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#been stupid nauseous all day
nakmor-leigh · 5 months
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Welp, haven't done that in a while
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myriadsystem · 2 months
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#personal#i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed#but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much#theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is#if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical#which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path#to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but#ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that#i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope#hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up#with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot#please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please#im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation#but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated#i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮‍💨#and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today#then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after#i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much#help me im drowning
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a-lonely-dunedain · 6 hours
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krispiecake · 1 year
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uk moots idk if youve seen the rishi sunak school guidelines shit but. like it was already so bad like its been getting worse and worse for years now and somehow it just. like i dont think ive heard someone say something so obviously VILE about the equality act.. ever. i know its not all official yet like it was a proposed speech but i do not see this being scrapped not with the people in control rn. this is gonna kill lgbt kids especially trans kids and i feel so fucking helpless again.
#in fucking pride month too. i feel stupid and helpless.#i want to be a teacher too. i wanna make school safe for kids like me and the idea of having to follow#these fucking human rights abuses of guidelines makes me feel physically nauseous#how am i ever meant to work in education? how am i meant to be a teacher if my basic rights are encouraged to be ignored.#am i meant to put up with misgendering and disrespect every day until it kills me? until something even worse happens?#how are you meant to protect vulnerable kids when your told to hand them over to potential abuse violence homelessness or even death#conversion therapy is still legal here too.#they keep saying theyre banning it but its been 5ys since they said that and still NOTHING.#not only does it mean outing kids to their families#but it also means that they will not be protected from transphobic abuse and harassment from teachers or students.#teachers dont have to and are told not to respect any name pronoun or gender changes#if the parents dont approve#and even then teachers and other students alike will not have to respect them anyway ‘if they dont want to#you know. the shit that has been proven to fucking kill trans youth.#they wanna gut lgbt sex ed too. like probably all of it. the stuff thats been put forward from stonewall (our main lgbt charity here)#i just. i feel so fucking small.#rishi sunak and every single tory needs their head beat in with a cricket bat i literally do not fucking care.#transphobia tw#homophobia tw
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jovalencia · 4 months
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I'm an emotional wreck rn for absolutely no reason and I know I've been saying this every night I've been home since literal may but I think I might go lay sleep in my mom's bed with her tonight. like a child.
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sovaharbor · 4 months
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do you know how fucking stupid it is to be terrified out of your mind over leaving the house and being in a car for ~40 minutes tomorrow. do you know how fucking stupid it is to overhear your mom on the phone with your dad as they bicker over what could possibly be so scary about going to a doctors appointment tomorrow. do you know how fucking stupid it is to get so anxious just Thinking about tomorrow that you start shaking and have to force-feed yourself your favorite chicken gnocchi soup while you literally try to not vomit from the sheer amount of anxiety you are feeling. do you Know how Stupid it is.
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shwarmii · 10 months
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it's just me and my Homegoods' autumn leaf print in black microfiber blanket against the world
#i apologize if im being incoherent tonight. its bc i am chatty when ive gone without sleep for too long#all the lines are blurred. the filter is gone. i am just gonna say/do anything to distract from thiS STUPID FUCKING NAUSEA AHHH#v tempted to watch a ghibli movie on my phone if this keeps up. ive been nauseous fOR TWO DAYS STRAIGHT. STOP IT#ive heard of/experienced painsomnia before (insomnia induced by pain). but is nauseomnia a thing?? idk how to spell#me all the time: boo streaming sucks. own movies instead. but the dvd#also me: i am buying these movies to stream from my phone whenever i am sick/have an attack#incredibly illegal that MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER doesnt have my FAVORITE DUB EVER on streaming anywhere#like bitch Castle Of Cagliostro saved my fucking life bc i was stuck in a pitch dark room with no electrocity and it was in#a strange house and my family was on the opposite side of the house and i was having my first anxiety/panic attack#and i had a fear of the dark and thought i was gonna