#as I deserve honestly but I'm still wishing for a message in a bottle

[emile-hides]

My mind is plagued by them so badly if anyone wants to do me the biggest solid and send me asks about them I know no one goes here anymore but this is for me to say my many thoughts at a void I just need a single prompt

[mythoughtsxxblog]

19 years ago today (September 23 2003) One Tree Hill premiered on the WB.

To celebrate I thought I'd post yet another opinion thread about my favorite show of all time.

Nathan Scott is quite possibly the best teen drama boy/man to ever exist. He had his flaws, but was ultimately the best husband, father, brother, and son anyone could ask for. Despite having a rough childhood, he managed to overcome and stop the toxic cycle of neglect/abuse. He made his children's lives something he had wished for himself. It takes a strong person to do that. Forever will love this man.

Lucas Scott aggravates me to no end.

3x20 is TV excellence. That no look shot is iconic and nothing will ever top that moment in TV.

Nobody does music like OTH. All those performances? Amazing.

Nathan and Haley >>>>> every other couple on the show. Idc what anyone says they were the #1 ship to come out of OTH. They went through hard times, but came out stronger in the end. I don't think there's any other TV couple with this much of a hold on me. And I've watched a lot of TV shows lol. They make me feel so comfy and warm inside. They're safe and overall written so damn well.

Going with what I said above, James and Joy's chemistry is what made Naley work tbh. They had such insane chemistry and it's mind boggling that they never even had a chemistry read when auditioning. OTH writers struck gold with them.

Dan is one of the best villains in TV show history.

Grandpa Dan....an angel lmao

It legit infuriates me that CMM was looked at as the heartthrob of the show when James Lafferty was right there. That man was and is still gorgeous. And if I'm being honest, his acting felt more natural to me than CMM. But that's a conversation for another day lol

We should've got more Skills than Mouth

Brooke's best seasons were the adult seasons tbh. Yes, she had iconic moments in the high school years, but her actual development doesn't really hit until the adult years imo

I'm convinced they only did the Nathan/Brooke sextape because they wanted the audience to sympathize with Peyton. Also Nathan and Brooke are quite possibly the most liked characters, the writers probably thought why not try destroying their development 🙄🙄

I loved Jamie 🤷🏻‍♀️ it seems like so many people find him annoying but I loved him lol I can understand why he might be annoying to some, but I really enjoyed him and thought he was a great addition to the show. He had great chemistry with all the core characters

6x03 is the saddest episode in TV history and if you don't cry watching it, you're not human

Nathan's NBA story arc is amazing storytelling. I loved every minute of it and believe it's one of, if not, the best story arc to come out of the show

Peyton was so much more likeable when she wasn't with Lucas. I honestly enjoyed her and Lucas being friends way more than when they got together

I didn't mind Lucas and Lindsay

Season 9 was so chaotic, but I loved it

I loved how Julian went from this hot mysterious producer to an absolute dork that loved chasing butterflies. Best development lol

This cast deserved an award for 3x16. The acting was on point. The storyline was on point. One of the most well done sch*ol sh*oting episodes I've seen a TV show pull off. It's a shame they barely got any credit for it

Never got the appeal to Karen/Keith. I honestly shipped Deb/Keith more lol

Nathan's depression storyline deserved better. The writers dropped the ball on a lot of mental health storylines, but this one in particular upsets me. First it was the race car incident in season 2. He should've gone to therapy. Then it was season 5 and his back injury. It felt as though he was being told get over it and "man up" when that sends a pretty toxic message. The scene with Peyton and him in the hospital pissed me off. As if seeing a child with cancer is supposed to make him feel better. I get what they were trying to get across, but it could've been done differently. Also Haley throwing dishes/bottles???? Why? Great acting moment from Joy, but unnecessary for Haley's character. I also applaud James for his acting throughout this storyline. Just wish it was written better.

Continuing with the above statement, Haley's depression storyline was done much better. It was a bit rushed, but it wasn't as frustrating to watch.

I always preferred Brooke and Haley's friendship to Brooke and Peyton's

Brooke and Nathan's friendship deserved more screen time. That scene when Nathan goes to check on her before Quentin's funeral will forever break me

Nathan getting harassed in the shower doesn't get talked about enough. Absolutely foul.

Although I loved Brooke getting her happy ending, I kinda wish they settled with her adopting instead of miraculously being able to have kids. Her adopting would've been more relatable.

Rachel deserved better

Quinn deserved better writing. I feel like she was treated more like eye candy than anything. Justice for Shantel VanSanten

FUCK M*RK S*HWAHN

I have many more opinions, but this is already long enough lol. Anyways, this show will always and forever have a place in my heart.

[sincerely-shai]

Tangi

I want to wait for you 'til you get home hoping that we can still talk before I sleep.

It's a long, tiring day for me. As I stepped into our home, I immediately checked my phone, hoping that you're active. You're away but you left me with those messages.

You thought of me while I was outside and you have no idea how I appreciate that gesture. I miss you more, tangi.

Every hour that passes by and even if we're together for 24 hours, know that I can't get enough of you.

(Yay!! Online ka na, kachat na kita at the moment)

I'm taking this moment to thank you for our quick date yesterday. Car parked and drive thru type of date.

Nothing fancy, it's just the two of us and your iced coffee and my triple cheese ensaymada + bottled water.

There's nothing much that we talked about. In fact, we had more quiet moments. Sitting at the backseat of your car, doing what we don't want other people to see. Skin to skin, your body's so close to me. Your smell, your touch, the way your eyes move everytime you look at me, your hug, your kiss. That short pause, silent moment when I took a nap on your lap.

Everything that we do, either we talk or be in silence, is just simply comforting. There's never a dull moment with you.

Tangi, thank you for existing in my life. Honestly, I'm fine by myself and I have spent years of my life alone until people came and left eventually. We cannot predict the future ahead of us, though. I'm living in this moment.

I met you when I found and learned how to love myself. And yes, I'm feeling good about myself even more when you came. I'm okay with being alone but hey, it's nice having you around. Having someone who checks on me when I'm aloof and not being lively. You can immediately sense when something doesn't feel right and you'd ask me if I'm okay.

I've always had low self-esteem but you boosted mine without you even knowing. The way you see me from your perspective that I don't see within myself makes me wonder, why do you see me that way?

Everytime I look in the mirror, I keep telling myself I'm ugly and there you are like another mirror telling me otherwise. Like a mirror who keeps those negative thoughts away. How I wish I met you sooner. I want to show you all of the things that you deserve. And how I wish that you could see how much I would have loved you if we're together.

Before I end this post, I want to dedicate this excerpt from H.E.R's Every Kind of Way to you:

🖤

[autistic-fuckwad]

can you talk about the messages that you sent to the admins on ARR? i don't know what was said but whatever you said seemed to really upset them :( i completely understand if you may have lashed out, i can't imagine how much stress being talked about so much must have made you feel. but i keep seeing people say you used to send them death threats and other upsetting messages.... :(

When it comes to the mods, I sent a very, very fucked up suicide note to them pretty much, to put it bluntly. It was talking about how ashamed I was about the things their site had shared, and how I was pushed to suicide because of it, and how I had lost everything thanks to them. At this point I had been sobbing the entire night and was hysterical, and I genuinely wasn't in my right mind. I asked them if they were happy it came to this, that I was pushed to this point. I'm ashamed of every single word in those emails. It was the words of a man who was moments away from genuinely downing a bottle of pills because of internet drama. I'm not proud of it in the slightest and frankly I'm still having nightmares over it all. It eats me alive at night.

This all is over a game I had quit because a week prior someone said they were going to stalk me because they assumed I was a bigot ( because all people who are rude must be bigots in their mind ) and must be sending people death threats ( which by the way, I haven't ever done. The worst I have said in that line was wanting to set scalpers on fire, and in my personal opinion I don't think that's on par with sending personal threats to a single person ). The one time I was accused of sending a death threat to someone personally, I did apologize to them directly in their DMS, even though I didn't do it. You can go ask them yourself, I genuinely felt bad they were getting sent stuff like that over something so... To put it blunt, stupid. They were getting death threats over being anti exalt, like, seriously? Stupid.

I ended up talking to my therapist the next day after those emails and he refused to admit me to a psych ward because it would mentally break me, and he was right honestly. I was genuinely suicidal, it wasn't some stupid bait like people claim. I've been battling with these sorts of thoughts for years, and I've got the self harm scars to prove it. You can ask people who used to know me when I was much, much younger. I am not proud of the fact that I am so volatile when it comes to being suicidal, it's something I have been working on for years at this point.

I still regret what I said to that mod, and I wish I could apologize to them but I was told to not contact them again out of respect for their boundaries. I don't like what they do, or what they support, but they are still a person and I respect them on that level. They didn't deserve to have to see something like that: no one does. Not even mods on an anon hate forum for a dragon game.

TLDR; The emails was a suicide note asking if the mods were happy that I was going to off myself. I don't feel comfortable sharing the emails myself as they are extremely dark and honestly triggering to even me now. I still regret what I said, even now it's making my stomach turn. I wish I had the chance to apologize to the admin I sent them to. I don't even play the game anymore and I still want to fix it.

I don't think what I've said here matters, though. They are convinced I'm a serial liar and that I have no regret, even though I've apologized personally. It's gotten to the point that the sheer mention of anon re rising or flight rising sends me into a genuine panic attack, and right now I feel like I'm going to vomit from the sheer anxiety and guilt of it all.

Sorry for the long post, anon, and I thank you very much for wanting to ask about it. It's more grace than others have given me, and yes, I'm actively seeking help with my therapist and what friends I have left.

If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask, but I don't respond to hate mail here unless the fee is paid. I just can't risk my already fragile mental health over it.

[jungw8ns]

kiss me with your eyes closed.

PAIRING: bsf!heeseung x gn!reader. WC: 662 words. GENRE: angst, unrequited love, one-sided love.   WARNINGS: profanity, very much not proofread im sorry :(

heeseung was never one for cliché love stories however, when it came to y/n l/n oh his sweet y/n– your name which according to him sounded as sweet as glaze would gladly be the male lead if you wanted him to, he was down bad.

actually scratch that, he wasn't a big fan of heart wretching love stories. he thinks they're just so unfair and cruel to the unrequited, always being left in the dark and in pain. another reason why he hated sad genres was for, he himself knew he was the second lead to his based on true events novel.

you know, the one who gets rejected by the main character, yeah poor guy.

you see there was a tinie-tiny little flaw in his plot, you were his bestfriend's lover. he knew very well that it was wrong to develop heart-eye-syndrome for you but he couldn't help it.

you were his dream person.

maybe it was because the weather was great that day or.. he had dreamt of you the night before, nonetheless, he was feeling a little courageous today and decided to play secret admirer, placing the bottle of banana milk on your locker with a little sticky note attached showing 'i wish you' d kiss me with your eyes closed'.

he looked around the empty hallway before scurrying towards his classroom, proud grin slowly turning into a frown upon seeing you and yeonjun act so grossly inlove. 'i wish that was me.'

every step feels heavier than the last as he tries to walk to his seat unnoticed to which obviously does not work as yeonjun calls his name with a smile on his face.

gosh why did he have to like them.

stupid feelings, stupid love, stupid heeseung.

he was so conflicted with everything and was so out of it but he had to get a grip otherwise yeonjun would ask about it then his secret wouldn't be a secret anymore, his bestfriend would find out, you would find out.

'wear your mask heeseung, just 'till class ends.'

he snaps out of it, placing his bag on the side of his desk before greeting yeonjun with a handshake.

he'll surivive today, right?

lunch, finally.

he's the last one to stand up as he walks beside yeonjun trying his best to reply to everything he's saying, his mind drifting off to the drink he had put in your locker that morning.

shit.

