#anyway: probably a scam please don't donate!!

[wellsbering]

i've been going through prismatic-bell's blog to try to piece together exactly what happened to make xir think that reporting someone to the FBI for terrorism with zero evidence was a logical course of action, and i came across something i felt like i just had to pick apart here. i thought about responding to the post directly, but i don't want my notifications to get overrun by zionists (i mean, that'll probably happen anyways, but...fingers crossed)

if you don't wanna read this whole long thing where i explain why this specific gofundme is indeed trustworthy, at least share & donate to muhammad's campaign here

first, what kind of fucking racist brain worms do you have to have to see an arab man asking for help and think that it's "threatening"?

what, exactly, is threatening about this screenshot? saying the honest truth, that being unable to afford medical care for a serious injury could make an amputation necessary??? asking someone to share a link on other social media to increase reach??? using ALL CAPS, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET DO FOR EMPHASIS?? please explain it to me.

and then, of course, we have Zionist of the Year prismatic-bell's response.

most of these grammatical inconsistencies that prismatic-bell seems to think of as damning proof (mixing up 1st & 3rd-person pronouns, mixing up "hand" and "arm") are probably not things that someone who doesn't speak english would catch. tell me, tumblr: which of these do you think are "he" and "his", and which do you think are "i" and "me"?

if you're unfamiliar with the arabic writing system, you have zero clues to go on, right?

some of the people sending these asks are copying & pasting english text they see other people using to ask for donations (this is what led to that other scam controversy with bassel). learning a new language is fucking hard. trying to proofread their own messages in not just a foreign language, but a foreign ALPHABET, is not a good use of their time when they're in a warzone and desperately trying to ask anyone they can for help. also to elaborate on the hand/arm thing, it's not that fucking hard to find his gofundme, which contains photos of his actual x-rays.

you can see the shrapnel in his arm. reverse image search only brings up 5 results, 4 of which are tumblr posts linking to this gofundme, and one of which is the gofundme itself.

the bullet is in his arm. as you may imagine, having a bullet strike and break your arm is going to impact your ability to use your fucking hand. muhammad has nerve damage as a result of this injury. so yes, surgery is necessary. you can't really fix nerve damage with a simple round of antibiotics.

"ALSO also also: has nobody in Gaza heard of antibiotics? Why are we going straight for surgery?" is so fucking patronizing. yes, everyone in gaza has heard of antibiotics. unfortunately, antibiotics don't randomly spawn in hospitals like a fucking video game, they need to be TRANSPORTED there, which impossible to do when israel is blocking nearly all humanitarian aid from entering the gaza strip. this is why there are so many amputations being performed in gaza right now. they are running out - or in some locations, have already completely run out - of basic medical supplies.

also, by reading the gofundme description, the "rebuild" vs "evacuate" bit becomes clear: his family needs to rebuild their home, and he has to leave gaza to get adequate medical care. in other words, he has to leave a dangerous place that is being bombed to get to somewhere safe where he can receive medical treatment. if only there was a word for that. perhaps one that starts in evac- and ends in -uate. if only!

regarding the emojis: personally, i don't use a ton of emojis in my writing. but again, considering the aforementioned language barrier, is it surprising to see a lot of emojis? those are at least something that make sense in every language. they also serve to break up a big wall of text that people might otherwise scroll by. i have adhd, so sometimes if a long post is broken up with an occasional ❗ then my eyes will be drawn to that, and i will actually read that sentence and get put back on track.

i don't think i need to get into the "outed as a scammer" bit, since that's been thoroughly debunked. even blogs dedicated to identifying scams on tumblr, like kyra45, consider el-shab-hussein and 90-ghost's vetting process to be reliable and share their lists of vetted fundraisers.

and finally: "People can be bought. Accounts can be hacked. Maybe they used to be honest. They’re not now." this wording seems to imply that all blogs dedicated to palestinian gofundmes are dishonest? it's just as ridiculous to say "every single ask you get is a scam" as it is to say "every single ask you receive is legitimate". a blanket statement like this only serves to continue to undermine the legitimacy of the many REAL GAZANS who are asking for help to rebuild their lives.

i hope this clears some things up if anyone was confused about the legitimacy of some of these asks. the long and short of it is, it's not that hard to just look up a person's blog and see if a trusted person, who actually knows what they're doing (unlike prismatic-bell), has verified the legitimacy of their campagin or not. to be honest, i think that automatically assuming every ask related to gaza is a scam says something about the way you view palestinians. and it's not pretty.

