#believe it or not it was about pregnancy n miscarriaging

[writtenapoiogy]

home; jacaerys velaryon

pairing: jacaerys velaryon x f!reader

summary: 'You were 20 weeks pregnant when Jacaerys and the Queen had deemed Dragonstone no longer safe for you and the babe. You were to be sent to Winterfell where your safety would be secured. Or so Jace thought.'

word count: 3.8k

warnings: nsfw, 18+, smut, MINORS DNI, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, pregnancy sex, slight hair pulling, some dirty talk, jace is obsessed with readers belly, ALSO-- ANGST, pregnancy, miscarriage, blood, hurt and comfort, and sadness PROBABLY SOME OTHER STUFF I FORGOT

a/n: i don't go too in-depth about the miscarriage but it is known that she has one ALSO THIS IS THE MOST IVE WRITTEN EVER???? yall it took me TEN days to write this... anyway i hope you guys enjoy it <333

You stood watching the Dragons soar above the castle. Your hands sat clasped under your growing belly. You heard footsteps approach from behind you. You were pleased to see Jacaerys yet shocked to see the Queen trailing closely behind. You didn’t see Rhaenyra much unless she had matters to discuss involving the war— more specifically what you could do to help.

“Jace,” you smiled before curtsying to Rhaenyra. “Your grace. Is everything all right?”

Jace came up beside you and placed a soft kiss on your cheek. His hand came to rest on your belly; something he did regularly since you two found out you were with child.

Rhaenyra smiled at the happy couple. “How’s the babe, Princess?” Her question was genuine. She was very happy for you and the prince.

You smiled and placed your hand on top of Jace’s, “He’s moving a lot more.���

“He?” The Queen exclaimed.

Jacaerys chimed in, “The princess believes we are having a boy. I think it is a girl.”

Though it was nothing but harmless small talk you couldn’t help but think there was something more they came up here to talk to you about. “Not that I don’t enjoy your presence, your grace, but I can’t help but wonder if there is some other reason you came up here with my husband.”

Jace stepped away from you and you looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. A feeling of worry and impending doom took over. The worst of the worst flooded your thoughts. You took a deep breath, “Was there a raven from the North? I-is my brother okay?” You tried to remain calm but the thought alone had you hyperventilating.

“Hey, hey. Shhh.” Jacaerys cupped your face to calm you down. “Everything is alright, my love. Everything is safe up north.” More than one meaning was behind his words. He kissed your forehead as you caught your breath before you had a panic attack. “Which is why you must go.”

What? You must’ve not heard the prince correctly.

“Beg your pardon?” Your eyes went from your husband to his mother quickly. The Queen, however, did not move. She let you and the prince talk this through.

Jacaerys grabbed your attention again. “You are not safe here. Neither of you.” He looked down at your belly. Worry dripped from his words. After losing Lucerys he couldn’t survive if he lost you too— the both of you. What is a man without his wife and child?

“Yet Dragonstone is safe for you?” You couldn’t believe what he was saying. You are going through something that should be faced together as a couple. Together as a family.

Jace took a deep breath. It was going to be harder to convince you than he originally thought. “It’s different.”

“How? How is it different, Jacaerys?” You quipped

“Because you cannot fight. We don’t need you to fight. I don’t need you to fight. I just need you and our future prince or princess to be safe. And that is not here. It cannot be here.” Jacaerys’ words punched a hole in your chest.

You felt so useless. You knew how to fight. It was one of your favorite pastimes with Cregan. But due to you being with child, it seemed to have left you feeling worthless. You stormed past the two of them, heading inside the castle.

You headed down a corridor for your bedchamber with hot tears running down your cheeks.

Rhaenyra was quick to follow you inside.“Princess,” the queen spoke gaining your attention. “Every day that that babe grows and flourishes inside of you, you are helping my claim and your husbands. You’re helping us win. That is why we need you in Winterfell, with your brother and his men, so that you will be safe.” Rhaenyra and Jacaerys had spoken about this before they came outside to find you. They knew that this was the best way to secure your family’s future. They just needed you to see that too.

She was right. You had the crown prince’s child growing within you. And keeping you safe is keeping the baby safe. “Okay, your grace. I will go.” You continued, rubbing your belly. “For our protection.”

“It must be tonight, Princess. Once you are farther along it will be too dangerous for you to fly.”

You nodded at your queen and headed to your chambers to gather what things you could.

Within hours you were atop Vermax, your arms wrapped tightly around your husband. The air grew crisp and cold as you flew closer to Winterfell. You buried your face into Jace’s shoulder. You inhaled his scent, never wanting him to leave you. You knew that this was necessary. You held part of the succession to the Iron Throne inside of you.

You landed fairly close to the entrance of Winterfell. You embraced the cold air then you looked at Jacaerys who looked as if he might turn into a popsicle at any given moment.

Cregan called your name as you walked through the doors into Winterfell with the prince by your side. You picked up your pace and threw your arms over your older brother’s shoulders. It had been a while since you last saw him. He squeezed you tightly. After your brother had passed, it was always the two of you. Protecting and comforting each other.

After separating from your embrace you both looked at Jace.

“Could we go inside? Preferably by a warm freshly lit hearth?” The crown prince’s teeth chattered together. His arms wrapped around his chest to preserve heat.

“Always a dramatic to our cool air, my prince.” Cregan jested.

Jacaerys scoffed, “Cool is drastically an understatement, my lord. Sea breeze is cool. This is whatever the complete opposite of dragon fire would be.”

You tried and failed to bite back your smile as you stuck your hand out to Jace. “C’mon my icicle.”

You and Cregan had convinced Jace to stay for supper and to spend one night in the castle before heading back down south.

You were in your nightclothes, standing in front of a warm fire. So much had happened in just a day. Your day had started in Dragonstone and had ended in Winterfell. All you could think about as you looked into the flames was your future with Jacaerys. What the future would hold when this dreadful war was over. What life would be like with your little family on Dragonstone.

Jacaerys walked up behind you and brought his hands to rest on your plump belly. He placed feather-light kisses on your neck, making you relax into him. He rutted his hips against your arse. You felt his hardness against you.

“Jacaerys.” You warned. You brought your hand to the back of his head when the kisses to your neck got rougher. You spun around and as you went to slot your lips together, Jacaerys began to back away pulling you with him. He made you yearn for his kiss, a devilish smirk adorning his face.

You followed him entranced. You climbed into his lap as he sat on the bed. Jace rid you of your gown. Your arms fell to his shoulders, using him to steady yourself. He wrapped a strong arm across your back. He ran his unoccupied hand across your full stomach before running his hand up to cup your plump breast.

You let a whine out at your husband’s touch. His hands left a trail of molten lava on every inch of you they touched. You’ve been ultrasensitive to his touch recently. “Someone will hear us.”

“I do not care,” Jacaerys said bringing his hand to the nape of your neck, pulling you down to smash your lips together. He didn’t know the next time he would see you after tonight. He was going to make sure he left an imprint. He moved his head down giving you a second to breathe. Your foreheads rested together. “I am the crown prince. I will have my wife when I so please.”

You moaned, snaking a hand to the back of the prince’s head to pull his head back. He groaned in response. You felt wetness pool in your smallclothes. Staring down at the pale skin on his outstretched neck. You quickly made work of ridding him of the thin shirt. Not even bothering with removing his pants completely, you only freed his hardened length.

The two of you stared down at your hand wrapped around the top of his shaft. Jacaerys’ slick smirk faltered when you began to pump him slowly. The tip of his cock hit your stomach, eliciting a moan from the dark-haired boy. Droplets of precome dripping from the head, smearing on your stomach.

Your breath hitched, “Jace. I need you.”

“Then take me, darling.”

You let out a low whimper. You lifted your hips and ran his member down your folds til he reached your entrance. You leaned your forehead against his. You began to sit on his hardness. Feeling his cock enter you deliciously slow.

Jacaerys helped guide you down. You tensed, the burn from his size becoming too much.

Running a soothing hand along your spine, “Breath, my love. It is nothing you haven’t had before.” Jace rasped against your lips.

You took a deep breath in and tilted your forehead against Jacaerys’. You moaned as you exhaled—his cock had begun to slip inside of you as you adjusted to his size.

“That’s it. That’s my girl.” he moaned as he slid completely into you. He adjusted his grip so that his hands were at the base of your bottom, assisting you.

“Jace.” You whimpered feeling so full it was overwhelming. So full of him. So consumed by him. He was all around you. He was completely inside of you, everywhere. You carried his babe inside of you. His blood practically ran in your veins.

“Yes.” He groaned.

You attempted to move your hips to the best of your ability. But you were beginning to realize that your condition was going to be hindering your mobility. Especially while in bed with your husband. “I can’t anymore. I’m too-,” You tried to get out your words, exasperated by the difficulty this was causing you.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Jace reassured you. He helped move you so that you could lay on your side. After placing you on the bed he stripped the rest of his clothes off of his body.

He laid behind you so that the two of you were spooning. “You are so perfect.” Jacaerys praised you as he placed chaste kisses from your shoulder to your cheek and then to your neck.

You hummed at the words that left your husband’s mouth. You lifted your leg so he could guide his cock to your entrance. He slowly began to press into you, his hand which was once on his member, moved to your hip to completely push into you.

Jace had to squeeze his eyes shut hard to make sure he didn’t come too quickly. Your wet walls welcomed him in. They pulled him deep within your warmth. “Your sweet cunt is all mine, pretty.” He said into your ear, his voice coming out hoarse. He started to slowly thrust into you. He was so tender with you.

Jace had your walls clamping down on him within minutes. The angle at which he was rocking into you, made his cockhead hit that sweet spot deep inside of you leaving you a complete whimpering mess. You swear you could feel every detail of his member. The slight curve it had. And the vein that ran up the side— which you loved to trace with your tongue.

“Fuck.” He groaned into your ear. His hand moved to hold on to your belly, spurring his thrusts. He pumped into you harder now. He loved seeing the results of his actions. Seeing his seed having taken root and growing a beautiful life inside of you. It drove Jacaerys absolutely insane.

“Jace, it’s so-, Fuck!” You yelped at one particularly sharp thrust.

Jace brought his hand down to your sensitive cluster of nerves and drew figure eights. His hips snapped against your arse relentlessly. He loved the noises he was pulling from you as you attempted to keep quiet.

You turned your head back to face your husband as you felt your body begin to convulse. He covered your swollen lips as you let out a drawn-out mewl as you came. Pulsing around him, milking him for all he was worth.

The push and pull of your cunt caused his release to hit him hard and unexpectedly. He moaned into your mouth. He covered your walls in searing hot come. You two lapped your tongues at the others as Jace continued to slowly pump into you. Making sure he had emptied himself completely inside of you.

You winced as Jace pulled out. You hated the feeling of being empty, being without him.

He cleaned you up and you cuddled. One last night before gods knew how long.

One moon had passed since you last saw Jacaerys. And though you had not seen him, you had received a letter from him every other day. He expressed how much he missed and loved you deeply. How much he missed rubbing and kissing your belly. He worried the babe would forget his voice.

He told you that his uncles had been keeping a close look at the skies and that flying to you on a regular basis would do nothing but endanger the both of you. But he promised to fly to you when the babe arrived. He would be there for you. No matter what he would find a way.

You decided to take a stroll, needing a break from the interior of the castle. You were beginning to feel woozy and a change of scenery should do the trick. You had just begun your walk when your brother approached you. “Sister. What are your plans for this afternoon?”

“Read, and read, and then probably read some more.” You joked with the taller man.

Cregan smiled warmly. “What if I knew something fun we could do that does not involve dusty old books?”

“And what would that be dear brother?” You had missed your brother and your people. You knew no one other than Jacaerys down south.

He leaned down, closer to you, “Hunting.” Cregan said in a hushed whisper.

“Hunting? In my condition?” You could’ve let out an obscene laugh, but you didn’t. That would’ve been absurd for a princess.

“Our ancestors had been doing it for centuries. You don’t even have to get close to the animals.” Cregan bumped into your shoulder. “You always had a natural talent with a long bow.”

He was being truthful, however, you hadn’t picked up a bow or, any weapon for that matter, since you began your courtship with Jacaerys. That skill you once had probably dwindled to nothing. “Fine. Under one condition.”

“Anything. I have missed my sister, dearly.”

Your lips upturned into a smile, “We must stay close. If Jace sends a raven or by the grace of the Gods flies in, then I want to be near.”

“Deal.”

The two of you stepped just outside the gates of Winterfell. A quiver weighed heavy against your back, and your longbow sat comfortably on your shoulder. You welcomed the crisp air against your face. The war beams from the sun greeting your cheeks. Oh, how you missed the North. The South was beautiful but it would never compare— it would never quite feel like home.

You and your brother forgone your horses for this hunt since he promised you you would stay close to the wall. You missed hunting. You missed having a bow in your hands. The adrenaline rush it gave was unlike any other.

You were about a quarter mile from the gates when something felt terribly wrong. Cregan turned towards you as he heard your footfalls cease.

Your bow fell, your hands dropping down to your stomach. “Somethings wrong.” You blanched. You turned behind you and looked down noticing a trail of blood. “Cregan..” You gasped and just as you were about to collapse your brother rushed towards you, catching you in his arms.

Cregan had one arm under your knees and the other behind your back. He ran all the way back to the castle yelling for them to open the gates. His heart was pounding. He couldn’t lose his sister like this. He made it to your bedchamber with the Maester Kennet following closely behind.

As Cregan placed you in your bed the Maester tended to you swiftly. You moaned in pain. “This can’t be happening.”

“How far along is she?”

You spoke before your brother had the chance, “We only found out two moons ago.” Your sentence finished with a loud groan.

Cregan stood there frozen watching you in pain. His first wife had suffered a terrible fate at the birth of his son. But you were his baby sister and he needed to be there for you in the absence of your husband. He ran to your side taking a warm wet cloth from one of the handmaidens, dabbing it on your forehead.

“Send a raven to Jace. Please.” You said hoarsely to your brother.

“He won’t get it in time.”

“But he will get it. Please just tell him it is urgent. I need him here. I do not care.” You moaned in pain, lurching forward. “CREGAN GO PLEASE!”

The lord rushed down the hall, your screams fading. He quickly found a sheet of paper and wrote a message to the prince hoping he would receive it faster than normal.

“Where is she.”

When the prince arrived in Winterfell, he immediately sought Cregan. Finding him in the Great Hall. The letter Jacaerys received told him something was wrong with the babe and that he needed to come to the North as soon as he possibly could.

“She’s at the godswood.” Cregan looked destroyed. “She refuses to leave.”

Jacaerys went into the woods inside of Winterfell with a lantern since it was the dead of night— and way too cold for you to be out here in any state.

You didn’t turn your head when he called out your name nor when he placed his hand on your shoulder.

“Please look at me.” He pleaded. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that without me. I’m sorry we were apart.”

You turned to him sharply. Bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “We were apart because you decided. You sent me away. You sent me away to go through this alone.” Venom dripped from your words, not hiding your pain.

“I sent you home so you would be safe. So you could bear this child in a safe environment with your family.” Jace tried his hardest to make you understand why he did what he did. “I did what I thought was best.”

“And how did that work out Jacaerys?” You knew you shouldn’t be mad at him. It was a great loss for you both, but you needed to direct your anger, your hurt somewhere. “You are my home. I needed you, and you weren’t there.”

“I didn’t know this would happen. The queen needed me and she needed my dragon.” He let out an exasperated breath. “This war needs me!”

“More than I? Your wife?” Your words stung him. Tears welt up in his eyes, seeing you like this. Hearing you speak to him like this.

“Please,” Your name fell from his lips.

“You cannot believe that to be true.” You finally reached out and grabbed Jacaerys’ hands, pleading. “Just stay here with me. That way we don’t have to be apart again. We can guarantee each other’s safety.”

“I can’t.” The regret in his eyes was evident. He knew you needed his comfort. Husband and wife shouldn’t be separated the way you have been. He, however, feels that pull to the war. Jace will not be seen as the princeling who didn’t fight for his kingdom or his people. What kind of king would that make him in the future?

“Jacaerys, you can. Your mother has plenty of men to fight for her. She sent your brothers away for their safety. Why would she deny you the same luxury?”

“Their dragons aren’t grown-,” Jace began.

You cut him off, “And Vermax is?”

Jace exclaimed your name, frustrated, “Sending me away with Vermax means my mother is losing another dragon and dragon rider in a war between dragons.” He tried to compose himself not to raise his voice at you. “We cannot sit here and argue when there is a war going on. We just lost our child! I do not want to sit here and argue with my wife when I should be holding her.”

Your face softens. “So stay and hold me Jace. You can fly off with my brother in tow when the time comes. When you are needed. But for now, I need you here. I need you with me. Just come home. Your mother has to understand that. More than anyone. She should understand that.”

“I am home. Anywhere I am with you, I am home. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

You brought your hands up to his face, his face resting in your palm. The two of you were so young. Only ten and seven. He placed his hands on your back and closed the distance between you both. You and Jace relaxed into the kiss. Millions of emotions poured into one kiss.

You pulled yourself away from his lips. “There is something I want to show you.” You took his hand and walked him behind the beautiful weirwood tree. At the bottom of the stomp laid a carving of a baby girl.

Jacaerys gasped. “Is that-,” He started.

“Our beautiful little girl.”

He tried to hold his composure but it hurt so much. He blamed himself. A thousand maybes and what-ifs clouded his mind. He fell to his knees and traced the carving. “I am so sorry.” Jace started to sob.

You fell to the floor and embraced him. “Jace this isn’t your fault. There has been a lot going on. Maester Kennet said it could’ve happened no matter where I was. I was under a lot of stress, Jace. We are in the middle of a war.” You pulled away and wiped the tears from his cheeks.

He pulled you so that you were sitting in his lap. He held you tight, almost suffocating. “I love you. This will never happen again. We will never grieve a loss like this apart.”

“I love you most, Husband.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and buried your face into his neck.

“I won’t leave you again.”

“Good.”

divider creds: @cafekitsune

[kruxton]

just remembered a hurt/comfort fic of a haikyuu rarepair i read like two three years ago and im. Crying again

[nyrasvoid]

Through Love and Sorrow

♡︎ Gwayne Hightower x Fem!Reader

𖤓 Summary: After the joy of expecting their first child is shattered by a devastating miscarriage, Gwayne Hightower returns home to find his wife consumed by grief.

⚝ Warnings: Angst, Miscarriage, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Pregnancy Insecurities, Emotional Trauma.

⚝ A/N: this fic also includes a kinda mother-son relationship between reader and Daeron,btw sorry I haven’t posted anything in like two weeks lmao

-Word count: ≈4.4k

This fanfic is a request from a while ago (link)

You sat in your room, the sunlight pouring through the tall windows. Your hands moved skillfully with the needle and thread, working on a small attire—a delicate onesie you had lovingly made for your child, your first with Gwayne.

As you finished the final stitch, you glanced at the door, eager for Gwayne’s return. You had planned carefully how to share the wonderful news with him, and now the moment had arrived.

The door creaked open, and Gwayne stepped in, looking tired but his face brightening when he saw you. “My love,” he greeted, coming over to kiss your cheek. “You look especially happy today. What’s going on?”

You smiled and took his hand, guiding him to sit beside you. “I’ve been working on something,” you said. “And I want to show you.”

Gwayne watched as you pulled the small onesie from behind your back and placed it in his hands. His brow furrowed for a moment in confusion before realization dawned on him. He looked up at you, his eyes wide with disbelief and excitement.

“Is this…?” he started, his voice full of wonder.

You nodded, unable to keep the smile from your face. “Yes, Gwayne. We’re going to have a babe.”

He stared at you for a moment, the onesie still in his hands as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing.

Then, without warning, he pulled you into his arms, laughing with joy. “A babe! We’re going to have a child!” His voice was full of emotion, his grip on you tightening as he buried his face in your neck. “Gods, I’m the luckiest man alive.”

You laughed with him, feeling the warmth of his love surround you. He pulled back slightly, cupping your face in his hands as he kissed you deeply, then gently placed his hand on your belly. “I can’t believe it,” he whispered, as he got on one knee to kiss your barely swollen belly

“We’ll have a little one running around soon, with your beauty and wit,” Gwayne continued, his voice thick with emotion as he caressed your belly, where your child was beginning to grow. “We’ll teach them everything—how to ride, how to wield a sword, everything. I’ll be by your side through it all.”

You smiled, leaning into his touch. “And I’ll make sure they know how to be kind and strong, like their father.”

Gwayne laughed softly, his eyes sparkling with the kind of happiness that made your heart swell. “And stubborn like their mother, I’m sure.”

The days following the joyful news were some of the happiest of your life. Gwayne was attentive and loving, always making sure you had everything you needed, always talking about the future and the life you would build together. But as time went on, you began to be more worried and insecure.

The other ladies at court had spoken to you, sharing their experiences with childbirth—how their bodies had changed, how their husbands had sometimes seeked comfort elsewhere during those vulnerable weeks after the birth. They’d laugh softly, as if it were just a fact of life, but their words dug deep into your mind, planting seeds of doubt and fear.

You found yourself pulling away from Gwayne, unsure of how to voice your fears. He would come to you with that familiar smile, eager to talk about the babe or to spend time with you, but you would turn away, offering only brief responses, avoiding his touch.

It was not that you loved him any less—if anything, your love for him had only grown deeper—but the fear of losing him, of not being enough, was paralyzing.

One night, as you lay beside him in bed, the silence stretched on longer than usual. Gwayne finally turned to you, concern evident in his voice. “Darling, what’s wrong? You’ve been so distant lately. Have I done something to upset you?”

You stared up at the ceiling, your heart pounding in your chest. You didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to reveal the insecurities that had taken hold of you. But Gwayne was insistent, turning onto his side and taking your hand in his. “Please, my love. Talk to me.”

The words came slowly, hesitantly, as you struggled to express your feelings. “I… I’ve heard the other ladies at court talk,” you began, whispering.

“About how their bodies changed after childbirth, how they couldn’t… couldn’t be with their husbands for weeks, sometimes longer. And how their husbands…” You swallowed hard, unable to finish the thought.

Gwayne’s grip on your hand tightened as he waited for you to continue, his eyes fixed on your face, his worry deepening.

“They said their husbands sought comfort in other women,” you finally confessed, your voice breaking. “In whores. And I—I’m afraid, Gwayne. I’m afraid that I’ll change, that I won’t be… enough for you anymore. That you’ll look elsewhere.”

For a moment, there was silence. You didn’t dare look at him, too ashamed of the words you had spoken. But then Gwayne did something you didn’t expect. He started to laugh—a soft, warm chuckle that caught you off guard.

You turned to him, confused and a little hurt. “Gwayne, this isn’t funny—”

“No, no, it’s not that,” he said quickly, his laughter fading as he saw the tears in your eyes. He leaned in, brushing his lips against your forehead. “It’s just… the thought of me with anyone else is absurd. My love, you are my heart, my soul. There is no one in this world who could ever compare to you.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but he silenced you with a gentle kiss. “Listen to me,” he said, his tone serious now. “You are the only woman I want, the only woman I will ever want. The idea of seeking pleasure in someone else when I have you is ridiculous. Those other men—they’re fools. I would never betray you, never.”

You felt a rush of relief at his words, though the doubt still lingered. “But what if—”

“No what-ifs,” Gwayne interrupted, his hand moving to cup your cheek. “I swear to you, on every star in the sky, that I will never stray. And if any man tells you differently, I’ll knock his teeth out.”

A small laugh escaped you, despite yourself. Gwayne grinned, his eyes twinkling as he saw the smile return to your face. “See? There’s that smile I love so much. You’re going to be a wonderful mother, and we’re going to be a wonderful family. No matter what changes, I’ll be right here, by your side.”

That night, the two of you found solace in each other, and as you drifted off to sleep, you felt the fears that had plagued you begin to disappear, replaced by the strength of your bond and the love you shared.

---

A few weeks later, you, Gwayne, and Daeron sat at the dining table, enjoying a simple meal. Daeron was telling you about his day, his young face alight with enthusiasm as he described his lessons and adventures. You smiled fondly at him, listening intently as he spoke about a new bird he had seen in the gardens.

“And then it swooped down, right in front of me! I almost thought it would land on my shoulder like the falcons do on their keepers,” Daeron said, eyes wide with excitement.

Gwayne chuckled, ruffling the boy’s hair. You laughed softly, reaching out to squeeze Daeron’s hand. “You’re already quite the little adventurer. Perhaps one day you’ll ride with your uncle on his journeys.”

Daeron’s face lit up at the thought, and he looked eagerly at Gwayne. “Will you take me with you one day, Uncle?”

Gwayne smiled, “One day, certainly. But I’m afraid I have to leave again in three days’ time for an important matter in Blackcrown. I’ll only be gone for a month, maybe less.”

You felt a pang of worry at his words, though you did your best to hide it. You had hoped he wouldn’t need to leave again so soon, but you understood the responsibilities that came with his position. “Just promise me you’ll be back well before the babe is due,” you said. “I don’t want to have to deliver without you.”

Gwayne took your hand across the table, squeezing it reassuringly. “I’ll be back in plenty of time, I promise. Nothing could keep me from being here for you and our child.”

Daeron looked between the two of you, his eyes filled with a mix of concern and curiosity. “You’ll come back safe, right, Uncle?”

“Of course, Daeron,” Gwayne replied with a warm smile. “I’ll be back before you even have time to miss me.”

