#being alienated for not having the same abilities as everyone else -> neurodivergent

[loosescrewslefty]

Screaming, crying and OBSESSING over the way Anya and Demetrius are on opposite sides of the Neurodivergent scale and also far more similar to one another than either one realizes. More than any other character we've seen so far, it feels like these two are Yin and Yang, opposite sides of the same coin.

Demetrius easily absorbs facts, figures, and other information that follows a set pattern. But people confuse and frustrate him, and he deals with that by not dealing with it. Anya has the ability to understand more about strangers she passes on the street than people who see them regularly ever could, but traditional academics can overwhelm her so she is resistant to studying. And yet both of them are othered and seen as abnormal by everyone around them, building a wall between them and their peers that they both find difficult to overcome.

Anya tries to fit in through masking, pretending as hard as she can to be normal (with limited success) but Demetrius has given up after going so long without anyone helping him better understand others which leads to him disassociating in social situations as a self defense mechanism, to get in and out as quickly and painlessly as possible while telling himself it doesn't matter.

Except it does.

Demetrius didn't need to ask about Damian's stella. But he did. Because he wants to find some sort of common ground with his brother even as he reassures himself that it doesn't matter and he doesn't care. He doesn't pick up on the fact that this makes Damian feel self conscious, that he's comparing his one stella to Demetrius' six and worried their father will love him less for not being as successful. Demetrius doesn't understand how the subject switched to Donovan at all, and shuts down hard when their father is mentioned. Just like he did when Damian called and asked him to be a bridge between them way back when.

(Demetrius warning Damian not to get his hopes up about Donovan coming to meet him also conflicts with his internal dialog about how the people around him don't matter and he doesn't need to care about understanding them. If it actually doesn't matter to him, then he wouldn't care if Donovan blew Damian off.)

Circling back to the original thought though, I desperately hope that we're going to get Demetrius and Anya interacting directly with one another at some point in the future because I have a feeling that Anya's blunt, child-like nature will lead to her just directly telling Demetrius the things that are eluding him when he interacts with others, demystifying all the unspoken social cues he's supposed to yet cannot intuit for the first time in his life. And he is going to be in awe of this child for her ability to not only understand others, but translate for him when he cannot grasp whatever it is they are trying and failing to say to him.

Demetrius could appreciate Anya's abilities, rather than being afraid of or disturbed by them. And they could both understand the feeling of not fitting in with the crowd. Of knowing that others regard them with fear and contempt, or want to use the things that make them different for their own purposes and treat them like they are just a tool instead of a person. The potential is there for a very interesting platonic relationship between two kids who have spent their whole lives feeling like their differences alienated them from everyone else in their life, and in Anya's case a fear that the discovery of that difference would lead to her losing the love of everyone important to her in her life.

[snaggletoothedbastard]

in defence of autistic characters

Because apparently people are mad about this.

I've heard the phrase "you're making every single character autistic!" and similar phrases way too many times. Mostly from allistic people who don't understand how headcanons work, and are also scared shitless by the very idea that they might have something in common with an autistic person.

Oh gosh, the horror!

"You're making every single character autistic," said in a negative way, is basically a translation of: "That character can't possibly be autistic because I'm not autistic and I like them!"

Neurotypicals often seem to be under the impression that neurodivergent people are some kind of alien species, and that these two groups have nothing whatsoever in common with each other and therefore can't even have the same feelings towards one single fictional character. They've given us our "representation", the Sheldon Coopers and the Rain Mans, and essentially said, "Here you go, enjoy your seven (7) canonically autistic characters, and leave every other character in the world to us." And then have the gall to act surprised when we're not particularly happy with what we've been given. Sure, Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man may technically count as representation, but that doesn't mean they're good, and it doesn't mean that they're enough. We need more than that.

You can make the exact same argument about queer characters or characters of colour. Marginalised groups are often given the bare minimum of representation and told that they should be grateful for it, as if everyone else in the world is bending over backwards to cater to them.

Surprise! That's not what's happening.

