#anyway i was so mad im not working on the mesh any more until i know what color im working with

[yourfavoritewerewolf]

DOLLAR TREE CHANGED THE BLUE COTTON YARN. ITS A DIFFERENT BLUE

[sgnarl]

Slides u $2 how much to read more about Simon and Donovan

ABSOLUTELY FREE ALSO IM SORRY I JUST REMEMBERED THIS ASK

honestly they’ve come a long way from their first incarnations

i made these like a year ago so there has been slight altercations to their designs since then but yeah they are hardly the same characters they were before. i think really the only thing about them that hasn’t changed is their names. their stories were also wildly different and had nothing to do with each other. the progression that’s shown in their designs actually begins in 2012-2013, so i’ve had these characters for like 6-7 years. they’ve had a lot of room to change and grow. also i know that’s the pagan moon symbol behind simon, but he has nothing to do with the moon or paganism, i just didn’t realize what i had done until i was done drawing

donovan, instead of being the angel of the night sky, used to be like a bounty hunter for heaven and simon was just like . edgy i guess. can’t remember his exact purpose. i actually used to use these two in like roleplays with my friends,  but i fell off of that when i was like 15 and ive basically been trying to redo their characters since then. 

often times they sort of function as one character; whenever i want to write about donovan’s personality, i think about how it might mesh with simon’s personality and vice versa. unfortunately i don’t get to pay a lot of attention to them so i haven’t completely worked them out but they are getting........ somewhere

the universe that they are apart of has also been under construction since 2013. it doesn’t even have a name yet and im still trying to work out the rules of the universe, so until then they just have their backstory and that’s about it, other than some cute tidbits about them like

simon being a hardcore flirt, much to donovan’s embarrassment

i think i mentioned this once before, but they met because donovan hit simon with his truck. simon is immortal, however, so while donovan was panicking simon was just like “wow you have the most beautiful eyes ive ever seen”

donovan used to be scared of thunderstorms until he met simon

a lot of their dates took place in the bed of donovan’s truck, mostly stargazing in any secluded place they could find 

so when donovan was diagnosed with cancer, he already knew simon was immortal and a thunder, they had also been together for a few years. he thought it would be best if simon moved on without him (as they both knew that day would come anyway) and began to try and distance himself from his other. when simon wouldn’t back off, donovan started to get mad, as much as it pained him to try and let simon go.

they had an argument, and finally simon relented and was like “ok, but can i please get one last kiss?” 

so they kissed BUT there was a crack of thunder and suddenly they were together in the night sky and donovan was like “WHAT did you do”

simon explained that he had already asked his family for permission to make donovan immortal, so he just decided to do that. however, donovan was pissed because 1) you didnt leave me alone when i asked you to and 2) he was a school teacher on earth. he had siblings and parents and kids at his school that would wonder where he went. how could he have done this?

simon, in his immortal mind, neglected to think about this and they actually didn’t speak for a few years. donovan was mad mad, but simon understood. he acted selfishly and gave donovan the space that he needed

eventually simon was able to help donovan see his family again with the help of his thunder family and they slowly started building their relationship back up to the point that it was, and that’s where they are in their current timeline

also donovan can’t cook but simon might as well be remy from ratatouille 

[virtuissimo]

pardon me for using my blog for its intended purpose, but I’ve gota talk about my life insecurities and the pathetic reality of my ongoing existence

if ur prone to thinking badly of ppl for having social difficulties maybe dont read lol

if uv talked to me more than a few times then u kno already tbh i sound like a broken record but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS im so fucking mad about it, why is this so hard for me???

people say that you have to go to clubs,  but honestly thats realy not enough advice for me because Findng People is not the issue, in fact i have been in several places where by all means i shuold have found someone to be friends with, but even if i do force myself to talk to people and be sociable and say uuh things and even if i do succeed in being funny and likeable (which is far from the norm and my self esteem takes a huge hit every time i exit a social situation having flopped & yes i am overly judgmental of myself but the fact that i dont got friends is proof that maybe there is some truth to it) , nothing ever comes of it!

and like i know this is a pattern with me, where ill try to do something consistently for a semester and then when i see no evidence of progress i give up. same thing happened when i decided to stick to a consistent exercise routine. i didnt feel any better, i didnt look any different, my health didnt improve, my body didnt even get any stronger my bodys limit on weight and time remained the same from beginning to end, all i felt was tired, sore, and depressed. i felt a little proud of myself for having stuck to it for that long (4-5 months? honetsly an accomplishment for me) but at the first excuse i could find i broke routine and was never able to get back on.

and honestly. same thing happened with that club. i went to almost every QTPOCA community meeting for one semester, but i just! couldnt! make!! friends!! a few people talked to me i think?? one girl named Cassie who i saw once and never again..augustine talked to me and i was really happy about that...they were very friendly and i like talking to them but i dont think our personalities mesh very well for us to be close, we also dont have any real shared interests and i dont think they particularly have fun in my company.

but other than those two people, thats it.... the meetings themselves are very different from what i expected, its absolutely not an environment conducive to my very uuh specific needs.

How did  i make friends before?? i had friends in high school. or at least i thought i did. i guess thats why im not still friends with most of them. i never really went out to movies or to their houses or to get lunch or even had most of their phone numbers, & even those whose # i do have i never really USED them. maybe its cuz i didnt get a phone until high school. maybe its cuz my parents are workaholics AND overprotective and made it too much of a hassle to ask permission to go everwhere. maybe people only rly liked me for school work purposes. maybe im just too obedient and never snuck out. maybe im just too close to my sister and never felt the need for social interaction outside of school because i had her. maybe im just making a whole lot of excuses for what ultimately is an inability to interact with other people. 

