#anyway that's basically their entire vibe summarised lol

[teatitty]

Shizuo: You should be addicted to shutting the fuck up!

Izaya: You wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid!

[aqvarius]

lol i gotta ask, why do you hate the romance md mc? i haven’t played the game (i hate love choice) she popped up in ayumu pov and err she seemed a litte eccentric ? lol ppl seem to love her from what ive seen so i would a different perspective on her character.

haha okay so i touched on this a bit in my reviews of takado and hosho but let me try to summarise:

basically, i love mcs i can relate to but also find inspiring? like i like mcs who i can see parts of myself in, enough that i look at them and think “if i try really hard to be a good person, i can be like them”. that’s why even with the masukisu mc, i like her well enough, but i like her the most when she fails and makes mistakes bc perfect characters are so boring. 

anyway with otoge, i know a lot of people are like waaa mcs are too emotional and weak and insecure about everything but (and maybe it’s just because i’m Peak Insecure) i love that? i like it when they’re emotionally vulnerable and feel things and get hurt cause it helps me (1) be able to relate based on my own relationship/love/hurt/failure at work experience and (2) feel more invested in their character and relationship and development bc it’s clear through their emotional responses that they’re falling in love (or overcoming a problem in their relationship or at work/school/etc.). and if you’re like me and read with a semi self-insert intention, then it’s easier for me to fall in love with not just the LI/MC as a couple but also the actual thought of being in mutual love with the love interest. 

so for me the problem with the rmd mc is that she is all surface sass with no emotional substance. i found it very incongruous that she’s supposed to be all meta and love this one (v generic) otome game character but have no interest in real men, because ALL OF RMD’S CHARACTERS ARE VERY CLEARLY OTOME GAME CHARACTER ARCHETYPES. her dialogue with them often reads as like they put 100 points in “snark” and 0 points in any other personality trait. she’s really full of herself (she’s literally in a university/training hospital and somehow thinks she knows better than these elite specialists just bc she’s read a lot of journals??). she’s eccentric in a way that i don’t find particularly cute bc it comes off more as arrogant than passionate to me (maybe bc the writing style for her dialogue is so clinical?)

with someone like hlitf mc, she is righteous to a fault and often will try to like butt in where she’s not needed and be like “noooo i can’t compromise my MoRaLs” but she also has respect for her instructors and is humble enough to know that she does need to listen to their advice, and we often see her fail when she just does it her way without taking their expertise into consideration. because of this, we get to see her self-doubt from the beginning develop into confidence and applicable skill as a working detective. we also get to see snippets where she has to compromise on those morals and overcome adversity to do her job. so we actually get to see her realise her own flaws and learn and grow from them.

however, with rmd mc, we basically never see her have to face any adversity and thus we don’t get to see her develop. she hardly has any inner weaknesses to develop or overcome because she has no personality substance beneath that sassy and nerdy exterior. that’s why she’s only ever interesting when she has the entire crew of doctors in that room off which to bounce dialogue but is so bland when it comes to actual relationship development. her inner monologue as she’s supposed to be falling in love is so insincere because she is written in a way that is very... unemotional? so she goes from “i don’t care about men i only care about READING” to like “what????? i love him????/”  and like if your own first person perspective character doesn’t know or believe she’s in love, then how am i as a reader supposed to suddenly believe it. that’s why i find rmd quite disappointing overall because the LIs actually have good backstories and it would be rewarding to see them gradually open up and fall in love but unfortunately that story is wasted on someone who in my opinion doesn’t allow us to see the full emotional potential of that development. 

for example, there are elements of hosho’s route and rei kamiki’s route (from irresistible mistakes) that i find very comparable, in that hosho and dr mc end up cuddling to sleep a lot and rei and the im mc end up basically sharing a bed to sleep together as well iirc? in both cases, we are confronted with having to deal with growing one-sided feelings in a relationship where there is physical closeness but it’s only platonic. and yet somehow, even tho hosho’s back story is way more traumatic than rei’s, the emotional ride of falling in love, having that conflict and then ending up together is so much more convincing and rewarding in rei’s route because of his mc (i.e. the perspective that we read in the MS). 

also tbh i think i just like softness? i think it’s really clear by my posts that my favourite moments are when LIs who are normally more stoic/mean are all soft and gooey for the person they love. but rmd mc has no softness under her prickliness lmao. anyway i said i would summarise but i ended up ranting again so my apologies if you like this mc but i personally think the only time she reads as interesting is if you literally only see like 5 slide screenshot posts on tumblr bc you can enjoy her being sassy without having to suffer through her lack of emotional substance 