Instead we are supplied with the most boring, clichéd, unlikeable, stereotypical characters with very little personality, who are treated with very little respect by the people who literally created them. Why should we be grateful for that? It shouldn't be surprising, really, that we find ourselves feeling better represented by and more connected to characters who may not be specifically written as autistic but who we can relate to anyway, and have been written with respect, nuance and creativity. Real autistic people aren't as one-dimensional as we are in fiction. We've got personalities, interests, relationships and emotional journeys that are just as complex as yours, and we'd like this complexity to be reflected in the characters that are supposed to be for us. So when we don't get that, we end up being drawn to characters that were made for a more general audience.

One argument that I see frequently used to protest against autistic fans' relationship with these characters is: "it'll make people think they're autistic!"

Wow. People use stories as a means of self-discovery and a way to connect with others. Shocking. Truly shocking.

I have numerous problems with this argument. Firstly, it's concerningly close to being anti self-diagnosis. I hate to go off on a rant but the situation calls for it. Self-diagnosis isn't a bad thing. Often what people mean when they say "self-diagnosis" is "faking". These things are very different, and saying that someone is faking is always a risk because unless you know them personally and are aware of their entire medical history, you cannot be certain about something like this. And accusing every other person of faking a disability just because they don't fit your idea of what that disability should look like is not only extremely presumptuous, but perpetuates stereotypes and misconceptions that can be potentially dangerous.

And issues around self-diagnosis are multitude. Sure, it's not exactly ideal that it exists, but it's reality. People can't always access an official diagnosis; the assessment process is often long and exhausting; an official diagnosis can stop people from immigrating to certain countries and can threaten their ability to get jobs and have children; doctors aren't always correct in their diagnoses anyway, especially if the person they're diagnosing is AFAB and/or a person of colour. And even if someone doesn't give themself exactly the correct label, personally I think it's better to be slightly off the mark and still know how to describe your experiences and what accommodations and support you need, than to have no idea what's going on in your head and not know how to cope with your struggles.

Also, self-diagnosis is much, much more than just seeing a person with the same traits as you and thinking, "they're autistic so I must be too". It involves loads and loads of research. Hell, even the build-up to an official diagnosis involves loads of research, especially if you can't access private healthcare and have to lurk at the bottom of a waiting list for months before you get to talk to a doctor. I did at least two years of research, and I have been both self-diagnosed and professionally diagnosed. The official diagnosis was basically just telling me things I already knew about myself.

It's unlikely that so many people are deciding they're autistic just because they relate to a fictional character that it's a world-wide epidemic that needs to be stopped. Finding people we can identify with is important and helps a lot with self-acceptance. And it's a completely natural thing for people who are discovering their own autistic traits to start noticing them in other people too. So why are we surprised when we see that actually happening? And why are we acting like it's some kind of terrible thing? Do I need to remind you about Abed Nadir? The character who so many autistic people loved and connected with that Dan Harmon realised he was autistic because he based the character on himself? Give me one example where a scenario like this has ended badly. Just one.

In conclusion: you're allowed to have things in common with autistic people. And autistic people are allowed to connect with fictional characters. We're not hurting anyone. It's not the end of the world. Keep your hair on. If you're so offended that we see ourselves in not-explicitly-autistic characters instead of the one-dimensional caricatures we've been told are "for us", give us better representation. But it's not like you have a claim over every character that isn't explicitly autistic. It's not a "this is mine so you can't have it" situation. If you're thinking like that, you belong in a preschool with the rest of the toddlers who haven't learnt how to share things.