"guys i heard from the lunchlady that today's meal had pizza, we should hurry over there if we want to get more than one" he said, trying to sound as convincing as possible, silently praising himself for that smooth save and for accidentally eavesdroping on the lunch staff's conversation when he was out buying the banana milk that was still inside your locker.

wow the universe must really love him.

as the three of them arrive they were lucky enough to fall in line early before chaos pressed play.

'ok?? what now heeseung? THINK'

"fuck, i'm really sorry guys but i think i left my phone back in the room, could you um get a tray for me please i'll try and get back before they serve, thanks!" and out the cafeteria doors he went, a relieved look on his face as he touched his chest feeling the outline of his mint colored phone inside the inner pocket of his blazer.

honestly, he could care less about the banana milk what he was worrying about was his note, that damn note.

why did he even write that, who possessed him to write that, gosh.

standing infront of your locker he wasted no time taking out what he had initially wanted you to recieve, crumpling the paper to toss in the garbage bin as he went back to where his friends were, scoffing upon remembering the content within the now crushed note.

hah really? kiss me with your eyes closed? you wish.

yeah.. he really did wish.

NOTE: yayyay another update! a new record also, i finished this in less than 24 hours. hopefully i can keep this up so that i can post loads of stuff although this isn't proofread i hope you guys liked this <333 lastly, please include enha's fast recovery and safety in your prayers and keep sending them positive messages on weverse, they honestly deserve the world.

[hwauas]

🎭: "it was a s.o.s"

song mingi | 송민기 - 2,262 words

the weather was clear. it was a kind of day you enjoyed a lot. you would feel extremely productive during a bright and sunny day. and today wasn't different. as soon as you woke up and went to the window to have a look outside, you felt like you were motivated to go out.

and after your daily morning routine, consisting in eating, your daily skin care, and checking on your emails, you got ready to go out. since it was sunny, you decided to wear something with bright colours, and something you would be comfortable enough to walk in.

     you decided it was the perfect weather to go and walk alongside the sea. places like this were really revitalising for you. it was a perfect moment to be with yourself, alone, to take a break, and to think a little.

     riding your bike up there, you smiled as you felt the sun warming up your back. it was a sweet sensation you couldn't get tried of.

and the sea quickly showed up in front of you. you could hear the sound of the waves. this sound, added to the sun on your back, was making you even more happy to be here.

     you parked your bike, and locked it up to find it again when you would decided to go back home. and as soon as you were on the beach, you removed your shoes to enjoy the sensation. you put them into a little bag you carried with you, and started to walk along the water. the waves sometimes reached your bare feet. feeling the cold water on your skin, the sand sliding in between your toes till the next wave.

it was a perfect moment you were living, enjoying the view.

     but suddenly, as you were walking, something hit your ankle. and as you looked down, you saw a bottle made of glass. a cork was on the top of it, holding back the water to go inside the bottle. and in it, there were papers.

you looked around, not sure about what to do. but you quickly decided to take it before the wave go back and an another wave bring it anywhere else.

     should you read the papers? should you throw the bottle away when you go back home? should you give it to someone? but who? should you, ultimately, put it back in the water?

you were extremely curious about this bottle. you couldn't just throw it away, ignore it and act like if nothing happened. and what if it was your fate to find it, and to open it?

     you keep walking longer, the bottle in your hand, not sure about what to do. you were curious, but had you the right to open it?

deep down, a little voice was whispering to you to open this bottle.

while walking, you were looking down at the bottle in your hands. you could see few elements in it. there was a picture of someone inside this bottle. a guy. and he looked incredibly charismatic.

was he the one who sent this bottle? was he someone absolutely not related to this bottle? or did the sender mentionned him in the letter and put a picture of him too?

and in the bottle, you also could see a jewelry. because of the green colour of the glass, you couldn't see well, but it looked very refined.

     it was enough to increase your curiosity. you stopped walking and went back from the water to sit in the sand. you waste no more time and opened the bottle. you took the letter first, and rolled it out. you could see a beautiful handwriting.

the letter looked extremely long, but you didn't mind at all.

     « well, i guess i have to start the letter now i stained the paper with the ink...

i'm Song Mingi, and today is April, 11th.

i still don't know why i'm doing this. maybe no one will find it. but when Yunho hyung suggested me to do this, i thought it would be funny.

Yunho is my best friend. Jeong Yunho. and i don't know what would have happened without him. i never told him this but.. he saved me.

the truth is that i'm sick. and it's not something new to me. doctors always told me i was on the waiting list, but the donnation i'm waiting for never came yet. but i honestly don't think i will ever have the transplant.

i wanted to give up when i was diagnosed with this disease. but Yunho never let me doing so. he was here, he always have been here. he took me out, he went over, he called me multiple times a day to know if i was good, he always picked up the phone when i was calling him because i felt physically or mentally bad. this is why i'm saying he saved me.

i could live longer than the doctors thought i would. and i then got the chance to live beautiful moments with him. but i honestly think i don't have much time left. doctors think now i'm having about a month left, and i feel like i'm getting weaker day after day. maybe, this time, they're right? and this time, Yunho can't do anything.

i'm honestly devastated just thinking about him having to live a loss like this. he is so devoted as a friend, he is so caring. he can light up everyone's life just with his smile and his puppy eyes. he is reliable and he is loyal.

someone like him shouldn't live something like this. he shouldn't have to face the loss of a friend. but, i can't do anything about that.

he is the one who suggested me to do this letter. because i didn't have time enough to mark the world with my words, my works and my personality.

i always dreamt of being an idol. idols are inspiring people by their works, their words. i wanted to be this idol who will mark the world with my songs. i know, it's very complicated. and even once an idol got to debut, it's still very hard. but i was ready to this. i had something to say, and for as long as the public would have listened to me, i would have said what i had to say.

but since i couldn't, Yunho told me to try and mark someone's life with this bottle. he wanted me to put positiveness in this, to light up someone's life or day. but i don't know how to do that. how am i supposed to put positiveness in a letter when i'm facing the death? when i'm suffering?

i know, maybe you didn't really want to read something written by someone who rants.

give me an another try.

when this bottle will arrive to you, i don't know where i will be. maybe still alive. maybe watching you, from above, reading this. i don't really know. i don't even know if someone will read this.

is there someone? are you still reading?

if yes, i'm not super dexterous with words but i'll try for you: you're beautiful. your hairstyle is amazing. and you're doing great. whether in your personal and professional life. you're doing so great, i'm proud of you. i hope you're chasing your dreams. and if you already did realise your dream, then make an another dream and chase it. don't stop. even if it's tough, even if you're tired of working to achieve this dream and you're not done yet, just keep it up. you're on the right way. and it's never too late to start. do it for me.

i wish you will cross someone's path, someone that will make you happy. either in love or in friendship. someone like Yunho. devoted, caring, loyal, someone you can always lean on. someone that will light up your life.

i also accept to lend you my Yunho, if you don't find someone like that. but you gotta deserve it! i gave you his full name, now you gotta look after him by yourself. but please... if you do meet him, take care of him. he is also very sensitive. i'm not afraid to say he means the world to me. so if you ever hurt him... i'll be very disappointed in you.

he needs a lot of affection. so please, since he is very out-going, don't be afraid to go out with him. and don't be afraid of being clingy with him. he will love it, and he will give it back to you very well by making you happy, and loved. i'm sure you will go along very well, together.

i wish i was still here to meet you too. and i bet we could have been a very nice little squad of three friends.

i can imagine Yunho, you and i, going around the city, laughing, talking about everything, whether it's serious or it's just us being idiots, in our world. we would have go through everything all together. and we would have supported each other no matter what.

but i'll still be by your side. living in his heart, in his mind, in his gaze. and maybe in your mind too.

don't you both dare forget about me! but don't think too much about me neither. enjoy your life. don't waste too much time over a dead person, ok?

you'll find in this bottle a picture of me. and since i'm kind and in the mood to help you... a picture of Yunho. but i also put a bracelet.

it's up to you to wear it. or sell it. or throw it. or just leave it somewhere in your house to keep in mind this bottle, this message, and maybe me, without wearing it everytime.

this bracelet is my favourite. Yunho gifted it to me. i first wanted to keep it, and bring it with me. you know... in my grave. but the design is so beautiful, so refined, i can't give him back a gift he gave me. so i'm choosing you. i know you will take care of it. i believe in you already. i know you'll take the right decision.

honestly, i'm starting to run out of idea. i don't know what to say anymore. and you're probably not reading anymore. but maybe i'm wrong?

if i'm wrong, i wish you the best. to whoever you are, i'll protect you from above, i promise.

take care of yourself. be the better version of yourself.

and let's be friends in an another life.

sincerely,

your friend,

Song Mingi. »

     as your eyes were reading all his words, you spotted few tear stains here and there. and they weren't made of your tears. even though you cried too, you wiped away each one of your tears with the back of your hand. his letter was very touching, and it looks that even for him, it was touching.

you put the pages back in the bottle after you took out the pictures and the bracelet. you put it around your wrist, promising yourself you won't never remove it. you looked at both pictures. Mingi wrote his name on his, and Yunho's name on his picture. they both were charismatic, and stunning. you couldn't believe they were living such a fatality...

     you looked up to the sea, the pictures in your hands. this letter touched you. and you were ready to fight for your dreams. you had to do it for Mingi. you didn't know him — and you were sad about it — but for him, for his dream he hadn't realised, you had to do it. it was your new goal.

     “i won't disappoint you Mingi. i'll show you you did right when you sent this bottle. and i'll show you you can believe in me. i hope you're not suffering...”

your eyes were fixed on the line between the sea and the sky, far, so far away. and at this moment, a breeze stroked your face softly. was it a sign from Mingi? anyways, you knew deep inside you he heard you.

“i heard you, Mingi. i heard your message. i will take care of Yunho for you. untill we meet each other in an another life. maybe i can't save you... but i can save him. and i will do whatever it takes to make him happy. wait for us, Mingi.”

you looked down to his picture of him, and it felt like your heart broke into million pieces. you slowly stroked the picture, on his cheek.

“you did great, too. i'm proud of you.”

     you put everything back into the bottle, besides the bracelet of course, and put the cork back. you put the bottle in your back, and took out your phone. you had to look after this Yunho now. and as you were walking back to your bike, you were searching for him on internet, and on various social networks.

the question to know what you would say to him didn't even cross your mind when you find his profile, and clicked on the button to start a conversation. it was obvious to you:

« i found Mingi's bottle this morning. i'm Kim y/n. » and with this text, you sent him a picture of your wrist with the bracelet.

his response, which was quick, got your tears falling again:

« he passed away this morning. i guess he waited for you to read the message to know he could go peacefully. »

[notveryglittery]

"you know I'm not like that" + royality 👀

so i might have tried the “write in comic sans” trick and now i’m on a roll. let’s answer some prompts from over a year ago >:3 

soft angst prompt: “you know i’m not like that” / ship: romantic royalitywords: 1,300 / warnings: negative thoughts, crying, alcohol mention

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Patton was tired. It had been a very long day. His alarm had never gone off which meant he was going to be late to work. He just barely missed the soonest bus and while waiting for the next, it started raining despite the forecast calling for clear skies. Of course, this was the one stop on the route without any cover from inclement weather and he hadn’t brought his umbrella. By the time he was on his way to his shift, he was cold and shivering and miserable. He was reprimanded for his tardiness as soon as he arrived, despite it never having been an issue before. Normally, a day at the supermarket’s bakery department didn’t really take it out of him. Today, one of the ovens was broken, they were backed up on custom orders, and no amount of being surrounded by warm kitchen appliances was helping to dry out his socks. 

Should he have just called out the moment he woke up and realized what had happened? Maybe. Would he ever be capable of calling out for any reason whatsoever? Probably not. Barring being actually physically sick, Patton was sure he’d make it to any and all shifts they scheduled him.

