#anyway nie bros my beloveds

[lavenderjiang]

i love nie bros

[alchemist-shizun]

I've recently gotten into playing Infinite Craft and of course my hamster brain circled around trying to get mdzs, thinking it was going to be impossible.

LITTLE DID I KNOW, I'd soon find myself and my friend @foxidas-stuff involved in a game of HONOR trying to get as many mdzs (and more danmei novels) characters. Until this monster came out (SO FAR)

We are currently on a quest to find Song Lan and the Nie bros, who for some reason do NOT want to show up. The closest thing I've gotten to our beloved frosty daozhang is this:

WHICH ISN'T EXACTLY. WELL. LOOK IT WAS A JOKE-

anyways behold the numerous amounts of mixes you can apparently do with xue yang:

And how Wei Wuxian is somehow FUCKING EVERYWHERE:

Violet wuxian was our jiang cheng before we finally found him

Here are more desperate ways of finding song lan from my friend (combining song and san lang)

You're welcome

And if you ever crafted any of the characters we're missing: TURN UP YOUR LOCATION WE HAVE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS

[morifinwes]

wangxian fic rec list!

aka in which i read fics, write some recs down for aamna and share them!! they're all wangxian fics and uhh @yibobibo i hope you'll like them!!

modern

wolf devours playboy bunny by @greenteafiend (5K, werewolf!lwj, getting together, idk if anyone needs to know that but there's nudity just not uhh explicit)

Lan Zhan has wanted Wei Ying as long as he has known him, and the worst part is that he thinks Wei Ying could want him back.

Too bad he could never in good conscience let himself go there—Wei Ying has a debilitating fear of all things canine, and once a month, Lan Zhan is the exact, precise thing that Wei Ying’s nightmares are made of.

Aka, Lan Zhan is a werewolf.

between the lines by @jywait (19K gaming au!!!, i'm always down for a good gaming au, lwj is the best aksks he's such a good boy)

☆yilingpatriarch☆: pls...give me some face, help me fight these monsters...I'm gonna die

Bluetooth: no.

"You have died." The screen said, and Wei Wuxian threw his hands up in frustration.

resonant frequencies by chinxe (15K, college au, fake dating au, tw mention of cheating but it's brief and no one was cheated on i promise)

In which Wei Wuxian decides that the best way to deal with being in love with Lan Wangji is to pretend to date him for three weeks.

It goes about as well as can be expected.

drift compatible by windoworwhatever (5K, poetry, fluff, drunkji, getting together, college au)

"It was just a fact of life. The sky was blue, university stipends for graduate students working in TA positions barely covered rent, bisexuals cuffed their jeans, Lan Wangji had a massive crush on Wei Wuxian, and spent his time pining and writing research papers about gay subtexts in ancient poetry."

OR

Lan Wangji is in love with Wei Wuxian, and everybody knows, except Wei Wuxian.

the bunny next door by detailsinthefabric (43K, this is mostly fluff and very light angst, and they were neighbors!!!, rabbits!!, aka wangxian's bunny children, this is... so cute i just have to rec it)

Lan Wangji did not know what he was doing. He did not know what he was going to say. He was frozen in place, puzzling over the situation. Maybe he had made the man uncomfortable, which is why he wanted to leave? But his tone had still been so friendly—maybe…

“Would…” he paused, swallowed, forced the last words to come out of his suddenly parched mouth, “would you let me pet him?”

-------------------------------------

Lan Wangji, who doesn't know how to socialize and whose icy demeanor scares everyone away, lets down all his defenses when he meets the bunny next door...oh, and also its owner, Wei Wuxian.

leading tone by silencemostofall (32K, everyone is a music student? or something like that akskk, curse fic, tw panic attacks, tw child abuse, small scene of drunkji, wwx has low self esteem, bro this was so painful to read)

The first time you touch someone you're fated to love, you leave a mark on their skin. If they will love you in return, they'll mark you where you touched them. The deeper the color, the deeper the connection.

Wei Ying has no marks at all.

public places, private thoughts by leahelisabeth (for the love of camelot) ( 8K, cherry magic au, getting together with like... immediate upgrade to fiance status, the author is wrong i crave good wangxian cherry magic aus even tho i haven't even watched cherry magic)

Wei Wuxian had heard the story of course. It had made its rounds through his high school and followed him into his college days. He didn’t think there was any possibility it was true. Virginity was a social construct, invented by creepy old men to exercise dominance over women. The idea that a simple lack of sexual activity before the age of thirty could give one magical powers was absolutely ludicrous.

Wei Wuxian believed this until the morning of his thirtieth birthday.

AKA the Wangxian Cherry Magic AU that absolutely nobody asked for.

i'd be all right (if i could see you) by @thirtysixsavefiles (16K, this was nice, i read this at 6am but it was cute, (while writing this post i must admit i don't remember anything but 6am-me said it's good))

The younger Lan brother is something of an enigma on campus; while Lan Xichen can sometimes be seen in the company of other graduate students or conducting a seminar, Lan Wangji appears to spend all his time in class or in the library. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t attend social events. He doesn’t do anything for fun, as far as Wei Wuxian can tell, and it’s driving Wei Wuxian just a little bit up the wall.

Or, Wei Wuxian convinces Lan Wangji to come to a house party, and then they're assigned to the same group project. Wei Wuxian tries his best, but he is not in possession of all the facts.

axe on leg by itszero (4K, i still don't get why wwx did that but it was nice seeing him jealous for once, jealous!wwx, lwj i love you....)

Wei Wuxian pressed his face into his pillow and screamed. He paused to take a few deep breaths, partially hindered by the pillow, and listened to the sounds of Nie Huaisang slurping his iced coffee, from his seat on Wei Wuxian's desk chair.

Having caught his breath, he resumed his screaming and did not stop at the sound of his dorm room door opening.

"What's wrong with him?" He heard his brother, Jiang Cheng, ask.

The slurping stopped. "He's an idiot."

"He's always been an idiot. Why is he bothered about it now?"

"He forced Lan Wangji to go on a date," Nie Huaisang replied, shaking the ice cubes in his drink.

"Okay and…?"

"With someone else." The slurping resumed.

Wei Wuxian, in all his glorious dumbassery, convinces his boyfriend to go on a date with someone else.

these two most powerful by @stiltonbasket (4K, amnesia, wangxian with children!!!, aksksk this was adorable, dadji!!)

When Lan Wangji went to bed last night, he was alone in a tiny guest room with nothing but the howling of the wind in the mountains and his own lonely thoughts for company.

 

But when he opened his eyes in the morning, Wei Ying was asleep beside him.

 

(In which Lan Wangji loses twenty years' worth of memories after a night-hunt gone wrong, and his life as a doting father and husband continues without a hitch somehow.)

good things come to those who wait [but i ain't in a patient phase] by @cerlunas (4K, getting together, pining lwj)

Lan Wangji can't take it anymore.

 

“I love you”, he says, and god, it feels terrifying. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian starts, but Lan Wangji doesn’t want to hear it.

He grabs his cup and drinks everything. He doesn’t know what face Wei Wuxian is making at him right now, and it’s okay. 

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian repeats louder, but it’s too late. He is already falling asleep.

Or, even after 13 years, Lan Wangji is still in love with his best friend. Maybe it's time to open up.

wei ying, will you marry m- oh my god he swallowed the ring! by selene210 (2K, marriage proposals, crack, marriage proposals but.. they go wrong)

“A ring?”

And indeed it was. The ring Lan Wangji was going to propose to Wei Ying with. That the man had now choked on.

“You swallowed it.”

“It was in my soufflé! Why did you put a ring in my soufflé Lan Zhan- oh. oh”

of glittery valentine's cards by @soft-fics (3K, valentine's day, this was adorable aksk, a-yuan best boy!!)

Lan Zhan didn't want to know what his best friend had planned for Valentine's Day; his heart would simply not be able to handle it. When his son tells him that he made Wei Ying a Valentine's Day card, though, Lan Zhan decided to bring it over anyway.

of coffee and white tea by @soft-fics (9K, fluff, lwj doesn't like coffee, wwx buys him coffee, then they switch drinks, again and again and again, the staff ships it lmao, tbh jc shouldn't have done that like wtf)

For the fourth time this week a stranger orders him a cup of coffee. Lan Wangji wonders how exactly to tell this man to stop ordering him coffee he doesn't even like. Turns out, buying the other white tea and switching drinks is not the best way to go about it

canon setting

on the importance of restraint (or lack thereof) by nixthothou (4K, in which sizhui snaps, i love that boy, no like seriously he's the best boy)

Lan Sizhui does not usually find himself in the company of Sect Leader Jiang.

Suffice to say, Lan Sizhui's feelings toward him are conflicted.

lan wangji is wei wuxian's baby by lilycs (3K, i was craving fluff while reading this, lwj my beloved, drunk!lwj)

Lan Wangji gets drunk from barely a cup of alcohol, becoming a whiny baby and asking his husband for cuddles.

one of our own by glitteringmoonlight (8K, wei wuxian & lan sect, 5+1 things, in which they learn to love him, they're all part of the wwx protection squad lead by lwj, wangxian isn't the focus but !!! THIS)

Times change, but some people remain the same.

The Lans are nothing, if not aware of this.

For one of their own, they will stand against the world.

Or, 5 times the Lans defended Wei Wuxian, and the 1 time he was there to see it happen.

so why not crack your skull when the mind swells by @greenteafiend (13K, love curse, post cql canon, curses, getting together, fluff, so much fluff, lwj tries to talk about his emotions!, lwj pov)

Lan Wangji detects the curse trying to curl through his heart meridians like smoke. A love curse, then. It must have been cast remotely somehow to have found him in his bed in Cloud Recesses. No matter. Lan Wangji crushes it easily, enveloping it in his spiritual energy, and then squeezing. Curse averted, Lan Wangji closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. He thinks no more of it.

Two days later, Wei Wuxian arrives in Cloud Recesses.

Or, Wei Wuxian is cursed to feel terrible pain when he and Lan Wangji aren’t touching.

i started from the bottom / now i'm rich by x_los (57K, time travel, fix it, jealous lwj, crack treated serious, god this is so good tho, wwx/wrh & wwx/jgs but like as a joke and it doesn't really happen, but it has its purpose!!)

“First, you get the money. Then you get the power, respect - hos come last.”

 

Wen Qing traps Wei Wuxian in the Demon Slaughtering Cave, but Wei Wuxian isn’t interested in being the beneficiary of the Wen Remnants’ noble sacrifice. His efforts to free himself accidentally send him back to the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign. Coreless but armed with demonic cultivation, knowledge of the future and his wits, Wei Wuxian takes advantage of this opportunity to come out on top of both the war and its aftermath—before either has a chance to happen—by marrying and swiftly burying the cultivation world’s worst men.

Lan Wangji is confused, hurt, and uncomfortably aroused by Wei Wuxian’s improbably elaborate series of Sect-themed bridal negligees.

lead me on through by mrsronweasley (55K, they're in love your honor, arranged marriage but they don't know to whom, basically wwx & lwj want to practice kissing which then goes beyond kissing but not the whole way y'know, lxc the best wingman tho)

"Who do you think your betrothed is?" Wei Wuxian asks, sprawling out in front of Lan Zhan and enjoying the prim thinning of his lips at the question. He shouldn't be sprawling—they're in the library, for one, and Lan Zhan is studying, for another—but he can't help himself. Wei Wuxian is a sprawler.

"I do not believe this to be of importance," Lan Zhan responds, without turning his gaze away from his book.

"What!" Wei Wuxian sits up. "How can you say that? Of course it's important! This is the person you'll be with for the rest of your life, Lan Zhan."

[herzlak]

Polizeiruf 110 „Black Box“

Und dann Sommerpause, was eine Scheiße, was soll ich mit meinem Leben machen solange??

Qualität lebt.

Wenn nicht ein Mensch von nem Zug überfahren wird heute, dann bin ich sauer

GAY?

GAY!

Mord in der Regio? Hatten wir das schon mal? 9€ Ticket Wut? Auf die DB weil Klima wieder nicht funktioniert?

Traumatisierte Kommissarinnen for the win!

Da kommen schon wieder so Gefühle in mir hoch weißte?

Rosa nächste Folge wahrscheinlich auch so MIR GEHT'S GUT nein darling geht's dir nicht

Hat Brasch nen Pawlak to her inner Herzog?

Mäht da wer Rasen?

Tür auf weil unverarbeitetes Trauma oder ist die Klima wirklich kaputt?

Omg er ist voller Blut und hat messy hair! HOT.

Omg er heult! Noch hotter!

SAG AMAL

WIE KONNTE DAS DENN JETZT SO ESKALIEREN

Ich schau seit zehn Minuten-

Die Arme oha :(

Aber wenn Polizeiruf also der schlechtere Tatort (sorry) der traumatisierten Kommissarin schon Panikattacken gibt... ist es dann safe to say, dass Rosa da auch durch muss?

Weil, bei Gott, das verkrafte ich nicht.

Wenn dann muss Jan verdammt nochmal bei ihr sein und- ok ich hör auf jetzt, wir sind ja in Magdeburg, ist ja guuhuuut

Wehe übrigens WEHE diese lovestory geht scheiße aus

Wobei ich mich frag ob der eine sich nicht zu sehr schämt für die Beziehung, ich weiß nicht ich weiß nicht

Er ist vom LKA, er ist BÖSE

die vom LKA sind IMMER BÖSE.

Bro... Schon wieder die Tür...

Schatzi dir geht's echt nicht gut

Und die restlichen 60min liest sie jetzt, wie der Fall ausgeht werden wir nie erfahren, weil dann die Sendezeit vorbei ist

Ich mag ihren Kollegen by the way

PTSD schatzi guck gut hin

Omg gleich schmeißt sie mit Stühlen oder??

CHILL

Er lügt ABER CHILL

Ich glaub Adam ist das Problem.

Also der Name.

Alle Krimi Adams sind doch gay, traumatised und stecken SO TIEF in der Scheiße

BRUDER WIE SÜß

ALSO TRAUMA ABER SÜß

GENAU SO EINE SZENE FÜR JAN UND ROSA

GENAU SO EINE!!!!!

Aw ma schweet littleh gayz are not feeling so guuuud?

Are we... getting gay sex? NO OF FUCKING COURSE NOT

Ich kann auch gut mit Bällen

Omg Nachtkrapp my beloved

He snackin

DU HAST AUCH PTSD

ZEHN MONATE?

Z E H N

Die hat seit 10 Monaten unbehandelte PTSD?

Ok warte bei Rosa sinds mindestens 12-

HAHA FUUUUCK

She knows... she knows.

Ich glaub keinen Tee, ne.