& its not like im not good at talking. im pretty quick and uuh quippy ig like i can say some off the wall shit, that just all goes out the window when im talking to strangers. idk. i can make phonecalls now, but only if i script out what im going to say in writing bcause even if i mentally script, by the time the other person picks up the phone my mind just goes blank.

i think its a part of my horrible personality maybe. like maybe i can only be in my element when i feel like i have power. my small high school & my ugly superiority complex made it easier for me to think of myself as better than p much all my peers maybe? but maybe its not that easy to do that in college since EVERYONE here got to college somehow (despite some of them actualy being dumb as fuck)? maybe?? idk if thats the case i gota change that personality quick cuz thats no way to live life. just the way im talking about it now makes it seem like maybe its not that but idk i think in actuality im a lot more egotistical than i come across as. which may or may not be saying something idk self awareness is hard.

probably also got something to do with the fact that i moved to texas away from the rest of my family & my parents work too much to make rfriends ot their own (and neither of my parents are very social people to begin with) so i never had adult social interactions modeled for me in a way that integrates friendships into ones life. thats probably just an excuse tho.

anyways. im really sick of not fitting in anywhere. im sick of not knowing anyone. im sick of being lonely all the time and feeling unlovable . and iv got like 2 friends on the internet that i rly talk to but we all know it aint the same & the MOMENT theyve busy i feel soooo fuckin lonelyyyyy

also FUCK another thing is that i am no ones priority, that shit SUCKS idk if im emotionally built for casual friendships cuz i care about all my friends so fucking much...i dont even gota be a best friend i just gota be ...important to someone lmfao maybe thast too much to ask fori know im just 21 but it rly feels like everyone already has their friends and thats that, and the worst part is that i could have made friends but i wasted all of college uuuh idk doing school or whatever LMFAO ok but other ppl can figure out how to have an active social life while doing decent in school why couldnt i do that...

whatever. if i die alone i die alone , nothin to be done about that. just gota put my best foot forward i guess. maybe learn to settle a little more. put more effort into things that arent worth it because id rather have something rancid than nothing at all.

[thorne93]

Helping hands is so good!! I can’t wait for the next part! Keep up the fantastic work! Also, I was curious about what keeps you going when it comes to writing series? Because I have tons of ideas for series, but I always get lost on actually writing it all out and getting it out. How do you stay inspired with a series? Do you get it all written out or do you do each part individually? I just want tips on stuff like that, I guess... 😅 Sorry about how long and intrusive this is.....

1) Thank you! So glad to hear you’re still enjoying it!! ^.^ 

2) This is a good question. Typically I can stay pretty inspired if I have a particular scene, or maybe a particular ending I want. Something to work towards. I always write in order, but every story starts with an idea, a “what if” moment. Or in most cases “imagine if”. Like my “No Matter What” series. I think my “what if” was “What if you met Bucky for the first time during Civil War and developed feelings for him?” Then flashes of protecting him during all the fights came in my head, the initial halt of the breathing when you first spot him in his apartment. Etc. A lot of times it’s really just me working through an entire series for me to get to ONE scene i imagined. So it’s a lot of “what can I do to get these characters to that point?” “what has to happen in order for THIS to happen?” Honestly, I don’t usually burn out on any series. I know a lot of writers start ideas, get a chapter or a few written, then they lose inspiration and never go back. I’m fortunate enough to not have that. Here’s why: If I have a good idea, a solid idea, one i can outline, I can write it. I guess the mantra to take from that is: if i can outline it, i can write it. Out of all my “wips” right now, I have one “abandoned” wip, and that was a collaboration. Both of us had an idea, but no real “end”. Other than that, if I have started writing on it, I felt strongly enough for it. Now, I’ve had several ideas that pop in my head, prompts I read, etc, that for a second, I’m like “that would be cool to write” but I never write it. But if I can’t even write down a proper outline, there’s no hope for a full on story there. I always write chronologically. Mainly because I think i would get confused if i jumped around. Like “wait, have they kissed yet at this point?”  “Oh, wait, she doesnt know that about him yet.”  “Dammit. His brother isn’t introduced yet...” etc. So I have to write from start to finish. That isn’t to say i don’t think ahead! I might be writing chapter one, and i”m brainstorming with friends and family for chapter 9. Or often times, if i know a certain scene is coming up, sudden dialogue or inspiration will hit and I write it down for later (like in the outline or just jot it down or whatever.).....Music also helps keep me inspired. It’s not to say I don’t get frustrated with series. I get writers block often, and i am constantly (like every day), asking myself “okay, what’s next?”....And when I get writers block, I just keep pushing forward with it. I hammer the ideas and hammer the ideas until I finally feel inspired enough to write it. I think another part of it stems from my inability to cope with unfinished work. Like, to me, if I’ve written something on it, I obviously had some sort of direction to it, ya know? 

Man, that was long winded xD....Sorry about that. So the take away points are this:

- Start with an idea, a “What if” or an “imagine if” moment. Play around with that in your head before you write anything. Once you establish the “What if X happened?” build off of that. Think of how you’re going to get to that point, and what’s going to happen after. 

- Listen to music. Is it an angsty idea? Listen to some sad music that might circle around that idea. Is it a happy one? Etc. And when I say listen, I don’t mean listen while you try to write or brainstorm. Literally just pick some songs that maybe have lyrics or a melody that goes with what you’re going for, put it on, and close your eyes. What scenes do you see? What do the lyrics make you think of? etc...

- Outline...Outline...Outline. If you can jot down some points in the story, even if it isn’t a beginning or end, it’ll help be your road map. Something to always go back to. I know how frustrating it is to re-read a series and get to the end (where you’re stuck) and sort of get back in the same rut. So even if you write down “OH i want this to happen at the end.” or “this would be a great ‘first encounter’”. If you have SOMETHING, I bet other things will start flowing. It’s easy to go off of an outline/roadmap. At least to me, because then you can say “okay, that’s right, I have a, b, c, d, and e happening. What happens after e?

- Figure out the medium that works best for you, too. Like I like to hand write notes/outlines. idk why, but i do. it’s just fun/easy to literally scribble or scratch down the shit swimming in my head. But when i WRITE. i have to be at a computer or I’ll go batty. 

