#anyway hope this was a decent response i've had A Day and so my ramblings might be more scattered than usual

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

Anyway I got notified that I'll be getting a nice $$ bonus from work today and I wish that I could celebrate with someone in a way that didn't just feel like obnoxious bragging. Like beyond the financial aspect, it's just nice to be recognized for good work and I actually feel... good?? about this job??

But it feels so silly to say I want to celebrate when I just got back from what felt like my first real vacation in a very long time and am doing cool comic con stuff this weekend and am scheduled for a new tattoo next weekend. I am already doing lots of things to try to make myself feel good! It feels selfish to want more!

But I guess even with all of that, there's just still a hunger for external validation from trusted sources. Will I ever grow out of wanting someone to be proud of me?

[navree]

Visenya + Maegor are Alicent + Aegon 2.0 ? If Aegon the Uncrowned was older and had better supporters could there be the first Dance much earlier?

I'm never one to smack down headcanons, especially when everything surrounding the Conquerors and the sons of the dragon and those generations are incredibly open to interpretation due to the lack of concrete information we have on interpersonal dynamics, but I don't personally see them as proto Alicent and Aegon. For one, it does depend on which version of Alicent and Aegon someone's thinking of, just because the show versions of their characters are vastly different from their book versions (Alicent in particular is incredibly different even though I love both versions of her, and Aegon in the book is significantly more well adjusted than our wet eyed king as portrayed by TGC). For two, the relationships do seem to be incredibly different. One of the things, to me at least, that shaped Visenya and Maegor's relationship is the isolation. Yes, Viserys doesn't seem to have been very involved in the upbringing of Alicent's children in the book, and we know in the show that he was the deadbeat dad to end all deadbeat dads, but Aegon and Helaena and Aemond and Daeron still had other people in their support systems. In both versions of the story, they had Otto and they had Criston Cole and they also had each other. Maegor is his mother's only child, raised primarily at her side, in a time where she was not involved at court and was keeping to herself on Dragonstone, which passed down to her son keeping to himself as well, and he doesn't seem to have interacted with any kids his age beyond just beating them in swordfights and unseating them in tourneys. He canonically wasn't close with Aenys when they were kids, and he did not grow up with his father, their relationship likely confined to whenever Aegon spent time at Dragonstone, which was rare given how he and Visenya had already pulled away from each other and lived separate lives at that time. Maegor and Visenya appear to have only had each other, which I think can be found in Maegor's later life, particularly in his search for wives and the way the one he was the most attached to, Tyana, is the most like Visenya (not entirely dissimilar to the way that Henry VIII kept looking for wives that closely emulated his mother, Elizabeth of York). So Visenya championing Maegor's cause as a contender for the throne, and Maegor's willingness to go along with it, comes from a much different motivation. It's Visenya looking out for, at this point, the only person that really matters to her, and putting her blood and her only love over everything else. Alicent's motivations, while they do contain a similarity (Alicent in both versions is also clearly motivated by love for her children) with Visenya's, are a lot more varied, based on things like her own issues with Rhaenyra and the law of the land and concerns about the fate of her children during a Rhaenyra monarchy that Visenya wouldn't have had for Maegor if Aegon the Uncrowned had been able to take the throne. There's also the fact that Maegor and Visenya and Alicent and Aegon are all incredibly different people, and as such would obviously have vastly different interpersonal dynamics based on who they are, even if there are some surface levels similarity of "monarch who wasn't thought of as the successor by the previous king takes throne, has mom who's on his side about it".

As for whether a Dance-esque situation could have arisen if Aegon the Uncrowned were older and had better supporters, I don't think that would have happened either. For one thing, Aegon was sixteen/seventeen and legally an adult according to all Westerosi societal customs during this time, so age wouldn't have mattered that much (and Aegon II was also pretty young when he took the throne, 22 in the book and 19 or 20 at maximum in the show) in the grand scheme of things. But there are a lot of much more complex factors at play. One of the reasons why the Dance was so contentious and such a disaster for the realm at large was because of how muddied the waters were. There really wasn't a "wrong" side to support, both because Rhaenyra and Aegon had competing legal claims with their own individual merits and also because birthright monarchy is a scam and the only right side would have been the creation of democracy, but I digress. There were a lot of factors at play making things complicated when everyone started picking sides that just didn't really exist in Maegor and Aegon the Uncrowned's struggles. You can't really call anyone in the Dance a usurper, for instance. But what Maegor did is very clear usurpation. He was pretty far down the line of succession, no matter which way it was cut. If the Targaryens wanted to follow absolute primogeniture, then during Aenys's reign he would have been behind Aegon and Aerea and Rhaella and Viserys and Jaehaerys and Alysanne. If the Targaryens wanted to just go with male dominant primogeniture, then he still would have been behind Aegon and Viserys and Jaehaerys. He was well down the line and there was a plethora of heirs ahead of him with a more direct claim. Unlike Aegon, who is relying on the legal precedent of male inheritance that's been the law in Westeros for quite some time, Maegor didn't have that loophole. He literally just took a crown that he was not entitled to in any legal way, simply because he had the biggest dragon and he wanted it. And that's the key thing here. Because the thing is, none of the rest of it matters. Even if Aegon was older, if that were a factor, or even if he had more loyalists, it wouldn't have mattered. What made the Dance as drawn out as it was compared to other Targaryen dynastic disputes, like Maegor and Aegon the Uncrowned, was that the Targaryens involved were evenly matched when it came to firepower. Each side in the Dance has a wide variety of dragons under their commands of varying power (the Blacks have more, but a lot of them are young, whereas the Greens have less but they're all pretty well disciplined and old and therefore more powerful) that keeps everyone on their toes. There's a reason why the Dance kind of effectively ends after the Blacks lose nearly all of their dragons; with Sunfyre as the oldest and most powerful dragon left in active combat (Rhaena's is way too small and Nettles had already vanished with Sheepstealer) the Black claimant, Rhaenyra, does not have anything to fight him and Aegon with, and as we know, it ends badly for her. And what doomed Aegon the Uncrowned in his fight against Maegor was dragon firepower. Aegon could have had all the allies and ground support he wanted, and maybe it would have made life harder for Maegor, but Quicksilver cannot square up with Balerion. In a straight fight, Quicksilver loses, which is exactly what happens. And even if Aegon had more support, it still would have pretty quickly dissipated after Balerion full on eradicates him and Quicksilver below God's Eye.

