#because like. the first idea states in the first paragraph isn’t really applicable to abusers and stuff

[oasis-of-you]

so i saw this person talking about we hate or dislike people because they’re a mirror of the bad traits we’re insecure about and we don’t want to show the world. and sometimes that’s very true and we can all work on that and it’s a helpful thing to know.

but sometimes we hate people just because they’re downright abusive and manipulative and disgusting and that’s just that.

you may dislike someone because they possess your worst traits. you may also dislike people just because they’re literally just a bad person.

[ive-been-reminding-you]

OoC: The Big, Long Post of Where the Hell I’ve Been

Before I begin, I want to apologize for just disappearing. I’ve had some contact with a couple of people here and there within these past months, but not as much as typical when I’m active.

This post is to just tell you all where I’ve been and what’s been going on with me. I’ve told a couple of people a couple of things here and there, but I never really got too deep into it.

I’m going to keep most of this under a Keep Reading for a couple of reasons. The first reason is because, as the title suggests, this is going to be really long. The second is because of some of the really heavy things I’m going to be talking about, and I think it’s best if you read at your own discretion rather than have me splash this across your dashboards without any warning. So, please, see the tags before reading.

OK. Here we go...

Back in March, I got sick. I have no idea what I had, but I just know that I was sick and that it lingered for a considerable length of time. 

I had had four or five shifts in a row, and I had one more to go before I was to have a couple of days off. The morning of that last shift, I woke up with a scratchy throat. I didn’t really think much of it because I typically feel like I’m sick when I first wake up (one of the problems that comes with my insomnia). However, a couple of hours later, as I was getting ready to head into work, I still had the scratchy throat. In addition, I had begun to have a really intense headache.

That’s when I got a group text from my boss telling us to stay home if we had a cough or sore throat. I sent him a direct text and told him what was going on and we agreed it would be best for me to stay home.

The scratchy throat, which later evolved to include a cough, lasted for nearly two months. The headache also lasted that long. And when I say that, I mean that every single day for two months, I had a bad headache that never went away and only fluctuated slightly in how severe it was for that day.

Neither my boss, nor the other managers, were taking me seriously. That first week I was home, I was trying to rest and every single day, I was getting texts with questions like, “Hey, you’ll be in for your next shift, right?” or, “Why don’t you just go get tested? Easiest thing in the world!”

No matter how many times I explained my situation — medical professionals told me not to come in for a test because supplies were scarce and they were only testing people with emergency symptoms. In addition, I was told, “If you come here and you have the virus, you’ll be putting other people at risk. If you don’t have it, and you come here, you risk exposing yourself to it. You just need to stay home and monitor your symptoms until they either get severe or until your cough and sore throat go away.” Also, mind you, I use public transportation, which people were especially advised not to use if you were feeling sick to keep the virus from spreading, so... How exactly did they want me to get to a testing facility? — they always acted like I just didn’t want to get tested. My friend that helped get me the job kept sending me articles about new testing sites and kept arguing with me about it. He also kept telling me that I should get tested so that I could be cleared to come back to work if I didn’t have it. At this point, I was feeling like a broken record, and I had told him loads of times that even if I didn’t have the virus, I still felt like shit and there was no way I’d be able to stand all day, anyway.

Finally, after weeks of this back-and-forth, my boss told me to contact HR. They put me on a retroactive leave of absence. However, it still has not been approved and it will most likely get denied, which means that I will not be paid for the time I was out of work. And I only just went back to work two weeks ago.

In addition to being out so long, my hours have been severely cut. I worked two days the first week I was back. Then this past week, I had no hours at all. This week, I only work four hours on Saturday. It’s hard for me not to feel like this is intentional, considering the fact that I wasn’t taken seriously the whole time I was sick and they were acting like I was just being dramatic or needlessly cautious (also, apparently I work with a bunch of medical experts because even when I was telling them information I got from the CDC, they were still telling me that that wasn’t right 🙄). My first day back, one of the managers asked me how I was doing, and asked me what I had been feeling. When I mentioned the severe headache that wouldn’t go away, he chuckled and went, “That’s not even a symptom of the virus!” And he very clearly didn’t believe me when I explained to him that it is, in fact, a symptom that many people who were confirmed to have had it had reported. Just because it’s not one of the more common symptoms doesn’t mean it’s not a symptom.

I am now drowning in debt from being out of work so long, in addition to not receiving any hours. Our rent was still being collected this whole time, and I had to pay April and May’s rent together in one go because I was still quarantined in April and couldn’t make it to my bank. This almost completely wiped out my funds. My gas company isn’t charging late fees, but they have still been charging regularly every month and I don’t even know how much I owe them at this point because I can’t pay it, anyway, so I stopped looking. Last I checked, it was over $300. I’m assuming that it’s closer to $600 now. My internet is going to most likely be shut off at the end of the month. There have been days where I was afraid to go buy groceries because of how low my funds are. I have had to accept help from many people, a couple of them were almost complete strangers who came out of nowhere and helped me out significantly.

The stress is getting to me terribly. I have spent so many days these past months living in a fog where nothing feels real anymore. I think I’m shedding hair more than usual, and every time I wash my hair, there are clumps left in the shower. My insomnia is magnified, and now with the heat of it being summer, that’s just going to get worse because my room gets substantially hot. And because of my financial situation, I’m trying to run the air conditioner as little as possible and only run my fans. My appetite has been affected and I often just eat once a day with maybe a little snack here or there.

Things got so bad for me psychologically that I reached out to my Employee Help Line, provided to people who work for the company I work for. I tend not to call numbers like that because of bad experiences in the past, but I needed to talk to someone. There was back and forth between myself and several counselors for two or three weeks, and they tried to get me an appointment with a therapist over the phone. 

The Employee Help Line counselors were all wonderful people. The therapists I tried to schedule appointments with? Not so much. The first one canceled on me by email just an hour before my session was supposed to begin. The second one also canceled on me by email the night before my session. 

The third one was a truly mystifying experience. So much so that she gets her own paragraph. Not only did our session only last about thirty minutes (instead of the forty-five to fifty minutes that it should have been), but she gave me such advice as, “Just don’t worry so much.” And her entire tone made me feel like I couldn’t speak to her because I felt the need to justify everything I was feeling or explain myself. Then it took an even more bizarre turn when I Googled her to see her hours of operation (I felt so uncomfortable with her that I wanted to call and leave a message to cancel our next appointment instead of talking to her directly) and found a website, full of evidence, that she was an animal abuser and that she had been investigated for insurance fraud for charging patients for sessions that never happened or double-billing them. I also found a website of reviews and there were so many that talked about how unprofessional she was (smoking in a closed office during sessions, inviting patients to stay the night at her place, charging someone for two months worth of sessions that never took place because they canceled after just seeing her once). And she told me she was mailing me paperwork which I haven’t received yet that I need to fill out and mail back (with what postage, I wonder, since I can’t afford to buy a book of stamps?) instead of letting me do that electronically.

After that whole experience with those three therapists, I decided to stop trying to get into therapy for now. And, for the record, this is exactly why I’m afraid to go back to therapy because my bad experiences far outweigh the good ones. In this time, too, the Employee Help Line people had been trying to find solutions to my funding problem. Absolutely none of what they found was good for me. I either didn’t qualify, or they weren’t accepting new applicants, or some other thing kept me from being able to use whichever service.

And there’s one more thing... I’ve been alone this entire time. My brother, whom I live with, went to visit a friend of his before things got bad. He was only supposed to be gone for the weekend, but then I got sick the day before he was going to come back home. And then his friend’s state went into lockdown before I started to feel any better. So he has been stuck there, and I’ve been living alone and dealing with all of this alone this whole time. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who are checking in on me and who are trying to help me however they can — and my brother and I have been in contact as much as possible — but it’s not the same as having someone physically present. I’m the very definition of an introvert, so it doesn’t usually bother me, but there have been times where I greatly needed someone physically here for me and nobody was able.

And that’s why I’ve been gone for so long. I’ve probably even forgotten some stuff, or just haven’t added stuff (like how I have to hand wash all my laundry now because I don’t have a washer or dryer and it isn’t safe to use the laundromat anymore for the time being) because everything has been a tremendous mess and this is already a monster of a post. I’m still not 100% sure when I’ll be back, but I’m definitely coming back. Until then, I’m going to try to be around more often for DMs at least. I love you all and I hope you’re all OK. ⚔️ Spike ⚔️

P.S. If you’ve read to the end of this, thank you for doing so lol. You have a much greater attention span than I do xD. P.P.S. I posted this and then took it down for a second because I realized that I forgot to add tags and this post really, really needs to have tags.

[lightoverturesystem]

This song has great meaning to me through symbolism. When I was younger, I would have frequent nightmares of being a male soldier in a war, scrambling out of the way of bombs, having a near death experience. It reoccurred a few ways, but always left me very shaken when I woke up. Being impressionable and still finding my way in faith, I thought this was some way God was telling me I should be in the military. What it really was, is probably how I've always felt akin to soldiers, having no other representation to relate to about my trauma. I've always felt like my life was a war. I believe I also have a repressed military and or solider alter, somewhere, because of this. That's what initially had me listening to it, on repeat. Though this song is originally about humanity and war, for now, I will go in depth about this song and how I relate to the lyrics to this beautiful song as a system. "We laid our names to rest Along the dotted line We left our date of birth And our history behind" This first stanza of lyrics speaks of losing all sense of identity in general as they become one in a sea of many, possibly being condemned to death. To me, this is losing all sense of identity as the first split happened, otherwise to be condemned to death. "We were full of life We could barely hold it in We were amateurs at war Strangers to suffering" These lyrics put emphasis on how young and inexperienced the soldiers were, how ignorant they were in what they were doing, splitting. For me, it put emphasis on how young and inexperienced we were when the split happened, how we had no idea of the grand scale of suffering to come in the next two decades. "We made our families proud But scared at the same time We promised we’d be safe Another lie from the front lines" This stanza has dual meaning for me, how I made my literal family proud at a cost, to split to be someone I wasn't to please them. All the while I'm lying through all my self destruction that I'll be fine, I'll be okay, I'll be safe. But moreso means how I made my fellow systems, and the ones who actually love me, my families, proud, but scared, for taking the journey into recovery and taking those first steps, signing up to what I knew would be hell between myself and myself. I had let a lot of those I loved in my life when I entered recovery that this may not be easy, that this could be life changing and difficult for me. That I could relapse, that I could not be myself entirely. "Our backs against the wall We’re surrounded and afraid Our lives now in the hands Of the soldiers taking aim" This describes the fight between my alters and I have had all through my life and now with my recovery, how they only thought they were doing what was right, just like many soldiers. One example, Alice for instance, when she abused pills thinking it would help us stay in control more than it would hurt us. That the risk would be the reward. "Firefighters," as I learned in therapy, as they are called, often times try to fight the feelings of system littles and their flooding, usually in impulsive and seemingly self destructive ways, even though they usually do have the systems best interest at heart. "Our questions ricochet Like broken satellites How our bodies, born to heal Become so prone to die?" I love love love how this is applicable to the previous paragraph and DID coping as much as it is actual war, how the body thinks this is what is best for it, for the greater cause. Its a question Ive pondered many times myself about myself, war, mental illness, suicide, and just humanity in general. Like with humanity's denial of climate change, as one example. To me, this paragraph is symbolic how a coping mechanism like DID turns negative once you have survived the trauma impacting you, and the dissociation can become more a hindrance than a help. How the body splits to survive, but at the same time, some of us have alters that can want to end the bodys life for many reasons. "Though time is ruthless It showed us kindness in the end By slowing down enough A second chance to make amends As life replayed, we heard a voice proclaim "Lay your weapons down! They’re calling off the war On account of losing track Of what we’re fighting for" This stanza I always see as though time was ruthless to me for a long time, I am finally bein delivered kindness, as myself in the epiphany moment I had realizing again both with Lance as I realized he's here to help me, not hurt me, and then again with Morgue and the moment my attitude started to change. I had repressed learning this with Lance the first time, brushing it off as denial, that he must have been a product of a trans thing, not that he was a male alter trying to help me uncover repressed masculinity. It was me having a crucial truce with myself that would change my life forever. I can see all my alters putting down their weapons at one another with open eyes, realizing we are all here for the same reason, we lost track what we were here for in the first place. This is me calling off the war as I entered recovery and stopped hating all my alters so much despite being so scared, the epiphany moment of choosing to start to love them instead. "So we found our way back home Let our cuts and bruises heal While a brand new war began One that no one else could feel" This was me when I finally put ten years of denial behind me upon first questioning if I had DID, and made the call to enter therapy; the battle of surviving constant fresh trauma was over, but a new one began in the therapy chair, in my own mind. This is my alters all slowly showing themselves to me and coming to my conscious state, coming "home." "Our nights have grown so long Now we beg for sound advice," Me finally admitting how tough this has been, and seeming help for it. 'Let the brokenness be felt 'Til you reach the other side There is goodness in the heart Of every broken man Who comes right up to the edge Of losing everything he has'" A therapeutic practice in DID recovery is usually to have all your alters come forward, get to know them. That while it seems bad finding more of them, you have to fully recognize how dissociated you are before you can have them all integrate, if that is what you choose. I compare the word "broken" to how I felt not knowing I had alters, feeling so lost and one dimensional almost. Undecided to who I was. And while I still struggle with that sometimes, now that I know my alters more, I feel more whole and fuller than I ever have. That "brokenness," is in reference to the pain Ive carried of all my trauma I have compartmentalized, unable to feel it so I could survive. Ive got to feel it and work through it to get to the other side that is healing. This stanza is a reminder that there is goodness inside of all of us that were forced to do things they didn't want to in order to survive. There is goodness in every one of us that has alters that do things the core isn't happy with in order to survive. (For the record, I think comparing people who don't choose integration to broken people is very problematic, and inaccurate.) "We were young enough to sign Along the dotted line Now we’re young enough to try To build a better life" This last stanza has a very powerful ending to it, bringing everything full circle. How we were young enough to split, but its never too late to built a better life for not only myself instead of more trauma, but also within my own identity. To choose to love than hate them. Ironically, I'm at this stage of my life when I first heard the song. I heard it before I went on my trip to see my lover, and it resonated with me for a reason I couldn't figure out. Through the whole song I had very vivid imagery that kept me coming back to listen to it; there was a pulling there until I had a realization on the way home. It was the middle of the night and I sat on a pitch black bus with only moonlight to guide me. As we passed by the buildings of Virginia tech, I started to cry. This song sang my life.