#because it's obvious to me statistics don't get through people's heads

[bisolationist]

I love bi people I love bi people so much but I can't see this topic coming up every day in the course of looking at bi blogs. I feel so fucking insane rn and I'm probably being at least partly unreasonable but fuck it's just EVERY DAY now.

[lucysgraybird]

part 2 of modern!uni!coriolanus x fem!reader. part 1 here, part 3 here. as promised, reader's a lil cuckoo which i hope yall are into because it's here to stay. on this, if anyone feels like offering thoughts -- would longer updates be preferable, or does it make no difference? the only tradeoff would be that they'd come out less frequently (once a week vs every 2-3 days). warnings: blood mention, minor suggestive material. this is not a healthy relationship but BOY is it fun

Coriolanus Snow, as it turns out, is wonderful to date, at least for you. You've been back from the winter holiday for a month, and though you've yet to make anything official with him, things are going very well. He doesn't text constantly, but there will always be a good morning text when you get back from the gym, and a good night text when you check your phone after hours at the library. He makes it clear that you're together when you're out with an arm around your waist or a hand over yours on the table, or with the faint bruises that trail across your collarbone and down your shirt. That's your favourite mark of your relationship: it's illicit, obvious. You know it makes other people a little uncomfortable, and you like that they can't seem to look away. 

He's also fascinating. Orphaned when he was quite young and raised by his grandmother and cousin, you've learned that while he obviously has money now, he didn't always. He had a stint in the military to pay for school, and got a job for his best friend’s father as a thank-you for saving the boy’s life in battle. Apparently the friend had been court-martialed for something – Coriolanus wouldn't go into detail – and now they weren't as close. He now makes more money than most people would dream of twenty years out of school, and though it means he's almost always busy, you like that he's so dedicated. 

Right now, you're bent over a sheet of stats equations at a table on the quad when Coriolanus sneaks up behind you. He drops a kiss on your head and settles in an open seat at your table.

“Hello,” you say, setting down your pen. 

“Don't let me distract you,” he replies, pulling a book out of his bag. “I'll wait until you're done to talk.”

This is another thing you appreciate about Coriolanus. Besides that first date, he understands how much you value school and your grades – he actually seems to like it – and never expects to come first. You blow through the last few problems, check your work, and clip the paper neatly into your binder.

Coriolanus looks up from his book. “Finished?”

“Mhm.”

“Good,” he says. “How's that class going, by the way?”

You keep apprised of each other’s academic performances – you're both shooting to graduate valedictorian next year, so you've got a little bit of competition going. As far as you can tell, it only serves to push both of you further, as winning seems more of a reward if there's been a real challenge for it. This being said, he knows that your statistics class is giving you a little bit of trouble, just like you know that his Victorian literature class is driving him up the wall. You're going to win, but you'll let him hope.

“Not as badly as you might hope,” you tease. “I'm on track for a decent A. How goes the adventures in Victorian lit?”

He lifts his book miserably, revealing the cover of Middlemarch. You wince.

“Rough. Don't make winning too easy on me, though.”

“Wouldn't dream of it, sweetheart.”

You smile at the pet name, however targeted it is. “So did you come to make fun of my homework, or did you have something you wanted to talk about?”

“Right, yes. We've been going out for a little over a month now.”

“This is true.”

“And I think it's time we make some decisions. I'm not looking for something casual. Between school and studying for the LSAT and work, I don't really have the time to devote to something that's definitely not going anywhere.”

“I hope you're not proposing, Coriolanus.”

“Not at all. But I am asking if you would like to be my girlfriend, officially.”

“Oh! Yes.”

“Yes?” He seems surprised. 

“I'm not particularly interested in anything casual either,” you say. “I’ve tried it and it doesn't work. I just get jealous.”

“I wouldn't have pegged you for the jealous type.”

“You haven't given me any reason to be. Believe me, if I'm jealous, I'll make sure you know.”

You regret saying that the minute you do – not because it's not true, but because it could be a little off-putting. But it seems to have the opposite effect for Coriolanus, who bares his teeth in a smile. The wider his smile gets, the more he looks like a wolf, the more you feel like he is waiting for the perfect moment to sink his teeth into your neck. Perhaps it should scare you, but it doesn't. It thrills you. It makes you want to tilt your head back and let him take hold, because you want to see your blood on his teeth and trickling down his chin, staining the starched white of his collar. You want to ruin this boy, which you would feel worse about thinking if you didn't get the sense that he wants to destroy you, too.  

“I hope you would,” he says, lifting you from your reverie. “As long as it's okay that it goes both ways.”

“Of course.” Perfect.

“Are you free tonight?” 

“I have a class that ends at 6, but after that, yes.”

“Would you like to meet my family? You'll love my cousin, and my grandmother…well. She doesn't like anyone, but she's interesting.”

“That sounds lovely,” you say, a thrill flooding you at going from occasional dates and make-out sessions to meeting his family in the course of an afternoon.

“Fine, then. I'll pick you up at 7.”

–

The Snow apartment is incredible. There's a sterility to its modernity that should be disquieting but isn't: you can't imagine Coriolanus growing up anywhere else. You're sitting with his cousin, Tigris, while he disappears to make drinks. The fabled grandmother was apparently refusing to make an appearance. Tigris seems anxious, fiddling with her floral skirt.

“So you're dating Coriolanus?” She asks finally. Your brows knit together – is she daft? Coriolanus introduced you as his girlfriend. 

“Mhm. We've been going out for a little over a month.”

“Oh.”

When she doesn't say anything else, you shift uncomfortably in your seat.

“Coriolanus tells me you basically raised him,” you say, wanting to fill the silence.

Tigris nods. “He was such a kind little boy. I worry I didn't do enough sometimes, you know?”

What a weird thing to say. “I'm sure you did your best. I can't imagine it's easy bringing someone else up when you're a kid yourself. And he's turned out well, from what I can tell.”

“He can just be…intense. I'm sorry, I know this is strange, I just want you to know what you're getting into.”

You laugh lightly. “Maybe I need to find someone to give him this speech about me. I'll be okay, Tigris. I can be a lot too; I think we'll be good for each other.”

Coriolanus returns just at that moment.

“I think we'll be good for each other too,” he says, handing you and Tigris each a glass of red wine. “I hope my cousin hasn't been telling you too many embarrassing baby stories.” 

Something passes over Tigris’ face – grief, maybe, or fear – before she settles into a demure smile. 

“Not at all, Coriolanus. Your girlfriend is so sweet.”

He sits next to you and puts his free hand on your knee. “She's perfect, isn't she? I knew you guys would get along.”

Tigris gives him a tight smile, then lets her eyes go unfocused into space. 

–

The rest of the night passes with much of the same uncomfortable conversation, until Coriolanus finally decides that it'd be best if he drove you home before it got too late. It's the first time you've seen him drive, and you just enjoy the way the streetlights cast shadows on the angles of his face and the way his hand sits hot and heavy on your thigh.

“I'm sorry if Tigris said anything strange to you,” he says finally. “She's been odd ever since I got back from being deployed.”

“She was fine. I think she was worried you'd be too much for me.”

A muscle jumps in his jaw. “She doesn't approve of my job. Or my ‘work-life balance’, as she calls it.”

“Sounds like she cares about you.” It's hard to say more, because you don't really know what he does for work. Something with national security or defense tech, but beyond that, you're in the dark. It also seems like there was more to the way Tigris was acting than just complaints about Coriolanus working too hard, but it's not your place to pry. Nor do you really care.

“No, you're right. She does. I just wish she'd keep her opinions to herself.”

“That’s fair. I'm still glad I got to meet her.”

“I am too. And I'm always glad to spend time with you.”

To say that, he takes his eyes off the road for a moment and gives you a sweet, close-lipped smile. You return it and place your hand over his on your thigh. His fingers dig in a little too hard, and you curl your nails like claws into his skin in reply. He pulls the car into a parking space in front of your apartment.

“Here you are.”

You turn to him and take in the way he's looking at you, the way his eyes have gone murky in the dark of the night and trail across the scooping neckline of your top. The skin on your neck is pristine again, and you need him to fix that.

“Would you like to come upstairs?”

“I was hoping you'd say that.”

[artificial-condition]

So, at the risk of sounding like an idiot, I absolutely adored System Collapse, but the one thing I don't quite understand that I feel is preventing me from fully appreciating and loving the story was the exact source of Murderbot's trauma. What was the source/meaning of his 'false' memory/dream where his leg was getting eaten? For me, it didn't seem like it was really explained (at least not very well)? And what page/chapter was it explained in, and were there any hints/symbolism given throughout the book? I just feel so stupid I missed what was probably very obvious.

Okay first of all, I am so sorry for this taking me an eternity to answer! At the best of times I take forever to do things online and I have not been having the best of times for a while now haha

I also really really wanted to reread the series before I answered this question so I could thoroughly think about it. So I did. A lot. I have lost track of how many times I have reread the series since this ask (for context, I think in the last month I've reread it three times?) (it is my coping mechanism)

My first read through of system collapse I think I felt pretty similar; it felt like it was a little out of the blue and I was wondering why secunit's last adventure in Network Effect would cause this when it's already had so many dangerous and traumatic adventures. Now that I've read it multiple times, I feel like it is because secunit finally feels relatively safe enough to process some of the stuff that it has suppressed/had forced memory deletion of

Secunit has never had a group of people that it can safely be itself around without fearing for its safety: the entire first four books consist of the arc of murderbot coming to terms with its newfound freedom and learning that some people can be trusted as friends. Secunit has somewhat settled into a routine with its new friends, being around them regularly and getting comfortable with them. When the events of Network Effect happen, murderbot has some more seriously traumatic things happen to it (thinks one of its closest friends dies, gets kidnapped and stuck on a stupid planet, thinks its new friends abandoned it, almost gets mind controlled which reminds it of a governor module, has to kill another version of itself). I think what is different this time that causes it to react differently to this trauma is that this time in the aftermath, secunit has a supportive community and has even somewhat figured out what it wants to do with its freedom. Secunit is deeply moved by having all these new people in its life all team up to rescue it when it is trapped in a worst case scenario (stuck on a hostile planet with no feed access and another being trying to become like a new governor module for it). It is in a better place than it has ever been in its life after the events of Network Effect and since it is so safe, I think it unconsciously relaxes more than it would have before and its systems take it as time to really start to process both the trauma that just occurred along with some of the repressed stuff.

