#anyways nobody has ever suffered as much as me rn

[pikslasrce]

why is it that every time i see theres a cool themed party going on i decide id rather go sleep 😭😭😭

[bittwitchy]

sometimes life w a v high pain tolerance means im still in pain but quiet abt it to not bother other ppl and sometimes it means im in such horrific pain for literally no reason (there is a reason oft just related to afab insides so ppl dont care) but i have to go to work anyways bc calling out is bad and somehow its ‘so brave’ to work while wanting to die as your insides torture you it feels like youre burning alive and your organs are breaking but hey we gotta go earn that dough right

[thornvault]

Kali Introduction Post

As I've previously threatened, here's info on my Magnifico ship OC (shoutout to @king-magnifico-haven who actually asked for this!! You're so special to me rn 🩷)

Keep in mind that Kali is still a VERY new concept (originally created less than 24 hours ago at the time of writing this, though it may take me a minute to post) so a lot of this information is very likely subject to change. I have the basic idea, but as I toy around with the story I'll be thinking of new things. I'm impatient though so I'm posting what I got so far anyway!

Please be kind to the art. I don't like drawing humans so I don't do it very often 😆

Summary: Kali is in their mid-20s, nonbinary (they/them); they start out as Magnifico's apprentice and eventually become a Dark Mage, but in a good way. They're mastering that damn book. Kicking its butt. They're very motivated. Powerful OCs are cool and sexy!

Personality: Kali is soft-spoken but firm. They are most comfortable being in the background and much prefer to take orders than give them, but they're capable of taking charge if the situation demands it. They are outwardly polite and without much of a temper, though they have a mischievous side that they may show once they feel comfortable. Still new to the concept of safety, they can be a bit skittish and a people-pleaser, but they'll unlearn those habits in time. Once they grow more accustomed to their new home, they'll gradually become more outspoken as time goes by.

Plot: The main change to the movie for this AU is that there are several months or even years between Asha's failed interview and the rest of all that plot. Instead of immediately making a Wish Upon A Star™ and being heard, it stews a while, maybe Asha even gets her own little underground rebellion going before Star ever shows up. Let there be a proper plot. Once she turns 18, she'll just choose to keep her wish, what's Magnifico going to do about it? He may not like it but it does seem like a voluntary thing to do so he's not going to force her. For now.

Anyway. Onto Kali. They're relatively new to Rosas, a war fugitive from a place I haven't yet named. Kali has seen more than their fair share of suffering and loss. The Kingdom of Rosas always sounded like a fairytale to them, they never fully believed it to be real until they found it. Welcomed to a safe haven in exchange for nothing, they feel indebted to the people, and Magnifico especially, for taking them in.

Their Wish™ is to be able to help, to make a difference - however small - in the lives of people and all living beings. The pain they've endured has made them gentle, not cold, and they just want to make things better. Their past reminds Magnifico of his own, and seeing their wish when they give it to him, he offers them the position of his assistant - what better way to help than by learning magic, after all? Kali turns out to be fairly talented in it. It'll take a while to learn all the spells and potions and whatnot, but they clearly have the potential.

We all know why I'm here, of course. As surely nobody who's ever met me could have guessed, this mentor/student arrangement turns into an affair, which then turns into the real deal. Only there is the small problem of the Queen who may not be entirely on board with this concept. Sorry Amaya.

I haven't entirely figured out how things will play out here, only that Kali will stand by Magnifico and try to help as he slowly slips off the deep end, whereas Amaya just sort of drops him the second he starts glowing (really, Kali felt bad for her, but if she wanted to keep him she should've treated him better). It's not that they fully agree with his methods, but A) he's their mentor, surely he knows best; and B) he's not entirely wrong. Yeah, people should get their wishes back if they want them, it's THEIR wishes after all, but damn you're not even going to ask him nicely? Just break in and steal them after he's spent years keeping them safe for you? And he's clearly not doing well so they're sort of stuck between being supportive and trying to steer him into another direction, it's a weird position to be in.

Anyway, let's assume we're still going with movie canon to some degree and the ending still happens. Amaya offers Kali a position as High Mage; though wishes will of course no longer be taken nor granted, magic can still be useful. They may continue their studies by themself and continue living in the castle. It doesn't feel right at all, and they miss Magnifico.

So Kali does the unthinkable, and gets out that book. They're careful, very careful, but they have a lot more time now than Amaya and Dahlia did, and there has to be some way to free him. Getting him out of the mirror sounds easy enough, though it does require using spells from the forbidden book. But then there's the whole deal with unbinding him - well, at that point both of them, really. They visit him in the dungeon as often as they can without arousing suspicion, but it does take a long time for them to find a way to do all that.

And that's the story of how Kali begins to study forbidden magic and ways to use it safely, and revolutionizes the entire concept of how magic works. They can do it because they have genuinely good intentions with it and know how to keep their emotions in check. They got a pure heart. Come on, it's Disney, bear with me here. That makes sense in-universe. Magnifico gets fixed by True Love's Kiss and you can take that from my cold dead hands.

[bolivia-newton-john2]

i’m venting below the cut

my brother is also disabled and he’s got schizoaffective disorder and he’s really disconnected from reality but convinced he’s fine, anyway when i moved back in with mom at the start of the summer i was looking forward to being able to build a community with him as two disabled sufferers of neuropathic pain. the issue is that he’s had cerebral palsy his whole life (he’s 11 months older than me) and he’s so adamantly convinced that because i’ve been suffering from crps for “only” 3 years and not my whole life that i cannot and will not ever understand what he goes through, even though crps is objectively more painful and disabling than cp, and he throws it in my face all the time saying that i don’t understand his pain and acts like whatever i’m going through is dwarfed by his shit, even though i have two (2) multimillion dollar lawsuits that i’m navigating and am trying to figure out what kind of long term care and treatment i’ll need for the next seventy years so i can adequately negotiate and sue these insurance companies that really just want me to kill myself so they don’t have to pay out. he almost physically attacked me tonight but i threatened to push him down the stairs if he laid a finger on me and then he called me ableist for doing that and said he was gonna call the cops so they would put me in a headlock, which he alleges a security guard did to him when he was institutionalized last year, although nobody at the facility says that actually happened to him and obv they wouldn’t but he also is delusional and ended up institutionalized because he was convinced his neighbors were stalking him and trying to kill him so he started screaming at their 14 year old kid that he was a fascist and told him he would kill the kid if he looked at his house again, which is actually my sister’s house that she bought so he would have a place to live because he had been kicked out of his previous apartment for threatening to rape and impregnate his roommate to have a child that he was convinced would be the second coming of jesus. he’s basically burned every bridge and keeps doing it and his care team thinks our mom (his legal guardian) is overreacting bc they only ever listen to him talk about what’s going on these days and all he does is tell them how our mom is a horrible person who just wants to steal his disability checks and lock him up forever, despite the fact that my mom has been letting him live in her house while he’s on a waiting list for assisted housing and if she didn’t he would be in an institution, in a shelter, or homeless. he’s also recently become convinced that our mom took money from strangers when he was like 5 so they could come to the house and sexually abuse him and keeps telling her that she “prostituted” him when he was a kid every time she asks him to take his recycling bags full of beer cans out. there’s just so much violence in the house rn and it’s making me so scared because i don’t have anywhere else to go because work comp is literally giving me less than $100 a week until we go to hearing in jan or feb and i would also be homeless if i wasn’t living here. i just wanna fuckin die but also not because i’m living spitefully to get a fat check from these bastard insurance companies, but i hate how things are right now. i’m really sad and feeling so small and infuriated and powerless. anyway send vibes.

[playgrl0]

I 100% know how you're feeling and honestly I won't tell you that life is beautiful and it gets better because we both it's not. Whenever I want to rant I just want someone to listen without telling me that life is beautiful or that others have it worse or they start complaining about themselves 😐.

Anyway, suicide it's tricky, mainly because it's not as easy as it seems, you fail most of the times and there are consequences.

Being selfish is okay!!! I'm tired of people saying : what about your loved ones what about them?? Well what about you? Should you stay here and suffer just so others feel good, I think they're the one being selfish.