The Dance overall was just a very different set of circumstances that can't really be applied to other eras of Targaryen history and other dynamics and other squabbles, that's what makes it so unique and so interesting.

[pbs-theundeadmaggot]

₊°✧︡˗ˏˋ❤ˎˊ˗ 𝖩𝖺𝗇𝗎𝖺𝗋𝗒 ₊°✧︡˗ˏˋ❤ˎˊ˗

I hope everyone has had an amazing start to the new year, I know it can be tough and January lowkey sucks but it will get better! 2022 for me was a long year of recovery and somehow I'm kinda clean (although I still don't know how to feel about it, especially when people comment on how much 'better' I'm doing but I'm taking it a day at a time.) Anyways, I kinda feel like 2023 might be a good-ish year so I hope it is for you too <3

ps. I know this list is early but I'm like a toddler who gets to excited to wait for anything and ruins it, so here is the early but one of my favourite rec lists to make. (idk why but it was particularly fun this month lol)

this year I'm also gonna try putting out some decent content starting with my fics (available here). I'm currently only writing for Steve and Eddie from Stranger things but in the future I may try writing for other fandoms (the Xavier Thorpe fic was a self indulgent piece idk if I'll carry on writing for him though), I'd really appreciate anyone to give feedback and reblog cause it keeps me motivated (pls I'm actually begging for some attention lmao my last two fics have got like zero attention and I genuinely don't know if I'm a shit writer or something else lmao, pls even if you hate it lmk! I'll take anything atp).

anyways... ignore my rambles as always, the last piece of news im sharing is my new series I'm starting soon! where I'll be diving into the history of metal and what it means to the community etc so if thats something you'd be interested in you are more than welcome to join the army of maggots I've got going on (I say an army but I'm pretty sure it's just me lol).

[please respect writers terms, I am not responsible for what kind of content you consume but please be aware that minors will be blocked if they chose to interact with 18+ content.]

more fic recommendations available here

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖲𝗍𝖾𝗏𝖾 𝖧𝖺𝗋𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗍𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

The mixtape detectives by @babyrunsforfanfic

Want me like I want you by @beezywriting

Under the covers by @stevesbabysittingservice

Hey Steven by @munsonsreputation

If you loved me (why’d you leave me?) by @1986harrington

When we are together by @foreverromanticising

I’m never going to dance again, the way I danced with you by @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

Love as sweet as honey (and lover I’m hungry) by @stevebabey

Time after time by @musingginger

Sharing secrets by @livingintheupsidedown

A virtual romance (new series!) by @justmeinadaze

Tis the damn season (series!) by @katyswrites

Bad at love by @loveshotzz

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖤𝖽𝖽𝗂𝖾 𝖬𝗎𝗇𝗌𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Need you tonight by @sebuckyverse

Flipped by @ashwhowrites

Bottom of the bottle by @fanficsgal0re

New sensation by @darkdarkroom

Fooled round & fell in love (series!) by @bimbobaggins69

Lavander haze by @munsonsreputation

I think I’ve loved you forever by @cinemaquinn

Something new by @newlips

In the middle of nowhere (ongoing series!) by @sweetpeapod

Mine and yours by @muertawrites

Morning coffee by @jamdoughnutmagician

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖡𝗎𝖼𝗄𝗒 𝖡𝖺𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗌 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Side effect by @delaber

cherry blossom by @buckycuddlebuddy

Everyone’s watching him (but he’s looking at her) @writing-for-marvel

Shouldn’t have gone by @imyourbratzdoll

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖫𝗈𝗄𝗂 𝖫𝖺𝗎𝖿𝖾𝗒𝗌𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Chocolate & promises by @michelleleewise

lost prince (ongoing series!) by @xxntiimulti

For better or for worse (ongoing series!) by @wheredafandomat

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖷𝖺𝗏𝗂𝖾𝗋 𝖳𝗁𝗈𝗋𝗉𝖾 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Flower power by @pythonees

Siren song by @wintervalewritersecond

Rumors by @yourmidnightlover

Kiss me and shut up by @elysianrogers

Invisible string by @mntalbrakdown

Foxglove to adorne thy dells (ongoing series!) by @nevermoremagic

Something that we’re not by @profound-imagination

Artists collide by @shesluxurious

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖱𝖺𝖿𝖾 𝖢𝖺𝗆𝖾𝗋𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

