#anyway. our pastor said he doesn’t really expect anything awful to happen this is all worst case scenario prep

[hiimcanadia]

wahoo I love being a fag 😇

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Prologue

Sometimes, dreams come in whispers, and those whispers don’t stem from selfish desires, but rather God’s promises. When that happens, God can answer even the prayers that you didn’t have the guts to put words to or wrote off as impossible or wishful thinking. His timing is perfect, so trust Him in the waiting. The days, months, or years it takes Him to set up the dominoes in your life are so worth it. When the time is right, everything falls into place in a way that will leave you in awe and unable to do anything but worship Him.

Tomorrow, I set out on a journey that He has been preparing me for over the last 3 years. It’s hard to surprise me, but God gets me every time--I was clueless to what He was up to until I found myself in front of an open door I never had to fight for. 

Pray for me, that I would take all that I learn from this leadership cohort and be fruitful, gladly yielding to His pruning throughout. Celebrate with me, for God has been good beyond measure. Read on if you want to know the full story!

November 11, 2016, I met A. Until the last year or so, I called him “Pastor A” (and sometimes referred to him half-jokingly as “Father A”), as most contexts in which I encountered him were within the church, with him at the pulpit.

In 2016, he spoke at a youth leadership retreat. The way he taught and spoke blew my mind--it was his understanding of how humans work, his uncanny ability to read all kinds of people and really get through to them, the way he ended every message with practical application exercises that grew all of us, students to young adults alike. Away from the pulpit, he was incredibly down to earth. I will never forget wondering, should I be concerned that the same man who left me awestruck moments ago with his preaching seems to have a lot of creative ideas about how to break into a car? Nah, this is way too entertaining. (Context: A was helping an uncle try to get into his locked car after said uncle lost his car keys.)

April 28-29, 2017, I couldn’t contain my excitement being under A’s tutelage again at counselors’ retreat. It was during this retreat that I learned about the company he works for, and the tools and models he uses to build leadership pipelines and empower people across all kinds of institutions, not just in the church. I was deeply unsatisfied by my career at the time. I felt lost and aimless in life. A shined like a beacon of hope, living proof that there could be something professionally worth doing in this world that actually connected to my passions. And then was born my unspoken prayer: How I would love to learn from him and do what he does one day. 

But you see, A doesn’t live in California, and I wasn’t planning on leaving. The competency gap between us was daunting. I had no reason to believe that out of all the people he met, he would take notice of little old me. Even if he did, why would he choose to invest in me? I decided to know my place and be grateful for the fact that he even remembered me and was willing to spare a few minutes of his precious time to check in on me over the upcoming years. 

At one point, he made me cry in public, and I thought it might be nice to not have that experience again--all the more reason to move on with life. (Context: He rebuked me for undermining my influence out of false humility as a group of friends standing to the side couldn’t help but listen in because what he was saying was that convicting, and it was the most loving correction I’ve ever received from a human being, but also embarrassing and really hard because criticism of any kind makes me initially feel like a failure.)

May 4, 2018, after a grueling 6 month interview process that in and of itself was a miraculous work of God, I signed the offer letter to my current company. Finally, I was a full time employee who would soon experience the full force of imposter syndrome and fear of selling out. But I also had the most clarity at this point in time that I was excited for this opportunity because I knew my purpose was to proclaim the gospel and establish His kingdom at work.

January 24, 2019, A somehow found my number (probably through my work profile) and texted me about coming to my company to start a leadership pipeline. He invited me to come to the introductory workshop on the 30th. I went. Even though it was material I’d already seen multiple times before, it still deeply impacted me. However, I decided not to join the 2019 cohort, and fell out of contact with A after February.

February 22-24, 2019, Ignite retreat. Pastor D, whom I also deeply respect and adore, returned for a second year as our speaker. I left retreat with 2 major takeaways: I need to journal, and I need mentors (plural). Pastor D taught me that mentorship comes in different forms, and paying to be part of a cohort or to take a leadership class is an option that I ought to be open to. The first thing I thought of was A’s leadership cohort, and I wondered if I had missed out. But I knew I hadn’t made a mistake, because I had no motivation to join that cohort, given that it was aimed at the specific context of developing me as a leader at my job, which was the last thing I wanted to invest more time into. Nonetheless, the importance of self awareness and guidance sat at the forefront of my mind for the rest of the year. 