- Think about what WOULDN’T happen next. It sounds kind of odd, sounds counter intuitive. but i just read it in a writers block tip. And it’s honestly really helpful. Because once you start narrowing down what wont happen or what doesn’t make sense to happen, you can start zeroing in on what could or should happen. Honestly, when i brainstorm with my family and friends, typically, they don’t give me the idea of what to write, they give me ideas of what not to write. Like my friend last night suggested “Have the disgruntled reader go to a bar and talk about her problems.” and this character isn’t really a bar sort of person, so I said “Well they wouldn’t do that....but they might do this...” and i went in a different direction. (It’s kind of funny though because my family always wonders why I ask them for help or advice, because I typically don’t take it. they say “you just do something different”. and im like “Yeah, but it’s helpful to just get the juices flowing. to think about what they wouldn’t do.”

- And always always always, write for yourself. Don’t write for what you think will get more readers. Don’t write for “fanfare”. Write scenes you’d want to read. Write fights you’d want to be a part of. Now, at the same time, imagine you’re reading. Ask yourself “is this too dark/intense/weird? is this too out of character? Does this make sense in the rest of the story? If i were reading this for the first time, would it mesh well inside of my story?” like....Let’s say you have a shy, female avenger reader. Lets say her power is defense only. you wouldn’t have her have a screaming match with Tony that ended in her punching him, you know? But you might, if it was Dean Winchester and she was a hunter. Hunters aren’t afraid of violence, and in Supernatural, the characters are known to punch each other when really upset. So know your audience, know your story, know your characters. But don’t be afraid. I like dramatic writing. I like big dramatic, angsty, fight scenes. If you read “First Impressions” I had the reader so mad at a dinner party, she accidentally shattered her wine glass in her hand because she was gripping it so hard and didn’t realize it.  Up until that point, the only huge drama was Seb punching a guy for being a rude, sexist prick. But anyway - point stands. Write for yourself, write what is fun for you, what makes sense to you. Don’t think “should i have more action? less angst? more smut? Should i have blah blah happen?” because it won’t come out right. So always stay true to you, what you want, and what you’d like to read. : ) 

I hope this helped! 

[sleepwalk-living]

I think people are less mad at Liam’s headassery about his body but more rightfully mad at his forced take on R&B culture and they way he’s portraying his privileged British ass as a fake gangster who’s most likely going to slip the n word out one day

all the hate ive seen is directly related to his body and the way he’s showcasing it, so you can fuck right off w that (i can pull screen shots out of my mesh shirt post and from gold’s post comparing harrys treatment to liams treatment because both induced tags and rb of people saying his choice of clothing was “not working for him.” only if u want tho cos im not about to do all that work for you to just not appreciate it anyway)

but you can have my other two cents if u want it

im not gonna lie but as soon as i saw his style changing, i wasnt sure i liked it, and you’re right- it’s not because of his “headassery” (lol????? just let him love his body) but because of where the style originated. it’s one of those things that black people cultivated and nurtured until white people got their hands on it and started using it too, all while white people are praised as stylish innovators and black people labeled as ghetto

that was 10000% where my concern laid when the chain made its appearance and he started wearing these outfits because as a poc and as someone who tiredly watches white people rub their little caucasian hands all over shit with no regards as to the roots and dont give a fuck why they shouldnt use things, i still watch like a fuckin hawk for any sort of White Behaviour regarding his physical and musical style

but as ive watched him progress with his music and the people he’s worked with and the way he’s been perceived by a lot of black people and the R&B scene, i’ve slowly unclenched because he truly enjoys the music and has embraced the style with open arms and hasn’t exhibited white nonsense as of yet. because it is one thing to do things strictly for the benefits of appearing new and exploiting the popularity of said things and another to genuinely enjoy something, and because of my ability to be able to usually be able to tell the difference, im not condemning liam to anything at this time and will continue to praise him for taking fashion risks and presenting himself with renewed boundaries.

people have always disliked liam for whatever reason to the next. this is not new. this is not a development. people in this fandom have regarded him as extra and try-hardy and show-offish since the very beginning, so don’t mind me if im not too into your idea that the negativity is based in these people’s concern of white people stealing from poc.

if he ever says the n word, we got a problem and i won’t protect him. i refuse to protect the fragile feelings of white people and won’t baby him, that’s for damn sure, but how about we just wait and see instead of basing it on “most likely”

[rqs902]

.

ah hyt’s issues with being too passive and not wanting to speak up about problems bc he’s worried about hurting other people’s feelings reminds me of what happened to jin fan on snzm this week :\ except hyt had to figure it out on his own bc no one else noticed and he didnt say anything about it to anyone. jin fan was urged to speak up but hyt had to mull it over in his head and stress over it until he could come to the decision that he needed to do something to help his team.

i respect that he came to that decision on his own and acted on it. as someone who’s relatively passive and conflict-avoidant myself, i think that takes a lot of resolve and courage. 

aw im happy xiao li got to sing too bc i really like his voice. what a talented boy! i think hyt is lucky the two of them give off the kind/gentle vibes so that he can pull them together. i dont know much about him, but i wonder if gem is right that hes had bad experiences with communicating with teammates (and aligning their hearts, as he said) before that’s led him to be more scared to be honest now. the 2 kids are like optimistic but you can tell hyt is so worried with their score ouch. 

wu xing’s voice is nice. im a wind player but with my limited knowledge of string instruments I feel like pengpeng’s playing is okay but not amazing. fsc’s bass is questionably out of tune?? or is it just me? something feels weird about his bass playing, it sounds kinda scratchy and sticks out to me too much, in like a weird way :\ but maybe its just because im used to hearing bass in classical music and not like this