So gorgeous it actually hurts by @folkloreslovechild

[lovings4turn]

sincerest apologiiiiiies for my delay in response too !! i've been sleepy + also i've had this odd-ish !? sinking feeling since this morning but it's a little bit better as of now !!

i so so so appreciate your words of motivation to give me the /pull through/ vibes, which i shall !! no reason to doubt a girl who's barely 5ft, your honour, i **will** pull through !! ALSO I'M SORRY YOU KEEP HAVING TO HEAR ME RAMBLE ABOUT IT !! (and to anyone reading too, i apologise 😔)

ooh, i'm glad to hear that you got in some social time but i also saw you had an early shift today, how did it end up going !? hopefully not too bad ?! also also, did you put something on the burn !? like aloe vera, erm.. hielo - er, ice !! that's the word. i swear i'm not flexing my language skills, my brain truly talks to me in all 6 of those languages and i'm just like "woahh, calm yo arse down, darling."

how have i been ?? erm. great question !! 🤩🤩 i think all has been.. decent ?? nothing extra brilliant and/or noteworthy but also nothing crappy !! just... life lifing. i do just want to go home though, i refuse to deal w/ this weather. HOW HAVE /YOU/ BEEN !? alles goed, liefje !?

annnyway, nice to chat !! love and miss you bunches, liefje !!

OH !! IK HEEFT EEN VRAAG !! what is your favourite thing to make at your shifts !? in terms of fun-ness of making it AND taste wise. this could be two different things !!

whydoitypesm,ohmygosh,itbecomesanessay. 😭 anyways, again !! take care of yourself + stay alive and hydrated and well fed !! yours truly, you know who. NO, NOT VOLDEMORT. DON'T SAY IT. 🤺🤺

a little joke! a man walks into a fruit market and picks up some raspberries, kiwis, melon, and strawberries but upon seeing a mango, he leaves it all behind and leaves the market. why so !? 🤭🤭

i fear all our conversations are going to start with apologies for the delay ,, yet here i am to do exactly that lovely 😭 i'm so so sorry cause i know that feeling is the WORST but i'm so glad y'feeling a little better (and i hope you're feeling much better now!!! or else i will fight the universe!!!)

you will pull through i know it !!! i am actually your number one supporter n have every faith in you love !! and no apologies at ALL are necessary here i assure you <333 rambling gets us all through , sincerely possibly the biggest yapper in the whole world

the early shift was an interesting one !! it's the first time i've started on the opening ,, and the first two and a half hours were actual heaven cause we had barely any customers ,, so i could just dick about a bit and make myself some drinks to wake up , but the mid morning rush killed me because there was only me and my co-worker at the time😭😭

the burn is healing !!! she was ran under so much cold water and covered in some sort of cream , so she's doing well thank GOD (though my hands are now littered in teeny tiny scars from burns and such - the price i pay ig😔) and honestly ?? i wouldn't blame you for flexing the language skills because it impresses me every single time my god

i totally get what you mean and i'm glad nothing awfully bad has happened !!! here's me manifesting that the weather brightens up for you (because i do not know how you deal with it , and that's coming from someone in northern england😭)

it's so , so nice to hear from you again my lovely , and i'm sending you all of the love and joy i can grasp from the universe (which is a lot , trust me) look after yourself n show yourself all of the love and kindness you deserve or else !!!! the whatchamacallits will come out trust !!!!!

AND AAHHH I LOVE THIS QUESTION !!! in terms of general yumminess , i'd have to go for the cinnamon latte because my god it makes the entire shop smell heavenly every single time i have to make one (and i consume at least two every shift) but in terms of fun-ness , i'm a flat white girly all the way !!! getting to make little designs is actually the highlight of my day (i managed to make a bear last shift and the woman it was for was overjoyed)

i've sat here and wracked my brain for so long trying to find this punchline and i'm coming up totally empty - i'm stubborn and refuse to google it , too , so !!! why does he leave the market love !!! i look forward to finding out 🤭🤭🤭

[ego-meliorem-esse]

So ummmm

Yeeeeah

I took some time off

From life in general tbh

I know this is starting off as a poem but don't let that scare you off. It's not.

I'm gonna rant a bit so if you wanna skip my ramblings you're more than welcome to.

So a couple of months back I fell into a shitty situation (got diagnosed with some bad mental stuff and still I have to do some tests) and kinda disappeared. As I've come to learn mental health is a much more important thing than a lot of people believe. It's not a "oh well I'll be better tomorrow" and then not being better and falling into the same loop day after day. It's a tricky thing because if there is one day where you feel better you think to yourself that the bad days you had up to then are invalid because you've had that one day and you're getting better on your own. I wasn't getting better on my own. I excluded everyone from my day to day life. Even family. I stayed in my room from dusk till dawn. I wasn't crying. I wasn't having mental breakdowns like I had been maybe a  week prior. I was just existing in my own melancholy and sadness and honestly regret. But that was a minimum. I almost had no emotions at all at some points. No interests either. I slept. That was the extent of my hobbies. The worst part was that I had no reason to feel like I did or to experience what I had. I have a decent place to stay, a good life, amazing parents, I go to an excellent college... And yet. The sorrow wasn't going away. Where I'm from phychiatry is a taboo. But off I went anyway. I got so tired from life and so tired from existing and yet I somehow still apparently had enough will to live to seek help. Good thing I did too. My doctors are amazing. Shoutout to Dr. Z and Dr. L lmao. In retrospective I can say now that college fucked me up. That combined with my already crumbling mental health was what broke me . So with the recommendation of my doctors, I froze my college year (I hope that's how you say it in English). Now I am focusing on my English and German C1 certificates along with my graphic design certificate. I finally have the time to. As cringy as it is, I'm finally focusing on myself. On something other than college and doing something that I wanna do without my academic responsibilities weighing down on me with every step I take. Looking back on everything I always felt like I was waiting for my life to begin all this time .

