#anyway when I finally drop this thing I'm expecting all of the validation <3

[helenofblackthorns]

current status of the James Essay 😁😁

[eriexplosion]

Okay I've put off the finale enough. Time for Return to Kamino.

You can tell it's awkward between Crosshair and Hunter right now because after his dramatic entrance Crosshair just. Slipped back out to wait up front rather than risk having to actually talk to Hunter about anything.

This first interaction though god there's so much there. "And so will your squad." "They'll still come for you." Just godddd the pain is so deep here and it's no one's FAULT it's the Empire's but you can't have interpersonal family dynamics with the Empire. It's only this painful because of how much everyone cares about each other.

POOR PANICKY OMEGA she's so scared and wants to go get Hunter RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY.

When do we get the Gregor in Cid's bar chaos cut?

Rampart has acknowledged Hunter's name but never Crosshair's, which is wild to me.

The fact that his subordinates still call him 'the clone' okay. The thing with Crosshair is he might have gotten the title but he never got an OUNCE of respect and god does it show. The fact that he willingly went back to this is a sign of how little self respect he has left frankly. He doesn't care that they treat him like shit because whatever he probably deserves to be treated like shit.

Echo getting down to ask Omega if she's alright is such a good moment for them, just a lovely example of how good they are at relating to her. (Her saying it doesn't matter they just need to save Hunter though sdoifjsf, I cannot wait to see her stubborn streak in season 3)

"Not the ones that matter" baby boy, my beloved delusional bitch, NONE of you matter and you NEVER WILL to the Empire.

"They don't leave their own behind. Most of the time."

Listen I love that his hurt is treated like it matters but I love that Hunter doesn't instantly give in when he hears it too. They did what they could with the information they had - which wasn't much - and it meant that they couldn't take Crosshair with them. Either they would have died or Crosshair would have been killed. There's no solution where they just grab Crosshair and take him with them and it all works out perfectly, and both of their sides are absolutely valid in the emotions they have and it's DELICIOUSLY COMPLICATED BETWEEN THEM.

"We didn't have a choice." "Hm. And I did?" - Okay though I love this exchange because it is. The singular time I think where we hear Crosshair admit that he didn't have a choice. He usually tries to pretend he's picked this path, that he's made his own decisions. And after a point he did, but those decisions will never not be influenced by something that was completely out of his control, and when he lets himself be a little raw he admits that, before he piles on all his stubbornness again.

GODDD HUNTER IS TRYING SO HARD STILL TO GET THROUGH TO HIM AND HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT CROSSHAIR ISN'T CHIPPED ANYMORE AND AGHHHHHHH. I know I'm focusing on this over the others in the lab but god there's just so much here I can't stop chewing on it. Hunter's sad sigh, the gentleness he uses to try to get through to him, Crosshair's face when Hunter mentions the chip because he knows it's not there and he isn't sure he fully believes that it was That Big A Deal anyway. I'm so. Emotional. About this.

Empty Kamino is still one of the creepier settings tbh

So funny how they fall for the 'oh we'll go where they're not expecting!' trick twice in a row because Crosshair is just that familiar with how they think.

"And here we all are, together again!" Brat.

HUNTER'S LITTLE NOD TELLING THEM TO DROP THEIR WEAPONS

"You think we'd bring her here? We're smarter than that." NO YOU ABSOLUTELY ARE NOT GO FIND THE KID RIGHT NOW

"You betrayed everything we stood for" babe you are the one being weird about what you stood for not the rest of the batch.

"You weren't loyal to me." LINES THAT STRIKE AT THE HEART EVERY TIME. THE MUSIC IS SO FUCKING GOOD ON THIS BIT. AND "I'm going to give you what youo never gave me. A chance." WHY THE DIALOGUE GOTTA GO SO DAMNED HARD.

The way that he tries to get Omega off world is another good signal that the chip is out, it's so different from aim for the kid it might as well be coming from a different person. Because it is. The chipped version was not Crosshair, not really, this is. Just. A very very damaged Crosshair.

Glad he drops the 'we're superior' bullshit in season two pretty much, guess 32 rotations starving on a platform will put some things back in perspective.

Tech spotting the mirrors and bringing Wrecker's attention to them right before Crosshair shoots everyone and pulls his helmet off it's just so much happening all at once and I adore the Emotion in this whole sequence.

YOU ARE ALL MEANT FOR MORE THAN JUST RUNNING. LIKE BEING THE LACKEY OF A GUY THAT FUNDAMENTALLY DISRESPECTS YOU.

"Don't become my enemy" "Crosshair, we never were" BABIES

And then the droid incident happens right when it seems like MAYBE they could get through and it's back to wrestling around on the ground like idiots.

This is not a fight this is Hunter managing a fucking tantrum while trying not to let Crosshair get shot in the meantime. Like it is clear they are not on equal footing in this lol. Crosshair manages to get the upper hand for exactly .5 seconds.

THE THEME KICKING IN WHEN HE JOINS UP AGAINST THE DROIDS MY GOD.

We need Tech alive it's the only way to get the theme back properly in season 3 if they play it without him it will feel EMPTY.

The DESPERATION ON HUNTER'S FACE AS HE TRIES ONE LAST TIME TO INSIST IT'S THE INHIBITOR CHIP. And I am still not over how.... the thing that Crosshair says 'Wrong' about isn't 'it's your inhibitor chip' but rather 'we can help you.'

This is just the face of a man that fundamentally thinks he can't be saved.

Like he doesn't look happy about this at ALL he looks exhausted and hurt, he's not proud when he says This is who I am.

Anyway he snapped his rifle up to try and commit suicide by Hunter I think, probably didn't occur to him that Hunter would have it on the stun setting.

Hunter's HEARTBREAKING EXPRESSION is a lot to take in but you also can see Tech's eyes widen and then narrow as he tries to process the new information and just. UGH. MY HEART AND SOUL IS WOUNDED.

