#anyways. speaking of the rest. this is so weak in comparison i'm sorry

[yangjeongin]

INTRODUCING … STRAY KIDS! (S-CLASS VER.)

[ayyyez]

Headcanons on shisui, minato, and Yamato on how they'd react to their s/o (civilian shinobi or otherwise:)) getting attacked and almost dying? 😭 need the agnst in my life rn I love ur work ur iconic uwu

A/N: the angsssst! but it's okay I love angst it's what I do haha but mostly as long as it has a happy ending because we deserve that as a treat as do they. And aw thanks sm!

TAGS: angst, reader attacked/almost dies, sad characters, mini scenarios rather than headcanons, mentions of hospitals, mentions of wounds, mentions of being impaled, no graphic injuries, characters blaming themselves, long post under cut

CHARACTERS: Shisui Uchiha, Minato Namikaze, Yamato

SHISUI UCHIHA

Shisui is usually the calm and collected one no matter the situation. He can take out any enemy. Always has a plan and can lighten any situation with a lighthearted quip should it call for it.

But this, oh god nothing can prepare him for this.

You're not supposed to be able to get hit. Your entire jutsu is supposed to be impenetrable. More so than that, he's supposed to be your eyes in case things go wrong, your back up.

The enemy found a weak spot though—pulled a thread in the seam everything falls apart right in front of him.

Shisui feels so powerless as he calls your name.

'I've got you.' He says, catching you just before you hit the ground.

He ducks for cover as kunai come at him from all sides. The rest of the squad focus on the guy who got you. Taking down the rest of the enemies is a sinch in comparison. He can't even think about anything else except getting you out and alive.

When he makes it through the thick of the trees he feels you tremble in his arms.

'Shisui.' You call his name, same as you have a thousand times before but this time it's so quiet, almost ghostly.

Shisui is terried to look down but he has to. He can't let you down by betraying his fears. He needs to make you feel safe.

'H-hey.' He doesn't mean to let his voice slip and tremble as he sees how you don't look so good. 'It's going to be alright. We're almost there.'

You manage a nod.

By the time he makes it to the medics you begin to fade and he panics. They take you off his hands and into the tent to tend to your wounds.

Shisui spends the whole time pacing outside pale as a ghost.

He can't sit or stand still. He's a jolting mess. He can barely accept the water or food offered to him by his comrades.

It's the longest wait of his life waiting for you to wake up.

'Shisui.' Is the first thing you say as you come to.

He cries he's so overcome with emotion. Takes your hand and drops his face against it. Poor Shisui is so exhausted and has been so scared he just loves you so much.

MINATO NAMIKAZE

Guilt overwhelms Minato as he sits in the hospital room waiting for you to wake up.

He wasn't there when you had been injured because he held so much faith in your ability to hold your own and now he can't help but blame himself for being so carless. He should have been there. He should have been with you.

It's not that now he believes you can't handle yourself, it's that he should have been there anyway. Anyone can slip up. Anything can happen. This is proof of that and he knows that now.

If he could go back and do things differently— 

No it's too late for that. He would do right and better by you now.

He stays by your side each day waiting for you to wake up. He speaks to you, tells you little things about each day that are trivial but also deep things like how much he cares for you.

'I'm sorry.' He whispers, stroking your hand. 'I love you, I'll be here when you wake up.'

He lets go of your hand and walks over to the window to look out onto the village below.

Everything seems smaller, holds less meaning without you here awake beside him. It's like something is missing. He's no longer quite whole.

There's a stiring behind him and Minato turns wide eyed to find you coming to.

He can't quite believe it when your eyes flutter open.

'Mmm.' You groan. 'Damn that hurts.'

A soft chuckle escapes him and then a few tears too. Just a flood of relief hits at the signs of you being there.

Then you turn to him, a little more awake.

'Hey.' You say. 'What are you doing all the way over there, huh?'

And that's all it takes for him to just crowd you in the tightest (but also careful) hug.

'I'm so glad you're awake.' He whispers. 'I'm so sorry.'

'Don't be sorry.' You assure him. 'I'm glad you're here though.'

He pulls away and looks you deep in the eyes. 'I love you.'

It's enough to take your breath away. 'I love you, too.'

YAMATO

The image of you jumping in front of him to protect him is something Yamato will never forget. He's not sure he can forgive you for it either if you don't wake up.

He knows neither of you had a choice but— 

Seeing you there impaled is just not something he can ever forgive.

You should have let it hit him. Village be damned he'd rather—okay he would not rather hundreds of other people die instead of you getting injured but that's besides the point! He should never of had to see you that way. If you didn't worm your way into his life and make him care then— 

Oh who is he kidding.

Yamato could never be mad at you.

He's mad at himself. He should never have agreed to put you in this situation in the first place. There should have been a better strategy. He should have thought up a better strategy.

'It was an impossible situation, stop beating yourself up over it and just be there instead.'

Yamato lifts his head.

'Kakashi.' He balls his fists against his pants then sighs unfurling them. 'I know it's just—'

'Just that you think you could have strategised yourself out of an impossible situation now that it's over.'

'This is different.'

'It's always different with the people we care about.' He gives him a knowing expression. 'With the people we love.'

'I don't need a pep talk right now.'

'No but you also don't need to sit here waiting for someone to scold you like you've done something wrong.'

Yamato gives him a doubtful look.

'You both did your duty and what you wanted to do so now you ought to both be together for the waking up part.' Kakashi sighs. 'Neither of you are dying today.'

Yamato takes a deep breath letting it settle in his lungs before he exhales again. Kakashi was right. He needs to be by your side.

'Okay.' Is all he says before he stands and heads to your room, leaving his senpai behind.

The tension is palpable as he enters your room. The machines beeping and your assisted breathing fill his ears. He sits beside you timid as he shifts closer.

'Sorry, I took so long.' Is all he whispers as he wakes for you to wake.

Your eyes flicker open a few moments later as if to let him know it's alright. He's not mad anymore, only relieved. Loved.

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Devil on Your Team | Part 1

Word Count: 1.9k

Genre: angst, smut

A\N: Asgard AU where Felix is Loki, Chan is Thor, and OC/reader is Lady Sif

Gif credit @915archive

“Will you join us this time, brother?”

Loki hesitates at Thor’s question. He was never good at the sort of thing that his friends enjoyed so, which made him a target for ridicule across the realm. What kind of man, a prince nonetheless, was so weak and fearful? Not a real man, that’s what.

Thor didn’t make it easier for him. Being the picture of the formidable, valiant warrior, he made Felix’s shortcomings all the more stark. Loki was all too aware of the comparisons people liked to make between them--they would fawn over how Thor was so brave, so strong, so much like the king that his frail little brother could never be. They would laugh and thank their stars that the fates were kind enough to have Thor be the old king’s first born and not his pitiful little brother.

Even Thor, who claimed to love him most in the world, was embarrassed of him. He always tried to egg him on and make him engage in “manlier” endeavors and forsake his witchcraft, forcing him along on his reckless adventures with his gang of hooligans so he would toughen up. How can he say that he loves him when he saw him as something that needed to be fixed? Thor didn’t love him. He pitied him.

Only you gazed upon him and accepted him for who he was. You knew too well what it felt like to be underestimated and ridiculed for being different, for daring to not adhere to their millenia-old customs of what makes one a good warrior or a proper lady. Every time he would hide and cry, you would find him and remind him that underestimating him will be their downfall, that true weakness is stupidity and arrogance and they had that in excess.

And there you were, coming to his defense once more.

“Shut up, you big oaf. Loki doesn’t care for our silly games.”

“Why not? All he has to do is sit back and not get in the way of our fair maiden and he should be fine.” Volstagg cuts in, followed by a series of chuckles that ebb and flow through the group.

“Volstagg.” Thor warns, shooting him a glare that quiets the snickering down, but by then it was too late, the damage had been done.

For, worse than the comparisons between himself and his golden brother, were those between him and the woman he loved so dearly.

Your close relationship made it so it was easy for people to jeer at the fact that the warrior lady is doing a man’s job while the prince practised such cowardly arts as magic that were meant for women. The comparison wasn’t flattering to either of you as he was thought of as a weakling and you as a woman trying to be a man.

“No, Volstagg, go on. Tell me what exactly you mean to say.” Again, you start defending him, ready to start a fight with the large man who began slinking back when faced with your unbridled fury. You were always so passionate about defending him, but Loki cannot let you keep doing that. He needed to prove that he could look after himself, not to impress those mindless thugs, but to prove to you that he could be a man for you, and provide you with protection just like any other man.

“I’m sure he’s just joking, my lady.” Loki interrupts and you look at him with surprised eyes that get all the wider as he continues, “It doesn’t matter anyway as I’ll be joining you.”

“My prince, you don’t have to--”

“I don’t have to do anything, my lady. I want to. Now let’s stop this useless bickering and go.”

__________________________

There was a nervous energy within the group the whole time they were in Alfheim. The men felt weird with Loki there and Loki felt weird with the warrior lady always hovering around.

“Lady, if I didn’t know any better I’d think that you were trying to guard me. I don’t need guarding. I can defend myself.” He didn’t want to snap at you like that but he desired so desperately for you to see him as a man for once.

“O-of course, my prince.” You splutter, a pretty blush on your face from being called out, and hesitantly take a few steps away from him, still not going far.

Loki huffs and charges forward carelessly, if you weren’t going to give him space, he will take it himself. And it’s precisely his attempt to distance himself from you that gets them in trouble.