[gay-otlc]

More Santi thoughts (also brief warning for skin picking):

-He likes being organized, but also has terrible object permanence, so what ends up happening is that he knows exactly where the really important stuff is, and the rest is… somewhere. -Santi is good at reading people he knows really well, but it's something he had to consciously learn, rather than something natural to him. He has a hard time interpreting facial expressions especially, and even more so around people he doesn't know. -There's a fine line between routine and boredom. He likes having a schedule and making a list of what he needs to do, but he makes sure that not everything is exactly the same every day. -Scented soap is gross. It's fine on its own or on other people, but if he uses it, the smell gets overwhelming very quickly, and he used to think he was allergic to it, because it would make his skin feel really itchy. what no I'm not like this at all /s -There are a lot of social/conversational norms that Santi just. does not get, but a big one is eye contact. Brief eye contact is fine, a little weird especially if it's accidental, but it is what it is. Prolonged eye contact, on the other hand, feels very unnatural to him, and he usually looks at someone's forehead instead if he's in a situation that requires it. -Mostly, he just doesn't understand why it's rude not to make eye contact. Like, as long as you're looking at the person and paying attention, why does it matter if you're looking at their eyes or not? -He picks at his skin whenever he's bored or tense. It's mainly on his arms and hands, and occasionally his face. Mostly, he picks existing scabs, the skin around his fingernails, and his calluses. -As someone with calluses, they are the worst thing for a skin picking habit, because there's always some rough skin to pick at and it's very hard to stop. I will stop there but rest assured there are definitely more thoughts bouncing around in my brain. also why is the spacing so weird help

No worries if you don't have the time/energy but Ceres I think you should write a fic

Btw Wolfe is also autistic I'm assuming. I cannot imagine Santi wanting to date anyone neurotypical.

Imagine early in their relationship- like immediately post stormcrow- whenever Santi tries to talk to Wolfe he just tells himself make eye contact make eye contact make eye contact because apparently people think you don't like them if you don't look at their eyes and Santi wants Wolfe to know he likes him. Meanwhile Wolfe is going why is he trying to make eye contact with me no stop gross. Eventually the disaster gays COMMUNICATE and realize they both hate eye contact and they're both good with that.

Skin picking yes SO true. I can't remember the title but I read a fic where Santi picked at the burn scar (the Philadelphia one) when he was stressed and this has been promoted to canon. Also thank you for warning but this sign won't stop me because I can't read and now I want to pick at my face.

More thoughts on Wolfe and Santi both being autistic: They love to infodump to one another and they both love to be infodumped to. Wolfe goes on for two hours about some obscure historical fact and Santi is just about ready to propose. They also both love parallel play a lot. Not talking just existing in the same space (and probably reading because they're fuckin nerds).

Oh man oh fuck so many thoughts about them

[neurospicy]

I’m feeling really down on myself and stuck in my feelings today. I know there are people out there who have a lot harder lives, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not happy with who I am or the lack of progress I’ve made in life.

I haven’t accomplished anything since I graduated high school. In 2009. And I didn’t even graduate from a normal high school, I had to graduate from an alternative school because I had so many issues. I feel like I see all my weaknesses so clearly, yet I can’t see any strengths in myself. I didn’t get any of the positive aspects of being autistic or having adhd. I only got the struggles.

I’m not twice exceptional. I don’t have any talent, but I do have a learning disability. I am entirely debilitated by my neurodivergence. I don’t have anything to make up for the struggles either; I’m constantly fatigued and fighting through brain fog. My executive dysfunction is so extreme that it often takes me hours of trying to hype myself up in order to just get ready for the day because the process feels so daunting. I often skip meals because I can’t get myself to go through all of the steps to make it. Sometimes I can’t even get myself to get up and get takeout until everything is already closed, but I can’t afford the extra charge for delivery because I can’t seem to hold a job for more than 6 months without getting fired for my forgetfulness or social difficulties. Sometimes I’m just frozen, and I can’t do anything. All I can do is sit and spiral like I am now, because I’m aware of how profoundly dysfunctional I am, yet there is nothing out there to help me, and I can’t stop being me.

I like to write, yet I can’t seem to organize my thoughts into anything cohesive. I jump around. I change subjects. I can’t explain how I tie one idea to the next. I’m wildly intuitive, but I’m so socially awkward that I have trouble being personable with clients during my tarot readings. I have so many ideas that I just simply don’t have the skills or artistic ability to do anything useful with. I feel trapped inside myself, like I have no potential because any potential that I do have is crossed out by my particular brand of adhd and autism, like I have no capability to show any of it to the outside world, no matter how many times I try and try and revise and adapt and try again, it all results in failure and burn out.