I don't wanna feel like that anymore.

TLDR:

I felt like crap for the last couple of months, got help and now I'm better :)

[jenodunno]

Studying

a/n: aish i’m sorry i haven’t written in a while, i have no excuses for myself other that i had no inspiration to write. Anyways i hope you enjoy this cute little story of Jaemin tutoring you hehe

pairing: Jaemin x Reader

warnings: none ?

"How can you even get good grades in this class" You sigh looking at your boyfriend's test paper that the teacher just handed out.

"I don't know," He shrugs looking over at the grade on your paper "But I do know I'm better at it then you" He lets out a small laugh

"Instead of laughing you should be a good boyfriend and help me" You sulk, laying your head on your desk.

Let's just say Human Anatomy isn't the class you do best nor do you even like it, but the sadly you still need to pass the class to no disappoint your parents.

"Of course I'll help you out, love," He smiles looking at you before petting your head "I'll come over after school, like that we can get started"

"Wait, what ? Now ?" You asked in disbelief "I know I asked for help but not right away I want to rest my brain a little"

"Yah...no, the faster we study the faster you'll understand what's going on and anyways the next test is schedule for next week so it's best if you start now, love." He says letting out a small laugh at the end when you sighed once again for like the one hundredth time.

"Fine" You mumble burying your face in your hands.

-

Wednesday at your place, (A week till the test)

"Wait" Jaemin says trying to hold back his laughter while looking at the test you received back from your teacher yesterday because he's a great boyfriend and doesn't want to laugh at your failure "You're really going to tell me you don't know where the esophagus is,"

"No, I know where it is, It's just that-"

"Then why did you put throat instead,"

"Because technically-"

"No baby no, technically it isn't our throat"

“Well technically yes because when we eat food goes down in it-“

“I can tell this is going to be long” He sighs chuckling

“Heyy don’t laugh at me !” You huffed, pushing him lightly “can we take a break we've been reviewing for hours" You sighed

"It's only been 30 minutes, my love," Jaemin says and looks at you with an 'are you serious' face "And I pretty sure we'll need more than that if you don't know where the esophagus is" He chuckles

"You're really not going to let me go for that one" You say getting up off the floor

"Nope" He smiles at you, before kissing you on the nose.

-

Thursday at Jaemin's place, (6 days till the test)

"Maybe you'll focus more at my place" Jaemin mumbles opening the front door for the both of you.

"What's that suppose to mean" You say looking up at him

"I mean that, maybe studying in another environment that's not your usual one might help you focus more" He explains

"I practically live here with you, Jae" You looked at him laughing a little

“Yeah yeah whatever, come on” He laughs stepping a side a little letting you go in first before closing the door behind himself.

After getting settled on the kitchen counter with all the school work laid out in front of you guys and Jaemin to your left you try to pay attention. In the end you actually are paying attention to what Jaemin is showing and explaining to you, maybe he was right earlier....

"So as long as you can try to remember this graphic by heart you'll at least get a 10 out 35 on the test" He says trying to make you feel better

"Yah but that isn't enough," You blow out a breath

"I know it isn't, love, but that's still better than the grades you got yesterday, and anyways I'll try my best to help you" He says grabbing your hand into his own "Anyways let's focus on this chapter, most of the vocabulary and work that'll be on the test is in this chapter, okay ?" He says softly looking at you and when you nod at him he starts explaining.

After 2 hours of studying flying by, you both decide to take a break.

“You know I hope you focused more on what I was explaining to you and not my face.” He smirks before drink out of his water bottle

“W-what do you mean,?!” You answered back in a flustered state “I was paying attention to you.”

“Yeah to me or to what I was explaining,” He chuckles before raising an eyebrow at you “because to me it seemed like you were paying more to me, as in my face and not the work.”

"T-that's not true," You defended

"Come on just admit to it and I'll give you a kiss" He once again lifts the corner of his lips forming a smirk

"J-jaemin !"

-

Saturday at Jaemin's place, (4 days till the test)

You don't know if Jaemin is actually a really good tutor or he is a good tutor because suddenly you can understand things you didn't think you could or at least you think so. I guess you could say you were lucky to have him.

"Are you guys really studying on a Saturday ?" Jeno says walking in Jaemin's house as if it's his own with a basketball in his hands

"Hmm, Oh yeah I'm helping my princess over here not fail for our next test" Jaemin hums a response to Jeno barely acknowledging his presence "Anyways, do you understand the graphics over here, It's explaining how the fluids in-"

"What's up fuckers" Donghyuck says bursting into the living room with a football soccer ball in his hand "Jeez it's literally the weekend and you both are in here studying, tsk, you know it feels really good outside ?" He smirks at you, dropping his weight on the couch "I would say the weather is about 28 degrees with a few clouds and the wind is-"

"You know it's better to stay in here than to be outside with your presences," You playfully glare at him

"Oh come on, stop acting like you hate me when you don't" He laughs before throwing the ball his holding in the air before catching it again.

