#bi bewildered bad at math

[gravelyhalversobbing]

Watching last night’s episode had us like

@professionalprocrastinator22 @anopenbookunderlockandkey

[stqnleybarber]

MODERN LOSERS CLUB HEADCANONS

(They’re all 16/17)

BILL

- Probably a gamer

- Unironically wears shirts with memes printed on them

- Still wears flannels but she wears them over shirts now because he is “””cool”””

- In a poly relationship with Stan & Richie

- They’re all very in love

- He’s like 6’1

- He’s salty because Stan is taller than him but we been knew

- Buts he’s happy because he’s 17 while Richie and Stan are 16

- He one said “I guess I’m your daddy” to Richie in referral to his age

- But then he realised how weird that sounded

- And just straight up walked away while all the other losers cackled

- Stan still brings it up

- Bill hates that

- Still has a hobby for writing

- But it spawned from writing overwatch fan fiction when he was 13

- It’s cursed as hell

- He studies English though because he still wants to be a writer

- In conclusion he’s a huge dorky meme and we love him

STAN

- He has a pet cockatoo

- Her name is Penny

- She was named that before Pennywise

- Luckily all the losers can laugh about it

- He plays baseball and is on the team

- He is a lot more laid back then he used to be

- He still gets uptight in stressful situations though

- He studies maths because he’s a smartass

- Very much in love with Richie and Bill

- He’s 6’2

- He holds that inch above Bill constantly

- He vibes very well with Mike

- They love to bond over their mutual love for animals

- He’s still sassy constantly

- His dry humour has earned him a lot of TikTok followers

- He’s unsure on how he feels about that

- He has 24.8k

- He thinks it’s not a lot but the other losers are bewildered

- Understandably

RICHIE

- Like fuck would he believe in gender roles

- Skirts and crop tops? Sign Richie up

- Best friends 5 ever with Bev

- Their friendship is so deep and pure no one can compete

- He runs a pretty popular YouTube channel

- It’s extremely chaotic

- The losers also frequently appear on the channel

- Some fan favourites are:

1. Yeah we gay, keep scrolling (Q&A with the loves of my life)

2. Where’s the billie eyelash glue (Richie & Bev try makeup)

3. I’m alfredo of spaghetti (Cooking with Eddie)

4. Lamb.. Why sheep are great (Stan Michael Hanlon)

5. HoUsE (Minecraft with Benny Handsome)

- He is 5’8 and not the slightest bit mad to be the shortest boyfriend

- He thrives off the attention

- Diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6

- His aesthetic is art hoe and he actually dressed pretty normally

- Thank you Bev

- In conclusion; He’s beautiful and we stan

BEV

- Fashion goddess

- She runs a very popular fashion tumblr blog

- She is beauty, she is grace, she will kick you in the face

- About 5’8 but definitely 5’10 in heals

- She’s definitely bi but very in love with Ben

- They’ve been dating for 4 years

- She’s 16 while Ben is 17

- Her crackhead energy is wild

- She’s pretty grudge but with pops of colour throughout

- As I said before

- FASHION GODESS

- She’s too powerful in her platform shoes

- She doesn’t smoke much anymore as she knows it worries Ben to no end

- Heterosexual power couple

- She studies fashion and dreams to become a designer

- But for now she’s happy with her fashion blog

- Let’s not forget she’d sell her soul for her boys any day of the week

- She also lives with her aunt who is lovely and adores all the boys

- Please stan Beverly Marsh

BEN

- Most loveable nerd on the planet

- Has a whole ass library in his bedroom

- Plays Minecraft too much to be humanly possible

- He just loves to build tho

- LET MY MAN BUILD DAMN

- He’s about 6’0

- He’s has a soft boy aesthetic

- The contrast between him and Bev is godly

- He plays on the football team with Mike

- He’s lost a ton of weight

- “Brazilian soccer player”

- He now has girls fawning over him

- But he’s head over heels for Bev and she knows it

- He’s the only straight loser so he constantly squares up to homophobes

- In the words of Richie, again

- “It’s so hot when Ben gets out his big manly muscles and tells Belch to fuck off”

- No matter how tough he looks he is still a huge puffball

- He’s actually pretty popular

- Everyone loves his friendly face

- Ben “Handsome” is pure and deserves the world, send tweet

MIKE

- Also relatively popular

- He’s attractive and friendly what more could you want

- That’s what all the pining girls say

- Too bad his heart belongs to the one and only Eddie Kaspbrak

- A unique, extremely athletic couple

- He’s about 6’2

- The height difference between Mike and Eddie

- Immaculate.

