#bc ADHD and I can’t just watch one show anymore before I get bored

[fluffyllamas-23]

I’m finally watching “Good Omens” because I keep seeing gif sets and text posts and wanna know what the cool kids are talking about

[fbfh]

magnus chase relationship and intimacy hcs

I genuinely found zero magnus hcs and it made me really sad

Also might not be as in character as my hoo posts cause I haven’t finished the series my library is closed don’t come for me-

As with all steamy/nsfw works, all characters are aged up to 18+

Warnings: moderate descriptions of ptsd symptoms and emotional recovery,, also like boinking and dicks obvs

1.6k words uwu

‘,:)

So he absolutely definitely has ptsd 

I don’t remember norse demigods being mentioned as having adhd and dyslexia so correct me if I’m wrong lol

I mean his mom was brutally murdered, he was fucking homeless, then he was killed and taken to valhalla

So yeah

Ptsd

He’s really defensive and jumpy at physical contact for a while

But he’s also incredibly touch starved

He’s super whipped for you

So it makes him really frustrated when he wants to be affectionate and vulnerable with you but he just,,, can’t

He has a lot of emotional walls up too for obvious reasons

You have to have really clear communication with him 

Which you do,, and he appreciates it a lot

You baby step into affection and intimacy

And let him take the lead a lot

It takes a while

But after a bit he gets these bursts of affection where he’ll cuddle and make out with you for like

Five minutes or less

Then it starts to feel weird again

You try to do small stuff like hand holding or blowing him a kiss or putting your head on his shoulder to help melt that ice

And it works

It goes from feeling weird, to weird but nice, to nice but kind of weird, to nice enough to ignore the weird part

As soon as he can be,,, he is an affectionate fiend

He likes to bear hug you a lot

He keeps a hand on your cheek or jaw line or the back of your neck when you kiss a lot

He still gets a little weird about his back or stomach or neck being touched which you totally understand 

So you kiss his shoulders and collarbones and run your hands over his chest and arms a lot

Once he had a really bad dream and couldn’t sleep cause he didn’t feel safe bc

~‧₊˚; *‧.₊˚ flashbacks fucking suuuuuuck ~‧₊˚; *‧.₊˚

So you played some home renovation show and spooned him and whispered

“It’s okay, I’ve got your back”

He didn’t have anymore nightmares that night

He really likes back hugs after that, as long as he knows it’s you behind him

He gives really nice kisses

It’s like a big full kiss

Idk how else to describe it but it’s very unique to him

He’s super protective over you still in a healthy way

He’s super fuckin pansexual and you can pry that from my cold dead hands

So he has a lot of hoodies and denim jackets

And bracelet stacks and weird dad thrift store shirts

And you can get him more of these things no matter how many he has and he will love it an equal amount 

Which is a lot

He gets kind of insecure and feels bad about all his weird symptoms bc he minimizes what he’s been through a lot

It’s kind of a why can’t I just get over it and be normal feeling

You remind him a lot that it’s okay and his feelings and experiences are valid and he’s safe now

He needs to hear that a lot

Once a lot of that ice has been broken he gets really touchy really fast

You two were just like

Chilling on the couch watching a movie or something

And he nuzzles into your side to cuddle

So you lay down a little more and he rests his head on your chest

You keep watching the movie like that for a while 

He props himself up and just kind of looks at you for a minute

He can’t remember feeling this warm before he met you

And now he feels really really warm 

And tingly

You’re about to look over and ask if he’s alright when he just 

Presses his face into your neck and starts kissing you

You let out this breathy flustred little laugh he’s never heard before and he wants to make you make that sound again

He kisses up to your face and his hair is all in his eyes

So you brush it out of the way and tuck it behind his ear and his face nuzzles into your hand

He bites back a moan

You end up making out a lot

Which leads to,, other things

You don’t question it or ask where that came from

You just give him a lot of love and reassurance

Once he feels comfortable,,,, I hope you’re ready bitch

Cause you’ll be under him

And on top of him

A lot

Like a lot lot

He doesn’t have a lot of experience so he likes it when you take the lead

Big fan of showering together

I almost fucking forgot

He thinks you look hot in everthing obvs

But if you wear his boxers 

He goes apeshit

If you wear bras he likes the unlined sheer ones best on you

He also thinks you look really nice in boyshorts and cheekies

Esp the invisible microfiber ones

He likes how soft they are and how they just kind of seamlessly glide over your hips

If you play with his hair he practically starts purring

If you tug it really gently he moans

Just thought you should know that

Things get really intense in a good way with him

He gets very caught up in the heat of the moment

Has broken the bed before

And would do it again

Blitz and hearth almost walked in on you two cause they heard a loud crack and thought someone broke in

It was a very very close call

You laughed about it a lot later

He also likes things to be really soft and fluffy

So sleepy morning sex is definitely in his vocabulary

When he gets more comfortable he loves when you rest your head on his tummy and he can play with your hair and touch your shoulders

He also likes when you have your hand resting on his lower back

He finds it really grounding

Gives a lot of back hugs

Sometimes his head is resting on your head or shoulders

Sometimes he’s sucking on your neck

Just kinda depends yk

Really really likes it when you straddle him

Esp when you play with the hem of his clothes

You really really like to straddle him too

It’s a nice seat if you get what I’m sayin

Kind of wants to have shower sex with you but is also really scared of slipping and getting hurt

Settles for romantic bubble baths instead

Kind of stubbly, esp in the morning

It’s really cute

But kind of ouchie on more,,, sensitive areas

He’s usually fine staying a little stubbly, unless he’s planning to surprise you

You get a little excited when you see him shaving extra carefully

He sees you staring and just kind of looks you up and down and winks

Alksdjafskfja 

He likes having his hair longer

So do you

So you show him different ways to do little buns and stuff to keep it out of his face and stop it from getting tangled when he sleeps

Ngl you haven’t lived until you’ve seen magnus hard in his boxers kneeling over you hastily throwing up his hair so you can have some fun

That image is thankfully burned into your retinas for all eternity 

You get palpitations thinking about it

You’re the only one allowed to play with his hair or call him maggie/mags

He sometimes borrows your scrunchies and it’s really really cute

You end up with this little routine of swapping them when they stop smelling like the other person

If you don’t wear scrunchies you get him some and he thinks it’s adorable

You also steal them and swap them out when they don’t smell like him anymore

He loves having picnics outside with you

Especially to go stargazing

Yeah rooftop picnics are a thing

Plus people can’t really see what you’re doing and no one really goes up there so uh

As long as you can stay quiet you’re never bored

Sometimes when you’re stargazing his hand will just kind of gradually go from resting on your hip to wrapping his arms around you and having you lean against his chest

You sometimes raid the fridge together in the middle of the night

You took him to mcdonalds at like 2am once

It was not the last time that happened

Totally the type to love getting matching pj bottoms with you

Really loves it when you hold his hand with both of yours

It makes him feel really loved and masculine in a good healthy way and generally good

On days when he just Needs a Distraction you try any hobby or activity you can get your hands on

His favorites so far are painting each others nails, random online flash games like papa’s, finding the best climbing trees (weather permitting), and binge watching and reviewing the weirdest shows and movies you can find

Including but not limited to flava of love, josie and the pussycats in outer space, lightning point, and clone high

The movies are usually really low budget, or questionable teen romance movies like twilight, sierra burgess is a loser, the kissing booth etc. 