June 11, 2019, I won’t explain in detail how serendipitous it felt on this day when God once again by no accident brought about a major turning point in my career. But this was the day that hope broke through. My manager started the process of helping me switch to a product I love. The transition happened officially on September 3rd. For the first time in 5 years, I actually found my job life-giving. I started to see a future here that I wanted to invest in.

October 7, 2019, I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but I suddenly realized I really missed A. I texted him to check in, half expecting to be ignored because of how long it had been (clearly, I still had issues believing that he cared about me, which now that I think about it, was probably because I hadn’t been useful to him for months, and my core Enneagram fear is that nobody would want me around if I’m not useful). I happened to check in right after he had completed his 2019 cohort, just in time to be invited to another kickoff meeting. The thought of mentorship was swirling through my mind again, and I realized I was in a place of genuine interest in joining the 2020 cohort. However, the financial barrier was holding me back. I was planning on buying a new car, I’m still paying for my Invisalign, and I just didn’t know if I was willing to take another hefty sum out of my budget.

November 13, 2019, I missed the entire kickoff meeting due to work, but I dropped by at the end to say hi anyway. All my fears and anxieties about being forgotten or unwanted melted away, and I realized on this day how much of a mentor figure A already is in my life. I told him afterwards that ever since I met him, he has shown up consistently at key moments/turning points in my life and given me the push I need to move forward. His existence reminds me that God sees me and takes care of me. He told me he’d be around again in December and actually have time to catch up, which is rare, given how packed his schedule usually is. He also encouraged me to consider joining the cohort this time. I promised to think about it.

December 10, 2019, we caught up over a casual dinner, during which A learned just how ridiculous my work life balance has historically been, how I believe that my experience has been unique because God has graciously given me all the time I need to fulfill His missional purpose for me at work, and how my passion lies in championing the people around me. Having heard my story, he went full big picture mode and basically told me to not only join the 2020 cohort, but to do so as his apprentice, that he may raise me up to one day be able to do what he does. He addressed every barrier I once had, and they were no longer an issue. The dominoes fell. 

My mind short-circuited as it took some quantum leaps down memory lane (imagine all the details in this blog post and more crashing into my brain at the same time). A stared at me expectantly, slightly amused but mostly confused as to why I was not visibly excited, but rather either at a loss for words or spewing nonsensical protest coming from a place of not feeling worthy of this offer. Honestly, I was in extreme shock that God would not only do the bare minimum of turning my unspoken prayer from years ago into a possibility, but that He went the extra mile to meet every condition that I added on top of that prayer before making it a reality. 

I helplessly looked to my friend sitting next to me to help me make sense of what just happened. He said something along the lines of, “Why are you looking at me? I think this is a great idea!” I still hit the brakes as gently as I could and told A I needed time to process, and I would officially confirm my participation with him only after I talked to my manager. 

I got manager approval the next day. 

Tomorrow, January 29th, will be our first cohort meeting. I hope to document this journey, my lessons and takeaways, so I don’t forget them, and so that I have a record of God placing down the next set of dominoes in my life.

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,158

Mm, it’s the final evening of the year and I think this may turn out to be a particularly sad one. New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday, you know? Well maybe you don’t know actually. I cannot help but love the mix of being wildly sentimental and anxious/hopeful, feeling extra aware of the year that has gone and the anticipation of what could happen in the one beginning. Glitter and tiny dresses and sparkling grape juice and a big countdown chant and Midnight Kisses and feeling included in something huge almost the whole world is celebrating. Mm and it’s really such a soft celebration with no required fuss. You just gather with anybody you want to gather with and together enjoy the annual grand finale of the years passing by. It’s meaningful and meaningless, lol. A simple and sweet thing that can also be very sparkly. We do it over and over and over and over our whole lives long. Young and old. Mm. How could I resist?