- Yet Mike is still the little spoon sometimes

- The losers have no idea how

- He has a heart of gold

- He’s still a huge history nerd

- Find him on wiki at 2 am reading about the history of the arctic

- That actually happened

- Eddie wasn’t sure how to feel

- Although he’s super friendly

- He has punched many a homophobe

- He loves the losers to much to see them get abuse like that

- Mike Hanlon owns a good 50% of my heart

- As he rightfully should.

EDDIE

- Trackstar Ed’s

- Once he realised all his meds were bullshit he rebelled against his mom

- Which led him straight to running track

- He loves the thrill of winning

- And the feeling of the wind blowing away all this problems

- He’s about 5’6 on a good day

- It’s painful

- He is still very feral and full of rage

- But in the best way possible

- He still reps the red running shorts

- Mike be like: 0//////0

- He’s a grumpy gremlin but he’s also very sweet

- The mixed messages are real

- His long angry rants have gained him quite the twitter following

- He says “okay boomer” too many times to calculate

- Stan has tried

- And failed

- In conclusion: Rabies

[words-are-my-medium]

Post-S2 ST Headcanons

This started out as headcanons I was writing down and then it just got so out of hand it turned into a semi-fic? It’s long and probably not great writing I’m sorry but I wanted to keep track of it here for myself at least so here (please don’t take this as an example of my actual writing quality because I would format this so much better if it wasn’t just a heacanon dump)

El-centric, pre-Byler/Byeler, Byers-Hopper family feels and headcanons galore, (probably overuse of commas galore too), kind-of a fic?

-So El is like… super not into studying. I mean she had a dictionary in her house for almost a year and she didn’t know the word “compromise”; girl’s been watching TV all day and learning words slowly and not entirely accurately through context. After the Snow Ball Hopper starts cracking down–she needs to start school (high school no less) in the fall of ‘85 and she’s got a lot of catching up to do.

-She HATES it, and the Party quickly realizes this, so they try to study with her and help whenever possible. Unfortunately they don’t succeed much: whenever Mike’s over El never wants to study; Lucas gets too impatient with her; Dustin makes a valiant effort to introduce her to the joy of curiosity voyages but it doesn’t work. Max, after being unfairly given the cold shoulder for quite a while, finally becomes friends with El and then becomes a HUGE distraction; El’s only friend who’s a girl (even if she’s not into pretty things like playing with makeup), why study when you can have special girls only friend time?

-So the Party’s pretty stuck, when surprisingly Will steps up and like magic, El tries super hard to be attentive and they start making progress! Mike is pretty sure there is some kind of guilt on El’s part regarding Will that’s contributing, but hey, whatever works. Will is actually a pretty good tutor it turns out, he’s really patient and intuitive, observant to what seems to work and what doesn’t, if not particularly gifted at teaching, and while El will probably never be an amazing student, she starts getting the hang of the basic subjects. (Except math, which she is shockingly good at–Max is convinced that her brain is actually a calculator, but El explains that math was easy because it was so exact: no complicated answers, just right or wrong, not a lot of words to get in the way. She’d quietly admitted to Mike once with a wry smile that numbers just made sense to her.)

-Hopper takes Will out for his birthday because Lonnie sucks and the kid loves his mother obviously and hey, Hopper doesn’t care if he’s sensitive or different or something else, he’s Joyce’s boy and a good kid, but it wouldn’t hurt to spend some time with a positive male figure again after Bob. In early May Joyce and Hopper start… not quite dating but everyone knows it’s just a matter of time. Jonathan and Will have already discussed what it might be like having El for a sister someday. They’re not sure if/when that might become official, but to the brothers she’s already joined their family and they’re both happy. (Jonathan immediately had a fondness for El, she’d saved Will and her “papa” was super shitty too, and his protectiveness and compassion kicked in and he was able to start bonding with her pretty quickly, to his surprise.)

The weekend after the 4th of July they are all hanging out at the cabin, trying to cram in as much as possible as the fall and upcoming school year draw nearer. They’re eating leftover watermelon and Max is teaching them her patented seed-spitting technique, though Will is still helping El finish the part of the lesson they’re on and he loves that he can help, but he wants to kinda hang out too and El realizes this, of course.

