#because i can fucking read and intuit and reason and know how programming works. sort of.

[1794]

you're telling me this has been baked into rpg maker mz this whole fucking time. from the dropdown ribbon "help" menu right fucking there. easily accessible. and the pzombies on the subreddit still ask shit like "can i have a party member who's a dog"

[redantsunderneath]

On Analysis - Introduction (the “why” part)

“He had the feeling that everything he saw was a broken-off piece of some giant blank thing that he had forgotten had happened to him.” ― Flannery O'Connor, Wise Blood

Maybe some broader personal context would help understating why in god’s name I write shit about how Age of Ultron is a remake of Eraserhead and Marvel crossovers are inherently about self hating creatives going to war with editorial. Like everyone else, I love a well told story but want to be surprised - seeing Star Wars is still the single biggest event in my life in supercharging my interest in narrative art.  But from early on, I had this left brain/right brain conflict going on. I was super interested in details and loved anything that required getting all the pieces to understand (that one episode of Speed Racer where they explain all the buttons I only saw once but I must have excitedly told everyone in the schoolyard about it 2 or 3 times) and I’ve always been down for the even the shittiest world-building that makes you dig for details (maybe this why Star Wars’ gesturing at a larger canvas lit my fuse so hard and how my introduction to Marvel comics became the second stage rocket booster 3 years later - see my retropseudonostalgia post). This also is probably common, especially here.

But it’s the right brain impulse became an overriding unconscious attractor. I saw The Man with the X-Ray eyes very young and had some serious nightmares, but mostly remember actually wanting to recapture that dread.  This became a pattern.  Anything that unsettled me or made me feel weird, my brain interpreted as a good experience. 1977 was a real flashpoint for me: Star Wars, sure, and 8 is the right age for Thanatos to start haunting you, but I also got super fucking sucked in to the Prisoner and imprinted on BBC’s Dracula (especially the baby eating scene where I remembered the brides actually eating the baby on camera until the clip showed up on YouTube and, turns out, it was just a cut to a flame effect and the baby eating was all in my and Q anon’s head). The thing that unites these later two is a the feeling of Unheimliche, or something - a sort of out of body experience due to transgressive touching of something in the reptile brain, recognizable but hard to formulate in language.  

Again, not saying this is an unusual experience, but I sought after this diencephalonic impact aggressively and spent years chasing this particular dragon before I figured out what I was doing. Rank and file horror didn’t cut it because I wanted not only to feel it but to understand what it was telling me and doing to me, to wrestle with it, so needed to something resonant to be there. Kubrick’s one neat trick was having an entirely rational approach to relentlessly assembling this kind of ineffable experience… depth of meaning by design.  I think Christopher Nolan is only popular because we have so few architect directors today so we’ll take a B- stab at it (though the thematic waters he sails on are a bit shallow). This is what I was doing receptively, wanting to cognitively reverse engineer the texts that moved me and autopsy my reaction .  There were elements the things that got to me had in common - there was an existential abjection that felt like a kind of rapture, a transgressive daring in showing me something I shouldn’t see, a experience of Mark Fisher’s version of the weird and/or the eerie, but most of all a feeling that there was a story underneath there being told in an abstract language that I innately understood but my conscious mind couldn’t quite get to.

On the other side of my brain, I was sparring with narrative structure and was captivated by the way periodical narrative produced this fuzziness and that trashy or disreputable forms were better at doing some really complex things. After a late 70s of consuming everything I could, like sitcoms no-one remembers, 1930s and 40s franchise B movies, Godzilla, ABC hourlongs (it was the time that Fantasy Island and the Bionic Woman strode the airwaves), etc - just absolute garbage - Comics hit me in 1980 and hijacked my brain for half a decade.  This mostly satisfied that architectural impulse, though, and the need for the uncanny reasserted itself as a shifting obsession to pop/rock music, “hard” books, and catholic moviegoing (and I guess some of that right brain stuff is intrinsically libidinous and the pubertal timing seems right).  

My childhood book consumption till 77 was all atlases, history, and encyclopedias.  77 to 83 it was SF/Fantasy.  The one work of fiction I strongly remember as a small child was There’s a Monster at the End of this Book which is a work of absolute intersubjective terror that implicates the crap out you - I never bought the ending and saw it as a necessary contrivance to make it OK for kids but I repeatedly endangered Grover anyway, enjoying the transporting dread, and learned meta in Kindergarten as a bonus! But in 1984 (during the Sarajevo Olympics, that’s etched in my brain) I read Moby Dick, which was my first formative struggle with understanding subliminal story.  I was already in love with symbolism and conversant with nuts and bolts MFA program bullshit, as any ironically pretentious HS student would be, but reading that and writing about it and other “tough” books (especially the next year in Junior English where I learned to write, full stop) taught me I could think about this stuff and hold these abstractions in my head long enough to see what was happening under the waterline.

Movies really dominated the late 80s, though, and I became obsessed with everything from the Godfather to Die Hard, but I was only just peaking under the hood, until the left brain brought me back to TV and and thinking about narrative structure.  Twin peaks (and Wild at Heart) made me a real Lynch fan and I sensed what I sought was in that direction, but it wasn’t until I watched the whole show and movie in one weekend in 1997 that I had my conversion experience. Moby Dick opened the door a bit, but that weekend kicked it in.  My first real resource for understanding (other than HS English, a couple of hits of acid, and dorm room bull sessions with sort of smart people) was alt.tv.twin-peaks where there were many amateur scholars trying to understand the red room and above the convenience store scenes, complete with ascii maps.  

The final inciting event was Inland Empire.  The thing about David Lynch that is so perfect for my hobbyhorses is that he works within a scene entirely intuitively, connecting to really primordial stuff, and puts everything together by “painting” with feelings instead of paint, never thinking about it, just knowing when it’s right. But he usually works with a writer and editor who helps shape everything into something at least fitfully comprehensible for someone wanting to follow the surface story. You get the general idea and can meditate on the areas that are clearly not “real” in some sense and require either aesthetic surrender or a lot of thought and one hell of an interpretive toolkit - you can see the frame even if you don’t understand every bit of the picture.  Inland Empire, which he made with no other behind the camera people, is pretty much all the mind-blowing bits with very little skeleton, an abstract painting with no frame. This forces you, if you want to understand in any way beyond just enjoying the moments viscerally, to effort like hell.  The project of this for me, the reason I started this Tumblr, was using the internet for procuring and learning to use interpretive tools and, in so doing, writing my way to constructing an understanding of this one movie.  As a result, my approach to all narrative art was changed.  I figure it is time to unpack this into a framework and try to recall the specific things that helped me get here.

[dylancaledavis]

Actual Storytelling Advice #1 Writing a Scene: a demystification

A Book Series is a collection of novels. Novels are collections of chapters. Chapters are collections of scenes. Scenes are...well, what are scenes? This term eluded me for most of my writing life. I could say something was a scene (a la, watching a film and saying “what a great scene!”) But I didn’t know what I was saying was the “scene.” Was it when the camera changed? Was it when the character(s) were in a different location? Was there some deeper emotional resonance that indicated a scene break? (short answer? Yes.)

It was even more confusing in reading stories. Are chapters scenes? Are scenes arbitrarily determined whenever the author damn well pleases? (In amateur writing, yes.)

The truth is, scenes are the building blocks of story. So it came as a shock to me when I got into my MFA in Creative Writing program (shout out to Southern Illinois University) that I had never actually had a scene explained to me. (Thanks, Pinckney Benedict, for doing that.) And after I got the breakdown, my writing transformed overnight. So now I want to transfer this knowledge to anyone who will listen.

No matter what type of fiction we are writing, no matter the genre, setting, whatever, we will greatly improve it by using this simple formula:

1. Entering Emotion

2. Conflict Impeding Desire

3. Exiting Emotion

Sure, it’s always a lot more complicated than this, but these are the three phrases that should guide all scenes. But, let’s break them down individually so we can get a better understanding of their functions.

1. Entering Emotion

The entering emotion portion of the scene is the beginning. When a character walks into a room, gets into their car, finds the antagonist, sizes up the monster, goes into the cave, etc. They must start with (and our audience should know) what the POV character’s entering emotion is. This is usually tied to something called the conscious and unconscious desires (read Libbie Hawker’s book “Take Off Your Pants!” for a better explanation of that, though I will do another post which breaks that down another time).

So, if our character is entering a scene, we must establish what their emotion is. Are they scared? Happy? Timid? Worried? Exhausted? Bewildered? All emotions are viable. Here’s an example from something I’ve written. It’s Cyberpunk, so that should be your visual guide, here.

Coming home after a long day at the cricketflour plant, 5icmi slouched in his suspension chair. He didn’t want to go into Samsara, but the AVR world was a helluva lot better than his six by six capsule flat. Maybe he’d go to Ludmila’s club later, if he was feeling up to it.

“Whatever,” he said to himself.

What do we think the entering emotional state of this scene is? 5icmi isn’t happy, not by any stretch. He isn’t jovial (though he does seem a funny in a jaded sort of way.)

Primarily, what 5icmi feels in this scene is boredom. He doesn’t want to do anything, but he also doesn’t want to do anything else, either. This is important for the story because...well, why do you think? Humans intuit story. It’s ingrained in our consciousness. What do you think is going to happen to 5icmi in this scene based on your own intuitions? Is he going to stay bored? Are we going to have to follow a boring character in a boring ass story? No!

We shouldn’t waste audience’s time like that. Instead, we do this:

2. Conflict Impeding Desire

The “Impeding Desire” part of this will make more sense in a later post, as it's a concept I want to focus on by itself. For now, we’ll just talk about the conflict. Conflict is story. You cannot have a story without one (I can write a whole post about this, too, but let’s just accept that part as fact for the sake of brevity). Now, a lot of writers misunderstand conflict.

Conflict does not mean “fighting another person.” We don’t need physical conflict. Not every scene needs to be a fight scene (although, good fight scenes employ the exact same structure as any other scene, just watch this clip from “The Princess Bride.” PROTIP: Inigo’s entering emotion is “smug.”

What conflict is in storytelling terms is something that which gets in the way of a character. This could be physical or non-physical. Frightening or funny (or both). It is an obstacle at its core.

What makes a good conflict vs a bad one? Well, once again, humans intuit this very well in stories. If the character’s entering emotional state is boredom, what should the obstacle be? It wouldn’t make sense to suddenly have a romance conflict, right? It wouldn’t work if the conflict was starvation. Make the conflict reflect the character’s entering emotional state. Let’s return to 5icmi:

5icmi clutched the dangling omnis between his fingers. One by one, he inserted them into the microports on his occipital lobe. Once they were all connected, he flicked the switch and dove into Samsara.

His homeworld was a private one. He’d made sure to adjust his privacy settings so nobody could fuck with his AVR haven. He appeared on his deck overlooking a perfectly trimmed, green yard. A Yutag rifle was propped on the railing. 5icmi shouldered the rifle out of habit, not really caring if he actually hit anything. He aimed at a can atop a stump across the yard. That’s when he saw a face in the bushes looking up at him.

“Who the fuck is that?” he said, lowering the rifle.

“Hello stranger!” the face in the bushes said. They stood straight, and 5icmi noticed the avatar was at least 3 meters tall.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s a person in 5icmi’s private world! He’s not bored anymore, is he? See, we took details about his life at the beginning of the scene: He’s a VR junkie, lives alone, and is very bored. Then we spun them into the conflict. An unwanted stranger has come into his life (this will be another post, too, follow me to read that post!)

The character of this story seems stubborn and almost resigned to being bored all the time, but something impeded it. This will always happen in our scenes. It has to, otherwise the story doesn’t make us feel anything.

I hope that when you got to the part of the face in the bushes, your heart did the tiniest flutter. Maybe you blinked one more time than usual. Your skin went weird.

If it did, I transferred emotion from my character to you (yet another planned blog post.) If I did that, I did my job as a fiction writer.

And so finally:

3. Exiting Emotion

This last part of scene structure does double duty, because not only does it establish the end of the scene, but it usually marks the beginning of the next scene, as well (more on that in a moment.)

The exiting emotion of a scene should be the opposite or opposite-adjacent from the entering emotion. If your character is happy, they should leave sad, worried, disheveled, frightened. If they are sad, they should be happy, elated, or even just a flicker of hopeful. If they are angry, they should be calm or subdued. You get the idea.

The reason for this is because, when you have that miniature emotional arc in your scene, you’ve created movement in your character. Your character has changed, and humans like change. There’s nothing more boring than watching television static or paint dry. We call those things boring is because they don’t change in a meaningful way.

Characters have to change in a meaningful way, otherwise they become static. Scenes are where we get to make micro-changes to your character which will build atop one another to the big change they make at the end of the story.

But there’s something else about exiting emotions that is as, if not more, important.

Exiting emotions inform the next scene. We now know that the character will start scene A as happy and by the end of that scene they will be sad. So scene B starts with them sad, right? It would be weird to start each scene with your character as happy like they have a reset button.

But what does that mean for scene B? If they start sad (because of Scene A) then they should leave scene B happy or happy adjacent? Yes. This was one of the more difficult things for me to grasp when I started writing scenes. It feels clunky and artificial at first to write this way.

After a while, though, I noticed how much more emotional my writing became. My characters started changing, started feeling things. They’d go from happy to scared to hopeful to worried to resolute and I would want to follow them to their conclusion because they were on a journey. It was amazing!

Here’s the end of the scene, just so you can see a curated example:

5icmi raised the rifle again. He trained the laser point on the intruder’s face.

“How’d you get in here?” he said. The intruder put his palms up.

“There’s no need to be frightened, dear boy. I, too, don’t know how I ended up in your space. I was casually dining at the hubworld when suddenly, bloop! I froze and reloaded here. Now I can’t seem to get out!”

5icmi wanted to believe this person, but the smile on their face was toothy and hiding something.

“I’m getting out of here, get ready for a fucking report to the Samsara dev team,” 5icmi said. He rotated his arm to conjure the tool menu. He selected “exit” but nothing happened. He selected it again, nothing. 5icmi tried to remove the omnis plugged into his occipital lobe, but they were stuck. 5icmi looked up, and saw that the avatar had moved closer. The avatar was more hunched now. The smile painted on its face was much, much wider.

“Let’s chat, friend,” the avatar called up. “Just you, and me.”

So, 5icmi has gone from bored, to frightened. Neutral to negative. So what do you think his next emotion should be at the end of scene 2?

If you string enough of these together, you’ll have a short story or a chapter of a novel. If you do that 10 times, you’ll have a collection of short stories or a novel. It’s really all it is, but no one would know without the Demystification of scene structure!

Thanks so much for reading. I hope this has given you a more concrete understanding of how to structure your scenes and why emotion tied to plot is your best bet to keep a reader glued to your words.

Write on! Have fun! Wig some people out!

Until next time,

Dylan Davis

[missjanjie]

Branjie Fic | Bad Girls Club (7/8)

Title: Bad Girls Club Summary:  Los Angeles’ new program, the Juvenile Female Rehabilitation Program (JFRP) was created with the purpose of taking at-risk girls in the county and send them to a summer-long program located where a sleepaway camp once stood. There, they will take classes in ethics, behavior, and other courses to help mold these young minds. Brooke Lynn and Vanessa have been sent there for wildly different reasons, but with the same result - a clean permanent record. Being roomed together, the pair might find an unlikely alliance (and maybe more) in each other. Word Count: ~3k (this chapter)/~19.2k (total) Relationship: Branjie (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo) Rating: E

Read on AO3

------

“So, how have you been?”

It was the most innocuous question possible, but Brooke Lynn already felt like she was in an interrogation room – the kind where the only light came from a lamp that was being shone in her face. Her hands were clammy, and her gaze fixated on the table. The pounding in her chest coupled with a ringing in her ears and made it near impossible to think straight. “Good enough,” she answered with no idea if it was actually her voice.

Kameron gave a short nod of understanding. “Maybe not the best question to ask, all things considered,” she conceded. “But I couldn’t leave without catching up with you, and maybe a few other things…”

“I’m not having sex with you.”

She quirked her brow before laughing and shaking her head. “No, no, that ship has sailed. I’m much more interested in whatever’s going on between you and that little firecracker you were staring at the whole time. This is new for you and I’m intrigued.”

Brooke flushed a deep red, swallowing thickly and clearing her throat. “Why are you so interested in my love life? I figured you of all people would be the last to want to meddle.” In this camp alone, she could think of at least three more obvious suspects for that sort of thing.

Kameron shrugged. “My shift ended, and I have an hour to kill, might as well make you squirm. Besides, I meant it when I said you and I are cool – just because you’re used to everyone lying and being passive aggressive doesn’t mean I’m looped into that.”