And through it all, Hunter still checks for a scar trying to figure out what is going on. He still wants so bad for it not to be true that this is Crosshair in his right mind.

Which, well, he's not, just not because he's actively chipped.

U G H THE SHOTS OF EMPTY KAMINO JUST BEFORE THE BOMBING STARTS.

[fonulyn]

Just wanted to say that I’ve followed you for a few years now, and have enjoyed a lot of your fics. I try to comment when I can, but a lot of the time I just don’t have the energy or am in too much pain from chronic health issues to do so as consistently as I’d like.

I write for a variety of fandoms myself, both small and large, and I understand how frustrating and disheartening the lack of engagement can be. I tend to average 3-4 comments per fic, and my most popular one so far has 8 comments and 30-odd kudos, on a 25-chapter, 200,000-word fic. The sad reality is that no-one owes us engagement on our writing, and the old mantra of “write for yourself” still holds true, especially nowadays when it seems like reciprocal engagement is dropping off everywhere on social media (I don’t get nearly the same number of asks or responses on here that I did 10 years ago, and I think that reflects a wider change in how people are using social media nowadays).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that writing and posting can be its own reward, but it requires a change of mindset. I found that when I focussed on how much I enjoyed writing, and how proud I was of the final product, it got easier to weather the lack of engagement, and to appreciate the few-but-substantial comments I do get (also helped to realise that the whole reason I was so hung-up on popularity in the first place was a lack of recognition and validation in childhood, and that I was effectively denigrating my creative work in pursuit of something that had nothing to do with it, and which remains unachievable anyway since my mother is an unrepentant asshole). There’s also the fact that popularity is just a numbers game, and overwhelmingly rewards low-effort, low-complexity, broad-appeal works as opposed to those of genuine substance. Put simply, to be unpopular, or otherwise rarefied, is often a mark of quality.

appreciate the effort! and i do get that we're all human and sometimes doing stuff just requires effort that is too much.

you're also right that the entire social media and fandom have changed. things will probably never be the same.

and yeah no one owes us comments. but at the same time the sad reality is that no comments is gonna mean no fic. not saying this to be contrary or mean, it's just how it is.

i've always hated the "write for yourself and stop complaining about lack of comments" type of posts tbh, because writing and sharing are two completely different animals, at least to me. i'm still writing. right now, actually. and i probably will always write, more or less. but idek if i'll be posting stuff anymore because. why would i?

i genuinely think that i had it too good for a while in the "old fandom" lmao when people still commented and interacted and fandom was fun and felt engaging and it was so easy to make friends. so the shift to this consumerism is always going to feel jarring. and unfair.

i'm not even saying i wanna be super popular or anything, i am not expecting a sudden influx of twenty comments on a fic :'D but i would like to feel less like a squishee machine pushing out content thanklessly, y'know, lol.

(also, sorry about your struggles, and your mother :/)

[woozi]

yza beloved 🥰🥰🤍

first of all, did you listen to jinyoung's title track?? how do you feel about it? <3 the whole concept pictures, teasers felt so unreal 😭 i couldn't believe it's finally happening. i'm so happy <3 he came out with such a vibe-y, dancey song i love it! and ofc the rest 4 emotional songs ❤️‍🩹😭 served c*nt in concept pictures and emotional lyrics in the album lmaoo, while we're on this topic how have you been liking the albums def released recently 🥺? i saw jaebeom is also releasing something soon but haven't gotten time to check the details hfjdjd

black eye literally went on top of my 'on repeat' playlist after just two kr three days and it's still there!! hdjdjdkd i love it so much, the composition, lyrics and mostly vernon's voice 😭🔥 this kind of genre fits him so well <3 i want him to release an album already 😔. i said this before too ( to so many people 😭💀) when 2 minus 1 came out, that he gives a mix of 5sos - green day vibes, i love it so much 😋

also the band live performance was so goood HDSKJSKSKSBD HE LOOKS SO FINE IN MV AS WELL AS BAND LIVE VIDEO AND ALSO FULL AGREE WITH YOU THEY SHOULD'VE USED THE BLACK TANK TOP FIT MORE 😭😭😭😭 I CAN'T HDDJDJ (never thought i'd get biaswrecked by him at all 😭) the way they created the band live video was great! but i wish they used the green screen a little less 😭 just personal preference. also so so excited about booseoksoon comeback <3 january is a gift which keeps giving ( i say this without even knowing what date bss single is dropping 💀) hdksks love that

love to know that you got to have some time for yourself, hope work load - deadlines aren't too much <3 ( if there are any more ), hope your real break comes soon!!

also, have you started any series or drama? i'm currently watching doom at your service, a year late but im finally here dhdjdj it's been great so far! i really love the character seo inguk has played 😭🤍 ( the pace in some episodes is a little slow to my liking </3 but it's bearable because of the cute couple, not really liking the sub plot 😭, can you tell i solely started it because of seo inguk?- ) anyway yes the drama is good 🤍😭

thank YOU for hanging out, i always have fun 🥺🤍 sending best days wishes as always, love you yza <333 rest well in between of work!