El leans in to kiss him on the cheek and thank him because she genuinely appreciates his patience with her so much and she knows it’s taking time away from other stuff he could be doing to tutor her, he’s such a good friend and a sweet person and El is so happy having him in her life, in her family even, but at that exact moment Dustin nails Will in the side of the head with a watermelon seed and Will whips around to face his attacker, and El ends up planting it right on his mouth.

Everyone gasps and freezes and El breathes in sharply and tenses, but Will just kinda sits there wide-eyed for a minute before bursting out laughing. El’s face is a mix of fear and shame and she’s turning red, and everyone else is kind-of hesitantly looking at Mike. He isn’t sure how to react because yeah, his… girlfriend(?) just kissed his oldest friend but it was completely an accident, obviously not intended, and rather than being mad he’s kind of having a sudden anxious realization that wow, okay, that was not something he ever expected to see but uh, it wasn’t… wasn’t bad because El is pretty and Will is cute and he–um, okay yes he did just think Will is cute?! He’s having a violent bi awakening panic attack and omg why is Will laughing this is so awkward Mike’s turning into a tomato to match El why–

“Will, is… are you okay?” Dustin asks carefully, afraid he’s just set into motion a chain of events that made his friend go insane, because Will is practically rolling on the floor by now, and Will manages to stop just enough to gasp “I’m going to have to tell everyone who ever asks for the rest of my life that my first kiss was with my sister,” and Lucas spits his drink out all over Dustin and Max and then there’s an uproar of laughter and yelling and El is apologizing frantically and Will is wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and Mike is just standing there frozen and beet red and kind-of?? more than a little upset that El kinda just stole Will’s first kiss?!

-When everyone finally goes home Will and El stay (because Joyce and Hopper were out somewhere together so she’s picking him up when they get back), and they both kinda sit for a while comfortably in silence until Will knowingly asks if she’s okay and El admits she’s sad because Max explained that apparently first kisses are important and El’s sorry she ruined Will’s. Will assures her instantly she didn’t, it was an accident anyway and then goes quiet for a moment before “I’ll tell you a secret, El, don’t tell anyone else, but I don’t wanna kiss girls anyway, so it doesn’t count, it was only a technical first kiss, my official first kiss has to be with a boy so you didn’t ruin it at all.”

And El is so relieved because she never talks about it to anyone but she knows, knows everything bad that happened to Will is her fault, but now he’s her brother and her friend and she loves him and her new family and though she hates it, the truth is she wouldn’t take it all back, opening the gate, even if she somehow was able to, so she just has to try her hardest to make sure he’s happy and safe from now on.

-This is how Will Byers comes out (because confirming with Jonathan what Jonathan has always kinda known doesn’t count, he’s never had to hide who he is from Jonathan so it’s not “coming out”, he was never “in” when it comes to his brother). El is the perfect person because she doesn’t know how to hate, not for reasons like this; she accepts him immediately and that’s what he’s been so worried about, after everything Lonnie and the kids at school have ever said he’s been too scared to even tell his mother, let alone the boy he likes. And suddenly Will’s crying in her arms and El’s become a sympathetic crier so then they’re both crying and El starts crying harder because maybe she was wrong again and it’s not okay, obviously, if Will’s still sad? And that’s how Hopper and Joyce find them, hugging and crying their eyes out and the adults are so bewildered.

-The Byers get in the car to go home after they finally calm down (and Will assures El everything’s fine several times with hugs), and Joyce doesn’t even have to ask, she just gives him a concerned look and Will looks out the window to hide his face and takes a deep breath before he quietly admits, “I was crying because I told Jane I’m gay and she didn’t bat an eyelash, she just accepted me.”

-Joyce immediately pulls the car over and unbuckles her seat belt and leans over and hugs Will so tight, and he screws his eyes shut so he doesn’t see her face but he can hear her murmur “Sweetie, I have been waiting for you to accept yourself,” and suddenly a weight he didn’t even realize he’d been carrying is gone.

The remainder of the summer Will and El become closer than ever, while Mike strangely becomes frequently absent to Party events. One day in mid-August Mike visits El alone while the others are out seeing Back to the Future for the second time (because Dustin and Lucas started an argument about time travel mechanics after the first time and forced Will and Max to come again while they rewatch for research) and he’s only there 15 minutes before she quietly asks “Are you mad I kissed Will because I’m supposed to kiss you?”