True to his word, Gwayne departed three days later. You and Daeron saw him off, Daeron clutching his uncle’s hand until the very last moment, and you pressing a kiss to Gwayne’s lips, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in your heart. As Gwayne rode away, you couldn’t help but feel a little sadness, but you reminded yourself that he would be back soon, that everything would be alright.

In the days and weeks that followed, you busied yourself with preparations for the babe. You spent hours knitting tiny clothes and blankets, imagining the child that would soon be in your arms. Daeron often kept you company, helping you with small tasks or just sitting nearby, chatting about his day.

One afternoon, you decided to take a walk in the woods with Daeron. The two of you had grown close over the years, and you cherished the bond you shared. As you walked along the familiar paths, Daeron spoke of his lessons.

“Auntie,” he began after a moment of comfortable silence.

Just as you were about to respond, a sharp, sudden pain shot through your abdomen, stealing your breath. You gasped, clutching at your belly as the pain intensified, bringing you to your knees.

“Auntie?” Daeron’s voice was laced with panic as he rushed to your side. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

The pain was unbearable, radiating through your entire body. You could barely find the words, but you managed to gasp, “Daeron, get help. Quickly.”

Daeron hesitated, his face pale with fear, but then he nodded. “I’ll be right back. Stay here, I’ll get help.” With that, he sprinted back toward the keep, his small legs carrying him as fast as they could.

You were left alone in the woods, the cold earth beneath you as the pain continued to wrack your body. You knew, deep down, that something was terribly wrong. Fear gripped you as you realized you might be losing the baby. Your heart ached with the thought, but there was nothing you could do except wait.

By the time help arrived, the miscarriage had already happened. The maids and guards who found you tried to help, but the damage was done. The life that had been growing inside you was gone, leaving you with an overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness.

Ignoring the advice of the maesters, who urged you to rest and be carried back to the keep, you walked on your own, numb to the world around you. The only thing on your mind was the baby you had lost and how Gwayne would react when he found out. You couldn’t bear the thought of seeing the disappointment in his eyes, even though you knew it wasn’t your fault.

Once you reached the keep, you went straight to the nursery. The small room that had been filled with so much hope and joy now felt empty and desolate. You sat down on the edge of the small bed, your hands trembling as you picked up the half-finished blanket you had been knitting for the babe.

Days passed in a blur. You couldn’t bring yourself to leave the nursery or eat. The maids came and went, offering food and kind words, but you paid them no mind. The world outside the nursery seemed to fade away, leaving you alone with your grief.

Daeron was the only one who could get through to you, even if just a little. He would visit you every day, sitting beside you and talking about anything and everything. His presence was a small comfort, a reminder that you were not entirely alone, even in your darkest moments.

One afternoon, Daeron came to the nursery as usual. He looked at you with concern. “Auntie, you have to eat something. The maesters say it’s important. Uncle Gwayne wouldn’t want you to get sick.”

You shook your head, still clutching the blanket. “I’m not hungry, Daeron. I just… I can’t.”

Daeron sighed, sitting down beside you. “I know you’re sad. I miss the babe too, even though I never got to meet them. But Uncle Gwayne will be back today. Maybe… maybe he can help you feel better.”

You didn’t respond, the weight of your grief pressing down on you. But Daeron’s words lingered in your mind. Gwayne was coming home. You weren’t sure how you would face him, how you would tell him about the baby, but you knew you couldn’t avoid it forever.

Daeron leaned in and gave you a hug, his small arms wrapped around you tightly. “I love you, auntie. And Uncle Gwayne does too. Don’t forget that.”

His simple words brought tears to your eyes, and you hugged him back. “I love you too, Daeron. Thank you.”

Daeron smiled up at you, his eyes full of warmth and understanding. He squeezed your hand before standing up to leave. “I’ll go and make sure everything is ready for Uncle Gwayne’s return. I’ll come back later, alright?”

You nodded, watching as he left the room. Alone again, you stared down at the blanket in your lap, running your fingers over the soft fabric. You had poured so much love into this tiny piece of cloth, and now it felt like a cruel reminder of what you had lost.

Hours later, you heard footsteps approaching the nursery. Your heart clenched with a mix of dread and longing. The door creaked open, and Gwayne entered, his expression filled with concern and urgency.

“My love?” His voice was soft, but it was filled with worry. He rushed to your side, kneeling before you as he gently took your hands in his. “Daeron told me… told me what happened.”

The tears you had been holding back finally spilled over, and you couldn’t stop them. “I lost the babe, Gwayne,” you choked out, your voice breaking. “I’m so sorry… I’m so, so sorry.”

Gwayne’s eyes filled with pain, but he quickly pulled you into his arms, holding you close as you wept. “Shh, it’s not your fault, my love. You have nothing to be sorry for,” he murmured, his voice soothing as he stroked your hair.

“I feel like I failed you,” you sobbed, clinging to him as if he were the only thing keeping you grounded. “I couldn’t protect our child…”

Gwayne pulled back just enough to look into your eyes, his own filled with unwavering love and determination. “Love, listen to me. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. You could never fail me, and this… this is not your fault. It was beyond our control, and I don’t blame you for a single moment.”

You searched his face, looking for any hint of disappointment or anger, but all you found was love and compassion. He kissed your forehead, his lips lingering there as he whispered, “We’re still young, my love. We have time, and we will have children—many, I hope. But right now, all that matters is you. I’m here for you, and we’ll get through this together.”

His words were like a balm to your wounded heart, easing some of the pain that had consumed you. You nodded, resting your head against his chest as you let out a shuddering breath. “I love you, Gwayne,” you whispered.

“And I love you,” he replied, holding you tightly. “More than anything in this world. We will get through this, I promise you that.”

Gwayne held you close for what felt like an eternity, letting you cry, letting you release the pain you’d been holding onto since the miscarriage. His presence was a steady comfort, a reminder that you weren’t alone, that he would be there for you no matter what.

After a long while, Gwayne pulled back slightly, brushing the tears from your cheeks with his thumb. “Come, my love,” he said gently. “Let’s get you out of here. We don’t have to stay in this room. We can go anywhere you’d like—anywhere that will bring you peace.”

You hesitated, looking around the nursery. The room had once been a place of joy and anticipation, but now it felt suffocating, a reminder of the loss you had suffered. You nodded slowly, realizing that staying here would only prolong your grief.

“Alright,” you whispered, letting him help you to your feet. You wavered slightly, still feeling weak, but Gwayne was there to steady you, his arm wrapped securely around your waist.

As you left the nursery together, you found yourself leaning on Gwayne more than ever before. He didn’t mind, guiding you gently through the halls of the keep, away from the place that had brought you so much pain. He led you to your chambers, where a fire had been lit, casting a warm, comforting glow over the room.

Gwayne helped you sit by the fire, then knelt beside you, taking your hands in his again. “You don’t have to be strong right now,” he said softly. “Let me take care of you.”

You nodded, too drained to argue, too weary to pretend that you could handle this on your own. Gwayne stayed by your side, talking to you quietly, telling you stories from his travels, stories meant to distract you, to bring a small smile to your face. He was patient, understanding, never pushing you to talk about the miscarriage, but always offering comfort in whatever way he could.

A few days later, when you had gathered enough strength to leave your chambers, Gwayne took you out to the gardens. The air was crisp, and the scent of blooming flowers filled your senses. It was a welcome change from the stifling atmosphere of the keep.

As you walked together, Gwayne kept his arm around you, his presence a steady reassurance. You were quiet for a while, lost in your thoughts, but eventually, Gwayne broke the silence.

“Do you remember the first time we walked through these gardens?” he asked, a hint of a smile in his voice.

You looked up at him, nodding slowly. “I do. You tried to impress me with your knowledge of every flower and plant.”

He chuckled softly. “And I failed miserably, didn’t I? You knew more about the flowers than I did.”

“You were charming, though,” you admitted, a small smile tugging at your lips. “I fell in love with you that day.”

Gwayne’s smile widened, and he pressed a kiss to your temple. “And I’ve been falling in love with you every day since.”

As you continued to walk, you felt some of the tension ease from your shoulders. The pain of losing the babe was still there, and you knew it would take time to heal, but with Gwayne by your side, you felt a glimmer of hope.

Later that evening, as you sat by the fire in your chambers, Gwayne brought out a small wooden box. “I have something for you,” he said, his tone soft, almost hesitant.

You looked at him curiously as he handed you the box. When you opened it, you found a delicate necklace inside, the pendant a small, intricately carved locket.

“It belonged to my mother,” Gwayne explained. “She gave it to me before she passed, and I’ve kept it all these years. I was waiting for the right moment to give it to you.”

Tears welled in your eyes as you looked at the beautiful locket, your heart swelling with emotion. “Gwayne, it’s beautiful,” you whispered.

He took the locket from the box and fastened it around your neck, his fingers brushing against your skin as he did so. “I wanted you to have something that reminds you that you’re never alone,” he said, his voice filled with tenderness. “Whenever you feel lost, or when the grief feels too much, just remember that I’m here, and that I’ll always be here.”

You touched the locket, feeling the cool metal beneath your fingers, and nodded. “Thank you,” you whispered, your voice thick with emotion. “I’ll treasure it always.”

Gwayne smiled, as he leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips, a kiss that was filled with the promise of a future together, a future that, despite the loss you had endured, would still be full of love and hope.

In that moment, you knew that with Gwayne by your side, you could face whatever challenges life threw your way. The grief would not disappear overnight, and the road to healing would be long, but you would walk it together, hand in hand, and eventually, you would find peace.

P.S: i’m sorry my paragraphs look so separated but I have bad eyesight and I can’t read it well if I don’t separate lmao

[22ayla19]

Jiyan x Pregnant! reader PART I

As the wife of a general, you rarely saw your husband at home, but even so, in those rare moments when you spend time together, you try to enjoy so as not to forget them. After all, no one knows whether tomorrow or the day after tomorrow your husband will be alive.

Once again you accompany your husband to the gate and sadly look back at his departing figure. The next time you see him, you're not sure. Maybe in a month, maybe in two or three. No matter how many months pass, you will still be waiting for Jiyan.

However, a week after your husband left, you began to feel sick in the morning. Without being stupid and remembering that about a week ago you had sex with Jiyan, this could mean that you are pregnant. Of course, you bought a pregnancy test and checked your guesses, which in the end turned out to be correct.

Not knowing what to do in such a situation, you went to the hospital where your mother-in-law works. She, as a doctor and as a woman who has gone through pregnancy, will be able to tell you what to do, because in the early stages there is a possibility of miscarriage, and given your position as the wife of a general, who often puts her life on the line on the battlefield, there may be a high probability of miscarriage. How are you worried about him?

- Hello, mom. How are you doing? - you asked after knocking in your mother-in-law’s office. You didn’t even call her mother-in-law or her name, because she became a real mother to you. You grew up without a mother who died during childbirth. She was in the care of her father. You didn’t complain about life, because others could have had it worse, but your father didn’t stay with you for long, he died a couple of years ago. And when you first met Jiyan’s mother, you cried because of how much you missed your mother. The woman warmed to you and accepted you as her daughter.

- (Y/N), dear! Come in, come in! I haven’t seen you like that for a long time,- the woman hugged you, to which you happily responded.

- Sorry for not visiting, it’s work,- you answered the woman guiltily.

- Don’t worry, you have your own life, that’s why it’s understandable that you’re busy, sit down.

After chatting a bit about Jiyan's return and the latest news, you gathered your strength to share the good news.

- Mom, I really came to you with good news, - rummaging in your bag, you pulled out a pregnancy test and handed it to your mother-in-law. At first the woman did not understand why you wanted to please her. Taking the pregnancy test into her own hands, the woman’s smile became even wider.

- Will I become a grandmother? - the mother-in-law asked, not believing the test.

- You will become a grandmother, - you answered calmly, but just as happily.

- My congratulations, dear! How happy I am for you! Does Jiyan even know?

- No, I just found out that I’m pregnant a couple of days ago, and he’s been gone for almost two weeks, - you explained. You were already about to say something, like advice for pregnant women, when your father-in-law came into the office.

- Why are you happy here without me? Did something good happen? - asked the man.

- Rejoice, old brat. You will become a grandfather! - the wife shouted joyfully.

- Come on! (Y/N), dear, are you really pregnant? - The man asked you, not believing his wife’s words.

- Yes, father. I am pregnant.

The man smiled with all his teeth and joyfully said that now his colleagues would envy him that he became a grandfather before them. We laughed a lot at the man’s words, but the uncertainty immediately disappeared when we saw their loving glances.

Over the next months, while Jiyan was away, his parents helped you in any way they could. The main thing was that they supported you morally, because you were still worried about your husband. Another point where they helped you was with a medical examination, you underwent it on their advice once or twice a month. You decided not to find out the sex of the child ahead of time, let it be a surprise for everyone, no matter who it is, a boy or a girl.

Soon it was announced that the general would return, which means he will soon find out that he will become a father. The belly has already become more noticeable, although this is not surprising considering that I am already 4 months pregnant.

It was evening outside, you were in the living room with your mother-in-law and were talking about different topics. She often came and helped around the house more than once, saying: “You’re in a position, so it’s better to rest and walk more. I’ll cook you delicious, but healthy food at the same time.”

While you were chatting, the front door opened.

- I’ll go check who’s there, - said the future grandmother.

You remained in the living room, sitting on the sofa. Expecting to hear at least some voices, but somehow everything was suspiciously quiet.

Meanwhile, in the corridor, the woman met her son, who had returned from the border zone. Jiyan wanted to ask what his mother was doing in his house, but she told him to remain silent and quietly, so that you wouldn’t hear, told him to go to the living room, where you had prepared a surprise for him.

Jiyan was confused, what have you prepared that even his mother is participating in your idea? Quietly entering the living room, he greeted you, thereby frightening you.

- I’m sorry, dear, that I scared you, - the general said guiltily.

- It’s okay, I’m glad you returned safe and sound,- you replied. Jiyan didn’t immediately realize that you were pregnant, because you covered your stomach with a blanket.

- Mom, she said that you had prepared a surprise for me. Curious to know what it is?

- Well, the surprise itself is not ready yet. It will be ready only after another 5 months, - you answered your husband with a mischievous smile.

- That is?

You didn’t leave your husband thinking for long and took off the blanket. Jiyan's eyes widened in surprise. He remembered leaving and leaving you for a couple of months, but he didn’t know you were pregnant.

-Are you pregnant? - A lot of emotions were reflected on the general’s face. And joy, and fear, and surprise. He did not expect that he would soon become a father, he was very happy to realize this, but with this comes fear. Fear of losing you and your unborn child.

- Yes darling. I am pregnant.

These words echoed in his mind. He cried, cried with happiness.

- Darling, you can’t imagine how happy I am. You made me the happiest person in the world, - hugging you and also crying, he thanked you for such wonderful news.

Maybe someday he will have to die on the battlefield, but until then, he will fight. To fight so that I can return home to Jinzhou and see you and your baby growing up every day.

[bellaxgiornata]

Seeking Forgiveness [Part Eight]

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader Word Count: 6.4k

[Summary and Series Masterlist]

Warnings/tags: 18+ contains angst, emotional hurt, delayed comfort, pregnant Reader, mentions/fear of miscarriage

a/n: It's been awhile since this fic finally had an update, but here y'all go! Make sure you heed the added warning for this chapter--mentions/fear of miscarriage will be found in this update. Feedback is always appreciated!

Holding the soft cotton baby pajamas up in front of yourself, a faint smile ghosted over your lips. Unconsciously your left hand dropped down, landing on the swell of your growing bump as your eyes traced the cute pattern of white bunnies prancing around the yellow fabric. 

As you stood there staring at the pajamas in your hand, you could see a picture beginning to clearly form in your mind. A little baby with a dusting of dark hair like Matt’s was cradled in your arms, wearing this onesie. A clearly exhausted Matt shuffled his way into the bedroom, heading over towards you with a prepared bottle in his hand, his eyes half-lidded. His tee-shirt was wrinkled and stained with a bit of old spit up near the collar, but he clearly hadn't bothered to change. The only thing he seemed concerned about was his daughter in your arms. 

When he reached the pair of you, he extended his arms out to take her from you, eager to feed her. You passed her gently off to him, watching as he held her so carefully in his arms, pulling her in towards his chest like she was the most fragile thing on Earth. And then he'd lean down towards where she was cradled in the crook of his arm, talking in hushed tones with a broad smile on his face as tiny fingers reached up, brushing along the stubble of his jaw while he spoke. 

An expression full of warmth and love broke out across Matt's face, his eyes crinkled at the corners as he gazed down at the little baby in his arms hungrily drinking down the formula from the bottle with happy, soft little squeaks and grunts. That glimmer of love in his eyes only grew more as he glanced back up at you, a smile full of joy and pride stretched wide across his mouth despite the fact that it was three in the morning.

“I cannot believe you're having a girl!”

The sound of Marci’s excited voice had the mental image quickly fading from your mind. Tongue feeling suddenly thick in your mouth, you blinked back the tears threatening to spill forth as that smile on Matt's face vanished from your mind completely.

It had been a beautiful image while you'd imagined it, at least.

Clearing your throat, you set the pajamas back onto the display table. Your gaze lowered to your bump, your hand affectionately running across it.

“Yeah,” you agreed. “Finding out I'm having a girl definitely made this feel even more real than it already had been.”

“Are you going to tell Matt?” Karen asked from behind the display table, her blonde brows high on her forehead. “That you found out you're having a girl?”

You nodded, your attention returning to the little yellow onesie you'd set back down. Running your fingers across the fabric, an ache hit you hard in the chest. You did your best to ignore it. 

“I am, yeah,” you replied, glancing back up at her. “But I just found out this morning and I…don't exactly know how to tell him, you know? We've exchanged a few texts since he stopped by the other week and dropped off that pregnancy pillow and weighted blanket, but things are still a little odd between us. And I feel like this is news you share with the father in person, not in a text.”

“So you've been talking?” Marci asked curiously.

You watched as she pulled a tiny hanger from the rack she was looking at, lifting up a small green dress and showing it to Karen. The pair audibly cooed at the little outfit.

“A little,” you admitted to her. “It's hard for me to talk on the phone with him because hearing his voice is just…hard. It makes me wish things were like they were before.” The smile on your face faltered as you stepped away from the table, glancing at the vastly overpriced baby outfits on another nearby rack. “I admitted to him that phone calls are still a bit much for me, so he's been texting instead. Even though I know how irritating the speech to text feature on his phone is to him. So I get it. He is trying.”

“Certainly hasn't bailed yet,” Marci muttered, hanging the dress back on the rack. “Which I'm honestly proud of him for.”

You caught the pointed look Karen sent you and you sighed, aware of what that look meant.

“Yeah, I've noticed,” you confessed. “I see he's trying to be present. I see how emotional he gets at the thought of not actually actively raising this child. But here's the thing,” you continued, both women now focused on you. “I'm bringing a baby into this world, right? I'm not adopting a puppy. We're talking about a little human. Someone who's going to be shaped by their parents and how they're brought up and raised. Someone who is completely dependent on us to take care of them for years . And meanwhile, Matt does…well–” you waved a hand in front of yourself, “– that in the evenings. I think it's only realistic that I'm concerned about how serious he is when it comes to actually being there for the both of us after how he wasn't there for me the one time I needed him. I need to know I can actually count on him, especially when things get difficult. Or exhausting. Or if there's an emergency. The city can’t always come first, even if I admire him for what he does.”

“But he is trying to show you that,” Karen pointed out gently. “He messed up and he knows that. Believe me, he does. And while I completely understand your side, it's not like Matt isn't trying to earn your forgiveness and prove all of that to you, too. But it's sort of dependent on you giving him a chance to show you that.”

Running a hand across your forehead, you nodded. “I know,” you told her softly. “I know. Which is why I've been trying to give him that chance. It's probably better that I do before the baby comes when emotions will be even higher and things will be more complicated.” 

Eyes dropping down to your feet, you nervously chewed your lip. You’d been leaning towards giving him that chance he’d so desperately and repeatedly been begging you for ever since he’d last stopped by, especially after seeing how much the thought of not being an active parent to his child really upset him. But that didn’t mean you weren’t still scared to give him that chance. To open up and let him back in knowing he could hurt more than just you this time.

“It’s just hard to willingly let him back in after what happened. After how he'd hurt me. Because I’m honestly afraid of getting hurt again,” you confessed. “And not just me, but I’m scared of his daughter getting hurt. Of him not being there for her like she’s going to need him to be.”

“You know, I’m surprising myself by saying this,” Marci chimed in, “but I agree with Karen. At first, after hearing the news that you were pregnant, I absolutely could not picture Matt wanting to be a present father with how much he does, well, you-know-what at night. But with how much he’s been over at our place talking to Foggy and I the past few weeks?” She shook her head, tsk’ing lightly. “Let’s just say I fear for the man, woman, or child that dares to say a single mean word to his daughter. I mean that man is fiercely protective over the both of you. I don’t think you have to worry about him not being there when either of you need him.”

Something warm slowly filled you at Marci’s words. Something like a tiny spark of hope. You hadn’t known he’d been going over to their place and saying these things, worrying about the pair of you so much. Granted, you hadn’t spoken to him much in months now so you didn't really know what he'd been up to lately. 

“Really?” you asked her, the threat of tears returning for a different reason.

Both Karen and Marci nodded their heads firmly, your eyes jumping between the two. That spark of hope burned a little hotter in your chest.

“He’s still in love with you,” Karen told you before pointing a finger at your belly. “And I can assure you, he loves that baby just as much as he loves you already.”

Crouched on the corner of a six-story apartment building’s roof, Matt’s head dipped and turned as he tried to remain focused on a conversation occurring in a nearby warehouse. He was doing his best to block out all the other distractions around him–like the sounds of car horns and the traffic below, sirens screeching in the distance as an ambulance made its way to the hospital, or the various arguments coming from inside the building he was perched atop. 

Something was happening tonight in his city. He could feel it. 

But as he tried to follow the conversation occurring half a block over, another noise abruptly broke through his carefully crafted concentration. Matt's gloved hands gripped the edge of the roof at the sound of it, his head instantly darting over his shoulder as the noise quickly overtook the sound of everything else.

Truthfully, he’d been attempting not to eavesdrop on you lately, trying to respect your wishes when he was out at night. Honestly he had been, too, especially since you’d actually been talking to him again, letting him in a little more even if it was only through texts here and there over this past week. He hadn't wanted to risk ruining the progress he'd suddenly made with you by trying to push your boundaries any further. 

But he absolutely couldn’t ignore the sound of distress coming from you in your apartment just a block behind him. 

You were crying. But not just crying in the usual way someone would if they were sad–something mournful and soft. No, it was a heart wrenching sound. Despairing. Painful. A noise that felt like an ice cold hand had gripped his own heart in his chest and squeezed .

Something was wrong.

A pained noise came from Matt as he rose to his feet, instinctively turning in the direction of your apartment. One booted foot took a step in your direction before he immediately halted in place. Gritting his teeth, his mind raced with a myriad of thoughts.

There was definitely a shipment of drugs being moved around in Hell’s Kitchen tonight, he’d absolutely learned that much from the conversation he’d been eavesdropping on. He had been on the cusp of uncovering where it was currently being held. All he needed was a location and he could alert the authorities to handle the rest. The streets of his city would once again be marginally safer because of him if he did. 

And you had already repeatedly asked him to stop appearing at your apartment as Daredevil and invading your privacy. If he showed up now, that would surely appear to you like he wasn’t respecting your clear boundaries. Which he knew wasn’t remotely true, but would you understand if he explained that he was just too in tune with you to not subconsciously pick up on a sound of distress like that coming from you ? That he couldn't exactly control his senses picking up on it?

Matt’s gloved hand ran across his mouth in frustration, his eyes snapping shut behind his mask. He was torn.

Did he force himself to ignore your cries in order to not possibly upset you further? To keep respecting your boundaries and to leave you alone like you’d repeatedly asked him to? Which would in turn allow him to attempt to focus on finding that drug shipment tonight instead, something he'd been determined to do. Or did he go to you?

Teeth still grinding back and forth, Matt fought to decide on the right course of action. But at the sound of a particularly heart-wrenching wail coming from your apartment combined with something like the noise of you falling down, his eyes snapped back open and he made up his mind. He didn't care if you threw things at him and yelled him off your fire escape when he showed up. There was absolutely no way in hell he was going to ignore whatever was happening in your apartment. Even if it meant he’d have to show up at your front door and beg you to forgive him on his goddamn knees for the next several months. He needed to make sure you and the baby were alright.

Taking off at a sprint, Matt darted across the roof he was on and headed straight in the direction of your distress. He barely registered much else in the city as he flung himself over rooftop after rooftop, the sound of his own panicked heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears. He was focused solely on you and the continued sobbing in your apartment, trying his best to keep his mind from racing to a number of terrible reasons as to why you might’ve been this upset. 

By the time he’d made it onto your building’s rooftop, he quickly dropped down two floors until he landed with a solid thud on your fire escape. He heard your terrified intake of breath from inside your apartment, the sound of your head swiftly turning in the direction of where he was outside your window. He felt bad for startling you as he reached a hand out, knocking on the glass.

He expected you to start shouting. To tell him to go away. To tell him that he was an asshole who couldn’t respect your privacy. That you didn’t want to speak to him anymore because of it. Maybe to throw something at the window even.

