#bitch i dont even have my gender in my bio

[synonymroll648]

IF LORE UPDATES APPLIED TO PEOPLE I WOULDVE JUST GOTTEN ONE OF MY HAPPIEST LORE UPDATES TODAY

[aprilmayverse]

mayverse dash simulator 2 but this time its if they had a fandom

💀 winered Follow "we need more complex mentally ill female characters" you people couldnt even handle june july.

💄 october-november Follow why are we all acting as if april was in the wrong for not wanting to traumadump on a literal child?

👠 pinkbitchnamedbreakfast Follow she literally did not tell her anything

💄 october-november Follow did she not tell her about the poisioning.

👠 pinkbitchnamedbreakfast Follow yeah, nearly half a decade after it happened

💄 october-november Follow well was she just supposed to tell her as soon as it happened? june was like 8 or 9 at the time

👠 pinkbitchnamedbreakfast Follow i'm just saying it's fucked up of her

🌺 ithinkihauvejaundice Follow june and dys did nothing wrong. "what about the murders" god forbid a couple middle school girls have some sleepover fun. those people deserved it anyway

⛅️ evil-wifeguy-lesbian Follow june july was the realest bitch out there because if MY girlfriend needed someone dead i would do it in an instant

☀️ peacenloveonplanetsapphic Follow i don't want you to murder people for me dearest we've been over this i don't need anyone dead

🍂 littlejester Follow

🌎 thefuckingwizard Follow "february march gaslight gatekeep girlboss" this and that. wheres my february cringefailgirl truthers

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow i think that if i lost a bad bitch to an arranged marriage i would do what dinah did too

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow i think i hauve a mental illness

🐬 celerytheworld Follow was it casual when you promised we were going to get married as kids, were my first kiss, told me you'd be in love with me and marry me and take me on dates if one of us was the opposite gender, told me you'd love me more than your husband if we ever got married, told me you'd rather hang out with me then get married to a man, told me i'd look beautiful in a wedding dress, and then killed yourself?

🧑 normal-guy Follow op are you ok

🐬 celerytheworld Follow

🩸 murderenjoyer Follow inherent homoeroticism of killing someone together

👻 yaoifreak Follow pascal may x mr thorgett. old man yaoi anyone

🧢 whitemormonwasted Follow when i said pascal may did 9/11 this isnt what i meant

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow june july is a vriska

🧣 februarymarches Follow christly shippers dont fucking interact with me! for obvious reasons! theres a four year gap there!

🌎 thefuckingwizard Follow i dont ship them but like...op how many years do you think are in between 15 and 17?

🧣 februarymarches Follow it's an eighth grader and a senior yall disgust me. four year age gap. proshitters dni is already in my bio, stop shipping a literal child with a high school senior

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow 15 is not a "literal child" op

🧣 februarymarches Follow >14 in bio

⭐️ stars-discourse-sideblog Follow you're both wrong it's three years

🔥 sometimesthorgett Follow 9/11 MENTIONED

👻 yaoifreak Follow christly are both straight men anyway. if u want yaoi try pascal x thorgett

🧢 whitemormonwasted Follow those are two different characters + pascal had a wife

👻 yaoifreak Follow https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow 2001 and 1999 were two years apart i don't think they taught anyone on this site to read

👻 yaoifreak Follow READ?

🪼 dysapppointment Follow just saw june july's ilb design and holy shit not to be a lesbian but

🍋 thosedamnlemonstealingwhores Follow username checks out

🎱 tragedyenjoyer Follow ogigugh calendar siblings december sisters badmann siblings shiz siblings collins siblings what if i Died

🧣 februarymarches Follow just so you guys know op is a dacarol shipper. don't reblog from them.

🎱 tragedyenjoyer Follow i have bad news about the creators of the thing you're a fan of

🍂 littlejester Follow trudy cryme more like tru-deez nuts gottem

🛍️ poetrynjoyer Follow mayverse is so interesting bc you have beautiful heartfelt writing about love and loss and hope and family and friendship and romance and tragedy and loving despite with such complex women and you also have shit like "monk clickbaiter fraggot" and "9/11 porn games on steam" and whatevers going on at jms

🧲 whysoyurious Follow MAYVERSE HIT 100K F/F FICS ON AO3 WHO CHEERED

🎀 apricotmayonaise Follow making a list of who could and couldntve possibly done 9/11 in the mayverse, is doing 9/11 a sin in dana's cult?

🐝 incoherentbee Follow

YES?!??!?!?!?

[pineappleparfaitie]

Regarding recent events

Alright im in a better mental state so i want to clear some things up

1. My "callout" posts ir whatever the fuck  had sfw vore community tags on it I never should have  put on there . Im genuinely sorry to everyone ive hurt with that decision for causing anything triggering or anything along those lines. I was 100% in the wrong and i may have even caused some people to do bad stuff to themselves. I am sorry.I am so sorry.

2.I am in contact with someone trying to clear this up, i saw this person make a post trying to prove i sentthrm BOMB threats. I want a vide recording of this proof sent to me as this is a) a lie on the part of their friend b) i have hd to provide video evidence so i believe it's only fair. If this person is reading this I want your friend to record them doing that as i feel its the best way for us to see the truth.

3.I am most likely leaving the community due to this. Never in my 16 and a half years that I have walked this planet have i been called a neo-n@zi, have i been called a straight up nazi, have i bee called scum and have i had someone so publicly wish harm upon me. I have been threw hell in the last 12+ hours ,i havent slept, my heart aches and I am unable to breath normally.My menstrual cycle wil probably be late due to stress alone even though i should have gotten it a few days ago.

I have RUINED,TAINTED and DESTROYEE discourse around this topic in the community and im so sorry.Im sorry people will wat to speak up on this and fewr theyll be a moron like me.Im sorry people will look at me and never want to bring this issue up because they dont want to end up like me-pathetic and unable to talk without bring so confusing people cant even understand what Im saying.So bad at emphasazing a point I have peple thinking im a nazi or even nazj SYMPATHISER God forbid.

Im sorry to anyone and everyone ive hurt , to anyone and everyone who saw my posts and felt hurt because they had every right to be.

Im so sorry.Im sorry.

4.

This mext bit is directed at this individual.

Read if you wish but if I see or hear people sending threats to this person,sending insults,sending death threats or anything under thr Sun along those lines you are DIRT to me.

.

.

. Im sorry. I have tried apologising where I went wrong. I apologised to you when we cut ties and I reiterated stuff wasnt your fault. You have called me names,misgendered me ,claimed it wasnt a gendered term and later said you thought jt said she/her in my bio when it wasone of the first things on my blog.But i can forgive that. It makes me salty but its a simple mistake .

However

Im sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you think id even IMAGINE makin bomb threats to you, had you told me to the extent these people were going I would have tried tracking them down myself.  I thought all they did was call you a Zio which I dont even believe you to be. Im sorry if you ever felt belittled ,hurt  ect and weather or not anything comes to light You have the right to FEEL hurt. To FEEL that i wronged you in every way. No one should insult your feelings over this tyoe of stuff. But all I ask is a GRAIN,  not even an ounce, a GRAIN of sympathy after being told to get hit by a train ,then publicly being called a nazi with no proof. The things you listed by definition wouldnt make me a nzi. You have misinterpreted and misunderstood my words and I am SORRY I couldnt be more understanble and word myself better.it was MY FAULT. not you It was ME But I have never insulted you ,called you what you have called me, called you a bitch ,said you were yapping whe you wanted to disprove anything,  gave you desth threats. I am angry amd I am devestated but I will never even call you a zionist. The only issue I ever had after we cut dtuff off was you calling me a neo nazi publicly via vauge post. You could have hated my GUTS and it wouldn't have bothered me cause you have the right to feel hurt

Please. Send me video evidence. Because you andyour friend are making me out to be a antisemitic nazi monster who sends bomb and starvation threats to random 16 year old online. Im the same age as you. I am leaving a community i adored because of this if not 100% then considering I hope you can be happy when or if im gone.Maybe it would bring you closure cause you said everyone agrees im wrong. I may have misread your words here - but I believe you said it would be better if i left. The post isfone now tough.

Im not claiming you did i may have misremembered. But if so I hope you can finnaly get closure and be happy when im gone.

I hope you can finnaly be happy .All i ask is ehen I leave to not do this to anyone else. You have destroyedme from the inside out.

Im sorry I wasnt better , im sorry i made you feel like shit, im sorry me not thinking may have or HAS caused you mental or even physical pain.

Im sorry. Im not asking for forgiveness, because no one decides that but you. Amd you habe every right to not even think about it

I want you to know Im sorry

-Pine

[redditreceipts]

You have no idea how grateful i am for your blog. Its eye opening and i no longer feel like a hysterical bitch for worrying about what some trans movements (and im talking about those that want to police cis womens bodies too, not only theirs) was doing to feminism for past years.

Don't get me wrong... i think its fine when they do what makes them happy as long as they dont hurt other people. But more and more it feels like trans women want to dominate female spaces. And honestly, no matter how hard i try, i cant stop thinking thats its just male need to be always in the centre of attention. They come to us and instead of finding companionship and trying to fit in... they bring they own idea what a "woman" is and try to force it on every woman. Ones they dont agree with them they dubbed terfs and think that end of discussion. Another example of male entitlement if you ask me.

Im tired of bending backwards to appease them and once again ignoring womens issues as not to hurt trans womens feelings. Shouldn't they too be more empathetic towards cis women? Shouldn't they feel camaraderie with us? I'm yet to find trans woman who fights for feminist issues that dont concern her (i.e reproductive rights applicable only to bio women) with such ferocity cis women who are TRA fight for her right to be called a "woman". I'd want to be proven otherwise but more and more it seems like we're being talked over by men and male socialised people.

Sorry this came out long and probably makes no sense, but i feel like such a failure as a queer person to think like that. Maybe i am. But as a woman im tired of being silenced all over again. Now by the very people that claim sisterhood to me. But it feels like I'm the only one expected to hold my part of the bargain, they are exempt for some mysterious reasons. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted and honestly losing hope that my problems as a biological woman will ever be taken seriously.

Hey :)

I feel you in how difficult it can be to not feel like you have any people who see the same things you do. I also felt alone for so long because I had this nagging feeling about certain things, but most of the people I could find who were worried about the trans movement were conservative. 

And I also get what it feels like to force yourself into cognitive dissonance. It’s hard to try and convince yourself of things that are so blatantly untrue, and in the end, it doesn’t work. at least not if you’re a same-sex attracted woman who is a lot in LGBT spaces and can’t just “ignore” these things.