You still quote clone high to this day

He’s very excited for the reboot me too, magnus, me too

Doesn’t stop clowning on TJ bc of it

TJ has no fucking idea what he’s talking about 

“For the last time Magnus, I’m just named after him. I’m not a clone. I don’t know John Kennedy or Abraham Lincoln, and how could I possibly know Cleopatra??? Where are you getting this from, you understood this like a week ago-”

He really likes just kind of hugging you from behind and smooching wherever he can and swaying back and forth

Tells you he loves you a lot

Really really grateful you’re in his life

Does everything he possibly can to be the best boyfriend

Cause you deserve it

Did i mention he loves you a lot lot lot

Cause he really does

Treat him right, give him a lot of love 

He also blushes really easily shhh

[yikesharringrove]

Hello! i don’t think i’ve given you any of my weird headcanons in a hot minute so here’s a new favorite! Steve with ADHD, at first nobody notices it, he gets along well enough as a young kid people just think he has an active imagination, when in real it y he just can’t pay attention. He’s in 5th grade when his teacher pulls him out of class and tells him he needs to start paying attention, Steve almost starts crying as he tries to explain to her that he just can’t, that it doesn’t work (pt.1)

(pt.2) so the teacher tells him to stay back after class that day, he totally forgets and almost ends up leaving just further probing her suspicions. She asks him to extol in what he means, he doesn’t know what to say, says that too many things are happening for him to pay attention in class, and that sometimes if he hears another teacher he’ll end up listening to that, or if he can look out a window he’ll get distracted, and she already knows what’s going on, calls his parents for a meeting

(pt.3) So his mom comes in, his dad “could make it” but that works out for steve because his mom actually gets him tested, and his test comes back positive so he has to take meds now and sure his grades aren’t the best but they are so much better and he can actually sit in class and focus, but randomly in his sophomore year tommy finds the pills and makes fun of him and he gets so embarrassed that he just stops taking them, and his grades drop bad and he can’t focus and he feels like shit 

(pt.4) he goes around like that for a while feeling lost and distracted but refusing to take his meds and be lame, he only starts taking them again after nancy breaks up with him because he needs to focus on something that isn’t the break up, but they aren’t working well which is to be expected he hasn’t taken them in more then a year, so he ends up totally freaking out and that’s how billy finds him, sitting on the bathroom floor with the WORST headache he’s ever had and he takes pity on him

(pt.5) billy and steve were kind of friends after the fight they had talked and worked things out, not super close but enough to not be so weird around each other anymore, so billy takes him home and makes sure he gets new meds and makes sure he keeps taking them and on days when he can tell steve is space and distracted and clearly forgot he’ll drive to his house and make him take them, and steve will bitch and moan but he actually loves that someone cares enough to make sure he’s ok

(optional pt.6) billy realizing he really likes steve when steve is talking about a special interest and getting super happy and he just can’t help but feel in love with him (is this totally based off my expletive with adhd? yes it is! is this the exact way my hug said she realized she love me? yes it is 🥰)

Hi! I have another one of your AMAZING headcanons in my drafts still, I’m working on it I’m sorry I’m the slowest writer ever.

So, I think I’ve said this, but ADHD makes A LOT of sense for Steve. I don’t have ADHD, so I’m sorry if this is in accurate, I did some research, didn’t want this to be like, bad.

Also, I put him on Ritalin for timing purposes and bc it can cause panic attacks. 🤷‍♀️ and his favorite animals are giraffes, goats and lobsters, 3 of my favorite animals.

Read on ao3

When Steve was little, he could never focus on something for longer than ten minutes.

He would be running through the house, leaving toys on the ground when he remembered a game he could play in another room. His nannies would roll their eyes, picking up after him.

When he got to school, it was more of the same. He would get distracted by every bird that he could see outside. He would be in the middle of class, the teacher would say something about giraffes and his mind would race about animals, would think about every country in Africa he could name, would think about whether or not Lithuania was in Africa.

His grades would slip, tests were a nightmare when he got caught up watching a bee buzzing near the window, only to realize he had answered three questions and only had eleven minutes left.

He was always a poor student, until fifth grade.

Mrs. Wilson had called him up after class, had noticed him zoning out and was about to chide him when she noticed the tears in his eyes.

“I just, I don’t know what happens, sometimes, my thoughts go too fast for my own brain and I can’t focus.” He was sniffling across from her.

“Steve, I’m going to have a chat with your parents. You’re not in trouble, but I think we can help you.” She smiled as she pat his shoulder, letting himself get collected before going to his next class.

She called his parents in at the end of the day, his mother sitting in the seat next to Steve, the principal joining them.

“I’ve noticed some trends in Steve’s school work and his presence in class. We think it may be in his best interest to test him for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. We feel that pinpointing the problem for him may be more helpful moving forward.

Mrs. Harrington agreed, waved her hand in a way that said she was bored of the conversation. Steve spent the whole next Saturday going through various tests, was wrung dry by the end of the day, but left with a clear diagnosis.

He began taking a low does of Ritalin, began focusing in class. His grades skyrocketed, getting the very first B+ he had ever gotten on his English essay.

He was okay until sophomore year.

He was an okay student, could focus in class, but not necessarily retain or understand the information.

But then Tommy found the pills, had laughed at him and called him retarded, the word that had haunted him his whole life, spat at him by the father that didn’t care about him.

So he flushed the pills, never refilled his prescription.

His grades slipped immediately. He wasn’t able to focus in class, had gone back to the days of staring out the window and getting confused about why it was called a square root.

He was constantly moving, would bounce his leg, would tap his pencil, would sometimes take the hall pass and just walk.

He knows taking his meds would fix the problem, but he had Nancy know, didn’t want her to know this weakness of his, this shameful secret.