die. so then i went ''might as well watch something nice while i die'' and my#portable dvd player was all charged up and i had brought 8 dvds with me. i was like 10? maybe younger. and one of them was#Lupin III: Castle Of Cagliostro bc my dad was a Miyazaki nut as SOON as the movies were coming out with English dubs#of course he was grabbing Miyazaki's directorial debut. and David Hayter voice Lupin/the Manga Studios dub iS BETTER#bob bergen as Lupin's english va in Caglisotro is FINE but so much is clunky and unnatural about that dub's script#aND YET ITS THE VERSION ON ALL THE STREAMING VERSIONS. AND NOT THE MANGA STUDIOS DUB. smh let me watch mY#FAVORITE/COMFORT MOVIE WHILE IM SICK. DAVID HAYTER'S VOICE IS PIVOTAL TO MY ENJOYMENT. I AM ATTACHED#someone either let me download that movie onto my phone or else surgically remove Whatever Is Causing My Nausea pls and thanks#diary dump#shwarmi#me
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I'm still crying 😠
#this is the kind of blow that would have made me actively suicidal a few years ago and yes i realize how stupid that is#as things are now... I'm not coping *well* but I'm managing to hold onto anger so the depression doesn't totally take over#but i can not stop crying#every time i think I'm finally done it starts up again#this has also pushed my anxiety to the point where i feel like I'm going to pass out throw up or both and i can't stop shaking#audiobooks with my noise canceling headphones were my best/only semi-effective tool for dealing with anxiety#and yes i know. reading is a privilege and i should just be grateful that books are available in my country & that we have libraries at all#this year has been one thing after another and even small things like this pile up and eventually become overwhelming#and this happening as my seasonal depression is really ramping up was just the fucking cherry on top i guess#i almost just. deleted this blog lmao. what's the point of having a book blog when i can't really read right?#but i keep telling myself nothing lasts forever and i will regret it if i throw away an 8 year old side blog#but even looking at books is making me feel even more nauseous and shaky right now#so i might be on hiatus after my queue runs out idk#depends on how long this churning pit of despair lasts i guess#and also. this happened at a holiday weekend all i can't even make a 1-2 hour drive to a library to renew or get a new card#because libraries around here close between 4 & 6PM most days and i can't get to one after my partner gets home from work before they close#everything about this situation is like. worst timing.
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slimewires · 3 months
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me who does not open up or express myself ever : wow why is everyone just leaving me to sit in my misery here
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nerdie-faerie · 9 months
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Nausea is so stupid. Like why do I feel nauseous when I haven't eaten enough, when I've eaten too much, when I've eaten the wrong thing and when I've eaten at the wrong time? How am I supposed to know which one it is and subsequently how to solve it? Die.
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whilomm · 11 months
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unfortunately i am once again having my periodic "oh god i need to burn it all down and start fresh" thoughts regarding my blog. i will try to resist at least until i move into my new apartment to see if this is just my apartment anxiety bleeding into my Oh God Im A Person anxiety but. if this blog disappears ill probably keep the same name at least so. if that happens and anyone cares enough to follow me again just search whilomm again. and hopefully it wont be so impulsive that i dont give a warning.
eh, might be able to resist this time but. well, ive done it like 4 times before so. its bound to happen again eventually!! the question is When.
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pikkish · 2 years
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people should come send me asks. Come talk to me in my inbox.
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livwritesstuff · 6 months
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Steve is home one day with his daughters when he realizes that his oldest, Moe, is ten.
Okay, obviously, he knew she was ten. She’s been ten for a while, as her birthday is in July and it’s now December, and the girls are discussing Christmas as they perceive it in their little girl worlds.
It’s really that Steve realizes that Moe is the same age Erica had been when he’d asked her to climb through air ducts and infiltrate a Russian military base.
It’s a realization that has Steve feeling a little nauseous, because Moe is ten and she’s plotting with her little sisters about how they’re going to stay awake on Christmas Eve to catch a glimpse of Santa (their conspiring has Steve worried for his and Ed’s own role in Christmas Eve and the way it hinges on the girls falling asleep as early as fucking possible), and she’d lost another baby tooth this morning and hasn’t stopped talking about what the tooth fairy might leave for her overnight, and she still sneaks into his and Eddie’s room after nightmares looking for snuggles, and she’s afraid of car washes and bugs, and she still wants to be read to before bed every night.
He’d been struck suddenly by how little Moe still is. Maybe he’s only thinking that because she’s his daughter – his first daughter, at that – but he still looks at that kid’s face and sees the newborn baby who’d made him a dad ten years ago.
He can’t imagine looking at her and seeing someone equipped to take on Erica had been asked to do, never mind actually asking her to do it, which is precisely what Steve had done twenty-five years ago.