PS: Ich liebe dich! DAS KANN DOCH NUR SCHIEFGEHEN SO

Armer bre :( er ist so gay und traumatisiert, ich möchte ihn umarmen

das "getötet" nur so YEEEEEET YAAAAAY

Bruder ich bin verwirrt

"Wir könnten uns ergänzen"

ENDLICH MAL FUNCTIONAL COLLEAGUES

MY PLATONIC EXCELLENCE <3

Bei Gott ich werde ein Edit von ihnen machen, die sind so söft

Der Bre is mit seinem Obstorigami beschäftigt, er will jetz nicht in Keller

Ahh der harte Fade SUCHT EUCH MAL NEN GUTEN CUTTER

Adam bre mach keinen scheiss

Adam bre is despawned

Nein er is despawned

No animals were harmed in the-

Nevermind.

Aber WARUM müssen sie IMMER vögeln

Den fucking Tod von seiner Mum miterlebt alterrrrr what the fuuuuuuuuuck

Boah ihr wollt mich doch verarschen

POLIZEIRUF WAS SOLL DAS

SO STARTEN WIR ALSO IN DIE SOMMERPAUSE JA? TRAUMATISIERT? GUT. FICKT EUCH.

Hagrid als er Harry gefunden hat so:

Omg sie macht die Tür zu?

Ne als ob ihr sie jetzt so schnell geheilt habt

MINUSPUNKT

Anyway. Mit Trauma in die Sommerpause. Gut oder? Ne find ich auch nicht.

[lady-of-the-lotus]

It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that A-Yuan thinks he’s a rabbit, or Jiang Cheng’s fault that toddler Jin Ling used to Zidian to short out the city’s power grid, or Xue Yang’s fault that little A-Qing was strapped to his chest during a motorcycle joyride down the highway, but they are stuck going to family counseling, along with a bored Lan Wangji, a giggly Xiao Xingchen, an out-to-lunch Lan Xichen, and an indignant Jin Guangyao. A lonely Nie Huaisang gets in on the action by joining all twenty group chats and sending way too many gifs.

And, all the while, a rebellion is brewing on Wangxian’s block, their neighbors driven mad by the incessant midnight duets.

Poor Dr. Wen Qing, child psychologist and therapist extraordinaire. What has she done to deserve this?

Read On AO3!

Or read below if the spirit so moves you:

There’s a letter nailed to the door when they arrive home.

Wei Wuxian rips the letter from the nail and reads it aloud.

“ ‘We, the undersigned, do hereby declare Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji to be persona non grata on Cultivator Court for the following reasons: One: Wild animals leaving unspeakable ‘presents’ on our lawns—’ ”

Wei Wuxian looks up. “That would be Lil’ Apple. Do they sell donkey diapers?”

Lan Wangji unlocks the door. “What else?”

“ ‘Two: Gangs of feral rabbits rampaging through our flower beds!’ –They do have a point here. How they keep getting loose I’ll never know. ‘Number Three: Loud duets at midnight. We get it! You’re in love! Get a soundproof basement or shut the hell up!’ ” Wei Wuxian wrinkles his nose. “Who spit in their bean curd?”

“Where do these people meet, and can I join?” asks Jiang Cheng.

* *  * *

One month earlier:

It's all the daycare’s fault, really. And also the gang’s mutual pediatrician for getting involved and setting them up with a family therapist.

And they all know they should be grateful that the authorities are letting them off easy. But—

Weekly family therapy sessions that double as parenting classes? They all already know how to change diapers and hide the matches and make airplane noises.

And none of it’s not any of their faults. More of a…

“Series of misunderstandings,” explains Wei Wuxian to Dr. Wen Qing. “I’m sure when you hear the full story, you’ll laugh too. Right, Lan Zhan?”

“I don’t think she ever laughs,” whispers Xue Yang to Xiao Xingchen, who can’t see Dr. Wen’s impassive face but dissolves into a fit of giggles anyway.

Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes at the two of them and turns to Dr. Wen. “How long is this going to take? My new fashion line launches next week! I don’t have time for this—ow!” He jerks around at A-Yuan, who's gazing up at him innocently. He glares at Wei Wuxian. “Your carrot-brained little son bit me!”

Wei Wuxian scoops his son up onto his lap. “Don’t worry, A- Yuan, Uncle Cheng didn’t mean it—”

“Thumper!” A-Yuan corrects him.

“I’m sorry. Don’t worry, Thumper , Uncle Cheng didn’t mean it.”

“That’s normal,” says Xue Yang. “ ‘Thumper’?”

Xiao Xingchen hushes him.

“I just meant I’d go for a better name,” Xue Yang goes on. “Like Iago or Mushu if we’re picking from annoying cartoon animals. Doesn’t Thumper get shot?”

“You’re thinking of Bambi,” says Meng Yao irritably. He doesn’t look up from his phone as his finger moves in a blur over the screen. He’s missing several important meetings to be here. “He's the one who gets shot.”

A- Yuan’s eyes are huge. “Bambi gets shot?”

“No, Bambi’s mother gets shot,” Xue Yang explains.

A- Yuan bursts into tears.

Lan Wangji shoots Xue Yang a look that’s pure poison.

Dr. Wen clears her throat. “This is perhaps a good example of the dysfunction that—"

“Don’t worry, Thumper’s parents are just fine!” Wei Wuxian tells A- Yuan, squeezing the boy tighter. “Jiang Cheng, show him their pictures on your phone!”

“Do you think I have cartoon rodents as my wallpaper?”

“Google it!”

“Kid’s got to learn about death sometime.” Xue Yang places a lollipop in A-Yuan’s plump little hand. A-Yuan grins at him through his tears. Xue Yang is the kids’ favorite, to the jealousy of everyone but Xiao Xingchen, who is just as beloved. “See? Now he’ll always remember it as something sweet.”

The entire group gives him a Look, save Xiao Xingchen, who’s smiling and nodding.

Sometimes I think he’s deaf as well as blind , Meng Yao texts the others. There are an endless number of group chats, with most created just to complain about the people not on that specific group chat.

WWX : That’s cruel, but...

Jiang Cheng makes an impatient sound. Jin Ling is perched on his knee, slobbering on his custom lotus-patterned purple leather cell phone case. He takes his phone out of the toddler’s mouth and sets him down on the floor. “Can we move this along? Some of us have better things to do.”

“Yes. Thank you, Mr. Jiang.” Dr. Wen glances around the circle of folding chairs. “Now, do we all know why we’re here? Mr. Xue? Would you like to go first?”

Xue Yang stops picking at his chipped black nail polish. “What?”

“Do you know why you’re here, Mr. Xue?”

“I told A-Qing to stop biting people unless they really deserve it, and besides, she’s fully vaccinated, so I don’t see the problem there—”

“Mr. Xiao? Any ideas?”

Xiao Xingchen clears his throat and shuffles his sandaled feet, nervously smoothing the fringe on his oversized tie-dye poncho. “I’m not exactly sure why we’ve been included in a Jiang family therapy session, to be quite honest.”

“Your husband and daughter have been…implicated in some of the group’s…let’s call them mishaps, and as your daughter has adopted A- Yuan’s rabbit fixa—wait a minute, where is your daughter?”

“Xingchen’s got her,” shrugs Xue Yang.

JC - JGY - WWX - Jin Ling’ Uncles

JGY : *That’s* reassuring...

JGY : They make baby leashes for a reason

WWX : Lan Zhan threatened to buy me one the last time we went to the mall. I was lost for a half hour

JC : Are you sure he wasn’t just trying to lose you in the crowd?

WWX : Actually, I think Lan Zhan *did* buy the leash in the end…

*Jiang Cheng has left the chat*

Dr. Wen inclines her head. “Your husband is beside you, Mr. Xue. Your daughter is not.”

Xue Yang cranes his neck around the room. “I’m sure she’s fine, wherever she is. Unrelated question, are all of the valuables around here locked up, or—?”

“Mr. Xue—”

“We’ll know soon enough anyway. Is there an alarm system? No, don’t tell me. I’d rather be surprised. Be right back.” He tucks his phone inside his ripped black jeans and leaves the room, whistling. The clomp of his heavy combat boots disappears down the hall.

“Don’t worry,” says Xiao Xingchen, who seems to have missed a good half of what his husband has said, as usual. “This happens all the time. A-Qing has an excellent sense of direction.”

WWX - JGY - XY - JC - LWJ - Cabbage Patch Kids

JC : What the hell does that mean? The kid’s like 5

WWX : 3, tops

JC : No way she’s 3. She stole my watch last time she played w Jin Ling

LWJ : Are you certain that wasn’t her father?

NHS : XXC would never hahaha 😭 😭 😭

WWX : Huaisang! Whassup!

NHS:

WWX: You change the chat name again? I like it.

JC: Can he take my place here? This whole thing is inane

WWX : "Inane"! So you *have* been using the Word of the Day calendar Lan Zhan bought you!

JC : Shut up

JGY : Like a 5-year-old stealing a watch makes any more sense than a 3-year-old?

WWX : Oh we’re back on that?

NHS : Who stole who’s what now?

LWJ : *whose

JGY : Jiang Cheng was robbed by a toddler.

JC : Don’t you have some corporate espionage to go do or someone’s job to steal or something?

NHS:

JC: Send one more gif and I reach through your phone and strangle you

NHS:

WWX: Did you watch Shrek again without us? That’s A- Yuan’s fav movie

NHS: ur always so busy w lwj n the baby n playing w ur corpses lately!

Dr. Wen sighs. “All right, then. Who would like to go next? Mr. Jiang? How about you? Phones away, everyone, please.”

Jiang Cheng makes a show of being annoyed at having to look up from his phone. “I shouldn’t even be here. This is idiotic.”

WWX - NHS

WWX: Or “inane”

NHS:

“That’s not what the power company report says, Mr. Jiang. Now, I don’t mean to accuse you of anything, but there are concerns—”

“I swear Zidian was depowered when I gave it to Jin Ling to play with,” Jiang Cheng says irritably. “He teethed on that thing for months as a baby. It’s fine.”

WWX -XY - LWJ - JGY - 🧟 🍬 🐇 🤠

JGY: Did Jiang Cheng just tell a mandated reporter that he let Jin Ling teethe on his magic lightning whip?

XY: dammit Im missing all the good stuff!

LWJ: *I’m

NHS:

JGY: You’re wasting my phone’s memory with these ridiculous gifs.

NHS: *inane gifs

XY: Jiggy why don’t you just have your 🍬 🍭 👦👨 buy you a fancy new phone with more memory?

NHS:

WWX: XY did you find A-Qing?

NHS: He lost A-Qing again?

LWJ: …Again?

XY: NHS do you like your tongue where it is or

NHS:

JGY: ?

XY: fingers. whatever.

WWX: I'm lost too

XY: nvm

JGY: That was edifying.

“Now, Mr. Jiang, I don’t mean to insinuate that you let your three-year-old nephew play unsupervised with a dangerous weapon that mistakenly activated and went on to fry the power grid and knock out all power within a five-mile radius for two weeks—”

JGY: Despicable inefficiency

“—or that you took him to a weapons expo, because, I quote ‘He’s going to have to learn to fight eventually anyway’—”

“It was an archery range.”

WWX - LWJ - NHS - Wen Chao Sucks!

WWX: Start ‘em young

NHS: i think it's inane

NHS: WWX? did LWJ smile at that one?

LWJ: No

WWX: He’s laughing on the inside

NHS: how….inane

“Mr. Jiang? Have you any response?”

Jiang Cheng crosses his arms over his chest. Jin Ling is hopping around on the floor with A- Yuan. Obviously not electrocuted, Jiang Cheng thinks, so what’s the problem? “So when my brother blows out the entire neighborhood’s power doing illegal experiments in his garage it’s okay, but I plug a space heater into the same outlet as a toaster and I’m suddenly the devil incarnate?”

NHS - WWX - JGY - Two Bros & A Guy

NHS : Why would you need a space heater in the kitchen? what I do is turn the oven on and that gets the room all hot

WWX : I think you need a new oven

NHS : Are ovens not supposed to do that??

WWX : Do fridges radiate cold?

NHS : I never thought about it that way 🤔

JGY : In the history of the world, nobody ever has.

WWX : Also, all of my illegal experiments are electricity-free.

JGY : …Jin Ling is never spending the night at your house again.

WWX : I said electricity-FREE!

JGY : Because a fridge full of corpses that you and that psychotic hooligan are trying to raise from the dead is so much better.

WWX : A) it’s a top-of-the-line industrial freezer, not a fridge, and B) those corpses were ethically-sourced—locally-sourced, anyway—

NHS : free-range & organic

WWX : zip it Huaisang

NHS : 🐓

Dr. Wen taps her clipboard with her pen. “Mr. Jiang, nobody's accusing you of anything. This is simply—”

“Whatever. What about him?” Jiang Cheng jerks a thumb at Meng Yao. “At least I didn’t set fire to anything.”

Meng Yao straightens up indignantly. “That was an accident!”

Dr. Wen looks like she wants to go home. “According to the fire marshal’s report, it—”

“I’m so terribly sorry I’m late!” A slightly disheveled Lan Xichen appears in the doorway, Xue Yang behind him. “I locked my keys in the car, and was going to call AAA, but then I remembered that we aren’t members—did you know you have to be a member?—plus my phone—”

Xue Yang slaps him on the back. His other hand, gloved as always, is holding A-Qing by the hand. Her oversized pockets clink suspiciously as she runs to go play with A-Yuan and Jin Ling. Today Xue Yang has dressed her in a pink poodle skirt, black boots with frilly socks, and a black T-shirt with the words “Daddy’s Little Delinquent” in pink script, pulling her hair into spiky little pigtails.

“—and the look the bus driver gave me when I tried paying with the $50 I luckily had in my pocket!”

“He’s telling the truth,” Xue Yang says. Over the years, an odd friendship has sprung up between him and Lan Xichen. “He has a stamped bus pass and everything. Look at the poor man. Had to squash in with the hoi poloi. He won’t be over this for weeks.”

Lan Xichen is blinking too much. “And someone on the bus stole my wallet, though I could have sworn I left the bus with it—”

Xue Yang winks at A-Qing, who grins at him and pats the bulging pocket on her frilly pink skirt.

JC - WWX

JC : Why is my lead fashion designer wearing CROCS??

WWX : His house keys must have been on the same keychain. Lan Zhan said he took today off from work

JC : Okay but why are they orange?

WWX : Not everything he owns has to be blue, you know

JC : His contract clearly states at least three out of every four articles of clothing have to be blue!

WWX : Relax, lil bro

JC : He’s the face of our Overly Elaborate Yet Elegantly Simple Eveningwear division!

NHS : Who is?

JC : GET BIRD BRAIN OFF THIS CHAT OR I SWEAR TO ZIDIAN—

NHS : 😿 who just showed up? Xichen?

WWX : Yup he just arrived after a harrowing bus experience

NHS : https://cutt.ly/Mks2dgu ?

JC : Does anyone actually like when people send them links??

NHS : https://cutt.ly/hks21H8

Meng Yao is wearing what Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang call his "customer service smile," a holdover from his dark days in retail. It's the closest he ever gets to showing irritation towards his fiancé. “Why didn’t you Uber over, Xichen?”

