#undiagnosed issues of course

[tiny-feisty-gay]

jobs will say they're disability friendly until you actually need them to be friendly about your disabilities

jobs will say they're mental health friendly until you actually have to miss work for it

jobs will say they support you taking time off until you actually do it

capitalism is a sham and employers do not and will not ever care about you, and if you're chronically ill, sucks to suck

i have an average of 1.5 absences a month and i'm tardy an average of twice a month, and somehow that's still too much.

18 absences in a year if i go at the current rate. 18. out of the 208 days total that i work (4 on, 3 off, with a 3 hour commute each direction.) 18. days. of absences. and that's too many.

and god forbid i be more than 15 minutes late.

[sunset-unbound]

hm. feeling kinda incapable of having emotions. maybe it's just the thursdayness of it all

[passionpeachy]

hey sorry if this is a bit random, but I was just wondering if you could tell me a bit more about your inspiration for the Slumbering Spring piece? if you don't remember it's no biggie, just curious bc it reminds me of an idea I had for a painting a long time ago.

Oh boy.

I made it during a very depressing time in my life where I was very lonely and sleeping a lot while dealing with vague undiagnosed issues that have been affecting my health for about a decade as I went online and saw other queer people living their best lives in better funded queer-friendly environments.

Part of me was/is bitter and jealous of that, since I live in a very queer-apathetic city with minimal opportunities for someone like me and felt very paranoid of being “found out” by my family and being mocked for my identity, but the other more logical part of my brain was like “it’s good if other queer people are doing better than how I’m doing. I’ll catch up to them someday”. Hence the quote “Just go on without me, I’ll come out when I’m ready” written below the art.

Luckily, I don’t feel so much like this anymore, as I have already came out to most of my family, and it’s gone a lot better than I thought it would. I also have a really sweet partner that wants to introduce me to what a real queer-friendly community looks like outside of the Texas border.

As for my more lighter inspirations, I just saw hollow tree trunks and thought “man imagine how great it’d be to sleep inside that” which turned into pretty fairytale girl-thing sleeping inside a trunk because of course it did.

I also prefer spring over winter, and constantly wish for spring to come back during the last months of winter.

[deezneezz]

Leona & ADD

I got a few ppl (on twitter) wanting me to elaborate on Leona and ADD, so I figured I will share my thoughts here as well, please be nice it's just a personal hc. You don't have to agree at all!! Since it contains some personal experiences I ask of people to please be kind about it!

Anyway, Leona and ADD.

I think a lot of people usually agree on Floyd and Kalim having ADHD, but Leona actually shows a lot of lesser talked about traits of ADHD. Namely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), sensitivity to clothing/textures (he doesn't like restrictive clothes).

He also has the more commonly talked about traits of course, executive dysfunction being a big one. And his depression definitely exacerbates these traits, when i was undiagnosed and depressed i used to sleep my entire days away. I wasn't getting anything done anyway.

Not to mention not sleeping properly, so I was desperate to find moments to sleep during the day. I've slept on floors, on toilets, in an abandoned corner in uni instead of going to class. I was just *so* tired all the time I didn't want to sit in class, I wanted to sleep.

I was lucky I passed classes without studying, cause i would've never gotten through uni otherwise. I still took longer than necessary. The moment my support system (Ruggie, anyone?) graduated and left I had no one taking care of my basic needs, and I certainly didn't.

I had a dorm mate who cooked for me, made sure I had even an ounce of self-care, and also looked at my room and said "hmm, Deniz, maybe it's time to clean up a little" and then I very reluctantly admitted that it may have gotten a little out of hand.

She would just sit in my room sometimes chilling around while I cleaned cuz that was one of the few ways I cleaned at all (this is a real thing for ADHD, called body doubling. It works). Ruggie arriving at NRC and Leona suddenly performing tons better in school is no coincidence.

Coming back to RSD.. I mean I don't really have to explain it do I.. book 2, Lilia's scathing remarks, the shame of disappointing his dorm, etc. I know a lot of ppl call book 2 an 'overreaction' but like, this is genuinely what it feels like internally when RSD triggers

book 6 too, Jamil's over-protectiveness is clearly (to the audience) smth that's mostly Jamil's own habits and trauma doing. But to Leona it's a rejection/insult to his ability to take care of himself, his skill, etc. This was genuinely smth that set me off too.

"How dare you try to explain to me smth I already know, do you think I'm stupid?" "You're not like me." The unwillingness to admit that someone may be relatable in any way because making any comparison to yourself makes you vulnerable to what you haven't achieved for yourself.

"I would ace these classes too if I wasted my time and life studying as much as they did, but I actually love myself." <- guy who was jealous and did not know he was coping and didn't study cause of executive dysfunction and concentration issues.

Leona clearly knows a lot about the things he genuinely cares about, Ancient spell language, chess, magishift, so its kind of funny to see him so low effort in classes. Though honestly i know the game also says that "Leona already knows all this stuff" so.. who knows really...

Now I'm more chill but I used to legitimately go off the handle a little cuz RSD doesn't really care about whether the shit u feel is proportional to the offence it physically hurts in your chest and you just wanna burn down the world at that exact time and... IS THAT NOT LEONA...

TLDR: give Leona therapy and meds, lol.

[bullywugprincess]

As an autistic person, I think some autistic people (and neurotypicals attempting to be good allies) are sometimes doing more harm than good with how insistent we are that autistic people are as capable of achievements as anyone else.

I’m feeling quite tired right now and writing this first go without thinking too much about how I’m wording it, so please bear with me while I explain how I mean that. Basically I just saw a post of a father saying his son is autistic and has struggled to get a job because of it, but he was a really polite, sweet young man, and because of his personality one employer overlooked his struggles and gave him his first job. The post was him showing pride in his sons hood personality and spirit, and half the comments were autistic people saying it was patronising and “of course he can get a job, autistic people can do normal things and achieve things like everyone else.”

And look. I get it. We’re tired of being treated like children. We’re tired of being the subject of “inspo porn”. We’re tired of people acting like we can’t do things just because we’re autistic. But I think a lot of autistic people who are more well adapted and low-needs (again please excuse my terming, I know we don’t use low functioning/high functioning labels anymore but I don’t know what the alternative is) get offended by people acknowledging that some autistic people DO struggle, whether it’s with making friends or academically or with getting and keeping a job. Statistically speaking 3 in 10 autistic adults are in full time employment, compared to 8 in 10 non-disabled adults. And yeah that statistics probably off because of how many people go through life undiagnosed, but the point still stands. Because of learning difficulties, problems with socialisation or being unable to cope in a work environment due to sensory and other issues, many autistic people are unable to work. I don’t know the situation of the son from the post, but it is clearly something he’s struggled with, and the dad is not being patronising by acknowledging that struggle and praising him for overcoming it. By responding to a post like that by saying “of course autistic people can get jobs”, you are doing what ableists do. You are implying that people who can’t work because of their autism are actually just not trying. You are making autistic people who feel really proud of themselves for getting a job despite the difficulties they face seem stupid for it. And, if you’re not careful, you become someone’s excuse to claim autistic people don’t deserve accommodation or disability allowance/benefits because “they don’t need it, autistic people are perfectly capable of getting jobs.”

Another thing to consider: think about that person who said “you’re autistic? But you don’t behave like my 7 year old nephew? That’s not what autism is.” By saying autistic people can do something because YOU can do it is setting a rigid view of What Autism Is. Which like. We’ve all established is bad.

Again I’d like to apologise for how badly worded and ramble-y this is but autism is a disability, and it effects everyone with it differently. Let’s not diminish other people’s struggles

[sunflowersandsapphires]

Frank Castle caring for a chronically ill partner

a/n: So whatever undiagnosed disability I have has been steadily progressing and is also aggravated by the extreme summer heat where I live. Today, I had my weekly volunteering slot with our local shelter and almost passed out because I overheated so here are some self-indulgent HCs about how Frank would handle a partner with blood pressure or temperature regulation issues. (Warnings: non-graphic mentions of nausea, dealing with chronic illness, almost fainting descriptions)

HCs below the cut!!

Frank is who I immediately thought of when dealing with this because I think he’d be so comforting in a kind of alarming situation. (Until I was an adult, I’ve never passed out or even come close so it always takes me by surprise.)

Frank is so calm in every emergency situation because of his experiences and military training, and he’d be ready to go.

If this is something you don’t deal with often and Frank isn’t constantly looking for signs that you aren’t well, I think he’d freak out the first time it happens with him. Like IMMEDIATE trip to the ER, demanding the doctors run all the tests, desperate for some answer for why his girl isn’t feeling her best.

But after the first time? He’s a PRO. He knows as much as possible about whatever condition you may or may not have been diagnosed with. Like this man was taking notes, ok? He knows what foods you should be eating, how much you need to drink, medications he should have on hand, what things can cause a flare up, and how to help when one happens.

If you find yourself on the brink of passing out, sort of blinking slowly and trying to decide if your nauseous or overwhelmed, one look at Frank and he’d know something was up. He’d be at your side in a second, gently cupping the back of your head with one hand while supporting your torso with the other.

“Feelin’ off, doll? Let’s get ya sittin’ down. Take a breather.”

Gently leading you to the couch (or picking you up if you stumbled), he’d make sure you were lying down on the softest pillow, feet elevated of course, before grabbing any supplies.

He’d dampen a cloth with cool water, grab a sports drink or something with electrolytes, maybe even a snack if he thought it could help.

“Here, sweetheart, sit up for me? Attagirl. Let’s get you cooled down.”

Draping the cloth over your neck, he’d kneel in front of you, holding a drink to your lips (complete with neon bendy straw) and softly praising you as the blood comes back to your head.

