The Problem With A Heart
Series: Touken Ranbu
Pairing: Tsurumaru Kuninaga/Saniwa (Female)
Rating: G
Summary:
The problem with being given a physical form is all these new complications that comes with it. As a sword, Tsurumaru has never had to deal with such thoughts before, but things are different now.
—
His master had been gone for a long, long time.
She didn't leave without warning; his master was a responsible owner, and she had written meticulous letters about her reasons for leaving and the duties and responsibilities that were to be handled in her absence. She had been quite detailed in her letters, making sure that the swords under her current ownership were well taken care of and would not encounter too many difficulties; as her last appointed attendant, Tsurumaru couldn't help but smile wryly as he read over them. Despite her efforts, sword spirits were more than capable of looking after themselves and did not require the aid of a human to help them settle. There was no doubt that the sword spirits were much older than she was, than any human could possibly be, and there was little she could offer that they would not be able to do on their own. She of all people would know that, as someone with the power to pull spirits from old, historied objects and embody their essence into a physical form. Even so, Tsurumaru thought as he read over her letters for a countless time, she was quite meticulous in her writing. It was the only way she could show her care for them, in her own human way.
And yet, despite all the detail and attention and underlying anxiousness in her written words, there was no mention of her return. When will she be back? Will she ever be back? The questions that lived in Tsurumaru's mind could not find an answer in all of the pages his master wrote, no matter how many times he read them. He folded the wrinkled paper, textured with his constant touch, and placed it back in the wooden drawer. It hurt him to think that she chose to leave these letters behind instead of facing him, her attendant, who had the right to know. In his mind he knew she wouldn't be able to answer the questions that bothered him even if she were to face him then, but the problem with a heart is that rationalizing these thoughts did not help him in the slightest.
There were many things that her swords chose to do; in a way, it was a welcomed break from all the fighting that they had done. Some chose the time to deepen the friendships between each other, some chose to busy themselves with hobbies or training, and all of them dutifully kept with the responsibilities that their master had detailed in her letters to upkeep their citadel. But for Tsurumaru, the days remained unchanging. There was a restlessness in his heart that blossomed when he read her letter for the first time, a feeling that kept growing with the days that passed peacefully. Was it right for him to feel this way, even in times of peace? He'd thought he would accept it, when he'd left to discover himself on that journey that his master approved of so long ago. It turned out he was still bad at accepting this unchanging landscape—at least, without his master. When he had made his mind up to settle down, it was because he thought he'd be able to be by his master's side, not like this in a place without her. Not like this, alone by himself.
He spent his days wandering the citadel grounds, finding ways to bide his time, and every late afternoon to evening he took to sitting by the front gates alone. When he was asked what he was doing, his answer was that he was bored and simply wished to observe the changing landscape outside of the citadel that was frozen in time without the presence of his master. It was not entirely a lie, but it was not entirely the truth either; his eyes wandered several times down the paths where his master could've taken on the day she decided to leave. It was unfair, the way it was so easy for her to choose to walk down those paths alone, when it was so difficult for him to be stuck here, unable to follow.
It was a clear summer day when he finally saw his master walking down the dirt path. At first he couldn't believe it; many times people had walked down those paths, traveling to their destinations and back, and many times he had watched each of them, each figure of a lady making him hold his breath quietly before releasing it in disappointment. But this time he recognized the style of her clothes, the colour of her hair, and most certainly the way she carried herself with determined purpose, even if her eyes held the weariness of a person that shouldered a heavy burden. When her eyes met his, her steps freezing in surprise, Tsurumaru pulled his hood over his eyes and waited.
He waited. What else could he do, when he had been trapped waiting all this time? When he could hear her hesitant footsteps drawing near him, he rose to his feet. She was so small; he towered over her, the hood that covered his gaze no longer veiling the sharpness in his eyes.
"You're back," he said, and though he was smiling there was an edge to his voice he couldn't contain. She darted her gaze nervously at the sound of it, and if he was in a better mood he would've kicked himself. This was the problem of owning a heart: the absence of a master couldn't bother him when he was simply a sword, but now things were too complicated and he didn't know how to handle these strange and unfamiliar feelings.
"I'm back," she agreed in a quiet, apologetic voice, then added, "how were things while I was gone?"
"While you were gone?" He echoed, the smile not leaving his face though his mind was in a mess; how were things, he had not bothered to keep track despite being her trusted attendant. He only knew of the way her absence had made him feel, how it felt to be left waiting and wondering in a place without her.
"I was dead," he said simply; there was no exaggeration in his voice, because as far as he was concerned it was the truth. "If nothing changes, then it's the same as being dead."
She looked at him then, and the pained look in her eyes melted the ice that frosted his heart ever since the day she left. He pulled her close, his arms enveloping and folding her body against his. She was so small; had anyone ever told her that? It made her look so harmless, but he knew she was anything but. No harmless person could ever leave him feeling so helpless at her absence, or drain the petty anger he'd held onto so tightly with just a look, leaving him feeling pathetic for speaking so coldly to her when she was all he could think about while she was gone.
"I'm sorry, Tsurumaru," she said, voice muffled against his clothes.
"Welcome home," he whispered, when he could finally trust his voice.
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