"Stop being lame Donghyuck," Jeno chimes in "Anyways come on Jaems, It won't kill to take a little break and have fun, right Y/N ?"

"Okay, okay fine how about about we take a small break," Jaemin says getting up before smiling at how happy you looked

Let's just say it wasn't a small break you both took.....

-

Tuesday afternoon in the library (The day before the test)

"I'll never understand why it's so important to learn this, I honestly don't care about the human anatomy and how it works," You whine pushing your folder away from you

"You know your only learning about this because you chose this course" Jaemin says letting out a small laugh at your defeat

"Yeah well I only chose the scientific course because I wanted to have Laboratory but even that is hard and boring, I should have chosen the literature course like that I would of gotten art and I'm pretty sure that is much more fun and less hard than this human body thing. And also I wouldn't be alone because Renjun is there" You ramble out.

Jaemin pauses looking at you, then looking at all the school work flared out in front of you both before letting out a small sigh with a light laugh at the end.

"Look baby, I'm going to be honest with you. I know we've been studying for this test since last week but going the way we are going and the fact that the test is tomorrow, you're going to fail this test, I love you, but there's nothing we can do about it now" Jaemin says looking over at you before you let your head fall on the table with a bang gaining peoples attention. Jaemin just smiles at them before bringing his attention back to you caressing your back

"I knew it, I'm going to fail again and like you said there's nothing we can do" You mumble out lowly with a sigh following at the end

Jaemin doesn't respond but just sits there and comforts you.

-

Wednesday, ( test day )

The moment the teacher handed out the test papers, you knew you were doomed. On the first page you barely understood anything and the second page even less, though on the third page there was the graph that you studied so hard to remember, which you shockingly did. While filling out the graph you started remembering a few things Jaemin had taught you a few days prior.

30 minutes passed by pretty fast before you heard your teacher's timer going off "Okay times up, everyone pens down" He then proceeded to collect everyone's papers before going back to his desk to grade them leaving the class to do whatever.

"So how do you think you did ?" Jaemin says looking over at you, who was staring at the bracelet you were wearing

"Hm ? Oh umm well honestly I'm pretty confident, after I completed the graph suddenly things you had explained came into my head and I feel like I got a lot of things correct !" You say cheerfully. You honestly do think you did pretty well, all the answers suddenly came into your head at one pointed so yeah you are confident in yourself.

"I'm glad to hear that you're confident, It puts me at ease knowing I tutored you well" He smile at you like always

"Of course you did, you're a pretty good tutor y'know now I understand why Jisung always comes to you for help" You laugh softly

-

"Good morning everyone, i hope that today has been a pretty decent day for you all" Your teacher speaks out to the class walking in front of his desk. "Now before you ask yes I've graded yesterdays test, I will now hand them out" Your teacher announces.

"Yay finally, I could barely sleep last night because of this." You giggled cheerfully

Your teacher finally reaches yours and Jaemin's desk handing out your papers. When giving Jaemin his paper, you didn't miss your teacher giving him a small pat on his shoulder before giving you your paper with a small smile on his face. Giving him a small smile back you checked out your grade on the top right of the paper. The moment your eyes landing on your grade, you practically had stars popping out out of them.

With a little squeal of happiness you turn your paper around to show it to your lover with a huge grin on your face.

"Look !" You beamed happily at your boyfriend "Ahh thank you so much" Leaning in giving him a hug

"You're welcome my love," He chuckles looking down at you on his chest, reaching to pat your head "But you do know that having a 14/30 doesn't exactly mean you passed"

But you were quick to look at him and shush him with a finger to your lips "Don't ruin it for me, it's the highest grade I've gotten in this class" As your face changed from having a playful pout on it to having a smile letting a few giggles escape from your lips.

[i-did]

hi hello i couldn't sleep last night so i was scrolling thru all ur asks and stuff and ur opinions and analyses are so interesting!!! and then afterwards i was thinking about what u were saying about mlm smut and i'd also been thinking about such things a little bit recently bc like.....at a certain point it becomes quite clear that the vast majority of smut-writing is just imitation. like there's the sex noise verb list and all and the whole general mechanics of the sex and those things just .... replicate over and over. and the whole thing w people writing mlm vs wlw smut regardless of their own sexual orientation..... like i feel like a big part of that is just a self-perpetuating thing. like if u have not had sex and u r getting all ur (pleasure-related) sex ed from fandom (even if u do watch porn, that doesn't rlly tell u how to describe stuff? idk) regardless of What fandom , the majority is going to be mlm smut. which is itself majority imitation of other mlm smut, imitating and imitating back to whoever knows what the first smut fanfic was etc. there's just way More to mimic than there is on the women side of things. which then becomes a self-perpetuating thing, bc the mimicry continues and generates more and more. and---if there are fundamental misunderstandings of anatomy involved---those self-perpetuate as well. and maybe even exaggerate. and yeah. does this all make sense? idk i was just thinking about it. like all the stereotypes and stuff continue bc writers are getting their inspo from other writers rather than their own brains. or something. idk!!!!! it's just all... divorced from reality? bc words. or something!! i hope u get what i'm trying to say. just thoughts i've been thinking. anyway i think ur thoughts are cool. and ur writing. ok bye have a good day!!

