#anyway celiac fucking sucks lmao

[zombie-bait]

One of the (very few) pros of becoming celiac was the little labels they put on all the food because now my friend group has an ongoing joke that I can only have stuff that's "girlfriend certified" which makes every single one of my meals that extra lil amount of fruity 🏳️‍🌈 (hehe)

[comicteaparty]

May 2nd-May 8th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 2nd, 2020 to May 8th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What are some of the weirdest things you've Googled while researching for your story?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

For Whispers of the Past, the weirdest thing I googled was probably: "puncture wounds versus lacerations" and "chance of survival after getting stabbed." Pretty sure I also looked up: "treatment for arsenic poisoning," "lethal dose of arsenic," "arsenic in nature," "broken ribs symptoms and treatments," "pneumothorax," "can a horse kill someone by trampling them?" and "how far can you fall without dying?" Basically, just a bunch of medical questions. For another story, I think the weirdest thing I looked up was, "can you take antidepressants and sleeping pills together?" More medical questions

carcarchu

@ cronaj's answer "i swear i'm an author not a serial killer"

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Hmmm.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I think for me was searching up symptoms of PTSD, eating disorders, and also victims of cheating

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Probably that time trying to research poisonous substances available in Victorian and earlier households with potentially fatal results if ingested but not immediate, and their symptoms/treatments

The answer, incidentally, is that most of them aren't treatable if you've had a high enough dose to get symptoms.

And non-lethal doses tend to have unpleasant long term effects

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't remember all the crazy stuff I've looked up. What's popping into my head at the moment, though, is I did almost a month of research into time travel paradoxes for a plot that I ended up not using! So that's fun

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Also that Victorians kept arsenic (a white powder) in the same place as sugar (a white powder) in often unmarked containers since literacy was low and labels only work if you can read them

There was far more accidental poisonings from putting arsenic in your tea than I can count

carcarchu

what about having a picture of a skull and cross bones on the arsenic tin

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I think it was arsenic. Maybe cynanide...

Ahaha

You'd think so wouldn't you?

That's not even going into the whole thing about green dyes for clothing being made from arsenic as well I think and being uh

Literally fatal to wear?

Well done, Victorians.

Let me grab y'all a source for that one

https://youtu.be/K2McemVuG28

Here you go!

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh my god what the

Them victorians are so morbid

Did you know that they have a garden of poison

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Welcome to writing historical!

Yes I did

I wanna go

But yeah go back a century or two

Literally everything seems to be poisonous

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Arsenic, radium......damn they don’t follow WHMIS

carcarchu

wasn't even that long ago when they were putting mercury in everything

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Including NORMAL FOOD

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

And toys

Kids were playing with them

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Oh the Bradford Sweets Poisoning was a whole thing!

Hang on

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1858_Bradford_sweets_poisoning

This one is uh

Definitely worse

carcarchu

bruh

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Yeah

There's so much of this...

It's amazing humanity made it this far

So yeah that's what I've googled

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Would that...even fly here nowadays

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

What the arsenic

Nooope

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Hooooo god that is mildly terrifying

Like I make sweets for a living

I don’t even want to think how I’ll feel if I accidentally poisoned 200 people

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

It did lead to modern food hygiene laws and much better regulations on chemists being responsible for their supplies

But yep

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I remember someone telling me “Behind every rule/regulation was someone who got hurt or died”

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Yeahhhh

Sometimes also where there aren't rules because hahaha some companies are shit

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yeah it’s sucks and it’s even worse because you KNOW they’re just pushing the limits

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Capitalism has always been like that, it's just people can see it a bit more now

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yeah, the age of information has really exposed the nasty side of things huh Hmmm I think I’ve studied something really different for my webcomic. I was looking into the justice system and how it treated minors

And I had to look up burn victims/homicides soooooooooooo

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Whoops sorry for the ping, I thought you said mirrors not minors and was gonna ask

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh god that would be....completely different

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I'm writing about vampires, mirrors are more common (concept and word)..

