#anyway. i have been thinking about the demigirl label too and i think it’d be funny if i started using that

[ectoplasmer]

squinting really hard at that egogender label again

[mcrmadness]

At least I kinda confirmed to myself that I am nonbinary when I did one of these Picrew tag games the other day, but I haven’t posted it yet because I didn’t find a correct hair and it ended up looking too masculine (for my liking). Like it literally looks like a guy. I’m afab but I always identified as a girl when I was growing up because I was ever only given two options and I knew for sure I was not a boy. And I still don’t (fully) relate to guys. But also not to gals.

I also remember that on Tumblr I identified as a demigirl for some time but then it just moved even more to the middle until it yeete out of the whole thing and since then I’ve been using the term nonbinary but my actual... feel of my gender is closer to agender than anything else. Most of the time it’s just me having no gender whatsoever and my body has nothing to do with my gender and I couldn’t care less about how it’s like. Some days I guess I kinda return to the binary as I feel more masculine and feminine and it really depends on the day if that is a good or bad thing. I love big t-shirts and big hoodies always but some days I’m feeling perfectly fine in a bit tighter t-shirt (but still fantasize about buying that one in a bigger size) but then there’s also days (usually the PMS/period days when everything in my body just gets so bloated...) where I just don’t feel like myself in that tighter t-shirt at all and either just keep taking off and putting on my hoodie nonstop, and some days I just feel that today’s a day for a big t-shirt so I don’t even bother trying on the tighter one.

I don’t use the word trans about myself because I kinda feel so disconnected to my body thanks to dissociation that I barely even notice having a body ever, so it doesn’t cause me dysphoria either. (HOX: This does not mean that I’d think trans = have to feel dysphoria - not at all, I actually think it’s idiotic when people say you need to be in mental pain in order to be “allowed” to be trans. It’s just that personally I don’t feel good about using the word about myself because someone close to me is transgender and I don’t feel like transitioning myself, I don’t feel that I miss body parts or have unnecessary extra ones. Sure I do absolutely nothing with my boobs nor uterus but it’s not that I’d feel getting rid of them for gender reasons. There’s also lots of ciswomen who think theirs are useless. Also, I kinda don’t want to steal the label from this person, and don’t want anyone thinking it’s a trend or that I’m copying this person and don’t want anyone to take this person less seriously just because someone else around them realized afterwards that hey, I’m nonbinary btw. So, that are some of my personal reasons for not using the term about myself.)

My issue is more of the body dysmorphia. There’s things in my body I don’t like but it’s not about gender. That’s also why I don’t feel that I’d need plastic surgery done because I would never be happy anyway. I have talked about this with the said trans gender person and the clear difference between dysphoria and body dysmorphia is that in dysphoria you see the true body and you know what has to be done in order to look correct to match the body image in your head. With body dysmorphia you already see a distorted image in the mirror and no surgery can change it because there’s always going to be more things that are wrong - when nothing was actually wrong to begin with.

My ideal body image in my head? Well it’s an interesting one, but when I look at myself from the mirror or think about how I see myself, all I see is a caricature. And I don’t trust mirrors or cameras, there’s always something wrong with them and if I look like “myself”, I just think I look so hideous I can’t show this to anyone. If I think I look fairly nice for once, I feel that I don’t look myself = hideous, I can’t show this to anyone because then they think I look nice when in reality I’m more like a monster and they’d feel like I lied to them by showing photos where I look like a human. 

I can’t deal seeing photos of me with other people or seeing my reflection when I’m with other people. I can’t deal with seeing my face with an expression that is not my neutral bitchy resting face. If I do that, I start to dissociate the second I saw it and I feel that all the joy is sucked out of me. I already had this when I was a teenager and I hated the mirror that was there at the school wall and I walked past it every time. I always dissociated so hard when I saw myself with others. So often I walked past it with friends, saw myself smiling or laughing and then I just... wiped that smile off because it felt so wrong. I was never able to really explain what it was but I guess partially a bullying trauma because I always felt that seeing myself having fun with friends was not acceptable, and I felt this enormous... I don’t know, self-loath? Something that was all about how I don’t deserve it, and that I’m stupid to think they are havng fun with me for real. I could only explain that as feeling like I was doing something very, very wrong when I was laughing or smiling because I had friends and I still am not sure where does that originate from, but this is the reason why there’s no photos of me with friends or other people unless it’s relatives. It’s very sad as it’d be nice to have some memories like this but I can’t because I need to either look like a serial killer or I start dissociating (depersonalization) because I look like a monster and I can’t recognize myself and I feel that people are seeing the wrong person there. Still I have absolutely no clue what I am SUPPOSED to look like. Like, I don’t really have a body image. I don’t have an ideal body image. I know what I want to do about my BODY but I can’t change my face because of the bone structure of my skull, so I’ll just look like a monster for the rest of my life.