And I guess that there are some trans women who genuinely care about women’s issues, the thing is that they are not heard or uplifted because at some point they have to admit that women and trans women are different categories, and the trans activists can’t have that. So every discussion can not be about material issues, but it has to be about the use of language and pseudo-philosophical debates. Because if you look at material reality, you notice that cis women and trans women are not just different types of women, but different sexes altogether (even though trans women sometimes live their lives as though they were female and experience discrimination because of that as well). 

But most male-to-female trans activists are displaying such apparently male behaviour (sexualisation of women, talking over women, not taking women seriously, etc.) that you’d ask yourself why they don’t get dysphoria from that? I mean if I were a male who wanted to be a female, I’d at least try to appear female in some capacity lmao. I sometimes ask myself whether these people actually feel gender dysphoria or whether they have some other mental health problem that has nothing to do with being transgender. 

But you’re not a failure as a queer person. Actually, I don’t think it’s productive to use that term because being “queer” is some nebulous concept whose creation had only the goal to confuse and obscure the “oppression” of biological sex and material reality. Even a kinky straight guy is queer, a straight woman who gets off on reading Yaoi is queer, and by a strict application of the term “queer” as “people who don’t conform to cultural norms around gender and/or sexuality”, even paedophiles are queer. That’s not to say that trans activists use it that way, but the definition leaves space for all kinds of unethical paraphilias. Being queer is not an oppressed class. What is an oppressed class is being a woman, being same-sex attracted, being gender non-conforming, etc. 

You don’t owe the “queer community” anything. You owe it to people who suffer under systems of oppression like racism, capitalism, homophobia etc. to advocate for their rights and treat them as equals. You don’t owe it to some straight guy who watched too much lesbian porn to advocate for his rights. Literally nobody is oppressing him. 

I actually think that at some point, women will realise their shared interests and stand up for themselves. My only fear is that to come to that point, we will go through some sort of conservative “Dark Ages”, but maybe we can do something to prevent that by showing a third way to analyse gender on the basis of material reality. It’s cool that you’re interested in that as well :) 

[askamnesiamoonjumper]

part two of this:

🎆mjs-hideout Follow

everyone say hello at my bushcat :) her name is Maple.

🎆mjs-hideout Follow

Thank you for all the kind replies! ^^ to celebrate I’m letting Maple share some words of wisdom:

6)nvd .,c-%@#0”sxmlkp. d

Truly inspiring.

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🩻 thesnatcher Follow

you all should send my sister anonymous hate it would be funny

🩻 thesnatcher Follow

NOT ME YOU FOOLS

#MY PLAN IS BACKFIRING

5045 notes

⌛️ahatintimekeeper Follow

I dont think that snatcher realizes that people just pecking hate him

#hatchat

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🌠corgiquest5fan Follow

YOOOO CHAT I GOT SO MUCH CORGI MERCH FROM THE SHOPS IN NYAKUZA TODAY ILL POST IT L8TER BUT THIS IS SO RAD HOLY SHIT DUDE IM SO EXCITED!!1!

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anonymous asked: Um you do realize putting “Domesticated the Snatcher” in your bio is hella creepy right? Like it’s weird as fuck to dehumanize an already demonized species like ghosts are people too. You’re already disrespecting the dead with that but it’s especially weird seeing as he’s literally an actual murderer on top of that? Like taking away the ghost thing that’s even creepy to say about a fucking serial killer as well. Like. What the fuck man. Actually what is wrong with you??

🌷identifying-flowers-in-posts Follow

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🐇 bunnything-official Follow

“what’s your gender” ermmmm im silly?

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🎆mjs-hideout Follow

Godssss if I have to see one more post about the lost prince of subcon I’m going to break the moon again /j

🎆mjs-hideout Follow

like not just posts talking about him but ones that are just blatantly wrong or infactual but I can’t be too mad because no one knows what really happened hardly but STILL. thank stars I killed him by transitioning but STOP PUTTING HISTORY ARTICLES ABOUT HIM ON MY DASH!! PLEASE!!!!

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Anonymous asked: WAIT WHAT?????? Amy did you???? Know the lost Prince of Subcon?????? Also what’s the context of the transition thing? What????

🎆mjs-hideout Follow

go talk to @ thesnatcher about it because I don’t care about that guy anymore (referring to the prince, not snatcher, love u ^^🩵❤️(i want to trap him in the horizon sometimes))

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anonymous asked: YOUR SISTER IS THE FUCKING SUBCON PRINCE WHAT THE FUCK???????????????????????

🩻 thesnatcher Follow

oh gods what happened why are we talking about this GET OUT OF MY ASKS.

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anonymous asked: Amy why did you say to talk to your brother and not you?????

🎆mjs-hideout Follow

…because he’s the prince too…? I thought everyone knew this??

🩻 thesnatcher Follow

MOON YOU DID NOT JUST OUT ME TO ALL YOUR FOLLOWERS WHAT THE HELL

🎆mjs-hideout Follow

WHAT HUH I THOUGHT THAT WAS A KNOWN FACT? IS IT NOT? 9045 notes

🏞️ doyoulovethecoloroftheskyline Follow

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🐇bunnything-official Follow

STOPPPP MY BOSSES DO NOT WANT ME TO HELP THEM MAKE A HORROR DOCUMENTARY ABOUT SNATCHER OH MY CLOTHHHHHHHH BYEEEEEEE

anyway happy day for subcon history fans i guess :p, so sad no one knows i was the one who cracked moonies egg but wat ever *kicks rock and walks away with head lowered + tail dragging behind meoh stitch i just reread the top half of the post for a microsecond i lived in a world where my bosses didnt pitch that idea to me it was so beautiful

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💠 Jermeow Follow

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🎆mjs-hideout Follow

shady-sunburntdeactivated03122017 is both my best friend (wrote pretty accurate books on subcon history and spirits :)) and my worst enemy (wrote books on subcon history ft my deadname being everywhere in it)(I mean I suppose it is also my brothers name but it’s NOT MINE OK he can keep it)

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🌷identifying-flowers-in-posts Follow

Sorry we made your queer platonic ghost partner match with me. Yeah he took on my flower motifs and I took on his thorn motifs. Yeah we match to show our relationship. He’s chilled out now he’s not evil anymore but he’s still a massive bitch. Yeah. Yeah he’s biace too. Yeah, sorry. #about thorns #subconsnatcher

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[kill0mtr]

🎲 ggyoufreaks 🔁 the-hatman Follow

👒 the-hatman Follow

do you ever just think about where we would be without gifts. like i KNOW there are some people out there without gifts- im not saying that being ungifted is a bad thing!!!! im just saying that without gifts, this world would be way different. detective work would be a bit harder yknow?? ada has it good imo

👤 thegaythoughts-1-deactivated1206 Follow

What, so everyone should have a gift? You want everyone undeserving of one to have one? Shame on you, Tsuki.

👒 the-hatman Follow

okay so not only did you not read the fucking post you also used my friends-only nickname. wtf dude. like yeah its in my bio and carrd and everything but STILL. and even no honorific. for shame

the fact that you didnt even understand the post makes me wonder if its worth even being offended by a literal stranger calling me a term of endearment only my friends call me (once again NO HONORIFIC) fuck you dude. i dont think you deserve that username either it does NOT suit your personality

👤 thegaythoughts-1-deactivated1206 Follow

So now you're insulting my username? And I very much did understand the post. You think that the ungifted are lesser than those that have gifts, don't you?

🧶 11yearsforthis Follow

the reading comprehension on this website is abhorrent

👒 the-hatman Follow

oh hey yuu-chan my bestest friend ever. can you believe this shit

👤 thegaythoughts-1-deactivated1206 Follow

I'm sorry, but what does the ADA have to do with this post? And ignoring me isn't helping your case.

👒 the-hatman Follow

dude chill. and uh. you def didnt read the post lmaooo i mentioned them at the end.

🧶 11yearsforthis Follow

do you think any of the detectives have to deal with this. like we see them all the time on TV solving cases and literally almost dying just for the police to like... be assholes. i feel like me and ranpo-san could be linked in this moment

👤 thegaythoughts-1-deactivated1206 Follow

Ranpo-sama is not at all on your level. You are the dirt beneath his boots. Everyone would be lucky to even be in the same city as him.

👒 the-hatman Follow

okaaaaay i see where this is going,,, man ranpo-san is just a guy. yeah sure hes like, the greatest detective or whatever but hes not a GOD. also get away from my best friend bitch

👒 the-hatman Follow

FUCKER DEACTIVATED!!! IN LESS THAN A DAY HOLY SHIT. anyways everyone ever is Just A Guy (gender-neutral) and we should all just respect each other. lol :P

#thank god thats over #op i agree. everyone IS just some guy #worshipping someone you dont even know....parasocial #and while ranpo-san IS very cool #hes doesnt know most of us exist.... #unless of course hes ON tumblr #but i dont ... See all

105 notes ⟳ 💬 🔁 ♡

[insomiavent]

Hello insomnia

Hello insomnia

And hello people reading

Im not really expecting much attention on this but it would be cool if it did i just wanted to have a place to vent anonymously on a platform in sorta used to. 

To be honest im surprised that tumbler has lived for so long but then again people are sucker for this kinda stuff i guess 

As of writing this its 2 days before i become a sophomore in high school, I want to buy a pink vest because my sister wont let me barrow her’s despite never wearing it. Im currently listing to Achilles come down by gang of youth from the album go farther in lightness. My boyfriend isn’t responding to any of calls or texts so i out on a timer to see how long it will take for him to respond my girlfriend is sound asleep. I am polyamors and i am gender fluid so use any pronouns. 

