#back to retail? my body can't take that anymore

[tiny-feisty-gay]

jobs will say they're disability friendly until you actually need them to be friendly about your disabilities

jobs will say they're mental health friendly until you actually have to miss work for it

jobs will say they support you taking time off until you actually do it

capitalism is a sham and employers do not and will not ever care about you, and if you're chronically ill, sucks to suck

i have an average of 1.5 absences a month and i'm tardy an average of twice a month, and somehow that's still too much.

18 absences in a year if i go at the current rate. 18. out of the 208 days total that i work (4 on, 3 off, with a 3 hour commute each direction.) 18. days. of absences. and that's too many.

and god forbid i be more than 15 minutes late.

[chrimsone]

I'm feeling helplessly sad today. I want to cry, I almost did. I talked about my cats. I got to Toby. I remembered the day he died. What's funny is he hasn't even impacted my psyche the way Willow did. He lived a long, happy life. One I had to witness the end of, but I knew he was loved for so long.

He's not the reason I feel this way though.

I just, feel so useless? Insignificant, I guess.

We're not even a week into November and my life has turned into work then sleep. When I find the time to be on my computer I just stare at the screen, not mustering up the courage to even play something.

I can't even try to enjoy work anymore. A new manager did a complete 180 and probably hates my guts. I feel nervous whenever I'm around her, I'm constantly walking on glass because I can't stand the way she tries to boss me around but if I defy her it's ultimately insubordination. I hate this job but I don't want to get fired.

Maybe, what triggered this was my attempt to work for Bungie. I took a look at their list. Narrative Design. Sounded like it was gear and bounty flavor text. Something not daunting. Something to get me out of retail and into something I might actually enjoy.

I spent nearly a week slaving over a cover letter. It was my only chance. I have no credentials. I'm just a high school graduate working the same job I first got when I was seventeen.

I have no passions. They all died by the time I graduated. Art? I have fucking aphantasia. No matter how hard I try it never looks right. I couldn't, and can't, afford a mentor. I liked space. So Astronomy? I barely passed pre-calculus. I dropped out of the real thing only one trimester in. I hated my teacher, but mostly myself for not being able take in any knowledge. By then, I was hopeless. I've considered veterinary work, with my love for cats. I know I'd see them in pain, it's why I never considered it when I was younger. Maybe that's part of why I never got too serious. You need licenses to practice. More education that I can't afford. Recently I've gained a minor passion for writing. I've made little stories in my head since elementary school, developing them better as I grew. I wrote some fics in high school. Kept most of it to myself. I stopped until earlier this year. And I realized, I could convey my thoughts in this artistic way much better than when I tried to draw. I loved finding the right word to convey the emotion I wanted. But whenever I made something, inside, I nagged at myself. What if I try to take writing seriously? Will I go into learning how to do everything properly and realize I'm just missing some vital brain composition just like I am with drawing? I'm scared. Scared that the one thing I'm clinging onto for a future will make me fall just like the rest. Of course, there's video games. I'm always tempting just throwing it in, essentially selling my body like some shitty v-tuber on twitch because dudes are horny. Maybe QA testing. But even then I worry that I'm not skilled enough to try and break a game for release.

I got advice from my friends. Bugged them the whole time, sending them paragraphs and asking for advice. I wanted this to be perfect. It was my only chance. I was so anxious to even send it, but I managed to late last Friday.

I never got an email back. I actually just wondered if maybe they called instead. I haven't checked my voicemail in months. As I'm writing this, I finally looked, maybe they called me instead? Still, nothing. I wasn't considered. I'm not good enough. My letter did nothing. Something I worked so hard on, something I wrote specifically for other eyes, failed.

I hate this world. I hate having to ask for help. I want to be self sufficient. I wish I never existed. That someone else was in my place. I'm not worthy of having a soul. Someone else with more will is deserving of my life. I'm just merely a husk, wasting precious resources.

Y'know. I'll post this. And usually I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest. That I got these awful thoughts out somewhere. Maybe, someone'll come across them and learn of me. They wont plague only me anymore. But I'll click the button, and still feel awful. I won't hop into my clan's voice chat and act like I wasn't crying to myself for an hour. I won't simply get up and do something like eating or laundry before bed. I'll just sit, staring at the dashboard I don't even look at anymore, until it hits the time I'm supposed to go to bed for work tomorrow. All while listening to shit that keeps me in this awful mood.