Mike shakes his head furiously like a wet dog and assures her of course he isn’t, it was an accident and he’s over it, it’s been over a month, El, “I practically forgot about it already”, but she just looks at him thoughtfully and then her eyes widen the tiniest bit and she asks again, “Are you mad I kissed Will because you wanted to kiss Will?” and Mike’s face drains of color so fast it’s like he’s in a cartoon.

“What?! No, I–” he starts unconvincingly, his voice raising into a panicked shrillness, but interrupts himself, “Steve told you, didn’t he, or I mean he told Dustin who told you, or something, whatever, somehow it was that douchebag, wasn’t it? I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him, ‘master of romantic advice’ my ass!”

El is very confused but lets Mike rant about Steve Harrington being an untrustworthy jerk for a full five minutes before finally grabbing his hand and shaking her head. “Nobody told me anything. You seemed mad. So if you’re not mad about me then it’s about Will, right?”

And then Mike is very embarrassed because obviously Steve wouldn’t have said anything, he’s practically Dustin’s older brother now, but he can feel the “friends don’t lie” coming so he’s screwed anyway.

“Okay, fine, maybe I might have thought about it a little but… it’s because I think I might like boys too.”

“Like? Like you want to kiss?” El’s mental gears are turning and Mike nods, “Yeah, I still want to kiss girls but maybe boys too, Steve said it’s… that I don’t have to pick only one. Some people like both.” (Bisexual is much too complicated a term and Mike’s still not entirely convinced Steve didn’t make it up.)

-A light bulb goes off in El’s brain and she thinks hard for a minute before she says, “If you want, we don’t have to kiss anymore so you can try to kiss a boy,” and Mike’s eyebrows almost shoot clean off his head, but he looks at her carefully and sees she’s sincere and not upset, and for the first time he sees her solely as the girl she’s become, not the Eleven he first met nearly two years before, so quietly he just says “If that’s what you want, El.”

She nods but then narrows her eyes at him, “You’ll still like me as a friend?” and he smiles warmly and nods, “I’ll always like you as a friend, El, no matter what, even if it’s not the kissing kind of like,” and El’s heart jumps because maybe it is possible, maybe she’s really this lucky, she can keep all the good things she’s gained and still make Will happy too.

“But don’t tell anybody else I like boys, okay El?” Mike adds suddenly, and El nods, a smile creeping onto her face. El keeps her promises and tells nobody anything, but for the few weeks remaining in the summer, she occasionally wears a satisfied little smile, the cause of which even Max can’t get out of her.

-In the fall of ‘85 the kids all start high school, El a little nervous but feeling prepared thanks her friends and family (especially Will), and Will finally confident, at least a little, because he’s accepted himself and he’s got the best family ever and if anyone gives him shit, his future step-dad is the chief of police and his sister can break arms (and worse) with her mind and they all accept him too and love him no matter what. (He’s pretty sure the rest of his friends will too, but he promised himself that he wouldn’t tell them he’s gay until he told Mike first, because Will’s realized that’s been a long time coming and now’s as good a time as any since El told him vaguely about their “breakup”; Will knows he’s single and hasn’t had a chance to develop a crush on anyone else yet. He owes it to his best friend to be honest, and well, if Mike breaks his heart, [which he’s mostly expecting, tbh] Will believes at least he’ll still be his friend, and he’ll move on. Eventually.)

El is so happy when the complete Party meets for the first time in front of the school on the first day, finally all together in the open, and she doesn’t miss how her two closest friends look at each other. This will be a good year, El thinks.

[nerdygaymormon]