Im the middle child of three i have a older sister who’s judgmental and a bitch she didn’t used to this way she graduated from high school but wasn’t able to because of a bitchy teacher being to slow to grade things shes a picky eater and always has to have a say in what ever i do shes gonna be a horrible roommate cuz she cant even keep up with simple chores and has to be reminded to throw away razors after collecting rust over 3 times back to back. Is this really the person i should be looking up to? I don’t know i don’t want to shes load and obnoxious and is bitchy if you wake her up a little to early. She has a job but cant even fucking drive so my ma has to drive her i kinda hate her right now we got McDonalds today and i told her that i was gonna finish her drink cuz i didnt get one and she made it appernt that she heard but later was surprised that i actually did and got bitchy about it saying that she expected me to leave some and later said “Thats why i dont get you stuff” like excuse me? Ma paid for this shit and last i checked you cant fucking drive so shut the fuck up 

I have a little sister shes 8 months old and is a cutie but is very much a druma queen shes gonna be a child of god aka she is going to get baptized i love her im nervous if she does end up looking up to me but my boyfriend says not to worry cuz “The world needs more people like you” so ill try and not to worry 

My mother 

i have mixed feeling about her shes doing her best 

thats what i can mostly say 

She was a teen mom 

14 she had my sister 16 she had me its very obvious that me and my sister were mistakes and thanks to that i have lots of issues but its not her fault she has gotten better threw the years ans is loving but can get annoyed shes overwhelmed with the birth of the baby so im trying my best to help her around the house and she knows im gay and dosent really care but asks me to keep from her husband 

so lets talk about him i have a history with grooming and well sexual assault i spoke out about it around the 6th grade but nothing much happened because the man who did it was my mothers boyfriend he had let himself into the bathroom during my showers and touched me and made me do things i didn't want to do like touch him and i had known him for most of my life because my bio father had been deported so yea back to the boyfriend he gaslighted me into thinking it was a misunderstanding so nothing happened that being said they broke up because of his lack of free time this lead me to go into a depressive state and i almost overdosed 

Now to the husband 

hes creepy sometimes 

like just the way he acts the other day i was laughing cix of my girlfriend and he started just being weird he patted my head  and like jabbed his hand into the back of my neck it was creepy and like he walks around shirtless 

this is making me uncomfy so imma stop 

im currently listing to i wanna be yours by artic monkeys from the album am 

thanks for reading this and giving a stanger some time have a good day or good night 

with love 

insonia 

[ambroseias]

「lorenzo zurzolo & male/questioning」⇾ ambrose , elijah, the junior horton student’s records show that he is an virgo and 21 years old. he is studying classics and econ, living in noland and can be charming, diligent, self-centered & vain. when i see him i am reminded of clenched teeth, pyrrhic victories & a laugh that comes to haunt you. ⇽「momo & 20 & est & any pronouns.」 

“all stories are about wolves. all worth repeating, that is. anything else is sentimental drivel.” - margaret atwood

hi it’s momo ur resident mess and this is adapted from a previous intro i did so pls dont make fun of me if u catch mistakes. if u like this, i’m coming into ur dms to plot and, if u don’t, i’m still yearning for connection with ur chara. pls. come validate my cliched average bacchanalian icarus bitch, toxic faerie princeling, dark academia fuccboi, dorian grey in the FLESH.

full bio to be found HERE bulleted bio below

AESTHETICS.

sunlight on skin in the morning, like ribbons of gold gleaming between tousled sheets. he throws his head back, laughing. if you do not love him, then you will now. clothes, always pressed. hair, meticulously in place. a dog-eared copy of a streetcar named desire in the crook of his arm. lies. they come so easy to boys like him. lies. tinged honey sweet to hide the fact that there is nothing but teeth behind them. you’ve seen his face in a painting somewhere, you’re certain. and if not, then it haunts you in your dreams. kisses that always taste like champagne, no matter what time it is. if you cut him open, he’d be more red wine than blood. secrets. there is something he’s not telling you. secrets. something rotten behind that sweet-faced grin. walden and thoreau in place of a father figure. choosing dickinson instead of the mother he had. clenched teeth. pyrrhic victories. he wins, always, but at what cost? climb into his chest, now. ignore that miraculously still-beating heart. feel how hollow it is here? he has tried to fill this emptiness his whole life. he has never succeeded.

BULLETED BIO

TW parental issues

first off, say mommy issues into a mirror 3x and this bitch appears behind u like the demon he is

‘that’s it. thats the chara.

im jk but not rlly. eli is the only child to one of radcliffe’s esteemed feminism + gender studies professor (prof. vivianne ambrose) and their relationship has always been... rough

it’s not for lack of love. it’s just that-- sometimes, people are too alike. and it’s hard to apologize and express the love that you feel.

halfway “ignored” by his mother, he’s spent his entire life trying to gain the attention and love of everyone around him. he definitely tries to shift his personality to be the person u want him to be--- but can only really settle on pretentious intellectual + wild child

so ig what i’m trying to say is that ... he’s the duality of man if both dualities were the WORST and most pretentious

mostly, what’s happened is that the people who like him really like him. and the people who don’t-- he refuses to spend the time of day on.

+ like ! i guess the best way to describe him is bright, glittering, hard to look at directly.

he wants u to want him.

but he doesn’t want u to know him

classics n econ bc honestly, he wants to be a professor like his mom and teach classics or theatre BUT he refuses to admit it so he’s getting a double major in econ and telling himself he’s gonna be like a politician or lawyer or some other slick shit

he... ............... would make a good politician probably. 

but still. 

he rattles off a list of dream roles he wants to play. hamlet. coriolanus. oedipus. caesar. creon. gatsby. some are leads, some aren’t. but most of all-- “they’re tragedies,” you say, “you really like tragedies that much?”

he laughs glibly. “no--” he says, “god, of course not. but they’re the only things i can play. look, i know what i look like. i know what you think of me. deep down, you want nothing more than to see me suffer. on stage, you can.”

“and off-stage?“ you ask tentatively. his eyes flash green, his lips press together almost imperceptibly,  “oh come on. look at me. no one’s ever going to deny me of what i want.“

it’s a lie, of course. but it’s a good one. and it’s one that he goes to sleep telling himself.

pls i beg u!! yes, he’s terrible, but, deep down, i think he wants to be good. i think he wants to be soft. but the only time he ever got his mother’s attention was when he was doing something wrong and it’s made his perception of how love is supposed to be— skewed.

he definitely FEELS like an old soul, but he also probably has a very active thirst instagram using oscar wilde and margaret atwood quotes as captions

i hate him dearly pls

IMMA ADD MORE WANTED CONNECTIONS

people who have studied under/knows his mom -- ur too close. everytime he sees u he flinches. he’ll walk in during ur consultation with his mother and the two of them will stiffly update each other on their day and ur like god dang what a weird ass relationship. alternately, he’ll sit outside his mother’s office while ur doing consults. and u can’t help but wonder... god... what kind of mom, would make her child wait.

friends/enemies/etc. from childhood --- he grew up near the university has always been around town

wld die for a childhood crush on him or from him, but likely from him bc that’s cute af

a childhood friend that has always been his ride-or-die, even though they’ve definitely grown apart bc elijah has a fear of Emotional Intimacy!! but u knew him once and u know... there’s a real boy behind that layer of pretense.

step/half-siblings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --- his mom might have remarried! his bio dad maybe is lurking out there with another family! who knows!

a tormentor --- for anyone who knows the ambrose family, its’ not hard to see that the relationship btwn mom + son is strained. and like-- that’s something eli is always gonna be sensitive abt. ur chara knows that eli isn’t the hard shell he pretends to be. he’s just a soft boi longing for approval + that scares tf out of eli

people who eli hates -- mostly softs who remind him of his own failure to become completely unfeeling

rlly pretentious friends

unpretentious not friends

party friends

litcherally anything

neighbors

one night stands

fwbs

exes (elijah is tentatively pan, but objectively hates labels)

i live for apartment plots so pls hit me up if ur chara lives in noland

[toaster-is-babey]

This au was inspired by the WrongAu/Wrongsworld kinda, and soon turned into a vent au.

This au contains triggering subjects such as : mental manipulation/ab*se, physical ab*se, selfh*rm, and gore.

In this au, Edd goes by Edward, Matt goes by Mattie, Tom goes by Tommy, and Tord goes by Tjøstolv

⚠️⚠️Note⚠️⚠️

Please don't overly lewd my characters. Its gross, just please refrain from doing or saying sexual about my characters. So like no nudity, or anything explicit. Smooches and such are alright.

💜Matthew "Mattie" Raeburns💜

Mattie is an anxious mess all the time. He is very cynical and is a pessimistic jerk sometimes, depending who you are though. He is much more shorter, maybe about 5'5 with a slim and lean body type. He suffers with General anxiety, Depression, insomnia, PTSD, and claustrophobia.

To make a long story short, Mattie had a rough childhood. This au, Mattie is a communist, but he doesn't force his beliefs on his pals. He gets along perfectly fine with them... except for Tjøstolv and Tommy

sadly mattie is the butt end of all jokes and shenanigans. He often gets hurt more than anyone else and will often close himself off from everyone until he's ready to put up with their bullshit again.

he was in an abusive relationship with Tjøstolv from the begining of highschool to the end of college, but broke up due to Tjøstolv being too possesive and Tjøstolv's temper got out of Hand. Though he hasn't told his pals Edward and Tommy yet, nor will he ever tell them. Mattie has kept a lot of dark secrets from his pals, and is planning on taking those secrets to the grave.

in this au Mattie discovers multiverse travel, and just takes time to experiment in his lab. He uses bio chemicals, and does build small gadgets. He hopes to find a better life else where.

🌱Edward Graham💚

Edward is a grumpy, and anxious guy, and gets snappy at anyone who dare talk shit about his friends. He is genuinely protective to his friends, though is still iffy on Mattie.

Edward suffers with Dysthymic Disorder and Insomnia. He loves coffee, he DOESN'T drink cola. He absolutely HATES it.

Edward stands at the height to 5'8. He has pale skin and emerald green eyes. He has soft hazel hair that sweeps to the side and large bags under his eyes. He usually wears a grey tshirt, a green hoodie, dark jeans and red running shoes.

Edward's relationship with Mattie is fairly rocky. They often just are awkward with eachother. Edward still holds a grudge against Mattie for his mother's death.

💥Tjøstolv Røset💘

He is very chipper and happy. He is somewhat hyperactive, and always happy and lowkey, a fuckboy sometimes. He is flirty and honestly a bitch at times. He does know how to manipulate and persuade anyone. He is about 5'9 and wears a white button up shirt, red suspenders, red shorts, hazel hair with two hair horns. Tjøstolv has Narcissistic personality disorder, and does somewhat care for his friends, but mainly he just uses them. Tjøstolv is a capitalist, and tends to be forcing his beliefs on mainly mattie, and often fights with him.

surprisingly He and Mattie were a couple in highschool, but broke up after mattie graduated college. The relationship wasnt the best due to Tjøstolv being so Possesive and temperamental.

✨Tomas "Tommy" Bastian💙

Tommy is more of a wiccan, Satanist in this au. He values Edward and Jonah, and himself most. He is a transmale(FtM) and suffers with body dysphoria and is currently going through transition. He wears a chest binder, a baggy black sweater, dark blue boot cut jeans. He is a sweetheart though and is very motherly. He has social anxiety, and gender dysphoria. In his au, Tommy is about 6'5 the tallest one and often lets his pals fall asleep on him and often just cuddles with them. Tommy used to be an alcoholic, but Jonah came into his life and Jonah ended up helping Tommy become the man he is today.

Tommy can still be bitter if mattie is around. They don't exactly get along.

