#best kind of rivalry when it ends with a third guy from left field

[danceworshipper]

Oliver Adams - HPHM Profile [redone]

(information is as of sixth year - shared universe with @ask-hphm-crew)

Identity

Name: Oliver Tyler Adams

Gender: Male (cis)

Age: 16

Birthday: May 28th, 1973 (gemini)

Species: Human/wizard

Blood Status: Halfblood

Sexuality: Pansexual

Alignment: Neutral Good

Residence: The family farm in the Irish countryside. It's huge, a bit outdated decoration-wise, and homey. His room is on the third floor, looking out over the field and he can see the sunrise if he wakes up early enough. The farm is so old and imbued with magic that Oliver can use underage magic without the Ministry finding out

Personality Type: ESFJ-A (the consul)

Magic

Wand: 13 3/4 inches of pliant pine wood encasing a phoenix feather core. The wand is thick and heavy, light in color, and with no defining marks other than Oliver's name carved into it with a knife. Doing this did not damage the wand in any way, but when Ollivander saw it he nearly had a heart attack.

Animagus: A mixed breed cat, Siamese/Ragdoll, similar to the stray cats that lounge around the farm

Misc. Magical Abilities: Legilimency and Occlumency, though he doesn't practice them often

Boggart Form: In earlier years, it was a werewolf, since one could be heard howling somewhere near the farm during full moons. As he got older and met actual werewolves like Chiara, Oliver lost his fear of them and his boggart changed to a mortally wounded vision of himself, having failed to save anyone from the vaults and meeting his own painful end

Riddikulus Form: The vision of himself is instead only afflicted with a concussion, with his Quidditch team mothering him as he insists he's fine

Amortentia (what do they smell like?): Oliver would smell like roast chicken, fresh tomatoes, and bright sunshine

Amortentia (what do they smell?): At the current point, Oliver smells the ocean, cat fur, and wood polish. As he has no strong romantic interest (though that may change very soon) the smells just make him happy and aren't related to any specific person

Patronus: Dolphin

Patronus Memory: His first time seeing the ocean. Nothing went wrong that day, and he got to see dolphins for the first time too. He and his family all had a great time together.

Mirror of Erised: His mother and grandparents standing proudly behind him. It's his graduation day, not an injury to him. Everything turned out okay

Specialized/Favorite Spells:

- Reficere Aspectu - temporarily repairs his vision. The spell he uses for Quidditch matches.

- Lumos, Aguamenti, Wingardium Leviosa - extremely useful spells for around the farm

- Arania Exumi - spider repellent is always useful

- Orchideous - he conjures flowers for his mother and grandmother all the time

- Reparo - the first Transfiguration spell he got on the first try

Appearance

[concept image made using the zepeto app]

Height: 6'3

Weight: 191 lbs

Physique: Skinny with noticeable muscles from all the Quidditch and farming

Eye Color: Light, slightly greyish blue

Hair Color: Dirty blonde, usually kept in a bowl cut that his mother gives him. Oliver knows it's not fashionable (Andre is constantly nagging him to change it) but he doesn't really care enough to learn hair charms

Skin Tone: Light, no freckles. He burns easily so when he comes back at the start of every year he's a bit pink

Body Modifications: His eyesight is atrocious. He wears round glasses most of the time and uses a temporary vision charm for Quidditch

Scarring: Oliver has a nasty scar on his back from being kicked by a cow as a kid, and some scratches on his arms and legs from the various animals and work around the farm

Fashion: This kid has no fashion. Andre is in hell. Oliver wears shorts whenever he can and t-shirts. If it's cold he'll add a flannel. Around sixth year he starts updating his wardrobe a bit, but keeps his usual clothing for around the farm. No point having decent clothing get all dirty and ripped up

Hogwarts

House: Gryffindor

Class Grades:

- Astronomy: E

- Care of Magical Creatures: E

- Charms: A

- Defense Against the Dark Arts: E

- Divination: E

- Flying: O

- Herbology: O

- History of Magic: A

- Potions: A

- Transfiguration: A

Quidditch: Keeper since year 3

Extracurriculars: Dragon Club, Gobstones Club

Favorite Professor: Professor McGonagall. She's his head of house, and she reminds Oliver a bit of his grandmother with her stern but kind nature. She encourages his love of Transfiguration, even if he isn't the best at it, and she's a huge Quidditch fan

Least Favorite Professor: Professor Dumbledore. Oliver is an easygoing, agreeable guy most of the time. He respects his elders as his grandparents taught him, but only when they deserve it. Dumbledore most certainly does not

Relationships

Mother: Katie Adams

- Katie is a shy, quiet woman. She was homeschooled for most of her life, receiving at-home tutoring in her later years as her mother Gertrude was unable to properly teach her what she needed to know, and she's only seen the inside of Hogwarts twice: when she sat in for her O.W.L.s and her N.E.W.T.s.

- As a mother, Katie made sure to raise Oliver to be kind and always drink his Respect Women Juice. She had him take on some of the farm duties at a young age to help teach him responsibility

- Oliver got kicked by a cow when she turned her back on him for no more than ten seconds. Katie's boggart is what would have happened had Oliver been standing slightly closer - he would have been paralyzed, as the kick would have hit his neck

Father: Kyle Donovan

- Oliver never knew him. He was a muggle who left Katie shortly after she became pregnant

- He was a decent guy in general, but the idea of being a father at the age of 24 scared him and he ran like a coward. He never knew about the Wizarding world, and even if he wanted to return to try and make amends he'll never be able to find the family farm ever again, thanks to Marvin

Grandfather: Marvin Adams

- Marvin is a cranky, slightly old fashioned kind of guy. He cares a lot about tradition and keeps telling Oliver that one day the farm will be his, and then his kids', and then their kids'. Oliver doesn't have the strength to tell him he's not sure he wants kids at all

- Marvin loves his wife. There were many times in their relationship where it looked like the marriage was about to fall apart, but they were somehow always able to get through them - mostly by him apologizing to Gertrude

- Oliver is able to hold his own in a duel thanks to Marvin. Despite being an old crud, he's got a lot of fight in him

Grandmother: Gertrude Adams

- Gertrude was horrified that Oliver was going to grow up without a male influence, which is why Katie never moved off the family farm with him. The old woman made Oliver learn to cook and sew so that he wouldn't be a useless husband in the future

- She's the type of person who'll say that she still dreams of marrying her teenage sweetheart and moving to an island with him, but she doesn't mean it. She loves her family and her life, but she does one day want to retire on an island

- After Oliver graduates Hogwarts and takes over the farm, Gertrude will finally be able to convince Marvin that they can retire without worrying over the farm, and they'll move to a lovely beach house. Her last ten years will be spent in her own little paradise

Love Interest: Isla Lyall @sapphicsaffir

- Isla is the twin sister of Vera, one of Oliver's closest friends in Gryffindor. Isla is in Ravenclaw, so originally they didn't spend much time together. However, Oliver always found Isla cuter than Vera

- People who didn't know them well thought Oliver and Vera liked each other, but anyone who did know them knew Vera would rather die, and that Oliver preferred the red haired twin over the blonde one

- Vera is the one who keeps pushing to get them together. She told Oliver that she knows Isla likes him, but he refused to believe it. Still, she kept trying, saying that if anyone had to be her brother-in-law she'd rather it be him

- In fourth year, Ravenclaw lost a crucial match and it took them out if running for the House Cup. Isla, a chaser, was disappointed, but went to the final match to support her sister and her crush

- Gryffindor won, and in the excitement, Isla ran up to Oliver and yanked him down so she could kiss him. Oliver understandably short-circuited, while Vera yelled "Finally!"

Best Friend: Andre Egwu

- When Oliver first met Andre, they didn't like each other at all. They were on opposing Quidditch teams, after all. But their mutual friends forced them to spend more time together, and now the two are practically inseparable. It makes little sense to most people.

- They're the kind of best friends who insult the living daylights out of each other to show their love

- They went as friends to the Celestial Ball. A few people got the wrong impression, but they've never considered dating each other. They feel more like brothers than anything else

Rival: Anyone on an opposing Quidditch team. Even if the rivalry doesn't affect them off the pitch, Oliver's instinctive reaction when he sees his opponents is one of distaste (ironic since both his best friend and his girlfriend are his rivals)

Enemy: Every last member of R

Dormmates:

- Charlie Weasley

- Ben Copper

- Jae Kim

Pets: a barn owl named Priscilla, and a sheepdog who stays at the farm named Sparky

Closest Canon Friends:

- Charlie Weasley

- Nymphadora Tonks

- Diego Caplan

Closest Noncanon Friends:

- Vera Lyall @sapphicsaffir

- The gang from @ask-hphm-crew

- Unnamed members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team

Storyline

- Oliver was raised a happy, carefree little boy. His incident with the cow never deterred him from helping his mum and grandparents around the farm, and he even gave the cow an "I'm sorry I provoked you" treat as soon as he could. He didn't ask about his father until he was ten, and Gertrude sat him down and told him what happened. Oliver resents the man that fled his mother. Gertrude knew he'd be angry and didn't tell him his father's name

- During his first couple years at Hogwarts, Oliver made friends and charmed his way into most of the professors' good graces. In year three Oliver joined the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and after his first match against Ravenclaw, he and Andre started butting heads until their other friends forced them to hang out more

- Oliver gets involved with the Cursed Vaults almost by accident. He has no cursed brother like the game says, but he does have a desire to help people, so when he hears of a group of students trying to save the school from certain doom, he gets involved right away

- His discovered Legilimency throws him for a loop, as no one in his family has that power. He rarely ever uses his mind reading without permission, but when it becomes necessary he's usually able to do it without the target finding out

- After Hogwarts, Oliver will take ownership of the family farm for a few years, but it's not his passion and he hates the idea of being stuck there for the rest of his life. At age twenty two he sells the farm to one of the farmhands with three young kids and uses the money to buy a bakery with an apartment above it. He grows some of his own ingredients and buys the rest at discount from the old farm, and also runs guitar lessons out of his apartment. His grandparents are a little disappointed, but they understand, and his mother reveals that she had a secret boyfriend who she moves in with and later marries. He's a nice man with a kid a little older than Oliver

- Oliver and Isla have a small wedding a little before the Battle of Hogwarts. A few years later, Isla gives birth to twin girls Kenzie and Kleio. Five years after that, their son Caspian is born

Extra Info

- Oliver is a family man through and through. If he had to, he would have stayed on the farm forever to support his family. When he has his own family, he's an extremely devoted father even though he was never sure he wanted children when he was younger

- Despite not moving on to play Quidditch professionally, Oliver does join a recreational team after he sells the farm, as does Andre, who starts up his own fashion line

- Oliver is a total house husband. Isla is a cursebreaker, and Oliver brags about her to whoever will listen. She often comes home to a fresh cooked meal/baked goods

- Oliver's a cat person. He adopts two stray kittens when he moves to the bakery and loves them with all his heart

- He can't be alone for more than a few days or he'll go crazy. He loves spending time with his friends or even meeting new people

- He starts playing the guitar at the age of seven. Marvin is the one to teach him. Later on he learns about the muggle electric guitar and buys one as soon as he can figure out how to get electricity into his apartment

- Oliver visits his grandparents at their beach house at least five times a year. He can't get enough of the ocean, even when it's too cold to go swimming (and he'll usually do it anyway)

- He's the tallest one in his immediate family. Oliver assumes he got his height from his father, but he actually got the height from Gertrude's side of the family

- Oliver will always prefer to cook himself than to go to a restaurant

- He's a fairly good dueler, but Diego could always kick his ass

- Oliver will try to arrange a big meetup with all of his friends at least once a year. Not everyone can make it every time, but he refuses to let their friendships fade into the past

- He loses the bowl cut in year seven, when Andre convinces Tonks and Diego to hold him down so Andre can fix his hair. Oliver ends up liking it and keeps it that way for years to come

[tomsandal]

A Cup to go

a/n: brought to you by me asking what should i write and Pap answering "coffee shop au or whatever people write about these days"

characters: červená kapota, tom sandál, leva p. pneumatika (background), tobi polobotka (background)

warnings: none

words: 4,6k

The Luxorn cup

Part of the Artanar sterling silver tea and coffee set, originally belonging to a bygone Liechtenstein royal family and currently one of the most expensive antiques in the world. And that is for a good reason. The set is decorated with accents of gold and embellished with an array of rubies, garnets and red opals, with a large fire opal as its centrepiece.

All of that makes it shiny enough to make any respected lawbreaker want to get their hands on it.

It comes as a surprise then, that this piece of treasure is not sought after very much. That is, because it just so happened, that many years back this set was being transported across the pacific to a highly acclaimed auction when it mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again in the light of day.

That is, until now.

Word has been going around the streets of a certain long lost cup set piece. A hint here, a suggestion there and suddenly there is even a rumoured location. Location in the shape of a very unassuming coffee shop.

In front of which stood a certain red-clad thief.

Červená Kapota scanned the storefront of the shop from the other side of the street. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. The outlet was painted in cheerful pastel colours with their display boards full of saccharine sweet words written in excessive loops and currently accomodating a fair share of customers inside. She got to give it to them, if this all truly is just a front for a criminal organisation, then they did a mighty fine job with it. What a cheeky plan though, simply hide a cup in a coffee shop and everyone is none the wiser. Well, except her obviously.

That's why she is here in the first place.

A week ago she applied for a job there, with a plan to assimilate with the staff and find out where the famed teaware was hiding and swoop it right under their noses. Easy job, just in and out, a deserved rest after her painstaking previous venture. So she didn’t need to worry about ruining her current streak of successful heists.

And luck seemed to be on her side.

Earlier that day Kapota received an email from the store owner, informing her that her application was accepted and to show up to the interview at -about now- o’clock, actually. She looked up from her watch and with a last glance at their display windows, she made her way inside.

The door opened with a cute little jingle and the heavy coffee aroma hit her right in the nose. Disoriented for a second, she quickly surveyed the place before proceeding to the counter with confident steps. Once there, an employee with a high ponytail and cherry drop earrings looked up at her and fixed her with a trained smile.

“Hello and Welcome dear, you are here for the interview, right?” the barista addressed her cheerfully.

“That would be me, yes”

“Good, good. Your resume passed with flying colours and the manager will see you now.”

Of course it did, I am no amateur after all. This will be a piece of cake.

“Now if you would please follow me to the backroom, the other person is already there so yall can get right to it”

...

The what

Before Kapota had any time to voice her confusion, the aforementioned barista led her to the back of the shop, knocked on a door at the very end of the hallway, gave her a reassuring smile and left her to her own devices.

Upon hearing “Enter.” from the other side, she took a deep breath and opened the door, peering inside.

The manager sat behind a desk with two other seats in front of him.

The one on the right was empty. But the one on the left was already occupied.

Said occupant was sitting back leisurely with one hand hanging over the backrest and a head full of loud purple hair.

oh...

oh no.

Kapota cursed inwardly when the person turned around, and it did in fact turn out to be the very same guy she was expecting, coincidentally also the actual last person she would want to see right now at this very moment in this very office.

