#because he's big dumb

[takeiteasyjoan]

Dewormer pills successfully administered to both cats!

[ghost-proofbaby]

can y'all please come into my humble abode and imagine something with me i don't yet have the wits to write a full fledged fic out of (yet)?

so, everyone knows how when you get a tattoo, part of the healing process is the itchy phase, right? and for obvious reasons, you can't scratch it. favored method, in my experience and fellow tatted friends, is to just give it a good old slap.

perfect. so now, with this in mind, can you imagine having gotten a large hip/ass piece, and how mortifying it would be to smack your own ass to soothe that itch? and it's just plain painful. you want your new ink to heal properly - it's gorgeous and you put a lot of time, pain, and money into that damn thing - but it just sucks.

enter best friend eddie.

he loves your new ink. thinks it's fucking sick. nearly creamed his damn pants when he found out you were doing a hip/ass tatt (because how can he ask to see it without being weird? how can he react to that without being weird when he's spent the last several years with the world's most pathetic crush on you?) at first, it's fine. you show him the tattoo in a totally friendly, totally platonic way. he hypes you up, he calls you 'the most metal person he knows'. flourishes you with all the compliments and looks at you with starry eyes out of sheer awe at the way he's managed to snag a person into his life who is just so. damn. cool.

but the days pass by, that new ink begins to heal, and it fucking itches.

when you first proposition him, you're even more embarrassed than he is. stumbling over all your words, the request coming out contorted every wrong way. you don't want to make things weird, but is it really that weird for a friend to help a friend? it is really that weird to ask your best friend to smack your tattoo to help with that itch you can't even really properly reach?

it's just friends helping friends.

and that's the mantra you both repeat to yourselves - as you request the embarrassing favor of him, as he agrees almost too eagerly, as you find yourself face-planted in your bed wondering how deeply you can bury down your shame as he tries to make jokes to make it all a bit less awkward.

it's just friends helping friends, until eddie's hand lands down on your ass with a resounding smack, and that first little whimper escapes your lips.

[everysongineverykey]

love that aziraphale is, in fact, a terrible fucking liar, but continously gets away with the most insane shit throughout history because either a) he's an angel so everyone figures he can't/wouldn't lie or b) EVERYONE can tell he's lying but they don't have enough evidence to do anything about it so they have to just exchange snide glances and/or send their most annoying interns over to bother him until they get something

[bottombaron]

So, I'm going to either make this joke more or less funny by explaining it, Colin Robinson-style:

Nandor isn't being an idiot by misspelling 'knowledge', he's spelling it phonetically.

Why? Well, it's probably not just that English is a horrendous abomination sent by god to punish us and an even worse trail for English learners either, but Persain is a (mostly) phonetic language!

This means each letter has a corresponding sound and words are phonetic in spelling (again, for the most part), unlike 'knowledge' in English where there are like...at least three?? unnecessary extra letters.

So, what's the phonetic spelling of 'knowledge' look like?

nolij

[sadlynotthevoid]

Hey, I have an idea for a crack crossover AU.

Yesterday I was searching for funny doofenshmirtz images and came across a set of screenshots of him, Vanessa and Norman. And I thought "Doofenshmirtz has to be the best fictional father to ever exist".

Then, "I wish Jason had a father like him. Wait—"

Anyways, I think a crossover AU where Doofenshmirtz adopts post-resurrection Jason woukd be a good idea.

They're on a train or something at a foreign country,

Doofenshmirtz: —And that's how I ended up here. What about you?

Teenage Jason, absolutely confused by this guy who suddenly started talking about his life story but having no idea what normal socialization is: *blinks* I'm in a world tour training to kill a guy.

Doofenshmirtz: Kill?! ...Isn't that too harsh?

Jason: He killed me first. Slowly.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh. Well, I guess that's fair— Wait, you died? Are you like a zombie or more like time traveler?