What he did not expect was the way you softly sobbed out his name in a way that sounded almost like relief. Or the way your hands had clawed at the couch cushion beside you as you pulled yourself up to your feet, rushing over to the window as more fresh tears spilled down your cheeks.

When you opened the window, the sharp, heavy scent of fear met his nose. The acrid tang was strong in your apartment, almost overpowering the salty taste of your tears in the air. And the sound of your racing and erratic heartbeat was roaring loud in his ears, mingling with the still frantic beating of his own heart. He could barely focus on much else as his own fear levels began to rapidly rise.

And then you surprised him yet again.

Your hands reached out through your window, grabbing desperately onto his shoulders and practically pulling him inside of your apartment. Speechless and concerned, he allowed you to drag him through the opening, moving as fast as he could to get to you. Though the way you whispered his name again as he climbed inside your apartment had his heart constricting in his chest.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he whispered. “What happened?”

He'd barely had a chance to stand upright before your hands on his shoulders yanked him towards yourself. Your arms snaked around his neck, drawing him into a tight embrace as you buried your face right into the armor of his suit as more tears began falling down your cheeks. A strangled sob left your mouth, the heartbreaking sound partially muffled against his body. 

Matt didn't hesitate. He wrapped his own arms around your waist and wrenched you in tight to the front of himself. His eyes closed as he buried his face into your hair, breathing in the familiar scent of you. Desperately he wished you were holding him like this under different circumstances because he'd missed you these past few months.

But something was wrong and he needed to focus on that right now.

“Sweetheart, you're scaring me,” he whispered, tears burning at his own eyes behind the mask. “What's got you so upset? Did something happen?”

You murmured something unintelligible against his chest, the words too muffled and disjointed for him to understand. 

“What?” he asked.

You pulled away from him, sounding as if you'd turned your head to look up at him as he reluctantly unburied his face from your hair. A large sniffle came from you before you answered him, this time more clearly despite the tremor in your voice.

“There was blood.”

It took Matt a moment to register what you'd said and what you meant. But when he did, he felt something ice cold flood his veins.

“I woke up a bit ago and needed to go to the bathroom. Like usual,” you explained softly. “And then I noticed that I–I was bleeding.” You sniffled again, your voice quivering more noticeably as you continued. “And it scared me. Because I'm terrified that–that something is wrong. With the baby.”

Matt's stomach dropped as you buried your face back against him. His gloved hands gripped your back tighter as he tried to remain calm and process what you'd said. 

“Was it a lot of blood?” he asked nervously.

You shook your head against him. “No. Not a lot. Just enough to notice it.”

“Okay, well that's good at least,” he said, running a soothing hand along your back as he tried to keep himself calm. “You're around twelve weeks now, right? It's not entirely abnormal for some bleeding to occur. I don't hear any cramping occurring and–” his head turned, his eyes narrowing as he focused hard to hear the baby's heartbeat over the panicked noises of your own body, “–the baby still seems to have a steady heartbeat in there. Which is–is good. From what I remember reading, that's a good sign that nothing is wrong. It's the first thing a doctor would check for to make sure the baby isn't in any danger. But if you continue bleeding we can certainly get you to a hospital, sweetheart.”

You drew your face partially out his chest, sniffling loudly yet again as Matt continued to stroke your back. It sounded like you had looked up at him, your tears gradually slowing. He focused back down on you, one hand leaving your back to gently brush some hair away from your damp cheeks.

“How do you know all that?” you whispered.

He shrugged a shoulder lightly, his hand still gingerly removing the damp strands of hair from your face that were stuck by tears. “I spend my free time reading up on pregnancy-related things,” he admitted softly. “So that I can maybe help if you need me. In situations like this.”

He heard the faint surprised intake of breath you'd taken at his answer, so quiet you probably hadn't even realized you'd made the sound. He felt your arms wrapping tighter around his neck, holding him close as you buried your face back against his chest. Despite how good it felt to have you back in his arms, Matt focused his senses back onto your body, doing his best to concentrate on the baby for a minute in the silence that filled your apartment.

“I'm not a doctor,” he murmured, still listening, “but nothing sounds different than what I've usually heard. I don't notice any more bleeding, and the lack of cramping is a good sign. Baby's heartbeat seems to be really strong.” 

Matt cleared his throat, turning his attention back on you. Your body had calmed in his presence–something that made him feel good but he was afraid to overthink about the why . Though your body still sounded panicked and stressed, something that concerned him.

“Maybe it's best if you take a seat and try to relax,” he suggested gently. “The stress probably isn't good for you or the baby. Let's just focus on calming down now, okay?”

“Right,” you said, the air shifting around you as you nodded against him. “You're right. It was just a little blood so I'm–I’m probably overreacting.”

“You're not overreacting,” he told you, guiding you carefully back to the couch and settling the pair of you down into the cushions. “You were scared. It's understandable.”

Matt sat down on the couch beside you, surprised once more when you scooted closer to him. He reached a hand up, removing the cowl from his head with one hand while running his other through his unkempt hair. 

“I'm sorry,” you whispered.

Matt's hand froze in his hair, his attention swiftly focusing on you. “Sorry for what, sweetheart?” he asked.

“For probably scaring the shit out of you tonight,” you replied. “I'm guessing that's why you showed up, right? You heard me freaking out?”

Matt smiled sheepishly back at you, nodding slowly. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I wasn't trying to listen in to your apartment, but you sounded so upset that I couldn't help but overhear you when I was out. I was afraid you'd be upset with me showing up though, because I know you’ve wanted me to stay away, but I couldn't just ignore you like this. I had to make sure everything was alright.”

He heard you sniffling again, your hands wiping at your eyes. Carefully he slid his arm around your shoulders, moving slowly in case he was crossing a boundary and you wanted to tell him to stop. But instead you moved even closer to him, eliminating the space between both of your bodies as you wrapped your arms around his waist. You leaned in, resting your head against his shoulder. A small smile slipped onto Matt's face, his own head carefully lowering to rest atop yours. 

“Thank you for coming to check up on me,” you whispered. “I feel better with you here.”

Matt's heart thudded hard in his chest, that cold feeling of dread finally melting straight out of him as he held you against his side. You actually wanted him here. You were comforted by his presence, not upset by it. After the months apart from you which had felt like torture, hearing that had felt far too good.

“I'll always be here when you need me,” he assured you quietly. He hesitated a moment before softly adding, “Though I certainly wish I could be here the times you don't necessarily need me, too.”

He felt your head turn along his shoulder as you settled even more comfortably into the side of him. Your body was relaxing further now that the pair of you had sat down. But Matt could hear just how tired you really were from the sounds of your body and he figured the scare you’d just had hadn’t helped.

“I know,” you replied softly. “Maybe we should have a talk about that. About things between us.”

Hope fluttered in his chest at your words, excitement flooding through him at what that talk might mean. He absolutely wanted to be back in your life far more than he currently was, but he knew right now wasn't the time for that discussion, not after what had just happened and considering how exhausted you sounded to his ears.

“Maybe I can take you for coffee this weekend and we can discuss things,” he said, hoping he didn't sound as over-eager as he felt. “Tonight let's just focus on making sure you and baby are both okay.”

Your head shifted along his shoulder and Matt could feel the way your eyes were on him now. Then he felt the sudden nervous energy that washed over you just before you'd opened and closed your mouth a couple of times. Clearly you wanted to say something but didn't seem to know how. He sat there quiet and patient beside you, wondering what you were struggling to get out. 

“This is probably not fair of me to ask considering our…situation,” you eventually began, your nerves apparent to him in your tone, “but could you maybe please stay here with me tonight? In case something does happen?”

That hope in Matt's chest grew further at your question, his body feeling like it could float up through the ceiling right now if he wasn’t more focused on the feel of you at his side. He made you feel safe. Even after how awful he'd been to you and how that had led to the break up, you still wanted him here. To protect both of you. Maybe he hadn't messed things up entirely beyond repair like he’d been worried about for weeks. Maybe he could fix things. 

Maybe you could actually want him in both of your lives again. 

“I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't ask,” you began in a rush when he hadn’t answered. “If it's too much to ask, I completely understand. I just don’t really want to be alone and–”

“I'll stay,” he assured you, his hand reassuringly squeezing your shoulder. “I told you, I'll always be here when you need me. I want to stay and make sure you're both safe.”

He heard you release the quietest sigh of relief, your body once again relaxing into his side. In the silence that followed, he also swore he heard a smile draw itself across your lips with how close he was listening to you, the muscles ever so minutely shifting along your face.

“You know how I mentioned that blood test?” you asked, breaking the silence a minute later. “The one where I could find out baby's sex and whether we're having a boy or a girl?”

Of course he knew exactly which blood test you were talking about. He hadn’t stopped thinking about it all week. He figured with what you’d told him about how long it took to hear back from your OB that you already had the results by now. It had been a struggle for him not to text or call you all week to ask you what you’d found out instead of focusing on his work that week. He’d been so eager for the news.

“Yes,” he answered. “I remember you telling me about it.”

“Well, I got the results yesterday morning,” you said slowly. “Did you…want to know what they were?”

It took everything inside of Matt to not blurt the ‘yes’ he gave you too fast. Though he’d grabbed your shoulder tighter in his grip, struggling to contain his excitement in anticipation of the news.

“We’re having a girl,” you told him. 

Matt’s eyes snapped shut, a large smile spreading wide across his face. A girl. You were both having a little girl. A little version of you running around. Maybe she’d grow to have the same laugh as you, the same laugh he missed hearing in his apartment ever since you’d left.

“I can’t wait to meet her, sweetheart,” he whispered. “I’m sure she’ll be just as perfect as you.”

You curled up further against Matt's side, something like an embarrassed scoff leaving you. But as you sat there cozied up to his side, another thought crossed Matt's mind. One he'd thought about often lately. 

Nervously he chewed his lip as he focused on the sound of his daughter’s thankfully continuously steady heartbeat. Turning his head, he glanced down in your direction. He could feel the way you’d once again shifted against his shoulder, looking up to meet his eyes no doubt. There was something he’d been dying to do for weeks now, but he wasn’t sure if now was an appropriate time to ask, or if it would somehow make you uncomfortable. But he figured he’d try anyway.

“You can certainly say no,” Matt began cautiously, “and I would respect your answer completely. But…would it be alright if I could see if I could feel her moving yet? Is that too much to ask?”

You didn't answer him outright; instead he felt you reach your hands over towards him and pick up his right one. With ease you undid the straps of his glove, gently sliding it off of his hand before tossing it over onto your coffee table. Afterwards you slipped his hand up beneath your shirt, just over the slight bump his hands weren't used to feeling on you. His eyes closed again as he tried to concentrate his senses on your body in a way he'd never done before. A smile returned to his face as he felt you rest both of your hands over the top of his while he focused. He missed the simple feel of your touch.

It took Matt a few moments of concentrating before he noticed something ever so faintly shifting beneath your skin, something he’d never have been able to pick up on if it wasn’t for his senses. A soft, surprised chuckle fell out of him when he felt the faint shift again of what must’ve been a limb moving. There was no way for him to know whether it was an arm or a leg, but it was his daughter alive and well inside of you. The knowledge of that had tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

“What?” he heard you ask.

“She's moving,” he whispered in awe. “I can feel her. It's faint, probably because she's still so small, but I can–can feel her.”

Your hands tightened over the top of his, the sound of your heart fluttering catching Matt's attention as he continued to focus on the baby growing inside of you. He wasn’t sure if your reaction was from the tear that had suddenly slipped down his cheek or something else, but it didn’t matter. Because this moment was easily one of the happiest he’d ever experienced.

With a huff you readjusted your head along your pillow, eyes opening once again in the darkness of your bedroom. You'd been having trouble falling and staying asleep tonight, too stressed about the bit of blood you'd found that had upset you earlier. Thankfully there hadn't been anymore tonight, but despite Matt's repeated reassurance, you'd felt embarrassed about getting distressed so quickly. 

You'd just been so terrified waking up, still partially drowsy, to find that bit of bright red on the toilet paper when you'd gone to the bathroom. The fear that you'd somehow lost the pregnancy at the sight of it had immediately panicked you, because in these past few months you'd grown so completely attached to your little Devil. The thought of losing her–especially now knowing they in fact were a her–was too much.

Knowing Matt was out there sleeping on your couch in the living room hadn't been helping you to fall asleep, either. Not because you didn't feel safe with him here, but because it just felt wrong that he was asleep on the couch. He'd never slept anywhere else but in bed with you in the past, and honestly you couldn't imagine your couch was all that comfortable. Especially to him of all people. 

And truthfully, if you were being honest with yourself, it was because you wanted him in bed next to you. Not down the hall, but right here where you could feel that he was actually with you. Where you could feel his comforting presence. Because you really did miss him.

Chewing the inside of your cheek, you tried to listen to the sounds in your apartment. For a moment you laid in bed, trying to hold your breath to see if you could tell whether Matt was asleep or not out in your living room. But as you sharply expelled the breath seconds later, the only noise you'd been able to pick up on was that of the city outside. 

Another few minutes passed where you laid there contemplating whether you should just try to close your eyes and fall back asleep, or actually get out of bed and ask Matt to come join you. But you weren't sure you should even ask anymore from him tonight, considering he'd clearly been interrupted from Daredevil-ing because of you. And then he had offered to sleep on your couch afterwards when you'd asked him to stay. Asking him to then come join you in bed–while you both were still broken up–seemed like such a gray area.

But at the same time, you were carrying his child. And you'd been afraid that something serious had almost happened tonight, and clearly he'd been just as concerned. It was obvious with the panic written on his face even behind the mask when he'd initially shown up. And he'd stayed . He could have left when he realized things seemed to be okay, but he didn't. And while it was only one situation that the pair of you'd encountered, it had meant a lot to you that he hadn't just left you. 

The pair of you were planning to get coffee together and talk this weekend too, so was it really all that bad to go out there and ask him to stay with you in your bed? 

For a while you just continued to lay there, your mind racing back and forth trying to land on an answer. Ultimately it was the memory of Matt shedding a couple of tears from earlier tonight when he'd felt your little Devil move–something you hadn't yet even managed to experience because you were not far enough along–that had you tossing the sheets off of yourself and climbing out of bed. 

Barefoot, you shuffled out of your bedroom before padding down the short hallway. When you reached the living room, you came to a stop just at the edge of the hallway, your eyes drawn to Matt. He was laying on your couch, his body curled in what looked like an uncomfortable position on the small piece of furniture. He had squashed a couch pillow up underneath his head, his eyes closed as he lay there. The plush blanket you always had on the back of your couch was draped over his lower half, but it was clearly too small to cover him fully as he lay there, his bare upper torso partially exposed. 

He looked like he was asleep, probably worn out from a long day at work and a night out as Daredevil before you'd gone and interrupted it. You'd almost turned around and gone back to your room, not wanting to disturb him, but then his eyelids flew open. Almost immediately his head rose from the pillow, his gaze landing on you across the room as a look of worry crossed his face, his brows drawing together. 

“Sweetheart?” he asked. “Is something wrong? Are you alright?”

Awkwardly you leant up against the wall beside you, your hands nervously fidgeting with the hem of your shirt. You shook your head, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

“No,” you whispered. “Nothing is wrong. I just can't really sleep. My mind is too loud.”

The worried crease between Matt's brows slowly disappeared as he pushed himself upright on the couch. The blanket that had been draped across him slid down, revealing more of his bare chest in the dark room. He'd clearly been trying to sleep in his boxers since the suit would have been too uncomfortable, and for some reason that only made you long for the comfort of his warm skin cuddled against yours in bed.

“Is there something I can do to help?” he asked. 

Running a hand nervously through your hair, you tried to ignore your increasing nerves. You figured it was best to get to the point and just ask for what you wanted, leaving the decision up to Matt after that. 

“Would it be too much if I asked you to stay with me?” you whispered. “Not on the couch, but actually with me? Just for tonight?”

“If that's what you want,” Matt replied. “I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I assumed you'd prefer me to stay out here, especially because I don't exactly have anything to sleep in.”

You shrugged a shoulder, glancing down at your bare feet. “That doesn't exactly bother me,” you told him, aware he could hear the truth in your answer. “I just don't want to be alone after earlier. And I'd feel a little better if you were with me.”

Matt removed the blanket from his lower half, his own bare feet landing on the floor. Rising wordlessly from the couch, you watched as he maneuvered around the coffee table like he'd done so many times in the past before he made his way to you in nothing but his boxers. 

Hesitantly you reached a hand out, entwining your fingers with his when he neared. Turning in the hall, you guided him down the length of it and back to your bedroom. Matt easily followed your lead, his soft footsteps echoing yours as you led him into your room and towards the bed.

You released his hand when the pair of you reached the foot of the bed, making your way over to the side that was always yours. Matt continued on his way to the side that had always been his, his fingertips lightly dragging over the comforter as he moved. 

Climbing back into your bed, you felt the mattress dip under the weight of Matt settling onto the other side. You smiled a little to yourself as you tried to get comfortable on your side, wrapping your legs around the pregnancy pillow Matt had gotten you the other week.

“Would you prefer me to stay on this side, or…?” 

Matt's question hung in the bedroom, his meaning clear despite him not finishing it. Tongue darting out to wet your lips, your head turned just over your shoulder towards him as you answered. 

“You don't have to tonight.”

Without waiting for further invitation, you felt Matt shift along the bed closer to you. His warm hand carefully landed on your hip, halting there for a moment as if testing your boundaries. Then very gradually his palm slid downwards until it was gently cradling your bump over your shirt. His warm body slowly sidled up to the back of yours and your eyelids lowered, your body relaxing at the safety and familiarity of him.

“Thank you for being here,” you whispered into the dark.

Matt's fingers traced a light pattern over your stomach, the gentle touch causing a warmth to linger in their wake.

“I'll always be here when you need me,” he whispered back. “From now on, I promise you that.”

The smile on your lips grew a little wider as your own hand sought out his. Your fingers entwined with his over the growing swell of your bump, like a protective barrier that the pair of you were making between the world outside and the little life growing within you. Then gradually you finally fell asleep. 

Tag List: @mattmurdocksstarlight @just-going-through-the-motions @paracosmic-murdock @yeonalie @auroraslibrary @1988-fiend @will-delete-this-later-probably @two-unbeatable-beaters @danzer8705 @ragamuffin285 @callmebrooklynbabes @spookyboogyuniverse @peachy-aisha @stevenknightmarc @nerdytreeflower @fucktthisworld @remuslupinwifee @kmc1989 @thychuvaluswife @mywellspringoflife @thornbushrose @yarrystyleeza @shiorimakibawrites @marvelcinematiquniverse @vallovesthedilfs @scoliobean @this-is-music @mattmurdocks6thscaleapartment @ashlynhasmanyhyperfixations @swissy23 @babygorewhore @that-girl-named-alex @warsaur @lareinaisabelle @pazii @senjoritanana @mischiefmanaged71511-blog @xxdrixx @jess-rye @hannahbohen @theclassicvinyldragon @karolamurdock @theoraekenslover @mr-underhills-things @jennifer0305 @capswife @amazexng @blackhawkfanatic @ladywholikesreading @powellssaturn @sunflower-tia @indestructeible

[I have no idea why some of these tags aren't working 😭 If I misspelled something please let me know!]

[deansapplepie]

You couldn’t lose each other

Summary: You were pregnant, then you weren’t.

Warnings: ANGST, pregnancy, miscarriage, mention of character death, mention of “putting someone down”, soft Merle, on purpose asshole Daryl, blood, hurt, mental instability, hurt, stubborn main characters, loss, grief, and maybe more. 18+, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

A/N: I never experienced miscarriage and am writing everything based on my knowledge through series, movies, soap operas and books, so it may have inaccuracies. If you are sensible to any of those topics please don’t read, your mental health is more important!

It had started about a week ago, heavy dizziness and morning sickness (which didn’t happen exactly only in the morning). On top of that your period was late, which you tried to atribute to the sub nutrition all of you went through while on the road, but as soon as other symptoms started… you knew it was probably other thing.

You went on a run with Daryl to get more baby formula for Jude and just discreetly added a pregnancy test on your backpack, in a part you hoped Daryl wouldn’t look because he never did. As soon as you got to the prison and had some alone time you risked yourself going somewhere, no one would see you or find you, to pee on the damn thing and find the truth. The truth was… you knew it, you didn’t need a test, you were undoubtedly and very much pregnant.

One end of afternoon, Merle sat by your side and didn’t bother to tip toe around you. “When are ya gonna tell ‘im?”

“What?” He took you back with his question.

“When are ya telling my brother ya’re with his baby?” Your eyes widened at his question. “Daryl ain’t the only one with observation skills. Who ya think taught him everything? I saw the symptoms and the pregnancy test you hid on your pocket the other day.”

“Fuck you Dixons.”

“Ya already do it to one of us.” He sassy replied, you rolled your eyes as usually happened during your banters.

“Soon. I’m just waiting the whole governor thing end. He already has too much to worry about, he’ll freak out if I tell him now. He’ll probably put me on bubble of safety and not let me do anything.” You stated, Daryl could have the rough exterior but both of you knew how he was, how he cared about people. Also he had changed so much the last months, and it was for the better. “Don’t tell him, let me do it.”

“Al’ight.” He surprised you, you had learned how to deal with Merle, but he wasn’t the same asshole as before. Still an asshole though. “It’ll be good have a mini Dixon around. I’ll help to keep ya’ll safe.”

“I know, you can be a jerk sometimes but I know you care about your family.” You gave the older Dixon a small smile and squeezed his hand to reassure him. That had been one of the nicest things he ever told you and coming from Merle, that was a lot.

The governor had asked for Michonne to leave your group alone, you didn’t believe a word of it it, but Merle did or at least he had to try. That morning he disappeared with her and all of you knew what he was up to. Daryl went after them, you wanted to go too but of course he wouldn’t “allow” you.

Some time after, Michonne arrived, alone. You asked about Merle and Daryl, and she told everything that happened with Merle. He had set her free and went by himself. It wouldn’t end up well, you could feel it in your guts, and your feeling just confirmed to be true when Daryl arrived alone.

Everyone gathered around him to know what happened and he told you with teary eyes. The others left to give both of you some time.

“Daryl, I’m sorry.” You said, both of your hands cupping his face, he averted your eyes. “Hey, look at me.”

“Leave me alone…” he grumply answered trying to get out of your grasp.

“We’re together in this, huh? I’m here for you, we both cared about Merle.” He snorted.

“Ya cared about Merle? Ya never liked him!”

That wasn’t true, he knew it wasn’t. He was hurt, he had to put his brother down, there wasn’t anyone else that could do it for him, even if there was… it had to be him. Somehow, in his abused mind, he thought it was all his fault. Merle died because he wanted to be a better person, he wanted to protect his little brother as much as he could in this fucked up world, and that was the way he found to do it. It was just a matter of time for you to do the same and it would be entirely his fault if you ended like Merle. You were the last thing he had from the old world. You were the only good thing he had, and if he had to push you away to keep you alive, that was what he was going to do, because he couldn’t afford living in a world without you.

“This isn’t true, Daryl. You’re hurting, I get it…” he cut your speaking before you could finish.

“Ya don’t. Ya never will!” He distanced himself when you tried to touch his arm. “We should break up.”

“What?!”

“Ya heard it.” He confirmed.

“Ok, when you’re not speaking no sense we can talk, I know you’re not ok, but there’s a limit of shit I can take.” You wouldn’t continue to insist on it if he was going to continue acting like that. You knew he was suffering, but so were you and he was being a prick.

“There ain’t gonna be another talk. I said what I said.” Those words left his mouth as if they were nothing, but each of them felt like a knife in his throat.

“Is it really the moment for you to dump me?” You knew he was emotionally unstable, no one make good decisions like this.

“Did I stutter?” The moment he threw the harsh words, he knew he had got what he wanted, the hurt in your eyes pained in his chest and this time he was sure he had lost you for good.

Since that day, you didn’t talk to him and he also ignored you. You asked Rick to not put you both working together anymore. You moved your things to Carol’s cell, now also your cell. Woodbury had fallen, now the survivors of the town had joined you at the prison.

Your little secret was still yours, or sort of… Carol was a mother. She went through all the shit you were going through, all of you saw Lori going through it. She knew it already, but didn’t tell you anything until one week after everything that happened.

She asked you, “aren’t you telling him?”

This time you didn’t even got surprised and already knew what she was talking about. “No.”

“And when it starts to show?”

“I’ll tell I just fucked someone and was too drunk to remember.” You stubbornly replied.

“You’re being childish, he deserves to know.” She was right, but you were tired and emotionally damaged already.

“ ‘cause he’s being a fucking kid too. I get it, he’s suffering, but he needs to stop hurting people every time he’s hurt. It’s time he grows up and man up.” You said arms crossed.

“You know his past better than I, I thought you from all the people would understand.” The older woman wisely said.

“Carol, I appreciate your concern, he’s your friend too, but you don’t understand.” You said, was it you? Was it the hormones? You couldn’t know. “Please, don’t tell him. It’s not your place to do it.”

“I won’t. You’re the one that should do it.” As soon as she answered, she left you alone.

One week later, or a little more, it seemed like Rick had forgotten his promise that he wouldn’t put you ti work with Daryl as he put both of you on fence duty to kill the walkers. Ok, there were more people with you, but you couldn’t help but feel yourself being watched and you knew the weight of his stare. You could feel it in your soul. Also, you couldn’t help yourself and from time to time look at him, because you would be a liar if you said you didn’t love him anymore or that you didn’t find him handsome and attractive, and what’s beautiful was made to look at.