Once he turned around and took a look at her, his face turned to a brief expression of surprise but he shook it off quickly and in its place was a beaming smug grin that could be mistaken for a friendly smile by anyone else, but she knew better.

“You!” she growled and pointed at him accusatory.

“Hii Red” he simply shot back with a wink.

The audacity. What a no-good, infuriating, pompous peac-

“Ah miss Redd! Come, come. Take a seat please.” interrupted the manager, quite rudely, her train of thoughts.

“So..” he continued as she sat down, “I take it that you two have met before, is that right”

Her workmate turned his attention back to said man and with his million-dollar smile, he answered “Oh! yeah, yeah, we go way back, chums pretty much”

“Just coworkers,” she shot back.

“professional associates☆”

“acquaintances at best.”

“You wound me”

“Good.”

“ow-” “-So as I see it,” interfered the manager (yet once again), “this situation turned out as well as it could have! Since it seems that both of you are acquainted with each other already, there won't be any reason for any petty rivalry out there.” they glanced at each other, wearing the same expression, “because, you see, well we, unfortunately, have only one spot on the staff free. And you might be wondering, what now? There is two of you. Well, both of you will simply go out there and will show us if you got what it takes and I’ll pick who will be staying at the end of your shifts”

when neither of them said anything he just shooed them away with his hands and finished with “that would be all thank you, ask Marcy to give you your uniforms and run-down of the place.”

As they were getting up, she looked back at her involuntarily gained companion and suppressed a sigh. It's not that she disliked the guy that much, but with the nuisance incarnate Tom himself here, there wasn’t a single chance of this going according to plan.

///

So far so good, thought a certain Tom Sandál to himself, while picking scattered porcelain shards from the floor.

It’s already been an hour since he has been reassigned to a server instead of a barista and this is only the first cup he broke! Going strong here!

When they started their shifts, he was the one they picked first to go work behind the counter, which they regretted soon enough and pulled him from there. Yeah so he may or may not know actual nothing on how to make a decent cup of coffee or operate any of their machinery but he tried his best, and it's not like Kap lasted in that position that much longer than him when they put her there to replace him. Admittedly she actually took to it a bit better than him and managed to make it work for her, which comes as a surprise in all regards since he was pretty sure that she didn’t like coffee one bit. Suspicious.

Speaking of suspicious, he’s also pretty sure she tried to poison him twice at least in her reign behind the counter, which yes, justified, but still.

He was being a cheek and ordered a cup for himself since there weren’t many people in and there wasn’t much to do. When he got his cup, instead of the typical caramelized nutty smell of a coffee there was something he couldn't quite place but very much out of place and on top of that there was a cream poured art in the shape of a skull in the foam. When he looked back at her with a quirked eyebrow in a silent question she just smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

Never has he been this torn in making a decision. Prove a point or stay unpoisoned, choices, choices.

He didn’t dare drink it in the end.

But it was close.

The second time he did it, because yes of course he pulled it twice, he - definitely intentionally and according to plan not just a mistake thankyou- switched orders around and his poisoned cup of coffee ended up with a customer.

After that Kapota has been stripped of her coffee-making privileges and demoted to a server. So now they are both on the same playing field, only needing to look out for nudges from the other one when they are balancing a particularly high stack of tableware.

Tom finished sweeping all the stray bits of porcelain from the floor and dumped them in a bin.

A Job well done, I deserve a cookie.

And with that, he in fact pulled out a cookie from the front pocket of his apron.

Tobi swinged by the shop earlier to drop off his lunch, and also to make fun of him, but they also brought the said cookies so all is forgiven.

Munching on a cookie, he turned to the task at hand and got back to picking up cups and plates from empty seats.

When he was at his third table, with a decently sized cup tower in hands, something behind him caught his attention. Turning slightly, he saw his ol pal Kap standing over a table next to a seated customer with wavy dirty blond hair and a kind smile. The surprising part was that they seemed to be in the middle of a civil conversation.

“Well I be damned” he murmured to himself and leaned towards them.

Kapota of all people being able to make friends that fast? He was almost proud. Unless of course, it i-

/crash/

...

Aaaand that makes it a cup number two.

///

“I don't know… just give me the speciality of the house”

“Leva please I've literally worked here for two hours just pick”

///

Getting inside the head office and swiping classified documents unnoticed has been laughably easy.

When no one was looking, Kapota sneaked off to the backrooms and after confirming that the air was clear, slipped inside the now empty manager's office. With the soft click of closing doors behind her, she quickly scanned the room to see what she could work with. A computer, a corkboard, a card file cabinet and a large painting. Knowing that she was on borrowed time, she quickly proceeded with the task at hand. First, she inspected the corkboard, since it was closest to the door. A quick inspection showed that this was a dead-end, nothing more than useless paper junk and employees of the month, as she partly expected. On the other hand, the computer being also a dead end was a surprise. She searched through it back and forth and yet there was nothing relating to the cup or any nefarious activities, to be frank, there was hardly anything on the computer in general. Not good. Next, she probed the painting, an abstract piece with a decorated frame, hopefully hiding anything of use behind it. She gently lifted it off the wall and to her growing disappointment found only a bare wall hiding behind it. She took a peek at the back of the canvas, hoping to find at least some helpful note tucked to the frame, but all that was there was scribbled “dedicated to S.M., who wont pick up my calls”. She frowned and put the painting back a bit crooked.

“Looks like we’ll have to do this the old fashion way”, she said to herself as she made her way towards the card file cabinet and cracked her knuckles.

Bills, order lists, inventory stocktaking, employee files, folders upon folders of junk. Not looking good so far. She kept thumbing through the folders some more when finally a word caught her attention. “Combination safe”. The document itself was quite chaotic and all over the place, but Kapota gathered the meaning of it loud and clear. There was a safe somewhere in the building, with the combination to it scribbled charitably at the bottom of the page. Not only that, but it wasn’t just any safe that would hold the company’s earnings or anything. No, this was apparently the manager's own personal secret safe. That was about to swiftly change, sharing is caring after all.

She stashed all the folders back and turned to leave the place with her newfound goal. Though when she was across the office something made her scramble in place and dive under the desk. Something that was very unmistakenly footstep sounding, which was confirmed by the creak of the door seconds later.

Glueing herself to the inside of the desk, she held her breath and willed the person to just turn around and leave. This was far from the first time she was in a situation like this but it was nerve-wracking all the same. Few tense moments passed by and the person finally moved towards the desk.

I am a shadow the shadow is me you don't see me you cant see me you wont-

The person sat a paper cup upon the desk and promptly left.

Few more moments passed until the footsteps fully faded and Kapota finally let out the breath she was holding and quickly made her escape from the office.

///

The place consisted of the main room, with a second story of sorts that overlooked the bottom floor, an adjacent kitchen and back hallways that led to the aforementioned office, storeroom and a door to the back alley.

The main room and kitchen were currently a no-go. Can’t snoop around if everyone is pestering you to work and questioning everything you do. The second story was just filled with plants and didn’t offer any seatings for customers so it should be devoid of anyone, but you could also see there from the main room, so snooping there right now is risque as well. So that left Kapota with the office, storeroom, hallways and the back alley for all she knows.

Since the office was already checked, she proceeded to go through the storeroom next but came out empty-handed as well.

So now she was crawling along a wall in the middle of a hallway, prodding the wall for any secrets, step after step.

/knock knock/

Not here.

/knock knock/

Not here.

/knock kn-/

“I didn’t expect this place to have a boogeymen problem when I applied, they should probably do something about that before things get out of hands”

She didn't even look back, she knew perfectly who that was.

“Don’t you have tea to serve or something”

“I'm pretty sure its coffee and same goes to you”,

“Cool, cool”, she pinched the bridge of her nose “but we can’t both be missing, so go back or you’ll blow my cover.”

“Good”

what a prick.

She decided to not grace him with a response and just went back to her wall scrutiny.

She only managed to cover a few more meters of the hallway before Tom broke the silence again.

“So... why are you creeping in the shadows in the first place”

Now she looked back at him with a smile.

“Let’s just say that the higher-ups have been liberated of a certain safe intel”, she responded lightly before turning back to the wall.

Behind her echoed a commending whistle accompanied by “As expected of the resident sneakster” and then the hallway was filled with the sounds of her work yet once again.

/knock knock/

/knock knock/

/knock knock/

“It's just a shame that my sources say something different”

/knock/

...

“Sources?”

“Oh you know...” he drawled with an audible grin “just chit chat here chit chat there with my dear coworkers, really bonded ykno”

“What, How did you make them trust you and spill so quickly, we haven’t been here longer than a few hours.”

“You’d be surprised what people will tell you for a cookie ;]”

Kapota, now fully facing Tom, just blinked for a few moments before gathering her thoughts.

“So hypothetically if i handed you a metaphorical cookie at this very moment could you disclose with me what this great source of yours said.”

“Well then hypothetically, I heard through the grapevine that mr bossman is quite particular about his flowers. Everyone says they look very fake up close but weirdly enough, everyone is also strictly forbidden from touching them or moving them even a centimeter from their spot, lest they wilt”, he finished with a dramatic sigh, before switching his expression to a mischievous smirk and continuing, “So of course i am currently on my way to dig through the dirt and see if there are hidden goodies”

Kapota thought about it for a while, it was very far-fetched, but not implausible. But it still didn’t fully add up and left loose ends…

“Alright flowerboy, but then explain why there were documents talking about spicy little secret safe that the manager is keeping to himself.”

Few beats of silence passed between them before they both exclaimed at the same time.

“The safe is hidden by a flowerpot!”

They were both wearing matching grins, which upon realization promptly morphed into matching glares.

What now.

...

“Alright thanks for the company, but it's time for you to return to the floor now. scram”, Kapota started pointedly and shooed him away with her hands.

“As if!” shot Tom right back. “You wouldn’t even know where to go if it weren’t for me.”

“First of all, I would get there eventually! And secondly, we can’t both disappear from our shifts, people will get suspicious and we will get easily spotted!”

“Well I’m going now and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“But I was here first!”

“I didn’t ask!!”

They held each other's glares. No one was blinking.

“Listen...” began Tom cautiously. “This is getting us nowhere, how about we decide the old fashion way”

Kapota squinted at him as he proceeded to rummage through his pockets and made a small sound of realization when he held out a small coin for her to see.

“A coin flip”

“Exactly”

“I swear Sandals if you say something like ‘tails i go get the loot, heads you go back serving’ i swear i will-”

“Nononon non ok nothing like that I swear just tails you get to go, heads i get to go?”

“... In that case that we could do yeah”

“Nice, nice, so can we blink now?”

“I suppose so”

“Neato”, the staring ended with that and Tom brought his free hand to his eyes.

“I have one condition for it though”, continued Kapota as she rubbed her sore eyes as well.

“I don't want your “showman hands” anywhere near that flip, so no catching or hand slapping and possible rigging of yours will be going on.”

“Fair I suppose, so I just flip it and let it clatter to the ground you say?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of me doing the coin catching.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Alright then floor shall be our judge”

And with that the deciding flip was flipped, the metal gleamed in the shabby ceiling light and filled the whole hallway with anticipation.

As if in slow motion it turned

once

twice

thrice

and then it swiftly fell down and right in the gap between floor panels and clattered to a layer underneath them.

No one moved.

…

“I don’t think I have another coin”, piped quietly Tom.

“The floor is our judge”

“pardon?”

“The floor is our judge.”, repeated Kapota, now a bit more loudly. “We have to find out what the judgement is.”

“What does that, huh? So we are going to tear the floor apart to see what it landed on, or?”

“Yes.”

“...well, lets get to work then, shall we”

///

For anyone wondering, it takes one broken floor plank and a baffled employee to be demoted to a floor sweeper.

///

“That could have gone better”, murmured Tom to himself.

He and his floor vandalizing accomplice were currently stashed in the back of the main room with brooms in hands. Far enough to not be in the way but close enough to be watched over.

Thankfully they weren’t immediately thrown out when they were ungracefully caught with bits of flooring in their hands. He managed to, fortunately, swiftly sweet talk them out of their predicament so now they weren’t personnel suspicious of criminal activity but just two idiot clowns. And while yes, not being thrown out or arrested was sweet indeed, this outcome was not that ideal either. But what's done is done.

So Tom just leaned back against the wall and lamented.

“All that work and we haven’t even found out who won in the end.”

He would have continued to wail some more but a swift bonk to the head from his partner in crime stopped his next lament and instead he just let out a hiss of pain. He looked at her questioningly, because what was that for, but he only received a nod and tipping of her broom (that had been used for the bonkage moment prior) towards the dustpan in his hand. Upon further inspection, it turned out that his wall leaning, while effective for dramatic effect, also tipped over his dustpan and now most of it was back on the floor.

“Ay ay kaptn’ im I am on it Im on it..”, he muttered as he crouched down. “You could have informed me a bit more gently though. I will have a bruise for sure and we’re stuck here for a little while longer and you’re not exactly the one I would want to kiss it better” He dodged from her range with a cackle as she raised the broom threateningly once more.

They continued to sweep peacefully, each in their little corner.

“So… buddy..”

A humm of acknowledgement.

“What do you think are the odds of us being able to scamper off to grab the goods”

To that Kapota chuckled and responded with a small smile. “I think we have better chances of getting promoted than them letting us go anywhere out of their sight”

“drat”

“I second that”

Kapota then proceeded to lean on her broom tiredly.

Not the best of napping places, thought Tom to himself. He should probably be a good friend and provide her with somewhere more comfortable to rest. Like, the floor, for example. And by ‘provide’ meaning deliver a swift kick to her broom as a payback for the bonk. But he decided to be the bigger man and opted to not go through with it and let her be.

For about ten seconds.

///

So this was it.

They were seated again in the bossman’s office just like the many hours before that, except now they were waiting for the big reveal. Which one of them will get the spot and with that a chance to try again the next day. He wasn't delusional and knew neither he or Kap made a great first impression, but now it all comes to who was more of a disaster. He hadn’t looked to his right, but knew his competition next to him was as tense as he.

The manager finally decided to speak.

“Well, how do I put this.” Doesn’t matter, just put it out somehow please. “You have both shown that you are very passionate and prepared to put your all into this and I must commend you for that. But the thing is. Well… after a long evaluation, um I have decided that unfortunately neither of you get the job”. He paused for a short moment before briskly continuing so they couldn't get their two cents in. “It wasn’t an easy decision”, he coughed slightly, “but some, hm, alarming factors pushed me to make this decision. Thank you for your time, it was lovely having you here but I would kindly request of you to take your leave now. Have a pleasant rest of your day.”

///

Tom climbed the last few stairs leading to his door and with a jingle of keys promptly entered inside.

“heeyo I’m home”, he called as he closed the door behind him. In response, he got a muffled “Welcome home” from the kitchen and soft pitter-patter of little feet. Soon enough accompanying the patters was a grey cat-shaped furball striding towards him. He picked up said fuzz and nuzzled it in greeting.

“Hewwo Bean did’cha miss me little buddy?” cooed Tom at the cat which bapped him swiftly in the nose as a response.