Tonight’s will be sad but that’s okay. That’s another reason I’m fond of this one. It doesn’t deny sadness. It doesn’t expect or demand the way other holidays on the calendar do. It leaves room for being lonely and solemn, for regrets and grief. Mm and tonight I will get very comfortable in that space. I will wallow a little, not too deep, but far enough in that I can write honestly, get some of it out of me so it can be read in nice straight lines, in a way that’ll feel less chaotic, less tangled up. I decided I would let me do it tonight for two reasons. First, because of the magical way NYE makes me feel which I’ve already described to you. Second, because this morning I woke up from a painfully vivid dream that was so convincing it somehow dislodged whatever has been preventing me from being able to articulate these things. I let dreams get to me, maybe more than other people do and this one did the trick. I’ll tell you about it and I’ll tell you about two other ones that might help you understand even better.

There was a pile of us. Maybe eight or ten people sprawled all around on a white couch. The room we were in was white on white on white and one of the walls was just giant windows, like as if we were in a skyscraper. Everybody was wearing jewel tones and color blocking. There wasn’t anybody specific there, but there was the sense they were our friends and we were all getting snug for the sake of a group photo that was going to be taken. Cuddling in and little laughing at one another, you know what it’s like. Omar was further away than I thought he should be so I kind of tugged him in closer when I realized he was miserable crying. Like red eyes, in tears but clearly had been trying to keep it low key. I asked what was wrong and he didn’t want to say. Others noticed and it got quiet. Mm, I can’t quite remember this part but like, I started to get upset and said that we could go if he wanted to go. Ally was suddenly there and was saying she could give us a ride and buy him a ticket? I was angry and Omar was quietly resisting saying, “It’s fine. Let’s stay. You’re gonna be mad.” or something along those lines. I growl snapped back loud enough for everyone to hear. “No, I’ll be fine, because I actually have some control over how I feel!” I was so furious though. I do not remember anything past that.

Towards the beginning of the summer Omar came to camp, he was serving breakfast and I came through the line. He stopped me before I walked out and told me he’d had a nightmare about me the night before. We weren’t really buddies yet, so the comment caught me off guard, his admission in this public space that he dreamed about me. A very sudden intimacy. He said that in the dream I’d been extremely angry and refused to talk to him, how he kept begging me to tell him what was wrong or what he had done and I wouldn’t even look at him. While he told me he seemed so earnest, like it had really bothered him. I laughed and started walking away. I think I tried to say something charming about wondering what he could have possibly done. He stood there shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders, looking concerned.

One of the first times Omar went home after we knew we were into each other, I had one of the wildest/most specific dreams ever. It began with just me standing in the foyer of the Platteville church. I knew I was at a wedding. As I walked into the empty sanctuary I realized it was my own wedding. I promptly started to panic and, in the dream, had this feeling of like, “Wait? How did this happen so quickly? I don’t remember planning this or even deciding to do this? How do I stop this?” I went through a doorway which in real life leads into a very short hallway, but instead it was a large room full of all the women on both sides of our families. My mom and my aunts and a whole heck of a lot of Hispanic women I do not know. I got this sense that all these women had put the wedding together, not me, and that I needed to clear things up now because otherwise I was going to be stuck with a wedding I had nothing to do with. So I started explaining and trying to convince them I didn’t want it to be like that. Saying I was so grateful but this was not at all what I had imagined. I honestly do not remember the speech but do remember feeling like it wasn’t clicking. They were misunderstanding. I felt like I was freaking these people out AND like I was possibly still going to get bulldozed into this anyways. The women (both the white ladies and the Mexican ladies) were all yelling at each other, not ugly fighting, really just trying to organize a wedding. So I went over to a corner where (hahaha this is just accurate okay) Mama Coco was silently sitting in her wheelchair. Like, the animated great grandmother from Coco, more realistic looking but still very much that sweet old lady. I sat down in her lap and watched the discussion carry on without me, feeling like a child. Sat there tracing and picking at the beaded details on my wedding gown’s skirt while the women shouted. I looked up and discovered that from where we were sitting, I could see out onto the stage of the church. Omar and the pastor (I don’t know who the pastor was) were standing there in their suits chatting, looked like they were kidding around and having a nice time. I remember feeling just the BIGGEST sense of relief and thinking, “Omar won’t care that I don’t want to marry him today. Everybody else is gonna be upset at me, but he’s gonna be so nice to me about it.”

Three dreams that would be doozies for almost anybody but wham bam, y’all, lol, for a girl like me these seem an awful lot like prophecies. Oof. Can you see it in there? All the significance? Holy shmoly. It hits and then you get back up and then it hits again. Yikes.