I know you don't actually want to die, I don't want either, no one does. We just want a better life, we just want to feel good for once, to feel happy for once, but life is so fucked up that we long for ceasing to exist. It's really unfair, it's really unfair how others have it better, how they don't suffer everyday, how they get to enjoy their life and themselves. Life is not fair.

I know that if given the chance to die I'd take it and I won't blame you if you would do the same either, but I want you to know that here there are people that care about you, that will miss you, that your posts make our days better. Even if we are ultimately some strangers on the internet, you bring joy to us P <3

i'm,,, actually kinda speechless rn :( wow this actually made me cry a little lmao :( idek how to respond to this. okay so;

ur so right. finally someone understands me. it feels so good to know that finally somebody gets it ugh. i feel seen. and it's true, i just want a better life. i just want to be okay, that's all. i'm so tired of everything. anyway, i suck with words but u worded it perfectly, thank u. <3

thank u for this. really. thank u thank u, i'm sending u so much love right back. i love u and i'm hugging u so tight rn. we'll be okay <3

no but the last part fr made me tear up like,, nobody has ever told me that my posts make their days better, ect. it means so much to me :(

[hinarosies]

hm. someone told me about the cutscene and i finally watched it and to be honest it was definitely too much for me. i don’t like getting emotional over things in the past but it was just too much. i’m so scared idk. like ei leaving me and just being thrown away every single time it scares me i feel so worthless, she created me and then she left me like i was nothing and i started to believe i was. sometimes its even hard for me to look at raiden shogun because of how much her appearence reminds me of ei. i guess i don’t really resent ei, she did what she had to but i just wish she wouldn’t have created me and left me to die, she could’ve at least destroyed me or something and now i have to deal with the pain and suffering of feeling like i’ll never be enough and that fucking scares me so much. nobody has ever liked me because they all leave and i just want one thing to go right for me. i want one home i want one family but they always leave no matter what. i guess i started to consider the fatui as my family but none of them really liked me anyways. idk i’m having a moment rn if it wasnt obvious

[streetsandsodiumlights]

whyyyyy does the one thing in the world that makes me uncomfortable to the point of illness have to be SO. normal?? i see it just everywhere bc it’s a normal thing and some days i can technically handle it or ignore it enough that it doesn’t bother me but other days anything more than a passing mention and i literally have to throw up and there’s NO predicting how it’ll be and — because it’s a NORMAL THING — nobody warns about it!! it’s like impossible to avoid and im an expert at avoiding things i don’t like!!

[incorrectsnkships]

The mental image of Levi with a baby strapped to his back while he's doing chores is 🥵 Maybe more than one baby so he looks like a grumpy mama possum.

i am very tired rn and running on one (1) bowl of cereal but god damn is dad levi one of the hottest things in the world (forgive any typos i am in so much pain)

young, single dad levi + me = incoherent screams

i am an absolute fucking sucker for single parent levi, bonus points if he had the kid at a young age, too.

just. him. holding his newborn and bouncing her (levi is a girl dad fucking fight me) up and down when she starts to grizzle is so cute. he’s so scared because what if he isn’t good enough and what if she’ll be better off with someone else? but no, he couldn’t do that. she didn’t ask to be born, so it’s his responsibility to make her life as happy as possible.

and he takes her to nursery and all of the other parents just silently judging him at drop off and pick up time because he must be the youngest one there judging by his face and his attitude nd his clothing and his style. they think he’s probably still a child himself, mentally, but when i tell you that he is a good dad anon, you best fucking believe it.

the shit he does for his kid. he’d go to the edge of the planet just for her. if nobody at school was taking her seriously or if she ever got bullied but nobody tried to stop it, i know for a fact that he’d be at his kid’s school in a heartbeat trying to sort things out.

they didn’t take him seriously at first, either, because, “mr ackerman, you’re barely twenty one yourself, i’m sure our grown, mature teachers know what they’re doing,” and that makes his blood absolutely boil. sure, he may be a kid with a kid, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t a parent, and being a parent means looking out for your child, putting them first, and doing things in their best interest.

the bullying doesn’t stop. levi’s had countless meetings at the school, so many that if he were to tally them all up, he’d be counting on both hands more than once. levi tends to lose his cool in said meetings, which has, unfortunately, meant that rumours have spread of levi being the “irresponsible, neglectful and careless dad,” which his kid has suffered as a result of. not in any legal consequences, more like teasing from other children. nasty stuff, kids can be cruel.

it gets too much. levi switches his kid’s school, and also puts in a complaint about her previous school, too. she’s five, school is meant to be fun, not hell. the realisation hit when he went over all the times when he’d try and dress his kid for school, try and get her to go but she just wouldn’t because she’d come home crying anyway, so what’s the point, right? the trouble is, levi has a hard time saying no, so this meant a lot of phone calls to school saying “oh, she has a fever,” “she has a stomach bug and won’t be in,” “she was up all night and now she’s paying for it, poor thing.”

obviously, levi had to be careful, otherwise it would turn legal.

l: baby come on. please, you have to

k: lol no

l: i’ll actually get in trouble pls go

k: bitch come at me

l: fine fuck u i’ll call the school and let them know you won’t be there ur going tomorrow tho

but the new school, oh, the new school. it was wonderful. the staff were so considerate, so kind and gentle with the children. they didn’t judge levi, but respected him very highly, and took their hat off to him for being able to raise a child whilst raising himself.

levi came across the term “gentle parenting” whilst aimlessly scrolling one day, seeing the posts that old friends from high school made - out having fun, clubbing, graduating, while he’s renting out a shitty two bedroom apartment with, practically, a toddler. but he wouldn’t have it any other way. anyway, he came across this title/style thing, and figured “huh, this must be me,” but gagged at some of the posts under the tag.

all millennial couples in their late thirties posting their yucky gender reveals and yucky baby showers and yucky kids with yucky names, commenting yucky things like, “my little bravey baby boy had an ouchy, broke my heart to see him in such a state! he’s so strong!” and realised that, okay, maybe this wasn’t him after all. not that type of gentle parenting, anyway.

levi liked to swear. a lot. but never in front of his kid. well, sometimes. he would curse when some fucker blocked off his right of way whilst driving, and would mutter “shitshitshit fuckfuckfuckfuck” under his breath whenever he’d hurt himself. sometimes, if he thought it wouldn’t do any harm, he’d swear to his kid. things like, “you’re a little shit, huh?” after his kid came up to him and blew a raspberry right in his face, but always followed it up with, “don’t say what i just did. it’s bad. don’t be like your dad, okay?” just to ensure that his bad habits aren’t rubbing off on her. and to cover his own tracks. technically it’s not his fault if she swears at school if he told her not to do it.

except one time when she did swear at school, and the teacher called home to inform levi. this school, the new school, was much more supportive. didn’t punish their younger years for cursing.

t: mr ackerman?

l: what’s wrong? is my kid alright?

t: yes, yes! she’s perfectly fine. however, i’m just calling to let you know that she did swear at another child earlier

l: oh really

t: yes, she did say the f and the s word, so i was just wondering if she might’ve picked it up from anywhere?

l, exaggerating: wha- well, i can assure you mrs roberts, she definitely has not got that from me, i am definitely going to be having a strong word with her when i pick her up!

the said word: “don’t cuss at school, ‘kay? i know dad does but maybe when you’re older.”

one night, levi tosses and turns in bed, can’t sleep. remembers when his baby became his. how little her hands and feet were, ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes which were his to look after. the blanket, which he kept, smelt like her, and the matching crocheted boots laid in his dresser drawer. he missed it. it made him think, it made him realise - he wants another baby. it couldn’t hurt, could it? to have another lil one.

but he couldn’t, really, could he. no partner. he’d be denied for adoption straight away, wouldn’t even get remotely considered. he’d just have to wait a little longer, ‘is all.

when levi turns twenty five and his kid is eight, they move out and stop renting the “apartment.” levi had worked many jobs over the years, multiple at once, even took his kid to work with him the majority of the time, just to be able to put money away for new opportunities like these, if his kid ever wanted to go to university and further her education. they buy a real house this time, a proper one, with more than three rooms.