EDIT: i do wanna disclaim that in some more recent hlitf stories/chapters (although can’t remember which ones gave me this impression off the top of my head), i have seen dialogue that sometimes gives me rmd mc vibes. i’m not sure if it’s the same translator/translation team or this is just a trend that voltage is heading towards, but i do remember getting that feeling a couple times and then getting a bit anxious lmao that one of my favourite genuine mcs might be getting corrupted. i haven’t yet been able to pinpoint what exactly it is, but i think it’s that the tone can sometimes come across as blasé or is expressed in a more meme-y turn of phrase where i feel it should be more genuine/sincere? but either way, the writing in hlitf is amazing and we’ve already been given so much wonderful development so i’m not overly worried 

EDIT 2: i also wanna add that i know a lot of people like her nerdiness and sassiness i respect that but let’s not pretend that she’s the first nerdy or sassy voltage mc ever lol. hlitf mc forces ayumu to watch freaking era of samurai code of love and nerds out over old school detective dramas (amongst many other things... mizuki fujisaki.....). im mc is a workaholic and a cat lady who could literally talk for 5 hours about tachibana’s ads. bmp mc is CONSTANTLY sassing all of them, esp prince keith lol. mlfk mc is such a dork. scm mc knows every single Greek myth about the stars. msb mc is a theatre nerd. eitm mc does not ever let miyabi or kyoga get away with their shit. however, they are all still VERY CUTE MCs.

anyway i could keep going on and on but all i’m saying is that in so many voltage games, the mc is CLEARLY the only one with a braincell out of the entire cohort of men and the fact that she is the only person with common sense (while also having her own hobbies and interests) while all these men around her are ridiculous is a great selling point so personally i don’t think voltage needed to overcompensate the way they did and delete her emotional capacity function. 

[whydoifeelsoold]

Seeing iKON live for the first time: a reflection

So last Thursday and Saturday I saw iKON live for the first time, in Sydney and Melbourne respectively. Here are my thoughts. 

Random thoughts:

- Before the Sydney show I was nervous af. Honestly, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t concentrate on shit, I was trembling, I was alternating between rambling like a madwoman and sitting in silence staring into space. My poor sister thought I was losing it. Think Hanbin in On Hiatus when Bobby texts him he’s outside his house and wants to speak to him in chapter 4. I was THAT. 

- I was so nervous because I felt like there was SO much at stake. I’ve written sooo much about these boys (over 337,000 words?!), I’ve spent so much time (enjoyable time lol) wondering about them, hypothesising how they’d respond to different situations, basically doing full on character studies. I was so scared that I’d go to the concert and what if....I’d gotten them wrong, I’d totally misunderstood them...what if they weren’t quite like what I imagined. What would happen then?? Would I be disappointed in myself?? Disappointed by them?? That wouldn’t be fair to them at all because they are PEOPLE not CHARACTERS!! And I would be disappointed in myself about that too!! So anyway, long story short, I was terrified some kind of disappointment would be inevitable. 

- So of course I was nervous (bats aggressively swooping in my stomach) right up till when they finally appeared. However, I was amazed that instead of feeling awe, or surprise, or disbelief, when I saw them lined up about to begin Bling Bling, I just felt insanely happy. Like childishly, innocently, joyously happy.

- I was so thrilled by how good the vocal line sounded live. Their voices sound SO clear, strong and full of colour. It was amazing to FEEL their voices echo and project in the room. The sound was better in Sydney however, for some reason their voices were more muffled in Melbourne, not sure why. May have been to do with my location in Festival Hall. 

- I wish Sydney iKONICS were a bit more friendly to one another. I felt like a village idiot when I smiled at some people and they just looked at me with confused, dead eyes. Like come one guys, can’t we all bond over this incredible experience?! Can’t we kill time in the massive-ass queue by getting excited together (But Sydney is a catty city, so that didn’t surprise me too much tbh) ?!?!

- They were all SO so So sweet and very endearing. They were just...adorable. I felt so affectionate and proud of them. 

Now, about the Boys themselves:

- They were all INCREDIBLY handsome in real life. Even more handsome than on tv or in photoshoots. Like, I dunno what it is about seeing them in real life, but they were just really stunning. 

- In Sydney especially they were tired (but did a very noble job of pushing through). In particular Hanbin, and I felt a wave of concern for him when he was bent over puffed at one stage. Bobby and Donghyuk were up there hyping up the crowd with “WHO WANTS ANOTHER SONG” and poor Bin was just shaking his head laughing, trying to catch his breath. You could really tell he was ready for a good 15 hours of sleep. 