LOL qiang ge being the buffer between jym and zk, are you sure youre gonna be okay child? the more i see qiang ge, the more smol he seems to me, like a cute child, who just happens to play the most blaring instrument LOL he seems very insecure about belonging on this show. he didnt want people to choose him unless they were absolutely sure in the first round, and then in the second round, he was so scared of ruining the next group that chose him and so grateful that they were willing to choose him and that they gave him so much encouragement to join their group. the fact that he needed that much encouragement and still felt undeserving is telling. the matching photo tshirts he custom ordered are cute! what a nice friend, to spend money on this to make everyone a little happier. i think its mature of him to encourage jym by saying he should think of the worst possible happening and try to accept it, to lessen his pressure. its still weird for me to realize people call zzn “nan ge” because he just seems so young in my mind lol but then you realize there are even younger kids on this show.

zhao ke’s rap was pretty good, i respect it. with that score i bet qiang ge’s gonna feel like it’s all his fault. i wonder if he blames himself or the instrument more for the fact that he was criticized for being too unvaried, but i feel like either of those is bad bc i feel like he should be proud of his instrument. 

aw maomao’s message and ljt’s response hahahhaha 

LOL ljt playing “who” and cutting it off abruptly. gao xin tai LOL 

ljt’s group’s perf def felt more complete. his voice is so nice, i still love it. i will say, i remember zhao tianyu sang this song on mrzz. i wonder if ljt remembers that too. 

hmm i really liked kxy’s singing voice, i thought it was really good, nicer than mz’s LOL but honestly i feel like i also understand from the teacher’s point of view, that he wasted their time and just didnt take their advice when they were trying to help him. hmm he seems likes hes very stubborn in doing what he believes, which isnt bad, he’s standing up for what he wants, but also then he immediately started crying when questioned about it. which makes me think hes not very confident in his choice and/or feels victimized/attacked for just doing what he wants. either way, kxy has shown he cries very easily lol. but i have mixed feelings about whether he’s handling criticism well. im not sure how old he is but he seems young 

LOL muji and swh just being like DELETE to wjy and being like straight up “it sounds bad” HAH im glad at least having two of them on the same page can put wjy in his place more LOL 

during the perf was muji holding the pick in his mouth? lol muji is such a 寶藏 with the bass guitar along with all his unique talents. this was a pretty epic perf, i thought theyd get a better score than that.

hm interesting that the uptown funk people told them tencent they needed to pay them more and tencent DIDNT, but they were still nice enough to approve their use of the song anyway bc of their “sincere” messages. wtf tencent. im pretty sure they have money to pay them more lol.

i kinda think yrz still seems a bit stiff to me onstage, like look at xiao zhi, hes literally so comfortable and free and hes so enjoying playing his bass guitar hes like having so much fun and is super into the music. at first i wasnt sure how well him and zy would mesh but wow hes really owned up to the avocado name LOL i feel like him and zy are really really caring older bros to yrz and hopefully yrz is super grateful bc he got super lucky. 

LOL TYLER FREAKING OUT OVER YRZ’S SMILE 

“NA GE XIAO RONG!!!!” 

HAHAHHAHAHAH 

i think it does say a lot that this perf got everyone like on their feet and grooving along, i see why they ranked 1st! 

kinda sad wsh was like yea no ones gonna notice us and then tencent proceeds to give them 5 seconds of practice room footage and the mentors are all shocked by the lowness of their score

hm :\ i kinda wanted to hear more about how they resolved the conflict between rainbow feeling too restricted by da xi’s more methodical approach to music. i think thats an interesting discussion, because i think both sides have their merits, so what kind of blend of a compromise will they come up with? and it does say a lot about their personalities. rainbow also feels similarly hesitant to reveal his feelings because of his friendship with da xi, which reminds me of hyt yet again but then this group got 5 seconds of footage in comparison so we dont really know how any of this got resolved. also how do they deal with mty sleeping and disappearing all the time?? i do think its kind of cute how mty seems to bend down and really direct his speaking towards the audience when talking to them. i really like their performance, this music style and fun-ness!

LOL the way ruiyang and yingge look at tyler is literally with such adoration wtf hahahahahaa and tyler buying them the bunny hats wtf this is so cute. feels very parental LOL theyre so supportive of him and helping him shine and tyler’s just like a child bringing them happiness LOL i think its notable that yingge says he feels like theyre all using their strengths in this perf bc thats #goals 

why do i feel like tyler and ruiyang ave absorbed yingge’s fashion LOL

THIS AESTHETIC 

i think u can tell like they (yingge?) put a lot of effort into communicating with the production team about their stage design. its not just about the music for them. lol this perf is shot like a music videoooo

ok im hesitant to comment on tyler’s trumpet playing bc it’s not very clean sounding to me, but you can tell hes putting a lot of effort into the small details still. and if hes been practicing a ton, i know it can be painful to try to play into that kind of mouthpiece cleanly with tired lips. he has yet to amaze me but it seems like he’s working hard so i respect that. hes also very lucky to be in a group with two supportive geges. like ps said, i think it is notable that ruiyang is doing so well in a genre of music he wasnt previously into. and yingge’s personality must be some kind of strong to really influence the other 2 so much 

aw tyler crying out of happiness and ruiyang just bursting out laughing and pats tyler’s head with a “早講嗎!" bc he was worried about tyler being sad hahahahaha he just sounded so taiwanese there it made me happy. aw tyler must be really well loved by all the geges who crowd him with hugs when they see him crying like xiao zhi ahahah

oof samhar being brought to tears when gem notes how hard he worked on the composition. (oo xiao zhi helped him! - that’s it, im curious how old he is, so i went to his weibo and he’s just a little older than me! born in 95. but then i saw he and zy have made some conflict-confronting posts today and im like .-. what happened? not sure whats up, but it seems like theyre generally okay, fans seem mad tho) 

actually tbh totally makes sense to me why xiao zhi, rainbow, and yingge’s groups are the top 3 in that order, like their stages were really good and memorable. 

ouch qiang ge feeling all the guilt and like he doesn’t have the skills to do better :( why is the show ok with jym acting this way? why is there a lack of communication that leads him to not understand what’s going on with the votes? they chase after him, he’s moping, they just film him and are barely encouraging enough to get him to come back at the very last minute. im sure he’s very frustrated but its also unprofessional and disrespectful of him to leave like that. how does that make his group mates feel that hes just gone? this is all very questionable to me. 