🌹💚Eduardo Vargaz💚🌹

Eduardo is well, Tommy's best friend. They often have small coffee dates and just chat about their housemates. He is a very passive aggressive guy who loves baking pastries, and tends to sing spanish tunes and lullabies. He stands around 6'5 often wears a white T-shirt, and a pair of jeans with a thin green sweater resting on his shoulders. He has tan skin, hazel eyes and has a rather nice moustache.

in this au, after the robot incident, Eduardo gets severely injured and nearly dies, but luckily he survives, but is a bit more grumpier after the incident.

💜⭐Marceau "Mark" De La Croix⭐💜

Marceau is a bookworm. He has blonde hair, pale skin and often gets made fun of for his butt-chin. He often wears a dark purple dress shirt, and a pair of black khakis. He is about 5'10. He is very quiet, and cold and calculated. He does have a soft spot for Eduardo and Jonah and Laurel. He has a rather buff build and would die for Jonah and Eduardo. Marceau is deaf, and isnt all to confident with talking. his girlfriend is Laurel, later on in the au, they have two kids together.

❄️Jonah "Jon" Vogel❄️

Jonah is very violent. Though honestly he is all bark no bite. He barely is a threat to anyone but himself. When with Eduardo and Marceau he is more kinder, and tries to make sure they are ok. He is about 5'7 and is lanky and often wears emo/scene clothing. He and Edward dont get along too well, and often fight whenever Jon flirts with Tommy. Jonah Would kill anyone who dared insult or make fun of his dear Mark or Tommy. Jonah has depression, anxiety and PTSD.

🌀Laurel Dacons🌀

Laurel is a well trained auto mechanic. She's 5'9 and 157 Ibs. She has aqua blue hair in a undercut style, and soft brown eyes. She often wears a tracksuit that's red, blue and white with a L labeled on it. The woman loves motorcycles with a passion. She has Autism, but that honestly doesn't stop her from anything. She's well trained and pretty chill with most people, especially the Eduardo residence. She can also beat the shit out of anyone who dares disrespect Mark, because she loves him with a patience, she even learned sign language from him.

💗💞Paul Herrman💞💗

Paul was a rather stoic and responsible guy. He was a respectable soldier. Though everything crumbled down when he refused to help Tjøstolv with his heinous plans. For that, Just before his wedding Tjøstolv carved out Paul's tongue.

Though Paul is happily married to Patryck, he was utterly distraught that on his wedding day he couldn't even say "I do" due to Tjøstolv and his sick ways. Nowadays Paul is a bit more pudgy and is mute and has left the army with his husband and are living happily.

💛🔥Patryck Vasiliev🔥💛

Patryck is a kind guy, maybe a bit of an airhead sometimes but absolutely loves his husband Paul. He vowed on their wedding day hed always be there for his husband. Despite how kind and caring he is, he also can be very sinister and macabre.

Pat has also vowed to hurt Tjøstolv just as bad as he hurt his husband, maybe even worse. Patryck always carries a gun on him to protect his husband.

⚠️this au is a work in progress!⚠️

This au will most likely and will have different/multiple endings

[ageofevermore]

1-96

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

it’s a dual sliding door, so usually one sides open. but preferably, both doors are closed. 

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

sometimes in the summer, not often though. 

(3) Can You Whistle?

yes! 

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

well for some reason there’s a guy on my TV singing God Bless The USA

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

purple

(6) Relationship Status.

single because my favorite omegle guy won’t answer me 

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

48F / 9C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

i woke up wishing i was still asleep

(9) How Many Followers?

835

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Sun: Capricorn, Rising: Aries, Moon: Aquarius 

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

brown / hazel 

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

no

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

obviously, i’m not completely insane

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

whatever fucking book my english class assigned...

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

i literally only have a text book by me and opening it is triggering

(16) Favourite Anime?

i don’t watch anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

my mom...about greys anatomy...but still my mom about christmas and my birthday. i cry alot, but i like REALLY cried about those two topics

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

chapstick, trauma, candles 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

it’s only 10am and i haven’t even thought about breakfast 

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

yes, and then my mom yells at me because i do nothing “subtly” and the entire car shakes

(21) Favourite Animal?

white siberian tigers, snow leopards, dolphins, and now elephants

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

unfortunately. i love gymnastics, but like, i’m not trying to watch men in toboggans and swim caps 

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

anywhere between 12pm and 3am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

no, i never wear makeup because it makes me look more ugly

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

ocean

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

besides my friends i don’t really have a favorite blog, i stick to my circle and don’t venture very far 

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

bottled. 

(28) What Makes You Happy?

i couldn’t tell you...

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

without, but i always start with it on. it never lasts more then two songs.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

dogs

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

a shade of purple from the crayola 200 pack

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

wii

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

ocean

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

hell mothering fucking year i do baby, lets take that train to hogwarts 

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

its a friends pj crop, so black and white stripped with the central perks logo

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

yup

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

save money 

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

my cup 

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

stranger things ig

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

no, those assholes scare me, but i’ve grown + released them 

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

um chile, i would follow my best friend off a cliff with no hesitation

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

all the fucking time 

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

ITS MY FAVORITE FORM OF TRAVEL 

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

the hannah montana movie

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

peanuts 

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

one direction 

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

yes 

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

yes, but it takes me forever to fall asleep 

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

yea, depends on the day and the level of scardy bitch i feel like being 

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

i love both 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

hell yeah, let me feel the beat in my kidneys 

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

carve pumpkins 

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

no tears left to cry by ag

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

fall

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

a churro + peppermint mocha frap

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

female (she/her)

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

iced coffee / sweet tea

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

yeah, i have environmental homework and US I homework and Algebra II homework

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

bruh, idk 

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

no, that shit’s never made 

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

jigglypuff 

(64) Favourite Social Media?

pintrest 

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

they’re okay

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

no. i don’t miss thins very easily, i’m away from home for a week and i have no doubt that i could spend the rest of my life without going back. 

(67) Are You A Virgin?

yes sir

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

idk, some really thick and heavy in hydration set 

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

sleep in my car, though both options scare me 

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

i have a strained relationship with my bio dad, but unfortunately i still have to associate myself with him a few times a year 

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

black widow or spiderman 3, but i’m willing to see anything just take me back! 

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

i’ve never had an ex, but i do wish krystian would stop ignoring me. stupid scotland boys 

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“friends dont lie”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

green / brown 

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

i loved swinging, but a few years ago it started making me dizzy so i don’t swing very often anymore. but tire swings especially are my shit 

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

chicken flavored ramen 

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

yes 

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

yeah...because they’re dying and if i have the skills to save them...why wouldn’t i?

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

honey, i do full virtual high school. we stan a pandemic (we don’t)

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

social media stalker is my middle name. not anymore though, i haven’t been asked to find a boy in a while 

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

no. i hate it. anxiety city man. 

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

i don’t wear rings, but i really want to.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

closed

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

woke up, watched stranger things, made ramen 

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

whatever i fall asleep in. 

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

are beauty and skincare the same? because i don’t own much makeup. 

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

i used to be a night person. but this pandemic has hit hard with depression and i’ve become a stay in bed all day person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

2048 balls, among us, ball sort puzzle, bubble shooter, bubble sort, color roll 3D, drag n merge, fit and squeeze, hole.io, mario kart, match 3D, nonogram.com, paint the cube, roof rails, solitare, spit, stacky dash, stair run, timber run...

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

After my moms fiance died, I had a dream that he was able to come see my fifth grade play (he died just before it happened) and when we were walking out he got into the white car from fast and furious (we watched the movies together) and said he would see me again soon, then he drove off...like talk about weird 

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

rootbeer 

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

i like a good clicking sound 

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

sweats everyday all day 

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

like a fucking wreck 

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

netflix 

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

i want a bunch of little symbols, and i think it would be cute if i got a T for my mom, but i can’t tell her that because she might think i’m going soft and exploit my show of affection (jfc why am i like this lmao)

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

colleen ballinger 

[falsificatore]

       introducing liam d’antona as antony

“ our courteous antony, whom ne’er the word of ‘no’ woman heard speak ”  - enobarbus, antony and cleopatra (act II, scene II)

gday ! my name’s jason, i’m 18, use he/him pronouns, and live in eastern melbourne/the aedt timezone. this is my last year of mostly free time before i move to scotland to get my bachelors degree in acting - i’m insanely excited for this group, and i can’t wait to meet and write with you all! without any further ado, here’s liam!

stats

full name: liam riley santino d’antona age: 18 dob: 5th of december, 2001 gender: cis male pronouns: he/him nationality: english hometown: london, england current residence: edinburgh, scotland spoken languages: english & italian, both fluently - also knows some latin from school

history

( his full bio ended up being i-dont-even-know-how-many-thousand words long - again, kati, i’m so sorry - so for this intro i’m just gonna do my best to boil it down to the key points, but if you’d like to take a gander at the full thing you can do so here! )

tw for parental neglect, alcoholism, and death

liam d’antona was born the first and only child of an english businessman and the heiress of a historic italian winery - his parents had met in edinburgh in their early twenties, his father a student at ashcroft and his mother simply there on holiday. they kept up correspondence even when she returned home to campania, and pretty much as soon as he graduated he came down to stay with her - he won her parents affections through very quickly managing to expand their business to being more of a household name in the uk, and after they got married only a year and a half into their proper relationship they spent a few years making connections, going to lavish parties, and spending way more money than they needed to. both had already come from fairly wealthy families, but the increase in business certainly helped boost them a fair bit. 

finally, for no reason that liam could retrospectively figure out, they had him - and it was fair to say they weren’t the most generously loving parents. he was more a trophy baby than anything else, and while they were never especially vicious to him, they didn’t go out of their way to make sure he was being cared for. luckily, though, he had relatives who did - those being his grandfather on his father’s side, and his nonna on his mother’s. 

the two of them had only met in person once at his parent’s wedding, but they played equally important roles in essentially raising him as he grew up. his grandfather’s house was only a few minutes drive from his parent’s in london, so he spent more time there than not in his early childhood, spending most his time being read any book from his shelves that looked intriguing visually, and when it wasn’t that he would be taken to plays, galleries, museums, he’d be taught how to use a fountain pen and tie a tie, told stories upon stories about his life before his father was born. that was only for three quarters of the year, however - in the summers, liam’s family would travel down to campania to be with his mother’s family. while his nonno took care of business and entertaining his parents, his nonna would tell him about their family history, take him through the vineyard and down ancient streets, let him vent about his school life and tell reaffirm all the things he should be proud of about himself, her passerotto - she’d only ever get stern with him when his italian was off, but even then, she’d come round and forgive him within seconds. 

he doesn’t have a lot of clear memories of his early childhood, but he knows one thing for sure - it was golden.