MA CHERIE <3333333333333333

im gonna get stoned for this but i havent been keeping up with the sevens lately and am now just a svtpoppie 😭 BUT IVE SEEN ALL OF THE PHOTOS <333 its exactly what i'd expect from him tbh 😋 ALSO JB'S IS SO FJKDFJKJDFKJFDKJKFDJKFD that's so him tbh,, but also so slay of him it's v unique <3 ALSO FORGOT TO TELL U FDKJFDJKDFKJFDJ i accidentally came across ponytail on spotify 😭😭 it was on shuffle and i didnt even know it was yugyeom i was just like,, what THE FUCK THIS IS SO GOOD (and the vocals havent even kicked in yet) and when i checked it was him 😭

ALSO URE SOOOOOO VALID <3 it fits him so well and i'm glad thats the route he chose to take for his solo tbh <3 early 2000s vernon i lov u

AND IK???????????? honestly i love how raw the band ver sounds i even prefer it more than the official one fdkjdfjdf but that also has its own charm and i understand why they produced it that way <3 ALSO AGREED LMFAOOOOOOOOO 😭😭 i got the concept they were going for but it was a little distracting to me (a lil funny even) ALSO CB THIS DAY HAS COME WE ALL NEED TO BE DOLLYS <#333333333333 the thing abt the svteenies is that they just have SOOO much to offer im a lil overwhelmed at times but im also so glad i cant wait for bss and ITS 😋

AND IM ON BREAK FR <3333333 classes for the next (and my final omg??) semester start 2nd week of february hehehe BUT WBU WHAT HAVE U BEEN UP TO <33

nooo i've actually been looking for things to watch but all my sister has been recommending me western series (sitcoms) but those r not really my vibe fdjkfdjkdf so i'll def be checking the drama u mentioned out ehehhe 😋

I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO OUR LIL HANGOUTS 🥺🥺 lov u even more wishing u only have sexy days ahead <33 MWAHH

[gyokuto]

Omg like when yashahime was first announced i couldn't even get excited about it because it explicitly said it would be about sesshomaru's hanyo daughters (which is extremely ooc by the way, he wasn't even enoughly developed in the og) and i instantly knew they would make rin the mother bc it's a popular ship (which is absolutely disgusting) and Sess is my favorite character in the manga. I also did not have any positive expectations for it bc it was also not written by Rumiko and it's anime only.

When it aired back in october, I tried giving it a chance - i did read some kagura theories and thought they were plausible but the girls being hanyo always threw me off. After ep 8, everything did not make any sense to me - badly written, full of holes, inconsistent, bad characterization, boring villains, so I dropped. I kept up with it online, but the environment started giving me anxiety bc I did not wish to see Sess with Rin ever bc I'm a csa survivor and i was scared it would trigger bad memories. Then ep 15 aired and I felt like vomiting esp sunrise deliberately made Rin have kids at 14 and she still acts like she is 8. So i decided to watch the ep to at least see how it got done and it was so weird bc everything felt very off ? Like sesshomaru and everyone else did not feel like themselves if that makes sense - it was so odd. And everyone is off model with this new artstyle too . When i finished the ep, I couldn't associate og with yashahime bc everything felt different. Like if u watch the first 6 episodes of inuyasha and then go to yashahime it's like two completely different series, it's as if yashahime is simply borrowing the og's appearances but not their cores. So after thinking hard about it, about Sesshomaru specifically as a character, after analysing him all over again, I realized that he wouldn't ever do any of these things and i finally got over it. I dont think it's fair to judge these characters so harshly bc this was made by real people... I understand and respect if ppl hate him after ep 15 and can't see his relationship with Rin the same as before, but to me personally, their dynamic is intact. I love him as a character deeply. I also found comfort in knowing that Rumiko's been apathetic towards inuyasha for so long, she does not care about it anymore and that's why she's unbothered by what's going on. I no longer have any respect for her though and i will not support her anymore bc she's ruined inuyasha for a lot of people with her irresponsible act of approving this.

So i hope u can forget about this one day <3 it's sumisawa's fanfic with a budget and nothing more

thanks so much for taking the time to send me this message <3

i’m sorry that as a csa survivor you’ve had to witness all this shit going down. the ways in which some people downplay or invalidate the genuine sadness and discomfort that this sequel sparks among fans who are csa surviors in particular is absolutely disgusting.

when it was announced, i was super excited because anything inuyasha related gets me excited, and i was stupid and naive in thinking they would never do something like this

i always knew there were people that the pairing was popular amongst, but from my understanding, the most popular characters have always been kagome, inuyasha, kikyo, and sesshoumaru. i usually had to go out of my way to find fanart of anyone else since the series has been over for so long, so i was like...why would they even focus on some ooc romance between a demon who despised humans for 99% of this life (including his own half-human brother) and the pre-pubescent child he adopted...i was like no way...?

it’s literally so ooc for sesshoumaru to fall in love that the only valid candidate in sunrise’s eyes was the only character who was important to him, had a uterus, and was still alive which is so disgusting

i was honestly expecting some kind of fun plot twist, and i was interpreting the rin scenes as red herrings which could be explained by the fact that, as his first daughter, of course she would have high importance in his life

which is another thing that rubs me the wrong way about the whole ship (y’know, besides the child abuse); it’s like they’re saying if the child isn’t biologically his it’s not *actually* his daughter...which is such a GROSS mentality

but yeah, you’re absolutely right that the “sequel” is an ooc train wreck. you can even tell that the first ep. of yashahime was better than the rest because it came from something RT wrote. i’m sad over the wasted potential of these characters because moroha deserved better and towa, whether intentional or not, felt very queer coded, and that meant a lot to me

i also like your point about the characters not being judged too harshly because they have no real agency. it was real people that created them and decided these things for them. for this reason, i think it’s 100% valid to ignore yashahime and continue to find comfort in the original versions of the characters. sesshoumaru wasn’t the only one that was ruined; everyone who didn’t go against the relationship is ooc too

anyway, i understand that some people may not be able to separate the two, and if they’re triggered or uncomfortable, i also 100% understand having to let them go.

i hope i can go back to inuyasha and feel fondness and nostalgia one day too :)

it’s difficult for me to enjoy things once i lose respect for the creator in some way, but i’m trying to rationalize her involvement in my head

[seasickbaby]

Just a Kiss (II)

Pairing: Christopher x reader

Words: 1.7k

Summary: Christopher offers to help improve your *romantic* skills, and he isn’t kidding. When you agree, things escalate and feelings you tried to suppress resurface. 