wait i havent been keeping up with their current rankings but wtf the kids who are like super worried are like ranked super high??? like im assuming they’ll be fine?? like jym and hyt’s group members are all relatively high... (I realize now why hyt got so much screentime LOL hes #1....) im surprised tyler is so low and i wonder if he’ll get more popular after this ep lol 

anyyywayyy so it looks like they’re having a party and elims next week so im sure thatll be an emotional roller coaster... and snzm is having elims next week too so thats just great... double the disaster 

[landofsomethingsomething]

your askbox seems crowded with johnroxycallie asks today. welllll sorry im going to add another one to the pile! i am intrigued! i used to ship johnroxy because it seemed real & cute but i moved to roxycallie when it was canon. but this is interesting?? sooo im interested but not sold. give me your best sales pitch for this new ot3 and adopt me into that good good 4 person fold?

Okay here’s why I like it.

To start you have to understand my salty relationship with Roxy’s bisexuality. I basically wrote my own god damn narrative for it in my own head because I am just so over homestuck’s completely unwillingness to give women arcs relating to their sexuality. Womens’ queerness is always something treated by the narrative as obvious and unworthy of commentary or exploration or any element of revelation/self-discovery or even an iota of reflection or struggle, which is especially FRUSTRATING when they’ve been shown struggling with the queerness of OTHERS. It’s that last part that gets me w Roxy -- I especially hate this with Roxy specifically because her relationship with Dirk was so very fucking fraught with her being bitter at him for being gay and thus unwilling to be with her. Roxy was aggressive about her attraction to Jake and Dirk and I would have really liked to see SOMETHING about like. The narrative there after she meets Callie, especially when Callie expressly tells Roxy that her species can’t experience human romance and blah blah blah blah there are so many things I would have loved to know more about re Roxy and her sexuality but this post is already going to be long so enough said about how mad I am about this specifically

The way I’ve settled on it for my own peace of mind is that Roxy went after Dirk and Jake most aggressively because she had the “save the human species” thing held up as the banner of like, the most important thing she could do to the exclusion of most else. Couple that with her being upset at Dirk for being gay and you get a workable explanation for her suppressing her own bisexuality and being so exuberantly performatively straight. 

So. Callie is the only person outside the other alpha kids that Roxy has had this lifelong close relationship/bond with. They have a conversation where they basically gal pal each other aggressively, with Callie saying her species can’t do redrom/human romance and Roxy being cagey about whether she’d reciprocate because Callie is basically telling her there’s no point to the thought exercise and who likes rejection?? but Roxy is the one who brings it up and is clearly fishing to see if Callie likes her likes her and blah blah blah people have been shipping RoxyCallie long before credits video because of all this, the ring, etc. The closeness of their relationship and the mutual “if only this could work it could be so good” narrative there like all right. 

Then, John. There’s an element to Roxy’s attraction to John that’s rooted in that instinctive thing she has going on that you can see on display in their first meeting, where she sees A Dude and immediately does her mental calculus to determine hey here is A Dude, he’s kind of cute, he’s maybe not gay and/or off-limits b/c my best friend has a huge messy crush on him. And it would be real easy to weigh the scales here and go full RoxyCallie if that were the sum and parts of their relationship, but like, here’s the thing -- it’s not. 

I just cannot let go of John and Roxy as the sole survivors of the Game Over timeline. Roxy is Callie’s beacon of optimistic hope, Roxy is the one who acts to save Callie and preserve her in the alpha timeline (with John’s help -- John gives Roxy the ring after all. I like that detail in the full scope of them being a Unit in the future.) But JOHN plays that role for Roxy. Roxy watches Rose die and is ready to sit down and throw in the towel. She tells John straight up that her only plan going forward after this is to accept her fate and bury her mom and wait for her miserable doomed timeline to end and take her with it. John is the one who convinces her there might be a better way, there might be hope. JOHN is the one who acts to preserve Roxy’s existence in the alpha timeline. I really love the parallel between Roxy bringing Callie back from the brink of oblivion and John bringing Roxy back from the same via the same mechanism that allows John to get the ring that allows Roxy to bring Callie back in the first place. That is a really tidy loop and I like it a lot.

So, Roxy in Earth C with a boy she likes and has a connection with that literally no one else can understand because no one else went through Game Over, no one else has this dissonant experiences that might not mesh 100% with the people they love, no one else has this potential imposter syndrome. I love the idea of Roxy and John bonding over that and have never really been willing to give it up. I love the idea of Roxy coming to understand that her infatuation with the idea of A Boy, Any Boy and the future she wanted so bad were products of trauma and really examining that and then realizing she fell for John legitimately, that she genuinely finds him charming

Simultaneously, Roxy in Earth C with the alien girl she’s had a crush on for like probably forever, and now she’s free of the burden she always assumed she had to repopulate the human race. Also her entire family is queer and she’s free to explore her own feelings with that context. Maybe to accept that her feelings for Jane were never purely platonic (and her feelings for Callie certainly never were) and half her frustration at Dirk was that he insisted on being “true” to himself while Roxy never felt she could be and imposed straightness on herself out of obligation to the human race. That could make a girl bitter, right? (I have so many god damn feelings about Roxy and Dirk reconciling post-canon)

And here’s Callie with her insistence that cherubs can’t experience redrom, too. Except now she’s living on Earth C with, for example, Karkat, a troll who absolutely experiences romantic feelings the same way humans do despite all his species lore stating Trolls Can’t Feel Like That. And now Callie has eternity to explore HER feelings -- and we know part of why Callie just accepted that she couldn’t experience flushed/human romance is because she didn’t think anyone would ever love her like that anyway, right? She thought she was hideous and unloveable. Well now she’s here on Earth C and there’s no way Roxy is going to go on letting her believe that. And without that holding her back from exploring the way she REALLY feels, you can see a path to Callie allowing herself to experience emotions she never thought she could. 

