#articulating something I'm not sure I can put into words rn?

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Hero

found u on AO3 and loved u immediately, your writing style is incredible and i’ve binged all your stories :) crack request popped into my mind the other day and i thought i’d share—> the pinocchio phenomenon about “my nose will grow” (i’m sure you’re familiar) except for its the sides (prob logan bc experiment) trying it on janus- “janus will be summoned” or something to that effect idk ily please never stop writing <3 – bumblebea2712

Okay, so I've been thinking about something for a while. In your fic, Silver Box, where Roman has that box labeled 'Ego' with all the positive reinforcement in it? What if one of the things that gets whispered from it is when c!Thomas told Roman "you're my hero"? Like, especially with the angst from POF/SvS Redux. Thinking about how Roman misinterpret Janus' nod as 'Thomas is lying' when he actually meant that Thomas was still the truth when calling Roman his hero again. I wanna see Janus trying to correct him and be like "that nod meant he was telling the truth, he still thinks of you as his hero, he still cares about you", etc. Just some Roman, Janus, and c!Thomas angst all bundled up with hurt/comfort. I have THOUGHTS, and so I wanted to share :3 – oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat

If you're up to requests rn, could we have a Sanders Sides fic where Thomas himself is actually present maybe? – anon

Hey, would you be interested in perhaps writing a story where Logan assumes Roman is stupid because he isn’t articulate, and one day Roman has enough and is trying so hard to explain to Logan why he’s wrong but he doesn’t know the right way to phrase things so he just ends up getting more and more upset while Logan isn’t listening? – anon

Hey! I love your work (I’m definitely a Roman angst enjoyer 😅, but all of it’s good!!). If you’re open to requests, I was thinking about the control that Patton has over Roman because like,, a prince fights for honor. For good. And who decides what those concepts mean? Patton does. In some way, he controls Roman’s narrative. Anyways, h/c with Roman and potentially protective Remus. Thank you for considering!! – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: self esteem issues, self doubt, slightly unsympathetic logan and patton

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 5984

"What honor is there that I can find now? What—how do I know what is right anymore? I've been behind a sword for so long, I fear…I fear I'm forgetting who I am without it." His breath comes out shakier. "And I fear…if I were to ever try to explain this to someone who wasn't you, my words would come out so clumsy they would impale me on their rusted edges." "There is nothing wrong with the way you speak, Roman. Nothing at all." "If only it were something that would be listened to."

Thomas sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Okay, I think—is that all we're gonna be able to get done today?"

"I have no qualms about continuing, but I do not think it would be productive."

"I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you go around in circles again and again," Virgil groans, long ago giving up the pretense of standing and paying attention, his forehead pressed against the stairs railing, "just call it here and let us go."

"Now, kiddo, that's not a very sporting attitude!" Patton puts his hands on his hips. "If Thomas thinks we're all involved in this discussion, then there's no point if trying to discount your own importance."

"I'm not discounting my own importance, I'm questioning my relevance." He glares through a gap in the bars at Logan. "This whole thing isn't gonna make me think it's not worth being cautious about, no matter how much L tries to talk me out of it. I'm Anxiety. Literally it's my job to be irrational sometimes. By definition—"

"But we've previously established that you do have some semblance of logical reasoning at points, and this could very well be one of those points—"

"Okay." Thomas cuts Logan off with a wave of his hand. "I think—yeah, I think we're done. I'm sorry, Logan, but I don't—we're kind of at an impasse."

"Here's an idea." Virgil's hand flops lazily up in a parody of raising his hand. "Why don't we ask someone whose literal job it is to come up with ideas?"

Logan's nose wrinkles momentarily and he sighs. "I do not see the value in asking either Roman or Remus to weigh in on this discussion when it has nothing to do with them."

"Uh-huh, so you wanna try to do the create-an-idea thing without the Sides whose job it is to do that?"

"We are all capable of coming up with ideas, Virgil, Roman and Remus simply represent Thomas's Creativity."

"Oh, yeah?" Virgil heaves himself up onto an elbow. "When's the last time you came up with an idea for an experiment on your own?"

"Preposterous. I'm perfectly capable of coming up with my own experiments."

"Do it. Right now."

"We are in the middle of discussing—"

"No, no," Thomas says, "please, I could use a break from thinking about this."

Logan's mouth works for a second. "Very well. Let's see…ah. A spin on the Pinocchio paradox."

"The what?"

"The Pinocchio paradox. A simple thought experiment on what would happen if the character, Pinocchio, uttered the words: 'My nose will grow now.' An interesting thought, given that—"

"That his nose grows when he lies and if it does grow then he told the truth which means it wouldn't grow which means he lies, sure, sure, sure, what does that have to do with anything?"

Logan adjusts his ties and raises a finger. "Janus will now appear."

Everyone in the room pauses, listening for the telltale whoosh of a Side appearing. Which it does, a few seconds later, and Logan gets cuffed on the shoulder.

"What was that for?"

"I'm not an experiment," Janus says, a bit too amused to be an indictment, "and am perfectly capable of showing up to slap you for being an idiot."

"See? Experiment successful."

"That's not—okay." Thomas pinches the bridge of his nose. "Janus, while you're here, you might as well weigh in on this."

'"Being arbitrarily asked to choose a side with little to no context as to what the options are? My favorite." He claps his hands a few times. "What am I choosing between?"

"Would it be better if I responded to this email now, saying that I'm not available for a call for the rest of the day, or should I wait and just call back tomorrow when I am free?"

"Ooh, what an interesting dilemma. How badly will your life be impacted by a negative outcome to this call?"

"Don't fucking start with me, J," Virgil warns, studiously ignoring Patton's language, "I know you've been listening this whole time."

"Oh, you're no fun." Virgil tips him a lazy two-fingered salute and he sighs. "Very well. Thomas, do you want to respond to this now?"

Thomas frowns. "What? Isn't that what you all are here for?"

"We can manifest different parts of you trying to figure something out, but that doesn't mean you don't have your own thoughts about it that aren't us. What do you want to do?"

"This line of questioning is pointless. Thomas has established that he doesn't know what he wants and he's asked us—well, I suppose that now includes you—what to do."

Janus slides his gaze to Logan, eyes narrowing slightly. "That's awfully presumptuous of you, Logan."

"Thomas? Is that an inaccurate conclusion?"

"…I mean, not really."

Logan gestures at him. "See? There you are. Now, either we are agreeing to call the meeting here and simply wait until tomorrow, or we are going to rehash the same arguments from the past hour and quite frankly, I think there is a better use of our time."

"Why are the twins not here?"

"Excuse me?"

"The twins. The ones who are good at coming up with solutions to problems." Janus glances around. "They seem conspicuously absent from this meeting where we are trying to come up with a solution to something."

"That's what I was saying."

Logan sighs, removing his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Alright, if you insist. I do not see what sort of valuable insight they will be able to give us, but if you all want to hear what they have to say, then I suppose I cannot object."

Thomas smiles and reaches out to summon Creativity. A moment later, Roman appears in front of the TV, wincing.

"Thomas?"

"Hey, Roman, we, uh, we were hoping you could help us out."

Roman rubs the back of his neck, glancing around the room. "Uh, sure. What, uh, what with?"

"Thomas is struggling to choose between responding to a missed phone call and voicemail with either an email today apologizing and explaining his availability tomorrow, or simply calling back tomorrow when he is immediately available," Logan says smoothly. "Which option do you think is preferable?"

Roman just blinks at him for a long second. When Logan raises his eyebrows expectantly, his shoulders hunch a little and he curls in on himself. "I, um, I don't know."

"Just as I suspected. Very well, thank you Roman, you may go."

"Wait, what?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Virgil says, sitting up, "that's not fair, he's been here, what, all of two seconds?"

"Yes, and has just admitted that he doesn't have an answer to us, which is not a productive way to continue this conversation, therefore he can go."

"Wait, Logan—" Thomas holds his hand out, silently asking Roman to stay, "can't we just—how's he gonna be able to actually give his opinion if he doesn't have time to make one?"

"Roman, are the facts I've given to you unclear?"

"Huh? N-no—"

"Do you believe you have a firm enough grasp of the situation to form a conclusion?"

"I mean, yeah, I get it, but—"

"And you still don't know what option you prefer?"

Roman's quiet for a moment, his outstretched hand slowly returning to his side. "…no."

Logan nods. "Settled, then."

"Come on, Logan," Janus says, frowning a little now, "just because you didn't want him here doesn't mean you can throw him away as soon as he's said one thing that vaguely aligns with what you wanted."

"First off, that's an incredible level of irony coming from you—" both Janus and Roman flinch— "and secondly, Roman, would you like to be part of this meeting?"

They all turn to look at Roman, who shuffles under their gazes. He keeps flicking his eyes up to Thomas, then to Patton, then to Janus, before staring back down at his hands. The buzzing of the fridge becomes oppressive. He winces and rubs the back of his neck again.

"Roman?"

"…not really."

"Then it's settled, then. Thank you for your input."

Roman glances once more at Thomas with something almost like longing before he sinks out again. Virgil, who'd been watching him closely, turns to frown at Logan. Logan adjusts his tie.

"If that's all, then, Thomas, would you still like to end the meeting here?"

"Yeah, let's…let's call it."

"Very well. I shall be available if you need me further." He sinks out.

Patton sinks out next, giving Thomas a quick thumbs-up before disappearing. Janus exchanges a brief look with Virgil before he's vanishing too, leaving just the two of them alone in the living room. Thomas puts his hands on his hips, staring at the spot where Roman was.

"So that was weird, right?"

"Yeah." Virgil grunts as he sits up, hands balled up in the pocket of his hoodie. "That…I've never seen them…do that before."

"Did Roman and Logan have a fight or something?"

"I don't think so? I mean, I've seen them argue about stuff, but they always do that and it didn't seem like it was any more, like, intense than usual, so I don't…I don't know why that happened." He shuffles. "I've also never seen Logan be that…short with Roman before."

"Yeah, like, he was here for literally, like—"

"Like two seconds—"

"And then Logan was telling him to go again. And did you notice how he kept looking—"

"At you?"