[thesquareinthecircularhole]

take her off your hands [Haikyuu!! Kuroo Testurou x F!Reader]

im unhinged, at work, exhausted, consuming an energy drink, and listening to country music.

unedited and i typed Kuroo and Kurro almost every time

the dude is [derogatory] here

Song: Take Her Off Your Hands by Midland

Character: Kuroo Testurou from Haikyuu!!

female reader

There's a Saturday night, Saturday lights

The work week is exhausting, especially if you are in a career that doesn't allow for weekends off (I'm looking at YOU retail). Fortunately for our main man Kuroo, his job allows him the occasional weekend off. This being one of them. A lovely Saturday night in Tokyo allowed the clubs to be boppin, and he found himself in one with a few friends from work. When you don't have to work the next day, you let the drinks flow, and that is precisely what he was doing. At the bar, he stopped dancing long enough to take a long chug of the water he ordered between fruity drinks and shots. He allowed himself a look around the bar, and that is when he saw her.

And I’m watchin' her, watchin' him watchin’ ice Just meltin' his drink, and I can't help but think If she was with me, she'd be all I could see Oh, but he's just lookin' 'round the room

God, was she pretty. Her [h/c] hair done in a quick little, and slightly messy, updo for dancing. A short black dress with gold accented flowers along the side catered to her body and curves nicely. She wore matching gold heels, which if Kuroo was to guess, would not be staying on all night. But they complimented her legs and build in a way that made his mouth water. She was leaning against the bar, her arms around the arm of a man sitting down at the bar, drinking a dark beer. She seemed to be attempting to get his attention, but from the far out look on the dude's face, it was not going to be happening. This dude, as Kuroo dubbed him in his head, was looking around the club focusing on nothing and everything, except for her.

'If that was me', Kuroo thought, 'I wouldn't take my eyes...or hands...off her all night'. Perchance if reading his thoughts, she looked around the room and locked eyes with Kuroo. Pretty [e/c] eyes highlighted by eyeliner and long, elegant eyelashes. He tipped his drink in her direction and gave the little smirk that gets most girls going. She gave a shy smile and looked away after a moment, back at the dude. 'I'm not having that', Kuroo thought to himself finishing the drink and putting it back on the bar for the bartender to take at his convenience. He sauntered over to the couple.

I'm over here watchin’ a fool who don’t know that he's wastin’ his chance Hey mister, could I cut in for a dance? You don't know what you've got if forever's just not in your plans Let me take her off your hands

"Hey, I'm Kuroo. Could I interest you in a dance?" He said, getting close to her. She bit her lip and batted her eyelashes lightly. The dude with her continued to stare off in the distance, and didn't even notice when she removed her arms from his.

"I'm [Y/N], I'd love to dance." She took Kuroo's extended hand who then swirled her into him and guided the two into the middle of the dancefloor. They swayed with the music, something upbeat that you couldn't quite make the words out to do to the overpowering amount of bass shaking the whole club.

Kuroo moved his head closer to hers as they danced together, chest to chest with fingers intertwined. His mouth was practically against her ear as he said, "That your boyfriend or something?"

"Not so much anymore. This was supposed to be a rekindling, but he's fucked out on something and I can't be bothered to care anymore." [Y/N] said, a slight pout with her bottom lip jutting out. If Kuroo were to describe it, he'd call it kissable.

"Seemed like you cared a couple moments ago," he said, not pointing out but implying from the time her arms were around the dude.

"Yeah well then a handsome gentleman reminded me of other things life has to offer." Her smile was coy and it made Kuroo's heart skip a beat as a matching smile dawned on his face.

And oh, a girl wants to be swept off her feet She didn’t put that dress on to be a Nobody man, short on romance Too blind to give her even a second glance Oh, but he's still lookin' 'round the room

"You think I'm handsome?" He says, the smile much more of a smirk now. She laughed, throwing her head back. 'I could spend the rest of my life making her do that', he thinks to himself.

"I also said you were part of what life has to offer, which I think is the larger compliment."

"I'm trying not to inflate my ego to much tonight. Besides, I'm nothing special standing next to you." She blushes at that. You know that feeling with the incredibly hot person says you're hotter than them? Yeah that's the vibe.