“Brother, look out!” Thor shouts and Loki looks up barely in time to see an elf descend on him from the tree he was under. Shouts rise up and fill the air as their party gets ambushed by the rogue elves they were after.

Loki gets outnumbered, one of the elves delivering a blow to him before you can make your way to him. But your party quickly overcomes their momentary shock and works fast to push back the elves, steadily gaining control and shifting the tides in your favor.  Eventually, you beat the band of rogue elves and send them scattering back into the woods.

When the fight dies down, things only get worse for Loki as you rush to cradle his body in your arms, thinking he is unconscious, before turning back to the men. “Shame on you! If you hadn’t been absolute pricks to him, he wouldn’t have felt the need to prove himself to you and get himself hurt. Why must you be like this?”

“I’m sorry, my lady.” Thor speaks up, sounding genuinely upset too.

“Oh, shove it up your big behind, my prince.” You growl, lifting Loki up in your arms and moving towards the portal to go back home.

Even without opening his eyes, he can feel your worried gaze on his face and it kills him.

__________________

Loki became closed off the entire period he was healing. The more you fussed over him, the quieter he got. He was so disappointed in himself and you taking care of him only wounded his ego further.

“Stop babying me, woman. You’re worse than the lot of them. Would you like me to hand you a pair of scissors so you can snip my balls off and hang them around your neck?”

You were taken aback by his outburst, and Loki regrets his outburst for a second, thinking he’s finally pushed you away. But instead of stomping off, you get on the bed and straddle him, grabbing his neck and growling roughly, “You don’t want me to be gentle with you? Fine, I won’t be gentle.”

You smash her lips to his, tearing a noise of surprise from his throat. You’d been patient enough with him but he insists on being a brat. If that’s the way he wants to be treated then so be it. And judging by the way he kissed you back eagerly, you don’t have to wonder long.

He was almost healed by now, and you could be free to run her hands all over him without hurting him, eliciting instead the most needy moans from his pretty lips. But when he tries to do the same, he is met with hard, unyielding steel.

"This is unfair. Take this off." He protests against your lips.

"I think not. You have been quite the sourpuss lately, I don't think you deserve to touch me. Matter of fact, keep those wandering hands up." You grab his hands and pin them to the bed, intending to punish him for all the hell he made you go through.

"No, please, my lady, let me touch you."

"Oh you're already begging, that's not very manly of you." You bite at him, still upset that he endangered his life just because his ego was bruised.

He cowers under your intense glare, feeling reprimanded. "I'm sorry, I'll be good."

"Oh you will be. Now quit your protesting or I'll gag you too."

He shuts up, though he's unsure if it wouldn't have been better for you to gag him as the noises that come out of his throat at your ministrations were not very dignified.

"You don't know how long I've been waiting to get my hands on you, my prince. You drive me crazy." You drawl, palming his member and making him turn to hide his face in his arm as a blush covers his face.

"I should punish you for teasing me so." You  slowly pull his trousers down his hips, exposing his eager member to the cool night air that was clashing with your warm breath so close to where he needed you the most. "Will you be good for me from now on, my sweet prince?"

This was everything they ridiculed him for, being so subservient to a woman like this, but damn did he crave it. He needed you to own him.

"Yes, my lady." He stares down at you as you lean down ever so close to his cock, your breath fanning over him, as hot as ever and he feels his skin melt under it. The heat spreading to the rest of his body made his blood simmer in his veins. Sweat beaded up on his skin and his mind sweltered as you put your mouth on him, but he could do nothing but push himself into the scorching heat of you, submitting himself to the flames.

But all too suddenly, he stops burning, coolness flashing over his body like one of his brother's storms, and he stares down at you in betrayal, ready to apologize for everything and profess his undying love for you if only she would put your mouth back on him, but the horror struck look on your face sobers him up.

"My lady, what is--"

"What is happening to you?" You shriek, and for the first time he sees fear in your eyes.

"What do you mean?" He puzzles, looking down at himself in reflex, wondering what had possessed you when a flash of blue catches his eyes…

Huge patches of his body were covered by rough blue skin, the likes of which are all too familiar to him. He can't help his own shout of panic. "What is that? What is happening?!"

"You're turning into a….a monster." You shake her head, tears springing to your eyes at the horror unfolding in front of you.

"Lady, help me please.” Loki is even more shaken, tears already streaming down his face as he seems terrified of his own self. “Did they put a curse on me?"

"I-I don't know." You lament, feeling hopeless.

But then an idea pops into your head, "I'll get the king. He'll know what to do."

"No, please!" His hands fly out to hold onto you but you jump back, and Loki quickly pulls his arms back to his body, wounded at the disgusted look on your face.

"Why not?"

"You know he doesn't favor me."

"Don't be ridiculous. He's your father." You try to calm him down but he only gets more disconsolate. "No you don't understand. You don't see the way he looks at him when no one is looking. I'm… I'm scared."

Your heart breaks at the way he shivers, but there is nothing else you can do. You’re sure he’s just panicked. Odin is good and kind and you trust him beyond measure. "You're hallucinating, my sweet. The king would never hurt you."

"No, you don't understand--" He squeaks, and you reach out to cradle his face in your palms, only flinching slightly at the coldness. "Hush, my sweet." You kiss him gently then run to the king. Hearing Loki sob behind you only makes you run faster.

_________________________

A/N: lol surprise

[loveinterestcastiel]

sursum corda

Part one of a new canon divergent series, “A Sacrament to Be Taken Kneeling”

Summary: the opening dialogue to the eucharistic prayer, or anaphora, translated to english means “lift up your hearts”, and is the beginning of a devout worshipper’s holy communion with god

Canon divergent from 6x22, this one is rated M for religious blasphemy, power dynamics, and mature subject matter (later installments will be rated E for violence, sexual content, and graphic depictions of blood). Honestly this is just a fucked up exploration of the catholicnatural that could have been if the spn writers hadn’t been cowards and had instead really leaned into the whole Godstiel thing, and his dynamic with Dean. I’m going to hell for this and you know what? That’s just fine with me.

It can be read here or in AO3! Enjoy <3

Castiel was brighter than the sun, and he was beautiful. He was the most terrifying thing Dean had ever seen, because somewhere in there, he could still see Cas, the old Cas. He let Crowley go. Dean was going to kill that demon, but- later. Later, when they got out of here and got Sammy put back together.

Then Castiel blew Raphael up with nothing more than a snap of his fingers, and their most formidable adversary, after all these months, was suddenly just a bloody smear on the wall. The last Apocalyptic threat, gone, just like that, leaving Dean and Bobby alone with a Cas-gone-nuclear.

They were so, so fucked.

Cas looked over to Dean, his face softening incrementally but still distinctly smug.

"So you see," he said, turning away from Dean and moving as if to inspect his explosive handiwork, "I saved you."

Dean Winchester is saved.

“You sure did, Cas,” Dean said faintly, drifting further into Cas’s orbit as if somehow compelled. Castiel didn’t acknowledge him, keeping his back turned, his spine ramrod straight. Damage control. Holy fucking shit, damage control right now. “Thank you.”

“You doubted me. Fought against me.” He slowly turned to face Dean, a mockery of their first meeting in that rundown barn years ago, tilting his head the same way, his blue eyes the same limitless color and just as mesmerizing, but somehow about a million times more unsettling. “But I was right all along.”

Dean’s stomach swooped. “Okay, Cas, you were. We’re sorry,” he added quickly, his breath shallow and shaky. “Now let’s just defuse you, okay?” he suggested, the words cumbersome and heavy in his mouth.

Cas narrowed his eyes almost imperceptibly before relaxing again. “What do you mean?” he asked icily.

Dean forged on desperately. “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe, so before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” Oh, he felt like he was going to be sick. Please, Cas, please just listen to me…

“Oh, no, they belong with me,” Cas countered, his tone almost patronizing, like he was speaking to a child.

“No, Cas,” Dean interrupted before his brain or his fear could catch up to him. “It’s- it’s scrambling your brain.”

“No, I’m not finished yet,” he said firmly, with the ghost of a cold smile tugging on his features. “Raphael had many followers, and I must-” Cas paused, choosing his words, “punish them all severely,” he finished deliberately.

Bobby’s eyes darted over to Dean. He was visibly horrified.

Okay. One last effort. Okay.

Dean shoved down his fear and tried again. “Listen to me.” He stepped closer to Cas, swallowing hard as his voice fought to stick in his throat and looking steadily into his eyes. “Listen- I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family, once,” he pleaded. “I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times.” Castiel’s face remained impassive but Dean continued. “So if that means anything to you- please,” he begged, abandoning his pride. “I’ve lost Lisa, I’ve lost Ben, and now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too.”

Castiel wrenched his eyes away from Dean’s and cast his gaze down to the floor between them. Was he considering it?

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas,” he tried to reason. “Get rid of it before it kills us all.”

A beat.

“You’re just saying that because I won,” Cas mused, raising his gaze back up to look at Dean again, pinning him there like a specimen under a microscope. “Because you’re afraid . You’re not my family, Dean,” he said, closing the remaining distance between them until he stood less than an arm’s reach away, positively radiating power, the air vibrating with it. “You’re just… human.”

His eyes lingered on Dean’s face, tracing his freckles, his eyelashes. Whatever he was looking for, he didn’t seem to find it. Castiel’s face hardened into stone, his next words iron. “I have no family.”

The words rang in Dean’s ears, banging about his brain and battering it into despair. It felt like a small death, his heart pulling on his ribs as he floundered for a new angle to pursue.