"At me, yeah, did—did I do something?"

"What? Shit, no, Thomas, I don't think that's it. I think—" he sighs— "look, he's not gonna be happy I'm telling you this, but Princey's been going through some stuff lately and I'm not sure exactly what it is but I know it's been weighing on him a lot."

Thomas frowns. "How so?"

"Well, let me put it this way: have you been daydreaming a lot more lately?"

He thinks. "Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess so, but I haven't been doing that much recently, which kind of makes sense, I guess?"

"Yeah, well, that's Princey in the Imagination." Thomas nods and Virgil gives him a pointed look. "I'm telling you that Princey's been going into the Imagination more."

"Yeah, that's—isn't that what he does?"

Virgil scrubs a hand over his face. "Yeah, it is, but not like this. Normally when he goes in, he's doing it to come up with ideas or work something out, or…something. But recently…"

"But recently that doesn't feel like what he's doing," Thomas finishes, chewing on his lip, "yeah, actually, now that you mention it, it does kind of feel…different. Like—like they're…"

"Comfort," Virgil finishes quietly when he can't quite put his finger on it, "it feels like a comfort."

"Roman's going into the Imagination to comfort himself?" Virgil shrugs. "Why?"

"Like I said, he's going through some stuff. It's not—I'm not all up on how the Imagination translates to whatever your daydreams end up being, but I don't think—Princey's not even telling us what he gets up to in there."

Thomas sucks in a breath. If there's one thing he's learned after listening to them talk about whatever goes on in the Mindscape when they're not with him, it's that Roman loves to regale them with tales of his adventures in the Imagination, even if it comes at the expense of whatever else they're doing. To hear that Roman's been going off more than usual and he isn't telling them about it? Worrying, to say the least.

"When did this start?"

Virgil blows out a breath. "After the wedding."

"Shit, that's…probably not good."

"Yeah."

They both stare at the black TV. A bit of dust gets caught in a gust from the vent and sticks to the corner.

"…he's my hero," Thomas says quietly.

"Huh?"

"He's my hero. Maybe he's…maybe he's going to the Imagination to do the things heroes don't get to do."

"Okay, you gotta break that down for me a little more."

"The heroes don't get to be vulnerable. They don't get to…to actually stop and rest, not really. They have to keep going, they have to…" Thomas swallows. When did this lump in his throat get here? "They're not—oh, god, am I gonna cry?"

"Shit, shit, shit, uh—do you want me to get Patton back?"

"N-no, no, don't—" for some reason the thought of Patton reappearing sends a bolt of fear straight through his chest and he knows Virgil feels it too, shooting to his feet and watching as Thomas stumbles back to the couch— "I—oh, god."

"Hey, hey, hey, buddy," Virgil says, voice soft and low as Thomas buries his face in his hands, "take it easy, okay? You're okay, you're safe in the house, everything's okay. I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? Just a nice, deep breath, you're okay, that's it, good, now let it out…nice, do it again…"

Virgil helps talk him slowly through the well of emotion suddenly bubbling just at the base of his throat, the breaths coming out shaky but steady. Absentmindedly, he puts a hand to his chest and starts rubbing in slow, firm circles. The pressure does something to the frantic and flighty part of him, helping to soothe him back from whatever brink he hadn't realized he'd walked to.

"Hey," Virgil calls a few minutes later, "you with me again?"

"Yeah, I think so." He takes a couple more seconds just to breathe it out. "Roman's—Roman's my hero, and I don't know if he knows that I…that I still want to listen to him."

"What do you mean?"

"Afterwards. When I—when we were all—when the stuff happened. He said that he thought he was my hero and I told him he was and then he…"

"Freaked," Virgil finishes when he can't, "yeah, I remember."

"I don't…I don't know why that made him so upset."

"Well, hey," he says when that lump starts to come back to his throat, "let's not have you worry about that right now, okay? You—let's go do something else that'll get your mind off of it. Go rewatch the Office bloopers again, that always works."

"Will you—can you keep an eye on him for me?"

"Yeah, Thomas, I can do that. Now c'mon, those bloopers aren't going to rewatch themselves."

***

Roman walks slowly through the woods as the fireflies twinkle around him. He lifts a hand to push aside a branch, stepping through the shadows to emerge onto the thin dirt path that winds through the base of the trees. As the darkness falls, the thin blue lines grow deeper, darker, blending together to weave across the grass as little critters scurry back and forth. The whistle of the wind accompanies the crunch of his footsteps as he makes his way toward the cabin.

Movement from around the side and the man emerges, wiping dirt from his hands with a rag. He looks up and smiles as Roman approaches.

"Roman," he greets, with his voice warm, "how good it is to see you."

"I see I'm a bit too late to help with the chores." He nods to the rag. "I don't mean to impose on you."

"Nonsense, old friend, nothing you do could possibly be an imposition. As it happens, I have a stew on that I won't be able to finish by myself and it would be a great favor to me if you were to help me."

Roman chuckles. "How could I refuse?"

The man holds a hand out to him as he nears, settling it on the curve of Roman's neck and pulling him close for a brief hug of sorts. Roman turns his cheek to rest against the curve of his jaw, breathing out shakily. The man lets out a comforting noise and his fingers card through the delicate hairs at the base of his head.

"Come inside, dear friend, let the fire warm you."

"The night is warm already."

"It is young still, and will grow cold," he says as he begins to lead them up the stairs, "and you look to be the type of cold that does not thaw even in the hottest sun."

"I worry for the state of the realm sometimes, if I am truly so transparent."

"Only to me, dear friend, and only because you have seen fit to allow yourself to be so with me." He's coaxed inside a modest cabin, sat at a simple hewn table as a rich smell fills the room. He closes his eyes to breathe it in, opening them again when the low thud of a bowl and tankard draws his attention. "Eat, please. You know I can't bear a less-than-full stomach under my roof."

"You're too kind to me."

"Nonsense." The hand fits itself around his head once more. "You are worth being kind to, and even more worth allowing me to care for you. Now, come on."

The stew is simple, hearty, and as filling as he could ever want. Under the table, their legs press together, boots against boots, knee against knee. The fire crackles in the hearth as the last of the light fades from outside. He can feel his shoulders beginning to relax, the line of his body growing looser, more languid.

When they've both eaten their fill and the dishes have been set away to deal with later, he sits on the floor near the hearth and stares into the flames. A warm hand lands on his shoulder and brings his head to rest against another, light touch trailing over the bare skin under his sleeve.

"What troubles you tonight, dear friend?"

"I don't want to impose—"

"Shh, none of that now. It's an honor to be troubled by your worries."

He turns his head into the crook of his neck, breathing in the smell of clean sweat, of spiced apple, of wood smoke. "I struggle to remember what it is I fight for."

Gentle nails along his scalp. "How so?"

"What honor is there that I can find now? What—how do I know what is right anymore? I've been behind a sword for so long, I fear…I fear I'm forgetting who I am without it." His breath comes out shakier. "And I fear…if I were to ever try to explain this to someone who wasn't you, my words would come out so clumsy they would impale me on their rusted edges."

"There is nothing wrong with the way you speak, Roman. Nothing at all."

"If only it were something that would be listened to."

"Hey." He's nudged until he can look up at the man's face. "You once told me that all you wanted to fight for was this. For the chance for one to sit, in the peace and safety, with those they care for, and have that be alright. Is this still true?"

"Yes. But I don't—I no longer know how to do that."

The man goes quiet, contemplative, running his fingers gently over the edge of Roman's face. The touch coaxes a lump to his throat, a tear to his eye, and the man lets out another comforting noise, pulling him closer.

"Rest for the night, please, dear friend. My bed is warm, my touch willing. You fear losing who you are without your sword? Put it down for the night, stay. Remind yourself of how to enjoy the thing you fight for."

"If only I could be as persuasive as you," he mumbles, allowing himself to sink into the warmth of the touch, "then I might never need a sword again."

He chuckles. "Well, I don't know if I can do all that much, but I have learned how to persuade you, my dear, and that will serve me well enough."

***

"Roman?"

Roman turns, spotting Janus as he trudges back from the Imagination. "What're you doing awake?"

"I was waiting for you."

He winces. "Sorry, I, um, did we have something planned?"

"What? No, no, sweetie, nothing like that, I only—I wanted to talk to you for a moment."

A chill works its way up Roman's spine and he suppresses a shudder, walking slowly to his room and opening the door. Janus follows him in, carefully closing it behind them and waiting while Roman tucks something into a drawer on his desk and sitting down.

"What's up?"

"Are you…are you okay?"

He flinches slightly. "Why, um, why?"

Janus looks pained. He glances around and seemingly comes to a decision before sinking down to the floor, crossing his legs and sighing. "You…seemed very upset after earlier, and I wanted to come and ask you about it."

"Oh, no, I'm fine, I wasn't—Logan was right, I wasn't going to be useful in that conversation."

"The one you were in for all of three seconds before you were being shunted out of it again?"

Roman narrows his eyes. "You know, it is kind of ironic that you of all people are worrying about that right now."

Janus barely has time to process how he feels about that sentence before Roman's eyes are widening and he's leaning back.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, that came out really rude, I didn't mean that."

"You did, and that's okay. No, no—really, it is okay, Roman, you don't have to pretend like I didn't hurt you—that I'm not hurting you when I do things like that. No, no—" he stands as Roman covers his face with his hands— "please, sweetie, just—just listen to me for a second, okay?"

Roman nods, his face still hidden. Janus hesitates for a moment before gloved hands come down to rest on his shoulders. He leans down and carefully, carefully presses his chin to the top of Roman's head. Roman shudders a little under the contact but stays still.

"You've been distant lately," Janus whispers, as though afraid of breaking the silence, "and that's not a bad thing, sweetie, but it's…it seems like it's hurting you. And I'm worried because Thomas isn't—I don't know what Thomas would do without you."

Roman stiffens and immediately he knows it was the wrong thing to say. "I won't let Thomas down again, I know what I'm doing. I'm just—I'm sorry I haven't been very present lately, but I'm—"

"No, no, that's not what I meant—wait, what do you mean, 'again?'"