He spins her around again and catches a glimpse at the dude, who is nursing a slightly lighter shade of brown beer, eyes scanning the room in an entirely unfocused manner. Kuroo understands what [Y/N] meant by fucked out on something, the hazy look in his eyes suggested a whole lot of weed. He remembered reading something about weed causing a depersonalization order when you smoke to much of it, doing research for Kenma who mentioned smoking once or twice. Kenma called him paranoid and said he didn't smoke enough to cause a problem, but deep down inside appreciated that his friend was looking out for him.

"In a way, I'm glad you gave him a second chance. If you didn't I might've not been able to sweep you off your feet in this club tonight." Kuroo says, instantly dropping her into a dip. The rise in her heart rate, she couldn't tell if it came from the dip or the man. She agreed with his sentiment though. Not one for love at first sight, she did believe in "god damn I've gotta spend more time with this man" at first sight.

As she rises from the dip, her arms move up, around his neck, playing with the hair at his nape. His arms wrap around her waist, connecting his fingers at the small of her back. They continued dancing to the music, occasionally making small talk and getting to know each other. Hours and hours passed, the duo only leaving the dancefloor to get drinks.

"Want to come back to my place?" Kuroo whispered huskily in her ear. [Y/N] pondered for a moment. She did just meet the guy, but she technically did have a boyfriend, but it wasn't going to last past tonight anyway. Her contemplation was answered by a quick tap on her shoulder.

"Hey," the dude started, "I'm headed home. Are you coming with?" He asked. She blinked at him, once, then twice, surprised by the audacity.

"You won't have to worry about her anymore," Kuroo said, with his signature smirk, "Let me take her off your hands."

[tuiccim]

Brassy (Part 7)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 1284

Warnings: Fluff, adult conversations, angst

Summary: Your relationship with Bucky continues until you realize there’s one important thing you forgot. 

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4  / Part 5 / Part 6

———————————-

Steve pulled you aside two days after your date with Bucky and, awkwardly as hell, told you he considered you family. It was still hard to accept, but you managed to tell him you cared about him too. He turned to leave but you stopped him.

"Steve," you can't quite meet his eyes but you have to ask him, "you're his best friend and I need you to tell me the truth."

"Okay." 

You roll your lips in for a second not sure if you want the answer to this question. "Am I good enough for him?"

"Yes, (Y/N), you are good enough for him. You're good for each other. He's a lucky guy."

Tears form in your eyes, "Thank you, Steve. That means a lot coming from you."

You had just lifted up to place a kiss on his cheek when Bucky walked in and immediately started messing with Steve, “You trying to steal my girl?”

“Oh, is she your girl?” Steve smirks at Bucky. 

“Okay, okay, boys. I have some say over this.” You couldn’t pass up a chance to make Steve blush, so you grabbed each of them by the front of their shirts. Looking between the two you let out a long “Hmmm…” Looking into Bucky’s eyes, you say “Sorry, Cap.” before pulling a grinning Bucky in for a kiss. 

“And that’s my cue to leave.” Steve says making a quick exit. 

Bucky is chuckling against you as you continue to kiss. After a few minutes, despite your body screaming protest, you manage to pull away. “Keep kissing me like that and I’m going to forget we said we’d take it slow.” You say. 

Bucky groans, “Doll.” 

“What? It’s the truth.”

“You are testing my self-control when you say things like that.” Bucky leans in to kiss you again but you slip away before he reaches you.

“Then I best take temptation away.” You giggle, “I have training to do.”

You head to the training room to get out some of your pent up frustration and then plan on a cold shower. 

The next few days passed following the usual routine except now Bucky and you actually talked when you were in the same room. Laughed. Watched movies together. And always seemed to find some way to be touching.

Then Steve, Bucky, and Sam were sent on a three day mission. By the end of the first day you felt the lack of Bucky’s presence. You were still confused by your feelings for him. There was the wanting to jump him part which felt normal, but there was also a joy just being around him and a fear of it all going to shit. 

The second day they were gone you eat lunch with Natasha and Wanda. 

"Question." You look at the two of them. "If you're taking it slow when dating, how long does that mean before you have sex?"

Natasha snorts and points her fork at Wanda, "Oh, that one is all yours."

Wanda laughs, "It's always just been when it felt right. There's not a timeline somewhere."