You’d be off your feet for the rest of the day, no point in trying to argue. If you tried to do something as simple as the dishes, you’d be scooped into a bridal carry and carefully dropped back on the couch.

“Don’t start with me, doll. Ain’t nothin’ you need to do but rest. Lemme handle it.”

You might not feel your best, but you’d be damned if Frank didn’t make it better.

[artsymeeshee]

It isn't much of an ask, as more of a thank you.

Your heavier toned sea grunk comic with Stan discussing his thoughts of suicide has always held a place in my heart.

I started into the fandom around January 2022, and was pretty introverted getting into it. At that time, I was around 13 years into my undiagnosed depression, and failed one attempt to end it in that span. My introverted nature and being so warped kept me from wanting to engage with others from the fandom. I figured I was an outsider with more issues than what could be handled, and no one would be there for me(and I wouldn't blame them).

I didn't think that around July 2022, people would begin reaching out to me, understanding me, and accepting me. I found kindred spirits and my family. And in September, my best friend found me. She is the Ford to my Stan. She has stuck by me and loved me when I have been unlovable and it wasn't required. And we bonded over our favorite guys of course. She got me into Tumblr, and this was one of the first comics that I saw, and it made me bawl. It felt like talking to my best friend face to face, even 500 miles apart.

Then, shifting into December 17, 2023, I tried again to go, standing in the freezing night on the edge of the local bridge, seeing the dark, and waiting to embrace it. And everything that I loved flooded me in that darkness: My best friend, all my friends I had made, my family, and this comic. Stan felt that way, but he held on, because he got Ford back. It was part of why I stepped down, and just sat for awhile, and took the time to finally get help. Those feelings are now distant and rare when I reached out for proper help.

Even now, I'm struggling, but not wanting to be in that place again. Just feeling like I'm inadequate as a spouse, but we are both working through it. It has been difficult the last few weeks, and this comic emerges again today, and flooded me all over again with the reminder that Stan chose to live, even if it was hell for a long time, and I can do it too.

So, if you haven't fallen asleep on me yet, I just wanted to thank you for making this comic. And for all of them. It resonates with me deeply, and frequently more than you'll ever know, and at points, has kept me here.

Thank you 👉👈

🥺🥺 Oh wow. I don't know what to really say but thank you for opening up and telling your story. I know it can be really hard to open up like that. It makes me happy to hear that things have gotten a lot better, even if it's not 100%.

That comic was a spur of the moment kind of thing because I was originally going to make just a vent post of myself but then something about wanting to get out particular thoughts I've had through Stan seemed like a better approach. Perhaps this could come as a bit of surprise to some but as much art of Ford I've done, Stan is actually the favorite of the two.

I kind of thought that comic was going to be my last at the time. My mind spiraled pretty bad during that time last year and figured that it wasn't worth trying to say how I've been and just leave because I genuinely believed I was better off no longer being part of the Fandom. I still think I do on some days but seeing messages like these or even small encouraging ones is enough to think I am still worthy enough to stay.

❤️

[mistle10]

Rating: sfw

Pairing: Vil Schoenheit X chubby gn! reader (leaning towards fem)

Genre: hurt/comfort (tough love)

TWs: semi-detailed descriptions of ED behaviors, weight loss, restrictive behaviors, and self image. Please keep this warning in mind for your own personal health ♡

Plot: Reader who wants to lose weight but cant opening up about your issues with EDs and weight to Vil.

Disclaimer: I've written this based on my personal experiences, and it's a bit self indulgent. My apologies. Not proofread, written in tumblr app.

-----‐-----------------------------

Vil grabbed your hand when you claimed you weren't beautiful. He stared into your eyes.

"Tell me. What exactly don't you like about yourself?"

You couldn't say your weight. You didn't want to get a lecture, you already had it in your head that he must hate it.

"I- I won't tell you." When you argued, he would cross his arms.

"Oh, you always say I know so much about beauty. Suddenly you don't trust my judgement anymore?"

He tsked at you. "And besides. I give you plenty of tips to accentuate your features and you choose not to take them."

But you don't like them. You don't want to accentuate them. His face softened.

"Y/N..." Vil sighed, taking your hand in his again. "You know I do find you very beautiful, right?" His manicured thumb stroked the back of your hand, and he pulled you close to him. You couldn't help but feel grossed out. Not at him, but yourself. It was a common feeling-- not believing anyone would ever touch you out of free will.

"Why exactly don't you like these things?" He asked, more determined now. "Have people mentioned them?" His eyebrows furrowed, as much as he hated making expressions like that. Vil knew self confidence wasn't something many people had. Even he didn't come by it naturally, at first. Most people had something they wished to change, and some people were able to; whether that be getting a nose job or using colored contacts. But most couldn't and had to make peace with it.

And the thing was, you had tried to change it. You had tried many times. Many unhealthy diets and undiagnosed eating disorders went unnoticed because you didn't "fit the criteria." Of course you didn't want to tell him. To many people, being overweight was a moral failing. Something like that should be so easily fixable, shouldn't it? Of course, it was firmly seeded within your mind that Vil would feel the same if not harsher should you complain.

"I don't know. Not really," you replied.

Vil huffed. "Really now, Y/N." He put a hand on his hip. "You know, I don't care about those things. I don't particularly love the fact you ask me for tips and then don't use them and still complain, but that's beside the matter..." He shook his head, free hand coming up to brush aside his bangs.

His hands landed on your shoulders, bringing you to sit down with him on his bed. You even felt self concious about how you sat. Vil reached up to hold your face, thumb on your chin and other fingers resting under your jaw. It was tough love, you knew that, but it was still difficult.

"What I care about is whether you believe you're beautiful or not." He hummed, crossing one leg over the other. "And I want to help you feel that way."

You still couldn't help but not believe him. Really? You'd seen him have a fit before because his lash glue wasn't sticking just right at 5:30 in the morning. You'd seen him outright grimace at unappealing patterns, go on rants about hideous microtrends... he, of all people, didn't care about physical flaws? No way.

You would've laughed if it didn't make you want to cry. Tears welled up in your eyes.

"I... I just-" you were at a loss for words. "Don't pretend as if it isn't obvious. It's the elephant in the room." The metaphor made you embarrassed, as if it were a comparison, "I've been trying to lose weight. I am. Nobody cares. I haven't even been going to the Cafe anymore. I've cut out carbs, sugars, fats before, I'm eating less than half my maintenance and- nothing!" You let the words spill out. And now that the dam broke, you couldn't stop the rest.

"And I know you probably think I'm lying, how could I possibly not lose weight, that's so easy right!?" You felt your face get red hot. "But it's not that easy. Doctors won't listen. Nobody listens!"

Vil was silent for a few moments, before a sigh left him. He crossed the opposite leg now.

"Really now."

Your heart dropped.

"The truth is that I have noticed your habits change. I've been on every diet from here to the pacific ocean, you know," he muttered, bringing your face up to look you in the eyes. He seemed annoyed about something.

"It's not something I'm oblivious to. I was going to tell you to knock it off sooner or later if you didn't tell me the reason. Seriously, less than half, you should know better."

After a heavy scowl finally disappeared, Vil sighed, his demeanor softening once again. "It's very easy to get sucked into these things." He shrugged, resting his face in his palm for a moment.

"I ought to give you a breakdown of why these things don't work, but I'm sure you've heard it all already," he hummed. He was trying very hard not to lecture you about crash dieting and you could tell. "But-" His brows furrowed, and he looked at you, expression serious. "This will not happen again, understand? You will be eating an adequate amount. There are no 'good' or 'bad' foods, and equating food to moral character when it's simply fuel is imprudent."

You were clearly ashamed. The lecture, as you expected.

"I've already killed my metabolism." You said quietly. "Nobody can help anymore."

He narrowed his eyes at you. You swallowed nervously.

"This is fixable. But-" you tried to look away, but he turned your face toward him again.

"Look at me, Y/N." He spoke sternly, a subtle yet protective bite to his tone. It was clear this hit something for him; after all, you were his partner. And if you were hurting yourself, that simply wasn't tolerable.

"But, unless you plan on breaking up with me, I can not allow you to keep on with these *ridiculous* diets. My love-" he took a breath, finally composing himself. He'd never had to be this harsh with you before, but he was... worried. "An eating disorder is an eating disorder. Size has nothing to do with it."

His arms came around you, pulling you close to him in a loving embrace-- and your emotions immediately began to well up. "I apologize for my reaction, but this is one thing I will remain obstinate about."

His lips met your cheek. His hand caressed your hair, long nails combing through and brushing against your head. Vil was affectionate, when he wished to be-- and that was usually behind closed doors like this.

"But you don't think I'm ugly?" You asked quietly.

"Of course not," Vil spoke. "You know, I don't surround myself with people who know nothing of fashion or beauty. Physical flaws-" he scoffed a little. "even using the word 'flaw' seems demeaning, but they are the one thing I don't comment on."

You looked at him. You remembered all the times you'd seen him obsess over the little details of his face in the mirror, and felt bad about yourself.

He seemed to notice this with the change in your expression. At this point, he really could read you like a book. He reached up to hold your face once more, violet eyes looking into yours.

"My qualms about my own appearance have no effect on how I feel about you. Why would I hold you to the same standard as myself?"

Vil sighed softly. "If you feel this way, won't you come to me?" He asked. "We can work on the things you don't like, within reason. I just don't want you to hurt yourself over looking thin. You know, when Azul-" he cut himself off, shaking his head, but that seemed to remind him of something.