primary school is where his early memory starts to clear up, especially when it comes to how he met his best friends - distracted when they were first put together as a group for an art class, they’d ended up essentially just spending the first ten minutes throwing paint at one another to see what worked, and when they got sent out and told to wait in the hallway, they’d ended up just heading outside and spending the rest of the lesson time trying to clean their uniforms under the bubblers while they got properly acquainted. he did manage to get on the good side of pretty much everyone else in his year level over time - he could tell jokes, he could speak italian, he knew enough random bullshit to impress people, and he’d actually argue with their teachers but in a way he just couldn’t get in trouble for it - but his gang of four? they were absolutely inseparable. 

when it came to actually learning, that’s where liam fell short - he’d only be able to focus if he actually cared about the subject, which was rare, and even then, liam’s always learned in conversations - all the random bullshit he’s learned, that’s all through things people have told him in discussion. he needs to be able to talk back if he wants to actually retain anything or he’ll just zone out and do something he finds more interesting - any individual studying he’s done is just to win an argument or make a point. the only extracurricular he ever did was debating - he was on his primary school team for his last two years there, but wasn’t allowed on his highschool one given how he outwardly said that the other teams points were ‘absolute bullshit’ when it was his turn to speak in the trial debates.

for his whole schooling career up until he was 16, there were only two classes he could say he did well in - latin, since it was close enough to his second language to be able to piece most things together, and english/literature, since he’d spent most of his time as a kid reading the books that would end up part of the curriculum. pretty much all of his electives were either with teachers he knew loved him, ones no one else would pick so all his friends could make it in, or simple bludge subjects - and one of the ones that fell into the last category was philosophy. he went into it with no clue what he should be expecting, but within twenty minutes he’d fallen in love - it was the one class where he was supposed to argue about nonsensical bullshit, supposed to think of out-there justifications, supposed to do all the shit he’d been sent outside time and time again for in every single other subject. it was like it was made for him - and for a teen alcoholic with an unfavourable learning style, those sorts of classes don’t come easily.

an alcoholic isn’t what liam would call himself - but the compulsive liar he is, his word shouldn’t always be trusted, especially when it comes to drinking. for him, it’s never been a risk, never an act of rebellion - his family’s fortune, his parent’s whole relationship, it was built on wine. he’s been drinking since he was five, sat up at his nonni’s dinner table with a glass of red next to his meal, and when he was finally allowed to tag along to his parent’s parties, no one seemed to mind him taking the champagne only offered by the waiters out of courtesy - some because they found it adorable, some because they were too inebriated themselves to think about it, and his parents? they simply just didn’t care. his mother had grown up with the same familiarity - it was just family custom, really. family custom that may have lead to a dependence, sure, but custom nonetheless - the passing around and judging of a new brand is the d’antona monopoly night.

for seven years since he started, his consumption was minimal - he’d have a glass at dinner, of course, and he’d take something if he was offered at a soiree, that was just polite - but it wasn’t until he was twelve when he slowly started to swim into dangerous waters. he himself wasn’t fully aware of the cause, but then, he wasn’t fully aware anything was changing other than he suddenly needed more and more to distract himself and feel anything but how he was - but the cause was there.  

his grandfather’s passing was nothing less than objective - one day he’s in his library, bitching about one of the dickheads from across the city they’d debated in their tournament that afternoon, and less than a week later his father arrives home from an unusual absence, sits him down at the table, and tells him - actually, he doesn’t know what he told him. he just comes away from it knowing he’d died. he can’t remember the conversation, can’t remember anything between the talk and the funeral - only that he hadn’t cried. neither of them had cried. he treated the funeral with the same business formality he treated his parent’s parties, keeping conversations short with a polite enough smile - but then, when the service starts and people he’d never met before start coming up and telling stories about him, his whole life, a life he’d only been there for a tiny fraction of, and the sheer love they have for him, the same as his - it’s too much. he can’t carry the coffin, can’t watch the hearse drive away - he simply collapses into his mother’s shoulder when they walk past the front row, and he sobs. for the first time since he was a newborn, he goes to her for comfort, and she gives it, in murmured italian he can’t be bothered trying to understand - but it can only last a few minutes before he has to pull away, wipe his eyes, and join the rest of the crowd. he stands alone at the burial. he doesn’t go to the wake. 

from then on out, he does remarkably fine. he goes back to talking at the back of the classroom, back to roaming the city with his friends, back to fancy parties - yes, he’s started topping up his own glasses more, taking a bottle with him when he and his friends go to hang out in the park, but he’s not crying, he’s not wallowing, and that, to him, is what matters. if there is one thing, though - he can’t bring himself to clear out the house with the others. when he comes home from an outing he’d organised as an excuse to get out of it and finds boxes and boxes of books in the corner of his room, he can’t touch them - can’t touch them for two more years. it’s only when he wakes up, fourteen, with one of the worst hangovers he’s ever had, that he finally turns to them - he can’t leave his room, he can’t look at a screen, so he finally grabs one at random. and he reads. and he cries, a bit, when he comes to the parts he can suddenly remember reading with him, when he’d do the voices or chime in to explain for the millionth time why what a character did was stupid - it’s cathartic, in a way. that becomes practice - whenever he’s hungover, at first, but soon it’s whenever he’s bored, whenever he’s lonely, he’ll go over and pick up another book, and he’ll read it until it’s done. soon enough, he uncovers a set of fountain pens, the ones he’d been taught to use as a kid, and he starts to use them again, properly, even if his friends give him shit for it at first. he goes down to his grave for the first time since he was buried, and though he doesn’t cry like he still feels like he’s meant to, he opens up a bottle of baileys - his favourite - and just talks. fills him in on all he’d missed, how his friends are doing, the girlfriends he’s had and lost since he started highschool, everything - and though he doesn’t stop drinking or properly clean up his act, he’s able to carry on.

as much as he would like to carry out all the wishes he doesn’t fully know, theres one thing liam knows he can’t do - and that’s go to ashcroft. both his father and grandfather went, business and literature majors respectively, and he knows full well they were both star students - but school’s not for him, especially not a school that posh, no matter how much they’d both encouraged him to apply as soon as he’s able. he’s seventeen, and he and his friends are taking full advantage of the fact that the school courtyard’s empty during their free gcse study period while everyone else is either in classes or, in their year, in the library - and then one of them comes up with the first spark of the plan. it’s simple - he knows he won’t have good enough results to get in, so to get his dad off his back, he’ll send whatever he gets off to ashcroft anyway, tucked in an envelope with a letter from his philosophy teacher - because who else - and some bullshit essay, and when he inevitably gets rejected, he’ll take as much money as he can and flee in shame. they all will - they’ll move to another part of london, or travel europe, or go to stay in campania, or wherever, and they’ll keep living their lives in opulence, only several hundred miles from where they first began. he does his exams, completely wasted all the while, and when his results come back he doesn’t even bother giving more than philosophy a glance before throwing them into the photocopier and sending the copy away to edinburgh. it’s flawless.

it should’ve been flawless.

when the acceptance letter comes, an actual letter in the actual post, the dickheads, he’s stunned. it takes over an hour for him to process it - there’s no way in hell he should’ve got in, but it’s his name on the envelope, his name at the top of the letter, he’s read it over and over and over again, there’s no mistake. he spends hours trying to find where the original copy of his grades were - on the photocopier, where he’d left them - and when he actually looks, he’s nearly paralysed where he stands. his mark for every subject, they’re all amazing. his whole life, he’s barely managed an average for most of his classes - when he asks his father, he just shrugs. he knows, he knows these can’t be his actual grades, he barely even remembers the exams - it isn’t until muckup day that he finds his answer.

they’re hidden at the back of the staffroom pigeonholes, only the ones belonging to his teachers - in each one, three bottles of wine, tied together with a ribbon, and attached, a card he immediately recognises as bearing an all-too-familiar signature.

it’s a school full of rich wankers, any family could use money as a bribe for better grades - but he knows full well how much all of this is worth.

not just any family can freely give out some of the finest wine in europe.

at first, he wants to go straight home, shout at his parents, call them out on all of their bullshit - he’s lied to get out of worked, sure, but he’s never cheated to get a ‘not exactly one in a million but pretty damn close’ position in one of the most prestigious schools in the country, and this isn’t even what he wants - but as he’s heading down the hallway back towards the main entrance of the building, he realises. he can’t. if he tells them he knows, then he’s admitting that he didn’t want to get in, he’s admitting he was trying to get rejected - he’ll ruin any chance he may have at salvaging the plan.

so he doesn’t mention it. he books a hotel he can stay in while he’s there for the campus tour, packs a bag and jumps on the 5:30am train from london to edinburgh. when his phone inevitably dies, he’s left only with the book he threw in last minute if he doesn’t want to just stare out into the countryside like he’s reenacting some kind of harry potter bullshit - it turns out to be moby dick, which is fine, not ever really a favourite, but decent enough for passing the time - but then he hits chapter 39. 

‘i know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, i’ll go to it laughing.’

he’d managed to forget about it until that moment, let it sink away like basically everything else he’d lost from his childhood, but - it was the quote his grandfather had always used to reassure him, to give him confidence. the evening before his first day of primary school, he’d kneeled before him, lifted his chin, and they’d said it together, and he had, he had gone in laughing, if he hadn’t he wouldn’t have made any of his friends, gotten away with any of the shit he had - it feels like a sign, in some stupid sort of a way. and then, when he actually arrives for the tour the next day, he happens to spot a board up on the wall, and at first he’s willing to just look past it, it’s just a boring old honours board, he’d seen plenty in his time - but then a name catches his eye. his grandfather’s name, illuminated by the faintest bit of sunlight coming in through the window - and it hits him like a bolt of lightning.

he has to be here. 

it only cements itself further and further as he walks around with the rest of the group, takes in the art, the architecture, everything - it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t deserve to stay, he’ll make it so he does. he’ll work hard. he’ll actually pay attention, even when he doesn’t want to. he’ll study everything he’s told, not just the things he wants to prove a point about. he won’t stop drinking, but he’ll only do it at the end of the day. he’ll be the model of a philosophy student. he’ll care. because if he doesn’t, he’ll have to leave - and if he has to leave, he has no idea what he’ll do with himself. 

it may be a retrospective resolution, but he’ll do it. he’ll earn his place at ashcroft or he’ll die trying.

personality 

(very, very narrowed down, only key points)

+ definitely something he’s inherited from having successful businesspeople as parents, liam is quite the charmer - he’s been able to get away with most of the shit he’d pulled at school for so long simply with a smile, a shrug, or a baffled ‘i don’t know, it wasn’t us, do you want me to try and ask around?’  + despite being largely neglected save for social situations by aforementioned successful businesspeople parents, liam is genuinely compassionate more often than not, and he tries his hardest to stay polite and civil, avoiding conflict when possible and trying to include people if they’re being left out - or at least figure out why it is they got left out in the first place. + even though schoolwork isn’t really his forte, he is naturally quite curious about the world, and loves debating questions and figuring out answers - if something intrigues him, he won’t be able to forget about it until it’s properly dealt with - even then the chance of it leaving his mind is rather small. when he wants to learn, he’ll learn, and he’s good at it - he’s a quick thinker and has a good memory. + above all else, liam is a romantic - he’s had more than his fair share of partners, but all of them he’s treated with equal adoration and respect. he falls in love with someone before even properly realising they’re in front of them, and he’ll do anything he can to make them feel cared for and like they can be comfortable around him. he has a lot of love, not just for people - old books, italy, good drinks, fountain pens - he’ll love something for the love of it, not because it’ll make him look more cultured or help him get further with those around him.