And she had a point – realizing that some people actually do mean what they say was an important life lesson Brooke Lynn had been taking away from her time here. It had been jarring at first, how blunt everyone could be, but she had come to appreciate the fact that, nine times out of ten, she knew exactly what she was getting into with someone. Sure, growing up in an emotionally repressed environment made her more intuitive, but at the cost of constantly questioning where she actually stood with people. “So, what, you’re gonna mediate some sort of therapy session between us?”

“Oh, good idea!”

“Wait, no—” But she was already being dragged across the dining hall.

Then Kameron got a hold of Vanessa’s wrist with her free hand and suddenly they were both being escorted outside without anyone around them giving it a second thought. This allowed her to take the girls outside, sitting in a patch of grass. “Okay, ladies! Couples’ therapy is in session.”

“Couples?” Both girls questioned in unison.

“Situationship therapy isn’t as catchy, work with me,” she rolled her eyes. “Now, tell Dr. Michaels what the trouble is.”

“Hey, I wanna see your medical license!” Vanessa could feel Kameron’s glare burning a hole into the side of her head, and – despite the fact it did make Brooke laugh – she gave in. “Fine, fine,” she sighed dramatically. “I took it personally when Brooke Lynn said she wanted to forget this place and go back to her normal life because it felt like I don’t mean nothing to her. Can I go now?”

“That’s not how therapy works. Sit,” Kameron reprimanded and watched Vanessa sit with crossed arms and furrowed brows, finding her defiant pout almost amusing.

Brooke Lynn, on the other hand, was far less amused. “That’s what this was about? My family life is strained to the breaking point, my future has been dangling in the balance, I have no fucking idea what sort of hell on earth I could be facing when I go back to school, and you made all of that about yourself?” She was seething, vitriol shooting off every word. It was hard to avoid tripping over herself as she scrambled to her feet. “This is beyond playing Dr. Phil, Kameron. This is… I don’t know what the fuck this is, other than fucking insane.” Turning on her heel, she all but sprinted off.

Vanessa was quick on her feet despite the sudden panic that sunk her heart into the pit of her stomach. “Brooke! Brooke Lynn, wait! Let me explain!” she shouted, running as fast as her short legs would carry her across the wide expanse of grass.

Even though Kameron suddenly found herself left in the dust, she was unfazed. She nodded observantly, brows knitting together. “Guess ‘marriage counselor’ is off the potential career list,” she decided, brushing herself off and returning to the dining hall. The other girls from her group had asked about her disappearance with marginal interest but accepted ‘just needed some air’ at face value.

Meanwhile, Brooke Lynn had made it nearly a quarter mile down the camp’s nature trail before Vanessa caught up to her. Sure, she could have pushed it further, but despite her fury, she knew she couldn’t outrun the inevitable confrontation forever. They did still share a room, after all – and it was way too far into the summer to try to change that. She whirled around, making the other girl skid to a halt, dirt kicking up at her heels. “Fine. Talk,” Brooke snapped.

There was a brief moment where Vanessa forgot all she had to say, but as soon as she began, the words flowed out. “Look, I know I always be walkin’ around like I’m the shit and all that. And I don’t really suffer from no low self-esteem or whatever, but I know I’m not smart, I know I probably won’t ever amount to nothing. So when someone like you, someone so fucking far out of my league… when whatever we had started… I don’t know, I felt special.” She looked away and sniffled, a wave of humiliation hitting her as she forced herself to come to terms with what had been building up inside of her over the past few weeks. “Then you started talking about going home and it was the reality check I was afraid of. Guess I was mad at you ‘cause I was mad at myself or something.”

Brooke Lynn didn’t know what she was expecting Vanessa to say – she had learned early on in their relationship that anticipating anything that came out of her mouth was essentially impossible – but that confession had caught her completely off guard. There was an emotional self-awareness that blew her away. She was sure A’keria had helped her get there, but that didn’t lessen how impressed she was. But at the same time, her heart broke for her – those insecurities were real and raw and spoke volumes about who Vanessa was. Yes, she was still frustrated, but it was hard to stay angry at her, leaving her quiet as she took it all in.

“You probably hate me now, huh?”

The brokenness in Vanessa’s voice hit her again. Brooke shook her head, shoving her hands into the pockets of her shorts. “I could never hate you. I just don’t have it in me.” She exhaled deeply, looking up at the bright, sunny sky. It almost mocked them with how perfectly cheery it was, like the sun had no right to shine that bright when their hearts felt so dark and heavy. “And for what it’s worth, you don’t give yourself nearly enough credit. You are the very definition of special, Vanessa.” There was a brief pause before she followed up with, “I meant that as a compliment, not shade.”

Vanessa managed a soft laugh, pushing the hair out of her eyes, even if her gaze was fixed squarely on the ground. “I know what you meant,” she assured and let out a deep sigh. When her mom would say that sort of thing to her, she could never fully shake the sense that there was a hint of obligation – your mom has to tell you you’re special, right? But when Brooke said it, it felt real and made her feel special. “So, where we at now?”

That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? Brooke Lynn hesitated, chewing on her lip. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “Meet me at the lake after dinner, we’ll see how we feel then.” The lake had grown to have a sentimental meaning for them – if there were any spot to determine their fate, that had to be it.

“We’ll see how we feel,” Vanessa echoed and turned to make the walk back to the dining hall. It felt like such a long trek when she wasn’t chasing after someone.

------

“It kind of sounds like you’ve got your course of action figured out,” Nina mused observantly. “What are you looking for me to tell you, exactly?”

Brooke shrugged, tugging at the strings hanging off the frayed ends of her denim shorts. “I just wish I knew how to figure out what I feel. I’m used to everything being clear cut. Vanessa is just… She’s so… I’ve never met anyone like her before. And no one has ever made me feel like this before.”

Her teacher let out a good-natured laugh and shook her head. “I swear, it’s like you forget that you’re seventeen. You’re experiencing a lot of firsts, that’s what being a teenager is all about. I think meeting someone like Vanessa is good for you, and no matter what your relationship ends up being, I think you’ll have grown for it.”

“That doesn’t make this any easier.” She kicked her legs and whined. “This is tonight, I need to bring an answer or I’m gonna look like an asshole.”

“You’re overthinking things again, Brooke,” Nina gently pointed out. “All you need to do is speak from the heart and the rest will follow.” At the end of the day, she knew the teen wanted an impossible solution that wrapped up her story in a neat bow. While she was flattered by her unwavering faith, she just couldn’t seem to drive home the reality of the situation.

Brooke rolled her eyes dramatically and laid back on the desk. “God, that’s so lame. Does Monét like that sort of cheesy shit?” Deflecting to their relationship seemed to be a go-to for both herself and Vanessa when they didn’t want to be faced with the reality of their circumstances.

It was most likely due to the fact that it always garnered the same reaction – the teachers would recoil and blush. They would stammer and lose their train of thought and give the flustered teens a moment to recuperate.

Unfortunately for Brooke, Nina seemed unfazed this time around. In fact, she smirked. “Actually, she does,” she grinned. “And do you know why I know that? Because we talk and communicate our feelings like human beings. You should try it.”

“You didn’t have to come for me like that,” Brooke mumbled. Nina must have picked that up from Monét, she thought and momentarily regretted her matchmaking decision.

------

A’keria looked at Vanessa with pursed lips and furrowed brows. She pensively cocked her head to the side, and it took much longer than her friend would have liked before she started talking. “You’re a hot fucking mess, you know that, right? You both are.”

“Maybe so.” Vanessa clicked her tongue. “But that doesn’t answer my question, bitch. What the fuck am I s’posed to do at the lake?”

The eyeroll she received in response wasn’t helpful, but it wasn’t unexpected either. “Have you ever solved a romantic problem by yourself? When you gonna realize that there ain’t no one that can tell you how to feel about Brooke Lynn. That’s between you and her.”

Vanessa pouted and crossed her arms, actively looking down and away from her. “Look, you know damn well I ain’t never gonna meet another girl like her… Maybe that’s for the best. But I don’t wanna fuck this shit up. I’ll never forgive myself if I do.”

A’keria sighed, her expression softening. She wrapped her arm around the smaller girl and squeezed her shoulder. “Vanjie, even if it is the worst-case scenario – you guys don’t work out and don’t see each other again – life goes on. Your heart will heal, and you’ll find another girl worthy of all the love you’ve got to give and will welcome it with open arms.”

Deep in her heart, Vanessa knew there was truth in her friend’s words. She had healed her broken heart before, life had gone on. Even with that, however, she couldn’t let go of the idea that this would be her ‘one that got away,’ the ‘what if’ that she would look back on with a sense of longing when she was old and gray. But she didn’t have the words to convey that sense of fear. “I guess so.”

It wasn’t an especially convincing statement, but A’keria knew when to stop pushing. She gave her a hug from the side before letting go and standing up. “Come on, let’s get a snack or something. Can’t have romantic revelations on an empty stomach, right?”

------

The lake was as serene as ever when Vanessa and Brooke Lynn approached it. Crickets were chirping, the water was still, the full moon illuminated the picturesque scene. It was just the neutral environment that they needed for this conversation.

They sat down cross-legged and faced each other. It took what felt like ages (but in reality, was less than a minute) before either of them spoke, but Vanessa was the one to break the silence.

“I thought I’d know what to say when I got here, but I still don’t know shit,” she confessed. “All I know is I’m tired of fighting with you and worrying about everything I do. I don’t care if I’m not good enough for you – one of the first things you said to me was that we’re equal here.”

Brooke Lynn shook her head. “I don’t want you to think you not being good enough is the issue. I’m not better than you because of where I come from, or at all.” She reached out and took her hands. “Why don’t we just make the most of the time we have together?”

Vanessa didn’t need clarification when it came to that. She moved closer until she was sat on Brooke’s lap, her arms draped around her neck and their lips connecting in a tender kiss. That was all they needed, it seemed, for all their worries and fears to melt away.

Brooke’s arms wrapped around Vanessa’s waist and held her close as the kiss deepened. After a moment, she slipped her hand under her shirt, pushing it up inch by inch before she pulled it over her head and tossed it aside. “God, you’re so fucking beautiful,” she breathed out.

“And you not half bad yourself,” Vanessa smirked, trailing kisses along her jaw and down her neck, until her lips latched onto her pulse point and left a hickey in its wake. If the moan Brooke let out was any clue, that was the right spot, leading her to pay extra attention to the dark, purple mark that was forming, only breaking contact to take her shirt off as well.

They didn’t talk much after that – instead, there was an eager, haphazard mess of limbs as they tried to undress each other as quickly as they could manage, each article of clothing landing somewhere in the grass.

When they were naked, Vanessa pinned Brooke to the ground, a mischievous smirk on her lips. Normally, she would have submitted control to the blonde, but she wanted to channel everything she had been feeling over the past few days into the perfect, lustful expression. She trailed her lips down her body, not leaving an inch of skin untouched.

While Vanessa’s hand moved between Brooke Lynn’s thighs, her mouth moved to both of her breasts, massaging her nipples with her tongue and savoring the moans it elicited. She started with her hand by pressing her thumb to her clit, rubbing in small circles while she slowly kissed down to her lower abdomen.

“Turn around, baby. I wanna take care of you too,” Brooke insisted, and – despite Vanessa’s original plan – she had her hands bracing on her hips in a matter of seconds. She didn’t wait for her to start before she traced her tongue in a line down her slit before wiggling it inside.

“Fuck…” Vanessa exhaled softly, momentarily distracted before she gathered herself enough to reciprocate. She had a firm grip on Brooke’s thighs, fingernails digging into her flesh as she licked and sucked on her clit with a fervor that was reserved exclusively for her.

Vanessa’s skill and enthusiasm had a clear effect on Brooke Lynn. Her body twitched and trembled under her touch, causing her own ministrations to be erratic and fierce. She was the first to come, too, moaning out despite how stifled it was.

Even though she couldn’t hear it clearly, Vanessa knew when she had gotten Brooke off, paying extra attention to work her through her orgasm. It wasn’t until she was certain she was spent before she shifted to just riding her face, clasping her hand over her mouth in a vain attempt at keeping quiet – the last thing they needed was to wake up an adult.

Brooke was able to focus all of her attention on eating Vanessa out as soon as she was able to move her body as she needed to, her hands roaming the expanse of her thighs and torso while she refused to come up for air.

“O-Oh god, fuck, fuck, Brooke!” Staying quiet proved to be too difficult of a task when Vanessa approached her climax. She bit down on her lip, whimpering and whining as she rode it out.

When Vanessa had calmed down from her orgasmic high, Brooke scooped her up in her arms and held her close. They lay in relative silence – their breathing still audibly heavy – and basked in the warmth of each other’s bodies.

Maybe this did clear the fog of confused emotions that had incessantly followed them, or maybe it threw a wrench into things. All either of them knew was that there was nowhere in the world they’d rather be than in each other’s arms.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 174: Fancy Rich People Tea

Previously on BnHA: Mirio and Deku took Eri on a whirlwind weekend tour of U.A. We learned that class B is putting on a play for the festival which sounds amazing and also appears to be infringing on no fewer than three copyrights. We ran into Hadou and Amajiki who were doing some preparations for Hadou’s Miss Con campaign. We learned that the support department has a tech exhibition at the festival each year which is a big deal for them. We also learned that Shinsou is Still At It. Not sure what it is. But he’s still here guys! Finally we ran into Midnight and the Rat Principal at the cafeteria and learned that Rat Principal had to pull lots of strings and jump through a bunch of hoops in order to run the event this year. Basically security is going to be crazy, and if someone so much as sneezes something that sounds like ‘villain attack’ they will immediately call the whole thing off and evacuate. Sounds fair. All in all, Eri had a good time and is looking forward to the actual event! Also Deku got fired from the dance squad. That’s rough, buddy.

Today on BnHA: Mina explains that they need Deku to help the staging team turn Aoyama into a human disco ball. Deku agrees so long as he still gets to dance a little bit. The next morning Deku and All Might run into Mei while training in the woods. We learn that she’s working on a new support item for Deku which will be ready soon. That evening Momo makes some fancy tea for everyone while Deku fucks around on Youtube and accidentally stumbles across one of Gentle’s videos. We then cut to Gentle and La Brava, and Gent breaks down the details of his plan. They’ll take a sneaky route to approach U.A. on the day of the festival, using back streets and side roads. Then they’ll stop and drink tea (the same fancy brand that Momo uses) for an hour and a half. Then they’ll approach U.A. from the woods, and La Brava will breach U.A.’s security barrier with her mad hacking skills. We learn that she used those same skills to track down Gentle after she first saw his videos, and afterwards she devoted herself to his cause. Gentle says he is putting his heart and soul into this new plan for her sake and for the sake of his own dreams.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 199 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.) 

look at this sweet girl trying to soften the blow

yeah because Aoyama totally ditched them. sorry Deku, they need a new disco ball

...or maybe not!

sorry Deku we need a new dispersal method for our disco ball

so wait. they’re really going through with this, huh. this wild stream-of-consciousness rambling from Mina really became the centerpiece for the entire dance floor

and Aoyama is FULLY ON BOARD now

so now this job is perfect for you huh. well you sure are a good sport

so they want Deku to break off from the main group at the same time as Aoyama and help him out

so once he has been “dispersed” you can probably still go have your dance with Eri, Deku! you can do that thing where she stands on top of your feet and you waltz around. it’s going to be so cute omg. make sure your mom videotapes it

speaking of are the parents going to get to come to this thing too? or will it really only be the kids. let their moms and dads come see all of their hard work!

(ETA: I was hoping we would see some of the parents but if they were there we missed it. booooo)

now Kiri is doing that hands-clapped-together pleading thing and apologizing to Deku, but he says they really need his help

lol so they’ve realized that they can’t put all their eggs into the “Aoyama as disco ball” basket

this is an honest-to-god serious conversation these kids are happening. with note-taking and everything. Todoroki fucking Shouto is in on this. “how long can we hold people’s attention by transforming Aoyama into a disco ball.” science

okay but. you guys... are planning other stuff too. right. ...???

