#bc i don't need to and i'm sick of trying to
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not to be disgusting on main but my partner does this thing when he sleeps where he has to be as close to me as possible and when i get out of bed when he's asleep i come back to him being fully on my side of the bed (often with his arm half off the bed) like he's looking for me in his sleep and i'm gonna fucking melt i'm so goddamn in love with this boy
#no i'm not explaining our relationship#bc i don't need to and i'm sick of trying to#he's mine and that's all that anyone needs to know ok#he's so fucking soft tho#i love him#i love him with my whole entire soul and being#he's so perfect#sorry im on my period and im gonna cry about him#he's everything#he's my home#he makes me so happy#genuinely honest to god in love with him he makes every single day better#i can't believe i get to wake up next to him every morning#sorry not sorry for being sappy on main#ignore this#personal rambles#my boy#not stargate
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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Zoro and Luffy live action said Zolu truthers aren't wrong and I said thanks
#the chemistry between all these cast members bro#they're all dating? real?#one piece#this is how you do casting correctly bc they ARE all in love with luffy a little bit#I'm honestly amazed by these guys fr#luffy in manga/#is the cooler luffy but live action luffy is SO CUTE I WANT TO CRY#idk what happened w my tags there#but ughhrhhhghhh I actually rly like how they've done the live action#I haven't finished yet tho busy life#I've got two episodes to go#and then I guess I'm waiting around for season two huh 😭#I'm in love with everyone so far and I love the casting choices#the costuming is a bit... I know they're trying to follow manga outfit rules but! i rly prefer the outfits they've designed just for the#live action!#i love seeing everyone changing clothes man it's sick#i want to draw fanart but I need to finish first bc I don't want to be spoiled lol#anyway I'm a zolu truther and zoro dying while luffy is being all sad and self-doubty only to wake up to console him wow my soul ascended
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Being a hater towards the ed today, shit’s super fucking dumb. What am I planning to achieve with this???? Literally like it doesn’t even go the way your ed-brain wants you to think, like you get to ur ugw and suddenly everyone is jealous & wants to look lik you. Like nah, you’ll just get pity & weird looks from strangers bc everyone can see you’re not doing well and they’ll treat you as if you’re dumber than you are (the infantilization of ed ppl is so real out there (whole another topic but in short: I hate it)), what the actual fuck am I doing this for ?????
#like I already have issues with ’’ppl don’t take me serious bc i’m a woman in stem’’-disease and like pair that up with looking#non-adult?? like that’s fucking not it#and obv my brain doesn't work the way it should when I'm restricting and that's the only thing I need truly#like I used to be smart and able to focus well and all that why tf would I take away the only thing I have going for me#but I also don't want to fucking stop so like goddamnit & fuck I can feel my brain melting a lil bit more each day <3#and I keep thinking like some weeks ago there was a clearly sick/anorexic (skinny like very much so) person out and it wasn't the ''everyon#started to look in envy as they elegantly daintily made their way past'' like it was ppl giving pitiful looks and that fucking sucks but#that's just the reality bc no one ever minds their own business#I remember in my lw (was like bmi 16) my coworkers still kept giving me that same look and the ''r u okay''s like it's not all#fun and games like you'd think it is; good for internet but not sure how it'd work in everyday ''trying to pretend to be a real life#adult who has their shit together''-way; it waters that pretension down quite a bit and I can't afford that; I'm already scrambling#so like could I stop thinking abt going to the seriously underweight bmi; a lil bit is fine bc some ppl just look like that but like ugh#i don't even know what the point is; I'm just mad at myself here like why did I get myself into this like I can't seem to get out#bc I want to but I rly don't;#I want to get worse and that fucks me up like wHY when I know I also don't want to like jesus christ ppl weren't kidding abt it feeling lik#ur brain has two diff sides fighting all the time#i hate this with all my might today yay and ironically enough I'm going to starve abt it <3 logic !!!! we love it !!!!!!!!!#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post
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There's actually nothing wrong with having both rice and noodles in a meal, Americans are just fucking weird.