It eats at him for the rest of the day.
“Just call her, Steve,” Eddie urges him after Steve brings it up for the sixth time that evening, “You clearly need to air this shit out.”
So Steve calls Erica.
Erica is in her mid-thirties now. She’s a kick-ass lawyer at a private firm in Indiana, and she picks up the phone on the second ring.
“This is Erica,” she says.
“Hey, it’s Steve.”
“What’s up,” she replies, still never one for beating around the bush.
“I just – I need to apologize.”
“For what?”
“For Scoops,” Steve says, “For Starcourt.”
Erica is silent for a while.
None of them really talk about any of that stuff anymore. They’d hashed everything out ages ago, until all that was left behind was the understanding that none of them would ever be able to truly move past it, that there would always be guilt and fear and pain they could never shake.
“Okay?” she finally says, question in her tone.
“I just…” Steve hesitates, “Look – I didn’t get it. I didn’t fully get how fucked up it was. I was the grown up in the situation and I should have put a stop to it but I was stupid and reckless, and now that Moe is ten, I can’t stop thinking about how insane it was for us to even consider roping you into that.”
“I agreed to it.”
“You were a kid.”
“You were a kid,” Erica insists.
“Eighteen isn’t a kid anymore.”
“Say that to me again when Moe’s eighteen and maybe I’ll believe you.”
Steve doesn't have anything to say to that, because Erica is probably right (though only time will tell, he supposes). Their phone call ends only a few minutes later with Erica telling him to go easy on himself and Steve saying he’d try before apologizing one more time.
“You gonna take her advice?” Eddie asks after he’s pulled a begrudging Steve into his arms.
“No,” he tells him, curling into his husband’s side and sticking his nose in Eddie’s neck so he doesn’t have to look him in the eye.
“Figures.”
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dante-mightdie · 8 days
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Omg Ive got another idea about the cult!au:
So simon now has this cute dumb wife who just won’t shut up about how weird stuff around her seem to be lately and she just keeps talking about wanting to see what would happen if they went out without price knowing, just out of pure curiosity yk? She constantly talks about hearing people outside, on the hills surrounding the little village they have, what could they possibly be? Maybe they’re monsters and not humans? But they seem so small and fragile just like the people in their own community 
And every time she mentions anything related to the topic simon is DEVASTATED, not because of his wife, but because of john. he knows that if his wife mentions anything like the stuff she blurts out when they’re alone price would straight up kill her and leave no proof of her ever existing before that, he’s seen it happen a few times with his own eyes
And when he remembers the terrified looks people had on their faces before being buried alive, just makes him nauseous cause he can’t imagine his wife’s beautiful face that scared.
But no matter what he does, she just won’t listen! If it was anyone else simon wouldn’t even hesitate to kill them with his own hands to show price his devotion, but it’s not anyone else, it’s his wife
So he decides to take matters into his into his own hands, he’s the one that has the keys to the gates after all
So he tells his precious little wife that he’s going to let her see the plains surrounding the village for an hour and if she liked it, they can just leave together :)
And the way his wife’s eyes just filled with excitement melted his heart, little did she know simon was going to make her want to stay
So maybe she sees something scary outside, and she runs as fast as she possibly can ,and just hugs simon with tears running down her eyes, saying that she was so stupid to think anywhere other than the warm community and her loving husband’s embrace would be safe for her
Maybe with a sprinkle of smut…? Just maybe! Just a silly little thought yk!!!
