#anyways sometimes I miss washy but it made me stressed out so I’m also glad to be away from it heheh

[miserye]

I hate looking through my fic lists because IT MAKES ME WANNA READ THEM ALL AGAIN

[megape]

Gifts (Blog Post)

Hi, I haven’t made a blog post in awhile regarding my growth, but that’s because I’ve been in a wishy-washy way of thinking. A lot of decisions are in my life right now, at least it feels like it, and I suppose they tend to overwhelm me. But I’ve been on new meds and I’m super stoked to see if they help out so anyway, regardless of this way of thinking, I’ve been bestowed a new healthier one! It’s like a new pair of glasses!! (Get ready for the sappiness because you guys that I tagged know I love you all to bits and if you don’t it’s about to be obvious.)

There’s a lot to point out for me in this blog post so I’m just going to ramble a bit as always.

First off, my relationship with YHWH hasn’t been the best lately. I dunno, I’ve been distant because of my depression. It got so bad a month or two ago that suicide was all I had thought about. For years I had prayed for a miracle, like They would swoop down and save me from my illness. I think I may have disregarded a lot of what They did for me on a day-to-day basis because I was looking for Them to take the Depression/Anxiety away and not just to help me through it. This put a toll on the relationship. Especially when it got to those suicidal thoughts I was having. I kept asking Them, “Am I suppose to die young? Am I being punished? Do I deserve this? Why am I hurting so much? Where are you?” 

And I remember one night I was crying to Them, specifically Him because I needed a father that night, and I told Him if he couldn’t be there beside me (which was a lie I was telling myself because of course He was right there beside me) that the least He could do was make me laugh. Ironically the next day was Easter so YHWH decided to bust out some dad jokes to make me feel better. He asked me, “What’s a bunny’s favorite way to hop?” And I remember sniffling in confusion as if he was about to tell me the stupidest joke known to man. And he responded, “To the Blitzkrieg hop! Get it? Because bunnies hop and the Blitzkrieg Bop is a song?”

I got a little off tangent, but the point of saying this experience is because that was a miracle. I may not of thought about it as so at the time, but They spoke to me and I let myself hear Them. 

It wasn’t until like two weeks or so ago that my therapist was telling me that maybe They had been sending miracles this entire time and I just never noticed because I was so stuck in my box of depression/anxiety. Which was true because I had more faith that my depression would consume me than that YHWH could save me! 

So she started to ask me the things I had been praying for and ways that They had been providing for those prayers already. I liked the way she worded it too, she called them “gifts.” So I started thinking about things differently and picked out scenarios in my head that were probably gifts from YHWH to help subdue my depression/anxiety.

One of the biggest wishes I’ve had is to not feel lonely. Specifically I kept praying for a romantic partner, but I never stopped to realize that in order to get there I had to have friends to create that from. And regardless of that, They provided me with plenty of friends when I needed it most and I completely disregarded it because it wasn’t a boyfriend or girlfriend. To point out, I sometimes appreciate the way the wind blows and completely forget to appreciate the fact that I had my best friend come down from Canada for over a week. I miss huge things because I get so stuck in the gloom that I look for tiny things too much. They’ve blessed me with some amazing people in my life right now and I never stopped to realize that they’ve been planted in my life as gifts to help with my depression/anxiety. This entire struggle where I ask for all these different prayer requests are being answered in smaller and bigger ways than I’ve cared to notice. I’ve been so stuck in my box that I haven’t gotten the chance to thank them for actually being a part of my healing.

I kept wanting Them to rescue me from my illness, but I forgot that in order to be saved I have to acknowledge and use the tools given to me so that I can be saved! It’s like someone throwing down a rope or giving me a boat or throwing me a float while i’m stuck in water. I kept wanting them to just take me from the water and didn’t realize they were giving me SO many options to get out and I just had to use the tools given to me. Granted, this healing will take time, but that’s why They’ve provided lots of tools and opportunities. 

So in essence of this realization I’m going to list some things off that have made me super happy and were probably gifts that They’ve been handing to me to help myself heal and grow.

-I made a really amazing friend at my old job and he’s been with me through thick and thin at this point. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s constantly reassuring me he’ll stay by my side and ilhsm. I don’t know what I’d do with you Chris.

-The friends who kept me going through school. Wow, I don’t think I would have made it without your support and goofy antics.

-Um, I went to Pride last year and that was SO much fun!!!!!!

-I have the opportunity to go to this church that’s nondenominational and they’ve been really accepting and loving. I also might try a universalist church because I feel like I want to go and create a community in order to help push me forward in healing.

-I made a super fucking awesome friend through this cute lil dating app and he’s been like the light of my life lately. Honestly I’ve done so many fun things with him these past couple months and he’s opened my life up to Dungeons and Dragons so that’s pretty radical!!! You may not know it, but you’ve been a really big blessing to my life. I’m glad you’re here on this planet at the same time as me. Sorry about the sappiness, but it’s true. :p

-I have this sweet lil bb of a friend that always checks in on me and sends me cute and funny things despite the fact that I’ve been a distant friend to her. ilysm Snikkers <3

-There’s yet another friend who has been there since practically my childhood who I’ve connected with progressively more as I’ve grown up. She’s amazing and funny and we laugh so much when we’re together. Whether it was webkinz and One Direction or to laughing about boys and sexuality you have been the best, Faith.

-My therapist. <3

-I have a really big imagination and it helps being able to create characters, I guess sort of like imaginary friends, that I can go through it with. Also, my imagination helps me have more faith that YHWH is beside me because I can imagine what it would be like and know that it’s happening. Even though I can’t “see” YHWH holding my hand or dancing in the car with me... I can imagine it and know that that’s exactly what’s going on.. even if my (earthly(?)) eyes can’t witness it yet. 

-I have the raddest and most amazing internet friend in the entire universe. She’s constantly there through thick and thin and wants to help even though I push her away sometimes. She’s been a definite miracle from God because I prayed for her a long time ago and she’s stayed in my life for MANY years now! wow, claps to you my best friend and soul sister

-My parents are the bomb. they’re funny and constantly asking how I’m doing and wanting to help in any way they can. They ask me all the time what they can do if I’m feeling sad and help me when I’m stressed. They’ve come along for a tough journey and I’m glad YHWH gave me parents that handle my issues with love. Though it may be hard at times and we may not see eye-to-eye they have always been there to learn and grow beside me.

-And lastly, all of these people and experiences (plus so many more I didn’t list, but will list below) have fulfilled my love languages in ways I never noticed until now. Like, YHWH has provided me with some pretty wicked people and I never really stopped to say thank you to anyone. 

So thank you:

To my friends @youcant-takemysky @imagine-starco @el-ahrairahthefakeghost @hamilzies @pontmarius and the others who don’t have tumblrs or I didn’t mention here. Here’s to the fun memories and quality time, conversations, words of encouragement, acts of service, physical affection, and gifts along the way. To me you’ve been gifts I couldn’t be more thankful for!

Sorry if this is too sappy for you; I just want everyone to know I love them unconditionally. If you know me, are getting to know me, or are a complete stranger: our interactions together make life worth living. If we can all give love and learn to receive it we can make this world a better place. :) ~