- In Melbourne they all seemed to be more rested, except maybe Bobby. He did his very best not to let on he was tired, (and don’t get me wrong, he still had plenty of energy) but he was a bit more reserved in Melbourne than in Sydney and struggled to get his words out more when speaking english. Every now and again he seemed a bit distracted in Melbourne, like maybe his concentration was off. 

- The one thing that DID blow my mind, was that ALL of them - but especially double b - were exactly as I had imagined and written them to be. As a writer, I’ve tried my best to interpret them as accurately as possible from the sources given to us: tv shows, performance recordings, the music, the survival shows, the interviews, the radio appearances, etc. etc. How this whole time I’ve also been acutely aware, that no matter how hard I try, how can I truly get a “vibe” from someone when I haven’t seen them in person. Seeing them live made everything make sense. 

- Bobby had this gorgeous, outward energy, just the way I imagined him to be. He was so sweet towards the boys, but also devilishly cheeky and when he got the chance. As for his interaction with the audience, you could really tell he wanted to give us a good performance, it was like he really wanted to give us a gift and for us to love it. You could really feel how lucky he felt to have us there screaming and singing along, how appreciative he was (like dude, no, thank YOU!! NOT US!!). In Melbourne a small smile he shared with Hanbin suggested that special connection which made my heart soar. They clearly have a very deep connection, whatever that may be. Overall I would describe him in real life as Generous and uplifting. 

- Han Fucking Bin, my ultimate bias. Oh god. I was blown away by how similar he is in real life to how I have imagined. He had this incredibly complex, fascinating energy riddled with paradoxes. He was eccentric yet very in tune with the crowd, dorky yet intimidating, reserved/shy but very sweet, rather dreamy and in his own world, yet always very in control, unassuming yet also proud and a bit aloof. Maybe aloof isn’t the right word...maybe detached? But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think he has a very good poker face, it’s his professional/leader face. He takes his responsibility to deliver a good concert very seriously and so he doesn’t always look like he can “let himself go.” But at the same time, I really got a sense that underneath the poker face he was feeling a lot, thinking a lot. He was doing a lot of work, but keeping that to himself.. Finally, he struck me as someone who has made the brave commitment to be himself unapologetically, but he’s still learning who exactly he is. I’m really excited to how he turns out, but if my gut feeling is right, he will only continue developing as a person, he won’t just find himself and stop there. He is like a pokemon, there are going to be many evolutions for him and that’s EXACTLY why I love him so much. I would sum him up in real life as Sensitive and Inquiring. 

- Jinhwan was just as feisty, cheeky and cute coy as I imagined. He was in high spirits, and I think he’d impressed himself with his english skills so he was very confident on stage, he really knew how to work the crowd. I really got a sense of his love of attention. He was so charming, cute and willing to indulge the crowd. I didn’t see his mum-side but I’m glad about that because I feel like he doesn’t need to be in that mode when all the boys are having fun on stage, he can just focus on being his naughty, sexy self. I would summarise him as Playful and Engaging. 

- Donghyuk was a total darling and omg he looks soooo handsome in real life. I really got a sense of his attentiveness towards the fans, he really did his best to engage with us, asking questions, complimenting the city he was in, joking around, singing other songs whenever he got the chance. Diligent and Caring, that’s DK in a nutshell. 

- June!!! So June was like Chanwoo and Yun, they kinda let the other boys take the floor and lead the show. Totally fair enough. I can’t begin to imagine how vulnerable one must feel when you have no idea wtf the being said and you’re up there on stage with everyone watching. Two things with June. One, I could NOT believe how dramatically handsome he was in real life. Like, his raven-black “comma-styled” hair, the way it contrasted so boldly with his pale skin, his muscular tallness, the way his white t-shirt hung off his frame so casually yet perfectly, his striking brows, strong profile and chiseled jawline...like, he was GODLY.  Out of this world. From another universe. He was stunning. In terms of the vibe he gave me in real life: Cool and eccentric. 

- Yun!!! Bless him!!! I really just wanted to hear more from him...although i totally get why he didn’t have the means to express himself more. But what he couldn’t communicate through words he really poured into his singing and interaction with the fans. I was really impressed by his voice live, he has such a nice warm tone. And he really put heart into his lines and high notes. His showmanship was very impressive. I would summarise him as heartfelt and emotive. 

- Chanwoo was SO SO gorgeous in real life. Even from where I stood at the back his eyes stood out so well. He was reserved but not lacking in confidence, he was shy but also very sincere and sweet. His vocals were brief but his husky tone is awesome. I would summarise him as observant and alert. 