But then he didn’t have Nancy, and his thoughts were racing, jumping from Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to demodog to Barb to Billy to his dad to Nancy to-

He broke down February of senior year.

Graduation was soon as Steve’s grades were ass. He needed to focus on something that wasn’t Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad. So he filled his old prescription, took the same does he had two years ago and went to school.

When he was first put on the meds, he was told panic attacks and anxiety could be a side effect. He had never experienced that before, but now, now he lived in constant anxiety, and with his Ritalin, he was a mess.

He had locked himself in the bathroom above the gym, the one nobody uses. He was on the floor, trying to ground himself against the wall, trying to think of anything other than Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, Barb, Billy, his dad, Nancy, demodog, demodog, demodog, demodog-

“Pretty Boy?”

Billy was in front of him, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Steve.

“B-Billy?”

“You okay? You’re kinda, kinda losin’ it.”

“I, I went off my meds for a, a few years, and I put myself back on them, and it’s, I, I know it’s lame, but they usually help and now-” he sobbed as Billy pulled him into his chest, soothing him softly.

“What meds?”

“Ritalin. It’s for, for ADHD.” Billy huffed a laugh.

“I fuckin’ knew it. The way you talk a mile a damn minute.” Steve’s heart sank. “And it’s not lame. Some peoples’ brains are just, wired different.”

Steve was starting to calm down, the anxiety shoving over into a raging headache. He groaned into Billy’s shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“Head hurts.”

“Want me to take you home.” Steve just nodded, his eyes squeezed shut. Billy drove him home, sat with him while Steve called his doctor, made an appointment for next weekend.

Steve had gotten a new medication, adjusted to his current state. The new meds were like magic, allowing Steve to focus when he needed, wouldn’t let him fall into hyperfocus on something that wasn’t productive. He finished senior year on a good note, with okay-enough grades to score his diploma.

He spent the summer at Scoops, working alongside Robin.

Billy came in every day. Would sit with him on Steve’s break. On the days Steve seemed more spaced, he would marrow his eyes, would say you didn’t take your meds today, would drive to Steve’s house to get them for him, would make sure he took them, would take drinks out of Steve’s hands at parties, would make sure he wouldn’t do anything to interfere with them, would dread the days he would find Steve nauseous from the meds.

Bonus:

Steve realized he was in love with Billy when he found out Billy starting keeping a small store of Steve’s meds in his car, would update them periodically to make sure they were safe, effective.

Billy realized he was in love with Steve when he was talking about every animal he could name. He showed Billy the small library of books he had bought for himself about animals, could explain the difference between kingdom, class, phylum, and genus. Was throwing out Latin names for his favorite animals, giraffa camelopardalis, capra aegagrus hircus, nephropidae. Billy couldn’t help himself, had just leaned over and kissed him, left Steve giggling as they made out.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #388

“i wanna stay inside all day  /  i want the world to go away  /  i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake  /  i wanna be a real fake”

Name three people who you'll never forget: I doubt I'd forget Jason even if, God forbid, I had dementia. That's trauma for ya. I HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY doubt I could EVER forget my mom, either. In many different ways, she's literally kept me alive and has done so, so much for me. Then there's also Sara, whose friendship with me matches no one else I've been friends with. Have you ever been told you are fake? No. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy, my dog. Do you like pineapple? I do. When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with? I know this sounds seriously depressing, but that's... pretty much every day. My life is just currently such a drag that being awake bores me senseless. But it's funny, because then some nights I stay up late for like... no reason. My existence alone is confusing. Is there any specific number that has any significance to you? No. Do you remember much from high school? I remember a lot from high school. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Isn't there a black sand beach in Iceland or something? Take me there, man. I'd also love to go to the Bahamas, but ew humidity and also I'm afraid of the Bermuda Triangle lmfao. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? The big piece I want to get on my left upper arm; it's called "Denialism" by NukeRooster on deviantART. I got her permission forever ago to get it tattooed. Do you have any alarms set? What time and what for? Not currently. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? Ham pieces and cheese. Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit aren't getting my business. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes. Most notably a video game I LOOOOVED as a kid. I was mad salty and still am lmao. Do you vent a lot on social media? God no, not anymore after embarrassing the everliving FUCK out of myself with a suicide note. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I don't pay any bills bc unemployed. .-. Do you watch ASMR videos? No. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? The Trevor Project. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. A psychiatrist I had in middle school thought I had ADHD, which was ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. Most recently, my long-time bipolar 2 diagnosis has been questioned, but I do think I have it. I think. Does it bother you when others don’t share the same religious beliefs as you? No? Freedom of religion is a thing. What was your last argument about? Ummmm... I don't remember. Probably something with Mom. Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No. Somehow. You'd think all the stress would have me pure gray by now, lol. What are the names of all the pets you’ve had? Dude, I've had WAY too many for this. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a cosmetic or skincare product? *shrug* Who was the last person that invited you to go somewhere? Did you accept? Mom invited me to come with her to Nicole's to get out of the house because at the time our A/C was still out. I didn't want to go, even though damn did I suffer, haha. What was the last food item that you toasted, other than bread? That's... a great question. I don't know if I toast anything other than bread. Have you ever named any of your pets after a cartoon character? I remember I had a cat named Taz when I was younger. What was the last thing that someone else recommended, or suggested you try? My TMS doctor is like SUPER friendly and makes the treatment go by so fast (it's exactly 22 minutes and 30 seconds; don't ask why), and recently she was fangirling to Mom and me about the show Once Upon a Time, haha. I saw very little of it with Jason, but Mom did check it out. When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind? I have zero idea. When was the last time you ate a bowl of ice-cream? What flavour? Oh wow, it's been a long time. It was probably vanilla with chocolate syrup? If you menstruate, has your cycle ever synced with anyone close to you? Yes. Tell me something positive about the town or city that you live in. ... You said "positive," right? Did your parents have high expectations for you to excel in school and go to college/university? Yes. They were pretty serious about going to college when my sisters and I were younger, but they opened up to the concept that maybe it wasn't for all of us (coughmecough). Are you a polite person? I genuinely think I am. I definitely try to be. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything with your partner felt natural and effortless? Sigh. Yeah. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything was difficult and rocky? No. That's not the kind I'd stay in very long at all. I mean yes, there are always bumps, but there comes a point where you gotta say fuck nah and find something better. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Other than keeping age gaps in mind, no. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? My childhood home was suburban, but leaned towards rural. We were on the very edge of the town. Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? After seeing my mother suffer from borderline stage 4 ovarian cancer, I've gotta say cancer. My mother is the strongest person I know and yet she cried so frequently from chemotherapy. It broke my fucking heart. The person I copied the survey from mentioned especially childhood cancers, and I have to agree. Like just... why. "Everything happens for a reason." Bull. Fucking. Shit. Just TRY and convince me why a young child has to deal with CANCER. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I still don't have my license, as I've said in many a survey before. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Being on the computer too much. What is your biological sex? Female. Do you use online dating? Or do you use another method for finding dates? Nah. I'm at the point in my life where I wanna let love just find me and not actively search for it. What is the oldest gaming console you own? We MIGHT still have our old Atari? If not, it'd be a GameBoy Advance. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? Just British. Do you think you'll ever manage to do everything you want to? No. But then again, I think that sounds pretty realistic? I doubt most people check off everything on their bucket list. What do you fear most? Probably becoming truly homeless, living on the streets. Do you wear shoes around the house? No. Are you a good driver? If you can't drive yet, do you think you'll be good? I mean, I'm not the worst in the world. My mom's always pointed out though that I ride on the brakes (which I do out of fear) and I tend to speed up and slow down quite a bit. I also stop kinda abruptly sometimes. What is/was your favorite thing about school? Seeing friends. What are you most likely to spend money on? My own personal money, tattoos, lol. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? @_@ Do you hate how, when the public like a celebrity, they overpublicize them? I feel bad for them, more than anything. You breathe wrong and suddenly it's news-worthy. It's like your every inconsequential action is under heavy surveillance and judgment, and it seems so unfair. Have you ever became attracted to someone you weren’t at first because their personality made you find them physically attractive? That was Jason for me. I never thought he was ugly, but regardless, he became THE most attractive man in the world to me. Have you ever worked in retail? Yes. -_- Are you even a little bit racist? Nah man, it's 2021, baby. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? I was all about the swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? I don't know or care, honestly. A gamma ray or whatever they're called could incinerate us all tomorrow. A black hole could swallow the earth in an hour. We don't know. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Is your Christmas tree faux or real? If faux, what color? We use a fake green one. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yes; it's the first part I eat. Which body type would you say you had? Did you know whales can survive on land? :^) Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! I used to LOVE doing that with Dad as a kid when the field across our house wasn't in use (tobacco was grown there). What’s your preferred flavour of jam? I just like grape. What kind of animal did you last pet? My cat! Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: I massively admire Jeffree Star's work ethic. Do you prefer to shave or wax? Shave. I used to wax my eyebrows, but now I just don't care. Would you ever have sex in a public place? Uh, no. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Your favourite pasta dish: Just your normal spaghetti with meatballs. Strangest thing you’ve ever seen? Probably what I'm assuming was a star (but it was green???) flickering and then fizzling out of the sky kind of like some sort of backwards firework. I'd been watching it literally grow over a few nights, so when this happened, it was a big "?????? the fuck??????". It honestly scared me for some reason so I went inside after that. Aliens? I say aliens. Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Has anybody ever called you a bastard? I don't think so. Who is the last person you ignored? uhhhhhhh Would you wear feathers in your hair? So actually, for my first prom, I wanted to wear a blue jay feather I had in my hair, reason being Jason's nickname from his parents was always "J Bird." It ended up not working out because we couldn't make it look natural with what we had. When was the last time you were well and truly scared? Hm. Favourite member of your favourite band: Ozzy, obviously, haha. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one.