"I know I've probably said things about my figure before, and I'm sorry if that hurt you. I happen to like the way you look now. You've come a long way, you know. The first time I saw you, you couldn't even do a cut crease." Though it was maybe a joke you thought, he seemed serious.

Finally, he came back around. Vil moved to sit closer, his lips meeting yours. Though it wasn't enough to transfer some of his lipstick as it sometimes was, you could feel the affection that he couldn't -or wouldnt- say.

He breathed out, a soft smile coming to his face now.

"How are you feeling? Better now?" He asked. "Why don't we stop and pick something up?" He asked. You knew he typically tried to avoid unhealthy foods, so he must be determined to get you to eat something if he was suggesting it. "And then I can do your nails again- you know you ought to stop biting them," he scolded, in the way he usually would. It indicated things were back to normal. He wouldn't baby you, but he would work with you.

Though it wasn't something he often said, he did love you.

[gabessquishytum]

You know what concept doesn’t get explored enough in Dreamling fic? Dream teaching Hob how to read. Like, I’ve seen one or two off mentions of it in canon adjacent fic, but nothing that really gives focus to that idea, y’know? And while I think it would be fun in canon, I’m gonna go au real quick.

So Hob as one of those kids unfortunately left behind. Probably a combination of living in poverty and his undiagnosed adhd. And he’s definitely way too embarrassed by this to actually ask anyone to teach him. So now he’s an adult who doesn’t know much more than his own name and his numbers. And while that probably wouldn’t be enough for most people to get by, what Hob DOES have are people skills. His ability to charm people and talk around them let’s him get through life well enough.

Then there’s Dream, mister wet cat himself. If he’s not an Author™️ then he’s definitely a voracious reader. But he has a personality of a damp paper bag. Like, even he has to admit his lack of social skills is actively hindering his life and relationships at this point. Probably add some autism for ✨flavor✨

But Dream does have moments where he’s too observant for his own good. Which is how he clocks that Hob avoids reading like the plague. (I’m envisioning Hob as a bartender at the pub Dream goes to to try and learn human behavior. But idk if he could avoid reading with that job.)

So Dream corners Hob and proposes a trade off: Dream will teach him how to read and Hob will teach him some social skills. Once Hob realizes he’s not being threatened (seriously, Dream really sucks at this talking to people thing) he hesitantly agrees. At least it’s less embarrassing if Dream also needs to be taught something? And it would be rather helpful…

Obviously during the course of their lessons they fall in love 🥰

This means so much to me!!!! I love it. The idea of Hob hiding the fact that he can't read is so heartbreaking but actually so real and its way more common than people imagine.

I also love the idea of Hob + Dream = One Normal Functioning Adult. That's my favourite thing, when they're each other's missing puzzle piece <3

I figure that Hob might have picked up a few words from around the environment of the bar. Like, each tap has a label on and he knows exactly which is which and he can technically read "Guiness" and "Wherry" and a few others, but they're not the most useful words. Anyways, Dream gets the idea that he'll keep using things around the pub to teach Hob to read: menus, newspapers, posters for old gigs, crisp packets. It's a good way for Hob to build confidence before Dream presents him with an actual book.

And similarly Hob uses the bar as a place to teach Dream about social skills. He coaches him through identifying body language and expressions, quizzing Dream on how he thought each customer might be feeling. Then he encourages three way conversations between him, Dream and regular customers. He gives Dream topics to focus on and gives him safe ways to get out of an interaction that he's not vibing with.

By the time Hob stumbles his way through his first novel, Dream is able to talk to a stranger about the weather without any issues. And they're both mutually crushing on each other so hard!! It only seems fitting that the pub which has been such a cornerstone for their friendship and some pretty awesome personal milestones, is also the place where they have their first date.

Hob reads love sonnets to Dream in a hushed undertone. And it's like the whole building sighs happily at the sights of them together <3

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hii i wanted to ask about the long term affects of masking, especially if you’ve been undiagnosed until adulthood.

personally, i’ve recently concluded that i’m autistic (gonna get a diagnosis so i can finally get accommodations at uni and finish my degree woo) and i wanted to make an art piece reflecting that but i wanted to know if anyone else experienced that too.

Hi there,

Here are some source about masking and its consequences:

Here are some of the effects of regular masking:

Stress and anxiety. In a 2019 studyTrusted Source, researchers found that stress and anxiety were higher in people who routinely masked autistic traits, compared to those who used masking less often.

Depression. In 2018, researchersTrusted Source interviewed 111 autistic adults, finding that those who reported masking their autistic traits had symptoms of depression and felt unaccepted by people in their social sphere.

Exhaustion. Masking consumes huge amounts of energy. In a 2016 studyTrusted Source, women who used masking to satisfy neurotypical standards said they felt exhausted by the constant effort.

Delayed identification of autism. Some people are so successful with masking that their autism isn’t identified until they are much older. That delay can lead to mental health issues because people don’t get the support or understanding they need.

Loss of identity. Some people who mask their identity, interests, and traits end up feeling that they no longer know who they really are. Some have said masking feels like self-betrayal; others have said masking makes them feel they’re deceiving other people.

Risk of autistic burnout. When people push themselves to behave in ways that don’t feel authentic, the result can be an overwhelming feeling of overload, sometimes called autistic burnoutTrusted Source. Masking may require an extended period of quiet withdrawal and recovery.

Increased risk of suicidal thoughts. In a recent studyTrusted Source, prolonged masking was linked to “lifetime suicidality.” The study was relatively small (160 students) and involved primarily women (89.6 percent). However, it showed that masking led to feeling like a burden, which in turn led to more suicidal thoughts over the course of a lifetime.

This source says:

However, just because a coping strategy was once useful, it doesn’t mean it always will be. Studies are now beginning to find how detrimental to our mental health masking can be (Bradley et al., 2021; Hull et al., 2019). Autistic people who mask more show more signs of anxiety and depression, and the strategy may even been linked to an increase in suicidal behaviours (Cassidy et al. 2018).

I really hope these help. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[sophie-frm-mars]

Liberal Dissociative Amnesia

The Cass Review is the most discussed political topic among trans people in the UK right now. The 388 page report by Dr Hillary Cass examines the gender services available to young people in the UK and concludes that young people are being let down, gender services need to be taken out of reach for trans people under 25 and a new system which urges avoiding transition at every turn needs to be created which will refer people at age 25.

I just watched Michael Walker on Novara Media say "I think there are some very difficult questions here that I really don't know the answer to", and I find myself baffled by statements like this. I did actually understand in watching what specific questions he thought were "difficult", and I think someone could probably answer them pretty effectively to a standard he was happy with if he had a well informed trans person who he trusted in his life. The problem is, the whole segment was presented with as much equivocation and both-sidesing as possible, this constant air of "what if"

I feel like I'm observing a dissociative amnesia that people like this run into when discussing something that people they can easily see are bigots have declared to be scientific and complicated and requiring serious scrutiny. The Novara team understand the broad wave of anti-trans attacks happening across much of the world, particularly America and Britain, right now, even if they won't necessarily call it genocide - so why does this story exist completely devoid of context? Why is it suddenly time to ask "difficult questions"?

Walker wonders out loud about people on a spectrum where at one end people would have always been cis under all circumstances and on the other they would have always been trans, and in the middle of course are people who might transition if it's easier and there's less stigma. His point as far as I can tell is that somewhere in there it could get TOO easy to transition and then people will do it and regret it. Do I need to bother saying this is why we have informed consent?

It's like the people trying to wipe us out are playing Simon Says with the most progressive of our liberal media. The progressives can see bigotry for what it is most of the time and then somehow suddenly it becomes ✨special science bigotry ✨ and, perhaps because there's an institutional weight behind it, perhaps because it claims to be a serious study, or perhaps just because of the aesthetics of intellectualism the progressive journalists mysteriously forget about the whole wider context of transphobia around the world and have to apply rigorous journalistic standards to it.

"There's social contagion!" "No that's bigotry"

"They're just undiagnosed autistic people!" "No they're trans AND autistic"

"They're coming after the kids!" "No, that's age old queerphobia"

"✨Simon Says ✨ there's social contagion!" "oh well this warrants very careful discussion, I need to think very hard about this before taking a side here, it's a toxic culture war debate and we must remain ✨rational✨ when discussing issues like this..."

[ideas-4-stories]

One piece story idea where Buggy has had medical issues since he was a baby, but most of them went unknown, undiagnosed, or not caught early enough to "make a difference".

Buggy with an autoimmune disorder of some kind (leaning to fibromayalgia bc I love projecting on my baby blue blorbo, but also the overactive nerves would tie in nicely with his devil fruit)

Buggy with hypermobility at the very least, possible Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, but it's damn near impossible to properly diagnose due to his DF and the tech available by and large.

On the Oro Jackson, few genuinely believed when Buggy would say something hurt or felt wrong or when he was more foggy headed than usual. Shanks could always read him like an open book. Roger could hear the changes in his youngest's Voice. Crocus did the best he could, but his options were limited and his attention was split. It was Roger, Rayleigh and Shanks who were Buggy's main support system.

Roger absolutely cried the first time Buggy got injured in a big fight and casually relocated a joint with just a soft hiss. That alone had been jarring, but Buggy's response to Shanks' worried question of "are you okay, does it hurt-," left the captain biting back tears. How else is a father supposed to feel when his little boy simply rolls hod eyes and says "not much more than normal"

When Roger disbanded the crew, the plan was to leave the boys on Drum. It had good doctors, Buggy would get more support, and it was rarely an island under siege due to the medical renown it had. They of course did not tell the boys as such, and it was only through a series of wacky events that lead Kureha to meeting them and taking a liking to their sparks. Shanks wasn't the most interested in medicine but he learned some things, specifically first aid and some things to help Buggy. He actually found psychology pretty interesting when he had the patience and attention span to spare. Buggy on the other hand took to it all like a fish to water.