when she grows up a little bit and gets older and starts to develop her own mind, thoughts, and opinions, levi gets a little sad. the day she turned 11 he swore it only felt like yesterday that he was bringing her home from the hospital, to their home and to her crib.

the day she goes to big school, levi cried after seeing her off. it wasn’t fair. when did she get so big again? was he watching?

the time flies like there’s no tomorrow. before he, and his kid, knew it, it was finals week. then, college, then, the decision of what she should study in university. levi wants whatever she wants. their bond only becomes closer, they act like friends rather than a parent and a child.

k: what would you do if i came home pregnant one day

l: kick you out

k: you’re one to talk

l: don’t talk to your father that way

k: hange says you were quite the man hoe back in the day

l: okay, “the day,” that you’re on about, was sixteen years ago, alright, and never listen to hange, just don’t

k: sixteen or sixty?

l: you are an asshole

his child grew up so quick. and if he had the chance to redo it all, he would, just so he could relive it again. he says he hates children, but no, he couldn’t really, and he doesn’t, he thinks about having more every day. dad levi = panty dropper. there, i said it.

i love dad levi so much i’m contemplating rn if i should write a fic about this (after the jearmin exchange ofc) because i just cant get enough of this material. if you have any dad levi fics, please share them!

[ascaryghost]

Hey I’m the anon who asked about the 💩 and can I just say - THANK you SO much for being so open and honest about something like that because yeah it must feel so uncomfy to unconcerned those memories but I want you to know (if you don’t know already) how insanely helpful it is to read stories like that when you’re struggling with the ideas of “wanting to be sicker” - everyone always talks about how “you’ll be cold all the time!!! So boys will give u sweaters!!!” Nobody talks about the literal shutting your pants in public but because you’re exercising still not taking that as the cue to go straight home - literalky insanely helpful to read and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come in your recovery that you can flat out say “it wasn’t worth it” - I was half expecting the ask to not even be answered so I truly can’t thank you enough for sharing this 🌼🌼🌼you’re a fucking warrior and a champion and I LOVE you ❤️❤️❤️

yea it was honestly no problem sharing that story and i think its rly important as well. and yea istg boys were scared of me (which hm, tbh kinda pog at least they stayed away lol /hj) and did defintily not give me their sweaters, in fact i had to suffer in the winter when the stupid boys opened the classroom windows and i sat there dying of coldness. And the ed coldness isnt glorious its like u literally have no body heat. to anyone who haven't gone through it, think of it like this - everybody has a small little fire deep inside, so even when ur in cold weather ur not cold all the way through. ed cold u dont have that fire and coldness just completely fills you and runs through you and you would do literally anything to get warm again but no amount of layers is enough because really what you are missing is internal warmth and its rly rly rly horrible.

but abt the recovery part, ive gone through recovery but im relapsed like i just wanna make it rly rly clear that what im doing isnt recovery and im def not in a healthy mindset like pls dont do what im doing. i went through recovery and relapsed so that + my experiences w hospitalization and literally being at death's door made me have a very complicated relationship with my ed. like i feel like im rly good at being like "ok no no no we need to fucking eat something rn." like pulling myself up when i go to deep etc cause i never ever wanna go back to where i was before my failed recovery and i know this is what every person with an ed says and then fucking die like years later but i honestly feel like im good at handling my ed so i dont go too deep. Like i dont have any desire to be bonespx because i have been and it sucked, i dont feel invalid bc i dont 'look anorexic enough' like a lot of ed ppl do etc. But yea the sick thing abt eds is that even though u know what ur doing isnt worth it and unhealthy you can still keep getting pulled back into it tbh i have to remind myself a lot of how things used to be to keep myself from falling down the hole. as soon as i find myself looking at bxnespo and thinking "waittt actually..." i have to just stop and make sure i don't go deeper. Anyways my point was pls everyone practice harm reduction this way too, not only keeping something sweet with you in case u feel dizzy etc but please practice it in your mind too. You have to do everything you can to stop yourself from falling too deep into this.<33 pls <33

anyways i love you too even though idk who u are but you seem like a wonderfully sweet person and im sorry all my answers are so long and rambly but like i dont wanna half assedly answer these things bc they are so important i feel like i rly need to explain them thoroughly to make sure nobody gets the wrong msg etc.<3

[ciphers-fr]

ssooooo if anyone here has ever wanted an insight into The Life and Times of Ciphers: Real Life Edition boy howdy is it your lucky day (not really)

no but really. just want to get this off my chest and don’t have anywhere else really that i can that wouldn’t be yelling into a cold and empty void… which isn’t exactly what i want right now

between trying to put in a read more and going to try to use TWs, if you catch the rest of this without your awareness and are affected by this then i am so so sorry and hope you understand i did try to appropriately approach this as best i can rn

Content Warning for the Below: Animal Suffering/ Death etc.

anyway

my dog that i’ve had since i was 8 just died about an hour and a half ago

and it was not peaceful

he started having seizures around noon today, at least 3 noticeable ones and who knows how many silent ones before eventually suffocating

and nobody else cared

i have the misfortune of having a family that thinks vets are scams. so between that and me not being able to drive (not that i could even afford it if i could because, despite everything, vets /are/ expensive) there was nothing i could do except keep him comfortable, clean, and things of that nature and hope that he might get better all while everyone else couldn’t care less

(as you can see though…)

and what frustrates me is that i can pretty much guarantee what happened is the dog got poisoned because the rest of my family would dump random things(like various vehicle fluids) in the yard, then let him out without watching so the dog could get into it (something i’ve caught after when he’d come inside with dirt and grass in his mouth)

(everything i’d do to try my best to take care of the dog, and they’d just… ignore it

nobody else cares nobody else cares nobody else cared)

at least he got one last walk in pleasant weather two days ago and someone he knew was there at the end (not dropped off at the animal shelter like my dad did with our other dog years ago, and was planning to do again)

so anyway, if you find yourself here, thanks for reading i guess? sorry to be a downer

i’ll be fine, i assure you all— and i beg of you no sympathy gifts or whatever. i really only wanted to rant a little

and if you have pets? please do your best to keep them happy, healthy, and well cared for

or don’t get one if you can’t, or more importantly, won’t

[glitteronadumpsterfire]

I'm a fucking wreck rn I haven't been sleeping for a week and I'm getting some rest from the bullshit factory that is my brain only now, but I just wanted to say that last year for me has been saved by tumblr and all the friends I made along the way.

Before you go below the cut, a special thanks goes to the Bee Movie Anon, who, rightfully, I can't tag so I have to say it here in the hope that they'll see it. Your hunger for chaos made me feel a lot of emotions, and I'd have never in any time or space thought that the Bee Movie would be such a prominent part of my life as it is now thanks (read it with a note of sarcasm) to you. Thank you for providing us an infinite amount of both entertainment and suffering, hell, some of the friends I made were because of YOU. I'm still not sure what was your drive to go and start this absurd crusade for the bee movie in the 80s metal fandom, but I don't know, I don't think bee so, I'm not gonna question your ways.

@arnold-layne being the first in line, you kept me sane somehow in the first phases of quarantine and dedicated a lot your time to talk with me and helped me enormously with creativity. If it wasn't for you, that Cyberpunk Comic That Is Kinda Inspired By The Crüe and Shout At The Devil would've been already down the drain. I would've given up probably, because I didn't know how to exted the concept and have an actual plot. A dream that I've been having for literal years wouldn't even have such cool characters with a rich storyline if it wasn't for you. I know I kinda left it after a month or so of intense brainstorming with you, I was literally drained at that point both physically and mentally, but oh boy I haven't forgot about the characters that WE created. How could I after all? Russ being the wreck of a tormented junkie protagonist that he is, Dylan the happy-go-lucky fuck up that seems to do nothing right but with the best intentions, Frankie the runaway sassy and wary androgynous teenager whose gender is a mystery even to themselves, and the epitome of the found family trope, ex gov agent part Japanese, part Russian, part cyborg Vik, whose story isn't still clear yet but we'll give him a very good one, eventually.