“That is not his name and you know it.”, replied a scolding voice from the kitchen.

Tom just laughed and made his way to his dearest with a purring bundle of fluff in his arms. Tobi was standing at the counter, donned in a green sweater and hair in a bun, seemingly finishing putting away whatever it was they were using beforehand. Tom hopped onto the counter next to them.

“I won’t get a hewwo?”, they said over their shoulder.

“in this economy? We’re all out, sorry”

Tobi just smiled and after putting away the last glass they turned to Tom and put their arms around him and mr. Socks and planted a little kiss on their boyfriend’s brow.

“Care for a cup of coffee after a long day?”, they inquired mischievously.

“Don’t ask me anything like that in the next few months and I might find some leftover hewwo stock somewhere.”

Tobi chuckled and murmured in his hair “How generous. Should I put the kettle on instead? Care for a spot of tea perhaps. ”

“That would be absolutely perfect thank uu”

Tom might not have gotten his hands on the famed Luxorn cup, but a cup of tea from his partner seemed even better at the moment.

///

Kapota was standing at the doorstep to her apartment building, wanting to savour the pleasant crisp air for a while longer before going inside. She got here only now, even though she got kicked out of the coffee shop a few hours prior already, but Leva brought her along to their little personal pity party of sorts, to cheer her up. And don’t take her wrong, she had fun and was actually feeling better even though the plan was a bust, because Leva just had that effect on people, but she was exhausted and looking forward to going home and crashing down. So with a last deep breath, she entered the building and began her climb up the many stairs.

After her conquer of the staircase she unlocked her door and entered the comfortable familiarity of her apartment.

“Hey everyone I’m home.”, she called and back replied bubbling water and an oxygen pump whirring.

She put away her coat and shoes and made her way toward her fish tank, grabbing a box of fish food on her way there. She then proceeded to greet all of her bushnosed babeis. All very beautiful. Very powerful.

Once they were all accounted for and fed, Kapota all but fell to her armchair next to the fish tank. Letting out a content sigh, she burrowed down in the soft plush and relaxed. This was fine. This was nice.

She could hardly even remember what she was so bummed out about.

Oh yeah wait. Stupid gaudy cup. Who needs it anyway? She has plenty of cups right here.

So who cares that the heist was unsuccessful, at least she messed up Tom’s plans as well so he’s gone home empty-handed with her, and that's in her books just as much of a success as actually getting the prize.

And with that, she drifted off.

[guilianafms]

            new  york’s  very  own  guiliana  rasananda  was  spotted  on  broadway  street  in  gucci  marmont  logo - embellished  leather  sandals  .  your  resemblance  to  lalisa  manoban  is  unreal  .  according  to  tmz  ,  you  just  had  your  twenty  third  birthday  bash  .  while  living  in  nyc  ,  you’ve  been  labeled  as  being  doctrinaire  ,  but  also  pragmatic  .  i  guess  being  an  aquarius  explains  that .  three  things  that  would  paint  a  better  picture  of  you  would  be  the  lingering  scent  of  her  perfume  after  she’s  long  gone  ,  a  fenty  beauty  gloss  bomb  as  her  staple  to  any  makeup  look  ,  and  the  glitter  of  diamond  encrusted  jewelry  on  tanned  skin  .

            hello  ladies  ,  gents  ,  and  nonbinary  pals  !  my  name’s  jin  and  i’m  super  stoked  to  be  here  !  i’ve  seen  this  group  in  the  tags  over  the  years  ,  and  i  decided  that  it  was  high  time  for  me  to  slide  in  (  and  now  that  my  school’s  closed  ....  indefinitely  ....  i’ve  got  the  time  )  .  giuliana  is  fairly  new  so  i’m  still  working  out  some  kinks  that  may  arise  ,  but  i  have  a  pretty  good  idea  of  the  direction  i  want  her  to  go  in  !  i  can’t  believe  that  this  is  my  first  time  playing  lalisa  in  a  couple  of  years  ,  but  since  the  chance  arose  ,  i  decided  to  take  it  .  i  won’t  chat  too  much  ,  and  i  need  to  make  a  new  d.iscord  since  i  forgot  the  password  to  my  old  one  but  if  anyone  wants  to  plot  ,  feel  free  to  slide  into  my  dms  (  or  i’ll  slide  into  yours  !  )

basic  information  .

FULL  NAME  :  guiliana  kanya  rasananda  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  gigi  ,  lia  ,  liana  ,  ana  .

BIRTHDATE  +  AGE  :  february  12th  +  23  .

ZODIAC  :  aquarius  .

HOMETOWN  :  new  york  ,  ny  .

GENDER  :  cis  female  .

NATIONALITY  :  thai - american  .

ETHNICITY  :  thai  .

HEIGHT  :  5′6″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  amaranth  ,  the  vixen  ,  the  trust  fund  baby  ,  and  the  princess  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

LANGUAGE(S)  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  thai  ,  japanese  ,  and  learning  spanish  .

OCCUPATION  :  socialite  ,  ‘  model  ’  ,  and  youtuber  /  social  media  influencer  .

POSITIVES  :  clear - headed  ,  assiduous  ,  self - reliant  ,  pragmatic  ,  and  cosmopolitan  .

NEGATIVES  :  disputatious  ,  exigent  ,  doctrinaire  ,  selfish  ,  and  unscrupulous  .

PLAYLIST  :  roxanne  /  arizona  zervas  ,  bad  guy  /  billie  eilish  ,  body  /  loud  luxury  ft.  brando  ,  nasa  /  ariana  grande  ,  mother’s  daughter  /  miley  cyrus  ,  sway  with  me  /  saweetie  w.  galxara  ,  say  so  /  doja  cat  ,  mad  at  me.  /  kiana  ledé  ,  apeshit  /  the  carters  ,  elastic  /  joey  purp  ,  watermelon  sugar  /  harry  styles  ,  ain’t  my  fault  /  zara  larsson  ,  lemon  /  n.e.r.d.  ft.  rihanna  /  nice  for  what  /  drake  ,  sugar  /  brockhampton  ,  icon  /  jaden  smith  ,  zimzalabim  /  red  velvet  ,  come  thru  /  joji  ,  in  my  head  /  ariana  grande  ,  broke  bitch  /  tiny  meat  gang  ,  honey  /  lay  ,  deserve  /  kris  wu  ft.  travis  scott  .

biography  .

let’s  see  if  we  can  keep  this  short  ,  am  i  right  ladies  ?

ratana  saelim  has  humble  beginnings  in  bangkok  .  her  parents  owned  a  small  restaurant  in  their  neighborhood  ,  and  they  lived  comfortably  ,  but ratana  still  had  to  work  hard  to  ensure  that  she  got  into  college  and  could  stay  in   college  .  she  often  did  her  homework  behind  the  counter  of  the  restaurant  ,  and  eventually  went  on  to  attend  bangkok  university  .

she  met  her  future  husband  at  bangkok  university  ,  a  fellow  student  named  kamnan  rasananda  .  he  was  studying  business  while  she  was  studying  law  .  in  contrast  to  ratana  ,  kamnan  grew  up  in  an  extremely  affluent  home  and  was  set  to  inherit  his  family’s  company  .  he  was  a  year  older  than  ratana  ,  and  the  two  got  married  after  her  graduation  with  her  master’s  degree  .  they  settled  in  bangkok  following  their  wedding  .

the  years  passed  ,  and  the  couple  established  themselves  in  their  respective  fields  .  kamnan  started  his  own  business  in  real  estate  and  construction  ,  so  they  decided  to  expand  out  of  asia  and  into  the  states  .  they  made  their  home  new  york  city  ,  and  settled  easily  into  a  multi - million  dollar  penthouse  on  the  upper  east  side  .  since  they  were  to  focused  on  their  careers  ,  it  wasn’t  until  they  reached  their  mid - thirties  when  they  had  their  first  and  only  child  ,  a  daughter  they  named  guiliana  .

guiliana  was  a  beautiful  little  baby  who  has  an  infectious  personality  while  growing  up  .  ratana  and  kamnan  may  have  been  busy  people  ,  but  they  never  had  an  issue  with  putting  work  on  pause  to  spend  time  with  their  daughter  .  the  couple  supported  their  daughter  in  everything  that  she  did  ,  and  that  even  included  when  she  turned  fourteen  and  decided  that  she  wanted  to  start  doing  youtube  videos  . 

going  through  high  school  ,  guiliana  had  been  a  member  of  the  photography  and  yearbook  clubs  ,  and  this  was  at  the  same  time  that  she  started  to  truly  focus  on  her  channel  .  of  course  ,  her  content  at  the  time  was  quite  cringy  (  shoutout  to  that  one  song  that  everyone  used  in  morning  routines  )  .  as  the  years  passed  ,  she  obtained  the  right  equipment  to  make  her  content  better  .

by  her  senior  year  of  high  school  ,  her  channel  grew  to  massive  numbers  .  she  dropped  the  makeup  videos  since  she  found  that  she  was  more  interested  in  fashion  than  makeup  ,  and  was  comfortable  with  sharing  her  personal  style  .  she  got  a  lot  of  backlash  because  she  grew  up  rich  and  people  often  felt  that  she  was  ‘  flaunting  ’  her  lifestyle  ,  but  really  ,  most  of  her  clothes  from  the  places  that  were  often  the  rage  at  the  time  (  urban  outfitters  ,  brandy  ,  etc  )  with  the  occasional  luxury  piece  like  a  purse  or  something  .

now  ,   she  isn’t  that  active  on  youtube  anymore  since  she’s  grown  into  more  of  a  socialite  ,  but  she’ll  still  do  weekly  vlogs  ,  catching  up  videos  ,  and  her  fashion  videos  .  despite  not  being  that  active  ,  her  channel  is  still  growing  and  has  now  amassed  five  million  subscribers  .

personality  .

guiliana  has  been  a  part  of  youtube  since  she  was  a  fourteen  year  old  ,  so  she’s  been  able  to  start  ignoring  the  haters  !  quite  honestly  has  the  most  idgaf  attitude  towards  people  who  have  anything  to  say  about  her  only  showing  luxury  outfits  and  such  on  her  channel  .  that’s  all  she  knows  since  she  grew  up  in  that  ,  but  quite  frankly  she  doesn’t  care  !

out  of  all  of  her  labels  ,  i’d  say  she  mostly  resonates  with  the  trust  fund  baby  .  outside  of  her  youtube  channel  ,  guiliana  doesn’t  do  much  other  than  spend  money  and  sleep  until  eleven  so  don’t  expect  her  to  be  out  there  making  businesswoman  moves  .

don’t  give  her  a  compliment  because  what’s  the  saying  ...  give  her  an  inch  and  she’ll  take  a  mile  ?  that’s  guiliana  to  a  T  !  she  knows  that  she’s  cute  and  her  parents  have  only  ever  praised  her  ,  so  she’s  got  something  of  an  over  inflated  ego  at  times  .  she  can  go  on  and  on  ,  so  please  tell  her  ass  to  shut  up  if  she  starts  taking  it too  far  !

headcanons  .

a  born  and  bred  new  yorker  ,  guiliana  doesn’t  possess  a  driver’s  license  .  she  gets  driven  around  in  a  bentley  bentayga  and  when  her  driver’s  not  available  ,  she  exclusively  uses  uber  black to  get  around  the  city  .

her  style  is  pretty  similar  to  lisa’s  where  one  day  she’s  exclusively  wearing  streetwear  ,  another  day  she’s  a  bit  more  feminine  ,  and  then  sometimes  she’s  wearing  pieces  straight  off  the  runway  !  when  it  comes  to  her  more  feminine  style  i  think  of  the  youtuber  kerina  wang  .

she’s  most  comfortable  when  she’s  in  her  apartment  .  usually  ,  she’s  only  wearing  a  lingerie  set  (  not  the  entire  thing  )  and  lounging  around  .  she’ll  throw  on  a  robe  or  something  to  answer  the  door  ,  so  just  call  her  ahead  of  time  .

i  can’t  make  up  my  mind  on  how  guiliana  usually  has  her  hair  (  since  lisa  switches  between  long  and  short  )  so  we’ll  just  say  that  she  gets  extensions  a  lot  !  currently  ,  i  love  her  long  brown  hair  so  click  for  reference  here  .

she  has  no  real  plans  for  the  future  ?  she’s  kinda  of  taking  it  day  by  day  and  enjoying  her  twenties  while  she  has  them  .  right  now  her  main  focus  is  her  instagram  and  her  youtube  ,  and  she  has  no  real  aspirations  to  do  anything  outside  of  that  at  the  moment  .

never  leaves  the  house  without  wearing  a  pair  of  heels  ?  even  when  it’s  cold  outside  ,  she’s  wearing  ankle  boots  with  a  heel  or  the  ever  elegant  over - the - knee  boots  .  

her  go - to  drink  from  starbucks  is  a  cold  brew  with  vanilla  sweet  cream  .  she  doesn’t  drink  coffee  with  sugar  .

wanted  connections  .

            i’ll  more  than  likely  end  up  reblogging  things  into  the  tag  i  made  for  these  ,  but  since  there’s  nothing  there  right  now  ,  i’ll  just  list  off  some  specifics  that  i’d  love  to  have  !  if  none  of  these  are  to  your  taste  ,  we  could  always  brainstorm  ,  work  off  chemistry  ,  or  let  me  know  if  there’s  something  that  you  think  guiliana  could  fill  !

i  might  end  up  sending  this  in  to  the  main  ,  but  i’d  love  to  have  the  fiancé  that  she  left  at  the  altar  !  truth  be  told  ,  i  kind  of  feel  as  though  she  may  have  done  it  simply  because  she  finally  realized  that  things  were  moving  too  fast  and  she  kinda  of  needed  to  pump  the  breaks  ?  she  definitely  didn’t  do  it  in  the  best  way  ,  but  it  could  be  an  interesting  relationship  /  dynamic  to  explore  .

she’s  been  in  new  york  since  forever  so  i  just  imagine  there  being  a  slew  of  connections  stemming  from  that  ?  friendships  ,  rivalries  ,  and  romantic  connections  !  idk  why  i  love  them  so  much  ,  but  i’d  really  love  for  her  to  have  an  ex  best  friend  .  we  can  determine  why  their  friendship  ended  ,  but  i  really  love  exploring  the  demise  of  relationships  .

my  brain  is  blanking  so  🤠  .

[hforhonesty]

Book Review #1 | Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

“Half the time, Simon can’t even make his wand work, and the other half, he sets something on fire. His mentor’s avoiding him, his girlfriend broke up with him, and there’s a magic-eating monster running around wearing Simon’s face. Baz would be having a field day with all this, if he were here—it’s their last year at the Watford School of Magicks, and Simon’s infuriating nemesis didn’t even bother to show up.” [official synopsis of the book]

Full title: “Carry On: The rise and Fall of Simon Snow.”

Or, as I often refer to it, the death of me.

I can already hear my friend A. complaining that I read this book at least twice a year – which is odd, I get it, but I also can't help it. She says that I'm obsessed with it...

... She’s right. But there's a reason if the motto of my brand new blog is "H for Honesty", so I promise that I won't let my obsession take over the review. Scout's honor!