And all of these are positive things and wonderful things for these people to learn about themselves and about each other. 

Roxy caught between the boy she fell for on her journey and the girl she fell for long before her journey even started, just having this realization like, everyone is doing what they want here, this is our universe and our earth and our society and our rules, and she’s kind of unofficially dating them both for awhile but not committing labels-wise to either until eventually she’s just like fuck it??? Here’s how I feel, now how about you??? And I cannot imagine Callie protesting Roxy loving them both or someone else loving Roxy as much as she does, and John’s relationship with romance throughout Homestuck is so bemused and ???? and exploratory, I imagine he’s like well this is kinda weird is this like a troll thing and Roxy is like no this is just an us thing and they deal with it

John and Callie have already been spending tons of time with each other throughout and again, as I referenced in an earlier post, there’s some initial awkwardness that settles out into a balanced arrangement and Callie and John both love Roxy and care about each other very much.

Also like, until there actually is some kind of epilogue that does more with John’s current depression arc and ties in the Masterpiece with everything, I like this alternate reality where John has someone who understands him in a way really no one else can there for him when his shit starts to go south, I like the idea of there being an entire long ass subplot where John tries to isolate himself and Roxy is instrumental in not allowing that to happen, I like Callie’s cheer in the face of her own blisteringly unforgiving history and reality being an inspiration for John, I like a lot of things that canon as it stands doesn’t have a satisfying character-driven arc for at the moment.

And, you know, to cap all this off, I really just like JohnRoxyCallie as an acknowledgement that bisexual woman are not “less” for liking boys, that bisexual woman don’t “count” unless they are exclusively with women, and that bisexual people in real life who ship bisexual characters with people of opposite/other genders are not somehow betraying the queer community by doing so, while simultaneously not sacrificing a potential f/f romance for a m/f one.

The LGBT community’s relationship with bisexual women is MY pet issue, because obviously I’m a bi woman, and there’s obviously an element of that going on as well. It bothers me with the treatment of a lot of fandom/homestuck’s bisexual women (this frenzy by queer fandom to erase every relationship a bisexual woman ever had with a man as being not real or not valid for x, y, z reasons while Straight Fandom is over there doing the same thing, but opposite) but Roxy is by far the Homestuck Canon Bisexual Woman I personally care about the most so SHRUG that’s why you get a million words of my feelings

Anyway that’s why I like them

[fuck-customers]

Long submission is long... AGAIN...

