I wish I could become a white grub, and leave all my responsibilities behind to dig in the cool, damp flesh of the Earth. I can feel it already. Its loamy embrace bends my setae and aids my digestion through transparent skin. Air floods my spiracles, so humid that they forget the threat of water loss and open fully. Maximum oxygen. Maximum efficiency. I dig sideways through the grassroots jungle until cumulative gravity presses like a weighted blanket and curls me on my side to sleep. I can't wait to wake up and dig more.
Ladybugs may be the cutest insects around, but they don't start off that way. Also called lady beetles or ladybirds, they pop out of their eggs as prickly mini-monsters with an insatiable hunger for aphids. Once they've bulked up, they transform, shedding their terrifying looks, but keeping their killer vibes.
Little buglet found in our bath tub the other day. Seems to be a soldier beetle larva. Got some pictures (and the above video) before relocating them to the outside.
So I’m real fucked up tonight and was eating popcorn with Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning™️ on it and then when I was finished, I wanted something else to eat with the Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning™️ cuz it was really good.
So one of my friends looks at me and says I should have it on an apple, cuz we’ve got like a whole bag of em that his mom sent over with him. For shits and giggles I’m like sure, why not? And so I sprinkle an atrocious amount of Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning™️ on EVERY bite I take of this apple. Every bite. It’s fucking scrumptious.
So I’m getting close to the core, and I’ve got like one good bite left. I put a mountain of fucking Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning™️ on that bad boy, and I take the biggest chomp outta that apple.
So big, in fact, that I look down to see that I’ve taken like half the core in my mouth. So I’m looking at what is left of the apple in my hand as a start to chew just to watch this massive fucking beetle larva squirm his way out and look at me like, “yo motherfucker pass the Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning™️.”
I fucking CHUCK this apple in the sink and spit out what was in my mouth all over my kitchen floor. Literally I am in tears thinking about it. I have never been more scared in my fucking life. I got nauseous and lightheaded all at once, and all my friends (most of them fucked up) are looking at me like I’m dramatic, and then they look in the sink to see this massive fucking larva just swimming around in there like I didn’t just crashed into his living room and probably eat his wife and kids?
I immediately flew into a panic until my companions assured me that no creature could possibly survive the contents of my stomach, including but not limited to 1.5 jars of pickle juice I drank not long before the incident.
I have come to the conclusion that this was my punishment from God for my Ranch Sins.