Clocking out had never felt so satisfying. Stopping to buy a bottle of wine and the fixings to make angel food cake felt just as good. He was feeling better which meant, of course, that things had to continue to go wrong. After triple checking every pocket of his outfit and his bag, he had to accept that the necklace he kept his apartment key on was still in his work apron, since they weren’t allowed jewelry. He scolded himself for not having the forethought to keep an extra one stashed somewhere outside the door, for having kept it on his person at work, for carrying a bag for no apparent reason if he wasn’t going to use it to keep his important belongings in. 

Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one with a spare. 

Roman responded to Patton’s message before Patton could even leave the text thread. Apparently, he’d been hoping to come over that night, anyway. Patton frowned and tried not to think too hard about the fact that he’d much rather just be alone. The company of his boyfriend had never failed to cheer him up before. Why would it be any different this time? 

Roman truly was the knight in shining armor his kids lauded him as. Patton couldn’t have disagreed with the kindergartners if he wanted to but it was a nice feeling, knowing that they saw Roman as brightly as Patton saw him. He dropped a quick kiss to the top of Patton’s head before unlocking the door and ushering him inside. 

Patton’s first stop was to put his groceries into the refrigerator. Roman followed him into the kitchen, where he began to unpack the brown paper bag he’d brought with him. 

Patton fidgeted. “Honey, not that I don’t appreciate you here, but…”

“I know,” Roman interrupted gently, smiling kindly at him. “I knew the second you messaged me. I’ll be out of your hair in no time at all. Why don’t you go take a hot shower? This’ll be ready by the time you finish.” 

Patton wondered how Roman could possibly know about the day he’d had through a handful of words over text but frankly, he was too tired to question it. He never really had fully dried out after getting caught in the rain and so after one more chaste kiss from Roman, he left his boyfriend to his devices. 

The water was scalding and it was leaving his skin a little red but at least it was working in melting the chill that had been clinging deep in Patton’s bones. He used the strawberry shampoo he liked to save for days like this. He picked the fluffiest robe he owned (a Christmas gift from Virgil, the year the temperature had reached record lows), putting it on over his pajamas, and even took a few minutes to blow dry his hair so it wasn’t still dripping wet. Staring at himself in the mirror reminded him how tired he really was. It wasn’t fair, that he’d slept in and got more sleep and yet he was this exhausted. He wished he didn’t work tomorrow. Patton shook his head and took a deep breath. He just had to get through the rest of tonight! He could do that much. 

Stepping into the kitchen, wearing the comfy slippers Thomas had bought him a few years back as an apartment-warming present because the floors were wood and Patton had always had carpet flooring and “trust me, Pat, you’ll need these” gosh what did he deserve to have such good people in his life? — 

“Surprise!” 

Patton blinked and took in the scene before him. Roman had made fettuccine alfredo, had poured a glass of wine, and had taken care of the angel food cake Patton had honestly forgot all about treating himself to. 

“Oh, darling,” Roman cooed, sweeping in towards Patton and taking his hands. How could Roman tell he wasn’t capable of full physical affection right now? How was his boyfriend so good? 

Patton sniffled and wondered when he’d started crying. “You… you made my favorite.” 

Roman looked a little sheepish. “I’ll admit, I had alfredo last night and might have just brought over the leftovers and warmed them up.” 

“The cake…” 

“I saw you putting everything away! I might not be quite as magnificent a baker, but I think I did alright.” 

“There’s only one glass?”

“I understand perfectly if you want to be alone, sweetheart. I can head out now.” 

Roman was stepping back, his hands slipping away from Patton’s, and — 

“No!” 

Roman looked understandably startled. 

“You know I’m not like that!” Patton continued, “right?!”

“Like… like what, love?” 

Patton struggled to answer. Finally, he screwed his eyes shut tight and just, “un… ungrateful. And weak. Useless and sensitive and —”

“Patton!” Roman cut in, sounding panicked. 

Oh great, now he was worrying Roman! God, why was he like this!

“Shh, shh, honey,” Roman was saying as he gathered Patton into his arms, holding him carefully. “Please, tell me what on Earth gave you the impression that I think those things of you.”

“Anxiety brain,” Patton answered, laughing bitterly, thinking about Virgil’s self-deprecating moments, and how he’d find something new to blame them on every time. 

“It’s wrong,” Roman reassured him. “And really quite rude. Dearheart, not once have I ever thought you ungrateful or weak or useless or sensitive.” He drew back, cradling Patton’s elbows in his hands, keeping their forearms touching, but putting distance between them otherwise. “You show gratitude in more ways than one, and you’re so strong to make it through days like this, and I wouldn’t know half the things I do without your help, and it’s admirable that you’re so in tune with your emotions.” 

Roman let go just long enough to take Patton’s face in his hands. Using his thumbs, he swiped at the tears leaving tracks down his cheeks. With his fingers, he massaged the skin behind Patton’s ears. It helped to soothe the headache he could feel coming on from his crying. 

“I’d like to stay with you tonight, dearest, if that’s okay.” 

Patton liked the sound of that very much. “Please. I just… I don’t…” 

Roman nodded and Patton wished he knew how he understood him so perfectly. 

“Here, why don’t you pick whatever you feel you can stomach, and I’ll go find something to watch on Disney Plus?” 

Patton hummed his agreement. Roman pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving him alone.

The evening would find them sat next to each other on the couch, while the live action Lady and the Tramp played. Roman had a pillow squished between them so that only their knees, feet, or elbows occasionally bumped into each other. Otherwise, physical contact was limited and Patton couldn’t believe how light he felt in knowing that Roman wouldn’t be mad at him for it. Falling asleep with his head on Roman’s shoulder, his last thought was that he’d got through the rest of the night. He’d done that much.

[shiro-0197]

aw shiro, my love, don't worry about it!! i only hope you're okay and safe :d please only reply when you're free, and don't feel bad about it!! >:(

my day yesterday was okay, i've just been relaxing, and studying occasionally. went out to explore a nearby town too, it's so pretty there. and much colder (since it's a highlands) of course!! Today was great too. I bought doughnuts (they're amazing?? I love doughnuts), and I had instant ramen, but it was SO spicy I nearly died. (Three bottles of water later, because someone finished all the milk in the household *cough* me *cough*) and I'm still just reeling. Sucks having such low spice tolerance HAHA. I'm listening to some old school hip-hop rn, while typing this out :D how were your two days?

here are some i'll be using to teach english :d and that would honestly be much appreciated, he's getting on my last nerve rn. (I included the first few, what do you think?)

thats such a priceless feeling i so totally agree. you're so precious 🥺🥺 i'm sure they're prouder thank you imagine. you're so dedicated!! i'm sure all that extra research you've done will definitely pay off. it's good that you know what the job is roughly like, so you'll be really prepared when you finally do start it. you know that one scene, in the 2nd season of the great pretender? when the chinese mafia boss emphasizes the importance of a translator in literally everything? (like that book award example) i may be getting the thing muddled up, but i found that so cool. like yeah, a book or speech could be absolutely beautiful, but if everyone can't enjoy it due to it being a different language, it would be such a shame. i just find translators really important. sorry, i'm really dorky haha 🥺🥺

awww but i think your personality type is wonderful. a lot of my favourite characters are intj (they're all so precious istg grrrr) yes!! i was in a tooru brainrot yesterday too 😭😭😭 (saw a bunch of couples on my walk, and I was like "if only Tooru was real grrrr") and yes?? there'd be so much to learn from each and every one of them. dedication from hinata, savage lines from tsukki, kindness from yams/yachi, how to be a dork 101 from atsumu. aaaah 😭😭i'm sorry they're all so wonderful.

No pftttt I totally feel you. I saw some people without masks today and I was like "bro wtf" and just really loudly said "I sure hope everyone starts following the rules so the cases don't increase" because I'm a lil bitch like that xD

awww okay!! I'll definitely keep that in mind. Mayo makes everything better, tbh >.< aww that's understandable! I don't have specific preferences but hearing the phrase "soggy cheese" makes me want to cry somewhere :( I don't like nuts in chocolate. I'm very passionate about that? XD ikr??

I'm surprised too, I usually never pass on murder, but I guess you're just special like that 👉👈 sir I'd get married to you as many times as you'd like 😼 oops sorry for being cheesy, but—you like cheese ;)

U

I won't ask why, don't worry. Since I kinda feel the same about Malaysia tbh. It's a love hate relationship, I think HAHA but yeah 😣😣 i don't look up to US at all, and it sucks because people generally do. And I'm just like ;-; why (no offense to Americans tho lol)

is that even legal omg they're so chaotic?? XD how cute tho. Angel does stuff like that all the time too, but I'd never know that when I first met her (she has the most perfect exterior, and then when you get to know her; she's the biggest dork) Schools opening on the 20th, I can't wait to see her then :] (I can, however, wait for the exams which are scheduled for the 25th ugh)

peanut butter is indeed yellow, not up for discussion hehe :) here's my favourite hues!! I love gentle, soft hues like these (pastels) , for yellow; I don't have a favourite. they're all wonderful

ahhh no that's so precious of you!! :)) I'm smiling rn.

yeah skdhskdjsk I'M JUST SO GRRR. Whenever someone goes "hey Ari can you ______" and we both respond?? The tension?? In the air?? Bro skdjskks. 😔🤚 You share a name with one of the most precious characters too tho!!;

This is Shiro from Voltron hehe. I love him so much, just like I love you (tho I'm sure we both know I love you more <3)

I share a name with a book character. His name is Aristotle Mendoza, but his crush-turned-boyfriend calls him "Ari" (which has been my nickname since I was 12). Reading it for the first time was the BEST feeling ever. It's also my favourite book, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe".

—Ari :D (no pfttt I love the tag so much. I have my own tag, that's like the best thing ever 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺)

Heyyy I'm so sorry for answering so late!! I know you said not to apologize but..... well hmm no excuse I just feel like apologizing, but either way thank you for your patience!!♡ This is the third time I'm rewriting this, and this time I'm doing this in my notes because fuck it😔

Im glad to hear that!! Highlands are always so pretty. Wish we had those here, but it's only steppe here:( Boring~ ooh, donuts!!! They're really good. I havent much, but I tried them like 3 times and they're so good. I really hope I will get to eat more<3 also WHAT'S THOSE NOODLES' NAME I WANNA KNOW- Are you feeling okay now, though? XD

My days were nice!!! Felt as if I had been hiding three bodies, but I've been feeling better lately. We had online school yesterday so I'm excused from the errands for the half of the day, thankfully. But your messages make me very happy. Though I dont always feel like writing a response (or I get stressed because it doenst save) so very sorry for that😔

Ohh those look so pretty!! I'd totally join to just look at them. The colors are so nice🥺 it looks like one of our olympiad prep slides, though better. I dont have the screenshots sadly😩 Either way I really love the little details like the squiggly thingies or the Ж .... they seem unnecessary but the energy changes a lot without them hehe

I really hope they will be🥺 that'd mean a lot to me. And I'm also really hopeful itll work out. I really don't wanna disappoint my family, which is literally just one person. The less people there are, the more it hurts, you know?