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yes! I think it’s because back in the day silver was used in mirrors and that’s why you can’t see a vampire’s reflection

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

weirdest thing I searched so far is about er the male modeling industry and how they have to slap cheeks and junks to get the body to fill in clothing

and I wondered "do I need to do a deep dive in this or"

Nutty (Court of Roses)

I tried to look up what damaged vocal cords looked like, so i could show it when Count Bailey got poisoned, but I mostly got body camera shots inside a person's throat, so I had to largely wing it by darkening the veins in his neck lol Other than that, I have to look up Irish slang a lot, as Merlow slips into it more when he gets drunk.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I have a twittee thread somewhere about mirrors and vampires

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Okay tuyetnhi I’m a bit more...disturbed yet intrigued by that idea. Nutty yes I noticed that! I liked that small detail actually And Eilidh, i would love to see that twitter thread

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Yeah, I ended up making a deep dive and ho boi

it's darker than I expected LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I tried to look up people getting crushed by cars or falling objects but the videos were very blurry and made me dizzy so I just went fuck it my comic's not realistic anyways I'm winging it

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Probably an extensive search for all things occult? Its such a wide topic so it was daunting to sift through everything, but also really cool to see so many different cultures have been influenced by such things! Ive read some excerpts about the sixth sense and human capabilities too, very interesting!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!) That is the most splendidly weird research I have heard of

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I was trying to research for one of my characters and i'm just

the things they do

I scream everyday

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lol tuyetnhi got me to look it up but all I can find is stuff about sexual assault

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

that's what I mean

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

OH

:(

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Whoa okay

That’s really dark

Like I had to look up abuse relations

DanitheCarutor

Oh geez, I've looked up a lot of stuff. Recently I Googled public bathrooms and backs of toilets because I'm too lazy to get up and look at my own toilet. SAECKs/SAKs, the price with and without insurance, how it works and if men can use them. (Which was kinda sad that I didn't know they could although the resource was surprisingly hard to find, all except one link I found were about women using them.) I've looked up medical stuff like the different stages of certain cancers, their symptoms, treatments and other things involves like their effect on the person's mental health, if things like physical therapy is needed and the effects of the treatment along with the types of treatment needed. Also the cost with and without insurance, as well as cancer treatment facilities for people with low income. Various mental illnesses/disorders, the different types treatment, the effects of the treatment, as well as cost and facilities that offer free/cheaper treatment for people with low income. Lactose intolerance, celiac disease, gaslighting, trauma brought on by abuse. Things like the mental effects of children taking on adult responsibilities early on, growing up with lack of stability and human trafficking. Types of physical abuse that doesn't leave obvious bruising/scarring, psychological abuse (outside of gaslighting). Court stuff, like legal charges for attempted murder, court procedures. Caregiver programs for family members caring for someone with a severe mental illness. What actions are taken when someone files a charge for being drugged against their consent and the steps that need to be taken if your ID and credit cards/debit cards have been stolen, as well as what the police need do in those situations. Gosh, I can go on and on, just go on forever about all the things I've researched.

Most of it is medical and mental health related.

I feel this is fitting for some of the subjects we've Googled.

DanitheCarutor

Wow, I didn't realize how much I looked at the cost of stuff. Like a good chunk of my research has been dedicated to what different insurances cover, how much, the base price without insurance and payment plans for people in the latter category. I guess the upside is I'll have some knowledge on the different insurance companies if I ever get to a point where I can get it, as well as payment plan options if I'm ever hospitalized.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Googling images of cadaver hands for reference was... not a pleasant experience

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Most recently I was looking for heart dissections. I had to take a break cuz I was making myself feel sick X')

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Searching up burn victims was not fun either

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

also this has made me realize that artists can be a very morbid bunch

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeah like dang ya'll lmao

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I know someone who had to look up (a bit gory) "can you strangle/hang someone with your intestines"

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Chances are the audience is not gonna know either so

dunno how much accuracy matters in this situation :p(edited)

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I mean....unfortunately I know what it's like to see a drowned corpse So if it's accurate....I would...strangely appreciate it more?

Like you never know your audience

DanitheCarutor

When I was first starting to dabble in comics I was attempting this dark fantasy/mythology-ish story that would have some gore. I looked up stuff like "skull being crushed", "what does 'x' limb look like when being ripped off", "what does a corpse look like after sitting for 'x' many days". Most of my searched led me to the Best Gore site, which is totally recommended if you need references for your gory horror comic, but is NOT a site for the faint of heart. You will most likely get sick from the content... and the comment section.

Oddly enough, when I used to do the occasional stand alone gore-ish illustration I'd get 1-2 comments with people being grateful for the accuracy. It's... interesting that they would know what would and wouldn't be accurate with stuff like that.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh, I looked up burn victims before.... Yeah, I've looked up a lot of weird stuff.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I had to look up fresh and healed burnscar myself for a comic, a character survivived a housefire.