[saszaszeszi]

Tw. Vent post, talking about the war in Palestine, sa mentions, sh mentions

I got an ask about the situation in gaza and Palestine asking for donations. I'm already suspicious of all these asks, as some of these before turned out to be scam using the situation and I rather donate to well known and trusted charities and people than someone i don't even know is saying truth.

Also I'm broke 18 yo saving to move out to collage as fast as possible. Also current situation makes me unable to find work, so I'm living on very limited amount of money until I'll find it. And i need most of it to move out safely and don't end up homeless, which would probably result in dropping out.

Situation in Ukraine and news already made me scared and overwhelmed, especially cause our country shares border with Ukraine. I'm not gonna lie, I want to help, really. But I'm not able to do it and keep myself safe. I know it may be egoistic and all. But also answering i know I'll post it. And most my followers are fellow vent blogs, young mentally ill people. And i know it may trigger some or make them very uncomfortable.

Fuck it. I feel useless cause i can't do much. I can't donate to everyone in need, i cant fight I'm way to weak and coward. I don't want to rebloge posts with images of the war or anything which may trigger someone. Jirai community and vent blogs aren't maybe safe spaces, but i want to handle it as gently and safely as possible. And i know it will trigger someone, especially in my environment.

Hell it even sometimes trigger me, sometimes i cut myself cause of sa mentions in these posts and all. I know people should see it. It will help with getting help and reaction, but for some it may be way to much. Even tho i blocked these tags sometimes i see still info and news about it on other platforms, news, by friends or even still on tumblr. It was the whole fucking reason i couldn't stop cutting myself for two weeks straight. The strangest thing was when they used #matura2024 hastag on twitter. Its litteraly exam on the end of hs, why use it to send photos of dead children without even any warning? Many people who wrote mature still were mostly 17-19. Not really a good portion of group to help.

I don't really know what to do already. I really want to life in peaceful world without wars, suffering and evil but it's not possible. I can't stand thinking about suffering of others and whenever i try to cut this topic off it comes with double impact. I just don't want to get triggered or flashbacks from traumatic situations from my life. Neither I don't want to feel egoistic and useless for it all.

Medical aid for palestine

Anyway, if you can please donate for palestine and don't feel bad if you can't:

Palestine children relief fund

[sovereign-skyy]

sigh

I don't want to do this, but unfortunately, someone has to.

As most of you probably know, "I can't believe it's not girl cum" made a statement three days ago addressing their unethical means of acquiring their plant-based substitute. I have linked it below for anyone who wants to read along, but I will be providing excerpts where relevant.

There's a lot to unpack here, so let's start at the beginning:

In my previous post addressing ICBINGC and their malpractice of safety an ethics, I accused them of not paying their workers (the Puella Toxicodendron Radicans, poison ivy girls). In response they said:

WHICH IS CRAZY!! YOU'RE FORCING THESE GIRLS INTO A FINANCIAL SYSTEM COMPLETELY MONOPOLIZED BY YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE 'THEY COULD GET SCAMMED'?! IF THEY ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO DECIDE THAT FOR THEMSELVES, THEY SHOULDN'T BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

So a failure on addressing the unpaid accusations. Not as bad as I thought it was, but still highly unethical! They have created their own autocratic society and are keeping these girls locked up for their own profit!

The rest of the statement consists of two parts:

Distracting from the issue at hand by invoking charity

Distracting from the issue at hand by trying (and failing) to bring down other alternatives

Firstly, they try to distract by bragging about a charitable donation of one million dollars to stop the extinction of the Puella Toxicodendron Radicans. Now, I would find this an admirable use of money for most, but for a company that is ACTIVELY EXPLOITING AND ABUSING THE SAME SPECIES it feels a bit hollow.