Yeah, that scene meant so much to me!! I dknt remember much, but I was very happy they said something like that, because I've been told being a translator wont work out for me. Now look at me, I'm about to tell them to fuck themselves<3 I was also so surprised to see Laurent know that many languages ..... I aspire to be like him😩 And honestly, I havent though so deep of that but you opened my eyes and now I'm about to float off into the next universe😭 dont apologize though, its very cute!!!♥︎♥︎

Heheh, I guess you're right.. every single anime INTJ is a silent sexy mastermind and I love them . ... YEAH every single time I see a passing couple i cry because I dont have anyone 😡💔 and sometimes when I see people doing something amusing (which includes people failing cuz I'm evil) I just imagine one of the characters doing that and I smile all the way xD Honestly, I'd sell my father on black market for a single day with one of them:( though that may sound like a really low price because his cigarette filled lungs wouldnt cost a lot... I sound like my 7th grade self again I'm so sorry

BAHQHHANEJWJD I HOPE THEY WERE EMBARRASED. I HOPE THEY FELT AWKWARD AND OTHER PEOPLE DID TOO, they deserve it. Like, learn your lesson bitch, it's been a year!

Yeah!!! I love mayo, not to the point where I would gulp it down from the package, but it does make dishes taste good. Same, soggy cheese on itself sounds like a dish served in the ninth circle of hell. You should try nuts in honey!! Like, just straight up dip them in honey. Sounds weird, and it doesnt always taste NEJFJKSKF (depends on the honey)but I think it's worth trying xD Walnuts are the best with honey I think

That was so funny ... TOO FUNNY, I LAUGHED FOR LIKE . 3MINUTES STRAIGHT and I do not laugh when I'm tired. You really are special 😭😭😭😭 cheesy ... HAHRNFJJSF

I'm so sorry for being a bully like that but it's so funny how you left a single U there . Its so mysterious, was it in purpose? Or were you lost in the excitement if messaging me?

I was one of those people, honestly 😭 but mostly because I wasnt aware of its political condition, I guess. Maybe theres more than just politics that's bad about US, but honestly, it has more opportunities than this hellfire. Though now I'm more into Norway and Japan. Really wanna travel there :(

Heheh, yeah, we never really show off to strangers at first. I dont know what exactly I mean by we, but you get my point ♡ Good luck though!! I hope it goes well for you<3

Oh they looks so pretty!! They're really wonderful. Like bubblegum and cotton candy and literally anything sweet... it's so cute !!! And I totally agree, there isnt a bad yellow.

HAHAH, honestly, that reminds me of how there were 4 people with the same name in my class, and whenever the teacher did the attendance thing, they would all stand up. Teachers usually dont say the last names, so we always gotta ask which person they mean if theres more than one person with that name, so yeah.. That happened on accident at first, but then they just did it for trolling xD

OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY? HES SO PRECIOUS?? HUHHH??? I gotta thank Kuro for this wonderful opportunity of sharing a name with someone like .... him🥺

Oh that's so cool!! Also, he has a boyfriend ... I really need to start reading xD it's so cute though! It sounds like such a good book, I'm glad you share a name with him, hehe!!

I also share my real name with one of the characters in a kids' show, and its SO ugly, I'm in pain. Every time my friends see one of those on TV they go

Which is a pain in the ass, it's so embarrassing...........

Awh, okay!! I'm glad you love it, cuz I do too. Because it's your name.... cuz I love u. That was so lame PLEASEJWJDJSJF I HOPE YOUR DAY WAS GREAT !!! LOVE YOU

[ifonlysj]

heyyyy i'm a relatively new elf and i loooove sungmin but i have a question. you said sungmin "made a mistake in the way he treated fans who were supporting and even helping out his wedding". what is that about? i only know that he got hate for marrying which is bullshit but what happened with supportive fans? thank you, love your blog

hey anon! as promised: here is my opinion about how sungmin handled the situation~ and please take it with a grain of salt and form your own judgement.

just wanted to remind everyone reading this that i still think sungmin should come back to super junior too! if there is something you wish to correct/disagree with under the cut, let me know nicely. we don’t have to fight, okay? let’s do this like civilised people :)

it’s known that leeteuk and heechul have acknowledged that fans would rather hear about dating/marriage news from the members themselves rather than through articles and rumours. this of course makes sense, idols who have “asked for their fans’ blessing” have seen a much better response from their fans than those who got “exposed” by dispatch/sasaengs/whatever. sure, this isn’t a blanket generalisation, but you kinda get it right? i wouldn’t want malicious rumours about someone i like getting involved with someone else, not because i am “possessive”, but because i think the relationship between an idol and their fans can be trusted so that you know, we can celebrate together and stuff.

there are also other rumours about the ‘controversy’ surrounding his marriage, but they were mostly cleared through an article on naver. you can find it here. it should be pretty accurate, because sungmin posted a link to it on his instagram as an instagram post. 

here’s something that i don’t know if it’s been cleared ; sungmin allegedly changed his signature by replacing the star he normally uses with ‘Mi’, which is a nickname for saeun (his wife). this part is really a little bit weird. i don’t think he should have done that, considering how the fan who requested for the autograph has a name that doesn’t resemble ‘Mi’ in any way or form. you can find the original post on pann here. look at it this way, you travelled all the way out and did x number of things and basically worked hard so you could meet someone you liked, and the person gave you gift, that was actually a secret message for someone else. that’s just... not right. again, anything regarding sungmin and the controversy has been grossly warped by people to the point where it is difficult to check if anything is right/wrong. correct me if you want. 

something else; sungmin’s apology letter was released ahead of his army discharge. he handwrote it and apologised for hurting fans by getting married before his enlistment. i think he missed the point. fans aren’t stupid. korean fans aren’t stupid. i believe the ones who are possessive and think they own him is a minority. but i think it’s understandable that these fans felt angered by how he handled it. he didn’t apologise for the signature and he didn’t apologise for ’sharing’ his fan gifts with his wife.

this is a difficult post to make and this part is the worst bit of it, because i’m going to share about why i felt uneasy about his marriage. i’m not saying i’m against it. i’m just. i don’t really know, i had really bad feeling about this when the news first came out. disclaimer: i do not pretend to speak for fans or for anyone at this point, this is just my personal opinion and maybe you disagree with it and that’s okay. this is how i felt about it in 2014-5 and it was a long time ago. with age comes wisdom LOL and honestly i don’t feel anything when i think about it now. 

i felt uneasy when the news broke out because of the timing of it. the timing was, quite frankly, quite terrible. there are some issues that made it worse that sungmin himself couldn’t control, but i don’t think it would have hurt to think it through a little more before releasing the news. 

sungmin confirmed he was getting married in between super shows. i don’t know what kind of impression that gives you, but i’ll be frank: it gives me the impression that he’s acting more individualistic and not putting his group activities as a priority in his life.

for international fans, this could seem like a shock to you. of course he should put his personal life first, he’s in love! he’s finally found someone he likes enough to get married, and we should support him because we want him to find happiness. that’s an opinion, and you’re entitled to it. but what we’re looking at is the confucian principles of community and society that are upheld by most of the korean community. this is a culture that mandates military enlistment laws for all males (with very few exceptions). so really, through their perspective, the outrage could be perhaps more understood. it is also important to know that when the news first broke, the general opinion ranged from congratulatory messages (that hoped for a better public opinion of idols getting married/falling in love), to speculations if it was a shotgun marriage and if saeun was pregnant. consider that sungmin had not enlisted in the military at this point. for korean men, entering the military is a rite of passage into “manhood”. it was already bad enough for idols themselves to still enlist, and fans were already dreading his enlistment. to suddenly spring the news of marriage on them? it made the timing of the whole thing even worse. what’s worse is that the fandom was trying to support them, but sungmin antis and even some of sungmin’s sasaeng’s gave false reports about the whole situation (see: rumous about the wedding, etc.). 

something to understand in korean netizen culture is that they literally live in a culture where paparazzi are so normalised and entertainment journalism literally puts out close to fifty new reports, news, and scandals out every day. on top of that, korea is notorious for their efficient, workaholic cultures that spares no time for research. imagine being bombarded with news about sungmin’s ‘misdeeds’ every week and every month. obviously your impression of him worsens. then he goes to enlist in the army, effectively disappearing, not making a statement until he nearly discharges, then going back to promote himself as per usual. you only have ten minutes a day, maximum, to see the news. you don’t have time to check for yourself on the internet what is happening. if you’re a fan, you go on twitter to check with the big fansites what is happening, and then you see that they are all quarrelling between themselves about writing petition letters. every single thing sungmin does gets uploaded as ‘breaking news’, paparazzi zoom in onto the other sujus’ “apologies” and “opinions” regarding their fellow member, and public opinion builds the impression that sungmin just doesn’t give a shit about his group. and remember! he’s literally getting married and having a honeymoon in between concerts, when the rest of the members are practising/rehearsing/working hard on TV to get more acknowledgement. gosh, sungmin really is throwing his group under the bus all for love... 

that’s a thought process i went through. i can hardly emphasise more about how this shit isn’t about me getting pressed and possessive about how he’s my oppa and he shouldn’t get married because i’m going to marry him one day. it’s not! it’s about me loving suju to the point where sungmin seems like he’s just going off on his own without caring about the group image. quite frankly if any of the sujus reveal tomorrow that they are dating someone, my response would be something like: “oh thank God!”, and if next year they say something like “y’all, we’re gonna get married”, then i would be like: “FINALLY!” because the sujus deserve nothing but happiness and i just want them to be happy after all the shit they’ve been through. [of course sungmin deserves happiness too. everyone does.]

i started rambling but... i just want to say that i really wish sungmin eased us more into it. the whole thing was aggravated because of how saeun handled it on TV also. sungmin enlisting right after was a good move, considering the damage already done. it would have given the whole thing to die down a bit, for fans to think things a little bit more through while sungmin basically removed himself from society for a bit. but while he was gone, saeun said some shit about how sungmin is really touchy and good with skinship, how sungmin drank 9 bottles of soju just to get the courage to ask her father for his blessing, and so on. that’s not right sis. why would you keep making headlines about your man when you should just lie low and wait for the hatred to pass... she then went on to like really controversial pictures, like the one where someone is slapping someone else. the slapper is labelled “international ELFs” while the one being slapped is labelled”K-ELFs”... that shit just ain’t cool bruv... obviously this started another internal fanwar, and i’m pretty sure a lot of ELFs have bad impressions of her. idk i feel like the sudden attention went to her head or something... why would you talk about alcohol... gosh...

anyway i don’t hate her or anything and i’m happy that she brings our boi happiness but i just don’t have a good impression of her... maybe she’s a really nice person IRL but you know, she’s a celebrity and we’ll never meet so i won’t pass judgement on her.

that’s... kinda it i guess? congrats if you made it all the way to the end. i just wanna rehash the point about sungmin returning to super junior. i think he should. he’s been away for long enough and i think that’s enough ‘punishment’, but i do think it would make it easier for the public to try and accept him again if the both of them just admit to what they did wrong in the past and apologise and then just move on. that shit is old as heck, i think. there’s what i think happened. lmk if i made a mistake or missed something, i wrote like 60% of this post thinking back to that time period and considering how, uh, i don’t live in korea, there might have been something i missed. the other 40% is stuff i searched online to double check, but you know. take everything that isn’t an article with a bucket of salt. lord knows how messed up everything is after those sungmin antis started spreading rumours and stuff. 

if you need a clarification about something said above, you can send me a (nice) ask and i’ll answer!

one last thing, i’m not saying what the sungmin antis did to sungmin (with regards to trying to kick him out of suju, threatening his wife, etc.) is justified by whatever i said above. i’m just saying it makes it a little bit more understandable. but it doesn’t make them entitled to such actions and i 100% believe that their actions are unjustified.

[serendipitybutterfly]

...a month late... A birthday year ahead reading for Kim Taehyung... Featuring a startling revelation?! ... Sir Taehyung???

Sometimes you do a reading and something arises that you didn't even ask for and never expected... But we'll get to that.

In terms of advice for this year for Tae, with the reversed ace of cups and reversed 4 of earth (pentacles) coming as significators of this reading, there's a real message of needing to unblock and release certain energies, situations, attitudes... Imagine a clod of earth blocking a water pipe and the pressure is building up behind it. Eventually something has to give, and it should be that clod of earth... Not the pipe.