It was middle of the morning, even though it was starting to get cold the sun was strong for whoever was working under it. You had sweat and few stains of blood from the walkers you had killed through the fence. You were feeling extra tired, you thought it was because pregnant women got more sleepy, so you didn’t think about it so much.

Some minutes after you felt a sharp pain on your lower stomach. Weird. ‘Please let it just be a stomachache or gases’, you thought.

You continued working then you felt the pain in the same place but sharper. ‘Please, don’t let it be anything with my baby’, you thought again.

You kept doing your job, this time more slowly as you felt the pain irradiating through your body, until you felt a stabbing pain in the same place and something hot going down your legs. You looked down and saw blood. “NO!”

You shouted and that called people’s attention Daryl’s specially. He looked at you and all he could see was blood. Did you hurt yourself with the weapon? Did the governor came back and wounded you? Did somehow a walker managed to bite you?

“Nooo-hooo-ooo.” You shouted cried throwing yourself to the ground.

In seconds he was kneeling by your side. “Hey, hey, look at me. What is it? What happened, doll?”

“I lost it.” You said, crying more at your realization. “I lost it.”

“What did ya lose, babe?” He asked, he thought you were delirious due to the blood loss. His hands around your face trying to make you look at him, trying to ground you. He was panicking, where were you hurt? Was he going to loose you anyway and he had spent the last weeks loosing his time with you?

You cried. “Our baby, I lost our baby.” You said between sobs.

It hit him like a punch on his stomach. You said your baby, a baby from both of you, a baby he didn’t know existed, a baby that… his abused mind played with him again. A baby that could be possibly gone because of him. “Stay with me, love. I’m taking care of you.” Who were you? Just you? You and the baby? Was there any chance this was a weird bleeding but the baby would still be ok? He didn’t know. He knew nothing about it.

He didn’t think twice, he took you in his arms and started running. “HERSHEL!” He yelled the doctor’s name again and again, until he found him and had you in the infirmary.

Before getting to the infirmary you had passed out, maybe it was the shock or it could also be the blood loss, you’d never know.

Hershel examined you. Daryl stayed all the time by your side, making questions to the doctor. Teary eyes while he explained everything. You were indeed pregnant, and yes, you had lost the baby. Daryl’s hopes were shattered at pieces, he cried. He the big rough man that didn’t like to show his emotions cried, it was Hershel. He was a friend. He was family after all.

After making sure nothing had stayed in your uterus, the old man had a talk with the younger one. Hershel made sure Daryl knew it wasn’t his fault, at this point he already knew the archer well and knew he was guilting himself for it. He ensured it was something that could happen at this early stage, you were at the maximum 2 months pregnant according to the tissue your body expelled from you. That small tissue was what would be your baby. The feeding poor in nutrients could have harmed your body, it was pretty much a disorder in your uterus so that happened. There was no one to blame, besides the end of the world.

Some time had passed when you woke up, you were as much as clean as they could got you and you had warm feeling on your right hand. You looked to your side and you saw Daryl worried and guilty eyes.

“It’s not your fault.” You said. You remembered everything.

“Maybe.” He said, even if Hershel had already reassured him. “But it doesn’t make it less worse. I could have lived it with ya for the little time we had.”

“I was the one that didn’t tell you.” You turned to your side and extended your left arm till you were touching his face. “I’m sorry.”

“I AM sorry.” He said giving emphasis to that. “I… I dun know what I was thinking.”

“I know.” You knew he was lost at that moment, but it didn’t hurt you less when he pushed you away and both of you needed each other. “Merle wasn’t your fault. The baby neither.”

At the mention of Merle’s name and the baby, your voice quivered and the tears threatened to leave your eyes, and they did. They fell from your eyes and you couldn’t do anything about it. “I ain’t pushing ya away anymore. I… I was so afraid of losing ya too.” Tears also slipped on his face.

“Merle was happy, he knew he was going to be an uncle.” You remembered the conversation you had with him the day before he sacrificed himself. “He noticed it and asked me about it. I was going to tell you when the governor shit was over.”

You also felt guilty about Merle’s death. You knew sometimes he didn’t take some smart decisions, but did he tried to face it all alone because he also wanted to be a better person to his nephew or niece? He had told you he would protect all of you.

You sobbed. You both cried together, now your arms thrown around his neck and your face hiding in it. You both had lost too much already, you couldn’t afford losing anything else. You couldn’t lose each other.

Wanna be added to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series) Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325 @hayley1998 @shadowcitrine @vaniniweenie @cupidelocke

[cultofdixon]

Just Breathe, Love. I’ve Gotcha

Daryl Dixon • She/Her Pronouns • Babies come unexpectedly. It’s one thing being alone…thank god he was there • ANGST/SFW/NSFW - Implied Sex • TW: Pregnancy & Birth / Anxiety / Illness / Nightmares / Mentions of Miscarriage & Other Pregnancy Scares

Requested by: Anon

Y/N stood anxiously outside the house she shared with Daryl as it was practically brand new after the rebuild of Alexandria. She still couldn’t believe she convinced him to live with her above the surface. Nothing wrong with the basement just that things were changing and they’ll need more space.

Daryl finished getting packed for their trip to The Kingdom to help them for a month, but as he approached his bike gesturing with his body language for Y/N to join him…she hesitated.

“Love, cmon. If we leave now we can make it before sunset”

“Uh I can’t get on your bike though”

“What?” Her saying that confused the man extremely. “You’ve ridden on my bike before, what’s stopping yea now?”

“Fuck uh” Just say it. Just say it. “It won’t be safe for me and the baby, Dar”

The silence grew until Daryl simply blinked at his partner before throwing his pack on and getting onto his bike driving off. Y/N frowns thinking he needed to get some air after that news but before she even turned around, Daryl turned his bike around bringing itself into the garage.

“Dar?” She frowns taking a few steps toward the garage when Daryl came running out dropping his pack on the way and instantly engulfing her in his arms.

Y/N instantly latched onto her partner hiding her face in his shoulder as she started to sob happily hearing Daryl go on and on about how excited this is going to be for them. They were finally safe from any and almost every harm the world can throw at them.

They were going to be alright

First Trimester

…Maybe

The longer you get to know Daryl, you start to pick up on some things he does. In this very moment Maggie noticed two when she thought the archer was simply coming to the Hilltop for the community trading. Daryl, just a little, stuck out his tongue when he was in deep focus looking around Maggie’s office in search for one of her pregnancy books and another thing he did was his tiny finger taps when he was anxious. He is a very secretive and normally good at camouflaging, going unnoticed.

But she wasn’t going to stand there long. Only making herself known when she figures out what Daryl is looking for. That the moment he reached for the pregnancy book in her bookshelf, Maggie stepped into the room entirely.

“Find what you’re looking for?” Maggie smiles watching Daryl drop the book quickly turning to her.

“Yeah”

“Are yea gonna pick it up and take it? Didn’t take you for a seahorse, Daryl” Maggie teased watching him pick it up giving her a look. “How come Y/N didn’t—“

“Nah stop right there” Daryl quickly shushed her. “She’s comin’ next week to tell yea herself and she will kill me if she learns you knew from me”

“Oh boy you already fucked up that’s why you’re saying such” She smiles fighting back a laugh and failing. “Who did yea tell?”

“Rick”

“Oh” Maggie gave him a surprised look that quickly morphed into confusion. “Why would she be mad at you for telling Rick? He’s your best friend, brother even”

“Nah it wasn’t cuz I told Rick. It was when we had JUST found out” Daryl went silent after such and it didn’t take Maggie much to connect the dots as she brought herself to lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“Y/N is a very careful person. Your baby will make it and be absolutely perfect” She smiles at her friend before bringing him into her embrace feeling him tighten around her. “That baby is so so lucky to have you as a dad, Daryl. I can’t wait for you to experience it”

“Mags…”

“I don’t want to hear it. You’ve beaten yourself up about it enough and I know just saying that won’t make you instantly stop. But you’ve got to realize…we couldn’t have predicted what happen to have happened. Focus on the now Dixon” Maggie smiles parting from the man as he still hung his head low. “I won’t tell your partner that I know. But she better get her ass here soon so I can congratulate her”

Daryl returned back to Alexandria that night to find Y/N asleep on the couch after waiting a while for her man to come home. He set everything he was carrying down on the table as quietly as he could before approaching his girl and carefully picking her up. The action did cause her to stir just a bit but she didn’t care and brought her arms around his neck to secure her when he carried her upstairs.

“Long day?” She yawns out as he carefully places her on her side of the bed.

“A bit, sorry I was late” Daryl sat on the edge and took off his shoes as Y/N sat up enough to bring herself to lean against him until he was ready to climb into bed. “You gotta tell Maggie the news before it slips out of me” Which it already did.

“Mm. I have to go to get clippings from her for Alexandria’s gardens. Rick thinks we’ll have the water system done in about a month or two”

“You’re not allowed to overwork yourself, love” Daryl placed a kiss on her forehead before fully bringing himself to face her so he could kiss her completely.

Y/N wrapped her arms around him continuing to kiss her man as she brought herself to sit in his lap feeling his arms snake around her waist.

“What’s gotten into you, sunshine?” Daryl chuckles lightly to himself in between kisses feeling her get situated with her legs around his waist.

“Hormones.” Y/N giggles for a second before returning to her kissing. “You want me to stop?” She whispers only for Daryl to carefully bring her on her back onto the sheets as he towers her.

“No”

The next couple mornings were always spent sleeping in after the hours from the night before doing feeding into certain cravings.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, mamas” Daryl laughs kissing Y/N’s bare shoulder bringing himself to sit up watching his partner get up from their bed.

“Shouldn’t you be helping with the bridge plans this morning?” Y/N gave him a smile through the mirror above their dresser as she took one of his shirts slipping it on. “Instead of feeding my cravings” she continues to smile watching the archer get out of the bed shirtless in all his glory bringing himself behind her wrapping his arms around her.

“I’d always rather stay in bed with yea, than work” He chuckles kissing her temple. “‘Sides. We gotta tell Carol and Zeke the news”

“I’m still mad that you lied about not telling Mags. But thank you for getting the book…amongst other things” Y/N continued to smile as Daryl kisses her cheek before slipping away to get ready for the day leaving her alone for a moment.

Her smile faded when she opened the book to a part that talked heavily about complications. These “what to expect when you’re expecting books” have always been informative but Y/N never thought they’d be scary. Or feed into her fears.

It didn’t take long for Daryl to notice her sudden change in demeanor, especially on the drive to the Kingdom. He thought she was upset from their trip of 2 turning into five with Eugene, Rosita, and Rick tagging along. But she didn’t care about them joining and part of her didn’t talk about it with Daryl.

When they arrived, Y/N instantly got out of the car when she spotted Carol stepping out to greet them as Daryl tried to catch up but noticed his friend’s happy expression to the news falter only slightly until it went to warm reassurance when telling Y/N something. She soon pulled away from her to approach Daryl and hug the man.

“I’m gonna take your girl for a few hours.” Carol smiles still hugging Daryl as he instantly looked at Y/N for any sign that she was upset and all she gave was her usual smile that always struck him. “So don’t you dare come tracking us down.” She laughs pulling away from his embrace. “She’s in good hands, they both are”

Daryl trusted her, of course, but his worry still made him give his radio to Y/N knowing he’ll be with Rick when she’s gone and he always has one on him in case of emergencies.

“Be safe” He whispers kissing her cheek as she hums in response before going with Carol outside the Kingdom walls.

They soon found themselves seated behind a log after tracking down a small herd of deer as Y/N kept her eye on them with her hunting rifle in hand while Carol had her bow. She really kept her attention on her friend that glued her gaze on the buck.

What if something bad happens?

What if I get hurt and lose the baby?

What if I lose the baby?

Late term miscarriage?

Freak walker accident?

What if…

What if I die?

What if I die having the baby?

What if I need a c-section and it can’t be done?

What if—-

“It’s normal to be scared”

Her voice caught Y/N off guard in her thoughts as her emotions acted only by showing the tears form and roll off her cheeks. Carol frowns setting her bow down about to lay a hand to reassure her when a gunshot rang through and a thud echoed after.

The two were now looking at the buck Y/N had just shot down and as Y/N approached the down animal she noticed a deer and its baby run off.

I don’t want to leave Daryl and…fetus. I don’t want anything to happen to me Y/N sobbed and without any word from her end, Carol carefully brought her family into her arms holding her until she felt okay enough to go back.

Daryl wasn’t very helpful to the others when Y/N was gone. He honestly hope she had radio’d him so that he’d have an excuse to take off and find her. But she was okay when she came back. From what he gathered. When the two came back he offered to help prepare the meat but instead Carol brushed him off with a look to take care of his woman. Y/N didn’t say anything, didn’t even say anything to Carol, but he knew she just wanted him there in the moment.

Second Trimester

“I’ll be back in a week”

“I know. You still didn’t have to drop me off at the Hilltop like a daycare system”

“You get anxious alone in the house, sunshine. Rick and Michonne didn’t want you over because Judith is sick. Plus you’re helping Maggie with the garden layout designs.”

“Which you reminded me I couldn’t physical help with Hilltop’s” Y/N scoffs in a playful tone resulting in a smile Daryl wished to see from where he was at. Sadly the Sanctuary. “You’re missing out on a lot of movement…”

“She better calm the fuck down until I get there”

“Dead set on a girl?” Y/N smiles leaning against the headrest in the bed of the spare bedroom in the Barrington House, gently rubbing circles on her belly. “If that’s the case then, both your girls miss you.”

“I’ll be back to y’all soon”

“I love you, honey”

“I love you bee”

Y/N continued to smile holding the radio knowing she could continue the conversation with Daryl and he wouldn’t give a damn about his responsibilities at the Sanctuary just to continue for himself. He knew it was risky to take on the task of watching the shithole for a month, but both he and Y/N knew it was hard to say no to Rick. Though the biggest reason he said yes was knowing she wouldn’t give birth in the second trimester.

Shit can still happen but it doesn’t

Well, not literally.

Everything raced in Y/N’s mind as she watches Hershel Jr for an afternoon while Maggie gets a few things done for both her and her son, and the community she leads. Which included creating the farm plots outside the Hilltop walls as long as there were spikes protecting her home and the gardens.

“Your Uncle Daryl just loves seeing you, and I know he’s going to hog you when he arrives” Y/N smiles talking to Hershel Jr as he babbles while smiling up at his aunt. “You’re just…one happy little guy.” I miss Glenn she thought as she looked at his son feeling that awful anxiety return making her face contort to discomfort which the small child instantly took note of resulting in him mimicking her feelings. “No no no, I’m okay. You’re okay” she did her best at reassuring as she carefully picked Hershel up holding him protectively in her embrace quietly shushing his sobs.

A few hours passed and Maggie finally got a moment to herself as she plans to relieve Y/N of watching her son. But while she did expect Daryl to already be bothering his wife since he arrived an hour prior to her break, she was stopped by the archer.

“What are—-“

Daryl shushed Maggie quickly before showing that Y/N was asleep along with Hershel Jr happily laying on her enjoying the warmth she emitted. “Let’em sleep”

Maggie couldn’t agree more as she left him to admire the sight before she came back about an hour later for much needed baby time with her son.

When Y/N woke she noticed no baby and scrambled a bit too fast for her comfort resulting in her pause to hold her belly as Daryl instantly brought himself from the window to sit with her resting his hand over hers.

“Maggie got her son a bit ago. Didn’t wanna wake yea”

“You were supposed to wake me up when you got here” Y/N pouts only for her expression to instantly change to the bandage on Daryl’s thigh as she was instantly shushed by the man which was only going to make her angry.

“Nothin’ too serious just a bit of road rash”

“You spilled on your bike?!”

“Eh more like. Failed dismount” That rarely happens but one can imagine Daryl’s foot getting hooked onto his bike resulting in both him and the ride falling. Better than riding your bike and hitting a hole that sends you launching to your dea—-“Sunshine? You’re staring”

She really couldn’t help the tears that sprung on feeling Daryl’s calloused yet soft hands wipe them away when he noticed.

“I’m gonna be okay. Again, nothin’ serious” Daryl reassures, getting anxious when Y/N didn’t say another word on the matter but he knew she was thinking something. Her mind was never really one to be quiet. “Alright love, come here” he gestures for her to bring herself into his side leaning into him as he brought his arms around her, the hand in front of her instantly placing itself on her belly as she instantly brought her attention to such.

“She keeps kicking me in the ribs…but at least she’s positioned right”

“Good to know about the position…thing. But her kickin’ your ribs don’t sound comfortable”

“Want me to demonstrate?” Y/N jokes causing a small smile to break out when her man chuckled lightly to such before kissing her followed by a ‘no’. “Good. Shit sucks anyway”

Third Trimester

Daryl was already a hoverer. Now it was worse and a bit weirder. At least if you asked Y/N. She always found him somewhere in the room if he wasn’t right beside her and he’s really only hovering in case she “pops”. A word she now hates from what he uses it for.

“Siddiq is at the Hilltop. Should be back in the week in case you po—-“

“You have to stop saying that word. It’s weirding me out”

“Sorry” Daryl frowns watching Y/N struggle to get her shoes on and every time he tried to help, she would swat him away. Only frustrating the man who wants to take care of his pregnant wife.

The usual sigh of defeat is his indicator for him to go ahead and help.

“Do we have any pickles left?” Y/N asks with a pleading pout watching her man’s face change with his thoughts as he tied her shoes. “Or that jam Jerry made with his wife?”

“If this is another weird food combination, don’t make me try it” Daryl scoffs playfully but when he locked eyes with her she started tearing up and it was an instant shot through the heart. “No no please I’m sorry. I’ll try it if yea want me to”

“Yeah?” Her voice cracked watching him nod listening to him reassure her even if her mind was currently a pregnancy fogged mess.

While Daryl got up to get her her craving, Y/N felt that wave of anxiety, but with pain this time.

“Ouch” Y/N winced holding her belly and checking her watch that wasn’t totally rendered useless in the apocalypse where one can barely tell the time. It worked well for timing—-“Contractions?” She whispered to herself feeling the pain come suddenly the second time around. “Fuck.”

The archer didn’t come back immediately because her first “ow” followed by a few others, he didn’t hesitate to radio Siddiq or anybody in his vicinity to get him on. Once he was instructed on what to do while the doc makes his way over, Daryl stepped into the living room finding Y/N flinging her shoes off with a bit of struggle as she gripped her stomach.

“We gotta get you ready”

“Fuck off” She whined. “What the fuck do you think I’m doing” she cries when another painful contraction hit, making Daryl come to her side trying to help her up hoping their bed would make it more comfortable. But she immediately fought him making her cry more when she thought she had hit him too hard.

“Y/N. I’m gonna carry you”

“You’re gonna drop me”

“I’m not”

“But I’m fucking HUGE and in PAIN. You’re only going to irritate me”

“Well that ain’t new. You used to push me off the bed” Daryl scoffs not caring anymore about the love taps he was receiving when picking up his partner.

“Because you are a human heater! But then I’d start sobbing” She states, already doing so as she held onto Daryl when he carried her. He debated taking her to the infirmary instead but she’s fighting him just from moving her from the couch to the bed. It would’ve been worse going from the house to the infirmary.

“I’ve gotcha, love”

“You’re gonna drop me”

“Do you want me to drop you?”

“No!”

“Then I’m not” Daryl tried to fight back his laughter when he finally got her to bed, adding his pillow with her several ones to have her sit up. “I gotta radio Siddiq see where he’s at”

“Please don’t leave me” Y/N sobbed holding onto his arm as she curls up a bit when another contraction struck. Daryl held her arm feeling her nails dig into his as it only made his anxiety worse, imagining what hers was.

“I ain’t going anywhere love” Daryl reassures as he had his radio on him.

The entire time Daryl was on the radio trying to get an ETA on Siddiq, Y/N laid there uncomfortable as the tears build up thinking the worse possible things that could happen without a doctor or at least someone who’s delivered babies being there. She loosened her grip when he started to pull away only to get the things needed that Siddiq was telling him from the other side.

“Siddiq is close and he’ll come straight here” Daryl states setting towels down on the side of the bed by her feet. “Yea need anything? Y/N?” He frowns watching her hold her belly protectively. “Hey? Love—-“

“It’s gonna hurt…I-It’s already hurting but once she’s—-“

“Yeah but once she’s out then it’ll get—-“

“Oh it won’t be the same. It won’t be the same” Y/N started to laugh nervously concerning Daryl a bit given she was still crying and her contractions were getting closer. “What if I tear?!”

“Stitches”

“What if I bleed too much and—-“

“We’ve talked about that but not in the sense of this” He gestures to the situation. “We have solutions to these problems”

“Not if I die!” Y/N snaps suddenly and before Daryl could even reassure that anxiety, Siddiq knocked on the door making himself present along with other supplies needed.

It was about time and Y/N wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready this entire pregnancy because of everything that could go wrong and how much pain it’s going to become. Her grip on Daryl worsened, at this point he thought she was going to break his arm.

“You have to push on the next contraction, Y/N. Okay?” Siddiq’s words just went straight through her head, all she felt was the pain and Daryl’s hand squeezing hers. Which led to—-

“I-I can’t…” She sobbed to Daryl as he gently brushed away the hair sticking to her face. “It’s hurting and it’s getting worse. What if—-“

“Hey…just breathe, love” Daryl reassures bringing his free arm around her shoulders looking only at her as if it was only them in the room. “Breathe with me, alright?” And so she did while squeezing his hand every breath that was difficult to fulfill. “You’ve got this, sunshine. Just a few more then a lifetime with our girl”

Oh how the pain was all worth it in the end, and the anxiety simply slipped away…

The soft cries filled the room and both of their eyes were drawn to the little girl being held up wrapped in a towel. Y/N started to sob as Daryl pulled away for just a moment to cut the cord before being handed their daughter. He was already teary-eyed but now the archer was sobbing when he held their daughter and finally handed her to her mother.

Just breathe Y/N smiles through tear filled eyes at their little girl. Oh this beautiful little girl she held her close gently placing a kiss to her forehead.

“You did perfect, mamas” Daryl kisses Y/N’s forehead feeling him bring himself back to holding his partner as she held their little one.

“Thank you…”

“For?”

“For helping me bring this beautiful little girl to the world”

[illdowhatiwantthanks]

The Fig & The Lime (The Surprise, Part 5)

Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: pregnancy times, established relationship, fluff on fluff on fluff, vague references to sex, church times and references to religious trauma Word Count: 2.1k

Summary: As your risk of a miscarriage goes down, you and Emily decide it's time to start telling people about the baby. You decide to start with the hardest person: Emily's mom. And her reaction prompts you both to make your first major parenting decision together.

Week 11: The Fig

You couldn't remember sleeping more in your entire life. You felt like you’d reverted to infancy: eat, sleep, repeat. No matter how long you slept, it was never enough. By 10:00 AM, you needed a nap. Then again at 2:00. Maybe 4:00 as well. And at night? You were lucky to make it ‘til 8:00.

So Emily wasn’t surprised when she got back from her week-long case and found you fast asleep, curled up on your side of the bed, your glasses crooked on your nose and your thumb stuck in a book. She smiled lovingly at you, pausing just to stare at you for a minute, just to watch your chest move up and down, to listen to your little huffs of breath.

Emily set her go-bag down, removed the dirty clothes, and threw them in the closet hamper basketball-style. One missed and landed nearby on the floor. She shrugged, stupidly relieved that you’d been asleep for it. You would’ve made fun of her for missing.

She crept over to you, trying not to make a sound, and leaned down to brush your hair out of your face. She gently removed your glasses and set them on your nightstand, then slid the book out of your hands, careful to hold your place. Emily leaned down to place a soft kiss on your head, standing back to stare at you again.

She shook her head and smiled. How many years had you been together? Was it five now? Six? And she still got butterflies every time she saw you sleeping in her bed. There was just something so vulnerable about you when you were asleep, something precious and rare and beautiful. For Emily, sleeping around someone meant incredible trust, it meant believing that you were safe when you could do nothing to protect yourself. Emily didn’t feel that kind of safe around anyone except you. So it made her heart melt every time she found you sleeping, every time you let yourself drift off, every time she came home and you didn’t wake up because your body and mind felt so safe with her. Emily loved making you feel safe. And, to her, moments like this were the physical manifestation of a mission accomplished.

Emily took a quick shower, washing away the grime–physical and mental–of a week spent hunting a gang of serial killers. She put on a soft t-shirt and sweatpants and crawled into bed, calm flooding her body knowing that it was Saturday afternoon. She’d have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to do nothing but be with you.

As she wrapped her arm around your waist and pulled you to her, you breathed in sharply and blinked. For a moment, Emily felt guilty for waking you, but the guilt disappeared when you turned your head around, bleary-eyed and beaming.

“You’re home,” you breathed, voice raspy. You turned around so you could face her, then wrapping your body around hers and holding her as tightly as a snake, your head nestled in the crook of her neck. "You smell good," you mumbled.

Emily smiled. Half-awake, half-asleep you was her favorite because you were less self-conscious than usual. All-awake Y/N would feel a little embarrassed about wanting to be so, so close to her. All-asleep Y/N would have been, well, asleep. But halfway Y/N… Emily loved the way you pressed your body into hers, like you were making yourself a nest, a home, right there in her arms.

She kissed the top of your head, running her hands through your hair.

“I missed you,” Emily whispered. “Go back to sleep, love.”