A/N: Hola amores! Thank you so much for your patience with his fic. Ngl I don’t think this is my best writing but I wanted to get it up anyways. This chapter is short but I’m thinking about making this a series. Please come talk to me about this chapter and what you (want) think is gonna happen next! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated and keeps me motivated to write more. Also from now on my notes will go at the bottom! Enjoy!

You can read part one here: 

https://seasickbaby.tumblr.com/post/188487428355/just-a-kiss

------------------------------------------------------------

“I mean,,, t-tips…” You stutter, “Give me tips.”

Christopher clicks his tongue and leans back on the counter.

“Tips will only get you so far y/n… This is more of a hands on activity.”

You roll your eyes and slap his arm playfully. “Come on, I need a guy’s perspective. I could give you some in return.”

Chris, completely unfazed, just takes another sip of his beer. The lack of attention is bothersome so you cross your arms and pout your lip; inner five year old coming out when he doesn’t give you what you want.

Chris steals a side glance and chuckles. He then turns and, with a soft gaze, places a soft hand underneath your chin.

“No offense princesa, but what tips could you possibly give me?”

Forehead wrinkling, you force a laugh.

Wow, that was rude.

“Full offense Chris, but for how much you get gassed up about your skills, I expected more.”

This takes him by surprise. He was used to being teased by the other members, sure, but never about his ways with women. Everyone knew he was a ladies man. Even himself.

“Woah what do you mean?” Visibly hurt and confused, Chris pulls back his hand and dramatically places it over his chest.

You pretend you do not hear.

“Hmmm, maybe I should just ask Zabdi, I bet he won’t mind.” You shrug before hopping off the stool, “I’ve heard good things about him too.” You wink.

“Wait, wait, wait.”

His hand finds yours before you could walk away.

“Fine. I’ll help you, but first take back what you said.”

His ego got hurt, cute.

“And why would I do that?” You smile innocently.

He gives a small tug on your hand and brings you to stand in front of him, pulling you in between his legs when he hooks his hands behind your lower back. Eyes burning into yours.

Funny how people say that the eyes are the gateway to the soul. Most would say Chris is an open book; his outgoing, energetic personality makes it seem like such, but his eyes always spoke the words he never said out loud. Full of emotions yet never revealing too much, only showing what he wanted you to see.

You let yourself get lost in them every once in a while, never for too long. But right now, being so close in proximity, staring straight into his doe eyes, made you a little light headed.

Not even kidding, you could’ve kissed him again right there and then... if Erick hadn’t interrupted. The young one came over, ever so happily, and throws his arms over both your shoulders; the movement forcing Chris’ hands to let go of you.

“Ayyyy, compadres.”

“Erick your breath smells like beer.” Chris laughs as he sees you wrinkle your nose in the opposite direction of his face.

“Honestly, who even gave you alcohol you’re a baby!”  

“I am not! Tengo 18 años para su información. I’m a full grown, legal, adult!” Erick sloppily waves his hands in the air.

“Uh huh, we can see that.”

A couple minutes pass of the three of you standing there together, laughing and talking, until Erick stops mid conversation and gasps.

Listen to the song!” He instructs.

You and Chris both give each other a puzzled look as you try to listen over the crowd of drunk people.

“Que sordos… It’s El Guachineo!” He grabs your hand and starts to pull you out onto the dance floor, “Come on, let's dance!”

You swallow the last of your drink and the tequila pumps through your veins, making you feel bolder and confident. Perhaps it was the way Chris was looking at you or the one too many shots you took, you weren’t really sure, but you get the sudden urge to give in to Christopher’s temptations. Nervously biting your lip, you lean closer to him, and you’re sure going to regret this once you’re sober.

“Prove me wrong, and I’ll retract my statement.”

He could've not known what you meant, but the way his eyes widened made you think otherwise. You send him a flirtatious, yet sweet, smile before letting Erick drag you away.

There was never a dull moment when dancing with Erick. The way he flung his arms around everywhere and his facial expressions always had you laughing. Erick was a good dancer, no doubt about it, but he’s also a goofy guy, and that goofiness is multiplied by ten when he drinks.

Eventually the rest of the boys join you on the dance floor; everyone except Christopher. The longer you danced the longer you overthought the comment you previously made; anxiety begins builds up in your stomach. You try to push the thoughts away and instead focus on the boys in front of you, who were arguing over who was better at dancing bachata.

After what felt like an hour, you leave the group to look for Chris. You begin with where you last left him. Upon not finding him, you turn to the person most likely to have seen him last.

“Excuse me,” You smile at the barista, “have you, by any chance, seen a man with sloppy brown hair, tattoo sleeved arms, and looks like,,, a deer… kinda?”

“The Velez guy that was sitting with you over there?”

“Yes! That one.”

“He left not long after you and el otro muchacho went out to dance.” She gave you an apologetic smile.

The way your heart drops a little is unsettling, so you ignore the feeling and, instead, order one last shot of tequila before heading back to the hotel. You shoot the boys a quick text in the groupchat and head out of the club.

                                                                                                To: Thicc boyz + y/n

I’m going back to the hotel, have fun :)

From: Thicc boyz + y/n

Zabdi: Who’s taking you?

You’ve been drinking all night

                                                                                                To: Thicc boyz + y/n

I called an uber I'm fine

From: Thicc boyz + y/n

Richard: I’m coming with you

                                                                                                To: Thicc boyz + y/n

 I’m F I N E, enjoy your night

From: Thicc boyz + y/n

Richard: You’re drunk in a big city we don’t know, 

I'm not letting you go alone

                                                                                                To: Thicc boyz + y/n                                                            *not drunk & too late :P

Later, xoxo

You throw your head back on the Uber’s seat with a sigh and close your eyes, feeling a bit dizzy.

“Long night?” The Uber guy asks.

You sigh with a small laugh  “In a way.” Even though it was only two in the morning; at this time people are still drinking non stop.