And then Sam was there, behind Castiel, and he just stabbed him with an angel blade, and Cas was swaying just a bit with the blade still stuck in his back as Sam gasped for air behind him, clearly distressed and stumbling backwards.

Dean froze, horrified.

What the FUCK were you thinking, Sam?

But- oh. Oh god.

Cas wasn’t dead. It didn’t work. His brain buzzed blankly with a static-y sensation of bewilderment as Cas reached around himself and pulled out the blade- shiny, clean, utterly free of blood- with an alarming squelching noise.

"I'm glad you made it, Sam," Cas said in a distressingly level voice, placing the newly-extricated angel blade on the table in front of him before turning to glance at Sam. “But the angel blade won’t work, because I’m not an angel anymore,” he said, matter-of-fact as could be, as if he hadn’t just dropped yet another massive bomb on their lives. Sam looked to Bobby, his eyes wide, and Bobby shrugged back minutely, similarly floored.

Look at me, Cas, leave Sammy alone, you’ve done enough-

As if he heard Dean’s thoughts- fuck, was he praying?- Castiel turned back to Dean and met his eyes. “I’m your new God,” he said, with an air of authority and immense self-satisfaction permeating his words. “A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Bobby’s eyes widened in the periphery of Dean’s vision as time seemed to swirl and slow down to a crawl- clearly, he hadn’t expected this either.

Sammy was strung out and swaying on his feet behind Cas, his eyes darting and rolling over the room as he rode out the hellish things that tormented him in his head, seemingly incapable of reacting to the gravity of the situation as what Cas had done put him out of his mind with fear.

In the span of a heartbeat, Dean made his choice. He had no choice.

He fell to his knees.

The crack of bone on hard tile was near agony. His gun clattered uselessly to the ground beside him as he shifted his gaze to land somewhere around the hem of Castiel’s coat. He couldn’t look at his face. Couldn’t meet his eyes. It was almost impossible to believe the terrifying figure before him was once his closest friend, and had saved him from Heaven and Hell alike before he had turned into whatever this was.

His throat was dry. He forced himself to swallow, drawing his tongue over his bottom lip as he tried to find the right words.

Bobby started to kneel, too. Survival instincts, probably. He’d have never gotten this old without them, anyway.

“My lord,” he began hesitantly.

The new God waved his hand dismissively at the title. “Castiel.”

“Castiel,” Dean corrected himself. Great start, you fuck up. “Cas, I swore my obedience to Heaven, once. To God, and his angels. To you,” his voice cracked as he risked a glance at the former angel. His eyes were like fire. Glowing. Unreal.

Bobby interrupted: “Dean, no-”

But Castiel snapped up a hand, palm out, and Bobby’s mouth moved, but no sound came out. “You will be silent,” Castiel ordered, his eyes never leaving Dean. He looked intrigued by Dean’s sudden compliance and admission. “I’d like to hear what you have to say, Dean. What can you possibly say to justify your lack of faith in me up until now? I could have cast you back into the pit, and Sam, too, had I not done this, all of it, for you.”

“I know you did, Cas,” Dean said. “Thank you. I- thank you. You were right, about everything, and I should have listened to you. I was wrong. I should have trusted you.” The words tasted like poison in his mouth. A part of him meant it. A part of him was just desperate enough to say anything. The rest of him wanted to see the cold monster in front of him dead. But how could he turn back now, without sentencing them all to death? If he played his cards right, he might even be able to save Castiel. Surely if he could get him to let go of those souls, he’d start to see reason, would be Cas again. But he was getting ahead of himself. Gotta think a little more short-term, right now. Band-aids and duct tape, not trauma surgery.

“I was blind,” Dean said, “and proud. I took you for granted, and I can do better. Be better. For- for you.”

He had never felt so weak. Groveling to his dad was different. He was his dad’s son, sure, but there was no love there. It was all survival, clinical, even his rage and his fists when Dean didn’t do enough to earn his mercy were detached. Duty and discipline and disappointment. This was different. It was hot with near-tears, messy and filled with grief for a man who wasn’t even dead. He wasn’t lying earlier when he told Cas he was like a brother to him. It was the closest comparison he had for what the angel was to his heart. He had never needed anyone like he needed Castiel- because he wasn’t Sammy, or Bobby, or Lisa, or Ben, or Cassie, or any other category of need. He was just Cas. And Dean wanted him in his life. Or he used to, anyway.

“I don’t know what I can do to make it right between us, Cas,” he said, his throat tightening slightly. “But I want to,” Dean offered, looking down in shame. “I want to be-” he choked out.

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel asked, taking another step forward, the very picture of authority and control. One more step and Dean could reach out and touch him. The air was electric, heady with power as it positively radiated from his body.

He lifted his head to meet Castiel’s eyes in a pose of supplication, his knees aching, his eyes burning with tears as the situation started to overwhelm him. “I want to be forgiven,” he gasped out. “Cas, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive us.”

“And Sam’s betrayal?” Castiel inquired, casting new fear into Dean’s heart. “He stabbed me in the back. And he has not knelt as you have. Why should I offer him mercy?” he mused.

“Look at him, Cas,” Dean said quietly. Sam was hunched over on the floor in the corner, holding his head in his hands, rocking slightly into the wall and pushing off of it again in a strange repetitive motion. “He can’t follow any of this. I don’t think he even knows where we are. It’s been getting worse as time passes. He was slightly more coherent an hour ago, but-” Dean shook his head. “I think he was just trying to protect me. I don’t think he even knew who you were, just- saw a threat and tried to take it out.”

Cas made a noncommittal little noise, glancing over to where Sam had retreated.

“Cas,” Dean said, drawing his attention back to himself. “He didn’t know what he was doing. Can you try to forgive him that?” he pleaded as the first tear escaped and ran down his cheek.

“And in return?”

“Anything,” Dean swore. “Just- Cas, please. I’ll do anything. I will, I swear it. Just please help Sammy.”

“It won’t be as easy as you think,” Castiel warned. “I want your trust, Dean. I want the bond we once had, and your submission to my better judgement, untainted by your... fear.” His voice turned hungry, reminiscent of when they worked that killer Cupid case last year and it turned out to be Famine. To be on the receiving end of desire of that magnitude was by turns exhilarating and horrifying. “I want your love.”

“Cas,” Dean said faintly, unable to tear his eyes away from his friend’s face even as Bobby attempted to fight his holy gag order from his place next to him. “I… I’ll try. For you,” he added, trying to add a note or resolve to his voice as his thoughts roared in fear and grappled with the idea, stuck on the precipice of this terrible new unknown he had run up against. But he truly had no choice. Sink or swim.

“I swear, Cas,” he said, raising his hand to his heart, “I’ll try.”

Castiel’s eyes softened. They stopped glowing.

Suddenly, for a moment, he looked just like himself. More than that, he looked heartbreakingly human.

He moved suddenly, sending Dean’s heart sprinting again for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

But he didn’t hurt him. He didn’t hurt Sam, or smite Bobby, or engage in any sort of holy wrath. He just kneeled, in front of Dean, and clasped his clammy hands briefly in his own warm, dry ones before shifting them both to his right hand and raising his right palm to Dean’s cheek, his eyes darting over his features with an air of disbelieving gratitude. It was so...

Castiel had lovely hands, Dean noticed. Strong, soft, and broad, with a gentle grip and long, agile fingers. So different from Dean’s own hands, already scarred from the last few years of wear and tear since his resurrection. Of course, he’d noticed before. Noticed that sort of thing about Castiel, how he used his hands to fight, to pray, to eat and to comfort, how they looked drenched in blood and how they looked at rest. How they looked striking a blow to his own face, and how they looked when he healed him. They were one of a million things Dean knew about him better than he knew himself.

“Oh, Dean,” he said softly, “That’s all I ask of you. Just try. Lift up your heart to me, and I will give you everything.”

Dean inhaled sharply, his chest tight as he leaned into the touch. "It's yours," he breathed out, "It's all yours, Cas."

Castiel smiled, and the world fell away.

Tagging in some people who I think might be interested, just dm me to be added or removed: @castieljew @dependsupon @autisticandroids @sunforgrace @heller-jensen @lateral-org @cactuscas @adhdeancas @icaruscastiel @holmesemrys @evermorecastiel @yana125 @faithcastiel @good-things-do-happen-dean @i-sing-for-me @whatevr-4evr @sonder-stars @jeanne-de-valois

[the-awkward-outlaw]

“Hey, don’t touch me there. It hurts.” I'm the same anon who've asked which one of the two honors you play and since you've said low honor, how about some steam angst? I play high honor btw.

Did I say low honor? Sorry I meant high honor! Ugh, I can’t do low honor. Breaks my heart. Anyways, thanks for sending this! I should be writing more for my new longer fic but I’ve already run in to a writer’s block. 

Okay, I meant for there to be more steamy angst, but this turned out more fluffy than anything! If you want me to write something steamy, send me in another one (even your own idea). Specify if you want smut or not. Thanks so much, anon! 

You get back to Clemens Point, frustrated and sore. You go to your tent and drop off a few things and then head over to the donation box, throwing in a few things. You head over to get a plate of stew and some cornbread, trying your best to hide your limp. Your shoulder and upper arm hurts even worse though. 

You’ve been with the Van der Linde gang for years, longer than several of the others. You’ve done tons of robberies on your own and even had a few go south in the past. This one was one of those that went south. You’d run into an escaped convict from a chain gang and shot his chains. He’d given you a tip about robbing a homestead in exchange. Robbing the house north of the Heartlands had gone smoothly as the owners were out fishing, but not five minutes after you’d left, several O’Driscolls showed up. Based on the things they were screaming, they’d been meaning to rob the house. 