“I locked my phone in the car with the keys—”

“It’s fine, Mr. Lan," says Dr. Wen. "Please have a seat. You’re just in time. After all, you were mentioned by name in the fire marshal’s report, along with the somewhat contradictory descriptions of ‘dazed’ and ‘hysterically sobbing,’ which naturally piqued my interest—”

Lan Xichen seats himself beside Meng Yao. He's still looking somewhat frazzled Then again, his main two facial expressions are “gentle smile” and “mild anxious look.” “That was an accident. The fire, I mean. A little mishap.”

“Gentlemen, all of these incidents cannot be mere ‘accidents’—”

“I was meditating and A-Ling wandered in and knocked over the incense burner,” Lan Xichen explains hurriedly. Meng Yao, well-practiced as he is at hiding his emotions, winces slightly. “The window was open, and there was a breeze, and A-Yao just bought these new gauzy curtains that tend to flap about quite a bit—”

XY - JGY - LWJ - JC - NHS - Crossing Us Is A *Great* Idea

XY : And burn quickly

NHS : What am I missing???

XY : Insurance fraud

NHS:

XY : Yes. We’re all complicit now

JGY : Xue Yang, have you heard of a little something called libel?

XY : 🖕 We should go back to building with asbestos like they did in the good old days

JC : We’re all so glad you’re here, Xue Yang

NHS : I need to adopt a kid so I can join your group or something, this sucks, you get to go this secret club every week, jc I see wwx even less than you do

JC : stop talking

XY : What color baby you want, NHS?

JC : What the hell??

XY : That was a joke

NHS: ....

“…and I was so deep in meditation I didn’t notice the flames until the fire department arrived, but A-Ling was fine, just fine, and all the fire fighters were so very nice…”

WWX : Can confirm. Xichen was more traumatized than the kid. The firefighters had to wrap him in like fifty foil blankets

XY : XXC tells me Himbo stayed with you a full week, was that why? my boy didn't tell me

LWJ : “Himbo”? He got 1600 on his SAT.

XY: Term of endearment he knows he’s my boy plus the guy locked his keys and phone in the car for the second time this month

JC : At least he feels remorse over his child endangerment, unlike certain other people I could mention

LWJ : "Child endangerment"?

XY : Tell us again about how Jin Ling used to teethe on Zidian, JC?

NHS:

“Dr. Wen will be pleased to know that my apartment is now fully equipped with a top-of-the-line sprinkler system,” says Meng Yao smoothly. “No more incense, either. This unfortunate incident will never be repeated again.”

XY - WWX - JC - Odd Man Out

XY : At least not until the insurance money runs out

WWX : 😒

XY : Not that he needs it, after landing Himbo

NHS:

WWX: Those jokes really aren't funny

NHS: 😔

JC: Dammit NHS are you in every chat?? Did you change the chat names? Why aren't you showing up on half the participant lists?? Did you hack our phones or what??

NHS: Don’t be so *inane*

Wei Wuxian titters.

“Mr. Wei? Since you seem so eager to speak, perhaps we should move onto your issues, then.”

Wei Wuxian straightens up and points to his chest, the picture of innocence. “Me?”

Dr. Wen smiles thinly. “You, Mr. Wei. Perhaps you can tell us your side of what the school is referring to as ‘The Radish Incident.’ ”

“Well….” Wei Wuxian darts a glance over at Lan Wangji, who is as impassive as ever. “I was just burying him for fun, you know. We like to pretend he’s a radish—“

“A radish?”

“It’s a…you know. A game. I personally like potatoes better, but—”

“Mr. Wei, several parents complained to the school.”

“Because we were hogging the sandbox.”

“Because your son was running around screaming ‘I’m a chubby little radish boy!’ Which in itself would not be cause for concern. But coupled with his troubling behavior the following week—"

XY - JC - JGY - Two Men & A Half

XY : Where did she get these records? Who does she work for, the NSA?

NHS : She’s an astronaut?

JGY : How did you sneak into this chat? And did you rename it?

NHS : 😉

JGY: You're what, an inch taller than me?

XY: someone struck a nerve

JGY: It's just derivative of the other group chat, that's all.

NHS : u said no to "gettin' jiggy w it" i had no other choice. anyway what's happening over there?

JC : I’ll give Dr. W this, that kid is weird.

NHS : who a-yuan?

JC : I’ll give Dr. W this, that kid is weird.

JC : I mean, he’s my nephew, he’s a great kid, that’s not what I’m meant—

XY : *delete delete*

JC : How does your hippie husband put up with you??

JGY : We suspect brainwashing or blackmail.

“—when he decided he was a rabbit or," Dr. Wen continues, "or, as he put it, ‘Daddy’s Huggy Little Bunny Boy.”

“He is Daddy’s Huggy Little Bunn—"

“And only responds to the name ‘Thumper,’ refuses to eat anything other than carrots or food containing carrots, insists on wearing bunny ears—"

XY - NHS

XY : If it’s good enough for Louis Belcher, it’s good enough for Freaky Little Bunny Boy

NHS:

you watch the show too?? I call mingjue “bob” - u know - grumpy mustache guy

XY : I’m sure that’s gone over well

NHS: he’ll learn to love it

XY : A-Qing loves Louis

NHS:

“—hops around instead of walking, and has convinced others of the same…fantasy.”

Everyone glances over at the three children, who are hopping in a circle. A-Yuan has a fluffy little tail on the seat of his pants, carefully sewn on by Lan Wangji. Jin Ling has a handful of cotton balls that had been badly superglued on by an annoyed Jiang Cheng. And A-Qing has a wad of blue cotton candy taped to her frilly pink skirt with a strip of duct tape. As they watch, Jin Ling rips the cotton candy off and stuffs it in his mouth. A-Qing shoves him onto his cottony rear end.

“That’s my girl!” Xue Yang calls.

“Daddy’s proud of you!” Xiao Xingchen adds, though he’s not quite sure what’s going on.

Dr. Wen sighs. “I’m still unclear about how this started. Was it the rabbit incident? Mr. Lan—" She nods her head at Lan Wangji to differentiate between the brothers. Lan Xichen has fallen asleep in his chair, exhausted by his first-ever bus ride. “—I mean, I beg your pardon, Dr. Lan. Perhaps you can fill us in on that? He told his teacher he was attacked by a rabbit monster."

“So he was bitten by one rabbit!” Wei Wuxian says when Lan Wangji just eyes her coldly. “It wasn’t Lan Zhan’s fault. That rabbit was bad news. It had this gleam in its eye—lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes—"

Xiao Xingchen emits a muffled little squeak. Xue Yang looks annoyed. He hates when other people make Xiao Xingchen laugh.

NHS - JC

NHS:

JC: yes yes we all get the Jaws reference

NHS: the last movie we all watched together : /

JC: yes I just said that

NHS: like three months ago

JC: and?

NHS: just saying...

“He was scared of the rabbits after that, and so Lan Zhan told him that rabbits only bite their own, and, well…I mean, we have a hundred rabbits in our backyard. It was either rehoming them and making the news like those crazy cat people, or making A-Yuan feel better.”

A-Yuan hops past, wiggling his cotton tail.

Jiang Cheng rubs his temples.

“All right, Mr. Wei. Thank you. That’s…elucidating. We’ll delve into that in future sessions. Now, perhaps we can discuss the June 7th incident involving you and Mr. Xue?”

Xiao Xingchen starts to laugh again. Xue Yang grins to himself.

LWJ - JC

LWJ : What happened on the 7th?

JC : Am I my brother’s keeper??

“Now, the seventh? I was…hard to remember, all that time ago…” Wei Wuxian taps his chin. "The mists of time and all that."

“It was three weeks ago, Mr. Wei.”

“The seventh….the seventh…was that a Tuesday—?”

“Wen Chao had it coming,” said Xue Yang. Smirking, he twirls his ponytail around a finger. His ponytail is long and sleek and sprouts from the top of his head like an 80s schoolgirl's. “Amiright, ‘Mr. Wei’?”

Wei Wuxian coughs. “You mean the Wen Chao who lives on Qishan Road? That Wen Chao?”

“That spoiled rich kid?” Jiang Cheng asks. (“As if you’re one to talk,” says Xue Yang.) “With the oversized Humvee and tractor-sized tires with spinning rims? Zipping down the street at all hours and blasting his music? I went to college with him. He used to leave double-deckers in the bathroom at frat parties.”

Dr. Wen swallows a long-suffering sigh. “Thank you, Mr. Jiang. I’m sure that information will prove most helpful in evaluating your brother’s case. Mr. Wei, your arrest, combined with the Huggy Little Bunny Boy Incident, does not fill me with confidence.”

“Not arrested—"

“Taken for questioning,” Xue Yang agrees. “By the neighborhood watch. Golf dads and wine moms. Very different from 'arrested.' "

"And you should know," says Meng Yao.

JC - JGY

NHS : What’s going on? What am I missing????

JGY: Did you just make a new group chat? Your name isn't showing up. This is disconcerting.

NHS: don’t worry about it

JC : We’re talking about Wen Chao

NHS : overcompensating humvee ex-frat boy with the hair gel? vomit in the jacuzzi and streak across the field at the big game wen chao? ur babysitter's cousin?

JC : The very idiot

NHS : He has nice sunglasses

JC : For a Russian mobster

NHS : Says the guy who owns a purple zebra striped jacket

JC : Says the guy with more bird-themed shirts than Winston Bishop

JGY : Touche.

NHS : i didn’t know u watch New Girl 2! we must talk l8tr shorturl.at/vDI26

JGY : Your abbreviations are marginally shorter than the actual words.

NHS :

JC : Cleaning bird cages does take up most of one’s afternoon

NHS : see, u get it

JC : Dr. Wen isn’t buying whatever WWX is selling here.

JGY : Wen Chao is related to Dr. Wen. If WWX had any more sense than a chipmunk, he’d realize that. No matter how much you hate someone, family is family...

“Wen Chao was a public menace,” says Wei Wuxian self-righteously. “He deserved what he got. Speeding down the street all the time. Think of the children!”

LWJ - WWX

LWJ: Why is this my first time hearing about this?

WWX: You’ve heard me complain about WC a million times. I even named a group chat after him!

LWJ: Wei Ying.

WWX: You were off visiting your uncle with A-Yuan ! You left me unsupervised! I am not to be blamed!!!

LWJ: We’ll discuss this later

WWX: 😓

“Perhaps the better question is where you got all those fish,” says Dr. Wen.

Everyone turns to look at Xue Yang.

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” he grins.

Xiao Xingchen chuckles.

“Five hundred dollars in damages, Mr. Xue. Raw fish juice is difficult to get out of faux tiger fur upholstery, I understand.”

Xue Yang flaps his hand. “His father can afford it.”

“That is not the—" Dr. Wen stops, perhaps realizing that an argument with Xue Yang means forfeiting a chunk of her sanity. “Moving on, Mr. Xue, can you explain this picture you posted on social media?”

“That picture’s an old one. A-Qing’s just a baby.”

“Mr. Xue, given the recent threats you made towards A-Qing’s daycare teacher for putting her in a time-out for stealing her classmate’s graham crackers and apple juice, this is relevant.”

“Posting that to the public account was a mistake, if that’s your concern. My Insta for A-Qing is private, but I was in a candy store and got kind of distracted by the new sugar-frosted fruity explosion jaw-busting mega bombs—"

“You fail to understand the issue, Mr. Xue. What’s that in her mouth?”

“Fingers. Or is that a toe?”

Xiao Xingchen laughs.

“They weren't real,” says Xue Yang.

WWX - JC

WWX:

JC: Great more gifs

“I think I have one with the Halloween store tags still on—" Xue Yang scrolls through the hundreds of photos of A-Qing filling his phone. “Should be one in here somewhere—oh, look, Xingchen, these are from your birthday party; I tell you, Amazo the Magnificent had no sense of humor at all; you’d think nobody had ever replaced his rabbit with a porcupine before-"

Jin Ling hops by. “Rabbit!” he cheers.

Jiang Cheng groans.

“There is blood on the fingers, Mr. Xue.”

Xue Yang gives a breezy laugh. “Paint. The springy plastic is perfect for teething. You just put it in the freezer for a few hours—real fingers wouldn’t work; they’d freeze solid, which makes good ice packs for those hard-to-reach places, sure, but as far as teething goes—”

Dr. Wen holds up a hand. “Thank you, Mr. Xue. That’s enough. My next question is about this speeding ticket, which you received while your daughter was strapped to your chest.”

“She was wearing a helmet!”

“You were driving a motorcycle down the highway, Mr. Xue.”

Xue Yang glances hurriedly at Xiao Xingchen, who’s frowning. “These were two separate incidents—"

“Mr. Xue, I don’t think that that makes it much better—"

“Ouch!” Meng Yao shoots to his feet. “He bit me! Your son bit me!”

Wei Wuxian scoops up A- Yuan, who's looking very satisfied with himself. “You shouldn’t have worn a carrot-orange shirt, then.”

“It’s not orange, it’s beige—"

“Maybe he was aiming for Xichen’s crocs and missed,” Xue Yang suggests.

Meng Yao pats his pockets. “Where’s my phone?”

Xue Yang winks at A-Qing, whose already-stuffed pocket is bulging further. Xue Yang likes dressing her in disarmingly cute dresses and skirts with huge pockets, the better to hide her loot. She grins and twirls a pigtail like Xue Yang twirls his ponytail and skips off with Jin Ling and A- Yuan.

Meng Yao is wearing the fixed smile of a Starbucks barista whose customer just asked to speak to the manager. Never a good sign. “Could somebody be so kind as to call my phone?”

Wei Wuxian makes a show of dialing. No one else moves. Lan Xichen mumbles something to himself in his sleep, chin sunk deep in his chest.

“Sorry, Jiggy,” says Wei Wuxian. “Maybe you left your phone at home?”

“You all saw me using it not a minute ago, and kindly stop calling me Jiggy—"

“A-Yao?”

Meng Yao’s customer service smile slips. “Just stop talking for five seconds, that’s all I ask—"

Dr. Wen shakes her head. At this point she seems more bored than anything else. “Moving along, Mr. Xiao, this is perhaps inconsequential when held up beside your husband’s joyrides with A-Qing—"

“Not a joyride,” Xue Yang interrupts. “That motorcycle is registered in my name. Well, a name—"

“—but A-Qing’s teacher has told me that she witnessed you allowing A-Qing to take candy from strangers.”

“The lady seemed nice,” says Xiao Xingchen, folding his hands placidly in his lap. “She had peppermints.”

Xue Yang sighs fondly.

JC - WWX

NHS: thnx for calling me WWX. reception could be better but this is better than anything on tv. literally candy from strangers?

JC: Dear heaven HE’S back. Just text a chat you're actually on!

NHS: ‘Dear heaven’?

JC: This is inane!

WWX: …not bad

Xiao Xingchen smiles. “She smelled like snickerdoodles and lavender.”

Dr. Wen sighs. “Mr. Xiao—"

“I’ll talk to him later, doctor,” says Xue Yang, patting Xiao Xingchen’s arm reassuringly. “Anything else? What did Mr. Beige do?” He grins at Meng Yao, who’s still looking for his phone.