Okay yeah this is kinda messy but hope u see this, uhh yeah I think you're right about the echo chamber effect fr about stuff. I think it's a mix of projecting too sometimes. talk more under the cut and also link to a video essay since I love video essays.

Here’s a video that sort of touches on this topic: 

“Gay fanfiction” by Sarah Z. (has CC)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8E_C00dKwI

This video begins to talk about fetishization at the end, but also… not really. The words “gay fanfiction” is used as a catchall, when really gay fanfiction is largely mlm written by non-mlm.

Fandom is a largely women's space dominated by the female gaze in a media industry world that is dominated by men and the male gaze. I'm really glad women have this space to explore creativity and queerness, and I don't expect the female gaze to go away, but I am still ultimately bummed out I can’t read most fanfic or interact with most fandom spaces without having fetishization in my face. 

So about 80% of fandom is women, and most of those women aren't straight, but 90% of those women prefer mlm ships. Why don’t they prefer wlw ships? Well definitely part of it is the fact that queerbaiting is centered around white straight men, and then there is also the fact that women tend not to be written as well charcter wise. But the fact still remains that you get jerjean getting priority over Layla and Alvarez who are in canon just as much and are a canon wlw couple who actually interact as well as Alvarez could likely be a woc because of her Hispanic last name. Korasami doesn’t get nearly as much hype as zuko and saka, despite the fact that they are 2 fully dimensional characters who canonly kiss and hold hands, something the creators fought for and ended up having to sacrifice another reboot for. 

I do believe the fandom echo-chamber is largely responsible for… a lot of things, like you're saying. But what's interesting is that the complaints I've heard about visual porn from non mlm in the fandom space is that they can’t get off to it because its for the male gaze and misogynistic usually. But they also don't seem to notice how the mlm smut circles has the female gaze and is also… almost always mlm. If it was a pure anatomical not knowing thing, I get that, but I also think that leads to the question of “then why the male body for porn, and not your own? The one you know and are familiar with?” 

I know some people want to get outside of their own body for porn and don’t want to think of their own anatomy at all, but overall I'm still uncomfortable. If an anglo said “well I watch porn of only Mexicans so I don't self insert” I'm gonna be like … hhhh in a similar way. I understand people “like what they like” but I wish they also noticed said patterns in the first place. I understand the t4t tumblr porn circle, and how it's different from cis people who only watch trans porn. 

I actually wished that instead of fandom focusing on mlm ships where some asshole guy hits on bottom troupe charcter for top troupe character to save, was instead… a wlw character experiencing said shitty getting hit on and other wlw swooping in. what's interesting is fandom writes a lot about misogynistic experiences without often realizing it. Ive read fanfic where guys get called sluts for sleeping with people or called bitch for speaking their mind, these arent things men usually experience, but rather women. Fandom has a lot of internalized misogyny and also queerphobia imo. Women characters often get pushed to the sidelines and men become the canvas for female fans to project onto. 

There is this natural inclination to mlm. When people are talking about “gay shipping” or “gay books” or “gay feels” or even just “gay” mlm is what’s largely in mind. I honestly am kinda saddened by this because if gay fanfiction was really solely about writing more to feel represented, then you would see a lot of bi and ace and lesbian rep, but this isn't the case. Queer women are seriously underrepresented, and I want to hear their stories and read them in fanfiction as well as published. 50% of lgbt literature is mlm, and of that its largely written by women. Becky Albertalli, Rainbow Rowell, Maggie Stiefvater, are the YA big names and are all women writing mlm. Red white and royal blue is written by Casey McQuiston and Captive prince (which is not YA) is written by C. S. Pacat, who is non-binary, but is also TME and not mlm. These are all the big names in mlm lit, behind them is some gay men, but honestly their stories aren't preferred, they're not the right “flavor” for the consumers usually, who are largely women. In general YA consumers and authors are women, but I wish that they… just wrote about women too. I think there is a certain… snowball effect to the overrepresentation of mlm representing the whole LGBT community that leads to fetishization, as well as misogyny playing a factor in: less women characters being written well to write fanfic on, when they are written well they're taken less seriously or the audience struggles to relate to them, they're less marketable then men. 

Idk I never feel “seen” or “represented” by any of the books above, which don't address boyhood and manhood and queerness intersecting really, and AFTG doesn’t either. I relate to AFTG as a trauma victim who has experienced a lot of what many of the characters go through and have gone through in the EC as well as them just overall being very well written characters, but I don't relate to it as a mlm really. I've never seen like.. gay voice or being straight passing or femphobia or how boyhood can be affected from a young age by those around you sensing you're ‘other’ or if you didn't experience this you feel outside the mlm community. Let alone sub cultures like bear and leather and pup, at most you see the word “he's such a twink” in fandom which... i fr hate non mlm using that word because it's usually used to replace the f-slur essentially, used derogatorily or to call him “such a bottom” and stuff like that. It’s like a joke or an insult.