Perry: *breaks through the roof* Krrrr.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus!

Jason: What the fuck.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, there's no need to be so rude. *Turns to Perry* This is Jason, there was a mistake and we ended up in the same cabin. Jason, this is Perry the Platypus, my nemesis.

Jason: Nice to meet you.

Perry: Krrr. *To Doofenshmirtz* Krr, krrrr?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no. He's not part of my evil plan. Actually, you arrive early. I haven't even started yet. We were just talking to kill time— That reminds me, he says a guy killed him once. Which is really creepy. I mean, look at him!

Perry: *looks at the teenage baby-faced Jason, sitting there reading his book*

Doofenshmirtz: He must be younger than Vanessa! And that was before now. What kind of person goes around killing children? Doesn't that sound like something you guys should take care of?

Perry: ...Krrr. *raises a finger and takes out his phone* Krr. Krrr, krr. Krr krrrr krrr krr, krrr?

[indistinguishable Mayor noises]

Perry: Krrr. *Hangs call* *back to Doofenshmirtz* Krr krr krrrr krrr.

Doofenshmirtz: What do you mean there's a jurisdiction issue with Gotham? There are people killing kids there!

Perry: Krrr krr. *Exasperated sigh*

Jason, behind his book: Yup, that sounds like Gotham. No wonder even spy organizations are wary to get near her. Some say she's cursed.

Doofenshmirtz: You speak platypus?!

-

Vanessa, entering home: Dad, I'm back! Dad?—

Jason, drinking tea in the kitchen: Hi.

Vanessa: Hi, you are one of dad's friends?

Jason: *shruggs* I dunno. He kidnapped me from my training trip. Says I'm too young or something. I don't think so, but the platypus took his side.

Vanessa: Ah. And where are they anyways?

Jason: They left an hour ago. Something about Gotham's jurisdiction issue. I'm waiting to see who wins, burocrats or a spiteful scientist and his martial artist platypus best friend.

Vanessa: Cool. ...$5 say dad tires them until they give up.

Jason: $10 say the platypus guy punches someone in the face.

Vanessa: Deal.

[junosswans]

They are arrested for Roy’s spectacular driving skills caused three car accidents on the way home. Riza is not happy about it.

[bluebutlikenotalways]

Laddies we got an Au

Long post below the cut and some disturbing imagery, so be advised.

So it takes place after Pearl sunk Abalone and his fleeting. This time however her sisters actually stuck around to check on her after everything and actually managed to help her open up…some how.

Though her heart wasn’t stained black she will never be the same.

However she was able to build up the strength to talk to Lord Oyster again. She never fully forgave him for giving away her pearl, but he was there after the attacks to take care of the pirates who had somehow managed to avoid dying to take them to justice. This showed the mermaids that some cookies could be trusted. Because of this Pearl became a guardian for The House of Oyster and oh boy did that do wonders for their reputation!

With her making peace with all her pain she didn’t fully become Black Pearl and is kinda grey(-ish purple) I need to work on her design a bit more obviously, but she followed a lot closer to Crimson and takes her job as a protector seriously enough. Some may wonder if she enjoys a good fight more than defending her friends.

Also her sister and Frilled Jellyfish have her tokens to try and brighten her up some.

Through all this Lord Oyster swore he would redeem himself to his moon (she asked him not to call her that anymore lol) So he dedicated a good chunk of resources to trying to locate her pearl! This mission was passed down through the generations until finally…

Oyster Cookie had finally gotten a big lead and was able to send one of the best captains and his crew out to try and recover it.

Unfortunately they ran into a slight problem.

The sea the pearl was said to be found in was rough and could capsize a ship twice their size. Caviar wanted to go alone, but with a crew as stubborn as he they braved it together as one! (Candy Diver died in a different accident and Caviar still managed to find them and bring them aboard because he’s just that good at sniffing out crew mates.)

Alas it wasn’t just a storm.