And honestly, it isn’t anybody’s fault but it feels so alienating even in the adhd and autistic communities because it seems like everyone else is at least able to TRY to function. It seems mostly everyone has a job that they’ve been able to keep, that they’re financially independent, that they can manage their money on their own, follow a schedule or a routine, or at least have the physical and mental energy to pursue their own thing. Everyone else in the community seems to have some special artistic or intellectual ability that helps them stand out or fend for themselves in a neurotypical world.

That isn’t to say that it’s easy for them or that they don’t have to work twice as hard as a neurotypical would to get to the same place. That also isn’t to say that it doesn’t have consequences or impact their mental health. It’s just that I don’t even seem to have the option, because I put in every ounce of anything I have and I still fall short. I’m sacrificing my mental and physical health and still failing at everything I touch. It’s like I don’t even have the capacity to be able to be the person I want. I don’t even have the capacity to be the failure I am without falling apart.

[differenttriumphdragon]

More Orbulon Headcanons Cause He Won't Get Out Of My Head

Orbulon has no preference in pronouns, and doesn't even really understand what they are. He technically goes by he/him since that's what everyone else calls him, but he won't object to being called anything else. (You know that one comic about Eggman trying to learn Knuckles's pronouns? Orby is Knuckles.)

In addition to his telepathy, Orbulon has some technopathy ability. His body gives off a WiFi signal (the name of which he can change at will), and he can text and call others with his mind. (Because of this, he does not have his own phone.)

He gets a pleasant tingly feeling when someone connects to him. Spitz will make a show of turning off his phone if he starts being too much of a pain.

Orbulon considers Dribble and Spitz to be his closest confidants out of the cast; since they're Sci-fi fans, he feels more comfortable that they'll be accepting of his more...out-there traits.

For their part, Dribble and Spitz really do care about the guy, and they can tell he genuinely wants to help people, even if he doesn't always know how. They aren't exactly keen on him calling them his "favorite underlings", but they'll still lend a hand if he needs it.

He's also fond of the Crygors, appreciating their scientific minds, even if he does think himself superior. And while he isn't exactly looking for romance, he certainly wouldn't be opposed to "exploring" a certain karaoke robot if the opportunity arose...

By Earth definition, Orbulon is neurodivergent. He has zero idea how to socialize, tends to be distracted, and often needs to be physically stopped from infodumping about whatever topic happens to come up in passing.

As for his own species...he doesn't exactly have a frame of reference. Being around Earth for a whole millennium hasn't done wonders for his memory, and even Dribble and Spitz have never met another alien like him. He can't communicate with the Alien Bunnies outside of giving them orders, so they can't help, either. He's not even sure the bunnies are entirely sentient.

It's rare, but on the occasion that Orbulon is genuinely panicked or distressed, his telepathy will go haywire; his thoughts will start to "spill out", and everyone (organic) in the vicinity will be able to hear them. The worse he feels, the louder his thoughts get.

Orby has a lot of trouble getting alcohol due to his lack of Earth ID and child-like preferred form, but when he does it has about the same effect that it would on a human. He is one hell of a lightweight and will be out cold very quickly.

While he's still awake, Drunk Orbulon is a bundle of energy and scientific curiosity, and is FAR more likely to do something incredibly dangerous in the name of "research".

On the slim chance that he DOES do something compromising, or his bad luck is at its absolute worst, Orbulon does have a contingency in place...