"Ugghhh…" you bang your head on the table dramatically as Nat and Wanda giggle. 

"Come on, (Y/N), it's been like what, a week?" Nat can't stop laughing.

"Sex? Day after Tony's last party."

"Yeah, that was an all day noise fest." Wanda says under her breath. 

You stick your tongue out at Wanda. "Things starting with Bucky? 8 days."

"Speaking of, how did Loki take it?" Wanda asks.

"I haven't seen him. I was on a mission and he hasn't answered texts since then, so he must be in Asgard." You shrug. 

"How do you think Loki is going to take it?" Nat asks.

"I don't know." You say truthfully. 

"I'm sorry but I have to ask. Was he good?" Wanda blushes a little.

"Uh, yeah. The stamina of a god, generous in bed, never left a lady hanging, understood no without necessarily having to hear it. Every time he left he always asks 'Next time?' like he was making sure our arrangement was still intact. A gentleman without being too much of a gentleman. He's pretty damn fantastic in bed."

Wanda looks thoughtful for a second, "Then why not him?"

"It's just never been like that with us. Plus, I'm 'merely a Midgardian.'" You mock Loki's accent. 

"So, it's just physical with you two." Nat says.

"Well, no. There's... there's an actual friendship there too. We talk, laugh, listen to each other. I'm hoping our friendship can survive without the physical stuff. He really is my best friend. As much as I mess with him about it. I'm... scared of losing that." You feel embarrassed for admitting so much and shrug to cover your feelings.

"I think it will." Wanda says giving you a reassuring smile.

"Ya know, I could use some retail therapy this afternoon. Who's in?" You smile at the two of them.

"Oh, yeah." Nat says while Wanda nods.

The day Bucky and the guys are due back you decide to bake cookies for them. Wanda joins you and together you manage to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a batch of snickerdoodles. You leave some in the kitchen for everyone but wrap up little packages of them to drop off in the guys rooms. You were dropping the last package in Bucky's room when he walks in.

"I didn't know you were back! I was dropping off some cookies for you." You smile at him. 

He is looking at you so intensely you falter for a second. "Bucky, are you okay? Did the mission go okay?"

He slams the door, drops his go bag, crosses quickly to you, and crashes his lips into yours with such intensity that your knees nearly buckle. You respond immediately by wrapping your arms around his neck and opening to his demanding tongue. He pulls you tightly to him and you arch your body into the embrace. After a few minutes your lips part just enough for Bucky to say, "I thought about you the entire time."

"I missed you, too." You said running your hands through his hair. 

He claims your mouth again. Heat pools between your legs and finally you have to break the kiss. "Bucky," you say in a heated whisper "I don't want to go slow anymore."

He stares into your eyes for a minute before backing you to his bed. When the back of your knees hit the mattress you sit down and slide back onto the bed. Bucky kicks off his boots and then follows you down sealing your mouth with his. You lay back and curl your hands into his hair as he reaches for the hem of your shirt. He begins working your shirt up when his hands pause. Breaking the kiss, Bucky presses his forehead to yours. 

"Babe," he says in a strained voice, "I, um, I don't have any condoms."

"Why would we need…" You're confused for a moment. Being a super soldier meant advanced healing and no illnesses. And then realization hits you like a ton of bricks. "Fuck!" You push away from Bucky and scoot across the bed from him. 

He's looking at you with pained eyes, "I'm sorry. I didn't…"

"I'm so fucking stupid." You put your head in your hands.

Bucky reaches for you, "Why would you say that?"

"No, no!" You scramble out of the bed. "Don't. I...Dammit! I'm so stupid. What the fuck was I thinking?"

"(Y/N), what are you talking about? What did I do?" Bucky is nearly panicking. 

"Nothing! Nothing, it's not you. I'm sorry. This was a mistake. I can't." You run to the door.

Part 8

[midnightafterdusk]

Welp. I'm losing my fighting spirit. Feels like everyone hates me and I've overstepped a boundary in how much the people around me can take of me and my spiraling because I feel alone. I do my best to not get my partner involved because he already has to deal with me all day, every day. I feel like an utter disappointment for being the age that I am and still unemployed after 4 months. Four months... No one wants me. Whether I tell the truth on my resume or lie. I'm just another young yuppie that doesn't know anything to them. I went to school to have a piece and ended up with 5 that say hey I know what I'm doing and I do it pretty damn well and should be paid more. But no one wants to hire unless I have more experience in the field. But can't get the in-field experience since no one wants to hire me. I've just about given up on getting into corporate and decided to go back to the hell hole that's retail. My body can't handle it anymore, but it's the only place desperately hiring at the moment. So I'll just have to find a way to deal with it because bills and rent. I could complain more, but that won't help anything. So I'm just going to cry and lay down until my interview later for potentially another scam of a company.