Look. I want things from Omar that he could give me, but when he had to make that decision he chose not to. What I want does not seem like too much to me, but it is more than he is willing to give me. That which he did give me (he is still giving some) he gave soooo sincerely. He gives in the most honest way, which turns out is the only way I can receive anything. And so I’m soooo thankful for what he’s given, but it is not enough. He tried and he still tries and I am heavy with gratitude for the effort he made because I know it wasn’t easy, But It Is Not Enough. I wish it was, but deep down I know it isn’t.

I can remember a night we filled up my whole apartment with an explosion of tension that had gone unspoken. I lost my temper and began angrily expressing how painful it was to feel such deep uncertainty about us staying together. He calmly refuted parts of my attack, but I think was pretty disturbed by my escalating rage. He wasn’t leaving no matter how harsh I got. At one point I coldly told him there was no reason for him to stay and he stayed anyways. After what felt like hours, we were sitting far across the room from each other and I was staring at him waiting for him to finally fucking say something useful. I was so furious and he was so silent. I had stubbornly backed into my corner and decided I wasn’t going to come out of it until he gave me a reason to. He looked helpless. Staring at the floor. Every once in a while he would seem like he had something to say but then nothing would come out. I don’t know how long it took, but my heart softened. I realized I’d been cruel and took notice of how resilient he was being, so I crossed the room to be gentle with him, hoping that it would help him speak. He started crying which I could not have anticipated. I rubbed his back and kept prompting him, softly asking “What?” and “Tell me.” Finally, he choked something like this out. “I’m trying. I’m trying to sit here right now and just choose to be here and give you what you want. I’m trying to make the decision, to tell you I can give you what you’re asking for. But I can’t do it. I can’t make me do it. I’m sorry.” He said it so strained, so in pain. I tried to be comforting and made a few small speeches about how I never wanted him to force himself and I didn’t expect him to make the final decision that night and how even if he wanted to he probably couldn’t because life is so different than what we decide it should be. I apologized for the horrible things I’d said earlier. We both became more rational and began to have a reasonable discussion. We calmed each other down. We snuggled in. The anger and confusion passed so we could get so so close again.***

He tried so damn hard to be my someone. He was my someone for as long as he could be, before the whole rest of it became too unbearable for him. During the last real conversation we had about what him leaving would look like, he told me, “We’ve said all along that if you are the only reason I’m here then I shouldn’t be here.” And he’s right. We did say that. Fuck, I’m the one that said that first. I should have told him that no longer applied though. I should have stopped him and said, “Yeah but that was before we were in love. It’s all different now that we’re in love.” I didn’t say that though. I don’t think I said anything because I think he was still talking and it’s rude to interrupt. I didn’t think about how it’s all different until way later, until after he had already left. If I’d thought about it sooner than that, maybe we could have had another conversation, a better Last Real Conversation with an alternate ending, a better ending. But. I didn’t think about it sooner. We can’t really have a conversation about what him leaving would look like when he’s already left.

One of the most startling parts of breaking up has been being unable to escape the INCREDIBLY PERVASIVE MESSAGE that like, hm, how to put it, the message that IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Lol. Yeah that’s how to put it. That if you love somebody and they love you too than that it is the Purest, the Goodest, the Highest Endeavor in the known universe (hell in the unknown universe too). That love is STRONG AS FUCK and will make it through EVERY BAD THING. You cannot get rid of love even if you try. Love never ever gives up, no way, it won’t do it, just lasts and lasts. Oh and the relentless warning that if you give up on love then that is the Biggest Mistake Of Your Life. Like. Whew. Y’all. Look. Frankly, the widespread love gospel is working on me. I am not giving into my fearfulness that tells me to protect myself from him now that we’ve broken up. I do believe I should still keep my heart open to Omar and I do not fight the frequent urges to hold onto what’s left of us. I softly reach out. I don’t let the fire flicker out. (Wow. Damn. Getting campfires going together was kind of one of our things actually.) But if it turns out I’m being told a big fancy romantic lie that prevents me from participating in some reasonable big girl independent healing process that I should be seeking out, THAT’S PRETTY BOGUS OF Y’ALL. If I sort out that I need to fall out of love, will I be able to do so without being consumed by the worry that I’m turning off all the lights in my heart and might not ever be able to turn them back on again?