You gave me the curiosity to read fanfiction again after literally NINE YEARS of being distant from that part of the fandom and honestly I don't regret it one bit. In fact, I discovered literally my favorite writer in fanfiction. That is you, Arnold. I don't care how frequently you write, I don't care if sometimes you can't do your best. I'll always be there waiting for the next chapter and I'll always think that your art is sublime. I'll have to admit, I don't read your works as often as I should. But it's because I love them so much that I want to always save for later. It's like a drug, or a delicious cake that you want it to last as long as possible so you can enjoy it for much longer (I should be reading your fic more often either way tho like, at least so I can make more art for it. I'll make sure to change that this year and give you the recognition you deserve 🖤).

Everytime I make art, everytime I make a post, I always wait for your name to pop in my notifs. And fuck if I'm happy when I see it, and I rush to read your tags and it always makes my day. Like seriously, you mean so much to me and I admire how you can still be any amount of sane with all you're going through. You're strong as hell, keep going. 🖤

@i-dont-like-rice dude, how can I explain it. You're my best bud here. You're my chaotic sibling from another mother. The other braindead I share the single braincell I have with. The Nikki to my Tommy. Or the Tommy to my Nikki, I'm still not sure which of us is which (I guess I'm Nikki and you're Tommy? lmao it's ironic how even them are an italian and a balkanian) but you get the point. Every interaction we have, I laugh my ass off till my whole body hurts every time. I think I worried my mother and annoyed my sister at least a couple times for bursting out laughing for five minutes straight out of the blue, especially if it was late at night, and all the times, I swear it was because of you. You are as chaotic as you are kind, and it's always so disarming to see you worry or take care of others when you are definitely in a worse situation. Please, be more selfish, goddammit. For your own sake. And be more confident of your art. Draw shit and post it. Who cares if it's not perfect and you hate it and you don't want anybody to see it, it's tumblr, nobody will ever reblog it or give you the well deserved recognition anyway! So it's worth a try isn't it?

@no-stone-no-bone seriously, I'm so glad I met you. You're like the third element of chaos that holds me and Andi together. All three of us are literally unstoppable. You're extremely sweet too and I wish you the best, and DON'T HIDE SHIT IN THE TAGS GODDAMMIT 😂

@white-lightning-625 @viiinceneil I know we really haven't talked much, and we met through unfortunate times, but I'm so glad that something good came out of the chaos and drama, which is being able to talk to you and getting to know you both better. And the fics. My god, the fics. Frankie, I already told you this but MY GOD. I still find it incredible that I've read a fic about a band I didn't even know what they looked or sounded like and I was HOOKED from start to finish. And Katie, I should definitely read more of your works because I love what you've got going on. You're both very sweet and talented with a very distinct, beautiful way of writing and I can't wait to sink my teeth into the pulp of your work, because I know that by now I only scratched the surface.

@awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands Bruh, conoscere una fan su tumblr the parla la MIA STESSA LINGUA (e che ha pure il mio stesso vero nome lmao cosa sta succedendo)??? Che concetto innovativo!!! Le nostre conversazioni sono sempre disgiunte, ma non importa, adoro ogni nostra interazione. Sei seriamente una delle persone più dolci e gentili che abbia mai conosciuto. La tua creatività stimola sempre la mia. Le tue moodboard sono sempre 👌👌👌 e ogni volta trovo sempre qualcosa che sì, ci avevo pensato, ma mai nel modo in cui lo poni tu, e di solito sono una persona che resta vicina alle proprie idee, ma tu riesci a farmi alterare prospettiva, e trovo questo meccanismo mentale molto affascinante. Ti ricordi lo swapped instruments AU, con Tommy come cantante, no? Giuro che è un concetto a cui penso ancora dopo mesi. Spero di avere la capacità mentale per tradurre quell'idea in arte il prima possibile, perché cazzo, lo adoro troppo

@tattooed-lies thank you for providing the fandom the best gifs in the fucking platform and thank you for giving us the vinikki content that everyone, even if they're not aware, deserves and needs. Thank you for being the only Vince stan that I know. Thank you for being the sweetest person alive 💖

@nbtommylee honestly, I wish I was cool like you. Your sense of humor is impeccable, much like your critical thinking. I have never read something from you that wasn't a valid point. You don't talk shit and that's extremely sexy of you, y'know? And having a "gender dysphoria buddy" to be jealous of our Rockstar Gender Of Choice with is always fun to have, so that's definitely a plus. Can't wait to see (and read!) more of your art, I just love your style so much and you deserve to be Known

@metalmelkor @emometalhead @polka-dot-duff I'm always so happy to see you in my notifs and y'all are oh so very sweet and cool, we haven't talked much but I love every interaction we have, sorry for having the social skills of a stale piece of white bread 🖤

A special thanks goes to @awesomgrlgr8job bc you're literally one of my very first mutuals since I made the decision to make this dumpster fire of a blog and holy shit it's crazy to think about that. I don't even know if we ever interacted that much but it's always such a joy to see you around, ily and I hope you're doing well and thanks for putting up with my clownery for so long 💖

Like seriously, thank you all. I don't even know where I would be without you. Here's to another year of chaos, but only of the good kind 💖

[fairycosmos]

when you say you'll miss therapy you mean it was helping you? i feel like a failure because i also tried it it months ago and it was a waste of time and money and energy. i also lost my sister 9 months ago. i have tried and nothing has helped. it stands to reason i have to die. and i want to die. i don't want help. i truly don't. i just want to die. right now. it's awful how these are just words but i am writing them while i am crying trying to come down from a panic attack and they seem so calm. i just want to go lie down with my sister and stay down there forever and sleep forever with her. nothing can help. i truly know this in my flesh. there is no help. i knew it before and i know it even more now. i want to die & nobody can understand.

hey. to be honest, while the therapist knew about my sister, i told her i wasn't ready to talk about the actual death and the trauma of it in detail. i only had 3 sessions with her overall and we started from my childhood. so when i said it helped i guess i just meant that finally acknowleding things from back then and conceptualizing them in actual reality and not just in my head, felt nice. i'm really really sorry about your sister. i say this a lot but there really isn't any words for it, and there really is no comfort either. i'm just so sorry. it is unbearable, i can't pretend otherwise. but you are definitely not a failure. finding the right therapist and the right timing for going to therapy is basically half the battle, it is so so important. it can take forever and it has nothing to do with personal fault. right now you don't want help, you said it yourself. and i'm not saying that in a blame-y way by the way, it is completely understandable. like, majorly. you have lost perhaps the most important thing in the world to you and nothing will ever be the same again. nobody gets it because all grief is unique, because all relationships are unique. it is literally a special kind of hell, and i'm right there with you. the words minimize the experience so much. this is the most unintangible chaos, unsayable heaviness and hurt. the fact is it can't be translated into an explanation, and that makes it all the more isolating. i don't blame you for wanting to give up because the suffering is so strong and relentless, though at the same time it's obvious to me that you deserve so much more than that. and again, you're not a failure. i hope you can practice letting go of that notion sometime, even if it feels like a lie. honestly, reaching out for help and talking to professionals might be something you do for the entirety of your adulthood. trying to find some resolution or modicum of acceptance may be a lifelong thing. and that is honestly ok, even if it is exhausting, even if it doesn't feel worth sticking around for at the moment. this is not a linear process. the only thing you have to focus on is getting through right now. that's how i do it, anyway. i pretend the future and the past don't exist sometimes, and i just try to survive the moment. not trying to be melodramatic but it feels a bit like burning alive or freezing to death, and counting down the seconds until the pain eases just a little. sometimes it seems like it never does, sometimes there are moments its broken by superficial distractions. to be frank, i keep thinking i'll find the perfect mantra to tell myself, and to tell other people like you, that will get us through this, but there just isn't one. sometimes it's all just incomprehensibly hard, and it can't be saved or made better. but i do understand, at least to an extent. and a lot of people do, it shocks me all the time how many of us are carrying it with us. like you i don't think there's anything that truly helps grief, not even time really, but there are things that briefly alleviate the bones of it. the talking, crying, honouring, like i said the distracting, even. and it's not enough at all, it never ever will be, it is still unfathomable pain on top of unfathomable pain. i'm just trying to show you that's not all there is, or all there's going to be. it's alright if you're not ready to get proper help yet or if you don't know what to do next, you don't have to know. just focus on making it through the next hour. try to treat yourself like you would a young child or a close friend, even when you want to self destruct. try as many times as you need to for it to work. it's fucking awful and i don't want to live without my sister either, if i thought about getting older without her for more than two minutes i don't know what i'd do. but unfortunately we are still alive and we do have to work with that. and sometimes working with it literally means crying for days on end in bed. the point is you're here, and i hope you can talk to someone with time, but regardless i am so sorry and so proud of you. the grief is constant, but the intensity of each breakdown is not built to last no matter how permanent it feels in the moment. my inbox is always open if you need someone. please contact a friend/family member/emergency services if you feel like ur a threat to your own life rn. please try not to listen to ur brain, whatever suicidal shit it's spewing, and get someone to be with you if you need it. i am so sorry. i'll keep you and your sister in my heart too. so much of her is you, she helped shape this whole world, and the wonderful person you are. that is never going to change. sending so much love x