It was a trap.

A band of pirates forged a letter hoping Oyster herself would show up so they could get a nice tidy ransom, but when a harder than nails crew showed up in their place they were far from pleased.

The Salty Shark crew hold their ground well, but being outnumbered four to one never seems to end in your favour.

Caviar was the last to go down and was thrown overboard to his watery grave like the rest of his crew. After The Silent’s crew was demolished completely the pirates set out to “commandeer” her, but immediately things started to go wrong for them. Things went so wrong that at least two were killed on their scramble to get off the boat while many more met their soggy fates as they threw themselves overboard in preference to whatever was on their with them.

Guess what movie franchise this is based on :D

As the legend says the captain pulled himself up out of the deep that night and sails his waters of the Duskgloom searching for his crew to bring them safely aboard and finally leave that damned place. However the captain’s kindness runs short with strangers who cross his path, especially those who fly the skull and crossbones.

The Silent is still under his full command and all orders are carried out will full efficiency.

Now Oyster wanted the return of her pearl to be a surprise with a big celebration after, but when the captain never returned and those she sent to look for him disappeared she had few other choices than to send her most capable guard.

[giallo4ver]

Watching people seriously ship romantically Sauron/Galadriel in the Rings of power knowing full well that he is the ORIGINAL Mansplain, Manipulate, Manslaughter and that he is manipulating the whole audience too into believing he has actual feelings and not just a thirst for power and corruption of pure souls:

[imjustavenuxwithaboomerang]

[mrsthunderkin]

When your Big-bad-bf patron wants to cuddle but he strategically fails to mention which form he wants to do it in.

Miriam belongs to @owlcatchyoul8r

[zeb-z]

It's always so intriguing to watch Foolish from another perspective during lore, because it usually really is just guesswork to his thoughts and motives. Even during the moments he's being entirely honest, he can be hard to pin down.

Watching Foolish there's no question as to how much he knows, or how much he cares. It's always more than you think. You get to watch him choose to play a happy go lucky idiot, and then join in the act in chat. Watching him break down that act today was fun.

First with Fit, his joyful positive attitude starting to crack after looking through Leo's photos. His moment to gather himself before talking, his trailing off and voice cracks when asked if he's okay, only to change the subject immediately.

Then with Bad, talking about their months on the island and just what trust means. Considering how to weed out a federation puppet, going over theories with each other after just having told one another that the best way to find the rat is to give theories out one at a time to find the leak.

I’ll have to watch Fit's perspective of today later, but I know with Bad, the mood change was obvious - and yet somehow, he managed to get away with much more than he let on.

Still, it’s obvious he’s starting to crack, with Leo being gone, with Bad clearly deteriorating - you can’t pretend to be happy and carefree for forever, when the stress is this high.

[mokeonn]

Before I go to sleep I leave you all with this piece of advice: sometimes you don't actually have to answer big political questions, sometimes you can just say "I am not smart enough to know that, I just know the small things I do to help." Like you can often times completely avoid making a fool of yourself if you just say you don't know.

[lightbulb-warning]

whenever i see my cat i get woken up from my stupor and remember that my cat is in fact a guy who also lives here and then there's joy

[13reasonstoeatthatcake]

I really want to know how Lilith Sorrengail feels about trying her best to get her youngest daughter away from whatever it was that her dad supposedly found in the Archives after Brennan 'died', just to get said daughter even more involved with the tyrrish rebellion two: electric boogaloo.

[theminionjcfucked]

I will say, I do appreciate how Tucker’s dislike for Lisa hasn’t been misogynistic at all so far. He just finds her irritating. I think that’s why it’s entertaining because he can dislike her and not make degrading comments about her being a woman.

LOOKING AT YOU MATT KLOTZ!

[oscargender]

32… all this time I had been assuming that Chu Wanning was AT LEAST 40… probably closer to 50-60, and he just looks young because of his cultivation… 32…