Anyway, we have to straighten some things out before we settle down to work, since I know that there are people out there who are not appealed by this book because of its similiarities with the Harry Potter Saga.

The Chosen One and the prophecy themes, the analogies between characters such as Penelope Bunch and Hermione Granger, the Drarry vibes, the English school of magic...

So if you want to complain about these similiarities, then stop reading, watching tv shows and movies or even breathing because, guess what?, it's literally impossible not to be influenced by others, especially if you are a writer.

I think that inspiration is good; it means that you've reached the heart of your readers and left a permanent mark on it. As a wanna-be writer I can only aspire to do such a great thing as inspiring someone to the point that they want to share their own stories.

Speaking of Rainbow Rowell being inspired by Jk Rowling, well, it doesn't mean that she plagiarised her work – far from it. Rainbow's World of Mages is something fresh, modern, unexplored. It has cliches just like any other great story, but instead of running in circles it goes beyond them.

This is why the first character I want to introduce is Agatha Wellbelove, who’s supposed to play the role of the protagonist’s love interest. I’m gonna be honest with you guys – I didin’t like her at first, like not at all.

It’s hard to explain without spoiling the book but I’ll try my best, alright?

Agatha is the only daughter of one of the richest and most important families of the world of mages. Her father is a doctor and her mother is very invested in the social part of their community, hence the charity works such as having poor, orphan Simon stay at their house during Christmas break.

Beautiful, popular, kind. She had to be all these things for her whole life because everything had already been set up for her. Even her relationship with Simon was inevitable. I know it’s silly but think of Shrek: like Fiona, she had to play the role of the damsel in distress locked in the highest tower of the castle, awaiting for her knight in his shiny armour... only to be his reward at the end of the story, when the magical war is over... if he manages to survive.

But Agatha is more than that.

“Lucy disappeared?” I say.

“Worse,” Mum says. “She ran away. From magic. Can you imagine?”

“Yes,” I say, then, “no.”

She wants to spend time with her normal friends, go to a normal school, be a normal person without the burden of magic on her shoulders. But she can’t, of course, because everyone would think that she’s insane, so she’s stuck in a world where she doesn’t belong.

Magic is a religion.

But there’s no such thing as not believing – or only going through the motions on Easter and Christmas. Your whole life has to revolve around magic all the time. If you’re born with magic, you’re stuck with it, and you’re stuck with other magicians, and you’re stuck with wars that never end because people don’t even know when they started.

I honestly didn’t understand her character at first, because c’mon, if someone came to me and told me that I could attend Hogwarts/Watford and have magical powers if I wanted, I wouldn’t even hesitate to answer hell, yeah. But this is another matter, ofc.

The point is that Rainbow Rowell’s characters are what I’d like (and dare) to define «the apotheosis of relatability». They are not just fictional characters. When they think, when they talk, when they act... they seem extremely human in my head, they seem to bloody exist, as if they weren’t made of paper...

I think that this effect is mostly due the fact that the book was written in first person singular. Yeah, I know that most people avoid this type of point of view like the plague, but believe me when I say that Carry on is 100% worth it.

Every chapter mirrors the thoughts of the main characters, from Simon’s to the Mage’s, and is shaped by them. For instance:

When Simon is talking, his words are articulated in short and/or mostly broken sentences.

He doesn’t reply – he must still be working up to a bluster.

Snow blusters like no one else. But! I mean! Um! It’s just! It’s no wonder he can never spit out a spell.

When he’s thinking, the pages are filled with long and elaborated phrases, which can be seen especially in the first chapters of the book;

Baz, on the other hand, has the opposite problem. He comes up with the most complex sentences when he’s speaking, while his thoughts are often interrupted by the use of round brakets, which is undoubtedly of my favourite features of his chapters.

So even though he seems this cool and charming and extremely confident and super duper talented and handsome magician, this is just his façade. In reality, he’s the type of guy who would rather be alone during meals because he’s too self-conscious and doesn’t want his family to see the fangs that come through when he’s eating.

It’s no secret that Baz is very secretive when it comes to his feelings or anything that concerns his private sphere, as he always weighs his words before he speaks up. But when the crosstalk is between him and Simon, there’s literally nothing in the world that Baz loves more than teasing him.

“I know what you are,” I snarled.

His eyes locked onto mine. “Your roommate?”

I shook my head and squeezed the hilt of my sword.

Baz stepped into my reach. “Tell me,” he spat.

I couldn’t.

“Tell me, Snow.” He stepped even closer. “What am I?”

I growled again and raised the blade an inch. “Vampire! I shouted. He must have felt the force of my breath on his face.

He started giggling. “Really? You think I’m a vampire? Well, Aleister Crowley, what are you going to do about that?”

I love the dynamics between Baz and Simon because their relationship is so genuine and thriving, absolutely compelling. You can see the deep impact that they have on each other from page one. Yes, they are roommates (oh my god, they are roommates), but they are enemies too, so they don’t really know how to deal with each other beyond their rivalry, especially when they have to team up against a common enemy.

These dynamics are way funnier when you consider that they concern a third character too. Yes, this is the moment I introduce you to the person that was recently hospitalized due to severe back pains caused by the burden of carrying Simon Snow’s bullshit on her shoulders from day one: Penelope Bunce.

She told me later that her parents had told her to steer clear of me at school. “My mum said that nobody really knew where you came from. And that you might be dangerous.”

“Why didn’t you listen to her?” I asked.

“Because nobody knew where you came from, Simon! And you might be dangerous!”

“You have the worst survival instincts.”

“Also, I felt sorry for you,” she said. “You were holding your hand backwards.”

As you can see, I love Penny. She’s clever, she’s talented, she’s this amazing young woman who is not afraid to walk with you toward eternal damnation or help you hide a corpse or do both at the same time. Because she’s all that – and more than that. She’s everything.

Penny is the kind of person who, right after you say that “curiosity killed the cat”, would rejoin that “satisfaction brought it back”. She is exactly the character that I needed as a role model during both my childhood and my adolescence: stubborn, curious, terribly ambitious... For some time I had been convinced that these were negative traits, but it’s mostly thanks to Penny that I’ve started to realise that they are good qualities instead.

I see a lot of myself in Penelope, and I could never thank Rainbow Rowell enough for creating her characters.

I could never thank Rainbow enough for writing about this amazing world and sharing it with us. And I will never stop thanking her for deciding to give us a sequel, Wayward son.

In the meanwhile, thank you. Yes, you: the person reading this review. I hope you enjoyed it! If so, follow me for new pieces :)

With love,

M.C.

P.S. I apologise for the inappropriate use of the editor but it appears that tumblr hates me.

P.P.S. My friend A. says hi – and wants you to know that the only reason she can stand the Mage is because his name is David... you know, like David Dobrik. I can’t even.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 122: What a Friendly Wall

Previously on BnHA: All Might filled Kacchan in on everything related to OFA and AFO and the like. Kacchan and Deku kicked off version 2.0 of their rivalry which looks to be much healthier and more productive than before. All Might talked Aizawa down from ripping both boys a new one, but he still put them both under house arrest and made them clean up the dorms. Kacchan gave Deku awkward rival advice to demonstrate how their relationship has grown and I was on cloud nine. Back at U.A., the kids (sans Kacchan and Deku) interacted with class B (who all passed their license exams) and, interestingly, Shinsou. Rat Principal conducted the opening ceremony, and All Might flashed back to his initial U.A. job interview, during which RP recommended a particular U.A. student (not Deku) as a potential successor to One for All. Presumably we’ll meet this mysterious person soon.

Today on BnHA: The opening ceremony concludes and classes resume. The kids ask Aizawa about the internships mentioned in the ceremony. Aizawa explains that they’re kind of like the work studies the kids previously did, but with the training wheels taken off. They’re also long-term and not arranged by the school but rather undertaken by the students in their free time. First year students normally do not participate, but with the rise in villain activity, the school is now considering it. Later that evening at the fanfic dorms, Deku takes out the trash and meets a disembodied face just chilling out in the wall near the garbage dump. Three days later, Deku is allowed to rejoin class, and Aizawa introduces the three top-ranked students at U.A. -- known as the Big Three -- to formally talk about the internships.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 151 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

OH MY GOD

have we really not gotten her bio before?? wow someone was really asleep on the job there

“you can’t deny that she’s almost becoming too powerful” I will not deny it, no

interesting that she has a weakness to cold environments. I wonder if her suit could be upgraded with a heater to counteract that. Todoroki had something similar I think

but. I do want to see sleepy Winter Tsuyu saying that she’s sleepy over and over again though

and her hairstyle is fucking mysterious. that has nothing to do with her being a frog girl. that’s all her

OH MY GOD IT’S THE GUY EVERYONE’S SCARED OF, HOUNDDOG SENSEI. I read your bio too early as well, sir. so I already know I love you

what the shit

I can why he is feared by children. for sure

lol Vlad King is translating

apparently Hounddog was spilling all the tea about Deku and Kacchan’s fight

everyone’s going to be so weirded out when they realize Deku and Kacchan are actually acting civilly around each other now. (or really, once they realize that Kacchan is behaving civilly toward Deku; let’s not pretend this wasn’t by and large very one-sided)

this makes three eventful things that have involved Bakugou within the last month. first the kidnapping, then him failing the exam, and now this secret nighttime fight. gossip for days. I’m really glad he’s starting to get his confidence now, he’s gonna need it to brush all of that off

so now the students are being dismissed back to their classrooms

some girl is asking another student whether he knows which first years got into a fight. but he seems to be ignoring her, and laughing almost ominously??

is this still the kid from the end of the last chapter? the would-be successor? Neville Longbottom? I don’t see any wings, though

so now class A is back in their homeroom and Aizawa’s telling them the new semester is gonna be even tougher than the last

Mina’s whispering to Tsuyu, “guess he’s not gonna say anything about it”

about what? the fight or the exam?? too much has happened recently, be more specific

now Tsuyu’s raising her hand to ask Aizawa a question

oh, she’s asking about the internships. forgot those were mentioned

the other kids are also curious

and Aizawa’s explaining they’re just like a more formalized version of the internships they did earlier

now Ochako is fucking LEAPING OUT OF HER SEAT AND SCREAMING “THEN WHY DID WE HAVE THE DAMN SPORTS FESTIVAL”

DEKU-KUN’S ARMS DIED FOR THIS!!!

and Iida’s agreeing that if they were gonna have internships anyway then why would it matter if they got scouted

wouldn’t they intern at the same places where they did the field training?

ah, Aizawa says that the internships are managed by the students themselves, so that’s why it was important for them to make some connections with agencies following the festival

I imagine this would be much harder for normal first year students who weren’t the stars of their first sports festival. they did say that it was usually the third year kids who got the most focus. they must really be desperate if they hadn’t been scouted by that point

apparently the hero agencies used to do their own recruiting in the past, but they would all fight over who got the U.A. students, so that’s why the system was changed

Aizawa says that now that they have their provisional licenses (except poor Todoroki), they’re eligible to participate in more formal, longer-term hero activities

so when exactly are these internships gonna take place then? he said he wasn’t planning to tell them about this until later. and apparently this used to only be something they did with the second and third year students, but given recent events, they’re now giving serious thought to letting the first years get some experience as well

and now first period is starting and Mic’s walking in lol. and Aizawa’s walking off

(ETA: oooh, this is a good opportunity to ask a question I’ve had for a while, which is: does anyone know what subject Aizawa actually teaches? because Mic here has now been established as their English teacher, and I’m just curious what Aizawa does. if I had to guess I’d go with hero law or something. but actually it would be really funny if it was like. art)

and we’re cutting back to the dorms yaaay

and Deku’s room

he’s working out and apparently his arm is feeling better

I guess he strained it a bit with that punch earlier?

and he’s remembering what the doctor said about him permanently damaging his arms if he keeps pushing it

the previous night he let his emotions get the better of him, and he’s thinking that even though he was being careful, he should probably restrain himself in future situations

now we’re cutting to evening and the other kids are giving Deku and Kacchan a hard time, which frankly I would be disappointed if they did not

BAKUGOU WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT ISN’T HIS DUST, HE DID A GOOD JOB CLEANING, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

I imagine that Bakugou actually is pretty good at cleaning, since he’s probably gotten his fair share of similar punishments in the past

(ETA: yeah I’m pretty sure the Bakugou household is spotless and Kacchan is a god at any and all domestic chores for this exact reason)

Satou and Kirishima are talking about Mic’s class earlier, and Jirou, Ojiro, and Hagakure are talking about the internships while Deku listens curiously

I’m surprised that the house arrest involved them missing all of their classes tbh

oh my god even Iida is dragging Deku

MISTER HOUSE ARREST

wow, apparently they were forbidden from talking about class to either him or Bakugou

I take it back, this is probably the best punishment they could come up with for either of them. they’ll never pull something like this again as long as they live

(well, maybe not for a couple of weeks. they’re still stupid and have short memories)

and as long as the teachers make sure they’re able to catch up (which shouldn’t be too hard given that these two were almost at the top of the class to start with), there isn’t really much harm done

anyway, Iida says he’s mad at Deku, and that he and Bakugou are getting their just desserts

so now Deku’s hauling out the trash and sulking about being left behind

it’s so perfect, because we know how obsessed Deku is with taking notes about everything. and we know how hyper-competitive Bakugou is. so yeah, they’d really be feeling it. and this is only the first day

anyways hey what the fuck is this

lol. :’D should I be getting ready to scream here

>:D hey there fella

oh okay, thanks

what a friendly wall

LMAO that’s exactly the interaction that takes place though, oh shit I can’t

JUST HERO SCHOOL THINGS

SKJDSLAK NOW HE’S ON THE GROUND

HE’S ASKING IF HE SURPRISED DEKU. YEAH BUD. YOU DID

WOW WHAT A WEIRD LITTLE FACEMAN

HOW PECULIAR

he says he’s sure Deku will know all about him soon enough! :)

in any case, what’s important is you keep your spirits up! :)

he says “there’s some sort of rumor going around” so Deku needs to have his wits about him :)

and now he’s disappeared again

gooooooood question. whatever it was it was amazing

and now we’re fast forwarding to three days later (so Kacchan is still on his last day of house arrest lol, BUT YOU DID START IT BUSTER)

and Deku is screaming apologies at everyone, and he’s fucking FIRED UP

looooool

so Aizawa says that now that Deku is back they’re gonna talk formally about the internships

I guess they don’t need to wait for Bakugou because he doesn’t have his license yet anyway. how fucking awkward is all of this for Shouto though, damn

Aizawa’s beckoning someone inside, and he says they’re going to hear about the internships firsthand from someone with personal experience

oh! it’s some third years!

woooooow omg

Horikoshi has mentioned Belgian comics before (as part of Monoma’s “likes” I think. of all people), so I guess it’s not that much of a surprise that he went and gave somebody a Tintin face

now I’m starting to think this isn’t the wings guy. is this still the successor that RP was going to recommend to All Might though? the hair’s the same so I’m thinking yes

imagine this guy with One for All powers. frankly I love him, so. it wouldn’t have been the worst thing

the girl is really pretty but also nondescript enough that I’m coming short when it comes to nicknames. PLEASE GET SOME CHARACTER TRAITS OR A NAME SOON SO I DON’T HAVE TO FLAIL AROUND

this other guy is basically Messy Uchiha Sasuke. like, Sasuke if he just didn’t give any fucks

(ETA: or Sasuke if he had elf ears and crippling anxiety)

so that’s the end of the chapter! is this next arc gonna be internships then. what will Bakugou and Todoroki do omg I’m gonna miss them

(ETA: I’m not even gonna comment sob)

 BONUS:

 the bonus page for this one was the hound dog guy. just a reminder that everyone is terrified of him and he is A Distinguished Man on Campus and he likes drinks with his dinner

[goondis-and-the-plupples]

1920′s Chicago AU masterlist

all credit goes to the brilliant anon who created this au!!!