My Eulogy

Hi. My name is David. You probably already know that. This is my story. And like all stories, it’s subjective; meaning I chose what to include based on my own feelings and opinions. I’ve had a lot of nicknames: D Diddy, Master D, Double D, D Dog, and Chuck (short for Chuckles). Isn’t it weird that Dave was never my nickname? I guess I should start at the beginning. I was born in Alberta, Canada in November 1970. My parents wed in February of that year…you can do the math. My dad once told me that he and my mom each brought a lot to the marriage, but that’s what it was, two people with their own histories. He said I am the first result of their marriage, the thing which changed them from two people into one unit, a family. I always liked that thought. My earliest memory is when my mom, with tears in her eyes, told me and my sister that Jesus is important to her, wanted us to learn about Him. I also remember her speaking on the phone and saying that our reaction was basically “Yep, we know, we learn about Him at church.” I went to kindergarten in California. I had a teacher named Ms. Berry, but I called her Ms. Strawberry. One day a bunch of dads came and taught us skills. I was so excited my dad was there and showed us how to hammer nails. I still feel comfort and love when I remember laying in the top bunk at night as my dad vacuumed the bedroom, and how he’d look over at me and smile. At the age of 8, I was baptized by my dad in Alabama. My family moved a lot. I don’t really know why. Thinking back on Halloweens, the one candy I always dreaded getting was those peanut butter-flavored sticky candies that come wrapped in orange or black wax paper. Who even likes those? If someone out there does, you gotta be the KING of Halloween candy trading. “Hey, you like these? Here, I’ll trade you them for that mini Snickers and a Blow Pop.” “Okay, fine, I’ll take just the two Hershey kisses. At least I got SOMETHING for them.” I began Junior High in Texas. It was horrible. I knew I liked boys in a way other boys didn’t. I tried to hide that from everyone, even from me. Eighth grade was the worst. I wanted to die. Some of the guys in my gym class caught me sneaking glances at a dude in the shower. That got around the school and I was shamed and harassed. One person was especially hard on me, not just about that, but about everything. I faced him in a wrestling match and was determined to get him back. I dominated, all I needed was for him to bend his elbow and he’d be pinned. I pressed down hard and…Snap! That crack of his bone was loud. He immediately went limp in my arms. I felt sick to my stomach. I really hurt him. I also felt joyful vengeance. I’d been good at wrestling, but I stopped. I didn’t like the monster I saw I could become. So school sucked. And scouting, I hated it, and we did that every Wednesday at church. Like the school day wasn’t already bad enough and then scouts on top of it. Oh, there was one really cool thing that happened related to scouts. In church we had a lesson that the quorum president is the leader, the adults were there to guide but the power rested with us. The quorum president said, “In that case, we’re done with scouting.” He asked if the rest of us sustained. We voted to end scouting! Unfortunately my dad and a few others didn’t take that well and I was forced to go to a different scout program in the stake. One of the bright spots of my Junior High & High School years were piano lessons. I excelled with a teacher who was quick to praise, which helped boost my very bruised self-image. Developing your gifts and talents isn’t selfish, it’s actually a great gift to other people. Another bright spot were my friends. If you’re hearing this and you are a teenager, reach out to the youth around you. No matter how nice the leaders are, they can’t make up for feeling left out by other teens. Trust me. At some point I realized a lot of our culture honors those who stand up against the norms, admires those who live life on their own terms. I made a list of 5 actions, actually non-actions, I would take to make me different. 1) Not go to Prom 2) Not go to Homecoming   3) Not get a driver’s license   4) Not go to graduation   5) No open house when I leave for a mission. I didn’t tell anyone about this list and my poor dad, he would get excited for these things, like Prom, and get me a tuxedo only to be bewildered I wasn’t going. I kept 4 of those 5 stupid, pointless goals. My parents did make me get a driver’s license so they could stop carrying me to 6am seminary class. I didn’t realize until too late, the point of being different is to replace frivolous things with something deeper, better, more meaningful. I loved art class even though my grades were so-so. One day my art teacher asked me to explain the print I made, what was my thinking behind the design. After listening, she said the skills of how to use the different tools and materials can be learned and that my classmates are all better at using them. But I have something they don’t have, something that can’t be taught. Art comes from the head and heart, it requires creativity and a different way of viewing things, of having something to say, a story to share. What I heard was my classmates were all better, I was the worst. Later I understood what she meant. She’d actually given me the greatest compliment of my life. I have something worth sharing, I just need to learn how. After years of crying for God to fix me, to make me normal, I eventually accepted that a homo is what I am. I didn’t choose it, in fact had fought it. I guarded this knowledge, it was dangerous. But owning this is part of me gave me power even as it complicated church and my life. Church is where my friends were and it was okay except when terrible things were taught about people like me. Why do we let harmful words go unchallenged? Hearing bigoted, intolerant words really feels isolating. I know it’s hard to stand out and be different, to rock the boat. But doing nothing, being silent—to the person feeling attacked, it’s not viewed as neutral. Choosing not to speak up is taking sides. Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. Immediately after high school, I got arrested, actually spent time in jail. Shocking, right? I shoplifted a shirt. That’s sort of a harsh punishment, don’t you think? Fortunately a plea deal was made and I avoided a criminal record. I’ve paid this forward, twice I’ve agreed for charges against a young adult to be dropped so they could have a second chance at a clean record. When my bishop called me in to talk about preparing for a mission, I went home and prayed hard. I asked if God loves me, loves me for who I am, all that I am. Warmth radiated across my body. I knew with certainty that I’m loved and I am not broken. Serving a mission in Korea is one of the great adventures of my life. I learned so much about myself. I rose to the challenge. I worked hard and made some life-long friends. Weekly service at orphanages really buoyed me, I loved playing with those kids. While I was in Korea, at a branch conference, the members voted to not sustain their branch presidency. In other words, they voted out their branch leaders! I didn’t even know that was possible. I mean, yes, we get to vote, but it’s always more of a formality. I hadn’t realized we have power. The name of our church indicates this is the case. It’s the church of Jesus Christ AND it’s the church of the latter-day Saints. In brief, here is the top highlight of my mission. I met a man at a bus stop. I was going to give him a Book of Mormon, but a voice in my ear very clearly whispered not to. Twice that happened. The third time I was reaching to get a book out of my bag to give to him despite that voice. My arm froze and the voice said if I gave him the book, the consequences would be on my head. Message received loud and clear, no book given away that night. He eventually got baptized, and I was still in Korea a year later when he got married. Receiving the phone call from him that he was being sealed to a wife in the temple was the happiest day of my mission. Hearing that voice in my ear would happen again and again over the years. Not very often, but always significant. I’ll include a few more examples. Next I was off to college, which I loved! In January 1993 I arrived in Idaho to attend Ricks College (now it’s called BYU-Idaho). I’ve never been so cold my entire life. If I walked outside with wet hair, it’d freeze! My first roommate was soooo handsome. The girls called him “Ken” because he reminded them of Barbie’s boyfriend. We became great friends. I had a crush on him. At the end of the semester he told me he’s bi and our relationship changed. I was willing to leave behind church and family to be with him. He decided his life would be easier if he pursued a relationship with a woman and so left me behind in Idaho. After “Ken,” my next roommate was Futoshi from Japan. He became my best friend. Many years later I attended his wedding in Japan. In fact, our tradition is to send each other a package of Halloween treats (and no, I’ve never sent him those terrible black-and-orange wrapped candies). I was walking down the sidewalk at Ricks College and a voice in my ear whispered I should call Memo from Mexico to be my 1st counselor in the elders quorum presidency. “Yes,” I thought to myself, “he’s an excellent choice.” Wait. What?!! MY counselor? That night I got a phone call, I was the new Elders Quorum president. Half the ward was in my quorum (the other half were women). I visited with each person in the quorum every month. I liked them. I knew them all. Ah, Rexburg, home of BYU-Idaho. Does anyone know if they ever renamed Beaver Dick Park? So many unfortunate (or fortunate, if you know what I mean) double entendres. After Ricks, on I went to BYU in Utah. Futoshi came, too. I wanted to date and kiss and all the things my friends did, except with men, and that was explicitly banned by the Honor Code, even things like holding someone’s hand was out of bounds. I feared the Honor Code Office, they sometimes ran undercover stings trying to catch gay students. While in Provo, I had a faith crisis. Being in the heart of Mormondom, I had access to information that showed a different sort of story than I’d been taught in Sunday School, like the way Joseph Smith translated the gold plates. What to do with this messy history? How do I fit into the Plan of Salvation? Retaining faith, in many ways, is a choice to accept the complexity, to give up black & white for nuance. As for me, I hold on to the times I’ve seen God’s love, mercy, and justness come through the lives of flawed individuals who learn to measure up and do profound things. While a student at BYU, I got a job at the Missionary Training Center (MTC) teaching Korean to missionaries. I loved it. That place is a spiritual powerhouse and I was able to plug in every day. And I was there when my brother came to the MTC as a new missionary. I was able to eat lunch with him every week. And what’s funny is the missionaries I was teaching knew he was my brother and every morning would give me a report on what they’d seen him doing. So at Friday lunch I was always able to say things like: “Elder, I hear you were throwing snowballs.” He’d always respond “How can you possibly know that?” “The Lord sees all, Elder.”  