[transsexualhamlet]

🔥 bsd

abs;iofdhiob;gof;wefw you're the second one that's asked this<3 help<3 the good thing is i have so many unpopular opinions on bsd and i will never run out

I see so many theories that see Dazai as related to the Book Lore in the way of he's made from the book / he's aware that he's in a book / he's in some other way not a normal part of the bsd universe and I don't know, they always just sit the wrong way with me. I've heard people say "oh the reason he's always trying to commit suicide is because he's aware he's in fiction"???? bestie he's trying to commit suicide because he's severely depressed

I don't really like the fourth wall breaking stuff with that in general, but if anyone's really related to the book, I think that it's Oda, not Dazai. Dazai may be constantly and continuously fucked over by the book and the writer of it, and in some ways he might consider the idea in his head, but the thought that his detachment and depression surrounding this world is because of some outside force, that his alienation and feeling that he is fundamentally different from the rest is because he's Literally Not The Same really invalidates the very real issues his character is all about.

Esp related to no longer human, I think one of the very important things about it is that Dazai's real feelings in that book ARE relatable and ARE human feelings, despite all he's thought about them- it's about neurodivergence, it's about mental illness, it's about the very human environment he grew up in. Taking those as applied to bsd Dazai (which, you know, those two are in fact connected) and blaming them on. Supernatural bullshit. Just really makes me feel like you missed the whole point.

Same thing with Fyodor, because I've also seen "fyodor is part of the book" discourse and, yknow. Same deal.

Fyodor and Dazai are both desperately trying to reach for that book and that ability for change, but they are just as much characters and human beings in that universe as everyone else and considering them otherwise makes me sad and angry.

So there you have my hot take, now i will go and answer my SECOND bsd unpopular opinion ask :)

[itstheelvenjedi]

TW: ableism, bullying, violence, very ranty, some ableist slurs (they’re not written out but they’re mentioned in-context/as I talk about what I’ve experienced over the years, fuck off, don’t be a clown)

I’ve been thinking about this a lot this weekend specifically, had a convo with dad in the car that ended up being sorta a little bit triggering ig that set it off.

No one ever talks about how alienating it is to grow up disabled. I’ve always been disabled, from the moment I was old enough to have memories of anything, my legs have been messed up. And it’s never gotten better, it’s only gotten worse. And even tho I wasn’t officially diagnosed till I was 21, I’ve always been neurodivergent growing up. But I didn’t have that diagnosis, so I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me. That it was my fault that I was hyper-interested in things that were “unimportant” to other prepubescent children my age and absolutely not interested in the other things (that was also the closet queer showing but that’s not as relevant to this particular talk post so I’m not gonna dwell on it) And no one likes to talk about what it’s like to deal with that. Because the truth is it’s a lot of SHIT.

How everyone’s default, whether abled people or even other disabled people is always “someone has it worse, stop making excuses so you don’t have to do stuff”

As if we enjoy not being able to do these things and it’s not, you know....incredibly dehumanising, upsetting and FRUSTRATING to not be able to do the simplest fucking thing for yourself without help. Cause unless you have money coming out your ass and can pay for any and all adaptations you need then you’re in trouble (I’ve been having these issues with the local ppl for years and I’m sick to death of it)

I KNOW the situation for SSI/SSDI or whatever it’s called in the states is worse and at least we have the NHS here, but that should not invalidate bad experiences that disabled people here have to go through too.

Like the people doing the “disability assessments” being a bunch of able-bodied pencil pushers who will sit there and tell you that “you’re not trying hard enough” to do something that they take for granted which is literally impossible for you and that’s the fucking point of it. Or that they do not seem to understand what the phrase “from birth” fucking means. It means I was born like this and I will DIE like this, jackass. So it’s not going to “need different care in 3 years time so you’ll have to do another assessment”

You know what’s more harmful for us? Having to re-apply with the same motherfucking information every 3 years, when nothing has changed. It’s stressful as fuck, and it’s humiliating as fuck too! I’m sick and tired of being told it’s “necessary” for me to have to basically take an exam every 3 years to “prove I struggle enough with my disability” just so I can get aid to pay for the help that I need to survive.