They were there for almost two years when the newspaper was delivered and both boys lost their SHIT when the headline announced the execution of their captain, their father. Kureha sent them off, arguably with more supplies than they needed, and gave them her Denden number to reach her if they needed anything at all. She couldn't go with them, but she refused to send them truly alone.

They have their fight in the plaza, but it doesn't end with a monumental break up. They meet back up the next day, and they bite the bullet together and talk.

They take some time to come to a decision moving forward.

They ultimately decide to go with the co-captain avenue but with careful misdirection and smoke and mirrors. To the world at large, they will seem completely independent and unrelated. In truth, they will be leveraging their independent skills to further themselves and each other. The brains and brawn, as it were.

It works out in their favor for a good deal of time until the cluster fuck that is marineford. Secrets are out, identities revealed, and Buggy is having 6395716 panic attacks stacked up like Legos.

He and Shanks roll with it as best they can, trying to salvage what they feasibly could.

Two years later, Cross Guild is formed and begins rolling. Buggy's crew knows of his illnesses/disabilities, but he has a strict set up to address them. It's on a need to know basis.

Crocodile and Mihawk just so happened to swirl in like a hurricane and never got the memo until there was an attack on the island.

Somehow, someway, Buggy got absolutely soaked in sea water, but he's still fighting, knives in hand, bobbing and weaving with a trail of blood in his wake. It's as he pivots to lunge that Mihawk catches sight of him suddenly paling, a minute flinch, but beyond that, Buggy doesn't react, instead throwing the knife, reaching down and making a strange move at his knee before he cringed, took a sharp inhale, and dove back into the fray.

Upon asking why, hours later in the meeting tent, the swordsman and mafioso present blink when Buggy shrugs and says "oh, my knee cap tried to dislocate. Couldn't disconnect with the sea water so I had to push it back by hand."

"Pardon?"

"Hm?" Buggy glances up from where he's brushing some dried remnants of the battle from his locks, one eye shut against the debris. "What?"

"What caused the injury? I did not see any attacks to your legs in the chaos."

"Oh, it just happens sometimes," Buggy says casually, as if this were knowledge the other two ought to know. "I'm used to it."

They are not sure what to do, nor how to respond. They let it rest for the time being but they do keep a closer eye on their chairman following this.

They learn Buggy is rather adept at working with and around his unusual burdens, either disconnecting a joint or alleviating pressure on it until it can be addressed, even chop-chopping the offending area back to the proper place. They catch sight, now that they know to look, of hints of braces, wraps, the way Buggy occasionally presses his iced drink to a knee, a wrist, on an ankle in movements familiar but exceedingly casual, never belying their true purpose.

It is then that the two dark haired men realize there is much more to their clown than they first assumed.

I agree that overactive nerves would tie nicely with his Devil Fruit. Buggy having medical issues that went unknown, undiagnosed, or wasn’t caught early enough would make sense after all if the HC that Buggy was with the Roger Pirates as a baby or even if he wasn’t with them during his infant stage. These are pirates, how are they supposed to know that they need to look for things that could be wrong with the two babies they now have?

I’m sure some of them have things that have went unknown and undiagnosed. Anyway, back to Buggy, I had to look up Ehlers Danlos Syndrome because I didn't know what it was. I agree that it would be nearly impossible to diagnose properly because of no good tech around, as well as the fact he is on a pirate crew, I assume for the most pirate crews they don't stick around island for very long. I HC that Buggy swallowed the Bara Bara Fruit when he was nine.

Poor Buggy, I want to think that more people on the crew understood that Buggy has problems but didn’t how they could help him. Because acting like Buggy was fragile would make Buggy become angry because kid doesn’t want to be treated like that.

Poor Roger, having to watch that without saying anything, with all the other times it happened. Then after he disbanded the crew. Leaving them on Drum Island is a good choice and it makes sense that they didn’t tell the boys (I feel like they don’t tell the boys many things that should of been talked about, but this might be a good thing they didn’t say anything about. But who knows)

I wonder what the series of wacky events were to the meeting between them and Kureha? To me, they seemed like it there in this AU.

I think anyone would lose their shit if they see someone, they really love is getting murdered in front of so many people. I feel that Kureha only let them go because she knew they would go anyway, and this way let’s her give Buggy and Shanks the supplies they need.

I believe that with all the stress and pain of losing someone they hold dear in their hearts. I think Buggy wasn’t in the right mind set nor was Shanks in a way. Anyway, Love that they came back around to talk about it. I think the smoke & mirrors co-captain route they have… or is it more like Buggy and Shanks are allies? They have their own crews, but they still have each.

Then Marineford happened, poor Buggy and Shanks. I hope in this AU that Ace lives, but it was never stated so I don't know.

The idea that Buggy's crew knows about his illnesses/disabilities makes me feel that his followers would say he so strong to overcome them or we just talking about Buggy's crew from East Blue. Then yeah, those folks definitely know about his illnesses/disabilities.

Mihawk and Crocodile coming in without any knowledge and it took a battle to find out. I can see Buggy is nonchalantly about it as Mihawk did a doubletake when he said ‘Pardon?’ Crocodile did a doubletake too, because with those two didn’t know.

Once Crocodile and Mihawk know about what’s going on with Buggy, they see that the signs were always there. It’s just they didn’t paid attention to those signs, but they are.

[velvet-vox]

V and Doll; trauma, mental disorder, and low empathy.

(Warning: this post is slightly outdated and contains some incorrect medical terms that don't correspond to the modern classification of ASPD. You can still read it if you are curious, but don't take anything stated here as hard facts. They are not.)

Very recently on my notifications I received a reblog by @aroaceweirdos101 to a response I've made to a post talking about how Doll went through so much more pain than V, and it made me realise that the response in question was actually, like, really good.

I had genuinely forgotten and underestimated how good of an analysis of both V, Doll, mental health and societal stigma it really was.

Now, of course, I disagree with the sentiment that Doll suffered more than V and fully believe that out of the two V endured way more pain and trauma than Doll; yet, although the responses in the comments checked out with what I previously said, they felt... meaner?

Like, the answers went to the opposite extreme of the original comment and tried to downplay Doll's trauma in comparison to V's, almost implying that Doll was a b##ch (which she was) for snapping as hard as she did when V still managed to retain a sense of restraint; and I disagreed with that, so in response I wrote this:

*Look, I believe both Doll and V are interesting characters, and although I feel more sympathetic towards Doll, I definitely believe V went through so much more pain than Doll and had way more reasons to snap and be the way she is now, but I just really hate people who use that as an excuse to label Doll has the more evil of the two or "she was always just a psycho, she just needed an excuse to snap"; it's especially disheartening when people straight up interpret her as unreademable or pure evil, when V and N's body count is 10 times higher than Doll's.

Also, I'm sorry but I really can't stomach the possibility of Liam redeeming the genocidal war machine and not the broken orphan created by said psycho, it literally would be the fictional pinnacle of "since these are the protagonists, they can get away with as much as they want and are always in the right"; I'm fine with the way Doll died because it was done by Cyn and there wasn't any moral lesson to be gained from our protagonists about it, but if it was done by N, Uzi, or worst of all V again, it should have played out like "we have reasons to do the things we do, and you have yours, unfortunately we're on opposite sides and you are hurting us so we must kill you now".

The human (worker drone) mind is extremely fragile, and some people, due to a probably inherited and undiagnosed mental illness or a particular personality type, are more at risk of snapping then other people, yet instead of being understanding towards those who are born with more issues than others (especially women, look up Azula or Ashley Graves) we tend to isolate, demonize and then kill them because they were incapable of fitting into the larger societal standard of acceptable social behaviour, even when said society never did anything to help them meet its unreachable standards because it required too much work from society's side to give you the special attention you needed in order to make you work and fit in.

V was a quiet kid because she was shy, Doll was a quiet kid because she was introverted. Those are two very different types of people and one of them (Doll) was inherently more at risk of developing mental health issues than the other due to their personality type and how it's stigmatized.*

Here's also the original post made by an anonymous user on @md-confessions

Also, here's the link to another post still talking about V and Doll. I made two comments in response, but neither of them is particularly well thought out and since you can't correct them I left them as they were.

Now, back to the highlighted part:

I want to use this response as a springboard to talk about the main differences between Doll and V when it comes to their different handling of their decaying mental health and why it's unfair to say that one of them was worse than the other based on their actions and attitude towards the problem.

(Also, all of the Murder Drones characters are extremely complex, and the fact that the show doesn't have filler makes it harder to get a good grip on one's particular mindset, so if it seems like I'm talking more about Doll than I am about V, it is because V is the most complicated character in the cast and I'm not as confident to talk about her as I am with Doll; it took one entire year to finally understand Doll as well as I do now, so V is a touchy subject for me that's why I might not do her justice).

First of all, it has to be said: Doll is a sociopath, V isn't, despite appearing like one. And that's ok.

When I say that I feel more sympathy towards Doll than I do for V, this is what I mean: I don't sympathise with Doll heartlessness more than I do with V jackassery; rather I understand and relate with Doll's low empathy since I also have low empathy as well, and it is quite common for people like us to be misunderstood for uncaring individuals.