I dont remember pages/chapters, but I know that Secunit mentions that the "false" memory was likely based on something that it saw happen to a client. I think the statistic it gave was that it was around 80% likely to have been based on a real memory, but it didn't actually happen to itself. It was at the point when Secunit decides to explain the redactions, I think midway through the book. I think it was supposed to feel kind of bizarre and unexpected, because secunit has never experienced anything like this before and it is deeply unsettling; it's used to being able to function and do its job under high levels of stress, so the fact that murderbot's trauma is rearing its head in this new way that prevents it from doing so is very unexpected and difficult to deal with.

I don't think that the memory was really supposed to be very specific, I think that it was confusing and upsetting, which is how murderbot experiences it. I don't remember any specific symbolism but I remember that the "false" memory seems to combine a lot of murderbot's traumas and fears, such as hostile fauna eating itself/clients and its recent trauma with TargetContact almost taking over secunit's body (like a type of consumption).

System Collapse to me was a book about murderbot struggling to accept the impacts of its trauma as well as learning that it is okay to struggle. Murderbot wants to be able to ignore the past trauma like it has always done, but it can't ignore it this time and it is impacting its job. Secunit has internalized that it is a piece of equipment that will be disposed of if not functioning optimally; even though it has made a lot of strides to recognize itself as a person, it still experiences so much self doubt and feelings of worthlessness, made worse because the problem is seemingly something it should be able to control.

We see Secunit feel these feelings and eventually realize that it has self worth that is not tied to its job in security; Secunit uses writing and storytelling to rescue people and thus finds a skill that is wholly its own, developed outside of what the company had planned for its life. Secunit can develop its own skills and isn't just good for providing security, which helps it to overturn some of those internalized feelings of worthlessness. At the end of the book, we even see it acknowledge that it might need trauma support, which is huge growth from the beginning of the book.

Anyway. I think I've gotten super off track from answering your question so I'm gonna end this rant here. I'm obsessed with these books so thanks for the prompt to talk about them!!!

[chronotsr]

No. 7.5 - 1978 Reflections, and the Halls of Mystery

Welcome back to the end-of-the-year recaps! This is technically the first TSR iteration of it!

1. Coolest ideas

It's a lot of stuff from D2. The big ticket item is "neutral-ground hostile shrine" -- any time you can muck about with otherwise hostile people without drawing swords immediately is a big win. I know that the reaction table is supposed to mitigate that some but, cmon. Sometimes you just can't think of a good reason that the 9th goblin pack tonight is not immediately hostile. This is a way more natural way to handle it. And it lets you talk and such and experience their culture from their perspective!

2. Coolest Module You Haven't Heard Of

This is honestly a hard one because all of these modules are intensely well known. Gun to my head, I would probably vote for G1. The D-series is cool but frankly there have been more better and more interesting iterations of subterranean hexcrawls -- Veins of the Earth being the currently famous one. But the thing about G1 is, G1 is a surprisingly natural and fun location. Unlike the others in the GDQ series, G1 is genuinely an adventure you could slot anywhere with no context. It is simply a fun raid on a fortress, which I never get tired of. The twists of "they're piss drunk" and "there's a slave revolt in the basement" are really good (albeit in 2024 a little stale) twists on the classic raid-on-fortress formula.

3. The Growth of Module Design

Honestly 1978 represents a rather stagnant year for module design. The most innovative design feature I see is how D1-D3 feeds into one another in a much more naturalistic way than its predecessors, and all through that deeply useful combination of hexmap and random tables with a handful of pre-programmed setpieces. I am eager to see hexmap technology get much better going forward.

…

Surprisingly, 1978 wasn't too much to talk about? I don't generally think of Gary as an "innovator" in module design space. His main contribution is taking things that already exist and making them feel more natural. Which is not to say that I now buy into Gygaxian Naturalism as this great feat, more than a lot of his competition at the time was seemingly intentionally anti-Naturalism. Their work feels like the reaction to me, Gary is just staying the course of "this should make an amount of sense". Although, his random dungeon monsters mishmash still feels as nonsensical as all hell.

The Halls of Mystery (From Dragon 21, December 1978)

And as threatened, we're going to have a very brief section on The Halls of Mystery, which holds the dubious honor of 1st Dragon Magazine dungeon. I would throw the full header at you, but everything is by Don Turnbull. You may recognize his name, at publication time he works for Games Workshop and he will be heading up TSR, Inc.'s UK branch starting in 1980, leading to the much-beloved Fiend Folio.

So. Not much to say about this, actually, It's a very large room with some branches. The main schtick of the Halls is that the main chamber contains several mirrors, some of which are magical. There's a big riddle on the desk on the south side, the riddle solution is actually quite obvious (say Excalibur three times -- and hey, Don told us the answer and rationale of the puzzle! Thanks Don!). When you move the central cylinder, it teleports you to the corresponding position in the dungeon. The rest is a lightweight stocking of the dungeon with monsters, treasure, et c. If you're keeping score, this is a Zelda puzzle. It's very cute and lightweight and honestly it's so neutrally written (no statistics are given and it would be trivially easy to restock it at any level) that you could genuinely use it in 2024 with very little effort. It's adorable! It is also wonderfully lean, clocking in at two total pages and frankly it's super refreshing to have such a light read of a module here.

Happily, next time we will be covering B1 - In Search of the Unknown, which is the second Basic D&D adventure we will be reviewing in this series (The adventure printed in the Basic rulebook, Tower of Zenopus, was first. This is our first lettered Basic adventure.) And, funnily, the first TSR module in this lineup I've never read before. See you then!

[pruning-the-minds-garden]

Saying it out loud

This post is to get something out of my head that has been stuck in there for a while. That whole mother-in-law post from yesterday touched off something of a desire in me to just... say, simply and directly... the things I've needed to say. All of them. Not to her, because that would be monumentally unproductive, but to just get them off my chest. So, that's what this post is about.

It is under a Read More for obvious reasons, both length and content. In there is some rough political stuff, transphobia, medical trauma, emotional manipulation / abuse tactics up to and including suicide threats, and suchlike. Proceed at your own risk and only if you are in a headspace to safely read that sort of thing without causing harm to yourself in the process.

Have you ever heard of the comment sandwich, Sophia? That is where you sandwich a criticism in between two compliments, and that's what I'm going to do today. Not to make you feel better, because you're never going to read this, but because I think that ultimately you do deserve to be remembered fondly for some things whilst being released from my heart for others you refuse to release from your own.

You have contributed positively and meaningfully to my life in a lot of ways. You were there for me at probably my lowest points, helping my wife while I was in the ICU, helping to fend off my own mother while she was spiraling in her own grief at my condition and lashing out at people near her because of it, helping to counsel me through my father's mental health crisis so that he didn't wind up as nothing more than another police violence statistic. Those were positive and meaningful contributions for which you deserve to be, and will be, fondly remembered. You also did other, smaller things for me. You helped humanize and ground the treatment of severe mental illness for me through your own diagnoses, and the way you lived with them. That helped to grow my heart. Thank you for that. Maybe it ought not to have taken that in an ideal world, but we don't live in that world and this is how I got to where I am so I'm not going to question it or myself too harshly. You have, for a long time, been a consistently kind and thoughtful voice in my life...

That said...

Lets talk about the last few years.

You have asked for a lot, and needed a lot, and mostly have gotten it. I don't consider that a bad thing. You should get the things you need to thrive, and have your needs fulfilled and be treated with respect. When the need was monetary, I paid it. When the need was time, my wife devoted hours and hours - driving more than an hour one-way to you - to helping you. When your system for cleaning your apartment broke down she went over, time and again, and cleaned your apartment top to bottom for you so that you would not get evicted. When your health got to the point that you could not make regular trips to the grocery store, she drove to you once a month and took you to the grocery store. Whenever you had a doctor's appointment or something else of the kind, she was there. Whenever you needed anything else, we were there if it was possible for us to be. We respected your needs and in conversation with you, when you made it clear you did not know about some subject or another - as you repeatedly told me you were unaware of politics, to the point of not knowing the difference between the Democratic and Republican parties - we patiently provided as unbiased and neutral a source of information as possible. I realize your values are not our values, you are a staunch Mormon and that frames your whole understanding of the world... so of course we are going to see things differently. Still, when you asked questions I provided answers. I did what I do. I also respected your mental health conditions and did not shame you for them. Whenever your alters came out I did not freak out about that, and treated them as the fully formed people they are. Whenever you collapsed asleep in the middle of conversation from narcolepsy, I simply suspended what we were talking about and resumed whenever you woke up. If you were having a depressive or manic episode and did something... unkind, I tried my very best to not hold that against you, and instead tried to listen to what you were saying underneath and the unmet need you were communicating to me.

You have never, ever, ever shown me or my wife the same respect.