Trust me, I’d rather be fucking working a “proper” job too, but nobody wants to make allowances for my shortcomings and I’m done with making my pain and injuries worse than they already are just to please fucking ableds. I’m done with being a “volunteer” who’s expected to do part-time hours for no pay while I get verbally abused for “not doing a good enough job” because what I did was the best I’m physically able to fucking give you, Susan, I’m fucking crippled.

And for the most part I think I’m over the early trauma from my school years, but nobody ever talked about, or prepared me for, the physical and verbal abuse I’d endure from my classmates for shit I literally couldn’t control.

I still feel weird calling anybody a “friend” tbh, and it takes me a long time trusting people, because my “friends” during my formative years were just nice to my face so they could then get “more material” to take to the rest of the school so they could mock me and call me slurs (like the r word, the s word, and “weirdo” and “fucking freak”, and “the one who runs like an s-word horse”)

Or how I had to literally be taken out of PE/Gym lessons for my own fucking protection because the team that “lost” because they got “stuck with the fucking s word/r word freak” (me) lost, and I’d get the shit beaten out of me for....not being able bodied ig?? I’m sorry it’s so problematic for you, ableds. I hate it too.

I hate that I spent so much of my childhood with internalised ableism where I’d either feel like I shouldn’t exist at all, or I’d wish “my disability was worse and I’d be in a wheelchair, because then at least people would take me seriously and not hurt me as much”.

And I hate how nobody, but ESPECIALLY abled people, wants to acknowledge this shit. How the first response to disabled and disabled + ND people talking about the impact their symptoms have on their life is

“well someone else has it worse” or “well it’s not ACTUALLY that bad”

tw: capslock and cussing

_________________________________________________________

BITCH. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW, YOU’RE ABLE-BODIED, YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT A DAY IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HOW MUCH PAIN I’M IN 24/7 AND HOW IT ENTIRELY AFFECTS MY DAY-TO-DAY LIFE AND ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE THINGS LIKE FUCKING EAT, BATHE, EXERCISE, DRIVE  AND EVEN SOCIALISE ETC. YOU DON’T. KNOW. SHIT.

_________________________________________________________

end of capslock

And the fact that my own dad is doing that shit, and gets arsey about it when I call him out on it, was very upsetting.

“It’s not your disability actually it’s the neurodivergence and if you just learnt to mask better you’d cope more”

as if my ND status has anything to do with my physical disability which causes me constant pain, even ON pain meds.

The pain meds don’t take the pain away,  motherfucker, they just tamp it down to a level where it’s (most of the time) “managable” and I can still attempt to do things in spite of the pain. But it still takes effort, a lot of effort, way more effort than you, an able-bodied person, have to put into doing the same thing.

The best that I can give as a disabled person is never “good enough”, because abled people will always assume that because they can do something easily/without thinking about it, that anyone else can and anyone who says they can’t is just LAZY, or STUPID or BOTH

I could probably honestly go on and on about this a lot more but I’d be talking mostly in circles at this point so I’m gonna stop myself here.

OK to RB, other disabled people feel free to add to this. Ableds CAN (and are encouraged) to reblog too but KEEP YOUR FUCKING PIEHOLES CLOSED. Thank u

[dukebee]

I’ve seen this post going around about how talking at the same time as other people is not a bad thing and can be due to cultural differences.

I didn’t want to add my words to that post because I think that there are things on that thread that are important to think about in their own right.

But I noticed that the versions I have seen are missing a huge chunk of the context of this conversational pattern for me, and that I know impacts a lot of people other than me as well.

Yes, some ND people have a hard time not interrupting. But. A lot of neurodivergent people also have auditory processing issues.

My ability to handle conversations where people speak at the same time depends on environment (are there other things setting off my senses?), familiarity with the speakers (how much attention does it take me to follow their speech patterns and word choices?), subject (how familiar am I with the subject and the words used to discuss it, is it a subject that calls for deeper thinking and analysis?), & my energy and spoon level at that time.