[lvllns]

otp tag!

oh holy shit this was a whole thing. i was tagged by @rosebarsoap​, @solasan​, @impossible-rat-babies​, and i’m sure others but my activity feed is a disaster i’m sorry if i missed u. thank y’all for the tags!!

pretty sure everyone has been tagged at this point? i can’t keep track anymore, my brain is mush. if you wanna do this, you’re tagged now!

DISAGREEMENTS. Who is more likely to raise their voice?: Neither of them. At most, they get a hard edge to their voice or speak in clipped tones. It's always about risks being taken.

Who threatens to leave but never actually does?: NEITHER OF THEM. There is no way Sparrow or Mason would ever do that.

Who actually keeps their word and leaves?: NOBODY LEAVES.

Who trashes the house?: Who the fuck? NEITHER OF THEM!

Do either of them get physical?: NO.

How often do they argue/disagree?: Very, very, very, rarely. It's always about, like, one of them just fuckin doing something and getting injured or being put in danger and the other panicking about it. Or the two of them ignoring the other one telling them to save somebody else and instead saving each other. LISTEN.

Who is the first to apologize?: They both do, like in the middle of whatever they're talking about. It's always like "I'm sorry but I'd do it again" and the other person just "I know and I love you but I think you shaved 5 years off my life."

SEX. Who is on top? Who is on bottom?: This changes every single time.

Any kinks?: Sparrow is with a vampire. You get one guess. A lot of it is Sparrow.......uh, learning things about themself as this goes so like. They discover they're into choking when Mason puts his hand on their neck one time. Ya know. Absolutely into praise as well.

Who has the strangest desires?: I don't know that either of them really want anything considered strange??? I mean, Sparrow wants him to bite them but I feel like Mason would be onboard so.

Who’s dominant in bed?: Mason probably more often than Sparrow, though it definitely flip flops depending. I feel like once Sparrow is more confident, they'd be more up for taking the lead.

Is head ever in the equation?: Of fucking course it is.

If so, who is better at performing it?: Mason for sure.

Ever had sex in public?: They fucked in a haunted house at a carnival.

Who moans the most?: They're both pretty quiet I think, each of them takes great pride in making the other get vocal. A lot of like, soft moans and grunts and whispers.

Who leaves the most marks?: Mason on Sparrow, bc his whack ass healing makes it impossible for Sparrow to leave marks on him, even though they try.

Who is the more experienced of the two?: Mason for sure. Sparrow hasn't........had a lot of experience.

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?: They make love baby. Even when it gets rougher, it’s never really fucking. Well, okay, wait, maybe they fucked in the haunted house....that’s not exactly.....an environment conducive to love making.

How long do they usually last?: A...av....average? I don't know enough about sex for this section.

Rough or soft?: Soft most of the time.

Is protection used?: Like 99% of the time, yeah.

Does it ever get boring?: Lol no. Mason is Mason and Sparrow is always up for an adventure or a challenge.

Where is the strangest place they’d have sex?: THEY. FUCKED. IN. A. HAUNTED. HOUSE. AT. A. CARNIVAL.

Where did they not have sex?: I mean they probably wouldn't fuck, like, in a gas station bathroom?