“Mr. Meng, aside for the fire, which we’ve established is not your fault—though, fiance or not, you should be a bit more judicious in your choice of babysitters—"

Lan Wangji shoots Dr. Wen a look that almost melts the metal clip on her clipboard.

She absorbs it without so much as an eyebrow twitch. “—there is the Treehouse Incident, though I don’t believe the collapse of your nephew’s treehouse was your fault.”

JC - WWX - LWJ - We’re All Cool Here We Promise

NHS : i hear he bought the biggest fanciest one he could then set it up himself and then it fell down at the first storm. if that’s not a metaphor for his life I don’t know what is

JC : That wasn’t funny, someone could have gotten hurt

WWX : it was kind of funny

NHS : it was very funny

LWJ : "Hurt" like a baby at a weapons expo?

NHS : LWJ IN DA HOUSE!

JC : It was an ARCHERY RANGE

LWJ:

NHS: LWJ USED A GIF IM DEAD LMAO—

LWJ: *I’m

“We are suing the playhouse company,” says Meng Yao. “Right, Xichen?”

“Hm?” Lan Xichen sits up with a jerk. “I beg your pardon?”

Meng Yao gives him a patient smile and turns back to Dr. Wen. “As you can see, we have the situation well in hand.”

Lan Xichen has no idea what he’s talking about but nods along anyway. “Of course we do. In fact—" He whips out a recorder and starts playing “Wonderwall.”

“That was…lovely,” says Dr. Wen once he finishes. “Don’t do it again. Now, moving on to the County Fair Incident—"

“Which was an accident!”

“One more interruption, Mr. Wei, and you will be asked to return for solo counseling."

JC - LWJ - XY - NHS - Lan Wangji Pls Stop Vetoing All My Best Chat Names Thnx

NHS : Make him stand in the corner! LWJ, does that ever work at home?

XY : I think he uses *stronger* methods 😏

*Lan Wangji has left the chat*

JC : Xue Yang shut up I will end you that’s my brother

XY : End me with your sparkly little whip? 👀

JC : Your husband’s sitting right next to you you little freak. Allo people are so fricking annoying!

NHS : hey!

JC: I call it as I see it

NHS: your one to talk 😒

*Lan Wangji has joined the chat*

LWJ : *You're

*Lan Wangji has left the chat*

XY : How old were you when you lost your sense of humor, Grape Boy?

JC : “Grape Boy” is that the best you can do?

XY : there are children present

NHS : 🤭 🤭 🤭

JC : Same way there are children present while barreling down the highway at 80 mph on a motorcycle?

NHS:

XY : The state troopers blew that way out of proportion

Dr. Wen taps her clipboard. “Stealing livestock violates Section 2 of the Farm and Livestock Act—”

“No harm no foul,” shrugs Xue Yang. “And Xiao Xingchen gave all the trampled people candy afterward, so we’re all square. Well, snacks, anyway."

“Good snacks,” Xiao Xingchen adds. “Carob-covered rice cakes and trail mix.”

NHS: 🤢

“You can’t just hand out nuts children who might have an allergy—"

“There were also boxes of raisins. Full-size.”

Dr. Wen struggles to keep from rolling her eyes. Jiang Cheng rolls his hard enough for the both of them.

JC - NHS

NHS:

JC: wtf is that get that off my screen

“According to the police report, all three of your children broke into the paddock, released the donkey, and rode him down the main promenade, scattering fairgoers in their wake. I have the video.” Dr. Wen holds up her phone. Loud screams and merry-go-round music blast from her phone. “Mr. Xue? Anything to say?”

“That guy was barely trampled,” says Xue Yang. “Also, I had nothing to do with opening the paddock, whose latch sticks (just by the way), or helping the kids up onto the donkey, so—"

“This was found at the scene.” She holds up black leather necklace with a single red bead. "Look familiar, Mr. Xue?”

Xue Yang touches his bare throat. “I’ve been framed.”

“And this.” She holds up a flute and glances over at Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian darts a quick glance over at Lan Wangji, who does not look amused. Then again, he never does. “Since when was I even a suspect—?"

“Since you left your flute there like an idiot,” says Jiang Cheng.

“Lil’ Apple’s paddock was too small! I had to do something."

“Gentlemen—"

The cuckoo clock on the wall goes off, waking up Lan Xichen, who’s drifted off again. He whips out his recorder again but Meng Yao lays a gently restraining hand on his wrist.

Dr. Wen rises. “We will continue this next week. In the meantime, I have some worksheets—"

JC - NHS

JC : Kill me now

NHS : i wouldnt tempt LWJ if i were u…

JC : not like I take up any of WWX’s precious time anyway anymore. LWJ goes out of town and WWX teams up with that nutcase ex-juvenile delinquent of all people to vandalize WC’s car?? In college we stole WC's team's stupid tortoise mascot together

NHS : …..i'll call u later

JC : Please don’t

NHS :

NHS: u can come over on ur own to watch a movie or smthing u know

NHS: ur new line launched already so ur not so busy now right?

NHS: u can bring jin ling along as a chaperone if u want

NHS: hello?

NHS: that was a joke…

JC: okay but no more romcoms

NHS: u brought mama mia over last time not me

JC: I grabbed the wrong dvd

NHS: …..🤐

JC: 🖕

NHS: 😏 see u soon

* * * *

One month later:

“Best session yet!” says Wei Wuxian as they pull up to his house in Jiang Cheng's sleek purple Jaguar. “I mean, Dr. Wen wasn’t thrilled about the whole ‘our kids visited Nie Huaisang’s bird sanctuary and now think they’re skvaders’ thing, but all in all—"

“Just get out of the car.” Jiang Cheng gives him a little shove. They’d all been busy this past month, and had only seen Nie Huaisang once, but that had been enough to convince the kids that they’re hybrid bunny-birds. “I’ll wait outside while you go and get Jin Ling—" He stops. A letter is nailed to the front door.

“Is someone starting another Protestant reformation?” Wei Wuxian jokes. He grins at Lan Wangji, who raises his eyebrow slightly. Excellent. So he found the joke as funny as he did, though going by the way he eyes the nail he’s not thrilled about what just happened to the door’s glossy blue paint.

Wei Wuxian rips the letter from the nail and starts to read aloud. “ ‘We, the undersigned, do hereby declare Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji to be persona non grata on Cultivator Court for the following reasons: One: Wild animals leaving unspeakable “presents” on our lawns—’ ”

Wei Wuxian looks up. “That would be Lil’ Apple. Do they sell donkey diapers?”

LWJ unlocks the door. “What else?”

“ ‘Two: Gangs of feral rabbits rampaging through our flower beds!’ –They do have a point here. How they keep getting loose I’ll never know. ‘Number Three: Loud duets at midnight. We get it! You’re in love! Get a soundproof basement or shut the hell up!’ ” Wei Wuxian wrinkles his nose. “Who spit in their bean curd?”

“Where do these people meet, and can I join?” asks Jiang Cheng.

Wei Wuxian slings an arm around his shoulders, the first time in weeks. Jiang Cheng hasn’t seen much of his brother outside of the counseling sessions. “Dr. Wen says that kind of negativity is toxic.”

Jiang Cheng grunts, but lets Wei Wuxian keep his arm on his shoulder. “I’ll show you toxic—”

The babysitter is sitting under the table with Jin Ling and A-Yuan when they enter the house, building a miniature cenotaph made out of blocks.

“The kids okay, Wen Ning?” Wei Wuxian asks him.

Wen Ning peers out from between two chairs. “We were under siege for a couple of hours. Pitchforks and torches, same old thing. But we turned out the lights and stayed away from the windows and made s’mores.”

“So that’s what happened to all the plastic lawn flamingos. Trampled by angry villagers."

Jiang Cheng pinches his temples. “I told you adopting an incontinent donkey was a bad idea. At least keep his paddock locked.”

“We don’t have to tell your sister about this, do we, Wen Ning? …Good. What did the mob look like? Did you catch any names?”

“They were led by a fat man with a goatee and a skinny old guy with beady eyes and a moustache like two long droopy rat tails." Wen Ning crawls out from under the table. “The skinny guy was wearing bright red and blue and purple clothes and the fat guy had a bullhorn. And my cousin Wen Chao was in back yelling something about the rising cost of dry cleaning in this day and age, I think?”

“Yao and Ouyang.” Wei Wuxian makes a face. “Power couple from hell, and I should know. I’ve been there.”

“Are they those nosy neighbors you’re always complaining about?” asks Jiang Cheng.

“They’ve been after us from day one!”

“Well, having that fierce corpse of yours key their car didn’t help.”

“That was an accident.”

Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes.

“You know, Nie Huaisang has been texting me about this house for sale next door to him,” says Wei Wuxian thoughtfully. “Lan Zhan, maybe we should check it out?”

Jiang Cheng picks up Jin Ling and pats him gently on the back. “You’re just going to have the same problem with the angry villagers, just across town.”

“No, it’s a big corner lot. I’ve seen it. Looks like the Addams Family lives there. Comes with its own little graveyard and everything. Huaisang’s family owns it, and they’ve been trying to unload it for months, but everyone thinks it’s haunted just because of that time I brought those fierce corpses with me on a visit and they got loose—but that’s neither here nor there. It’s perfect!”

Lan Wangji nods.

“Whatever.” Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes. “Let’s get going, A-Ling.”

Once he’s strapped Jin Ling into his car seat, he takes out his phone.

JC - NHS

JC : Your plan worked

Nie Huaisang:

???

Jiang Cheng: yeah. Thanks for riling them up behind my brother’s back all month. Class move. Direct and straightforward

NHS:

NHS: not that they needed much inciting. wwx blowing up the garage was the last straw

JC : was still weirdly convoluted for no reason

JC : Not sure why you had to get me involved either

NHS: says the guy who lives 20 blocks away but still volunteered to file the noise complaint because, i quote, “the duets *R* annoying”

JC : well you can’t file a complaint about them stopping mid-conversation with you to gaze soulfully into each others’ eyes for ten minutes

NHS : *snort*

JC : If you miss WWX so much 🙄 why didn’t you just tell him straight out instead of pulling this shtick?

NHS:

NHS : there’s another house available down the street just fyi…

NHS: my big fat greek wedding sat night? u bring the dvd n i’ll get the pizza

Shaking his head, but smiling to himself, Jiang Cheng starts the car.

[yea-baiyi]

in an attempt to get myself thinking about cql again, i tried combining it with my current other hyperfixation by generating a figure skating au and i’m SCREAMING thinking about this

i’m just going to stream-of-consciousness all of my ideas into this post because these ideas are so good i am going INSANE

- wwx inspired by kostornaia my beloved — strong skating skills base (because of his parents, then after his parents die he goes to jiang fengmians skating school which puts him in competitive contention. ) jumps are decent but a bit all over the place bc coaches don’t prioritise him, incredible performance charisma, endearing personality but undervalued by federation + school

- wwx could do kostotwilight. and he would. the mental image of wwx doing the twilight ending pose has been haunting me ALL DAY. wwx could do harley quinn. he could do new york new york. he could do departure. tell me i’m WRONG

- i don’t have a solid inspo for lwj but he’s DEFINITELY like those male skaters with the THICK thighs and gorgeous knee bend. i’m picturing glittery outfits, lyrical programmes, strong ss. but maybe low on interpretation. anyway he and wwx are rivals for gold whenever they compete. when wwx drops out he’s undeniable gold.

- lxc style inspired by yuna kim. the excellent all-rounder but kind of quiet/detached from it all. retires after 2 olympics and considered undeniable goat but also out of the competitive scene — on that note, nmj as mao asada??? contemporary and rival with yuna kim, less consistent and less perfect technique, but with higher value jumps and keeps going at it for longer

- i pictured a twin jades side-by-side cantilever and almost burst into tears on the street. like lan brothers would defo have strong core focus stunts. cantilevers. spirals. spread eagles. their edges are so deep i am sweating.

- anyway jiang cheng having a sort of sasha trusova/nathan chen ferocity, strong jumper but ALL over the place, skating skills not too strong but it’s something he wants to work on. later in his career his costumes become increasingly sparkly and scary looking

- jiang yanli/jin zixuan as chock/bates, this one had me cracked up ALL morning,,, nepotism babies, jyl as madison chock aka pretty and girlboss but CANNOT skate, jzx the stronger skater but simps for jyl. fans hate them for being overscored but nobody dares to say anything bc all their fave skaters ADORE jyl. diana davis energy tbh.

- yunmeng trio doing sbs axel jumps like yuzu with virtuemoir……..

- SIDENOTE that video of sasha trusova at rusnats jumping up and down and around diana davis before grabbing her for hugs is wwx with lwj.

- ON THAT NOTE, wq/wn as sui/han. just because i need wen ning to lift wwx like evan bates lifted yuzuru hanyu. lwj is seething with jealousy.

- nie huaisang as satoko miyahara. best costumes and performance and pcs but criminally underscored and overlooked. no da-ge i will NOT fix my jumps :)

- wwx and nhs doing kaori and mai’s besties programme…….

- i actually have a whole plot for this already fully formed PLEASE i don’t know what to do with it???? i’m driving myself INSANE

- i don’t know even know if writing it would be worth it because i don’t know if i can convey the pure emotion that comes with WATCHING skating and attaching my affection for these characters TO such a moment

- like bro imagine wwx hitting that long spiral. like. with the lights. the music beats. i don’t know how to explain this i’m HYSTERICAL. i could supply gifs but it would not convey the experience.

- i can’t keep doing this i’ve driven myself insane over this dumb au that i don’t even know what to do with please send help or suggestions

[ibijau]

Sometimes, you just get a random idea for a thing that demands to be written, so... here’s a no-Sunshot-Campaign AU where the Wens are still the worst, but in a different way :)

warning for character death, implied sexual abuse, and some descriptions of a corpse

It's not the most interesting Night Hunt they've been on, but Nie Mingjue is always glad when Lan Xichen makes time to spend time with him. It was hard for a while to be around each other, but they're starting to move on at last. All they have to do is avoid one certain topic, and things are fine. 

And so they are walking together in that forest, keeping within reasonable distance of the road that traverses it. Nie Mingjue had heard reports of terrible monsters, but so far they've found nothing but a few fierces corpses. If he had known, Nie Mingjue would have brought juniors instead of bothering Lan Xichen with this. He did hesitate after all, unsure how his friend would feel about getting so close to Qishan Wen's territory. In the end, Lan Xichen seems fine. It's been over four years, after all. 

Still, as they get closer to the border, it's Nie Mingjue himself who gets uncomfortable. He's about to suggest they head back and let the Wens deal with whatever is on their side of the forest when they hear a desperate cry coming from further away. 

The voice, unmistakably, is that of a child. 

Without so much as sharing a glance, Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen rush ahead, running among the trees until they find the source of that shout. 