Working at the MTC meant, like the two years of my mission, I was back to wearing a white shirt nearly every day. When I stopped working there, I threw away all my white shirts and never looked back. Wearing colorful shirts in this church is unusual for men. It was a way to mark myself as different; a way to show my experience and journey is not the same as those around me. When someone at the podium looks out and sees a purple shirt, I want them to think, “Oh, there’s David.” Yes, see me, notice me! I matter, I belong. Please see I’m doing my best and even if I am different, I am here. I have 6 brothers and sisters. They married and had babies. Those nieces and nephews are the greatest blessings in my life. I thought I’d be a good dad, but I am gay and marriage equality didn’t come until too late. So I was the best uncle, involved in their lives, making sure they know they’re loved. One thing I like about kids is they ask really personal and fundamental questions. “What’s your favorite color?” Mine is yellow. Isn’t it a lovely color, so warm and inviting. All the different shades from cream and pastel to golden or bright sunshine, yellow is beautiful. Learning to play the piano, speak a language, ride a skateboard, drive a stick-shift car, ride a bike, hit a ball or most any other skill will require mistakes, thousands of them, maybe even hundreds of thousands. It can be embarrassing. Give yourself credit for trying. Attempting something that is challenging is what you should take pride in, not ashamed that I didn’t do it perfectly the first time, or every time. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in church all these years. That’s not true. But it is complicated and this doesn’t seem to be the time to get into it, I’m trying to tell my story. The anti-gay restrictions are strict and do a number on a person’s mental health. I wish my church and my orientation were more compatible. I don’t think God finds them incompatible. In fact, He loves me in a way my church is only just learning to do. I’ve spent more of my adult years in Primary (what we call junior Sunday School) than anywhere else. They even got me to serve as an assistant scoutmaster over the 11-year-old patrol. I couldn’t believe of all the things, it had to be scouts. I was determined that it was going to be fun for those scouts even as we were being productive, not how I experienced it. Those scouts were a joy to be with. One of them often said things like, “Knives? They NEVER let us play with knives in cub scouts.” “Hey, if I see you playing with it, game over. These are tools, not toys.” At the end of the day, I’m my longest commitment, it’s only proper that I make myself a priority. I went back to school and earned a Master’s degree from the University of Florida (Go Gators!). That was hard work.   That degree helped me land a job at a university. I love working in an environment that is open and accepting. I also really appreciate knowing my efforts are going towards the university’s mission of gathering, applying and disseminating knowledge. And it’s fun to work somewhere with a fight song and a mascot, I recommend it. When my grandma died, I played a piano piece at the funeral. Afterwards a lady came up and thanked me for all the years I spent practicing, sitting there alone at a piano when I could’ve been doing something more fun. What an unusual compliment, she put thought into it, and I appreciated the recognition that playing on that day didn’t just happen. That’s how life is, you’re preparing now for things you don’t even know are on your horizon. Try to be the best you can be. My favorite hero of fiction is TRUTH. I just think a great novel contains life’s important lessons and meaning wrapped in entertaining adventures and mysteries. Harry Potter & Huckleberry Finn not only transport us to another place, but leave us with deeper understandings. I love Harry Potter. Those books and movies teach so many important life lessons, some in a straightforward way and others you have to think about. Here’s a for instance, we learn that the thing Neville fears most is Professor Snape. This kid went to class for years with that professor. No wonder the Sorting Hat put him in Gryffindor; he was one of the bravest characters. Aren’t we all brave in this way, at least sometimes? I was asked to be a counselor in the stake young men presidency. I turned them down. It took two hours of convincing before I agreed to give it a try. I said they had the wrong guy and in six months when they recognized it, they could release me, no hard feelings. I couldn’t imagine that I’d have anything to offer. Turns out it was the right calling for me. I feel like I blossomed. I was no longer just existing, merely surviving in this church. At one point, a voice whispered in my ear that I was going to be stake young men president and I am an unusual choice and would only serve a short time.  