Most of the time I am googling history actually - and mostly tech-levels of a given time and what was contemporary with what - guns and knights for example co-existed for quite a few decades, that kind of stuff.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Y'know I'm thinking about it more, and I'm realizing why I can't recall the weird stuff I've looked up. I usually ask people for information! I know a lot of different kinds of people who are more than happy to talk about their experiences, so I can ask them for first hand experience with a lot of situations where I then don't really need to look up much other than to maybe fill some holes I have. It's a different kind of research

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Huh, the weirdest thing I’ve googled? Well, there’s the ever-uncomfortable ‘Googling certain body types for reference but probably looking like a creep to anyone who looks at my search history’. I’ve also googled very oddly specific things like ‘What is a 5-cube called?’ (It’s a pentaract). I’ve also watched videos that demonstrate how a bump key works, and to my FBI agent, I swear it was only for my comic. My search history gets pretty eclectic. I look up a lot of religious lore, and do lot of research into medieval times - mostly about the daily life of the average peasant. Also things like quantum physics, customs in other countries, and animal facts.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Just realizing that I once researched "medieval brewing." That was an interesting train of information.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

For a lot of gruesome or dangerous scenes, I try to aim the search toward movies and TV screencaps. Like, if you need to draw a crashing car, find a series with a dramatic car chase where they slammed a stunt car into a wall in high-def slow-mo.

kayotics

I think the weirdest thing I looked up was trying to figure out the answer to the question “is the gas released by decomposing bodies flammable? And if so how much gas do you need?”

eli [a winged tale]

now I’m curious what’s the answer

kayotics

The answer ended up being that if there was enough gas being created it was probably not enough to be flammable: aka it would not light up the room.

I ended up asking a friend who knows more about decomposition to figure out the answer, but I just wanted to make sure if a character brought a torch into a musty murder basement, it wouldn’t light them up like a Christmas tree

Mostly: it gets smelly and stale

eli [a winged tale]

Good to know!

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Hmm I think the wierd thing I looked up was whether Smile Therapy was a real practice? There are Photos too and I have a feeling it was real. Another thing I look up was; How would a real lady pirate dress in historical times? I did alot of extra research for some little visual hints.(edited)

I feel like Mob psycho nailed the creepiness of Smile Therapy because they were patients forced to pretend to smile, that's what I envision each time. That ep stayed with me(edited)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oh my god

Miranda

What is that picture from?? it's creepy haha(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

mob psycho 100

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

smile therapy is terrifying. Imagine getting punished if you didn't smile

in the end you'll be smiling as a conditioned reaction to fear, not because it's genuine

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Yes exactly, the original one was hard to record so the Google was ambiguous about its existence but there's photo proof that it was a thing

[malachitelibrary]

Magical Research Tips

This is a post to help streamline the search for decent info during your metaphysical studies. Note that this post is a collection of tips and for the most part is not in any chronological order. 

What type of resource should I go for?

I. If you’re looking for: How to do it, Reading about someone’s own personal magic experience, A perspective from the magical side, go for magical books written by magical people

II. If you’re looking for: possible evidence of how it works in the physical world, analyzing a practice from a non-magical standpoint: non-magical sources written by non-magical people

What sources/subjects for what? (For point II above)  

Anthropology sources/databases will serve you better than magic books, when researching for traditions/culture-specific paths. They're less likely to bastardize/butcher things past a certain time period.

Theological books will serve you better than some traditional religion/practice books.

Scientific, Medical,  and Psychological sources/databases will serve you better than healing books.

Why not magic books for proof, analyzation, or history?

Magic books WILL cherry pick evidence and case studies/experiments. And often, these experiments will be severely outdated (from the 1900’s), and they will have a meager amount of them; maybe 5 experiments throughout the entire book, while compared to the at least 10-20 of a typical scientific journal. And of course, these 5 experiments will be used as the Ultimate Proof, instead of treated like the coincidental evidence they are.

Their explanations of how the magic/practice works in this physical realm will be “because it’s magic!!”, instead of in science/medical journals where you will get actual possible scientific/notable psychological bases behind it such as neuroplasticity, the applied placebo effect, the impact of human willpower, etc.

As for analyzation....lmao literally what magic books written by a magical person have good analysis. Sarcastic tone aside, I mean this in a legitimate matter; most magical books focus on the practice itself rather than an analyzation of that practice.

As for anthropological books versus magic books, this is because most magic books will not get the history and other anthropological information correct. They do not provide a good scope of the whole of the culture or the history, and there may be a bit of bastardization as well.