I need to talk to more people who loved somebody who loved them too and they didn’t pick each other forever and it didn’t ruin their lives. Because. I mean I’m not talking to anybody who’s life was actually ruined because of something like that. No, I’m talking to deeply married people who seem to believe that if they hadn’t married each other it would have ruined their lives. (Now I say this with a heart full of appreciation for the married people who have been attempting to take care of me by using the context of their love stories to provide advice regarding mine. Bunch of sweet baby angels. Thankful.) The overwhelming narrative, at least within my realm, is that I have lost something I should try to get back. That’s what it seems like to me at least. I’ll confess, maybe that’s what my own heart is drawn to so I’m perceiving it more than it’s actually out there. Maybe.

Either way though, the current strongest pulls I feel are to continue to amuse him and to secretly long for us to get back together. There are of course other pulls, to pour myself entirely into ministry, to push him away a little and see if he will fight for me, to cut him out completely and focus on healing, to flirt with the creeps on Tinder and Bumble, to tell my friends either the most hopeful version or the weepy saddest version or angry accusation version of how the last two years went, to disappear into my bed as frequently as possible and not let any part of anything touch me, to write him paragraphs every morning admitting everything, to squash the whole thing, to completely succumb to the horrible ways heartbreak feels and allow the loss to fuck up my life completely. And those are just what’s pulling at me tonight, lol. There are dozens of pulls to this. Hundreds. So many that it rips me up and won’t let me listen to music because none of it means anything to me and won’t let me eat or sleep (seriously, my appetite has dried up and this has pulverized my god given talent for being asleep) and has me googling words like “anesthetize” so I can accurately describe that which I currently crave. Yeah it’s fucked with my vocabulary.

Mm, today though. Today I couldn’t help but notice how much easier it is for me to be kind. I think I lost that with Omar for a while. Inadvertently. He’s so cool and so particular. I think I mimicked that some, toned down my enthusiasm or maybe more so I directed it mostly towards him. I think every kitchen shift was for flirting with him, whispering around corners and knocking into each other. Every afternoon break was for kissing or taking a nap together which of course turned into kissing. I’ve been a starry eyed girl for years, but I think I let him become the whole moon and forgot about the stars in everybody else’s eyes too. I can see them again and they can see mine. It’s nice to look at the stars again. Beautiful sight.

I miss how the sky mattered to him. The colors or the way the light would pass through trees. Oh it would thrill him. He’d call me up and tell me to come see. We’d both shriek on sunset drives. Cheering the spectacle on. Mm, we were the same in that. It mattered to him like it matters to me. We were suckers for the ways we reminded each other of ourselves. Reflection. It wasn’t even imitation. We were both so true, dammit. We had carefully cultivated who we were and what we cared about. I think we recognized that in each other. Mm. God, I love him and I miss him in a hungry way.

I wish I had been a good enough reason to stay, even if I was the only reason and it was stupid and it ended up being a huge mistake. I wish I had been. I was good enough until I wasn’t.

God, I miss him.

“Are you being fearful or loving?”

***Last minute addition. Thinking about how some might read that part and think, “Wait so why didn’t you just break up then? He couldn’t give you what you wanted.” I get how that could be your takeaway. It wasn’t mine. Nah. From then on, I felt like Omar truly wanted to give me what I wanted, but that he wasn’t going to do that until he was sure that it was the right thing. So. That’s the sincerity I mentioned. I love that Omar really really means the things he says and the things he does. He’s not interested in faking anything. I knew that I was waiting around for him to decide to be with me and stay OR to break up with me and go. And I was okay with that waiting, okay with either outcome, because I believed whatever he decided he’d do with resolution. His head AND his heart would be involved, two things I trusted more than almost anything. I didn’t trust them to automatically choose me. I trusted that they would get him to do what he thoroughly believed was right. Mm. So. That’s what hurts. That his head AND his heart told him the right thing was something other than the two of us together. (My own head and heart told me otherwise and I trust them a heck of a lot too, so the three of us are having a tough time.)