When she asked that you text her the reason you are calling before you call, because unexpected calls spike her anxiety, you never did that. When I told you that I was non-binary and they/them pronouns were the correct ones to use in reference to me, you refused to use anything but he/him pronouns. When you started an argument about transgender rights and gender-affirming care with me, and then got uncomfortable with it because I was not reacting the way Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson and the crew at Fox News told you I would (i.e. I have a thick skin and do not get emotional at the drop of a hat, so I was maintaining decorum, compassion and decency, but you were engaging in personal attacks toward me and raising your voice)... you accused me of ambushing you with an argument you started, of planning the whole thing to get you into that state, when the only reason I was there that day is my wife did not want to make the hour-long drive by herself. Going back ten years (the reason why will become relevant shortly). When you came into town just prior to our wedding to help my wife and I with some pre-wedding tasks, you could not manage a single thing of actual, substantial use (though I gave you some nothing tasks so you would feel useful). What you did manage was to get mad and explode at me that she hadn't cleaned a house we weren't the only occupants of to your personal standards of cleanliness, though. You nearly broke into our bedroom and woke her from a dead sleep - a major PTSD trigger for her that would have sent her into a trauma spiral for the whole day, two days before our wedding - to yell at her about not wiping down a mirror in a shared bathroom. That only didn't happen because I, for one of the very few times in the ten years you have known me, stood in your way. I raised my voice, put my foot down and said, "That is not happening. If you want me to clean, fine. If you want to talk to her later, fine. But you are not going in there and waking up my fiance like that, Do You Understand?" After the argument mentioned earlier where you accused me of ambushing you, you then tried to reconcile by just saying you loved me, but never once saying you were sorry (a pattern we'll return to). The same is true of the aforementioned incident - you praised me, but never apologized or recognized that you were about to do something wrong. Afterward, you then communicated through my wife that you wanted me to call you (even though you are entirely capable of calling me yourself), so I did. It turned out you wanted me to apologize for saying to you, five years prior, that refusing to help Syrian refugees was cruel and unchristian. I did not, because it is those things. So, you wanted me to call you so that you could demand an apology for something that happened years prior that hurt your feelings, because that was the root cause of your misgendering and disrespecting me somehow?

No. I know what that was, and let me lay it out for you because you accidentally let the truth slip one time while talking to my wife.

You expressed to her that I am "hard to argue with" because I "stay so calm and rational." What that tells me is that you want to be offended. You are most comfortable when someone is attacking you, and you can demand an apology from them. That is a position of power for you, and you want to be in that position of power. It is frustrating for you to argue with me, because I don't attack you. I don't give you something to Karen about, and you want to Karen so badly it is physically painful. Even the prior statement about Syrian refugees was not about you, it was about that statement/policy. I said that doing that thing was cruel and unchristian, not that you were cruel and unchristian for supporting it (although, if I'm honest.... if the shoe fits.) Even when you were misgendering me and saying that transgender children were deranged and their parents ought to have their kids taken away if they affirm their gender, I was not calling you out on your obvious bigotry... I was asking you why the issue mattered so much to you. I was asking you why you cared. My question, which you never answered, was "What is the emotional core of your attachment to this issue? Clearly this is about more than just something political or theoretical for you to get so passionate about it... so why do you care about it so much? You are not trans, so why? I want to understand so I can better understand you, and how to approach this with you." That incensed you so much more, because it was not a response that the Conservative Argument Flowchart™ had prepared for that situation, but I also understand the power of the Pattern Interrupt. Anyway, that exchange and that later conversation combined with the demand for apology nailed home for me that this whole situation is, for you, about power. About dominance. About taking control of this situation in the way you best know how, which is by being the aggrieved party and demanding satisfaction, demanding that everyone else give you 100% of your asked-for items while you give them none of theirs. You are most comfortable with that kind of exchange, which I get because that's a pretty sweet deal... but no, I refuse.

That brings us to two days ago. You fell and possibly broke your ankle. That cannot have been pleasant and you have my sympathies for that, because that sucks. It would suck less if you managed your diabetes even a little so that wounds didn't take literal months to heal, but I digress. Anyway, you fell and injured yourself, and hours later called an ambulance. They took you to the ER. The ER put you in a wheelchair and sat you in the waiting room, and in that room you waited. And waited. And waited. Because this is a high-level trauma center, our state has a lot of COVID patients on account of being a conservative hellhole, and they have a lot more serious stuff to deal with than a maybe-broken ankle. You called my wife when you checked yourself out of the ER AMA (Against Medical Advice), and decided to walk home on your maybe-broken ankle that is not going to heal properly because with your nearly-nonexistent immune system nothing heals properly. When you called her you yelled at her for maybe 5-10 minutes about how undignified and embarrassed you were sitting in a wheelchair in the hospital for two hours (lol I have never had a trip to the ER take less than two hours with one exception, and that was when I was went there with a STAT code on my chart), and how "you're sorry" that every time she calls you get an anxiety attack. How you're sorry that she is such trouble and takes so much effort and that she will just cut herself out of your life now. How "you're sorry" that she is such a drain and then launched into a tired of "fuck you"s at her and everything you could think of, about how shameful it was to be sat in a wheelchair like that and in an ER for a full two hours etc etc. None of those "I'm sorry"s were actually apologies, they were all verbal irony and you know it. What you were having was a meltdown. The problem for me is that you went out of your way to bring her into your meltdown, to call her and make sure to say as much hurtful shit as possible to her so that days later she is still emotionally bleeding from her mother attacking her.

Then, as a cherry on top, you texted an hour later and said, "I love you." Not "I'm sorry that was really shitty of me, I was in a bad moment and said things I really regret, things that aren't true... and I wish I could take them back and will work to regain your trust" but "I love you" as though that by itself fixes it. It does not. Love and abuse can exist at the same time, in the same relationship. I know you know that, you were a counselor. Then, the next day, you texted to say that you wanted us to remove ourselves from the financial things we were doing to help you, so that we could be free of you. At this point, frankly, I would welcome that. However, my wife made a good point in saying that if we did that then you would be homeless by January and dead by spring (no, not hyperbole). So, really, if you were thinking clearly you'd realize that this is using a threat of suicide to try to extract emotional intimacy from someone, and that is extremely shitty. You are doubling down on your shittiness and ruining the one legitimately good and helpful relationship in your life in the process, the one person who is willing to extend you grace even now (and my wife is a fucking saint for that, though I think at this point probably ought to reconsider what she's doing for her own good)... and you will be left with naught but bitter ashes and emptiness as a result. The holiday baking this year will be a shambles.

Now, you can come back from this. You are a smart, insightful woman. You have helped me to see things more clearly before, so if you can get past this myopic view of issues close to your heart and instead start actually listening to the people around you... there's still time to turn the ship around. I don't want to condemn you. I don't think you are an irredeemably bad person. But, for my own sake and my own protection, I am putting distance between us until you calm the fuck down. So, for your sake and for our sake, please do that? Please listen to your better angels, and not the faux news demons perched on your shoulder?

[lovedetlost]

Hi baby

Sorry for my late update. 

So we went to get those samples. He kept looking at me when we were on the car. Asking me random questions like what type of music I listen to, if I saw that movie on netflix ...

He opened the car door and all doors everytime we went to a store. 

He invited me for lunch and took me to eat sushi.

He was very polite and respectful.  

He is well mannered well spoken and funny and kind. I mean he work in sales so I'm not surprised because they are supposed to be charming 

He talked about his ex. They were together for almost a year.  He breaks up with her because of her friend who was in love with her and they talked everyday and basically she choose him over him. It's been 9 months since he is single. 

He asked me about my personal life. I didn't have much to say. I didn'twant to mention Casanova. He laughed and said that I look like someone who doesn't have experience and doesn't know how to take compliments. 

He talked about his vision of life and relationship. 

He told me that I was pretty and patted my head 

He called me on Tuesday morning to ask a question that I'm sure he know the answer. He pretexted forgetting which products belong to which category.

I have not seen him since then. So I don't know

The sales assistant and the officer manager came to my department on Thursday afternoon and started gossiping asking questions but I was like there is nothing we just went for work and they were like be careful he likes women attention and to brag about himself. It put me off a little.

So I decided to don't go far with him. I don't like to mix work and relationship 

Casanova called me on Wednesday and asked me if I want to hang out with him but I declined. I asked him if he was doing okay because he seemed tired on the phone. He said that he missed me. On Thursday, "The friend" called and asked if I want to go to dinner with crew and said "You know I'm up for a threesome I don't mind we can share him" I was like haha you are funny no thank you you can have all of him". I was thinking about blocking her and him and all the people from that crew. I was so frustrated and confused because I didn't know what I was feeling exactly.

But anyway, I treated myself with a massage this morning since I'm feeling sick and tired. It helped me relax I really enjoyed it 😌

I hope I will find a cute respectful guy. In the meantime I'm going to reread ambivalent and sixth sense Rafe and spend a lazy weekend

Love you ❤️

👽

okay colleague is definitely into you. boys aren't that nice, sadly. and look, obviously you should trust your gut instincts with him, (they've done studies on women's gut instincts and sixth sense and it's actually quite accurate). but i will say this, unless there's clear, objective evidence - outside of your gut - that he's a bad guy, give him a chance. a player is a player until they settle down, and just because someone has slept around in their past does not mean they should not get a chance with someone now.

now there's an obvious asterisk on that statement, there's sleeping around and then there's treating women like shit, and they're not to be confused.

don't write him off too early. statistically we're most likely to meet our partner at work, even more often than through mutual friends. and a cute boy is a cute boy, any way you slice it.

i say all this to say, you should trust your gut, but if you do like him, and your gut is allowing, don't talk yourself out of it. we can logic ourselves out of far too much.

now, to casanova. if your 'friend' is offering a threesome (a pathetic attempt to camaraderie and passing it off as we're all friends sharing i can't stand her) he's not slept with her again. in those situations, people only offer to share as a means to a one-on-one end. which gives me hope for casanova's soul. man knows he fumbled the bag. i'm not saying to forgive him, or that i forgive him, but i'm glad he realises how monumentally he fucked up.

i understand your frustration. i'm not saying to excommunicate all of them, losing a friend because she had a fallout with a boy hurts quite a lot (i speak from experience). but space is required. if you're especially close to anyone, just explain it. and if it's a girl, she'll understand. the heart doth hurt and only time and space can heal it.