Reversals for me generally indicate blockages in areas of a person's life. With an ace of cups in reverse and a four of pentacles in reverse, I'm feeling a blockage in emotional connection or at least in being able to express one's emotions with ease... Which maybe leads to compensating with shows of material wealth... Over spending... Overgenerosity... This is interesting because I think Tae seems to express his feelings and affection for his friends and family pretty well... At least from what we see... But these cards are indicating to me that he struggles a lot with this actually and that he tends to bottle things up until he explodes (like my blocked pipe analogy) or tries to express feelings through ostentatious gifts or compensates for not expressing his emotions healthily by overspending... Essentially the advice is to unblock these energies... To learn earn to release and express his emotions in a healthy way.

Going into the more specific advice cards for the year ahead, we're starting off on an extremely positive note with The Star and the reversed 3 of water (cups). I see with this that there's real potential this year for Tae to fulfill a dream or desire. Something he wants for himself. A personal goal or project that he works on alone. With the 6 of wands and King of Earth (pentacles) we can see that pursuing this will bring him a lot of praise and success as well as greater wealth and stability. This could be anything from a solo music project, to another acting job... I'm not sure exactly what it is other than it's a real wish he has and wants to do it for himself. The advice here is simple; go for it, it will be successful.

At the centre of this reading we have the reversed Sun and the 2 of water (cups). Even reversed, the Sun is still such a positive card... It's just the energy is blocked, delayed... What I'm getting from this is that there is actually a love connection manifesting for Tae in the future which will bring him a lot of happiness... But for now he's going to need to be patient because the timing isn't right. It's coming... Just not quite yet... Though not in the too distant future... Maybe even next year?... It depends on what happens between then and now of course... But i do see happiness in a relationship ... It's just the energy is blocked so it won't manifest for a bit. If he can learn to open himself up and express his emotions this will help bring any desires he has for love into fruition...

For now though he has to work on himself. With the High Priestess and Strength here I'm seeing, and feeling, a powerful development of spirituality... Honestly it was visceral. I think it's highly likely that this year Tae may begin to explore and develop his spirituality more seriously... Certainly there's some deepening and strengthening of spiritual beliefs going on here. His faith in his intuition, in the advice coming from his spiritual guides, will become stronger. As he listens to his guides and gets confirmation over and over his faith is continuously going to deepen, as is his wisdom and understanding of the world.

The last two tarot cards of advice for the year ahead are the 2 of wands and reversed 7 of water (cups). What I see here is the advice to not be afraid to consider his options and step outside the box. He has so many talents and so many opportunities to use his skills and gifts... He's being advised to look at them all... Give them all some thought... And not feel like he has to stick to one certain thing or path when he has so many roads he can walk before him.

Now, for the oracle cards, I got first Winter Solstice: Reflection. Honestly this card made me start humming Singularity, which was interesting (the lyrics make so much sense in this case) ... I feel again a sense of needing to release something. In this case, I get the message of needing to reflect on the past, on all things that have happened, good and bad, lessons learnt and how much he's grown up and matured... And release that which is holding him back from moving forward. The negative emotions and fears which keep him bottling up his feelings and being so wary of opening up to others... This is an interesting one of course because Tae is in a position where there is a legit rational argument for why he should be guarded and wary of new people... But at the same time, you can be sensible without locking your heart away entirely and living with a lot of fear and worry about your connections with others isn't healthy... There has to be balance. Basically... I think this card is telling him to reflect on himself and realise how far he's come and how much stronger and wiser he is now... He can trust himself and his intuition.

Okay... And now this is the card that gave me chills in this reading... This deck is called 'Angels and Ancestors' and I thought it was a particularly good deck to use for Tae because... Idk if I've mentioned it before but, wow, he has such strong ancestral energy surrounding him. His family probably don't play with paying respect to the ancestors because there's really such a strong link there...

Anyway, for his advice for this year I got the Knight card which says 'Be brave and honest'. However, more than just a message of advice for the year I got two distinct impressions that literally gave me chills and goosebumps... First that one of the main ancestors or spirit guides that's looking out for Tae right now was a Knight... Or the Korean equivalent thereof... A noble warrior with a sworn sacred code of morality... And second, that Tae himself, in a past life, was a Knight... (?! When I tell you i was shook!)... Not only that, but, and I kid you not, I heard French in a man's voice (I don't even speak French!!!) saying something like "Mon coeur... Lion..."?... I couldn't understand or make it all out but I recognised those words so they stuck with me. As did the impression that they were part of some kind of personal motto or vow... My heart like a lion...? Honestly I was just stunned at that point... I wasn't expecting to be told anything like this and if there is one thing here I'd like to tell Tae most it's this... This was a lot and unexpected and also... Really quite personal... So I didn't want to pry into it or ask more... I can only say, in terms of advice, I feel like knowing this and coming into that noble warrior, brave, chivalrous energy would bring him a lot of strength and comfort.

Finally... After that surprise... The angel oracle card for his year ahead was Fiona. This card says: Now that you've asked the angels for help, be open to receiving divine guidance and assistance. You deserve heaven's help!

This definitely resonates with the message of his developing spiritual beliefs and opening up to his guides and i think he's definitely already on the right path in this regard. Once he's open to listening to his guides, his angels, his ancestors... They'll lead him to wherever he needs to go and protect him from harm.

The numerology of this reading comes to 11; a number in numerology which speaks to high vibrational spirituality and receiving guidance from angels and spirit guides. Once again I'm struck by the message that this is a year of spiritual exploration for Tae.

I think this has the potential to be an amazing year of success for Tae, both materially in terms of his career and spiritually as he develops his intuitive gifts and strengthens his connection to his guides. He has the power of his ancestors behind him... And they're strong. He's in good hands truly. Bless you Sir Taehyung!!! 💜 💜💜 ♞ ⚔ 🦁 ❤️

[eyesontheskyline]

(about the whole fic writer asks, except those answered now) the story specific ones have to be about 'but if you really hold me tight' - I love all your cxg fics and it's the longest one :D) it's just I'm thinking of getting back to writing and since you're of my favorites authors out there now i'd love to get some insight. kudos for being cool about it!

Hello!  Okay first of all thank you so much, that is a ridiculously big compliment and my face hurts.  And yes yes yes you should definitely write if you feel like writing - just go for it!  If you have any specific questions or you want a pep talk or whatever, message any time :) 

Okay I’m gonna put these under a Read More because wall of text.

2) What fandoms do you write for and do you have a particular favourite if you write for more than one?Right now only Crazy Ex Girlfriend.  I wrote for Criminal Minds under a different name then had a gap of several years.  I’m pretty far removed from CM now but I can safely say writing for CXG has been a nicer experience community wise (partly a smaller fandom thing and I suspect partly a demographic thing), and there’s more established character stuff to work with because all the character development isn’t like…  Crammed in the five minutes they have to work with either side of the crime solving.

3) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.I don’t really do either, but reader inserts are kind of a squick of mine honestly, so I’m gonna say OCs.  I’ve only written OC kids though.

4) What is your favourite genre to write for?I am not entirely sure what this means…  Fic genre?  Original media genre?  I have only ever written romance or friendship stuff for TV shows, an odd balance of fluff and angst?

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?Mmm let the sun inside has a special place in my heart because it was the thing that got me back into writing after a really long gap and turned out pretty much how I wanted it to.  Writing it was just a very intense ‘I am writing again and my brain is on fire’ experience for me.

7) When is your preferred time to write?I would love to have a less dysfunctional answer to this, but probably between 1 and 4am unfortunately?  That can’t be a thing on work nights because I get up at 6.30.  If I can get myself on a roll early afternoon in a coffee shop though, that’s a better feeling.  Just… Less common than ‘the rest of the world around me is asleep and my brain just woke up’.

8) Where do you take your inspiration from?Oh everywhere.  The media I write fic about.  The stories I read.  My life, my friends.  The world.

9) In but if you really hold me tight, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?Oh god I really don’t know.  This story is really hard for me to have perspective on because of the ridiculously time pressured way I wrote and published it.  I’m probably proudest of chapter 12, where they discuss the ‘do we want a baby’ question properly, because that just…  Is an important conversation that you don’t really see in media?  I’m not sure it’s the best writing in the story, but I’m glad I didn’t chicken out of it.  I also enjoyed writing Rebecca meeting Plimpton Senior in chapter 19, because that feels like an opportunity the show missed and I will never see enough versions of it in fic honestly.  (Do you have a favourite?)

10) In but if you really hold me tight, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind?That one was pretty much always going to end where it did – just because of the format, it was always going to end in a fluffy happy place around midnight on the 1st of January 2021. The last chapter was going to be longer originally, with more characters getting a moment, but it was just getting kind of unfocused – Rebecca POV can handle tone shifts pretty well I think because of the way her brain is wired, but at some point it all just got a bit messy so I pared it back.  I think I’m pleased with how it turned out, but the chaos of writing it is still fresh enough that it’s hard to tell!

11) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?Nah, but I’ve fixed typos (thank you @what-the-elle-n!)

13) Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why?I find Valencia and Paula pretty difficult.  I love them, but I struggle.

14) How did you come up with the title - You can ask about multiple stories.(Since it says multiple and since I only have 3 currently…)  Everything I’ve published for CXG so far has had song lyric titles – mostly because I am not good at poetic turns of phrase, and I like lyricists who are.  (I’m also not a particularly romantic person, and I like lyricists who are!)

let the sun inside is from Ribcage by elbow.  The full line is ‘I wanted to explode – to pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside’, which feels to me like that feeling of having bottled everything up for so long that you just can’t feel anything anymore until you kind of break down and come out the other side?  And Rebecca = sunshine, so.  That is basically the premise of the story, so that was a stroke of luck.

the landing light is from K2 by elbow (I swear I listen to other music, they just have words that really lend themselves to fanfic titles lol).  I have a whole meta thing written to publish alongside the last chapter about why this song for this story, but basically the line is ‘Dickhead’s done a runner and he’s wondering if anyone cares – is the landing light on?’ which is just someone far from home feeling a bit stupid and homesick and wondering if there’s anybody waiting at home for him.  And of course Nathaniel comes home to a totally miserable situation and there Rebecca is.

but if you really hold me tight…  It had to be a lyric from a Christmas song, preferably one Frank Sinatra sang at some point, because that was the playlist I started listening to in mid-October while outlining this madness.  So it’s from Let It Snow, obviously, although that exact line is not in that version, ssshhhhhh (he sings ‘but if you’ll only hold me tight’).  I chose it because R&N being a team and getting through stuff together in a mostly-fluff-but-not-entirely way was kind of what I was aiming for, and it just felt like it fit.

15) If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?I kind of have an OC coming up in a story I’m writing now, and I just… Knew who named them, and tried to choose a name those people would choose.  I don’t really do OCs much in fic, but in not-fic (it’s been a while!) I try to go for a name that (1) means something, and importantly (2) I can imagine their parents having named them.

16) How did you come up with the idea for but if you really hold me tight?So a writer I used to read a lot from the Criminal Minds fandom did a Christmas fic a couple of years in a row – one short, mostly fluffy chapter for each day from the 1st-25th of December.  So that was the plan.  Except as soon as I started outlining it, I knew I couldn’t write an entire month fluffy and problem-free for these two (for anyone, but especially these two), so short and fluffy didn’t stick!

17) Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.“I’ve gotten better at a lot of things since you’ve been away, but my self-deception skills have taken a real hit.”