There is, in fact, a child. A toddler really, clinging tightly to a teenager in clothes too light for the weather. The older boy has a sword in hand which he seems ill at ease with, pointed at a large group of fierce corpses. He seems to have managed to dispatch a few already, but he's struggling, too frail for a fight like that, especially while protecting the little boy in his arms. 

The teenager is panting, breathing hard, but when one of the corpses comes closer he attacks without hesitation. 

Without skill as well. Whoever taught that kid to hold a sword did a terrible job of it. His movements are wrong for the weapon in his hand, though his posture isn't awful, meaning he does have some training. That boy is dreadful at fighting, and yet there's real skill to his movements, something almost familiar. He manages, somehow, to decapitate the fierce corpse, but loses his balance and falls, angling his body so the toddler in his arms won't be hurt. 

The child cries again, while in Nie Mingjue's hand Baxia nearly vibrates with rage. 

Even if they have to be careful not to hit the two children, Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen effortlessly dispatch the fierce corpses and purify them before turning their attention to that odd duo they rescued. 

And they are odd indeed. The teenager's clothes aren't just too light for the middle of fall, they are spun in delicate silk and beautifully embroidered. His hair is disheveled from the fight but still retains elegant gold decorations shaped like the sun, like Wen concubines usually sport. This would explain the Wen sword in his hand, but only partly. The Wens don't usually let their concubines Night Hunt, or cultivate at all unless they are particularly beloved. 

Still curled up around the toddler, his eyes closed and panting hard, the boy flinches when Lan Xichen kneels next to him to check on him. 

"It's fine, you're safe now," Lan Xichen says gently. "They can't hurt you anymore." 

The boy's eyes snap open, and he stares at Lan Xichen like a poet stares at the moon. It's not an unusual reaction to seeing the First Jade of Gusu Lan, but something about it rubs Nie Mingjue the wrong way, especially when the boy's eyes turn to him and he gets so overwhelmed he starts crying. 

"I made it," he sobs, holding the toddler closer against his chest. "I made it, I made it!" 

Surprised as well by that reaction, but getting suspicious as to the reason behind it, Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue exchange a glance. If it is what they think, it's lucky it's only the two of them. The more people know, the harder it is to deal with these situations. 

"Did you come here all the way from Qishan?" Lan Xichen asks, with all the gentleness he's capable of. "From the palace?" 

The boy flinches again and sits up, pulling the toddler in his lap. There's a calculating air to him, but that's to be expected. He wouldn't have made it this far if he weren't careful. 

"My name is…" the boy starts, before stopping to look at both of them, his face turning harder. "My name is Mo Xuanyu," he says slowly, almost like he reciting a lesson. "My father gave me as a concubine to Wen Chao. The little boy is Wen Yuan. His mother was another concubine of Wen Chao. I think she's dead now. I hope she's dead." 

His arms tighten around the toddler who cries out in protest but doesn't try to escape. 

"Why do you think she's dead?" Lan Xichen asks, his voice perfectly steady even after hearing that name, while Nie Mingjue kneels next to him.

“You have to promise you’ll help us,” Mo Xuanyu retorts. “That you’ll help him at least,” he corrects, petting Wen Yuan’s hair. “If they find us, we’re dead. I don’t care. Dying isn’t that scary. But A-Yuan is just a baby, and his mother stayed behind so I’d have a better chance of taking him to safety, so I have to repay her. Take him at least, Nie zongzhu.”

Nie Mingjue frowns, wondering briefly how that boy recognises him. He’s dressed as simply as a regular Nie disciple, never seeing the point of bothering with regalia when he’s just Night Hunting with a friend. Before he can ask though, Mo Xuanyu tears little Wen Yuan from where he’s clinging to him and pushes him into Lan Xichen’s arms. The toddler cries of course, and reaches out for the older boy.

“It’s fine, Lan gongzi is a good person,” Mo Xuanyu says, tenderly petting the child’s hair with a gesture that makes Nie Mingjue’s heart clench. “It’s okay. You can trust him. He’ll take care of you. And Nie zongzhu will help us as well.”

Nie Mingjue will help indeed.

He would have helped anyway, but he sees the way Mo Xuanyu is petting that little boy’s hair and it makes him nearly sick with a sorrow he thought he’d learned to control.

It also just makes him sick in general. Mo Xuanyu can’t be much older than seventeen. If he has met Nie Huaisang, then he must have been no more than twelve or thirteen when he was taken in Qishan. It’s frightfully young, even by Wen Chao’s standards. Or did that gesture get passed down among unlucky concubines, just as Nie Mingjue did for his brother what his mother did for him when he was young?

It should bring him comfort, that something of Nie Huaisang managed to survive, that he left a trace even after what happened.

“There, you’re going to be good now,” Mo Xuanyu tells Wen Yuan when the toddler calms down, unable to resist the combination of that caress and Lan Xichen’s aura. “Everything is going to be fine, you’re safe now, A-Yuan. I’m done fulfilling my part of the deal now.”

“The deal?” Nie Mingjue repeats.

“With… with his mother, and someone else,” Mo Xuanyu explains, distractedly touching his forearm. “One half of it was to take A-Yuan to safety. That was his mother’s price with helping.”

“And the other half?” 

The boy, Mo Xuanyu, smiles. 

Nie Mingjue shudders. 

"I killed Wen Chao," Mo Xuanyu announces, his eyes shining feverishly. “Slit his throat. He choked on his own blood, exactly as he deserved. It took him for ever and I watched the entire time,” he adds, his expression nearly blissful.

Nie Mingjue freezes. He feels, distantly, that Lan Xichen has grabbed his arm and is holding too tight. 

He remembers. 

They both do, no matter how badly they want to forget.

Nie Huaisang’s body, already starting to rot, scavenged by foxes, his throat slit so deep his head rolled when they tried to move him. He’d been gone for months, not a trace to be found until anonymous messages came to Qinghe, telling Nie Mingjue that Wen Chao had a new concubine, one who had arrived to Nightless City right as Nie Huaisang disappeared, one who nobody was allowed to see. The message had urged Nie Mingjue to act fast.

He hadn’t been fast enough.

Just as Lan Xichen and him were preparing to storm Nightless City to get Nie Huaisang back, they’d been told about that body near Caiyi Town.

Near the last place anyone had seen Nie Huaisang.

An accident, everyone said. A robbery gone wrong maybe, the fishermen who found the corpse said. There were bandits in the area and Nie Huaisang was never the strongest of cultivators.

A sure way to get rid of an inconvenient witness, some whispered. Wen Chao had picked the wrong person to steal away this time, and his father had dealt with the problem to protect his son.

Or perhaps it had been Wen Chao himself. One of his discarded concubines, who had managed to escape, said that one of them had tried to kill him, once, and got so near to it that he’d managed to leave a scar on Wen Chao. Nie Mingjue liked to imagine it had been his brother. Nie Huaisang wasn’t much of a cultivator, but he was a Nie, and he wouldn’t have gone without a fight… or so Nie Mingjue told himself.

He had to find comfort somewhere.

Right now, he finds that comfort in a tender gesture that Mo Xuanyu must have learned somewhere, and in the knowledge that his brother was avenged by a boy hardly older or stronger than Nie Huaisang was.

A boy who can’t be allowed to fall in Wen hands.

Death isn’t the worst thing that Wen Ruohan will do to him if he really murdered his favourite son.

“Can you fly on that sword?” Nie Mingjue asks.

Mo Xuanyu gives his blade an appraising look, and grimaces.

“Badly. Slowly. I don’t have a golden core. But I can do it, yes.”

“That won’t be enough. You’ll fly with me.”

It’s something Nie Mingjue normally avoids, because Baxia doesn’t like to deal with strangers. She’s usually angry when she’s made to carry anyone, except Nie Huaisang who she tolerated with the same sort of feigned reluctance that Nie Mingjue used to show toward his brother’s antics. 

Today she tolerates Mo Xuanyu with surprising ease as well. She must feel Nie Mingjue’s gratitude toward this nothing of a boy who did what they couldn’t do.

Wen Chao is dead, and Nie Mingjue will protect his murderer, the way he failed to protect his brother.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Untamed TAZ Balance AU? Don't have to write anything, just consider that (is Wen Ning Lucretia in this or is he too nice for that)

NHS IS LUCRETIA, NHS IS ABSOLUTELY LUCRETIA, I HAVE THOUGHTS, my girlfriend yelled at me for these thoughts.  Hell this got long, I’ve literally been saving it in my drafts until Tumblr fixed the Read More issue.

WWX is Taako, JC is Magnus, WQ is Merle, JYL is in the umbrella (became a lich to keep her brother from doing it), WN is the Red Robe (became a lich because he thought it seemed reasonable), NHS is Lucretia, XXC is Davenport, LWJ and LXC are mutually Kravitz (LXC sets his bro up with the death criminal wizard), Wen Zhuliu is John Vore, LSZ is Angus but also a baby Reaper

ONE

So Wei Wuxian isn’t really a wizard, is the thing.  Like, he does the wizard magic, and apparently he has strong Wizard Vibes because wherever he travels, people ask him if he can solve their magical bullshit problems, but he’s, like, barely a wizard.  He’s an inventor, technically, except that a few years back some stuff went explosively awry while he worked with this traveling show and–yeah.  So he’s working as a wizard because, hey, he can cast Magic Missile and he needs to eat and he’s an Evocation specialist, anyway, so it’s not like he’s out here making food from rocks.  He’s hired on with a couple other random jackasses, a fighter who took a dislike to Wei Wuxian right off the bat and a cleric with a bad temper and an itchy Sacred Flame finger, and they’re doing a job for some dwarf, or whatever.  The dwarf has a guy hired on as muscle, but he doesn’t look like much, all wide eyes and baby face.  He calls himself Qionglin, no last name, and stares at Wen Qing like he’s never seen a cleric before, and Jiang Cheng spends the entire trip to Phandolin messing with his whip, which is the stupidest weapon Wei Wuxian has ever seen.

Well, then everything immediately goes horribly wrong, though, and turns out that Jiang Cheng is pretty okay with that whip.  Qionglin (Wei Wuxian spoke to the man all of one time, but he was sweet, if a little awkward) gets himself kidnapped by a bunch of goblins, and their employer is gods-know-where with whatever a Black Spider is, and suddenly this very boring escort mission is a very not boring rescue mission.

There’s a skeleton in the cave.  Wei Wuxian takes an umbrella from it, and it crumbles into dust beneath its red robe.  There’s a very annoyed man with a sword who calls himself Song Lan and speaks in static, and he’s somehow not the weirdest part of this whole day.

Phandolin doesn’t survive its brush with the Zidian Gauntlet, and neither does Qionglin.  Wen Qing screams when he dies, and Wei Wuxian grabs her under the arms with Jiang Cheng and books it for the empty well in Song Lan’s wake, and they just hide.  

And then they go to the goddamn moon, apparently.

TWO

The goddamn moon is run by an older man with hair still a glossy black, toying with a beautifully painted white fan in his hand.  He calls himself the Director and–after some testing–hires them more or less on the spot.  Something flickers over his face when Wen Qing, bemused by her own upset, makes an offhand mention of a man named Qionglin who died when the Gauntlet brought down so much lightning that it turned Phandolin into black glass.  But it’s not Wei Wuxian’s problem, so he doesn’t worry himself over it too much.  He takes the payment offered to him by the Director’s aide, a blindfolded, stunningly handsome man in Bureau blue and white who rests his hand on his own chest and says “Xiao Xingchen” and not another word.

The Bureau is–weird.  They’ve got a giant jellyfish and a store run by–something Wei Wuxian Does Not Trust and a dorm.  Wei Wuxian laughs and kicks Jiang Cheng cheerfully in the ankle and says “Just like college, huh?” and Jiang Cheng gives him a dark look and snaps “I never went to college.”

“Yeah,” Wei Wuxian says, blinking.  “Me neither.”

Whatever.  They go on a train adventure and there’s a kid, a kid who blinks and stares at Wei Wuxian like he’s seen a goddamn ghost and immediately walks up to introduce himself as Lan Sizhui, boy detective.

Wei Wuxian fucking loves this kid.  He’s not sure why this wide-eyed fifteen-year-old latched onto him so hard, but he’s smart, funny, loyal, and extremely easy to pick on.  13/10 child rating, in Wei Wuxian’s book.

(Sizhui, for his part, more or less kicks down the door to his father’s offices in the Astral Plane the second the Reclaimers are gone and shouts “I HAVE A LEAD ON WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORLD.”)

(His father, Lan Wangji, the Grim Reaper, is very interested to hear all about it–especially when his son casually name-drops three of the biggest bounties that the Raven King, his adoptive elder brother, has ever sent him after, with the exception of that absolutely insufferably sweet-tempered lich Wen Ning.)

THREE

So…the Crystal Kingdom.

Is it Wei Wuxian’s finest hour, shouting obscure tentacle-related threats at the second crystal construct they’ve seen in the past twenty minutes?  No, probably not.  But it’s been a stressful day, they’re already down one Regulator and Song Lan is fuck-knows-where with Mianmian and, again, this is the second menacing crystal construct they’ve seen in twenty minutes.  Or maybe it’s the same one? 

Whatever, doesn’t matter.  They’re here to hunt down Meng Yao, a scientist who’s been dicking around with some seriously ill-advised necromancy and also the Philosopher’s Stone, and a crystal construct or two isn’t going to stop them.

Wei Wuxian actually physically cannot help himself, though, when the Reapers appear in the mirror, a matched set of beautiful men, and he grins broadly at the one glaring at him most viciously.  They get let go on a technicality, along with a conduit still containing Meng Shi’s memory of a vision beyond the cosmos, and Meng Yao leaves with his life and not much more.

Later, Lan Wangji is absolutely betrayed by the realization that his brother willfully set him up to be the primary go-between for the completely breathtaking deeply irritating wizard-by-way-of-death-criminal.  And that’s before the whole lich revelation.  (He does get a kiss, though, after he watches his brother pulled under by the Hunger.  That’s nice.  He hopes Wei Wuxian will mitigate the death crimes now that they’re dating.)

FOUR

The seven Relics are as follows:

The Zidian Gauntlet, which can generate a lightning blast so powerful that it can obliterate an entire city.  (Jiang Cheng–he watched the others try to lay in protections, try to make their Relics harmless, and he knew it wouldn’t work.  All the Gauntlet does is damage.  It can melt a city down to black glass, but it can’t be twisted, it can’t be made into any more of a nightmare than it already is.  He’s a fighter.  He knows all about damage, knew all about what he was making.  That doesn’t mean it didn’t kill him by inches to watch it leave a path of destruction–so much that his beloved jiejie tried to seal it away.)

The Oculus, which can make any construct real.  (Xiao Xingchen–Nie Huaisang didn’t take everything.  He doesn’t remember the mission, or his own past.  Something strange got confused in the process, and he lost most of his speech.  But he remembers how to fight, handles his sword as cleanly and effectively as ever, and he remembers that he doesn’t think much of Nie Huaisang’s combat skills.  Or maybe it’s just really obvious that Nie Huaisang isn’t much of a fighter.  Regardless, Xiao Xingchen insisted on accompanying him, before–before.  Then they went into the Felicity Wilds, and…Xue Yang is honestly delighted.  He’s never managed to ruin someone so badly on the way into Wonderland before.  It’s just a shame that Nie Huaisang sent Xiao Xingchen away before they reached the doors.)