[frogsandfries]

Hmm I dunno

I want to get my ears re-pierced, but also, I swear to god this is going to be the last time. I'm never taking another job where I have to take my jewelry out if my ears are just going to close up again.

And honestly, the only reason I want to get my piercings re-done is that I currently work in fashion retail and I constantly see earrings that I want to wear and own. And honestly, I think it'd be fun to make my own earring rack. I'm thinking like index card sized squares of screen mesh, painted, maybe finished with ribbon or puff paint, and linked together with large jump rings. I think it'd look kinda cool, and then I could attach it to my pin boards. It'd also be kinda fun to make one if I ever have a booth at a craft sale or flea market.

So as far as the piercings, I was thinking about re-opening the three on my right ear, and maybe adding two more for five, and then maybe a second row of three inside of that. For the left, I think I'll just stick with the original two I had planned. I can see all of that adding up over time; I'm honestly not sure if it would be less expensive to get it done at a body shop, but I'm pretty confident it would be cheaper in the long run to just get the cartilage moved so the hole can't just close up without the pressure of being held open.

However, assuming my checks enable me to put away three hundred dollars every two weeks, it's still going to take about ten checks from this coming check, to save up enough money to start to look for a van that's ready to roll. Obviously the ideal would be to be absolutely certain that my home is very well insulated, but really, I'll just deal. I can layer the floor with rugs and build a blanket fort and use a heating blanket. I'll survive. In the future, I can always save up some money, take some time off, make sure I have all the materials and measurements, and just get it done. I could even rent a storage bin for a month and make sure there's somewhere to put my stuff while I update the insulation.

I'm now looking for a second job, so hopefully I can build more hours into my schedule and make certain I have that money coming into my pocket. I know it's going to take some time and some careful juggling to get my credit back in good shape, but obviously, I'm not getting anywhere fast if I'm making eight dollars an hour and getting less than twenty hours a week. Honestly, eight dollars an hour when I could be making twelve is bullshit in the first place, but welcome to the midwest.

I don't have to take care of everything at once, but if I can start to nibble at it that's better than just being petrified.

I think also, some stability--which was really the big reason for going to Oregon in the first place--will do wonders for getting my shit organized. Some even cashflow for more than a couple months, so I can move beyond just financially recovering and into building myself back up again, solidly.

Additionally, I'm never letting a man live off me again. I don't think I know how to find that balance between being a partner and being a princess, but I'm sick of even feeling like I'm doing all the work, paying all the bills, and he gets to sit on his ass or spend his money and mine frivolously. My ex would constantly lecture me on how I was spending my money, but wouldn't get off his ass to help me bring money in, and as soon as I wanted to move out, he was done with me.

With my "friend", he got to blow all his money on a fucking trip that I didn't even benefit from, and I'm still the one who had to leave. I should've told him HE could leave, we weren't going to be friends anymore anyway.

That's another thing. The next time I have a good situation like that, with a job that I like and a stable place to live, I'm not going to be an idiot and just leave. I didn't have any reserves built up and he had me spending my own money constantly when I could've just eaten what the rest of the household was eating and he could've just fended for himself. He was an adult after all, and I hardly benefited from the arrangement after we left Oregon.

So those are my new conditions: If a guy wants to take care of me, he's going to take care of me. I'm worth it because I'm a good partner. If I don't benefit in the ways I want to benefit, I'm going to start pulling back and focusing on myself. I'm not going to continue to stupidly hope if I keep doing things the same, he'll realize he's slacking.

As much as it would obviously be nice to have my rent paid, groceries in the fridge and gas in my car in exchange for being a companion and paying my own bills, that's not what I'm expecting any time soon. Honestly, I'll be surprised to even find someone any time soon just to get coffee with and get acquainted. Sex would be so far down the road as to be a thing I daydream about more than expect.

[pointthefingerblametheother]

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.