MASSAGE IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA BABY. this is the time for self love. massages, manicures, nice dinners, sappy movies, the like. and yes comfort characters and simping over fictional men who would never treat us so appallingly.

darling you deserve the world. i really hope you get it. love you always honey

[leejeongz]

nsfw a-z CHOI HYUNSUK (treasure)

🔅highly requested so i hope that you’re all happy with this and it’s what you wanted 🥺 these are so fun to write🤗🔅

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

the nicest boy on the planet. he’ll get you water and will clean you up. he becomes your little puppy and would do ANYTHING for you. he asks you if you’re okay a LOT and is super soft and giggly with you. also tonnes of compliments 🥺

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

he likes his mouth and what it can do to you. using it on any part of your body has you moaning… even just gentle kisses. he likes that he has that influence on you and uses it to his advantage.

on you his fav is… he doesn’t have one? he can’t find anything he likes more than the rest, everything about you is perfect to him and he tells you that regularly. but he is a big fan of your legs and how sexy they look 👀

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

on your face, in your mouth or on your chest. not really a fan of finishing inside because 1. he prefers safe sex 2. HE DOESN'T WANT A CHILD YET and so doesn't wanna cum in the condom either lol just in case. likes to cum on ur tits because it looks nice and it makes him cum thinking about it.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

he likes sending and receiving voice notes. it’s easier to get off to when you guys aren’t together and faster than texting. enjoys phone calls too but doesn’t have time to think before he speaks on the phone so that’s why voice notes >>. plus they last forever, he can return to them at any time.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

keeps it on the low because he doesn’t wanna make you think you have to “live up to previous partners” or “he’s just using me as a statistic” but he’s had a lot of sexual partners. most were romantic partners (as romantic as 3 month relationships can be) but he’s probably had to relieve stress with other people on occasion. he knows what he’s doing, but he doesn’t wanna compare you to other partners so he keep all of his experiences separate from whatever you’re doing together if that makes sense.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

he likes hitting it from the back, doggy all the way. his hands rest on your ass and spread your cheeks occasionally. also gives him the best angle to spit on his dick before pushing it in (doesn't just rely on spit alone as lube tho, he learnt that the hard way).

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

i wouldn’t call him goofy in the moment, but he’s not serious either. he’s just having a good time and so are you. he still remains the same person you see everyday, fun loving and sweet.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

the first few times he knew you were gonna do stuff, he shaved or at least trimmed. but the care slowly started fading out and he stopped doing anything down there. if you don't like it, that’s your problem, not his, it’s a lot of effort to go to for someone who clearly doesn’t accept him for him.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

everything you do, it’s full of love, and it shows. he treats you like his queen and nothing less.

sometimes he can be distant tho, especially during quickies, he has one goal and that is to cum, you’re simply there to assist at that time. but after he’ll show you all the love in the world, he’ll even thank you hehe.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

he does it in the shower most of the time. it’s private and also reminds him of times he’d had sex in there so it’s a winner.

the idea of having sex or looking back at sex is mainly what he gets off to, but he uses porn ocassionally when he’s jacking off in bed.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

PRAISE (giving)- likes to tell you when you’re doing something well and likes to let you know that you look good throughout. it’s his favourite thing to do because he means it. he tells you that you look good on your knees because you do, he tells you that he loves the way you moan because he does. he recognises that this makes him vulnerable but it builds trust.

daddy- only if you’re okay with it bc some people don’t really enjoy it for obvious reasons, but he likes you calling him daddy. he likes your voice anyway, but dropping “daddy” innocently into sentences not only turns him on but also makes him eager to please. you’re his baby girl so it’s only natural that he’s your daddy. he has to treat you right.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

he’s up for it anywhere when he’s in the mood. he loves shower sex. although a little impractical and kinda annoying at times, he loves being able to make out with you in a hot and steamy room and fuck you agasint the shower glass.

he’s also a fan of just basic on the bed, on top of the sheets. it’s convenient and hard to mess up.

both places mentioned he considers quite romantic too, which is why he likes them.

very very very turned on by the idea of fucking you in a bathroom or dressing room backstage but he isn’t sure if you’d be up for it or not, definitely something you’d have to initiate but he’s love it.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

your voice and your moans - you turned on = him turned on. hearing you moan or talk in the way you know he likes… HARD ON STRAIGHT AWAY!!!!!

running your hand through his hair - it sends him crazy. his eyes roll to the back of his head and he has no control over himself when you do that.

wearing his clothes - especially if you wear nothing underneath. he’d encourage that shit too, constantly giving you hoodies and t-shirt’s to wear when you’re at his place.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

anything that puts your safety at risk. you are his happiness and seeing you suffer, even if it something you enjoy, he hates it. he also isn’t one for receiving pain himself. i think he’d not only be hurt physically but also emotionally… like why would you do that to him?

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

likes to keep it equal, always repays the favour. actually enjoys eating you out tho and it’s his ✨forte✨. let’s just say he knows what he’s doing with his tongue. he likes to hold your hand when he eats you out, like in a romantic, intimate way.

when you suck his dick, he’s the type to have his hands laced in your hair. he wouldn’t be too forceful and would let you go at your own pace. he never expects you to suck his dick, he’s not one to request a blowjob all too often, but he would never refuse one.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

he would start of steady, letting you adjust and what not, before making you set the pace. you can back into him as slow or as fast as you want but after a few seconds he’ll be there to steady it out again. he’d be quite rough even though he’s attempting to be romantic, but it’s just to add a little spice.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

oh he LOVES quickies. they turn him on, even just thinking about them turns him on (and usually leads to one when possible). sex is sex and he’s game for any at anytime. most of the time these happen when people are in earshot. he tells you to be quiet but neither of you want to be. the idea of getting caught fucking you in his dressing room turns him on.

he’d actually prefer quickies to dragged out sex. fast fucking to get the job done is more appealing to him than dragging it out sometimes.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

he likes to stick to what he knows. he’d rather know that what he’s doing is good and is actually making you feel good rather than experimenting with something that could go wrong.

he does take risks in the sense that he’s gonna fuck you where you guys could possibly get caught but not as far as to inflict pain or injury.

saying that, he isn’t opposed to trying something that you want to try, or something that you’ve brought from previous experiences.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

he drags out the whole thing if you have the time to, spends a lot of time on foreplay. although this doesn’t happen very often, this type of sex is once in a blue moon.

as mentioned above, he loves quickies, they’re his most favourite type of sex since they happen when either of you need it, not when it’s been built up for god knows how long because he’s too busy for that.

he usually can go for two+ rounds but chooses not to. once he’s started on his aftercare, there isn’t a chance you’re getting more dick after that, you’re gonna have to wait (unless you tease him ofc 11/10 would recommend).

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

he’s in two minds about them. if you already own them, he wants to see you use them and might use them on you too. if you don’t have any but you want to incorporate them, he’s not opposed to it but he’d rather you found out what you liked in relation to toys first. if you didn’t want to use them he wouldn’t even bring it up.

if you wanted to use some on him, he would let you try it out, but he wouldn’t force himself to enjoy it. if he doesn’t enjoy it he’s not letting you use it again.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

he’s a tease outside of the bedroom but during sex, everything is as you see it. he doesn’t want to waste time teasing you, especially if you don’t have the time.

he likes teasing you when people are around. seeing you getting all clammy in front of your friends or his friends to assert his power over you. his favourite thing you do is wink at you and smile. so innocent yet it means so much more to you than it would to someone else when he does it.

sometimes teases you unintentionally. he puts his hand a little too far up on your thigh and before you know it you’re wet and he’s just having a laugh with his friends, not even noticing what he’s done to you. time to take him to the bathroom and show him i think ;).

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

loud! groans and moans a lot, he’s not afraid to do it either, he doesn’t hold back. he knows you get turned on by his groaning just the same as he gets turned on by your moans and so he takes great pride in not being shy to make some noise.

dirty talk is a must among you pair once the initial shyness has gone. you could get off to each other’s voices alone. add that to some amazing sex and you’re all set for orgasm after orgasm.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

(i have a strange feeling that someone has written something like this before about hyunsuk (but better obvs and in more detail) but i can’t remember who… if that’s the case i promise this isn’t me stealing their idea or anything malicious).

“i’ve never done this before” you confessed, opening up your laptop to the screen he’d caught you on. you were really embarrassed that he’d caught you watching porn, but he wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest, in fact, it really turned him on. that’s why he suggested you watch it together.

“we can try it together” he encouraged, pressing the spacebar to continue the video. you turned up the volume a little, making sure you could both hear.

it took you both a few minutes to really become comfortable with the situation. you’d gotten back to imagining yourself and hyunsuk in that situation, while he studied it to pick up on anything that you might be into.

“oh” he looked over at you who was clearly deep in thought “you like blindfolds too?” he asks.

“yeah, it’s hot” you reply, not once taking your eyes off the screen.

hyunsuk looks around your room when his eyes land on your sleeping mask. he hesitates for a second, thinking he might ruin the atmosphere if he springs in on you straight away. he decides to not ask you just yet, he’s a little too tired to have sex right now, but remembers it for the next session.

you glance over towards him, his trousers and hands catching your eye before noticing that he wasn’t even watching.

“are you embarrassed? i can turn it off if you want” you question. he slowly removes his hands from over his pants and instead replaces it with yours. you begin to palm him while steadying the laptop with your other hand. the laptop was soon moved to the end of the bed. your hand was now in your underwear and his was in his boxers. the experience was surreal, it was a lot of firsts for you, you’d never even thought about rubbing one out while your boyfriend did the same next to you, but you were definitely enjoying it.