Long story short, idk mang this was a ramble and I think I'm coning down with something. I wanna see more queer women rep and women authors writing about being a queer woman too. I think it's a complex web of fetishization and a bit of forbidden love yaoi culture (or it used to be in the BOYXBOY days) as well as misogyny on an industry level, creator level, as well as reader/consumer and fandom level. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to explore other peoples stories and what we read has to be segregated, “only mlm are allowed to read and write mlm, only wlw are allowed to read and write wlw,” but I also think author’s intent and audience and background is telling, as well as overall statistics. Like about an hour ago I was looking for cookbooks in spanish or in english, and I was looking for some mexican food cook books, but I had to look for them using words in spanish because otherwise what came up was a bunch of “fiesta party, easy as uno dos tres authentic cooking!” and I was like… hm. Since I could tell they were marketing to anglos. (also the author’s last names were like michelle smith, james cooper, and this could be for a variety of reasons, but I trust Hispanic names more tbh and deadass would look at the authors pictures and if they had other books in Spanish or what their specialties were.)

anyways. not sure how to end this. uhm if anyone has any book recs (my to read list is like 500 books tho no joke) preferably not YA white mlm written by a white lady, hopefully queer women written by queer woman, LMK, I need more wlw and queer women stories on my list. I have a decent amount but always looking for more. I kinda wanna link my goodreads or my storygraph but I also don't want to get doxxed and it has my legal name on it so.

Also, I'm dyslexic and using spell check but if there's like some wild typos my b.

[serenagaywaterford]

1) Hey, it's me again. The idiot rambling anon. I wasn't gonna spam you again, but then I read your responses. At this point, I'm convinced you're my alter ego, lol. My thoughts are all over the place, but I'll try to organize them. So, about Nick. I've purposely avoided talking about him so far, but why the hell not? Let me make one thing clear: I'm NOT of of those thirsty fangirls. But even if I was? I wouldn't get offended or butthurt, because another person likes different fictional

2) characters (of all things) than me. I mean, big fucking deal. Each to their own, no need for apologies. ;) (My tone is a little aggressive, I know, but I’m sick and tired of some people on social media –in and out of fandoms– acting holier-than-thou and sending hate messages and even actual death threats (!) to creators or people that express unpopular opinions*. It’s reached a point where many people feel the need to put disclaimers in their posts so as not to be attacked.)

3) Back to Nick. I liked him just fine back in early S1, when he was all mysterious and his background story was unknown to us. When we did learn about it and the fandom started acting like he’s that pure, handsome angel uwu? Nah. Obviously, he’s no Fred/Serena/Lydia,but he’s not a “cinnamon roll” either. (Imo, the only decent dude on that show is Luke.) I mean, if Nick was SO altruistic, he wouldn’t have joined this job. Or even after everything went down, he could have tried to help other

4) handmaids without expecting anything in return. But no, he only helps June and that’s because he’s in love with her. I’m not blaming him for trying to survive under such circumstances, but I won’t idolize him either. Now, in s2? I’m kinda neutral about him. I don’t hate him, but I can’t say that I’m a fan either. Not gonna lie, he bores me at times, because he’s just… there. No sparks, no fireworks. Not sure if it’s the writing that doesn’t do the actor any favors, but his acting hasn’t

5) really drawn me in yet. A counterexample to this? Aunt Lydia. Her personality is despicable 98% of the time and yet. Dowd’s captivating performance makes me want to know so much more about her character.) On the other hand, I’m glad that June has someone (besides Rita) to back her up in that hellhole. She needs comfort and allies. But the whole ‘tRu Love 5eva" fanon thing? No, thanks. Not only it doesn’t fit the tone of the series, but I also believe that sharing an intense, forbidden love/

6) during such a shitstorm is not the same thing as keeping it alive after all is said and done (post-Gilead). Maybe they’ll stay together (as long as Nick doesn’t die), maybe they’ll fall apart. I can’t really see June romantically reconnecting with Luke either. After everything she’s been through… She’s a completely different person now. Unfortunately, the same things goes for Emily and her wife. Even though I’d love to see her interact with both her wife and her child in S3.

———

My inbox is so beautiful right now! Never, ever call yourself an idiot, my friend. (If you are, then so am I!) Brain twins, you see.

(Also sorry about this being out of order lol.)

I was trying not to talk about him too cos generally I just … I prefer not to think about him much. The fangirls, just, *sigh*. I try to avoid as much as possible in this fandom, esp on tumblr. Just hang out in my quiet little, not-Serena-hating corner. I always feel a need to put disclaimers these days cos as much as I don’t really care about random hate, I’d prefer not to have to deal with dogpiles or to look at it lmao. Like people can go around just hating on any character here–especially if they’re women–but say one critical (not even hateful) thing about their male fav and things just go off. 

I’m more than aware the majority of people don’t like Serena and think she’s the worst thing ever. And fair play! (I get it… cos I’m not delusional. She’s awful.) Each to their own. I don’t go around bitching at people who say shitty things or stuff I don’t agree with, or blocking anybody who doesn’t like her. (There are a few posts I do engage with cos normally they seem like they want to go deeper in The Discourse but most Serena/Lydia/Eden/Janine/June-hate I just ignore.)

ITA. S1 was, like, okay. That’s Nick. What’s he up to? What’s his deal? (I don’t really care but I’m not opposed to him either. Just like I didn’t care about Luke’s backstory/escape.) He’s trying to be good to June and she needs that.When we did learn his backstory I was not pleased cos he seemed like a twerp but whatevs. Grey characters are grey. It wasn’t until S2 that I started to get irked by him (and the hypocrisy of his fans but that’s a whole other issue). 