= liam is fairly matter-of-fact and objective - though this helps him get things done and does certainly lend a hand coming straight into the middle of a post-murder scene without letting emotions that aren’t really his cloud his vision, it can get in the way of him properly connecting with people he may not see as justified.  

- though it did help him make his way through both primary and secondary school without having to do much work, liam is a compulsive liar, and he has very little problem with it - he’s keeping up a lie he was at first horrified by that his parents put in place to stay at ashcroft, for example. being a good bluffer isn’t necessarily a good thing, and he doesn’t fully understand that. this extends to how he acts around others, able to quickly put on a mask and discard his emotions, no matter how well he’s actually doing. he doesn’t have time to feel bad, he has a job to do.

- although he does try to avoid lashing out, his temper can quickly rise and get the better of him - he does try to handle his argumentative streak by debating about irrelevant, stupid topics, which does work a treat to stop him from yelling at people, but it can definitely be annoying to some.

- despite confidence being good in some situations, it doesn’t always lend him a hand in trying to fit in with the others - especially in the aftermath of a murder, he should have more tact when it comes to approaching members of the society, but he really has no qualms with going up and just talking to them even if they’d love nothing more but to swat him like a fly, which, in some cases, he may definitely deserve.

- unless he really cares for the subject, liam will put in as little effort as possible, if any, to try and do a good job - despite being energetic, he mostly directs it strictly away from his schoolwork. if he doesn’t want to lend a hand, he’ll simply walk away with no concern for who he’s leaving behind.

imperium

it’s fair to say that liam got into not just ashcroft, but the imperium society because of his family’s notoriety and history with the school - but his name isn’t all he has, even if he doesn’t fully see it himself. he’s a skilled debater, able to see things both objectively and have that objective be outside of the box, and this has lent more than a hand when it comes to his work in his philosophy classes. he can take a lot of knowledge in and boil it down to the things that really matter, which, given how large some of the concepts covered are, is a fairly significant skill for his subject, and he’s able to apply or retract lenses to matters at the drop of a hat to see things from another perspective. he can find an argument in anything, and until he’s perfectly sure he’ll never be 100% concrete in any one view. in short; despite being brash about it, he’s a good philosopher.

octavia

liam honestly didn’t even know that there had been a murder at ashcroft until after he arrived - when he did learn about it properly, he was already beyond the point of being put off from the school by the fact. it was only when he was invited to the imperium society that he had to properly think about it - because it didn’t take a genius to realise there’s no way he’d be in if the spot hadn’t open up. immediately it started gnawing at him, and it was only made worse when he moved into escalus house, in the empty room he quickly learned was once lysanders. he’s felt like he’s being watched since he came in, and even though he knows its ridiculous and he has no reason to feel like he’s overstepping by being there, he’s tried to avoid being in the room on his own since he arrived, much preferring to hang around the communal spaces or just stick close to ophelia. he’s tried to avoid getting involved in the other member’s feelings about octavia’s death since it’s not his place and, honestly, he has no real idea what to make of it. he knows it was a tragedy, and he know it affected them all deeply, especially his cousin who he has the heaviest concern for - but he’s never been the best griever, he knows that just carrying on with his life and ignoring it isn’t a good way to go about death even if it “worked” for him, what’s he supposed to say to those still in the throws of mourning?

he doesn’t remember when he first dreamed about her, because really, he didn’t even know it was her - it wasn’t until he saw her photo up in one of the rooms that he was able to put a person to the face, but by that point, the dreams had been numerous. at first he just brushed it off - he’d probably just seen the photo in passing, and drinking a bit too much every night to make up for not being able to do it between classes like he had in highschool probably did something to his mind. but they kept coming, relentlessly - so, slowly, he’s started looking into things. this is just a problem he needs to deal with, deal with it and he’s done, he doesn’t need to get it involved with the others - and even though he tells himself he wants it to be done with faster, truly, he’s intrigued. he can’t rule out ghosts not existing, he’s a philosophy student, he’s spent more than his fair share of time debating it in class, what happens after death - so if she is really her, and it isn’t just because he’s thinking about it a lot more now, then doesn’t that mean something’s happened to bring her back? he’s no detective - but he’ll find an answer. despite this, he’s avoided joining in on rumours of her return, and denies ever having seen her, dream or otherwise.

miscellaneous

ExTP (50/50 observant/intuitive) the debater/the entrepreneur 9w8, the referee  sanguine gryffindor

- he has genuinely no idea what he wrote in his essay to get accepted into ashcroft - he was drunk while writing it, which isn’t a huge surprise given he hasn’t been fully sober at any given moment since he was about 14, but usually when he’s closer to sober than not he’s able to recall something. with the essay, though, complete blank.

- he’s never played any instrument, but he loves violin music - his first celebrity crush was alexander rybak, and he still has most of his discography on his playlists 11 years after first seeing him in eurovision.

- he’s been to italy every summer without fail since he was born, and though his mother was fluent in english, she still spoke to him in italian when they were at home.

- he is dependent on alcohol, but he’s pretty good at hiding the fact he has a few shots to wake him up in the morning and at least two glasses of wine in the evening - but he’s been drinking as a family thing since he was a kid, so you’d suppose he’s used to it. it takes a lot for him to get properly drunk.

- he’s never learned how to drive, but, again - hasn’t been sober since he was 14.

- he never watched a lot of movies or tv growing up, and still doesn’t, but he adores the truman show - he watched it for his philosophy class in high school when he was first starting out, and now it’s a go-to whenever he’s bored.

- he likes the debating aspect of his philosophy classes more than actually learning about the philosophers behind what he’s being taught.

- his handwriting is more than illegible, and it’s definitely not helped by the dual factors that he’s using easily smudged fountain pen ink and that half his notes are in italian - granted, translating helps him remember, but it’s no help to anyone else who wants to read them for revision.

- as far as his gang from school are aware, he hates ashcroft and is still trying to find a way to get himself expelled.

- he’s good at breaking things but can rarely put them perfectly back together - in his own words, he’s perfectly capable of undoing knots, but he struggles beyond shoelaces and ties and has literally no clue how people manage to tie two pieces of string together.

- despite struggling in school environments, he does still know a fair bit about history and just general random trivia, though for the most part its just things he picked up in conversations.

pinterest

[ohlukcs]

( alex wolff, male ) did you hear how LUKAS TOZER is applying to columbia university as a FILM & MEDIA STUDIES major ?! the 19 year old is living in the WALLACH HALL. i heard that they got in because they are + PASSIONATE and +THOUGHTFUL, but honestly i think HE can be -ASSUMING and -CYNICAL. they’re a real MAVERICK. oh well, only time will tell if the SOPHOMORE will make it til the end.

about the mun !!

hi hello my name is sam (she/her), im 22, and im a big fat mess at all times :) um but a lil more about me is that i’m australian and a recently graduated film student lmao. i’ve been rping for like ten years now i think idk but i am a NERVOUS BITCH !!!!!!! and it sometimes takes me forever to reply to things (ic and ooc) bc of that so pls be patient with me lmao. anyway, happy 2 be here !! if u like this post i’m gonna assume u wanna plot with me and my idiot and hit u up !!! lets mcfreakin lose it !!!!

about lukas !!

full name: lukas joshua tozer

nickname(s): luk-ass idk whatever u can come up with lmao

age: nineteen

gender: cis male

pronouns: he/him

hometown: jackson, new jersey

date of birth: nov 4th

occupation: student ( film and media studies, sophomore ), cook/server at a nearby 24hr pizza joint

relationship status: single

drink / smoke / drugs: yes / yes / yes

faceclaim: alex wolff

positive traits: passionate, thoughtful, creative, ambitious, untethered, humorous

negative traits: assuming, cynical, insensitive, rebellious, resentful, irresponsible

if he was in a hogwarts house: slytherin

now some more dot points that are just me talking about lukas !!

was born in fort lauderdale florida but there is a vERY low chance he will ever admit that, he’ll just say he’s from new jersey. as far as he’s concerned, he’s always been from new jersey even if his family did move there after he turned twelve

speaking of things lukas probably wont ever tell u but i’m including them anyway: his family is kind of messy. not majorly but like a little bit more than average. he had two brothers, now he only has one. i’m not gonna include a whole lot of nitty gritty here i’ll save it for when i write the real bio and can actually do it justice but its the reason they moved from florida and it has had a pretty major effect on lukas over time obviously

he’s the baby of the family and he’s pretty much always been treated like one. it has left him pretty immature and irresponsible. still learning that his actions have consequences and that he cant just be a total dick all the time. he’s improved in those areas a fair bit since he started at columbia a year ago but he still has a long way to go

he didn’t ever really expect to go to columbia, he’s from a middle class family and his dad didn’t even go to college. he applied for columbia just as a might as well give it a go thing. like maybe it will happen. they had a film course and although the course itself isn’t really great, the connections to the industry available at columbia were valuable enough for him to try. he was wait listed up until basically the last minute, preparing to go to a college in boston instead but when he was accepted he knew he had to go. for himself, for his family, and for his lost brother.

obviously irresponsible attitude has led to some Bad Decision Making including but not limited to partying and drugs. he doesn’t prioritise that lifestyle over his school work (bc he knows how lucky he is to be at columbia at all) but he is a big believer that you need to experience things to be a great artist and he plans on being the greatest artist so bad decision town here we come !!!!

he has a pet goldfish named michael bublé pls dont nark

for more info on him click here to check his about page, no bio there yet but hopefully soon

wanted connections babey !!