Scene:

“1920s Chicago people from all over are moving, the world is changing and whether they are immigrants or natives, rich or poor, a suave detective or an artist they’re all a possible victim but to who and why? Crime, love, and the changing of times, it’s all happening. “

Starring:

Ryan Bergara: The out of place Californian “ghost hunter”. Broke, desperate and with nothing to lose when he hears about the strange occurrences happening in Chicago he caught the first train there and now is stuck. He’s got some dark secrets and no matter what his two partners do he’s not letting them know anything about his brothers who are only known as Goldsworth and Night-Night. Reluctantly he joins forces with Detective Madej and Miss Impicciche to get to the bottom of what’s happening. 

Shane Madej: Detective Shane Madej used to work for the police station but his bosses hated him and he spent his day drawing hot dog comics so with the money his brother he affectionately calls “long legs” sends him he bought himself a big house and started his own detective agency and he employs his friends such as Miss Impicche who he’s still not sure how he found. He met his partner in crime and best friend Ryan the day he moved there and saw him yelling at the “ghosts” in the corn field.

Kelsey Impicciche: A ball of sunshine who Shane says he “discovered”. She tags along on cases and can be seen in the back making her shocked faces at Ryan and Shane and figure clues out. No ones quite sure where Kelsey came from the story changes every time is she a Italian immigrant, a lost movie star, a former girl on the streets all they know is she’s employed at the Madej house and is pretty crucial in solving what the heck is going on in Chicago.

Sara Rubin: An artist who you can find drawing around the city; she loves Shane and has one rule - “don’t get killed and don’t get any animals killed or I’ll kill you.”

Madam Safiya Nygaard: A literal Queen; once shot down a robber from her third story window window with a slingshot. Left the business Buzzes Miracle Feed a few years ago. Lives in the huge mansion on the end of the street with Tyler and Crusty and no one knows anything about her except that she gets packages every week.

Steven Lim: Food critic who has a joking rivalry with Ryan since they’re both stuck in Chicago but Steven for a different reason unlike Ryan he has money but is always seems to be swindled by the Lady Like Ladies Of Cherry Street. The guy just can’t resist what they’re offering him. Kind of disappointed the city doesn’t have that much truffle. 

Andrew Ilnyckyj: Works for the newspaper and tags along with Steven to write about local restaurants and because Steven always pays and is pretty nice.  

Adam Bianchi: Takes pictures for the newspaper takes along with Steven and Andrew. looks reallyyy good in a 1920s suit and sometimes Kelsey calls him up because Ryan and Shane forgot to bring a camera to take pictures of the crime scene 

Lady Like: the ladies dressed to the nines that sip tea and watch people outside Freddie’s boutique. Know everything about everyone. Will dwindle you out of money. The law doesn’t apply to them.

Try Guys: Exactly what they are today: a bunch of guys who started their own company after leaving Buzz’s Miracle Feed and are literally the only people in the whole city that don’t have any dark secrets. 

Ariel Fulmer: An architect and interior designer for the town and they’re all just wholesome with Neds son like a big family.

TJ Marchbank: Shane’s neighbor who pretends he doesn’t like Shane, but is always lurking around cases; when asked why, he claims that they’d all get themselves killed if it wasn’t for him. Keeps the boys in line when Kelsey can’t. Scares Shane a lot and says he has a life outside of the boys but does he really no ones sure

ANYWAY I LOVE THIS AU THANK YOU ANON AND BLESS YOUR SOUL

[hollowgroverp]

THE EVENT HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN!

A few reminders:

There will be no acceptances during the event.

The event will run through the end of day Saturday, May 19th.

Information about the event can be found here. There are plenty of events that will take place over two days in game and you will have a full week to interact during any of these events.

Please run any major plots past us beforehand.

Plot drops will be posted over the next few days to give you activities to plot through. 

Otherwise, have a great time! Let me know if you have any questions.

Hollow Grove Charity Softball Game

The rivalry of this game is rather legendary, every year the Hollow Grove Fire Department and Police stations face off for bragging rights for the year. Coming in after last years last minute win HGFD is feeling a little more than confident this year and HGPD is looking to reclaim their title after last years embarrassing defeat. This year saw a huge increase in volunteer players to help out both departments in their annual rivalry game and there was a lot of talk about who brought in more ringers. 

With star pitcher Jackson Ramos, HGPD thought they might have it in the bag, and while Colton DeForest seemed far less competitive from former years the sheriff appeared to be rather cool and collective. Conspiracy theorist reason it had something to do with his confidence in the team this year but most figured it had to do with the munchkin in the stands. While Colton took a break from the competitive spirit, a newcomer to the HGPD Oliver Hastings was having way too much heckling his older brother Dash Hastings. Between him and Ryder Daniels, its a surprise HGFD could pay any attention. The three are caught roughhousing more than once and poor Maddy Holt found herself breaking up a tussle or two.

Of course, no one would be more distracting than this year's crowd. Alex Traynor and Phoebe Stones found solace in a bottle and it sure did make for an interesting crowd experience. Dinah Diamond, of course, found herself torn between the two teams given how friendly she is with players on both teams but Evie Ducasse’s loyalties clearly lie with HGFD judging by the adorable firefighter outfit her little guy was in. 

The first few innings proved to be entertaining, to say the least. Nicholas Adler was proving himself to be both an asset and liability, while his skills were great, how easily he was distracted by a pretty girl was starting to cause all sort of problems when he’d get pulled away to flirt with one woman or another. Then, of course, who could forget last years loss at the hands of Isabelle Cresswell. HGPD did their best to put her in the least harmful position but HGFD seemed more than eager to take advantage and between her and Ava Bishop, the two girls are causing point after point to the fire department. The first half of the game seems to be going considerably well for HGFD and it looks like for a moment they have it in the bag. 

Then who could forget Jacob Thorne and Ryan Carroll’s friendly banter? The competition between the two jokesters was unavoidable. That was of course until a line drive with a little too much power nailed Jake square in the stomach mid-joke at the top of the fifth inning. 

Rushing him off the field, the games pause for a moment as Emma Sawyer gets right to work on checking out Jacob. The lull in the crowd seems to cause some unrest and out of sheer boredom and what appears to be a tradition in its self, Phoebe Stones decides to streak across the field leading to the game taking a break. 

With the focus on Phoebe for a moment, no one noticed Isabelle and Cassie Cresswell talking slightly heated along the edges of the bleachers, that was until Caleb Hunter’s newfound wolf senses caught him ease dropping on his girlfriend and her sister. What he heard next though was certainly alarming. Issy was pregnant, the shock alone caused Caleb to fall off the bleachers, hitting his head and causing yet another rustle in the crowd. At Emma’s request, Issy and loaded him up and the two headed off to the hospital. 

The game soon picked up once more and with one bad player gone, things were looking up for HGPD. The PD keeps creeping ahead, one hit at a time until their almost ten points ahead. That is until they bring in Nate Hastings to pitch. Things start to look up fire department once up and slowly but surely Nate’s pitching helps them gain some ground. In the seventh inning and he finds himself face staring down Sophie Vidales. She knocks it into left field and speeds off towards first. Matt Andrews fires the ball to Eric Blake and it's a close call but the FD cheers when they hear the words. “YOUR OUT!” Lucy Danvers and Sophie instantly start yelling over the bad call, Abraham Johnson quickly finds himself stepping in after letting the two women tear apart the umpire for a moment. Despite the few bad calls, HGPD managed to rally and quickly retook the game. 

It’s the bottom of the ninth and HGFD is up to bat. At this point, HGPD is up by 2 points and HGFD has Matt Andrews and Eric Blake on second and third and Billie Lawson is up to bat. HGPD is acting like they have it in the bag at this point. Arrogantly, they forgot to take into consideration how quick Billie was. A decent hit was enough to get Matt and Eric in but in their attempt to stop them from getting home the Police department missed Billie speeding around the bases. A catch gone uncaught has her rounding third and heading to home. The crowd is screaming and both dugouts are yelling at the small brunette heads for home base.

The crowd pauses in anticipation, who would be this year's winner of the rivalry softball game? Would Billie seal another win for the HGFD or would the trophy return to its former home at the HGPD. Everyone is on their feet to see the call. 

“SAFE”

The winner of the HGPD vs HGFD charity softball game is………….. Hollow Grove Fire Department!

BACHELOR AUCTION:

“Thank you for all your generous bids, your support for the children has been overwhelming! This year's highest-earning basket was Basket Sixteen, Mr. Lukas Blackwell! The winners of the baskets are as follows:”

Basket 1: Jackson Ramos was won by Avery Carter-Wate

Basket 2: Nate Hastings was won by Ava Bishop 

Basket 3: Nathaniel Greyson was won by Genevieve Beauchamp

Basket 4: Caleb Hunter was won by Phoebe Stones

Basket 5: Abraham Johnson was won by Luna Shaw

Basket 6:  Cain King was won by Ally Bishop

Basket 7:  Ryder Daniels was won by Michaela Wayland 

Basket 8:  Zane Hartman was won by Catherine Carmichael

Basket 9: Lukas Blackwell was won by Madge Knight

Basket 10: Scout Matthews  was won by Caroline Carrier

Basket 11: Jett Danvers was won by Imogen Mastrano

Basket 12: James Thatch was won by Evie Ducasse

Basket 13: Adam Haley was won by Alexandra Cunningham

Basket 14: Nicholas Adler was won by Billie Lawson

Basket 15: Oliver Hastings was won by Savannah Daniels

Basket 16: Jacob Thorne was won by Maddy Holt

Basket 17:  Eric Blake was won by Cassie Cresswell

Basket 18: Jayce Sterling was won by Victoria Hernandez

Basket 19: Rhysor O’Callan was won by Dinah Diamond 

Basket 20:  Colton DeForest was won by  Summer Hart 

Basket 21: Liam Ainsworth was won by Sophie Vidales

Basket 22: Dash Hastings was won by Ria Desai

Special Note: We had a lot of bids in comparison to baskets, for this reason, we made a special point of making sure that each player had at least one character that would have at least one pairing. Meaning if you have multiple characters, we apologize, we just didn’t have the resources to pair everyone but at least one of your characters should be included in some kind of pairing

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Grading Super Bowl LI

What was the final score?

New England 34, Atlanta 28 (OT)

How much of the game was close? What was the “edge of your seat factor” like? (20 points)

If we’re judging solely on the basis of what percentage of the game was close, Super Bowl LI wouldn’t score particularly well on this category. After a scoreless first quarter, the Falcons exploded for 21 second quarter points. Atlanta scored a touchdown every time they touched the ball in the second quarter, apart from the possession that started with 0:02 left in the half.

The third quarter was more of the same. Atlanta went into halftime with an 18 point lead and went into the fourth quarter with a 19 point lead.

And then it happened. The Patriots caught fire and came all the way back to win the Super Bowl. I remember thinking during on the day of the game, as late as the fourth quarter, that New England wasn’t out of the game. I’ve seen too many “miracles” performed by this team to think of them as being anything other than just what they do. It’s not a miracle when you can do it with some regularity.

So while much of the game wasn’t remarkably close, there was plenty of “edge of your seat” time during Super Bowl LI. It went from “they can’t possibly do this, can they?” to “no, this isn’t happening” to “they’re going to do this, aren’t they?” to “HOLY CRAP, THAT JUST HAPPENED.” At nearly any point of the fourth quarter, if any play had gone Atlanta’s way instead of New England’s way, it could have decided the game. Every play was important. The Patriots needed to keep scoring, keep Atlanta off the scoreboard, and keep the Falcons’ possessions short. They got it all done. It was riveting stuff.

Sorry, Falcons fans. I feel your pain. Super Bowls XXV-XXVIII still hurt, a quarter-century later. I’d tell you you’ll get over it, but you won’t. It’s going to suck forever. (Score: 15 out of 20. It loses points because so little of the game was close, but earns most of those points back because the finish was so incredible.)

Was there any kind of comeback? Was there ever any indication that the team which was trailing had a chance to come from behind and win? (15 points)

Um, yes. There was a comeback. It was one of the greatest comebacks I’ve ever seen. Truth be told, this 25-point comeback by the Patriots might be more impressive than the 32-point comeback that the Bills pulled off during the 1992 playoffs. It probably is a better comeback, considering the opposition.

The Falcons had all the tools they needed to burn clock and put the game away. They had good running backs and a strong offensive line. Devonta Freeman looked like one of the best backs of the century during the first half, ripping off chunks of yardage with lightning-quick cutbacks that made defenders look like fools. 99 times out of 100, if this Falcons offense wanted to go ball-possession, they’d have been able to pull it off without a hitch.

In comparison, if you wanted to build a team to possess as little of the ball as possible and to give its opponents as many opportunities to score as possible, you’d end up with something that looked a lot like the ‘92 Oilers. They chucked the pigskin all over the place, threw downfield, and almost never ran the ball. With an offense like that, you’re either going to score, punt, or turn the ball over in a hurry.

To be fair to that Bills team, a 32-point comeback is incredible in any situation. I’m not downplaying that at all. It’s just that I think it’s more of an accomplishment to come back from a 25-point deficit against a team with a pro-style offense than it is to come back from a 32-point deficit against a Run and Shoot team.

This was a ridiculously great comeback. (Score: 15 out of 15)

Did the great players come through with great performances? (15 points)

They did, without fail.

Tom Brady won his fourth Super Bowl MVP award while setting single game Super Bowl records for most pass attempts (62), most pass completions (43), and most passing yards (466). Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan, the regular season NFL MVP, completed 17 of his 23 pass attempts for 284 yards, two touchdowns, and zero interceptions.

Atlanta’s All-Pro wide receiver Julio Jones caught four passes for a team-high 87 yards, including an incredible grab along the sideline in the fourth quarter.

Speaking of great catches, New England wide receiver Julian Edelman caught five passes for 87 yards. Let’s put a pin in Edelman’s performance. We’ll get back to him.

Every single player you’d expect to come up big in an important situation performed well: Brady, Ryan, Jones, Edelman, Danny Amendola, Devonta Freeman. Dwight Freeney had a sack. Patrick Chung and Malcolm Butler were good. You’d be hard-pressed to find a star player in Super Bowl LI who played poorly. (Score: 15 out of 15)

Were the teams historically great? (10 points)

I’ve run out of things to say about the Patriots. Of course they’re historically great. They’re the very definition of historical greatness, the measuring stick by which future dynasties will be measured.

