#anyway yeah help ig lol
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genuinely i could not sleep until i drew this. sewing jokes ft a very confused kirby
at first i thought this idea was silly but i mean. it probably would be a big deal for the prince of patchland to be made of synthetic fibers, so uh
bonus doodle of me when i actually am sewing lol (sorry for the anatomically incorrect iron)
#yeah it’s anatomically incorrect (like everything i draw) because i really didnt feel like getting a reference#okay here’s your explanations#singer and brother are both sewing machine brands lol#inter facing makes stuff stiff#smth not cut on the bias won’t stretch as well (basically he’s saying they’re not flexible. i didn’t mean literally but ig you could#interpret it that way. idk whatever)#tulle is a light and airy fabric yea but it’s also a bit stiff and scratchy so…don’t tell kirby that i guess#anyway these made me giggle and i lost sleep because!!!#I kept thinking about them for so long#and now ive had awful insomnia all week and have hardly slept lol so hoping posting this will help (I wish)#but i have more ideas so i might do more later#kirbyposting#kirby#prince fluff#king dedede#also fluff just looks angry a lot i promise he isn’t#can interpret as kirfluff#btw i suck at sewing so feel free to correct me
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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today i got to attend my first surgery and it was amazing. now i need to lie down for a thousand years
#MY LEGS. I CAN'T FEEL EM#we got to observe multiple operations so that was fun#though they were all plastic for traumas#we're probably gonna check out different departments another time#but yeah something useful finally!#the staff was really nice and helpful unlike the usual lol so that helped#anyway. ig it doesn't all suck anymore#sary rants
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me + mayhem going on a stupid silly hike for my stupid silly mental health
touched grass and i am normal again (lying)
#i will get back to drawing soon let me just sleep for a few years shdjhkfds#anyway photo credit to mayhem again i cant take pictures to save my life lol#btw the caption is obvs reference to that one hike video tiktok i think so credit to that also its not my joke#anywqay it was nice did help me a little bit#been feeling a bit down due to some personal problems ykno#and also due to not being accepted into a med uni I rly wanted to (but didn't put enough effort I'll confess) and that almost no one getsin#but i was only missing one point o(-( i was the first in line outside the capacity limit hasjkdhsahd#even tho my brain is rly small for it lets be real hfjsdfhksd but like hhsdjhshdjkhd those biches at physiotherapy baited me hdsjd#mqf i have failed you lol#also i have accidentaly gotten back into one piece as I do for like two weeks periodically every few months or so dhjsdhk#so im revisiting my olde blorbo trafalgar which is just reminding me of a fact that this was one of the fuckers my itty bitty young self -#- wanted to pursue medicine beacause of lmaoooo#bad timing one piece fixation!! bad bad!! sdhhdjshdjakshd#whatevrrr whatevr whatevr io dotn care! enough of that hahhskj#but hey as some of u may remeber im czech so haa whats up with the mountains right since we are very cute and 'down to earth' state hahaha#its cuz its actually from austria :))#we went hiking there since theyre co by kamenem dohodil as they say#fuck english has the exactly same saying im moron that ruins my whole thing hjdsk 'a stone's throw away' whatever ignore that ig hahhah#so yeah very beautiful very powerful go touch some grass lads#also they are not stones throw away i was lying but close enough-#also random czechs stop jumpscaring me in other countries challenge why was there so many of us horrible horrible horrible
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I found some ocs from when I was 17 years old and very bored, I'll be insufferable about this for the next 6 months or so, I'm so sorry
#I might record my journey here#there's sooooo much lore#I'm not even joking there's some drawings and LOADS of text following them#and it's adorable how I tried not to make the main two characters look in love but their introductions are so fruity#yeah there's the genius guy that's descended from a wizard and very much not interested in anyone#and there's the time travelling guy who was the wizard's nemesis and he's trying to get back to his time period with the help of the 1st guy#and of course they become obsessed with each other but they're ✨best bros✨#even the girl that the time traveler is supposed to fall in love with was very clearly a lesbian lol idk#lil me was very insecure about being openly fruity ig#anyway I'll elaborate on that later on#again I'm so sorry#oc lore#oc stuff#oc
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Physical flashbacks are so weird like "hey the body and amygdala want you to know! *you involuntarily recoil as if the Pain is happening despite there being no actual physical pain*"
And then you have to act like nothing just happened because technically nothing actually happened???? Like how is this helpful
#like brain body i love you but stfu#like fr stfu why is this happening to me the shit im thinking about either didn't happen or was Very Long Ago#well the stuff that didn't happen ig how would i know#but also it doesn't fucking matter!!!! im thousands of miles away!????#i shouldn't have to feel this way why is it interfering with my Life#it's legitimately debilitating but god forbid i seek any supports cuz im too functional normally to deserve help#that's what it feels like anyway#it's not fuckin fair lol i can do it but it's hard#vent#yeah thats what this tirned into lmfao#im not like distraught just. annoyed mostly?#but i promise it's not that serious#Normal For Our Condition type shit
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seeing as december's a day away and that means ~holiday season~- i have a bunch of old binders of various makes & sizes (some idk origin, a few gc2b, anywhere from XS to L?, diff colours/types) that i wld love to give to ppl who need them. i can update this l8r with more details but ig i was wondering if anyone wld be interested or knows anyone in need? id be willing to ship within canada, maybe to the USA for small enough pckg. otherwise i'll just donate to a local binder exchange but i figured this way if anyone is in particular need it's nice to know im directly helping ig!