please grace us with your amazing writing, cause this cult!au is living in my mind rent free 😢🙏🙏🙏
hope you guys like the cult!au because it’s all you’re gonna be hearing for at least a few days. gonna call this version of simon ‘gatekeeper!ghost’
c/w: dark content, cult!au, gatekeeper!ghost, murder, manipulative tactics, implied mentions of pregnancy and children
your husband worries that you’re a little too oblivious sometimes. not truly understanding how the things you say and do could end in serious repercussions. perhaps you’re certain that if it truly came down to it, simon would defend you over anyone else. and to an extent, you’re right. however, that only applies when he’s actually there to protect you and if you think that price wouldn’t account for your guard dog husband when exacting out his revenge, you’re dead wrong
so he decides that he needs to help you see that. perhaps if you see with your own too eyes that the outside world is really just a pit of wolves waiting to feast on the soft flesh of his naive trusting wife, you’ll stop all this nonsense about the outside. so he decides to kill two birds with one stone by using a member of the community, who price had asked simon to get rid of anyway, to give you a fright
the man had been sowing discontent into the community for a while anyways. not pulling his weight with the mandatory community chores which everyone contributes too, apparently harbouring some resentful opinions towards key members of the community including himself and simon. it wasn’t long before price had enough of the disrespect and ordered simon to dispose of him and dump his body in the incinerato
simon decided to take a little detour with him first, though. leading him out past the gates before swiftly ending his life. he spends some time setting up a scene for you to stumble upon, making it appear as though this man was another member of the community who got too curious about the outside and had been mauled by some creature. whether you assume that creature is just a wild animal or something more sinister is irrelevant to simon, you won’t be seeing it anyway once he gets you back behind the gates. poor thing’ll be too frightened to ever wonder about the outside world again
your husband comes to collect you after hours once everyone in the community is asleep. you step out the gates with caution, as though the ground may not be walkable nor the air breathable. you soon relax once you realise the scenery and nature is not all that different to the community you were raised in your whole life. he hands you a map, one he edited to ensure you’d follow all the right paths to find the body and be back at the gates all in under 10 minutes
“back ‘ere. one hour. ‘m trusting you here, sweethear’, yeah?” your husband grumbles, zipping up your coat to protect you from the cold of the night but not before slipping a tracking device in lining. you look up at him, nodding along to every word he tells you about the paths, how to find your way back if you get lost, how if you’re not back in one hour to find somewhere safe and he will come and find you
gives you a firm kiss on the forehead before letting you go on your way, watching your form until it quickly disappears into the dark. the only thing visible of you is the slight glint of the torch he gave you. he looks down at his watch, he told you an hour but if you’re not back in 10 minutes then he knows you’ve strayed from the path he told you to go down
he counts down the minutes, softly whistling to himself as he leans on his rifle. 6 minutes was all it took for him to hear your bloodcurdling scream echo throughout the trees. he sets off, running until he eventually meets you halfway on the walk back. he feels guilty, don’t get it twisted but he’s doing it for your own good. doesn’t stop his heart breaking at the sight of you running towards him, hands reaching for him with tears streaming down your face
you throw yourself into him, sobbing into his chest as you struggle to get the words out about what you saw. as he predicted this outcome, his arms instinctively scoop you up after he slings his rifle round to rest against his back. let’s you cry to him about the awful thing you just saw whilst he carries you back towards the compound gates, cooing that you’re safe now and he’ll get you both home and safe
your home isn’t far from the gates which means your home after a short walk. you refuse to let simon leave your side, whining that you’re scared whatever got that man is gonna come and get you
“don’t be silly, lovie. they’d ’ave to get through me first.” he says, planting a kiss on top of your head whilst he strips you both down for bed. you just look up at him with a pouty lip, “I think you’re just getting too bored at home, aren’t ya, sweets? not much to keep ya busy when i’m not around. maybe some little troublemakers running about the ‘ouse will keep ya busy, yeah?”
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darkbluekies · 1 month
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Hey blue! How are you? I just wanted to say that i LOVE your OC Hedwig. When could we get more of her please? (Oh and i'm not forcing you to write about her right away ofc, take your time!!<33)
Let her burn
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Female!yandere x reader
Summary: someone is trying to take you from Hedwig, and she will not allow it, she will watch them burn.
Warnings: basically assault, reader blaming themselves, arson, public humiliation, hitmen, bully mentality, fake friends
Word count: 3.4k
The sun is out for once and everyone in school — even the ones you would classify as allergic to the sun — is outside in the school yard. You and Hedwig’s group of popular rats have occupied one of the tables with benches. You're sitting on the bench and Hedwig right above you on the table with her face turned upwards, eyes closed. The others talk about parties they're invited to, what they're going to buy with the money they've made, what clothes look good and what makes them nauseous — extra points if the clothes already exist on a person in a fifteen meter radius.
You stand up. Hedwig turns down her head and looks at you through her sunglasses.
“I'll go buy a juice from the vending machine”, you say. “The sun makes me thirsty.”
She's about to grab her handbag and join you, but you shake your head.
“You can stay, I'll be back in a minute”, you say.