But I really need to get it off my chest. Thank you and sorry in advance. I dont know how to not be so wordy. I've tried. Anyways... A new development from... here... http://fuck-customers.tumblr.com/post/162442038608/long-submission-is-long (I'm on mobile so sorry for the dumb link/if it doesn't work) Anyways. So things are bad at work. I can obviously see that I need to get out. I'm waiting to apply elsewhere until it's closer to my vacation that I can't back out of - I feel like not being ready to start immediately puts a damper on prospective jobs, plus I want to really be able to knuckle down and focus once I'm back. Well, that's starting to sound like a bunch of excuses, so let's get on with it. In the meantime, while I wallow through my shitty job, I've been thinking of ways to try and make it better so I hate it less. And this might come off as a bit of a laugh, considering, but I thought to myself - now, Kat, why not become a head cashier (supervisor)? A forewarning - I'm going to mumble about my back and forth between being a supervisor and not, but it becomes relevant down at the end. I promise. Anyways now, hear me out. From the first time I worked at this place, becoming a head cashier was like... my goal. I firmly believe that if I had stayed for a few months instead of having to quit and move cross country, I could have done it. When I came back after moving back across the country, it was still a goal in my mind. But a goal that was thoroughly squashed once I became friends with one of the current supes, and became better friends with an old coworker who used to BE a supe. Turns out that that shit fucking sucks and is supremely awful. They barely pay you more than a regular cashier (they basically pay you base pay for other departments to be a SUPERVISOR), and while you're guaranteed 32-40 hours, the stress really isn't worth it. So I said fuck that. However, I've had a couple coworkers ask me why I'm not a supervisor. I always shrug and say I dunno, but now that I'm in this slump, I'm asking myself - why not be a supervisor? I have enough experience to do it. And learning how to deal with the safe and do cash drops and close the registers and everything else would give me better and more experience for finding more fulfilling employment. More time with shitty customers, but less time with customers overall. Plus, if we're being entirely honest, I wouldn't want to go on a power trip by any means, but if I were a supervisor, maybe people would stop fucking treating me like I'm new and don't know wtf I'm doing. ANYWAYS - I thought, well, it's better than nothing while I job hunt. More experience, a different work environment, a bit more pay. Might be better, albeit probably not. Worth a shot though. Shake things up. So I had it in my mind to bring it up to a manager/s. I thought, hey, I'll just fix my attendance issue and show I'm dedicated and then I'll surely have a shot at it next time there's an opening! ...and then I worked a closing shift on Tuesday (6/27) and saw my hopes slowly shatter in front of me, like a mirror thrown onto the ground in slow motion. So, everyone was apparently supposed to be given "informal" evaluations. It's the same paper, the same setup, the same criteria as a formal one that goes on your record, but without going on your record. I had literally no idea about it until a different super brought it up to the closing super. I don't like the super I was closing with that night, and I don't think she likes me, so I kind of have the feeling she said she lost my informal eval so she didn't have to give it to me, but the other super just said to just tell it to me orally. Basically, long story short, my biggest failings are that I "wander off from the register" and that I "need to pay more attention to customers than coworkers" (a jab at the fact that apparently I don't call customers over to my register, a complaint in the post linked at the top). I don't mind being reprimanded if I've earned it. I don't claim to be a perfect employee. There is room for improvement. But to claim I WANDER and DON'T HELP CUSTOMERS? You've got to be shitting me. I don't "wander" off from the front end. Any time I DO leave the front end, I always ask or tell a super. "Can I go to the bathroom?" Or "I'm gonna go get some cleaning rags from the back." or "I'm going to go do my produce walk." They literally fucking never have to page me back to the front. Do you know why? Because I'M ALWAYS FUCKING THERE. It's not like they always catch me in the back. Or like a manager is always finding me in grocery talking to my friend, or hiding behind the apple stand in produce admiring the melons (winky face). Like honestly????? I'm a WANDERER??? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? But looking back it's apparent the super I don't like isn't the only one that thinks that. One day I was AT MY REGISTER and another super came up and started looking all around going "now where is-" before looking behind her and going "oh there you are."... referring to me. Wow. Maybe I'm a wanderer because im not on register 100% of the time? Which... is also a joke... so let me tell you... A. There's no reason to be on register 100% of the time because... we've... LOST BUSINESS... to the new store. B. They get mad at you if you're standing around at your register doing nothing. Which brings me to my next point, being that I guess the managers see me as a slacker as well, or at least one of them does. And this happened on the same night my super gave me the informal eval. So... to give a shorthand version of the situation, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my super wanted me on register because she was sending the only other cashier on her break. Leaving me and my super as the only two people on register. So I go to get on register, I'm up in front of my screen for like... a minute and a half, 2 minutes tops, looking around for customers and trying to decide if it's safe to continue my closing cleaning duties (staying on the front end... cleaning the registers.... NOT "wandering off") or if I should stick around. The manager at the time sees me, and goes, "so, [nickname he calls me], you definitely don't just want to br standing around. So here's what you can do..." and starts giving me this task that would not only require me to be off register, but off the front end. Which wouldn't be good, because again, I'm basically THE ONLY CASHIER AT THIS POINT. I can't just go running off the front end to fill the drink coolers. So I tell my super what he wants me to do and ask what SHE wants me to do, and she tells me not to do it. So I don't. She leaves to help count drawers and I encounter a rush, the coworker comes back, but the rush is still bad so I call for backup. Customers get shitty with me for phrasing my direct-to-the-room-and-not-an-intercom-page call for help of "yeah we're kind of swamped up here..." (cue a few "KIND OF?"'s scoffed at me) when paging the cash office for said back up, and finally it dies down. SOOO... at the end of that particular register we had a barrel of pre-bagged pistachios. The kind of weird mesh bag that you can stick your fingers through and pry open. So during that rush, one of my last customer had a couple of kids. She was watching the kids and kept stage whispering their names and kept shooting me furtive glances while I blatantly stared at these two kids ripping open one of these bags to get the nuts like yes... I see you guys.... and I see you, mom of hellspawn, not doing anything... Anyways, after the rush died I closed my register, fished out the bag, and started walking across the front end to the produce stand we have in front of the doors over there. I knew we had plastic produce bags so I was getting one to toss this OPEN BAG OF NUTS INTO. Sorry for all caps I'm getting agitated thinking of this Anyways, I'm almost by the door where.. surprise surprise, the manager is there doing something with the carts outside. He sees me and comes in and he's like "so how are those drink coolers coming [nickname]?" Now this was about an hour and 15 minutes before we were to close for the night, and 15 minutes before the only other cashier beside the one solitary super we had left was to go home. Supervisor had to close drawers, so in about 15 minutes I was all they were gonna have for the next hour. So I go up to the manager like 5 minutes later and explain... I'm like "hey... about the drink coolers... the other cashier is about to leave and I'm going to be the only one here. I'm not trying NOT to do it, it's just I don't know that I'll be able to given the circumstances." SO HE SAYS - "Oh it's okay if you can't. Try to, but I know you gotta clean and close and all of that. I only said that because I didn't see you doing anything at that second." WHHHHHHH---------- FUCK YOU!!!! I even got a little heated and started telling him like hey... open bag of nuts a couple of kids stuck their fingers in... I was trying to contain a potential mess and a now shrink item!!!!!!!! I WASN'T WALKING AROUND DOING NOTHING. I SWEAR TO GOD. It's just more of the catch 22 shit I complained about my supervisor doing in the first submission, but now it's everyone doing it. "Oh you wander too much, you need to stay on register. But since you're not doing anything, here's some tasks that would pull you off the front end and make it look like you're wandering." And how does this tie to being a supervisor myself? Well... even if my attendance was fixed, and I magically became a superhuman cashier that can stay off register while still being ON register, I know they won't consider me for a promotion. In my experience, once you're seen as a slacker, you're always gonna be a slacker, no matter how hard you work to shake that off of you. I don't get it. I really don't. I walk into work on a Saturday morning and everything looks like a mess, like no closer did anything. The day before all of this happened, I had to close as well - there was a rumor of a sheet we had to follow to make sure everything was done properly. After asking around, I was given the sheet and it's literally not anything different or new than what I've been doing this entire time. Which, on a side note, basically prompted everyone to try and tell me how to close. To quote, "basically, you know, when cleaning the front end, just have common sense and-" to which I cut off with a curt, "I know. I know how to close the front end. I was just making sure there wasn't anything extra I was missing. Which im not." .....bitchy, I know, but honestly.... you're the fourth person to try to tell me what to do when all I asked for was a list. We have to bring out these closing duty sheets because "some people aren't doing anything" but it's shit I've been doing this whole time. The manager (different manager than was giving me a hard time in above) didn't even bother giving it to me BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. And yet somehow I'm labeled a slacking wanderer. I don't get it. Tell me I suck because im always late coming in. Tell me I'm awful because I take a few minutes too long on the single break I get. Tell me I could bend more and be a bit slacker to customers demands (SURE I WILL!!... what a bullshit policy). But you're really gonna label me as a slacking wanderer. I can't even. My morale is so low. I want to quit so badly. I'm not the world's best employee but I don't deserve this shit. I have to close again tomorrow and I'm just sort if hoping I fall into a coma so I don't have to go. Fuck my life.