#solitaretalk#i don't even think this is a west thing i think it must be an americana thing#my mom judged the shit out of me for having both noodles and rice and i'm like bitch. ur watching me starve from an illness#carbs are the most important thing for me to eat rn........... i need calories. my intake has been like 500-1000 calories a day for weeks.#fun lee fact: i resent my parents for taking care of my brother and never me but now i require them to take care of my brother and not me#bc they're frankly bad at it and even when i'm sick i get annoyed by ppl trying to do things for me#shut up. go away. stop talking to me. let me make this rice as if i don't exist in the real world
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modern au mike would be the repressed internalized homophobia harboring kind of gay that says shit like "it's not gay to kiss ur homies goodnight 🙄 that's just being a good bro" and is essentially playing gay chicken with will 24/7 which is why will never suspects anything and thinks it's totally unrequited. bc they have Always been like this . and still mike insists he's straight and who is will to say Um Actually esp when mike made a big stink abt dating his sister n also gets super defensive abt it any time they talk abt it or get anywhere even remotely close to talking abt it. hope this helps 👍
#the kind of enthusiastic ally tht makes those jokes n all of tht and after doing the gayest thing ever he's like well. i just love my gay#best friend and support him is that so wrong..... (proceeds to get jealous when someone flirts with will + comments n likes his every#selfie + actually lets will take pictures of them and post them whenever they hang out n go somewhere jsut the two of them + makes collab#playlists with will that are full of love songs tht will totally pokes fun at him about + all other Clearly Boyfriendisms stuff)#and max just Blinks at him.#with the tiktok sound and all#eventually will gets SICK of it bc a good boy a Kind and very pretty guy is actually interested in him for real and ISN'T deterred by mike#and his mikeness bc he likes him That much and will just . he's so conflicted. bc he can't do this with this new guy if he still loves#mike and still feels like... like there's this Thing between them tht's all in his head and he just. he needs to hear mike say it. he needs#to hear mike say that there's nothing here and that there will never be something here so that he can at least TRY to move on.#and mike... can't do that :( because. well. well us ee. he opens his mouth but the words don't come out bc they just Feel Wrong.#and then bada bing bada boom Gay Shit Happens#but also not rly bc they have always been gay. it's just that now it's Official. nods at u#upside down shenanigans doesn't happen in this specific au so i'm going based off of s1 and s2 mike tht is Very Clingy n Loving#mine
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I get the impression that money was a bit tight on clouds on the horizon in general, what with the uneven time put into the lumity kiss vs the hexsquads fight outside blight manner w/ the infamous cha cha slide, plus background details going wonky (like baloony hunter), but my favourite semi-wonky frames are the closeups on Hunters face when he's talking with Luz about him being a grimwalker.
bc the proportions are just. So funny to me. Why is his nose so long. Why are his eyes in the middle of his face. When did his forehead get so big. What's happening. Did I die. Is this purgatory. I unironically love this bc it reminds me that this show was made by people who were trying their best. And sometimes their best looks the Bunter Vs hexsquad fight in thanks to them and other times it looks like this
[ID: a screenshot of a close-up on Hunters face from clouds on the horizon. The placement and proportions of his face are slightly off. End ID]
(although in searching for this image I was informed that a different studio than normal animated clouds on the horizon. Which is probably at least part of the reason why there's so many bungled frames. Also probably why the cha cha slide got animated the way it did. God I love animation)
#ramblings of a lunatic#the owl house#toh#hunter toh#I'm sorry if this post seems mean i promise you I'm trying not to be this is unironically one of my favourite parts of rewatching this ep)#my thoughts on clouds on the horizon are that i like it's individual elements but it struggles to be more than the sum of its partd#*parts#mainly i think that everything is pretty strong minus. literally the ''main'' storyline of amity and her family#i think you need at least one extra scene to communicate to the audience that the relationship between al and odalia-#-is more abusive than we'd previously been led to believe. because as it stands it feels like too much of a leap between previous eps#but like. everything else about this episode is good and works#its that storyline that lets this ep down and makes it feel incongruous to me#i recognise that it's a result of the shortening and I'm not mad about it so i don't make a big stink about it#but its the reason i dont really care too much abt alador as a character. he's good when it lets me explore other characters feelings#(Darius Amity even Willow or Camilla etc)#but other than that he's just kinda there#anyway i think i mostly wanna get to the specials#im fighting the part of me telling me to just rewatch my comfort eps (asias and labyrinth runners. also ftf a lil bit) bc WE JUST DID THAT#IF I KEEP WATCHING THEM TOO MANY TIMES I'M GONNA GET SICK OF IT AND DIE#but like. i really wanna :(#being strong tho /j
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hello sorry if this is really long and tmi but besties i need some advice
#so this isnt what i usually post but#i really need advice bc i genuinely don't know how to go about this#my mom has a track record for saying really offhand things about trans people and their bodies#and at this point with the way she reacts I've learned to just... not say anything#it doesn't matter how gently I try word it I always get the 'i'm an ally and i'm trying and you *know* that i'm doing my best' response#so this weekend she said something about my cousin being 'biologically male' (they're nonbinary) and kinda shut down in the car and didn't#really say anything#she called me the day after to find out what was wrong#and i told her that she was being disrespectful about trans/nonbinary people and that this is an ongoing issue#and she took it very hard and ended the call very abruptly#she then proceeded to text me paragraphs about how good of an ally she is and how i needed to 'cut her more slack' even tho i've been doing#so for years#and she tried to call twice#and i had to set the boundary twice now of 'please don't reach out i'm not ready to talk and i want us to both step back from this and come#back to it later'#and now i'm putting the convo off because#it feels like theres nothing i can say to her that she'll understand/won't get super defensive about#at this point it feels like i've tried to address this problem as best/gently as i can and it's still isn't enough for her#i think she wants me to just forget about it but i don't want to anymore#sorry this was really long lmao#but please#any tips from my queer friends would be sick thank u#it me
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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.