(ETA: they sure are. that ice stuff that Mina also suggested. I’m telling you guys, she’s the undisputed MVP of this whole arc, and without her their festival program would have been shit)

lol well okay then. this is going to be so interesting

anyway so Deku’s all “I guess it’s okay then as long as I have a turn dancing,” and he’s agreeing to it

now we’re cutting to 6:30 a.m. on some random unknown day and Deku is training for his new move under All Might’s supervision

All Might is chock full of sage mentor wisdom

“always remember: bleeding internally is bad.” good stuff. write that down, Deku

he’s asking All Might if he has any tricks for maintaining control of the attack, since this is the first move he’s learned that he can’t just use freely

sage mentor wisdom

so apparently All Might was some sort of OFA prodigy and was able to control 100% OFA almost instantly. so he really genuinely has no idea how to teach it, because to him it just came naturally

was he just that buff when he got the quirk?? how old was he when he got it? did he actually attend U.A. as a quirkless kid? because middle school Toshinori sure as hell wasn’t ripped just yet, I can definitely tell you that much

I’m very, very, very curious about this, ngl. because I feel like the series has yet to clarify whether you need to be built like a Marvel Chris in order for your body to have the stamina to withstand OFA, or if that actually doesn’t have that much to do with it and the control needed to master it is actually more mental/spiritual than physical

like obviously physicality has a lot to do with it, though. but All Might could still use 100% for a long time even in his withered and weakened body. and Shimura, the only other OFA user we’ve seen at this juncture, was obviously super cool and tough, but it wasn’t like she was a female body builder or anything

and then of course there’s the question of exactly how much stronger Deku’s version of OFA is, though. how much of a difference is there because All Might’s strength was added to the mix? that obviously makes a big difference as well

basically I still have a lot of questions! maybe I should get back to this training scene and see if it answers any of them!

so he’s telling Deku to visualize the image of OFA -- the egg in microwave image again, I guess? -- and remember that sensation in his body. basically he’s trying to coach him on bringing it out intuitively

and Deku’s thinking to himself that even though they were both born quirkless, there’s a big difference between them still

so this does make it sound like a lot of it is mental

honestly that’s exciting and very important to me because it means that if Deku ever has a breakthrough, he could potentially make a huge leap forward in progress very suddenly

(ETA: LOOOOOOL good god I’ll say.

also! now that I know more about future developments with OFA, I’ve been thinking that I wasn’t giving Deku enough credit here. he is, in fact, just as much of a prodigy as All Might, I think. the difference is that All Might was able to master the physical aspects of OFA, whereas Deku seems to be more in touch with the spiritual side that All Might (supposedly) never really awakened. or to put it in Avatar: The Last Airbender terms, All Might was more of a Korra and Deku is more of an Aang. fortunately for Deku, it seems that being in tune with the spiritual part of OFA gives you access to some really neat stuff, holy shit.)

HOLY SHIT

THIS DUDE’S STILL GOT IT

holy shit that came out of nowhere at top speed and he caught it without looking like a total badass. WHO EVEN NEEDS ONE FOR ALL. OR ORGANS

so now Mei’s traipsing out of the woods and asking if anyone got hurt. nope, but you almost killed my husband and my son so try to be more careful next time

Deku’s belatedly realizing that this looks kind of weird, him being out in the middle of the woods having SECRET TRAINING with All Might at the crack of dawn

so All Might, master of improvisation that he is, is switching to Kansai dialect for some reason. to try and disguise himself. because of course that’ll work

thankfully, out of everyone they could have stumbled across in the woods, Hatsume Mei is the most singularly one-track-minded person they could have possibly met, and she’s barely even batting an eye

hmm?

new item, eh?

and he’s surprised and says he thought it wouldn’t be ready until after the cultural festival

but she already had the materials, so she says it’ll take no time at all

so he’s thanking her and now she’s walking off again

and by the way, this thing that All Might caught literally is a golden snitch, though

All Might > Harry Potter confirmed

(ETA: and by the way, this makes two HP references two chapters in a row, given the title of 1-B’s play. Horikoshi must have recently marathoned the films or something)

now he’s asking Deku about the new item

Deku says there was something he wanted to try out with his new technique

All Might is mentioning that he also tried using support items at one point back in the day, but apparently they only ended up getting in his way and tended to break whenever he went over 20-30%

oh hey

haven’t seen this in a while. here I thought his suit was way too fitted to accommodate this sort of thing anymore. he’s probably ruined it now

(ETA: you can actually see that the top button is about to pop off lol)

anyway, he’s telling Deku that using support items is great, just so long as he doesn’t end up relying on them too much

he says he’s seen a lot of instances where heroes that relied too much on their items had a bad time when those items were lost

this kinda seems to go against what Aoyama was saying a few chapters earlier. he’s an example of someone who does rely on a support item, and he seems to do all right. but I get what All Might is trying to tell him though

so Deku is all “got it!” and clenching his fist determinedly

aww

it is, though. I was just thinking that. I adore these All Might/Deku training scenes and it’s been great to have a return to this

so now we’re cutting back to Heights Alliance, and I’m assuming it’s the evening because the moon is up

Bakugou is squabbling with Kaminari and telling him he he plays too fast. Kaminari says Bakugou is the one screwing them up because he keeps improvising

obligatory posting of this panel of MomoJirou being lesbians

I live for the little things, I really do

omg

okay, (1) this is the cutest thing that’s ever happened ever in history, and (2) I just remembered that that was the chapter title. “imperial golden tips.” so it appears the chapter is named after Momo’s fancy tea that her mom sent her

everyone’s all excited to try it because it’s fancy rich people tea

lmao. Ochako’s asking if Deku’s going to have any, and

“am I... a bad nerd??” Deku berates himself while lying awake in bed that night sobbing uncontrollably

so I think that while Deku and Ochako are being clumsy dorks here they’re going to accidentally click on one of Gentle’s videos perhaps?

yep

in a way it’s kind of charming to know that Youtube’s suggested videos algorithm is still complete shit even in the BnHA universe 200 years from now. Deku was looking for All Might support items. Youtube: [brings up villain tea videos]

so Ochako has no idea who he is, but Deku’s actually heard of him although he says he’s not too familiar. but he knows he’s an infamous Youtube Villain

:) the answer may surprise you!

though it shouldn’t, actually. you guys should just go ahead and assume you’re the targets of every upcoming villain plot from here on out. that’s the way the dice seem to be falling nowadays

now we’re cutting to Gentle and La Brava

Gentle is writing something out with a feather quill like some sort of Harry Potter character. I couldn’t come up with a more creative simile because my mind’s still in that mode thanks to the golden snitch earlier

this man just sits around in full costume writing letters with a quill even as a laptop sits inches away. he’s just that committed to his gig. he lives this life 24/7 huh

he says that the public is growing more and more dissatisfied with heroes nowadays, and it’s because they’re “feeble-minded”

I’d actually argue that at this point, them being attacked is the predictable thing

now La Brava is asking if he’s going to involve the kids that will become future heroes. YEAH, GENTLE

I’D ARGUE THAT THEY’VE HAD ENOUGH WAKE UP CALLS BY THIS POINT

like. can they live. can they just have this one little thing though, god

oh my god

thanks La Brava. this is why he keeps you around

so now they’re going over the route!

so they’re going to approach at 5 a.m. that morning, taking a route that passes by the fewest hero offices

then they’re going to turn onto a side road, go through a residential area, and then they’ll end up at a park

blah blah so about an hour will elapse during this time and they’ll end up at a rundown house that’s actually a cafe

and he says they’re going to stop there to get some tea

apparently they serve the same tea that that Momo was coincidentally serving to everyone earlier. the imperial golden tips stuff

so... they’re going to wait until the shop opens, and then take a 90-minute tea break

let me tell you, it sure is riveting going through every detailed step of this elaborate criminal operation

then they go back outside and pass through a construction site and then climb a hill

ah, finally!

yeah probably at like 5pm at this rate. the festival will have already ended and you shrug and turn around and head back home

he says that since Hounddog will probably be guarding the area, they’ll rub themselves with dirt and leaves to mask their scent

then they’re gonna hit the famed U.A. barrier, which is impossible to get through without a permit

but apparently La Brava is A HACKING PRO, so she’s gonna hack U.A.’s network and shut down their sensors

is it really that easy? shit. doesn’t U.A. have any IT heroes? little did we know this whole time the password to their network was 1234

lmao we’re flashing back to when they first met

“corrupt businessman scolded” sounds like the kind of shit that should have gone viral tbh

then one day La Brava tracked him down and said she was a huge fan and she offered to help him

she apparently hacked his address. since the police haven’t found them yet, I’m assuming they’ve since moved, or taken down that initial video, or both lol

so now he’s proclaiming that this time around he’ll proudly put his life on the line

aww

yeah so that’s basically it. and now time is progressing to the night before the cultural festival OH GOODNESS

BONUS:

so as promised, we’re gonna do two pages today since I flaked out yesterday!

page one - class B painting the prop dragon

nothing much to say about this one except that obviously they’re going to keep painting it until they’re fucking done painting it, Colander Man

page two - Kenrazaki Bibimi’s profile. I couldn’t find a scanlation for this, so my Google Translate-assisted version is below lol

likes: glittering people, glittering things

the beauty gal

“too beautiful. it’s fun to draw her eyelashes.” lol

is it weird that now that the shock of said lashes has died down some, I actually do think she is really pretty? lol what is this manga doing to me

[sleepykalena]

I missed your post about your new job last night. Good luck today and be sure to tell us all about it!

Thanks, @tekayf! 

My first day was a fucking rush of a trip, i’ll tell you what, so if anyone’s interested, read under the cut:

I was asked to extract audio clips from a bunch of stuff, and i realized that this program works like absolutely NONE of the other programs.

“Simple enough,” i thought, and tried to look for wifi.

There is no wifi.

“Alright, fine, i’ll just google it on my data!”

No direct answers can be found.

In short, it took me 3 hours to even figure out how to get that done, and honestly it’s less intuitive than other programs I’ve used for similar purposes. But at least I got that done.

I’ve also never had my own room to work in before, much less my own keycard. So that was a trip. I’m sure the guy who processed my paperwork thinks i’m a dumbass because i was literally staring at my keycard in wonder, thinking that I’d need one keycard for entering the office, one keycard for the elevator in the suite for the office, and a third for accessing parking. When the guy told me it was supposed to function for all three, my response was, “…this is magical.”

I’m convinced he thinks i’m a dumbass. I’m convinced that i am one, too.

Good news, though: I originally thought I’d only be one of three non-japanese people. Turns out there are about 5 others. Yay!

Bad news: A LOT of stuff is still essentially bilingual, if not outright Japanese. The most important bits are already translated into English, which is a nice thing, but then I feel bad for my supervisor because there are some documents he thinks he needs to translate into English for me. So far, nothing’s come up that’s made me think that I need it translated and I want to save him time, but I’m having a bunch of thoughts that I can’t share because of NDA reasons, and it all sums up to “this is so highly illogical in the most amusing way”. And one of the project managers is bilingual specifically to interpret during meetings when needed, and i surmise he’ll be present during all the meetings i have to take part in, in case my Japanese has some gaps (which it probably will because some of the folks here speak faster than my brain can interpret, and I’m only able to reflexively respond in english just to be fast enough to keep up with that sort of speed).

At the end of my workday, my eyes feel like they want to gouge themselves out, and I’m braindead from scrambling to try and learn stuff, but my supervisor comes in and I give him what I had so far and he was happy with it, so that’s good! But then he laid out what he wants me to do with him for tomorrow, and i started feeling the panic set in again because in spite of my studying all weekend, I still have absolutely no idea how to go about doing the stuff he’s going to want me to do tomorrow. I know how to do them in all these other programs, but not this specific one. So here I am, studying again at the late hours when I really wanted to do fandom-related stuff on my free time.

The only bright side to the fact that I’m still wholly incompetent in this software is that it turns out my supervisor is woefully lost when using a specific project management app that my university drilled into us during our upper-div studies, so I got to walk him through it like a pro and he was super happy about that. I’m hoping that’ll curry some favor with him given that tomorrow I might be a huge disappointment.

I’m just gonna zone out soon and read some fics (I SEE YOU @too-wise-to-woo-peaceably !) before knocking out and hoping that I’m remotely decent for the stuff ahead ;-;

[sneakyhomunculous]

RPT Phoenix Report: Back to Back!

Part 1: Preparation 

“How should I begin this? I’m just so offended; how am I even mentioned by all these fucking beginners?” 

Let’s back up a bit. 

I’m coming into this half season fresh off a 5th place finish in the last MC, which means I’m qualified for RPT1/2 and PTFinal 1. 

From what I could make of the shoddy convoluted details at the beginning of this year; I believed I had a serious upper hand in the Rivals race. 

Only 4 tournaments count. The 3 I am qualified for and the 2nd PT final which I’ll have multiple chances to que for as well. 

Almost everyone else has at most 1 RPT Q and a pipe dream. 

With this info, I decide I am going to go for it. I know I am still an underdog, but I believe I am one of the few people in the world in this spot to somewhat reasonably set this goal of top 12 paper rivals for myself. 

At the same time, the world we live in is an Arena dominated one. 

I hate it of course. 

Like most of you reading this; I play the game for mostly 1 big reason [the fierce competition]. Arena is severely lacking in this department.

Only standard, a mindless ladder with the only reward being a single lottery ticket into a ~15k USD 0.5% equity drawing. (that requires you to play standard for 8 hours on a saturday there will assuredly be a GP you want to play.) 

A petty, infuriating chore. 

Bc standard is so chalked and flooded with players anyway; You are forced to play casual [but ranked] drafts against the bots.  

Slamming BO1 games with 15 land decks until your eyes bleed and the mythic achievement is reached! 

Then you close the unbearable program down not to be touched again until the next time this chore is required; or the lottery drawing is happening.

Nice system! 

All that being said, I’m still not going to handicap myself, and so I decide I will go for Arena as well. 

Unfortunately I have no early advantage there, and the spots are obviously unbelievably high variance. 

There are only 2 Invys and 2 Mythic point challenges, and if you miss the first invy you are almost drawing dead at a 1-12 spot. Especially with special invites and re-ques for top finishers all factored in. 

So far I am failing on the Arena front. 

I was too attached to my beautiful Urza Oko deck (I didn’t prepare enough for the first MCQW I would be double queing along side the modern GP in Austin. It cost me as I woke up and played poorly to a swift 2-2 exit with Jetski Fires before heading over to the GP) 

I lost a win and in and got 17th there. Never have I played a tournament with a bigger edge over all non mirrors in the field! Unfortunately I played 7 mirrors and managed a lowly 4-2-1 in them. 

I can’t make it through these gauntlets on autopilot anymore. 

I’m only 27, but my seemingly rapid reduction in processing speed has made me feel like I’m somehow getting too old for this grind.  

The way I have dealt with it? 

Accepting it. 

As much as I hate to admit it; I am not the same 17 year old wunderkind anymore and the young guns have a big edge on me. 

I have to take all the necessary steps to take care of myself and do everything in my power to make sure when I’m in the trenches; inside the matches in the important tournaments; I can be as focused on the games as possible. This is just so I can make the playing field close to level. 

Otherwise I am going to be reading cards, and playing slow unconfident magic. 

This is a big one; I believe. 

I think one thing a lot of players are lacking in pushing themselves to higher levels is the confidence in their decisions. I used to struggle with this a lot (still do sometimes) and I would constantly second guess things multiple times every turn. 

Over time, I’ve learned that if you put in the work... 

You practice; 

Play actual games and learn the interactions; 

You can really lean on your instincts and exude confidence in yourself that goes a long way in winning matches of Magic the Gathering. 

(Look at almost all of the best players. They are confident in their decisions in the games, even when they end up making mistakes.) 

But enough with the nonsense; let’s get to the tournament prep so we can blaze through that boring shit and get to the sweet 16 PT rounds 

(spoilers: there may be more than 16) 

Collin Rountree is torn between testing with Me Ty Will and the Houston Slack, and testing with team 5% captained by Allen “The Process” Wu. 

Of course the choice is obvious, but Collin doesn’t want to leave all the local bangers in the dust. 

He lobbies on our behalf, and Me Ty Will and Eddie all join team 5%. 

I am not a stranger to large testing teams. 

I spent four PTs testing with team TCG/SCG and we averaged around 15 people. The difference was that we always met up in person a week or more ahead of time for an intense testing period, and also I guess we had more dueling personalities.

Shoutout to everyone on those squads those were great times. 

But when you have Steve Rubin Seth Manfield Corey Burkhart Andrea Mengucii mixed with Brad BBD Martell Kibler mixed with Me Fennell GerryT Josh Cho mixed with Ari Lax trying to organize everything for everyone..... 

Anyone who knows these people can see how this led to some logistics issues and some heated arguments about who is not pulling their weight, or who is just showing up late and mooching, or who keeps brewing decks with no mana bases and sideboards and bringing them to Brad telling them they are great and we have to play games with them (another shoutout to Fennell, hope he reads this and fires up a modo draft tonight. And shoutout to Brad for creating the no 75, no games rule. You can’t fucking say you made a deck if you don’t have a manabase or a sideboard, and some brewers out there may need to hear that again.) 

Team 5% (7.1673746%) is all online testing. 