Roman hunches his shoulders. "I know I'm not Thomas's hero anymore, okay? You don't need to keep acting like I'm—"

"Wait, wait, sweetie." Janus crouches down, cupping Roman's face in his hands. "What do you mean, you're not Thomas's hero anymore?"

"That's what you said! After the wedding, when he said—when I said—and you nodded! Like it was a lie!" He jerks away. "We don't need to pretend that didn't happen, okay? I remember, it's not like I could forget something like that."

"No, no, Roman—no, that's not what I meant, I didn't—it wasn't a lie."

Roman goes still. He stares at Janus for a long moment, long enough for a bit of a smile to come to his face, like Roman's actually listening to him. Then Roman's expression darkens and the voice that comes out of him is darker and more venomous than anything Janus has ever heard.

"Do not lie to me."

"R-Roman—"

"No." Roman pulls away, standing up, towering over him. "You will not lie to me. Not about that, not about anything like that. Use me as your puppet all you want, everyone knows I can't stop you, but I won't let you lie to me about this. Ever."

He's already fumbling to get his gloves off, surging up and grabbing Roman in a tight hug, so close he couldn't hope to get an inch of distance between them. "I'm not lying," he hisses, almost into Roman's nose, "I'm not lying about this, Roman, I'm not. Thomas wasn't lying. You're his hero. You still are."

"Stop it—"

"My gloves are off! I can't lie with my gloves off, Thomas loves you—you're his hero—"

"Stop it!" The words leave Roman in a breathless cry and Janus is left struggling to heft his weight as his knees buckle. "Stop it, stop it—stop it, it's not true, it can't be true, it's a lie—it—it has to be—"

"Why does it have to be, sweetie?" They're back on the floor, Janus smoothing hair back from Roman's flushed face, awkwardly holding him in his lap. "Why did it have to be a lie?"

"Because—because—" he sniffles— "nothing makes sense anymore. I don't—I can't—I can't do anything."

He frowns. "What do you mean you can't do anything?"

Hands come up to circle his wrists, not to push him away, just to have somewhere else to hold onto. "Princes fight for honor, for what's good. I can't—I can't fight anymore."

Not much can break Janus's heart like hearing Roman admit something like that, fewer things still can threaten tears at the corners of his eyes like the ones badly concealed in Roman's voice. "What do you mean, sweetie? Why can't you fight anymore?"

"I don't know anything! I don't know what's good, what's honorable, what's—what's right, I can't…I'm wrong, Janus, I'm just wrong and I don't—I don't know how to be right again."

"Shh, shh, shh, easy, now, sweetie, shh…" Janus hauls him closer, pressing his mouth to his flushed cheek, still murmuring comfort. "Shh…that's it, just stay here with me a moment, okay?"

"J-Janus—"

"I'm here, sweetie, I'm right here."

Roman's stifled sobs land like mines in the room, creating a mess around them as he curls up tighter, tighter still. The door to the Imagination glistens softly and he can almost hear the distant crackle of a fireplace and that alone sends him further into the fit. Janus's hands remain gentle, holding him close, but everything keeps spinning and nothing, nothing makes sense except the hurt in his chest.

He's going to cry himself to sleep again, he realizes faintly as exhaustion starts to seep through him, but then Janus is kissing his forehead again and gently shaking him awake.

"Sweetie, listen to me: no one knows what you fight for better than you, okay? You're Thomas's Hopes and Dreams, his hero—" Roman whimpers— "you do know what's right."

"N-no, I don't."

"Then who does know?"

"Patton."

Janus's blood runs cold. "Patton? Why Patton?"

"Patton's the Heart, he's M—he's Morality. He knows—he decides. I'm—I just follow." He sniffles. "And Logan—Logan, he's right, I don't—I'm so stupid—"

"That's enough, now." He runs a hand through his hair again. "That's enough, sweetie. You're not stupid. No—shh, shh, you're not. You know you're not."

"I am. I can't—I can't talk right and I don't know what I'm doing and—an' I'm just gonna mess everything up again."

Janus closes his eyes, bowing his head and taking a deep breath of his own. Cradling Roman's head to his chest, he leans down and kisses both his forehead and his cheeks, just staying there for a long, long moment. Roman's soft sobs echo gently in his ear and he tucks a stray piece of hair back from his face.

"You're not stupid," he murmurs, "you're not going to mess everything up again. You're okay. You're okay, sweetie."

Roman sniffles and shakes his head. "No, it's not. It's not okay."

"…no," Janus concedes, pulling Roman close, "I suppose it's not."

***

Not many things can happen in the Mindscape without Remus noticing, and almost nothing can happen to his brother without him showing up to knock some heads.

Case in point: when there's a tug in his gut telling him that Roman is upset, he grabs his Morningstar and sinks out without hesitating.

When he rises up in the living room, it takes less than two seconds for him to determine one: that Logan is picking on his brother, two: Patton isn't doing anything to stop him, and three: Roman is crying.

"Remus, not now," Logan sighs, "we're in the middle of something."

"You're in the middle of hurting my brother."

"R-Re?" He's got his arm around Roman's shoulders in the next moment. "W-wait, I need to—I have to—I gotta explain."

"Explain what, Roro?"

Logan sighs. "Roman has been trying, unsuccessfully, to explain that we are at fault for—"

"Ah, no." Remus throws a knife at Logan. "I didn't ask you. Shush."

"Remus! Throwing knives at people isn't nice!"

"Neither is making them cry! We're all in agreement." He tucks his head against Roman's, gentling his voice. "What're you trying to explain, Roro?"

"The—" he sniffles— "Janus said I should try—try talking to them and I said it wouldn't work but he—he insisted an' I—"

"Shh, shh, take your time, Ro, you're doing great."

"Heart. Morality. Prince. Logic."

Remus's little black heart breaks in two and he wraps his arms tightly around his brother. "Oh, Ro, it's okay. It's gonna be okay, lemme get you somewhere safe and I'll do it for you, okay?"

"You don't have to—"

"Trust me, Ro-bro, I got this."

Roman sags in his arms. "O-okay."

Remus quickly bids the Imagination to open its doors and sinks Roman out, giving him a gentle push into the forest before reappearing in the living room. He cracks his knuckles and grins.

"Alright, where were we?"

Logan sighs. "Remus, I don't—"

"Ah, that's right!" Remus throws another knife at him. "You, not listening to people who can't articulate things as well as you can! Rude and ableist, Loganberry, not a good look on you."

"I am not—"

"Roman can't articulate his thoughts as well as you can and so you think you're better than him, smarter than him, and that he's not worth listening to, is that explicit enough?" Logan opens and closes his mouth a few times but doesn't say anything. "Mm. And you!"

Patton yelps as Remus throws something at him too.

"You have a nasty habit of making Roman feel like a helpless little kid! You have a lot of sway over things like Thomas's sense of right and wrong and when you don't talk to Roman like he's your equal, you really fuck him up!"

"Language—"

"Don't fucking talk to me about my language," Remus says with artificial cheeriness, "talk to yourself about how not to give my brother an identity crisis!"

He stops throwing things, mainly because the rest of them are exploding or things he knows Roman would rather he didn't throw at them, no matter how tempting it is. The two of them slowly get their shit together, each with a different amount of regret. He doesn't really care about that, though, so long as they're not going to hurt Roman like that again.

"Good chat!"

And he sinks out to tackle Roman into Ollie's pond so they can have fun playing and not crying.

God, he loves his brother.

***

"Hey, Thomas?"

Thomas looks up and sees Virgil on the stairs. "Oh, hey, Virge, what's up?"

"You, uh, you asked me to keep an eye on Princey."

He sits up straight. "Yeah, what's—what's going on?"

Virgil sighs, rubbing his hands together. "There was a…not a fight, but some stuff happened. Turns out that Roman, uh, didn't believe you when you said you still thought of him as your hero and it…got bad."

"Do I want to know how bad?"

"Like, bad enough that Roman wasn't—shit, Thomas, no, I don't think you wanna know. Let's just say it was bad enough that he wasn't just going to the Imagination for comfort, he was going there because it was the only place he felt safe."

"Oh, Roman…"

"The fight—the thing was about Roman trying to explain to Patton and Logan how it fucked him up really badly, and he wasn't—you know how Roman's not always the best at explaining himself?"

"Yeah?"

"It—it wasn't really going well. Remus had to step in and do it for him."

"Wait, Remus?"

"Yeah, they're brothers. Remus—shit, Remus is really protective of Roman sometimes and this time wasn't an exception. Everyone's fine now, but it's…" Virgil sighs. "Logan and Patton have apologized and everybody's working on it, but I thought you'd want to know."

"How much stuff happens with you guys that I don't know about?"

"Honestly? I don't think you want the answer to that either."

"Jesus." Thomas scrubs a hand over his face. "Alright, well, thanks for telling me, Virgil. If…if there's anything I can do, let me know?"

Virgil nods and sinks out. Thomas puts a hand to his chest, rubbing in slow circles. There's a part of him that feels cold, still. Maybe…maybe he can figure out some way to help warm it up.

***

Roman wakes up to the sound of a crackling fire. He hums, rolling over, reaching for the edge of the bed, only to stop when his hands meet the thick red comforter. He frowns. This…this is his bed. He didn't fall asleep in the Imagination. So then why…?

He looks over and his eyes widen.

Across the room, tucked into a neat little alcove that definitely wasn't there when he went to sleep, is a merrily crackling fireplace. Above it, mounted on a gold plaque, is a cardboard sword with the words you're my hero written on it in red ink.