It's the same reason why I and many others tend to like villains and sympathise with them more than we do with the heroes (Lord Shen from Kung Fu Panda 2 is the perfect example for this); it's quite common for villains to be written as individuals with low empathy, as an highly empathetic individual tends to be harder for the audience to buy as an antagonist, since you need to justify why someone this caring is committing all this heinous and terrible stuff, but if that person is already unemphatetic by nature, than it's just a matter of establishing their goals and motivations. These people also tend to be ostracized by their environment and go through a gruesome and violent death because it's socially acceptable to let these despicable individuals find comeuppance through death since they lack the traits that make a person traditionally good.

So, when people use the "So what? She's got dead parents. Many others do, including Uzi, who's also infected with the Absolute Solver, yet they have not become cannibalistic serial killers obsessed with revenge" as a slight against Doll it's not entirely fair because from what we've gathered in the show the other worker drones don't suffer from sadistic impulses and sociopathy like Doll does, even if they (Rebecca) are pretty uncaring. (Side note, Uzi also suffers from sadism/sadistic impulses, but not from sociopathy, hence the main difference between the two).

V, on the other hand, despite what her introduction and psycho girl persona might trick you into believing, was never a sociopath nor did she struggle with low empathy, she was, instead, a pretty timid maid who suffered through unspeakable physical and psychological trauma that led her to adopt this fake identity to cope for the atrocities that she was now committing for the company (Absolute Solver) and the safety of N; V cared about N in a pretty normal person kind of way: she kept N at arms length and hid the truth from him so that he wouldn't get hurt, all while detaching herself from the actions she was now committing, not saying Doll wouldn't or didn't commit any of these actions, but V did them in a way that better aligns with someone who doesn't suffer from sociopathic disorder.

Speaking of N, since he has been mentioned, I'll say that while Uzi suffers from sadism but not low empathy (she has shown to be pretty empathetic many times), N doesn't suffer from sadism but from low empathy; as better explained by a section of this post made by @melissa-titanium :

N x Doll

Don't believe me? Then maybe you should rewatch the series again because N's unemphateticness is his own can of worms to delve into.

But back to Doll, it's time to dissolve (😏) one of the oldest misconceptions surrounding her character:

Doll reached out for help. A lot. She just didn't have any luck with it.

Call me crazy, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the fandom wide spread belief that Doll rejected all the help that was handed to her to be a massive lie, and in fact, Doll actually tried to reach out way more than you thought, arguably, even more than Uzi:

The impact that Yeva's education has had on Doll's life can only be noticed in this way: Yeva extended her hand to Nori and she accepted it, thus, it is fair to assume that Yeva taught Doll to be pretty open to others and to give a hand to someone in need (the show was rewritten after the pilot, so ignore the incongruences with Doll's initial characterization), and in fact, after enduring the trauma of watching her parents die, she opened up to Lizzie for help and support, unfortunately, Lizzie wasn't exactly the right person to talk about these things (no offence to her, all of Uzi's classmates suck for one reason or another, including Uzi herself, I guess that's what happens when you are stuck inside a bunker your whole life), after all, Doll was still killing and cannibalising her classmates.

Then, before she went back to gain her revenge, she tried to get Uzi on her side, which wasn't an attempt to open up, but she was still willing to connect, even if for the wrong reasons. Finally, once she discovers that Uzi also has the Absolute Solver, she promises to help her out, and at this point, Doll wishes to talk it out with Uzi, but because she is surrounded by the Disassembly Drones (V), she can't.

And now, for the most interesting discussion, there's this brief and frankly weird moment in episode 5 where Doll compliments Khan for raising Uzi, and while Khan laughs it off immediately, since he is a dumbass, this could have been a perfect opportunity for him to reach out to Doll and reason with her, since she's clearly putting aside whatever her objective actually is to talk to him, but he doesn't catch on, and this leads Doll to immediately closing herself off again and returning to the mission, and like, maybe we all kind of underestimated how much significance this moment carried, but consider this:

Doll, at this point in time, has been living out in the cold for what... a month? Six months? A YEAR? If we exclude J and Cyn from the equation, this is probably the only social interaction she ever had since The Promening, yet, because of Khan's lack of touch, she immediately reminds herself of the massive disconnection between her and the other workers (eh ehm sociopath) and thus storms off rapidly; this moment is actually quite painful when you look at it from this perspective, yet it's also, the only interpretation that makes sense? Otherwise how do you explain the existence of this moment when Murder Drones is a show infamous for his high plotting and lack of filler? They had to go out of their way to animate this, so why did they play it off in this way?

Tessa is a meanie

Penultimately, and again, I want to bring up a post by @capnsaltsquid since that's where I got the inspiration to write this paragraph off, Doll opened up to J and Tessa to get the answers she was seeking, yet not only Tessa shot her in the face for s###s and giggles, but then proceeded to fraternise with her parents murderers, and at this point, she closes herself off enough to realise that she might have to unintentionally kill Uzi and leave everyone in the dust if she wants to get anything at all.

But unfortunately, that is not the case, she dies of a lonely, meaningless, gruesome death, and at this point, she still tries and finally succeeds in reaching out to Uzi, and yet, like all of her previous tries, this is unsuccessful, as Uzi has other things in mind right now.

To wrap things up nicely, both V and Doll went through severe amounts of trauma and handled said trauma in a similar yet also different way, since they are different individuals who process emotions and love differently, thus the actions they took made sense for the person they were and should only be judged in the context of their writing and characterization.

Want more?

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

hi! i have a question i’m directing at you bc i’ve seen the idea going around tumblr but most recently on your post — if a student is caught using ai to cheat do you think that’s worth expulsion? should that be the best case scenario punishment? while i understand the importance of making it known to students the severity of using chatgp, at the same time i feel like that’s a very harsh punishment for being caught cheating. but then also at the same time! i’m not a teacher and i don’t know if it’s possible to teach a student to value their education and the opportunity they have for high learning if they don’t already personally believe that the opportunity is a gift. idk! this isn’t really a structured question but i guess i’m curious about how you (or in general, how professors) feel about expulsion for chatgp (i know you’re just one person and don’t speak on behalf of all educators lol but it’s just something i’ve been curious about)

Expulsion as in, ejected wholesale from the entire university, Do Not Darken Our Door Again? No, I don't.

I think what outsiders tend to miss is that students who do this, 99% of the time, are desperate. Something has gone terribly wrong, they're desperate to meet those deadlines and get that work done, and in my experience it's almost always wrapped up in neurodivergence (usually undiagnosed) and frequently a home situation that's made their lives a shit show and pushed academia to a back burner.

But, it's a more serious issue than high school cheating on a multiple choice quiz. Degrees are crafted to have quality assurance built in, and with good reason. The whole point of a degree is that it's proof of higher learning, and specialist knowledge - you get a higher salary (in theory lol) because your employer is paying for the very expensive training you've undergone. This is particularly important in something like medicine or construction, because if you haven't actually completed all parts of that degree you could kill someone; but even in my own field, if you fundamentally don't understand the physical processes of a sand dune as well as its ecology, and someone hires you to manage that sand dune... well, it's going to be an over-stabilised mess in about five years' time and you've killed the rare sand lizards and mining bees that were living there. And if your degree is a course in an institution who is famous for producing top quality environmental workers who know this stuff... well, you've just made your uni course look very, very bad in industry.

So unis are protective of their quality assurance, and that means they do not like cheaters. And I do agree with that, that's fair enough.

For me, though, I think the answer is not full expulsion. I would run it like this:

Confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that the student has indeed cheated. This must be confirmed.

IF NOT CONFIRMED: Mark the work strictly. Pair this with a viva - the student must be able to answer questions about the work from two lecturers with subject expertise, plus someone from the Academic Office (although that latter person can just observe only). This will determine how deep their knowledge is vs what they submitted, and should be factored into the overall mark.

IF CONFIRMED: Module fail, all marks for those credits set to zero, and the information included on transcripts (not why they failed, just that they attempted the module and got zero.) HOWEVER, the student is allowed one resit attempt; this might mean having to redo the year as a part-time student just to get that module, depending on how it's taught and how important it is.

All of the above with the understanding that their work is going to now be checked very closely going forward for repeat issues. In confirmed cases, a viva is now a required part of future work.

To be fair, mind, proving cheating is genuinely very hard, so depending on how strict the uni is, that's roughly the system that gets used anyway. Your work is very strictly marked, you get viva'd, and you usually fail on quality anyway (especially if your flavour of cheating was ChatGPT, because what it produces is shit.) After you've failed, gone through a resit period, and been capped at a pass mark for the fail, you realise pretty quickly that it would have been less stress and effort for a higher mark to just do the work yourself. And that's a learning curve everyone should be allowed, I think.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta if i refused to help my classmates going forward?

i am in university for a science degree. i have been struggling for almost my entire degree due to undiagnosed ADHD and autism, as well as my habit from grade school of working myself too hard. i went into burnout from 2020-2022 and failed most courses i took. i had to cut down on my work significantly so i could stay in university and finish my degree. it's been 5 years and i'm just over halfway finished. the end's not in sight yet, but it's getting there.

this semester, i'm taking two courses that i've struggled in previously and am retaking actually. the term will most likely be over once this is posted. one i've finished twice but didn't have a high enough grade to move forward (chemistry) and the other i've dropped 2 times before to avoid failing (calculus). the subject areas might give more context, and my chemistry course isn't introductory. they're also notoriously very difficult, and most people end up retaking this chemistry course several times. they're both needed for my degree and a similar degree. someone in both classes (2 different people) made group chats specifically so we could help each other. at first it was a very good idea, and i myself benefitted from them, managing to get a really high mark on a math assignment because of the group chat and sharing our work/processes.