“Well, I hope whatever is troubling you now resolves itself soon. Remember, everything happens for a reason.”

It was a small but sweet gesture. Maybe your troubles were a bit dumb but he made your feelings validated. Let’s just say, you got back to the hotel safe and sound and with a new friend: Ricky the driver.

The elevator ride to the fourteenth floor was slow and you couldn’t wait to finally relax. You open the door of your room and smile in relief when you kick your heels off. You took a shower, put on your favorite silk pjs, threw a robe over it and flopped on the bed to watch The Lion King (for the hundredth time) with a bowl of grapes. You were in the middle of singing Hakuna Matata when your phone rings.

A notification from Chris pops up.

Christopher:

Did you make it back to the hotel safely? [2:50 am]

Y/N:

I did, thanks for asking [2:51 am]

Where did you go tonight? [2:53 am]

Christopher:

I, uh, had to take care of a little problem [2:54 am]

Y/N

Oh? [1:54 am]

Christopher:

That you caused… [2:54 am]

Y/N:

I’m even more confused  [2:55 am]

Christopher:

Did you mean what you said before? [2:57 am]

Y/N:

What do you mean [2:57 am]

Christopher:

About,,, you know [2:58 am]

Christopher:

Proving you wrong [2:58 am]

Y/N:

Oh, I didn’t not mean it [2:59 am]

Your heart thuds loudly as you anticipate his response

Christopher:

Y/N you’re Richard’s little sister… [3:00 am]

Y/N:

Damn. Bitches just want to be good kissers and end up getting exposed to their brother… I’m bitches :( [3:00 am]

Y/N:

Just say you don’t like me and GO [3:01 am]

Christopher:

I guess I could teach you a thing or two [3:02 am]

That has you sitting up abruptly. Eyes scanning the text over and over. You feel your heart in your throat and, why is it extremely hot all of a sudden? You push yourself off your bed and pace around the room, unsure of what to do or say next.

Your phone dings with another text and you scramble to read it.

Christopher:

Come to my room. [3:05 am]

A101 [3:05 am]

You debate it at first. Coming up with multiple “what if’s” and a long list of things that could go wrong. But at the end of the day you knew this was a one time thing, no strings attached, and a way to practice. So why not?

You’re knocking on room A101’s door sooner than you expected. You look down at your shorts and curse yourself for not wearing something less revealing. A couple seconds pass, enough for you to change your mind, so you turn to walk away.

“A donde vas?”

A voice too familiar says behind you. You slowly face him, heart beating out of your chest and hands a tad clammy.

“Strictly for instructional purposes only?” You raise one eyebrow.

“Nothing more.” He extends his hand and you stare at it for a second before grabbing it. His lips part into a smile and yours return it. Chris pulls you into the room, letting out a small laugh as you trip over your feet. He reaches a hand up to brush through your hair, stopping at your jaw and tracing his thumb all the way to your lips.Your laugh dies down as you see Christopher’s eyes flick to your lips, tongue coming across them in a slow, sultry, motion.

Deep down, you knew you were crossing a line which you couldn’t come back from. And you were worried. Lowkey truly worried. Because there was so much on that line: your friendship with Christopher (one of your best friends), Christopher’s relationship with your Richard (his band mate and best friend) and your relationship with your brother. But all those worries vanish when Chris leans in to press a soft kiss to your forehead, your nose, and then the corner of your lips.

“Step number one.”

[selfish-thunder]

+ I've considered transitioning before, but I always let the thoughts of 'oh, what will ____ think of this?' get to me but now, my urge is growing stronger and I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl. / So, I guess my question is, how does one fully decide to start T? And although I'm uncomfortable with how I am now, should I just wait post-graduation to begin identifying and begin transitioning, as doing so now will be denied and cause more problems than I already have?

Hi!!! Oh goodness, I feel honored you feel safe reaching out to me. I assume the other anon was from you, too, but I’ll put my reply to this one.

I hope I do good by you, and I'm sorry it's taken me a while to answer. I'll reblog this a few times in hopes you see it. 

First of all, I want you to know that I completely support and love you. And yes, will support and love you no matter what you decide for yourself. You can completely be whatever gender you ARE without any physical transitioning whatsoever, point blank. For whatever reason. Transitioning and identifying as something aren't mutually exclusive. I'm sorry you aren't in a position where you can just go ahead and do what will make you the most comfortable, and your concerns are valid. They directly affect your quality of life, so it is definitely a big decision.

So, I guess my advice is...

First of all, people may surprise you. (You can also be a little sneaky in how you come out to people, even though it's probably cheating lol. When I came out to my mother, I opened with "You told me you love me unconditionally. Is that still true", basically letting her know I was about to put that claim to the test. At the end of the day, she doesn't understand, is confused, but will stand by me.) 

And I totally understand how thinking "what will x think" can hold you back.So, I'll tell you something a friend told me once that was extremely helpful for me. Don't think of it as "coming out", but rather you inviting someone into your story. Being trans is especially difficult if you decide to transition because there is a period of time where you don't have the option of "being out" because one look, and people can guess. And that time is from starting hormones until about a year or two later, so again, your concerns are valid. Regardless, just because people might make assumptions based on appearance, that doesn't mean you have to let them into your story. You don't have to tell anyone anything if you aren't comfortable with it.

My next bit of advice would be, find an adult (I'm assuming you’re a teenager, so my apologies if you meant school as in university) or a teacher who you trust. It may not be someone you've interacted with a lot, maybe just had for one class, but if you feel like this person is reasonably open-minded and accepting, you can go ahead and let them know there's something on there. Not the full story if you don’t want, but something. 

I did that with my boss and a few of my coworkers so when going to HR, I already had support. If you decide to transition, you can then approach the school and offer a willingness to work with them, and you can show on the record that you were agreeable and reasonable (COYA, in case they're a bunch of dicks). 

There's also a ton of resources. 