So if you ever hang out with me as if any of you ever would bebecause I live thousands of kilometers away from EVERYONE asdddddddddddd, don’t be weirded out if you notice me avoiding looking into mirrors and other reflective surfaces if I could see myself from them with you. I just don’t like seeing those things because it distracts me and my brain yeets to dissociation and it’ll be slightly difficult to contact me for a brief moment then.

[saidbyes-blog]

( & * THE LIBERTINE !

( nina nesbitt. demigirl. she/her. ) // did you see who walked past just then ? couldn’t really tell from the distance but i think it’s ( ebony harrison ) actually ! the ( twenty-four ) year old is a little ( unreliable ) if you ask me but they’re also ( kind-hearted ). i heard that when they opened the capsule, they took out the ( watch ) that they’d left seventeen years ago. i wonder what that even means to them especially now that they’re a ( bartender ) ?

in the wise words of trixie mattel: aaaahhhh ! i’m so excited ijshjhnshns, but anyway -- hi ! i’m pace ( she / her ) and this little pain in my entire ass is ebony. i’ll try and keep this on the shorter side ( as i always make these things WAY too long ) both for your sake in terms of reading, and because eb’s story is a little on the sadder side at times, and tbh i don’t wanna dwell on it bc she’s not like ?? a gloomy character or anything ?? but ya i’ll try and keep it brief !

trigger warnings for death !

----- ❀ fun fact: i intended for ebony to be an adjusted version of a character i already had, and planned to mould her around the skeleton and the setting and whatnot, but....... that just didn’t happen ??? ebony came to me very quickly & i wasn’t even expecting her lmao ? so a couple of details are based on That Other Character, but the rest just kind of happened ?? me, playing a brand new character in a rp ???? sounds fake ??? what can i say my dudes the skeleton got me good 

----- ❀ her label is the libertine, meaning her item she put n the time capsule was the watch ! long story short, it was her dad’s, who died unexpectedly very close to the time of the carnival. he claimed the watch to be a family heirloom, but they found out after he died that that was bullshit, and it was worth nothing, and since he lied about it, the sentimental value was gone, too. not to be emo but the watch broke as he fell, so the hands are stuck at the time he died ( well, he didn’t die instantly, but it sure as hell wasn’t long after ) so that’s.............fun. fixing it would cost more than the watch was worth, so they didn’t bother. ebony’s parents had fought just before he died, and he’d been kicked out their home, so his parents blamed ebony’s mum, and ebony’s mum blamed herself, too, but she was so angry about the watch that ebony didn’t let it out of her sight ?? just in case her mum smashed it or threw it away. so when they went to the carnival, eb just kind of ???? had in on her ??? and she didn’t intend to put it in the time capsule it just sort of.................happened ?? but even though she was only seven at the time, she hasn’t regretted it ? like looking back on it now as a messy as fuck adult, it was the right thing to do ? he never took it off, so having it in the house would just be a constant reminder of ‘hey, your dad’s dead ! and he was a liar, too !’ so allowing her seventeen years to mourn his death and come to terms with it, and then getting her hands back on the watch, was smart ? obviously she didn’t think that far ahead at the time, but. 

----- ❀ she’s actually back in town because of the time capsule. ebony is always full of surprises, and anybody who knew about the watch, whether they put something in the time capsule too, or she just told them about it on her travels, might be surprised she’d go back to lorfield for a broken watch ? she,,,, cannot commit to anything ?? let along a tatty old watch ?? and when things get too real, or too tough, she just.........ditches. she just can’t deal with stuff, it makes her feel trapped and claustrophobic, and she just cannot deal with it ?? sometimes she just ditches hangouts and friend circles, and sometimes she’ll skip town entirely, it really depends. but anyway, the watch had lost some of it’s detail in her memory in seventeen years, and that alone is enough to give her a reality check, like how long it’s actually been, how important things can be, how she’s actually quite glad to  have the watch back ? she always thought it’d be bigger, too. like it’s a little bulkier than what she’d choose if she was just.............buying a watch, because she’s got thin wrists, but because she was only seven, she just ??? always thought the watch was bigger ???