- Overall Seeing them was really amazing, it was such a positive experience. All I feel now is the bittersweetness of it all. Before I didn’t know what it was like to miss them, that wasn’t something I had to deal with being a distant aussie fan. But now I’ve seen them twice in three days, I now know what that is like to be in their presence. And honestly, I miss them so much already. my heart feels bruised. Laaaaaaaame. 

p.s. @mvssmallow I hope you have regained hearing in your left ear. I’m sorry I yelled so loud and so consistently throughout the ENTIRE show. You’re a legend for putting up with my drunken nerves. 

@notsolonelyinthisworld @drinkyourjuicejinhwan @jennicullen @gurrchoo @runsoftbin

[amandayuebing]

My Life is Very Shoujo Manga, Chapter 2: Mal, you cheeky little liar...

I’m writing right now from UNSW’s judo dojo, just across the hall from the kendo competition going on right now, as I wait for the competition to wrap up so I can go out on a date with my boyfriend. I’m excited! 

There’s been a bit of a gap between my last post and writing/publishing this one because I need to admit to you guys, I’ve been having my dreaded perfectionism paralysis… And I’ve been procrastinating by watching “Jane the Virgin” on Netflix-- omg it’s such a great show!! If you haven’t watched it yet, you should give it a go.

And ironically, “Jane the Virgin” is also about a writer who sometimes gets perfectionism paralysis (except my story doesn’t involve an accidental artificial insemination or a rich, hot, baby-daddy (yet 😉 oh ho ho...), and I’m writing this story mostly for fun, and not as an aspiring writer.

I just want you guys to be able to see my story the way I see it— how crazy, but amazing it’s been! How so many times I’ve questioned in my life, “is this really happening?! It sounds straight out of the plot of something ridiculously fiction...” Like a… that’s right! Shoujo manga.

But, yes. What better background to write about the memories of when I first started kendo then to be directly opposite a kendo competition? I can literally smell the kendo in the air right now. (Thank god the judo dojo has its windows open, on this hot, stinking day...)

Let’s jump in!

Once my first kendo class finished, I knew it wouldn’t be a week later until I’d see our favourite kendo club president, Tony, again. I was looking forward to that day, but at the same time dreading it because of how terrible I was that first class. Plus I was starting to have doubts. Doubts like:

1) This is silly… How can you be so interested in somebody when you don’t even know them yet…? Like what do you actually like about him?

2) Do you guys even have anything in common…? Like, you’re one of the least athletically gifted people you know. No, you ARE the least athletically gifted person you know. How many frisbees did you take to the head during P.E. class? How did you even get into law school with all those frisbees to the head?!

3) What if he has a girlfriend…? Surely a cutie like him cannot be single… 

(These are summarised. But when I go into moments of doubt, they just spiral everywhere!)

My main concern was if we were each other’s type… But who was I kidding? I was concerned about everything LOL. I am an obsessive over-thinker!

But man, what better way to crush your doubts about your crush than for your best friend to force you stand righhtt in front of your crush, the university kendo club president (and dojo steward) while he’s leading the whole class for warm-up, and let him and the entire class watch you embarrass yourself. Again. (Mal last lesson: “I won’t do anything bad…” Uh huh, Mal 😒... really?)

I was probably even worse this class because that warm-up? I didn’t get it at all... Tony stood in front of us stretched leaning to the right, and I wasn’t sure whether I was meant to lean to his right or mine. I chose a side. Apparently the wrong side. 

Tony cracked up.

For a second, I was mortified. It was so embarrassing! But then I couldn’t help it. I cracked up! Which made him crack up. 

“Oh my god... I am going to get my ass KICKED, or get KICKED OUT of this class for sure!” I cringed. 

Luckily that didn’t happen.

But I did try my best during that class. And also did my best not to be a distraction to Tony or the rest of the class who wanted to learn... I mean, I really wanted to learn too! I had a freaking stalker! I needed to look like a bad-ass!! 

Oh, that’s right! I haven’t told you guys about my stalker!

So before Tony and I met, I had a stalker who had been following me around for about a year... He was still stalking me at the time I joined kendo. So, when Mal and the girls at the kendo stand tried to convince me to learn how to be a bad-ass and defend myself by hitting people with a big-ass stick?! Hell yeah, it sounded like a sign!