For example, where I live, there's a thing called the "TransBuddy" program that is a bunch of volunteers willing to help, such as going to doctor's with you, helping with legal name changes and gender markers, schedule appointments and be an active voice explicitly to support you. Go incognito and see what's around your area. From my experience, a lot of people are willing to come to you if they're in a different town. Just please, please, please be safe. Ask for references.

If you do not feel comfortable or safe doing your own research for whatever reason, I am happy to try to help. (I’ll try to already put together something of national support and things anyway, maybe a lot of people can use it...)

As far as what to expect during your first few months...

For the first few months, expect your body to sweat a lot more (your scent will change too, and the sweatiness last a long time, tbh), you'll start to grow hair (EVERYWHERE I swear), your face will probably bloat some, and your voice will start to change a little (ie, start cracking when you talk, etc). You may find yourself happier and less anxious because you're finally starting HRT and finally getting to be the person you want, but t can effect emotion too, such as finding yourself more easily irritated or what have you. So if you notice a change in emotion reaction, just keep that in mind. And you'll grow your own Adam's apple (I don't know why people actually think they're implants?????)

After about six months, your emotions should even out. Your voice will continue to drop, most likely, and growing facial hair will be easier. Your face will also start to harden then (probably might bloat so more), becoming more masculine. After about a year, your Adam's apple will probably be prominent, facial hair common (even if it's not thick yet), and then is usually around the time people begin surgeries if that's what you want.

Keep in mind, your doctors will start you off on low dosage, and you'll work your way up. Also please keep in mind that, though you can stop hormones at any time, so effects will not reverse, such as growing facial hair and your voice. 

Even if you stop t, those will remain how they are when you stop. Just something to keep in mind.

So yeah, it's a big decision, but I don't have to tell you that. I would look for an LGBT clinic, or at least an LGBT-friendly clinic, and get all the info from a licensed doctor before officially ruling one way or another. 

Please, please, please note: If the doctor is making you uncomfortable, feel like they aren't listening to you, or obviously tries to sway you against it because of their own personal ideals or opinions, find a different doctor. Politely thank them for their opinion, and feel free to discard it. A doctor should put your health and your mental health first, and dysphoria is a real, legit, big, and sometimes dangerous thing.

Which brings me to my last bit. 

There are lots you can do to feel more comfortable in your body other than transition or doing HRT. Binders and packers (my packer is awesome, I love it so f’ing much) help me as well as just wearing men's clothes. Having a support group helps tremendously too. Also, having a gender-neutral presentation may help too. For me personally, I shrugged off the expected feminine appearance years ago. I unintentionally got people used to seeing me without makeup, wearing big boots and flannel. Them finding out that I'm now on t caused most of them to be like, "Huh, yeah. I can see that."

So, if you only a little bit longer to go before you are able to graduate, move to a more supportive place, and politely start to break away from those who would deny you or make you feel unwelcome just because you dare to be who you are, then that could be a game plan of sorts. It was for me, at least, at work.

I mean, this is your LIFE. This is who YOU are. Be honest with yourself, yes, but there's nothing saying you can't be clever about it. Right now, it's the summer, so you can some time to play with your appearance and how you present yourself before you have to go back, if that’s something you want to do.

The most important thing is you do what is best for you, for your health, both physical and mental, and when it comes down to it, you don't have to invite anyone into your story. I can't advise you as to what decision you should make because that's yours to make. Again, though, whatever you decide, you have my complete and utter support.

And for what it's worth, to this blog, you are a man with he/him pronouns for however long you want. I have yet to meet a trans person who at any point thought their journey was going to be easy, but it definitely doesn't have to be lonely or unnecessarily hard. You are allowed to ask for what you need, to ask for help, and to tell any adult - any person - that they make you feel unsafe and you request to deal with someone else. Please be safe, make sure you map your exits, but don't be afraid to stand up for you.

If you need anything, feel free to reach out. You can DM me, too, and I promise to keep anything we talk about confidential and offer you a safe, nonjudgmental space.

[charmingstrangeness]

I'm so sorry, I missed the writing ask meme! If you still feel like answering questions, I'm sending 3, 5, 9, 15, 23!

oh pfft don’t apologize haha it’s all good! thank you for sending an ask, i’m always happy to answer!!

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

g o d this is so hard to choose you have no idea????? i’m just gonna drop a whole bunch of my favourite bullshit here (each bullet is also a link to the fic it’s taken from)

all of the dialogue from the oso zine fic tbh but especially during osomatsu’s narration

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” he corrects. “And yes, I would have woken you up. I’m here because I need your help.” / “I’m not a trained psychiatrist, Zura. I can’t give you the help you need,” Gintoki deadpans.

i’m very fond of the fight scene in the first chapter of the nightmares fic i genuinely feel like i did a good job with that

stealing dialogue from the iconic “that’s no moon” scene in a new hope for sakamoto and mutsu

“You’re an angry sack of potatoes, is what you are”

“Where did that idiot headband learn to play volleyball from, Free! Iwatobi Swim Club?”

the entire opening scene of the crossover fic i had no idea breaking the fourth wall to roast yourself was so much fun no wonder it’s a staple joke in gintama

5. most popular fic this year

this is actually tough bc i feel like it was distraction or pacifists are the best mediators as those got the best response overall when they were posted but i guess technically speaking by the numbers it was eating cheese before you sleep will give you nightmares. that being said tho it is a multichap and it didnt pass either of the other two in terms of hits or kudos until like, super late into the fall, and both are oneshots

(ao3 stats is putting distraction at the top of hits and kudos for 2017 but that’s because i just published a chapter of nightmares so it got bumped to the 2018 stats lol)

9. longest wip of the year

oh definitely the crossover fic - i know i’ve been publishing chapters but i have nothing written past what i’ve already published so it counts as a WIP hahaha. currently it’s sitting just shy of 14.5k words, all of which were written in the fall of 2017.