“Wait, I have to show you something,” you groaned, stretching a bit and turning to lie on your back.

You took her hand and guided it down your body.

Emily raised her eyebrows and smirked. “Y/N, I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen this, but I’m happy to take another look if you want.”

You whacked her playfully, still not quite awake.

“No, you perv,” you grumbled. You pressed her hand down just above your pelvic bone. “Do you feel that?”

“It’s kind of hard, like a… like a bouncy ball or something.”

You nodded, smiling, your eyes drifting shut again. “It’s the womb.”

“It is!?” Emily sat up and crouched down above your belly, eager to see–though there wasn’t really much to see yet. She pressed on the spot gently with her fingers, staring at it wonderingly. 

The baby’s in there, she thought, giddily. My baby’s right there! She placed a kiss there, for you and for the baby.

“Does it feel weird?” she asked, glancing up at you when you didn’t answer. Your mouth hung open and you snored softly. She smiled; you’d fallen back asleep.

She kissed the spot where the baby was one more time, then kissed your shoulder, your cheek, your forehead. She manhandled you a bit so that you were snug in her arms, the way she knew you liked to be, even if you didn’t like admitting it. Emily wrapped one arm around you, and with the other, placed her hand over your womb, feeling the little rubber ball like it was magic and might disappear at any moment. But she knew the real magic was you, your body knitting together a child right there, right below her hand.

Week 12: The Lime

You glared at yourself in front of the mirror, tugging on your maxi skirt.

“You look beautiful, honey,” Emily said, leaning down to kiss your cheek. “Zip me up?”

You sighed and zipped up Emily’s dress, a red-and-white floral number, momentarily distracted from your own outfit by how truly stunning Emily looked.

“I wanted to wear a suit,” you grumbled. “You know I like suits better.”

“Well, Little Lime disagreed,” Emily replied, trying to hide a smile.

You weren’t showing yet, not really, but your custom suits didn’t fit anymore, and you were furious. It was Easter Sunday. You were going to Mass with Emily’s mom.

Neither of you were religious, but it was important to Elizabeth and, while Emily and her mom weren’t very close, Emily figured that once or twice a year, she didn’t mind seeing her mom–and she actually kind of liked going to Mass.

“You know I like to look extra gay when we go to church,” you complained as Emily pulled on a pair of heels. “What if they think we’re just friends?”

Emily chuckled, taking your hand and kissing the side of your head. “Baby, I’m pretty sure no one’s gonna think we’re just friends.”

You locked the apartment door behind you, still not entirely convinced.

“I mean, I can make out with you during the homily if it’ll make you feel better,” Emily teased.

“No.” You shook your head. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“You’re still okay with telling my mom about the baby?”

“Yeah,” you decided. “It’s time. Plus, when would we see her again?”

Emily shrugged. “I don’t know… New Year’s?”

You scoffed. “Yeah, I don’t think we should show up at Christmas Eve Mass with a surprise three-month-old.”

And with that, you headed to the one place you’d always assumed you’d never return to: church.

Elizabeth hugged Emily stiffly as you slid into the pew, then hugged you a little less stiffly. It wasn’t that she was homophobic exactly, it’s that she would have preferred Emily settle down with a man instead of a woman. But she liked you. You had a hard time with her, mostly because you knew that Emily, despite growing up with enough money to support about eight of your family, hadn’t had a happy childhood with her mom. But you did your best to be kind and gracious, for Emily’s sake. Emily didn’t want to be close to her mom, but she did want her in her life, and that was enough for you to try your best.

Emily had a complicated relationship with church. You’d grown up Baptist, not Catholic, so the solemnity and tradition of Catholicism was foreign to you. Despite being an atheist, Emily still found comfort in attending the occasional Mass. It was the repetition, she told you. The familiarity of it. You didn’t understand, not really. When you’d left religion, you had never wanted to step foot in a church again. But Emily was not you. There were parts of it that were home to her–as much of a home as she’d ever known moving around so much. And even though you didn’t understand, you honored and respected it.

You wondered, as the sounds of Latin and the smell of incense mingled around you, if Emily would want the baby to be baptized. You hadn’t discussed it. Religion wasn’t something you discussed often. You guessed you’d be okay with it, but you were adamantly opposed to raising a child to believe in God. Your own childhood had been filled with fiery stories of hell, tales of martyrdom that venerated toxic self-sacrifice, and the crushing, shameful, pervasive belief that something was inherently wrong with you–something that God had to fix.

You would never, never let your child believe that something was fundamentally wrong with her. Never. You wanted her to grow up believing that she was fundamentally right just the way she was. You made a mental note to discuss all this with Emily later. You assumed you’d be on the same page, since neither of you believed in God, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

After the service, Elizabeth took you out to eat at a very nice Italian restaurant. She ordered a bottle of wine for the table, and as the waiter leaned down to pour your glass, you tapped his arm.

“Just water for me, thank you,” you told him.

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows, looking back and forth between you and Emily.

“Something to share?” she asked.

Emily exhaled deeply and smiled at you. She was nervous, you could tell. She took your hand and looked at her mom.

“Yes, Mom. We are… having a baby. Y/N’s pregnant!”

“Well,” her mom responded, taking a sip of wine. Emily’s face fell. You could have slapped Elizabeth. “That’s… that’s excellent, dear. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Emily mumbled, and you squeezed her leg under the table. Most of the time she was so good at predicting her mom’s reactions. She was used to being let down and sidelined, used to her mom being disappointed in her. But sometimes, like anyone would, she let hope get the best of her, and got hurt all over again. Of course, Elizabeth had been lukewarm about your pregnancy. She’d been lukewarm about your marriage, lukewarm about your relationship. Hell, she was lukewarm about Emily in general.

You were glad that the baby–and Emily–had one side of the family that was truly over the moon about all of it. Your parents, you knew, would be giddy at the prospect of another grandchild. And your siblings would be thrilled to have a new niece or nephew. And Emily had told you before, often, that your family felt more family to her than hers ever had.

Later, when you came home, you cuddled up to Emily on the couch, leaning back into her chest. She had a faraway look in her eyes, absentmindedly running her fingers through your hair.

“Are you okay?” you asked quietly.

She sighed. “I don’t know what I expected.”

“You expected your mom to be happy you’re having a baby. That’s a reasonable expectation.”

“Not with her.”

You turned your head back to look at her, placing a hand on her cheek. “Emily. You deserve a family who celebrates with you. It’s not fair that she doesn’t do that. It’s okay to be upset.”

She seemed lost in thought for a while. You took one of her hands and played with her fingers.

“I don’t think we should go to Mass anymore.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

She nodded. “I don’t want him growing up in that.”

You felt your heart unclench a bit. All those earlier anxieties, unfounded.

“I don’t want you to feel like you’re losing something though," you told her. "You always said Mass felt like home.”

She pressed her face into your neck, kissing your shoulder. “It did for a long time. But I have other things that feel like home now. Like you. And Little Lime. And the BAU.”

Your heart surged. It was an honor to be the place where Emily felt at home. “No Mass then,” you said.

“No Mass.”

And just like that, your first big parenting decision together had been made.

[violetszone]

Rainbow Baby

Charles x fem!reader

From this request 

Summary: You had an accident and miscarriage when you were 3 months pregnant, but only Charles and a few relatives both of you knew that you were pregnant at the time of the accident. When you became pregnant again two years after the accident, this time you decided to not hide your baby and what happened in that accident.

WARNINGS: miscarriage, mental and physical problems, too much angst

A/n: not edited writing...

It was the third month of your pregnancy, although your belly was not very clear, certain people around you knew about her pregnancy. You were glad when Charles suggested not to explain the baby to the outside world until you felt comfortable, you didn't want all eyes on you.

Charles was always there for the baby and was very attentive to you even in the first months.That's why when you said you were going out to dinner with your friends tonight, he insisted you not go.You kept talking to tell him it's okay and you're feeling fine today.

You were so excited when you finally persuaded Charles that you kissed him and left the house and drove off in your car. Everything happened so fast, even before you could tell there was a car coming out of the tunnel, you heard a crash and your car started to drift towards the wall at the tunnel entrance.The last thing you remembered was siren sounds.

Charles was with you when you opened your eyes. He was in a mess, when he saw you, he smiled for a moment and got up from where he was sitting on the hospital bed next to you and sat on the hospital bed, held your hand, you were looking around trying to understand where you were.

You frowned and the first thing you did when you realized that you were in the hospital was to put your free hand on your stomach and look at your stomach, your eyes filled with tears. Charles shook your hand and hugged you tightly as you started to cry "I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry"

Losing your baby didn't affect you and Charles very well, but thanks to the love between the two of you, you were able to recover.It had been very difficult, but you believed that without Charles it would have been a wound that would never have healed.

Two years after the accident, the thing happened that made you both fully recover. You were pregnant again.This time you were both more sensitive, you knew this Rainbow baby would change your life.

This time you didn't want to hide the baby from the fans because you didn't want to make an effort to hide yourself and you didn't think you could mentally handle it.Charles, of course, supported you in this decision, he was aware that the last two years had a heavy impact on you rather than on him, so he stood by you in every decision as always.

For this reason, you prepared a joint post on Instagram and announced your rainbow baby to the whole world.Of course, within a few hours, the whole world was shaken by the news because most fans knew very well what a rainbow baby was.

Everyone seemed to go crazy, both of you started getting notifications and calls on your phones like crazy. You were expecting such a reaction but it hurt your heart that people were so knowledgeable about it because it probably meant that they experienced it too.

Charles was sitting next to you and when you looked into his eyes you saw again that man who could burn the whole world for you he took your hand and smiled at you "Charles, I think we should tell them, we can't keep it to ourselves any longer, they need to know what happened in that accident. After all, they know our baby now, I'm ready now I feel strong enough to talk about it"

Charles asked several times if you were sure about it, and each time you told him that you were fine and that it was important that you explain it.Starting from being actually pregnant at the time of the accident, you explained clearly how you collected yourself in these two years after the miscarriage and what your psychology was like.What Charles and you went through, what mental difficulties you struggled with, everything was in this article and you didn't hesitate to publish it, these were facts, you went through hard times.

Written from the point of view of the two of you, you explained what Rainbow baby means as a small footnote for those who don't know, while publishing this statement about what you've been through for two years, this baby was connecting you to life again.

You wanted not to answer the phone for a while after the statement was published because you kept thinking that there were people going through it and how hard it was for them too. Charles hugged you all day, you read books together and tried to stay away from everything electronic

When you looked at your phone in the evening, the news was really everywhere, everyone was sending support messages.Most women who have experienced this have sent you messages and the reason for your current sentimentality is that you were crying when you read their stories.

you felt more relaxed and now you were ready to live a new life when your rainbow baby was born.You could really feel the support that everyone sent, especially you were very grateful to Charles, who did not leave your side even though he was not well during these two years.This baby would be a new hope for all of you.

[spncrscasey]

Workaholic (j.w.)

Fandom/Characters: House M.D. - James Wilson x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3k

Summary: Children either bring couples together, or push them apart. Unfortunately in your case, it was the latter.

Warnings: baby talk, miscarriage, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, unhealthy coping mechanisms, tumor/cancer mention, happy ending don't worry, and a BUNCH of pet names (these people are sickly in love- its insane)

a/n: almost finished with season 1 of house and i love wilson so so much, he’s such a cutie patootie. anyway i don’t know how accurate this is because i haven’t seen much of the show yet so im going off spoilers and random reasearch lol but hopefully it makes sense and yall enjoy it <3

You were currently sitting in the bathroom of your office staring at the test in front of you. You couldn’t believe it. Two lines. You were pregnant.

You were elated. As the Head of Pediatrics, you had ample experience working with children, which made you even more excited about the chance of being a mom since starting a family has always been a dream of yours.

However, you were unsure about how your husband would react to the news. Although you had discussed having kids with James on a few occasions, you never officially agreed to start trying. So it would be an understatement to say that you felt nervous about telling him.

You let out a sigh, carefully sliding the test into your pocket before hesitantly rising to your feet. Despite your concerns, you had to tell him, he has the right to know. Leaving your office, you made your way to the Oncology Department to seek out your husband.

Once you approached his office, you noticed the door slightly ajar, letting you know he was inside. You took a deep breath before gently pushing the door open.

“Hey, dear,” you said smiling at him when he looked up from his files to meet your eyes.

“Hi there sweetheart, how's my favorite girl doing?” He rose from his chair and sauntered around his desk to reach you, where he wrapped his arms around your waist, placing a chaste kiss on your cheek.

You didn't respond right away opting to look at your shoes and avoid his eyes, anxious about the news you were about to deliver. He was instantly worried, furrowing his brows in confusion. “Is everything okay?”

“James, honey, I have something I need to tell you.” You whispered but he heard it anyway.

“Of course Y/N, anything.” His voice dripped with fear as he anticipated what you were about to tell him. Considering you were wife number four, he was bracing himself for you to finally tell him you were leaving. Preparing for the worst, almost expecting the divorce papers even though your marriage had been nothing but perfect.

Yet his thoughts were cut short when you blurted out the information you'd been keeping in for the last twenty minutes. “I’m pregnant.”

You gazed into his eyes, trying to decipher his emotions, but they revealed nothing. His expression was unreadable, leaving you feeling even more uneasy.

“We're going to have a baby?” He questioned, shocked. You nodded and pulled out the pregnancy test to show him. He held it, staring at it, bewildered. It was clear he was processing the information, but his thoughts were kept hidden. Yet, you felt optimistic, hopeful that he wasn't showing signs of being upset.

“We’re having a baby!” He repeated with an enormous grin on his face, instantly enveloping you in a tight embrace.

As you hugged him back, a yelp of excitement escaped your lips. He lifted you off the ground, spinning you around as your laughter filled the air. You gently caressed his cheeks, planting quick and tender kisses all over his face. Joy radiating off of the both of you.

He slowly placed you back on the floor, eliciting a giggle from your lips at the way he was suddenly handling you with caution. “Relax, Jamie, I won't break. You don't have to be so careful, you know.” You reassure him, fingers tangling in his hair.

“You're carrying our baby! Some might say I'm not being careful enough!” He exclaimed back, resting his hands on your hips.

There's a comfortable silence for a moment while you both hold each other as everything sinks in.

“I'm glad you're okay with this.” You admit, leaning your forehead against his.

“Okay? Baby, I've never been happier! This is the best day of my life— well, besides the day I met you obviously.” He clarifies, earning a chuckle from you.

“You’re going to be a great dad, James.”

“And you're going to be an even greater mom, sweetheart.” He responds before delicately pressing his lips against yours.

You were eleven weeks pregnant. Your OB mentioned you'd be able to find out the baby's gender at your next appointment. Which you were on the way to right now. James couldn't make it due to a consult House had dragged him to but you reassured him that it was fine. You'd surprise him with a mini gender reveal celebration later.

You already had it planned. You'd go to the baby store and buy an article of clothing corresponding to the gender and wrap it in white to keep it concealed. It would be a special moment between you that you'd cherish for the rest of your life. Just the simple thought of it brought a smile to your face as you walked into the exam room, waiting to be checked out.

The nurse finally entered the room and began the procedure. She squeezed the gel onto your stomach and started the ultrasound. You watched intently, still struggling to comprehend the fact that there was an actual baby growing inside of you. The baby you and James had created, the baby your love had created. Your eyes twinkled in happiness at the idea of the family you'd soon become, the corners of your lips turning upwards.

Your smile faltered though when you noticed a momentary expression on the nurse's face that made you apprehensive. Before you were able to analyze it further, she left, informing you that the doctor would see you shortly.

Your heart began racing. What could that mean? Was the baby okay? Were you okay? What was wrong? Yes, you were a doctor, but suddenly all medical knowledge had left your brain. It's like you couldn't focus on anything but the notion that something was clearly not alright.

Your obstetrician stepped into the room, stopping you from spiraling further. A solemn expression on her face.

“Dr. Montgomery- How’s the baby? Is everything okay? Can we know the sex?” You hurriedly asked, letting it all out at once.

“Y/N, I'm sorry. You've had a miscarriage.” She said, looking at you sympathetically.

The world around you suddenly froze in place. Doctor Montgomery’s lips continued to move, providing information, but no sound reached your ears. It was as if her voice was distant and muffled, and all you could concentrate on was the fact that your baby was gone.

Your surroundings suddenly became blurry, hands trembled uncontrollably. How could this have happened? Both you and James had been incredibly careful and wary throughout the pregnancy. What went wrong?

You didn't even realize when she exited the room, leaving you in solitude with your thoughts. You felt numb, detached from the world that kept on spinning as if the devastating news didn't matter. Why was everyone going about their day as if nothing had happened when you had just received such heartbreaking news about not being able to have your baby? You hated it. You were mad at the world, mad at the doctor, mad at yourself.

You got to your feet and made your way to your husband's office, almost as if on autopilot. It felt surreal like your body was being guided by some invisible force through the busy corridors. It was as though your legs were moving of their own accord, taking you where you needed to be, letting your mind wander.

You suddenly found yourself standing in front of the glass doors, unsure of how you had ended up there in the first place. You hesitantly pushed the door open and entered.

As if you hadn't been through enough today, James’ office was found to be empty. The one person you needed at the moment wasn't here, which frustrated you even more. Logically, you knew it wasn't his fault. He's a doctor too. He probably got stuck with House’s consult, yet you were too distraught to think clearly, your distress clouding your judgment. So instead, you took a seat on the couch, waiting for his eventual return.

You sat there, lost in thought, staring into space, unaware of how much time had passed. Not even the sound of the office door being pulled and James entering could draw your attention.

He, however, saw you. Face instantly beaming. “Hey hun, how was the appointment?” He inquired, clueless to your expression since you had your back turned.

Noticing your lack of acknowledgment, he swiftly rushed over to you. Kneeling in front of your seated body, taking your hands in his. “Y/N, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

His touch finally snapped you out of your thoughts, causing you to meet his concerned gaze. Tears filled your eyes as you whispered, barely audible, “I lost it.”

“Lost what angel? What's going on?” He questioned further, slowly moving his hands to cup your face.

“The baby, James. I lost our baby,” You explained, letting out a sob while falling forward.

He quickly caught you, putting his hands around you to hold you tightly, unable to believe the news himself. He clutched onto you, not only in a way to comfort you but himself as well. Tears kept streaming down your face, and the reality of the situation finally sank in. It felt like you hadn't come to terms with it until just now. You nuzzled your face into his chest, no doubt soaking his dress shirt, but you were too overwhelmed to care.

You could hear a few sniffles coming from him too, which only added to the heartbreak you were feeling. Knowing that you were the cause of his pain, the reason behind his tears. It made it all the more unbearable. The realization that you were the one who had resulted in the end of the life of the baby you both had hoped to raise was finally getting through to you, and it was crushing.

If you had communicated your feelings, he would have immediately reassured you that he would never hold you responsible for this. And he would have been right. No matter how upsetting it may be, these things happen, it wasn't your fault. But your brain wasn't functioning right presently, and all it could see was the pain you believed you were causing the both of you.

You lost track of how long the two of you held each other like that. Time was spent with you mostly crying, and him trying to hold himself together while whispering sweet nothings into your ear. It was supposed to be comforting, but it wasn't. Nothing he said would bring your baby back. You let him try regardless, knowing it was his way of coping with the loss.

It had been two weeks since you found out. Two weeks since your life changed for the worse.

There were many ways to deal with a loss. Attend grief support groups, see a therapist, journal, meditate— yet here you were, ignoring all of those and overworking yourself to death instead.

In your head, if you couldn't save and care for your own baby, you were determined to do it for others.

As a result, over the past two weeks, you've thrown yourself into your work. You'd been getting home late while leaving early in the mornings, picking up extra shifts, and spending more time at the clinic— all to avoid confronting the event that occurred.

Was it healthy? No. Was it working? Yes.

You found yourself isolating from everyone and everything. Even your own husband. You didn't mean to avoid him, it just happened that way because you were hardly ever at home anymore. Cuddy had even asked you to go home and rest up on multiple occasions but you refused each time, insisting that you were fine.

You were currently at the clinic, examining a patient who had an unknown mass in her stomach. It was likely a tumor so you were forced to page your husband, Dr. Wilson, Head of Oncology.

You didn't want to do it, knowing that if you paged him here, the conversation would end with him forcing you to open up. As it would be the first time you two would have an actual exchange in the last two weeks. But for your patient's sake, you were ready to set aside your personal issues and focus on her well-being. So you did what you had to do, and hesitantly paged him.

He was inside the exam room within five minutes.

Unbeknownst to you, seeing your name on his pager spiked his heart rate. He hadn't truly spoken to his wife in what felt like forever and seeing that she needed him was a relief. This was finally his opportunity to talk to you.

“You paged me, Dr. Y/L/N?” He asked as he stepped inside.

“Yes actually, Dr. Wilson, could you check what that mass is on the left side of her abdomen?” You pointed toward where the mass was.

“May I?” He asked the patient, motioning towards her body to which she nodded.

Upon receiving the woman's permission, he proceeded to examine the mass. He assessed that there was a high likelihood of it being a tumor, but a biopsy should be scheduled to confirm the diagnosis and see whether it is cancerous or not.

You thank him and turn back to the lady. “You're free to go, ma'am. I'll schedule the biopsy and the hospital will call to let you know when it is.” You inform her as she leaves.

After she leaves the room, you tidy up and restore everything to its original state before attempting to turn toward the door when you feel a tug at your wrist.

“That's it?”

“Is what it? I thanked you for your assistance now I'm going to order the biopsy you mentioned. Did I do something wrong Dr. Wilson?”

“You realize we're alone right? You don't have to be so formal.” He replies, tone filled with something you couldn't put your finger on.

Before you had a chance to reply he continued, “Why haven't you been coming home?” This time you understood his tone, accusatory.

“I have been.”

“Oh that's right, you get home every day past midnight and leave before sunrise. So you're home about what? 4-5 hours?” He summarizes.

“What do you want me to say, James?” You sigh.

“I want you to talk to me! Talk to your husband. Let me in! Stop avoiding me Y/N!” He raises his hands in the air, exasperated.

“I'm not avoiding you, I've just been busy with work.” You reply, purposefully ignoring the first part of his statement.

“Believe me, we've all realized how much of a workaholic you are.” He rolled his eyes.

You both stayed silent for a moment before he spoke up, voice softer this time, “Honey I know losing the baby was hard but-”

You cut him off before he could finish the sentence. The sudden mention of your baby made you see red.

“Don't you dare mention my baby.” You spoke, voice sharper than a thousand knives.

“That was my baby too, Y/N! This loss has been difficult for me too!” He yelled back, making you flinch yet you didn't back down.

“Really? Because I don't recall you being there that appointment.” It was a low blow and you were aware of it. You didn't truly blame him but you were being put on the defensive and you were willing to say anything that would get him to drop the topic.

“That's not fair and you know it,” He shook his head in disbelief.

“What's not fair is that our child is gone, James. Gone.” You let out, voice shaking at the last word.

“I know sweetheart, I know.” He pulled you in and you let him, willingly giving into the embrace you'd missed so much. He held you with one arm while using the other hand to stroke up and down your back like he'd done many times before. The comforting touch, so familiar yet so longed for, enveloped you, evoking a profound sense of solace. In that fleeting moment, serenity washed over you, bringing a deep sense of peace, even if it was temporary.

“I don't deserve this.” You mumble into his chest.

He moves his hands to your shoulders, pushing you aside to get a better look at your face, “What do you mean?”

“I don't deserve your kindness. I killed our baby and here you are- comforting me.”

He looked at you dumbfounded. Like you had just said the most idiotic statement known to man. You were blaming yourself for this? He grabbed your chin, bringing your face up so you could look at him.

“Y/N, you know I never blamed you for any of this right?” He asked rhetorically. Knowing you wouldn't answer, he continued, “You didn't kill anyone. You're not responsible for what happened. It's not your fault. I need you to understand that.” He said firmly.

“I just feel so empty James, like a part of me is missing. A part that I'll never be able to get back- and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.” You confess, eyes shutting in exhaustion.

He moves one hand to the back of your head, absentmindedly playing with your hair, soothing you while you speak.

“It feels like this emptiness is going to last forever and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that Jamie.”

Oh, how he had missed hearing that nickname leaving your lips. It made him feel at home.

Perhaps things were slowly getting better.

“It's going to take time, but we’ll get through it Y/N. I promise. Let's just take it one day at a time, alright?”

You nodded, lips slightly quirking up.

“I'm sorry for pushing you away and avoiding you for two weeks.” You look down, embarrassed. “I also apologize for not being there for you. I know you've been dealing with this too and it wasn't right of me to abandon you in a time of need where I should've been by your side instead.”

“That’s okay,” he says drawing you in closer once more, wrapping his arms around you making you sway back and forth. “Just promise me that you'll come home with me tonight, so we can enjoy a nice and relaxing bath together.” He adds.

“Oh, I definitely promise that.” You reply, smirking at him before adding, “I love you.”

“And I love you, angel.”

[mydemimonde]

my tears ricochet — aemond targaryen x reader one-shot

warnings: angst with no happy ending. mention and description of miscarriage, depression, character death, aemond being an asshole. no beta reading! i like alys but i needed to make her kind of a bitch for this

words: 4500ish

A/N: i hope you like this little piece of writing, took me like five hours lmao. english is not my first language so expect some mistakes. i have an upcoming fic with aemond x oc, if you're interested in reading it, here's a sneak peak. enjoy your reading! ♡

We gather here, we line up Weeping in a sunlit room, and If I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes too

The words that left Aemond’s mouth cut deep in your skin. Your heart was heavy, a huge sharp pain was pressing your chest and you felt like vomiting. You were thankful you were sitting, otherwise your legs would have failed you.