One of the O’Driscolls forced you off your horse and demanded you hand over your dishonest gains from the house. You’d gotten off and feigned letting him come over and go through your pockets and then shot him when he was distracted. Of course, this resulted in the others shooting at you. You quickly remounted your horse in order to try and outrun them, but your horse panicked and threw you off, which was how your leg got hurt. When you regained your feet to continue shooting, one of the O’Driscolls slammed you into the ground and sliced your arm open with his knife. Somehow, you managed to kill him and the others, but the damage had been done. You hid the cut on your arm by throwing on your old duster. 

You sit next to John at the fire, trading small talk and trying to ignore the horrible burning in your arm. You should be getting it taken care of, but you know how Grimshaw will lecture you if she finds out. You’re not in the mood. Besides, it’s probably not that deep. 

John proves a good distraction until Abigail calls him away. He rolls his eyes when she retreats to her tent with Jack. “What now?” he grumbles and leaves. 

You finish the last of your stew and cornbread, then head over to your tent. You’ll have to try and treat your arm by yourself. You always hate doing this: treating your own wounds. Not only that, but now that the adrenaline from the attack has worn off and no one is around to prove a distraction, you’re feeling a bit shaken up. 

You sit down on your cot and fold your knees to your chest, ignoring the complaints from your hip. You feel weak, pathetic. You’ve been in plenty of shootouts, why is this one so different? It makes you angry that you feel this way. Everyone’s always seen you as being one of the toughest members in the gang, and also the most fearless. 

Just as you’re about to put your head on your knees in order to let go, a voice calls your attention by speaking your name. 

“Hey, I got you those... you a’right?” It’s Arthur, of course. He must have just gotten back from one of his adventures. You mentioned weeks ago how you lost your camera when you fled Blackwater. You liked taking pictures of nature, animals, people. It was your hobby. You’ve been meaning to replace it since fleeing, but just haven’t gotten around to it. Arthur being Arthur, you’re not surprised he went out of his way to find you one. 

When you first joined the gang all those years ago, you and Arthur were friendly, but definitely didn’t have a thing for each other. You became fast friends however. You had to since you were the best hunters and spent a lot of time providing meat for the gang. Arthur also taught you how to rob and shoot guns. You didn’t realize you were in love with him until Arthur got separated from the gang for three weeks and you realized how much you missed him. It was when he returned you discovered you had feelings for him. However, you knew about Mary and how emotionally unavailable he was, so you kept your feelings bottled up in order to retain your friendship. 

“I’m fine,” you say, coming back to the present. “Just tired, is all.” You tell him about the robbery and the O’Driscolls, minus the slice across your arm. Arthur sits down next to you, setting the camera down on the table next to your cot. 

“Well, sounds like you had quite the ride,” he chuckles lightly. 

“Yeah, I’m okay though,” you say, hoping he doesn’t notice the shaking in your voice. 

He smiles and then puts an arm around you. He’s about to say something when his hand unknowingly presses upon the gash in your arms. You yelp out.  “Hey, don’t touch me there. It hurts.” 

His brows lift up. “You okay?” 

You sigh, knowing you can’t hide it anymore. You tell him the parts you left out. He slides your duster coat off and sees the sleeve of your shirt is soaked in blood. 

“Jesus, girl. I know Grimshaw’s a chore, but this is bad. You need stitches.” 

“I’m fine, Arthur. I was gonna wrap it, but I didn’t think it was that bad.” 

He rolls his eyes and leaves for a moment. When he comes back, he’s holding Strauss’s medical kit. He delicately rolls up your sleeve, cleans the wound with some alcohol which burns like hell, and then sews you up. His hands are definitely more clumsy than Grimshaw’s or the other girls, but it’ll do. He then finishes it up by wrapping it up. 

“There. You should change into something clean.” 

He stands at the opening of your tent with his back to you so you can do just that. When you’re done, he turns back and smiles at you. “Good. Can’t be worryin’ about ya. Now, anything else you wanna talk about?”

His voice is so low and he looks at you in such a soft, gentle way, it becomes obvious he knows how shaken you are. As if on queue, you put your face in your hands and break down. You expect him to roll his eyes, tell you to buck up or something along those lines. The last thing you thought he’d do is fold his arms around you, letting you rest your head in the crook of his neck. You’ve envisioned doing this in your daydreams, even imagined how his heart would sound. Those are pathetic in comparison to this, the real thing. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he says so softly you barely hear him. “You’re still tough as nails, but our life can be scary. It’s okay to let it get the better of you every once in a while.” 

You don’t know how long you stay in his arms, but you finally pull away and thank him. He smiles and responds by kissing your forehead and then rubbing your cheeks dry with his thumb. His face is so close to yours, you can feel his breath. He starts leaning in as though he’s about to kiss you.

“Arthur! I need to talk to you about them Grays!” Dutch hollers. Arthur pulls away and looks over at him. He then turns back to you and whispers in your ear.

“We’ll pick this up later, sweetheart.” He gives you a wink before joining Dutch. 

[godlydolans]

Tumblr problems again.

Tumblr again wouldn't let me answer asks, so I'm doing it this way.

This actually wasn't in my inbox, I don't know what tumblr's deal is. Anyway, sorry for the delay, anon, I had planned to post this yesterday but I had to write this two times because the first time wasn't posting.

It was a girls' night out, there were plans to visit this new pub that has opened nearby, stay for a few hours and then go straight home. At least that was your plan. You just wanted to catch up with your friends.

Getting piss drunk was never a part of the plan but that's what ended up happening at the end of the day. What were you supposed to do, all your friends were drinking and they were encouraging you to at least have one glass. That one glass turned into multiple and you didn't even realise when you got this drunk.

And now you are scared. You obviously can't drive like this and you don't have the balls to call your boyfriend, Grayson. You know hell will break loose when he finds out you are drunk when you'd promised you would control it tonight.

But you can only avoid him for too long. He is the one who calls you once its past 11:30. Your breath hitches in your throat when his name flashes on your phone screen, causing your friends to throw you teasing smiles and smirks.

"He can't stay away from you, can he?"

You just give your friend a small smile and excuse yourself from the group, walking out of the pub and taking a breath of fresh air before answering the call. "Hello?"

"Hey babe, I just wanted to know when you're coming back home. Its getting late and I don't want you to drive alone at this hour."

"Uhh.. I actually wanna come home right now, but ahh..can't really drive right now," You squeeze your eyes shut, contemplating what he will say when you tell him.

He doesn't speak for the next few seconds, you actually have to call his name before he finally speaks, "you're drunk?" Grayson's voice sounds harsher than it did before, "How drunk?"

"Just a little bit, baby." You say, voice small and meek in comparison to his. "Can you please come pick me up?"

He sighs and you hear some rustling on the other side before he says, "Yeah, I can. Send me the address and I'll be there."

And you can see the familiar blue Porsche from the window within fifteen minutes of the phone call, causing you to say rushed goodbyes to your friends, collect your things and walk to the car that has several people's attention. Ha! If only they could see what the prince driving the beauty looks like!

Grayson already leaned over and opened your door for you from the inside before sitting straight again, looking straight ahead. One look at him and you can tell he is mad. So you just sigh, getting into the car wordlessly.

The whole way home, grayson doesn't say anything and you don't have anything to say other than 'sorry'. So you're left to pout on your own, staring out of the window, watching the cars, trees and buildings passing by in a blur. Then you look at Gray, who is gripping the wheel really tight, the vein in his bicep is popping. You go back and forth between the window and your boyfriend for the rest of the ride.

When you do reach home, Grayson shuts off the engine, gets out and goes into the house, forcing you to follow behind him. His legs are long and you can't match his stride because of your tight dress, not to mention the high heels you have on that are really killing your feet. On top of that, you can't walk straight, tripping over your own two feet.

Grayson has to stop on his way to the bedroom and wait for you to catch up. When he turns back, he sees you walking with your head down and your hair coming in your face, obstructing your view of the floor. You stumble once and he is walking over to you.

You are left flabbergasted when one moment, you are strppling to walk on the plain floor and the next, the floor is not even beneath your feet. Your man literally swept you off your feet and is now carrying you to his room like you're some princess.

Like you are his bride.

The thought makes you blush and giggle to yourself but that giggle quickly dies down when Grayson's jaw hardens. Little do you know, he clenched his jaw to stop himself from smiling at your utter cuteness.

Drunk Y/N is the cutest girl in the world, in Grayson's opinion.

"I'm sorry, Gray." You mumble, looking up at him from under your lashes as he opens the door to his room and then closes it with his foot.

"Its okay."

You know it's not okay, you can tell from his tone alone that he is still angry at you and you don't like it when Grayson is angry, especially when he is angry at you.

Drunk Y/N is also very emotional, so when Grayson places you down on his bed and turns back to walk into the bathroom, you kick off your heels in frustration, hands working to take off your earrings next. The goal is to keep yourself busy so you don't break down crying. The bottom lip that has been slightly jotted out from the moment you got into the Porsche with Grayson, has now started to wobble when the left earing starts to get difficult.

Grayson comes out of the bathroom with a pach of makeup removing wipes in one hand and one of his t-shirts in the other. The sight of you struggling to take off your earing is what he is met with. He just stops and stares as you struggle with the little thing, your eyebrows furrowed like you've been told to solve the toughest maths equation, lips pouting cutely, hair falling all over the place. His heart melts for you and all the anger he had melts away right with it.