“Are you sure?” she asks hesitantly. 
You nod and turn to walk before she has a chance to protest. You need to get away from Hedwig and her friends' constant shittalk. You've never heard Hedwig join in on their degrading teasing, but she has her own reasons for you wanting some minutes to yourself. Reasons that others are jealous of you for. 
You walk into the school and breathe out, run your hand through your hair. Deciding that if you don't want Hedwog to suspect that you ditched her and her friends because of their presence, you make your way through the empty corridors to the vending machine and take out the wallet that Hedwig gifted you. You pop a few coins into the slot and hover your finger over the juice option.
“Y/N”, a voice says.
You turn your head to one of the girls that hang out in Hedwig’s group, Noelle. She's in the cheerleading team — captain, even, if you're not mistaken — and is always judging the other girls on the team. You hear about it at lunch every single day. Confused, you look at her. What could she want you? She has never wanted to speak with you before, always pretended that you don’t exist … or at least that’s what you thought. 
“Uhm … hi”, you say and glance behind you, to see if someone else had sent her. 
“‘Uhm … hi’”, she chuckles, taking a step forward. “Is that the best you can do after all the time we’ve spent together? You act if this is the first time we’ve met.”
“Technically it is. You’ve never tried to speak to me before.”
“And you’ve never tried to speak with me either, not only my fault.”
You turn around and press the right button for the juice and watch it fall down from its shelf. You can hear Noelle move closer behind you and you’re not sure why your heart skips a beat, and why you’re suddenly on high alert. Maybe it has something to do with the students who have hurt you because of your relationship with Hedwig, or maybe the fact that you know how Noelle acts. You’ve never liked her. 
“You know … if Hedwig hadn’t been so quick to snatch you, I’d given you a shot”, she says, suddenly too close to you for your liking. 
You can’t help but be … surprised? 
“Really?” you question before you have time to stop yourself. 
“Of course”, Noelle says as if it was obvious and that you were stupid for not recognizing it, making you feel stupid.  
“I uh … didn’t know.”
Noelle scoffs out a laugh and you want nothing more than to leave, but you don’t want to be impolite to her, don’t want to give her a reason to talk bad about you … but you have a feeling that’s going to be inevitable. You squeeze the juice packet like a stressball. 
“We should go back out”, you say and try to walk past her, but she grabs your arm. 
“I won’t get to talk to you while we’re out there”, she complaints. “Hedwig’s so fucking insecure. She can’t even let you talk to anyone else without becoming jealous.”
You’ve never been this uncomfortable before. You’re frozen in place, confused on what to do. Noelle is Hedwig’s friend and you don’t want to upset her, but you don’t wish to conversate with her any longer. 
You only manage to mutter one excuse that actually lets you go. “I have to pee.”
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“Two deciliters of sugar …”, Hedwig reads aloud and grabs the sugar package. “Should we do a little more? Just in case? I don’t want the pie to become bitter.”
“Why would it be bitter?” you question from the other side of the kitchen aisle. 
Hedwig looks up from the deciliter cup she’s holding, looking clueless. “Rhubarb is bitter, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but I don’t think the pie will be bitter.”
“Let’s just add a little more … just in case.”
Your eyes glue onto the trees outside the window, replaying today’s events. You haven’t told Hedwig about yours and Noelle’s conversation, not sure if you should. Hedwig can’t stand knowing that other people could have an interest in you, and she can’t let things go easily. If you tell her this, that could be harmless, she might go around dreading it for weeks … which will go out on you too. But it feels wrong to keep it to yourself. Noelle basically hit on you … shouldn’t you let your girlfriend know? But what if Hedwig thinks that you liked having Noelle basically hit on you? What if she becomes mad at you? 
“Sweetheart?”
You flinch and look up. Hedwig’s looking at you with worried eyes from across the kitchen aisle. 
“You aren’t listening”, she says quietly and lets go of the whisk. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“No”, you say and shake your head. “I’m just tired. My head hurts.”
You lower your head to avoid looking at her. You feel dirty, somehow, as if you have betrayed her even though you didn’t want to talk to Noelle. Besides, you didn’t do anything, right? Why can’t you look her in the eye? 
Hedwig walks around the kitchen aisle and cups your cheeks in her hands, directing it up to her. She runs one of her hands through your hair. 