Secondly, they point out the 'dangers' of crowd sourced alternatives. They mention two things:

First of all, yes they do verify the non toxicity of the girlcum, otherwise they wouldn't be allowed to sell it! Also, cum purity is a highly misogynistic concept that we could all do without:

SOME GIRLCUM IS GOING TO BE THICKER THAN OTHERS

THAT'S THE NATURE OF GIRLDICKS, NOT ALL OF THEM ARE THE SAME

SOME LITERALLY HAVE DIFFERENT CLASSIFICATIONS OF THICKNESS AND YOU CAN CHOOSE WHICH ONE YOU WANT

'no purity control' my ASS.

SECOND OF ALL, no they aren't liable for any injuries caused by their girlcum, but any STD-related substances and allergens are systematically removed from it, so you gotta try REALLY hard to actually get hurt by this stuff. Yes choking hazard bla bla bla but at that point it's your own fucking fault. FURTHERMORE, Cum Together! (which is the most reputable source of crowdsourced girlcum and the one I will use as metric) has published a guide to safe consumption of their product here:

Their statement doesn't mention other conventional sources of girlcum so I won't touch on it either, it is not relevant to the conversation at the moment, even with the recent girlcum factory explosion (you can read about that here).

I'm not even going to start about the flavors, I hate the flavors it's trying to sanitize sex and I despise it.

AND THROUGH ALL OF THIS, THEY MANAGE NOT TO ADDRESS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: THE FACT THAT THEIR PRODUCT IS HIGHLY TOXIC AND WILL KILL EVERYONE WHO USES IT REGULARLY WITHIN A FEW YEARS

DON'T USE THIS STUFF!

Anyway, that's your girlcum PSA for today. I hope it helps and PLEASE DON'T SUPPORT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT GIRLCUM!

tl;dr: ICBINGC is an autocratic regime for plantgirls that still kills people and they're pieces of shit, use Cum Together! instead

[dumblemonchickenwing]

I really love your art. You portray the emotions of characters very well. Your composition is also very pleasing.

If you ever consider doing commissions I'd be first in line for them! (Only if you wanted to do them of course, I know running commissions can be a busy process)

Thank you for such kind words, anon, you're really generous

I have been considering opening commissions for donations, if that's okay with you, you can commission me in this way. My DMs are open for this purpose as well

Since no one commissioned before, I am willing to do a sketch for 1 dollar I can even do a fully colored clean drawing but it'd be for a higher price. I may start working on a commission form for better information, but if you don't need this you can just DM me on tumblr

short information under cut:

- I can send my progress to you so that we can discuss if there are some mistakes in my W.I.P. before it is done

- Art references, though preferred, are not required

if the commission turns out bad, I can compensate with an extra sketch for you

I roughly estimate the time needed to complete the commission from 1 day to 1-2 weeks, depending on the complexity of your request.

Where can I donate?

A goodle doc with vetted gofundme links

The blog that has useful information regarding vetted fundme links 

The blog that has useful information regarding legitimate funds and scams

Or You can make a donation to other campaigns that you trust.

What and whom I can draw:

- Any fandom character (with references)

- OC

- A ship art ( including self-insert or an OC x canon ship)

- Platonic friendship art

- Suggestive art (up to discussion)

- Blood

I can even draw a small sketch comic (with 2-4 panels) if that's what you need

Things that will probably not turn out well:

- Overly detailed design and mecha

- High quality body anatomy (pecs and musces), I can't do that yet..

- Realism and portraits

- Cultural and traditional clothing

- backgrounds (I don't have good experience drawing backgrounds)

I won't draw:

- NSFW works

- Explicit gore (but blood and very mild gore is okay)

- Self harm art

- Hateful art (i.e. telling someone to kys even if it is in character)

- Political art

Prices (minimal amount of donation) :

Sketch (bust) / (full body) - 1 USD / 3 USD

Rough color bust / full body - 5 USD / 7 USD

the other types of commission I'm not sure would be desired but I can price them too

How to donate and send me proof:

(there is a guide on how to do it ; you can send me the screenshot of a donation in my DMs) Overall I should know it was you by the name of the fund and date of donation

I won't be fighting you nor denying you donated, I also won't accuse you if you accidentally donated to a scammer, it's not my job to police that, ill do the commission anyway

I have heard that for some funds it takes a long time to process the donation, (it could show up much later after you donate sometimes) I will keep that in mind too

[troublesjunkyard]

Trouble, I kinda feel like an asshole.