When looking for case studies/experiments, these phrases are your friends:

Randomized controlled trial

Double blind

Also check how many times the experiment was cited in others’ experiments/research. Being cited more times, and even continuing to be cited several years into the future shows an excellent experiment with results that are trusted. 

For further research into who exactly conducted the experiment, pay attention to the order of the names. Usually the ones listed first will be those who did the most work on the research. 

Doing the Research:

When searching, databases with full text will be your friend. Full-text is when a database has the entire copy of a source or portion of a source, rather than only a summary or the abstract. There will often be a checkmark box in the advanced search to show only full-text options.

Reference books/encyclopedias for the most part actually suck ass (sorry britannica); information is usually shallow and not well-researched. At best it could be used to find other sources of information to look at, as they will list the citations.

!!PLEASE DO NOT REUPLOAD THE FULL TEXT TO PUBLIC WEBSITES!! This is why most databases aren’t free; to protect against people pirating.

If you want FREE:

PUBLIC LIBRARIES: Public libraries are your FRIEND. They are public for a reason! Most public libraries in the US will let you get a library card at no cost at all. Borrowing books costs nothing as long as you return them on time. Also, public libraries often have access to databases that do expect you to pay, and provide that database info for free! And to top it off with a touch of morality brownie points, libraries help to support many rising authors as they are often how many previously obscure books break the ice.

University/Academic Libraries: Many universities provide their library services to the public. Like public libraries, they will often have access to the paid databases provided for free! It is usually based on the university’s wi-fi so you shouldn’t need to create an account. Academic libraries also often have a large reference staff on hand; the job of reference staff is to provide research assistance to people and be specialized in a certain subject of information. Meaning, you can totally hit them up for an interview to ask questions about the subject, and/or for research help!

Make friends with students (especially graduate students), professors, or researchers of the subject you want to look into: That’s what friends are for! There’s a good chance they may have had to write a paper (or MANY) on the subject you’re looking into. Even if not, they could point you towards better sources. 

Not all sources are made equal:

Some sources fucking suck; they’re inaccurate, don’t have the best wording, aren’t too well researched, or they’re just plain wrong. It’s going to be hard to judge sources when you’re just getting started in your research, but the more you know, the quicker you’ll be able to spot bullshit. Note that you’re going to waste a lot of time initially reading something you later found out was bullshit; that’s okay! Finding out something previous that you read was bullshit shows that you are learning. Plus, as you get a better grasp of what sources are shit and what’s not, you’ll be able to decrease that “wasted time” by a lot- so, it pays to be selective. Of course you should take everything in metaphysical stuff with a grain of salt, but if you’re taking everything as grains of salt, then how do you know which sources are better? The answer is experience and continued research.

Some sources can also be good for certain things, and terrible for others- even though they are both written about in equal measures. Take that into consideration when analyzing a source- perhaps their information on working with fae and other nature spirits is absolutely solid! However, perhaps their information/views on harm by large spirits such as deities, etc, or their views on mundane magic (such as employment spells) is rather...absolutely terrible.

Also. Sometimes you’ll think someone’s the absolute best when you start out in your craft. Hell, they may even be someone who inspired your practice at the beginning. But maybe you’ll come back a few years later, with experience under your belt and realize...they were actually shit the entire time. Hey, it happens. But remember that it shows you’re growing.

Signs of a shit source:

Few/no citations for something that is obviously not their personal practice or something they are the creator of

Author is extremely opinionated but tries to pass their opinions as fact with no sources or poor arguments

For healing magic books, trying to tell you that it’s totally okay to not go to the doctor/therapist, and/or that magic can absolutely replace legit medical assistance or therapy. Or, the author makes outlandish claims such as “I was able to cure someone’s celiac disease (a chronic disease) through my healing touch practice.”

Words that say nothing (and it’s not because of scholarly grammar); signs of this: you read a paragraph like 3 times and nothing sticks, or it doesn’t make sense.

Any form of “you shouldn’t have to X for Y result because I don’t have to X” that is written in a factual/”all people should” tone instead of in a tone reflective of or an article specifically about personal experience

At first something sounds nice, but then think on what the author said, and you go “???” or “sure jan.” Example of this plus the above bullet: “With money spells, everyone puts too much focus on sending out job applications. I don’t think that’s necessary, I’m such a good and wanted employee that employers are literally calling me to ask if I want to work for them!”