“My poor girl/boy”, she coos with a pout. “Do you want something? A cup of tea?”
You nod. Hedwig smiles and lets you go. She walks over to the marble kitchen counter and turns on the kettle. You’re presented with a cup of breakfast tea just a few minutes later. Hedwig hugs you from behind and kisses your cheek before leaning her chin on your shoulder. 
“You will get some rhubarb pie soon, okay?” she says. 
You nod. Hedwig continues to whisk things together as you watch and slowly sip your tea. A message notification pops up on your phone, from an instagram profile you recognize. You don’t follow it, because you’re not allowed to follow anyone else but Hedwig and your family, but you see who does. The profile picture is taken on school grounds, in the cheerleading uniform. 
“meet me tmr in the music room at 11 i wanna tell you something”
You stare at your screen, feeling your body go numb. 
“Y/N!” 
You flinch again and look up to meet Hedwig’s eyes. They’re burning with rage and worry. 
“Why aren’t you listening to me?” she asks and frowns. “I’m talking to you.”
“I’m sorry”, you reply. “What did you say?”
“Can you open the oven?”
You get up from your chair and walks over to the oven, grabbing the handle. 
“Be really careful”, Hedwig says. “It’s hot. Don’t burn yourself.”
You open the oven, but your hand lingers for too long, burning the side of it. You shriek and jump back, clutching it with your other hand. 
“Oh, my Gosh, Y/N!” Hedwig exclaims and rushes the pie into the oven. “I told you to be careful!”
She closes the oven and hurries to wash your hand under a stream of cold water. 
“What is with you today?” she asks worriedly. “You’re not yourself.”
“I’m just tired”, you lie. 
“Is that all? Really?”
“And my head hurts. I told you.”
“Y/N-”
“I just need to rest.”
Hedwig sighs and pulls you with her to the bathroom where you’re sat down on the toilet seat while she looks for bandaids. You feel oh, so guilty. Hedwig takes care of your hand and gives it a soft kiss. She looks you in the eye in a way that makes your stomach twist. You want to tell her about her friend, but you can’t predict the outcome. 
“You would tell me if there was something going on … wouldn’t you?” she asks slowly. 
You can’t bring yourself to answer. If you open your mouth, your voice will fail you. Instead, you choke back your words and give her a small nod. It looks like she wants to say something, tell you that she doesn’t believe you, but keeps quiet. 
She curls up closely in your arms that night. If you try to remove your arms, she’s quick to pull them back, as if she’s assuring herself that you’re still here — with her. She’s always curled up in your arms at night, with her head on your chest, but tonight her embrace feels even tighter. 
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The days go by. Noelle seem to pop up whenever you’re alone, which has made you stay closer to Hedwig than usual. She doesn’t seem to mind it. She holds your hand while talking to someone else, nuzzles up in class, always keeping close. But she looks at you in a way you can’t understand, as if she’s waiting for you to say something, impatient yet scared of what’s to come. 
And one day, when you’re walking to the bathroom, you hear her voice again. 
“Stop ignoring me”, Noelle says angrily. 
You turn around to look at her and gulp. Why do you feel so small? Why does she scare you?
“I’m not ignoring you”, you say exhaustedly. “I just don’t want to talk to you. We have nothing to discuss. Why do you keep on insisting?”
“Because I know that I’m a much better girlfriend than Hedwig could ever be. I want to be your girlfriend.”
“Okay? But I don’t want you-”
“You don’t seem happy with Hedwig anyway.”
You flinch. “That has nothing to do with you, so please just let it be. I want to be left alone. Things will be weird in the group if you continue with this.”
“I'm not the one making it weird, if you just accepted to talk with me then-”
“You don't want to talk about anything, though? You just want me to break up with Hedwig! I’m going back now. Move”
Suddenly everything feels too fast. Noelle grabs you and pushes you up against the wall. You yelp and try to push her off, but her cheerleading activities have built her muscles that overpower you. For a moment, you’re absolutely terrified. Before she has the chance to do anything, however, she's ripped off of you and thrown to the side. Shocked, you look to the side, seeing your girlfriend walk in front of you — which, if anything, makes you even more shocked. You have never been happier for Hedwig’s clingy behavior.
“No, get your fucking hands off of them!” she exclaims jarringly and gives Noelle a harsh push to make sure that she gets farther away from you. “Back off! Are you out of your mind?! Who do you think you are, touching my boyfriend/girlfriend? Absolutely insane! Have you no fucking manners?”