We use a discord with dedicated channels to all the constructed decks, all the limited topics, logistics, and chalkdiesel/washed bad beat/rant rooms/RIP Rimrock Knight etc. etc. so you can see how it stays pretty clean, organized, and simple. 

But no really, having so many people gives us an edge on many fronts. 

There is usually always someone available to battle. We can cover a lot of ground really quickly. Multiple people are brewing and many people are tuning the known decks. Lots of different opinions and we end up covering all the limited archetypes quickly as the drafts pile in. 

All of this being said, my best two PT results from the past are when I worked alone. 

I usually draft infinite (75-100) times (when I lose I drop and draft again. And sometimes I drop when winning just to draft again) and I just try to play the best deck in constructed. 

This I have learned is a recipe for success for me. 

But I was happy to join this team. My intention was to just do the same thing, but have some people to talk to while I drafted 75-100 times and tuned the best deck. 

I worked with a few of these players back in the TCG days (shoutout to Ari and Corey, and again to Corey for winning the PT let’s gooooooo) and everyone that I heard was currently on this 5% team; I liked. 

So for my testing I did almost purely magic online. 

I did around 60 drafts after all was said and done. In constructed, I played a ton of UW control and small amounts of all the other stock decks, and watched a lot of streams. 

I wanted to be familiar with the format but not go too hard until the days leading up to; during; and right after the first 2 RPTs. 

What a weird dynamic, having 2 pro tours 5 days before deck submission for your pro tour. 

It really worked out in our favor because our team is so big and we were able to quickly attack the new and perceived future metagame. 

Nothing at those two tournaments made me waiver from wanting to register UW control. 

I was still beating everything, and I predicted the metagame would be 20%ish UB invertor and then spirits, red, black, and sultai delerium/invertor uro decks would be all around 10%. 

When I say I was beating everything, I was beating everything. 

Granted these were in leagues, but it was mostly all against real decks and my constructed rating was skyrocketing above my limited. 

Not a thing I am accustomed to. 

I had a 17-1 record against mono red, and no cap. I had a 12-2 record against mono black. I had a 8-1 record against UB invertor. 

I crushed Collin so badly with our teams current front running mono white devotion that he decided to add 4 Gideon Ally of Zendikar to the maindeck and try again. 

A 4-0 for me later in which he resolved 5 Gideons led to him telling the discord he is off it. “Bursavich just beat me every single game and I resolved gideon in all of them.” 

The only deck I ever lost matches to was spirits but I still won more than I lost against it. 

Around Monday our team was all piling on to the breach deck realizing how good it was, and I joined in to. 

I played a prelim and a league and immediately bought all of the cards from cardkingdom. But after my next few matches I was feeling very conflicted. 

I was very worried how bad UW was against breach, but I didn’t think breach would break 7-8% or the metagame anyway. And I can tweak UW some to have a shot I tell myself. 

The breach deck is obviously busted, but it’s a combo deck with a weird puzzle-like 3 step combo. 

First you have to get 2 lands into play and then play lotus field, then u have to play a thespians stage and copy it, and then u have to kill your opponent with ur huge amounts of mana. 

But the deck is so consistent and sort of resilient that I found myself trying to play it like a midrange deck. 

I have these faes and grazers and pores and viziers, I can block! And Fae for planeswalkers and grind people out or take all these weird dynamic lines... and then I realized I was fucking up a lot. 

The games are not always intuitive to me, and I won’t be able to live with myself if I register this and play horribly to lose games I should win, considering there will likely be some number of games my deck fails and I can’t win (or my opponent is prepared with damping sphere or one of the other 1-2 cards that do anything at all to stop this abomination of a deck) 

So a few hours after ordering the breach cards I am going to bed Monday night and I know I’m going to play UW control... 

Shoutout to the squad though! 

They really crushed it over these few days and perfected the breach list and had all the matchups figured out down to the T. 

Our limited meetings were great and I believe they really helped everyone a lot and we had an overall great showing in limited. 

I spend all day Tuesday and Wednesday with magic online open and the discord on my other monitor. 

I occasionally jam some games with teammates but for many many hours I just stare at my UW decklist while catching up on the latest breach tech. 

I just stare at the deck..... 

For hours

I went to get lunch and came back and stared some more. 

It was perfect and there was just nothing to cut. 

I wanted another hard counter in my deck but could not find the space. 

I have been moving 1 card around here and there, swapping 3rd field of ruin for the 4th Glacial, swapping back, then swapping back again. going down to 1 absorb and back to the 2/2 split back to 1. Moving around seal away D sphere narset lantern thassas intervention Mystical Dispute elspeth etc. etc. but mostly keeping the same core 73-75 cards the same. 

With a few hours left in submission and all the data pouring in, we realize that LSV Huey and a large swath of great players have all been spotted in leagues today playing breach. 

I am suddenly panicked bc the matchup is still quite bad. 

I have a few good cards, but nothing to swing it past like a 33% matchup at best.

I know damping sphere is my only real option if I want to respect it, and I’m of the mindset that doing so is normally a bit silly. 

While the deck is obviously busted, it’s been 5 days and many players are uncomfortable playing decks of this style. 

My general guess is that it breaking 6-7% of the field will still be unlikely, and I think it pushing above 10% would be crazy. 

So I can expect to play vs it once on average?? 

Not so fast. 

This is a new RPT with a wide open field, but still a lot of goats at the top. 

Turns out you almost always have to defeat multiple goats to get the trophy in PT’s... 

And I didn’t fly to Phoenix just to have a good ole time and settle for 6th place, so I man up and delete 2 Monastery Mentor for 2 Damping Sphere. 

This will hurt me in mirrors and vs Invertor, but I am confident I will be fine anyway. 

With 10 minutes left in submission I consider adding a 3rd sphere but am too lazy to open back up my laptop and know I won’t be able to cut any of the beautiful cards in my sideboard for it anyway. 

Enough with the boring shit; let’s get to the tournament!!! 

Part2 coming tomorrow!

[spamzineglasgow]

SPAM Digest #5 (Feb 2019)

A quick of the editors’ current favourite critical essays, post-internet think pieces, and literature reviews that have influenced the way we think about contemporary poetics, technology and storytelling. 

‘Terminology’ by Callie Gardner, Granta

I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve recommended Callie Gardner’s astonishing piece, ‘Terminology’, to friends and family. Sometimes you read something and it’s as though the world decided to refashion its atoms around the text, wear it like a brand new garment. I had to cry a little, admittedly, to realise this. I guess I was reading the essay in darkest November and found myself astounded by its honesty and light. It’s not all sunshine, but it’s definitely a form of waking up, of gradual awareness and loosening. ‘Terminology’ begins with a sleeper train, a world where people wake up in carriages and put on what they want to, unbound by the violent constraints of our usual distinctions. These people keep their differences, but the differences are no longer scars of history, privilege.

The sleeper train is going somewhere. This future is open, potential; this future is based on care. This world, this place we drift towards on the train (I say we now, because I too want in on this world), is named Iris, ‘after the Roman goddess of the rainbow’. Iris, perhaps, is without terminus, the people that live there ‘speak a language with a hundred pronouns’. If this is a utopia, it is ‘an unscientific utopia’ that nevertheless glows with what already exists, what is within our reach: the charge of a ‘queerness in everything’. It is a mantra, a lullaby world and ‘a wish given flesh’. I wish every essay began with a world like this, a speculative projection towards where we could be when we open up, seek some generous expanse to sink into, flexing our selves afresh.

‘Terminology’ is about the body. It is about appearance and disguise, about survival, performance, expectation. It is about the precarity of the genderqueer person in public space, the social ties they might make out of safety, necessity. It draws attention to the everyday actions the genderqueer person might make for the sake of their own survival. The fact that we occupy space radically differently, depending on how society chooses to stratify our identities and consequent vulnerabilities. ‘Terminology’ moves from the hypothetical experience of the genderqueer person to the author’s own encounters with daily microaggressions, media representation and social relations in public, creative and professional space. Gardner describes, acutely, the violence of misgendering, intentional or otherwise: its physiological effect on the body, akin to a kind of dissociative paralysis, abjection. ‘Maybe this makes no sense to you’, Gardner writes, ‘It doesn’t make much more sense to me’. This is an essay of admission, working through, coming to terms, learning respect.

The reason I constantly recommend ‘Terminology’ is that it states the fundamentals with absolute clarity: ‘language is not ours to use without consequence’. It asks for an ethics in which we question what our words might do in a certain context, how we make and shape reality with discourse. Recently, the songwriter Kiran Leonard put it so eloquently in an interview, arguing that tenderness and cultural responsibility is ‘about thinking through when I’m speaking in the world, speaking against a thing, what world am I looking at, what world am I creating when I say these things, and what worlds are other people creating’. The world of Iris is a world we might make with a more commodious language, one which permits an expanded, plural sociality.

Gardner tentatively imagines what Iris would actually look like, the features of its ecology and landscape. I am reminded of the work of Queer Nature, ‘a queer-run nature education and ancestral skills program serving the local LGBTQ2+ community’: a collective who make it their mission to make links between the survival skills queer populations have developed for themselves, ancestral wilderness skills and other forms of marginalised knowledge. Wilderness, conventionally the domain of dominant hetero-male, becomes a queer space in which collectivity and silenced forms of self-reliance map onto the terrain as an active, responsive, symbiotic space of wonder, vulnerability and healing: an ‘Ecology of Belonging’, as Queer Nature put it. There is, in queer ecology, a blurring of active/passive as a binary. Survival might be about avoidance or withdrawal as much as presence and action.

Walking through Gardner’s imaginary Iris, we realise we won’t reach this space without confronting questions of identity around capitalism, sexuality, culture and ‘nature’. What is it to feel something as natural at all? Since society likes to police what is considered ‘natural’, how do we frame queer subjective experiences of embodied reality in collective contexts, without essentialising? There is the beautiful admission that queerness is not just about who or how you do or don’t fuck, but also about how you live, how you need to live. The doing of gender and intimacy. And looking for a language, a vernacular, a cultural narrative through which you might play out that life, which is not defined essentially but perhaps intuitively, iteratively, interdependently. Gardner calls for the necessity for nuance in a world where the conditions of survival often confuse the bounds of romance or friendship. If ‘gender is only history’, then we have to really reflect on where we are here and where we are going. Sadly, we aren’t going to wake up from the sleeper train in a lovely, wholly unbound country. But this isn’t to say utopian thought is useless. For Gardner, wanting a place like Iris is not a weakness but actually ‘a resource’ for recalibrating the self within dead-end, heteronormative histories.

The question of queer futurity versus Lee Edelman’s ‘No Future’ is of course a complex and rich one, which I haven’t space to go into here. What’s more interesting is the fact that this essay celebrates the possible while recognising difficulties and limits within the imagining of a place like Iris, as much as reminding us what happens in lived spaces like queer communities. Ultimately, ‘Gender is at once a material condition and a psychical state’. This essay, ‘Terminology’, is one of those rare places where the actual extent of what that means is acknowledged. Nothing covered in this essay bears easy solution or simple resistance, position. Identity, standpoint, community and experience are entangled in questions of occupation, flux and, frankly, difficulty. I learn a lot within its gauzy bounds, I find clarity of a sort; I look at the world around me anew, and I feel an openness in myself that, for once, I lack words for. I realise this is okay, I just need to read on; there is so much more to understand.  ‘Citation’, as Gardner reminds us, can be used ‘as transfeminist practice’. As such, I encourage your own turning to ‘Terminology’: to follow its list of transfeminist writers, to think about your own version of Iris; mostly, to read and to listen, to drape this warmth over your shoulders, share it with others, without condition.

M.S

‘24 Hours Watching DAU, the Most Ambitious Film Project of All Time’, by Hunter Dukes and McNeil Taylor, Hyperallergic

This SPAM Digest might break the rules a little bit—it's a review of a review, and it has absolutely nothing to do with poetry—but do bear with me; I promise you I’m getting somewhere.

Last month, Mac Taylor and Hunter Dukes (yes, those are two real-life people; have you ever seen a better pair of names) went to Paris for the premiere of DAU, a film project of Tom McCarthian inclinations, and insane if not obscene logistic, aesthetic, and conceptual ambitions. Directed by the young Russian director Ilya Khrzhanovsky, DAU tells the story of Soviet physicist Lev Landau; Khrzhanovsky hired thousands of actors—or “participants”— as he refers to them, and deployed them to a custom-built set in Ukraine reproducing a research-facility. As Taylor and Dukes report:

From 2009 to 2011, the amateur actors stayed more or less in character. They lived like full-time historical reenactors, dressing in Stalin-era clothes, earning and spending Soviet rubles, doing their jobs: as scientists, officers, cleaners, and cooks. The film set became a world of its own. In all, 700 hours of footage were shot; this was eventually cut into a series of 13 distinct features, collectively titled DAU.

Apart from my obvious fascination with this Reamainder-like gargantuan re-enactment (did I mention I love Tom McCarthy), what really struck me was the format this project was shown in at the premiere:

To enter the [sprawling] exhibit, which runs through February 17th, you must apply for a “visa” through DAU’s online portal, choose a visit length (the authors of this article opted for 24 hours), and fill out a confidential questionnaire about your psychological, moral, and sexual history. Respondents answer yes or no to such statements as:

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN IMBALANCE OF POWER

IN THE RIGHT SITUATION, EVERYONE COULD HAVE THE CAPACITY TO KILL

Downloaded onto a smartphone, this psychometric profile becomes your guide to the exhibition. In theory, your device can unlock tailored screenings, concerts, and other experiences. In reality, none of this technology has been implemented in the theaters or museum. But it does not matter.

The premiere organisers chose to design and explicitly articulate the experience of a world around the experience of the world of the film; and to tailor this experience, in turn, around the premiere’s visitor themselves. Apart from sounding like a lot of fun, this exploitation and amplification (if not redoubling)  of film’s world-building capacity made me immediately wonder: what would this practice would look like when applied to poetry instead of film? (I know, I have a one-track mind.)

One of the traits that poetry and film seem to me to share is the potential to conjure up alternative worlds that seems obey to their own logic and set of rules. Like film, long poems or poetry ensembles (pamphlets, collections, sometimes entire oeuvres, or to a lesser extent magazines) often seem to respond to aesthetic parametres of their own making, and to establish a certain unique space for experience that can only be accessed through the artwork itself. We all know what the world of David Lynch is, and what it is like—we know what it looks like, what it feels like, what is allowed and what is not allowed within its limits. And we know the world of Gertrude Stein or John Ashbery or Sophie Collins the same way; there’s not only a tone to this space of experience, but a also a flexible and entirely nebulous set of rules that seems to dictate—to code, if we want to throw in a sprinkle of the gratuitous post-internet buzzwords we SPAM people are suckers for—how the world behaves and how it responds to our attention.

Dukes and Taylor rightfully call DAU ‘a beguiling collection of moving images that call into question our basic assumptions about film production and consumption’, and I wonder what a poetry project with the same goal would look like. Apart from the cool re-enactment part, I imagine what it would be like if poetry could be tailored to one's history or personality; spending a day moving from venue to venue to take in bits of an orchestrations of poetry readings running 24/7. It probably wouldn’t work; it definitely wouldn’t work. But it got me thinking about what an alternative modality to deliver poetry IRL would look like. There has definitely been lots of experimentation (although never enough, IMHO) with the visual presentation of poetry: I’m thinking of Crispin Best’s pleaseliveforever, a poem that refreshes itself every few seconds into new L=A=N=G=U=A=G=E/lol combinations of words (what is the poem, then? The structure? The algorithm?); his poem that fades into lighter gray, only to darken into normal text as you keep scrolling down the page (what was it call? where did it go? Help @crispinbest). I’m thinking of video poems and surreal memes (yes you can @ me, those are poems). But readings are rarely stranger than a just a reading. We should get thinking about they could become weirder. Does anyone know how to make holograms?

D.B.

Image from Internet Machine by Timo Arnall (2014). image credit: Timo Arnall.

Always Inside, Always Enfolded into the Metainterface: A Roundtable Discussion Speakers: Christian Ulrik Andersen, Elisabeth Nesheim, Lisa Swanstrom,Scott Rettberg, Søren Pold

Having been fascinated by Søren Pold's writing on literature and translation in relation to the interface, I knew when I saw this new roundtable discussion that it would most likely be making SPAM's February Digest. This discussion, made available on the Electronic Literature Review website, brings together the above speakers to discuss many of the ideas explored in Christian Ulrik Andersen and Søren Pold's 2018 publication, The Metainterface: The Art of Platforms, Cities, and Clouds (The MIT Press).