[my-apologiestomarktwain]

the ‘me too’ and ‘i will’ and my conflicted emotions

on tumblr, not fb or twitter, as fewer personal friends are on here, and zero co-workers / former bosses, and my real name isn’t attached.

1. What good are two words, even if spread like wildfire? Are they worth the “i don’t believe you” bullshit? Is it education? Is it activism? What good is awareness, really? Who isn’t AWARE that sexual assault is a huge problem? People who aren’t aren’t unaware. They’re willfully ignorant so as to not feel guilt, responsibility, or a call to action. They’re the victim blamers and slut shamers and “there are levels” and “that’s not so bad” and “i wish someone would do that to me” fucktwats and I don’t think two words are going to do anything. 

[here i recognize that while I mostly attempt to not use gender, i sometimes will in what follows. I am speaking as a woman for women. I recognize that men are abused, sexually assaulted, and raped, and view it as equally horrifying and all that follows is a response to ALL sexual assault, not just assaults against women]

2. the response from what was probably a well-intentioned dude who doesn’t get it inspiring other dudes who don’t fucking get it: “i will” / “i believe you” / “i saw” / “i did” what the fuck ever.

Expecting applause for admitting you saw harassment happening and did nothing, or that you committed an act of harassment or assault and are recognizing finally that you’re a piece of shit is FUCKING INSANE. I am completely fucking baffled that you feel like you deserve to be applauded for recognizing your fucking garbageness. I will not say thank you, admire your bravery, or give you any fucking awards for being honest. It’s literally just as bad as continuing to do nothing. You’re co-opting our abuse and making it your cunting acceptance speech. FUCK YOU.

Anyone can type I’ll believe you / I will / all those other variations, but how many of you have stood idly by while your friends did some shady shit? How many of you have participated in marches, education spreading, reading, or have made any effort to understand and actively create change? How many of you will do ANYTHING other than type your own self-congratulatory bullshit? Because it’s my turn to say: I don’t believe you, and I’ve seen that lie before.

Many of them are asking for how they should do something about it / some variation of not knowing how to intervene. IT IS NOT ON THE VICTIMS TO TELL YOU HOW TO KEEP THEM FROM BEING ABUSED / RAPED / ASSAULTED. DO YOUR OWN GODDAMN HOMEWORK AND STOP BEING AWFUL. GODDAMN. 

3. My story. Of course I’m a me too: 

“Uncle Paul” who always grabbed my ass, felt my chest, kissed me on the mouth, and made certain I knew he was only waiting on “the day you’re legal, so we can really piss your mom off.” Started when I was 9 and he let me watch The Wedding Singer when he babysat me. They divorced when I was 15 or so. Don’t know what happened to him.

When I was 8, I was biking home from the local library when 3 old drunks who were sitting on their concrete fence thing started to slowly follow me, talking about my body and the things they wanted to do to it. I freaked out, biked as fast as I could to the Eckerds (defunct, now Rite Aid) and called my mom to pick me up. She said I was over-reacting. I stopped going to the library.

My youth group allowed some 19 - 22 year olds to join because they were from the local street gang and wanted help, and we didn’t have anything appropriate, and the pastor was also pretty weird  (hindsight...). They called themselves the McIver Boys. One groped me and stuck his hands down my pants in the back of the church bus after giving me vodka and telling me to ‘be cool’. I was 12. He was 20. 

A few months of the last one went on. There were 3 of them, but only one had messed with me so far. I had started avoiding church, but was friends with another one’s cousin, and went to stay with her over Thanksgiving. Her cousin raped me and I cried out and tried to get away. He got her brother to join him in “wrestling” me and locked me in their chest freezer. My friend got me out. I left and never went back to that church or her house. Because of my mom’s previous reaction, I never told her. I know my lack of reporting probably means other girls were victimized. I carried a lot of guilt for that for a long time, and was committed to a psych ward for a suicide attempt shortly thereafter. 

I started high school. A 19? year old that hung out in our high school parking lot / talked to a lot of people I was an acquaintance of started passing me letters. He got in my space. He hovered over me and cornered me on walls and in general made unwanted advances. I told him to leave me alone. He followed me to the county fair. He showed up anywhere I was. He touched my legs and grabbed my hair. He tried to kiss me. It didn’t go further, thankfully. Eventually, another girl at our high school started dating him. He eventually left me alone.