#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid#and im trying really hard#im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on#the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend#and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously#it's okay it's okay it's okay#also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it#also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay#getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting#better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it#it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time#the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out#im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay
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love my housemates for unanimously being "yay go to japan!!!!! :)))" and also being like "don't tell your family until you are literally there because they don't deserve to know. power to emma"
#p#i'll tell miles obviously that boy never did me wrong#i mean i'll have to tell my family eventually bc i want to get them presents lol#tbh i also feel like they broke my trust like crazy and they need to see that i honestly don't trust them to tell them now#i'm worried i'll tell them and they'll try to talk me out of it or something#or make me feel bad for going more likely. and i'm just so fucking sick of that. it's so horseshit#all this guilt tripping and pressure to do things this very specific way it's so suffocating#and it does hurt not being able to share things with my mom but she also did this to me. like that's a fact she didn't trust ME first
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.
#This shouldn't be a surprise but seriously no one actually cares about my survival yes I've asked for help why would I get help#I'm functionally nocturnal and I keep staying up for like 48 hours and then sleeping for a day and I never know where I am#Or what day it is or if it's morning or night#Normal humans eat three meals a day and snacks right I think I maybe eat a snack every other day#I just don't feel hunger and my body hurts and cooking is so much effort I don't have#Weed used to help me be able to eat easily but now everything is just so hard and no food in house n cant go to store bc of ptsd too scary#I keep telling people when they ask that I am doing badly and need help but they as always just tell me to go to the store and buy food#Because it should be easy for a normal person!!! That would be such helpful and kind advice if I were normal#But I am not I am severely sick and traumatized and driving hurts so bad and stores give me panic attacks#Seriously if literally nobody cares about my struggling why not just be euthanized at this point?#This problem is so inconvenient to everyone and I have done all I can to convince people that I'm worth the inconvenience but :(#If I were worth talking to or visiting or helping people would have done that and I would be fine but I am not and that's okay#I genuinely don't mind being a husk at all#I'm just weirdly sad about it right now maybe because I think I feel hungry but genuinely I can't tell thanks autism#I also haven't been able to do my t shot in like three or four weeks I keep trying but I literally can't get the needle in :((#I imagine less testosterone in my system also makes me tired and lose my appetite#I'm so fucked up and nobody cares that I start my day at 8pm and am active and reply to emails and shit at 4am#Why would anyone notice that first of all but still. I would notice.#When even strangers are struggling I notice and I will do anything for anyone but it's selfish upon selfish to expect it back I understand#I keep looking for arfid and ed affirmations to help me but I can't find anything good#Genuinely . what the fuck#Just fucking need to be someone's dog feed me walk me put me in a cage teach me how to be better and treat me like I don't know shit#Because I don't I'm so stupid I can't even feed myself I'm dying please help me
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too sick to draw anything cromulent but. yk. i've been playing lots of totk and some of those shirts are so... celeste coded
#link's fashion game is off the charts in this one#you go from really cute with cut-outs shirts like froggy and frostbite#to the most insane thing you've ever seen with the mining outfit#the froggy sleeve is like what celeste would put on if someone told him to dress for a break in or something#like that's his rogue outfit#doodles#oc: celeste#im not actually sick i don't think don't worry#i think my body is just Massively overreacting to pollen#so i'm sick in that my immune system is responding and making me feel like garbage#but it's probably for no good reason#i just need to try a new allergy med bc clearly allegra isn't working for me anymore#or it is working and i am just sick#who knows#it's impossible to tell
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Think I had a breakthrough with something tonight. No I will not elaborate.
#Buuuut I wanna mention it just because it's a good thing#Just something a bit personal however I wanna celebrate that breakthrough somehow#I was going to go in to class today but my hair is a matted mess from not brushing it for a week (Brushing my hair is tiring lately.)#So I may deal with that and make myself some brownies in the morning#Then email my teacher and let him know why I'm not there when I said I'd try to be there#I need to be there at LEAST once this week. At LEAST. Preferably twice.#We're starting our drone flying and I wanna do the water drone#Merkerler speaks#(I should also mention the hair thing is not a depression thing. It just LOOKS like depression.#It's other things masking as that. But I don't even slightly suspect that I'm depressed.#I bring up no red flags on any clinical screenings I've taken at the doctor.#I'm just chronically sick and something flaring up and that + my ADHD means#Little motivation + doing things hurts or is tiring#which could cause depression. But it isn't Ive been depressed before & I know depression and it isn't that. Promise.#and I'm explaining that cuz I've gotten more comments about it lately and I want to be clear about it#bc I don't want anyone worrying about that#Maybe pray over the sickness that's actually there lol)
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway
#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random#but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me#in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really#it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be#and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day#i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people#in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english#and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family#like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life#but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it#any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time#ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!!#so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying#that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be#that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil#l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself#bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least#anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning#languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die
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I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.
#faer personal files#i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming#also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of#ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess#but i don't think that's the case#idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up#from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off#and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try#if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that#i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability#but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong#and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21#or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart#bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times.#and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!!#and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine#but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart#like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like#no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can#and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going#too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa#more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around#idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian#but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the#FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on#anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.
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