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

[flying-elliska]

Ellie I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I actually want to say thank you for posting so openly about your diagnoses and struggles because I am going through something very similar, and it’s actually helped me reach out for help with my mental health. I’m 32 and after my moms death last year I am discovering that not only am I fairly certain that I have ADHD but, I’m starting to realize that I have spent my whole life dealing with Emotional Incest from my mother and that’s something I do not know how to even approach.

I have literally felt like I’ve been going crazy and functioning in the world is becoming harder and harder each day. I feel like I don’t have a handle on anything and I am constantly overwhelmed to a point where I don’t know how to cope but seeing you dealing with this is giving me some hope. I know I’m probably not the only person you’ve helped indirectly so please know that you’re not only helping yourself but you’re encouraging me and probably others to do the same. I really hope you find some peace and happiness today.

Anon 💖💖💖 thanks for reaching out, it means so much. I actually had a good (but exhausting) day - I confronted an acquaintance about him being a clueless asshole to some of my other friends, which I don't think I would have had the guts to do in the past. So maybe not peace and happiness, but definitely some satisfaction.

First of all I am very proud of you for reaching out and I am glad I could help in whatever small way I could. I am also sorry for what you went through and still have to deal with. I know it sucks. I am right there too rn in feeling how much it sucks. I think it's an important step to recognize that. IT FUCKING SUCKS. Because personally for a loooong time I was just pretending everything was fine, making excuses for the people who hurt me, but I was just running myself ragged and feeling so hollow and splintered and just.... And coming to a point where i'm finally looking these things in the face, and all that buried crap resurfaces...it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, just putting some of these things to paper, trying to do this all month, it's so ughhhhhhh fuck man. It's ugly work, I hate it, but at the same time, sometimes, it feels empowering too and like I am returning to myself and picking up all these shattered pieces and recognizing that part of me that suffered and deserved better that I tried so hard to deny and deaden. Reclaiming my ability to control my own narrative.

So honestly from what you're describing, I think it's very logical that you are having a hard time and feel overwhelmed. Hell, they say during recovery at the beginning it generally gets worse for a while before it gets better. So...even tho it sucks, in a sense, it might be a good thing ? I know it is for me. Much better than previous numbness and dissociation. The pain of truth is purifying - it's so different from the pain of secrets and shame festering in silence. Am I coping very well right now ? No, but I'm learning, and I'm also having these occasional moments of inner reconciliation and mending that feel miraculous ; like that scared, confused inner little girl I used to be feels increasingly less alone and trampled over.

Anyway the good news is that when it comes to ADHD, treatment has a high chance to have a radical positive impact, it's one of the diagnoses where finding the right combo of therapy/meds/lifestyle changes leads to some of the highest rates of positive change. So I really hope you get there.

The rest is...yeah I don't know how to deal with that either, I'm still figuring it out. My relationship with my mother was for so long such a fucking clusterfuck of layers of manipulation, unaddressed generational trauma, repressed grief, good intentions, petty cruelty, inappropriate behavior, unfortunate circumstances and neglect, over projection and blind devotion and gaslighting, enmeshment and lack of boundaries, abuse done for "your own good" with a smile and a reasonable explanation - it made me feel insane for so long, like I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions. And every time I felt like I had addressed one layer I hit on something else, to the point where I started to feel like I would never be free of it. I haven't seen her or properly talked to her in like, seven years and still all this time I was struggling with it - it was necessary to cut contact tho, to assert that boundary. And then to keep building boundaries from there, slowly, frustratingly, to keep digging and asking myself questions. I got stuck and lost so many times, but I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of the tunnel, because knowledge is one of the most powerful things in the world.

Real talk, the emotional incest thing ? I think my mother had a similar dynamic with her own father. And she tried to do better, but because she was unwilling to look at the true ugliness of the situation, instead choosing to wallpaper over it with magical thinking, everything-will-be-fine-if-i-convince-myself-it-is, and an obsession with moral purity, she ended up doing a massive amount of damage of her own. And I am not doing that.

There is a radical power that comes with facing the ugliness head on that I am claiming for myself, and it seems that you are embarking on a similar journey. It's a big thing so we can't do it all at once. I think doing sth like this you have to pace yrself, to chew off little piece by piece, to digest bit by bit, to let some things rot and dissolve, to go through many cycles of doubt and indignity and revelation, to hunt for the truth on pure Instinct and desperate need, to claw off a path from the dark and the impossible, to consider incompatible and paradoxical truths, to let every new bit of knowledge work its way through you and make you stronger and stranger and more yourself. To let yrself be a little bit crazy and seething and deranged, to shake loose the confines of what you thought was reasonable, to find gifts and allies in unlikely places. To expose, to open up, little by little, to find scraps of words that turn into full sentences, to take back power by finding the right name of things. And then, one day, we'll give birth to ourselves this time and we'll find the sun-bleached bones of this horror and make it into jewelry. Or something.

You don't have a handle on things ? Good ! It's probable you have had a handle on things for way too long. Your handle is probably completely broken. So I don't know you, but maybe this is good, in all its harsh inconvenient terrifying way. I know I had to throw away the handle I had first to build a new one. And flying loose for a moment which yeah ! Fucking scary. But also kind of badass, in that private way maybe nobody will ever know but you and so it's extra important you give yourself that credit.

Anyway I'm rambling but I do hope some of this gives you some extra validation. I'm here if you want to talk more, including by message. I know it's helped me so much to read abt other people's experiences, so. It's like a chain of courage, and you can be part of that too.

Also books have helped me so much - some fiction, but especially of late 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed - she's an advice columnist who writes about some super gnarly stuff in such a direct, humane, powerful way, it gave me a lot of strength.

Power and solace to you, anon. 🌸💪🌸💪

[brewing-mischief]

You know I'd really like to read a deh fanfiction where Connor and Evan run into each other really hard, get knocked unconscious by the force and then wake up in the hospital in each other's bodies.

The doctor's say they both have amnesia since they're all "who are you people" to their 'families' and cant seem to remember their names.

"What's your name"

"Evan...Hansen?

"Evan is fine, he came in with you and is talking to a doctor right now. What is YOUR name?"

"Ummm....?????"

The boys figure out they switched bodies but dont say anything to avoid looking more crazy to their families. I think itd be cool to read about how both of them get a little taste of what they need.

Connor gets to go to therapy (Dr.S is assuming that the amnesia is the reason Evan has gained a different personality. Thinking that since he has forgotten his trama his brain has built a new personality off of different core memories creating an Evan that is less full of anxiety? Idk I'm not a psychologist. Im thinking later Connor would slip up revelling to much of his actual life which leads Dr.S to believe that Evan has DID and that Connor is a new personality formed from the incident. He would think Connor's memories are actually a creation of a world Evan would have liked. His parents still being together-even though he knows it wouldn't work out in the long run which caused the 'dream' to go dark. Connor is like "I have no idea what you're talking about but if your chill with dealing with me I'm good" Dr.S continues to treat Connor as though 'Evan's fantasy' AKA Connor's real life is reality because he believes that this 'fantasy' is holding Evan dormant.) <- [This of course is just DR.S's psychological interpretation. Realty is that its just a bodyswap. However if you like that theory of Connor actually being a personality of Evan go right ahead a write that. I'm not stopping you]

Connor also gets to eat normal food like Pizza and tacos and anything that isnt some weird Vegan fat-free mess Cynthia makes

Connor gets he's space. Hes not constantly beaten down on by his parents for every step he takes. Heidi is incredibly chill. She's very worried about his well being but shes not invasive like his parents are who just want to tear him down. She continues to reiterate that she loves and supports him which allows Connor to slowly drop his walls.