She takes up her phone in her shaking hands, about to call her father.
“I regret ever befriending you, oh my God”, she spits. “I will make sure you pay for this-”
“No, wait, Hedwig”, Noelle pleads, suddenly pathetically aware of what she’s done. “I'm sorry.”
“Oh, so now you’re sorry, huh?” She looks up from her phone, shooting lightening at the other girl. “Not when you texted my girlfriend/boyfriend behind my back? Or when you demanded them to break up with me? But now that you’re caught you’re sorry?! You absolute scum.”
She had seen the messages? You lower your eyes, feeling that horrible shame creep back. 
“I don’t ever want to see you near them again”, Hedwig spits. “Trust me, I will let everyone know what you’ve tried to do. Believe me.”
“I won’t do it again”, Noelle says quickly. “Hedwig, please, come on-”
Hedwig grabs your hand tightly and pushes past her. 
“Move”, she demands darkly and drags you out into the sunlight. 
Hedwig doesn’t let you go until she has pulled you far away from all the other students, until you’re hiding by the canteen delivery entrance. Hedwig is shaking from head to toe, her hands trembling too much to navigate her phone. She sobs harshly, tapping the screen violently until she throws it against the ground with a scream. You flinch. 
“H-Hedwig …”, you say hesitantly. “I’m sorry.”
Hedwig’s eyes dart at you in disbelief, offended that you even thought that any of this oculd be your fault. 
“N-No, Y/N-”, she sobs, choking on her own tears. She grabs your hands before rambling. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m not mad at you, I promise.”
“How did you … know?”
Hedwig wipes her runny nose with the sleeve of her school uniform and hiccups through sobs. “W-When you were sleeping I went into your phone, because I thought that you were acting strange and—and I saw her messages. And when I saw that she went after you to the bathroom I had a feeling that she would—would do something. I’m going to make her pay. I’m going to ruin her life.”
“Isn’t that a bit extreme?”
Hedwig shakes her head firmly. She hugs you tightly, hiding her face into your shoulder. You’re unsure what to do, but eventually place your arms around her. 
“I w-want to go home”, she sobs. “I don’t feel well.”
And you do. 
Hedwig sits down on her bed, clutching her phone in her hand. You can’t catch her attention, even though you try to call out her name. 
“Hedwig, what are you doing?” you ask for the fifth time. 
Finally, she looks up from her phone. 
“I’m telling everyone in the groupchat”, she says. “I promised that everyone will know what Noelle did.”
With Hedwig’s contacts, soon the entire school will know, you think. 
“She made a mistake”, you say. “A very idiotic mistake, but is it really worth this?”
“She was a friend”, Hedwig spat. “She knows very well that you and I are dating and she decides to just … disregard that? No, she deserves it all.”
You can feel the air in the room get switched with something poisonous. You can’t breathe. 
“I think I should go home”, you say and get up from the armchair. 
Hedwig’s head flinches up towards you. 
“No!” she gasps. “Please don’t go!”
She lets go of the phone, sprints up from the bed and hugs you. 
“Please stay”, she begs weakly. “Please.”
“I can’t take more of this silence.”
“I-I’ll put on a movie! You can watch whatever you want, just please stay here. Don’t go.”
You’re soon cuddled up in bed with Hedwig having her arms around yours, still tapping away on her phone in silence. 
The very next day when you come to school, everything seem to have changed. People are looking at the two of you and you can tell, by the pitiful looks in their eyes, that they know what happened yesterday. Even though it wasn’t your fault, you feel like you’re in the wrong and that everyone else think so too. 
You meet up with Hedwig’s friend group who immediately tells her how they've always thought that there was something off with Noelle and how disgusting she is. Yesterday, they all loved her. And suddenly they have felt off about her for so long? You fight the urge to roll your eyes. 
You look at Hedwig in disbelief. Do you hear this?
Her eyes twitched. Oh yeah. 
Her grip on your hand tightens. 
While you’re talking, you see how Noelle enters the school yard. She has dark circles under her eyes and looks … small. You almost feel bad for her. The group gives her nasty looks. 