[feral-animal-blog]

Just need a place to vent

Today has been the shits. First im pmsing hard core. My laptop and phone started doing this dumb thing so I wasn't able to put the new music on it because I didn't have file transfer or some shit which is dumb. It's not a new phone and I haven't changed any settings or downloaded any new apps. So I dunno wtf that was about. Took me 2 hours to put 50 songs on my phone.

Next I got into an argument on a Facebook post. (I don't think I've ever voiced my opinion on a post before but this dude was fucking ignorant and arrogant.) Was talking about how minimum wage shouldn't be increased to what they say it will be because all minimum wage workers are uneducated slobs who don't want to better themselves. Well that doesn't sit right with me. When I moved out of my parents house I moved in with my (ex) bf and a roommate. The roommate eventually left and my bf at the time left to get a better job up north and said I'd join him when he did. We ended up breaking up and I was stuck with a 1000$ rent and only making 800$ a pay check. That doesn't even included electric/water bills, car insurance, food and some female neccisities. To top it off this guy is a business owner. Like wtf? Do you really have that little care for your employees so much that you rather have more money than they have food in their bellies. Anyways that fired me up for what happened next.

I know this part is going to sound like utter gibberish but I play World of Wacraft. I have for a while, and I was in a guild that was awesome. They gave me and my boyfriend officer roles to help maintain the 300 people we have in the guild. Cool. At the start it was just my boyfriend and I pugging mythic+ keys trying to get better and the game. Eventually the raid lead of the guild said we should be having a hard core mythic+ group and a just for fun mythic+ group. We joined up with 2 other guys to do the dungeons with and eventually another guy joined to make a full group. We all meshed well together. We became very good friends. So much that my boyfriend and I are going to go and visit them in the states. Any who, our "job" was to help people with keys and get better. For months we posted in guild chat asking if anyone needed their keys done. Or if anyone wanted to join us, we never got any reply expect for a few people who joined every once it a while. That's cool, we'll just switch people out so everyone can get their 15 gear in a weekly chest. Eventually no one replied, we had to whisper people to see and they said no. No one was taking it as serious as us.

Months go by and our 5 core people started progressing on keys. We run key every single day to get better and learn mechanics. Still try and get people to join but not very many people do. Sure ok cool. But then our GM comes in saying we are a clique and that we need to stop grouping together because it's making other people feel bad. Like who though? We ask and ask and no body answers us. But that's not the root of the problem.

The root is that the GM and her husband run the guild. He raid leads and she gets everything together. They were having marital issues and taking it out on all the officers who help run the guild. Totally unfair, saying we aren't doing this or that. That we don't care about them. (Mostly the GM saying we never ask how she is although I did a few times and got one worded answers. Like how am I supposed to be able to help her or listen to her when she does that.

And then there is the raid. The raid lead did not want to do mythic progression and was teaching the Co gm how to run it cause he was think of quitting the game for awhile. The couple made up and apologized. But the raid lead always comes in with a shit attitude and it effects all 20-30 of our attitudes. The GM would always say we are too quiet and needed to liven up but we couldn't because wed be told to shut up or stop talking so much so we could focus. Uh okay?

On top of that out of 20 mythic raiders only 12 deserved to be there. All the others weren't gear enough, stat weights weren't right, didn't have the skill or simple just didn't know their class or spec nor wanted to learn about it. They just log on raid days collect the loot other people deserved and logged out unil next week. Where as us serious players got shit loot, I'm luck everything I got titan forged.

When we joined the guild the GM told everybody it was a drama free place. Where she was the one creating all the drama. About 10 of us got so sick of it and that lead to today....

A different Co gm posted in discord officer chat that we needed to have a mandatory guild meeting about the click issue and that whoever didn't show up would be demoted or kicked. That obviously started a burning rage in my friends group.

We all discussed in on private messages and just logged into game so we can all talk with each other about what was happen. We joined discord and eventually the Co gm joined and we actually had a civil conversation about what was happening. It was fine and everyone was calm and voicing their opinions without getting butt hurt.

Then came in the GM guns just fucking blazing. Yelling at us for this and for that and for not paying attention to her all the time. After about an hour of all the guys trying to say their opinions on everything but she would just not stop yelling and treating us like children.

I snapped.

I told her she was to fucking emotional to be running a guild. That we were not mythic progression ready and that she sucked at the new character she made. We shouldn't of even been bringing her into mythic raids because the people who actually did mechanics suffered. I told her she was bitching about every little thing and that not everything is about her. I was yelling and crying and everyone in party chat was like HOLY SHIT SHE DOES HAVE A BIGGER DICK THEN US!

Right after I let everything out the Co gm who is friends with us left the guild. Another followed, I did the same and so did my boyfriend. Turns out about another 5 people left the guild when we did as well. That's 10 people out of a 20 man raid gone. Who were all mostly their best dps just gone. Because she couldn't handle her shit.

I broke down balling after but all the dudes helped cheer me back up. Thank god for them. I was shaking I was so mad. Pmsing, haven't slept more then 3 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. I haven't eaten anything more than 2 cheese strings and tea a day. Was the wrong time to bring all this shit up.

But all of us that left the guild are taking a night off and will regroup tomorrow to see what we are going to do. We might server change and join a guild who is more into their progression then the last one. A few of the guys said they wanted to wait to join a guild until my boyfriend and I get back from our 2 month vacation but we said not to obviously. They can be working on that progression whilst we are gone.

I'm so glad I have all those guys. They are really great people. And they really care. Just way to much drama for me to handle. I don't even have that much drama in real life.

I know.. I know.... it's just a video game. Buts it's also not. I have no real life friends and no job at the moment because I'm leaving for a while. I have nothing else to do. I'm depressed and lonely and just overall sad. I play video games because it's a home away from home. I don't want to dread logging on or join raids because of all the nonsense drama going on there. I play to escape my real life.

But that's it.. needed to let it out somewhere. My mom gave me a hug today and I was shaking I was so angry even before the meeting. I need more hugs...