“don’t cum until i do,” hyunsuk ordered. easier said than done. “i wanna cum listening to your moans, baby”

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

he's smaller than average…4-5” with average thickness but he gets the job done and it doesn’t affect the pleasure he can give to you.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

proper sex, 1-2 times a week. he can be horny whenever you want him to be and you both know that, but he doesn’t always wanna have sex. sometimes he’s just happy with getting you off, especially if he’s tired.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

he gets a little hyper after sex and wants to stay awake just to be around you and show you how much you mean to him. falling asleep is the last thing he wants to do. if you haven’t actually had sex, just a little fondling and playing, he’d fall asleep pretty much straight away afterwards. the whole reason you pair didn’t go all the way at the time was because he was tired so…

[1zashreena1]

Trading Trauma -13

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary:  They share the rough stuff while trying to figure out how to be gentle with each other. And an antagonist?

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Detailed discussion of abuse in all forms- Physical-Mental-Emotional-Verbal*** SERIOSULY HEED THIS WARNING Anxiety attacks, vague hinting at mental-behavioral health disorders, plus size woman+fit man, This one is all feels and 

I Am So Sorry.

A/N:  Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic ​ @symbiont13 ​ @nicke0115 ​​ @bunnykjm ​ @rosee-sensuelle ​ @girlpornparadise ​ @mandoplease ​ @heresathreebee ​ @xxsteph-enrixx ​ @jetiikad ​ @joalsglasses ​ @mutantcookiesecrets ​ @demoncatstone ​ @squidlywiddly87 ​ @lockedoutofmyotherblog ​ @poeedamerons ​

I believe gif came from @girlpornparadise​ 

Its a Friday like any other and Bastian picks you up like always. Only, something is wrong. You can tell because Bastian is silent; absolutely, completely, dead silent.

"So," You try from the passenger seat, "What the fuck is going on that you don't want to tell me?" Its raining and everything in New York is shaded in tones of gray. The gray buildings pass by, people in gray coats with gray umbrellas trudge along the sidewalk, even this SUV is gray. It still has new car smell. What happened that he bought a new SUV?

A muscle tics in Bastian's jaw as he tenses under your attention. Pale green eyes dart to you, then back to the road. Finally, Bastian speaks, "Alicia was here today." 

Your jaw drops. "What? Why? Is he okay?" Your immediate concern is Diego, both his physical safety and his mental well-being. Bastian's silence is an obvious negative. After staring at him for an indeterminate amount of time and receiving no further details you go back to the windshield. "We can order food later, just take me to him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diego is stationed on the sectional when you arrive, working on his laptop. Bastian places your bag just inside the penthouse then retreats back into the elevator. That's never a good sign.

Diego looks up and smiles, its blindingly gorgeous and your heart stutters. The laptop gets dumped to the side in favor of grabby hands going for your curves. You climb into his lap, knees outside his hips, loop your arms around his neck, and fold him down into your softness. With a huge sigh, Diego melts into you.

"Princess. Missed you." His rumble is soft and quiet against your neck. He wraps you up tighter and squeezes your squishy middle. "Stay. Please." What started as an order ended as a plea in under two words. 

You stroke over his hair, kissing his forehead and nodding gently. "I'm here, baby. Are you okay?" The likelihood of getting a straight answer is slim but you have to ask. You need him to know that you care, that you want to take care of him. 

He nods into your neck and settles further. Apparently this is where I sit now. His breathing is normal, he doesn't flinch or jump wherever you pet him, and his clothing is in place. As far as you can tell, he is physically well. The only thing out of place here is his hidden face.

He is surprisingly cuddly in private, your Murder Panther rather enjoys petting, but he has never hidden from you. Its concerning, especially in conjunction with Bastian's hushed announcement in the car. 

"What do you need me to do?" You keep your voice even and quiet because you're not sure how upset he really is. Broad shoulders shrug under you, he seems almost defeated. You try a different tact and ask, "Okay, when did you last eat?" 

"Dish mornin." Diego mumbles into your skin like a kid. In truth, he is like a large child a lot of the time. He gets easily distracted by activity and is frequently lost in whatever task happens to be most interesting to him at that exact moment. He fidgets minutely under you, a tiny bit of his normal reaction to your presence is evident. 

You turn to smirk into his cheek, "I meant food, but if that's what you need, well, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." His deep chuckle shakes your entire body. "Where's my phone? Lemme order dinner before you go after dessert."

Diego pulls your phone out of the back pocket of your jeggings and passes it to you, then replaces it with a huge hand. You laugh but proceed to order from that steakhouse you like in Brooklyn.

----------------------

By the time dinner has been completed Diego is relaxed and loose-limbed, sprawled on his back across your lap in the corner of the sectional. He is still quiet, but if you keep both hands on your tablet a little too long he makes his displeasure known with a growly whine. You’ve been absent-mindedly petting him for some time when you decide to try again.

"So, can I do anything to help you? Listen? Massage? Cuddle? Err, cuddle more intensely?" You don't look at him in an attempt to not make him uncomfortable. 

Diego heaves a sigh and holds your hand flat to his chest. You can feel his heart, its picking up speed and you feel a little guilty. He licks his lips and finally speaks, "Alicia was waiting for me when we came back from a meeting this morning. She has been questioning my books. I suppose she doubts my math." Diego waves a dismissive hand in the air.

You have seen this man complete statistical mathematical analysis in his head, everyone knows his math isn't a problem. 

"Um. First of all, no. Secondly, n-o-o-o." You draw the word out in your sarcasm and Diego snorts with amusement. "Why do you think she was really here?" You ask soberly.

"It is the math. I need to redistribute my surplus. What is that saying? Use it or lose it?" Diego looks up at you from under raised brows, waiting for you to confirm or correct his language. 

That is fucking adorable. Your chest tightens with his easy familiarity with you and his trust that you have his back in all things, even something as small as a possible mistranslation. You nod in confirmation, but also need some clarification. "So, help me understand here, you have a surplus of what? Profit?" 

Diego nods succinctly. "Technically, it is a deficit of expenses. However, the expenses are paid out of the profits, so I simply hadn't moved the profit surplus into the expense account, which would have highlighted the cost deficit. I attempted to not draw any undue attention to it, but that failed. I must find somewhere to funnel the excess money that would not arouse suspicion."

It takes you a minute to process that whole thing. Diego watches you mentally work through it with amused patience. You now have more questions than answers. "Okay, wait. Rewind further back. Why do you have extra money? Are you not spending as much?"  What is happening? 

"It is two folds," Diego holds up a hand with one finger raised, you don't bother correcting him this time, "I am not consuming my own product, therefore selling more and netting more profits." He raises a second finger and continues, "I am spending substantially less on incidental costs. Not so many bottles or strippers or whatever. So saving more." 

He stares at his own raised fingers in bemusement before muttering thoughtfully, "Julio always led me to believe that women are expensive to keep but you have been saving me money. Hmm." He glances up at you with a small smile, tentative and cautious, so very not Diego-like. 

Your shrug is exaggerated, but your flush is not. "Glad I could help? I mean, its my fault this extra money is sitting around, so its my fault she noticed and then came here. I'm sorry, baby." Sometimes when you open your mouth everyone goes on a surprise trip, including you. It wasn't meant to turn self-deprecating, but here you are. You really do feel guilty. My presence has altered his lifestyle and its a problem.

The worry must be obvious on your features because Diego catches it immediately. He rushes to soothe you, "No, Princess. I chose to do these things, or rather to not. You have done nothing wrong. I would rather have you and this problem than to not have you and not this." His right hand comes up to cradle your cheek and direct your gaze down to him. Those beautiful brown eyes are molten, fierce with some emotion you don't want to analyze. It still fucks you up.

You swallow hard and lick your lips, "So what do we do?" Diego follows the path of your tongue with his thumb while his lips curl up in pleasure at your choice of wording. The way he looks at you sometimes, like he might try to move heaven and earth for you, it hurts. You can't decide if you like it or not.

"We must spend the money." He winks at you. "I will invest some and hide it in offshore accounts. If anything happens it will come to you." His air of finality is chilling.

Looking him over, you can feel tears welling up. "I don't want the money. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy being spoiled, because duh. But if I have to make some ultimate choice between money or Murder Panther?" Your hands fling around with impassioned gesticulation. 

Diego chuckles, "What does," he imitates your sharp movements, "mean, Princess?" His eyes sparkle with the city lights twinkling in through the windows, but so far he is succeeding in suppressing his smile.

"It means, you know!" You flail your hands around faster, as if that will make your point. 

Diego does it back faster, so you interject with even faster movements, and Diego rebuts the same way until you grab his hands to stop him. The both of you dissolve into almost hysterical giggles.

He uses your joined hands to pull your forehead down to his. You can see a dizzying array of emotions swirling in his eyes, its breathtaking. His breathing hitches, brows draw down, and then his eyes close. 

"Baby." You sigh, cupping his cheeks gently, "What?" The question is soft, tentative. He doesn't release the hold on your wrists, but allows you enough space to pet him minutely. 

"When I have you here it blocks out everything else." Long fingers spasm on your forearms as Diego pauses to drag in a ragged breath, he continues, "I want to keep you here."

I don't know what to say. You're dumbfounded. "What? What does that mean?"  Your voice has shrunk down to a quavering whisper.

Diego opens his eyes to look up at you and they are deep enough for drowning. "You are coddling me and I like it. I want you here every day. Give me this whenever I want it." He whispers roughly. Diego studies your form as though committing your features to memory. "You should," that raspy voice hesitates and Diego grips your arms tighter, "You should quit your job and move in with me."  He stares up at you in complete sincerity. 

You're trying to keep it together. Diego is the one who had a bad day here. You're supposed to be helping him, not having your very own freak out. Think rationally about this. He isn’t here all the time, sometimes he's in LA. I'm not hot enough to be a trophy wife. What would I do all day? Just help him? Wouldn't that just be a different job? Oh my god, if I say yes to this… what if he asks me to go to LA? What if--

"PRINCESS!" Diego's bark cuts through your mental tornado and you blink back to awareness. He is still in your lap, cupping your jaw in one giant hand, while he watches you silently freak the fuck out. 