I dated a guy after high school for less than 3 months. We had been friends beforehand, I thought, and had worked together. When I broke up with him, he got one of my friends to help him get into my house while I was sleeping where he left a note by my bed and took photos of himself on my cell phone. He then told everyone on campus I was a whore and had cheated on him. I hadn’t, but I was ostracized from certain campus groups anyway.

I dated another guy, for a pretty long time. I had been back in a psych ward and then my best friend committed suicide and I started having nightmares about my rapist again. I went back to therapy. I couldn’t have sex. It was awful, I felt awful. But this guy said I was his girlfriend and girlfriends had sex with you and I should at least help him out. I didn’t have the luxury of autonomy when I was attached. We went to couple’s therapy, then we went our separate ways.

I dated someone else. Moved out of state for them. They abused me in ways I didn’t think I’d ever let myself be abused, in ways I didn’t even recognize: coercive birth control manipulation, isolation from friends, isolation from resources, gaslighting, adultery. I felt absolutely worthless, helpless. I feared telling my two best friends on this earth because I was terrified they would not believe me. That my partner, so able to charm me, would certainly have gotten past them. I’m glad I did. They saved me. I went back to therapy. So did my partner. We’ve also gone in together. 

4. Realize that these are only the worst ones. That they ignore street harassment, employer harassment, catcalling, victim shaming, and the like. That these are less than 5% of the experiences I have had, and I am not special.

5. Realize that I am a white woman in a respected industry with access to health care, birth control, therapy, and other systems of support. There are MANY who have so much less than I do, and fewer opportunities.

6. Stop talking and do something.

[sheilasministry]