Tone matters. While not always, tone can be indicative as quality in certain ways.

Arrogant with no backing tone; the author keeps jacking off to themself- they keep building up how “complex” and “difficult” their Uneeq practice is and then it ends up being something low-level like sending energy

It’s a baby-ish tone that focuses on hurt feelings. Example: I saw some post saying how “we shouldn't use the term UPG because it leads to hurt feelings.” Uh, no. It’s the inability to handle the disagreement often associated with the term UPG that leads to hurt feelings, not the term UPG itself like lmao grow up, with people like that it doesn’t matter what term you use, disagreement will hurt their feelings anyways  

Complains about “over-intellectualizing” in certain ways; tone of this type often disagree about UPG for stupid (not automatically mutually exclusive) reasons. I will write a post about Stupid Reasons UPG Conflicts in the future, but I’ll provide you with a short example for now: Person A: Ummm Spirit Species X looks blue to my. Person B: Uh no they look red!! That means you can’t be working with the same spirit species! (They continue to argue). Actual reason behind it: Spirit Species X has multiple races/ethnicities and countries of origin on their plane, and both individuals jumped to hasty conclusions about the entire race based on the One (1) individual they worked with.

Some examples of shit magic books (with explanations as to why, of course):

The Chaos Protocols by Gordon White - A long, long explanation that I could still add on even more here. Fits the first two bullets under “signs of a shit source”.

DJ Conway’s books:

Explanation 1

Explanation 2

Saving Time: You don’t have to read a book/article cover to cover.

You don’t have to. You don’t. Unless the information is extremely cumulative (such as in storybooks), you will almost never have to read the entire book/article. Nonfiction books are generally well-sorted into sections by topic, so as long as you know the general information of the topic you can absolutely skip around and get only what you need.

About Topics

Topics that have little to no historical resources/traditions (if any at all):

Energy work of anything besides humans

Energy work in general that goes beyond “meditate!! Energy balls!”

Energy systems of spirits

Energy Signatures

Energy parasites (as in spiritual energy parasites)

Classifications of energy elements that go beyond the main four (5 if you include “spirit)

Discernment of types of spirits from one another (Note: you’ll likely just find a LOT of ableism and misogyny, especially in texts concerning differentiating angelic possessions versus “demonic”)

Discernment/vetting of spirits in general

Any spirits that aren’t already established in lore

Astral travel (the non golden standard that most people use today)

Actual anthropology of spirits (what their culture is like, what languages they speak, how their children are raised, etc); at best you will find only their mythologies, which represent only a minor portion of the spirit’s population or a single individual that is commonly mistaken for a whole species (The One(1) Minotaur  in Greek myth)  

Differentiating between varying levels of astral planes

Differentiating between energy system layers (and how they may relate to astral planes)

How humans can be shards/facets of large spirits such as deities, archangels, etc

Ways to repel/defend against Large Spirits that are harming you where the human(s) actually win (so NOT giving them offerings so they leave you alone, which was a trend for more merciless deities)

Biases/Perceptual filters, Discernment/Judgement in general

Energetic/Psychic Vampires (as in humans who are dependent on outside magical energy intake; NOT the spiritual species)

Eldritch spirits (actual working Info about the spirits besides lore)

Energetic Source wells (as in,those “ultimate”, apparently endless sources of energy)

So for these topics, you will likely be doing most of the writing/discovering yourself; these topics have little to no, if any at all, historical books for them.

Topics that have history but are rarely spoken in-depth (specifics given), or much in-depth knowledge has been lost:

Correspondences (such as herbs, crystals, etc)

Sex magic

Topics that are commonly spoken about but have much contradicting information:

Human energy systems (tip: ime people can have diff energy systems)

Topics that you’ll need to sift through fluffy, incorrect, shallow information, or extremist views for:

Anything involving angels

Chakras

Reiki

Any sort of “healing touch” practice

Empath/Empathic Abilities; also little to no info for how it works energy work wise 

How crystals work energy-work wise

Any sort of demonic spirit work (most demon workers vary from extremely fearful/hating of them or revering them as wholly benevolent)

Ars Goetia/Lesser Key of Solomon (in addition to above point, there are some views claiming Every Single One Is Actually Secretly A Deity which...I have opinions on in here)

Topics that are generally oral-tradition, secretive, closed in some form, or people are just overall not willing to disclose:

Soul retrieval

Energy work for the soul

Most forms of shamanism

Most indigenous traditions

Traditional witchcraft (though note some sects are more open than others)

Spiritual Conjuration (as in calling for a specific spirit with a billion protections/filters to make sure you get the right one)

Hereditary Witchcraft

Hedge Witchcraft

Feri traditional witchcraft

Clan of Tubal Cain aka Cochrane tradition of witchcraft

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Current Post Version: 21 December 2017

As with all of my posts, please check the permalink for the most updated version as I do regularly come back and make additions/edits.