"I'm sorry," you gasp, "I didn't mean to just. Just. Zone out." Your breathing is shallow and you can feel your heart racing. 

Diego just watches you, unreadable. You glance down at him then look away. One of the coffee mugs is missing from the tree. Must be in the dishwasher.

"Hey." That rumble is soft and you cannot ignore it. Your eyes shoot down to his again, then away, and you shake your head 'no' minutely. Diego shifts to sit up (Via only abdominal muscles, your entire pelvis helpfully informs you) but keeps a hand on you. He sits back into the corner of the sectional and beckons to you. When you move toward him Diego spins you so your back is to his chest while you sit in his lap.

He wants to maintain contact but not overwhelm me by being in my face. I wonder if he’s been researching again.

Its enough to crack your heart open a little.

His long legs bracket your hips and you smile fondly, it reminds you of all the times spent in the jacuzzi tub. Diego rests his prickly chin on your left shoulder, wraps huge hands around your middle, and just sits there. Your hands pet over his thighs, his knees, then inward to cover the grip on your rounded stomach. 

"Logically," you clear your throat, "I know you don't mean it this way. But. I, well, I basically gave up my entire self once before and, as you know, it did not go well." Your voice is clear but soft as you continue, "You're not him. You are so very not him. But I still have… scars." Your hands are shaking noticeably so you stuff them under his. Diego laces his fingers with yours and steadies you.

"You never told me what he did to you. I want to know everything about you, Princess. Let us make a deal, huh?" Diego is always just a little bit greedy and you can only respect that as a fellow hedonist.

Tilting your head to the left, you lean your cheek against his nose, then answer warily, "I'm listening…"  You can feel Diego's smirk.

"I will tell you what happened when I was little and you will tell me what happened during that 'relationship'. An even exchange." He stares at you from a few centimeters away and you return the calculating look from the corner of your eye.

Your lips purse while you consider, then offer a caveat, "Only if I can write it out and not speak it." You turn to face him fully. He looks so… soft.

Diego licks his lips, "Deal. Now kiss." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You write out everything you can remember from your ex.

How no one was allowed to know you existed, you could have no title, that it wasn't a 'relationship' despite living together for eight years. 

You worked full time, you cooked, you cleaned, you kept a household budget even when it meant emptying your savings account to pay for his bankruptcy filing. 

The way you paid all the bills but your name was only listed on the lease, the three cases of beer you had to buy every week no matter how tight money was for groceries, you weren't permitted to hang anything on the walls so your ex could cover them with posters of girls half your size. 

You kept your hair dyed strawberry blonde because that was what he liked, because then he would touch you without sneering. The other girls you poached for him to sleep with instead of you. How you were supposed to be grateful that a man would even deem to fuck you at your size.

The wake up call when you argued back the first time after all those years. How he had backed you up to the top of the steep stairs in your second floor apartment and then loomed over you. The way you teetered on the precipice before diving under one of his arms and escaping to the bathroom, the only door with a lock.

How one day while he was at work you stuffed everything that would fit into your car and just left. The way you had to start over from scratch with no credit history or savings. The court proceedings for the restraining order, that you had to recount everything in front of your family, a judge, and the ex himself.

. . . . .

You don't realize how badly your hands are shaking until Diego takes the tablet from them. He sets it down on the neighboring cushion and locks the screen dark before turning back to you. Those huge arms wrap around your middle, on top of your own arms hugging yourself, and pull your back flush to his chest. You ponder his largeness; his thighs are as long as your arms, the stupefyingly huge hands and feet are an endless source of fascination, the biceps are your favorite pillow. You grin dumbly. 

"What?" Even at a whisper his voice vibrates deep in your chest. Its not especially deep, but its so rough, it almost reminds you of a cat tongue. Diego watches your face from an inch away.

Left shoulder raising in a lazy shrug, you sigh, "I love sleeping next to you. And I don't like sharing a bed with anyone." You blush a bit with the confession, but its true. "I feel safe with you even though realistically I know it should feel the opposite. You won't hurt me and you won't let anyone else either." Its a direct contrast to what you were just writing about and you say it with absolute conviction. 

"Of course not! But, but if I do, accidentally obviously, you will tell me?" Diego sounds simultaneously aghast and condescending but not at all offended by your acknowledgement of his potential danger. Amazing.

You turn to face him and lean your forehead against his. Diego sighs softly and squeezes you tighter. "I mean, I might write it, but yeah." 

He makes that adorable scrunchy-thinky face that you love before announcing, "I'll allow it."

Your eyes roll fondly as you sigh, "Oh good. So glad that meets your approval."  His sly smile is mesmerizing. 

"So. Are you gonna read that or…?" You glance down to the tablet then back up at him. "No, wait," you interject before his open mouth can start making noise, "Tell me yours first. Please." You turn solemn as you consider how bad this might be. Watching his face gives you a hint; his forehead smooths and his eyes shutter while soft lips turn down at the corners. Its his poker face, he is hiding from you.

Diego clears his throat quietly and looks away before he begins, "Our mother died when I was young, before I started school. My Lita said she committed suicide, apparently she was depressed after I was born. Alicia blamed me." 

You knew he had grown up without a mom, all of his delighted reactions to your own mother knowing and hearing about him had suddenly made a hell of a lot more sense when he told you. And you already knew that he was close with his grandmother, Lita, that she had looked out for him. And now much of Alicia's behavior made sense, too.

"My earliest memory of Alicia is at age twelve for her. By that point she had convinced our father that it was my fault. I was four the first time he hit me with a belt. The buckle, of course." Diego's jaw grinds, you can see his right eye twitch. You want to reach out to him but he probably won't tolerate it right now. He frequently misreads sympathy for pity. I'm starting to understand why.

"When I was eight she said to get in the car, I was allowed to go to the grocery store with her. The nearest was the next town to the east. Halfway there she pulled over and told me to get out, then she left. A neighbor driving home from the store saw me and took me to Lita. I do not know how long I was out there but I was very hungry." Here Diego pauses and swallows, "Lita said I ate a pound of beans." His wry smile is bitter. 

Brown eyes turn to you, his face is closed and guarded at first. You keep your mouth shut and just look at him. Slowly but surely, Diego's big body relaxes behind you, his eyebrows flatten and his lips soften. 

"When I was ten she pushed me through an open window. He beat me with the metal frame from the broken screen. At twelve I burnt one of the kitchen cabinets trying to make food before they got home. It was a rake that time. Thirteen was a microwave, I did not know about the thing with aluminum foil so it sparked and it was ruined. Also, I somehow got a video tape tangled in the VCR, I have no idea how. I begged my friend not to leave, father would not do anything until we were alone. It only made it worse." You can't take it anymore, your right hand comes up to his far shoulder and strokes up to cup his jaw. 

Diego turns toward you, rests his forehead into your neck, then proceeds to give you more. "I was sixteen when father staged the coup and killed his uncle to take over the cartel. He and Alicia sent me on 'errands'. I learned that these were suicide missions when I turned nineteen. Each time I came home fucked up but alive they were furious. Every time the cartel experienced a setback Alicia convinced everyone it was my fault, that I somehow ruined everything I was given." The seismic effect of his voice has shrunk in correlation to his volume. You can clearly tell that this is the time period when Alicia cemented into his mind that he was a total fuckup. 

Rough beard sears your skin as Diego raises his head to rub a cheek on you. You shudder and fist his shirt in your hand. With a deep sigh he goes on, "I was twenty-two when I made my first deal with a cousin. It took three years but we arranged for a rival outfit to give information to the DEA and they took our father away. Alicia decided this was her chance to take over everything but the men did not all take her seriously as a woman. Thus, she finally had a use for me and so here I am still."

You lean into him, rubbing back. Diego is the first and only person with whom you have actively wanted and enjoyed cuddling. He always smells good to you, even when he should probably shower you still like to bury your nose in his hair and breathe deep. Its gotta be pheromones. 

"She doesn’t know that you made that deal, does she?" You question cautiously, wary of upsetting him. He shakes his head 'no' and brushes fleeting kisses up your neck to your cheek. You take it one step farther, "So could you potentially take over everything by yourself?"

Diego pauses to meet your gaze, his head cocks to the side just the tiniest bit. "Do… do you want me to do that?" His voice is hesitant, cautious even. 

"No." You whisper softly. "I just want you safe. As safe as possible. And I know you'll be safer if she is out of your life." Your smaller hands cup his jaw through their own volition, thumbs stroking over the silver patches in his goatee. Plunging straight into the deep end, you offer an alternative, "Or, if that isn't a viable option, maybe you could quote-unquote 'retire'?" You study his beautiful face as his eyes unfocus while he digests your words. His brow furrows and he purses his lips in concentration. 

"That is worth some deliberation, Princess." Diego admits. Then, with a visible shake, he comes back to the topic at hand. "But now, it is your turn. Turn back, huh? I'll read this." Big hands move you around like a ragdoll and you melt a little inside, I wonder if he could just carry me like a baby all day.

You snuggle back into thick torso and sigh with pleasure. Yes, you're still anxious about this but you trust Diego more. Knees drawing up, you hide in your thighs, he only squeezes you tighter. You can hear him picking up the tablet and. And.

Breathe. Just breathe. My jeggings are soft, the couch is slightly fuzzy, his pants are silky, the blanket is plush. I'm here, with Diego, right now. Safe. You practice the grounding techniques that have worked in the past while he reads silently. His stillness is killing you slowly.

Finally, the tablet goes back to the cushion and the second hand comes back to you. Diego grips your stomach tightly before speaking, "Princess. You understand that you are beautiful, yes? I said I love you because I meant it. You. Just like this. Round and soft and thick. With your glasses and your big dark eyes and these curls in so many shades of brown and silver. Smart, sarcastic, funny, ballsy. You are shrewd and sneaky, that's sexy!" He chuckles a bit and you laugh raggedly, trying to hold back tears. 