Covering a diverse range of theorists, artists, designers and academics, the speakers take as their focus the idea of the metainterface, examining how interfaces have moved beyond the computer into cultural platforms, such as net art and electronic literature. Forming part of this analysis are considerations of how the computer interface, through becoming embedded in everyday objects such as the smartphone, has become both omnipresent and invisible. Through exploring the different relationships that form between art and interfaces, the authors note that whilst during many smart interactions the interface becomes invisible, it tends to gradually resurface, the displaced interface then creating a metainterface. Their argument is that art can help us to see this, with the interface becoming a site of aesthetic attention.

It is the question of aesthetic attention, in varying forms, that runs through this discussion, offering the reader a profusion of references of artists whose work examines the metainterface. One piece that stood out to me was Camouflaged Cell Concealment Sites by the Canadian-American artist, Betty Beaumont. This piece consists of a collection of photos taken of cell phone towers disguised as pine trees or Saguaro cactuses. As Lisa Swanstrom notes in the discussion, they're terribly disguised, but ones that you could still overlook if you weren't paying attention. Similarly, Nicole Starosielski's The Undersea Network, is a book that makes visible the materiality of the internet through mapping the global network of fibre optic cables that runs along seabeds. In bringing these works to our attention, Swanstrom notes how both examples are questioning the aesthetics of infrastructure, as both are trying to reveal something about the ways in which we experience it, not just know of it.

Responding to the question of what our role as critical users of the metainterface is, Pold draws our attention to the fact that we are always a part of the interface and have to work from the fact of being embedded, as there is essentially no outside. This invites the question of how the artists and writers can respond to the conditioning of self into the metainterface. As Andersen points out, whilst there is no safe haven 'outside' of the interface, there are certain tactics that can be developed as a user. The example given, a chapter entitled Watching The Med by Eric Snodgrass in his work Executions: Power and Expression in Networked and Computational Media (Malmö University, 2017), points to how real users operate in the Mediterranean Sea (now a highly-politicized landscape) by switching between different GPS technologies and Twitter to 'recombine media in a tactical way'. The key idea to take from this is that whilst a reconsideration of our approach to tactical media in the condition of the interface is necessary, it doesn't mean we cannot operate on platformed versions of tactical media such as Facebook or Twitter.

Another point of focus in this discussion I found especially captivating was the consideration of the posthuman machine in relation to the reformulation of labour, in particular Scott Rettberg's consideration of the interface as an intermediate layer between humans and machines. In questioning whether we are moving towards a system in which the interfaces themselves generate human labour for the benefit of corporate entities, Rettberg poses the question of whether we can be alienated from our labour if we are not conscious of being laborours? This leads into a contemplation on the condition of cultural tiredness, an awareness that a certain media platform, such as Facebook, is packed with problems regarding social interaction and data protection, but still we continue to use its service.

Cautious of covering more than needs to be said in this digest, I will close by returning to the fundamental question that Pold and Andersen put forward in their work: the role of art and literature in shedding light on the behaviour and ontology of the metainterface. I find it interesting to learn that Pold started out by studying literature, before moving into a study of digital aesthetics. Perhaps it was the combination of these two domains that allowed him to see the act of reading the everyday interfaces of life as a literary act. This seems to be echoed in Andersen's response to the question of art and literature's role in an age of environmental crisis and metaintertface, whereby he looks to Walter Benjamin's definition of an author as a producer. To see the artist or writer as 'someone who produces not only the narrative, but who is a realist in the sense that he or she reflects what it means to produce in the circumstances that you are embedded in. So, the role of the author in the 21st century is to 'not only to use the interface as a media for the production of new narratives, but also use the interface, and reflect the interface as a system of production'.

With questions such as 'how are we being written by machines?' and 'how have we become media?' still yet to be answered, I encourage anyone interested in posthumanism and digital aesthetics to make their way through the full discussion.

M.P.

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: the sweet subtleness of time

...or some other shittastic ~~pensive~~ title because I'm so fucking out of goddamn fucks already it's the 14th half of january is gone jesus christ stop fucking moving so fast i would like off this ride thanks

I like the organization of "new year resolutions" not really because I believe you need to wait for a calendar year to make serious changes, but because there's something very neat about the way things can slot into having to write a new date on all your sign-offs and checks do people still use checks? i only have to sign them at work and lists and notes; to the excel spreadsheet that is my mind1, I like the way aligning change with change sorts itself.

This year I am returning to quantifiable goals in some ways, since the general vagueness of "do X more" may be more friendly but does not truly work in the lifestyle I have at the moment. I wanted to do a deep introspective post as a lead in but fuck that, I already have two truly severe horror stories about 20172 and it's the 14th, but I feel like I want to make a statement about the year before I devolve back into bitchcraft and wizardry.

As another change this year, I am looking for friends to help keep me accountable to these things. I've already roped and wrangled a couple people along with me, but if you have similar goals, let's discuss ways we can shame uh motivate SHAME each other into proceeding, or mainly just me, I require someone to - not compete with, but to keep up with, in a way, anyway, I am terrible so do stop.

So here is a list of my intentions for what I have labeled 12/52/365/20173:

Health. Rather than breaking this down into a tale of my woes and triggering an actual breakdown I will instead list the targets:

Get more than 4.5 hours of (good, deep, REM) sleep on average. According to my Fitbit, my average in 2016 was below 4.5 hours4. This involves a lot of things, including going to bed earlier and somehow figuring out how robots relax.

Working out. My goal for working out is to visit the gym - or otherwise work out - on at least 1/3 of the days of 2017: 122/365/2017. 122 visits. This is 2-3 workouts a week on average which should be doable for someone with fibro, assuming I keep them reasonable.

General. Continue stocking and making healthy food at home. Drink less at home5. Go back to packing lunches for work.

Weight/Size. Due to medication changes, 3 surgeries, and a major job change with severely increased my responsibilities, I gained 25-30 lb in 2017, putting me into the beginnings of an unhealthy place I don't want to be6. It's also fairly annoying to be at the upper limit of most of my clothing, to be frank. My goal is to use the above 3 points to try to lose 25+ pounds in 2017, OR return to the range of a size 8-107 where my clothing lives. 25/2017. A half a pound a week will do.

Writing. lassarina is my partner here; we have pledged to write a fic a week of at least 100 words using a list of prompts we gathered earlier. (Of course, I am already behind, although I plan to work on that immediately after this entry.) 52/2017. The hope, of course, is that writing small things helps to spur the writing of larger things. They will be posted on AO3 and linked from here.

subgoal: at least 1 entry a week on DW (52/2017), and 1 entry a week on my secret business blog which I will share once I have some substance (52/2017).

Art. justira is my partner here; we have, quite hilariously, pledged to draw a thing a day. For Ira, those things may be recognizable as art; for me, I reserve the right to draw a shit doodle with my finger on my iPhone, as long as it is a drawing of some sort. They'll be posted right here at the Feymarch Library where most of my art shame lives.

Home. Of course I have big statements to make about the first floor remodel I want to do, but honestly this is about habits, so my 2017 goal is to declutter my life. Every day I will do at least 1 chore dedicated to decluttering my home8 or otherwise making my life easier (cooking a big meal for the week, etc).

Mental. A few mantras I am focusing on:

Allow hobbies to be chores. This sounds counter-intuitive, but last year I got away from a lot of hobbies I love because I had "so much other shit to do" that was more important in my mind. This year, writing, art, knitting, gaming, reading; these are allowed to be chores I can give priority to. It's okay to write if I still have dishes to do.

Recharge your battery. If I have a night where I am truly in too much pain to do anything, I need to stop whining and griping about that, and instead focus on my own comfort and recovery, because self-care is allowed to be a priority, also.

Ground myself. I'm not a nice person by default9 so making a pledge to share the love or be kinder doesn't really mean anything to me; but I believe I can eliminate some of the negative energy by grounding myself more and letting it just pass on into the neutral environment rather than building up a static charge.

Be more of who you are. I lost my way at work somewhat this year faced with a gigantic new challenge with no lessening of my previous responsibilities, interpersonal conflicts, and some sporadic and questionable criticism. Moving forward I need to remember who the fuck I am and be that lady as hard as possible, because that's where I am awesomest.

Allow myself to unplug. I don't have to be tied to my phone - not just for work, but texting with friends or playing stamina games. I can leave it in the corner and just be for an evening.

Work. I need to focus on managing more: I am a manager, not a contributor, and I need to focus more on leading and guiding people in big-picture ways towards improvement. Too many people list me as a project leader or member, when I should not be a worker on anyone's project - and this is what makes my job so unmanageable. It isn't just me letting go; I need to make it clear to others that there should be more than one person who knows how to do the things I do.

Family & Friends.

See my nieces at least once a month. See my parents at least once a quarter.

Continue to work with my partner on this great relationship we have developed. Learn to ask him for help more, and learn where his boundaries are for asking help. Show love and appreciation better. Develop a good schedule for spending more time together - we are both very obviously happier and healthier when we do.

Try to visit someone or travel at least once a quarter -- traveling is really costly to me in terms of energy, but I have broken through some of my traveling-and-health fears last year (Japan!) so it would be cool to travel a bit with friends when the opportunity is there.

Stay in touch: post, email, text. Reach out in new areas.

Seven is my lucky number. That's 2017.

1 (mind palace?? nothing so fancy; my brain is a four-dimensional fully-formulated spreadsheet archive with tabs, complete with charts, graphs, and little programs that sort by categories and make a smiley face out of pixels.)

2 the first, about my fucking furnace; the second, about my fucking supervisor. stay tuned for more great literature on what makes my life a goddamned shitshow shitcom!

3 because I want to quantify it and report on things, see, like the project manager i am

4 Now, the reason I am not dead is because there is also some restless sleep in there, but the problem is twofold: (a) i only get 4.5 fucking hours of the good sleep (b) the good sleep comes in 30-45 minute spurts which is nowhere near what's needed for mental recovery (c) for fibromyalgia one of the most productive and healing things you can do is get REM sleep.

5 lolololoLLOLOLOLLOOLLOOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL

6 lots of family history of pre-diabetes; I've already noticed my hypoglycemia and blood sugar problems are getting worse. I realize this isn't always correlated to weight but as there is some data pointing that way (scientific as well as family), I want to be sure to avoid it, because dude if you stack fuckin diabetes on top of this stack of medical bullshit I may just ravine myself

7 since women's sizes can never make up their damn minds

8 on bad days this might actually be something like "put dishes in dishwasher" but let's face it sometimes even that doesn't happen

9 nothing against anyone, I'm just kind of sociopathic and hate people in general; i've learnt to "play nice" and I can and do feel love for specific people, but i'm really just not friendly

comments Comment? http://ift.tt/2ixhKTU

[agirlnamedsteve]

Some conversations I’ve been having recently

Conversation 1:

[in response to an instagram story about the timothée chalamet/harry styles interview]

Steve: I adored that interview. May or may not have been emotionally wrecked by it [hasn’t read the full thing yet, just read internet commentary on it as of now]

Maggie: I’m actually super interested in this. I was just talking to Madeline about this. What parts particularly struck you/resonated with you?

S: Hey sorry it took so long for me to respond

S: I think the part where they talk about the contrast of being a public figure which comes with a certain amount of self celebration, especially during awards season, when so many people are suffering

S: It just seemed like the sort of conversation that I was really happy to see in print that happened between two celebrities

S: Like bringing up social media and the Arab spring seemed really random, but also like something that would randomly come up if my friends and I were talking about stuff like this

S: The masculinity part of the conversation wasn’t the most nuanced thing I’ve ever heard but I appreciated it a lot

S: They both just come off as really genuine guys and I hope this sort of interview/interaction between celebrities becomes more visible. 

M: Yeah I pretty much feel the exact same.

M: I think that i should stops calling it an interview because it’s a conversation. It feels like two guys meeting for the first time at a party and discovering they have similar interests and thoughts and just having a very natural convo.

M: Even if the questions were planned it felt very real. So everyday. And like it just happened to be recorded for us to read.

M: Also super interesting to contrast Harry who has been in the spotlight for so long with Timmy who is so new to the world.

M: And how much I feel Harry could teach him.

S: Yeah that was a really beautiful beginning, like I can’t believe that was the first time they’ve talked

S: Made me smile, I’m a sucker 

S: Just seemed like two normal guys but they’ve both ~made it~

S: Timmy talking about his family was sweet as heck 

S: I didn’t feel like they necessarily did justice to talking about the social responsibility of celebrities but I like that it was mentioned

M: And I think the part about gratefulness really hit me. The idea that they are both trying to remind themselves that they aren’t owed any that they have but that they are really lucky.

M: Yeah it felt like a throw away

M: Some of it I don’t think they really got deep enough into. The stuff that felt forced because they felt like they had to bring it up. Instead of it coming up casually.

M: I think the reason people are really into this article is because it makes these mythical people so present and quotidien and relatable

M: Like they could just be our friends 

M: And it feels quite intimate 

S: It does feel so intimate. And I have a good friend on this program who went to la guardia with Timmy and knows him in such an intimate way, so I feel like that reminds me of his humanity as well

S: It seems very genuine, but I also can’t help but wonder how much of this is also about image and knowing it’s the right thing for them to say

M: Yeah. And I’ve heard from people at la guardian that he is actually a pretty great guy

M: Yeah. What I thought was particularly interesting was the difference in composite between the two. 

M: Like Harry seems so put together and Timmy feels like a mess. Like not in a bad way just like more nervous and rambley and how the years of coaching and PR people changes how you do these sort of things. But also Timmy has been praised for this so I wonder also if he’s playing it up at this point. Like people point to it as proof that he’s genuine.

S: Okay I noticed that too, and it might be age, and it might be him playing up the rambling young charismatic genuine guy-thing he has going on. Regardless I kind of loved the chatter. 

S: There were questions I felt Timmy didn’t actually answer though, like in the fluster of trying to keep the conversation it seemed like there was something missed. But also phone interviews are so interesting. Like your words that you say, which you can’t easily manipulate without training and practice, can come out sounding super different than you wanted based on context and reactions to the unknowns of verbal conversation. 

S: I guess phone interviews aren’t any different than in-person interviews minus body language, which I always find interesting to read about in journalists’ second-hand perspectives when they do write-ups of the interviews. 

S: But I have been thinking a lot about how social media allows us to curate our words in a way that changes how we communicate in general. 

M: And how much practice you get. 

M: Yeah it’s weird because Harry is only like two years older but has been famous for so long. And I at least take comfort in the idea that Timmy at least was first rambley genuinely. But I always get freaked out by whether I’m being manipulated or not. 

M: But also Harry’s specificness makes him sound so mature like wow.

S: Media manipulation! I was just talking about how I feel like I’m being constantly mislead by mainstream media and my own ‘free thought’ isn’t free thought at all. 

S: And I try my best to find out things for myself, but the internet is wide and vast and can very easily turn into an echo chamber. 

M: I’m terrified because there are people who’s job it is to make us think a very specific thing.

M: And they are so good at it. 

S: How do we make sure we don’t all just turn into sheep?!

Conversation 1: 

[lovey dovey but also reflective] 

Steve: I was doing some reflecting the other day and wrote stuff down in the most of my academic notes

S: Allow me to transcribe because it’s literally illegible

Max: Please do. 

S: Max really handles disappointment well. Like he fails with grace and that’s not an easy skill to learn, it’s intuitive. He know what’s he wants to do and others see that in him. I always look forward to seeing how he handle disappointment and fears of the unknown with grace and embrace those  harder times knowing that he offers so much support for himself and others in those spaces of discomfort. Also pancakes can always cure the worst moments.

M: That’s a really beautiful thing for you to notice and share with me. I’ve never thought anything close to that about myself before. 

M: Can I share a reflection I’ve had recently?

S: please do. 

M: it’ll take a sec

S: Go for it 

M: So it’s definitely a document sized reflection so I made a doc for it in the drive

M: But here it is anyway for convenience

M: Alison,

You know that I love love. I've read books and listened to philosophical speeches and podcasts and even taken a dang class on the matter. I think and talk about love all the time. When I was younger I understood love to be complex but not necessarily dynamic. I knew it was something that required some form of "work" to sustain but then I framed it more as maintenance, upkeep that both parties participated in to maintain the love that they shared. I could conceive of the oh so many factors that make up a relationship, communication, time, sex, affection, compassion etc. At the time all of these things were external, each of them pieces of the love bus to be tinkered with it so it would run smoothly for many miles. What I couldn't have conceptualized at the time was what it means to grow with someone. Not to somehow "induce" growth on the other person or encourage them to make positive changes in their life but to look inside myself and search for what I really want and push myself to figure out how to get there and then actually put in the work to get closer and closer, day by day. 

This has been a really hard few months for me. I've been met with many disappointments in my family, my work, and personal life, and spent many hours lamenting about each of them. All the while I've thought some version of "if Alison were here things would be better. We could talk and laugh and fuck and dine and do all the things that made me oh so happy when we were in the same place." 