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, you could only hear his muffled voice, as if it was distant. The air grew thick with tension as Aemond’s words hung between you two, the Sun lighting the dark room.

“Alys and I…”

You have heard plenty of rumours about your husband and that woman in Harrenhal. You refused to believe them, you were sure your husband was an honourable man who loved you and respected you deeply. But apparently it was not like that.

All you could do was stare blankly at the fireplace, no emotion showing in your face, your hands together on your lap and some tears falling down on your cheeks, while he kneeled before you, explaining to you what happened, tears spilling from his eyes at the fact that he betrayed you. His dear wife.

“I swear to you, Y/N” he placed his hand on his chest, his voice broken and barely above a whisper “there is nothing else between us. I ended the matter”.

You stopped a bitter laugh from escaping your lips. Ended the matter? That was far from happening, you were sure of it. That morning, when he arrived with Cole and his men, a brunette lady in a green dress came as well.

Oh, yes. He even dared to bring her to the Keep.

According to Aemond, before he confessed his betrayal, that woman was an important asset to win the war for the Iron Throne against his half-sister and uncle. She could see things before they happened, she had visions and he needed her.

But to you, it was beyond that.

How could he betray you in that way and have the audacity to bring the woman he betrayed you with to your home? How could he do such a thing to you after everything you had to endure?

Memories of the weeks after you lovely wedding flashed through your mind.

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day

“I’m so sorry, Aemond,” you said in between sobs, hiding your face from him. You were sitting on your shared bed after the maester left your chambers. It was your second failed pregnancy, apparently you were not fertile enough for a healthy one.

The world shattered around you, you wanted to cry and scream until your throat hurt, you wanted to set everything on fire. You were not capable of keeping a child safe in your womb, you were not capable of giving your husband an heir.

“Shh, my sweet love,” Aemond’s voice was soft, his hand caressing your back as the other went to take your hands and uncover your face. Your eyes and nose were red and puffy, tears still streaming down your cheeks. He wiped the tears with his thumb and hugged your shaking figure, trying to calm you down. “Listen to me. This was not your fault. None of it”

“But, Aemond, I-”

“No,” he interrupted, looking at you with a serious expression. “Do not blame yourself for this. It is a terrible thing that happened, yes. But by no means was it your fault, I want you to understand that” his thumb stroked your cheek as you regained your breath.

“Aemond, you heard the maester. I’m incapable of giving you a child” water began to pool in your eyes again, remembering what the wise man told you with a sorrowful look.

He nodded. “Yes, I have heard him. But I do not love you less for that. Y/N, I love you for being you, my dear wife. Not for what you can or cannot give me. I only care and crave for your love.”

You believed every word he said, every promise, every look directed at you and every touch he gave you. Oh, how stupid you felt now.

Since you were not looking at him nor saying anything, he took your hands in his. That caught your attention and you flinched, finally looking at him.

With a quivering and threatening voice, you managed to say: “Get out”.

After that morning, you still slept in the same chambers and bed. You slept on your edge of the bed, turning your back to him, while he slept on his side. Sometimes you felt him staring at you, he would try to touch you or talk to you, but you were very clear to him. You needed time to think, needed time to forgive him, and he decided to respect that.

However, after feeling the bed shift every night while you pretended to sleep and hearing his footsteps early in the morning right before waking up, you decided you would not forgive him.

You cried into your pillow every time he left, spending the night in another chamber. Her chambers.

Soon you began feeling terribly sick, you would wake up with nausea, vomiting your breakfast and with awful migraines.

“You are with child, princess” the maester’s words echoed in your head, trying to assimilate them.

“That… that’s impossible” you shook your head and smiled sadly. “I have already lost two. I am not capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy” you repeated the words the maester had told you several moons before.

The old man chuckled. “You are almost three moons in, princess” you blinked. “You need to trust this old man. This one is safe. But listen very carefully” his expression turned serious, your eyes wide with surprise as you nodded. “It is imperative that you follow a healthy diet to keep this child safe. You must avoid all kinds of strong emotions and stressful situations.”

Oh. Right.

You just nodded, taking mental note of his suggestions. “Thank you, master”.

He left your chambers and you stayed there, standing next to the fireplace, a hand lingering on your belly. You were now with child. Aemond’s child. You swallowed hard and took a deep breath, thinking about what to do next, but especially about how you were feeling.

Happy? Relieved? Sad? It was all a mix of feelings that made you uneasy. You’ve been confirmed that this was a safe pregnancy, or at least it was if you followed the maester’s instructions. You should be happy, right?

But after remembering what Aemond had told you weeks before and his activities during the nights, you realised that happiness was impossible. You were unsure if after you told him the news, he would stop seeing her. After all, he promised their affair would cease, and he did not keep his word.

The sound of someone knocking on the door pulled you from your trance. “Yes?”

Queen Alicent, your mother-in-law stepped in the room. Her eyebrows were furrowed, a worried look in her face. “My dear, I have seen the maester come from your chambers”. She came closer to you, examining you and taking one of your hands in hers. “Is there anything wrong?”

You opened your mouth to say something, but you could not find the words. “I- uhm” you cleared your throat and looked at your hands. “I’m fine, your Grace”

Alicent tilted her head. “You’re with child, aren’t you?” you lifted your head, your gaze wide and lips parting. She only smiled. “A mother notices things. I have noticed you have been feeling ill. Nausea and migraines” she explained, leading you to sit down on the edge of the bed. “I started with the same symptoms when I had Aegon in my womb. And from the look on the maester’s face, it appears that you and the baby will be safe”

You just blinked at her words. Certainly, mothers can notice things.

“Indeed, your Grace” suddenly you felt like crying. “I do not know how to tell Aemond, he-” you closed your eyes and looked at your hands. You took a deep breath as Alicent caressed your hair. You looked back up at her. “I know he has been seeing that witch every night. I see him do that. He swore to me he would stop, but-”

The Queen nodded and grimaced. She did not like that woman either. It was a shame for her that her (favourite) son would bring her mistress there. The fact that he in fact had a mistress was a shame itself. How could he disrespect his wife, his mother and his whole family like that?

Something inside you told you she already knew. “I’m so sorry, my dear” she hugged you and you felt at peace for a moment. Queen Alicent was truly like a mother to you.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

After your conversation with Queen Alicent, you decided to tell Aemond the news. For a moment, you hoped that if he heard what you had to say, he would immediately abandon the witch’s side and come back to you. You may still forgive him after all…

The Queen had arranged a feast in your honour. It would be the moment where you would tell him the news, with the rest of the family. You met Aemond in your chambers, right when you were finishing preparing yourself, you were combing your long hair when he entered the room.

His expression confused you. “I am afraid, my love, that I will not be able to escort you to supper. I have some unattended matter in the Council”

You frowned and felt quite disappointed. “But you will be able to attend, right?” you already felt a wave of desperation through your body. “Your mother has arranged this in our honour, you must not be absent.”

Aemond let out an exasperated sigh that took you by surprise. “I will, Y/N. It is just that I will be joining later with Cole, that is all.”

And so you walked to the Great Hall alone. Aegon, Helaena, Otto and Alicent, as well as some members of the Council —except from Aemond and Cole, of course— were already there, waiting for you.

When Alicent saw you entering the Hall with a blank expression and no sight of Aemond by your side, the corners of her mouth curved downwards. She approached you. “My dear Y/N, where is Aemond?”

You lifted your eyebrows. “He said he would be late. He had matters to attend in the Council.”

Her expression softened as she caressed your arm. “Well then, come with me. Let us have a seat and we may wait for him” you followed the Queen and sat next to her, to her right. There was an empty seat next to you, meant for Aemond.

You fidgeted with your hands on your lap, anxiety coursing through your veins as you lifted your head to glance at the doors. You have been there waiting for almost twenty minutes, the musicians were already playing some quiet music, the sound of people chatting filled your ears. 

Suddenly, the doors opened. Everyone stood up from their chairs and the music stopped. It was Ser Criston Cole who entered. Alone. He found your gaze in the crowded room, a sorrowful and sorry look on his face.

Nothing could have prepared you for what you had to witness later. Your husband made his way into the Hall, with Alys Rivers on his arm next to him. 

One of her hands lingered over her belly.

You heard Alicent scoff next to you, shaking her head at the sight. You, on the other hand, could not utter a word. You felt sick to your stomach, you wanted to run away from there. But your feet did not seem to move, it was as if they were glued to the floor.

Aemond met your empty gaze for a few seconds before moving towards the chairs in front of him. He pulled one for Alys, she thanked him with a soft smile that he returned and sat.

You could not stand being there, in the same room as them.

You turned your heels and ran away from there as soon as you could, tears spilling and making your vision blurry as your legs moved fast. You heard footsteps behind you, and a soft grip on your arm made you stop in your tracks. You turned your head and saw Aemond’s eye scanning you, noticing the way your cheeks were damped with your tears.

“Y/N, let us go back to the Hall”

Rage flowed through you like dragonfire. “Get your fucking hands off me!” you yelled with a brittle voice and freed from his grip with a strong tug.

That took Aemond by surprise, his wide eye proving it. You were staring at him like he was the biggest scum in the world. Which he was. And that felt like a dagger through his heart.

“Y/N, my dear, please listen to me” he pleaded with a low voice, trying to reach your hand.

“So now that whore is part of the Council?” you answered bitterly. He did not move nor said anything. “How dare you humiliate me in front of everyone? How dare you disrespect your wife and your mother in such a way?” you spat, nostrils flaring with anger.

Once again, he tried to reason with you. “My love, I promis-” he was interrupted by a slap across his face, startling him.

“Do not fucking call me that” you warned him, waving your index finger to him to turn around and leave to your chambers.

That night, you just let the anger and sadness take over you, sobbing into the pillow as Aemond heard everything outside the door. He stayed there the whole night, his back against the cold door, waiting for you to open it. But you refused to let him in, and so he fell asleep on the floor.

He was awakened by Cole in the early hours of the morning, and since he did not hear an answer when he knocked on the door, he forced it open, searching for you. But you were nowhere to be found.

He called your name, but you did not answer. He just heard some muffled sobs in the toilet, the door was locked. “Y/N? Y/N please, let me in.”

You just muttered a small “Please, leave me alone”. Aemond’s gaze fell to the floor for a few moments, and he was ready to leave you again, you just needed time to think. You would come to your senses again, and you would listen to what he had to say. Everything would be back to normal.

Just when he was ready to leave with Cole, he heard the sound of metal hitting the ground, so he forced the door, worried about you. What he saw made his breath hitch.

You were on your knees on the floor, crying, your hands and the white gown you wore to sleep was covered in blood. Your blood. Your gaze found his, and you managed to yell. “I said leave me alone!”

Aemond fell to your side immediately, ordering Cole to fetch a maester. He began examining you, trying to find the source of the blood, but you were not harmed. He lifted your gown and saw your legs damped with blood as well. He looked at you, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Y/N…”

“Almost three moons in” you cut him. “The maester said it would be a safe pregnancy, if I followed his instructions. Avoid stressful situations.”

Aemond’s heart dropped listening to your words. He could not say a word for a while, he just kept looking at you. “I-I’m so sorry, Y/N, I didn’t-”

“Sorry does not change anything” your voice was harsh, your eyes felt like daggers on him. “You chose her over me. You chose her over our marriage, our baby, and now our child is gone. Is gone because of you. You killed it.”

He felt everything around him stop, it was like you took his heart and squeezed hard with your cruel words. But he deserved it. He deserved all your anger, and more.

“Go back to her. She needs you, Aemond, I’m sure she does. The baby she carries needs his father, do not do the same you did to me” you swallowed, watching his reaction.

“Y/N, I told you, we ended everything. She was at supper with me last evening because as you well said, she is part of the Council. She is valuable” he was trying so hard to make you believe his words.

You laughed bitterly. “Do you think I’m stupid, Aemond? I know what you do every night, when I pretend to sleep. I know you go back to her. Every fucking night. You reek of her, Aemond” you sneered at him, letting him see how much you hated him now. “I know for sure she is expecting a child, your child.”

Tears began to spill from your eyes again, but you did not let them fall. You did not wish for him to see you that vulnerable again.

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

After the maester had arrived, he instructed Aemond to leave the chambers. Your words and the way you looked at him with hate, no not hate, repulsion, were still engraved in his mind. As he left the room he heard your sobs, it was a sound that broke his heart. How could he hurt you, his beloved wife? He was responsible for your heartbreak and the loss of your child.

That day he decided he would try once again to have your trust and love back. He sent a maester to Alys’ chambers to give her moon tea. Then, a guard would escort her outside the Keep, a carriage would be waiting for her to return to her home.

He let that affair and bargain destroy his marriage, but he would do anything to amend it.

He went to your shared chambers, it was a cold night, the wind howled outside the Keep and only his footsteps were heard in the corridors. He opened the door, the wind was so strong it threatened to close it, but Aemond was stronger and managed to open it. He expected to see you lying on your bed, resting after the maester gave you some milk of the poppy, but he did not see you there.

Aemond looked around the dark room and found you in your white gown. His heart began to pound fast in his chest, his hands began to shake as he caught sight of you, your feet perched on the window still looking down.

His steps were silent, calculated, trying not to scare you. But you already knew he was there, you heard the door being opened and you knew it was him. You did not look back at him, not even when he was begging you not to do anything insane. He came closer, carefully offering you his hand.

“Y/N please,” his voice gentle yet tinged with desperation. “Step back, please, just take my hand”.

At the sound of his voice, you slowly turned around, facing him with empty eyes. His eyebrows drew together in deep concern, his lips slightly parted. He let out a small sigh of relief as you placed your hand on his palm, but before he could grab it, you gave him what could only be described as a sad smile and slipped through his fingers, letting yourself fall.

Your funeral was held a few days later, Aemond gave Vhagar the command to set your corpse on fire. As Vhagar saw the tears in her rider’s eyes, she let out a loud roar, full of sorrow. Aemond stared at the flames, incapable of moving as his cheeks were wet with warm tears.

As he turned to leave, however, he felt a certain uneasiness. He began looking around the field, and he swore he saw your figure standing behind a tree, watching him. He blinked rapidly, but you disappeared.

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky) And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)

That night after the funeral, Aemond cried silently as he clung to one of your dresses. It still had your smell, it was as if you were right there with him. In the dimly lit room, shadows danced like spectres, casting an otherworldly ambiance.

It was right there, through tear-blurred vision, that he saw you. Your ghostly figure stood next to the window, looking through it, an apparition bathed in a haunting glow. You were sobbing. Aemond's breath caught in his throat, the ache in his chest growing immeasurably.

“Y/N?” he asked with a trembling voice, standing up slowly to approach you. Your sobbing never ceased as you turned to see him. Your eyes were glinted with a seething anger, the tears you shed were like salt in his wounds, a reminder of the pain he had inflicted upon you.

Just before he could get closer to you, you climbed to the window sill. A strangled cry escaped his lips as he realised what you intended. He lunged forward, his hand outstretched in a futile attempt to stop you, but it was too late. You jumped, slipping through his fingers once again.

Aemond could not sleep well. After that, he began seeing you and feeling you everywhere. During his training, when he could not concentrate and fell on his back missing Cole’s attacks, he saw your figure staring at him from the roof. During his visits to the library, in the solemn silence, he could hear your sobs. During supper, he could feel your hand linger over his shoulder, just like the way you used to do.

He would see your reflection in the mirror, looking at him with pure anger, your face contorted with rage.

Every night, the same thing would happen. He would see you standing next to the window, sobbing, turning to glare at him just to jump afterwards. He had to witness your death over and over again, slipping through his fingers. It was driving him insane.

He was sleep deprived. He requested the maesters to give him something so that he could find sleep. However, your late visits never ceased. You continued haunting him, he did not know what else to do to stop this.

One night, there was a storm raging outside, loud thunders and lightning streaking across the sky illuminated the room. Aemond drank the tea the maester had given him earlier, trying to get some rest.

Your sobs interrupted his peaceful sleep. He rubbed his eyes and saw you standing there, looking at him with a mix of rage and sorrow. Before you could repeat the actions from previous nights and climb through the window, he dashed across the room and fell to his knees.

“Y/N, I beg you!” he pleaded through a strangled cry, his hands clutching his chest. You turned your body to him, watching as he cried before you, his other hand covering his face. “I am miserable without you, my love. I am so sorry for the pain and suffering I caused you!”

Your sobs came to a halt, listening to his desperate laments and pleadings. You approached him without saying a word and he lifted his head to look at you.

“I am living in torment, I am in agony, Y/N. I know I hurt you deeply, I know I deserve all of this” he moved his hands, gesturing at the room. “I’ll carry the guilt of what happened to you and our child with me, always.” His voice was full of remorse, his hands shaking terribly as he spoke.

He swallowed and closed his eyes, feeling the weight on his shoulder starting to vanish. He could not apologise to you when you were alive, the guilt ate him. But now he had the opportunity to do so, even if it was too late.

Your hardened expression softened at his words, feeling your heart clenching at the sight of him like this.

“Aemond.” Your voice came out as a haunting whisper, as if the wind carried it, and it reached his ears, sending shivers through his spine. “I cannot leave this place. I am a prisoner here.” You explained as you extended a hand to caress his cheek. Your touch was cold against his skin, but he closed his eyes and leaned into it.

“You caused me great pain, husband. This is why I haunt you every day and night.”

Aemond’s eyes opened and he rose to his feet. He took your pale cold hands in his and looked into your eyes. “I beg you to forgive me, Y/N. I cannot undo the past, I wish I could. But I need you to do that. You need to be free as well, I do not wish you to continue suffering.”

Your brows furrowed and your eyes became watery. “I loved you, Aemond. I loved you til my very last day.”

“I still love you, Y/N. And I apologise for everything. You were too good for me.” A tear ran down his cheek, a bittersweet smile graced his features as the memories of your happy marriage filled his mind. Fragments of your laugh, your smile, the way your eyes would shine with love as you looked at him. Fragments of your life together before his mistakes.

Your foreheads touched. “I loved you, Aemond. But I cannot forgive you” you whispered and he gulped. He could feel your breath fanning his face, your lips were so close to touching.

Aemond did not know if it would be wise to kiss you, but he missed you so much and longed for your touch, your lips, his body and heart ached.

Your hands were carefully placed around his neck, and you chose to close the distance giving him a sweet kiss from your cold clay lips.

The next day after the ferocious storm, Aemond's lifeless form lay on the ground, next to the window. He was found by Cole and Otto, who walked into his chambers after not hearing word from the Prince all morning.

They gathered around him. His eye was closed, his slightly parted lips holding the faintest trace of a serene smile. His death was sudden, and it was said he died from the pain of losing his wife and child. It could have not been an attack, there were no signs of it, no signs from any wound in his body.

There were no signs of violence, other than the strange marks of slender fingers, like ghostly imprints around his neck.

taglist: @moonlightfoxx

[loulouwrites]

HAUNTED . TOMMY SHELBY

summary: tommy's wife knows their stately home is haunted, he doesn't believe her. warnings: mdni, angst, depression, postnatal depression, psychosis, endangering a child, death, suicide, miscarriage, religion, infidelity, grace doesn't exist (yayy!) word count: 1.9k a/n: this deals with really heavy stuff so if you're sensitive to any of the warnings, please don't read this x

It had been a happy marriage.

They had met after Tommy had returned from France. She and her family had moved to Small Heath from a nearby town after her father had gotten a new job at the factory. They were not a well off family, and she had begun working at the Shelby bookmakers while the men were away fighting the Great War, and the women were in charge of the business.

Tommy had liked her the moment he met her, though there was little joy left since his return home, he found pockets of it whenever he was around the abrasive, loud-mouthed girl. It was easy to fall in love with her, and it was easy for her to fall in love with him - it was easy for any woman to fall in love with Thomas Shelby.

They hadn't married quickly, it was years of courtship - and breakups - before he proposed, though she would insist it was less of a proposal, and more a demand. He hadn't gotten down on one knee, nor had he expressed his undying love for her, because she already knew. He had simply informed her they would be married at Church the coming Sunday, and she had no need to worry about the details, he had sorted everything, because that's what he did - he planned, and she showed up, no questions asked.

The Shelby business grew quickly, quicker than it probably should have, and he was able to move her out of Small Heath for good, buying her the countryside estate he had always promised her, with land she could wander in barefoot, and a home she could get lost in.

"It's awfully big," is what she said when he removed his hands from her eyes, revealing the home he planned for them to grow old in. He let out a huff of laughter at the sight of her scrunched up face.

"I wanted a house big enough for all the children we're going to have," he placed a hand on her swollen stomach, their first child growing inside of her, ready to arrive any day now.

She had given birth one week after they had moved into their new home. Her screams echoed throughout the house, and Tommy had to stop himself from running up the stairs to their bedroom every time her pained cries reached his ears from his office.

Their daughter arrived in the early hours of the morning, her screams replacing her mother's, a joyous sound to those in the house. She had dark hair, smooth skin and eyes just like her father.

They named her Elsie.

Thomas loved his home. He saw it as a justification for every bad thing he had ever done. The dark wooden floors, and the walls adorned with gold frames, the French carpets and the china vases, they were all extensions of himself, every detail in the house was proof that he had succeeded.

His wife had loved the house too, at least at first. It had taken her all but one week to make it hers, to decorate the bedroom exactly how she wanted it, and to arrange the china in the dining room in a way that was sure to impress the guests they would have.

The change in her was small at first, as far as Tommy could recall. It had started in the eighth month of her second pregnancy - her second successful pregnancy, at least. He remembered waking in the middle of the night, the sheets beside him cold and crumpled, and he had shot out of bed before he had woken up properly.

The house was eerily still as he wandered, checking every room, but she was nowhere. He opened the door to his daughter's room, releasing a held breath when he saw her tucked away in her pink sheets, unaware of the world around her.

The panic didn't set in until he descended the stairs, and the cold breeze from the open front door hit his face, causing a shiver to run up his spine.

The nighttime air was bitter, the ground cold against his bare feet, but it didn't register to Tommy as he rushed around the grounds for his wife, with only the moonlight as his guide. He didn't know how long he had been searching when he finally saw her, her nightgown flowing in the wind as she stood beside the pond, her back to her husband.

He had called her name, but she didn't turn around, and he called it again, and again, approaching her the way he would a spooked horse.

"I don't know how you can sleep in that house, Thomas," she spoke when he was close enough to hear her whisper, and he stopped short of touching her, a frown on his face. "It's just so loud in there."

"What do you mean, love?" Tommy glanced back at the house, it's silence obvious even from outside.

"They're too loud, Tommy," her voice broke, and she turned around to face him, her hair tangled and her eyes teary.

He didn't question her, he didn't argue that the house was quiet and there was nobody there but them and their daughter, he just nodded, holding a hand out for her to take, pulling her to his chest when she finally gripped his hand in hers.

"I know, love."

She loved her children. Elsie was pretty like her, and stubborn like her father, and was able to make anybody smile. Her son, George, was quiet, and, though he was only a baby, she knew he'd be kind, a gentle soul in such a cruel world. She also loved the children she had lost, though she never named them. The ones that never made it out of her womb, sometimes she thought they knew what they would be born into, and maybe saved themselves from the cruelty, maybe God had saved them from it.

She was singing George a lullaby in his room when she heard them again.

The whispers.

She never knew where the noise was coming from, just that they were close. Close enough for her to hear them, but far away enough for it to sound like gibberish.

They always came when it was dark, when they knew she wouldn't be able to see them in the corners of the room, but she knew they were there, even if nobody else did.

She held her son close to her, leaving his room as quietly as possible, her bare feet pressing into the wooden floor caused it to creak as she moved, but she didn't stop.

Her husband sighed when she walked into the bedroom with their son held tightly against her chest. She had been doing this more frequently lately.

"George will be sleeping with us tonight."

She was telling him, not asking.

"I don't think there's any need for that," Tommy had sighed as he removed his cufflinks, throwing them on the dressing table harder then was necessary.

"It is," she stated, climbing into bed, her lips pressed to the head of the infant.

"He has a perfectly good room all for himself," Tommy tried to reason, but one look at his wife's face told him his arguing was in vain.

There was no reasoning with her anymore.

"It's not safe, Tommy." He rolled his eyes at her words, dragging his palms down his face in exasperation, and exhaustion. "You don't see it, but it's not,"

"You don't see it," Tommy hissed, pointing a finger at her. "You don't see it, you hear it, you hear things no one else does."

"I am not insane, if that's what you're implying," she regarded him cooly. "It's real, it's all real."

"I'm not implying anything," he sighed, moving to sit beside her on the bed. "I believe that you believe it's real-"

She was shaking her head and climbing out of the bed before he could finish the sentence, pacing the floor with a fussy George in her arms.

"It's real, Tommy," she walked to stand in front of him, looking down at him, her tears dripping onto his shirt.

There was no reasoning with her anymore.

"I know, love. I believe you."

It got worse as George grew.

She had been putting the six month old to bed when the whispers got closer, when she felt their breath against her ear, and heard their taunting laughter all around the room.

She had scooped up the baby and ran from the room, their laughter echoing through the halls.

Elsie had been sleeping when her mother burst into the room, with baby George held on her hip.