With these supports in place Connor slowly begins to stop smoking/cutting (I have a feeling he may have also stopped at the begining because he respects the fact that this isnt his body and doesnt want to damage it but it is HARD) however most of his needs to cut/smoke are in his head. Which is awful because addiction is hard to quit. But he doesnt have to deal with physical withdrawal symptoms. (Headaches, nausea ect.) Which helps

Connor also stands up to Jared real quick so Jared learns to get his priorities straight or he finds himself left behind

Evan on the other hand has a whole family unit. He finally gets attention 24/7 which is great. Larry is a little harsh with him because hes Connor but it's less than usually since 'Connor' has no idea what hes talking about and doesnt give him a fight anymore. Cynthia is constantly hovering over him with scrapbooks to jog his memory. Zoe just tries to keep her distance but shes always in the background just staring at him trying to figure him out. The whole family is serriously just thrown off about how nice/figitty 'Connor' is. He's tripping over his words and apologizing as much as he breathes.

Evan does go through Connor's physical withdrawal because Evan is not about smoking. He suffers. The first day he keeps craving something but doesnt know what. He tells Cybthia who tries to help him match/satisfy it but nothing works. The next couple of dayd hes serriously sick/agitated. That's when Larry realised 'Connor' is going through withdrawls and is like "oh wow. Ok" and he starts being nicer. He is still somewhat stuck in the "what does it matter, Connor is going to go back to normal soon enough and it wont matter what he does right now" but Evan is being the perfect son so he cant really stay angry. He actually begins to bond with him again.

Evan just gets attention. He gets to sit down and have dinner and talk with people. He gets that family support hes been craving. He doesnt have to worry about being a financial burden because the Murphys are loaded

Evan would probably try to get close to Zoe but she pushes him away like nobody's business. Eventually she would cave and mabye do his nails or something but something about it feels off. Connor likes doing his nails and rn 'Connor ' seems to be very against the idea because "nail polish is for girls, what if people see it and think I'm a freak ect." So now shes even more suspicious about this whole amnesia thing. It wouldn't change her brother this much, would it?

Idk how Evan would think about everyone at school. Because they see him, they notice his existence but it's mostly out of fear and hatred. I feel like that would leave him a little bit panicked.

Anyway, after a week or two Connor goes over to his house to visit Evan and see how everything is being managed. Zoe sneaks a peek on them and notices something. Shes met Evan once or twice before so she didnt really make the connection until now when she can see them both. But 'Connor' is behaving like Evan, and 'Evan' is acting like Connor. Something is definitely off. She confronts them and without much of an argument to steer her off course they eventually give in and tell her what has been going on. She joins their team of figuring out what happened, how to go back and later in the story where the climax drama happens IF they should go back.

The IF drama is basically both parties know they have to go back but also dont want to....

It's just, Connor likes the freedom and trust Heidi gives him. He misses his sister but he also whitnessed his parents loving Evan more than they ever did to him. And that makes him furious because that means he was/will never be good enough for them. He takes this out on Evan since he knows Evan likes his family. He feels like Evan stole them from him even though he knows that's not true.

Evan wants his mom back. When he goes to visit 'Evan' hes a complete stranger to her and that hurts like hell. Plus He doesnt like being hated at school and furthermore he needs his therapy again. But the Murphy family is just so perfect. He has a father figure and a Mom whose always around and Zoe (who has become less of a crush through the experience and more a friend) and he doesnt have to listen to Jared being mean to him/claim they only hang out for car insurance. He has a strong support unit here and hes become more confident from the love they feed him.

So it's just this complicated mess of emotions.

I dont know how it would wrap up since they both have to go back but I think itd be really great to see these boys get better because their circumstances/situations switch. After all Tragedy is only a tragedy becuase the hero is in the wrong story. (I think I read that in a post talking about how Macbeth and Hamelt would have ended happily if only the two main characters were in each others stories since Macbeth would have killed the uncle real quick well Hamelt would have stopped to think instead of jumping in feet first. They made a good point and I want to apply that theory to this story)

Anyway those are my thoughts. Tag me if you write it

[pocket-void]

Bro I am a sucker for world building, just read any of my AU's to see that lol. But if you like questions, the the SoH AU, how do they meet each other. I can imagine they all have a common goal it seems, well most, to stop the war and bring peace. But, I can also imagine that they do NOT trust each other.

World building is my absolute JAM! I can honestly do it forever, it’s just really fun crafting societies and worlds for stories to take place in, y’know? ^///^ It’s probably one of the reasons I like D&D so much.

But anyways, yes, you are absolutely correct! Everyone is more or less on the same page, but the main conflict centers around how they interact with each other! Character interaction based stories are my absolute favorites, and the SoH AU is mostly just interpersonal conflict. Can they work together to successfully reunite the kingdoms? Will the courts crush the rebellion before they reach that agreement? Or will they perhaps inadvertently destroy each other in the process? OOooh drama, one of my favorite flavors of it no less. o///o

I’ll give you a general plot run down I guess? Focusing on when they actually meet instead of like, actual plot threads. (This story has way too many layers, but what thing I make doesn’t at this point-) I wasn’t planning on putting tons of thought into this currently, but since you’re curious I’ll tell ya what I’ve got. ^///^

If this were a comic or fic, the story would be broken up into various points of views and basically tell different parts of the story at different times. Eventually everything gets pieced together by the climax, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Please note that these notes are out of order, but here’s how each of them eventually meet up:

Janus is the first person to meet everybody in the story at least once, under various different aliases thanks to his shapeshifting ability

He doesn’t approve of a lot of them

Mostly because they either seem unsuited for their cause or completely unwilling to cooperate

He thinks Roman is dangerous

He knows Logan is powerful but untrusting

He thinks Patton is valuable but soft

He and Virgil just flat out don’t get along

Patton and Virgil don’t realize that they’ve met Janus somewhere before when he’s introduced later

Logan and Roman do notice, but don’t really mention it

Well, Roman does, but like, vaguely and ominously for the aesthetic

---

Janus and Remus met a long long time ago. They’ve known each other for years.

They met in the land of Diamonds, which was strange because Remus is a Clover. 

He claims to be a runaway since he was young, though Janus finds that a little odd regardless.

They become pretty decent friends, and eventually skedaddle out of Diamond territory together once Janus gets cursed and is officially branded a traitor to the court

Eventually JOKER is formed and they’ve had eachother’s backs ever since. Though admittedly Janus doesn’t really know a whole lot about Remus in the grand scheme of things.

---

Remus kind of goes around acting like a wanted criminal very often; he has absolutely no fear

He is in fact Roman’s twin, their parents were of two suits and so they ended up being like that too

Unfortunately that causes a lot of problems when you’re a Clover in the Land of Diamonds, so he ended up being hidden away for safety a lot until he just ran off.

Remus’ core is actually unstable, which is why nobody (Not even himself) can figure out what his rank is

Patton eventually figures that out but he isn’t sure if there was a way to fix that

Honestly Remus thinks it’s super cool like that

He meets Logan by attempting to con him, but it ends up with them getting into an even larger scheme and busting some sort of underground trading ring

Logan thinks he’s insufferable, but a Clover is more bearable than a Diamond any day

---

Somewhere in the beginning in the Kingdom of Spades Logan comes to the realization of just how corrupt the higher court truly is.