I've thought a lot about where that thought comes from and must first say it's absolutely valid and for the most part true. Doing anything with you is immeasurably better that doing the same thing without you, just reading your words on the page or a screen makes me want to shout with glee and affection no matter where I am (usually I just smile like a young me in an arcade for a while for fear of alarming those around me [other times I just shout because i dont give a FUCK])

I think part of the reason our love and are relationship felt so unique and special from the beginning was that each of us were so satisfied as individuals. We have deep connections with amazing friends and ask questions about complex issues and take great pleasure in struggling to find answers. We are passionate about so many things and recognize the value of our time and the way we spend it. And when we came together we just kind of celebrated all of that in this awesome way where we would celebrate both each other as people and all those amazing things that make us who we are. Its intoxicating, and incredibly addicting. In these months where things have been hard and I’m not spending my time in ways that situait my heart and my soul I’ve looked to you to fill that space, when I need to take responsibility and fill that space myself no matter how near or far you are.

I think I got a bit lost in immeasurable grandeur that is our love, and it has taken me a lot of thinking and talking and writing to understand and really believe that I am so much more than my love for you. Though it is overwhelming and feels allencomapsing it is just a part of who I am. As hard as this distance has been I am so thankful for it, as it has given me the space to think and feel through things I could only do on my own. It's so wild to think about how our story and how the year between matching on tinder and getting coffee in Olin was so necessary for both of us. 

Growth is hard and it's painful, both physically and emotionally, and I want to grow with you, separately and together, from near and far, for as long as we want to. I hope it's for a really really long time.

I have a much greater understanding for what you said to me over the summer, that you didn't want to be THE thing that either made me happy. That's a lot of pressure, and I can imagine doesn't feel very good. 

of course, recognizing all these things is just the start. As hard as it was to get her now a different kind of work starts that may prove to be even harder. I need to take action in my own life and make the changes that feel right, that draw from the deep well of passion I know I have inside me and drive me forward. And If I'm lucky I'll get to tell you all about it

S: Oh wow I loved reading that

S: That is so big

S: Thank you for sharing 

S: You’re literally so self aware and want to do the work on yourself that people need to do (esp men in general if I’m being honest) and that just took a lot of pressure off of me to have to ask you to do that work, so wow I’m honestly honored

S: Never stop growing, I never want to stop growing with you

S: And I agree wholeheartedly especially with the middle section about how much that year was important for us, and how we came into this relationship both knowing ourselves so well and being so established and happy so we just relished in being able to enjoy each other

S: that’s so special. 

S: I think we’ll definitely get back to that place. I don’t feel like we’ve left it, but it’s different ya know?

M: It feels so good to share that with you

M: Of course of course, and the “place” were in together will always be changing and always be beautiful

M: I just sort of started thinking and all of a sudden some of those things just became really clear

S: wow yeah I love that 

M: me too. 

[bynkii]

Everyone should try doing standup

It’s amazing what trying to be funny on stage can teach you

First, this isn’t a “yeah, and then you’d see how hard it is” post. I think that most reasonable people can intuit that being funny on stage in front of strangers is really hard. Since I assume people are reasonable, I’m not going to explain that part.

What I am going to talk about is what doing local amateur (okay, I got paid once, but I don’t think I’m really a “professional” comedian yet) standup can do in terms of helping you communicate better in all sorts of settings that have nothing to do with standup.

Know Your Material

If any of you have been to a local open mic night, (and if you haven’t you should, they’re really cool), you’ve seen the person who’s not done a lot, if any comedy before and figured they’d wing it. It is rare that it works out well for them. Being able to just walk on stage and riff off of whatever pops into your head and be funny to a group of random people, especially if you’re a n00b is hard. Like “Never played guitar before doing the solo from “My Sharona” perfectly” hard.

What you learn, and what I’ve learned is that the folks who are the funniest work the hardest. They think about their material. Not just the basic joke, but the arc of it. Should it be a short ‘in and out’, should it be part of a longer story? What about this is the funny bit? Is it a formal punchline? Is it the entire story? How do I end this? I’ve had stories that are funny in the middle, but the ending just sucks, because they don’t really end as much as I move on to something else. The person I think is the funniest in my local standup scene is also the hardest-working person in the room. That’s not coincidence.

You have to think about what you’re going to say, why you’re going to use this instead of that. I imagine everyone reading this can think of a dozen meetings or presentations where you wish to $DEITY that the person had thought about what they’re saying and why a lot more. Or at all.

In any situation, be it a presentation at a conference, or talking in an office, or in a bar, thinking about what you’re saying, and why you’re saying it is critical. What’s the point? What are you trying to say? How will the person you’re talking to take it…which brings us to:

Just because it makes sense to you…

One of the hardest things about standup is that you’re trying to read minds. Literally. You’re trying to figure out what a random group of strangers is going to find funny. It absolutely forces you to step outside yourself and (brutally) evaluate what you’re saying and how you’re saying it because it has to be funny to people who aren’t you, who may be nothing like you. There’s no second chances on stage. You’ve either figured that out correctly, or you suck.

Again, if we look at some of the more spectacular public comedy flameouts, you can see what happens when you guess wrong, or forget that it’s not just you and that asshole of a heckler, it’s the entire room. Or world. (Thanks YouTube!) You have to think about all the aspects of your material including places where it crosses the line from being humor to being asshole.

One of the best examples here is something that is incredibly hard to pull off, but something that far too many people try for: The Funny Rape Joke, aka TFRJ. TFRJ is like a postdoc in terms of comedy. There’s very, very few ways it works, and sooooo many ways it fails. I’ve now seen…5–6(?) locals try it. I’ve seen one person, maybe two hit it well. A couple that have the potential of a legit funny joke in there, but keep snatching defeat from the jaws of victory because they aren’t thinking hard enough about it.

I’ll also say right now that I agree completely with George Carlin on one thing: anything can be funny. The potential for offense is not, in and of itself a reason to not do a joke, or at least not the sole reason. But just like wearing a speedo or a thong, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. One bit that I’ve done that works because I don’t actually cross any line is one that starts with “I’m no racist, but…” and turns into a diatribe on how we should just admit the “white people in charge” experiment is a complete failure, already. Riiiiight up to the edge, but then turn 90º at the last second.

If you’re going to stray into certain sensitive areas, like rape, race, etc., you have to be very, very sure about what you’re doing. Just because it’s funny in your head does not mean that room full of people is going to agree. If you’re not sure, maybe consider another joke.

Note: just because you are a part of the group you are making the joke about does not mean you get a free pass. I’ve seen black comedians fail when it comes to racial comedy almost as much as white comedians. Like TFRJ, racial comedy is postdoc-level stuff. Approach with care.

I see this in my ‘professional’ life all the time. Someone is talking and then you can see the moment the wrong part of their brain fires and they say something that’s just so…stupid. A great example was the kid at MacIT a few years ago. I’m standing there with my friend, N. Now, N. is one of the smartest people I know, degrees in Math and CompSci, decades of experience in the industry. She is smart as fuck. We were standing outside her employer’s booth in the little showcase area, and two teenaged boys come up and start talking.

At first, because dumb and a bit of sexist, they start assuming she’s a graphic designer. Sigh. She explains no, she’s a researcher, she does math and programming things all day long and can’t draw a stick figure. Dumbo’s friend goes “Oh, wow, that’s kind of cool”, and maybe won’t make assumptions based on gender again. Possible win! Dumbo however will not be dissuaded. For almost a half-hour he insists that she’s a designer. He is literally telling a grown adult, which he is not, what she does for a living, that she doesn’t even know how she earns her paycheck. That’s not even mansplaining, that’s just asssplaining.

And I am quite sure that in his head, all of his assery made sense. But to everyone else….not so much.

Note: This relentless refusal to accept reality is something that teenaged boys, in my experience, just do. I watched my son do this as a teenager over things that had nothing to do with gender, such as: the completely wrong way to mop a floor, why he was so cleaning the catbox correctly, planes do not work that way, and a remarkable attempt to justify not brushing his teeth for a week…teenaged boys don’t just back themselves into corners, they slam into the corner at high speeds and their legs keep working because there’s a part of the corner they haven’t managed to wedge themselves into. It could have been a lifetime of being raised in background sexism. It could have also been that teenaged boys are just mind-bogglingly dumb and unable to back down ever. Both are equally likely and not mutually exclusive.

Thinking outside your own head, your own experience is vital in this world, and Standup teaches you that both brutally and quickly. Don’t be the guy who keeps trying to pull off the PTSD/Rape Victim joke. Sarah Silverman? Sure. You? Not so much. Which is another lead-in to…

Know your limitations

There are jokes I know I can do reasonably well, and jokes that I couldn’t hit if I had a joke-hitting machine. You don’t see Jeff Foxworthy trying to be the second coming of Pryor, nor do you see Sarah Silverman doing gentle jokes about “oh that husband of mine”. Any good comedian figures out, pretty quick, where their sweet spot is, and rarely move out of that. You didn’t see Carlin doing a lot of slapstick. I’ve seen folks doing jokes and material that would be hilarious…with someone else on stage. It’s kind of painful to watch.

Know what you’re good at. Know where your expertise ends. I’m probably a pretty good person to talk about a wide range of sysadmin issues. I’ve a wide breadth of experience in that field. But there’s no way you’re going to get me to talk about Agile Programming, or really, any kind of programming at all, because I’m not even vaguely qualified to speak on programming as a programming expert.

That doesn’t make me dumb, it makes me someone who is good at these things, but not those things, which is everybody. (Okay, everybody who is not Isaac Newton. That motherfucker was good at everything.) Knowing what you should not talk about is really, really important on stage, in the office, at the bar…well, everywhere. The old “if someone thinks you’re an idiot, don’t open your mouth and prove them right” saying applies here. Be more than willing to admit you’re out of your depth. It’ll make you look a lot smarter than you may think.

HOW you say it…

Successful standup, at times, has less to do with the actual material and more to do with the metadata. A good comic could read you the recipe for upside-down cake, and you’d be pissing yourself from laughing so hard, while a bad one could have The Perfect Joke™ handed to them by $DEITY and it would still suck.

Timing, inflection, pacing, volume, do I stand still or pace or jump, energy level (Not always high. Steven Wright had a rather successful run with an almost negative energy level), everything about how you are doing your thing. Standup almost completely inverts “the end justifies the means”. With standup, the means are everything, the end is almost unimportant. George Carlin had me howling just talking about refrigerator behavior.

After Richard Pryor literally almost killed himself via self-immolation due to his drug habit, (is there anything less funny than someone being severely burned?) he turned it into fantastically funny comedy. Ponder that. He took a moment of what has to be unbelievable pain, mental, emotional, and physical, and turned it into something that made people laugh until tears flowed. One of my favorite lines by Elaine Boosler centers on the dangers women face from sexual assault and rape: “Excuse me? I’m sorry, no, we can’t just walk around New York at 2am, I have a vagina.”

The true masters of standup can take mundane or horrifying things and make them funny to a room, sometimes a huge room of strangers, and they do it not because the content is inherently funny, but because everything else about what they are saying is funny. Watch any top-flight comedian as a guest on a talk show. Even when they’re not doing standup, they kind of are. They’re still using the pacing, the timing, the facial expressions to make a story about parenting funny.

Again, when you’re talking to people or writing, think about how you are saying it, and this includes writing. Because that will enhance or totally destroy your point. How many times do you see someone say something on twitter that gets them raked over the coals, or has their lives completely fucked with, but when they have a little more space to talk about it, you think, “Oh. Well, that wasn’t anything like how it looked.”?

When you are using a medium like Twitter, where you have no space for anything really, you cannot afford to ignore how you are saying something or what this might look like to someone who isn’t you or doesn’t know you well. Unless you lock down your account, the entire planet can see what you are saying, and guess what? Most of them aren’t you.

You’ll note throughout this post, and indeed most of my posts period, I make somewhat liberal use of italics and other styling features. That’s not an affectation. I know that text, even long-form text, is sparse. You don’t hear the tone of things, you don’t hear where I’m putting the stress, you can’t see facial expressions and timing just doesn’t exist. I don’t have any of that, but what I do have are italics and block quotes and other thing that let me call more attention to this word or that phrase. It doesn’t guarantee success, but using those, and other tools, gives me a much better chance of success.

Twitter is even more sparse, your toolset is even more limited, and yet, we (literally) continually see people saying shit that comes across as mind-bogglingly stupid, and when that is pointed out to them, they immediately blame twitter. Look, once or twice, sure, maybe you’re new to Twitter, (more common than people think), or whatever. Everyone should get a mulligan or two. But after the fifth or sixth time? Come fucking-on.

Richard Dawkins is an exemplar of this. He continuously says things that simply do not translate well to the forced near-haiku simplicity of twitter, and yet, like someone with no short-term memory at all, keep pushing on that door, because one day, that “pull” will change to a “push” and it will work. That’s not insanity, that’s just dumb. Dawkins knows he talks about a lot of things that are often subtle and need space, and rather than admitting Twitter is not good for that and that he does not have the skills to use Twitter well, he just keeps ramming into that wall. I hope he lives near a good chemist.

It is nice to assume that everyone will be so blown away by our amazing point that any problems or defects with how we articulate it will be ignored, overlooked, or forgiven. I have a question for the people who do this:

Are you really that fucking stupid?

Because there is nothing about the world, now, or really at any time in history, (and I’m going back past Gutenberg here) where that’s been true. How you say something, the techniques you use, the context in which you are saying it (for every value of “say”) are so hugely important, and we see this reality reinforced every day that I cannot believe anyone who does not live in a sealed, underground box with no link to the rest of humanity would think that way. Even a Skinner Box doesn’t teach you that level of ignorance.

Notice Things

If you really analyze the majority of comedians, they aren’t talking about anything you haven’t seen or done a hundred times before. They are all talking about the stuff that makes up our lives. What they do that we don’t is notice the details of life. The absurdity of our daily routine, the mental gymnastics we use to get through the day without going insane, the lies we tell ourselves to justify our beliefs.

They hold up a mirror, but they do so in a way that allows us to not just feel stupid, but to laugh at our own stupidity. The laughter removes the defensive walls and allows them to worm inside our heads in ways no amount of stentorian lecture can. They look at all the little rituals and habits we have, and say “You know, this is all kind of stupid.”

They let us know that yes, we all do have that background commentary track in our heads saying the things we can’t, because you know, fired, divorced, arrested.

Pay attention to things. Notice things. One of the reasons I like live conferences over conference calls or videoconferencing is that in person, I can notice things that you won’t see in those other mediums. Even on Skype, people know they’re being watched, so their behavior changes. But live, in person, that part of our brain that lies to us and says “YOU’RE INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE!” (you know, the one that tells that CEO in the Rolls-Royce that their windows have a special “antipoorperson” tint, so the guy in the ’96 Camry can’t see them picking their nose) kicks in and you can see when someone doesn’t seem to be getting something, or has a really urgent question that their sense of ettiquette won’t let them ask or, or, or.

If you want another viewpoint, what is most of what Sherlock Holmes does? He notices things.

No, really, I promise, I’m done

If you’ve hung on this long, good job! (Also, you may want to get off the toilet, your legs are probably going numb. ) It’s wordy, but so am I.

Standup can be terrifying, it is regularly brutal, and possesses little gentility. But, it can, if you let it, teach you a lot of things that are surprisingly useful.

…and every so often, you might make a roomful of strangers laugh. That is not the worst feeling in the world.

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image

Today we’re going to talk about gender.

Something I’ve noticed coming up a LOT in my webinars and coaching calls lately is the question of what it means to be female, and what to do when being “female” doesn’t quite feel right.

Now, I (like you, probably) grew up in a gender binary system. Our options used to be male, female, or “transexual.” Some men liked crossdressing and some lesbians liked looking butch, but gender and sex were basically the same thing and we were expected to like it.

In recent years, culture has changed to reflect a different understanding of gender, and I’ve changed along with it.

It is now widely recognized that sex is assigned at birth based on genitalia, while gender is the identity a person resonates with. That no longer means each person has to check the box next to “male” or “female,” either.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of recognizing intersex people, non-binary individuals, gender-fluid and gender-queer people, and more.

Gender identity and gender expression have created a whole new landscape for us to consider ourselves, our identities, and our bodies, as well as our beliefs about how things “should” be and where we have hang-ups. (Note: If you find this whole conversation ridiculous, offensive, or annoying, I humbly suggest you have some major hangups.)

So what does this new gender landscape have to do with body image?

Fucking EVERYTHING.

When I look back on my life, having been born into an unambiguously female body, I can see that the vast majority of my personal body shame and hatred came from the fact that I did not want to be female.