"We have to go, Elsie," her mother had whispered erratically. "We have to leave now."

She held a bruising grip on her sleepy daughter's arm as she dragged her down the stairs, tripping over the carpet as she rushed. She spared a glance at Tommy's closed office door, and considered running towards it, running to the man who wasn't afraid of anything, but she didn't.

He wouldn't understand.

Tommy shouldn't have indulged her as much as he did.

He should never have told her he believed the sick stories she had created in her mind. He should have thrown her in the car and sent her to the doctor the first time he found her standing by that pond.

He had heard the front door open, heard the protests of his daughter and the cries of his son, and he had thrown his cigarette to the floor and ran towards the noise, finding the front door open, and the cries of his children getting fainter as they left the house.

He knew where she was going, and he had ran faster than he thought he ever had before, finding her at the pond, her nightgown flapping in the breeze.

He called her name, and her head snapped towards him, and Elsie tried to wiggle out of her mother's grip at the sight of her father.

"Come back inside, love," he had said, his arms outstretched, but she shook her head erratically.

"No, no Tommy. That house is evil, why can't you see it?" He took a small step forward, his shoes sinking into the mud.

"I know, I know," he whispered. "We don't have to go back there, we can go somewhere else, anywhere you want."

"You're lying," she spat quietly.

"I'm not," he shook his head. "I'm not. You never have to go back there again, I'll burn it down if that's what you want. Just come here."

Her body relaxed slightly, as did her grip on Elsie, who managed to free her arm from her mother's hand and run to her father, tears soaking her cheeks.

"Come on, love," Tommy eyed George, who was leaning against his mother's chest. "Let's go now."

She took careful steps towards him, her bare feet digging into the soft ground. He had taken George from her arms as soon as she was close enough, and she looked at her family with an empty look in her eyes.

He handed George to Elsie, instructing the six year old to take him to the car, without breaking eye contact with the broken woman in front of him.

She was gone.

"Come on, love. We can fix it, I can fix it," his voice was pained as he reached for her, and for a second he saw the woman he married. He saw her in the way she wrapped her arms around his waist, her hands dragging down his sides.

"I'm sorry, Tommy."

He was helpless to stop it, really.

Too slow to realise her hand stopping at his holster.

Too slow to reach for when she stepped back from her with his gun in his hand.

Too weak to catch her before she fell back into the pond.

Too weak to stop his knees from giving in.

She was gone.

The house had won.

[therealcocoshady]

Recovery - Chapter 1

Eminem x Reader (Y/N) fanfiction

Summary : Y/N is getting sober and trying to rebuild her life after a hard breakup when she meets Marshall Mathers.

Tags : mention of SA ; Miscarriage ; Addiction

Author’s note : this is my first shot a my writing a fanfiction. Hope you enjoy it x

Chapter 1

- Thank you for having me, you said to Talia.

- No problem, baby. You stay as long as you need to, she answered while giving me a hug.

You looked around, taking everything in. In a matter of days, you had lost nearly everything. It all started when you woke up in the hospital, several tubes attached to your body.

FLASHBACK

Apparently, you had been in a coma for three days. Simon, your boyfriend of two years was sitting in a chair next to your bed.

- I can’t believe you did it again, Y/N.

- It’s not what you think, Simon.

- It is exactly what I think. You need help. You need to get yourself together. Next time you might not be so lucky. You might actually die, he said.

Dying. To be fair you hadn’t really tried to kill yourself. It was more complicated than that and Simon knew it.

- I’m sorry, you said, trying to hold his hand.

- No, he simply answered, taking his hand off yours.

He looked at you with a piercing gaze, not saying a word for what felt like forever. He didn’t need to, anyway. You already knew it was over.

- I love you, Y/N. I really do. But I can’t go on like this. You need to seek treatment, he said with tears in his eyes.

- I just wanted to sleep, you know, you tried to explain.

- By taking over 100 pills of Xanax ?! Are you fucking kidding me ? He asked, fire coming from his eyes.

- I…

Tears started rolling on your cheeks. As much as you knew you had done something terribly stupid, you wished he wouldn’t break up with you. You wished he would understand.

- Simon, don’t do this, you pleaded.

- I’m sorry, he simply said, getting up and grabbing his jacket. You have a problem and I cannot deal with it.

He walked towards the door and faced you for the last time.

- Your stuff will be packed when you get out of here.

And there it was. Shortly after moving in with your boyfriend, you were homeless.

END OF FLASHBACK

- Are you ok, Y/N ? Talia asked.

- Yeah. Sorry. I just… I can’t believe it’s over, you said. I really screwed up.

She gave you a big hug again.

- What’s done is done. Now you need to focus on getting better, she said.

- Thank you for being here for me. And allowing me to move in with you. And not judging me.

- What you need now is not judgement. It’s support. I am a bit mad though, she explained. I wish you had come clean to me about all those prescription pills.

- I thought I could manage, you tried to explain.

- Well you thought wrong.

Your best friend was being hard on you, and she had every right to be. For months, you had been lying through your teeth to everyone in your life. You had pretended that you were this happy-go-lucky girl who had it together. On the outside, you had everything : you were successful in your PhD research at university of Michigan, a loving boyfriend you had just moved in with and a tight-knit circle of friends who loved you unconditionally. But deep down, you had been unable to handle the pressure of your studies and, the hardest thing of all, you had lost your baby, going through a miscarriage at 13 weeks of pregnancy.

- You should rest before I take you to your meeting, Talia said. And then, we’ll go to the studio. Jamal invited us.

- Do we have to ? I think I’d rather come back here right after the meeting, you pleaded.

- Meeting new people will be good for you, she said. And I won’t lie : I don’t think you should be alone in here.

She was making it clear that she didn’t trust you. After all, how could you possibly prove that you weren’t going to be popping pills as soon as you were alone ?

- Right, you said.

She left you to your new room. Thank God she and Jamal, her boyfriend, were living in a big house with plenty of room to spare.

Jamal was a beat maker and producer and had made quite a name for himself. He was now starting to work with famous people. One of them was Eminem. You weren’t a big fan, although you did enjoy some of his most well-known music. In fact, this man was to be credited for you learning how to swear in English, as you’d learned the language by watching movies and listening to music. You hadn’t listened to him in a long time though and you were kind of wondering what he was up to, now.

Talia sometimes went to the studio with Jamal and she was getting along with everyone. According to her, “Em” (as she called him) was a great guy and she was pretty sure the two of you would get along.

FAST FORWARD

You had officially made it through your first NA meeting. It had been emotional but you were glad you went. Now was the time you dreaded : meeting everyone at the studio. As much as you appreciated Talia’s efforts to help you clear your head, you weren’t exactly the social type.

As the two of you entered the studio, you were greeted by half a dozen people. As soon as he saw you, Jamal got up and have you the biggest hug.

- How did it go ? He asked.

- Uh… it went well, I guess, you answered.

You weren’t particularly intent on talking about it, especially in front of people. Fortunately, Jamal was wise enough not to elaborate. The two of you were close and he knew better than to embarrass you. Still, you were thankful for his concern. From the moment he learned you’d be moving in with them, he had been nothing but supportive. « I know you’ll get through it », he had said.

Talia introduced you to everyone.

- So, this is Y/N, our new roommate and my very best friend, she said.

- How come we never met you before ? Somebody asked.

- Well, Y/N is a scholar so she doesn’t have a lot of time for people with lesser minds, she said jokingly.

You blushed immediately. Your best friend was the most supportive person of your work and she never stopped telling you how proud she was.

- Nice to meet you all, you said a bit awkwardly.

You shook everyone’s hand and you kind of had a shock as you introduced yourself to Eminem. You remembered him from at least fifteen years ago, blonde hair and clean shaven. He was now sporting brown hair as well as a well-trimmed beard. You would never have recognised him, had the two of you crossed path in the street. You couldn’t help but think to yourself that he was rather good looking. And in pretty good shape for an older dude who was in his early fifties. In fact, he did look at least ten years younger.

- Call me Marshall, he said as soon as he shook your hand.

- Ok, Marshall, you said while looking in his deep blue eyes.

He wasn’t as cheerful and smiling as the others, but he wasn’t distant either. You had always pictured him as a loud person, but the man you had in front of you was far from it. In fact, he seemed like the quiet, rather serious type. He looked like he was staring at you as if he was trying to read into your soul.

You joined Talia and sat on one of the big leather couches while everyone got back to working. You looked around and noticed that the studio seemed like a very comfortable, soothing space. For the first time today, you eased a little.

After some time, the group decided to take a break. Most of them went outside to smoke a cigarette and get some air, but you stayed inside. You did indulge in the occasional cigarette but you had been told it would be easier for you to refrain from taking any substance. You tried to be reasonable and not get tempted by the smell.

At some point, you were left with only Marshall, who was listening to the tune they just recorded in his headphones, pushing buttons on the mixing desk.

- So, how long have you been sober ? He asked as he looked at you.

- How do… how do you know ? You asked in shock.

- I was with Talia and Jamal when they got the call about one of their friends behind in the hospital after an OD. And you playing with your NA chip kind of tipped me off, he shrugged.

- Oh. Right. Actually, today was my first meeting, you said and blushed a little.

- Recovery is hard, he pointed out. Congrats on taking the first step.

You didn’t say more and he got back to mixing, as you stayed silent and watched him being extremely focused. As you studied him, you couldn’t help but notice an AA necklace dangling from his neck.

- So you’re in recovery too ? You asked.

- Yeah. Been sober for fifteen years now, he said with a smile.

- Wow. That’s impressive.

- Doesn’t mean it’s always easy, though, he confessed. But it’s 100% worth it.

There were a hundreds of questions going through your mind, but you clearly did not know him enough to ask them. Instead, you just smiled.

- Want to give me your opinion on the track ? He offered with a smile while handing you the headphones.

- I know nothing about music but sure, why not, you said, taking place in the chair next to his.

You placed the headphones on your ears and he played the song. You closed your eyes, in order to concentrate on what you were hearing. You were amazed at how fast this man was able to rap. Yet, you could hear and understand every single word. You particularly enjoyed the rhyming schemes. And, as ever with Jamal, the music was on point.

- it’s good, you said. It’s really good.

- Good to hear, he said with a smile.

The others came back to the room and Talia seemed extatic at the sight of you and Marshall talking. She knew how shy you were and every time you talked to someone new, she saw it as some sort of victory.

- So, people, Jamal said. How about y’all come to our place after ?

Everyone cheered and agreed. From what you gathered, it was usual for the group to meet at Jamal and Talia’s after a long day at the studio, so that they could kick back and get their mind off work. Talia held your hand in hers.

- I forgot Jamal wanted to have people over, I’m so sorry she said.

- It’s fine, you reassured her. But I’d rather stay in my room, if you don’t mind.

As everyone was arriving at Talia and Jamal’s, you said your goodbyes decided to hide in your room. Not that everyone hadn’t been super nice, but you highly suspected that there would be alcohol involved, if not weed. While you were climbing up the stairs, Talia grabbed your arm.

- Are you going to be ok ? There won’t be any hard liquor or anything like that, Y/N. Just a few beers, she said.

- I know, but… it’s been a long day. Meetings, people… I’d rather rest, you reassured her.

- Sure, she said as she gave you a peck on the cheek. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.

As soon as you entered your room, you changed into some comfier clothes : a cream-colored, cashmere set. You removed your makeup and put your hair up in a bun. You weren’t going to see people anyway so why bother ? You decided to watch Friends (your favorite show on Earth) and snuggle under a throw that reminded you of the place you shared with Simon.

After a couple of episodes, you heard a unfamiliar knock.

- come in ? You said.

The door opened and you saw Marshall standing there.

- So, are you hiding ? He asked with a smile.

- Kind of, you admitted.

- You have nothing to be scared of, he said. It’s very chill, downstairs.

- There’s still booze, right ?

- Just beer.

- I don’t really trust myself, you admitted.

- You had a drinking problem too ? He asked.

- Nope. Just pills. But now that they’re gone, I swear I’d take anything just to feel remotely… whatever.

- I feel you, Marshall said.

- Do you ?

- Yes, he simply said, showing his AA necklace.

- How do you feel so comfortable in a setting like this then ? You asked, wondering if you would ever get to the same point.

- It’s been 15 years, he explained. It gets easier with time. Plus, I’ve come to value the person I’ve become much more than the person I used to be when I was using. No money in the world could convince me to come back to that.

- It’s hard, you know. Hiding here when I know what’s going on down there, I said.

- Talia already gave Jamal so much shit about it, he said with a laugh.

This made you smile. Deep down, you knew Jamal didn’t mean harm, so you were kind of hoping Talia wasn’t giving him too much of a hard time.

- Thank you, you whispered. I don’t want to deprive you of your own fun, though.

- It’s fine. I don’t think I’m gonna stick around for long. I wanted to see if you wanted to go for a drive. You know, change your mind …?

- Uh… sure, I replied. Give me 5 minutes so that I can get dressed ?

He left the room and you quickly put together an outfit with a pair of dark wash jeans, a black turtleneck, a pair of knee-high boots and a blazer. You put your hair in a sleek ponytail and added some mascara for good measure. You weren’y trying too hard, but I definitely wanted to make an effort. After all, you had just met him - and he was extremely attractive.

- Ready to go, you said as you emerged of my room.

- Some sweats would have been enough, you know, he said joking.

- Oh. I started blushing.

- You look great though.

He didn’t say a word more and you got downstairs.

- Y/N and I are going on a drive, Marshall announced.

- Wait a minute, Talia said before you got the chance to get through the door.

She looked at both of you.

- No messing around. No drinking. No smoking. Nothing illicit or illegal. And you’d better be back home before midnight.

- Yes, Marshall noted with a chuckle.

- Yes Mom, you said jokingly while giving her a peck on the cheek.

As you got ouf of the house, you got to an impressive car. You were never good at recognising the brands or models, but this one was huge and it seemed like it was really expensive. It was also a bit contrast with Marshall, who did not look like the over-the-top stereotypical rapper. In fact, he was wearing normal clothes - jeans and a hoodie, no luxury logo to be seen.

- Where are you taking me ? I asked.

- You’ll see, he said with a voice full of mystery.

Normally, you wouldn’t have agreed to a car ride with someone you barely knew, but you were so eager to leave the house that you did not really care.

You took place in the car and Marshall started driving.

[logansargeantsbabymom]

Too Good To Say Goodbye pt 5

Logan Sargeant x Fem!Reader, Lando Norris x Fem!Reader

warnings: cursing, mentions of miscarriage/stillborn

part 1 I part 2 I part 3 I part 4 I part 5 I part 6 I part 7 I part 8 I part 9 I part 10

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I couldn't put this off anymore. I had to talk to Logan about the night in the delivery room and I had to tell Lando about my reoccurring dreams. I know I technically haven't done anything wrong and I haven't cheated but something about my dreams have been feeling a little too real. My feelings for Logan might be too real.

No, stop that Y/N, Logan treated you like shit, there's no way you possibly like him. No. You're not that naive , you know better than to have feelings for a man that treated you like shit. But he also gave you a kid. A kid you so desperately wanted, one you needed to have, to love, to hold, to care for, to cherish after my first born passed.

I'd gotten off the phone with Logan shortly before Lando re-entered our room.

"She's finally back down, her pacifier fell out of her mouth." all Lando said before he got back into bed, trying to cuddle me. I felt so awful with myself and felt like I didn't deserve his comforting touch so I scooted away and attempted to get out of bed.

"Hey what's wrong? Where are you going?" a hint of sadness in his voice but that was quickly covered up with a simple clearing of his throat.

"Shower. Me and Lily are gonna hang out. Maybe you and Oscar could have Yelena for the day? I know Oscar has been begging to take her out and be the favorite uncle but I don't trust him alone with my daughter." a chuckle leaves my lips as I try not to sound nervous.

Why is the thought of having a civil conversation about the well being of my daughter with her father making me feel so icky and nervous? Part of me longs to have a healthy relationship with Logan, I mean he was my everything. Logan made me believe in love, he gave me 2 wonderful pregnancies even if I'll be able to never meet my other baby.

I quickly gathered things that I would need for my shower, a McLaren t-shirt, a pair of jeans, a bra, underwear, my Bose speaker, and a pair of slides before I made my way into the bathroom. I turned the shower on hot before I set everything down and got all my hair products that I'd need.

I took my H/C hair out of the bun I'd just had up prior, letting it fall past my shoulders in a curly nappy mess. I loved my hair don't get me wrong, but all the products I needed for it and how fast it would get nappy would sometimes be too much for me.

Stepping into the hot shower, I let it flow over me and letting my hair get soaked before I started lathering on some shampoo. While I was working the shampoo on my scalp, I couldn't help but imagine a life where Logan and I were endgame, a life where we didn't have split custody of our daughter, a life where when me and Yelena went to the paddock we were going into the Williams garage to cheer for Daddy instead of going into McLaren to cheer for mommy's new boyfriend, a life where little Theo James Sargeant was still alive.

Thinking about little Theo always made me emotional, I couldn't ever imagine a moment in the future where I could talk about him and not want to sob and quite frankly, I don't want their to ever be a time where it doesn't. I'll feel like I forgot about him and that's the last thing I want.

Maybe if Theo was alive none of this would've happened, me and Logan would still be happy, we could have 2 kids instead of 1. If Theo were here all my problems would be solved, I would be happy, Logan would be happy, but I wouldn't be with Lando. Life had its ups and downs, I wouldn't trade my relationship with Lando for the world.

It felt like I was lathering my scalp while being deep in thought for hours but in reality, when I snapped out of my trance I heard the ending of Taylor Swift's All Too Well (10 minute version). I quickly rinsed the shampoo out before quickly conditioning and brushing my hair out. I put my hair up in a little bun to allow my hair to soak up as much conditioner as possible while I scrubbed the rest of my body clean, I decided that today would be one of my ‘everything’ shower days so I also grabbed Lando’s razor that he has in the shower and shaved my legs and armpits.

Once I was done shaving, I took my hair out of the bun and rinsed the conditioner out while simultaneously raking my hands through my hair to get rid of the knots that formed. Once that was done I turned off the shower, wrapped my velcro towel around my body and wrapped my hair in a towel wrap. I’d looked at the time on my phone while trying to change the song, only to realize that I’m supposed to meet Logan at a little coffee shop that was 10 minutes away, in 20 minutes and I wasn’t ready yet.

I’d quickly a no makeup makeup look before quickly drying off my body and throwing my clothes on. I took my hair out the wrap and quickly, but efficiently worked some product in my hair to make sure I still had the curl and bounce when it dried.

I was so busy rushing out of the bathroom that I almost ran right into Lando who was holding Yelena.

“Oh there’s mommy!” Lando says while he points in my direction while simultaneously poking Yelena’s tummy “We were just coming to say bye to you. Oscar is waiting in my car” a smile appears on my face. Lando’s been so good to me and how do I repay him? I’m going behind his back to talk to my ex and baby dad about reoccurring dreams I’ve had about us being a happy family after our little “moment” in the delivery room.

I place a quick sweet kiss against Lando’s lips before I place a big fat one on Yelena’s head “Sorry I took long in the bathroom. Took an ‘everything’ shower, you know how it is.” a small chuckle leaves his lips before we hear a honk from outside “You guys should get going before Uncle Oscar gets mad” I say while I also place delicate pokes on Yelena’s tummy. A quick nod, faint goodbye and a goodbye kiss from Lando was what I got before he left.

I checked my phone again, I had 5 minutes to get to a coffee shop that was 10 minutes away. I quickly shot Logan a text saying that I was gonna be about 5 minutes behind schedule because I got caught in ‘traffic’. I figured it was believable when Logan shot me a ‘All good, I’ll be here when you arrive’ text.

——

When I’d arrived at the little coffee shop I spotted Logan in a quiet corner. He quickly spotted me because he’d basically leaped out of his seat to welcome me.

“Hey, I figured since you were gonna be late, I’d just order your drink for you. I got you a y/f/d, I hope that’s still your favorite.” the nervous smile that sprawled across his face made my heart clench. He was so cute, oh how badly I wanted to grab his face and pull him close to me. I shook my head to rid the thoughts in my brain.

“Yep, once my favorite always my favorite.” I graciously took the drink from his hands before we both sat down. We sat in silence for what felt like forever before Logan started the conversation.

“So, I called you here because, oh man, how do I say this? I asked you to be here because,” he let out a shaky breath before continuing “because ever since that night in the delivery room, I haven’t stopped dreaming of you. About us, all of us being one big happy family. Me, You and Yelena just living the life and I can’t help the yearn for that. I know you want nothing to do with me but” he placed his hand on top mine that rested on my drink “I know I fucked up big time all those months ago, and I know you hate me and want nothing to do with me, but please, give me one more chance. One more chance to prove to you that I’m a better, changed man. To prove to you that I’ll do anything it takes to be the best father and husband I can be. I love you and Yelena, will all of my heart, soul and bones I love you.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, I can’t tell him I’ve had the same dreams and that I feel that way too. The universe has a weird way of trying to get people together.

I pull my drink up to my lips which caused his hand to fall off mine. “Logan, I- We can’t- I’m with” I closed my eyes and took a long deep breath before I tried to continue “Logan, I love you more than you’ll ever know. You gave me a beautiful daughter and a life I never thought I’d have. I owe you so much but that debt I owed you went straight down the drain the moment you said that I should’ve killed myself, the moment you said I was another piece of ass to you and the moment” a few tears slipped “The moment you said you could impregnate ANY woman.”

I placed my drink down before grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on the table to wipe the fallen tears off my face. A beat or two passed before anyone said anything.

“Do you ever think,” Logan waited a beat before the continued, almost as if he was regretting what he was about to say “Do you ever think that if Theo were still here, none of this would’ve happened? That we’d be happy and together, that Yelena would be able to meet her big brother?”

I could see the tears forming in Logan’s eyes and the tears that once stopped falling came right back.

A choked sob left my throat at the mention of our late son. My body shook with so much pain and sadness that I hadn’t notice Logan left his seat. Not at least until I felt his big strong arms wrap around my body in a tight embrace. I could feel his body shake in his own quiet sobs. We stayed like this for what felt like hours, just in an embrace, sobbing, in public, where everyone is staring.

“Y/N?” Oh no, I recognized that voice. We pulled apart at the mention of my name turning to see Lando pushing a stroller and Oscar following suit “I thought you said you were hanging out with Lily?” Lando sounded suspicious as he looked between Logan and Me observing both of us red eyed. “Why are you both crying? Baby, are you okay?”

“Oh! Yes! Haha, Lily was running late so I grabbed a drink and saw Logan here and then we started talking about Theo” I said wiping the tears from under my eyes again

Oscar’s eyes closed and his face contorted in its own way of saying ‘oh no’

“That’s so funny babe because” Lily walked in “We actually ran into Lily and she mentioned nothing about your guys’ plans. Actually said that she’s been trying to set up a day where you guys could spend the day out and shop and have girls night but said that you kept postponing it. So why are you here with Logan and why’d you lie?”

The tension between us so thick you could hack it with a butcher knife a few times and it wouldn’t cut.

I’ve been caught in lies before but this one, I don’t know how I’m getting out of it.

“I promise I will tell you everything Lando, just not here”

Lando turned and whispered some things to Oscar and Lily whom nodded in agreement before handing them the stroller and the diaper bag and kissing Yelena goodbye.

He’s taken on such a natural fatherly role in her life that to the outside world, Yelena was his daughter and that’s what I admired about him, that’s why I fell in love with him and that’s why I really, really can’t lose him.

“We’re leaving.” was all Lando said before I whispered a goodbye to Logan and followed him out the door and to his McLaren.

The car ride home was awkward and silent. It hadn’t felt this bad in a car alone with him since I told him all those months ago about what happened with me and Logan. After what felt like an eternity we finally arrived at our house. The walk inside and into our bedroom was also awkward and silent.

Oh how I hated when Lando was mad at me.

“Why’d you lie?” it sounded cold, kinda made my heart break “Why were you out with Logan and why did you lie to me?”

“I-” I released a shaky breath “I met with Logan because” I was cut off

“Are you still in love with him?” betrayal and heartbreak coated Lando’s voice

“No! Absolutely not! Lando please don’t think like that!” I quickly walked over to him cupping his face and used my thumb to wipe a stray tear from his face

“I was with Logan because he wanted to talk about that night in the delivery room. He wanted to tell me that he’s been having dreams of us being a big happy family. He asked me what he could do to get me back, to win us back” the look in his eyes told me he believed what I was saying

“and what did you say?”

“I told him that after the way he treated me that I would never get back with him.” I felt him nod against my hands that were still holding his face before I wrapped them around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug feeling his arms wrap around my waist and squeezed tight.

I wanted to stay like this forever, wrapped up in his tight embrace. I felt like nothing bad could happen, I felt on top of the world and that’s how I wanted to stay, but all good things eventually come to an end.

The churn of my stomach is what pulled me away from Lando and I knew I was gonna be sick. I rushed myself to the bathroom before spilling my guts into the toilet. Lando quickly rushed in to hold my hair back and rub my back.

“I’ll be back. I’m gonna grab you a bottle of water” Lando said before he quickly jogged to the kitchen.

I’ve been sick before, but this felt different. I’ve felt this kind of sickness before. Twice, actually. I rested my head in my arms on the toilet seat before frantically looking around in the sink cupboard. I had to search quickly before Lando came back, I couldn’t find it and I didn’t want to call for Lando. One more quick search of lifting things up is when I finally see them.

pregnancy tests.