course friends/rivals/anything: i am writing these before acceptances happen so i have no good god damn idea if any other characters are film majors but hit me the hell up if they are bc i would love to plot some stuff out

old roommate(s) : lukas was probably an entertaining roommate but probably verged on annoying pretty easily. he’s messy, gross, probably didn’t respect the do ur fucking dishes rule in first year ( probs still doesnt tbh ). but he also has a password to every streaming account plus a phat hard drive full of movies and shows that he is absolutely willing to share with u so just depends what ur into i guess. maybe this connection led to friendship or maybe they hate each other now. im down for either/both 

dealer: hi welcome back to bad decision town. lukas isn’t into any hard stuff but is a big weed smoker (to my understanding medicinal cannabis is allowed but lukas def doesn’t have a prescription), then after that it’s kind of just experimenting. will chat more details if u wanna take this connection

booze leachers: so yes lukas is 19 but he has four, thats right, four fake ids. he is not willing to give u his contact for fake ids but he is willing to buy u booze if u pay him. dont hate the player hate the game

gang gang: pretty much just a close group of friends. i imagine all pretty relaxed, all pretty chill. idk what to say here except i want people to care about him and let him put on dumb movies and watch them with him and probably have dumb matching stick and poke tattoos and hog a communal tv to play mario kart but lets talk about it

fast food workers deserve respect too: as mentioned, lukas works at a 24hr pizza joint near campus which means he’s seen some shit. one of the things he’s seen multiple times is drunk student trashing the place. whether it be vomit, forgetting how to hold a cup, or bet try at a food fight lukas has seen it and he’s cleaned it up too. this connection could be that maybe he helped someone out and cleaned them up and got them back to campus when their friends ditched and now they look out for lukas too and its a positive connection. or maybe lukas hates their guts and spits on their food whenever they show up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who’s to say

hot girl bummer by blackbear: now listen here’s an angsty connection i want, and i def want to plot it out way more with whoever takes it on but basic outline of what i have in mind: they’ve kind of sort of been dating for a while but they’re just falling out of whatever they had to begin with. they were never official, they probs def fucked around with other people while they were ““““together”””””, lots of oh sorry ur taking it so seriously i thought we were just chilling bullshit. all of this girls friends probs hate lukas and he definitely hates them back. were probably once really good friends and had a really good time together but they’ve lost it. will they find it again or will it fizzle out? lets find out together xoxo

new girl(s) : i hate the connection title too but i couldnt think of anything better. we’re in bad decision town and now we’re going to thot street babey. since things have been falling apart with hot girl bummer and even before that lukas a little bit of a thottie. this doesnt mean he’s good at it, please also feel free for a part of this to be that they rejected lukas and he got butt hurt about it idk lukas being attracted to them is basically this whole idea and i would wanna plot the rest of it more depending on specific characters wooo

lukas is a bad influence: if u have gotten this far u may have noticed that lukas is not a very good influence at all. this is someone probs his age or younger that wants to loosen up and have a good time and lukas completely encourages that. bonus points if this connection is a combo with the above connection bc lukas is a gross boi and would be like wow listening to my bad ideas thats so sexy and cool of u ya know. but also doesnt have to be that ! could just be lukas thinks its funny and thinks that someone listening to him is just like good content that could get him on barstool

lukas is badly influenced: this is basic as hell but someone that tells him to leave his impluse control at the door and encourages him to be trash. probs older than him and i def see this as more of a masc connection than a fem but like all my plot ideas: lets talk about it. this one probs v much depends on ur character so gonna leave this one nice and short

lukas is good-ly (??????) influenced: also basic as hell and p much just the opposite of above. someone who is a good influence on lukas. encourages creativity and ambition instead of straight up recklessness. again, i see it as an older character but no gender seen here. a lot of this would be based around ur character so lets chat

michael bublé’s co parents: lukas has a goldfish named michael bublé (or just michael), i picture him having got it while high as heck during the day and just being like This Is A Good Idea. maybe ur character was with him and they were co parents from the start or maybbe they came into the picture later ??? i’m honestly down for whichever just give michael the love he deserves pls

and probably just about anything else these are just some ideas, i totally wanna plot further and brainstorm so please still hmu if none of these fit ur character we’ll plot something up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you��d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[saigebeaumont]

- ̗̀ * ( robert sheehan + cismale + he/him ) have you seen ( benjamin ‘benjy’ magwitch ) walking around campus ? they are a ( twenty-three ) year old, studying ( political science ). we hear they are in ( rho pi rho ), and can be ( magnetic & irresponsible ), maybe it’s because they are a ( leo ). they sort of remind us of ( shiny red apples, walking on ledges, kaleidoscopes ), maybe we can find out more ! ( james + 19 + est + they/she ) *  ̖́-  + theatre/track

hi hello as u may have seen my name is james and this is my baby, benjy. i dont know how long this is going to get so pls bare with me

tw; fire? 

gen. info

full name: benjamin ‘benjy’ henry magwitch / joshua hollowood but u will never catch him actually using his real name tbqh

nickname(s): think of a random name. any century, any gender, any amount of letters or lack thereof. that’s it that’s his nickname. previous aliases that he has claimed to be are - thaddeus, balthazar, dante, romulus, etc., etc.

b.o.d. - july 31st, age 23

label(s): the icarian, the blackhole, the insouciant, etc. etc.

height: tall

hometown: ???

sexuality: chaotically bisexual

bio. info

let’s try and make this short n sweet

so like. y’know when a faerie steals a human baby and replaces it with it’s own, weaker, inferior baby? benjy is the human baby in this case

except they weren’t faeries

dorothea and fawley were two...somewhat, in love, folks--who had really wanted to have a child of their own. when they did, finally, have their child--he was very sickly and small and neither of them wanted their child to be weak goddammit

so they did a switcharoo, like...switched at birth except i’ve never ever seen switched at birth, and ran off with this extremely rich family’s newborn baby instead!

dorothea and fawley were part of a circus, and thus, lil benjy was raised in a circus !! how cute.

needless to say he was raised in a very nontraditional setting, like, homeboy was homeschooled bc they were literally always travelling, around the country and once or twice out of country.

despite that, he never doubted that his circus family didn’t love him or anything like ?? yeah he never called his ‘parents’ mom or dad, but that’s bc it was like...everyone was his parent.

dorothea and fawley told benjy that his name will never define him, and he could be anyone or anything he wants to be.

this caused a tiny benjy to be CONSTANTLY changing his name. like, almost everyday he’d just declare a new name and everybody in the circus would call him that specific name. even when he did acts, he’d go by a different name every single time

this carried onto adulthood and benjy still doesn’t tell people his real name very often. sometimes they’re sort of normal names n other times they’re fucking bizarre.

when he was seven he declared his name was ‘sock’ for an entire month.

grew up doing a buncha odd lil jobs and roles in the circus, from being a lil handyman like fawley to being a magician’s assistant like dorothea. t’was a lil tiny animal tamer (before the circus stopped using animals in their acts because we don’t stan circuses like that no we do NOT) at some point but reeeaaally liked tightrope walking and things as such

also tried his hand at fire-throwing/etc. etc. but the like eighteen (minor!) burn scars across his body will tell u that it was not for him and he gave it up to pursue knife throwing tricks and juggling

wasn’t rly ever around ppl his own age, also never had a smartphone before he was like eighteen or so--he’s not old fashioned but he can definitely be behind on the times

also grew up listening to primarily older rock/folk music/whatever the fuck music his family created/his own music

that being said benjy is good w a guitar but bitch cannot sing. he sounds like a dying frog.

he also did a bunch of petty theft but that’s bc some of the other folk in the circus did it and he was like huh. looks like fun. bc benjy is thoroughly an idiot but more on that later. so he got some shit on his record but he got them sealed when he turned 18, like, asap

but. benjy is a dumbass. he committed ANOTHER petty crime, because the boy has addictive qualities, and he left some dna evidence bc boy’s got some mf hair

surprisingly, it wasn’t through his records that they found him via his dna  but, rather, his real parents who did a whole ass dna kit thing for fun one day

this came as a shock to everybody involved, honestly, though tbh ? benjy didn’t care that much that he had parents who weren’t the circus, but that’s bc of his entire upbringing.

either way his birth parents wanted to like. y’know. meet their delinquent biological son and when they did they were like ‘woah woah woah wtf ur in a circus’ and he was like haha yeah

n that was...sort of it, for a while. benjy was 18, had his GED, n wasn’t planning on going to college at all.

the circus was still traveling, the world was all right, etc. etc, benjy maintained contact with his bio parents bc it was Polite to do

and then the circus burned down! somebody did a flaming knife trick when they weren’t supposed to and, long story short--the entire circus went up in flames. there were no victims, no worries, but their entire livelihood was gone and they were all effectively displaced.

when his Rich Biological Parents found out about benjy’s newfound predicament that he 100% was not responsible for whatsoever, they were like . . . . listen. we’ve got a Reputation to uphold, but we’ll send you to college.

he’s been here since he was like, 21, so he’s a junior i think ??

he’s majoring in political science but it’s like technically his first year as the major bc his freshmen yr he wanted to do anthropology and then he switched to mathematics and homeboy was nvr satisfied but now he thinks he wants to do smth w social welfare so he’s doing political science w theatre and public affairs as minors

personality

he’s got. a big personality

he’s got this sort of energy that attracts others but they don’t really know why bc holy shit benjy can be annoying

he’s just super intense ?? like the boy does not know how to calm down, he’s constantly moving around and being dramatic and sometimes whiny

pouts more than a person should averagely pouts

i wouldn’t call him a liar because he can be, very very blunt, and doesn’t know how to beat around the bush, but he likes telling half-truths simply to either confuse others or to just b a lil bitch tbh

he’s got big dumbass energy like okay he’s smart he just doesn’t apply himself very often and he just. does dumb things

gets into fights bc he’s a dumbass. like. he will purposely provoke ppl he doesn’t like, n when he’s drunk he’ll do it to literally anybody esp ppl he likes

also just. doesn’t know when to stop talking. can find ways to ramble about nothing, asks questions w the intent of being annoying, etc. etc.

his ~parents~ didn’t rly believe in modern medicine n they were just like ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away!’ so he’s got this obsession w apples. literally is always chewing on an apple or a toothpick or anything he can get his hands on. he’s like a teething toddler, essentially

probably the dumbass who plays wonderwall at a party tbh

okay but fun fact! he’s super nimble and just. cat-like, from all his yrs of practicing n performing tightrope walking. if he falls over it’s because he wants to fall over and if he falls over it’s bc he wants ATTENTION

he loves. being the center of attention? but he’s also content with being in the background if it makes sense. he just wants to be doing something, anything

anyways he doesn’t take shit seriously at all like, i don’t think he’s ever had a serious conversation in his life ?

big slut for parties. he loves partying, he nvr knew he loved partying until he went to ucla but he loves it

he’s got an addictive personality so like okay. he’s not Addicted Addicted to anything specific (besides nicotine) but he definitely has no problem with drinking n doing drugs Often.