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?Yeah, I abandoned a few Criminal Minds fics.  I still feel bad about them actually – I get comments on them occasionally. (On the offchance anyone reading this is someone who feels nervous about commenting on old stories – these delight me in ways you cannot imagine.)  I ran out of steam in a lot of ways – I started them without any real idea where I was going and wrote myself into a corner, mostly, but also I was starting to really struggle to write unprompted.  I am not the most mentally well person, and I just got my brain into this spirally tangle where I thought nobody wanted to read anything they hadn’t asked for, so I filled a lot of prompts but couldn’t convince myself to write anything else.  It feels really weird to think about that now, which I guess is a good sign…

19) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?I toy with following the emotional arc of S4 but following let the sun inside sometimes – that was the plan, when I originally finished it and was panicking that I would never get another idea.  Also, but if you really hold me tight created a world of warm domesticity for R&N that I felt really sad leaving behind, so I would probably like to write in the timeline again.  And the landing light might get a oneshot sequel, depending on whether I end it the way I think I’m going to or the way I was originally planning to…

20) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?No, not in this fandom.  I’ve only written two endings though!  I’ve ended on some real cheeseball final lines in the past though.

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?@heartbash, who can do plot and slow-burn in a way my impatient ass will never be capable of.  @justwanted2dance who deserves a million flame emojis and writes BDSM stuff in a way that makes my anxious brain comfy enough to enjoy it (literally nobody else has achieved this).  @pictureofsoph1sticatedgrace who writes the loveliest fluff and is a badass individual.  @notbang and @anthropologicalhands and @catty-words and @akisazame and @romansuzume who write beautifully and can do those poetic turns of phrase I am not good at.  I’ve got to be forgetting someone but wowww there is so much talent and creativity in this lil room.  So many people to be inspired by.

22) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?God yes, but not in this fandom.  It’s fine, 19 or 20 year old me, you were learning.

23) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?Silence.  Or like white noise or the Hufflepuff Common Room 10 hour ASMR video on youtube or something lol.  Anything with words just ruins me – my attention span is laughable.

25) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?Ha yes actually, but I’m really not entirely sure why.  Sometimes my brain is just a really weird place to be.

26) Which part of but if you really hold me tight was the hardest to write?It depends how you measure hardest, I guess.  Several of the smut scenes just said ‘[insert sex]’ for the longest time, sometimes with descriptions?  So like ‘[insert feelingsy sex]’ or whatever lol.  In terms of getting voices right (like to the point of still being unsure whether it’s any good), this gurl group chapter.  

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?It really depends.  Usually I know roughly where I’m going and how I’m getting there and that’s good enough for me, but my NaNo fic got an outline because of the format and timescale. And I’m planning a thing with an actual plot arc (gasp!) so that’s getting an outline, in the hope of making it look vaguely romance novel shaped.  Basically it depends on the length of the thing for me, and how plotty it is.

28) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction?Writing advice: if you’re struggling to move past a particular point, the thing you need to change is probably a few lines back.  It’s rarely the last line that painted you into the corner. If you think something needs to come out, paste it into an outtakes document – you might want to put it somewhere else later, or salvage lines from it or whatever, and it’s just easier to let go if you’re not actually hitting delete.

Posting advice: remember fandom is community – everyone is here because they love the thing you love.  They’re gonna be excited there’s a new story to read, and they’re rooting for you!  (Write the thing!)

29) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?Nahh I mean, it’s a smaallll fandom.

30) In contrast to 29 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?Again, smaaalll.  (Also I try not to publicly eye roll at things other people love even if they are my things – there’s nothing quite like loving a song just for the band to be like ‘ugh I fucking hate that song’, so I always try to keep that in mind.)

31) Send me a fic recommendation and I’ll post it for my followers to see! (The asker is to send the rec not the answerer)You did not send me a rec!  Feel free to send me one now!  In fact, open call, everyone send me fic recs, even if I’ve definitely read them.

32) Are any of your characters based on real people?Mm no I don’t do OCs.

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?I mean, I enjoyed hearing that someone read my story in the corner at a party lol, especially because it was a chapter I was pretty pleased with and nervous about.  Also any time anybody says something I wrote is a headcanon or ‘this should have happened in the show’ is a glittery feeling. When somebody notices a little clue or detail that isn’t obvious, it makes me ridiculously happy.  Humans reading my thing then saying something about it is still crazy, so, yeah.

34) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?Story time: my old fandom has this one character who has a lot of pretty hardcore stans.  I mostly dislike the word stan but like…  Yeah.  So anyway, I got an email saying I had a new comment on my ficlet collection (keeping in mind I was in my ‘very unhealthy relationship with feedback’ stage at this point), and clicked on it all happy, and all it said was ‘I didn’t read this because another comment said it doesn’t contain enough *stanned character* and you really should warn people upfront that he isn’t gonna be in it, I’m glad I didn’t waste my time on it’.  Which was just…  A bizarre comment.  Like, commenting to say you didn’t read the thing is weird in itself, but also you list the characters who are in the thing, not all the ones who aren’t?? Anyway, I then went on my tumblr and I had several anon messages that were just straight up hate along the same lines and…  Yeah.  The Criminal Minds fandom was a strange place. On a related note, have I told you today that I love you, CXG people?  I love you.

35) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?I am basically always up with talking stuff through with people.

36) Can you give us a spoiler for one of your WIP’s?This is actually difficult to do right now.  There’s a baby?

37) What’s the funniest story you’ve written?I mean, I made myself laugh a couple of times in my festive fic, but I’m more of a ‘this one line is funny’ writer than a ‘this story is funny’ writer.  I’m too angsty!

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it.This question is faaar too terrifying.  I’ve actually never collabed with anyone, I’d love to though.

39) Do you prefer first, second or third person?Third.  I think because I’ve only written for TV shows, no matter how closely you’re following one character, if you’re seeing them on a screen, you’re in third person.  So it’s just an extra struggle to make that jump to another POV for me.  I have written my not-fanfic mostly in first though, and I’ve read some lovely fic in first and second.  I’m just not good at it.

40) Do people know you write fanfiction?One person.

41) What’s your favourite minor character you’ve written?Hmmmm who is minor, really?  I find AJ difficult but fun.

43) Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?I don’t write anything plotty enough for this to be a thing!

44) What is the last line you wrote?“Mm, because you know how irresistible your weird old timey voices are.”

45) What spurs you on during the writing process?I want people to read the thing, honestly.  It’s a ‘reach out my lonely haaand’ moment with a little less melodrama.  I want it to be out in the world doing what it’s meant to do.  I also want it to be finished so I can read it – I get a very particular kind of happy feeling from reading a good sentence I wrote.

46) I really loved but if you really hold me tight. If you were ever to do a sequel, what do you think might happen in it?Lol it felt really weird to type that in there when you didn’t actually say it directly, but you said all so here we are!  I’m just gonna take that compliment even though I wrote it…  When I started coming to the end of writing that story, I started to feel really sad about leaving behind the warm domestic feel of it, so if I ever feel more domestic fluff coming on, probably it’ll be set after that.  

47) Here’s a fic title - insert a made up title. What would this story be about?You did not insert a made up title!  Although insert a made up title has potential for Rebecca hounding everyone she knows to help her title a song she wrote.

48) What’s your favourite trope to write?Is ‘let’s have an actual conversation about this’ a trope because that’s my brand so far!  I haven’t written anything particularly tropey, I don’t think, although the pull of ‘omg there was only one bed’ is strong right now!

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?Yes!  It was a Criminal Minds fic, Hotch/Prentiss, canon compliant (ish) missing scenes kind of deal.  I can’t remember the first CXG fic I read, which is ridiculous because it was a lot more recent.  I started writing CXG fic before I started looking for it, because I hadn’t been inspired to write in so long that I didn’t want to scare myself away.  I read some before publishing, but I can’t remember where I started.

50) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?I can only dream of being mentally stable enough to have a consistent answer to this lol.  Angst comes more naturally to me, but writing angsty characters into happy situations is one of the ways I make sense of the world, so…  Fluff, maybe, as long as I can keep the characters screwed up, because they just…  Are.  And like, same.

[kawaiiwamine]

A♥️, 3♥️, 4♥️, 6♥️, 8♥️, 9♥️, 10♥️, Q♥️, K♥️, all of the clubs and diamonds, 2♠️, 3♠️, 5♠️, 6♠️, 7♠️, 8♠️, 9♠️, 10♠️, J♠️, Q♠️, K♠️ I'M KINDA SORRY FOR SENDING SO MANY BUT why choose if i don't really have to i'm craving that iwasweetie content,

👀 here we go

A♥️ - Who was the first person your muse ever fell in love with?

While Shuu had noticed people’s attractiveness before, the first person he ever actually crushed on was Kawara Ryuuji.

3♥️ - How would your muse react to a confession of love?

He’d be shocked, then either flatted or elated (depending on whether he reciprocates) but also a little dubious. He wouldn’t straight up call you a liar, but he would be a little bit like “Are you sure though?”

4♥️ - What are your muse’s thoughts on starting/raising a family?

Shuu likes the fantasy of Having A Family™ in the sense that it’s supposed to be a sign you have your life together. He definitely at least wants to get married. He’s not the kind of person who needs to have kids, but he’s not strictly opposed either. He’s incredibly nervous about the idea, but if you have enough confidence to make up for it and it’s important enough to you, you can probably convince him.

6♥️ - What sort of charity work has your muse done?

He has recurring donations for several charities of different kinds, enough to be a not insignificant part of his paycheck. He doesn’t live in an apartment as nice as he could technically afford and he doesn’t spend a lot on himself, so whatever is leftover after bills and savings is usually donated.

As for actual work, he’ll lend his time to just about anyone. Of course, health-related charities are closest to his heart.

8♥️ - How well does your muse perform in social situations?

Not always the best. He’s kind of an awkward ninny, and he knows it. He can actually have periods of confidence (and even... dare I say it... charisma) if he knows what he’s talking about really well. Otherwise, he’s not usually actively bad but if he starts tripping up, it will probably get worse before it gets better.

9♥️ - Has your muse ever had unrequited feelings for someone?

Oh, you betcha. Kawara Ryuuji being the most notable. Of course, Shuu never actually asked, so he assumes it was unrequited. But the sad thing is he probably wouldn’t have wanted his feelings to be returned because he wouldn’t want to be a homewrecker. Then again, that’s just what he would say now. Whether he would actually have that self-restraint in the moment is up for debate.

10♥️ - What was the last party or social event your muse went to?

A group of friends invited him with them to a party. It sounded like he was going to get laid but then everyone got fucked up on drugs and he got the hell out of dodge when they decided that throwing glassware at each other was the cool new sport.

Q♥️ - Who is someone special that your muse always thinks about?

Hitori, honestly. I know I’m HitoShuu trash but really, that guy just means so much to him.

K♥️ - Who does your muse look up to as a role model?

^^^

A♣️ - What’s your muse’s strongest talent?

He’s a smart cookie! He’s better at some subjects than others (math is his weakness, sorry Hitori) but if he puts enough effort in, he can pick things up pretty damn quick.

2♣️ - What topics of conversation does your muse enjoy the most?

If you start talking about microbiology you better be ready to be there all day because he will not stop.

3♣️ - How creative is your muse?

He doesn’t consider himself an artist at all. He’s not the kind of person “understands” art. And he doesn’t really have any artistic talent at all. But you do have to have some creativity to be an effective researcher, so don’t discredit him too much!

4♣️ - What does your muse have the most passion for?

He loves pretty much all sciences, but if I had to name just one field it would be toxicology.

5♣️ - What would your muse change about their current lifestyle?

He wants to be healthier, and he wants to try to be more in-tune with himself. Meaning that he wants to figure out what he wants because he’s not sure.

6♣️ - How do your muse’s “gut feelings” usually turn out?

He can be a little dense, so they’re not usually very helpful.

7♣️ - Has your muse ever felt “trapped”, either figuratively or literally?