Often the balancing act of following a conversation makes it impossible for me to engage in the conversation. This is really frustrating. Really alienating. It’s hard to feel close to people when I cannot speak. I’m invested in the conversation (unless I hit sensory overload) and I care deeply about not missing what the people I care about are saying. I listen for those cues that someone needs time to calibrate their words due to a complicated thought or aphasia, because I know if I speak they may lose their words and never find them again. 

Between needing time to convert my thoughts to words, and needing extra time to buffer when I’m investing so much in listening, the times I have something to contribute I rarely do so because everyone else is speaking and things have moved on too far by the time there’s a gap for my words.

I don’t really like spending time in groups of more than 2 other people because it’s too hard to fit myself into the conversational pattern. And I always have to remember that as close as I may feel to people, it’s not likely to feel that way to them because I am not giving them the fabric of my being in the form of words.

[tiredbluejay]

The Infodump is Here

@supericelight I’m sorry in advance.

So. Jessin. I don’t have a visual representation because I can’t settle on a design for him. I know a few things about his appearance: he has pale orange eyes in all four of his regenerations, and his skin is completely opaque (as opposed to translucent as in humans and most Gallifreyans).

Simply put, he’s part TARDIS coral. In Ten’s console room, you can see the coral in its natural state in the columns. All TARDISes are grown from coral, manipulated into the exo-shell and internal dimensions and augmented with objects made from Block Transfer equations. (Block Transfer Mathematics can make “real” objects out of nothing but a series of equations; I don’t fully understand it either.) The coral makes up the base structure of a TARDIS, and the equipment used therein is made up of Block Transfer Equations.

Jessin, like all current members of his House, Nulltide, is a Gallifreyan with recombinant DNA composed of 80% Gallifreyan and 20% TARDIS coral. Nulltide’s genome was modified by hand to accept the coral DNA during its first generation in an effort to become what the House members sought to understand.

The founder, Caestus, was a brilliant engineer who developed technology powerful enough to stop the tides of the Arcadian Ocean and allow the city of Arcadia to be build without the threat of destruction looming over everyone’s heads. When her work was rendered obsolete by the ocean being burned away, she turned her attention to developing technology for TARDISes, and found them impossible to understand due to their semi-autonomous nature and ability to reject things that they felt did not suit them. So she gave up after a few centuries and remarked to her cousins, “We cannot hope to understand that which we are not.”

Renva took this a bit too literally, deciding to solve the problem by having their next generation become (part) TARDIS. He stole TARDIS coral from the Black Hole Shipyard, integrated it into the House’s loom, and started creating new cousins. Everything went downhill for a while; the rest of House Nulltide found out and realized that they couldn’t turn him over to the High Council for tampering with their genome because they’d strike all of Nulltide from history, not just Renva. They had to fix his mess without alerting anyone else.

Caestus thought his solution was brilliant and worked with him to stabilize the hybrid DNA, as the initial genome was highly volatile and caused their new cousins to die within days or hours of being created. After many trials, many deaths, and their Housekeeper begging them to stop because she couldn’t take losing any more children, they finally stabilized it enough. It wasn’t perfect, though.

Their new cousins only had three regenerations (four total bodies) instead of the usual twelve, and with each regeneration, their DNA would become more and more unstable until it ripped itself apart during a failed fourth regeneration. They had an insatiable longing for the Time Vortex, to the point where they’d steal a TARDIS, disable her curiosity circuit, and stay in the Vortex with her until someone came to retrieve them. Eventually the other Nulltide cousins figured out how to engage the hybrids enough to drown out the pull of the Vortex.

House Nulltide is forbidden from becoming Time Lords because of their past renegade problem. They can take classes at the Patrex Academy but cannot attend the Time Academy in any capacity. Nowadays, they’re brilliant TARDIS engineers and have developed almost all defense systems on TARDISes Types 38 and later. Part of the reason for their success is their ability to speak to TARDISes as if they were fellow Gallifreyans. It looks to outsiders like they’re talking to themselves when they do, as TARDISes are purely telepathic. They consider TARDISes to their sisters, while TARDISes see them as nieces and nephews, as they are the hybrid children of one of their own.