I had an older brother, and I was always EXTREMELY aware of how differently we were treated. From a very young age,I felt existentially cheated, and angry. He could run and show off and be difficult and get dirty and be forgiven for being an entitled dick sometimes (sorry Ben), while I was expected to be helpful, nice, calm, pretty, and polite.

Before I could even read or write I was aware that being a boy was indisputably better, and being a girl was indisputably worse. I was mad that I had to be a girl just because my stupid body said so, and I was mad that everyone treated me like one as if they couldn’t tell it didn’t suit me.

Questions I’ve asked myself a lot, as I process this experience within our new non-binary gender landscape:

How much of my resentment came from living in a sexist patriarchy, and how much was my inherent gender identity?

How much of my resentment came from an intuitive (and accurate) understanding that girls are more vulnerable targets, and that I was unsafe?

I’ll never know the answers.

My parents didn’t buy into gender roles the way some people did, thank goodness, so many of the messages I got about gender roles came from elsewhere, but they came nonetheless. My parents proudly empowered me to do and be whatever I wanted, which was great, but what I wanted was to be a boy, and that wasn’t on the table.

Examining and choosing my own gender identity wasn’t an option at the time. So a girl I stayed, and then I hit puberty and became a “woman” and I hated every fucking second of it.

I hated my breasts. I hated my vagina and the fact that I had periods and could get pregnant and had to take birth control. I hated that I was supposed to like girly stuff and supposed to want to get married and grow babies inside my body (NO THANK YOU) and generally just be something I wasn’t.

I hated the gross attention from men.

I hated the unfairness of how we females got treated, and the stories from history of how women had to work so hard to convince everyone that we were worthy of the vote, or physically capable of running a marathon. I hated that even today sexism and misogyny are alive and well, but also completely invisible to most straight men, who have the privilege of not being affected by it.

I hated how boys were taught to be entitled dicks whose only job in life was to convince girls to put out. I hated the fact that I had been initiated into my sexuality at the age of 7 by an older boy who felt like my female body existed for his pleasure.

I hated myself for being female, I hated my body for being female, and I was in an enormous amount of pain.

I was, however, way too others-conscious to do anything about this.

My boobs were huge, and I was a good kid from a good family in a hyper conservative town who wasn’t about to screw up my whole life by calling myself a boy when I obviously wasn’t a boy. No fucking way. Even if I’d had the language around gender expression we have now, I wouldn’t have risked being seen that way.

Instead, I learned to wield my female body like a weapon. I learned how to control everything, especially boys and men. I tried to find an identity that fit me while living in a body I resented, and the parts of my body that I hated the most were the ones that gave away my femaleness: my curves, my softness, my breasts.

I obsessively focused on my flaws, distracting myself with the wild goose chase of pursuing “body perfection” while trying to harden, tighten, and erase all the most female parts of me.

Looking back, I can see that many of these feelings were the result of terror and rage. Crushed under the weight of centuries of unequal treatment, I was afraid for my safety, and angry at the situation.

Being female in this world is scary, and unfair, and painful.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal my relationship with my body and my gender since then, and I’ve even come to love being a woman in some ways.

But I do so wish I’d had the freedom back then to NOT identify as female, without stigma, as I sorted through the experience of being in this body.

I’ve never felt a need to talk about gender identity before, although I’ve been slowly processing my own for years.

However, someone recently asked if my coaching program was open to people who weren’t sure if they identified as male or female or what, and I realized I’ve been doing a major disservice to the conversation on body image by not discussing gender.

So I’d like to make a few things clear:

Your sex is assigned at birth, and your gender is how you identify, based on what feels right for you.

Gender is no longer a male/female binary.

If everyone agrees respects everyone else’s gender identity without judgement than more people can explore themselves and their identity in a way that makes them feel safe, authentic, and accepted for who they are.

Body image and gender identity/expression are deeply interconnected, and for many women (even if they identify as fully female) this is a topic that needs to be discussed, considered, explored, and healed.

Please understand, this is absolutely terrifying for me to write, but I believe in transparency and I believe we need to talk about this.

Years ago, I told my best friend I was a boy sometimes.

I had been consciously exploring my own femininity for a while, and had committed to wearing dresses for an entire summer to see if I could face my distaste for female-ness head on.

I told him that I was doing it because deep down there is a boy Jessi and a girl Jessi, and that I was trying to get girl Jessi to show up more by making her feel welcome.

He gave me a look I’ll never forget, nodded supportively, and said “Wow… how does that feel to say out loud?”

It felt… liberating. Embarrassing. Exhilarating. Ridiculous. Glorious.

There is a Boy Jessi and a Girl Jessi!! It felt so hilariously and obviously true. I couldn’t believe I’d never let myself say that before.

In the years since, I have welcomed Woman Jessi, too. (Interestingly, I never feel like a Man. Just a Boy, Girl, or Woman.) Some days I feel more one or the other, and most days I feel like a blend.

When I started to write this, I had no intention of getting so personal or vulnerable. I actually had to stop midway through, to tremble and cry and come up with a thousand reasons not to send this. (It might not feel like a big reveal to you, but it sure as hell feels like one to me.)

But here you are reading it anyway.

My hope is that this helps us all open up a better, more nuanced, and compassionate conversation about gender, identity, and our relationships with our bodies.

There are SO many ways in which gender identity (and expression!) can affect your relationship with your body. Even if you don’t resonate with my story, I challenge you to think of ways in which traditional gender roles, expectations, and “norms” have helped you create (or reject) your identity, and the possible relationships between gender, safety, beauty standards, and feeling like you belong in your body.

I cannot believe I’m about to hit send on this.

I love you.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image

Today we’re going to talk about gender.

Something I’ve noticed coming up a LOT in my webinars and coaching calls lately is the question of what it means to be female, and what to do when being “female” doesn’t quite feel right.

Now, I (like you, probably) grew up in a gender binary system. Our options used to be male, female, or “transexual.” Some men liked crossdressing and some lesbians liked looking butch, but gender and sex were basically the same thing and we were expected to like it.

In recent years, culture has changed to reflect a different understanding of gender, and I’ve changed along with it.

It is now widely recognized that sex is assigned at birth based on genitalia, while gender is the identity a person resonates with. That no longer means each person has to check the box next to “male” or “female,” either.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of recognizing intersex people, non-binary individuals, gender-fluid and gender-queer people, and more.

Gender identity and gender expression have created a whole new landscape for us to consider ourselves, our identities, and our bodies, as well as our beliefs about how things “should” be and where we have hang-ups. (Note: If you find this whole conversation ridiculous, offensive, or annoying, I humbly suggest you have some major hangups.)

So what does this new gender landscape have to do with body image?

Fucking EVERYTHING.

When I look back on my life, having been born into an unambiguously female body, I can see that the vast majority of my personal body shame and hatred came from the fact that I did not want to be female.

I had an older brother, and I was always EXTREMELY aware of how differently we were treated. From a very young age,I felt existentially cheated, and angry. He could run and show off and be difficult and get dirty and be forgiven for being an entitled dick sometimes (sorry Ben), while I was expected to be helpful, nice, calm, pretty, and polite.

Before I could even read or write I was aware that being a boy was indisputably better, and being a girl was indisputably worse. I was mad that I had to be a girl just because my stupid body said so, and I was mad that everyone treated me like one as if they couldn’t tell it didn’t suit me.

Questions I’ve asked myself a lot, as I process this experience within our new non-binary gender landscape:

How much of my resentment came from living in a sexist patriarchy, and how much was my inherent gender identity?

How much of my resentment came from an intuitive (and accurate) understanding that girls are more vulnerable targets, and that I was unsafe?

I’ll never know the answers.

My parents didn’t buy into gender roles the way some people did, thank goodness, so many of the messages I got about gender roles came from elsewhere, but they came nonetheless. My parents proudly empowered me to do and be whatever I wanted, which was great, but what I wanted was to be a boy, and that wasn’t on the table.

Examining and choosing my own gender identity wasn’t an option at the time. So a girl I stayed, and then I hit puberty and became a “woman” and I hated every fucking second of it.

I hated my breasts. I hated my vagina and the fact that I had periods and could get pregnant and had to take birth control. I hated that I was supposed to like girly stuff and supposed to want to get married and grow babies inside my body (NO THANK YOU) and generally just be something I wasn’t.

I hated the gross attention from men.

I hated the unfairness of how we females got treated, and the stories from history of how women had to work so hard to convince everyone that we were worthy of the vote, or physically capable of running a marathon. I hated that even today sexism and misogyny are alive and well, but also completely invisible to most straight men, who have the privilege of not being affected by it.

I hated how boys were taught to be entitled dicks whose only job in life was to convince girls to put out. I hated the fact that I had been initiated into my sexuality at the age of 7 by an older boy who felt like my female body existed for his pleasure.

I hated myself for being female, I hated my body for being female, and I was in an enormous amount of pain.

I was, however, way too others-conscious to do anything about this.

My boobs were huge, and I was a good kid from a good family in a hyper conservative town who wasn’t about to screw up my whole life by calling myself a boy when I obviously wasn’t a boy. No fucking way. Even if I’d had the language around gender expression we have now, I wouldn’t have risked being seen that way.

Instead, I learned to wield my female body like a weapon. I learned how to control everything, especially boys and men. I tried to find an identity that fit me while living in a body I resented, and the parts of my body that I hated the most were the ones that gave away my femaleness: my curves, my softness, my breasts.

I obsessively focused on my flaws, distracting myself with the wild goose chase of pursuing “body perfection” while trying to harden, tighten, and erase all the most female parts of me.

Looking back, I can see that many of these feelings were the result of terror and rage. Crushed under the weight of centuries of unequal treatment, I was afraid for my safety, and angry at the situation.

Being female in this world is scary, and unfair, and painful.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal my relationship with my body and my gender since then, and I’ve even come to love being a woman in some ways.

But I do so wish I’d had the freedom back then to NOT identify as female, without stigma, as I sorted through the experience of being in this body.

I’ve never felt a need to talk about gender identity before, although I’ve been slowly processing my own for years.

However, someone recently asked if my coaching program was open to people who weren’t sure if they identified as male or female or what, and I realized I’ve been doing a major disservice to the conversation on body image by not discussing gender.

So I’d like to make a few things clear:

Your sex is assigned at birth, and your gender is how you identify, based on what feels right for you.

Gender is no longer a male/female binary.

If everyone agrees respects everyone else’s gender identity without judgement than more people can explore themselves and their identity in a way that makes them feel safe, authentic, and accepted for who they are.

Body image and gender identity/expression are deeply interconnected, and for many women (even if they identify as fully female) this is a topic that needs to be discussed, considered, explored, and healed.

Please understand, this is absolutely terrifying for me to write, but I believe in transparency and I believe we need to talk about this.

Years ago, I told my best friend I was a boy sometimes.

I had been consciously exploring my own femininity for a while, and had committed to wearing dresses for an entire summer to see if I could face my distaste for female-ness head on.

I told him that I was doing it because deep down there is a boy Jessi and a girl Jessi, and that I was trying to get girl Jessi to show up more by making her feel welcome.

He gave me a look I’ll never forget, nodded supportively, and said “Wow… how does that feel to say out loud?”

It felt… liberating. Embarrassing. Exhilarating. Ridiculous. Glorious.

There is a Boy Jessi and a Girl Jessi!! It felt so hilariously and obviously true. I couldn’t believe I’d never let myself say that before.

In the years since, I have welcomed Woman Jessi, too. (Interestingly, I never feel like a Man. Just a Boy, Girl, or Woman.) Some days I feel more one or the other, and most days I feel like a blend.

When I started to write this, I had no intention of getting so personal or vulnerable. I actually had to stop midway through, to tremble and cry and come up with a thousand reasons not to send this. (It might not feel like a big reveal to you, but it sure as hell feels like one to me.)

But here you are reading it anyway.

My hope is that this helps us all open up a better, more nuanced, and compassionate conversation about gender, identity, and our relationships with our bodies.

There are SO many ways in which gender identity (and expression!) can affect your relationship with your body. Even if you don’t resonate with my story, I challenge you to think of ways in which traditional gender roles, expectations, and “norms” have helped you create (or reject) your identity, and the possible relationships between gender, safety, beauty standards, and feeling like you belong in your body.

I cannot believe I’m about to hit send on this.

I love you.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image

Today we’re going to talk about gender.

Something I’ve noticed coming up a LOT in my webinars and coaching calls lately is the question of what it means to be female, and what to do when being “female” doesn’t quite feel right.

Now, I (like you, probably) grew up in a gender binary system. Our options used to be male, female, or “transexual.” Some men liked crossdressing and some lesbians liked looking butch, but gender and sex were basically the same thing and we were expected to like it.

In recent years, culture has changed to reflect a different understanding of gender, and I’ve changed along with it.

It is now widely recognized that sex is assigned at birth based on genitalia, while gender is the identity a person resonates with. That no longer means each person has to check the box next to “male” or “female,” either.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of recognizing intersex people, non-binary individuals, gender-fluid and gender-queer people, and more.

Gender identity and gender expression have created a whole new landscape for us to consider ourselves, our identities, and our bodies, as well as our beliefs about how things “should” be and where we have hang-ups. (Note: If you find this whole conversation ridiculous, offensive, or annoying, I humbly suggest you have some major hangups.)

So what does this new gender landscape have to do with body image?

Fucking EVERYTHING.

When I look back on my life, having been born into an unambiguously female body, I can see that the vast majority of my personal body shame and hatred came from the fact that I did not want to be female.

I had an older brother, and I was always EXTREMELY aware of how differently we were treated. From a very young age,I felt existentially cheated, and angry. He could run and show off and be difficult and get dirty and be forgiven for being an entitled dick sometimes (sorry Ben), while I was expected to be helpful, nice, calm, pretty, and polite.

Before I could even read or write I was aware that being a boy was indisputably better, and being a girl was indisputably worse. I was mad that I had to be a girl just because my stupid body said so, and I was mad that everyone treated me like one as if they couldn’t tell it didn’t suit me.

Questions I’ve asked myself a lot, as I process this experience within our new non-binary gender landscape:

How much of my resentment came from living in a sexist patriarchy, and how much was my inherent gender identity?

How much of my resentment came from an intuitive (and accurate) understanding that girls are more vulnerable targets, and that I was unsafe?

I’ll never know the answers.

My parents didn’t buy into gender roles the way some people did, thank goodness, so many of the messages I got about gender roles came from elsewhere, but they came nonetheless. My parents proudly empowered me to do and be whatever I wanted, which was great, but what I wanted was to be a boy, and that wasn’t on the table.

Examining and choosing my own gender identity wasn’t an option at the time. So a girl I stayed, and then I hit puberty and became a “woman” and I hated every fucking second of it.

I hated my breasts. I hated my vagina and the fact that I had periods and could get pregnant and had to take birth control. I hated that I was supposed to like girly stuff and supposed to want to get married and grow babies inside my body (NO THANK YOU) and generally just be something I wasn’t.

I hated the gross attention from men.

I hated the unfairness of how we females got treated, and the stories from history of how women had to work so hard to convince everyone that we were worthy of the vote, or physically capable of running a marathon. I hated that even today sexism and misogyny are alive and well, but also completely invisible to most straight men, who have the privilege of not being affected by it.

I hated how boys were taught to be entitled dicks whose only job in life was to convince girls to put out. I hated the fact that I had been initiated into my sexuality at the age of 7 by an older boy who felt like my female body existed for his pleasure.

I hated myself for being female, I hated my body for being female, and I was in an enormous amount of pain.

I was, however, way too others-conscious to do anything about this.

My boobs were huge, and I was a good kid from a good family in a hyper conservative town who wasn’t about to screw up my whole life by calling myself a boy when I obviously wasn’t a boy. No fucking way. Even if I’d had the language around gender expression we have now, I wouldn’t have risked being seen that way.

Instead, I learned to wield my female body like a weapon. I learned how to control everything, especially boys and men. I tried to find an identity that fit me while living in a body I resented, and the parts of my body that I hated the most were the ones that gave away my femaleness: my curves, my softness, my breasts.

I obsessively focused on my flaws, distracting myself with the wild goose chase of pursuing “body perfection” while trying to harden, tighten, and erase all the most female parts of me.

Looking back, I can see that many of these feelings were the result of terror and rage. Crushed under the weight of centuries of unequal treatment, I was afraid for my safety, and angry at the situation.

Being female in this world is scary, and unfair, and painful.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal my relationship with my body and my gender since then, and I’ve even come to love being a woman in some ways.

But I do so wish I’d had the freedom back then to NOT identify as female, without stigma, as I sorted through the experience of being in this body.