----- ❀ anyway, her label. the libertine is defined as ‘a person who behaves without moral principles or a sense of responsibility, especially in sexual matters.’ on the main, and ‘a person, especially a man, who freely indulges in sensual pleasures without regard to moral principles.’ on the ol’ google. for ebony, it expands from just sexual immorality, into immoral everything, but including sex. she drops everything at any given moment, and does so with ease; she has no responsibilities and will own up to none of them even when they do become present. and morally she’s just.......... wrong ? she knows what is morally right and what isn’t, she just can’t allow that to influence how she does things ? she doesn’t  think before she does anything, which means that half the shit she does is on impulse, and is then regretted. she doesn’t think ‘the libertine’ is a very flattering label, tbh ? not because of the sexual attachments to it, or because of the flakiness, but mostly just because it’s true. 

----- ❀ personality wise,,,,,,,, she a mess. like i said, morals ? she doesn’t know her !!! she’s hard to be understood, doesn’t like anybody trying to understand her, but wants somebody in her life who does understand her. the problem is, she doesn’t even understand herself.  she really doesn’t mean to be selfish, she genuinely doesn’t, but she is ? but on the other hand, she’s kind ? pretty gentle ? very forgiving ? expels all kinds of confidence that she just does. not. have ? but she’s selfish and flaky and craves things she doesn’t let people get close enough to have ?

----- ❀ she changes her appearance quite a lot tbh. might take a hot minute for some people to recognise her at times, depending on what she looked like when she knew them ? 

----- ❀ tbh i can see a lot of the people she knows / used to know being all kinds of annoyed with her ? like it’s very much a case of, you think everything is fine, you’re getting on great, but then the real shit happens and oh look ebony’s gone. she just can’t ???? deal with anything ???? so she doesn’t ??? it’s infuriating, especially as a person who she may have ditched at some point ? and it’s so clear WHY she disappears. she thinks her problems will be left behind, but they just catch up to her eventually and she just won’t admit that maybe that means she’s the problem, and that she can’t just abandon everything all the time and expect that to fix things. there are so many things in life she can’t control, and it’s just so overwhelming to her, so when she can control things, like where she stays and who she’s with and who she wakes up to in the morning, she does ? and when she is called out on her bullshit, she’s so casual about it that it’s believable ?? and she knows she can’t be like this forever but owning up to it and putting a stop to it means having to admit it, and some things are buried so deep that it’ll take work to put them right or to deal with them, and it’s just so much easier for her to ignore it. 

----- ❀ i’m working on a full bio for her, but it may take a while since the last bio i wrote was about six thousand words ( yikes ! ) but for now, she has stats !

----- ❀ gender is messy and ebony’s just accepted that tbh. her pronouns are she / her, but she does appreciate it when people use they / them if she hasn’t, like, explicitly said what her pronouns are ? idk, she just doesn’t want people to forget that she’s not A Girl™ ? bc like just bc she presents femininely and mostly identifies as the gender she was assigned at birth, doesn’t make her any less nb ??? u know ??? like even pals she’s said this too, and they could even be nb themselves, she’s still convinced they’ll ? not see her as nb and just ?? forget she’s not a woman ? on that note, though, she doesn’t mind being referred to as a girl on ????? her own terms ??? like her mobile header literally says ‘sad girls club’ but ? on her own terms, y’know ?? anyway, if we could refrain from referring to her as like ‘the girl’ or ‘the woman’ in replies, that’d be great ! 

----- ❀ tldr: ebony is everybody’s least favourite messy, woke, flaky, but soft, angel forward slash demon, who has mastered the ‘art’ of a) never dealing with anything ever b) crying then acting like she’s never cried in her life and she’s fine five minutes later and c) subtly leaning over the bar at work, claiming it to be because she can’t hear her customer, but it’s actually so her shirt gets caught and gets pulled down a little. bc tips. plus fun. plus it makes her feel smug. i hate her. 

okay so..........keeping it short went well then. but i’m honestly so tired rn so this may not even make sense, and i may have to go to sleep and get stuck into replies and starters and whatnot in the morning, but i’m v excited to be here and plot with your kiddos !! i kind of lowkey suck at plotting, and messaging makes me anxious, but i shall try my damn hardest, and  H O N E S T L Y everybody’s characters look so fecking good i’m cryin

edit: i threw together a connections page, that i will update and do properly when i’m more awake !