"But," he continues in a milder tone, "I understand why you were unnerved earlier. I did not mean to absorb you, or, or erase you. I only want to take care of you. Spoil you how you deserve it. You understand?" That dark voice directly in your ear is incredibly distracting, and then the words register in your consciousness. 

"I, I mean I understand but I don't get it. You know?" Your voice is raspy, you're so tired deep in your soul. This is everything you never allowed yourself to dream of and you're not entirely sure that maybe you aren't in a coma somewhere hallucinating all of this. It certainly feels real, you snort to yourself as you pet over Diego's muscled arms. 

Nuzzling into your neck, he sighs deeply, "Oh, I do. You have no criminal record, you rescue tiny baby animals, I have seen you buy food for other people when their card declines, you sort recycling, woman." Here he laughs wryly and you join him. You see his point, you're both from very different backgrounds and from the outside probably don't seem like a good fit. But still…

"Most of my insecurities come from my size and the way that has influenced other people's demeanor toward me. You have never behaved like that, you always treated me just like all other women. It's both confusing and freeing. Like, at times I don't know how to behave but other times I just run with it." Your confession comes out evenly and sounds logical. Huh, maybe I'm finally getting over some of this.

Diego hums thoughtfully from where he is pressed into your cheek. "And you have always treated me like a person, not a bank or just a good time. Or a path to power." His voice is raspy and low, full of emotion. "As though my feelings mattered. Even that first night. You regarded me as an equal." You chuckle with the memory of forcing him to come to you in the club when you first met. His dimpled smile of delight still has the same effect on you. Recalling the morning after when he wasn't at all fazed upon seeing you while sober and well-lit fills you with warmth, too.

Diego goes on, oblivious to your musings, "I want to take care of you as a partner, not take you over. I want you just as you are, I wouldn't have taken you home, or texted you later, or invited you back if I didn't. I will share everything with you. I have kept you from the business for your own safety, but I, but if, if you want to see or learn, I know you would be an exceptional addition. It would change your life drastically and I did not want to make that decision for you; that would not end well."

You can hear the restrained hope in his words. His serious consideration of leaving the business for you is a revelation. He really and truly wants to share his life with you; to make a life together, not simply add you to his own as an accessory. He values your input and observations but doesn't want to put you in a precarious or dangerous situation. Being with him like this already does that. I'm already in this far, I'm IN LOVE WITH HIM.

"I want to think about it. I can't lie, of course I like the idea of being taken care of, not having to worry about things. But I still need to be my own individual, not a dependent, you know?" Its easier when you can't see him, you're less likely to shutdown and go nonverbal. Diego clearly understands this, and therefore you. Its new and novel and comforting and terrifying. 

With a kiss to your cheek he leans back a bit to whisper, "That is understandable and reasonable. I have been doing research, reading on normal relationships and not so normal women. I have never done any of this before.  But know this: Everything I have, everything I am, is yours, Princess. My wealth, my connections, my power, me, my heart, this dick, all yours."

You snort through tears, "That's like a fucking hallmark card, baby." It hurts underneath your ribs, Is this what love is supposed to feel like or am I doing it wrong? He's certainly doing it right. You giggle unevenly before amending, "Except for the dick. That is all Diego."

His laugh is deep and soft. "I have never bought a card in my life. Is that really what they're like?" He asks incredulously. Your enthusiastic nod only makes him laugh harder, the hoarseness of it giving way to wheezing. "That is horrible!"

"I know!" You crow and then collapse back into him in helpless guffaws. Diego wheezes into your hair, grabbing your hands and holding tight. 

"But," he pauses to giggle briefly, "But, can we try? Will you at least consider more for me? I wasn't sure when to tell you, but... we are going to split the territory and the duties. I am going to stay here, in New York, full time." Diego declares haltingly, his voice quavers with the fear of rejection. "You can come here whenever you wish and I'll be able to reach you in two hours on any day. I want to be as close to you as possible, close for you."

You turn around slowly, openly gawking at him. His big brown eyes are wet, he blinks furiously and licks his lips in apprehension. This dangerous, powerful, stunning man is afraid of your refusal.

 "You… I. I don't know what. That's. No one has ever…" you trail off and gesture vaguely. Your question is thick with shock, "You're rearranging your life for me?"

Diego shrugs half-heartedly. "You are my priority,  Princess. I don't want a life without you. Please tell me that is ok-kay." His voice hitches. For this man that is practically begging. 

You can feel your throat closing up, its all you can do to nod and throw yourself into his arms. That big body sags with relief as Diego crushes you to him. Burrowing into his neck, you choke out fiercely, "I love you, Diego Jimenez." 

His choppy sigh, the soft, "Te amo, Princess." It all shatters you apart. When the pieces come back together again its Diego who fits them into place, Diego who holds you together, Diego who tries to set you free to thrive on your own terms. 

This is like the most ridiculously lovesick puzzle in the universe. Fucking feelings.

[beerecordings]

hey i don't want to be too critical but i know you write jackie as autistic and i don't know if you're nd but sometimes he comes across like he's an allistic person with some sensory issues. i'm sure you try your best being inclusive and all but there's lots of common stuff like vocal stimming, comfort objects, picky eating, hyperfixations, phobias, hyperverbality etc. that i've never noticed in him. i hope this is helpful feedback i really love nd jackie headcanons.

thank you for your warm tone and your feedback i love hearing from you!! let’s talk about this! maybe you can help me get better at representing him.

to be fair, I do sometimes worry that Jackie’s ASD is too confined only to his sensory issues, but I don’t think that it’s the only thing represented in the story. I know the sensory issues are very obvious, but I do try to put other things in there. Yes, it would be more obvious for me to say “Jackie stimmed and flapped his hands” but sometimes I say “Jackie pulled on his hair and scratched at his arm” instead. Or it would be more obvious for me to go out of my way to say “Jackie gagged at the taste of the eggs in his mouth and refused to eat anymore” but instead I say “Chase remembered to get peanut butter. Jackie always buys them peanut butter.”

if I may? maybe you could look at some of these and see if you like my ideas for how I could emphasize or better represent this? but at the same time I don’t want to be so upfront about it that I reduce Jackie only to his symptomology or make him a caricature,.

Jackie’s comfort object is his sweatshirt (see the section where he refused to take it off even though it might help him evade the cops and the fact that he constantly wears one and rubs at the fabric)

maybe I could give him more comfort objects?

Jackie stims (often pulling at his hair or chewing on his nails and aching for a run all the time even when he’s not allowed outside)

maybe I could use the word stim more often instead of just saying “Jackie gnawed on his nails”?

Jackie has anxiety about his ability to interact with others, acknowledging that he’s often awkward and misses social cues (see his fear in the very first chapter that the new twin Anti has given him won’t like him, see his fear that Max won’t like him now), and is known to be a bad liar, also associated with autism

maybe this can come up more once Jackie meets more people outside of his family?

Jackie’s hyperfixation is Max right now (see his complaints that he constantly thinks about him, genuinely unable to get him out of his head and often going “distant” because he’s daydreaming)

maybe I can acknowledge some other interests of Jackie’s?

Jackie admits he doesn’t understand poetry (struggles with non-literal language) and tries to send Marvin a happy poem, but actually sends him a fairly sad one.

If I have the chance, I will acknowledge that Jackie struggles with non-literary language at some point.

Jackie obsesses over small things he’s done wrong because of his rejection-sensitive dysphoria (associated with autism)

Jackie is overwhelmed not only by sensory issues, but by too much going on in his head (see Dark making him experience intense emotions, causing a meltdown)

Jackie has problems with his temper and has been physically violent with the others because he finds it difficult to control his emotions sometime

maybe I can have Jackie losing control more often?

Jackie has shutdowns as well as meltdowns (see the part of chapter two where he’s chained to the bed and super emotionally drained and quiet)

maybe I can represent his shutdowns more clearly at some point?

Jackie is clingy and was the one who lead their family to become very physically affectionate - the amount to which Jackie touches people would not be appropriate with strangers, but he struggles to find the difference

Jackie will meet others at some point, I expect, which is when this might be a problem. Max didn’t mind his touchiness lol

Jackie uses certain things as scripts, repeating things he’s heard others say (this meshes with my writing style, but Jackie often repeats things the others have said to him verbatim or copies speech styles, like becoming much more talkative when Max was around)

maybe I can emphasize this more and have him doing some verbal stimming?

Jackie has a high need for stimuli and movement and hates being stuck in the house or chained up. Jackie is VERY neat and hates to have his things moved (see his room in the past and how he misses having clean clothes and things of his own)

maybe I can address this more when Jackie has a chance to own his own things again?

If there’s other things I can make stand out more, I’d love to, but I’m sure you know that autism markers are a sundae bar and everybody gets slightly different ones! Jackie does not have phobias associated with his ASD, though he does have some that have developed alongside his PTSD.

also, if you ever want to hear more about Jackie’s ASD, just ask him! it’s an ask blog for a reason :) some things that haven’t come up but that I do consider canon include:

Jackie is actually a picky eater, but he rarely gets to pick what he eats :( he hates eggs but loves peanut butter!

Jackie wishes everyone would stop changing beds every night lately. he actually likes it when it’s him and Blue in one room, Dok and Trick in another, and Dap and Anti in another. neat and tidy and no one’s in his space!!

Jackie used to hyperfixate on the criminal cases he and Max were investigating, Spider-man, martial arts, and crime statistics.

Jackie’s a talented hacker because he loves how objective and formulaic everything is and how he can just focus on one things for hours... and hours... and hours... lol

Jackie honestly goes through a ton of emotional distress and is, like, constantly a nervous wreck. This was a pretty big theme of Chapter One, but Blue’s helped to alleviate it a little.