General Taglist: @frxgprince@potereregina@gattonero17@iamhereforthegayshit@thefingergunsgirl@awkwardandanxiousfander@creative-lampd-liberties@djpurple3@winterswrandomness@sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes@iminyourfandom@bullet-tothefeels@full-of-roman-angst-trash  @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind@demoniccheese83@pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious@firefinch-ember@fandomssaremysoul@im-an-anxious-wreck@crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch@enby-ralsei@unicornssunflowersandstuff@wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv  @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams@averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws@cecil-but-gayer@i-am-overly-complicated@annytheseal@alias290@tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance@whyiask@crows-ace @emilythezeldafan@frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires@cyanide-violence@oonagh2@xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx@rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734@triflingassailantofmyemotions @virgil-sanders-the-gay-emo@cerulean-watermelon@puffed-up-bees@meltheromanstan@joyrose-fandomer@insanitori@mavenmush@justablah65@10paradox10@uhhh-hi-there-i-am-nervous@cutebisexualmess@bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti@ultrageekygirl

[mellow-cello]

Hello! Not a question and I'm sorry if I'm being annoying rn but I have post a few fanarts inspired by "under the surface"(https://twitter.com/aquwo_/status/1669062863858679809?s=61&t=svmof1ffydkIhdwx9oAEHQ) and just wanted to make sure you've notice them. That's okay if you just don't wanna interact with them or something not trynna to press on you! And sorry if 'm being annoying! But this fic is important to me and I just want to show HOW MUCH it is important to me and how much im appreciate &love & adore your work

I am so so so so SO sorry for how long this took. I saw this days ago and absolutely lost it with how much I loved this piece. Admittedly I've been in a weird sort of mental health state for a while, and this absolutely floored me. I honestly have been spending days trying to put into words how much I love this, but I don't think I'll be able to actually articulate it. The care you put into the expressions is phenomenal. The tenderness there in both pieces from Harry to Snape and then Harry to Draco is just... It makes me so damn happy.

In case anyone is having trouble with links in asks, here's a hyperlink so you can put this art into your life faster.

[candychameleon]

Talk about your love for MegaStar 👀

oh no what HAVE you done uhh i will try to like...keep my thoughts condensed bc the ESSAYS i could write on this ship. my dissertation on megastar

okay this ended up being long so i WILL put this under a readmore LMAO

i mean the thing is i could write so much because their dynamic is both like the same but also SO DIFFERENT IN EVERY CONTINUITY so my thoughts on megastar changes depending on continuity like. how i feel about TFA Megastar is not exactly the same as how i feel about TFP Megastar or Earthspark Megastar or IDW Megastar but like...the one thing i like the MOST about megastar is just how dysfunctional and codependent it can be (sorry hkdsfh but also idk what anyone expects with megastar i...am not sure anyone ships it bc its a paragon of a healthy relationship)

which is like a whole other can of worms but i find that sort of thing interesting in general, bc like...ALL cybertronians to a degree are dysfunctional, some more than others, but that kinda comes with the territory of having a 4-million year long civil war and one (1) therapist (who is only in one continuity). none of them really know HOW to be healthy and it's interesting exploring that and the different ways they've been broken and the different ways they cope. and to me megastar is one of the MORE interesting examples because like there is something to be said about knowing someone and being THAT close to them for as long as megatron and starscream have. they know each other better than anyone else, which is both isolating and a strange comfort. if starscream or megatron were ever to disappear or die, the other would lose a not-insignificant part of themselves; i don't think either of them even remember what their life was like without the other, nor can they really imagine it. like starscream being megatron's SiC has them working together for basically their entire lives i'd imagine. which is like...also something i wish was explored more, WHY starscream is megatron's SiC. like show me why he earned that rank! show me why he KEEPS that rank, why megatron trusts him THAT much, because like...obviously he must be SiC for a reason. why would megatron appoint him as his second if he did not in SOME capacity feel starscream was capable of leading the decepticons if he's gone (so like...stories of starscream being hopelessly incompetent kinda frustrate me sometimes. like sometimes i find them amusing but man i would love more of Dangerous, Competent Starscream bc he is SO enjoyable that way too). like TFA Starscream is one of my favorite depictions of Starscream because he is a THREAT and you can INSTANTLY see with everything he does WHY he is rightfully feared by autobots and proves megatron shouldn't have underestimated him

they're messy and co-dependent and i wish i could find like DMs where i've rambled abt it bc i've definitely articulated myself better in those and i'm having trouble w words rn hfldksjh. i want them to watch the world to burn, together, hand in unlovable hand

i find their relationship and dynamic just fascinating, not even 100% from a shipping standpoint, just in general (although i do also ship them and think they should kiss. or that they're bitter exes, which is like...ALSO a very fun dynamic to explore for me)

i guess if you want more focused thoughts ask me about a specific continuity bc i have a LOT to say about different megastars! like ESPECIALLY earthspark lately, but yeah. w/o a continuity i just talk about like...megastar OVERALL like IN GENERAL what i enjoy in a megastar dynamic

not to mention like every continuity ever has ENABLED and fed me so much. the megastars eat so well all the time and i thank hasbro for it. didnt like wfc but "i like his arrogance actually" will be THE highlight of the whole thing. did ANY of this rambling make sense. god i hope so, god i hope not

[ruporas]

It’s been really nice talking with you too, makes my heart very happy, you’re so sweet and it’s been just really really nice <33333 I appreciate all your kindness very much.

There are at least 3 people sending asks about shops rn also btw, the first one about the zine yesterday was someone else and there was another today about a shop, I’m sure there are a lot of people who would buy things from you, you have such a… your art feels like when you experience it it’s inside your chest to me. Like it blooms with your heart as you get to touch it and sits warmly with you and doesn’t slip away if that make sense. It’s something that I know personally I would get a lot of comfort from being able to look over and see in my space and I’m sure other people would too.

Art is something I value so much, it’s worth so much to me and I love to make art and listen to it and see it and feel it and live in it as much as possible. It’s how I experience a lot of joy and love and process things and feel life. I love stories. It’s love to me idk!! I love artists and I love that people share things and I love to spend time holding art in my heart and experiencing it and I appreciate it more than I can articulate that you and other people post things and share things and I make art too so I know it’s often a part of our hearts and minds and it’s vulnerable to share things that come from us like that and it’s challenging to even make them often and it’s love to me. So yeah I want you to know that you’re doing something I think is so special and important and wonderful just by making art at all <3333

Art being accessible to people is what’s given me everything and I appreciate it so much. There’s something really nice about having art that’s not in my screen that I didn’t make myself to be in as well though, and that’s worth a lot to me. Your comics and other pieces are poetry and love to me and I’m like. Really deeply grateful and happy that you’re considering making things available for people to have in their physical spaces <33333

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!! I TYPED A BIT so i'll put it under a read more... but thank you so much...!!!

your words are so kind and dear to me and gahh the way you describe how my work feels T___T i had to literally take a minute or 20 to have that sink in -- IT MADE ME REALLY HAPPY TO READ, it feels so nice to hear that my work can have that lasting effect... i think i mentioned alr, but one of my biggest comfort when receiving replies and stuff about my work is just knowing that people can feel something strongly in my work and knowing it's a warm feeling makes me feel giddy.

you have such a wonderful way of describing your passion for art too, in the collection and making of it..! i share similar sentiments, nothing i can describe as well as u did already, but art is an important everyday intake for me too, just seeing it on the dash and other socmed is an instant serotonin... and also the community it can help develop, the connection built to others who love and share the same interests... i love that sentiment of viewing art as love!! because it really is, there's passion and life poured into works created and it's a special thing to have in the everyday.

i have a few prints on my walls and i understand completely that it feels different having it physically than on a screen..! i never considered it before for my own work, but looking at the prints i have, it really radiates an unique kind of joy and comfort. knowing that someone else could have my stuff on their wall and feel similarly gives me a lot of encouragement T_T thank you so so much again for your wonderful words and for giving me a push in this direction... and i'm very happy knowing that there's anyone at all interested in having my work physically.

i'm so so grateful for these messages!!! sometimes im doing other stuff thruout the day but i remember these messages and i feel like 800x better, IT'S JUST.. SO ENCOURAGING and keeps me going. i do a lot of art for myself, but in the end, i love it most when my work can make others feel happy in any way and hearing it directly from someone else is reassuring that im doing something right in my work..! thank you!!!

[rexaleph]

rotating Moth and Rabbit perfumes in my mind. the thought so far is strong, impressive but hm. hmmm

like i think it's a p widespread experience with perfume where you will encounter a powerful, thick, complex fragrance and think ''i can tell this is well-made, but i could never". like the tweet or whatever where the little boy reacts to ballet with "it's beautiful but i don't like it". testing Moth and Rabbit has been something similar but not exactly. they are both very good and a little wrong, and i can't quite articulate what i mean by either. Clarity is a word that springs to mind. the fragrances i tried are high-pitched, but at the same time produce an impression of being solid and harmonious, never sharp or flimsy. smelling them i brace for a dissonance that never comes. something about their style also reminds me of ELDO which! i love those, but i love them bc i met them at the right time, idk that i'd be so into discovering them now.

The Lobster was the first Moth and Rabbit i tried literally just bc of the movie it's named after lol. annoying when marketing transparently works! anyway, incredibly cold and penetrating. very naturalistic petrichor, an idea that seemed cool when i first started getting into perfume but in practice i'm not that interested in. immediately smells exactly like wet forest, coniferous and mushroomy. myrrh is noticeable, it always creates this cold foresty sensation for me. the projection is just th high-pitched petrichor, up close it's the wet wood and mushrooms. something disturbing about the fragrance, feels bad to wear it, might be the movie association. it makes me think of being cold in the woods, like you went too far out on a hike, got caught in the rain, and it just sucks and you're not having fun anymore. just reading it now, the perfumer says he was going for wet dark forest so a+, he did it. i guess i'm not a gothic bitch anymore bc this is not enjoyable for me to wear. weirdly my beloved Tellus has much the same cold high-pitched forest earth overtones, but i think it's much more abstract and ofc has the sexy furry animal element. all that said! The Lobster had that balance and wholeness i mentioned that makes it feel well-composed and it made me interested to sample more Moth and Rabbit.

I picked the two I did bc they have costus and animalics and i am a little piglet who loves the dirt, and they correspond to my two desires rn: citrus and spring flowers.