You don’t see the small ‘I-told-you-so’ smile on Hedwig’s face. She drinks it all in, sunbathes in her misery. But it’s not enough. She has humiliated her in front of the entire school and ruined her reputation … but it’s not enough. The sight of her makes Hedwig’s blood boil. She wants her gone, removed out of her sight. Wants her dead. 
She had promised herself not to do it again, but she can’t let Noelle come and go like this. What if she somehow manages to fix her life and reputation? What if she starts a new school and no one knows about what she’s done and starts to like her? She has to disappear. 
Hedwig looks at you and sighs. You are worth it.
“I have to go to the bathroom”, she whispers. “Can you come with me?”
You nod. While Hedwig goes into the bathroom, she takes up her phone and calls the number she has hidden away behind a contact name called ‘Abbe’s Bakery’. She holds the phone to her ear. But this contact is neither named Abbe or owns a bakery. 
“Hedwig, it was a long time ago”, a male voice says on the other side of the line. “Why do you suddenly need me again?”
“My relationship is threatened again”, she says in a hushed tone. “I need to get rid of the threat. You have to help me.”
“Sure, what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to burn her in.”
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That night when you’re sleeping soundly beside her, she crawls out of bed, making sure not to wake you. Oh, God, if she wakes you … she wouldn't forgive herself. You look absolutely gorgeous when sleeping. No soul in the world is allowed to disturb your peaceful slumber. Hedwig wants nothing more than to cuddle up beside you, hold you tightly in her arms and drift away to another dimension, but she has to make sure the girl pays for what she did.
“I'll be back soon”, Hedwig whispers, knowing full well that you can't hear her. “I will make sure nothing ever happens to you. You will never have to worry as long as I am here.”
She kisses your forehead as softly as she possibly can to not wake you up. She tucks you in and sneaks out of her room. Her heart swells with adoration for you. It only makes her more certain. She has to do this — for you. For your safety. And for her own sanity.
Hedwig wears a black hoodie, pulls the hood over her head and makes sure that none of her hair will be visible and quietly makes her way out of the mansion and runs past the gates. She doesn't take a car or scooter, scared that any security cameras in the city will catch her registration. She runs through the night, not wanting to miss the show. The only thing keeping her company is the sound of her own breathing and her shoes hitting the asphalt underneath her. 
She arrives just in time. Red, yellow and orange flames has started to lick at the house on the other side of the road and is quickly embracing it. The flames climb higher, reaching for the moon. Hedwig can hear screams from inside, hears glass being broken … and all she does is smile. She revels in the sight. 
You deserve it, Hedwig thinks. You should never have tried to take my partner from me. 
She decides to leave before neighbors and firefighters start to come running. It’s with a smile that Hedwig returns to her room and takes you in her arms. You whimper in your sleep and she’s quick to hush and stroke your hair. 
“Don’t wake up, it’s okay”, she whispers and kisses your cheek. “Everything is okay now, you’re safe. You’re okay.”
She smiles widely. Everything is okay now. 
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leahcee · 2 years
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#second time I’ve cried non stop in the past three days bc my family got a new puppy but the responsibilities been dropped on me mainly since#i went to pick her up from a friend of a friend and like its soooo much work to take care of a puppy#like my anxiety has been so bad over crate training and her whining at anything that I haven’t eaten all day or I’ll barely eat but then#feel like absolute shit later on and end up feeling mad nauseous if I do eat#and my mom helped out yesterday and even let the puppy sleep in the crate in my parents room the past two nights#but I end up feeling guilty bc I’m like that should be me suffering#even tho it was my mom who wanted the puppy#and like I love her don’t get me wrong but she’s just a lot of work like she’s part chihuahua and part lab we think#and she’s two months old and very very veryyy active and it’s a lot I wasn’t expecting nor#prepared for#especially being unable to sleep through the night like there’s a reason why I don’t have a baby rn like I can’t do this#and my parents are in Santa Barbara for the next like three days and I am absolutely panicking bc I also have scruffy to take care of#and he’s indifferent to our puppy but he like does a lil growl whenever she’s too hyper and gets too close to him#and I just can’t do thissssss#so I’m crying and stressed and a very big ball of anxiety atm#and like I feel sooooo stupid for crying bc she’s just a puppy like taking care of her shouldn’t bring me this much anxiety but it is#she’s so stinkin cute and adorable but she’s a lot of work and I feel#guilty for feeling like this#personal
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