How can one be mad at their girlfriend when said girlfriend is the cutest woman in the entire world?

"C'mon, you bitc-" You all but yank at the earing, yelping on pain the very next second and that causes Grayson to continue walking till he is kneeling in front of you.

"Easy there, tiger." He chuckles as his hands take yours and push them away from your poor ear, "I got this."

You just look at your pretty painted toenails, fingers absentbmmindedly playing with themselves as Grayson takes off your earing in one go and hands it into your open palm. You scoff, glaring daggers at the little earing, "I always knew she liked you better than me."

"Who-the earing?" Grayson asks, amused as he watches you narrow your eyes at the earing and press your lips together as if you're trying to intimidate the inanimate object, before you mumble, "You betrayed me." very quietly.

Grayson just bites his lip, watching as you slam the thing down on the bed and begin to remove your necklace. While you are doing that, Grayson takes out some wipes and begins taking off your makeup from your forehead. His hands are so gentle on your face, you doubt any makeup is coming off at all, but you don't stop him. His fingers tilt your head up when he starts to get product off your chin and your heartbeat doubles up in speed when Grayson's fingers apply the lightest pressure on your lips while taking off the dark lipstick you had put on earlier in the evening. He does it all with such concentration too. Gosh, you love this man so much, it hurts!

"Okay, get undressed and put this on. I'll go take a shower." He instructs, handing you the t-shirt he brought for you before he disappears into the bathroom again. This reminds you that he is still mad because you guys usually take the night time showers together. With a heavy heart, you get yourself out of your tight dress, get into the shirt and grab a pillow and the smaller blanket off Grayson's bed before you leave the room.

Grayson comes back to an empty room, thinking you must be in the kitchen getting water or something, but when you don't come into the room even after fifteen minutes, he gets up and decides to go look for you. He doesn't have to look for long because he finds you curled up on the couch with a blanket draped over you, the moment he takes a few steps into the living room.

Sighing, Grayson walks to you and kneels down in front of you. A kiss is placed on top of your head, causing you to open your eyes and stare up at him. The second you know its him, you quickly hide your face in your pillow, not wanting him to know you were crying.

But Grayson notices the tear marks on your cheeks and he also notices your light sniffles that are pulling at his heart strings. "Hey, no. Babe, why are you crying?" He asks, keeping one hand on top of your head and kissing your temple. "Y/N, why are you sleeping here?"

There is usually not much in the world that can make Grayson Dolan weak in the knees, but one thing that he absolutely can not bare to see is tears in your eyes and the sad thing is, whenever you cry, his brain freezes and he doesn't know what to do. He usually settles for holding you to his chest and carding his fingers through your hair, but today, since he's sure he is the cause of your tears, he doubts you would want to be held by him. "Baby, why'd you come to the couch?"

"Because you're mad at me and I thought you wouldn't want to sleep next to me." You sniffle, voice breaking sometimes.

Grayson sighs, looking heavenwards for dramatic affect because he's extra like that before saying, "baby, I'm not mad at you! And I would never not want to be sleeping next to you, hell i can't even sleep well when you're not next to me."

This makes you peek up at him, "you're not mad?"

"No, now can you please get up and come to bed with me?" He taps your thigh, urging you to get up which you do, at your own lazy pace because who can blame you? Your feet are sour from wearing those damn heels all night.

Grayson doesn't have a problem in picking you up and carrying you to the room again though, so that's what he does, making you giggle when he sweeps you off your feet for the second time today.

Once he's tucked you into bed and gotten in himself, the blankets over the both of you, he pulls you into his arms and sighs in contentment.

"You sure you're not mad?" You ask again, just to be sure.

Grayson smiles and squeezes your waist, "No babe, go to sleep."

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you too."

"I love you three."

Grayson's chest vibrates with his laughter, making you look up at him innocently because you didn't know you cracked a joke?

"Y/N, you're so drunk, babe." He laughs again, causing you to snap.

"But I still love you, even if you were mean and laughed at me and didn't say it back and also called me a drunkard." The tell tale signs of a drunk Y/N is her getting triggered over the smallest of things.

Grayson knows better than to mess with your feelings right now so he just says what you want to hear. So much for being mad. Ethan is right, he really is so whipped for his girl. "Okay, babe. I love you four."

You smile, "love you five, Gray."

"God, Y/N, go to sleep."

[punkscowardschampions]