Enter the Void immediately reminds me of something, I feel like it could be Amouage Figment, ELDO Remarkable People or Fils de Dieu (i didn't check, i can't be checking everything). a little odd, smells like hair and grapefruit. what reads as hair to me is something dryly savoury, like herbs for cooking, maybe tea or steppe grass. immortelle is probably doing that. I'd hoped it would be an interesting deep citrus for summer, but it's not doing what i would want that kinda fragrance to do, which is to be brighter and sweeter, tho tbf idk how i wanted that to work with all the alleged animal/skin/musk notes. the description is all about dark eroticism and the pyramid suggests something very animal, but to me Enter the Void is like some kinda glaze you put on meat, which, yeah, has lemon in it, but it's just there to slightly lift a heavy, savoury flavor profile. and that's not a criticism, it's a good way to use citrus! but yeah it's basically dry aromatic, which is not my vibe rn and i wouldn't have guessed from the advertised notes..

Now, Love Exposure is very interesting to me. intense white flowers. I get spicy sweet lilies more than anything, maybe also some of the ylang-ylang, but not enough to bother me. not the alleged big neroli for sure, thankfully, but probably jasmine. magnolia i wouldn't know to recognize. delicate floral at a distance, choking white floral up close. they also list a bunch of dirty notes and i get very little of that unfortunately. couldn't pick out cumin, ambergris or costus my beloved, however lilies are known to smell pissy, so maybe that's where all the grime is going. a sweet yet naturalistic plant-like floral, maybe this could satisfy my pretty flower fantasy. even has the peepee poopoo components that i crave. first thought is she's a little too traditional-floral for me, and the elements that aren't that pull very strangly in the direction of my beloved big expensive bottles: Tellus and Vierges et Toreros. and! i have Une Fleur de Cassie, my favorite strange floral, which people also call pissy and animalic. i don't think she smells like Love Exposure at all, but something to keep in mind. it's like, is Love Exposure a spring floral that slots into my taste, or just completely redundant. the drydown also strongly reminds me of something i can't quite place, something recent. i wore it to work yesterday (at time of writing, these posts take a while lmao) and the projection is just yeah, it's flowers, whatever. so am i trying to talk myself into this one bc I think of it as a "me" floral, which is the fantasy, just off of marketing? perhaps.

anyway, thinking abt these, and am interested in I think Single Man (one of the few movie references from the brand I've actually seen, and people praise it highly as having way more going on than the pyramid suggests), Mood Indigo (always intrigued by incense, never truly loved one), Daisies (what if it's finally a good fruit), and Dreamers (florals eyes emoji)

[daisynik7]

PLEASE BY ALL MEANS PROPOSE, I AM SO READY 👰🏻‍♀️ *ahem* i mean *cooly leans against the wall with a rose between my teef* hey cutie ;)

wait no, i can’t i’m a poser:( it’s pathetic. i’m kicking my feet, blushing so much rn, the dumbest giggles, this is crazy 🥲 thank you for YOUR kind words, having your support means the world to me and i hope you to be the same for you <3

but it truly is so beautiful, i’ve recently started to love seeing peoples different mediums of expression, whether it’s fanart, series/ film edits, and pics of course!!! i hope that this is something that continues to garner joy for you as a hobby, i surely love it, and i’m glad others love it. you articulate that creativity beautifully and i hope looking back at this page, you’re proud of what you made. 🥹 anime is relatively new for me too, and i feel like i’ve learnt more and appreciated the characters though fics than i do from watching the actual show @gege you are no longer the artist for jujutsu kaisen after what you’ve done, enjoy retirement bb 🥰 

and yes PLEASE let me talk about strawberry soju for a sec, first of all you said you based this off a song, i’m only finding results for one song by jesse barrera. A VIBE, we love that. second off, i just need to get it off my chest, i love foodie sasha! third, personally i know you for nanami wips n fics, but what you write for other characters, ART🤌🏼fourth, anything you write i will eat up. shamelessly. just know that :) also yes, kbbq was a special occasion meal for us so yes i get giddy over any reference of korean cuisine!

lastly, i’m so happy to hear that you were able to get out of the house and spend time with those core people, i’d like to take this moment to invite them to our wedding 🫶🏼

i’m not ready for the finale, i’m still not over the fact that they glazed over bertholdt’s death and reiner’s (lack of) reaction, like what? i’m also still considering do i need to continue jjk? probably not, i was just joking about actually being a masochist.🫣 

nonetheless; love you my sweet daisy, have a wonderful day/night! 🤍

don't worry, I'm already planning our wedding, honeymoon, and early retirement ;) we're going to be so happy together!! 😭♥️

I will be your biggest cheerleader, I promise you! I love seeing how people express themselves through art. I've always been an avid consumer of fan works (fanart, fan fiction, etc.). I agree that these fics have expanded on the characters much much more than what we're actually given LOL. As much as I appreciate the universe gege has created, these fics feed into my obsession even more and I'll always be grateful to every single writer/artist out there that is contributing to this fandom (and all fandoms in general).

hearing your thoughts on strawberry soju makes me so so happy!! thank you again for reading it ♥️ foodie Sasha is canon, I always imagine here with a hot potato in her pocket for snacking LOL. I have written a lot of Nanami content, but Eren also holds a special place in my heart.

also, we're going to have such bomb ass food at our wedding - filipino and korean cuisine, can it get any better than this?!

ahhhh okay I won't say anything to not spoil you, but I definitely have lots and lots of thoughts about it. can't wait to hear what you think. AND I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS (regarding continuing jjk). Not sure why I'm putting myself through this pain and misery anymore! it's too much!! but the story and characters are so captivating, idk if I can really drop it completely. we shall see...

I LOVE YOU THEA!! hope you're having a great start to your week so far! 💗💗💗

[darthcatboy]

WIP Whenever!

I was tagged in this by @davidoodles and i am actually working on many things rn so imma post two! One Thravand Heir to the Empire-verse thing and one Warhammer 40k thing bc well, I just love all of my boys and boy-adjacents too much.

I don't really have anyone I feel comfy tagging so aaaaaaaaa

Regrets

Thrawn idly watched one of the ysalimir chase Lavand's hands up and down the nutrient frame, quickly looking back to his screens when it caught them. Because the Sith laughed, and it was a sound he couldn't bear to hear anymore. A sound the Shadow programming had all but erased. He glanced up again and felt his chest tighten a little. They were smiling, giving the furry creature scratches under its chin and telling it soft words in Sith.

It was the one that they'd named Irsia, he remembered. The sight was almost ironic, a Sith Lord, treating the creature that rendered them powerless, with affection. Lavand noticed his glance and smiled at him. "Staring's rude," they teased. 

He smiled back, glad they noticed. “Sometimes I can’t resist.”

They snorted in response, turning their attention back to the ysalimir. “Alright, vina.”

“Lavand,” he said, trying to catch them before they were fully distracted again.

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Lavand was a little taken aback, not used to hearing that outside of the pair’s private quarters. “I-I love you too.”

The words hung in the air for a moment, holding years of restraint, stolen moments, and most chiefly, regret. Lavand leaned in slightly and Thrawn drew them in closer with a gentle hand under their chin. And there was almost a kiss, interrupted by a notification that someone had requested entry. The Grand Admiral set a hand on their cheek and pressed his forehead to theirs. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, almost remorseful, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see the hurt on Lavand’s face or watch their eyes go blank.

“Shadow, execute primary function.”

Study Date

Scourge grabbed their own tome off of a nearby table, clad in a thin slab of labradorite that shifted color in the light. Before they could open it, a fine, but very worn leather bound book that hummed with energy was gently placed in their lap.

“Here,” Magnus said softly. “You’ve shared so much of your kind’s knowledge with me, it’s only fair that I return the favor.” 

Scourge’s eyes widened slightly, glowing a little brighter. The Book of Magnus. The original. An object they’d had their eyes on ever since they’d met the Crimson King. The glimpse of a few pages in the Black Library had intrigued them beyond all reason, nearly a millennium ago, and now to have the genuine article? It was unfathomable. They looked back at him, their chest starting to ache with anxiety and embarrassment, face flushing gold. “I…I’m not sure this is equivalent.”

"I think it is, Scourge," he replied, smiling at them.

Magnus almost took their hand, just to show his appreciation for their assistance, of the closeness of this alliance. Of how much this friendship meant to him. A friendship that he felt, unfortunately, creeping closer and closer to something more. Something about the beauty they saw in everything, the way they articulated the stories and history of their craftworld, the ever-shifting hues of their wings. And their psychic abilities, that was an enormous point in their favor. Their brutality and fervor, too. He had felt his heart beat faster watching them fight on multiple occasions, though he would never admit that.

Scourge nodded and opened the heavy book, slowly leafing through the pages, taking in the shifting words and images. "How long can I keep this?"

The daemon primarch put a hand to his chin, mulling it over. On the one hand, he was…infatuated, but on the much more weighty hand, it was one of his, if not his most, prized possessions. He came to a swift conclusion. "Only while I'm here."

"It's going to take me days to get through even half of this, Magnus."

He smiled and looked back down to the Aeldari spellbook in his lap. "Then I'll have to stay with you, won't I?"

Scourge laughed quietly and shook their head. They wouldn't say no to spending more time with him. He was strong and handsome and respected their boundaries when it came to combat. But they craved his mind more than any of that. The long conversations about the nature of Chaos, these lengthy study sessions, the quiet psychic communions they shared on rare occasions. "Fine, fine. I can make you a room."

"Or we can stay here in your study."

They sighed and mentally conceded with a smile, starting to bury themself in the tome. "Alright, Magnus. You win this time."

[rogue-durin-16]

THE KEEPER (Part II/II)

Summary: When a mysterious person threatens the heir's life, the service of a personal guard is required to keep him safe until the foe is found. Fíli, who doesn't take the matter very seriously, only sees it as an chance to spend more time with certain knight.

Pairing: Fíli x Reader

Genre: angst-fluff

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: weapons, injuries, death

A/N: idk man I'm kind of a mess with my studies rn so thank you for your patience. Also I just started a new art account and it'll be great to get some support (wise.artwork on ig) This part took a dark turn I'm sorry babes, enjoy nonetheless<3

Part I

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

"Taking care of you is a nightmare" Y/n grumbled as we strolled into Dale's market.

I shrugged, thanking very much being out of Erebor with her. "Could be worse."

"Oh really?"

"It could be Kíli instead of me."

"Oh Mahal" she snorted, shaking her head, "I would have never volunteered for that."