FAMILY. Do they plan on having children/or have children?: This is so complicated and requires it's own post tbh. Currently, no kids and no plans for kids but it's.......yeah, it's just complicated.

If so, how many children do they want/have?: See above.

AFFECTION. Who likes to cuddle?: Oh they both do, Sparrow initiates it more though.

Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?: Fucking, both of them. Handsy mother fuckers.

Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?: BOTH OF THEM. Early in a relationship, Mason more often, but once Sparrow is comfortable? All bets are off, sorry. Don't go into the library ever.

How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?: There is no becoming uncomfortable, they both just pass out. Or Sparrow falls asleep and Mason is legally unable to move, it's like cat rules.

What is their favourite non-sexual activity?: Mason will sit and braid Sparrow's hair while they read. Sparrow likes to just sit with Mason, like leaning on each other, watching a show or talking. Just, they really just like to exist together. Also, fucking off into the woods to go camping.

Where is their favourite place to cuddle?: Literally anywhere, Sparrow is not picky and both of them are so tactile, who gives a shit.

SLEEPING. Who snores?: Neither of them.

If both do, who snores the loudest?: Listen.

Do they share a bed or sleep separately?: Oh they share a bed for sure. If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?: Sparrow clings to Mason like an octopus.

What do they wear to bed?: Nothing, they both sleep naked.

Are either of them insomniacs?: Nah. Sparrow runs fine on like 4-6 hours of sleep though.

Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?: Nope.

Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?: Sparrow likes to wrap themself around Mason but sometimes they will just lay side by side and like, hold hands.

Who wakes up with bed hair?: They both do, Sparrow's is probably worse considering it's long and slightly wavy.

Who wakes up first?: Surprisingly, Sparrow! Only because Mason will fall asleep after they've been asleep for some time already so they wake up before he does.

Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?: Sparrow is too worried about crumbs in the bed bothering Mason to even think about eating in bed.

What is their favourite sleeping position?: Mason flat on his back, Sparrow with a leg slung over his hip, arm across his chest and their head smashed against whatever part of him is nearest.

Do they set an alarm each night?: Yeah.

Who has nightmares?: They both do, though I think Sparrow is the only one who remembers them after they wake. Mason, luckily, forgets his dreams.

Can a television be found in their bedroom?: Nope, laptops can though.

Who has ridiculous dreams?: Again, both. Again, Mason forgets them while Sparrow remembers.

Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?: MASON. He just spreads out and Sparrow tucks themself against him, it works fine really.

Who makes the bed?: Mason most often because Sparrow tends to get sidetracked and forget.

What time is bed time?: When Sparrow next passes out is up to the Gods. Mason just crashes whenever he finally feels tired.

Any routines/rituals before bed?: They'll watch an episode or two of a show. Sparrow will meditate. Mason often tries to break their focus.

Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?: Probably Mason? Sparrow is an annoying morning person.

WORK. Who is the busiest?: Oh they both are. Maybe Sparrow slightly more because of the whole, working for the PD and the Agency thing.

Who rakes in the highest income?: I feel like it ends up pretty even eventually?

Are any of them unemployed?: Nah.

Who takes the most sick days?: I guess Sparrow would, though it's very rare. Mason can't get sick, bastard.

What are their jobs?: Sparrow is a detective and agency liaison. Mason is a specialist agent for the Agency.

Who sucks up to their boss?: I don't think either of them do? Sparrow is polite with the Captain but he's nice enough. They definitely don't suck up to Adam or Rebecca or whomstever is in charge of them at the Agency.

Who is more likely to turn up late to work?: Neither of them. Sparrow has Anxiety so they're always at least 10 minutes early.

Who stresses the most?: SPARROW.

Do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?: Mason enjoys what he does for sure. Sparrow.......never wanted to be doing this. At all. They definitely aren't thrilled but they do like it, it's just......not what they wanted.

Are they financially stable?: Oh yeah.

HOME. Who does the washing?: Even trade off I think.

Who takes out the trash?: Sparrow.

Who does the ironing?: Neither of them lmao

Who does the cooking?: Sparrow! Mason likes to sit on the counter and talk while they cook.

Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?: Mason lmao

Who is messier?: Even split again. Sparrow will set something down, get sidetracked, and then that book stays on the counter for five days until Mason is like "Bird you forgot your book." It's less.....intentionally messy and more just....brain going sideways.

Who leaves the toilet roll empty?: Neither of them.

Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?: BOTH OF THEM. There is a HAMPER and they both just throw their clothes on the ground like HEATHENS.

Who forgets to flush the toilet?: Fucking NEITHER OF THEM.

Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?: Nope, absolutely never happens. Sparrow's anxiety kicks in and overrides the ADHD and the keys are always in sight.

Who answers the telephone?: If it's not a work call for Sparrow, then Mason.

Who mows the lawn?: Currently, neither of them bc there is no lawn lmao.

Who does the vacuuming?: Sparrow.

Who does the groceries?: Both together because they like doing it together. Mason enjoys putting random shit in the cart and seeing if Sparrow notices.

Who takes the longest to shower?: dasjgnd they're both very quick about showers, so neither?

Who spends the most time in the bathroom?: Sparrow I guess. They're both very much like, there's no real routine. They just fiddle with their hair and go.

MISCELLANEOUS. Is money a problem?: Nah.

How many cars do they own?: Just Sparrow's ol' reliable right now.

What’s their song?: We Love Like Vampires by Sparks the Rescue. Me & You by Honne.

Do they live in the city or in the country?: Country for sure. Both of them like the quiet.

Do they own their home or do they rent?: Right now, Sparrow rents their apartment.

Do they enjoy their surroundings?: I think so, yeah. Sparrow wishes they weren't still in Wayhaven sometimes but it's fine.

What do they do when they’re away from each other?: Whatever needs to be done? There isn't like something specific they have to do if they're apart, they just go on with their day.

Where did they first meet?: Formally, Sparrow's office when Rebecca introduced the entire team.

Who spends the most money when out shopping?: Gods, both of them?

Who’s more likely to flash their assets?: Mason, I guess.

Any mental issues?: Sparrow is a whole Mess honestly, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, etc. etc.

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over?: Both of them, bastards that they are.

Who’s terrified of bugs?: Eh, neither of them.

Who kills the spiders around the house?: NOBODY. Sparrow scoops them up and puts them outside.

Do they have any fears for their future?: The inevitable "Sparrow is going to die, Mason is an immortal vampire" obviously.

Their favourite place?: Somewhere in the woods together.

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?: Mason, since, you know, he doesn't really enjoy eating food.