if we’re only including 100% unpublished stuff though, my longest WIP is that one gintama multichap i’ve been dying to write (aka The Long Fic). it’s sitting at about 7k words right now? damn and i’m only on like chapter 2 that thing’s gonna be a beast when i finally finish it and start posting

15. something you learned this year

mmmm probably the importance of having a personal reason to write a fic? for one thing, now that i can’t just sit in my room and write fic all day like i could in may i really need prioritize – if i’m gonna put the effort into writing something, it needs to be a story that i desperately want to exist, or a a piece that benefits me as a writing study or vent fic, or i need to be writing it for someone else (like for someone’s birthday or a zine).

also – and debatably more importantly – having a personal reason to write and publish helps when audience response is lacking. everyone knows i think it’s very important for creators to absolutely not measure their quality/worth by audience response, but as human beings who thrive on validation that is definitely something easier said than done. i learned that firsthand this summer, ironically with the nightmares fic – i had exactly zero comments on that fic for months, until i posted the fifth chapter in the fall. it was super discouraging & i came very, very close to falling into the “well obviously no one cares about this fic i should just stop writing it” hole over the summer. what ultimately saved the fic was the fact that i’d been using it as a style study for descriptive imagery and serious content. so i focused on that, and kept on writing, and then in the fall a whole bunch of people appeared out of the woodwork telling me how much they enjoyed it and looked forward to new chapters.

so yeah, that was an important lesson – even if you know you cant rely on audience response for validation, it’s still discouraging to not get any response, so a good way to get around that and finish your project is to have a personal reason for the project to exist. also, having a personal reason can help prioritize what projects you start when you have to balance your time with care.

(the other lesson, of course, is that thinking for even a second that people dont appreciate your writing is bullshit – comments i got in the fall concretely proved all my doubts about my writing from the summer wrong, so moving forward it’ll be easier to believe that people enjoy my fics even if they dont ever get around to saying so)

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

i had a really cute idea for a birthday fic for shinpachi but i was too busy in august to actually write it ;; i want it to exist too much to abandon it entirely so i’ll probably just write it and publish it sometime in the coming months lmao (birthdays are meaningless in gintama anyways since the characters don’t age so w h a t e v e r)

i was realllllly hoping to write another part to the drinking bet series in the fall but i didnt manage to get anything even to a WIP stage

i have like 5 ongoing WIPs that i was hoping to sort out over the fall as well. i had such high hopes for myself this fall idk why? like we all know the only reason i wrote so much in may and june was because i was literally unemployed and isolating myself after a breakup so i had a fuckton of spare time on hand. i knew i was moving in the fall and would have a job and a roommate to socialize with i dont know why i expected myself to get so much writing done lmao

[illyriantremors]

1/3 Okay, I'm going to try this again. Sorry if I repeat myself? I don't remember exactly what I said! Anyway, I think Feyre DID feel the mate bond, however she didn't register what it was. Remember, she had been basically TORTURED for months – and then abused both emotionally and mentally. Yet she was still clinging to this GUILT that she was a traitor for catching these feelings for Rhys. That would give anybody a reason to conceal their emotions, and to AVOID thinking about it.

2/3 Which could mean that she did not mention in her thoughts, so as to not give that thought any power/control over her. Similar to Rhys, who completely BANISHED the thought that she was his mate in fear that she would be done "such unspeakable things". I even think she was AFRAID of what it meant. Afraid of being 'chained' and 'trapped' with somebody for eternity. Mid-through ACOMAF, she's still figuring out what the abuse she received DID to her and why it could NEVER happen again.

3/3 It gives her the right to be concerned about being with somebody for forever. Rhys WAS her friend – but Tamlin WAS her first real love, too, and he definitely hurt her. A lot. So when she began catching these feelings for Rhys, she must have felt guilty because of Tamlin, and because of how STRONG her feelings were. I'm sure the mating bond magnifies those sort of feelings, which explains how she fell in love with Rhys in a relatively short amount of time for immortals. So I

4/4 think, despite everything sort of pointing towards the fact that she must NOT have felt the mating bond/not as strong as Rhys did, I'm sure she did. At first, her suffering enabled her from doing much other than... suffer, and then eventually I believe sometimes the feelings she describes ARE of a mating bond, and that she simply doesn't realize it. Thoughts?

Yay!! All of these messages came through, woo-hoo! :)

I think you bring up some really great points. But I also think we’re sort of looking at two different issues here and I think I probably need to sort of separate out what I mean by she doesn’t “feel” the mate bond.

Definitely you’re right - Feyre is aware of the bond and just doesn’t know what it is. But how much of it is she really aware of? When I say that Feyre doesn’t feel the bond, I mean she doesn’t see it, does live it, does breathe it the way that Rhys does. For Rhys, he feels the bond lock in to place for him on that balcony at the end of ACOTAR. This never happens for Feyre until they sleep together That’s the first time she sees and feels the bond as a tangible thing. And it’s that difference that bothers me. Like why would it take her so long for it to click or if it doesn’t click, she should at least be questioning some things? I mean, it’s a powerful feeling and Rhys is consumed by it, but Feyre isn’t? But then again, maybe it’s more potent because it clicked for him and not for Feyre, but like why was it so easy for him to have it click when he’s been under just as much duress/suffering/abuse as she has? Is it really just the simple fact that his 500+ years make considering a mate bond instinctual whereas Feyre’s 19/20 human years have no clue about mate bonds? I think that’s a poor excuse, personally, given how powerful the feeling of the bond is, but anyway, text...

When I went to leave you... I think transforming you into Fae made the bond lock into place permanently. I’d known it existed, but it hit me then - hit me so strong that I panicked.

- Rhys, page 527, ACOMAF [describing seeing Feyre on the balcony at the end of ACOTAR]

Again, he pulled out, then thrust in.