James & Ava

James: [so obviously all through this party whenever we can we're saying thanks/love you/sorry etc at relevant points via little touches but there hasn't been much time with all the kid chaos & we gotta use our words now] James: Thank you Ava: Don't mention it, I had a good time Ava: think the girls did too 😌 James: because of you James: which is why I had to mention it Ava: It's okay, making cupcakes and crafts was bound to be more fun than my history essay Ava: easy choice, really Ava: how are you now? apart from exhausted James: still astonished that Teddy helped to clear up, even though your cousin did most of it Ava: it's amazing what a boy will do to keep a girl happy, right James: whatever you're hinting at, I'll do it Ava: 😱 do you think I'm that sort of girl?! 😂 James: I don't think I'm exhausted enough to fall into the trap of such a clearly trick question Ava: Then maybe you didn't party/clean hard enough 🤔 James: I'll happily send you evidence of me scrubbing the bath until it's less blue if you like James: but somehow I doubt that is what you're contemplating Ava: An interesting proposition Ava: but who decided baths had to be white anyway Ava: I say keep it James: hopefully whoever rents this place after we've gone will agree with you Ava: I'll bring 'round the spare bicarb, that'll work James: there'll be some in the cupboard, from all the baking recipes Jay's school sends insisting she needs it Ava: I guess I'll have to think of another excuse to come see you soon then James: wanting to is enough Ava: I'd have to be a fool to not want that James: though after today, less so James: I'm very sorry about my family Ava: They aren't your fault James: nevertheless James: & speaking of excuses, my sister told me she's pregnant again as one for her behaviour before I could properly challenge her for it Ava: Oh that's a shame, I could have implied she was just fat by asking Ava: but no, really Ava: I can handle it, it's not as if my family are particularly supportive about us either James: you'll have other chances before her official announcement, I'm sure Ava: not my style Ava: it'll be nice, for the girls to have more cousins their age James: but to hear her speak, there's already a very distinct possibility that this child has surpassed every single one of their age appropriate milestones whilst in utero Ava: 🙄 Ava: if anything that just means more pain on the way out, no Ava: not that underdone is the preference but you know James: she'll have scheduled the caesarean the moment there was evidence of a pink line Ava: guess she's confident in her ab-building post-baby workout then James: confidence has never been lacking as far as she's concerned Ava: I can tell Ava: like your dad, like you said James: yes Ava: I'm sorry Ava: that they tried to...whatever they were attempting to do, or if it was even intentional behaviour Ava: but I think the party still went well where it mattered James: there isn't a single thing for you to apologise for James: it did go well Ava: I'm not trying to add more tension or friction to proceedings when it already comes so naturally James: you didn't, in fact, by being there you managed to diffuse it James: I would have been a lot more stressed had you not been Ava: Good Ava: and she didn't show up Ava: so what more could we ask for James: my parents & sister following suit perhaps James: but that won't be much to ask once we move further than a stone's throw out of their shadow Ava: leaving the postcode for less than Monaco? Ava: unlikely Ava: I keep looking at places Ava: everything goes so fast, it's crazy, by the time I go to send the link, it's gone James: I've secured a viewing after work for the day after tomorrow, if you're free you're more than welcome to come James: [sends her a link] Ava: Wow, that's so exciting Ava: are you excited James: I'm cautiously optimistic Ava: That's such a you way to put it 😊 James: oh is it? Ava: Yes Ava: I like it James: I like that you're unabashed in your excitement Ava: You deserve exciting things to be happening Ava: there's nothing better than a new place for a fresh start James: if it were that simple, I'd agree with you that nothing could be better Ava: No, I know Ava: new floors and four walls doesn't fix everything Ava: but it is something you CAN do Ava: along with all the things you already are, and continue to do James: I want you to be right, but I can't help but feel that it's just a new location to hide in, because of all the things I can't change Ava: You aren't the one that ran away Ava: and no one can say that Ava: but you're better, even without the comparison to her which leaves you looking practically saint-like James: only because there is no amount of distance I can put between your brother & I which would alter the facts or the future as it is shaping up to be Ava: he's being so Ava: stubborn and stupid James: all day my thoughts kept circling back to the idea that this time next year everything could be different James: she might not be here James: I don't know what to do Ava: That won't happen Ava: we won't let it James: you wanting it to be a promise you can make or me wanting what you're saying to be true might not be enough James: I know how stubborn he is Ava: that doesn't mean that he can make a judge agree with him Ava: neither does the fact he's training to do as much Ava: you've raised her, you're her dad James: that alone doesn't mean I can guarantee anything either James: while raising her I've made a lot of mistakes Ava: no Ava: not nowhere near enough or the type that warrants anyone taking her away James: you didn't know me before rehab Ava: neither did my brother Ava: who's he going to call as a character witness, Chloe? James: he did, but I'll admit that the past is less of a pressing concern right now compared to the struggle of the present James: & the ease of getting wasted Ava: Hardly Ava: what kind of friend was he by that point Ava: he didn't tell you that Chloe had told him he was the father before you, did he? Ava: he has no room to judge, on any level Ava: he still does worse James: regardless, I can't blame him for judging me James: because I don't think there's worse than the things I consider doing whenever there's the briefest moment such as this, when they're asleep James: recovery is constant & truly exhausting Ava: Maybe you can't, but I can Ava: exactly Ava: it shows strength of character Ava: I'm just saying, if he takes it there, which, I'd hope not but no, I can't even pretend to promise that right now Ava: he can't be throwing around those sort of accusations like he's got nothing that would look worse under scrutiny James: it's a weakness of character James: & I don't want my flaws to extend to driving any kind of wedge between you & your brother James: or to have to expose any of his, irrespective of what they are James: being free of her finally means I no longer have to play any of those games Ava: admitting and dealing with it isn't Ava: I know Ava: it's horrible to think about, especially when it is so soon after she left, and how that has barely registered Ava: but if you have to, you'll do whatever you need to, right Ava: I mean, as long as it doesn't hurt her, then you have to James: I don't want to do anything that hurts you either Ava: It's not about me though James: he's your brother Ava: That doesn't mean I'm going to endorse his bad choices Ava: not for an easy life Ava: and not at the expense of yours, or Jay's, of course James: they aren't choices any of us should have to make Ava: no, we shouldn't Ava: but he has to be on board with that too Ava: he can't rush and force what he thinks he wants, without any regard for the rest Ava: just because the whole situation was fucked from the start James: he wants to meet her, I keep saying no Ava: Have you told her anything yet? Ava: Not saying 'yet' like you need to or there's a timescale here, you know what I'm trying to ask James: if there were a right time, it wouldn't be now James: she's coping well with her mother's absence but she's nevertheless having to cope James: I'm not going to give her something else to contend with until circumstances change, whether that's because of your brother or a more positive development Ava: Totally Ava: it's a lot already Ava: he should be thinking the same way James: he seems to, when we speak about it James: I can't blame him for wanting to get to know her though James: clearly that's my dad bias but anyone who doesn't is missing out Ava: she's a good kid James: you're good with her & for her James: I can't remember the last time she was as happy as she's been over the last few days Ava: that makes me happy too James: oh good, because I haven't yet asked how you are James: I'm sorry Ava: don't be James: it's important James: my family believes I see you as an unpaid problem solver & I have no desire to prove them right to any degree Ava: you know that I know that that's not how it is though Ava: I understand, you've got way too much going on in your head right now to be too concerned with the pleasantries Ava: I can do without James: just because you can doesn't mean you should James: this matters to me, you, us James: we're not an us if it's just me using you as a sounding board Ava: You don't Ava: and I know it matters because you wouldn't trust me with any of this if it didn't Ava: you've been there for me whenever I've needed you too, my problems are just smaller scale, on the whole Ava: doesn't make it one-sided James: okay James: as long as you know Ava: I promise Ava: I wouldn't hate some alone time with you soon though James: how soon can you do? Ava: I have to go to Dublin this weekend Ava: but Thursday I don't have any afternoon lessons, so if you could do something then? James: I'll pick you up James: if necessary I'll do extra work when you're in Dublin Ava: you're so lovely James: no, I missed you the second you left, that's all Ava: I missed you too Ava: not being able to talk properly Ava: I hate that about parties James: me too James: but you were a vision in your party outfit Ava: you think so? Ava: you can be a monster again any time you like 😋 James: yes, I very much think so James: you looked beautiful Ava: you'll make me blush James: I hope so, despite not being there to see it Ava: in terms of photographic evidence, definitely more fun than the clean bath James: unless I were in it, alas I'm not sure I'd fit Ava: Oh babe that's so sad Ava: the world doesn't cater to people your size, how rude 🥺 James: I'll try if you promise to drop whatever you're doing & help free me should the unthinkable occur James: & thankfully hotels do, so I won't have to see that face on Thursday Ava: Of course Ava: we have to protect your modesty and decency at all costs 🤭 Ava: hotel, you say? James: yes, that way we'll both fit James: without any kind of farce or firefighters getting involved Ava: I did say alone time Ava: no 🚓 🚑 🚒 allowed James: not in this chapter, I promise James: it's not that kind of book Ava: It doesn't have to be tasteful Ava: I don't think the readers will mind James: I'll bear that in mind Ava: Please do James: while I've got things under consideration, would you like to stay over? James: I can arrange taking you to school on Friday morning Ava: Um, yes Ava: of course James: okay, I'll ask Diana to watch the girls James: after today it's the least she can do Ava: Is she usually better when I'm not there? James: no James: she'll happily find a grievance with whoever is Ava: well, at least it isn't personal Ava: don't know if that's worse, actually James: plenty were tailored to you personally if that makes you feel any better Ava: it's understandable, I suppose Ava: if I was who they thought I was James: my ex wife was everything they thought she was & it did nothing to help me Ava: yeah James: I have my opinions on my sister's husband & I keep them to myself Ava: he wasn't there, was he? James: there's a slim chance you'll be able to meet him at her baby shower, but he wasn't at the last one Ava: I'm sure the chances I'll be invited are even slimmer Ava: sounds delightful though James: oh she'll invite you, if only to show you how a party should be thrown Ava: 😏 Ava: it's a good thing I already know baby shower etiquette then Ava: been to enough James: you'll have to teach me what it is Ava: Very modern of her to want any men there Ava: usually they object on the fact of it being 'women's business' and it's like a hen party with no alcohol James: Matilda's & Jay's were both like that Ava: Yeah, I can see that James: there was obviously champagne though James: I assumed that was why I wasn't invited Ava: Oh yeah, the other guests can get hammered Ava: and the mum has to lowkey cry about it the whole time, but all the gifts and attention you get should really make up for it Ava: they're weird, honestly, another excuse for all of the above James: the horrific flashbacks of said crying & attention have returned to me, thank you for that Ava: 😬 Ava: you can have a baby shower now if you would like Ava: I'll look up all the ridiculous games Ava: you earnt it James: you're the one who has earned anything you'd like James: there wouldn't have even been a party today if not for all the work you put in Ava: all I like is being with you Ava: it was worth it James: you know I don't want you to leave, it upsets me that you're not here now Ava: Same Ava: I wish I could be James: did you finish your homework? Ava: not quite, my parents wanted to talk to me for ages Ava: which really goes against their concerns being my schoolwork but there we go James: well, I'm very concerned about your schoolwork & ensuring you don't have to go to Kings after all, so if there's anything I can do to help Ava: I'll tell them Ava: that will no doubt but their mind at ease Ava: it's not even that hard, I'm just lacking motivation James: of course James: I went there too, none of the work was ever that hard Ava: they'd like you to believe the oxbridge admissions day others but Ava: we know the truth James: I'd like to know what would motivate you Ava: Well Ava: maybe we could do lunch or something before Thursday Ava: that is forever away James: it certainly does feel like it Ava: or we can walk Frank or I'll come 'round for dinner Ava: just say I can see you before then and I'll get it done James: we can do every single one of those things once you have Ava: 😍 Ava: Okay, I'll do it Ava: as you're so inspirational James: as we've discussed, I don't want things to be one sided James: & you're the most encouraging person I've ever met James: I've never found someone to be this stimulating before, it's a remarkably unfair contest for my capabilities James: thus I'm motivated to keep motivating you Ava: I love being with you so much James Ava: I can't wait for your life to be exactly what you want it Ava: it is going to happen, I'm so sure of it James: before you I didn't even know how my life could hypothetically be bearable, never mind thinking about how I may have wanted it in its ideal James: you build character, Ava James: I love you so much, but also I can stand who I am now, with you Ava: you're doing all the work though Ava: to totally restart, that's amazing you know Ava: and I love you too James: because you prompted it Ava: as long as you're taking your credit too, I can deal with that James: I need you to know that I couldn't do this without you, back then or now James: & how much I appreciate you is in line with that Ava: Good thing you've got me Ava: and good thing that's what we both want Ava: everything else we can work out together James: it's the most perfect thing James: hence I'm still working out how to do any of it justice with a novel Ava: Words are your speciality Ava: even if it takes a lifetime, that's time we have James: & if nothing else it puts your current writer's block into perspective James: you definitely won't be forced to do homework forever Ava: 😅 very true James: because of course my struggle is consistently greater than yours, darling James: there's a long line of people waiting to tell us, lest we forget Ava: but of course Ava: only have to worry about when my next assignment is due and how to wear my hair, thank god 💁 James: thank god Jay didn't insist you turn yours blue as well James: getting you sent home for violating the dress code wouldn't endear your parents to me Ava: I don't think I'd look anywhere as near as cool Ava: talk about a real party faux pas James: as far as she's concerned you're incapable of committing one, or any wrong at all Ava: no pressure 😅 Ava: she's so cute Ava: and funny James: she wants to get her hair cut next, as long as you say you like it when I eventually take her, you'll continue to be her favourite person Ava: Ooh, that's a big one Ava: how is dad feeling about it? James: hypothetically less hair to fight to get a brush through sounds like a fantastic idea James: but actually, I don't know Ava: she'll love it Ava: you will too Ava: though it'll be a total shock James: I'll be the sentimental fool, frantically trying to catch a lock to keep before it hits the floor, undoubtedly Ava: 🥺 You're adorable Ava: at least Mattie has a way to before her first haircut, a reprieve for you James: it'll make her happy, that's what I should focus on, I know Ava: you're still allowed to feel a type of way about it Ava: that's what dads are for James: mine isn't the demonstrative type, unless disappointment is what he wishes to convey, but yes James: I don't look to him for parenting advice Ava: You're already better Ava: and that can be a comfort now, instead of how he is being detrimental to you James: thank you James: all I ask is that you don't also decide to change how you wear your hair in the near future please, there are only so many changes I can endure regardless of whether they're positive or negative Ava: Okay, I can promise that Ava: just for you James: well in that case, just for you, I'll ignore the weather forecast & walk Frank tomorrow Ava: 😁 Ava: I wish you could come to Dublin too Ava: we'll be having bonfire night James: one day, I can promise that Ava: I know, it's too soon Ava: I'll buy sparklers, when I get back James: I look forward to it Ava: I won't bring back a jacket potato even though they're so much better off the fire James: true, I remember it being one of the main merits of scouts Ava: you were a scout? 😊 James: yes James: I did my D of E as well Ava: That tracks Ava: you're always prepared James: I don't know about that Ava: Are you suggesting that the D of E was in fact a massive waste of time? 🤔😱 James: I'm not suggesting anything until they approach me with whatever package they deem appropriate in order to secure a glowing endorsement James: King's have certainly benefited from having me on side, in spite of losing you to more worthy rivals Ava: Smart 😏 Ava: You did almost convince me, and in a way, you still did, just not to their benefit James: I can't in good conscience take credit for the persuasive charm of The Vault James: or pretend as though I wasn't the one being utterly convinced by you Ava: Of course, those dizzying highs are unparalleled and cannot be replicated anywhere else Ava: and just as obvious is my conniving seduction of you, as pointed out with pointed looks and silences James: it is a relief to hear that high school wasn't in fact my peak, I'll make sure to really emphasise my superiority in the book's acknowledgements Ava: If you thought it was possible to peak in that school, I'd have no interest in gold-digging you, would I James: nobody is professing that you're good at it, darling James: you'd have been more likely to target my father's bad marriage if so Ava: I'm so sad for myself Ava: tragically bad at it, really James: unfortunately we can't both be figures of pity & I've already been typecast in said role Ava: I'll have to get better at it and be more worthy of scorn James: regardless, there's very little chance they'll improve enough to be worthy of where they've put themselves James: though the mock trial is a kind consideration given that your brother is vying to put me before a real one, I suppose Ava: Thank God they don't know James: my father has already baulked at the idea of us moving, if I have to go to him cap in hand to pay for lawyers James: I dread to think Ava: I still hope they never need to be told Ava: maybe that's foolish at this point but James: if it is, it's a folie à deux James: but once I tell Jay I can hardly swear her to secrecy James: & she does need to be told, my delusion isn't that far reaching Ava: No, true Ava: kids are bad with secrets Ava: and obviously, not the kind of thing to encourage anyway Ava: they won't treat her differently at least, right? Ava: as long as they can keep their talking about it out of her earshot too, I feel that's the best we can hope for James: I'd love to say no, of course they wouldn't Ava: I didn't want to be the one to suggest it Ava: even if slagging off your family might seem like the appropriate course of action right now, not that bitch either James: there's very little you could suggest that my imagination hasn't beaten you to Ava: I know darling Ava: I'm sorry James: I try to console myself with the knowledge that there's a degree of inevitability anyway, look how differently I am treated, without any question of being his flesh & blood James: my family have & always will have their favourites, set in & as immovable as stone Ava: and she does have Chloe's parents, who clearly adore both girls Ava: I only have one set of grandparents Ava: you're right, they're going to act however they choose to act, and they can blame it on what they like but as long as Jay knows it isn't her fault and she is loved by lots of people, then that should be enough, and I'm sure it will be Ava: you've found happiness despite them James: & she will too, I'll make sure of that James: do your parents know? Ava: Yes Ava: he told them at the time, as well Ava: so they were less shocked but obviously still James: I definitely won't be welcome at the bonfire then Ava: It's not your fault Ava: they can't blame you James: it wasn't the first time I'd heard it said that I wasn't her dad either, I could've done something when it was Ava: She's the only one that knew the actual truth Ava: the only one that could say or do anything for definite James: I didn't want to know, that's my fault Ava: Neither did my brother James: we're as bad as each other Ava: It's more complicated than that James: it won't be to Jay Ava: I don't think Jay is going to understand it like that James: what I mean is, all of this should & could've been sorted out a lot sooner Ava: Maybe Ava: but none of you can go back James: no, we can't Ava: All either of you can do is go from here Ava: God knows what Chloe's next move will be James: as yet she isn't making any James: there wasn't even a card Ava: It's insane Ava: it's like she's dead Ava: playing dead, anyway James: that would be preferable James: at least I'd know what to say to Jay if she were Ava: It's so unfair Ava: that she thinks she gets to do this Ava: that she owes them nothing James: she does get to, neither I nor her parents can stop her Ava: If her parents know where she is though Ava: they could take the kids to her Ava: but then, I suppose all that would result in would be trauma for them Ava: for fuck's sake James: precisely, I can't blame them for being terrified of the scene they'd stumble into Ava: the parent that stays always get shit on Ava: it's not right, this is her mess and she's doing nothing to fix it James: I'll gladly fix it for their sakes, that is what's right James: they've been through enough with her Ava: and you'll do a better job than she ever could Ava: it's just frustrating Ava: but I know you know that more than me, and do not need telling remotely just Ava: I feel angry on all your behalves right now James: you don't know what it means to me, how much you care, even if it is distressing & distracting for you right now Ava: I know you want the best for me Ava: but in the grand scheme of things, me fluffing one essay is not actually the big deal any of my family would like to make it so we don't have to have a bigger conversation Ava: this is important, you are James: an assignment isn't the issue, it's that everyone believes you're consistently putting my importance above yours James: & maybe if it's that glaring to all but me they have a point & I am asking too much of you James: leaning on you too hard through this Ava: No, they don't want to see it, because this whole thing, us, makes them uncomfortable Ava: it'd be my business if I did anyway, every person in a relationship I know does that Ava: but it isn't at the cost of me and my importance anyway James: okay Ava: I promise, James James: I'm doing my best Ava: You're doing amazing James: it doesn't feel that way Ava: no Ava: but the girls are gonna grow up happy, and then it'll be worth it James: are they? Ava: Yes James: I want to believe that Ava: You'll get to see Ava: that doubt, of whether you're fucking it all up, is just part and parcel isn't it Ava: but things will get easier too, day to day like James: whether I fuck it all up again you mean, because I actually have for so long Ava: but you're fixing it Ava: that's what really counts James: but it doesn't erase my past mistakes, they count as well James: every slight against Chloé is also one against me because I stood by & let them happen James: I knew where she was, where she could plausibly still be James: & here I am, continuing to do nothing Ava: at the end of the day though Ava: all anyone really wants from their parents is love Ava: knowing that you love and care about and for them, put in that work, that's what counts Ava: she isn't good for them right now, clearly Ava: maybe she does get to just walk away, regardless of it being unfair James: you're right, clearly James: I'm sorry, it's been a really long day Ava: It really has Ava: what are you doing to wind down? James: I don't know James: what do you suggest? Ava: Depends Ava: you could try to fit in your blue bath Ava: cook yourself your favourite food Ava: we could watch a movie or some really mindless trash TV James: Beautiful Creatures or Beastly are supposedly a must for Twilight fans James: if you've seen those, there's also The Mortal Instruments but I'm not sure how many of those books got made into films James: it feels unwise to risk getting invested in a neverending cliffhanger Ava: I think they made that one into a bad TV series too, after the films bombed Ava: could be an exercise in how not to do it Ava: as well as relaxing James: really? James: well that's settled Ava: I bet it has such a sub-par soundtrack too James: compared to what we're used to, what wouldn't be? Ava: Precisely Ava: after the day we've had, can't be dealing with that level of excitement James: enough that I don't immediately fall asleep after pressing play will be fine Ava: I'll fill you in on the travesties if you do James: no, after the day we've had, I want to spend time with you Ava: I love you James: I love you too