Over the time I've been on Tumblr, (almost a year) I've gotten quite a few asks (over multiple accounts) from random people asking me to donate money to them for whatever reason.

I usually just delete the asks and move on with life, but I'm starting to get really tired of them.

There's about a 50% chance that they are just trying to scam, and the other 50% of them are actually struggling and need the money.

But those random people who randomly select my ask box annoy me a lot.

Like, I get it, you're struggling, but so am I!

I can barely afford to take care of myself and you want me to donate money (that I don't have) to you?

I'm struggling just as much as you are but you don't see me randomly selecting askboxs to ask for donations.

Then again, I hate asking for help.

That's part of the reason I have such a hard time at school.

Because when it comes down to it, I feel like a burden when I ask for help; whether I'm asking for help with my math or something more important like a bad injury.

If I fell down a 10-foot hole and couldn't get out without help, I would probably die in that hole because I didn't want to ask someone for help because I would feel like I was an inconvenience and a burden.

Anyway, I got off-topic.

Do you think I'm an asshole for getting annoyed at the donation asks?

My worries come from the people who send asks and are actually struggling.

I probably shouldn't be so harsh about it, but as I stated, I'm struggling too.

Maybe not in the same way that they are, but struggling I am.

I want them to stop sending me those donation asks, and I feel horrible about it.

I don't know why either.

Maybe it's because I've seen firsthand with people struggling- my brother, Tylre, he was in a tough spot; he didn't have any money, and he had a toddler and an infant to take care of.

My mom took in Tylere, Shay, (his girlfriend) and their two kids.

She didn't ask him to pay her money for staying there.

My mom took in him and his family for free so that he could get a new job and save up to move out on his own again.

Tylre has moved back in and moved out at least 3 times since the first time he moved out after becoming an adult.

My brother Alex has moved back in and moved out 2 times since the first move out.

I've seen firsthand of people struggling; and not just any people but family members.

And my mom has always been there to help them, even when she herself is having a hard time.

...

Why do I feel so bad about this?

Why do I feel so bad about not wanting people to throw donation asks into my askbox?

Is it because I've seen firsthand of people struggling?

Or is it another reason entirely?

Oh.

See, I typed all this out, then checked my notifications.

When I clicked on your ask, I half expected it to delete all of this.

I wasn't actually expecting it to put me right back here with all of this still typed out after I hit post on your ask.

...

Oh well. :/

Hey Dakota, I still hope you're okay.

First of all, I can understand your struggle. It's hard to see if something is a scam or someone who really struggles. I always look up if this person is a vetted donation. At least it's what helps me with deciding.

Second of all, don't forget you're a minor. Some things are hard for you to manage or to help. You don't really own your own money.

And your family is struggling. You don't have the resources to help even if you want to help.

That don't makes you a bad person. Just because you can't donate doesn't mean that you don't care. So no, you're not an asshole.

You're feeling bad because you know how it is to be at the limit. At least it's how I see it in your text. You guilt tripping yourself.

Please look out for your mental health because I can read how this affects you... Talk if it gets too much. You know where to find me.

Take care and try to get some sleep

(^-^)/💜

[discoasphodel13]

Hi there! I know that this is literally out of the blue but im asking for a favor or some help w/ my cats current situation. Please boost/share it for us so that we could get some traction or it could reach more people. I understand if its not okay, so sorry for taking some of your time and I wish you to be safe and healthy, xx.(Please considering answering my ask privately or probably send me a msg! 😭🙏

Okay, Ive heard a lot about these but didn't think I'd ever actually get one.

‼️‼️This is a scam! ‼️‼️

i followed someone who reblogs a lot of scam alerts, and it's just. Confounding that this is such a big problem on here.