Who pays the bills?: They both do.

Who’s the tallest?: Mason by like 6 inches.

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?: Mason, though Sparrow will too. He just does it more often.

Who wanders around in their underwear?: Oh they both do.

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?: Sparrow, though it's rare they do.

What do they tease each other about?: Mason likes to good naturedly tease Sparrow about their bookish nature. Sparrow will squish his cheeks when he glares and grin at him.

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?: MASON. Oh Gods, Sparrow is....listen, if they aren't dressed professionally for work or going out, they're a hot mess. I'm talking like bright green hoodie, neon yellow leggings, hot pink running shoes. Like a Lisa Frank folder exploded on a human being.

Who crushed first?: Mason. It took Sparrow a bit to be like "oh it's more than thinking his face is just nice, okay."

Any alcohol or substance related problems?: Nah, Sparrow doesn't drink.

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?: Neither of them, considering the above and Mason's vampire biology.

Who swears the most?: Oh they both do. Sparrow looks sweet but they..........listen. They have the mouth of a sailor tbh. You get the two of them in a room together and let them talk and it's a mess of swearing.

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Will you ever tell the story of that person and what happened?

Technically there were 2 people, the first one was super bad and our relationship lasted for 4 years, the 2nd person only lasted about 9 months, because when she started showing signs of being abusive I gave her 1 chance to y’know, not take all her anger out on me and drop-kick me right in my insecurites again, and when she did it again without remorse I told her to please get therapy and noped out bc I literally could not deal with that again.

I actually wasn’t planning on it bc I didn’t know anyone wanted to hear it but?? I can??? Story is under the cut, be warned, it’s uh very long and kinda depressing?? and has mentions of my ED and suicidal thoughts and self harm and emotional abuse and panic attacks and all that so, ye. All the trigger warnings.

Note: I’m going to leave a few things out because I really don’t want to talk about them. But most of it’s gonna be here.

I met my first abuser online when I was 14, on a site called Quotev (basically just a writing and quiz site, I’m sure you’ve seen it around.)

Up until that point, I wrote almost every day (with the exception of writer’s block which everyone has, y’know.) I would write from 7AM till I went to bed at 9PM pretty much. I was having the time of my life. I only had mild anxiety (mostly social) and no sign of depression. But I was also home-schooled and didn’t really like interacting with people, so I had never really had friends or deep extended social experiences. In short, I was very happy, very eager to please, and very, very naive. I saw only the good in people and didn’t know any better.

My abuser was a girl, 2 years older than me, so she was 16 when we first met. She was Canadian (lmao don’t trust stereotypes.) For this story, I’m going to call her E, yeah?

So, E and I met when a complimented one of her quizzes. We started RPing (role-playing) together, in a LOTR world. Everything was great. I looked forward to talking to her, and we talked every single day. She quickly became my best friend. Since I was so eager to please and just wanted to make my favourite person happy, I would compliment her a lot and try to help her get over her insecurities. To me, she was perfect, and I wanted her to know that. I developed a crush on her, obviously.

Soon, due to some nerfs the mods had made on the site, she decided that we should move to Skype and RP via email. A few weeks after that, RPing and talking to her took up so much time I didn’t really have the time to be on the site at all anymore. I gave all my other (healthy) friends on there a stupid excuse as to why I was “taking a break” and then left without a word for 3 years. I’ll always regret that, it was a dick thing to do, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. Because I thought that’s what best friends did for each other, made them priority. Like I said, I was extremely naive.

Now that I was isolated, things started to change, very subtly. If I ever seemed to be having too much fun in an RP, she would “forget” to reply to my part, only replying to the part about her. When I got confused and asked her, she blamed it on her ADHD, and since I didn’t have it, I couldn’t exactly call her out. 

She always picked the RPs we did for the day. She always had her ideas in the RPs. If I ever suggested an RP, we would do it for about 20 minutes before she wanted to do one of hers, or she got bored, etc etc. She also LOVED Angst. I mean, an unhealthy amount of angst. She would start at LEAST 2 new RPs every day and every SINGLE one would be angsty. Every. Single. One.

She wanted to RP smut with me but back then I was very uncomfortable with it. Still, she pushed, so eventually I gave in and did it. Then I found out I actually really liked to write smut and asked her more often, but suddenly she didn’t like smut and wouldn’t do it. Because I liked it. And it was something she knew she could control me with, but I had no idea.

We - or should I say, I - would write drabbles for her, sometimes based on RPs, sometimes just ideas I had. I would write at least one (around 2 pages) for her every day, occasionally multiple drabbles a day. 99% of them were all angst btw. There’s only a limited amount of angst ideas out there but I managed. Bc I wanted her to be happy. For every, 20(???) drabbles I wrote her, she would write me one. That would be half a page long. Eventually she started saying things like “is that it?” or just wouldn’t say anything when I sent her the daily drabble, and when I asked if she’d liked it she just said “yeah” and move on to talking about what she wanted to RP for the day.

If I ever said anything she didn’t like, or annoyed her, she would just stop talking to me, completely cold shoulder, until I got frantic and started begging her to talk to me again and I would write something for her to make up for it.

If I actually gathered all my courage to ask her if she could write me something, she would yell at me and curse at me and call me selfish and tell me that I KNEW she was going through so much shit with her bad family (though now I actually doubt her family was bad at all because anything she vented about actually just sounded very petty and not the crushing stuff she made it out to be??) and her mental health and how she was TRYING. And when I apologized about 10 times she finally let it go and said that she would “put what I wanted on the list” and “try to write it” when she could. (Spoiler alert: I never got a single thing from that list. But she did write herself 15 pages of content in 2 hours and showed me all of it. So it wasn’t like she couldn’t write. She just wanted to write for herself.)

Even when she DID write me something she wouldn’t write anything I wanted, it would be angst like she liked and it would STILL somehow be about her, not me.

Almost every single day she would be having a bad day, because she knew if she told me that I would do anything she said to make her feel better. If I ever had a bad day, she would just say “that sucks” and move onto talking about RPs or herself and how she was having an even shittier day. She would be short-tempered and constantly be on the brink of shutting me out or blowing up at me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly and I had to second-guess everything I said and did because I didn’t want to upset her. If I made a mistake in an RP (bc of course we both had different ideas of how things looked or what placement things were in) she would laugh and tease me about it even when I told her it was hurtful.