It’s too early to make a call on the 2016 Falcons, but early signs point to no. They were a very good team and a deserving NFC champion, but they had their flaws. The Falcons defense was in the bottom 10 in the NFL in points allowed, yards allowed, first downs allowed, passing yards allowed, passing touchdowns allowed, and yards per rush allowed. The offense was able to make up for that by leading the league in most points, fewest turnovers, and percentage of drives on which they scored. In 2016, the Falcons offense put points on the board in more than half of their possessions.

Looking at the 2016 Falcons in a wider context hurts their cause more than it helps it. Before this Super Bowl season, Atlanta hadn’t posted a winning record since 2012. The Falcons did win 10 games in 2017, earning the #6 seed in the NFC playoffs and losing in the Divisional round. They’re a good team. They have good players and good coaches. But they aren’t great in a historical context. (Score: 9 out of 10)

Were there memorable moments that will be talked about for decades? (10 points)

Edelman’s catch. My goodness. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to place it alongside David Tyree’s helmet catch in Super Bowl XLII as the greatest reception in Super Bowl history.

Down eight points with less than 2:30 left in the game and in his own territory, Tom Brady threw downfield to Edelman. Falcons cornerback Robert Alford got to it first but couldn’t catch the ball. It began to fall end over end at the Atlanta 40 yard line in a group of four players, three of them in red and black. Edelman dove for the ball as it hit Alford in the leg and Falcons safety Ricardo Allen in the arm. The Patriots receiver got his hands on the ball as he fell to the turf, then suddenly bobbled it. Still falling, still in the air, Edelman somehow got his hands under the ball and made the catch as he crashed to the ground.

Words don’t really do it justice. I’ve seen the play probably ten times and am still blown away by Edelman’s concentration and hands. Not bad for a guy who played quarterback at Kent State and didn’t move to receiver until he got to the NFL.

Two other plays come to mind: The first is James White’s game-winning touchdown, which was the first overtime score in Super Bowl. The other memorable play is the Julio Jones catch late in the fourth quarter. With the Falcons up by eight and driving for what would have been the game-clinching score, Jones went up in the air and made a diving, twisting catch while somehow landing both feet in bounds. If Atlanta had won the game, that grab by Jones would have been remembered similarly to the Julian Edelman catch on New England’s next drive. (Score: 10 out of 10)

How was the quality of play? Were there a lot of penalties, punts, and turnovers? (15 points)

Mostly very good. Brady was incredible, Ryan was very good, the receivers were good. I have no huge complaints with the quality of the game.

On the negative side: Atlanta converted once all night on third down and committed nine penalties. There were three turnovers, ten sacks, and a missed field goal. It was a very good game, but it wasn’t perfect. (Score: 12 out of 15)

Are there any other factors that add to the greatness the game? This covers things like weather, story line, rivalry matchup, legacy franchises, unexpected results, etc. (15 points)

So many story lines.

The Patriots set the all-time records for most Super Bowl appearances (9), largest comeback (25), most offensive plays in a game (93), and most passing yards (442). Tom Brady set the all-time records for most Super Bowl appearances as a player (7), most Super Bowl appearances as a starter (7), most Super Bowls won as a quarterback (5), and most Super Bowl MVP awards (4). Bill Belichick set the records for most Super Bowl appearances as a head coach (7), most Super Bowl appearances as an assistant or head coach (10), most Super Bowl appearances in any capacity (10), and most Super Bowls won as a head coach (5). James White set Super Bowl records for most receptions in a game (14) and most points scored in one game (20). A lot of significant stuff happened on the field.

In addition to all the records the Patriots set, this was also the first overtime Super Bowl in history. For decades, Super Bowl broadcasters seemed to run the same graphic every year: “No Super Bowl has ever gone to overtime.” That graphic has been retired permanently.

Falcons head coach Dan Quinn was facing the Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in three years, and also suffered his second heartbreaking Super Bowl loss in that time. Quinn was the defensive coordinator for the Seahawks team that lost Super Bowl XLIX when Russell Wilson threw a goal line interception in the fourth quarter. (Score: 15 out of 15)

How does the game grade overall? (sum of all previous categories, 100 points)

One of the reasons I undertook this project was the national media’s reaction to Super Bowl LI. Everywhere I looked, somebody was calling it the greatest Super Bowl ever played. That seemed like it could be a bit of a stretch - it felt like every Super Bowl every season was immediately called The Greatest.

But here’s the thing: A bunch of recent Super Bowls have been historically great. Two of the top three Super Bowls of all time in my system have been played since the 2014 season. My top five Super Bowls include SB42, SB38, SB49, and SB51.

So while it seems like every year’s Super Bowl is called “the greatest”, it’s mostly been justified. There can only be one Greatest, and it may well be Super Bowl LI. This one grades out at 91 out of 100, the highest rating I’ve given.

Ratings and rankings of Super Bowls I-LI:

T1. Super Bowl LI - New England 34, Atlanta 28 (OT) - 91 points T1. Super Bowl XLII - New York Giants 17, New England 14 - 91 points 3. Super Bowl XLIX - New England 28, Seattle 24 - 90 points T4. Super Bowl XIII - Pittsburgh 35, Dallas 31 - 87 points T4. Super Bowl XXXVIII - New England 32, Carolina 29 - 87 points 6. Super Bowl XXXVI - New England 20, St. Louis 17 - 86 points 7. Super Bowl XXIII - San Francisco 20, Cincinnati 16 - 85 points T8. Super Bowl XXV - New York Giants 20, Buffalo 19 - 84 points T8. Super Bowl XXXIV - St. Louis 23, Tennessee 16 - 84 points T10. Super Bowl X - Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17 - 80 points T10. Super Bowl XLIX - New Orleans 31, Indianapolis 17 - 80 points 12. Super Bowl XLVI - New York Giants 21, New England 17 - 78 points 13. Super Bowl XXXII - Denver 31, Green Bay 24 - 77 points 14. Super Bowl XLVII - Baltimore 34, San Francisco 31 - 76 points 15. Super Bowl VII - Miami 14, Washington 7 - 74 points 16. Super Bowl XLIII - Pittsburgh 27, Arizona 23 - 71 points 17. Super Bowl XXX - Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 17 - 69 points T18. Super Bowl IX - Pittsburgh 16, Minnesota 6 - 68 points T18. Super Bowl XXXI - Green Bay 35, New England 21 - 68 points T18. Super Bowl XLV - Green Bay 31, Pittsburgh 25 - 68 points T21. Super Bowl XVII - Washington 27, Miami 17 - 67 points T21. Super Bowl XXVIII - Dallas 30, Buffalo 13 - 67 points 23. Super Bowl XXXIX - New England 24, Philadelphia 21 - 66 points 24. Super Bowl XIV - Pittsburgh 31, Los Angeles 19 - 65 points 25. Super Bowl XVI - San Francisco 26, Cincinnati 21 - 62 points T26. Super Bowl XL - Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 10 - 61 points T26. Super Bowl XIX - San Francisco 38, Miami 16 - 61 points T28. Super Bowl III - New York Jets 16, Baltimore 7 - 58 points T28. Super Bowl XXII - Washington 42, Denver 10 - 58 points 30. Super Bowl XXI - New York Giants 39, Denver 20 - 57 points 31. Super Bowl XXVII - Dallas 52, Buffalo 17 - 55 points 32. Super Bowl XXXIII - Denver 34, Atlanta 19 - 53 points 33. Super Bowl VI - Dallas 24, Miami 3 - 52 points 34. Super Bowl XX - Chicago 46, New England 10 - 51 points T35. Super Bowl I - Green Bay 35, Kansas City 10 - 50 points T35. Super Bowl XXXVII - Tampa Bay 48, Oakland 21 - 50 points T35. Super Bowl XLI - Indianapolis 29, Chicago 17 - 50 points T38. Super Bowl XVIII - Los Angeles Raiders 38, Washington 9 - 49 points T38. Super Bowl XXIV - San Francisco 55, Denver 10 - 49 points T40. Super Bowl XXVI - Washington 37, Buffalo 24 - 48 points T40. Super Bowl 50 - Denver 24, Carolina 10 - 48 points 42. Super Bowl VIII - Miami 24, Minnesota 7 - 47 points 43. Super Bowl XV - Oakland 27, Philadelphia 10 - 44 points 44. Super Bowl IV - Kansas City 23, Minnesota 7 - 43 points 45. Super Bowl XXXV - Baltimore 34, New York Giants 7 - 42 points T46. Super Bowl II - Green Bay 33, Oakland 14 - 40 points T46. Super Bowl V - Baltimore 16, Dallas 13 - 40 points 48. Super Bowl XXIX - San Francisco 49, San Diego 26 - 39 points 49. Super Bowl XII - Dallas 27, Denver 10 - 38 points 50. Super Bowl XI - Oakland 32, Minnesota 14 - 35 points 51. Super Bowl XLVIII - Seattle 43, Denver 8 - 34 points

[lewisbrandon25]

Cleveland Browns 2017 Season Breakdown

This year marks my third year of doing one of these breakdowns, the first two years ending with me predicting the Browns to go 7-9, only to have them end up 3-13 and 1-15 respectively. Before the preseason, I was telling everybody I knew I thought the Browns were at best going 2-14 this season, thinking this will be as painful as last year. However, watching this team play in the preseason, they look a lot better than the team a year ago. Again, preseason never means a thing, but it is encouraging to see a defense that can FINALLY tackle, and to see a quarterback who can throw the ball accurately, something this city hasn’t seen since Bernie Kosar, who a lot of people are comparing Deshone Kizer to because of the way Kizer plays inside and outside the pocket. Back in July, if you would have told me that Deshone Kizer would be the Browns staring quarterback opening day, I would have thought you were crazy. It just shows how much Kizer has grown since training camp because believe me; The reason he’s starting is not just because Brock Osweiler is complete trash, the kid possesses starting caliber talent, but he and this new look Browns team will be put to the test early. I like the way this team is going, and the way the front office is running things, cutting Joe Haden was for sure a step in the right direction, showing me this front office wants to win, and that they don’t care how long you’ve been in a orange helmet, they will get the players on this team who can help us win both now, and in the future.  I do think we take a mini jump this year, but I am not setting my expectations too high. The schedule is horrendous, and it starts at home against arch rival Pittsburgh, and their newly acquired corner back Joe Haden.

VS Steelers(September 10th, 2017)

(Joe Haden signs his new 3 yr/$17m with the Steelers on August 30th after being let go by the Browns the same day.)

Over the last few years, the Steelers-Browns rivalry has missed a little something; hatred. The Steelers lost a lot of old veterans who used to kill the Browns, making this feud a little less hard hitting, and a little bit more boring. This year though, the heat has turned back up with former Brown and pro bowl defensive back Joe Haden joining the Steeler secondary. To make things more interesting, former Steeler Sammie Coates is now on the other side as well, and we will see Coates be matched up with Haden on occasion. I know both players are going to be fired up for this game, but so will other players on both sides. Le’veon Bell returns for the Steelers after sitting out all of training camp with a contract dispute, Antonio Brown looking to prove he’s still the best wide out in pro football, and Browns rookies Jabrill Peppers and Deshone Kizer debut, the tandem seeking to bring a spark to the dawg pound on both sides of the ball. The #1 overall pick Myles Garrett will be out with a sprained ankle, but I do not really think it makes a difference, This Browns defensive line is stacked, and new defensive coordinator Gregg Williams will make sure this team is ready, Williams having a reputation as one of the best coordinators in the game, but also a dirty coach in large part to the bounty gate in 2009 with the eventual Super Bowl 44 champion New Orleans Saints. Bottom line, Williams is a gamer, and in his own words, HE DON’T GIVE A F*CK! This defense will be much improved, but the offense will be worse from last year. Yes, Kizer is at QB, and we have Crowell, and a OL, but we do not have any pass catchers, leading to the Browns downfall in this game. Free agent signing Kenny Britt isn’t very good from what I’ve seen, and Corey Coleman isn’t a #1 WR that can go make plays on every down. After those two, our best wide out may be running back Duke Johnson. The position is so weak that I don’t know how the Browns are going to throw it, and you cannot beat this Steeler team without some kind of offense through the air. I think the game is close, but Pittsburgh will win 27-17, and travel out of First Energy 1-0 while the Browns head to arch rival Baltimore 0-1

@Ravens(September 17th, 2017)

(Jeremy Maclin, the Ravens new wide receiver, catching a pass during training camp.)

In the offseason, the Kansas City Chiefs surprisingly cut wide out Jeremy Maclin after the 28 year old had 44 catches during 12 games last year for the club. Yes, the production was down, but the Chiefs also had other play makers, especially Tyreke Hill to make plays for them, resulting in Maclin’s role being reduced. The Chiefs I guess felt they did not need Maclin’s services, but the Ravens felt like they did. I wish the Browns could have grabbed Maclin, his game could have opened up a lot for our offense, him instantly becoming the top target. He’s in Maryland though, and the Browns cornerbacks will have to defend him. With that being said, I don’t know how well he will do in this game. The Browns don’t have great DB’s, but the Ravens offense is a mess. Joe Flacco may not even play this game, and even if he does, the Ravens are getting old, and their OL will not be able to meet the penetration of the Browns DL at the point of attack.The Browns also play well in Baltimore, and I think they squick out a victory in this one by a field goal in a defensive battle, evening the Browns record at 1-1, tying the amount of victories this team had a year ago.

@Colts(September 24th, 2017)

(Colts Quarterback Andrew Luck dropping back to pass during a game.)

I still do not understand how the Colts in three years have gone from a AFC Championship game vs the Patriots, to accusing the Patriots of using deflated balls in that game, to now a complete utter trash bin without any help for their franchise quarterback. Chuck Pagano has overstayed his welcome, and his seat is as hot as ever. This team is a train wreck with a OL who injured their starting Quarterback, a old aged running back, a depleted receiving core like the Browns have, and a old defense. With that being said, if Luck plays this game, the Colts will win since this is a typical game for the Browns to drop; a winnable game on the road. Luck is good enough to take a ok receiving core and torch the Browns below average secondary. Yes, the Browns DL can break through this OL like the Ravens game, but like the Steelers game, the Colts are going to design quick hitters and dissect this secondary apart like only Andrew Luck can. You know former Browns head coach and current Colts Offensive Coordinator Rob “Chud” Chudzinski will be motivated as well to prove to the Browns he did not deserve to get fired after one season. Don’t worry chud, you didn’t! Anyways, if Luck plays Colts win a close one. If he is inactive, whoever the quarterback for the Colts will be, they will get slaughtered and lose to this Browns defense. Andrew: I do think you do play, and you better since the fate of your coach, and your team rests on your young shoulders.