He blows up at a higher ranking official for making clearly lackluster and inefficient decisions to manipulate and twist things in their favor and simultaneously quits and gets exiled for this. (Literally just “You can’t fire me, I quit”)

Well actually the court can’t just let him walk off like that, and basically try to get him assassinated

He realizes something is off and anticipates the ambush, but he’s still terribly outnumbered and gets really wounded, though he manages to escape into Hearts territory where he collapses in the snow and gets found by Patton

---

Patton’s workshop is in a really obscure alleyway, and there’s metal cuff latched onto his right wrist. He’s basically under house arrest for his history of trying to harbor fugitives.

He finds Logan during an outing and takes him in like a good Samaritan of course

Logan is still in his scholarly robes and so he’s instantly identifiable as a Spade, not that Patton wouldn’t find out regardless but still

Patton heals his wounds as best he can while Logan rests, since he was out in the snow for quite a while

Logan bolts up and almost causes a scene when he finally wakes, and Patton has to convince him he won’t turn him in to the high court

They don’t get along the best until Logan lowers his guard a little and figures out a way for Patton to escape house arrest (He fiddles with the bracelet along with Patton’s soul smithing abilities, not going in to the science of that rn)

Logan stays with Patton while he figures out his next course of action

He admittedly respects Patton’s profession and finds it very interesting, since the Spade court lacks a lot of info on the matter

---

Virgil has actually dueled Janus on a few occasions, and the main reason is mostly just because they don’t get along. He finds the man untrustworthy, which is a fair assessment ngl.

He meets Remus under better circumstances

They meet one day while Virgil is on patrol, since Remus is a Clover he’s the one in charge of doing errands in Clover territory

They get along alright and Virgil admits to him that he doesn’t think the high courts are doing what’s right for the people

Remus uses that opportunity to kind of nudge him into doing rebellion stuff, which Virgil actually declines

He does set out on a personal quest soon after though, and resigns from his position as a guard

It raises a few suspicions in the court, and a lot of people were against his choice, but Virgil was firm and he left before anyone could say anything more

He meets Logan somewhere down the line in Hearts territory with Patton, they’re pretty snippy with each other in the beginning

The three stay together at Patton’s for a while and are almost busted twice before deciding to leave

Patton stays at first but eventually he joins their plans to rebel and save the people, since he knows how much they’ve been suffering under the court’s rule

---

Roman gets a few visits sprinkled in various parts of the story

He meets Janus rather early, who visits him to ask for his assistance

It doesn’t work out very well

Janus is challenged to a duel, but because of the curse inflicted on him he was in no condition to fight a King ranked individual

He promises to find Roman a suitable opponent, to which Roman agrees to help the cause if Janus manages to do so

Virgil kind of stumbles upon his castle while travelling and gets roped into a bizarre tea party where Roman just kind of complains to him the whole time

Roman doesn’t take the Jack seriously but he enjoys company regardless

They quip a lot and kind of become friends, and Roman leaves him with some ominous words about the future and bids him farewell

Somewhere down the line Logan goes to formally challenge Roman to a duel, and they have quite possibly the most ridiculous and wild fight that ends in half of Roman’s castle in rubble and the Diamond court having a massive collective headache

Logan earns Romans respect and they settle stuff over tea

And those are my scattered and bare bone ideas written for you at 2:20 AM in the morn. o///o

[scullysexual]

hunger games au (with mulder and scully)

Just a little self-indulgence fic and an idea that wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m sorta proud of it rn and decided to post it. This is pretty much for myself and I’m not gonna much in terms of making sure everyone reads it. If you like it, feel free to let me know if not bye. Not much is gonna be changed in terms of plot, this is literally going to be fanfiction in it’s finest form. It might have elements of a crossover if I can’t find the appropriate xf character to play the hunger games character but we’ll see. Words: 2809.

- - - 

There’s nothing there except a swirling black void, harsh waves crashing, screams of men, and a father drowning in the sea.

Dana wakes just before her father goes under. Her stomach tightly coiled with a realisation that her consciousness has yet to remember.

It’s chilly, the tips of Dana’s fingers red raw from the cold night. She tucks them beneath the blankets and rolls over to the other side. Adjacent to her lies her sister, buried beneath three blankets. Only the tip of her noise is really visible, the rest of her obscured by blankets or vibrant red hair.

Not too far away is her younger brother spread out in the space left by their elder. And finally, on the double bed near the corner, her mother sleeps.

Dana rises, pulling off the covers and bracing the chill. She dresses quickly and quietly, careful not to wake her remaining family members. She pulls on yesterday’s clothes, her boots, clips her hair back in its familiar style and heads towards the kitchen.

“Morning.”

Bill Jr. sits at the table, lacing up his shoes, his miner’s hat beside him.

His presence startles Dana.

“I thought you’d be gone by now,” Dana says. She makes her way towards the jug of water.

“I’m going now,” he tells her.

Bill stands almost immediately after and picks up his hat.

“There’s not a lot of bread left. Make sure you leave enough for Mom, Missy, and Charlie.”

Dana’s eyes move to the basket holding the bread. Bill was right, there’s barely any left. She adds trading with the baker onto her mental list of things to do today.

Bill hasn’t gotten far down the street before Dana’s following him but he doesn’t slow down to walk with her or even take note that she’s behind him. It’s no bother to Dana anyway, as he turns left, she turns right, headed towards the woods.

Technically, entering this area of the District is illegal. Hunting and trading is high on the list of crimes and the punishment for it is death. At least it should be. Most turn a blind-eye to it. The Peacekeepers that guard the city are just as poor and hungry as many of the other residents and while only a few will venture into the woods themselves to procure food and plants, they won’t say anything if they catch you trading.

It’s the Capitol you really need to look out for and their cameras. While it’s not been confirmed, it’s rumoured that they hide cameras so as to spy on the Districts. Dana has yet to find any cameras walking around town and with the fence meant to keep wild animals out, she doubts there would be any cameras in the woods.

But still, she bares it in mind when she enters.

There was a time when she didn’t need to hunt. There was a time she didn’t live in the Seam. Most residents of District 12 are miners however her father was one of the fortunate ones not to have that profession. He was a sailor, in charge of carting coal in a ship back and forth to the Capitol. He was also one of the rare ones to be allowed to leave.

He used to say the Scullys were for fit for District 4- the fishing district. There was even some speculation that the family was from there originally and somehow ended up in this district.

She can still the remember the house they lived in, caught between the Merchant Town and the Seam. Her only problem back then was having a sense that she didn’t belong anywhere. Too poor for the Merchant Town residents, too rich for the Seam residents. Even when they had to move, the Seam residents still viewed her as one of the more fortunate ones.

The move had been caused by the death of her father. Caught in a storm just off District 4, his ship had capsized, killing all members onboard. The family had been notified of his death via an eviction notice. Her mother had crumbled, becoming just a shell of her former self. Billy had tried to become the man of the house and, in theory, he was but he was too much of a rule abider and even when things began to take a sharper turn for the worse, he still wouldn’t venture into the woods to hunt. Melissa was just too soft to hunt. Dana had tried to teach her but Missy had started crying at the sight of the wounded creature. Charlie, the youngest, was just too young at the time. He was seven- too scared and confused to really do it anything. So it had all fallen down to Dana, at eleven years old, her stomach grumbling, it came down to her to get the food on the table and it had been that way ever since.

Dana follows the path of stamped grass and weeds all the way to the entrance to the woods. Not a real entrance, just heavy-duty netting that’s been ripped and nobody’s bothered to fix. The fence is supposed to be electrified all day, every day but there’s barely enough electricity to power the important buildings, nobody wants to waste it on this. Still though, Dana listens for the faint buzzing and if there isn’t one, it’s safe and she sneaks through.

The woods don’t scare her anymore. There are still the wild animals lurking about but as soon as she’s armed with her dagger and spear she feels practically invincible against them.

She reaches for her weapons now, hidden behind a fallen tree, deep down in a hole. It’s nothing fancy, metal is hard to come by so the spear is just pieces of wood stuck together but it’s effective and sharp and does the job.

Her dagger, however, is the real treasure. On one of her father’s trips a man had given it to him and when her father returned he kept it hidden from the rest of his family, presenting it to her the first time they came out here.