At this point, I was talking to her all day, every single day. From 9AM when I got up, often till 2AM or even later because she always found a way to keep me up, either by having something bad happen or just because she “missed” me. I was exhausted and the constantly anxiety of watching everything I did and trying so hard not to get yelled at just made it worse. Literally from the SECOND I woke up, I would be hit by a wave of dread and anxiety so strong I’d feel physically sick and dry heave at the idea of eating anything. I would go out to my computer and log in and pray and pray it was going to be one of her good days. Occasionally (and I mean, once every few months) it would be, we would have a great fun day where everything was equal and if I was really lucky she would write me something (I would end up having to write her 2 or 3 things to make up for her writing 1 thing but at least I got something!) Because of how anxious I was the relief that it was going to be a good day was like an actual fucking high, which only made the fun better. Most of the time though, it wasn’t a good day, and my stomach would drop, I can’t really express to you how much fear and dread I felt on those days, anyone who has been in a similar relationship will know what I mean.

I felt so, so worthless. I wasn’t worth any effort, I wasn’t worth anything. Every good thing I tried to do was either not enough, or I ended up fucking it up and upsetting her. I deserved to be yelled at or have things taken away from me because I was the one who messed up I apologized in every other sentence for every single thing I did just to try and stave off the yelling if it irritated her. Because I felt so sick from anxiety all the time and because I wanted to have SOME form of control, I started to restrict my eating, more and more over time. Because I was constantly anxious and thus extremely physically tense, I started getting awful headaches and ended up taking pills to dull them every day. Unsurprisingly since I was taking them every day, I got addicted to the pills and whenever I didn’t take them I got migraines and felt even sicker. If I had a migraine and physically couldn’t be online bc I couldn’t see the screen, she would send me messages upon messages, sometimes getting up into the hundreds asking me where I was and why I wasn’t online.

She would always say she loved me and that I was pretty and that I was her favourite person, but when I finally, finally was done enough to tell her outright that she made me feel worthless, she just said “you’re not worthless” and then changed the subject. I should mention that we had our own kind of unspoken language with emojis and the way we wrote. For example, if she made a smiley like this :D it was genuine, but if she made it like this :) it was passive-aggressive and meant that I’d done something to annoy her and every time I saw it I would immediately start panicking and trying to think of what I could have done wrong. (I still have a jolt of panic to this day lmao embarrassing.) And if she sent no emojis at all it meant I’d really pissed her off. So when she sent the “you’re not worthless” without any emojis and immediately changed the subject, it meant that she didn’t want to hear that and that it made her really angry.

If I ever liked a fictional character and wanted to RP with them, she would make me ship them with her just so I knew they were hers and I couldn’t have them, so now I have a very hard time getting attached to canon characters.

Writing, a thing I had always loved and enjoyed more than anything in the world, the only thing I thought I was really good at, became a job - not even a job, because I had no reward. It became a chore. Something I dreaded and even hated. I didn’t want to waste energy and inspiration on writing things for my own enjoyment when I should have been writing a drabble or two for her. Sometimes I tried to write a bunch in one day so I could have a few days of blissful rest until I’d used them all up and had to start again. If I didn’t write for her, I’d get the cold silence. And since writing was my therapy and way of venting all my emotions, and I wasn’t writing anymore for those reasons, my feelings just stayed inside me and rotted. To this day, a whole year and a few months later, my writing is STILL not back on track.

NOTE: YES, THIS IS WHY I AM SO PROTECTIVE OF MY FRIENDS WITH IMAGINES BLOGS. BECAUSE THE WAY THEY DESCRIBE BEING BURNT OUT AND FEELING LIKE THEIR WRITING IS WORK IS EXACTLY HOW I FELT. AND THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL GOOD PEOPLE WITH AMAZING WRITING TALENT AND I DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME HAPPEN TO THEM.

At the end, I started thinking about killing myself. I couldn’t cut bc in summer time I had a lot of bare skin showing and so I didn’t have anywhere I could really hide cuts from my parents. My ED and the hunger pains where my only form of self harm and that just wasn’t enough anymore. So I started accumulating a stash of pills under my mattress. I was squeamish and didn’t want to die by slitting my wrists. I knew I’d need a lot of pills bc I had built up a tolerance to them so I kept steadily collecting, taking them here and there where I knew my parents wouldn’t notice (my Mum has chronic pain and takes pills regularly, which is why I had to be sneaky.)

I only got out of the relationship because I started having full-blown hyperventilating, sobbing, borderline screaming mental breakdowns out of absolutely nowhere (to them.) They finally got the truth out of me and told me that no, it wasn’t healthy, and I had to get out right now. Luckily, E wasn’t being so subtle anymore and was so confidant that she broke me she could just bluntly tell me whatever she wanted and know I would do it. So I left. Left her a good bye note on Skype and to this day I haven’t gone back on.

(Also I did find out later that she had tried to copy one of my OCs and I’m not joking when I say my vision turned red bc you can fuck with me all you want but if you look funny at my OC babies I will beat you to death with a crowbar)

I weaned myself off the pills I was taking for my headaches. I’d made a Tumblr account out of curiosity a few months before and started talking to some people, so I started spending more time on Tumblr. I started trying, bit by bit, to eat more. I went to see a therapist. But I felt even more worthless than before, because what was the point of me if I wasn’t existing to make her happy? Honestly that was how I felt. That was my thought process.

I still planned on killing myself. Wasn’t so much an if than a when. I was kind of drifting through life, idly wondering what would be the last straw that broke my back and kind of wishing it would hurry up already. I didn’t want anyone on Tumblr getting super attached to me bc I didn’t want to hurt people. I had my goodbye note written out. I waited.

This is going to sound stupid but I have heard that suicidal people’s brains don’t want to die deep down and will cling to literally anything that might keep them alive. My slap upside the head wake-up call was actually a friend’s OC: steverogershield’s Conrad. A character who was struggling a lot but trying to stay functional for a loved one. It was such a small, dumb thing, but for some reason it hit me hard that maybe I was not as worthless as I thought I was, and maybe people actually would miss me for longer than a day if I died.