Jesus says it’s time I get me more time with people but I’m not here now to be with people as much as I’m here to be with me & with God. So is this wrong? No but it’s not helping His children here either. I’m not the only one who says what more can I do? I know I’m not making the effort to be with more people but I want to do something that I know I can be heard & people will grow with what I’m saying. Here or on twitter or my Sermon site. I haven’t been doing Sermons much but they are good enough to see that people can be with God Jesus. I have to be out of town or in another Country to get people interested in saying what it is that I want to have them say & that is this; I’m here for God Jesus to but they don’t ever know God little alone God Jesus as their Living Almighty God Creator Savior Alone. I have had a Pastor not want to be with God much but he has said God’s twitter site has made him decide to try to listen to God’s Heart more carefully. That’s nice to hear. I’m only sorry to hear it’s just one Pastor saying he is interested in seeing God’s Heart with Him more then just one time as a Pastoring Servant of God Jesus. So that’s about it for me but I have one more thing to say since I’m not here for me. God Jesus is Awesome God Deity Alone. Okay here is what is on God’s Heart for me but for all who say God Is Jesus Alone. Go with your heart & let God be the Glory for all of it period. So if I’m not in another Country Preaching the word of God with me. I can say that I might be some day but I have been told some Country is on the agenda if God says so. So if I’m here & I know God has told me it was going to happen. I’m just going to say every time He says it’s for me to be with Him in. I will say; Thank you God Jesus for being with me & letting it all happen like now & soon. Okay I do know that God is not saying that but He is. I’m here to be with God Jesus. Thank you God Jesus for helping me to get a writing job with someone who likes these blog’s but don’t know how I do it like at all. They are fun funny & then just plain fun & funny again. So God says I have to say it’s all from Him. That meaning that I have given Him my heart to say what He want’s & not me. So not one time have I almost sent my blog today into a delete but I’m slowing down to see if I can not be upset by doing that today. Okay I have to say my computer is not what it was or maybe it’s me. I’m here to say I’m trying to not be anything but me sometimes but I’m here to say I’m not me at all when I’m here. So if I can change with God’s Heart with me. So can you. Okay I have something I want to say. My time with God is good. I want things to get better in my life. We all want things in our life to get better. My time here is to not be me but I’m here because I am me & I need to be here to say what it is God has to say about me. Sometimes I don’t want to blog because of that but I do it anyway. My time here is not as long but I’m almost relieved for me because it means less chance of me deleting something God wants out like today. So I’m here to say I’m not perfect. I’m not good. I’m not doing anything special. I’m with God Jesus but I’m with Him because He chose me. I didn’t choose Him. He chose me. Okay I looked up & I know I probably shouldn’t have. I mean I glanced at the News on tv while I’m here for God Jesus. I have the tv on mute so I can’t hear what is going on but when I saw more destruction from more rioting here in the U.S.. I’m saying it’s the dumbest thing to happen. Our President can’t even focus on him being where he is at because people cannot except he is President. I voted for him so Hillary could not be in Office again. She is NOT acceptable people for her own party & they let her go into running anyway. Well some people did because the Clinton’s know enough people to let them do that. Well she lost like big time. She knows she lost fair & square. The poles showed her ahead all the way to the voting booth but she still lost. I Prayed like crazy like so many other people did. We want someone in Office who says what they mean. Trump is pretty good at letting us all know what he is thinking. I’m sure you have heard about his tweet’s daily. So I will say this. No one can be with God unless God says so. I’m glad I’m with God. I have made mistakes & God forgave me. I’m learning forgiveness & I’m not mad at anyone now. So that’s a good thing for me for now. I just let God be with me more & more. I want to be better. I don’t want to be here after His Return. It will be horribly awful to know I missed Him. I Pray daily for all to be in Heaven. I know God’s word says different but I don’t know who they are who will be left. So I Pray for all. It’s okay to do that. God says I know it could have been me. Praise God Jesus it’s not. So Pray for all around this world to be Saved. So if I’m here now. I want to say something about a young lady who was left in prison for sometime for not doing anything wrong. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She tried to fly around the world. Got lost & landed in the wrong place. It’s just that simple but in World War Two it was a bad place to be. So she did it to do something different but she didn’t think she would get lost over enemy territory. So she landed safe but couldn’t get out fast enough to be not caught. She was on a big ship of a cargo size. She did have her picture on tv not long ago when someone said; That’s her I’m sure. Well it was. She went into a prison in Japan & never got out. This is all on a tv documentary not to long ago. I couldn’t believe it has taken all of these years to see this & believe it was her there when we could have maybe helped her. She is Saved. She has been Prayed for but our Government wasn’t sure it was her. So they never sent someone to see who it was in prison. Had they have done that right away. It would have been a happy ending but our Government is all for themself & not people as you can see from Trump’s way of doing things but not necessarily for us but for him more & his kid’s in future Presidency situations. Okay everyone knows that. It’s obvious that President Obama took his own personal friends into Office with him to. No one made a fuss about that the way Democrat’s & the Liberal’s are now. Okay one more thing before God call’s it a day & I might delete this blog. God says people have been on this site & don’t know what it’s all about but they like it. Why is that? Well it is God’s Heart here. I’m simple minded but that’s okay. We people who voted into Office our President are all here to say; We want someone who can make a decision on their own. Obama, the Clinton’s never ever made a decision on their own. They always waited until America was in a trial or in a terror attack or just plain & simple close to war before they made a move. That IS THE TRUTH. Believe it or not. I do. So God knows ALL thing’s here on this planet because He Is God Alone. Someone is not going to be with me much longer here. She will come & look for me for some reason. Well maybe it might be that one person who keeps popping into my thoughts. Okay I’m done for now. God Bless America. It’s not really America but it’s getting better then yesterday. God says so many people have read His tweet’s that I’m not even considered an idiot anymore. Okay I’m laughing about that. God can say it & I laugh. Okay maybe I can say it to someone some day & they will laugh. I probably won’t do that. Okay I’m done for now. Just don’t ring the door bell. It doesn’t work like about everything that looks fun to drive around here isn’t running or working either but people don’t know that but now they do. Okay who has been here for me & I wasn’t here? God says not one person. So I’m good but one person will show up some place & I will not be expecting it. I’m going to be a grandma next year & I wasn’t expecting that. I’m thrilled. So if you want me to make a movie with you Hollywood buzz town people. You have to wait until my grand baby is here for at least ten or so years & maybe not even then. I want to enjoy all the time I have left here on this planet with my family. So give that ten million dollars to someone else who is willing to be there for your fun crazy movie. Oh I’m just kidding. I’ll be here to cash that check. So bye for now & God says to Goldie & Ange; Don’t go so close to that edge or I will have to send Sheila over that edge to get you both out of some pit. Okay fine with me. Bye for now.