Anyways, it's a scam because:

Random person I've never seen before asking me to reblog their pinned post which is a donation post

the donation post is about a pet (these people are really heinous and will try to manipulate you by having cute pet pictures right next to body horror graphic images usually)

They sent me an ask but ALSO want me to NOT publish it publicly, and instead to "message them privately" which translates to --

--- "I do not want people who are searching for the wording of my ask in the Tumblr search function to realize I have copied and pasted this message and sent it to dozens If not hundreds of users" --

Speaking of, any time you get a random ask like this for you to reblog someone's donation post, copy the text contents of the ask and put it in the Tumblr search bar. You will no doubt find dozens of other people who received the same copy pasted ask.

The super self conscious, constantly apologizing way of typing to play on your sympathies and lower your guard

Someone in the replies of their pinned post already pointed out it's a scam along with the scammers previous username of " vanessxndwich "

Someone where out there is a list of known scammer PayPals, I don't remember who made it but I can gaurentee you this person is on the list. It's a handful of people just constantly making new Tumblr accounts, stealing legitimate pet fundraiser information from the actual pet owners on other social media, and connecting it all to the same PayPal accounts.

Too long, Didn't Read: this is a scam, and you should report the account as spam asap. Any time you get an ask like this for you to reblog a strangers pinned donation post, especially if they ask for it to not be published, report for spam and block, and warn your followers.

[k9ok]

Hi, the post you reblogged from edinasirikale is a scam. A search of her name "edina sirikale" in the tumblr search engine brings up multiple posts calling her out for running these scams since last year. The price of insulin in the U.S. was recently capped at $35 per pen, so her request for over $400 is dishonest. (Even a pack of these pens would cost $105 plus tax, tops.)

Here's another post that mentions more of the usernames she has used to scam people. https://www.tumblr.com/savannahwiththegreenest-eyes/755665654280044544/gloriousdestinycollectoredina-sirikale-is-running?source=share

Please be mindful about the donation requests you post! My DMs are also open if you'd like some tips for distinguishing the fake donation requests from legitimate fundraisers.

I'm going to be completely honest with you, I tried to find the post I reblogged from edina sirikale and I did not find one. I don't think it's impossible I just missed it but I don't really care because I didn't reblog it in the past few months anyway, meaning you're telling me about this months afterI reblogged it and in which case feels kind of like a waste of time imo. Thanks for your work I guess, I'm sure what you're doing is probably vettable but I just don't really care enough to do anything about it.

[unicornprincessinthetardis]

Love all those posts that are like ‘it may ruin your blog aesthetic/theme but reblog this because it’s important’ and it’s like ‘blog aesthetic/theme? What blog aesthetic?’ Because as you may be able (<that auto corrected to 'blessed’???? wth) to tell, even though my blog colour scheme etc and URL suggest Doctor Who theme (I am a huge fan tbf) I basically just post and mainly reblog whatever I want and always the important posts, I’d never pass over an important post

(On that note please look in the tags)

[lilbit-of-kizzy]

Hey y'all always be sure to really check out blogs, especially if they rando follow then send you a "please check my donation post!"

They're getting smarter and adding bios/reblogging juuuust enough legit stuff that you might not scroll all the way down and realize it's still a scam

I've had 2 recently that only had stuff reblogged from today and on site looked legit (I mean I make a point not to donate unless I'm 100% and then some certain something is legit anyways but still)

Key things to look out for:

Only posts from today/a few days

No likes/follows tabs available

No previous mention of their pet! This is a HUGE one! If it's such a beloved pet....why do you have one (1) post about them?

The exact same pet pics over and over. If you see one then immediately switch over to someone else who asked, like 70% of the time it's the same animal

If you're really really not sure do a reverse image search, you'll probably find the pictures!

I know we all love animals, and love to help each other out. But don't let yourself be scammed! Don't interact with them, they'll just block you! Just block and move on. If you're worried about upsetting someone don't be, it's better to be safe and not line a scammer's pockets!

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[boofrp]

1 (more coming) I'm a little confused about your situation. I understand that you don't feel comfortable disclosing all the details with people online, although I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you're asking for donations. I realize mental health plays a big part in the reason why you're unwilling to get a job, but... If I were in your shoes, and I was stuck in a toxic environment, I would be doing whatever I could to ensure I was out of that situation.