I’ve never felt a need to talk about gender identity before, although I’ve been slowly processing my own for years.

However, someone recently asked if my coaching program was open to people who weren’t sure if they identified as male or female or what, and I realized I’ve been doing a major disservice to the conversation on body image by not discussing gender.

So I’d like to make a few things clear:

Your sex is assigned at birth, and your gender is how you identify, based on what feels right for you.

Gender is no longer a male/female binary.

If everyone agrees respects everyone else’s gender identity without judgement than more people can explore themselves and their identity in a way that makes them feel safe, authentic, and accepted for who they are.

Body image and gender identity/expression are deeply interconnected, and for many women (even if they identify as fully female) this is a topic that needs to be discussed, considered, explored, and healed.

Please understand, this is absolutely terrifying for me to write, but I believe in transparency and I believe we need to talk about this.

Years ago, I told my best friend I was a boy sometimes.

I had been consciously exploring my own femininity for a while, and had committed to wearing dresses for an entire summer to see if I could face my distaste for female-ness head on.

I told him that I was doing it because deep down there is a boy Jessi and a girl Jessi, and that I was trying to get girl Jessi to show up more by making her feel welcome.

He gave me a look I’ll never forget, nodded supportively, and said “Wow… how does that feel to say out loud?”

It felt… liberating. Embarrassing. Exhilarating. Ridiculous. Glorious.

There is a Boy Jessi and a Girl Jessi!! It felt so hilariously and obviously true. I couldn’t believe I’d never let myself say that before.

In the years since, I have welcomed Woman Jessi, too. (Interestingly, I never feel like a Man. Just a Boy, Girl, or Woman.) Some days I feel more one or the other, and most days I feel like a blend.

When I started to write this, I had no intention of getting so personal or vulnerable. I actually had to stop midway through, to tremble and cry and come up with a thousand reasons not to send this. (It might not feel like a big reveal to you, but it sure as hell feels like one to me.)

But here you are reading it anyway.

My hope is that this helps us all open up a better, more nuanced, and compassionate conversation about gender, identity, and our relationships with our bodies.

There are SO many ways in which gender identity (and expression!) can affect your relationship with your body. Even if you don’t resonate with my story, I challenge you to think of ways in which traditional gender roles, expectations, and “norms” have helped you create (or reject) your identity, and the possible relationships between gender, safety, beauty standards, and feeling like you belong in your body.

I cannot believe I’m about to hit send on this.

I love you.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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[nathandgibsca]

Today, We Are Fools. Happily. (Or why we built and are finally launching Airstory.)

There’s something foolish about venturing into seemingly new territory.

Today, we’re launching Airstory.

We’re venturing into the land of Software.

To some people, it will look like a copywriter is trying her hand at SaaS. And all the head-patting that comes with that. Oh, Lord, why don’t we just stick to our knitting? Because, to paraphrase the great Vanilla Ice:

If there’s a problem, yo, I’ll solve it – especially where writing and marketing are involved

Airstory is a natural extension of Copy Hackers.

It aims to solve the problem Copy Hackers aims to solve. Just with a different how.

While Copy Hackers teaches you to write copy that converts, Airstory helps you write it. It’s a drag-and-drop document builder. It is to documents what LeadPages and Unbounce are to landing pages.

Drag and drop your deliverable together, like so:

So what’s the problem with the document platform – or writing software – you’re using today?

Honestly, what isn’t wrong with it?

You do so much of your day-to-day work in a document. But none of the writing tools that are ubiquitous in businesses worldwide actually help you fill the page.

There are solutions to help you do all sorts of stuff around the page: find keyword phrases (Moz), plan your content (Trello, CoSchedule) and find reference material (Buzzsumo, DeepDyve).

And once the page is filled, you can invite people to collaborate with you on it (Google Docs, Dropbox Paper), design it (Vellum, Venngage), publish it (WordPress, Medium), promote it (Facebook, Twitter, Edgar, Mailchimp, Drip, ConvertKit), test it (Optimizely, VWO) and measure it (Ahrefs, GA). I’m only just scratching the surface. Marketing tools are everywhere, in every color, shape and size.

But how do you go from blank page… to filling page… to filled page?

How do you execute on the idea?

That’s the ginormous gap Airstory fills.

The Actually-Write-the-Thing Gap.

We Built Airstory Because We Needed It, and So Did the People We Interviewed

Almost two years ago now, I interviewed a content pro named Ginny, who was writing content for HubSpot. She walked me through her decidedly convoluted (said with love) process for going from idea to ready-for-review, something she had to do every day because her publishing schedule demanded a daily share-worthy post.

Her process had a lot in common with the decidedly convoluted (said with love) processes of the teams we interviewed at Moz, Unbounce and a half-dozen other fave tech companies. They all:

Relied on gathering multiple pieces of information from other sources

Involved private, concentrated writing time

Had an outlining process, whether light or intense

Required team input, reviews and approvals

Not a single process was linear. You don’t just sit down, open a document, start writing and keep going until you don’t stop. Sure, there’s a cool app for that if you’re a novelist. But writing for work isn’t about stream of consciousness or losing yourself in a scene. The process is more like this:

Get an idea or get assigned an idea

Go off and think about it

Open a document

Stare at it

Jot down whatever you can, just to feel like you’re making progress

Find yourself editing the thing you jotted down

Go off and think about it

Paste something from the web onto your doc

Repeat steps 7 and 8 indefinitely or until a few hours before the deadline

Copy, paste, copy, paste

Stitch together all the stuff you’ve thrown onto the page

Copy, paste, copy, paste

Write

Edit

Get coffee

Smooth off the rough edges

Revise your hook / headline

Invite someone or several people to review your work

Rethink everything you wrote the second you know it’s in someone else’s hands

Does that blinking cursor on the blank page help you with anything other than Step 3?

Does it care that the above 19-step process is extraordinarily painful, clunky and outdated?

Worst of all, that process is just for writing a piece of content, like an ebook or blog post.

What about when it’s time to write a series of sales emails?

Once again, it’s you vs the page. But now you’ve got the added burden of getting inside your reader’s head and nudging them to the point that they convert. Not easy.

I know how it feels, of course. I’ve spent nearly 15 years struggling through that pain in an environment where writing is supposed to come easily to me because, after all, it’s my job. But it’s a fatiguing process.

That’s why we made Airstory.

Because, frankly, fuck starting from scratch. It’s 2017. I don’t do anything on my own. The next car I buy is gonna self-drive and plug into my wall. Groceries arrive at my doorstep with recipe cards attached to them. Why should I try to write a job description or a contract or a long-form sales page on my own? Why should I settle for a glorified typewriter?

I shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t, either.

You can check out Airstory here and you should check it out if you’re in marketing or content creation. We’re also on Product Hunt today.

We’ve been working on Airstory for nearly 2.5 years, or half the life of Copy Hackers. Crazy, right?

The reasons we shouldn’t be doing this include:

People think their writing software is fine because people think writing should be hard

Everyone’s already using a writing tool

People look at Airstory and go, “What do I do?” because they’ve never thought about actually having help putting their ideas on the page

We make a great, low-stress living with Copy Hackers – why complicate things?

But the reasons we do it are much, much bigger than those.

They’re much harder to shake.

And we’re not alone. Not at all.

Nearly two years ago, I sat in a small group with Nathan Barry and a few awesome folks. We were at Microconf. At the time, the email marketing platform ConvertKit wasn’t quite the name it is today. It was struggling to find its place, which I don’t think Nathan (its founder and CEO) will mind me saying. But actually let me clarify: from the outside, it looked like ConvertKit was struggling to find its place. That certainly wasn’t the feeling among Team ConvertKit. They knew they were onto something.

I vividly remember one thing Nathan said in that huddle.

And my memory is absolute shit, so what he said had serious sticking power.

Someone asked Nathan if he was going to relaunch his books or get a new course out.

He said no.

“I’m going all-in on ConvertKit.”

All in.

You can read Nathan’s revenue breakdowns in his 2015 review and 2016 review, but let me give you the short version: at the time he told our little group he was done with his old business – the business that was a sure-thing, from a revenue-generation perspective – ConvertKit was making about $10,000 MRR.

He could have made twice as much just staying the course with his course business.

And he would only have had to pay his salary – not his and a handful of employees’.

It wasn’t about the money. Because it isn’t about the money.

I think the reason – or one of the reasons – a lot of us get offended by those Facebook video ads where some “online coach” is walking through his huge garage of Lamborghinis and flashing his gold watch is this: it reduces the whole entrepreneurial experience down to the money you make. And the stuff you buy with the money you make.

Most of us are here for other reasons.

Bear with me while I launch into the “why we’re entrepreneurs” paragraph of this post…

We’re entrepreneurs because we love building things and growing things. And part of growing things is, of course, having the things you grow bear fruit. And that usually looks like money. But the goal isn’t to cash out. The goal isn’t to harvest. It’s to see the fruit for the seeds (to wring this analogy dry, with my apologies) and to replant. Keep building. Keep growing.

That Nathan Barry was going all-in on a risky thing was hugely inspiring for me.

He’ll never know how inspiring.

Even when he reads this, he won’t know.

I’ve made really great money at Copy Hackers. But my wardrobe doesn’t show it and my garage doesn’t show it and my non-existent watch collection certainly doesn’t show it. I don��t see a future where I’m launching and relaunching courses. That’s a perfectly good living and life. But it’s not MY life. Not forever.

I still want to teach.

And I still intend to teach.

But the problem with teaching and only teaching is that it’s so rare to see someone actually execute on what you teach them. Teaching can be frustrating. That Airstory will help people put into practice what I teach means I can keep doing what I love (i.e., teaching, writing, marketing) and also see people get better results.

And here’s why I’m in a better position than ever to commit to Airstory’s growth:

Because This Isn’t Our First Product or Startup

I totally get the purists out there.

Those fine folks that believe the only real founders are tech founders.

I’m not a developer. But neither was Steve Jobs. And if you roll your eyes at that, fine, I would too. So here are a handful of other non-technical cofounders / founders to quash the purists’ concerns:

Tim Westergren of Pandora

Tim Chen of NerdWallet

Nirav Tolia of Nextdoor

Jessica Scorpio of GetAround

Sean Rad of Tinder

Micheal Dell of Dell

Brian Chesky of AirBnB

Walker Williams of Teespring

So programming chops are not a requirement.

But perhaps experience is. Perhaps. If so, I got you.

We’ve gone to market with two different products before this one:

2008, Realtor Rating Site: Our first product idea came to us while Lance and I were lounging on Kaanapali Beach in Maui nearly 10 years ago (back when vacations were common things for us). We both had great jobs in marketing at tech giant Intuit, yet we got this crazy idea to start a realtor rating site. We engaged a coworker named Steven Luke as our technical co-founder, and together we made What-Customers-Say.com. We launched and immediately got on the local and national news in Canada, which was pretty crazy but press releases actually worked at the time and you could call a journalist because newspapers still had those. When the realtor association got their backs up, the Canadian government ordered us to shut down. For real. I haven’t liked realtors since.

2010, Book Rating Site: The three of us – Steven, Lance and yours truly – launched Page 99 Test, a site where you would read page 99 of a book and then state if you would or would not turn the page to keep reading. (Book nerds in the room will be familiar with the page 99 test, even if you’ve never read Ford Madox Ford.) We got instant media coverage – damn, we’ve been lucky with that stuff – including an article on The Guardian and an interview with the New Yorker, which never made it to print. But Page 99 Test was a marketplace. And marketplaces are hard business. And we were all very well-employed and well-compensated by Intuit. So we gradually stopped working on Page 99 Test. And that little hobby site fizzled.

In the years since, Steven and I have emailed back and forth with ideas.

And Lance and I have worked on – then shut down – other ideas.

But it wasn’t until last winter that the stars, at last, aligned.

I Fooled Around and Fell in Love

For the first 1.5 years of Airstory, I was partnered with someone who’s no longer involved in Airstory.

We’ll call him Jim. Because that is his name.

Like all partnerships that fail, things started out great with Jim. Warm feelings. Excitement. Possibilities. Naturally, I made all the mistakes they tell you not to make. Naturally, I kept telling myself they weren’t really mistakes – those rules didn’t apply to me, and I was, of course, the exception.

It wasn’t a problem, I told myself, that Jim and I had never worked together.

It wasn’t a problem that we lived on opposite sides of the continent in two different countries and had never met or been on video Skype together.

The bad things that happen to people in these situations happened to us. I won’t get into them because I can offer nothing to the conversation that hasn’t already been told in a thousand cautionary tales; suffice it to say, I fucked up and he did too. Communication problems. Vision problems. Planning problems. Execution problems. Yup, all the problems. And the impending doom of financial problems: Jim was going to commit to Airstory full time in January 2016, and I was going to pay him a salary so he could.

I talked to my friend Amy Hoy about it. She used expletives.

I talked to my friends in a mastermind-type-thing. They told me to get out while I could.

But I was so far into it. 

(I know, I know – sunk cost fallacy. I live in the world of persuasion, but that doesn’t mean I can outsmart it.)

By October of 2015, when our partnership started to unravel big-time, Jim and I had already:

Conducted nearly a dozen jobs-to-be-done interviews with bloggers and marketers

Conducted dozens of interviews with traditional writers, editors and literary agents

Spent more than a year building Airstory

Spent thousands on UX and UI design

Spent thousands on the development of an iPhone app

Done several rounds of beta testing

Invested 500+ days of time and energy

Gleaned extremely valuable insights into how to make a solid product a great one

So yes, the sunk costs were real.

I started thinking about ending things. Not Airstory. The partnership. Jim was going to cost me the equivalent of $200,000 CAD / yr once he went full-time, and I had good reason to believe that, as soon as I had him on payroll, I’d only be further tangling myself in a relationship that was ill-fated at best.

But I believed in Airstory. For all the reasons above and more.

So I did what any reasonable person would do: I looked into how to get out.

I emailed Steven Luke out of the blue. I asked him – very bluntly – how much it would take to get him to leave his extremely cushy, high-paying job as a full-stack staff-level engineer at Intuit and work with me full-time on a little SaaS project, which I then pitched to him. He wanted to build something great – it wasn’t about money for him.

I summoned the courage to break up with Jim.

He kept all the code. I kept the name.

In February 2016, Steven became Airstory’s cofounder and my business partner.

His reason for joining: “I want to wow people.”

Our Goal: To Wow You with Usefulness

Over the course of the last 365 days, we have built from scratch everything about Airstory except the idea, the name and the research.

We hired a design agency to redo the Airstory UI. That… failed. We persuaded our favorite UI designer Jane Portman to reinvent the UI. That succeeded. We hired our go-to graphic designer Lesley Pocklington to visually realize our brand. That succeeded. Lance suddenly became available, and now we had a full-time product pro on staff. That succeeded, too.

We did a demo of a first-draft of Airstory for my copywriter mastermind. That failed.

We tried to get a beta ready to coincide with my interview on the Entrepreneur on Fire podcast in July. That failed.

We sent fun mailers to marketers we love at companies we love. Those failed.

We’ve seen 1600+ beta users in Airstory over the last 3 months. Based on what we’re seeing in the data and hearing in interviews… we’re succeeding there. We’re succeeding with the Airstory product. We’re starting to wow some people.

There will be countless people for whom Airstory is not the right solution.

If you spend fewer than 2 hours a day in a document, stick with your current solution. If you don’t write longer content ever, stick with your current solution. If you don’t rely on templates, frameworks, formulas and/or research to make your writing kick-ass, stick with your current solution.

For everyone else, there’s Airstory.

It’s live today.

So you can use it starting today, with a free project for life >

And if you can’t imagine needing to fix what’s broken in your writing tool, I’ll leave you with this Stewart Butterfield quote, which Lance added to the Airstory project where I’m writing this:

We know that we have built something which is genuinely useful: almost any team which adopts Slack as their central application for communication would be significantly better off than they were before. That means we have something people want.

However, almost all of them have no idea that they want Slack. How could they? They’ve never heard of it. And only a vanishingly small number will have imagined it on their own. They think they want something different (if they think they want anything at all). They definitely are not looking for Slack. (But then no-one was looking for Post-it notes or GUIs either.)

Just as much as our job is to build something genuinely useful, something which really does make people’s working lives simpler, more pleasant and more productive, our job is also to understand what people think they want and then translate the value of Slack into their terms. (Source: Medium)

We’re still 100% involved in and loving Copy Hackers.

But we’re all in on Airstory, too.

The two go hand in hand. And both, we believe, are genuinely useful to marketers like you.

~jo

The post Today, We Are Fools. Happily. (Or why we built and are finally launching Airstory.) appeared first on Copywriting For Start-ups And Marketers.

from SEO Tips https://copyhackers.com/2017/02/airstory/