I knew by “unusual” that meant because I’m gay. I started thinking of how I’d do things differently if I were in charge. Six months later I became president and I had a plan and hit the ground running. One way I was a different kind of Stake Young Men President is I applied my experience from when I was an Elders Quorum President all those years ago, of how I used to talk with everyone each month. As stake young men president, I visited every ward at least monthly, usually twice a month. This meant every month I had contact with nearly every young man in the stake, and many of the young women, too. It was a pleasure to work with the ward young men presidents, bishops put top-shelf people in those positions. I really liked getting to know the youth. I tried to be protective of teens who struggle. I want them to know they are seen, they are loved, and there is hope. Turns out a short time was exactly one year. I was very sad to be released, my church life had found meaning. When my stake president told me “with every calling comes a release,” I blurted out, “But I just bought a Chewbacca shirt for the Star Wars dance!” “Well, wear it on casual Friday,” was his response. I was asked to be the secretary to the stake president. It’s a lot of work, definitely not a favorite calling; I’d rather be back in Primary. He said many people could make appointments, but he wanted me to be stake executive secretary so my viewpoint is present in all the top councils of the stake. I attend stake presidency meeting and some of those meetings go on and on. “Dear Lord, as we begin this meeting, please help us not to be bored. And for them to keep their stories to a minimum so we can get out of here at a decent hour.” I’ve thought about praying for those things, although never was brave enough to actually do it. One night it was late, and the stake president asked who can say a short prayer. My hand shot up so fast! Early one chilly Florida morning, I was grumbling about how cold the steering wheel was as I’m in the McDonald’s drive-thru lane. I saw a man walk out the side door, past my car, to the homeless man sitting directly ahead of me. The homeless guy had no blanket or hat, just a sweatshirt for warmth. His reaction at receiving a cup of hot coffee and a warm sandwich really touched me. I was ashamed. Why wasn’t I more like that guy? I talk a good game, but true religion requires action. The world needs more Christ-like love like that. Sometimes I wonder if the things I hear at church align with the God I know. Does it fit with the two great commandments to love God and to love one another? I try to focus on the love, that is God’s primary attribute and the one I try to emulate. If your heart ever tells you that something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. Over the years, if I’d read a story or seen a video about someone who is gay & LDS (or even formerly LDS), I sometimes tried contacting them. I never got a response. I have a blog where I write about being gay & Mormon. I wrote about an experience I had when I got to meet a church leader, Elder Joaquin Costa of the Seventy. The whispering voice prompted me to tell him I’m gay and he showed me a great deal of love. That blog post went viral. If you want to see it, do a search for “Nerdy Gay Mormon”. Because of my viral blog post, I was contacted by many people, hundreds of them. And I responded. It’s been incredibly rewarding. For the first time I had actual friends who are LGBTQ+ and LDS. I think if the teenage me who contemplated suicide could see how my life developed, he’d be surprised at how much better the future turned out. A job I like, the favorite uncle of 14, I am well liked across my stake and make a positive contribution. I’ve lived through a difficult but special time to be gay in the Church as it’s been transforming. Wanna hear something funny, one time at church my little nephew said, “I’m hungry. How much longer to the snackrament?” Life doesn’t wait until we’re perfectly prepared and feel totally up for what’s ahead of us. In fact, life is messy. It’s not been an easy path, but it’s been MY path. Being gay in a time of unacceptance helped me gain empathy for others. I’ve tried to be a good and kind person. Living within the restrictions placed on me by my church; it’s been difficult. I’ve tried to make a mark on the world. My one great regret in life is not having children. Even so, Primary teachers and scout leaders are important to children. I may not be the main gardener in anyone else’s life, but I nurture and water others. There’d be some pretty meager gardens without people like me. If you’re hearing this and are queer, I have a message for you. Being gay or trans or whatever is not a sin, it is not the result of a lack of faith, it is not a punishment. God created you and me as glorious, eternal beings. I am a son of God. I am gay. I am known and loved by Him. He is rooting for me. If the choice comes down to suicide or your church, choose to live. Protect your mental health by taking a break from religion. God created you. You determine if this will be a blessing or a curse in your life. Enjoy it. And to everyone, be kinder and gentler. Leave the enforcing of church boundaries, of judging, up to the bishop. Don’t tell a kid that he shouldn’t be wearing that or commenting that “someone” smells of cigarettes. If this is God’s church, then there should be room for all His children, all should feel welcome. Mormons have a way of obsessing over details that don’t matter. I wish we spent more time obsessing on how to love. That’s it! It feels like this story needs an ending, a concluding sentence, something snappy. I hope I have time to think of a good one.