i mean he’s reckless too he never knows when to stop, feels like he’s tryn to be the Superior boy but he’s not and he’s probably overcompensating nowadays to deal w the guilt of accidentally burning down his entire life

drives cars too fast, drinks too much, has no problem getting into heavier drugs

also okay on a lighter note the boy used to be addicted to cigarettes bc he started fairly young but hoo boy he’s now on that juul game

literally he always has a juul on him. spends all his money on juuls

he works as a florist n a gardener for extra cash even tho his bio parents send him money, just bc its one of the only things that really calm him down tbh ??

also i meant it when i said he doesnt tell ppl his real name, like, ever. at least his first name bc he loves his last name but ? u probably dont know him as benjamin or even benjy, just smth stupid like marcellus the magnificent or booboo the fool hahahsdfgh

did i mention he casually juggles bc i genuinely cannot remember lmao

uuuhh there’s more i’m sure but !! i have a really bad memory!

i also dunno if im keeping his fc but we will SEE

he’s basically like....still a five yr old child

OH okay so i remembered smth else

he’s essentially a nomad which means he hates being rooted to ucla so he’s usually off drivin’ around the coast bc he’s bored goddammit but he always comes back bc he’s a loyal dog

speaking of loyal dogs. he’s got commitment issues. but not commitment issues? it’s sort of like. he gets really interested in things/people, kind of focuses all his energy on that thing or person, and then one day wakes up and is just. terribly bored. tends to drop ppl like that, esp relationships, and he doesn’t think much of it bc it’s Normal for him

but believe it or not, if u call him in the middle of the night he WILL show up, or if u wrong him instead of him wronging u, he’ll still b endlessly loyal

like he’s shitty but he’s got a heart ?

also like i said. he is chaotically bi. both chaotic and bisexual and also the two combined.

he’s chaotic neutral in general

wanted connections ?? possibly ??

frat bros - [hulk hogan voice] brother. he needs them

general friends ! - if u dont hate him then u just. love him, man. no inbetween

exes - he’s probably got...a few of these, because his attention span lasts like a max of two weeks

hookups - they also dont tend to last very long just bc of how he is as a person, but y’know. they good while they last

ex-hookups, specifically

ex-friends - bc he’s an idiot

if u really want to u can bring in a circus pal but firstly idk how they’d afford school but honestly. we can work smth out. hmu [kissy face]

roommate - do they hate each other ?? who knows

bad influence - they only egg on benjy’s dumbass behavior

good influence - probably forces him to study for once, or take care of his dumb ass

idk what to call it but like. ppl who HE eggs on to be bad, is generally toxic to the other person

anything else u want [another kissy face]

[persephones-progress]

BEING TRANS ON TINDER

(and pretty much every other dating/hookup app)

Here is the first tip regarding Tinder and other dating apps from me…to any other trans/enby/nonbinary/genderfull individual…DONT DOWNLOAD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Pretty heavy tip right? It could suggest I’m saying, “dont date” or “dont fuck”. However I want to say you can choose to not participate in the norm and be content perhaps even more content in being celibate or doing the old fashioned thing and waiting till you meet someone at school, on the tram, or at work(that’ll make for a better story anyhow). I want to cite some psychology sources that speak on how dating apps lead to higher rates of depression and anxiety but you can just google those if you dont believe it off the bat.

This isnt going to be an argument telling you to never use apps or not have sex. Sex and dating is not, and will never be as simple as choosing your favorite ice cream. I want to share some stuff however, because out of the resentment, frustration and general pain I figure I could maybe help others avoid it or at least feel less alone.

Disclaimer: this is MY experience, it isn’t applicable to everyone, take what resonates leave the rest cuz its mine ultimatley.

(POV:femme pansexual cancerian ass bitch)

1. No type of man will ever validate or could ever validate your femininity in a sustainable way, this includes but is not limited to

-the MMA fighter who is somewhat successful at it, from 4 wins to 45 wins

-the tatted up bad boy who rides a motocycle, or is famous on tiktok, or owns a brewery

-the suit and tie buisness guy, accountant, engineer, IT guy, creative director etc

-the doctor in his mid forties who has a kid or two from his ex wife

-the guy who reminds you of the guys who would stare at you in high school while they also made fun of you

-the spiritual guy who puts catch phrases like “emotional maturity” and “genuine” in his bio

-the long haired rocker who looks at you like you’re the only feminine energy on earth

The side note to this is Ive matched, gone on dates with, and slept with all of the above, all of them ghosted, or expressed fear of dating, sure I can acknowledge that the women they see all experience a similar gambit of bullshit but ladies and theydies, its not ours to run. The inner bitch in 6 inch heels in me wants to say get the d*&^ and use them and ghost them but the hopeless romantic that has survived three different gender identities just overrules.

2. Men are around 80% more likely to become addicted to dating

-soooooo with the prime stock of apps available this is sorta self explanatory, they think they’re playing the field, finding new things, that an endless range of options will be available to them until their dying day, and in a sense those are facts. Of course the same applies to us femmes but these guys out here acting like they’re the only ones who swiped right on us, I mean what else gives them the audacity to say crap like “let me break your back out” as a greeting.

My point here is men are not going anywhere. Your time and energy IS.

3. Now this one will probably illicit a few eye rolls and to that I say roll on, but to anyone out there remotely spiritual, Wiccan, satanist, Christian etc I will say anytime you have sex YOU ARE EXCHANGING ENERGY WITH THE PERSON YOU’RE DOING IT WITH. So anytime you’re feeling exhausted and heavy, anxious or just straight up crappy after sex that is your body telling you that person ISN’T RIGHT FOR YOU.

Sex with the right person person is supposed to feel like a good workout, which ultimatly energizes you a day or so after the aches fade away. You’re actually not supposed to feel like a train hit you.

Ill explain further in saying that more then likely if you’re under the trans umbrella, SELF DISCOVERY has been a KEY in your journey. Its human nature to assume other people are similar to ourselves. We all talk about how cis-het people will never get it and most of them never ever will, but lets also discuss how and why a bit more. You’re version of SELF DISCOVERY is oceans deep different then that of a cis-het person, esp a cis-het male.

You sharing yourself with someone IS special, you sharing your time, your energy, your sexuality is and always will be SACRED and you can define sacred by any denomination of your choosing.

In conclusion I just want to say you deserve to be loved and respected, you deserve a slow kind of love, a love you maybe didn’t expect or never saw coming. A love that opens the door for you, a love that dances with you, a love that can be vulnerable with you. It might be a man, it might be a women, it might be someone who doesn’t ascribe to either. Ultimately along the way, until you meet that someone there is someone who desperately wants to love and respect right now, as you read this, and that person is YOU.

[disordcr]

HII HELLO im cam and im really excited to play my baby daeyeon in a closed environment ookay. <3 he’s really soft but he’s also a Bitch so i’m sorry. he’s a cancer so um please be nice to him. if any of you come after him for being a cancer we’re going to have to fight because im also a cancer UhHH JJKNSDFKJDNSi don’t really know what to say other than i’m the rp baby because i’m the youngest person here uuuh yeah im only seventeen i only got a few dollars KJNDFKJ okay anyways i’m putting daeyeons whole ass bio under the cut because im lazy and i dont want to put it in a page right now. don’t @ me pls it’s literally 3:30 am and i have to be up at 7 okay heRE WE GO

one.

the third child, the first son. he is the pride and joy of yoo sanghoon and jwa misook, he is destined to live up to his family name. he is expected to make his family proud.

 two.

he is now an older brother. he walks and babbles and never stops. he is loud, obnoxious, a crybaby.

 three.

he is curious and thoughtful. hands touching everything they can, mumbled questions spit out of his mouth like fire. he is a frequent tea party attendant, he loves to wear dresses and boas, he wants to be like his sisters.

 five.

he puts on shows at every family gathering, he loves the attention. for only five he is intelligent. he is insightful, creative -- the only korean student.

 six.

mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore. he stays in brighton, and watches as his father moves to busan.

 seven.

he meets a new friend during his summer in busan. “jinsoo is one to keep around,” says his father. he becomes close to the woo family, and gains two older brothers; zxavier and elijah. when he goes back home, he writes.

 eight.

dad remarries. mom remarries. he doesn’t know if he’s alright with it. maybe somewhere deep inside, he thought they would be a family again. maybe he can be a family with mom and david.

 nine.

there are two new additions to his family. he protects his now three younger sisters well, or as well as a nine year old can. he still clings at his mother’s leg, he is afraid of the world. but some days he wants to explore.

 eleven.

when he returns to his father for the summer, he’s greeted by a new face. he will guide his younger brother through the world the best he can. he feels so much pressure, although he’s still small. he hasn’t even experienced the worst of it yet.

 twelve.

the school musical pulls him in. he finds his passion, his calling, yet he feels off. he doesn’t feel man enough. is he man enough? is he a man? he searches for a label, he searches for himself. but somehow he doesn’t know what he’s looking for. he doesn’t tell anyone but jinsoo. he feels alone.

 thirteen.

his father moves, and he goes with. wonyang becomes his new home. at first he’s so happy, but he’s quickly mistaken. anxiety consumes his soul, he wants to shrivel up and hide. no tv show, no game can make him feel okay. he needs something to snap him back, to know that he’s alive, present. he picks up a blade.

 fourteen.

the same question runs through his head over and over again. is he a man? he wants to wear skirts, he wants to paint his nails,  he wants to be like his sisters so bad. yet, he doesn’t feel “female”. he doesn’t get it. he’s so confused. he becomes outraged, at societal norms and gender roles. he finds a label for himself within non-binary -- he’s demigender.

 fifteen.

another new sibling, he just doesn’t get it. he’s exhausted at this point -- just stop having kids. but when he sees her face, he falls in love. he cradles her in his arms, he kisses her forehead before he sleeps every night. he falls in love with sound of her giggles, and feels pain with the sound of her cries. he has a connection to her. he wants a baby of his own some day. but he is content with his siblings for now.

 sixteen.

his belly seems so big. he pokes and prods himself, spends hours looking in the mirror. some days he stops eating. he tells himself he won’t ever eat again. but he lies. other days he eats til he throws up. the cycle repeats.

 seventeen.

he graduates high school. he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. he thinks of becoming a psychiatrist -- no. he ponders becoming a cnu -- also no. he applies to wonyang uni. he majors in musical theatre.  

 eighteen.

he meets a boy. he falls in love with the way he dances, the way his face contorts when he can’t remember a word. he becomes attached so quick. he passes time with his hand intertwined with his his head on his chest. he found the most important part of his life.

 nineteen.

he is loud, he is proud, he is loving his life. he has his best friends by his side, he is making it. he has bad days, he has bad weeks, but he has an okay life. he has a roof over his head, and food on his table. he has three cats that are his whole world. he can do anything he sets his mind to.