The Healer’s Sash, which can manipulate natural forces like the wind, the tides, and tectonic plates just as easily as it can manipulate a heartbeat or a pair of lungs.  (Wen Qing–she prays to Pelor, the Dawnfather, the healer and Lord of Light, but she’s long since lost her faith in him as anything but a contracted boss.  It’s a shock to everyone including her when she’s granted a right arm made of glass and magic after losing it.  She was so determined to make a Relic that could be used for good, but–well.  She supposes she should have known better.)

The Philosopher’s Stone, which can more or less transform anything into anything.  (Jiang Yanli–she’s a Transmutation wizard, she’s been feeding the crew of the Starblaster for a hundred years on whatever she can pull together.  If the right person found the Stone, it would have ended world hunger.  The wrong person found the stone.  Jiang Yanli tried her damnedest to hunt it down, but she found the Gauntlet first, and, well–she already became a lich to stop one younger brother from doing it.  It’s not a struggle to decide that she’s going to take responsibility for saving Jiang Cheng from his own guilt.  Then things go horribly wrong, and she spends the next twelve years in an umbrella.)

The Temporal Chalice, which offers complete control over time.  (Wen Ning–he was a strict scholar until his sister was contacted about the IPRE’s creation, but he always did want to travel, and his theories about bonds were too good for Xiao Xingchen to pass up having on his crew.  Everything he’s done since they lost their home system has been about trying not to leave his family, about trying for second chances, he became a lich for them, he’s done everything to stay with them, of course his Relic is a second chance generator.)

The Animus Flute, which offers control over the spirits of the dead and, in the hands of a sufficiently competent expert, the living.  (Wei Wuxian–he’s watched his brother, his sister, his friends, die so many times.  He’s terrified of immortality, but he’s most terrified of being alone.  He meant to make something that could keep the dead present, so that they would never have to fear being left behind again.  Watching it rip Jiang Cheng’s soul clean out of his body in Xue Yang’s hands is the worst thing Wei Wuxian can remember, even after everything is over.)

The Bulwark, which Nie Huaisang never did explain to anyone, but took the shape of a hand-painted fan.  (Nie Huaisang lost the only person who mattered to him when the Hunger ate their home, and then as he slowly, painstakingly, rebuilt something like a family, he had to watch them suffer and die for a hundred years.  And then he watched them win, and grieve like dying all over again for the winning.  He’s sorry they suffered for his actions.  He’s not sorry for what he did.)

FIVE

Wen Zhuliu didn’t mean to make his whole plane give up.  But he had spent his whole life being used, and it all just seemed so pointless.  It all just seemed so pointless.  There was always someone stronger, always something bigger, always a rule he couldn’t break, always something, and he started talking, started telling people as much, and--

Wen Qing is about the farthest thing in the fucking world from a peacemaker by nature, if you ask her, but she’s a healer first, last, and most of all.  And, she thinks as she watches the sun sink with a very tired man crumbling away at her side, she might be the only person in the worlds who ever noticed that Wen Zhuliu needed a healer.

(They aren’t from the same plane, but--some of the others have found distant family, on their new home.  It’s an unanswerable question, if they might have been family, a few dimensions removed.  Wen Ning still thinks about it.)

[vyther16]

Me, to the discord I’m in: Question of the day! Pick a character that isn't your absolute favorite, but is one you like. Now pretend you're that character's biggest fan. Why is this character the best character in the whole drama? 

read on ao3 here

Anyway, I went with Gao Chong. He's out here trying his best, and he doesn't deserve any of this. I'm going to admit here that I did not care one lick for Gao Chong on my first watch through. He reminded me of Nie Mingjue, only with less depth. (I think it was the mustache, ngl). I have since revised my opinion of him (obviously). (I would like to state that I like Nie Mingjue, btw).

Gao Chong is, I think, one of the most wronged characters in the show, up there with Wen Kexing's parents, Long-bobo, and the Four Sages of Anji. (And Deng Kuan, but that essay is for another day). In this essay, I will…

(essay under the cut) cw for suicide and death

He is, as I stated previously, trying his best, but, given the circumstances, his best isn't good enough. It's not his fault he doesn't expect treachery from his brothers. (Hey, guess who else didn't expect treachery from his brothers. I am not explicitly drawing parallels between Rong Xuan and Gao Chong, but know that I see them and know that they exist.) 

Oh wait, it was the same brother both times. I'm sensing a theme here. 

Okay, back to Gao Chong. A few days ago, I came to the realization/conclusion/whatever that Gao Chong was expecting something to go wrong at the Heroes Conference, and that was why he arranged the Xiaolian/Chengling marriage. I stand by that. He had to balance his obligations to his daughter with his obligations to his brotherhood with his obligations to his sect with his obligations to the Five Lakes Alliance with his obligations to the entire jianghu. He was trying so hard. He was going to reveal the glazed armor to the world, and he knew that had a (rather high) chance of going sour, so he ensured three of his obligations would be taken care of if something happened to him: His daughter would be safe married to his nephew, thus fulfilling his oath to his dead brother, and protecting his daughter post his death. And, if I’m remembering right, he announced Chengling to be the next sect leader (I think lol), so that is his obligation to his sect. And then the Beggar Sects & the ghosts show up early to the Heroes Conference and everything goes to hell in a handbasket. 

And, continuing on the "Gao Chong knew the glazed armor reveal could go to crap" train, he also gave Mo Huaizhang the real glazed armor. A terrible decision, really, though how would Gao Chong know that? As far as Gao Chong (and the rest of the world knows), Mo Huaizhang is an upstanding dude, if a bit stiff in his beliefs. Why shouldn't Gao Chong entrust the real glazed armor to him? So he dies knowing that the glazed armor is safe (theoretically, but as far as GC knows, it is.) Something that was pointed out in a fic I read today, is that, of the three living Five Bros at the Heroes conference, only Zhao Jing is not slandered, which, rip me, I did not notice, but that makes it all the more obvious in retrospect who is really pulling the strings, but doing in such a subtle way that, A) the audience only notices if they're super observant (unlike me lol), and B) the characters don't realize it until after. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Gao Chong only gives up after he realizes someone on the inside is trying to bring him down (and he still tries for a while after that is revealed), but I'm still not sure he realizes that the person trying to bring him down is Zhao Jing, his beloved er-di and certified useless rich guy (cough Nie Huisang cough). Anyway, I'd have to rewatch the death scene to be certain, but I don't think he ever figures out it was Zhao Jing taking him down. 

Also, full circling back up to my whole thing about his Obligations. He dies thinking he's failed almost all of them. The Jianghu has turned on him, so he's failed the jianghu despite his best efforts. He has failed Shen Shen, in that he failed to live up to his image as a perfect Da-ge, thus failing his obligations to brotherhood. He has failed his obligations to his sect (Deng Kuan TT), he fails his daughter and Chengling by dying, and he fails his obligations to the Five Lakes Alliance by "destroying" the glazed armor, even if he doesn't really destroy it. So he dies having failed everything he has obligations to, and he dies to prove that he didn't want to fail them.

He kills himself to prove that he isn’t evil, and even that doesn’t work to sate the mob. The Beggar Sect guy (Huang He?) tells Xiaolian that her father’s corpse was unrecognizable after the angry mob was through with it. (Sidenote, who rescued the unconscious Shen Shen after this and protected him from the angry mob?)

So anyway, I’d like to reiterate that Gao Chong is one of the most wronged characters in the show, and call it a wrap before I start repeating myself too much :)

[wangxiandecoded]

Episode 5

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(Spoilers for the whole show ahead!)

Episode 5 is chock full of moments and fun romantic tropes that make it hard to believe this show passed the censorship. 

Wei Ying has already taken Lan Zhan as his soulmate of many lifetimes and started confiding secrets in him. He gets dragged away to copy all the rules he broke but it’s ok Wei Ying, Lan Zhan has to notice the undeniable chemistry you share at some point.  

The Yiling Patriarch Invented Gay Pining 

The sheer amount of pining in this scene.. How did he not burn a hole through the library?

Guy takes a break from admiring the beauty of his crush, starts admiring his calligraphy instead.

The Many Names Wei Ying Calls Him

Calling your beloved by his every name to get his attention. Success! He responds to the name with intimate connotations. But oh no! He actually looked at you! What do you do now? Head empty. Quick! Ask him why he’s ignoring you and subtly remind him that he has the right to express his anger by using your formal name for completely logical reasons. 

I understand Wei Ying's feelings, it must be maddening to meet the love of your life and want to skip to the domestic stages of romance, when he still considers you an unruly stranger who has no business with him.

Can we take a second to appreciate what a pure soul Wei Ying is for wanting to constantly do better and learn what he did for Lan Zhan to hate him so much? He apologizes not once but repeatedly for breaking the rules and assures Lan Zhan he would never attack him with the intention to harm. (Wei Ying sweetie, you did nothing wrong, he just isn't ready to admit you're melting his heart.) 

All he wants is your attention. Just spare him some him, Lan Zhan! I have no clue how someone can say no to Wei Ying when he’s being this cute. Lan Zhan’s self-restraint must really be something else.

This line and Wei Ying's gay ass smile is so damning. I do not know how some Chinese censor officials did not have conniptions over this.. were they too blinded by heteronormativity, perhaps? Even Lan Zhan has had enough and charms him into silence.

Looking At Him When He’s Not Looking

Looking at your bro when you think he isn't aware you're looking at him, but he's actually painting a portrait of you when you aren't looking at him. I’m done with these idiots.

Wei Ying's heartfelt apology is obvious to us but Lan Zhan's definition of sincerity is abiding by the rules, which Wei Ying gives into for him, with a lot of effort. If that’s not love, what is? 

More pining. Wei Ying makes one last attempt at wooing Lan Zhan for the day by giving him a parting gift. (For what exactly? Monitoring him while he carried out his punishment? Love is so irrational, y’all.)

The last touch he gives to Lan Zhan's portrait is adding a flower to his forehead ribbon. This is how Wei Ying really sees Lan Zhan - not as the intimidating Lan Wangji from Gusu Lan clan, but the guy he finds cute when he's lost in concentration. It pains me to see Wei Ying do so much to win his heart.

Lan Zhan Thinks Everything Wei Ying Does Is “Boring”

Wei Ying asks him to say something other than “boring” for a change and this is his reply. What makes their relationship so captivating is their contrasting personalities. Every time Lan Zhan thinks Wei Ying is being ridiculous and goes, “Boring,” I think he actually finds Wei Ying kind of amazing and that’s annoying because it is nothing but a hindrance to the way of life expected from him. It is boring and ridiculous to Lan Zhan that he is starting to get used to Wei Ying’s presence in his life. It is boring that he’s beginning to notice and personally care for a single person instead of the world. It is boring how someone is breaking the seamless silence Lan Zhan has spent most his life wrapped up in and suddenly making it overflow with words - words he does not vocalize but Wei Ying hears anyway. That’s what finding the right person feels like, after all. So it is boring that Wei Ying, with his stupid grin, is so close to coming into his life, throwing out the worldly matters Lan Zhan is supposed to be devoted to and asking him, “Lan Zhan, isn’t it funny that I’m your worldly matter now?” 

I guess Wei Ying does get his wish in the end. Lan Zhan erupts and calls him "Wei Ying" for the first time ever because he made him open an erotic book, more specifically one that features explicit gay art. The production team is so slick, I felt giddy the first time I saw this. But still, I don’t think Lan Zhan was being fair, I’m sure he broke a rule that said it’s a great offense to reject someone’s gift. 

Lan Zhan strikes me as a closeted baby gay raised on ascetic principles, and Wei Ying’s confident chaotic bi energy is predictably sending his poor world for a toss. No wonder he was ready to duel it out with him. What are the implications of this, Wei Ying? You showed a Lan clan member gay erotic art and assured him there is absolutely nothing wrong in enjoying it. Do you want to kill him? 

And remember Wei Ying got this book from Nie Huaisang who has also been queer-coded. After a point, you lose sight of how many characters seem hella gay on this show.

Nonetheless, it is impressive that there is someone who can make the disciplined, detached Hanguang-Jun lose his calm and even get him to swear. Of course it ends up being something for Wei Ying to brag about later. It is indeed an accomplishment that few people can claim as their own.

Can We Buy An Island For Our President Zewu Jun?

Zewu Jun is not even being subtle here. Why is he smiling? Seriously, why?! The fact that his brother called this guy by his formal name which can be used only by people you're close to? The fact that he followed Wei Ying to the secluded part of the Cloud Recesses? Or because he was unable to find the real person since he's fixated on Wei Ying? Knowing our President, it's probably all of the above.

The show's clever usage of Zewu Jun as the emotional compass who points precisely to what Lan Zhan feels is definitely one of my favorite things. We see that Lan Zhan often says one thing about Wei Ying but means another and Zewu Jun is the stand-in for the audience who knows the truth.

We can see the contrast of a speechless Lan Zhan when Zewu Jun confronts him about wanting Wei Ying's company versus the facade he puts on when actually in Wei Ying's company. That's it for today's analysis, folks.

The Aqua Demon Hunt Is The First Testament To Their Chemistry

Wangxian end up sharing a room. (Do we have the President to thank for that?) Lan Zhan being all "Time for me to go meditate in solitude" and Wei Ying being ".... about how we belong together!"

Rewatching these scenes is definitely bad for my heart. The unconcealed disappointment on Wei Ying's face when Lan Zhan turns down his bet to prove their like-mindedness really sends. (Is this the ancient equivalent of a love calculator, Wei Ying? How did the Yiling Patriarch never invent a device like that, I wonder.)

Lan Zhan, did he really deserve this? He just wants to show you what an incredible, unmatchable team you both will make! And he is so good at reading your mind.

Just smiling at the fact that your bro exists for no apparent reason in middle of a hunt. Wei Ying sure has his priorities straight, even if nothing else in his life is.

Wangxian Are The Dream Team

Wei Ying distracting the water ghost and saving Lan Zhan at the same time so effortlessly? A stroke of admirable genius! I probably need to start a separate post to keep track of all the times Wangxian's teamwork puts everyone else to shame. Notice how every time Lan Zhan said "boring" in this episode, it was directed only at Wei Ying’s romantic gestures. 

It's that little shoulder bump that screams "I'm sorry I splashed water at you, I did out of my love for you, okay?"

I'm sorry Wei Ying, he just needs more time to process the fact that you are the unrivalled candidate for a cultivation partner he has ever come across. And if you ever get confused why Zewu Jun is mysteriously smiling at various points in the show, it's probably a "My brother is falling in love, good for him, good for him" smile.

Wei Ying’s little head tilt after they both defeat the water ghost that came for their boat that says, “See? We belong together.” 