this term is the one term we have a mid-semester break, and while the details are irrelevant here, i went away during this break, and i came back in a fairly poor mental state. i didn't want to share my work anymore, and said i was uncomfortable doing so. this got me mocked (i believe, but no one's commented on it or said anything to me about it) in my math class group chat when i asked for the notes after having to leave class early due to the noise. i have misophonia, and i was incredibly close to shouting "shut the fuck up" one say when they honestly just wouldn't stop talking. it's been a problem this term in this class where several groups in the class have been chatting amongst themselves during lecture. my friend (i think we're friends?) emailed our professor (i think i was named in the email), and he addressed the class about it, but as a whole, has told me directly that there wasn't much else he could do about it since they might be talking to each other to understand better.

at this point, there's only about 3 weeks left of classes and then finals, so it's not worth dropping out, especially since i don't think i'm in danger of failing. but that was all kind of just background info. it's been a rough semester for me.

in my chemistry class, we have weekly lab reports. they aren't huge, 10+ page reports, and i can usually do them in about 2-3 hours of work total. i usually work on them in small pieces throughout the week, so i can focus on other assignments as well as lectures. they're due at the beginning of lab, and we have lab on friday afternoons. this wouldn't be an issue if not for thursdays.

at the beginning of the semester, i made myself kinda known as Someone Who Has Answers. i like to help people when they're struggling, and i know that these are difficult classes, and i have past experience taking them with these instructors specifically, so i helped in any which way i could. after our mid-semester break, i was in no mood to help anyone. but on thursday evenings and friday mornings, i would get text messages from a few people asking me about the lab report. but not just a few messages. i would get asked on EVERY BIT of the lab report. i try to be patient, as i understand hidden struggles. but i was at the end of my rope. i never snapped, and i always tried to help them, but sometimes i was very frustrated because on thursdays, i have 2 classes (doesn't sound like a lot, but at my school, my lectures are 2-3 hours long, so it's about 5 hours total of lectures) at two different campuses, so i leave at about 7:30am and get home at about 5:30-6:00pm. it's my night to clean the kitchen as well, so my patience is very thin at the end of the day. i never agreed to help them, and they are texting me. i don't know how to tell them "i'm in no mood to help" but it made me so upset to the point that i was saying that next semester, i wouldn't give my number to anyone. i'm not a tutor, and i'm struggling to stay afloat myself in these classes. i don't have all of the answers, and tbh i'm not even confident on most of my answers. i've tried to make this clear, but they still come to me for help. next semester, i'm retaking ANOTHER course that i failed (not failed, but didn't get a high enough mark to move forward) and i honestly feel like a dick for not helping when i could and should help.

this is probably a nonissue tbh. i'm on the verge of dropping out myself because i took on too much this semester and this just kinda feels like it's all more than i can handle.

What are these acronyms?

[couldawouldashoulda50]

From Completely Different Worlds

A/N - Introducing a fic idea I had after the Maple Leaf's annual Easter Seals Skate event. I decided to try and write a something I know a little bit about, having worked as a PSW several years ago. I reached out to @misshoneyimhome about the idea and she graciously agreed to collaborate with me on this fic. Together we have spun ideas and I cannot thank her enough for reading through my long ramblings and giving feedback and encouragement, all the while she's got her own life to tend to. Brief Synopsis - this is a strangers to lovers trope with William Nylander and OC Loren Girard. William and Loren meet at the Easter Seals skate and sparks fly. Loren is cautious and shy as she still suffers from the memories from her ex-boyfriend after years of exploiting her every vulnerability. William of course is the polar opposite and they each feel a strong and instant connection with their first meeting. The two are truly from completely different worlds but a deep admiration grows between them....and this is their journey. Warnings - profanity, seizure disorder Word count - 5.3k

Chapter One - The Easter Seals Skate

“Jesus Christ Loren…you’re gonna end up killing me,” Gary said, his low and gruff voice travelling up to her ears from the back of the van.  Gary’s specific speech pattern always elongated words, like an unintentional drawl, and Loren could only groan and roll her eyes as a response.

“Hey - enough out of you.  It’s either you or me, pal…. I’d like to see you try driving in this traffic.  It’s insane…” Loren retorted, nodding towards the heavily congested westbound 401 highway in Toronto.

“A three-year-old could drive better than you” Gary quipped followed by his slow but voracious laughter.

“Jeeesus Gary - cool it, I gotta listen for the directions or else I’m going to end up getting lost.  Then you can forget about getting to the arena before our session starts,” Loren warned as her brows furrowed, trying to navigate the hydraulic mobility van towards the required exit off the highway.

Gary got the message and didn’t make another peep.

Loren manoeuvred the van from Kipling Avenue through the parking lot entrance of the Ford Performance Centre where the annual Skate for Easter Seals Kids with the Maple Leafs was to take place.

Loren breathed a long sigh of relief when she saw accessible parking spots available near the entrance for the skate participants. She carefully pulled into a spot, ensuring there was enough room for the wheelchair ramp to extend from the passenger side.

Loren sat still for a moment to try and settle her nerves.  Not only did the drive from Aurora to their current location in Toronto feel like she was driving in a Formula One race at certain points, but she was also about to take one of her most treasured people to meet members of the Maple Leafs.  She was beyond excited for him to finally have his dream come true and the anticipation made her heart race and stomach flip all at once.

It was during a long double shift at the group home, where Loren worked as a support worker, when she found the fundraiser for Easter Seals.  The fundraiser would allow participants a chance to skate with members of the Maple Leaf organization, players both active and alums.

Armed with a rush of adrenaline, she sifted through the information packets on the Easter Seals website, and mentally formulated a plan to make this happen for Gary.

With permission, Loren posted excerpts of Gary’s history, including his exceedingly difficult beginnings, where several of Gary’s medical issues went undiagnosed for far too long before coming into the folds of the subsidized organization he now was with.  Loren posted pictures of Gary’s ultimate Maple Leaf fandom; his signature blue bedroom, Maple Leaf throw blanket and matching pillows, banners, pictures, hockey cards and the unlicensed and unnamed Maple Leaf Jersey he bought for himself years ago from a large discount chain store.

With the added help of Loren’s parents, the registration fee was generously covered and overall, Gary’s campaign was extremely successful with raising just over $7,500.00 for Easter Seals.  Eventually, Gary and Loren received the big news that they were selected to attend the skate with the Leafs event.

Because of the work she put in to make this happen, naturally Loren was chosen from the staff to go with Gary to the Leaf’s practice facility.  Aside from being the obvious choice, Loren could skate which made this even more exciting in Gary’s mind.

Gary could not imagine a more perfect day; his favourite worker, speeding him around on the ice and being introduced to as many Leafs players as possible.

As March inched along, Gary had Loren make a giant red ‘X” on each day that had passed off his Maple Leaf calendar which Loren bought him for Christmas.   Although Loren’s financial situation was not terribly flexible, she wanted to ensure Gary had at least a few presents to open, having no family of his own.  Loren’s family has unofficially adopted Gary and always helped Loren with gifts to give Gary for Christmas’ and birthdays.

A few days before the event, Gary was constantly asking Loren questions about the details of the day.  Every day, he asked the same questions:

Does she know how to get there?

Are her skates sharp?

How long is the drive?

What time do we leave?

Will the whole team be there?

What is she wearing?

And every day she answered him, jokingly telling him if he asks her this stuff again, she’ll have to get the duct tape out.

When March 15th finally arrived, Gary had awakened excessively early; he had been bathed, shaved and was dressed in all of his Leaf gear hours before Loren’s arrival.  He wheeled himself back and forth from one room to another all throughout the morning, trying to pass the time before Loren walked through the door.

Loren arrived well before her shift began at 10:30. The very moment she stepped through the door, Gary’s already at her to get ready to leave.

“Thought you’d never get here” Gary said in his typical teasing manner, as Loren removed her boots at the door.

Loren glanced over at Kathy, her co-worker, and shook her head, as she smirked to herself.

Kathy stepped back and crossed her arms, looking at Loren “And look at you there, Miss I’m-gonna-get-me-a-hot-hockey husband today…you with your Matthews jersey on.  Isn’t he single?  If he is, one look at you in his jersey, he may not be for long,” Kathy said with an over-pronounced wink.

“Aren’t you the one looking for a hot husband?  ‘Cause it sure ain’t me…” Loren teased back.  “I wouldn't mind meeting Nylander though - I like his game.  Oh, no, maybe not…I’d get all tongue-tied and not be able to speak - I bet he’s way too like ‘I’m the guy’”, Loren said, mimicking a snob.

“Oh - if only Shanahan was single, I’d climb him in a heartbeat.   Just to be a hot 25-year-old again…” Kathy sighed with a smile, acting overly dramatic.

“Are you talking about me?  I’m 29 and broke…that pretty much sums me up” Loren muttered, followed by a chuckle.  “And you already have a husband, anyway”.

Kathy laughed “Ahhh yes, that old lump on the couch this morning…my husband. He said he hopes you see Jake McCabe - maybe get a picture of him and send it along if you can?  Mmmmm - he’s another one I’d love to have some alone time with”, Kathy said, not quite under her breath.

“Jesus, Kathy…. go and cool off outside” Loren quipped.  “But yeah, for sure, I’ll try…all I know is that there’s two rinks and the players are split between the two, so there’s no guarantee which player will be at which rink”.

“Will you two just stop your yapping - let’s gooooo…” Gary said impatiently as he backed his wheelchair away from the kitchen table and headed toward the front door.

Kathy and Loren stand there watching Gary with their arms crossed.

“Gary, I know you can tell time.  I’m actually early…I’m not even supposed to be here right now” Loren reminded Gary, knowing he is anxious to get on the road.  “Look, I know this is important but hey - I’m the whole reason you’re getting to do this so cut me some slack, ok?  We’ll be on our way soon, I promise,” Loren said gently.