My stalker was a guy who lived in the same on-campus building as I did. Let’s call him... Russell. Russell was significantly older than me (at least 10 years older?), followed me by popping up at unwanted times (he somehow managed to pop up so frequently, and in such unexpected places), and would not leave me alone, even though I expressed I was uncomfortable around him.

He would approach me at very inappropriate times e.g. When I was walking home with groceries alone as the sun was just starting to set (this is actually what happened the first time we met); when I was alone on elevators; in an alleyway, as I was late-night Christmas shopping with just my female cousin, and basically any time... And his intention was definitely to have a threatening and sinister presence around me, as he would not go away when asked. 

Obviously, after that, I would try to limit the amount of time I was alone. But the difficulty was the fact he would only appear when I was alone or in the company of just another female. Never when I was with a male, or in a group of friends. So some of my closest friends doubted he even existed, or that he was as sinister as I felt he was. 

“I’ve never seen someone around that fits that description…”, “There are heaps of people who look like that. How do you know it’s the same guy or you’re just freaking out about every time someone talks to you that looks like  that?”, “Maybe it’s a coincidence he turns up at those times?” “Take it as a compliment…”

But what isn’t sinister about a man staring intensely, directly at me, as an elevator door was closing because I refused to get in with him. Or him stepping out of that empty elevator to stand, wordlessly, facing me, within a couple inches. Staring down at me as I waited in the lobby for the next elevator, while there was ample room for him to stand elsewhere. And him moving closer when I took steps away from him, uncomfortably.

Then, when two elevators arrive, one slightly after the other, and I saw him definitely walk towards the one that arrived first, and I ran to take the one that he wasn’t riding so I could hurry and close the door, then have him lunge towards the elevator I was on and wait until he’s last to press his floor button, despite being the closest to the buttons... Him pressing a floor above everyone else’s (even though you know he lives on a lower floor because he told you the first time you met). 

Remembering all this is honestly giving me chills...

Around this time, just as I was starting kendo, the stalker situation was getting worse. Just three days after I joined, I was studying in one of the common areas of my university housing apartment, while Dad slept on a couch nearby, I ran into my stalker, again. It was honestly so unpleasant. I had just walked out of the bathroom when I saw him walk out of the elevator. 

When he saw me, his head turned slowly and smirked, and followed me back to my desk where I had been studying. 

He started the conversation with a creepy, “heyyyy,” and honestly I don’t remember what else he talked to me about because I just told him angrily, “leave me alone,” repeatedly, and my dad sat up sleepily. I heard Russell murmur an “oh..” before dashing off to the elevators and disappeared.

But back to kendo. (Okay, I am going to be honest and tell you guys early on: if you guys are here to read about awesome and exciting recounts of kendo matches, this isn’t it.)

When the class ended, Mal wanted to stay back a little and get to know the people a little more… (Reminder: “I won’t do anything too bad... Promise” -- Mal, the previous class.)

We talked to a bunch of people, but I got to particularly talk to a girl named Marianne. She was really nice, but something about her gave me this bad vibe...

She introduced me to a couple named Ivan and June, and introduced them as “another” couple in the kendo club. But what was odd was she didn’t explain who the first couple was... Then she introduced Tony as her “punching bag”, and asked him, “isn’t she cute?” (referring to me). And I mean, obviouslyyy he answered “yes, she is” 😉😉 (internal me: *flower pose* 😌🌸). I thought I saw just a flash of jealousy cross her face, but she smiled at Tony sweetly.

I thought Marianne was nice and there were things I liked about her personality, like how bold and self-assured she seemed, and how she genuinely seemed friendly. 

Everything we’d been talking about up until that moment Tony joined in seemed so genuine and I— I knew I had a habit of overthinking, but at the same time, when you get a feeling about something, there’s usually a reason for it, right?

At this moment I felt clues for my 3 doubts being answered:

1) What do I like about him? After two lessons, I could still see the positive things I saw him the first time we interacted. How he’s serious about what he does, but doesn’t take himself too seriously. How he’s kind, patient, sweet, charming..... Yeah, yeah, you guys don’t really want me to go on.

2) Am I his type? Yes, yes, I think! Chance to celebrate anyway.

3) Does he have a girlfriend...? Well......... Although Marianne didn’t outright claim him, it felt like she kinda was. But there was no harm in getting to know him (and her), and I would back off if I needed to... The thought of that made me a little sad, because although we’d just met, I was starting to really like him.

With so much going on, I had so much to think about, and as I was walking home sometime after 10pm, Tyler messaged me with “hey AManda” but I ignored him. What is with this guy and his bad timing?!

(I haven’t explained who Tyler is yet, but you guys will find out soon.)