[rhysand-vs-fenrys]

I have a friend who's really struggling with depression. She lives a ways a way so I rarely see her face to face anymore, but lately she's gotten worse. She's said and posted some pretty dark stuff, which I'll obviously comment on, telling her I'm sorry she's going through what she is and that i love her, she's important. I know that saying that doesn't usually have much of an effect, but i don't know what else to say. help?

I haven’t exactly been upfront about this (I haven’t been secretive about it either), but for the longest time I felt like I was buried alive underneath my depression and actually attempted suicide twice.

For me, personally, I felt like I was a burden to others and that they were only acting like they cared because they felt that they had to. I didn’t believe my friends were genuine, I always thought they just tolerated me.

In thinking of how to answer this ask, I tried to remember what pulled me out of that. I still suffer from depression, some weeks are easier than others, but I know I’ll never let it take me back to that place again. What I came up with wasn’t so much stuff you can say to them, but if you want to forward this message on to them, it’s just easier for me to speak to those suffering directly. 

It’s the only way I know how.

So, some stuff that’s helped me:

Being up front about it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is tell my parents that my “accidents” where I “caught my wrist on a desk” were actually me trying to cut my wrists (I scratched them with a fingernail until they bled). Now, my parents response was… abysmal. My mother said “Do you feel like that right now?” (I told them after I’d gotten through the worst of it and so I said ‘no’), then “Well, go empty the dishwasher.” and we never spoke of it again.It was overwhelmingly disappointing, I was angry at her for a long time over it, but the point is it helped me, and I realized in the end that was all that mattered. I don’t care how it made her feel, because it made me feel stronger to address it face first.Even when you know it’s depression, sometimes just turning around and facing the monster behind you, giving it a name and telling someone close to you what it is and what it’s doing is all you need to fight and conquer it. It will never be gone, but you’ll be stronger than it always, and that knowledge is the greatest thing. Talking to your friends about it is one thing- online or in person. Talking to family about it can make the difference.