I can’t agree ANY more with your assessment of Nick. Like that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been saying! Firstly, he was RIGHT THERE when the Handmaid/Ceremony thing was first suggested and was like “Oh, yeah, great idea!” to Fred. I get that perhaps he was pressured to go along to keep his job but that’s a stretch imo, and if you can give him that sort of leeway, why can’t characters like Eden, Serena, Lydia and June get the same benefit of the doubt for certain things? Why is Nick’s pressure to keep his job more important and forgivable than anybody else’s pressures? It’s like that entire scene doesn’t exist to fangirls and Nick is so precious and in love and wonderful. Then there’s the rape of June. Like I know it’s pretty controversial to look at it that way, but that first time, with Serena overseeing it like a fucking creepy pimp (YUUUUUUCCCKKKKK I HATE IT THANKS) was rape. June barely knew the guy and I’m pretty sure if she wanted to have sex with him it wouldn’t be like that! And sure, after that, it was totally consensual but that first time was not. And I’ve heard the justification and excuses of “Well, Nick didn’t have a choice either!” which I call bullshit on, cos Nick is not some powerless delivery boy. 

He’s a fucking Guardian who is tight with the top Commanders. He’s a man, if nothing else. Serena can act all high and mighty but she’s still a woman in a highly misogynistic society. I’m not convinced Fred would take his wife’s word over Nick’s tbh, especially if it was like “Dude, your crazy wife asked me to fuck the Handmaid you’re obsessed with”. If he really didn’t want to do it that badly, he could have taken that chance to report Serena. Even if Fred wanted to keep it hush hush away from other Commanders, he would have gone after Serena. Men are far more likely to turn on women than each other, esp in THT. But that’s just my take. Maybe I am missing something about Nick’s status. To me, it was like double rape. Neither of them wanted to do it, like that anyway. But Nick also did fuck all to stop it when IMO he did have some power to do something. He is not a helpless victim in that society, imo. Again, probably not a well-received opinion. 

Don’t even get me started on his “Poor me!” routine in S2 when June tells him to have sex with Eden. I’m glad she called him on that bullshit. (But again, over the fangirls heads. Enough about them!)

Basically, everything Nick has done wrong isn’t his choice; he’s just a victim. In a story about women, Nick’s victimhood at the hands of these nasty women and men is the real issue. Blah. Whatever.

I just find Nick lacks total self-awareness about being part of the shitty ass system. He kind of just floats around thinking nothing is his fault and he’s blameless for it all, and he certainly can’t seem to see it from anyone’s perspective except his own. He’s upset about Fred & June’s Jezebel trips, not for her own safety or well-being but mainly he’s jealous. Of course he’s concerned about her safety but I believe it takes a backseat to his jealousy. He just seems to never take any responsibility for anything.

And BINGO about the previous Handmaid. Nothing we’ve been shown has given any hint he cares about any other woman’s plight in Gilead other than June, and only cares about her cos he had a crush/fucked her/is in wuv wiv her. Basically, she’s HIS so suddenly he cares about her. Look how fast he dumped that Martha as soon as he got brooding about June. He’s done fuckall for anybody except himself and that alone makes me dislike him. He’s no better than Fred in that way for me. But where Fred can occasionally be an interesting villain, cos Fiennes is nasty good, I find the actor who plays Nick just… not engaging. And he’s not SUPPOSED to be a villain! He’s meant to be a good guy! It’s crazy. He’s not compelling, he’s not interesting. He’s bland. He’s not even good looking, lol. I was watching with a friend once and mention I thought Fred was way better looking than Nick and she just stared at me and said, “You shouldn’t say that. But me too.” So, count me in the camp that just does not get the appeal of the character OR the actor.

I don’t hate Nick generally. I am just totally indifferent to his existence. If he left the show tomorrow, I’d shrug and probably be a little glad I don’t have to see that bland moping anymore. If he stays, oh well. Shrug. And I just don’t want his and June’s star-crossed romance shoved down my throat. It’s so… I dunno. I’m not opposed to June finding solace and hope but making it some beautiful forbidden romance, I’m not buying it. Like you said, it’s all well and good in Gilead–but it doesn’t strike me as something that can be sustainable outside it. To borrow from you last time: It’s the Handmaid’s Tale, not The Guardian + the Handmaid’s Tale.

Okay, enough about that pipsqueak. I don’t even like talking about him, tbh. He’s not worth it when there’s so much else going on.

ITA about Luke/June too. I feel like the level of disconnection and trauma that they’ve sustained, especially June, they can try to reconnect but it’s pretty difficult and I think especially with June having a sexual/romantic relationship with Nick pulls that really tight. It’s just two different planets they live on now. I don’t doubt that she still loves Luke, but actually reforming the relationship they previously had seems like an impossible task considering everything both of them have been through. It’s sad, but … sadly true for many people. Relationships can fall apart for far less.

And on the same page about Emily/Sylvia too. She is just soooooo fucking broken, and hopeless, that if they have them just rekindle with no issues, it’ll be bad writing. (I dunno if you see spoilers but there’s one about them.) She needs therapy so much more than a cutesy feelgood storyline.

Back to Lydia: Exactly! There’s a character we know very little about and who is a horrible person, yet the performance by Dowd makes almost everyone go, “TELL ME MORE!” With Nick, it’s the opposite for me. I’m just like, “Please, less of this.”