"Wait—" I turned to her with a mix of confusion, shock and excitement in my gaze "you volunteered?"

She snorted. "How did you think this happened?"

"Because I might have chosen you." I responded seemingly distracted by a piece of clothing on display.

"Why would you do that?" She inquired, extending her arm to move someone rather suspicious out of my way.

"I wanted to spend more time with the most beautiful knight in the guard." I half-confessed, stopping by a dresses' stall.

"Making her life impossible?"

"Making sure she has fun." I went over the silky gowns tracing them with my fingertips. "Do you like any?"

"Fíli," she grasped my bicep and jerked me back to look at her, her eyes piercing my soul. "someone is trying to kill you, I am certainly not having fun."

"Loosen up, we are safe here." My attention came back to the dresses. "This one would look tremendous on you." I continued, picking up a iridescent green gown for her to see.

It was received with a tired sigh. "do you realize it is not true? We are not safe outside the Mountain where—"

"That's exactly why we are safe— how much is this?" I asked, ignoring Y/n's exasperated huff. "Everyone knows I am not allowed outside." I grabbed a few coins from one of my pockets and handed them to the tradesperson in exchange of the dress.

"That's why you will get me in trouble." She pointed out, following my lead when I resumed our walk, now with the dress. "If the king finds out we are here he will end me."

"Y/n," I stepped on her way, walking backwards so I could look at her whilst moving. "Do you really think I would let my uncle punish you for my actions?"

"You're my responsibility." She circled me with intent eyes. "It's on me if something happens to you." Looking at her y/e/c eyes, I then started to get a guilty feeling. Y/n was right, no matter how many times I would tell Thorin this was not her fault, she would be the one to blame. "Why that face?"

"I no longer feel like staying out of Erebor." I held her hand and guided her down the slopes that comformed the City of Dale, in the direction of the entrance.

"Such an impromptu change of mind." She teased, "You're tired already?"

"Yes, very much." I contributed to the obviously wrong statement. "I think we should go back to bed and cuddle a bit more, huh?"

She snorted. "Don't push your luck."

"C'mon, I'm obeying," I whined as we were about to exit the city. "Indulge me?"

"I indulged you last night."

"Then indulge yourself." She stopped dead in her trucks, refraining me from walking in the process since we were still holding hands.

Here eyes were screaming at me, but her lips did not part, at least not immediately; and when they did, she just said, "no."

"Y/n—"

"We talked about this." "I can't—"

"Why not?"

"Because! you're a prince and I'm a guard."

"First of all you're a captain of the royal guard," she rolled her eyes at me "second of all, Kíli and Tauriel—"

"The sole reason for your uncle to consent that was that Kíli is a second prince," my eyes dodged hers. "you're his heir."

"I don't care."

"Well you should! You should care about a lot of things that, despite your lack of interest, are important!" We were now attracting attention that we certainly did not need; that brought Y/n composure back. "Let's go home and pray for this not to reach your uncle's ears."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright, let's just go." My eyes lingered on our interlaced fingers; Y/n squeezed my hand and I looked up to see her bittersweet smile, which I ended up mirroring.

All from sudden, Y/n's orbs screamed panic.

Before I could put myself on guard, she tugged me back and stepped in front of me, taking her hand to her sword and giving me enough time to get my blade out.

In a swift movement I slayed the person that had attempted to kill me, triggering gasps and squeals from the people around us. It took me a hot second to realize that Y/n's digits were digging on my arm.

"Y/n?" Confusion was soon followed by terror when the only response I obtained was a ragged breath. "Y/n!" My voice shifted to a desperate cry when her legs gave in and we both fell on our knees.

READER'S P. O. V.

"T-tell me you got them." I felt his hands frantically wander over my torso to find the wound; it was impossible for him to see it without moving me, since I felt my body basically collapsing against his. "I-If I die— Fíli..." I love you, I wanted to say. My fingers gripped the collar of his shirt for dear life until I had no strength to do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My abdomen hurt madly when I recovered my conscience, but it was good, I was alive.

I however struggled to find the will to take a peek at my surroundings. My eyes briefly opened and I saw Fíli sat besides me, holding my hand in both of his, his lips pressed against my knuckles whilst muttering some unintelligible words.

Before I could call his name, my eyelids began to feel too heavy to keep them parted, and before I knew it, I was asleep again.

When I woke up again, I was told I had remained in Dale, at Bard's home; I was informed that the foe had been slayed, and the threat's case solved.

The only thing I wished to do was talk to Fíli, but the prince was nowhere to be found.

After approximately a week of rest in the humans' metropoli, I was taken to Erebor.

Once there I looked for the blond-haired dwarf again, but the only thing I could find was the dress Fíli had bought for me, resting neatly folded on top of my bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been endeavouring to stay distracted or busy at all times in order to stop my mind from musing on the older prince.

To either our luck or our dismay, we found each other in one of the vast halls of the mountain, walking in opposite directions.

His eyes were first of surprise, then of panic, and lastly, of pain.

I could almost feel his desperate need to turn around and run back to where he had come from, but he probably realized that wouldn't spare him from this.

"You can walk." He awkwardly observed. "Are you recovered?"

"Not entirely," I decided to keep up with the small chat since I couldn't find the words to express what I wanted. "I can't reincorporate to the guard yet."

He nodded. "I figured." His eyes flickered to mines for a second before fixing on the ground. "I should go—"

"Why are you avoiding me?" My question was loud and clear; before he could come up with something, I spoke again. "What happened was not your fault, Fíli." He shook his head no. "I understand that you feel guilty, but you have no reason to do so. My duty was to protect you and I did."

"I..." With a deep breath, he found the strength to reply. "I cannot tell you how sorry I am." He finally looked at me, and I soon picked up on his welled eyes. "had I only listened to you..." I nervously shifted my weight from one foot to another. "I tried visiting you but I just— I couldn't look at you without—" his voice cracked, making me feel a pang on my chest.

Surprising us both, I strode across the hall and enclosed him in my arms, which he eagerly accepted. "Please do not avoid me." I whispered on his ear. "I can't stand it."

There was a moment of silence before he gathered the courage to ask what he had wanted to ask since I first opened my eyes.

"Did you mean it?" My confusion was visible when he pulled apart to look at my eyes, trying to hold himself together. "That... That you love me. Did you mean it?" My face burned as if I was mad red, but it was quite the opposite. "You look livid." He was quick to guide me to a stone bench near us.

"No, I'm-" he sat me down and kneeled in front of me "I'm fine." My head was spinning. I had actually said that out loud. "Fíli, listen," I took a deep breath. "I thought I was going to die I-"

"I am asking you" it dawned on me that his hands were grasping mine as if I would slip away if he didn't do so, "if you meant it. Did you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I love you." His statement was so clear, so overwhelming, that my eyes started to water. "And you're wrong, I acknowledge the importance of my duties; despite my words I know what I owe to this kingdom, but my mother taught me that my heart comes first." I tried blinking the tears away, "That means that my love for you comes first. So when I tell you— Y/n look at me—" he propped himself slightly to meet my gaze again. "That being the heir is not an obstacle for us, believe me, for it is not."

He awaited for my answer wearing his heart his sleeve, but I felt like I would break down to tears if I attempted to articulate one single word, so instead of giving him a reply, I leaned down and kiss him passionately.

He tugged me down with him and embraced me, returning the kiss with the same enthusiasm I had put on it.

"Had I known this is all it took to gain your favour," he teased with a grin, pulling away just enough for us to breath.

"You wouldn't have been hiding from me like a coward?" I finished with my forehead resting against his.

"Probably." He confirmed, leaning on to resume the kiss he had stopped.

[parcai]

CELIE FROM TUESDAYS AT THE CASTLE YEAH !!! man i love her so much she <333 i actually reread tuesdays recently and ive had like. not brainworms exactly but dude i !! all the characters and the castle have so much personality, like in a way i feel like u dont see too often? like, it's like george picked a primary character trait for everyone and built them up around that and it works so well!!! honestly lulath of grath was always my favorite because his name was fun to say and he was (1/?)

he was always so funny ? like, hes all floaty and such and he makes me smile oikredfk but yeah man the stakes are so well done and its another like super believable expression of childhood- celie's fear is always so real, but so are here silly pranks to get back at the council. and its (like willow falls, this is why i associate them ireujkd) one of my favorite portrayals of magic? like. this castle is a person. cope. is one of my favorite things ever its so funny but also like (2/?)

it's genuinely another of my favorite characters? and it has permanently affected the way I view settings/locations in fiction, like to this day i see them as (if not their own person) a representation of the people who live there and i !!!!! man. sorry for clogging your ask box i just have so many feelings abt the castle glower books and i can actually articulate them (which i wish i could do w willow falls ikhrfewd) (3/3)