[CONTINUED] Sure, offering resources for small fees can be helpful, but there are people out there giving them away for free - so how far can that really get you? Eventually, you’re either going to have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and do what’s best for you, so you can escape the toxicity, or you’re going to be stuck there forever. Personally, I think it’s time to grow up and realize you’re not going to make a living off of selling resources. I just think it’s very unfair to those of us who are working for our own money, and I believe you’re completely capable of going out and seeking employment. Yes, you have issues - but so does everyone else. There are people who are way worse off than you are, I’m sure. I’m not trying to be rude, but I’ll admit I’m a tad bit suspicious. A piece of me believes you’re just trying to get whatever you can out of the community, as if they owe you something. You’ve been known to lie before, therefore I just can’t trust your story and accusations. Sorry.

   i actually wrote a long ass reply to this but because my computer crashed right before i was about to post it, i lost everything and need to start again lmao. ANYWAY. i never once thought that in a community that is branded to be a “safe haven” and an “escape from life” that i would be thrown some bullshit like this at my feet, making me feel anything but safe or comfortable. honestly there are few messages i have received during my time on this account that made my stomach drop to my feet. this includes messages coming straight out and telling me to kill myself - that i can handle.

 but something like this, honestly made my stomach drop and i hope you’re happy because when i first read this last night i began gagging/feel nauseous and then had a full blown anxiety attack and breakdown. now i’ve had some sleep and i’m not reacting as badly as i did at first to this message but i’m still shaking and feeling incredibly sick because: fuck you. now i really hate explaining myself and trying to “prove” myself to people that really do not deserve the time of day from me, but i guess i should have expected this because there are some really fucking toxic people in this community. lets get to the fun part, my actual replies to the points made in these horrible messages !!

POINT A: “if i were in your shoes i would be doing anything to get out of your ~toxic~ situation” --- first of all, be fucking thankful you are not in my situation because it SUCKS. it really sucks and experiencing this level of pain on a daily basis whilst trying to remain positive is really fucking hard. and guess what? YOU’RE NOT IN MY SITUATION. therefore you have no right to sit back and play commentator on everything i have said and done. let’s get that straight. now i have fucking tried to get out of here. let me make you a nice fucking list because you probably won’t settle until you have all the information from me.

>>> i have applied for ten jobs in the space of two days, all of which i was qualified for or they offered training for if i wasn’t. all of the answers were the same: we have filled the spot or you’re not what we’re looking for. and i have to admit my resume is pretty fucking lit because of all the things i achieved before my mental health destroyed my life. >>> i have babysat for a woman who years ago traumatized the FUCK out of me one day and i don’t want to go into specifics but it was really hard to put aside the fact that she made me run home in tears to my mum when i was 12 for a stupid reason. >>> i have considered asking my sister if i could move in with her. get this, any other time i wouldn’t even think of it because: a) she lives in a small three bedroom house - by small i mean really fucking small. b) she has a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter as well as herself and her boyfriend so you can imagine how much space they have already taken up. OH and she’s having another baby so they would be struggling to even fine space for them. c) i know that if i live with her i will only be able to have a suitcase of my possessions and would have to sleep on the floor, yet i still consider it and am close to asking. d) i have practically lived with her for a month and had a complete breakdown at the end because i was treated like a babysitting machine instead of a human and being an introvert, when spending so much time with people i need time for myself to regenerate but because the house was so small and the children wouldn’t leave me alone - i broke down. >>> i have done things to get $5 that i do not want to talk about because i know that if i even told my family i would immediately be disowned and i am not proud at all about what i’ve done to EAT FOOD. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. >>> and lastly, i’m asking complete strangers for money - something that i have struggled with all my life is asking people for money, even asking my mother for $5 for school when i was younger invoked anxiety. but here i am.