While they had no reason to hunt when her father was alive, her dad had still taught her to. That had surprised her, he always appeared much like Bill Jr., always following the laws. Until Bill, however, William Scully was smart. He knew his profession made him stand out against the miners, knew the Capitol would see him as a looming problem, knew that one of these days his time would be up, his family would finally suffer the consequences and they would need every help they could get.

The dagger was expensive. A green and gold handle with real sharp steel at the end of it. They would have a lot of anything they wished for if Dana sold it but none of her family members knew about it and it was the last gift her father ever gave her.

“What took you so long?”

Dana turns to see Ethan standing behind her, already prepared with his bow on his back and his own wooden spear at his side. He was the closest thing she had to a friend, having found each other the first time Dana fully ventured into the woods without her father. She had been scared when she saw him, tried to run for it but fell over instead. Ethan had been furious, screaming at her that she had scared his dinner away. Dana felt tears prick her eyes but she would not cry even as he called her stupid and useless. Finally he asked what she was here for.

“To hunt,” Dana said meekly.

Ethan had laughed, shaking his head and walked away.

A few days past since at incident and she hadn’t seen him again, not until she was trying to kill a rabbit. Leaning against a tree, watching her struggle. He hadn’t announced himself, for the longest time Dana didn’t even know he was behind her but an arrow had pierced the rabbits head and that’s when she spun around and saw him.

After that they became hunting partners. He would shoot the smaller animals with his arrows, her the bigger animals with her spear. Eventually, Dana had mastered stealth. She knew how to sneak up on the animals without startling it and kill it with her dagger.

She also looked for plants, too. Some for eating, some for healing. There were no hospitals here, most replied solely on homecare or you could pay a visit to the Scullys where they would stitch you up and allow you to live a little longer.

And that was her day. Hunting animals and trading in the early mornings, school till three o’clock, and a healer in the evenings.

All except today.

“How are you feeling?” Ethan asks as they begin their usual route through the woods.

Dana thinks back to the way her stomach coiled when she woke. The worry for herself, for her family. For Ethan and his family.

“How everyone feels on this day,” she answers.

This day. By law, written as a holiday but in reality it is as far away from one as possible. School is shut, businesses close early, everyone meets at the Square by 2pm, dressed in their best preparing themselves to cry themselves to sleep or sigh in relief that they have survived another year.

“We’ve been lucky this far,” says Ethan with a shrug.

It’s all bravado, she knows. He’s just as worried as she is. But she has gotten lucky. Three siblings and herself and not once since becoming of age has any of them got chosen. Still, each year becomes more nerve-wrecking. Melissa’s eighteen, her name is in that box eight times. Bill’s aged out, thank god. Dana lost count how many times her name has been entered (taking tesserae means your name is added each time as a trade but there’s only enough for one person so Dana’s had to take out one for each member of her family already making her name being entered four times more. The tesserae given out isn’t enough to last which means taking out more and in return her name being entered multiple times more). It’s only Charlie, who only turned twelve last month, who’s name has been entered once. He’s the least of her worries.

Ethan isn’t much better. While he only has an older brother, who has also now aged out, he’s just as poor as her, his name is also in that box more than it should be.

“Come on,” says Ethan pulling her thoughts away from boxes and names. “Let’s focus on hunting. Maybe find something nice to celebrate later.”

Dana watches him walk off for a moment, temporarily stunned.

“You’re really not worried?” she asks.

He stops and looks over to her, his eyes scarily vacant.

“We don’t need to worry till 2.”

He’s right, Dana realises. Worry makes her clumsy, loud, and if she wants her family and herself to eat tonight, she needs to push that worry away.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Dana pushes the front door open carrying her winnings in a bag at her side. She’d done good today, most people at the Hob were anxious to sell before they had to shut down for the day. In the woods, she had managed to kill three squirrels, earning her one and a half loafs of bread from the baker, a few coins for selling the strawberries, and even a turkey to eat tonight. The greens she found, she kept herself, rabbit pelts she traded for a blanket, and a few herbs to add to the medicine cabinet.

Melissa greets her when she enters, already dressed in what looks to be one of their mother’s old dresses from when she was younger. Her hair is pulled back and braided in parts. She looks beautiful but then Melissa always looks beautiful no matter what.

“Dana’s back!” she calls.

“Send her in!” Mom shouts back.

Melissa takes the bag, putting the stuff away and Dana enters the bedroom here her mother is currently having a fight with Charlie’s hair.

“Put that on.” She nods to the floral dress laying on the bed.

Dana hates dresses but it’s almost customary to wear one. That or a skirt. Something feminine.

“That’s gonna have to do.” Maggie pats Charlie on the shoulder telling him he can go. “Is Bill back yet?” Maggie asks.

“He wasn’t in the kitchen,” Dana answers as she climbs into the dress.

“I don’t want us being late,” Maggie mutters.

Her mother almost becomes unbearable on this day. Stressing and running around like times is going to go quicker just because it’s today. They could have a whole 24 hours and she’ll still be worrying that if someone isn’t back at this time it’s just going to make them late.

Once dressed, Dana sits as Maggie pulls the clips out of her hair along with leaves and dirt.

“If you’d come back sooner you’d have had time to bathe.”

“Sorry, I was out getting our dinner for tonight.” There’s a harshness to Dana’s tone as she says the words. She still felt a slight resentment towards her mother. She went away in many of her children’s eyes, leaving them to fend for themselves. Had it not been for Dana, Maggie would have watched all her children die of starvation and not done anything about it while she withered away herself.

Her mother’s proclaims of she was grieving weren’t a good enough excuse for Dana. They were all grieving after all, all coming to terms with his new life, yet they didn’t stay in bed all day.

Her mother was better now but Dana was waiting for the day she would disappear again. It happened once, it can happen again.

There’s a slight tug on her hair in response to her words and Dana tells herself to keep quiet.

Melissa enters and seats herself on the other stool. Her presence is sure to stop any more awkward conversations and stray comment between Dana and their mother.

“You okay?” Missy asks.

Dana nods. She tries to draw on Ethan’s strength, his optimism.

“Lasted this long, haven’t I?”

Melissa smiles. “One more year and it’s over.” She’s talking about herself. One more year and it is over for her. She no longer has to worry. She just has to suit up for the mines or follow her mother and become an official healer.

A silence passes over all three women for a moment. Dana watches her mother braid her hair in the mirror, Melissa messes with one of the clips her sister was wearing earlier. It’s quiet except for the sound of the door opening and Charlie saying hi to their brother. There’s a bit of chatter between the two by the door but nothing the girls really pay attention to.

“It’s barbaric.”

Dana’s eyes widen and Melissa stops playing with the clip. They eye each other in shock as if their mother has just broken the law or something.

In some cases, she just did.

Negative words aren’t supposed to be said about the Games, even in the safety of their houses. They’re a holiday, a festivity meant to be enjoyed and looked forward to.

At least that is the case in the Capitol and the Career Districts.

In all the others, the Games are seen, as their mother just said, as barbaric. Brutal, cruel, and vicious. To put 24 kids in an arena and watch them fight to the death is viewed with the heaviest of contempt. But it’s a punishment and a reminder of a history that can’t be forgotten.

“You should watch what you say,” says Dana calmly. “People could be listening.”

Melissa’s eyes look wearily around the room as if trying to find who could be listening. Dana doesn’t believe they are but on a day like today, she couldn’t be completely sure about that.

“You’re done,” says Maggie moving away. “I’ll make sure Bill looks presentable and then we’ll leave.”

Dana runs her hand through the braid, silently admiring her mother’s work.

“Do you really think they’re listening to us?” Melissa whispers. “Patty Bullock said that at school once. Nobody believed her but…”

“They film everything today, don’t they?” Dana says, her attention still on her hair. “Do you really think they start at 2?”

It was almost unheard of for Dana to speak like this but she had her doubts about the validity of this theory. Still, it was good to be mindful of it’s possible truth.

“You sound like a boy in my class,” says Melissa. “His nickname is Spooky.”

The door opens with Charlie telling them it’s time to go. They follow each other out, headed for the Square, and Dana doesn’t think much more of this Spooky.