Their existence is unsettling to pure Gallifreyans at best and mildly painful at worst. It’s very similar to the uncanny valley—they look almost exactly like pure Gallifreyans, but there’s always something off (the opaque skin, the pale orange eyes, the spacey attitude, the way they just know things they have no way of knowing). Other Gallifreyans can sense that there’s something “wrong” with Nulltide, but they can’t pinpoint what it is, and that’s enough to put them on edge.

Jessin himself is the youngest member of House Nulltide, barely 116 years old when he leaves Gallifrey. That makes him about 14-15 in terms of how humans develop. He was attending the Patrex Academy and had been about to graduate with a focus in TARDIS Repair and Maintenance, but unfortunately, he got expelled. Young Gallifreyans, much like young humans, can be rather cruel when they can tell there’s something not normal about an individual. Some classmates of his from more respected Houses told him they wanted help studying for exams, rigged a console to explode in his face, and made him take the fall for it.

He’s used to being one of the smartest people in the room, especially where TARDIS repair is concerned, having created a method to save dying TARDISes who are deleting their own pocket dimensions due to a failed subroutine at just shy of 95 years old. He created this method to save a Type 50 he’d been working on since he entered the Patrex Academy, but he only figured it out fully when it was too late to save her.

When the Master arrived on Gallifrey (not by choice, mind you) sometime before Castrovalva, his TARDIS was suffering from the same failed subroutine, and Jessin was quick to jump on the chance to save her. The Master wasn’t too thrilled by the idea of taking a companion, especially one so young, but faced with his TARDIS’ imminent death, he had no other choice. Things get especially complicated when the other reason Jessin is so willing to help is revealed: he mistook the Master for the Doctor, since they’re both Prydonian Renegades with Old-Type TARDISes.

Away from Gallifrey for the first time in his life, racing against time to save a dying TARDIS, and worrying about the stability of this new branch timeline he’s created, Jessin is Stressed. It’s starting to hit him that while he is brilliant, outside of TARDIS repair, he doesn’t know much of anything at all. And on top of that, he’s starting to doubt that his new friend is who he says he is, because he doesn’t act much like the Doctor at all.

Jessin is sweet and naïve. He prefers to believe most beings are well-intentioned and kind even if he knows that’s not true, and he tries to focus on the best-case scenario outcomes because considering the less-than-ideal possibilities stresses him out a lot. He’s also insecure about his age relative to his intelligence, often getting frustrated when people dismiss him as a child or as ignorant when they won’t bother explaining anything to him. Where other Gallifreyans find him unsettling purely due to his hybrid nature, he finds non-hybrids and non-TARDISes very confusing and funny, but he’s willing to make an effort to understand them.

He has trouble paying attention to everything happening in his physical environment because TARDISes are so much more interesting and can keep his attention with very little effort. This has led to others remarking that he’s “Not quite here.” There are times when he comes across as rude due to not paying enough attention to the beings around him. He rambles a lot, mostly because he gets off track. For example, he’ll start talking about topic A, which is tangentially related to topic B, and mid-sentence switch to talking about topic B.

He loves to collect broken alien tech and see what he can make out of it. It’s very rare for the things he makes to work the way he intends them to, if they work at all, but he has fun and it keeps his hands busy. When he isn’t messing with some random bit of alien tech or working on repairs, he’s usually rubbing the grip of his multipurpose sonic tool or playing with the hems of his clothes while he tries to figure out something to do. He’s also very particular about the things he makes and collects, gets agitated when people move them or touch them without asking, and doesn’t care much for trying to name his creations.

I need to stop before I go on for another two pages. His story is very long and complicated, and he is just the embodiment of the anxieties of being a gifted kid whose peers caught up in high school, growing up as a neurodivergent queer kid in a very Catholic community, my dissociation from being truly human, and my experiences with idolizing the wrong people for the wrong reasons. I want him to wear Ouji and/or Boystyle because he has absolutely no happy ending and his entire story is one big Break the Cutie and he needs something cute and happy, goddamnit!