Try to figure out what triggered the “episode”

As I said and as you all know, Depression is with you for life. Still, it seems to hit you like a roller coaster- sometimes you’re at the peak, on top of it and you can see the whole world, and sometimes you’re stuck at the bottom and it feels like it’s burying you alive.Before each fall, something triggers it. It might be a bad week, a stresser from school, or something even you didn’t realize. Just- look at where you are, and how you feel you got there.That’s the thing about Depression- you hear people say a lot “I know it’s not rational but-”, and that right there is the problem. “I know it’s not rational”. Nothing about Depression is rational. That is why it’s so dangerous. If it affects you, if it’s hurting you, then it’s the most rational thing in the world. Don’t try to force yourself to dismiss a stresser just because it seems like something other people wouldn’t see as a trigger for the down swing. Be selfish. If it affects you, if it hurts you or even if it’s something that makes you happy for two damn seconds, be selfish. Say “This is what’s bothering me.” and don’t let anyone say “well that’s dumb” because they aren’t the ones feeling what you are feeling. They can fuck off. Depression is serious, therefore your trigger was a serious incident. I don’t care if it’s just how someone on the street looked at you one day- it means something to you. Therefore, it means something.

Remember your “wings”

My depression began around 3rd grade (I was subjected to heavy bullying 3rd-5th). Back then, I processed things by telling myself stories, and I think that’s where this one came from. It may seem stupid, childish, or silly, but see above. It helped me, it still helps me, therefore nothing about it is stupid, childish, or silly.The way I see the world, every single person has these invisible wings- like angel wings- that they carry with them always. When you’re suffering under depression, it feels like you are dragging your wings on the ground. Like they’re bleeding, dirty, limp, too weak to hold up, and just overall dull and flat.When you’re angry, they’re tipped in steel and iron, and they can hurt you as much as others.When you’re living up to your potential, when you find your purpose and hit your stride, they’re out and clean and they can shine as bright as the sun, and make you shine by comparison.When those hard times hit, when your wings are dragging and dirty and broken and bleeding, just imagine you are wrapping your wings up in a cloth. They’ll still drag a while, they still feel raw and aching, but by imagining you are wrapping them and maybe brushing off some of that dust and debris at the end of the day, you’re giving yourself permission to feel it.You aren’t denying to yourself that you are depressed, that it’s one of those days where you just can’t hold yourself up, but you’re giving yourself permission to turn around and see that. To do more than just know you feel down, you’re facing it. When I imagine those wings wrapped in a sheet or a towel, it’s like saying “Things are really hard right now, but we’ll get through it. I’ll keep you safe. It’s alright.”Like I said, I think that originated because of how young I was when I really became aware of my depression, and some days it feels like an ache in your heart, but I always try to remember the wings.

Re-examine why you surround yourself with who you have.

This one seems a bit brutal, and it should be said I was raised in a military family. You moved every few years and back then we didn’t have facebook and hardly used e-mail, so when someone moved away, they basically stopped existing. It means I’ve gotten very good at cutting people out of my life, too good which is something I’ve been working on lately.Anyways, this one can be really hard. I still have my journal from when my depression was bad, before I’d sort of flipped that switch and shut off the part of me that wanted to die (I explain it in this section, just later on), I kept writing about the same thing: My mask.I’d write about how it felt like I wore this mask for my friends, and they couldn’t see me decaying beneath it. I didn’t think they even cared. I described myself as a walking corpse- rotting away, my skin turning black and blue as I decomposed behind that mask.One day I looked at that journal- and it’s something I can rarely look at even now, it’s just incredibly dark- and I realized there was something else in my words, something I never noticed:I said the mask was what was killing me, what made me decay and die without anyone noticing. So… what happened if I took the mask off?I felt like I had to be a certain person around my friends- behave a certain way, dress, act, like certain things- but what if I stopped that? I loved them, I called them my best friends, but if I was so incredibly unhappy around them… maybe… maybe that was hurting me. Now, I will say the people I was hanging around with at the time were nice. They were always nice to me, genuinely, and we didn’t really fight… But when I took off that mask and stopped doing stuff because it was how I was supposed to be around them, we drifted apart…… and I found new friends. People I didn’t have to wear a mask around. People who loved me exactly as I was. I didn’t think I’d find others with my brand of weird, but I did! It was scary, and difficult, and heartbreaking because I lost friendships I’d had for a long time… but I stopped writing about that mask. I stopped feeling the decay eating away at me.And that’s how I flipped that switch and that’s how the part of me that wanted to die finally did. I haven’t even thought about suicide in over 10 years now. My depression is still bad, there are still days- weeks even- where it’s hard to get up and function, but I know in my soul that I won’t get to that place again where I want to take my own life… And it’s because I found a way to pull that mask off.It’s the hardest thing you will ever do- facing yourself. That’s not a cliche, turning around and actually really, truly looking into the mirror hurts… but while it may feel at first like it’s leaving you hollow, if you felt like you were dead inside then just think of it as burning away the rot. Cauterizing the wound. I buried it in my fic “What Rises from the Ashes”, but there was a message from me to people like you- like us- who feel broken and ravaged, hollow and alone, like the person who smiled once upon a time is nothing but a rotted corpse:“… the creature that rises from our ashes can be beautiful too.”As scary as it is, as frightening as it seems when you notice those old friends pulling away, I promise you the person who emerges is stronger and more beautiful than the one you’re burning away. Let the part of you that wants to die die, let the rest of you grow strong once it’s pollution is gone. I realize those are strong words, and there are probably other ways to phrase it someone would recommend, but that is always how I’ve seen it, and it helps me... That piece of me was monumental, all-consuming, all-powerful- and now there’s nothing left of her. Just the tombstone, to remind me that I beat her. That part of me that wanted to die, that said the world would be better off without me--- I realized my world was better off without her. My life is better off without her...I can’t explain how exactly I beat that part of me, how I cauterized that wound. That’s why I keep mixing my metaphors, because I really can’t explain it. But one day you’ll see your opening, however brief it may be. That nasty voice will lose its power for a second, and if you pounce you can silence its poisonous words. The depression is still there, but the teeth are gone. That extra darkness is gone.Never wear a mask again. There are enough people in this world that I swear to you, you’ll find someone with your brand of weird… and the friendship that comes from that will make the other look thin as tissue paper.

A few quotes that helped me:

I really can’t explain it with these quotes. I’d flipped that switch on the side of me that wanted to die- I ripped that mask off at long last and… …. …Beneath the depression was rage… anger and wrath and a deep bitterness. I compared what I felt beneath that mask to something rotted and decomposing, well I saw the anger at the heart of my depression as an infection that was poisoning me alive.These two quotes… I really can’t explain it. I read them maybe 2-4 days apart and they shook me to my core. Never before- and never since- has something stuck with me so wholly and completely.So, I share them with you now- with anyone facing depression- and I hope somehow you find the same strength in them I did. I say them to myself a dozen times per day, I’m going to have the last lines of the first one (I’ll put it in italics) tattooed on my arm (in Latin, the original language, which I will put in parentheses)It’s easy to descend into Hell.All day and all night the dark doors of Hades stand open.But to retrace the path, to emerge once again in the sweet air of heaven…This is your task, and therein lies your burden (hoc opus, hic labor est)– Vergil, ‘The Aeneid’—– With depression, fighting your way back to happiness feels like a burden, this monumental task you’ll never overcome. What this quote reminds me, every day, is that the easy road only leads deeper into hell. If you want to feel better, if you want to smile and feel the sun again, you have to fight.The easy road is the one that makes things worse. Just keep walking, just keep breathing and fighting and wrapping those wings up when they drag on the ground, and eventually the hard world becomes soft again. Eventually you realize that’s sun on your face, and without even noticing when it happened, you find yourself smiling again.The other quote is simple, but important:Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.— You are not alone. What you are feeling is not wrong. You aren’t isolated, you just haven’t found the others yet. You’re fighting a war, but you aren’t the only soldier on the battlefield.It might take weeks, months, years, but eventually you’ll find someone else who’s waged that war along side you- even if we’ve never met. When one of us fights depression, we fight for everyone else like us. We fight so that others can one day see where we are and we can help fight for you too.I fought my depression, and while we still spar, I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore. Even the days I feel like I’m drowning, I know there is a pillar of steel and diamond in my soul, and that will always keep me standing.I fought my depression, and if someone needs me to help fight theirs, I will always show them they aren’t fighting alone. I’m beside them every step of the way. Even if it’s just through posts like this, the battle can be won. We will fight this, and we will survive to spite the evil bastard that tries to steal our happiness away.

Like I said at the start of this, these aren’t really things you can say to someone. That’s the hardest part of depression and watching someone go through it- the greatest thing you can do for that person is help them fight.

There’s no ‘magic bullet’ phrase or fortune-cookie wisdom you can offer to get them through it… Here, I’ve shown you all my soul. This is how I fought it. This is how I’m still fighting.

But I know my strength, I know I’ll always win because I don’t accept any other truth.For your friend, just be there. Send them this and see if they can take some of my strength for their fight. I have enough to spare.And for the days when it is very difficult, its never too late to ask someone to share their strength with you. I’ve linked this paragraph to a place where you can find suicide and depression hotlines (I just googled a search tool that can be used no matter what country you’re in). I used to think it was embarrassing to have to call something like that- but those people are there because they love you. They don’t even know you, but for them the idea of a world without you is so abhorrent, they’re going to sit there, waiting by the phone, to give you every last ounce of strength they can.I hope this helps, I truly do.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo