#been having a ton of thoughts about it lately moreso than usual for some reason

[nico-the-overlord]

It’s not that I absolutely hate being human, being a person.

I love having hands/thumbs, using technology like phones, cooking and baking, being able to throw stuff so well, standing and running on two legs, drawing and writing and ect ect but.

Gosh.

I so badly want to be a shapeshifter and shake it up a bit become other creatures see how it’s like for them. Fully or partially, shapeshifting back and forth. Maybe even become mythical ones. Please? It would be fun and I totally won’t abuse the hell out of such an abilityyy

[fumikomiyasaki]

💟 wildcards for my lil' friends :-3 Carol, Peko, and April!

Peer into my muse memories

-this memory has been recorded as the last meeting Carol had with her sister before coming to Twisted wonderland

It was for once that Carol sat down with her sister Megan again... its been ages since Megan moved out and she meet her again... the only things she often got was one message on the birthday or Christmas... Megan noticed how her sister was upset about this...

"Carol I... am sorry about this... I wish I could have done this sooner and invited you but.... my job keeps me very busy..."

"I know Sis.... but I could have needed at least some calls... or anything..."

"Then lets talk now, Is there something on your mind...."

Her shoulders went stiff as if shaken... trying to explain what she is feeling.

"I... am afraid to end up alone in the end... my only friend since all this time in school is Eve... aside that despite me helping many people and tutoring them... nobody really stuck around as a friend... and... I feel if Eve ever gets upset with me that I will stay alone.... High school is near and I got accepted in such a prestigous school but... I am afraid this only drives the distance between me and them even more... I am just a tutor... in a school of many talented people... and..."

Megan noticed her sister was distressed...

"Carol... to me you are the most kindhearted-caring and especially a person that cares usually more about others than herself... people who can't appreciate that are just not worth it... I am sure if you treat people with kindness and politness like you usually do... it will be fine..."

"This is not the only worry I have.... or moreso a thought...I am just worried I seem odd to people... I do wish to be one day as happy as you and your husband but... I feel like guys don’t even see me... sometimes I wish it was like one of my books and someone would show up and sweep me away out of my tower of insecurities that I am trapped in but...”

“Things aren’t that simple... sometimes you have to take the initiative to get the attention of someone you like... I also had to confess to my husband myself... but I am sure that things will change. In middle school people have different objectives but in High school... is often the time people fall in love with each other...”

“Sometimes I just wish... school would give me more time... to meet more people... to help as many as I can and maybe find some new friends.”

Megan kept her hand on her sisters head as if encouraging her.

“Carol... I know you can do it... high school is a wonderfull time and I would say go in as you are with a clear head and just enjoy it... I know I haven’t been the best sister for you but... know that I will lend you my energy from here. I will be with you even if you are far away.”

“Sister.... thank you...”

The insecurities still didn’t vanish but... Carol soon found herself to get this wish lightly granted... with a new opportunity.

-this memory has been recorded as Macie and Pekos first Problem

It was crowded in school... Peko found herself surrounded by people, smiling at all the compliments and praise she got... after all her first song got out making her career soring... however she did notice although she considered Macie a friend of hers that she got more distant lately... and soon she would notice the reason why....

A week after her career went soaring tons of different people often offered her flowers, chocolates which she all accepted however one boy went as far to ask her if her could talk to her after classes... she did accept to listen to him...

“Peko um.... I... I love you!!”

“Huh?! Love?”

“Yes umm... would you like to be my girlfriend?”

She stayed silent mainly cause... she didn’t know what to say... mainly that she didn’t know how to reject him the easiest... she disliked trouble or a pain... and so she left the scene... without an answer or anything...

After this she got stopped by Macie who looked at her with much more mad eyes...

“Why... why are you taking everything that was mine?”

“Macie? What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play innocent... first my friends ignore me cause they want to be friends with you, then you win the audition I wanted to win and then the boy I fell for confesses to you.... how am I able to call you a friend anymore when you only bring me misery... “

“I can’t help that people like me... but I never did intend...”

“Shut up... I had enough.... I will show you that one day I will be better than you in any way.... a better idol... a better partner and a better friend.... I will get my revenge....”

She left Peko not even able to explained herself... what she didn’t get was that Peko barely understood any of this situation... usually her whole life people liked her... so why did she feel bad? Why did she feel guilty?.

“Maybe... I should just get some Ice cream.”

-this memory has been recorded as Aprils first scheme

After the siblings managed to run away from their parents and Lydia gave them a way out of their situation... however things were hard to make money so both the siblings could stand on their own and although Lydia supported them a little it was not by much... and so this was where April had her first idea... to use the experience of secretly watching the casinos of their homeland and scam people out of money... it worked for a while untill eventually someone caught on...

“Fine you may have seen my trick but... how about I show you another one to make up for it.”

As she got chased by the other people she swiftly threw a deck of cards in the air and vanished shortly... at least enough to make her escape and find her brother.

“Sorry bro... guess this town also doesn’t do us well.”

“Its fine, you tried sis... I have find a place of interest to us...It seemed to be a place where people make it big... also known as the boulevard of shine... although we do not belong to the high crowd... maybe we will be able to sneak our way in.”

“Well we do enjoy the spotlight right? Lets at least try it... like we have a home to speak off at this point anyways...”

[gemstoneslesbian]

I love you Matt hcs so much! So much inspiration for mine too!

Have you got any post-cannon hcs? (Maybe angst/Whump one? But that’s not so important I would love to hear any ^^)

Thank you sm!! :D

All right SO, my main niche in the fandom is fleshing out the Ace Attorney prison, examining the relationships between all the characters there, fleshing everyone out, considering their character arcs, etc. It’s definitely something I put a lot of thought into and get excited about ^^

I imagine there being three main prisons:

Prison A

The canon prison shown in Ace Attorney Investigations: 2. Prisoners are allowed one animal companion, there’s a supplier with influence over the warden (and, imo, the guards as well), it’s overall a prison that can be interpreted as more relaxed--with limited corruption, due to the fact that, in my opinion at least, Sirhan Dogen wouldn’t put up with much BS. Although he can’t control everything, Dogen has a decent amount of power that he uses to make his prison livable.

Prison B

This is the opposite of Prison A. Damon Gant is in charge, but in a different kind of way; after being Chief of Police for so long, he still has a lot of power and connections, and many officers hold respect and / or fear towards him. The prison is a hierarchy of power and control with a lot of corruption, and anyone who doesn’t work for Gant is in danger.

Prison C

The women’s prison. Dee Vasquez has the upper hand here, due to her outside connections with the mafia. She handles things in a more manipulative, underhanded kind of way--isn’t so much focused on the prison at large, but moreso on securing her own matters. She uses protection or exploitation sparingly, and when she does, she deflects attention off of it as much as possible. While the prison isn’t as horrible as Prison B, it’s not as safe as Prison A.

Now that the environment has been established, time to get into the details about Matt:

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Matt Engarde went to Prison A.

In Ace Attorney, fame and riches seem to make little difference when it comes to putting someone behind bars. However, the game does show that it can add complications, and affect things to a certain level. With that said, here’s how I imagine things went over with the arrest:

Things are a whirlwind of chaos and fear and pain at first, but it doesn’t take him long to get a deal set up with the prison. Sometime within the first week of his imprisonment. Thankfully, this is done quickly enough that his assets haven’t been transferred to his parents, yet.

His sentence is 10 years. No death penalty or life sentence, because the deal is that, for each year that Matt Engarde is alive and healthy, the prison receives $500,000. This would give them ample reason to take measures to protect him from De Killer.

Matt doesn’t have an endless amount of money, and he also doesn’t want to be stuck there forever. In his mind, hopefully De Killer would be behind bars or dead by the end of those 10 years, and if not... well, he’ll figure it out when he gets there.

He’s given the cell down the hall from Sirhan Dogen, the infamous assassin. This scares the HELL out of Matt at first, but the guards assure him that it’s for his own safety:

However, since he’s placed in this cell before the deal is made, there was an ulterior motive as well. Due to the fact that Shelly De Killer is another infamous assassin, Warden Roland considered it a possibility that he’s one of Dogen’s outside contacts. If Dogen were to rat out Matt’s location to him, the prison would be prepared to capture and arrest De Killer, and it would be confirmed that they had been contacts.

Obviously, Dogen could rat him out no matter which cell he’s in, but it’s more convenient to place Matt there as bait since the hallway is monitored so heavily--they’ll be prepared to restrain both De Killer and Dogen if/when that time comes.

If the deal were made beforehand, he likely would have been sent to Prison B; even though it’s a harsher atmosphere, no one in there is presumed to be a contact of De Killer’s. While he could have been transferred at this point, it’s decided that they’ll stick to their regular plan, just with added precautions and safety measures.

Matt, although suspicious, never has any sort of confirmation that he’s being used as bait--at least, not until years later.

BUT ANYHOW.

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Interactions and Reputation

I get into it a bit in this fic*, but the gist is this:

There’s no point in continuing to act charming when everyone knows it’s BS, and any chance of Toughness or Good Standing he could have had are kinda... shattered by his frequent (very loud) panic attacks late at night.

For the first year, he doesn’t bother trying to make friends. He doesn’t care about them, they won’t care about him, and he’s not interested in playing a tug-of-war with power dynamics when he knows he won’t always necessarily come out on top. So he’s kind of a loner here. Occasionally entertains himself by picking fights.

*(Spoiler warning for AAI2 in the fic I linked!!)

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Character Arc

From this point, I can see it going in several different directions. I have two different fic AUs where things turn out differently in each one, and I also have an extensive role-play I did with a friend of mine. In terms of imagining his “canon” life and his future, I definitely learn towards the events that transpired in the role-play, so I’ll focus on those.

(My friend and I made a post analyzing his personality and character arc, so most of the things I’ll mention here have been mentioned in this post in greater detail. HOWEVER the post is EXTREMELY long and also contains major spoilers for AAI2. So if you want to avoid spoilers and also want a summed up version, feel completely free to just read the summary below!) (oh also, with relation to the post I just linked, tw for?? a variety of common triggers)

I should mention that this might not be COMPLETELY spoiler-free, but I do avoid saying the spoilery name. It’s hard for me to accurately gauge what is and isn’t revealing, since I already know all the spoilers haha.

And, without further ado:

-Everything about his world has been turned upside-down. Instead of being adored, he’s despised. Instead of being the one with power, he’s the one under the thumb of others. Instead of a life of comfort and privilege, he’s confined to small, uncomfortable areas, and is barely paid anything for his labor. Additionally, he could be killed at any moment at any hour at any location--and this is something he’s forced to endure for years on end. The entire situation is incredibly stressful and traumatic for him.

-About a year after his arrest, a guy moves into his cell with him. Things align in just the right way that a friendship of some sort is formed between them: the guy is friendly, pretty, relatable, into some of the same hobbies he’s into, and he has power within the prison walls. It’s beneficial to form a friendship with him... and the guy isn’t annoyed with him for his (now much less-frequent) panic attacks, but rather, shows sympathy.

-Neither of them particularly trust one another, but they enjoy each other’s company.

-Humans need comfort, and Matt is no exception. Under the intense trauma and stress he’s enduring, it’s all too easy to form some sort of bond with the nice guy who dances with him and pets his hair and holds him.

-It’s important to mention that Matt is rendered unable to do his usual power & control shit. And he especially can’t get away with that kind of stuff when his new cellmate shows up. The guy is Very Alert to underhanded behavior (due to his own underhandedness + the fact that he’s dealt with one too many bastards), and is quick to call Matt out on even minor things. So Matt’s options at this point are either:

a.) try his manipulative shit and lose any small amount of power or comfort he may have had, with an added risk of retribution

b.) resist all forms of connection / interaction with other people, and just be miserable and alone and scared all by himself

c.) be friends with the guy WITHOUT being a shady douche, and getting to enjoy the comfort and benefits that provides

-So... YEAH. Long story short, he makes friends with the guy. And, also, lowkey catches feelings for him.

-Matt also makes friends with Simon Blackquill a couple years later (and that has its own backstory)

-His previous ways of moving through the world do not work at all here. In the end, Matt’s main goal is to get what he wants, and to feel good. With the circumstances, he has to completely change his approaches in order to meet that goal.

-Matt may be cold and uncaring towards other people’s emotions, but it’s clear that he does have very intense emotions. He shows much more vulnerability and pain now than he used to, because doing so makes him more sympathetic to his friends--but he also needs to learn to not be as manipulative about it, and to actually consider the other person’s emotions instead of making it all about himself.

-He does ultimately decide to make the overall changes necessary for healthy interpersonal connections, since it’s in his best interest to do so. It’s not easy, and he hits plenty of road bumps along the way. It definitely dredges up a lot of shit, a lot of painful emotions; he’s extremely self-protective, and genuine vulnerability is hard and frightening.

-The tl;dr is that he’s dragged through a healing arc, kicking and screaming the entire way.

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That’s what his life in like in prison, overall! There’s a ton of aspects and details, but I figured it’d be best to cover the basic storyline ^^

I also have thoughts on how things would go after he’s released from prison.

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...OH SHIT I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION THE SHELLY THING LMAO

I’m gonna make a post where I detail out what happens, and then link it here when I finish.

Edit: Here it is!

[symphonic-scream]

Turning Point (150 follower Special)

It's been maybe eight years since they all graduated together. Eight years since they took down the League of Villains. Eight years since since they all stood arm in arm as they left UA campus for the last time as 3A.

Its surreal, to Hitoshi. He may not have been in 1A from the start, but he considers the others his family; almost moreso than his foster parents. He'd met his husband, his best friends, and even his mentor there. And it's been over for eight years.

Of course, they see each other all the time. A month after graduation, they were all dancing and drinking the night away in a hotel ballroom, celebrating the wedding of Katsuki and Eijirou. A few weeks, and Izuku and Shouto. Then Tsuyu and Ochako.

Hitoshi could list them all, but there were so many weddings. He himself had married the love of his life, Mashirao, just less then a year after graduating. It wasn't just weddings. Every three months, they'd host a big dinner and sleepover, and the whole class would (schedules permitting) spend the night with their UA family.

It was one such night. It was going to be the first one since graduation that they'd all be there for the entire night, which made it special. Tenya had even handed planning over to Mina and Tooru, despite being present at their first rager in their third year.

And Hitoshi couldn't wait.

He and Mashirao were a little late, coming from the next city over, but still managed to get in before Momo, Kyouka, Katsuki and Eijirou. It seemed as if the most punctual couples were dead last, which of course led to tons of small jokes once they showed up ten minutes later.

The first portion was a free area, for catching up. Hitoshi found himself engrossed in a conversation with Denki, who was waving his arms wildly as he explained why Hanta was wrong, and he should definitely grow a super rad soul patch.

"It'll be legendary, bro!" The sparkster grinned, showing another picture of some movie star with the facial feature. "I'll look like a model! My fans will go wild!"

Kyouka, who had been sitting and listening in, snorted, lightly digging her fist into his arm. "As if, Pikachu. You'll just look like a pervert."

He whined, turning his full attention on the punk lesbian. "Kyo! No! I'll look hot as hell!"

"Then why is Hanta so against it?" Hitoshi added his two cents. If the man's husband was against it, there had to be a reason.

Denki froze, before stumbling through a rushed response. "He's just jealous cause he knows I'll be the hot one! He knows he'll never let me leave our bed!"

Kyouka's nose scrunched up, making a sound of disgust. "Dude, too much. And I can guarantee it's because he knows you'll look like a pedophile."

Hitoshi snuck away as Denki practically weaped his defense out, as he already knew the result. He'd look like everyone on the sex offender list. He passed by Yuuga, Mina, and Mashirao on his way to the kitchen of their rented beach house, hoping to find a drink, and maybe someone who he hadn't seen in the last few months.

He was successful on both fronts, running into Ochako and Katsuki, who were cracking open beers after their reunion sparring. Both were glimmering with sweat, but had matching grins on their faces.

"Mind Fucker." Katsuki greeted, taking a sip of his alcohol. That was his 'fun' nickname for Hitoshi, and despite being a little harsh, it was far better than 'Dopey', or 'Half-and-half bastard', both of which had survived the tests of time.

"Murder Bitch." He responded in kind, causing the blond to smirk in approval. "So, who won this time?"

Ochako grinned wider, nudging her partner in the ribs. "I got the best of him this time. Katsuki here got distracted, and I knocked him down easily."

Katsuki just grunted in response, running a hand roughly through her once presentable hair. "Yeah, and if I hadn't, it would've been me acting all smug."

The pair laugh, and Hitoshi marvels in how far Katsuki has come. From an angry, arrogant, mean ass hat to this. It was impressive.

"So, Hitoshi." Ochako began, turning the attention of the conversation on him. "How's life been treating you?"

"Pretty well, actually." And it was the truth. "Mashiro and I just made a down payment on a house, and we're thinking of maybe adopting one day."

Katsuki's eyebrows drew inwards, as Ochako gasped. "Oh! Hitoshi, that's so exciting!"

He rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling lightly. "Yeah, we actually started talking because we heard Neijire and Yuuyu announced the birth of their daughter in May."

Their once seniors had gone public about their second child, but had yet to go into further details with the press. As an old friend, Hitoshi knew both children were biological, due to long term successionn planning on Yuuyu's part.

"The same for me and Tsu!" Ochako giggled, holding her hands to her cheeks. "Except, well, we're her godparents, and we thought about having our own!"

Hitoshi smiled, although the look Katsuki was giving them was off-putting. "What about you, K.E.M., have you and Ei talked about having kids?"

Katsuki, sticking to his favourite form of communication, grunted. "None of your damn business."

Huh. Well, that was one way to answer.

Soon, they were all called together for group games, which usually started as Never Have I Ever and ended with drunken screaming. Last year at their April meeting, Fumikage had gotten drunk far too quickly, and watched the rest of the game perched on the fridge, throwing individual Fruit Loops at the group.

Tooru, ever the enthusiastic hostess, had everyone's choice drink ready, even providing Momo with a non-alcoholic fruit juice. Strange. Momo hadn't opted out of alcohol during these games since Kyouka introduced her to the idea of mixing it into fruit juices.

"Never have I ever," Tooru began, curling into her wife's side, a bottle of tequila sitting on the coffee table between their matching glasses. "Cheated on my Significant Other."

No one drank of course, but Mina did have a cheesy grin on her face as she gave her wife a kiss. She cleared her throat, obviously ready for her turn. "Never have I ever had an elemental quirk."

Shouto, Denki, Katsuki, and Momo all took a shot, although Momo had to defend her claim.

"I create matter, which requires the elements." She explained, folding her hands into her lap.

It went like that for a couple more turns, with very few actually having to drink, except for when Katsuki pulled the "never have I ever not been Bakugou Katsuki" move.

Now it was Kyouka's turn, and the most tipsy person in the room was Denki. Kyouka whispered something to her wife, who nodded at her before taking her hand.

"Never have I ever been pregnant."

The whole room watched in shock and amazement as Momo straight up took a swig from her bottle of watermelon juice. It was silent for a few moments, everyone's dazed minds stumbling towards a connection.

"Yaomomo!" Kouji gasped, excitement pouring out of him in waves. Then it clicked for Hitoshi. Momo was pregnant.

"No way!" Mina cried, rocketing forwards in her seat. "You guys!"

Kyouka and Momo flushed, grinning as they folded into each other. Momo was practically glowing, half to tears.

Izuku's eyes were comically wide as he leaned over Shouto to get a better look at the apparent mothers-to-be. "How far along?"

"About three months." Kyouka stated with pride, placing one of her hand protectively over her wife's belly. "Our due date's in March."

Excited chatter erupted throughout the room, until in was shut down by Katsuki standing up, and stalking towards the couple. He shook his head, before pointing a finger directly at Momo. "Thought you could steal the spotlight, did you?"

Momo laughed, pushing his hand back. "Be thankful, we gave you an opportunity. Now you won't have to start any awkward interruptions."

Okay, now Hitoshi was confused. What on Earth could that mean?

Katsuki pulled Eijirou up from his spot on on of the beanbag chairs Denki had dragged in. "We're expecting too. Same program."

"Program?" Ochako squeaked, torn between confusion and happiness.

"The new research about gays, quirks and kids." Eijirou explained, taking his husband's hand nervously. "We all volunteered to be the first cases, and, well, it worked!"

Hanta cheered, spilling his drink over Denki as he careened sideways. "I can't believe it!"

Both sets of parents-to-be beamed, before the questions came up again.

The game was at the back of everyone's mind, as the remaining of their group congratulated the expecting parents. Hitoshi waited for the group to dissipate more before making his way over to Kyouka and Momo.

"Congrats to you, ladies." He greeted, smiling softly.

Kyouka grinned as Momo giggled. "Why, thank you, Hitoshi."

"Yeah, wicked thanks, dude."

Hitoshi let his eyes drift to the small photo in Kyouka's hand. "Is that an ultrasound image?"

Momo's eyes lit up, coaxing her wife into lifting the photo to allow Hitoshi to see it. It was black and white, as ultrasounds are, but the vaguely human shaped spot in the centre is what truly made his heart skip a beat.

"Wow," he muttered, in awe of the small form. "Do you, I mean, know? The sex?"

Kyouka nodded, tucking the photo back into her wallet. "We're going to be having a son."

"Oh my." Hitoshi was, for once, without words. Nothing could describe the feeling bubbling in his chest. He raised his eyes back to his friends, the women who were going to be having a son in March. "You're going to be wonderful parents. He's a very lucky boy."

Momo teared right up, offering a watery smile. "Thank you, Hitoshi, thank you so-"

Mina slammed into the couple at that point, squealing up a storm. "You guys, you guys, you guys!" Tooru, Tsuyu, and Ochako quickly followed, crowding their fellow women.

Leaving the women to be swarmed by the other four, Hitoshi turned his attention on the men of the hour. He's overheard them mention they we're in the early weeks, and it was 50/50 whether it would stick or not.

It was a lot to take in. Momo and Kyouka, and Katsuki and Eijirou were going to be parents in less than a year. It felt like they had graduated just yesterday, but the news struck the firm number of eight years into his mind. How had the time flown right past him?

Hitoshi shook his head. No, it had crept. Every moment without them was awful. But, he had a suspicion it wouldn't be that way for long. With two legacy babies on the way and multiple couples planning, Hitoshi knew they were going to get closer once more.

And, later, when he's carrying a young, sleeping Kazuya back home after a particularly exhausting playdate, Hitoshi muses that he had been right. Their children were strengthening the bonds between them once more.

[weneverlearn]

R.I.P. Grant Hart

When some kind of celebrity death occurs -- and that “celebrity” can be Prince or Paul Hamann -- there’s often a genuinely heartfelt and/or morbid need to reach out and tell someone. Add the internet into that instinct, and this human action takes on more strange, conflicted, even narcissistic layers.

I woke up yesterday to a text about Grant Hart having passed away. I told myself my girlfriend was awake, and gently tapped her on the shoulder to tell her. She has been working a lot lately, and it was probably best to let her sleep and talk about this later. Telling her, telling anyone wasn’t going to bring Grant Hart back. Basically I just confused her, though she sweetly said “Sorry,” and went back to sleep, somehow.

The emotions were flooding through me, and it was one of numerous deaths that have occurred in my sphere of late, so the usual sinking heart feeling sunk as low as it’s been in awhile (and that’s saying something in this Trump era). One song popped in my head, “Think It Over Now,” from Hart’s excellent 1999 solo album, Good News for Modern Man. In a sea of great Grant Hart songs, it’s Ronettes-meets-rainstorm ramble makes it one of my favorites of his, and it’s positive message helped instantly assuage some sadness. I posted it on Facebook for whatever fucking reason, and went to work, unable to think about much else the rest of the day, into today, and I don’t know, maybe from now on.

It feels awkward to make a celebrity death personal with some tossed-out Facebook post. But I am at that point now in my life where the passing of such monumental artistic figures starts to occur closer to you, more frequently, and it’s inevitable that it spurs you to seek comfort from just telling others why this death is monumental. I mean, in my early 20s, if I had heard the bassist in the Johnny Burnette Trio died, oh, that’s sad. But had that bassist been close to my age, had I seen that bassist play live, got to hang out with him a bit, cranked his records through headphones throughout my teens, well...

It was early summer, 1985, I was 17, about butt-deep into a growing pile of records, increasingly punk records, and my au currant desire was to “get into hardcore.” I mean it was all over college radio, Cleveland had a decent scene of it (although in that odd Ohio-y, weather-beaten way), and I just thought, well, that’s what a guy like me should be doing right now. So I went to my local rack jobber and asked him for a great new hardcore album, and he hands me New Day Rising.

I took it home and played it, but I was a bit nonplussed. This wasn’t the bald-head dude screaming in a circle pit shit I thought I was searching for. It was loud and fast for sure, but not the polka-beat, the government and your parents suck spiel. Instead, as I noticed while I self-surprisingly kept playing the record over and over for the next week, was an instantly recognizable melancholy, damp atmosphere, and intense energy I’d already loved from midwest acts. Husker Du just felt like me and lots of strangers I was starting to get to know at Cleveland punk shows -- already a bit beaten by long winters, mall jobs, and terrible sports teams we didn’t care about, but you live in Cleveland, so you’re going to hear about the fucking Browns whether you like it or not. My image was the three Huskers sitting in their dank basement, from about the first week of October until the first week of March, with a space heater sparking in the corner, complaining about fucking jocks, drinking the cheapest local beer, excited only about the tunes they were coming up with, grasping for hopes maybe winter will end early this year (the last week of February), but knowing for sure it’s just gonna come around again anyway, so whatever, let’s go through that new one again.

I already knew enough about the California-based SST Records to know a shlubby band from Minneapolis with cutoff shorts and an almost sobbing seriousness to their loud fast rules, featuring lyrics about folklore and summer ending, was not that label’s raison d’etre. No doubt most of their bands had shitty lives, crappy parents, drug problems, and whatever. But to me, nothing I’d heard on that label (save some Black Flag), had this depth of pathos and seething spirit. I mean come on, it’s California. You don’t spend your teens hanging out on beaches and seeing pretty girls all the time all year and think, “Damn, remember those good times we had? Fuck! Where’s my copy of Being and Nothingness?!” (Well, maybe the Minutemen did.)

Indeed, from what I understood through the grape, er, hops-vine of the time, many diehard SST fans didn’t dig Husker Du. (Someone did, because I think Husker Du was the best selling act on SST, but you record scholars can correct me on that.) To me they were a sudden, jarring connection between the jangle of ‘60s folk and garage rock -- meaning they were contemporaries more with R.E.M. than Saccharine Trust or what have you -- and a huge leap into some fuzzed-out new world of extreme emotional and sonic confessional. Even moreso than the, truth be told, kind of cute Replacements, Husker Du were the gnarled heart pumping to where punk could grasp towards, to survive not just the winters but encroaching adulthood abyss. Even their name, from an old board game (fun!) that translated to “Do You Remember?” (sad), was reflective. They were 20-year olds and already nostalgic, wistful. But their own apocalyptic Reagan-era shakes were vibrating them out of that basement. They toured like fucking crazy, rust belt work ethic and all; and with hooks that finally put a relevant nail in skinny tie power pop’s coffin.    

New Day Rising has mostly remained my favorite Husker Du album since, the opening title tune being my favorite opener on any album (save maybe “I’m Stranded” by the Saints). But their whole catalog is worth churning through. And it wasn’t just Grant Hart’s massively manic drum pounds that hit you hard, but his and Bob Mould’s strained, splitting-at-the-edges voices. Like their Minneapolis contemporaries (Replacements, Soul Asylum, Magnolias), they sounded like they were incredibly pissed off and ready to fight, to the point of tears. Not to belabor the midwest/California dichotomy, but the Offspring never struck me as tearful guys.

Of course soon enough I gathered, via unexplainable gut impressions and gossipy fanzine articles, that there were gay men in Husker Du. And there’s no doubt that the usual animosity towards jocks for this punk band left larger scars.

The scar I personally got from their records was a band. When I first met New Bomb Turks’s guitarist Jim Weber at our college dorm, one of the earliest conversations centered on how Jim couldn’t get to the Warehouse tour stop in Cleveland, and hence never got to see Husker Du. I’d seen them twice, regaled Jim with some details, and made tapes of the Husker Du albums he didn’t have. You can ask him, but I think Bob Mould was his biggest early guitar inspiration. And further discussions involved the gender identity of the band, though being early-20s guys in the late ‘80s, we probably didn’t talk about “gender identity” as much as how/when we were called the ol’ “f”word in high school, and how the Huskers must have dealt with tons of awful shit from the more unseemly sides of the hardcore scene. 

Husker Du was a favorite band, but also our introduction to really thinking about these issues that were still pretty swept under the turkey at the family Thanksgiving meal back then. We were both raised Catholic, so...

So, Grant Hart. After the Warehouse show at the Phantasy Theater in Cleveland in summer 1987 (they would break up soon after the end of that tour), I made my way to the adjacent upstairs bar, whose backroom was being used as a backstage. I saw Grant and said, “Great show!” He looked at me a little cockeyed, then turned around, asking, “Does anyone have any heroin around here?” So, that was that.

I loved his 2541 EP from 1988, the first post-Husker Du release. By then I was best friends with the first friend to ever come out to me; and that happening right around the release of that EP, well, one should always appreciate life’s teachable serendipity.

Then, the first time I ever went to New York City and first time I went to CBGB in 1989 with said out pal, the first band I saw there was Hart’s Nova Mob. (Well, technically Run Westy Run opened up.) They were pretty good, and I was glad to see Hart still going at it, but it seemed soon enough that he wasn’t. Didn’t hear much except sporadic solo stuff after Nova Mob split up, and given the usual rumors, figured he was done. But then my band was pretty busy those years, and I was soaking up tons of new bands, so who knows.

Then, in mid-summer 1999, I get a request from an editor at the Cleveland Free Times to write a preview for Grant Hart’s solo show in Cleveland, and found out he’d be playing Columbus a couple days before. So we hooked up a meeting, which is a whole other story for another post, or if I had the power, a movie. It was a strange couple of days, involving breaking into the trunk of the early ‘80s Cadillac he was touring in (”Got it from Rent-a-Wreck, seriously”), the club, Bernie’s, not paying him what they promised, Hart rightly taking a monitor as payment (probably not worth the $250 he was guaranteed), and me getting a call from him at 3 a.m. asking to be a character witness in court on Monday. Nice dinner with him in there too.

After relative (college) radio silence for a few years, I didn’t know what to expect of the show, and without going into details, let’s just say this seemed like a “rent tour.” Hart was fairly disheveled, but super nice. He’d recently become close with Patti Smith, and I guess she told him her parents last names were Grant and Hart, and that once she heard of him, she took that as a sign from the stars to work with him. Anyway, standing in Berne’s with like 10 other people watching him, I was utterly floored once again. His voice was just teeming with the weight of all those slushy winters. I just kept thinking, this is unbelievable how intense he is, and how good these songs are, and how no one even in my circle of music heps even knew this show was happening, in the middle of summer no less, when campus is pretty dead anyway. Unfortunately, a horrible flu had also floored me, a 102 temperature, and I could only stay about four songs of his set before heading home to sweat in bed. “Ah, I’ll see him again.” That was the last time I saw him play.

R.I.P. Grant Hart.