When Lan Zhan learns why Suibian is called so and thinks, "My crush is a fucking idiot, love that for me.“ 

Wei Ying always understands what Lan Zhan is thinking or wants to say without him having said a word. Soulmates.

Thank you water ghosts for ensuring they both end up on the same boat and giving them the chance to display their spectacular synchronization. Maybe it’ll help Lan Zhan wake up.

I rejoice every time there is a juxtaposition of Wangxian with the straight couples because it proves our main characters are travelling the same romantic arc the others are.

Saving Him For The First Time

Lan Zhan rescues Wei Ying in the nick of time! Sure, that’s the Right Thing to do but do you see his expression? That’s unbridled shock that Wei Ying is going to die. And the matter of utmost importance to Wei Ying in this life-or-death situation is the fact that Lan Zhan isn't holding his hand after the "intimate" experiences they’ve shared. I cannot.

Ok Lan Zhan.. You don't touch people.. Let’s see who the exception is. But honestly we get it, just swooping in to save him was a lot to handle, holding his hand would have been a gay apocalypse on your heart.

Wei Ying Is Growing On Lan Zhan

Lan Zhan finally admits Wei Ying could be right, because annoying as he is, his deductions are brilliant. 

We learn Lan Zhan is secretly craving loqauts but throws it back when Wei Ying gives him one. Zewu Jun offers to buy loquats for Lan Zhan, again hinting at his repressed feelings for Wei Ying. 

When we hear a vendor selling Emperor's Smile, do we see Lan Zhan's anti-Wei Ying persona begin to crack or am I seeing things? 

The episode ends with someone (Wei Ying) taking two bottles of Emperor's Smile and paying for it. Whatever happens, Wei Ying is going to sneak his misconduct into the Cloud Recesses and his way into Lan Zhan’s unfaltering heart.

All in all, this was an episode that opened the possibility of Lan Zhan maybe starting to accept that Wei Ying is a nuisance he likes having around. At the very least, he wants to live in a world where Wei Ying is alive and being his unbelievable self. He’s a man of few words and many micro expressions so that’s why it’s so golden on the rare occasions he does slip up and show that he cares about Wei Ying, like saving him in this episode. His actions speak louder than his words, and they ring louder still as show progresses and he becomes the main line of defense between Wei Ying and anyone who so much as thinks about harming him.

Episode 5 drives it home that Wangxian have chemistry that is to be envied and worth investing in. We get the sense that these two are going to be together for a long ass time.

[if-found-return-to-gusu]

We’re Back and it’s Time for a STORY

Sooooooooooooo…..

I’ve been a bit uh… let’s say absent lately. Haha. 

I hope you’ve been enjoying the queue and not missing my rapier wit too much. 

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

To all my rabid (3?) fans, I say…. 

My bad. :D

I haven’t forgotten you, my beautiful followers. And I haven’t cast this blog away by any means. I may have gotten hitched in a scandalous runaway marriage with the love of my life but I will still have time for you! I promise!

I’ve just been… Busy. 

With… stuff…

I’d tell you with what stuff….

But I’m not gonna. 

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

BUT I decided it was high past time for me to take a moment out of my busy schedule to give y’all a little update. 

Besides Lan Zhan decided that since I’m actually home tonight that it was pampering time.

Man sat me down in front of him and is rubbing my shoulders as we speak so if I seem a little nadfj;kjfl;sjf at points blame him.

Anyway

Lan Zhan I know you can read this with your eagle vision.

On to the gossip.

Lan Zhan, I know your family said gossip isn’t allowed but we’re in this family now and Imma gossip. No matter how much you huff through your nose at me.

So Lan Zhan (yes you) gave me a little bit of a heart attack with his last update. But only for like 5 seconds.

-ahem-

NGL for a second I thought HE thought that I was being unfaithful. Nearly died.

Anyway. >w>

Fortunately while I refused to read past even with my heart attack because I will never break the bonds of Peru, Nie Huaisang who was next to me has no qualms in doing so. I wouldn’t let him tell me what Lan Zhan said but he did reassure me that my fears were for naught. Lan Zhan wasn’t upset about me cheating on him because he trusts me and loves me and knows I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever  (continue indefinitely) break that trust.

…..

Okay sorry.

Oh yeah. 

Thanks Lan Zhan. I probably woulda got stuck on that loop for a while. But anyway yes. I love you, Lan Zhan, and you love me and we’re happy and there’s no way I’ll ever cheat on you and I know you’d never cheat on me!

I never even felt real attraction before I met you, did I ever tell you that? You were the first person I ever wanted. <3 

Oh… Oh yeah. I did say that. Lol I forgot. :D

Is it bad if I forget what I say in therapy? 

Guess I should ask my therapist :D :D :D

Anyway…. Tangent…. Um…

OH yeah heart attack.

Eventually Lan Zhan did let me read the Peru. Lan Zhan is there a point to the Peru if you just wait for me to get home and shove the lap top in my face and tell me to read it the same day you sent the Peru????

(Yes. I know there is a point. But like you can tell me anything. You don’t have to write it down first if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to ever feel afraid to talk to me. <3 ) 

Okay fine fine. Organize your thoughts first. I get it I get it. 

I guess that’s kinda what I’m doing here too. 

Oooooohhhhh you know what that spot does to me! Not now Lan Zhan I’m busy!!!!

Okay Okay so we talked afterwards. About what he wrote. About how it wasn’t me but Nie Huaisang who felt the bitter wrathful sting of his wild unrestrained jealousy. 

EEK Sorry! I’m kidding! Kidding!

…. Mostly

But you were! You were jealous that I was spending time with him or rather him with me and not you! You said so!

Okay fine! Lonely. 

LONELY BECAUSE YOU WERE JEALLASDF09ADSF 

Okay fine fine! I’ll stop! If only for the sake of THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE ONCE IT’S TYPED UP BECAUSE IT’S HALF OF A CONVERSATION AND THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I’M NOT TYPING WHAT YOU SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

YES I KNOW IT’S MY FAULT

Okay 

OKAY!!!! 

SO 

Easy solution.

Lan Zhan and Nie Huaisang have a buddy date! 

That I was dragged along to.

And by that

You know what you did don’t deny it!

I mean I was trying to back off to let them spend time together because I thought that’s what they wanted. I figured they would want to see each other one on one like SangSang and I were doing.

So I caved in like .2 seconds. Because of course I did. And honestly I wanted to go. I was planning on spending the night alone with Suibian waiting for my husband to come home in a sort of lonely penitence for my sins. I’ve been leaving Lan Zhan alone so much lately.

(He kissed my forehead <3 <3 <3 <3 )

Lan Zhan, I promise this won’t keep happening. It’s just… really important okay? I promise.

;asldkjfsa;lkjf

I love you too, Lan Zhan!!!!! Lan Er-Gege! <3 

Eep! 

Okay! I’ll keep writing so stop trying to distract me or this’ll never get done!

;aldkjsf;j

;alksdjf;lkasdjf

You can do whatever you like the moment this is posted I promise.

Ahem.

Jiang Cheng hope you’re still reading. >:D

Where was I… Oh yeah!  Thanks Lan Zhan. 

So we had a buddy date all together! 

It wasn’t much but we all went over to Nie Huaisang’s house. Apparently DaGe was over at the de--- My beloved brother in law’s house on a date of their own so we had the place to ourselves. 

OMG They should get hitched and then we’ll be brothers for REAL. OMg!

So I wanna say that… well in the past few months Nie Huaisang and I have really patched things up. I’m really happy he’s a part of our lives and I do not revoke the previously instated “family” status.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

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We. willtalkaboutthatlater 

Ahem

Okay. 

But anyway, Nie Huaisang and I have talked. A lot. About all the things I said and the things he did and the things I did. We’ve come to an understanding. And well…

He forgave me. 

I’m not sure I deserved it. I was really terrible to him. For a long time after the RE wore off. 

I’d talked in therapy about it. I’m slowly learning that I’m maybe not to blame for all that’s wrong in the world but once I started to stop blaming myself I still had this need to blame… someone. 

And I blamed the wrong person. 

I mean I’m not saying that what I said didn’t have any truth with it. And we talked about that too. I had some points. But he did NOT deserve me going off like that. Not even a little. 

But he started flicking my forehead every time I say sorry about it so I’m stopping

(SangSang did you take lessons from Wen Qing? Because fuck those snaps feel familiar) 

Oh dear goodness. I forgot how disjointed these posts always are. Still following along? Yes? Good!

Okay back to the story.

Meeting at Nie Huaisang’s place for super fun hangout bros night for bros. (except Lan Zhan and I aren’t bros.)

Yes yes you’re right Lan Zhan we didn’t make SangSang a third wheel. Mostly because it was his house and hanging with him was the point but also because very time we started “being gross” he started whining.

And then I’d kick him and tell him that he wanted us to get together so badly before and now he gets to deal with the consequences. 

And then we would be more gross just to spite him.

Okay maybe we third-wheeled him a little BUT IT WAS WITH PURPOSE. 

I can’t help it Lan Zhan! Every time you kiss me I forget what I’m doing!

………………………..

Wait…. What was I… LAN ZHAN YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!!!

A;LDKJFA;DLSKF

…………….

I can feel you smirking but I’m not gonna look

Because if I look I’m gonna kiss you again and as I’ve said MORE THAN ONCE THIS NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN AND IT AIN’T GONNA WRITE ITSELF 

A;lkdsjfla;ksdjf;lsdakjfl;skdajfl;aj;lfkdjsa;lkfj THAT’S A;LKJA;FLAKDJF LAN ZHAN I TOLD YOU LATER

YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD OR I’M NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING! I’LL GO STRAIGHT TO BED AND YOU’LL BE LEFT WANTING 

………….

I’LL GO BI BI BI TO BED BED BED AND YOU WON’T BE ALLOWED IN IN IN.

Fuck and I spent all that time thinking /I/ was the goblin in this relationship. 

DO NOT GET INTO A SEMANTICS BATTLE WITH ME IT WILL NEVER END

…………………………….

-ahem-

To which I maintain Nie Huaisang doesn’t count as people. 

We arrived at Nie Huaisang’s house at the appointed time on the appointed day. Many nights were left behind in anticipation of this grand reunion.

(I mean that in the best sense.)

Anyway I rang the doorbell because Lan Zhan’s arms were full of snacks and wine. And we sat there and waited. 

I think I thought it was gonna rain and was just thinking that we should have gotten an umbrella, though of course if there was any risk of rain my ever on top of his shit husband would have brought one so we were good, when the door opened to reveal Lord Goblin SangSang in all his lounge pants glory. 

I didn’t know that sweats came in designer. 

Nie Huaisang told me that they were a gift from Jin ZiXuan for a birthday or something and defensively states that they’re just “Super comfy okay???” but I know he likes the glam. 

SangSang you know you’re a dramatic bitch don’t deny it. 

Anyway. We were waved inside rather quickly because while the sweats were designer, they were still sweats and he would rather die than be caught dead by someone other than his “chosen few” in something like sweats. 

As I said

Dramatic bitch. 

We were ushered away to the other side of the manor where the home theater was. You remember the one? From Christmas? Where I almost avoided all the damn PROBLEMS by kissing Lan Zhan right then and there? 

Except

CHILDRENNNN who I love dearly interrupted us.

Oh.. and that was the night I kept having FEELINGS about Lan Zhan and kids and just… aldsf;sjlfkj

Lan Zhan we need to have that conversation again. 

A;dslkjfsal;dfj

Yes? Yes. Okay

BUT THAT’S NOT THIS STORY! Anyway, that home theater. 

Ah Memories. 

Ignorance is bliss and I want to maintain my innocence. 

Anyway. So like there’s lots of space in that room that isn’t just chairs and screen because it’s an entertaining space.

BUT so long as it’s been thoroughly disinfected it’s still a great place to hang! :D

Nie Huaisang had set up the place with nice lights and a table for snacks and all that good stuff. We deposited the snacks that Lan Zhan was holding and I promptly filled the now vacant space with the me. :D And then looked at the goodies.

So Nie Huaisang is either really thoughtful or a  little shitstain. Because apparently he had read about our New Years experiments with alcohol and had gotten a bunch of light alcohol and mixers and stuff so that Lan Zhan could drink with us!

BUT he also made a point of telling Lan Zhan that he doesn’t need to feel pressured to drink. They’re there so he CAN not so he has to. 

Lan Zhan looked really touched at that and I felt so warm.

I love my family. 

So we decided to pick out some snacks and drinks (starting with non-alcoholic first because we’re adults or some shit) and sat down. 

Now one would naturally think, home theater. Snacks. Comfy chairs. We’re watching a movie, right? 

WRONG

GIANT MARIO KART. 

Nie Huaisang just dumped controllers on our laps and told us to strap in. 

Have I ever mentioned

How

Fucking

Adorable

Lan

Zhan’s

Face

Is 

When

He’s

Confused????

BECAUSEHE’SSOFUCKINGADORABLE

Don’t you hide from me!!

Hold on I gotta kiss my husband a million times. One moment please.

Okay. That’s better. <3 

=w= ahhhh

Where was I…. 

YOU CAN’T DISTRACT ME BECAUSE I CAN READ AND I KNOW WHERE I WAS NOW BECAUSE I READ IT SO YOU CANNOT FIGHT THE FACT THAT YOU’RE FUCKING ADORABLE. 

I win. :D

So my adorable husband blinked his adorable eyes in an adorable way in adorable confusion at the… moderately-adorable-when-he-wants-to-be Nie Huaisang. 

Who just grinned at us and pressed a magic button on his magic remote to make the magic things happen. The lights dimmed enough that we could still see but the screen was brighter too…

Does that make sense? I don’t care.

The lights were half dimmed. And the screen lit up

And suddenly we were playing a game.  

This time at least you didn’t go around trying to obey the non-existent road laws. 

And okay. So Like I think we played that on new years too, right? Yeah.

You can’t stop at stoplights that aren’t there Lan Zhan. I don’t care if the intersection would be dangerous without it. 

Well how do I put this politely….

Y’all know how I always gush about how Lan Zhan is perfect and can do no wrong? And ask quite frequently “Is there nothing this man can’t do???”

So First I hold to my first statement. Lan Zhan is perfect and can do no wrong. 

That. Being. Said.

The man sucks at Mario Kart. 

Okay I said it. It’s out there. No take backs.

I’m sorry, Lan Zhan. I love you and you’re perfect but oh my god. 

Nie Huaisang ordered some like pizza and wings and shit and we decided to crack open the wine. 

But seriously it was so much fun. We played for.. Oh fuck it must have been hours.

Oh yeah! That’s why we didn’t at first. We were cooling it down right? Yeah because the stuff we brought was warm….

Wait no but Nie Huaisang’s wasn’t warm… WHATEVER we started drinking with the pizza.

Oh oh speaking of the pizza, Lan Zhan was that the first time you ate really shitty store bought pizza? Because you looked at it like it was the scum of the earth. 