“You’re mine.”

Again - faster, deeper this time.

I felt it then, the bond between us, like an unbreakable chain, like an undimmable ray of light.

With each pounding stroke, the bond glowed clearer and brighter and stronger.

- Feyre, page 533, ACOMAF [55 - you know the one]

Rhys knew about the bond beforehand, just like Feyre. Feyre sort of... didn’t.

Yes, Feyre feels the bond between them in a shallow sense - Rhys uses it to “call” her, send emotions to her, etc. But she never really feels it or sees it for what it is. The mate scene continues off this passage and shows how that bond becomes clearer to her because in that moment - they’re mating officially, so of course now she gets it in full force. But I think right before it does, Feyre finally has her ah-ha! moment like Rhys did on that balcony. That is what is missing for me in her story, the fact that Rhys has felt that full weight of the bond pressing in on him for so much longer. Feyre felt it when she died (she tells the Bone Carver this) and she feels it again - blatantly uses it - when Rhys gets shot out of the sky. But it doesn’t quite lock into place the way Rhys describes at any point and once both those moments are over, she goes back to not knowing.

And I just... ????? Why? It seems so unfair. Rhys has just as much baggage in his life to distract him, yet he knows the second he meets her on Calanmai! I don’t expect Feyre to know right away or anything - she is human and wouldn’t be looking for a mate bond, but at no single point between then and the Suriel does the bond overwhelm her to the point that she wises up a tad? They talk about mate bonds periodically and she never once wonders? Never once thinks about Rhys’s parents and goes, “Funny how she almost died and a mate bond saved her life... NOT UNLIKE ME.” I just wish she was slightly more cognizant of it.

And I think it’s hard because definitely there are moments throughout ACOMAF where she senses Rhys and picks up on certain things about him. But how much of that is the bond? How much is the bargain? That surely confused her too. I think she writes a lot of their interactions off on the bargain and unfortunately, there are things in the Hybern scene that give some of those suspicions validity (in my opinion). I feel like these two are so hard for a mate bond study because the bargain and the damaeti aspects make the bond so convoluted.

And you are right! You are so, so, so incredibly right that Feyre is SUPER DISTRACTED and coming out of a lot of trauma! If you removed Tamlin and the abuse and the things that she endured UtM, and then placed her in a setting with Rhys that didn’t have so many risks and constraints and old emotions tied up in it, maybe yeah she would have seen it faster and actually felt it lock in place.

As far as guilt holding Feyre back goes - yes and no. I think it holds her back from loving Rhys for sure. She narrates this multiple times. And if holding herself back from loving him means she is held back from the bond, so be it. But again, Rhys felt that bond before he ever fell in love with her (Calanmai), so I’m inclined to think that the guilt was less to do with the bond itself. But yeah, it totally stops her from loving him in moments.

That guilt also wasn’t there in the early Velaris/Night Court chapters. She still hated Rhys at that point (and in some spots, swap the hate for just strong dislike to eventual neutrality before we get to the falling in love portion). I think Feyre did have guilt in those chapters, but she wasn’t in love with Rhys so I think it was more guilt that she left Tamlin at all, which leaves her open to that mate bond again and she doesn’t feel it dang it. But as you pointed out - she’s under a lot of stress and pressure and so yeah, totally distracted! All I can think is that it’s the distractions coupled with the damaeti power coupled with the bargain coupled with her human awareness/knowledge that prevent her from seeing it and it eventually clicking! into place.

BUT I AM STILL BOTHERED BY IT BECAUSE THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND RHYS IS THAT RHYS HAD A FAE UPBRINGING THAT TAUGHT HIM ABOUT MATE BONDS. [Not yelling at you, nonnie. Just yelling because *frustrated*]

Like - they literally are in the same boat and yes, Rhys is way more experienced and aware in general of fae things, but... Feyre, why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m hard on her, but I’ll be curious when we see more of Elain what happens.

TL;DR I have too many questions about mate bonds and not enough answers. I think that for as much as Feyre grows and recovers in ACOMAF, it’s odd that she never once questions the things she’s feeling and that she’s not able to feel the bond click! like Rhys until they’re basically boning when he felt it at the drop of a hat. Whether her human head knows about a mate bond or not, if a bond clicks, it clicks and that’s that even if you don’t know what to call it. I just feel like this should have happened for Feyre without having to be told or whatever. And even once the Suriel tells her - she still doesn’t feel it. She runs away, yes, but still it takes her getting naked with him instead of seeing it when she returned to the cave and saw her mate dying right in front of her or when he shows up on her doorstep at the cabin and bawls their love story out at the kitchen table for several pages of the most heartbreaking angst ever - FEYRE WHY DIDN’T IT EVER SNAP FOR YOU BEFORE THE SEX WHY WHY WHY DO YOU NEED AN ORGASM BEFORE THE CLICKING CAN HAPPEN - OH WAIT YOU TRIED THAT IN THE INN AND EVEN THEN THE MATE BOND WAS LIKE SCREW YOU NOT GONNA HAPPEN LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED FOR RHYS HE HAD NO CONTROL IT JUST HAPPENED FOR HIS PARENTS TOO THEY HAD NO CONTROL BUT THEY FELT THE BOND CLICK AND THEY WERE DONE FOR SO WHY NOT YOU TOO??!?!

I feel like this got really incoherent, i just... *sigh*, It seems like something you can't control? Even if you don't know it's a mate bond, like it seems like you see the person, you feel the thing, you're screwed, but Feyre's just like nahhhhhh, I feel no things, like she feels things but never the THING, the interlocking thing in her stomach that makes her physically stumble backwards and take a breathe, that tells her that her very soul has just been reorganized. If Rhys’s parents can have that happen to them having never ever met in their lives, no love between them, no relationship, nothing, then why isn’t Feyre compelled by the universe to feel it too?

Sorry. I have a lot of feels about this.

xx