The most trapped he’s ever felt was when he was in his bad depression. He was sure he’d never be able to get out of there.

Other than that, does bondage count?

8♣️ - What is your muse the most stubborn about?

That you’re a beautiful person who deserves to be happy.

9♣️ - What is your muse’s proudest accomplishment?

Well, he doesn’t like to brag, but getting hired for a job at a leading research facility at seven years old is a hell of an accomplishment.

10♣️ - When was the last time your muse took a vacation or trip?

You’re so funny.

J♣️ - Who does your muse trust the most?

Ding dong it’s Hitori again.

Q♣️ - Do other people consider your muse charming?

Some may consider his awkwardness to be endearing.

K♣️ - How important is integrity to your muse?

Extremely. Dishonesty is one thing that really bothers him.

A♦️ - What is the most important message your muse has ever received?

The one from the Hawk Party telling him they wanted to pull him out of school to work for them.

2♦️ - How important is money to your muse?

It’s nice to have, certainly, and he appreciates being able to splurge on himself once in a while. But he really just wants to be able to pay his bills.

3♦️ - How does your muse handle indecision?

He tries to think things through as logically and objectively as he can. He’ll even make a pro/con list if he has to.

4♦️ - Is your muse more of the patient or instant gratification type?

It depends. He’s usually pretty patient, unless it’s something like learning a new skill. Since he’s used to being so smart, he can get frustrated pretty quickly if he doesn’t pick something up quick enough. Intellectually he knows that he just needs to practice and that he can’t be a savant at everything he touches, but emotionally the feeling of being inept at something really upsets him.

5♦️ - How often does your muse change plans?

He prefers to put extra effort into a plan and then feel confident sticking with it than run on instinct and change shit up on the fly. But he’s not too much of a fool to know when changing plans is the right course of action.

6♦️ - Is your muse responsible with their money?

Yes, he takes it very seriously. He keeps careful track of all his bills and always sets a certain percentage into savings.

7♦️ - When was your muse the most down on their luck?

He considers his depression to be his low point obviously, but he would say that being born to real shitty parents and then almost getting blown up was a pretty unlucky way to start his life.

8♦️ - Has your muse ever received money or gifts from a mysterious benefactor?

He has found beans on his desk on Legumentine’s. A considerate gesture, or a secret admirer...? Who knows?

9♦️ - How much money does your muse spend on average?

I can’t find enough information to estimate a number for you unfortunately, but as far as luxuries go: he tends to spend little overall with small periods of splurging every so often. Not splurging as in buying a new car, but more like getting a few new shirts, or getting that cute skirt he saw in a window, or taking a trip to the bookstore.

 10♦️ - How financially successful is your muse?

Honestly? He’s not doing too bad. His apartment is small but nice, and as mentioned before he could actually probably afford an even better one if he cared to. And since he doesn’t spend a whole lot, he’s got a respectable amount in savings by now.

J♦️ - Who does your muse do the most business with?

Store-wise? Aside from the grocer, probably the bookstore.

Q♦️ - Has your muse ever been gossiped about or participated in gossip?

Shuu hates gossiping, but I’m sure he’s been the subject of it. Especially when he worked with Tohri, like are you kidding me? Every day with that nonsense. And who knows what kind of rumors the students come up with.

K♦️ - If your muse were to start their own business, what would it be?

Either a pharmacy or, considering he doesn’t bake nearly as often as he wishes he did, a cake shop.

2♠️ - How often does your muse wish to be left alone?

He is an introvert, so he’ll get tired and stressed if he goes too long without privacy. He’d like to get a good few hours to himself every day if possible. It still counts if he’s working.

3♠️ - Does your muse ever let anyone see them cry?

Shuu hates to cry in front of people, and even if it’s someone he trusts he’ll still feel bad about it. But he’s a sensitive baby, so...

5♠️ - Has your muse ever had to change their lifestyle in a major way?

The biggest change was when he lost his job at the Hawks. Once he was ready to start looking for a new job, he decided that it needed to be something he wouldn’t obsess over. He knew he needed to start having a life outside of work. That’s been one hell of a process.

6♠️ - Does your muse believe in fate/destiny?

He doesn’t really care either way. He’s just trying to get through the day.

7♠️ - What’s a hard truth that your muse has to learn/has learned?

Don’t assume that there’s alway going to be a “later”. Life hits you hard and fast.

8♠️ - What does your muse work the hardest for?

Figuring out how to be happy is his biggest challenge right now. Not that he’s always in the piss bucket and never has a day of levity in his life, but he’s still in the process of getting himself together, mentally.

9♠️ - Has your muse ever felt forced to change?

His parents instilled a lot of things in him. He might say it didn’t have an effect on him, but those are some of the most formative years of your life. His mother in particular definitely said and did a lot of things that shoved him into a mold (that he never would have fit in) of what he was supposed to be.

10♠️ - How does your muse cope with grief?

He doesn’t, not really. He bottles it up and hides it away when he’s around anyone else, and then has a breakdown when he’s alone. But he won’t want to be alone - chances are he’ll throw himself into work.

J♠️ - Who would your muse most likely end up in jail with?

He’d probably end up hanging out with the wrong crowd, feel pressured to stand by and get caught up as an accomplice.

Q♠️ - Does your muse manipulate others easily or are they easily manipulated?

If you know enough about him to know his buttons, it’s almost scary how pliable he is.

K♠️ - What is one thing your muse considers a grave injustice?

That more people don’t realize how biology is.

[disabilityhealth]

Part1- Hi so I have pots and for the last year and a half it's been really bad but I feel really bad when I complain or am in pain cause I only have pots (that I know of) plus mental health problems I honestly don't want more health problems I just feel that I'm overreacting when in pain cause there is a lot of people with more chronic illnesses and I feel like everyone with pots as other chronic illnesses (I know I sound crazy sorry) also I am very grateful that I only have pots

Part 2- I know I’m probably sounding ungrateful or like I want attention but I really don’t I just want this off my chest sorry really I am I try not to complain but I need to tell someone sorry anyway when people say I seem so much better or my heart rate and blood pressure are what normal for me I freak out cause even with that I’m still so incredibly fatigued Iv not been diagnosed with chronic fatigue and I don’t claim to have it either but it’s annoying cause everyone excepts me to be able

Part 3- sorry this is so long I just have a lot on my mind sorry you’re the one receiving it ok now I continue from where I was on part 2…. to do normal things like clean and other stuff but it’s really hard for me to do because it takes all my strength to do them and most days walking down the stair wipes me out for the whole day and all my doctors to exercise and sit up and go more place but it’s so hard and I don’t want to disappoint everyone even more than I already have but I feel like

Part 4- again sorry… I just honestly don’t know what to do anymore I’m just a blob that sits on a couch watching friends and consumed but their own mind I can’t see a future I failed school I feel so alone and feel like my doctors don’t hear me when I tell them about my pain or how fatigued I am and it’s not like they know what it’s like. I’m sorry for complaining and rambling I just feel useless and I don’t know what to do anymore I’m so sorry for bothering you and wasting your time sorry bye

I’m so glad you messaged me, please do not be sorry. 

The first thing I want to say is that your journey back to happiness is going to be a process, but you can absolutely do it.

It seems overwhelming now because it sounds like you’re trying to find a way to fix all of these things at once, but taking things one small step at a time is so much more doable, in my experience. Don’t expect to get back out there in a week, and don’t be too hard on yourself when progress takes time. You’re actually making progress by just reaching out to me and I’m really proud of you for doing that.

The next thing I want to say is that you are not alone in this struggle. I’m still going through stuff myself, like I really relate to how you feel like you’re a blob sitting around. Some days I can’t leave the house, and it can feel SO isolating. But you are not alone. I would recommend sending out messages to fellow potsies for some support, and mental illness blogs specific to what you’re going through? The online community has been so good to me, and I bet there’s someone out there willing to vent back and forth with you.

A therapist would also be helpful so you have someone to talk to. Like you don’t have to bottle all of this up on your own. You might be able to find one online? If any of my followers have more info on that I’d love to give anon some more specific suggestions. 

Now, moving on to pots and how it’s affecting you. I wanna say that there’s no such thing as “just” having pots or mental illness. Like pots on its own is a big thing to deal with, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It’s okay to complain about your pain and fatigue. Even if someone has it worse than you do, you’re allowed to feel the way you feel. No matter what.

I’m not sure if this sounds like something that could help you, but have you thought about using a wheelchair? It might help with your pots and your fatigue (and pots is absolutely a valid reason to use one). Or maybe there’s another mobility device that could help? You could use it on bad days - or for everyday use to get you back out there.

Now for ideas on keeping busy when stuck at home. I have found solace in hobbies, specifically painting and drawing. Drawing is pretty cheap to get into and it can be cathartic when you just let your pencil do its thing. The same can be said for journaling. Don’t even worry about grammar just let your words fly, it can be freeing.

There are lots of other creative arts that might help you feel like you’re producing something. Embroidery, clothing making, knitting, calligraphy, playing music (can be done digitally), vlogging, beading, pottery, clay sculpting. 

These could give you something physical to represent your work and that helps SO much.

On to doctors and such, I would suggest being very honest with them. Tell them your pain levels, your fatigue, and don’t sugar coat it. Then tell them if you feel like they’re not taking you seriously. Not aggressively or anything, just honestly. And if they still discount your pain or don’t help you the way you think they should, see someone else. Demand they treat you right because you deserve it! 

Feel free to message me again. I promise you’re not inconveniencing me or anything. I might not always get to messages because I get a lot but I do read them all so even if it’s just to vent, I am here.

Take pride in working on you because that’s an accomplishment right there. Give yourself a break when things get hard. Take little steps. Enjoy Friends when you want to and without guilt. Complain when you’re struggling and love yourself for the steps you are taking. You deserve it. 

I will be thinking about you and wishing you the best.

[heartofheir]

Psst. You know why I'm here. Do eeeeet. :3c

fcuk

1,2 3 and 10 are done! :D

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?not really lmao

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?knitting and listening to the off topic podcast

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?my dogs and @themysteriousballetanon 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?lie down on the floor, cry and than kick their ass8: Are you close with your dad?kinda, we are both have the same kind of humour and personality which is p cool 

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?ye i smooch my doggos when i got bk from work last night

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?coffee, its got some water in it so ill be fine

12: Do you like hickeys?ye

13: What time do you go to bed?5:30am oops

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?ya

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?nah im quicker with both hands ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

16: Do you always answer your texts?yea unless i forget or fall asleep 

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?Y U P

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?yesterday; we all went to the beach it was top notch

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?my dogs and my siblings even though they are all little shits

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?probs something about being tired af

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?i hope not….

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?i guess?

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?nope

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?i think so

25: In the past week, have you cried?yea

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?maroon

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?yea a variation of it that i cant say cause i dont wanna give my last name out to the interwebs lmao

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?possibly 

29: Do you have a best friend?yea kinda

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?nope

31: Who was your last call/text message from?my manager telling me what time i start work tomorrow 

32: Are you mad at anyone?i dont get mad i just get tired™

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yea

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?21

35: How many more days until your birthday?im not doing math go away

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?nope just working alot r.i.p me

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?ye! :D

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?yup one of them doesnt even know im gay lmao

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?ye

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?kinda?

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?if theres a giant age gap than yea it does

42: Are you available?nope! :D

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?no idea my dude

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?so many!! i wanna get an industrial, another helix ring, maybe my tongue, nipples lol, belly button and my second lot of normal ear piercings plus alot more ear ones

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?it can be awkward af but yea

46: Do you regret anything?lots of things lmao

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?im running out of mango ice tea :(

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?yea 

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?yes and no?