VS Bengals(October 1st, 2017)

(Bengals wide receiver AJ Green scoring a touchdown vs the Browns)

The 86th edition of the “Battle of Ohio” comes to Cleveland in week 4 when the Bengals come to town for the Browns second home game. The Bengals own the Browns, and I think it continues here. The Bengals did lose pro bowl LT Andrew Whitworth to the Rams, and starting RG Kevin Zeitler to the Browns, but again, the Bengals offense is just too good. AJ Green will dismantle the Browns defensive backs and John Ross with his 4′2 combine speed will only add to the trouble. The Bengals did finish with a 6-9-1 record last season, but they had a lot of injuries including AJ Green, Tyler Eifert, Gio Bernard, and Jeremy Hill. Now with all those toys for Andy Dalton to play with, and you add the addition of Joe Mixon, this Bengals offense is a beast, a beast that is too much for the Browns defense, even a defense run by Gregg Williams can handle. On top of it, Vontaz Burfict returns from his 3 game suspension, and you know he’ll be ready to hit. Don’t be surprised if Kizer is out by the second quarter with a concussion! Last year, I said Hue would be motivated to beat his former team. For Hue, I don’t think it’s about that. For him, it’s about just winning games and getting better. Well, sorry Hue. You are not winning today, and you will fall to a total of 2-18 trough your first 20 games as the Browns head coach as the Bengals win this game 31-14.

VS Jets(October 8th, 2017)

(Josh McCown making an audible during a Jets preseason game vs the Titans.)

If the Browns don’t win this game, I will go on the biggest rant of all time. This Jets team is the worst team I have ever see. Yes, the Lions did go 0-16, but they had Calvin Johnson. The Jets best player may be their coach, Todd Bowels. I posted a picture of former Browns Quarterback Josh McCown just to show the guy some love, but honestly I feel for him. He is on a team with no talent at any position. Their best wide out is an old Matt Forte with an OL air could blow over with 0mph wind. Their defense was ok up front until they traded Sheldon Richardson to the Seahawks for Jermaine Kerse who in my opinion is a overrated WR with a huge contract. Seattle easily won the trade. They do have #6 overall pick Jamal Adams who I think will be a stud, but not right away, and unfortunately for him, he’s going to have to go through the growing pains of being on a horrible team for it least his first four years in the league. The Browns are rebuilding with young talent, also known as, the right way to rebuild a football team. On the other hand, New York is just signing old veterans with no gas left in the tank. I do believe the Jets go 0-16, but it would be classic Browns to lose this game. DON’T DO IT HUE! This should be a no contest, and we should be getting our first W of the year at First Energy Stadium.

@Texans(October 15th, 2017)

(Deshaun Watson, the Texans first pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, rolling out of the pocket during the Texans first preseason game vs the Panthers.)

I am so hoping Tom Savage, Bill O’ Brian’s prized possession, gets hurt before this game, so we can get the battle of Deshone vs Deshaun. The Texans and Browns wheeled and dealed with each other this offseason, the Texans dumping Brock Osweiler’s contract to the Browns for a second round pick, and then in the draft, the Browns gave up the #12 pick to Houston in exchange for a 2018 first round pick. After completing the draft day trade, the Texans spent the #12 pick on QB Deshaun Watson out of Clemson, signaling the front office isn’t too high on Savage, and I am saying the front office because clearly the coach prefers Savage, O’ Brian putting Savage in the starting lineup every chance he’s gotten since he was drafted back in 2014. Savage is coming off of a concussion, and let’s see if there’s any rust from not playing any real football since December. The Texans and the Browns are so similar as well in that both teams have a   great defense, both have questions on offense, and both have offensive minded coaches. Houston though, they have a guy by the name of Deandre Hopkins who is a top 5 wide out in the NFL, catching 94 passes last year, averaging 12.4 yards per catch and adding four touchdowns. The dude is a monster, and he will win the battle with whoever is on the outside for Cleveland. Will Fuller IV is out, so that means former Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller is going to have to step up, along with tight end C.J. Fiedorowicz and running back Lamar Miller. With that being said, Houston has more play makers than the Browns, and while the Browns do have a good pass rush, the Texans have a better one, including J.J. Watt, Jadeveon Clowney, and Whitney Mercilus. Even with a revamped line, I think Kizer will be running for his life this game. No matter who plays QB for Houston, they win.

VS Titans(October 22nd, 2017)

(Corey Davis getting his hug from Commissioner Goodell after the Titans drafted him with the #5 selection during the 2017 NFL Draft.)

One of the most surprising teams in the league last year was the Titans. With rookie head coach Mike Mularkey, the team’s former OL coach before getting promoted, the team went 9-7, tying with the Texans for first in the AFC South, but missing out on the postseason thanks to tie breakers, and the broken leg to star QB Marcus Mariota. Last year, this team methodically moved the ball down the field, using running backs Demarco Murray, the former Eagle and Cowboy who was traded to Tennessee from Philly, and second round pick Derek Henry. In the passing game, they found a young stud in Rishard Matthews and added to that core in the off season with additions Eric Decker from free agency, and Corey Davis, the fifth pick in the draft. The Titans defense is opportunistic, and is led by former great Steeler defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau. They play bend, but do not break defense, making sure their opponents don’t score touchdowns, helping their offense out in the process. If the Titans stay healthy, and return to last season’s form, they will be in the postseason bracket, and they will beat the Browns in Cleveland, dropping the Browns record to 2-5. I think Gregg Williams’ defense will keep us in it for 3 quarters, but the offense just won’t be able to get enough points on the board.

VS Vikings(October 29th, 2017: LONDON GAME!)

(Twickenham Stadium, the stadium in London where this game will be played.)

The Browns make their first trip across the pond in late October, facing the Minnesota Vikings. In my estimation, the Vikings will be a bad team this year. They have no play makers on offense but Dalvin Cook and Stephon Diggs, and you can’t win with just speed. Their defense is incredible, but I am not sure that the Vikings players are evening listening to their head coach Mike Zimmer, the Bengals former defensive coordinator, anymore because of what happened during the first half of the week 16 Vikings-Packers game last year when the defense completely ignored Zimmer’s plan. Zimmer’s been through a lot over the last couple of years, including having to have eye surgery that kept him out a week. I believe this is his last year in Minnesota, and the Minnesota ship is sinking with him. Expect this to be Sam “check down Charlie” Bradford’s last year at the helm with Teddy Bridgewater recovering from his torn ACL, and Bradford on the last year of his deal. The Browns on paper match up very well with the Vikings, their defenses and offenses basically cancel out. This is a 50-50 split, a heads-tails type situation where I really don’t know who will win. I do think London is in for a boring defensive game. Since I have to chose a winner, I’ll go Vikings, because the Browns will find a way to disappoint us even at 9:30 in the morning. if my predictions stay accurate, the Browns will head back home for their bye with a 2-6 record. For the Browns, 2-6 through the halfway point is a victory, considering they only had one win all of last year.

@Lions(November 12th, 2017)

(Mathew Stafford warming up before a Lions game)

Coming off the bye week, the Browns travel to Detroit to take on the the Lions. While the Browns will be rested for this game, the Lions are just too good. If Mathew Stafford did not get his finger injured last year that prevented him from taking under center snaps, the Lions I believe would have won the NFC North for the first time since 1991. Losing Anquan Boldin’s 67 targets and 8 touchdowns hurts, but Lions offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter is a mastermind, helping to reshape this Lions offense into something special. I have no clue how Jim Bob is not a NFL head coach. In his first two seasons with this offense, Stafford has thrown for over 4,000 yards each year. Sure, he’s thrown 5,000 yards in a season before but Cooter has helped Stafford turn down the turnovers, Stafford throwing a combined 56 touchdowns and 24 interceptions since Cooter got promoted to offensive coordinator in week 7 of 2015. Marvin Jones and Golden Tate will probably be laughing in the face of the Browns corners, and don’t forget about Zach Zenner, the Lions starting running back who took over late last year. This Lions offense has a lot of peices to cover, and in my opinion, too many for even a crazy Gregg Williams’ defense to cover. Add in the fact Darius Slay will shut down Kenny Britt, and it’s on the road against this good Lions pass rush. I think this will be a “rookie learning” game for Kizer as the Browns get punished in Mo-Town.

VS Jaguars(November 19th, 2017)

(Blake Bortles dropping back to pass vs the Bucs in week 2 of the preseason)

On paper, this Jaguar team is pretty good, like potential wildcard bound good. They have nice young players like Myles Jack, Jalen Ramsey, Leonard Fournette. and the Allen Brothers. They have a good mix of veterans like A.J. Bouye, Maurice Claiborne, Tashawn Gibson and Malik Jackson. The question for the Jaguars is their quarterback Blake Bortles, the #3 pick in the 2014 draft. Bortles had so much promise coming out of UCF, a lot of experts and myself included compared him to one of great quarterbacks Donovan McNabb. Bortles looked great in 2015, throwing for over 4,420 yards. Then, something happened, and Bortles doesn’t look the same. During the Jaguars second preseason game vs the Bucs, Bortles floated a pass down the right sideline to a wide open Allen Robinson, and he missed him by about ten yards. After the game, Doug Marone, the new Jaguars head coach after being promoted from the OL coach, declared that Chad Henne now had a shot to win the job, and somehow Bortles won it back. I like the direction Tom Coughlin is building this team, but as long as Bortles is under center unless he is fixed, the Jaguars are not going anywhere. The coaching staff sure seems to like him, but the players are looking like they are turning on him. During training camp one day, Bortles missed a wide open Allen Robinson and threw the ball 20 feet out of bounds. Robinson then screamed: “KEEP THAT SH*T IN BOUNDS BRUH!” Last year I predicted the Jaguars as my surprise team of the year. This year, I am predicting the Jaguars to go 5-11, and one of those 11 losses will come here. Gregg Williams is going to blitz Blake Bortles all day, making him feel uncomfortable. Kizer will have a bounce back day, and the Browns will get a nice November victory, heading into Cincinnati 3-7.

@Bengals(November 26th, 2017)

(Andy Dalton fired up)

The Browns and Bengals battle once again this season in a rematch from week four. If my week four prediction is accurate, the Bengals will be going for the sweep here. I talked about it in the first match up. The Bengals OL is not good, but their offense runs a lot of quick screens, and power inside runs that I don’t think the OL is a big deal against this Browns team. The Browns have a good DL, but it’s strength is with it’s defensive ends and it’s linebackers. I like Cooley, but he can’t do it alone inside the trenches. Shelton will have to have a big game here to give the Browns a chance at getting to the red rifle. The Bengals will rotate their 3 good backs, and use the electrifying John Ross to open up single coverage for A.J. Green who will once again torch this secondary. The Browns do play well in Cincinnati, and just like last year it will be a shootout, and the Bengals will pull away victorious.

@Chargers(December 3rd, 2017)

The Browns and Chargers start December the way they ended it last year, facing each other, except this time it’s in Los Angeles in that very small stadium. I don’t even have to describe the GIF above. We all know what happened the last time these two teams met. It was Christmas Eve, Santa struck coal into the Chargers players’ stockings, and the Browns won their first and only game of the season after Josh Lambo missed a cheep shot that would have sent this game into overtime. Now, the Chargers play in Los Angeles, they have a new kicker named Younghoe Koe from Korea, they have a new coach named Anthony Lynn, the former Bills OC, and they should have a healthy Keenan Allen. The Chargers will look very different, but the one thing that will remain the same will be Phillip Rivers with the cast of Melvin Gordon, Travis Benjamin, Hunter Henry, and Antonio Gates along with Allen to support him. That is a great offensive combination, and much like the Bengals, it will be too hard to cover. On the road in LA dealing with a time delay, this is a very tough game for the Browns. I say 24-7 Chargers. Up next, it doesn’t get any easier for the Browns as Aaron Rodgers is coming to town!

VS Packers(December 10th, 2017)

(Aaron Rodgers poised to throw a pass to Jared Cook on 3rd and 20 during the divisional round of last years playoffs vs the Cowboys. One of the most incredible throws/catches in the history of the league.) 

For the first time since 2009 when First Energy Stadium was still called Browns Stadium, the “bad man” enters Cleveland with the Packers on a quest to get back to the super bowl for the first time in seven years when they won it against the Steelers. Gregg Williams is a phenomenal defensive coach, but the Browns have no shot here. The Packers are used to the cold, and Aaron Rodgers can play pitch and catch with Jordy Nelson, Martellus Bennett  and Randall Cobb all day. This game reminds me of the Patriots game last year where we knew we had no shot. Coming into this game, let’s just pray it’s not 31-0 by halftime! Kizer: protect yourself buddy because this day is going to be a long one. If it’s close in the 4th, it will just show the strides the Browns have made this season, but I doubt it will be. For those of you without NFL Sunday Ticket or RedZone, prepare your Xbox One or PS4 for a long day of Madden, because this game will not be interesting from the opening kickoff.

VS Ravens(December 17th, 2017)

(Ravens new strong safety Tony Jefferson, formally of the Arizona Cardinals.)

The last two times the Browns have played Baltimore in Cleveland, we had the “kick six” and the Browns blew a 21-0 lead. This time, the Browns will finish off the “dirty birds.” As referenced in the first match up 13 weeks prior, the Ravens are getting old and are not the same team they used to be. I’ve thought over the last couple of years that the Browns were the better team. Well this year they show it by sweeping their old selves and sending a big screw you to Art and David Modell up in heaven for moving the team, and then saying “it’s like they never left.” I’ve always hated Baltimore more than Pittsburgh, and I hope we dominate this game. The addition of Tony Jefferson won’t make the biggest difference in the world, and the Browns will be motivated, considering the fact Jefferson took lower money from the Ravens then what the Browns gave him. To me, this is a game Kizer shines since Baltimore’s pass rush will be weakened with the missing links of Elvis Dumerville and Timmy Jernigan. Crowell will eat too. My dad should get a good birthday present, and so should the fans as this game is the home finale, the final home game giving the Browns just another reason to play their hearts out and win this game. 

@Bears(December 24th, 2017)

(Bears Quarterback Mitch Trubisky holding up his jersey with commissioner Goodell after the Bears moved up in the draft to get what they hope is their franchise quarterback.)

On draft night, the Bears gave up a 2017 3rd round pick, a 2017 4th round pick, and a 2019 3rd round pick all to move up one spot to take quarterback Mitchell Trubisky from North Carolina with the #2 pick. I thought it was a dumb move by the Bears. I don’t love Trubisky. I didn’t think he was worth all that the Bears gave up. If you are the #2 pick and you give up that much for a guy, that guy better be ready opening day. On opening weekend, Mitch will be the backup to Mike Glennon who got paid $16m to go play starter for it least the year. My hope for this game is that it’s snowing, and Mitch starts. Of course, we all know Mitch is from Mentor Ohio, so it would be cool for him to go up against the Browns and show them why he should have been taken over Myles Garrett. The Browns however, want to show they were right by having Kizer beat the Bears. By this point, both squads will be looking towards the draft, but it will be cool to see too young quarterbacks potentially battle it out in a blizzard to see who is superior. Gregg Williams loves rookie QB’s, and you better belief the Browns defense will be bringing some heat. For the first time all year, I believe Kizer has the better wide receiving core on the field with Markus Wheaton the former Steeler, becoming the Bears best wide receiver with Cameron Meredith out for the year. Sure Zach Miller is a good tight end, but he will be blanketed by Kirksey. The Browns in my opinion will improve to 5-10 while the Bears look forward to being in the top 3 of the 2018 draft with the Jets and another horrible team. For the second year in a row, Santa will bring Cleveland a Christmas gift right before the Cavs battle the Warriors.