“Gary was up at 6am apparently, so Julie got him bathed at least before her shift ended,” Kathy added.  “Hopefully you’re not going to be too tired to even have any fun there, Gary”.

“Alright, listen Gary, we’ll have to take the 401 there since we can’t use the toll route - sorry buddy.  I just can’t afford the fees to take the 407 even though it would get us there faster.  We need to be there an hour before your session starts, ok?  So, I’ll get that neck pillow for you…so you can snooze on the ride down?  It might do you some good if you do,” Loren said, patting Gary’s shoulder.

Loren busied herself gathering all the supplies and wheelchair accessories that Gary would need for the afternoon.  Loren silently reminded herself repeatedly to get the anti-tip bars for his manual wheelchair that were removed previously for some unknown reason.

It’s not long before Loren has accounted for all of his medical and personal supplies packed in a backpack and hung it on the back of Gary’s chair.

As Loren washed her hands in the washroom, she took a long look in the mirror and recounted the light-hearted exchange with Kathy.

29 and broke Loren thought to herself.

29, broke, and single came the next thought.

Loren paused at the sink; her head dropped as she inhaled deeply.

29 and healthy.

Broke but a homeowner.

Single and free.

These thoughts entered her mind and quickly superseded the negativity.  This is what she chose to remind herself of when she got down on herself.

Not wanting to tempt fate - or maybe it’s just logical given Toronto traffic - Loren decided to leave 45 minutes early just to ensure they were guaranteed extra time.  After all, loading and unloading Gary from the van was nothing like the average person getting in and out of a vehicle.  Ramps had to be lowered, hydraulics had to be in working order, vehicle safety checks, and harnesses had to be fastened to multiple spots on his wheelchair and tightened to ensure his wheelchair would not shift during the ride.

It wasn't long after Loren pulled the van onto the highway to head down to Toronto, she looked in the rearview mirror to see Gary’s head leaning on his neck pillow, fast asleep.

Now that Loren had reached the arena, even though she was a bit frazzled, she shook off her anxiety. She hopped down from the driver’s seat and opened the van's side door. One by one, Loren released Gary’s wheelchair from the multiple harnesses. As she wheeled him onto the hydraulic ramp, a group of kids walking by watched as Loren lowered the ramp using the control panel.

One of the kids passing by called out how cool Gary’s van was which made him laugh, and he followed up with a wave.  Loren was relieved as in her experience, kids on the occasion had not always been kind to Gary, or others she had supported who were disadvantaged.

Loren grabbed her freshly sharpened skates, locked the van and navigated herself and Gary to the entrance, where they would be signed in for their session.

There were throngs of people everywhere, but thanks to the friendliness of the multiple coordinators and volunteers, Loren was directed to the proper stations, and eventually, the pair were cleared to enter the doors for Rink #1.  Not long after, Loren was able to find a suitable spot to change into her skates.

Gary quietly sat in his chair, taking it all in.  Loren watched his expression from time to time wondering if, given his past, how he must be truly feeling to be inside this rink, on the cusp of meeting his beloved team.  The team that was likely the only constant thing he ever had in his life.

Once Loren was ready to go, another volunteer ushered them toward the gate that would be the easiest to head out on the ice with a wheelchair.  By some small miracle, Loren and Gary were amongst the first in line, and eventually, the gate was opened, and they headed out onto the ice.

As if he was meant to do a rookie lap, Loren skated around the perimeter with Gary first, and then toward the middle of the ice as more people began to arrive.

Loren could hear Gary chuckling and a quiet “wooooo” would escape from his mouth every so often.

It was when Gary first spotted Ryan Reaves come out onto the ice that he really let his excitement show.  Ryan was followed by Morgan Rielly, Jake McCabe and John Tavares.  There were people milling about everywhere looking to get as close as possible to each of the players making an entrance.

“Holy shit, Gary - do you see them? I cannot believe you’re going to get a chance to meet them!” Loren said, leaning over his shoulder.  “Who do you want to try meet first?”

“Yeah - let’s do Reavo…” Gary said, loud enough for his voice to carry.

As Loren looked to her right, she could see Auston Matthews signing autographs from the bench along the boards.  Gary hollered “Auston Matthews” loud enough for Auston to look over and wave.

Loren found herself even more star-struck than Gary. Her cheeks, which had started as a nice rosé, now felt like they were blazing just from seeing the players she had only ever seen on TV.

Ryan looked over his shoulder as Loren and Gary approached the line to meet him.  Loren certainly stood out to Ryan as she effortlessly and gracefully skated with a wheelchair through the obstacle of people whether they were in wheelchairs, sledges, on foot, or on skates.

Ryan finished up with a small group of kids that had surrounded him and eventually made his way over to greet the pair.

“Hey - how’s it goin?  I’m Ryan,” he said, extending his large first for a bump with Gary’s.

“I’m Gary….and this is the old ball and chain,” Gary said dryly as he pointed over his shoulder.

Ryan’s laughter reverberated off the boards and the glass.

“Really Gary? Jeeeezus,” Loren laughed, extending her hand to the handsome and towering forward.  “I’m Loren, Gary’s support person”.

In mere seconds, Gary had launched into a one-man comedy routine, and teasing Loren became the main act.  Gary had always had an extremely dry sense of humour and Ryan’s boisterous laugh only further encouraged Gary’s comedic attacks on Loren.

It wasn’t long before Ryan had motioned for a few of his teammates to come over and hear his new buddy, Gary, incessantly rib his beautiful support worker, who (thankfully) seemed to be able to laugh along with Gary’s sarcastic repartee.

“Hey - Willy!” Ryan hollered, followed by a very pronounced wave for him to come over.

As Loren glanced to her left, she was not at all prepared for the immediate and intense feeling of raging butterflies in her stomach as William Nylander skated towards the group, smiling wide as he scanned the faces standing there.

“Willy, you gotta meet Gary here,” Ryan motions to Gary, and Gary extends his fist towards William for a quick touch of their fists.

“Hey Gary - nice to meet you, man”, William grinned.  He looked to Loren and introduced himself.

“Hi there, I’m Willy,” he said, flashing his usual debonaire smile.

Loren could feel the sudden pressure of blood rushing to her face.  Her brain was telling her to keep calm, which she came to realise that she was failing miserably at.

“Um, hi - yeah, I know…I’m…uh…” Loren trailed off, visibly flustered as her mind went completely blank.

5-alarm heat had risen into Loren’s neck and face, enough to elicit a layer of perspiration under her collar.

Gary batted Loren’s arm, shaking his head and scoffing at her as she tried to collect herself enough to even utter her name.

“Sorry…. Will - um, yeah…. I’m Loren, Gary’s support person” she managed to finally say, shaking William’s hand.

Fuck Loren…. good work, nice job she chastised herself in her mind.

As though Gary could read Loren’s thoughts, he muttered as he says “Good job” over shoulder to Loren, scoffing once again and chuckles as the rest of the group does the same.

“She can’t even remember her name and she gets paid to look after me”, Gary said as he continued his teasing remarks toward Loren.  “Christ, she almost killed me on the way here with her driving,” he said, a little too matter-of-factly.

The group of players erupted with laughter.

“Gary - ” Loren began to warn.

“You know what she does?  She jabs me with my insulin needle” Gary chuckles.

“Gary - I do not jab - “ Loren’s mouth dropped, and she glanced apologetically around at the group, shaking her head as she started to laugh.

Gary kept going with his chirps. “I don’t know if she’ll even be able to get me home…. she’ll get lost.  Christ, she gets lost in a parking lot”.

That did it.  Loren hung her head in defeat as Gary slapped the arm of his wheelchair laughing loudly.

More laughter from the players filled the air, along with William’s iconic giggle, as Loren smiled and nodded her head saying “Hey Gary - remember our conversation before about the duct tape?  I brought some, just in case…wanna keep testing me?”

Hearing her innocent threat and the overly dramatic eye roll from Gary made William laugh even louder.  Loren may have lost most of the verbal battles versus Gary but with that one come-back, it seemed to have the desired effect.

William found himself instantly drawn to Loren. Her classic beauty was evident, but it was her sweet and funny disposition that fascinated him. He could see she was different from most of the girls who constantly vied for his attention and affection. William admired how she interacted with Gary, noticing her kindness and genuine care. The way she handled his teasing showed how close they really were. At the very least, she seemed to have a good sense of humor.

“Hey Gary, you want me to take you for a skate?” William asked, bending down slightly to keep in Gary’s line of sight.  Turning to Loren, William asked if she would like to join them for a few laps around the ice.

Before Loren could respond, Gary interjected with “Yeah, she’d like that.  She thinks you’re cute…”.

Loren drops her face into her hands from sheer embarrassment, while William laughed and said, “I think she might jab you again with your needle if you don’t stop teasing her there, Gary”.

A low laugh was Gary’s response.

William pushed Gary’s chair towards center ice while Loren skated beside them.  It’s not long before the trio were laughing with some light-hearted banter, thanks to Gary’s mildly sardonic commentary.

After a couple of laps around the rink, Loren realized there were so many others waiting to meet William so she offered to step in and start pushing Gary herself.

“Thank you so much for taking Gary for a little spin - we don’t want to keep you from seeing everyone else that came today, right Gary?”

As Loren leaned over Gary’s shoulder to have a glimpse at his face and make sure he heard her, Loren’s heart sank.   Gary was slightly slumped over to one side of his wheelchair and his mouth showed a very pronounced droop.