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?she already said yes! (miraculously) 

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?yep

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?he was an ass to me last time we spoke so no

53: What was the last thing you ate?i got one of the chefs at work to make me gnocchi it was delicious 

54: Did you get any compliments today?nope but one of my new coworkers last night said i was really good at my job!! :O

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?no where so far, but one of my friends wants to go to rottnest at some point though

56: Do you own anything from other countries?ye! my auntie went to france and brought me bk a really pretty kitty mask not a furry lol

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?i guess its even but more so guys

58: Where have you lived most of your life?i use to travel around when i was younger but now ive been in the same spot for 10 years I NEED TO L E A V E

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?i wasnt the one driving but it was when i was a babby and we drove from my hometown to perth took us 5 hours

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?nope

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?nah but our house was tomatoed once

62: Who do you text the most?it changes all the time

63: What was the last movie you saw?moana! i loved it!!

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? i dont actually know

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?none

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?nope

67: Do you curse around your parents?not on purpose it just slips out

68: Are you happy with where you live?nope

69: Picture of yourself?

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?im a jealous hoe so just monogamous

71: Have you ever been dumped?no

72: What do you most like about making out?i dont think a guy being like a mcfucking vacumn cleaner counts as making out so i wouldnt know

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?yes but again i dont think it counts as making out

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?i just go ‘fuck it' and do it (but only if i know they cool with it)

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?hands and backs, also necks

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?a friend i use to go to school with

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?nah

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?nope

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?pickup lines im a sucker for them

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?ye! i loves kids

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?yea

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?nope 

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?fuck no

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?MCFUCKING YR 9 there was this guy who liked me since yr 7 and me and him were both in dance class at school and OF COURSE the dance teacher put us together for the slow dance performance i left dance and moved to drama cause it just got way too uncomfortable 

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?ye! im dating a furry from the internet

86: How can I win your heart?you already have ;0

87: What is your astrological sign?cancer! karkat

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?the same thing i was doing at 11pm

89: Do you cook?ye but i tend to set things on fire

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?ye

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?i dont have to wish :D

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?id prefer a monogamous relationship

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?not a clue my dude

94: Name four things that you wish you had!more garlic bread from work (we make the BEST gb), mango ice tea, unlimited wifi and a phone that can actually work

95: Are you a player?of games, yes; of people, no

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?nope

97: Are you a tease?ive been told i am but i dont mean to lmao

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?i saw @miss--kiwi yesterday at work and than she was mean 2 me even after i gave her gb :

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?what even is love

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?id date the FUCK outta @themysteriousballetanon 

101: Hugs or Kisses?both! oxox

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?normally yes but sometimes ill have a rare moment of bravery lmao

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?height

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?may or may not be a kink for me LMAO

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?fuck no

106: Do you flirt a lot?i have no idea how so sometimes ppl think im flirting when im being friendly, or think im being friendly when im flirting

107: Your last kiss?sometime in September in the back of a car with a VACUUM APPARENTLY 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?nope

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?only my doggos cause they deserve all the kisses

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?my girlfriend even though im not into kissing furries :3c

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?my dogs and hopefully teanii

112: Does someone like you currently?i would hope my gf does 

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?ye!! :D

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?flings really arent that great

115: Ever made out with just a friend?ye

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?i thrive off affection so id prefer a relationship

117. you didnt give me a question to answer and ur asleep rn so imma use this spot to say ur a gotdamn cutie

[chasingeast]

I'm too rough

We met a few months back due to a series of coincidences. We spoke to each other a long time ago on a dating website, had plans to meet up, but never did. I don't really remember what we spoke about though. Forgive me. It's been a while and a lot of things have happened but I do remember writing to you about leaving. We became reintroduced due to a mutual friend's baby shower. And I admit that at first I was skeptical. Maybe we didn't meet for a reason, aside from that I met my ex that I dated at the time. But we talked. I spontaneously wanted to meet up with you because hey, what's the harm? So we met up at a Barnes and Noble and I was so nervous. Could you tell? I kept trying to avoid eye contact. Thank God that we were walking around constantly which distracted me. As our night ended we parted ways with the vague idea of keeping in contact. I got into a number of accidents and mishaps and after two weeks. You showed up again. It was easy. Fun. It was so nice. You were away down in Louisiana but had the promise of a return. And as each day crept on. I became fond of you. The things you'd say. The way you would ask and schedule phone calls. It made me smile. And made me really happy. And I thought to myself. Wow. I really like him. And what can I do to keep this going. We had a pretty mutual back and forth. I couldn't wait for you to come home. I had been so nervous to ask you to come and stay with me at my house. I really wanted to spend as much time with you as possible because plans changed. You got this amazing job down south and that promise of a return became shorter. But even still. I couldn't wait. Couldn't stop thinking of you. This Rush of feeling that I thought had left me, impossible to return was here. I was so giddy in excitement. Looking back I think I was borderline obsessive ...yikes! So finally we met again after 2 months. You're adorable. I love the stories you told me. Our silly talks and walks at Mitsuwa. I hold these memories very close to my heart. More important at this time I felt wanted. You gave me your full attention. I couldn't even doubt you if I wanted to. You came back to my house with me and showed me your boardgame that you worked on years ago. That's awesome! I wish we could have played it. And now I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to even see you again much a less play it. But regardless it was fun! Getting to know you. When I jumped on the counter to be the same height as you, I felt so empowered. I loved looking straight into your eyes and smiling at you. And then you pulled me in closer for a peck on the lip and out of surprise and nervousness I pulled back. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I was just nervous. And so you stayed and we had some very sweet moments and long talks. That weekend felt so nice. You were there. And I didn't have to worry about when I'd hear from you next. And so I took you to the farm by me we took pictures and were just there in the moment. I felt so nervous because I really just wanted to hold your hand. So I kept brushing up beside you purposely, nervously until I just grabbed it and looked at you waiting to see your reaction. You held on. And it made me smile and we walked back home. I got to see you again a few days later and we made dinner together. I was so happy that you wanted to prepare dinner together with me. Honestly, it doesn't take much to make me happy. Our silliness of tricking our mutual friend. More intimate nights. And the next day, you walked me to work. I held your hand and you brought me there. And I started to feel all sorts of feelings for you. Honestly it just exploded from happiness since then. When I couldn't see you I'd message you. We started to video call. We'd talk often. You became busier and I really just wanted to spend time with you so I became a little sad. I kept thinking to myself, well maybe he'll say something today, but you didn't promise me anything which I guess was a safe choice so that you couldn't disappoint. But it started to get a little Rocky. There were days I wanted to give you space as to not seem clingy but those days made me sad. Wondering if I should reach out, would I hear from you, will I see you again before you leave? And I did, but you were late and all I remember if my fueled anger. You were caught up due to something else and forgot about the time and out of spite I changed your plan and created new ones for us that day. But you still stayed a little longer than I thought you would. And I gave you a jar of wishes for your soon to be travel back south. I watched you drop it outside and I know it's not funny but I was laughing watching you pick them up. I wonder what you did with it. Did you bring it with you or leave it home? And then it was your birthday. I think I was too eager too soon. I drew you a picture of your cartoons fused with my style of drawing. I wanted to spend it with you. A day and with a person that I couldn't call mine. And I saw you again. But I wanted more though I felt that it wouldn't change at that moment. I wanted to sit close to you. I wanted you to hold me like you did when we first met up again. But you just sat there as I inched closer or pulled away. This continued in our conversations. We were drifting. And you went back south. Our daily conversations turned to every other, ever 3 days. I cried often because I didn't know what to do. I wanted more but I knew I had to be patient. You needed the time and space because you were busy with your exams, adjusting to your new life. I told you one day how I felt because I didn't want to bottle it up anymore. And you disappeared for 3 days. When I finally heard from you again you made no mention of what I poured out of my heart. And it cut me like a knife. And I cried more and more. Wounded. And then came the time that I wanted to visit you and I asked you to tell me by Wednesday. Wednesday came and gone and there was no mention. I met up with my friend for dinner the following day and when she poked and told me all the words I didn't want to hear I cried. I cried so pitifully so in a nice restaurant full of happy people. I cried so bitterly as she said no words of comfort only bitterness. And so I poked at you to ask if you remembered. And I broke down and cried to you through a video chat. I wanted to know that you wanted me to be there. That it mattered enough to remember. To say something. Anything. The only thing I remember from that conversation is how you said ' I'm sorry you're upset. Maybe we should just stop.' when really I wish you would have said ' I'm sorry I made you upset. Help me help you.' and so I backed off. Bitterly and blindly booked my ticket to a new Destination that I'll be flying to today. But I don't really want to go. I just wanted to visit you. I'm sad. Our conversations dwindled. They were lackluster and far and few in between. And comes the day that all the tests are over. You made me a birthday present. I was happy with it because it was a drawing and you thought of my favorite anime CCS. I think I prefer your cartoons but the picture was sweet. And now we have today. You've already passed your test. Finally this day has come. But it's over. Everything is over. I was upset with you because I wanted to be there for you. I wanted you to let me in your world. To let me be a part of it to nurture and comfort and support you when you felt down. But whether you knew it or not.. you didn't let me in. You never got back to me again about spending time with me yesterday. So I blew up at you. I raged spiteful and harmful words. I thought all this time that I was being direct. But now that I finally see what you said, I've been cruel. I've been mean. I lacked that connection that I placed blame on you for. And so I said all of my fears. And I haven't heard from you. My biggest fear. And I finally took a day to think about it. Talk it over and I sent you an apology. And as each time I watch that green light flicker on. I notice that our conversation never lights. And I cry anxiously and painfully because I've been too much. Expectations are good to have. It provides you with a solid foundation. But I was unknowingly asking you to be perfect. To be the one that I've been searching for and more. And you're not and I forced it on you. And now I realize that. I thought all this time that maybe all the pieces were falling together. That maybe you're that unknown reason to why I obsessively collect stationary. That I chose your favorite fruit as a design. That all these steps we're just falling in to place. But I was wrong. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I wish even now I just want to be angry with you. I just want you to know how much you've been hurting me all this time because it's undeniable. When I don't hear from you, when you tell me that you think and care about it, but I don't see it. I don't see your care not feel your earnestness. I give you all the answers and keys but I never see it come true. Nothing happens. And it all probably could have been solved if I just stopped being stubborn and reached out to you. I just wanted to know if you would make the time. I've been so disappointed in myself. In my recent years choices. That I just wanted a fresh start. I wanted to believe that I deserved it. That I was capable. That I could. That I'm not just fated to hurt. That I can move on that I don't have to be punished that I'm allowed to make changes. And it hurts it hurts so badly. It's not a shed of a tear from a sappy romance movie. It's another cry from deep within. Those feelings that I want to avoid so much that I felt trapped due to. That I wanted to end all that I felt suffocated by for so long. It was painful. You didn't want that but it was painful. And now hours later you showed up. I didn't think you would. But you did and said that you'd still talk. A lot of things aren't falling in place for us. I kept running forward headstrong because I wanted to protect myself from being torn down with such oh so familiar feelings. But here you are. I just don't know. I just want to trust you. Trust you like I did that day you stayed over. Part of me wants to plow through and find the next sunset. Part of me wants to know if this will lead anywhere. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm mostly hurt. And I didn't think about how my words might have hurt you. I just wanted to be able to feel. To not feel guilty about being upset. I'm sorry I'm too much. I'm sorry that I still have a lot to grow. I thought I was okay but I still need time. In 3 hours I need to wake up to get ready to leave. I wish I was headed your way. But I'm not so move the hell on. I basically have my entire itinerary planned. I just need to finish a few final details. Many details. Lol. All good. I'm still not okay. I still believe that you're wrong. I know I'm wrong. But I think the way you perceive your actions towards someone you say you care about is off. I want to believe that there's more to you than this. I have my doubts. But I have my hope. I need to lay low. 🦎 And make good use of this vacation I just paid for. Damnit.