@Steelers(December 31st, 2017)

(Steelers star running back Le’veon Bell throwing off Browns defender Jamie Collins during a Steeler-Brown game last season.)

The season finale is once again in Pittsburgh where last year the Browns lost to Landry Jones and the Steelers back ups in overtime. Before this article, I did my NFL 2017 Predictions, and I predicted that the Steelers would win the AFC North and be locked in to the #4 seed before week 17. Let’s hope that’s the case, so then the Steelers can play their reserves again, allowing the Browns to have a better chance at winning. Knowing our luck though, I doubt it will happen. In a meaningless game for the Browns, no matter who plays for the Steelers. they will play their hearts out. I just want to see good effort, and I do think we’ll get effort with Gregg Williams at the helm on defense and Hue Jackson’s motto “We gotta get better” applying to the offense. I’ll pick Pittsburgh though, and that will help our draft position as ultimately the Browns I predict will finish the year a strong 5-11, competing in most games, a 4 game improvement from a year ago.

Conclusion:

This Browns team has a lot of promise in the future. If Kizer is who I think he is, the Browns have found themselves a franchise quarterback. Jabrill Peppers looks really good, adding to a defense that will be brutal under Gregg Williams potentially a top 5 defense behind Seattle, Kansas City, Houston, and the LA Rams. Im still not sold on Garrett, but he hopefully can prove me wrong. It’s his effort i’m worried about. I don’t see it constantly. I like David Njoku, but he needs to catch on quick to help this offense because Kenny Britt looks like a waste of money, and Coleman is a #2 WR at best. I really wish we kept Pryor. The OL is solidified besides the RT, but hopefully Shone Coleman can prove he’s a starting right tackle in the National Football League. Overall, this season is about keeping Kizer healthy and growing for the future. The Browns have the 21st hardest schedule this year according to ESPN, tying with the Lions, so 5 wins is a great step in a bright future. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK IN THE COMMENTS!

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Grading Super Bowl XXXVIII

What was the final score?

New England 32, Carolina 29

How much of the game was close? What was the “edge of your seat factor” like? (20 points)

Considering the whole game from start to finish, there has never been a closer, more “edge of your seat” Super Bowl than this one. Super Bowl XXXVIII set the record for the longest scoreless period at the start of the game, but there was a scoring explosion in the final three minutes of the first half.

After the Patriots opened the scoring with a Tom Brady-to-Deion Branch touchdown pass with 3:05 left in the second quarter, the floodgates opened. Jake Delhomme led the Panthers on the second-longest touchdown drive (to that point) in Super Bowl history, 95 yards in eight plays, to tie the score at 7-7 with 1:07 left. This gave Brady a chance to do his thing and turn nothing into something. The Patriots stormed downfield, going 78 yards in 49 seconds to take a 14-7 lead. It perhaps should have stayed 14-7 for the rest of the half, but a squib kickoff backfired badly on New England. Taking over at their own 47, Carolina got a quick 21 yards on a draw play to Stephen Davis before John Kasay drilled a 50-yard field goal on the last play of the first half. It was 14-10 Patriots at the half.

After a scoreless third quarter, the fourth quarter looked something like an Arena Football game, in which you got the feeling the winner would be whichever team was able to get a defensive stop. Antowain Smith scored just seconds into the fourth to give New England a 21-10 lead. Delhomme, who wasn’t the most talented quarterback in the league but may have been the most unflappable, was unflapped. He led his offense on a quick 81-yard touchdown drive to cut the Patriots’ lead to 21-16 after a missed two-point conversion.

I understand why Carolina coach John Fox went for two, but I wouldn’t have done so. Being down three is obviously better than being down four, but a four-point deficit is much, much better than five. If you’re down four and you score a touchdown, an extra point puts you up by a field goal. If you’re down five and you score a touchdown, you don’t have any choice but to go for two, a decision that fails more often than it succeeds. If you’re sitting there thinking that I’m Monday morning quarterbacking here, I guess I’d say two things: First, it’s Tuesday afternoon. Second, I always hate it when coaches do this, regardless of the result. I’m okay with mad genius types like Chip Kelly giving their players an opportunity to get to the line of scrimmage and make the choice based on what the opposition is giving them. I’m not okay with blind allegiance to the sacred “when to go for two” chart with nearly an entire quarter left in the game.

So with the Patriots up five, Brady responded by driving deep into Panther territory and...throwing an interception. I know, right? I didn’t see it coming either. Very un-Brady. That was the defensive stop Carolina needed. It took less than a minute for Delhomme to take them 90 yards downfield, grabbing a 22-21 lead on an 85-yard completion to Muhsin Muhammad. Remember when I mentioned that if you’re down five and you score a touchdown, you have to go for two, a decision that’s likely to fail? The Panthers did, they did, and they did. Instead of kicking the two extra points and presumably going on top 24-21 midway through the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, they overthought things and it cost them two points.

Those two points didn’t matter - at least not right away - because the Patriots took the ensuing kickoff and burned most of the remaining clock on a clutch touchdown drive to regain the lead, 27-22. After the touchdown, Patriots coach Bill Belichick chose to go for two and succeeded, stretching the lead to seven points, 29-22. Delhomme and the Panthers answered, going 80 yards in 1:43 to tie the game. With 73 seconds left in the clock and Carolina kicking off, it looked like we were going to get the first overtime in Super Bowl history.

And we would have gotten that overtime, if Belichick and Brady weren’t sorcerers or something. They appear to have used their black magic to get Panthers kicker John Kasay, a former first-team All-Pro, to boot the most important kickoff of his life out of bounds. That gave Tom Brady the ball on his own 40. When you give Brady the ball near midfield, with a minute on the clock and three timeouts, needing only to kick a field goal, you’ve pretty much already lost. Brady completed four passes to drive New England to the Carolina 23 yard line with less than ten seconds left on the clock. Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri had already missed two field goals in the game, but he nailed this one to give his team an incredible 32-29 win.

There were 37 points scored in the fourth quarter of a game that went down to the wire. It was fantastic to watch. (Score: 20 out of 20)

Was there any kind of comeback? Was there ever any indication that the team which was trailing had a chance to come from behind and win? (15 points)

Yes to both. It looked for all the world like the game was headed to overtime, where obviously the Panthers would have had every chance to win. Had Carolina pulled off the comeback victory, it would have been (at the time) the biggest deficit ever overcome in a Super Bowl, and that  11-point comeback would have taken place entirely in the fourth quarter and overtime.

But they didn’t. So I can’t give this category a perfect score. (Score: 14 out of 15)

Did the great players come through with great performances? (15 points)

Tom Brady did Tom Brady things, going 32-48 for 354 yards, three touchdowns, and an interception. He led a handful of hugely important scoring drives as the clock wound down in both halves and he pulled out a win throwing the ball downfield in a situation where an awful lot of teams would have played it safe with swing passes, slants and run plays. In essence, he did exactly what you would expect of one of the greatest quarterbacks who has ever walked the earth.

Brady is the only obvious Hall of Famer among the offensive skill position players, but virtually all of the star skill position players showed up to play. Panthers receivers Muhsin Muhammad (4 catches, 140 yards, 1 TD) and Steve Smith (4-80-1) shredded the New England secretary, particularly in the second half. Patriots receivers Troy Brown (8-76-0), Deion Branch (10-143-1), and David Givens (5-69-1) were all consistently dangerous.

The only star-quality player who didn’t have a good game was Panthers running back Stephen Davis. Davis finished seventh in the NFL in 2003 with 1,444 rushing yards, but was kept under lock and key for most of Super Bowl XXXVIII. Apart from the surprise 21-yard draw play that caught everyone in the stadium by surprise at the end of the third quarter, Davis ran for 28 yards on 12 carries. Overall, it was 49 yards on 13 carries. Not a great day for one of the elite backs in the NFL. (Score: 13 out of 15)

Were the teams historically great? (10 points)

The Brady/Belichick Patriots are pretty clearly the team with the longest sustained dominance in modern NFL history. They’ve been one of the top teams in the league without fail for two decades now. Their greatness is incomparable in terms of longevity.

The ‘03 Panthers were...not great. They led the league in nothing and outscored their opponents by just over a point per game. A staggering seven out of their 11 regular wins were by a field goal or less. They were a pretty good team that caught a whole bunch of breaks.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say; the Panthers absolutely deserved to be in the Super Bowl and nearly won the game on their own merits. But when looking at the 2003 season in aggregate, Carolina could easily have been 7-9 or 6-10. They’d have had to be unlucky to have a record like that, but they also had to be extremely lucky to win 11 games and a division title.

Between 1997 and 2007, the Panthers had fewer winning records (2) than head coaches (3). (Score: 8 out of 10)

Were there memorable moments that will be talked about for decades? (10 points)

Like the Super Bowl three years earlier, Adam Vinatieri won it at the finish with a clutch field goal. Vinatieri is unquestionably one of the best kickers of his generation, but those two Super Bowl-winning kicks are the sort of thing that earn a guy a free trip to Canton, Ohio and a complimentary sportcoat.

Pretty much the entire fourth quarter is remembered as one of the greatest ever played in a Super Bowl. It was Hagler-Hearns on a football field, with two evenly matched foes on the day trading haymaker after haymaker in an epic battle. In the fourth quarter alone, the two teams combined for 37 points and 422 total yards. It wasn’t a matter of poor defense, but instead a pair of offenses that were executing perfectly. (Score: 8 out of 10)

How was the quality of play? Were there a lot of penalties, punts, and turnovers? (15 points)

It was one of the best of all time in this category. There were only two total turnovers, the lines blocked well, and both offenses and both defenses went through periods where they looked great. The only two areas where the quality was subpar were penalties (20 total penalties) and two missed field goals by Vinatieri that should have been fairly routine. In Vinatieri’s defense, the turf in Houston wasn’t great and his plant foot wasn’t gripping well. (Score: 13 out of 15)

Are there any other factors that add to the greatness the game? This covers things like weather, story line, rivalry matchup, legacy franchises, unexpected results, etc. (15 points)

Two words: Wardrobe Malfunction. It had nothing to do with football, but the infamous incident in which Justin Timberlake “unintentionally” tore part of Janet Jackson’s clothing off, revealing her breast to a national television audience. This doesn’t make the football game any better or worse, but it did make watching Super Bowl XXXVIII a memorable experience.

As for the game itself, the fact that the Panthers were playing for a championship just two years after going 1-15 was a great story. Not only were they in the Super Bowl, they had qualified for the game with a 28-year-old quarterback who was undrafted coming out of college, started the season as a backup, and had recently been a backup in NFL Europe. Jake Delhomme came out of nowhere to become the face of the NFC champions.

As I mentioned earlier, the Panthers had made a habit of winning tight games during the season, with most of their victories coming in games decided by three points or less. That luck carried into the postseason, with the Panthers blowing an 11-point lead late in the divisional playoff game against the Rams before escaping Missouri with a double overtime win.

It was clear as the game approached that the Patriots were, at the very least, on the verge of a dynasty. This game would go some way towards determining whether New England would be the team of the decade or whether that designation would remain up for grabs. En route to the AFC title, the Patriots won the divisional playoff against Tennessee in one of the coldest games in NFL history before meeting Peyton Manning and the Colts in the first of what would become many Brady vs. Manning playoff games. (Score: 11 out of 15)

How does the game grade overall? (sum of all previous categories, 100 points)

87 out of 100. Super Bowl XXXVIII is tied atop my ratings with Super Bowl XIII, which is appropriate. Sports Illustrated’s Peter King called this the greatest Super Bowl ever played. I’m okay with that description, though I personally can’t separate XXXVIII and XIII. Both were incredible football games.

Ratings and rankings of Super Bowls I-XXXVIII:

T1. Super Bowl XIII - Pittsburgh 35, Dallas 31 - 87 points T1. Super Bowl XXXVIII - New England 32, Carolina 29 - 87 points 3. Super Bowl XXXVI - New England 20, St. Louis 17 - 86 points 4. Super Bowl XXIII - San Francisco 20, Cincinnati 16 - 85 points T5. Super Bowl XXV - New York Giants 20, Buffalo 19 - 84 points T5. Super Bowl XXXIV - St. Louis 23, Tennessee 16 - 84 points 7. Super Bowl X - Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17 - 80 points 8. Super Bowl XXXII - Denver 31, Green Bay 24 - 77 points 9. Super Bowl VII - Miami 14, Washington 7 - 74 points 10. Super Bowl XXX - Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 17 - 69 points T11. Super Bowl IX - Pittsburgh 16, Minnesota 6 - 68 points T11. Super Bowl XXXI - Green Bay 35, New England 21 - 68 points T13. Super Bowl XVII - Washington 27, Miami 17 - 67 points T13. Super Bowl XXVIII - Dallas 30, Buffalo 13 - 67 points 15. Super Bowl XIV - Pittsburgh 31, Los Angeles 19 - 65 points 16. Super Bowl XVI - San Francisco 26, Cincinnati 21 - 62 points 17. Super Bowl XIX - San Francisco 38, Miami 16 - 61 points T18. Super Bowl III - New York Jets 16, Baltimore 7 - 58 points T18. Super Bowl XXII - Washington 42, Denver 10 - 58 points 20. Super Bowl XXI - New York Giants 39, Denver 20 - 57 points 21. Super Bowl XXVII - Dallas 52, Buffalo 17 - 55 points 22. Super Bowl XXXIII - Denver 34, Atlanta 19 - 53 points 23. Super Bowl VI - Dallas 24, Miami 3 - 52 points 24. Super Bowl XX - Chicago 46, New England 10 - 51 points T25. Super Bowl I - Green Bay 35, Kansas City 10 - 50 points T25. Super Bowl XXXVII - Tampa Bay 48, Oakland 21 - 50 points T27. Super Bowl XVIII - Los Angeles Raiders 38, Washington 9 - 49 points T27. Super Bowl XXIV - San Francisco 55, Denver 10 - 49 points 29. Super Bowl XXVI - Washington 37, Buffalo 24 - 48 points 30. Super Bowl VIII - Miami 24, Minnesota 7 - 47 points 31. Super Bowl XV - Oakland 27, Philadelphia 10 - 44 points 32. Super Bowl IV - Kansas City 23, Minnesota 7 - 43 points 33. Super Bowl XXXV - Baltimore 34, New York Giants 7 - 42 points T34. Super Bowl II - Green Bay 33, Oakland 14 - 40 points T34. Super Bowl V - Baltimore 16, Dallas 13 - 40 points 36. Super Bowl XXIX - San Francisco 49, San Diego 26 - 39 points 37. Super Bowl XII - Dallas 27, Denver 10 - 38 points 38. Super Bowl XI - Oakland 32, Minnesota 14 - 35 points