DON'T BE SORRY i'm smiling SO hard rn 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕

ahhh omg i never even put it together but yeah it DOES make sense that i loved both willow falls + tuesdays at the castle: it's the realistic, personable, lovable characters!!! the castle's personality was AMAZING. i remember little more than lulath's name for him 🥲 so i'll have to take ur word on his personality and coolness (i DO remember his rooms expanding bc of his kindness tho and his dogs also) BUT THE CASTLE + CELIE?? i'm RIGHT there w u!! i think it's bc the book just kept getting more and more insane that it was just straight up endearing and celie of course plays practical jokes on enemies bc the idea of waging war in response to intruders is such an adult way of thinking, and so it's so humorous yet realistic and the deep pov and just MM 😤 jessica day george did GOOD with that one

and yeah the idea of a castle having a personality like that, at the time of the book's release, was BRAND new. simply the freshest thing on the market, taking if walls could talk and making it reality, like the whole thing was so creative and done w such genuineness and people's homes ARE fragments of their personalities and the cultivation of their growing up and just 🥺 i remember being like eight or something and going on bike rides (90% sure there was a bike thing in either tuesdays at the castle or wednesdays at the tower) and thinking abt how cool it'd be if my house changed like hers and thinking of all the cool things it'd create just 😭 the nostalgia

i Will be rereading tuesdays at the castle soon <3

[softer-ua]

in regards to what you pointed out a few posts ago, ngl one of my least favorite fandom things is when they make Kaminari the Har Har Stupid Joking ADHD Bi Playboy Who Is Never Serious Trope. like, he's very smart, 'worst in ___ area of a UA course' is very impressive and I don't remember if it even said that or just that he was studying with some other students, worried about his grades overall, calls himself stupid with implied insecurities about it, and didn't think he was very smart compared to the other people in the course. quirk overuse makes him loopy, incoherent, and think everything's funny. and yeah, he's a bit of a flirt and made a few perverted comments and actions that he clearly didn't think through that well. I'm pretty sure he's not ever stated to be bi in the manga because it was written by a coward, so I think people should think more about why they're associating and pairing together the idea of "hot flirty playboy who if legally able would sleep with everyone he meets" with emphasis or joke in the captions of whatever the content is on him being bi. I don't think this is inherently bad, even put together, but the execution feels kind of :/ and shallow. and I mainly just wish they'd pause to consider if there's any reason (subconscious or intentional) why one of those makes them think about the other, and at the very least lean back to see if they're blatantly making those traits centric around each other and tweak how they're showing them a little. Part of this is also because it's basically his fanon sexuality, but then they stick together "oh he's bi and everyone thinks that" and "he's made flirty or perverted comments and actions in canon at some point" and then mentally exaggerate and have this Canon Image of him as *waves hand at above* and I don't think that's happening consciously in most cases but. again. Cookiecutter Bi Party Playboy Who's Made a Date Offer to Everyone In The Building. not a flirty Person or a Playboy who is bi and flirts with more than one genders

I myself headcanon him as adhd and while the exact sexuality depends on my mood I think of/have him as bi in a lot of my content, but it's the same thing with why non adhd people see how he acts and label "adhd!" Especially about comprehension speed and derpy acting and intelligence and attention span jokes/tropes. Again, not bad in and of itself, but the specific parts of his behavior that make them think he's adhd, or that they start making jokes about or Ha Ha ADHD'ing, or that they think is why we project ADHD on him, (which they aren't necessarily wrong about, but like right in a really disrespectful look at how funny this is oh look squirrel way that's only funny when adhd people are doing it and it isn't all mocking like that) when they see other people calling him adhd, are the wrong ones, I think, and it shows in their characterization of him.

I'm not saying that any of those traits are bad in a character, but as a queer adhd girl with very high annual test scores and Gifted Kid Intelligence but extremely poor grades, focus, and brain damage (admittedly nothing like his, it was a longterm passive thing that mainly just made me have a Lot of Really Bad headaches, and closest thing it did to me was make me sluggish and emotional on bad days and also techincally have the potential kill my language bit if left untreated or the surgery messed up, which it didn't, and it won't be a problem again. but even after explaining that it wasn't cancer or any sort of tumor, and after seeing it do very little at all to affect my behavior outside of irritability and performance, because y'know, constant migraines, gone after the surgery but this was before that, Certain People I Was Vaguely Kind Of Acquaintances With started to treat my like I was a fragile glass thing going to to drop dead and revive myself speaking like a comic relief cartoon crazy person at any moment which was. patronizing.) I've since had surgery for, the way the fandom combines them into stereotypes and portrays them really just rubs me the wrong way- "Flirty Bi(tm) Playboy" "Har Har ADHD Can't Focus Or Get Things After They're Explained To Him, He's Still Confused And An Idiot" "Stupid Person With Brain Damage Who Can't Take Care Of Or Think For Themself And Acts Stupid And Funny For People To Laugh At" which tbh is super ableist even and especially when people irl do fit that description, and also reminds me of the Autistic Person Freaking Out And Being Dramatic sense of humor. And I know it's not helped by canon, because it done for comic relief and to limit his powers, but explored more I think it as a limitation could have been used way more interestingly than canon did and also call me biased but that quirk induced brain frying sounds at least as concerning as Izuku's quirk's backlash.

And it's a shame!! Because he's so much more interesting than that! Instead, the fandom gives me the Cookicutter Funny Bi ADHD Flirt Who's An Idiot and I am sad about it.

tbh it reminds me of what happened to percy jackson, esp with the ADHD Idiot Trope thing. which sucks because apparently it originated in the author making up stories around characters like his adhd and dyslexic kid inspired by Greek myths to tell him after running out of actual myths because it was his special interest and he wanted more. and then the series got kind of all over the place and the fandom processed that the adhd and dyslexic main character who does dumb things sometimes but is very combat smart and great at strategizing and leading gets bad grades and has trouble focusing and has, y'know, adhd, and made him the ADHD Idiot and erased his Gifted Kid girl friend's traits and ADHD and dyslexia into No Nonsense Calls Him an Idiot And Thinks He's Stupid And Has To Tell Him What To Do And Manage His Life For Him and honestly that just kind of sucks and it reminds me of what happened to fandom Kaminari. and now that I think of it people have jirou like that around him a lot too.

im fine with you answering this publicly if you want or have something to add but probably tag as ableism and maybe a biphobia mention content warning for people who don't have the energy to deal with thinking about those kinds of negative things rn because I kind of Went Off About It

I love this! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences 💚(and double thank you for tag suggestions)💚

I couldn’t agree more that a lot of fandom has messed up Kami’s character, which is why I’ve kinda been posting more about him cause he’s just stuck in my head.

I think a lot of fandoms have trouble with characters like this, people have a hard time with duality in characters and fast/fun posts are easier to make if you flatten a character down.

The did it to Kami, they did it to Percy, they did it to Ron Weasley, they do it to Thor, the list goes on. If being the Smart One ™️ isn’t your thing and you can be goofy than you get pigeonholed into the idiot trope.

I feel for Kami a lot(probably because I have adhd/brain damage too)

It sucks when you’re smart but it’s not the traditional, measurable kind of smart(even if by national comparison Kami technically is).

I got terrible grades growing up, and I pretty much got the absolute lowest gpa you can get and still graduate. But absolutely no one would have known if I didn’t tell them, because I’m not dumb.

(It’s okay if you are “dumb”, I love me a head empty just vibes friend. You’re 100% valid, stil worthy of joining discussions, and should be listened to and taken seriously. This just isn’t about that tho)

I joke sometimes that I’m clever and witty but not smart, because that’s exactly what it feels like.

I have lots of thoughts and ideas that I think I articulate pretty well, I am excellent at finding the humor in things and expressing it in a way that’s funny to others too, and there is almost zero problems I can’t find a work around. And the people in my life love it, and they love to use it.

But eventually everyone in my life finds out that I’m not smart. They see the way I have to pause to Google how to calculate a tip, that I don’t know the name of all 50 states or even where to find them on a map, or I legitimately just can not spell (if you ever see a post where it looks like I used a weird word choice it’s probably because I tried 4 times and autocorrect+Google couldn’t help me and voice to text wasn’t an option)

No one ever questions my intelligence until they find out about my adhd and/or catch me struggling with it. After the mask comes off it’s like they can’t even hear me anymore, nothing I say could be true or matter because I’m now just the goofy accident prone spacy girl. My family literally calls me Spacy

And ya know what sometimes I just let people think that because it’s easier, it’s easier than explaining that I’m dyslexic and that I didn’t have a single geography/history clas until 10th grade and shocker the capital of Iowa doesn’t come up much by then. And it’s easier for me to laugh off losing my keys again than dwell on the fact that sometimes it feels like I’m losing my marbles.

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if after this post I get a lot more “fact checkers” and push back on anything else I post.(not talking about people who want to genuinely engage,y’all are always welcome, I’m talking those people who don’t wanna look it up themselves but no longer trust me to know what I’m talking about)

Kami is a sweet brilliant boy. He’s in a nationally high ranking school, he loves the weather channel, he’s careful about his quirk that could easily hurt his friends in combat, he has a very high emotional intelligence level, he wears dorky shirts with electricity puns on them, and he pays attention to his friends and remembers a lot of little things about them.

He wants to be a hero and he takes that seriously, and the series has tried time and time again to tell y’all that smiling and laughter are an important part of that. Kami excels at this part! So what if his history grades don’t rival the top of the class, the top 5 students would struggle hard to do what Kami does.

Iida can’t relax, Momos rather shy, Todo struggles with social cues, Midoriya is canonically not funny, and jfc where to even begin with Katsuki. I’m certain they’ll all grow up to be excellent heros in their own right, but none of them are going to bring the level of joy and camaraderie that Denki can. You can’t test that into someone.

Kami also just notices people differently and has any easy way of joining in with them, he doesn’t struggle approaching Katsuki or Shinso. Sure he doesn’t hit the the nail on the head the same way Deku does but he’s the only one who has the guts and skills to try. Also he’s not that kinda friend, he’s not looking to a save these guys but pal around with them

I think Kami 100% realizes what a special case and tough nut to crack Bakugo is, I don’t think he’s just careless or too dumb realize his life’s at stake or whatever.

I think he’s purposely testing Bakugos boundaries all while trying to not be a threat to Katsukis actual ego and calling Bakugo out when he needs it in a way that not to serious. Kami knows how to be just goofy enough that he’s approachable. He’s also keyed in that the way to Bakugo is through Deku, meanwhile everyone else is stuck believing the opposite.

Kami also realized how important music is to Jiro and saw an opportunity to let her display her skills and combin the two worlds she lives, and he wasn’t afraid to get some back lash from her for it.

Like Deku Kami isn’t afraid to be uncomfortable. You really can’t teach that level of social ease, you can teach the posture and feed people a couple of lines but it’ll never hit the same. Funny approachable people have spent a lifetime learning the craft, usually out of necessity.

It’s actually what gives me the biggest adhd vibes from him, because adhd is (speculated to be) a dopamine deficiency disorder. People with adhd are constantly trying to raise their dopamine levels, and that means looking for praise and reward and nothing makes the human brain light up faster than postative human connections.

Adhd children struggle a lot with connecting with peers and often find making people laugh a fast way into people’s circles and makes it more likely people will overlook being interrupted or spaced out on.

Also adhd people are pretty much forced by their own brain structures to be genuine in all they do, low dopamine levels make it very hard to do things you don’t enjoy because there no promise of dopamine from the activity and you don’t have enough to spare, plus impulsiveness makes it really hard to not show when you do or don’t enjoy something.