i also have some rolls of biege kinesiology tape if that's of interest either in itself or in addition.
peace n love on planet earth
#they shld all already be clean and have just been sitting in my drawers or on my dresser for yrs lol#but i cld wash them once more jic ig?#theyre in various Condition like ones looking a little rough and a couple have pit stains LOL but otherwise r great. some may as well b new#the not gc2b ones are like.. as far as i know i got from someone local who was working w wholesale/manufacturer in china to help ppl get#affordable decently working binders so. they have like. bra hook type thing up the side. fairly breatheable. not the BEST compression but#i found them helpful esp after yrs of binding bc i cld just unhook or make the thing bigger whenever needed break ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#the sizes on them might be like. different too so ill have to measure but yeah.#id also be down to sell for cheap or for sm1 to pay the shipping like thats cool for me too.#the reason i have so many is bc my weight kept fluctuating then needing the more adaptable ones n fsr dude gave me Many#n i was binding daily n liked having clean ones yk. if i wasnt binding i was layering sports bras. eventually just started taping. etc.#anyway yeah lmk. feel free to share/rb/reply/whatever.#and if this gets 0 response thats cool too just figured id give it a shot here b4 donating local thatll figure it out for me lol#ew ok here come some tags bc i realized it cld use them huh:#trans#transmasc#transmasculine#ftm#transgender#trans ftm#trans ftnb#trans ftx#is trans like xtm or xtnb a thing for like. intersex ppl? or are there other terms/words?#ftr im not a big fan of ftm/ftnb etc as a label for Myself or in general but ppl who do identify as such all the power to u#the only benefit of 'ftm' to me is how its a good way to get info u need bc its used w surgeons and other resources n makes it easier#but like the Implications of it are . irksome ig IS THAT THE WORD IDK? feels like a step backwards or playing into cisnorm stuff IDK lol#ermmm ummm uhhh#binders#chest binders#ftm binder
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good morning 🥺
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#sorrey ... not active ..... lots going on but also not (?)#IDK anyways i've reconnected w an old friend who's a childhood friend bcs shes the daughter of my mom's friend ^___^#she said she's gna get into the 1975 more !! but she's alrdy going to the arctic monkey's concert soon which is super cool#and i rmbr our mom asked me and lune if we knew them too <3 but we didn't know there was a legit concert SOBS#yeah miss her a lot and it's sweet how wnvr we do reconnect a bit it always so happens we're into the same thing of sorts :((#AND THEN! wow idk i've grown a lil less hesitant. somehow. idk. literally replied to the story on ig of a guy ik but haven't talked to in ag#ages* purely bcs he kept posting like woaaa based game and then ff6 best ff so i was like SO TRUE but have u played 14#and he has NOT but does want to and then wow we could have had a lil convo but i left to watch a movie sorry bro <//3#what else ... hmm ..... WELL. an old friend from all the way in 6th grade. okay so we often message each other a bit just like 'hey wna be#grpmates' or smth like that and that one time where they gave me a lil help for the chem grp work and i'm like. just comfy talking like#myself fr BUT THENNN messaged me sometime last week bcs. like smth w a grpwork and they got anxious they did smth wrong#bcs no one in the gc replied to them (sorry i didn't either SOBS) T___T ended up turning the convo to 'hey wt abt i finally try to talk w u#properly more' and HELL YEAHHH we both r the kinds that talk/type a lot but sometimes dip and disappear how lovely /gen LMAO <3#idk. uhm. with the school fair we have booths and shifts for the booths and my group is the one with uhh the 4 kids who i'm often groups#with and they're all the. yk kids. ppl who i'd get along w and i've been classmates w all of em b4 but you see they're a grp of friends now#RAGHH ONE OF THEM IK LIKES PERSONA (MULTIPLE?? IDK. they once were like yo apollo u seem like u like persona lol#IDK WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN but yes i do have akechi and ren charms on my backpack for school#AND THEN ONE is into like gi pjsk a lot of rhythm games and gacha mobile but all like uhh. yeah? tot love live bandori ... still cool fr tho#she's rlly nice tbh lol ^___^ wait tbh all of them are HELP but uhm idk but it's nice when ppl r nice to me#tbf that's literally how i got my first crush BUT WE DON'T TALK ABT THAT !! yk sometimes i unconsciously wonder abt her or look for her and#then i did see her again after a few months since seeing her early in on the school year bcs shes in basketball and i hung out at the uhh#covered court w my best friend whos in another varsity bcs we stayed late at school that day to help out w fair preparations!#i refuse to like her again but i realize i like that familiarity with feelings and uhmm yeah shes cool ig i kinda wish i was less. uhm. shy#back then? you see i barely cld talk to her ... LIKE. she'd be like. heyy! and do shit sometimes and i WOULDN'T TALK or just smile and#mumble RAFGHHHFHFHDHH but she'd say hi to me and include me in things and jokes and it made me rlly /@!(@/'dmdkzn okay#AND sometimes when i do talk back I am SOOOO GODDAMN AWKWARD GOOD GODS anyways now i'm like. less awkward. or maybe i've just accepted it n#i'm cooler now B) and a lot more confident zEjfhejdjsnk. yeah. and uhmm yeah that's it#BUT YEAH nice classmate she asked me for a hug once lol and i notice she's affectionate w her friends n it reminds me of m y own bestie awhh#she sometimes talks to me which i rlly appreciate even if it prolly seems like i hate her sorry i just suck w talking
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maybe if i play y7 ill be normal <- played y7 four times this weekend, a decidedly not normal thing
#snap chats#'snap how many times can you play y7 in a week before youre tired of it' do you wanna find out together#i had a horrible night last night. ok not a WHOLLY horrible night but something trash did happen and i woke up still groggy bout it#i dont like sulking about the past but sometimes i cant help it and it aint fair to myself to act like i can help it. sometimes.#i gotta be candid just for my sake last night i got real upset with my friend because when i say she tests me She Really Does#and i hate getting angry cause then i just feel like my mom and at that point i figure itd be better if i slipped on ice and broke my spine#generally im good at controlling my temper but everything just testing me and i broke down and it was embarrassing as hell ☠️☠️#so yeah thats gonna bother me for a few days LMAO#'snap it aint that deep' it AINT and thats why its so annoyin cause i KNOW it aint that deep yet i still cant argue away how i feel#all i can do is try to ignore it... like plying y7 for the 11th time.....#i cant ply it now tho i told myself id work on a commission a bit so. maybe later...#i already started another file yesterday- or was it two days ago ???? idk i just know im up to chap 5 in it#chap 5 always give me a damn headache its so LONG at the very least the benefit to having my friend over and raising my blood pressure#is that i start to remember things to do from a y7 speedrun. like i dont hound her on what to do obvi i just let her play#its just lil notes to myself. tho she does tell me to give her tips and exploits when i can LMAO#anyways.. im gonna go work ig and try to feel like crummy bye bye#i wanna stream.. maybe i will this evening before my evening class.. lol.. we'll see but probably not
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Man I've been so sleepy
#im so sorry if ive seemed down lately lol im just so sleepy 😭#also dealing with the horrors but thats the usual at this point#i think its a combination of me not sleeping that great? and also this medicine ive been taking#to help with congestion in my nose#love a weather change + coming down from covid#its kinda annoying though cause i wanna interact more on here :[#my askbox been kinda quiet lately (so so sorry to that one anon)#your question has been sitting in my box for a while 😭 its a great question but im just kinda nervous about it#but yeah september man. not fun#its also annoying because i am finding its affecting my drawing#AND i havent been able to ramble about blorbos :[ even though i have thoughts especially my lad#anyway idk why im making this post lmao im just bored and talking into the void and updating yall. ig.#and yeah apologizing if ive been like negative lately. yeah#love yall ill try get some sleep might help fight the drowsiness
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Thinking abt my teenage years .
#and the tumultuous feelings#I came across some drama scene lol and got reminded of boys. like. as a genre#like teenage boys. they r. insane#abt how ppl do things that are unnecessary as if they are oblivious but i rlly wonder is everyone really oblivious#also maybe im just really easy to win over like do i stand a chance against the fitnah of this world man#i rmemeber this kid. A whole grade below me. the new board member for my friend's club. I was helping her w/ club stuff on the computer#(he was also tall and kind. that. was the problem. not to be a sterotypical Girl. but)#and this kid casually just. leaned over me and put his hand on the mouse (on which my hand alr was)#like. how do u do that. casually. unintentionally.#obv i pulled my hand away and avoided him since lmao cuz. who wants to catch feelings for a whole 10th grader when ur in 11th grade right#ig thats why it was a shock to me. i thought boy-crazy mali would just like whoever it is she talked to first. and yet here i am#having talked to at least 3 million guys on 3 million blind dates and yet found none of them attractice#attractive*#is there smth wrong with me lol. maybe i just like the idea of guys. and not guys that i actually might end up with lol#lskdfjalkfd#anyway ig was living my best life these past few months being too focused on not feeling well to think abt boys as a genre#cuz yeah what a waste of my morning today thinking abt all this garbage#💀💀💀 oversharing again oof its been a while since i felt the need to do that man#i swear shaitan waits for Friday to whisper stupid stuff into my brain#like. let me live i just wanna read surah kahf and teach my classes ugh#delete later#uhm also like. ik its a 10 year old story but i hope to god my friend isn't following me aldkjfaskdjfaf#can u blame me tho. i was. like 15 or 16#it was much easier in middle school there was only like 15 boys in my grade and i disliked them all
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yk what i just realized?
i accidentally wrote pandora with a slightly altered version of my issues pvnjkdml
i noticed it but not All of it
#haunted ecosystem#i forget sometimes that the way *i* think it's the norm and thusly i'll write characters that follow my thought patterns and well.#you wind up with a lot of paranoia lol#like i knew i unintentionally made pandora autistic-coded but yeah i also mightve given him the paranoia & delusions & hallucinations too#though the latter was partially influenced it was still like. organic ig? thats terrible phrasing.#unrelated but why is it so hard to find more. non-specific paranoia positivity posts#like i know its a symptom but cmon.#anyways what if i wrote a fic and actually posted it anon. what if i wrote the fic ive been itching to write since the thought came to me#its not even like. questionable. im just afraid of opinions bc it involves a lot of projecting onto a typically 'strong' character#sigh. i probably will write it. probably wont post it.#maybe i'll finish that one fic thats rotting in my docs from the year before last when i last hit rock bottom lol#okay anyways enough talking to myself in the tags#ily whoever reads this i hope you have a good day and please remember its okay to ask for help when you need it. dont be like me
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they r soooo. anyway
#lol um anyway . i kissed them for the first time yesterday but it literally feels like a yr ago but it also feels like today#on a bridge at night against a cityscape. river looked like a painting...etc it was nice . and then. yh theres a lot to talk abt#so i dont wanna say it all rn bc im tired but yeah. they r . sooo. pretty cool etc etc. whatever im fine im just . angry that i dont get to#see them that often bc they live in a diff city etc. also took them to a spot which usually is like . relatively busy bc london is busy all#the time but it was cold and it was at night so there were like 0 people there. the view was so good but other things were better#also kissing smn w a vertical labret is actually just >>>#lol en ee way i miss them#im soo overwhelmed w life rn and theyre not rly helping but like. in a good way#i told my friend to lmk if he notices that im becomjng too engaged w romance to the point where im neglecting academics#and he immidiately said it. like according to him im thinking abt her too much when i should be thinkint abt philosophy too much#which is like. idk if that's true bc ik he has a rly skewed perspective bf he kind of swore off datint#etc but at the same time . wbat if hes right. omg. but also let me have this Moment#that was last week when i was forcefully taken to manchester by a university society . like we hadnt even kissed yet#i fell asleep bc ive been so exhausted and when i woke up i realised they briefly appeared in a dream i had#and then i started tearing up out of Fear bc like . whenever ive lost smn i loved the dreams were the worst#like . good dreams. were horrible. and now its like what if this turns out horrible ? but i dont wanna self sabotage bc i rly rly rly like#them . i gave them a rose and on the train home i could stop staring at their hands holding the rose#and i know theyve liked me for months and i know theyve been waiting for months but somehow its still like#what if it just fades. whatever happens happens ig. i took them a leaf compressed in a poetry book from#a book shop we found on our second date tgth. they gave me a necklace w a small vial and a tiny flower inside#its so pretty. thinking abt the way they put it on me + when they wrapped their arms around me when i was cooking for them etc etc#im FINE its FINE its OKAY . whatever !!!!!#[chroma blue]
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.
#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery#S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD#luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends#also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that#and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting#bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they#don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!!#and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i#am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year#but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food#and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does)#i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions#and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school#like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise#anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in?#i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk#and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc#so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am#and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again#so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo#also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like#hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works#so here we are yes#<3
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HR and my boss is probably gonna wonder why I never spoke up about one of the chemicals causing me a minor asthma attack and coughing fit and it's because I not only took care of it myself with my inhaler(but still had a persistent cough for the rest of the day) but also I do not speak up for myself and have learned, through the way I was raised*, that I'm going to get yelled at or brushed off more often than acknowledged if I do speak up about these things so I just. Don't. I keep it all to myself and figure out how to fix it myself. Anyway I hope they actually accept my doctors note without any further question so I can go back to work since mom and dad can't and we have no other way to pay for rent :T
#*not really raised but like just experiences ig?#she also asked if i can wear a mask working with these chemicals#but honestly not really? maybe for up to an hour without any sort of break but you can be stuck in those bathrooms for a while on busy days#always using chemicals#i only mentioned one chemical bc i just woke up but also i couldnt even remember its name cuz yknow i just woke up barely 30 mins ago#and a mask isnt going to just fix this problem obviously this hr lady doesnt have asthma or personally knows someone with asthma#anything could trigger it#yeah a mask really did help that one time i cleaned the bathroom myself but also i stood away from the chemical as best i could bc i was#still scared it would flare up my asthma pretty bad like it did when i used it before#the spray i use for the tables is smelly but i work outside anyway so the fresh air and wind really helps to keep it away from my face#(except those times when the wind blew INTO my face lol)#i honestly cant wait to quit tho#all depends on how mom's surgery goes but i think i wanna apply to the library if theyre hiring by time i quit#its not loud or crowded often and i like that#im also considering hot topic or box lunch if theyre hiring#talkies
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is it really really stupid to give her the gift. i know she’s not worth it and im making myself feel like shit over and over and i need to stop and it doesnt matter how sad or angry i am about it she’s not just gonna dump him and even if she did i wouldn’t like. want to be the second choice (not that i inherently would be. weirdo dream scenario) and it’s just not gonna affect her much to not see me anymore and i have to be okay with that. and im truthfully not rn but i have to be cause that’s the reality. anyway lost my point there
#like. i just cant imagine class being over monday and just being like. ok bye forever ig. or not rlly saying anything#idk guys im sorry i know ive gone on and on and on nonstop for months#it just sucks#even if i think back to monday like. it's classic baby steps of leading me on and i fortunately for once didnt nip at the bit right away#but just the little ways she looked at me and smiled or joked around. kinda flirty. just for her to yk#post the bereal today and hes in it and its like 'wait let me get a shirt on' so just blatantly fucking yk. didnt even have to do my sleuth#work. and like. i know maybe ive overreacted to a lot of it and over thought it and she really didn't intentionally do a lot of it#and wasn't ever confused or anything and i just told myself that to justify being sooooo bonkers over it. idk#so it's like. with all that in mind. no i should not give it to her i should just walk out of class and not talk to her again#but the wounded part of me the 17 yr old in me is desperately asking why it's so easy for someone to get over me#but she was never into me! or at least not enough yk. she has a boyfriend. and that yk. shouldve been enough#but i got so lost in all these little signs and feelings of tension and#i guess. lol look at me abt to say this. doesnt help to dwell (lol!) but who knows if it was mutual some of those times when it just Felt#tense. yk. or if she just has problems and really liked the ego boost#cause boy did i make it fucking easy to enjoy my attention! and i never ever ever shouldve done all that bc she wasnt mutually engaging#at least not till like. october. and only briefly. and i just. ugh#anyway :( whatever. i know the answer is no. i know it's no i know i shouldnt#but as i was saying. the wounded part of me wishes i could make her feel even a fraction of the hurt or even just fucking regret#but not pity. but regret for being an asshole. if i could just say something as my final word or something and still be dignified#but i just dk how that would happen. so. yeah#hopefully this is one of my runner up last posts about her#film girl saga
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