straight out to my left arm that it felt like it’s going to get removed from my body on how strong the current that went throught it was. When I got my consciousness back, I was already in the ICU with my head feeling like they’re going to break open and all I could think of was “Why isn’t there a priest here, yet? Am I not going to die already?” But somehow, I survived one whole week aching in the ICU with tubes attached to my groin, my mouth, my nose, my arm, my hand. Somehow, I just woke up one day, the nurses were already rolling me up to a Recovery Room. And in the Recovery Room was when I figured I could not move anything on the left part of my body anymore. It was when I talked, my saliva would just drip uncontrollably on the side of my mouth. It was when I wanted to scratch my arm where my IV was taped on, but I couldn’t even lift my left arm. It was when I wanted to pee, only to realize that there was a catheter in my you-know-where. It was when I got hungry and asked for a food and they gave me a blended shit and fed me through an NGT (Nasogastric Tube). It was when for the first time in a very long time, I had to be bathe by other people. And all I had to do was go with all of it because it was the situation that I had to deal with.

Okay, story time is over.

Was it sad? Was it depressing? Well, that was only my vague memories in the hospital, ladies and gentleman. But everything that happened clearly in my head after that fate I had to get through, well, let’s just not talk about it. 2013-2014 were the years that I had to deal with all of that. One takeaway from those years? Depression isn’t just a phase. It’s something that you will just learn to live with. Ever wonder why I need this blog? It doesn’t really do much to me just like how usual bloggers out there right now are benefiting from it. No, I don’t have this for things like that. I tried though, I won’t deny that. But I realized, no, this is not that. This is my outlet. This is where I can breathe all the bottled up thoughts and feelings that I have to let go of somehow because I wouldn’t ever get to do that with anyone in person.

Now, again, Kirsten, get to the point, yeah? What is this purpose of yours that you have found? LOL. Okay, folks! Relax. Hihi. Here you go.

It’s pretty obvious, I guess. Especially to those people who have an idea of what I have been doing this past year. Yes, I have been volunteering with stuff that has something to do with the sector of Persons with Disabilities. I have been since 2017. However, I guess, 2017 was more on like empowering myself first as a person with disability that has accepted her new given life as a cause of having an acquired disability. In 2018 though, I began to start seeing the potential in me of becoming a leader. The potential that somehow, some other people had seen first than seeing it myself first. And in this year, I have embraced that. It was tiring. It was even nerve-wracking at some point. It actually came to a point also that it overwhelmed me somehow. But you know what? While all of those were what I was feeling, I’m still willing to do everything just for something that it needs for it to be done. And that’s how I found it, my purpose. That in the same way I got myself empowered despite my disability, I want to help other people with disabilities too to see the silver lining of their situation. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’ve seen it for a year now. But I know, one day, if not all, at least there will be more PWDs out there that wouldn’t be afraid to get out anymore because they know they are also part of the society, that they matter. And somehow, I hope, one day, the community would be more disability inclusive already and not see and treat them as an outlier.

And you know, just as simple as knowing that I’ve got to acknowledge them, that’s enough for me. Because, you know, sometimes, people just need to feel that there’s a person that sees him/her and would be willing to listen of what he/she is going to say. Sometimes some people just want to share something that happened to them and all you have to do is listen, and you know sometimes that already means a lot to somebody.

Anyways, I’m not exaggerating here, okay? I’m not even trying to put myself on the pedestal of being an effin good samaritan. Cause well, let me tell you, almost all my co-leaders actually know how much of a bitch I can be when I’m out of it with being an angel. LMAO. You get my point there already, I guess, yeah?

You’re probably wondering now why I’m stressing that topic so much in this entry when this is a year-ender one. It’s simple, I think. It’s just that I’m very thankful that at the end of this very rocky year that I’ve had in 2018, I got to end it with this very meaningful turn of events. It’s very simple, if you would think of it. It’s just one thing. But I guess it’s just that meaningful and powerful that it let me look over all the not-so-nice things that have happened to me this year. Frankly, I can’t even feel the pain from them hard times anymore. I haven’t forgotten them and I don’t think I’d ever will, but you know, it’s not that much of a big deal to me anymore.

I know and I’m sure of it that one of these days, I will have to face them  ̶  you know, family matters, my lovelife and I should probably include here my work too. But as I said up there, these are all just bonuses to me already. I’ll deal with them in time. But for now, wherever those other things are at in this life of mine, I’m just glad that they are there making me this strong woman that I am now.

My dear 2018, with all the pain and disappointments you brought me, I still thank you. So please, tara na sa NEXT! Hehe. Just kiddin, not really that in a hurry. Not much but I don’t think anyone has a choice now anyway but be ready for another year, yeah?

I hope you all have reflected on the things 2018 had brought you, may they be good or not so good. You still have time to do it. 2019 is just around the corner now. And as most people say, NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Can be. But always remember, It’s just another day to live by. Just keep on going. And bear this in mind, you don’t have to be a brand new you, you just have to make sure that you are here willing to be better than you were earlier.

 Vivre la vie au maximum, folks! Bonne Année!

                         ~Kaye

PS: I know I didn’t talk about some other stuff that you might be expecting I would talk about. I will. I will, okay? Just saving it for a different entry, just so I’d be motivated to use my laptop and start writing my thoughts out again, than bottling them up and just forcing myself to not mind them that much because it would just be too much. So, just STAY TUNED, I guess. And do come back again, if you’re a new visitor. Have a happy New Year! 😊