I agree that Kami is also painted as overly perverted at times, he’s a little flirty but in a fun casual way but it’s not the foundation of his personality and it’s really mellowed out over the course of the series.

And while I subscribe to the bi hc from his interactions with Jiro and Shinso, we should all be very mindful that we don’t lump these characteristics together. The are separate facets of his personality that are not dependent on each other in anyway.

Kami deserves all the respect and love, I can’t wait to see our electric king again 🖤⚡️🖤

[joannalannister]

Ok I'm sorry I'm asking a lot of questions. Do you think Jaime has a stronger feminine side/is more in touch with his feminine side then most guys in westeros due to his hella close relationship with cersei? And if so, how does it manifest itself in his thoughts/feelings/actions/beliefs? Also, do you think Jaime thinks about women in general differently then other men due to his relationship with cersei? (Btw I've also sent a similar q to queenaly to see what she has to say - is that ok?)

I thought about this for a few days, and I guess I’m not sure what it means for Jaime to be “in touch with his feminine side”? What is a feminine side, exactly?

For example, when Jaime and Cersei switched places as children, Jaime might have picked up a few skills that are considered more “traditionally feminine” like sewing – but Tyrion knows how to sew as well, and he specifically says he enjoys needlework, so could we also say that Tyrion is also more in touch with his feminine side? And Jaime occasionally dressed in Cersei’s clothes as a child, but Samwell was also dressed in women’s clothing as a child, so does that make him more “in touch with his feminine side”? 

So I guess I don’t think it has to do with activities or clothing. But I don’t know if the conventional definition of being “in touch with his feminine side” has to do with those things?

I’m literally gonna go google “in touch with his feminine side meaning” because I don’t know how else to approach this? 

OK top result on google: “6 Ways To Get In Touch With Your Feminine Side.”  This is how it starts:

Everyone has feminine and masculine qualities that define who they are. Your masculine side gets expressed when you’re working toward a goal, making progress, getting things done, and pushing forward. 

Ok, wow, y’all should see my face rn reading this is sexist bullshit. I didn’t know that getting shit done was considered masculine.

Google Result #2: “In Touch With His Feminine Side -TV Tropes”

A character who is In Touch With His Feminine Side, also known as a Tomgirl or Janegirl, is a male who lacks certain stereotypically male traits and may adopt some stereotypically girlish traits. Such characters are sometimes referred to as being “sensitive.”

Ok, this is slightly more useful. TV Tropes goes on to list a number of traits, so let’s see if those apply to Jaime:

Lack of athleticism - nope, not Jaime.

Lack of aggression - ohhhh boy, definitely not Jaime

An Open, Emotional Personality - No? Jaime’s rather emotionally guarded? It took him ~16 years to open up about killing Aerys.

Typically (traditionally) feminine interests - No. Jaime likes “swords and dogs and horses”. He “thirsts for battle” 

Effeminate or Non-Masculine Appearance - No. “This is what a king should look like.” 

“To qualify a character must have a large percentage of these traits and/or have their effeminate-ness be remarked on in-universe“ - No.

Imma say no, not in touch with his feminine side by this definition. 

But I think this feminine side/masculine side thing is kinda BS to begin with 

(women aren’t athletic? Catelyn Stark wasn’t ready to murder people with her bare hands on behalf of her family? Women have a monopoly on emotions now? See, this is BS) 

so let’s try a slightly different question:

Compared to the average male, does Jaime have a better understanding of the female experience in Westeros, given his incestuous relationship with his twin sister?

I think not. 

(Honestly, text format can never accommodate my sweeping hand gestures while answering questions.)

Take it away, Cersei:

“Yet even so, when Jaime was given his first sword, there was none for me. ‘What do I get?’ I remember asking. We were so much alike, I could never understand why they treated us so differently. Jaime learned to fight with sword and lance and mace, while I was taught to smile and sing and please. He was heir to Casterly Rock, while I was to be sold to some stranger like a horse, to be ridden whenever my new owner liked, beaten whenever he liked, and cast aside in time for a younger filly. Jaime’s lot was to be glory and power, while mine was birth and moonblood.“

“But you were queen of all the Seven Kingdoms,” Sansa said.

“When it comes to swords, a queen is only a woman after all.”

Westeros systemically denies women their humanity. Even a queen is worth so much less to Westeros. 

I don’t think Jaime could ever understand what it was like for Cersei to have her body commodified and sexualized since childhood, to be wedded off without any say at all, to be raped as often as Robert liked, whenever he liked, without any recourse at all. 

I don’t think Cersei ever shared or expressed these things to Jaime, either. For example, I don’t think Cersei ever told Jaime how Robert would hurt her: “Never on the face before. Jaime would have killed him, even if it meant his own life.” If Robert had hit Cersei in an obvious place that wasn’t covered up by clothes, one that Jaime could see, Jaime would have flown into a murderous rage. So Cersei has to hide that shit.

(I guess this is an unpopular opinion, but I think Cersei is very guarded, even around Jaime? Like, I don’t think she confides everything to him. She never told him about the valonqar, she didn’t tell him about Robert’s abuse, she didn’t want to tell Jaime about Rhaegar as a child when she was drawing that picture. And same goes for Jaime - Jaime didn’t tell Cersei about the wildfire / killing Aerys. Even in his own POV, Jaime leaves so much unsaid to Cersei / says it only to us. How close are Jaime and Cersei, really?)

(God, I sound like an anti! Sorry! But my love for Cersei and Jaime derives from the tragedy of their relationship. Their misconceptions. The ways they hurt each other. The intensity of their love and hate. Their mutually-assured destruction. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold….) 

Also. There’s this passage in AFFC, and it has one of my favorite lines:

“I took her on Raymun Darry’s bed after stepping over Robert. If His Grace had woken I would have killed him there and then. He would not have been the first king to die upon my sword … but you know that story, don’t you?” He slashed at a tree branch, shearing it in half. “As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, ‘I want.’ I thought that she meant me, but it was the Stark girl that she wanted, maimed or dead.” The things I do for love. “It was only by chance that Stark’s own men found the girl before me. If I had come on her first …”

“As I was fucking her, Cersei cried, ’I want.’

Jaime thinks he understands, he thinks Cersei wanted something as simple as one dead child. 

I don’t think he understands at all. 

Cersei’s wants are so deep, so vast, that she doesn’t even have the words to articulate them. “I want _______.” 

Cersei wants everything, she wants it all, everything that’s been denied to her. 

And Jaime’s had all these things. They all came so easily to him that he valued them very little. 

“You were Robert’s queen. And yet you won’t be mine.”

I really don’t think Jaime understands at all.

(If anyone understands what it’s like to be Cersei, and what a precarious position she’s in, I think that’s Tyrion. Cersei was denied, because she is a woman. Tyrion is denied because he is not able bodied. Like, there’s this quote of Tyrion’s in AGOT: 

“Tyrion wondered what it would be like to have a twin, and decided that he would rather not know. Bad enough to face himself in a looking glass every day. Another him was a thought too dreadful to contemplate.”

That’s one reason why Cersei and Tyrion hate each other. They’re twins, in a way. It’s hard enough for each to face himself/herself. Cersei and Tyrion facing each other … “too dreadful to contemplate.”)

So how does Jaime’s complete lack of understanding of the female experience manifest itself?

In really gross ways tbh:

Sansa Stark, that ought to put a smile on Tyrion’s face. He remembered how happy his brother had been with his little crofter’s daughter … for a fortnight.

When Jaime hears that Tyrion has married Sansa, he thinks nothing about how Sansa was a hostage, married off into the family who murdered her father. He thinks nothing about a little girl, not yet 13 years old, being forced into a relationship where she must always be available for sexual intercourse with a member of the family who murdered her father. 

Literally all Jaime’s think of is, “Way to go, bro!”

Sure, in very obvious cases of rape, Jaime is against it. For example, he wants to protect Rhaella from her husband, because he could hear her crying out. Jaime’s not 100% awful. 

But it didn’t really bother him that Sansa could have been raped on her wedding night. 

And now he wants to smash Cersei’s teeth in, because she’s slept with other people. He’s mad at her, because she hasn’t been faithful, without understanding that Cersei never had the luxury of being faithful to Jaime. 

Jaime’s misogynistic. He’s not as bad as someone like Randyll Tarly, but that’s setting the bar pretty damn low. 

So I’m sorry, I don’t think this was the answer you wanted. 

You said you also sent this question to @goodqueenaly? She writes much better things than I do, so maybe she can give you a better answer?

[yenrps]

[So, here’s the deal. I still maintain my stance on despising the ever perfunctory descriptor ‘dark’, which, in essence, is really just an excuse for ignorant people to write funky shit under the guise of knowing anything about psychology (spoiler alert: they don’t). So I’m going to work assiduously on not perpetuating harmful implications along with the stigma imposed on people with psychotic disorders in particular, nor will I be using pop culture’s fairly outdated terms of ‘psychopath’ or suchlike. When I describe my amoral characters as monstrous, it’s really just an attempt to define something even the social sciences struggle to explicate on a deeper level. The truth is, however, that the vast majority of people think of morality in black and white - so what I’m trying to pinpoint is their moral make-up utilizing concepts a broader audience will understand. Beyond this, though, I’ve grown tired of lawful goods running around and that’s it. Heroes can be just as villainous; it’s a mask of heroism, if you ask me. But you know what happens when Lawful goods hang out? 

Right. Nothing. 

Call me ignorant or whatever else you fancy but I refuse to limit my presentation of reality to what’s nice and dandy and good. I’m certain we have all been spiteful assholes in our lives before; and this is what I want to write about. The ugly, the bad, the grey. I’m not a firm stickler about soc///cial justice, though my beliefs are nonetheless liberal. I believe in a person’s right to be whatever or whoever they desire to be  and don’t believe for one single second it’s anyone’s right to attack somebody else’s identity. Having said that, I will not apologize for abandoning what’s considered ‘proper’ on this site. Feel free to come with your holier than thou pitchforks, but I’m not going to budge on this.]