IF Jackie gets away from Anti, I do plan to talk more about him finding ways to cope with his need for structure and organization and routine, his struggles with the newfound freedom, and him learning how to actually manage his symptoms instead of just constantly suffering because he sometimes thinks he’s just being a wimp and Anti has never gone out of his way to acknowledge or plan around Jackie’s difficulties.

are there particular things you’d like to see me acknowledge? is there more I can do? I won’t just add random markers to Jackie just to make it more obvious that he’s autistic, but if there are more sensitive ways I can handle his specific symptomology and struggles, let me know. or let him know!! he’ll talk about it! and I will too as the situations arise - things like Jackie meeting new people outside of his family for the first time in a long time, Jackie being allowed to have freedom and hobbies for the first time in a long time, and Jackie having more pressure put on him by him taking leadership of his family.

[lovable-just-as-we-are]

I am posting this for a couple of reasons. I will say that I appreciate my friends...even those who do not understand what I am about to say. If this is something you find helpful, feel free to share it.

I have Bipolar Disorder, type 2. This blog is dedicated to mental health awareness. I have other blogs here, but a dedicated blog was needed for this topic.

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First, there is a general lack of understanding on the part of many people when it comes to mental health issues.

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Second, people make assumptions about others based on their own experiences and may lack the insight and ability to step into another person's shoes because they can only use their own experience as a reference.

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Today. After I made a post, a very sweet and well meaning friend responded in a way that I am very accustomed to and have encountered throughout my life.

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The fact that Ive encountered it in the past makes it no less frustrating. So here we go.

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CLINICAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ARE NOT A CHOICE.

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No offense to anyone who is well meaning, but I will now explain as respectfully as possible something that many of you likely do not understand from personal experience. However, some WILL.

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I appreciate those who are well meaning, because it shows care and concern. But "get happy" or "snap out of it" suggestions are actually HARMFUL to a depressed person. It is the lack of understanding that often pushes a depressed person DEEPER into their depression. Would you like to have it inferred that you are inherently flawed and mentally weak?

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Those who offer the " get happy" suggestion do not understand the dynamic or experience of clinical depression.

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I was given this diagnosis at 21 years of age. It is cyclical ( generally the onset is in the fall and it lasts through winter. There are treatments but it is not curable. Throughout history many highly intelligent, talented individuals have suffered. Van Gogh, Shelley, Poe, Cobain...just to name a few.

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I am typically a happy, fun person who loves to laugh and spread that to those around me, but when the monster raises it's ugly head it is a tough battle and a process to work through.

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One does not CHOOSE to be depressed. If they could, don't you think someone would CHOOSE to be happy ALL of the time?

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The "get happy" response is what I am used to....and it is frustrating. But I am not angry about it and in fairness, most do not know all of my history, so they speak based on what they see and from their own experience. Their view of me is limited.

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One can not describe a color to someone born blind or describe the sound of birds singing to someone born deaf. Someone can not explain the feeling or the struggles associated with clinical depression to someone with no reference and /or insight into the disease. YES...DISEASE.

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Can a diabetic cure their pancrease through WILL? Does a schizophrenic CHOOSE to be I'll? The answers are obvious. Mental health issues are a direct result of physiological processes in the brain. The brain does not function normally. It does not mean you are weak, lazy, selfish or self centered.

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One thing for future reference that I hope one might understand...not for ME but for others they may encounter in their personal lives; depression as a clinical condition and is NOT a choice, SO BE KIND.

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It has been studied and continues to be. It is proven through MRI studies of the brain that the brain of a depressed person does not function in a typical fashion.

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Add to this the strong evidence of family history of depression and it is undeniable. It is genetic.

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To minimize the impact that the condition has on a suffering individual is nothing less than ignorant (and sometimes even CRUEL).

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This hereditary condition has cost me family members and friends.

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I will not be simply a statistic, I instead will be a voice and advocate for my brothers and sisters who are HURTING.

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I am not ashamed of who I am or that I have this condition any more than one might be ashamed to have diabetes.

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I will not pretend to be someone else for the sake of making other people happy, and when I am suffering I will seek out support from those who I KNOW understand. I will also try to educate those who lack understanding.

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I do not always fully disclose why I am struggling in my life for the very reason that I do not wish to be judged.

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I am done now. My entire point was that mental illnesses are not conscious choices. Therefore, if someone you know is exhibiting signs of unrelenting depression in your life, please do NOT minimize it. You might save their life by LISTENING and/or offering to get them help or support.

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How about a statement like this:

"I am sorry that you are suffering, is there anything I can do to help?" INSTEAD of "snap put of it."

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Try saying this:

"I do not understand what you feel, but I am here and I will TRY to."

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This was not aimed at anyone although a well meaning response to a post today made me again think about this.

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It is not that person's fault because they do not know my history.

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I am a fighter and a survivor and will continue to be. I WILL also attempt to impart knowledge to those who lack understanding.

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If you got to this part, thanks for reading. ♡ IF this got through to even ONE person, it was worth my sore thumbs. Lol

[hauntedexpertcrusade]

How video ads transformed my E-commerce business

Introduction

Dropshipping is a very viable and effective business model these days that is catering to millions of dropshippers and Shopify store owners around the world. What makes it so great is the convenience it has, all you need to do is to gather a suitable amount of investment, a trusted supplier, know how to get your product to the public, and really understand the mechanics of a solid and successful dropshipping store, it really doesn’t matter where you are, you can do e-commerce from anywhere around the world. However, to many people, it seems that just placing products on your store and doing good on-page SEO with a few tweaks is going to land them clients and that’s far from the truth. Even if you’re invested in amazon’s FBA program which is another alternative for dropshipping, you might think that amazon’s vast and large marketplace is going to greatly influence your sales, that is very much possible but taking extra steps to build your brand integrity and reputation as an e-commerce seller will greatly safeguard your future as a brand or business and help you land more clients than none.

Importance of video content on Facebook

Studies have shown that more than 4 billion people watch Facebook videos every day whether that's scrolling past them or actually engaging with them and we all can agree including me that video content consumption on Facebook is unanimous.

As a dropshipper, you and I need to understand how we can harness this facebook power and actually convert it into meaningful engagement that will lead to buyers reaching out to us and eventually buying products off of our Shopify or any e-commerce store.

Understanding the buyer psyche

Let's now focus on why people trust video demonstrations of products more than just an image. The reason for that is it removes any doubts, loopholes, or any false sense of a thought that they might have regarding your business. When you run ads for your Shopify business or any e-commerce store by putting out ads that are video-based which actually show what your product can do is more than helpful for a potential customer to understand the product and what they can expect to get and it immediately registers in their mind.

Let's consider this watch product you see on the diagram as an example. If you were to just post an image as an ad with little information and slapping your branding on it you wouldn’t get a ton of engagement and your CPC(cost per click) would be higher but on the other hand what I noticed was substantial and my cost per click using a video was significantly less compared to that when I used an image. What I noticed was that the CPC was 1.5 with 8000 impressions using an image as my Facebook ad creative but when I placed a video I got almost the same amount of impressions but the CPC was considerably lower at 0.47, so you all can see how effective it really is.

WHY USE SHORT VIDEO ADS FOR YOUR E-COMMERCE OR DROPSHIPPING BUSINESS?

Source branding has this valuable article on why you should use short video ads for your business and you can check it out here. But let me give you my end of the piece, when you say ’’Short” video ads, that means no more than 2 minutes and no less than 1 minute. This gives the end-user the perfect amount of time to spend on your ads because let's face it, people won't spend 10 minutes watching a video of your product, they are in a hurry and they need information fast and accurate. If you are short on skills or resources you need in producing video content, you can always hire someone to create an engaging video ad for you and that's what i did too because I rarely have the time and experts in this field can help you get a professional end product. I highly recommend this service if you want to get your job done in no time and I can speak for myself that it does help significantly and forging extra cash to invest in something that will produce better results for your business is definitely worth it.

Running targeted video ads on Google or Facebook

One of the most effective strategies to boost your online dropshipping store sales is to immediately start putting out quality targeted ads on platforms such as Google, Instagram, or Facebook. The idea here is to cleverly target people with a very similar interest in your product and its useful to take a look at audience insights or demographics inside for e.g in Facebook, by typing the interest that’s very specific to your niche or product, and then you can find pages that you can target and from their keep on adding into the list you want to target and you can pretty much do a similar action when you head inside the campaigns in Facebook and can also cleverly use the suggestion for targeting to send out to that audience. Once you understand how detail targeting works you can add your video ad and expect to see many improvements that will allow traffic to come into your site. If you want to understand more about Facebook ads targeting you should check out a piece by BigCommerce that goes over it in more detail and will help you understand the basics and tricks you can implement in Facebook ads manager.

Advantage of short video ads on smartphones

Another study has clearly shown that more than 60% of users are watching short videos on their smartphones whether that's on platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, or youtube and that presents a wide opportunity for my fellow dropshippers out there to capitalize upon. People are watching such videos insanely quickly and scrolling past tons of others at a fast pace as well so taking advantage of such a metric is necessary to bring large amounts of traffic to your website so it can translate into sales. Another thing you can do is choose a video ad that's much more engaging and less obvious in terms of looking like an infomercial because people on social sites like Facebook or Instagram are not out there looking to buy your product or even searching for one, so its your job to lure them in through an engaging ad so that they end up hitting the Add to cart button.

Additional Tips and tricks

Make sure your short video ad has subtitles.

Always prefer to include background music.

Make it between 1 and 2 minutes long in duration.

Make the video helpful in understanding how your product can benefit your client.

Conclusion

Lastly, I would conclude by recollecting all of my thoughts and urging all you dropshippers out there to take advantage of video to transform your business because I've seen many a times dropshippers or online marketers neglect and ignore using video to market and advertise their business and they are missing out on a lot here. Statistics don't lie, my experience doesn't lie and i’m hopeful that by implementing the strategies I’ve told you here, you will most certainly see positive results in your dropshipping business.