You didn’t have to force yourself to eat it. D: Did you hate the whole of it? You didn’t like it even a little? D: 

D: D: D: D:

THE POINT WASN’T TO FORCE YOU TO EAT FOOD YOU HATED D; D; D; D; 

OTL

Okay you didn’t HATE it but that doesn’t mean you liked it. D: You really don’t have to push yourself. I mean we could have ordered something else for you or gotten more snacks or something.

…. Myuh okay fine. D: But next time if you don’t wanna eat something don’t, okay? It’s not wasteful. Leftovers are allowed. 

Okay well we can talk about that later more if we have to 

Pizza reheates just fine.

For now 

ON WITH THE STORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAKSDJF;ASLDJFK;SAKJFD;ALKJD F;KJDON’T POKE ME THERERERERERE

oKAY

Ahem. 

So long story short we started drinking and eating shitty food while playing Mario Kart. And so okay.

There’s a point to this. 

So Lan Zhan as I stated before is… not the greatest at the game. :D

BUT turns out neither are SangSang and I. 

Especially after knocking back a few. 

So when Lan Zhan gets drunk, not only is he the cutest thing in the world, but he starts following imaginary traffic laws as I said before. 

Now the thing IS 

That when SangSang and I have had a few too many

We are much more likely to go the… entirely wrong way on the track. 

And fall off. 

And I think at one point we just kept playing bumper cars.

My point is, that Lan Zhan is following these traffic laws right? Like the Toad patrol is gonna like arrest him or something if he doesn’t.  But this works to his advantage once we start getting stupid because he’s careful! So he doesn’t fall off! So he just chugs along. 

And at one point finally he managed to come in 2nd by beating Huaisang. 

So Nie Huaisang starts throwing a tantrum to the point that I almost missed it. 

But I didn’t.

I heard you Lan Zhan.

With this self-satisfied expression on his smug, adorable face. Flushed from the liquor and high off a fresh mostly win. 

“Fuck yeah.”

Oh my god. It was so quiet! But 

Lan Zhan

That was the funniest shit. 

Seriously he just said it under his breath. So smug and pleased to hell with himself 

“Fuck yeah.” 

Oh I coulda kissed him.

…. Well I did

A lot actually

We made a bit of a mess because I knocked something over to do it. 

But like how could I resist? Lan Zhan says something like that and he’s so precious and cute and “fuck yeah” how could I not throw myself at him?

I think Nie Huaisang had to actually pry me off of him before things got a bit more… ‘entertaining’ in the entertainment room. 

Sorrrryyyyyyyyy

:D :D :D

Ahem

Lan Zhan we should get our own theater room. ;w; 

Anyway

So We were punished by having to sit on either side of Nie Huaisang for a while until we could learn to ‘keep our hands to ourselves’. 

In the end we calmed down enough to cuddle without a chaperone.

WE’RE MARRIED YOU CAN’T KEEP US APART

;alskdjf

Anwyay

We played a bit more and drank a bit more and then started to watch a movie. 

Nie Huaisang brought in some pillows and blankets because the chairs like apparently convert into a futon? Like they can be chairs, a couch, a futon. Like ?????

It was nice though. 

It was really nice though because we all ended up falling asleep together in a cuddle pile. It was so comfy! It reminded me a bit of living with the Wens. We would end up cuddled a lot the whole family. Partially because there wasn’t much room and sometimes because the furnace would go out so we needed to be warm.

And so was this. Nie Huaisang and I both ended up snuggled to Lan Zhan. I was going to ask him if he was okay with it - I know he’s picky about being touched- but I could see when I looked how happy he was. He must have felt as cozy as me.

I noticed lately that he’s been more… receptive to touch. Especially with Lan Xichen. 

Lan Zhan, I’m glad you’re opening up more. I don’t want you to push yourself if it makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay to prefer not to touch others. But if it’s something you want I’ll support you. <3

I remember being very confused when I woke up but I think it’s because my favorite body pillow got replaced by Nie Huaisang who is all elbows. 

Oof.

Also, SangSang, no offense but omg you are a hot mess in the morning. How long does it take you to make yourself presentable every day? I mean respect. Y’all know I just accept the goblin look and hope for the best but you go from that to that every DAY? Fuck. 

Now I didn’t have to look around long to find my husband. 

Mmmmm……. 

Have I ever told you how fucking amazing he is?

Oh oh likely story mister. You accidentally timed THAT pose for when I was looking? Uh-huh. Sure. You’ve got 45 different pose options in your regular routine and you just HAPPEN to choose that one RIGHT then huh?

Yeah you know the one Lan Zhan. Did you do that on purpose because you noticed me waking up?

Uh-huh that’s what I thought.

I’m on to you mister.

;alksjdf;alsdkjfas;jf

You can’t distract me with more kisses!!!

Noooooo

I’m almost done!

At least let me finish the Huaisang story!!

Asdkfj;asdjf;kalsjf

Oh. MY. GOD!!!! LAN ZHAAAAAAAAN

Okay I”m wrapping this up because my husband is about to---

A;kdfj;asdjf

Okay

So anyway we woke up and had breakfast and went home and then it was my turn to be pressed against a wall and it was all a very nice time with Nie Huaisang and then later with just the two of us because Nie Huaisang had NO PART in that wall adventure after we got home and honestly Lan Zhan I can see why you like it so much when I do that because mmmmph 

Okay thanks for tuning in I’m gonna go fuck my husband now bye.

[razberryyum]

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The Untamed/陈情令 Rewatch, Episode 12

(spoilers for everything MDZS/Untamed)

[covers MDZS chapters 51 and 52]

WangXian meter: 🐰+🐰+🐰🐰+ 🐰🐰🐰🐰+ 🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰+🐰🐰🐰

There is so much to love about this scene, least of which is Wei Ying being in peak cuteness mode as he physically prepared himself to recite the Wen sect rules, only to immediately switch to troll mode by reciting the Gusu Lan sect rules instead. No matter how many times I’ve watched this scene, I laugh out loud and love it every time. Even though Lan Zhan was as stoic as ever, he had to be just a little proud of Wei Ying for the stunt he pulled. All that time spent at Cloud Recesses copying the rules obviously paid off in more ways than one. I also thought it was adorable how Nie Huaisang was the first person to recognize the Gusu Lan rules: if Big Bro Nie Mingjue was around, I’m sure he would’ve been a teeny bit proud of the fact that his little brother was able to retain all that arguably useful information he learned at Cloud Recesses. I say arguably because, let’s be honest, those visiting sect students probably broke like 90% of those rules as soon as they left the grounds of Cloud Recesses since they really don’t apply to their own sect’s way of living, so really, how useful ARE those 3000+ rules in ones’ life? I’m not even entirely convinced they actually help strengthen one’s moral fortitude since if someone was an immoral person to begin with, vacationing at Cloud Recesses for a few months and being forced to memorize a bunch of stuffy rules probably won’t change anything and might in fact have the opposite effect due to annoyance. That’s an aspect of the whole learning experience at Cloud Recesses that I always found a little odd: every sect has their own sect of house rules, why force visiting students to memorize theirs until they can recite it forwards and backwards. In the novel, Wei Ying’s initial indignation at having to copy them was pretty valid; good thing he ended up marrying into the Lan family anyway otherwise that really would’ve been a lot of effort pointlessly exerted.

When I first watched this episode, I was kind of impressed by how upstanding the Wen sect’s rules seemed to be: since they were set up to be the big bad sect in the show, I wasn’t expecting much in terms of moral standards. Too bad most of Wen Mao’s descendants strayed away from following them, or even remembering them, as Wen Chao would soon show. I did find it curious that he would even know the Gusu Lan sect rules enough to recognize them; it’s rather strange that he didn’t automatically assume Wei Ying was reciting his own Yunmeng Jiang sect rules since that would have been a pretty logical guess. Which begs the question, when did he even learn the Gusu Lan rules? I know that’s a question that no answer was ever provided for, and I’m sure Team CQL didn’t even think anyone would ever care enough to ask since the more important take-away point of that scene was Wei Ying adorably using the Gusu Lan sect rules as a means to slap Wen Chao in the face. And it was a pretty effective slap, even the usually disdainful Jin Zixuan was amused by his tactic. I’m sure both Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan were impressed as well but were simply too worried about the repercussions to enjoy the moment.  

I actually rejoiced a little when Wen Chao generously doled out his punishment to both JZX and Lan Zhan as well, instead of only singling out Wei Ying, since that of course instantly translated to me as more Wei Ying and Lan Zhan bonding time.  Sure, JZX had to be the third wheel this time, but the upside to that was that yet another person got to witness Wei Ying’s preoccupation with Lan Zhan.

JZX’s reaction to Wei Ying’s insistence on chatting up a very unresponsive Lan Zhan was hilarious. He must’ve been wondering, what the heck is up with this guy and his obsession with Lan Wangji?  I think even if JZX had asked Wei Ying that question directly, Wei Ying wouldn’t have even been able to explain himself. At that point in time, I don’t believe he even understood why he couldn’t leave Lan Zhan alone, only that he couldn’t and didn’t want to.

And of course likewise, neither could Lan Zhan leave Wei Ying alone, especially when he’s in danger, even though he really did all he could to resist responding to Wei Ying’s numerous attempts at interacting with him. It really was a great risk; I can only imagine the stress and turmoil Lan Zhan was feeling. Having just seen his home partially destroyed by the Wens (although in the novel/donghua it was worse since it wasn’t just partial), he must’ve been deathly afraid of getting Wei Ying involved lest harm befell him as well, and yet as soon as he was threatened, Lan Zhan immediately forgot all his concerns and defended Wei Ying.

I love that all his carefully maintained stoicism dissipated completely because of Wei Ying: not only did he valiantly defy and threaten Wen Chao, but then he also blatantly showed his concern on his face…

…and through his gestures since he couldn’t stop holding on to Wei Ying.

Wen Chao’s monologue took a good minute or two and yet the entire time, Lan Zhan never let go. In front of so many people he continued to unabashedly support Wei Ying. Like he just completely forgot everything other than protecting Wei Ying. It was beautiful.

I really wish Wen Chao had thrown Lan Zhan in the dungeon with Wei Ying as well, especially since he even threatened to. Not sure why Team CQL held back from that; the whole dung field scene was created just for the drama anyway, would’ve been lovely if they had gone the extra distance and WangXianed up the dungeon scene as well since that was also just a figment of their imagination. Not to mention, considering Lan Zhan did also fight back against Wen Chao, it would’ve made sense for him to also face the same punishment as Wei Ying. Wei Ying could’ve still been thrown into the doggy cell while Lan Zhan into the cell next to him, and then he would’ve had to spend the entire time listening to Wei Ying getting tortured by the puppy and just be worried sick until Wen Qing finally showed up with her needles. Darn it. Such a shame Team CQL passed up such a good Lan Zhan angsting opportunity.

Although I probably shouldn’t even complain since there was already a good amount of WangXian moments already, Wei Ying’s piggyback offer alone made up for the lack of a dungeon bonding scene.

Even though Lan Zhan declined his offer, just thinking about how he proceeded to hold on dearly to this memory because it was precious to him, and then to bring it up again a decade and a half later in order to return the favor, just makes me want to cry all over again for this sweet romantic man.  

Wei Wuxian is Cool AF

I mean, that’s usually a given, but still, I always get a happy chill down my spine when I see him being all threatening like that. It’s like seeing the prelude to the Yiling Patriarch. Seeing Wei Ying boldly come to his rescue like that probably helped spur Lan Zhan into action to defend him.

Wen Ning is a Sweetheart

I believe that even if Wei Ying hadn’t saved his life, if their only encounter was that moment on Cloud Recesses when Wei Ying taught him to properly pull back on his bow and aim, Wen Ning would have still done everything he did for Wei Ying because that’s just the type of angel he is. For that one minor act of kindness, Wen Ning would have no doubt done all he can to help Wei Ying whenever he could; so far saving his life, Wen Ning would’ve died for him. I’m just so happy that he got a second chance at life, and at least in the drama his condition was a step up from zombie. The fact that he’s been there all along during the course of Wei Ying and Lan Zhan’s relationship and witnessed most of their major events together, especially during Wei Ying’s second lifetime, makes him even more endearing to me because he was always so supportive. I’m so glad that he is beloved by the juniors later on because he really deserves all the love he can get.

Poor Jiang Cheng

I felt bad for Jiang Cheng in this episode: here he is pining after his crush, looking forward to seeing her again while wrestling with his feelings as he tried to decided if he should give her the gift he’s been holding onto all this time, and yet when they finally have a one-on-one moment, all Wen Qing is concerned about is Wei Ying. I know that’s understandable under the circumstances since she did see Wen Chao drag Wei Ying away, but when I first watched this episode and thought Team CQL was aiming for the love triangle angle, I really thought this moment would be later utilized to plague Jiang Cheng to stir up his jealousy even more. I really cannot say enough how glad I am they never went in that direction.

Full Moon Rising

I guess it’s not unreasonable that werewolves exist in that world, since demons and otherworldly beasts do too—I mean, that’s what they were hunting at Phoenix Mountain after all—but man do I wish they would’ve just stuck with a normal puppy for this whole dungeon scenario cuz Mr. Wolfman just looked so damn fake and awful. Sometimes, Team CQL makes such bad technical choices that I actually have to rub my temples to stave off the headaches I get from them. I don’t understand why they didn’t just bring in a Doberman or mastiff or some other ferocious-looking black dog for that scene. I know it probably would have cost a little more to have a trained dog that can fake attack on command, but they could have easily gotten away with using camera tricks to feign an attack on Wei Ying. Every time I see that fake-ass stuffed dog I can’t help groaning a little. No amount of drool could make that thing look remotely real.  Really, bless Xiao Zhan for selling the crap out of that scene and also the make-up department for doing a pretty stellar job with his blood and injuries, I would’ve felt nothing but embarrassment otherwise. But Wei Ying looked distressed and hurt enough that my heart always ends up aching a little at the sight of his horrible condition. I wanted to personally hurt Wen Chao for putting him through that ordeal.  

Despite my criticism of the dungeon scene, I still liked it in general because in addition giving us the Wen’s siblings separate acts of aid to Wei Ying, it also provided us with this moment where Wei Ying selflessly saves the medicine for Lan Zhan despite his own serious injuries. That really is just so completely sweet…my only lament is that Lan Zhan never even really finds out what he did. He would’ve been so touched. 

Questions I Still Have

Honestly I question the practicality and effectiveness of the whole hostage situation with each sect’s heirs and prized pupils, but I’m going to hold off on delving into that until probably the next episode since the choice Wen Chao makes at the Xuanwu cave really sets off my logic alarm.

Overall Episode Rating: 8 Lil Apples out of 10

Disclaimer: The Untamed would not be possible without Mo Dao Zu Shi and Mo Xiang Tong Xiu-laozi.  I mean no disrespect whatsoever with my humble comparisons between the novel and the live action, even when I sometimes favor the changes in the show. All hail MDZS and MXTX-laozi always and forever!