[bigfootsgirlfriendd]

back 2 THIS oversharing but i am going to mildly shove my mother. i love her AND!!!! she buys me junk. like...hello. the kind bar is one thing but she noticed the first week of quarantine the part of this ED i actually find ugly reared its head as in i ate...too many corn chips and wanted to die and worked off the calories which also made me want to die...and during that i built some muscle from all the fucking workouts but in my quadriceps and then i was like now i REALLY want to kill myself. but anyways. i complain because what the fuck else do i have to say. not a hell of a lot. to continue complaining....she bought me corn chips and like!!! ones specifically for me and i was thinking in my head ‘i will take you out.’ i didnt ask for it. ive been stressing that i dont want to eat that shit. like i talked to her about it and how distressing it is for me. i mean think about it. a little. it’s hard to describe what it’s LIKE to feel so horrific about shit food and your body even when you are still like a size 2-4 and so i should just shut up, right? but the physical reality doesnt even matter. ok it does because when your dumbass disordered brain makes u eat shit guess what. the amount of PHYSICAL pain it causes. i potentially have celiac and the fact that i would still eat bread and it was fucking EXCRUCIATING. and i know pain, given i am female. this was worse than the cramps that had me lying on the ground for a solid hour. just waiting for it to be over. 

anyways. it’d been awhile since the last grocery run (well, about a week) and FINALLY. i was making progress for a few days. feeling good! eating my regular healthy shit and NOTHING. ELSE. it just sucks so bad when people around you eat like shit and don’t care. luckily i have like..the vegan thing and telling myself (though i can’t confirm it, like, NOW) that i have celiac has helped. but every damn day dude!! my f*ther is constantly shitting on my sister for eating a lot of sugar and saying ‘she’s gonna get diabetes’ which...isn’t wROnG per se but like sir your body is already failing you every damn day of the week and you eat like shit! who’s the one eating shit tons of red meat, mayonnaise (which, btw...that should be a crime that gets you put in jail. none of this weed shit. if you eat mayo....straight to prison), BEER. like sir what the fuck did you think would happen. my mother...is interesting lmao she eats a lot of shitty things but small amounts and then continues to eat small amounts of actually good things too ‘to compensate.’ is she rail thin? no! then why do i feel insecure? well!! that is my issue to deal with. issues? probably. i just want to like...manifest my own like shed. doesnt have to be large or anything. shed. with my kitchen and pots and pans and spoons and not oNE of them has been used to cook something gross. and those pantry shelves? you’ll see nothing but legumes, broth and almond milk! PERIOD. (okay...unless i’ve forgotten something else). 

what i am saying is all i asked for food wise was fruits, vegetables, broth, almond milk. baby carrots as a snack for the hummus in the fridge. and she bought me a family size bag of corn chips and a glorified candy bar of a product (less sugar? maybe so. but who the fuck cares? it’s literally all trash). maybe i will crush them up and flush them down the toilet. i hate to be wasteful. but it is waste is it not. then i have to wash the container tonight. and she bought another box of gluten free crackers. which....ma’am. they have sugar added. im not gonna fucking touch them. why would you do this. 

it’s so wild cause growing up i always thought my mom, at least, was healthy. that as a family we were healthy. but i feel like in america we have such a warped view of what that actually fucking means. and this is on the east coast, too! i can’t imagine the midwest. i’m a skeleton in the grave there i’m sure. which isn’t entirely their fault. but anyways. but looking at all this shit. like....i want to scream? kind of? 

i would, but...best not to have neighbors think that you’re getting murdered. although...i think that people feel like neighbors would do something if they heard noises. but let’s be real. every time some random knocks on the door we play dead until it goes away. let telemarketers go to voicemail. block out sirens with noise cancelling headphones or, country version (rural?) if you hear some whack shit out in the woods? like fuck are you gonna go out there and investigate! you’re gonna go ‘well that’s none of my business’, pretend to forget you heard it, and move on! i don’t know how many of these sentences are coherent. 

i’m gonna go eat some baby carrots now. fuck.