Again, that’s dumb. And embarrassing. But Enna and her Conrad are the reason I’m still here so. go and thank her for my continued dumbass meme presence. 😂

The second person isn’t that involved. She obviously had some kind of anger disorder and knew it but she also??? just didn’t want to go to therapy?? like straight up just didn’t want to so she didn’t, and just expected people to put up with her mood swings and explosive temper that was fine one minute and yelling and cursing the next?? So she yelled at me once over a mistake (fair, my bad), I told her please not to do it again and instead try to tell me without yelling when I did something wrong bc of course I didn’t want to do something that upset a friend. She also seemed to be really inconsistent with her ideas and contradict herself constantly so I never knew what was the right thing to say, but that may have been a language barrier so. She lost it with me again anyway a month or so afterward and so I left. I knew my limits and I knew I couldn’t deal with that again. I still wanted to die for a little bit afterward but I knew I could weather it that time so I did and here I am. Because of my first bad relationship I now know the signs and knew EXACTLY where the second relationship was going so I could say “lmao no thank u please get help” and leave before it could too bad. I still don’t really blame this person because I know it was just a disorder and not really her fault but I do hope she got some help, she could be a really nice person in the good moments, very smart and creative and funny and kind, and with therapy I know she could have gotten better with her bad mood swings. She was also the same person who told me she had to imagine beating her cat to death when she got angry and just… if that isn’t a huge red flag idk what is.

Anyway. That’s the crux of it. woooooo. 

[chekovsphaser]

so @boyjadzia tagged me to do this super long tag game. I’m probably not gonna tag anyone because its way long but I love a good oversharing moment

tagging: no one

last text sent: “and to u”

list three favourite colours: Red, Black, Teal

what time did u wake up at today: 10:45 am

what were u doing last night at midnight: playing the Sims 4

name something you can’t wait for: I hate to be that guy but I can’t wait to be okay again

when was the last time u saw ur mother: Like two weeks ago, or last weekend on skype

one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: My mental illnesses would be gone. 

whats getting on ur nerves rn: My horrid father

favourite tv shows: STAR TREK, X files, Brooklyn 99

first best friend: My older brother definitely. 

listening to rn: random comedy playing on Netflix in the background

3 fears: Being abandoned and secretly hated by my friends, becoming homeless, being locked up like in a hospital or jail.

4 turn ons: Funny, Agrees with me on sociopolitical stuff, doesn’t need to be sexual, Aware and Good With mental illness

4 turn offs: Right-wing, boring, bossy, generally insensitive

sexual orientation: Bisexual 

senior year quote in my year book: “So long and thanks for all the fish”

first thing i notice in a person: whatever is brightest in colour? like hair or a shirt or shoes. 

shoe size: 35 or 5

eye colour: Brown

hair colour: Dark Brown

favourite item of clothing: Currently my LIGHT UP SHOES

what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: Bright pink

favourite season: I like wet season when theres a nice rain sound when you’re indoors. As for the 4-seasons thing, I guess spring - jacket weather!

how much time i spent on designing my blog: not. I just used a theme someone else made. 

the reason i joined tumblr: I wanted to enter the community of disability stuff I noticed and it just went from there

do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: my mum sends me good morning texts when she gets up, usually sometime in the afternoon bc timezones. Plus I also talk to people before falling asleep so a lot of goodnight convos 

when did i last hold hands: like a few days ago I held hands with a friend

how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: I mean, I can and have been out the door in 2 minutes flat but usually it takes at least 30 minutes to get out bed so 1 hr ish. 

have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LOL no

where am i rn: in bed

do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: rI like music at normal volume but I don’t hear very well so I guess it’s pretty loud

3 things i love: my friends, shiny things, space

how i feel rn: a little drunk. I mean im not actually drunk but i feel kind of wack

something i rlly, rlly want: mental health

3 things that upset me: mean people, drama/discourse, world suffering

what i find attractive in other ppl: Wasn’t this question already asked? Personality is everything

3 habits i have: biting stuff, drinking too much soda, sleeping weird patterns

something i fantasize abt: Entering Starfleet and going to space 

something im talented at: ~creativity~

the blog i give the most notes to: i have literally 0 idea

last person re-blogged sth from me: boyjadzia

do  i smoke/drink: Nope, neither

my favourite food: depends on my mood? sometimes white chocolate, sometimes sushi, sometimes kebab, sometimes beef? mashed potatoes?

my favourite dessert: Brigadeiros - they’re a brazilian sweet made with chocolate and butter and condensed milk

what i did yesterday: skipped first lecture, went to second lecture, grocery shopping, watched a lot of netflix, played the sims. 

number of kids i want: 0

number of siblings i have: 2

something thats constantly on my mind: That vine where the dude is playing piano in a parking lot and screaming “everybody loves shit fuck”

last person i messaged on tumblr: my buddy ryanepstein

can i drive: nope

what state or part of the world do i live in: London, UK

am i in school: 3rd year undergrad

do i get grossed out easily: yeah. like I have a lot of stuff like textures and things that gross me out so yeah

somewhere i would like to visit for a week: Really good question. I’m not a fan of travel but I’d like to go to someplace in east Asia or Oceania bc those are the 2 continents I’ve not been to

i’ll love u if: you are kind to me. That’s it. I’m a real sad person. 

last show i binge-watched: Brooklyn 99. I rewatched it for the 10th time last week. 

what words upset me the most: like slur-type words pretty much?

what words make me feel best abt myself: I have no idea? Any nice words basically. 

a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: I usually do a “I hope this turns out okay” of whatever thing I am struggling with that day

who i would switch lives with for a day: IDK. Maybe some cis dude who isn’t mentally ill just so I could see what it was like

my favourite ice cream: i dont like ice cream it’s cold and hurts my teeth. 

allergies: Mint, dairy, capsicum peppers, something that’s used in preservatives and I can’t figure out which one and it makes me throw up.

sexiest person to come to mind immediately: yeah no i can’t? I’m too tired to think?

my childhood career choice: I literally used to say “no one knows what they will be when they grow up so why bother” when I was a child. I was a sassy child. 

one of my insecurities: that I will die alone because I look like a child and that makes any potential dates uncomfortable.

how many blogs am i following: 386

how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, one tab each. One plays netflix the other is on tumblr

coke or pepsi: coke

tea or coffee: coffee but cold

movie or book: movie probably, I love a good book but unless it’s an audiobook I can’t read for long periods of time in one go because ADHD and stuff. 

a sense i would be willing to lose: smell. I have a very poor sense of smell as is (turns out it’s bc thyroid stuff), and have at several points not had any sense of smell. It really doesn’t hurt to lose at all. 

quote i live by: I do not. 

type of accessory i wear the most: JACKET, or like, spinny rinng?

last awkward situation i found myself in: I straight up asked a girl to her face what her name was because I forgot and she was like “You don’t know my name?” and I was like “I’m sorry??” and it was awkward.  turns out she was drunk but I was awkward

what time is it rn: 23:40

a song that made me cry: many songs. Recessional is probably the last one I cried at?

first song u ever sang at karaoke: At like legit karaoke it was that frigging Coldplay song the one with the ruling the world? I don’t remember the title anymore.