POINT B: “sure you can offer resources for money but how far is that going to get you? people already make them for free” --- do you REALLY think i came into this thinking that selling resources was going to pay my rent? do you REALLY think i’m dumb enough to believe that i could actually live out on my own with just commissions from people online in exchange for pixels that will be meaningless in a few years? HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? you know what, $5 every now and again isn’t going to pay for my funeral insurance or my wedding in a few years, but $5 NOW is going to buy me a pretty decent fucking meal for once, it’s going to buy me a part of a ticket out of this small town. in the long run, $5 a week is going to add up and its going to HELP. also, there must be a reason more people are taking commissions each day - because there are actually people in this world who are fucking KIND and i like to believe in those people. paying commissions isn’t even buying my resources to me, because i know these people can get it anytime they want for free. no, it’s like a pat on the back or like paying someone a tip. IT’S JUST BEING FUCKING THANKFUL. if i had money i would be tipping my friends all the time. but i don’t.

POINT C: “it’s unfair for those of us who are working for our money” --- i’m,,, sorry. IS MY MENTAL ILLNESS A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO YOU? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY HALF OF Y O U R LIFE, MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY IN THE WORLD? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R FRIENDSHIPS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS TURN Y O U R CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENTS INTO APPOINTMENTS WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND FINDING WAYS TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOL LIFE MORE COMFORTABLE SINCE YOU WERE LITERALLY TWO STEPS AWAY FROM KILLING YOURSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MORE TIMES YOU CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U ATTEMPT SUICIDE TWICE BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN SIXTEEN? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS EFFECT Y O U IN YOUR WORKPLACE TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WERE CLOSE TO GRABBING THE NEAREST PLASTIC BAG AT YOUR REGISTER AND PULLING IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U BULIMIC AND ANOREXIC? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE IT HARD FOR Y O U TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT WANTING TO FUCKING DIE? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R BODY IMAGE? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

POINT D: “you’re capable for going out and looking for employment” --- please refer to my next answer to another anon who is a fucking dick too.

POINT E: “you’re just trying to get shit out of the community cause you think it owes you something” --- again... FUCK YOU. what the fuck have i done to make you believe i’m that shitty of a person? and if i was trying to scam this community out of money or whatever the fuck you think i’m doing, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THREE FUCKING YEARS IN THE MAKING, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW I COULD MAKE A FEW CENTS USING ADF.LY LINKS. i have lied about things in the past, but things that i a) owned up to and b) were NEVER about my mental health or my living situation. i’mm fucking SURE that if you go through my blog you will find me talking about how fucked i am in life. this isn’t some story that i shit out yesterday for money, for fucks sake. if it seems like i suddenly have all these problems - i’m fucking great at pretending i don’t want to be alive and that i hate myself.

POINT F: “i’m not trying to be rude” --- YES YOU FUCKING ARE. IF YOU WERE NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SELF AWARE OF IT AND PUT YOURSELF ON ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IF YOU KNEW THAT THIS WASN’T RUDE, YOU WOULD HAVE COME OFF OFF OF ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. but of course this isn’t fucking rude it’s just picking away at my life and trying to make it sound like i’m a fucking asshole because i am literally suffering in my own home :~)

     you know what? there is no way i can possibly come to a nice conclusion about this message in a sentence or to. so here is all i’m going to say: a) i’M NOT COMING TO YOUR DOORSTEP AND ASKING YOU SPECIFICALLY TO HAND ME OVER $2 SO I CAN BUY DRUGS OR WHATEVER THE FCUCK YOU’RE THINKING and b) YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING DESERVE AN EXPLANATION FROM ME BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. i don’t know what the fuck you want from me. my family is in $7k debt from my mum’s boyfriend’s mum’s funeral a month ago. do you want the fucking death certificate? do you want to see the flowers we got from her funeral insurance? DO YOU WANT A WHOLE FUCKING LIVESTREAM OF HER DEAD BODY BEING LOWERED INTO THE FUCKING GROUND? OH FUCKING HELL, DO YOU WANT TEXTS THAT GO BACK YEARS BETWEEN ME AND MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF ME CONSTANTLY TELLING THEM I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD WHAT I EAT IN A WEEK? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD MY MOTHER TELLING ME I’M BEING FAT AND TO STOP EATING? DO YOU WANT ME TO HANG MYSELF IN PUBLIC JUST SO YOU CAN FUCKING SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IT? i don’t know what the fuck you want from me and what your great plan was when sending these messages, but i hope you’re fucking happy.