Immediately recognizing the change in Gary's behaviour, she turned to William and spoke quietly.  “I’m sorry William, I have to try and get Gary off the ice; I think he’s about to have a seizure”.

Before William had a chance to respond, Loren pushed Gary to the closest exit, by the entrance for the zamboni.

Just as Gary’s chair reached the pavement, his body began to seize.  Gary’s seizures were not new to Loren, and her experience quickly showed as she engaged his wheelchair brakes and stood in her usual position behind Gary, monitoring the time from the start of the seizure.

Ryan, Max and William stepped off the ice toward the spot where Loren was with Gary.  The men stood close by and watched as Loren spoke soothingly in Gary’s ear, softly telling him he’s ok - that he will be ok - and that she’s there with him all the way.

Concerned about their new buddy, William and Ryan stepped forward alongside Gary’s chair trying to provide some additional support.

Loren looked at the men apologetically.  “Thanks so much but it’s best if you guys stand back.  Gary could grab a hold of one of you, your hand - anything - and unknowingly hurt you…his hands are like vice-grips right now, so it’s better to stay clear.  But I really appreciate you both trying to talk to him.”

A couple volunteers at the event had been made aware of Gary’s episode, and helped the Paramedics find Loren.   The organisers swiftly offered a spot in the therapy room for Gary to recover and be examined once his seizure ended.

William watched as Loren and the Paramedics continued to monitor Gary.  He watched Loren calmly watch the clock, provide information to the Paramedics and talk to Gary without missing a beat.  As he skated off to continue signing autographs for the remainder of the session, William’s heart broke a little for Gary, having only spent 10 minutes out of the hour-long event, meeting the players in attendance.

Before long, William watched as Loren disappeared with Gary towards the locker room.  He fought the sudden and profound urge to slip his skates off and run after her.  It was an unexpected sensation for William to want to console a total stranger; yet Loren’s magnetism had already pulled him in, and all he wanted now was to be next to her.

The remainder of the session passed quickly and one by one, the players made their way into the locker room.

Loren remained by Gary’s side as he recovered after the seizure.  He was exhausted and slightly confused and found it difficult to verbally engage with anyone.  Loren had her hand on his back as lay on one of the beds where the players would often receive their various treatments after practice.

Ryan and John Tavares had already made their way into the room and showed obvious worry as they spoke with Loren.

William made his way over to Loren and when she spotted him, she smiled at him warmly.

“How’s he doin’?” William asked, shooting a concerned look toward Gary.

“I think he’ll be ok now - it just takes a lot out of him so we’re letting him rest a bit more before I take him home.”

William paused, unsure if any of his questions would be considered off limits or impolite.

“Can I ask something?  How did you know - like, how could you see that it was going to happen?”

“Sometimes I just manage to catch a change in Gary’s behaviour.  I’m not always right - but given the circumstances, with where we are, meeting you guys, all the people and activity, even the lights…he went from his little comedy routine to not being able to speak or move.  It’s called an aura - a change in behaviour before the seizure takes hold,” Loren explained.

William had a million questions and was eager to ask them all, just to be with Loren as long as he possibly could.  But he second guessed whether he should, knowing that Loren had begun to look weary from the after-effects of Gary’s episode.

“Are you doing ok?” a gentle smile spanned his face.

“Me?  I am - thank you again for trying to help earlier too.  I hope I wasn’t too harsh…I just didn’t want to see you, Gary or anyone else get hurt.” Loren said apologetically.

Before William could respond, two members of the event committee for both MLSE and Easter Seals approached Loren and William and apologised for interrupting.

“Hi, I’m Thom Comrie and this is Natalie Singh - we helped organise the event.” Thom said as he shook Loren’s and William’s hand.  “Gary brought in one of the highest totals for this fundraiser, and we were so sorry to hear he missed most of the skate.  We were hoping to get some more information about Gary before you leave?”

Loren glanced at William and thanked him for coming to check on Gary.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you before you go,” William said and reluctantly walked towards his stall in the adjoining locker room.

“Willy - Willy-um - Villi-um….how’s it goin’...I haven’t had a chance to talk to you since we’ve been here.” Mitch said as he changed his t-shirt.

“Hey Mitchy - buddy…it’s good, I think…goin good,” William chuckled.

“So what was going on there - you took that guy out for a skate and then next thing I know, he’s gone.  And….who’s the girl with him?” Mitch said under his breath, looking to see if there was anyone else around.

“The guy’s name’s Gary and right after I took him around the ice a couple of times, Loren - the girl…his support girl - you know - saw that something wasn’t right, and he ended up having a seizure.” William explained quietly.

“Shit, really? Awh…that’s too bad…I heard some of the guys saying he was cracking everyone up by chirping…what’s her name again?” Mitch said.

“Looor-eeennn - Jesus Mitch, you have the worst memory sometimes,” William teased.

“Fuck you dude - look who’s talking…saying I have a terrible memory when you’re the one that leaves shit behind everywhere we go,” Mitch laughed. “You’re forever on fucking - what - TikTok using the Find my Phone feature because you lost your fucking phone…again…” Mitch continued ribbing William.

“Ah yeah, ok - whatever buddy,” William smiled as he messed with Mitch’s hair.

Max and Auston walk from the kitchen area to the locker room, arguing about some nonsense.

“So, what’s the verdict fellas - you wanna meet at Mitchy’s restaurant for 8:00?  Give Willy some extra naptime?” Max laughs, giving William a wink and a nudge.

“Yeah, he might need it if one of those waitresses from last time wears him down to take them home.  Actually both girls were making a play for him so yeah…tag team situation for sure”, Auston smiles at his long-time friend and teammate.

William just laughed along with the rest of the boys, but truth be told, he hoped neither were working.  Both waitresses were blatantly fawning all over William the last time he was at Mitch’s newly opened restaurant, so much so that once the bill was settled, he swiftly disappeared through a back exit.

After Auston and Mitch departed, Max stayed behind with William.

“Hey, uh…what happened to Gary?  Fuck he was funny cracking off on his caregiver.  Imagine her looking after you every day - she’s fucking stunning”, Max said, smiling and wide-eyed as he looked at William.

“They’re still here - in the therapy room.  I was just about to go back there to say goodbye,” William nodded his head towards the doorway.  “You coming in?”.

Max motioned for William to lead the way.  As they entered the adjacent room, they watched Loren slowly and carefully transition Gary from the bed to his wheelchair.  Gary’s body was extremely stiff and weak, and Loren ensured she was fully stabilised as she had to bear most of his body weight.

Loren quietly talked to Gary as she fastened him into his chair and reassured him that they would be home soon, and he could rest some more before dinner.

“How ya’ doin’ Gary?” Max said, trying to sound upbeat.

Gary could only muster a quiet “okay”.

Loren smiled at the players and thanked them again for their concern.  She was pleasantly surprised that either of the men thought to drop by before they left.

Despite feeling like she made an ass of herself in front of William during her introduction, she had long filed that moment in the back of her head. In its place, she had felt a certain kind of comfort in his company during the short skate they had together.  He was just easy.  Easy to talk with.  Most certainly easy to look at.

Max kneeled beside Gary’s chair. “I’ve gotta take off.  Gary, buddy…feel better, ok?  It was great meeting you and I hope to see you sometime soon, ok?  Maybe get the old ball and chain to bring you back down to see us again?”  Max turned toward Loren and grinned, giving her a hug.  “So sorry you guys missed out on today. Maybe the organisation will do something for you guys.”.

Loren was totally overwhelmed with appreciation.  “I think they’re working on something – but you all have been incredible; I am just blown away by all of the care and concern you guys showed.”

“Well, I’m glad they’re looking into it. I better be off – Loren, take care…hope to see you again.  Willy - see you later, pal,” Max said as he patted William on his shoulder.

Loren turned to William.  “I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate everything you did for him today.  It really means the world to Gary; you made his whole decade by taking him out for that skate.”

William smiled and looked toward the ground as he blushed.

“It was no problem, honestly.  You two are pretty funny when Gary gets going with his jokes,” William chuckled.

“Like an old married couple, eh Gare?” Loren said as she placed her hands on Gary’s shoulders.

William paused as he glanced at Loren and then Gary.

“Hey, well…listen, I would love to know that you got home ok…here, I’ll give you my number,” William said, and he stepped forward to show Loren his phone screen.

Loren’s stomach flipped.

His number??  Loren screamed inside her mind.

Once again, she felt she failed miserably at keeping her composure, and her hand shook a little as she typed in the digits into her phone.

Loren could feel the heat rising in her face, but nevertheless she managed to speak.  “For sure, I’ll let you know that we got home ok.  Thanks again, William.  It was so nice meeting you.”

William opened his arms for a hug and as Loren hugged him back, she couldn’t help making mental notes so she could always return to that moment in her memory.  She tried to memorize everything. Where his hands were placed on her body as he briefly held her. His scent which was so dizzying and delicious that it made her feel weak in the knees.  The few seconds Loren spent in William’s arms, triggered something inside of her that she could not quite place.  She spent the entire drive home racking her brain trying to figure it out.  With the Friday afternoon commute fully underway, Loren was grateful for the distraction trying to pinpoint that sensation she felt when William hugged her.

Eventually, Loren’s mind drifted to the other interactions with the players and personnel throughout the afternoon and she felt a mix of being drained and exhilarated at the same time. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that it was definitely an unusual afternoon.

She could hardly wait to pull into her own driveway at her own house, draw a hot bath, change into her comfortable clothes and sit back with a glass of wine. Until then, she allowed her mind to rewind and replay every moment she spent in the Swedish superstar’s presence before she snapped back to reality knowing that she’s never going to see him again.