-

HEY!! I MISSED YOU!

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[callsigns-haze]

The gain of loss

Eris x Rhysand's Sister!Reader Summary: Y/N and Borra venture into Valkyrie ruins to find training scrolls for Finna, only to encounter the Inner Circle and feel a sudden, intense pain in her lower abdomen. Borra quickly winnows them back home, where Y/N faces the unknown cause of her pain, determined to protect her family. Chapter Warnings: Mild violence and destruction, Discussion of training and powers, Mention of physical pain and discomfort, Themes of secrecy and tension, Pregnancy, Miscarriage

*Serves as a one-shot but can be read as memories fade or the sequel loves haze series

Y/N walked briskly through the forest, the path to the healer's cottage now familiar yet laden with uncertainty. For weeks, she had been feeling off—nausea, fatigue, and an unshakable sense that something within her had changed. Despite several visits and numerous tests, she had not found any answers. Today, she hoped, would be different.

The healer's cottage was a quaint, welcoming place, nestled among the ancient trees. Smoke curled lazily from the chimney, and the scent of herbs filled the air. Y/N pushed the door open, the bell tinkling softly as she entered. The healer, an older woman named Sera, looked up from her work and smiled warmly, her eyes filled with gentle reassurance.

"Y/N, it's good to see you. Please, come in and sit," Sera said, gesturing to a comfortable chair by the window.

Y/N sat down, her heart pounding in her chest. She had a feeling she knew what the healer was going to say, but she needed to hear it confirmed. The anticipation and anxiety of the unknown had been gnawing at her, and she was desperate for clarity.

Sera washed her hands and sat opposite Y/N, holding a parchment with the results of her tests. "We've completed all the tests," she began, her eyes twinkling with a knowing smile. "And I have some news for you. You're pregnant, again."

The words hung in the air, sinking in slowly. Y/N's eyes widened in shock, her hand instinctively moving to her stomach. "Pregnant?" she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. It felt surreal, almost impossible. Panic started to creep in, mixing with the initial shock. How would they handle another child? What if something went wrong?

Sera nodded, her smile widening. "Yes, my dear. You're going to have another baby."

Y/N's mind raced, the news overwhelming her. Tears of fear and confusion welled up in her eyes as she absorbed the information. "I… I can't believe it," she stammered, her voice trembling. "Are you sure?"

Sera reached out and squeezed Y/N's hand gently. "Yes, absolutely. The tests don't lie. Congratulations, Y/N."

Y/N took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. This was a lot to take in. The fear of the unknown mixed with the reality of carrying another child. "Thank you, Sera," she managed to say, her voice unsteady. She felt a mix of joy and anxiety, uncertain of what the future would hold.

"Sera," Y/N said suddenly, her tone serious and almost pleading. "Please, don't tell anyone about this. Not even Eris. I need some time to take it all in."

Sera nodded understandingly. "Of course, my dear. Your secret is safe with me. Take all the time you need."

Y/N left the healer's cottage in a daze, her mind a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. She walked slowly back home, her heart heavy with a mixture of fear and anticipation. She had a secret now, one that would change their lives forever.

-

As Y/N approached their home, she could hear raised voices from inside. Eris and Borra were arguing, their tones filled with urgency and frustration. Her heart raced, and she hurriedly opened the door, her earlier thoughts and worries temporarily pushed aside.

She sprinted to the living room, her eyes widening at the chaotic scene before her. Pieces of a shattered chessboard were scattered across the floor, along with fragments of chess pieces that looked like they'd been through a small explosion. Finna, not even a year old, was sitting in the corner, wide-eyed and confused, clutching a pawn in his tiny hand.

"Eris! Borra! What happened?" Y/N exclaimed, rushing to Finna and scooping him up into her arms. The baby clung to her, clearly upset by the commotion.

Eris turned to her, his expression a mix of exasperation and helplessness. "It's Finna's powers. He managed to bring the chess pieces to life somehow. They were moving on their own, like miniature soldiers. We couldn't control them, so I… I had to blow them up."

Borra nodded in agreement, his face pale. "We tried everything, but nothing worked. The pieces just kept attacking each other. It was like they had a mind of their own."

Y/N looked at the mess on the floor, her mind reeling. Finna had inherited their magic, but she hadn't expected it to manifest so soon or in such an unpredictable way. She kissed the top of Finna's head, feeling his little body relax against her.

"We need to figure out how to control his powers," she said softly, looking at Eris and Borra. "We can't let this happen again."

Eris ran a hand through his hair, his frustration evident. "I know, but how? He's just a baby. How do we teach him control when he doesn't even understand what he's doing?"

Y/N took a deep breath, her mind already working on solutions. "We'll have to be patient and creative. Maybe there are old texts or scrolls in the library that can help. We need to start researching and see if there's any guidance on how to handle this."

Eris nodded, his determination returning. "You're right. We'll figure this out together. We have to."

Borra, still looking shaken, agreed. "I'll help with the research. There must be something we can find."

Y/N took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and focus on finding a solution. The memory of her father’s teachings and the stories he told her about the Valkyries, a fierce and noble female warrior race, came flooding back. She cradled Finna in her arms and looked up at Eris and Borra.

“When I was a child, my father made me train with the Valkyries,” she said, her voice steady despite the turmoil in her heart. “They were an incredible group of female warriors, but they were killed off. There might be something in the ruins of their old training grounds that could help us understand and control Finna’s powers.”

Eris’ eyes widened with concern. “You’re thinking of going to the ruins? That would mean crossing the borders into the court's territory. It’s too dangerous, Y/N.”

Y/N held his gaze, determination etched on her face. “I know it’s dangerous, but we’re running out of options. Those ruins might hold the key to helping Finna. We can’t let fear stop us from protecting our son.”

Eris shook his head, his expression a mix of worry and frustration. “I can’t let you go alone. It’s too risky. The court's side of the borders is no place for you, especially with everything that’s happened.”

Y/N looked at both men, her resolve unwavering. “I understand your concerns, but this might be our only chance. I know it’s dangerous, but I have to try. If I can find anything that can help Finna, it will be worth it.”

Eris shook his head again, his jaw set. “No, Y/N. It’s out of the question. You’re not going into enemy territory, not for any reason. We’ll find another way.”

Borra tried to support Y/N’s plan. “Eris, I can go with her. We’ll be careful. We can handle this together.”

But Eris was adamant. “No, Borra. I appreciate your willingness, but it’s too dangerous. I can’t risk losing her, and I can’t risk both of you being captured or worse.”

Y/N felt a surge of frustration. “Eris, I’m not a child. I’ve trained for situations like this. We need to do something. Finna needs us to be brave.”

Eris’s eyes softened, but his resolve didn’t waver. “I know you’re strong, Y/N. But this isn’t about bravery. It’s about keeping you safe. I’ve already lost you once. I can’t go through that again.”

Y/N’s heart ached at the depth of his fear. She stepped closer, placing a hand on his cheek. “We can’t protect Finna by hiding, Eris. We have to be proactive. We have to fight for him.”

Eris closed his eyes, torn between his love for his family and his fear of losing them. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, seeing the determination in Y/N's eyes. He knew she was right, even if the thought terrified him.

"Alright," he finally said, his voice heavy with resignation. "But Borra goes with you. And you both stay in constant contact. We can't afford any risks."

Y/N's eyes brightened with relief and gratitude. "Thank you, Eris. We'll be careful, I promise."

Eris pulled her into a tight embrace, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Just promise me you'll come back safe. Both of you."

"We will," Y/N assured him, her voice firm.

--

Three days later, Y/N and Borra stood at the entrance of the Valkyrie ruins. The air was thick with the scent of earth and ancient history, the remnants of a once-great stronghold now overgrown with ivy and moss. Y/N adjusted her full leather armor, the same set she had worn during her training with the Illyrians. It fit snugly, a comforting reminder of her strength and resilience. Her dark hair was pulled back into a slick bun, keeping it out of her face and ready for any challenge they might encounter.

Borra, clad in his own battle gear, walked alongside her, his eyes scanning the surroundings with the sharpness of a seasoned warrior. The ruins were eerily quiet, the only sounds being their footsteps and the occasional rustle of leaves. They moved with purpose, their mission clear but the path uncertain.

As they ventured deeper into the ruins, they came upon a large circular cement door, thick and imposing. Y/N ran her fingers over the surface, feeling the cold, rough texture. She glanced at Borra, determination in her eyes.

“This is it,” she said, her voice steady. “The entrance to the old training grounds. There might be something inside that can help us understand Finna’s powers.”

Borra nodded, stepping up to the door. “Let’s get this open then.”

They positioned themselves on either side of the door, gripping the edges tightly. Y/N felt the strain in her muscles as they began to pull. The door was heavy, resistant, but she channeled all her strength into the effort. With a grunt, she heaved, and slowly, the door began to give way.

Borra matched her effort, his own muscles bulging with the exertion. “Almost there,” he said through gritted teeth.

With one final, synchronized pull, the door creaked open, revealing a dark passage beyond. Dust and debris fell from the doorway, and a musty, ancient smell wafted out. Y/N and Borra stepped back, catching their breath for a moment.

Y/N looked into the dark passage, her heart pounding with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. “Whatever’s in there, it’s been waiting a long time.”

Y/N and Borra stepped into the dimly lit chamber beyond the door, the air thick with dust and the faint scent of long-forgotten battles. The walls were lined with shelves, each packed with ancient scrolls and texts, relics of the Valkyries' storied past. Y/N's heart quickened as she scanned the room, her eyes falling on an old, wooden shelf covered in cobwebs.

"This is it," she said, her voice barely a whisper in the heavy silence. "The records of their training methods."

Without wasting a moment, she hurried to the shelf and began pulling out scrolls, her fingers leaving clean streaks in the layers of dust. She unrolled them quickly, her eyes skimming the faded text for anything that might help them understand and control Finna's burgeoning powers.

"Borra, catch!" she called, tossing the relevant scrolls to him.

Borra, standing a few feet away, caught each scroll with practiced ease, laying them out on a nearby stone table. His eyes flicked over the texts, his mind working to decipher the ancient script.

Y/N continued her frantic search, her heart pounding with urgency. Each scroll she tossed to Borra felt like a small victory, bringing them one step closer to a solution. As she worked, memories of her own training with the Illyrians and Valkyries flooded back, fueling her determination. She would find what they needed, no matter what.

"Here," she said, pulling out a particularly thick scroll. "This one looks promising."

Borra caught it and unrolled it on the table, his eyes widening as he read. "This is it," he said, his voice filled with hope. "Training techniques for young warriors with untamed magic."

Y/N's heart lifted at his words. "Let's get these back to Eris," she said, gathering the scrolls they had deemed important. "We need to start working with Finna immediately."

As Y/N and Borra were about to leave the chamber, they suddenly heard the faint murmur of voices echoing through the ancient ruins. Borra's eyes widened in alarm, and without a word, he grabbed Y/N's arm and winnowed them to a higher vantage point. They landed silently on a ledge, hidden in the shadows, peering down at the entrance to the chamber.

Y/N's breath caught in her throat as she recognized the figures below. It was the Inner Circle. She could see Rhysand, Feyre, Cassian, Azriel, Mor, and Amren. But what struck her the most was the sight of a young man with dark hair and striking blue eyes — Nyx, her nephew. Though she had never met him, she had heard of his existence through whispers and sources. He was already in his twenties, a full-grown man.

As she watched them, her heart pounded, a mix of fear and longing swirling within her. They couldn't see her from their hidden perch, but she could observe them, their faces familiar yet distant, like ghosts from another life.

Suddenly, a sharp, searing pain shot through her lower abdomen. Y/N gasped, clutching her stomach, her knees buckling. Borra noticed immediately, his eyes widening with concern.

"Y/N," he whispered urgently, his voice barely audible over the pain that wracked her body. "We need to get you out of here."

Without waiting for her response, Borra wrapped his arm around her and winnowed them both back home. The sensation of disorientation from the winnowing was intensified by the pain, but she clung to Borra, trusting him to get her to safety.

They landed in their home, the familiar surroundings offering a small comfort. Borra gently lowered her onto a couch, his face etched with worry.

"Stay here, I'll get help," he said, turning to leave the room.

Y/N nodded weakly, her mind racing. The encounter with the Inner Circle, the sight of her nephew, and now this sudden pain — it was all too much. She needed to focus on what was important: protecting her family and finding out what was happening to her.

A/N: It was going soooo well. This story needed ANGST back into it 😇😇😇

Request are open and active!

Tagging some:

@callsign-magnolia

@kmc1989

@hardballoonlove

@senawashere

@hookslove1592

@marvel-molly

@lucky7rosie

@daughterofthemoons-stuff

@lilah-asteria

@crossfandomslut

@pit-and-the-pen

@inky-sun

@the-sweet-psycho

@why4anne

@bunnyredgirl

@rcarbo1

@pandabiiissh

@adalia-jaycee

@swiftie-4-lifes-stuff

@minaethrym

[lieslab]

Drowning

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Jeongin X fem! reader

Summary: After you suffer a miscarriage, it feels like the entire world is ending and nothing will ever be the same.

Genre: Comfort/hurt with angst

Word Count: 2.8K

Trigger warning: Miscarriage, child loss, depression, mentions of stillborn baby and all the effects that come with life after pregnancy.

A/N: I know I have requests waiting to be written, but this idea keeps buzzing around my head like a fly which leads me to believe that there's someone out there struggling with this. If you need it, I hope this finds you and I'm sorry because this is a different kind of hurt. Requests shall continue after this one, I promise.

_ _ _

People always talk about the pregnancy glow. They talk about the radiant skin and bright eyes. The aura of happiness surrounding the mother and the pep in their step. There’s a joy in bringing a new life into the world, but they don’t talk about what happens when it doesn’t work out. 

Laying on the floor of the nursery, you couldn’t understand why. Why did people get to bring a new life into the world, but not you? Your baby never got to see the way the world looked outside the womb. There were no colors and no sounds. Not the gentleness of a mother’s voice or the warm cradle from the father. 

Miscarriages didn’t happen to everyone, but it happened to you. After excruciating stomach cramps and bleeding, you went to the hospital. The worst part? You already knew. You knew something was wrong, you were just hoping the motherly instincts were wrong. You were hoping it was just your nerves. 

You’d go in and the doctor would see you. You’d be checked on and so would the baby. You’d get to hear the faint walloping of the heartbeat and you’d be relieved of all your worries while soaking it in, but…that didn’t happen. 

You saw it in the nurse’s face when she was pressing the ultrasound wand against your stomach. She excused herself from the room to get the doctor and you just knew. That little soft pitter-patter was gone and so was your everything. 

That glittering glimpse of a future you held onto slipped between your fingers. When the doctor sat on the stool, picked up the wand, and began to slip it across the cool gel on your stomach, the world seemed to stop. Before she spoke, you saw the sadness physically fill her eyes. 

The part where she explained your options became muddled. You couldn’t remember it, but somehow Jeongin showed up and entered the room. His teary eyes went to you and that’s when it finally clicked in your brain. Your baby was gone and they weren’t coming back. 

The messy finger-painted photos, you envisioned decorating your fridge, would never come to fruition. Memories of the baby shower and all the baby stuff you had would never be used. The clothes would remain folded in the small dresser and collect dust. 

That baby book you purchased with Jeongin, it’d never be used. The little hats and the conversations about newborn photos, gone. 

Gone. Gone. Gone. 

Everything was gone. 

The two of you hadn’t settled on a name. You both wanted the gender to be a surprise. Caught up in a mist of sadness, you still didn’t know the gender. The memories were hazy and nothing quite made sense. 

You remember screaming at Jeongin and then screaming at the doctor. Anguish gripped your heart until it burst. When a peach cup got thrown at the doctor’s head, nurses got involved. 

You remembered Jeongin’s teary russet eyes. The hand he kept over his mouth to stifle sobs as you lost it. He hadn’t just lost the baby, he lost you too. You turned into a shell of yourself. 

You stopped speaking and Jeongin had to practically beg you to eat. It was the doctor and Jeongin that decided giving birth vaginally wasn’t the best idea for you. They decided a C-section was a better option, but in your opinion, the best option would have been to let you rot with your baby. 

You were possessed by grief and didn’t know how to separate yourself from it. It wrapped around your wrists and pinned down your ankles. It wrestled in your stomach and tainted your bloodstream. 

It was easily the worst thing that you had ever been through. There was just a moment when you felt peace. When your baby had been slipped into your arms, swaddled in a soft green blanket. 

Tendrils of hair poked out of a hat that a nurse had stuck on their head. The pouted lips were pressed together and their eyes were shut. The color was drained from their face, but at that moment, it didn’t matter. 

The weight of their body in your arms felt normal. Your heart briefly bloomed before it withered again. You remember Jeongin standing somewhere off in the distance. His eyes glanced between the two of you as he held his breath while hoping that you’d be okay. 

A smile broke out on your face as you cooed softly. Your voice remained low because speaking too loud would wake them up. For a brief moment, you forgot that they were gone. You didn’t care about how stiff they were in your arms. How their tiny heart didn’t beat and their chest didn’t rise. 

During that moment, you were a mother. You would do anything to protect the bundle of joy in your arms. You’d give your life for theirs, but they were already gone. You clung to them and refused to let go. Even when Jeongin quietly tried to coax you away from them, you refused. 

He hated it because he knew how much it’d destroy you. The truth was that you had to say good-bye. You couldn’t stay attached to your baby. The skin would disintegrate and smell. It would rot away and your baby would wither in your arms. No matter how much you pleaded, he wouldn’t allow you to go through that. 

When you fell asleep clutching your baby to your chest, he managed to ease them from your grip. He knew how upset you’d be when you woke up, but it was for the best. Grief tends to do funny things to people sometimes. 

After waking up, it didn’t take long for nurses to sedate you. Your stomach was full of stitches, but you didn’t care. You were too pumped full of pain meds to realize the pain. 

It took nearly a week before Jeongin could bring you back home. Your house was haunted when you got there. The baby swing was still in your living room. Baby bottles were clean and neatly stacked in the cupboards. 

You bought new picture frames to add photographs of your baby to the photos around the house. You had plans to put one on the nightstand beside your bed. Unfortunately, there was nothing left. 

You couldn’t sleep on your stomach. You were haunted by your womb. You could feel how empty it was now. No tiny kicks and no punches. When you gently cupped below the stitches, your eyes watered. 

Out of all the people in the world, why did this happen to you? Why weren’t you good enough to make it through the pregnancy? You only had a few months left and that’s what made it really sting. 

You were so close and yet so far. Was it something in your body? Was this some sort of curse? Was it a sign from the universe that you weren’t meant to be a mother? 

Jeongin woke up to soft distant sobs that night. He started to feel his way around the darkened house and he found you laying on the floor of the nursery. You clutched the stuffed bear that the two of you had bought for your child. 

It was going to be their childhood stuffed animal. One that they could grow up with and clutch onto through their worst days. Maybe they’d take it with them everywhere when they were a toddler. Perhaps it’d be invited to tea parties or walk the plank while playing pirates. 

You weeped and clutched it to your chest. In the faint moonlight, the tears were illuminated on your face. In the nursery doorway, his heart shattered. You were a mother going through grief and he didn’t know how to help you. He couldn’t take away this loss, it was too big for him; much too large to physically carry with two hands. He couldn’t wrap it up and toss it in the trash, it was opaque  

You laid on the soft large circular rug that the two of you had claimed was for tummy time when your kid got older. Your arms wrapped around your chest with the stuffed bear. Your knees were tucked up towards your chest. You were exhausted and broken. 

Nobody talked about the weight of the grief from a stillborn birth. They didn’t tell you that you’d still go through lactation. Your breasts would still produce milk and it’d soak your bra. There’d be no tiny mouth to feed. No child to nurse and help grow big and strong. 

They didn’t tell you about the severe stomach cramps that sometimes were as sharp as knives and the ones that were dull and tortuous as your uterus reshaped itself internally. 

They didn’t talk about the hollow feeling inside your body. Knowing that you had attempted to carry your pregnancy to full term and then failed, you felt useless. You felt broken and you were so exhausted. 

If love could have saved them, they would have lived forever. You would have built them into the best person they could have been. You would have cherished every moment and remind yourself that you were a kid once too when the tough moments came, but now they never would. 

You and Jeongin spent hours fixing up the nursery for them. How ironic that you had picked a Peter Pan theme. You knew that your child would grow up one day, but you had been hoping that it wouldn’t have been too fast. How cruel it was to have them ripped away before they could take their first breath. 

You spent hours on that white rug, digging your fingers into the soft fibers, trying to put together disconnected thoughts. Your brain had disconnected from your body. The world was blurry and you weren’t sure how to continue going on. 

Jeongin was worried sick about you. So worried that he had to take off work to keep an eye on you. He was terrified that you’d harm yourself. You laid there on that rug with empty eyes. 

Whether you realized it or not, you kept talking out loud in a quiet voice. You kept discussing motherhood and he was pretty sure you were consoling the baby that didn’t exist anymore. When he first realized it, he had to turn around and leave you alone. Walking into your shared bedroom and shutting the door, he collapsed on the bed defeated and burst into sobs. 

The two of you were polar opposites during the whole scenario. You were orbiting around each other, but never touching. Your doctor told him that you just needed time. 

So he waited and he waited. He supplied you with store-bought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and juice boxes. It was the only thing he could get you to eat. He came up with any reason he could to walk past the door of the nursery to check on you. 

On and on the days went until one day, you weren’t lying on the floor anymore, you were on the rocking chair. Unsure of what he was seeing, he froze in his spot before he went closer to the door and peeked his head inside. 

“Jeongin?” You croaked as you looked up. 

He paused for a moment before he slowly approached you. “Hi, honey.” 

“I don’t feel good.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

You shook your head. Tears began to fill your eyes again. Despite your body language, you continued. “How do I make it stop hurting?” 

“What?” 

“The ache of losing out on motherhood.” 

He slowly stretched a hand out towards you. Your fingers reached out and grabbed his. He pulled you up and led you towards the rug. Without a word, he got down and plopped down on his side. You followed his lead and curled up on your own side facing him. 

A silence fell between the two of you as you observed each other’s faces. You couldn’t remember the last time you laid next to Jeongin like this. The two of you had been distant for far too long. 

He reached out with a thumb and slowly wiped away your salty tears. You sniffled and kept your eyes on him. The truth was that you really were lost. You felt empty and useless. There was nothing inside of you. You didn’t know when the last time was that you remembered your own beating heart. You weren’t even aware that you were still breathing. 

“You didn’t lose out on anything,” he whispered. “Sometimes things like this happen, but we can always try again.” 

“I don’t think I want to try again.” 

“You don’t have to try again if you don’t want to. The most important thing is helping you feel better. Are you okay?” 

“N-No,” your voice cracked, “I’m hollow. I want to bring them back and I-” You squeezed your eyes shut knowing the floodgates were about to burst. “What did I do to deserve this?” Your voice came out shrill. “What did I do?” 

The knife had been lodged in his chest for weeks, but those words twisted it. He could feel the blood mix with sadness. He hated seeing you so broken. 

“Nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes these things happen unplanned and it’s not your fault. You did your best, remember? Remember how you refused to eat seafood because of the baby? You even gave up coffee because you said caffeine was bad for them.” 

Your eyes reopened. 

“Do you remember how you read children's books every night before bed out loud? You used to sing to them every morning in the shower. I remember that you used to curl your hands around your stomach protectively while cooking.” 

A smile began to form on his face. He could see the gears starting to shift in your head. “And you used to lecture me when I drove a digit higher than the speed limit. You promised you’d never let me live it down if we got in an accident.” 

“And you said we could never be sexually intimate because y-” 

“I was afraid that we’d traumatize the baby.” 

It was a miracle that you started to laugh. The tears were still streaming down your face, but you were laughing. The sound was a melody to his ears. His grin stretched wider and his dimples showed. 

“What about that time you spilled food down the front of your shirt and some got on your stomach? You apologized to the baby for getting them messy.” 

“I guess I did, huh?” 

“So please don’t think you weren’t a good mother. You did what you could for them even if they didn’t make it out of the womb. They still heard your voice.” 

“And your singing,” you added. 

“We would have been the best parents in the world. Remember when I finger painted a smiley face on your stomach when you were sleeping? I took photos and you woke up whining and upset and you claimed I had painted on the baby.” 

“Because you did!” 

“I didn’t! It was your stomach!” 

“The baby was in there!” 

“And your skin protected them!” 

The two of you bickered back and forth until you burst into a fit of shared giggles. You shifted and moved closer to Jeongin’s warmth. Your head tucked into his shoulder. You let out a soft sigh and he wrapped an arm around your back. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled. 

“You know I love you, right?” 

“I love you too.” 

The two of you laid on the floor curled into each other appreciating the warmth. It was nice to be connected to your lover again. You spent so long away, you forgot about how much he felt like home. As the two of you continued laying there, your stomach suddenly growled. 

“Uh…honey?” 

“I hate to break this up, but can we go get Subway? I really want a sub. Maybe turkey or ham or oh! I know, maybe I’ll just get both.” You quickly sat up and got to your feet. 

Behind you, Jeongin watched you in amazement. He was happy that you were starting to act a bit more like your old self. It wasn’t going to last forever and you’d still struggle sometimes, so would he. 

However, with each other, there was a high chance that you could help each other through it. Through thick and thin, sickness and in health, until death did you part. 

After all, that’s what the matching wedding rings on your fingers meant. 

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

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